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It started out innocently enough, as most well-intended things did. Battles, whether covert or of the stopping-an-alien-invasion kind, almost lead to the Justice League experiencing a bit of an adrenaline crash. Not too long after the League had been formed, Batman began to enforce mission debriefs. They were boring, yes, painfully so for Barry, but soon each person saw their merit. Diana found it an excellent time to balance out Batman’s blunt critiques with compliments and constructive observations. Clark took it upon himself to find ways to make the debrief and the time immediately afterward more entertaining and focused on team bonding. Not-super-life related team bonding.
The first time was more or less a failure. Clark’s used and personal copy of Phase 10 was no longer usable, and Batman hadn’t even stuck around. The second time was not much improved, though at least the dominoes survived the encounter. It took the third attempt and some spontaneous intervention from Barry for something to take hold.
“Hey Bats,” he called as the man began to pack up his equipment from the debrief, possibly moving quicker than he needed to avoid the next game Clark would surely pull out of nowhere. “If you had to choose, life or death, would you rather permanently move to Metropolis or DC?”
Batman didn’t pause, blink, or even seem to think about the question before answering.
“DC.”
Clark squawked in offense while Diane just quietly smirked.
“That was…surprisingly fast. Have you thought about it before?” Hal asked, incredulous.
“Taking the time to think about it would imply there was some level of real potential to the situation,” J’onn said thoughtfully, examining Batman, “and I highly doubt there exists a world in which Batman exists outside of Gotham.”
The others nodded in agreement with his words while Batman continued to seemingly ignore them.
“Supes, what about you? Gotham or DC?”
Clark still didn’t to be over his offense at Batman’s comment and took a moment to answer.
“Um, DC, as well. It would work with my secret identity a little better, too.”
Barry’s eyes got big behind his cowl.
“Whoa big man, you sure you want to drop hints?”
Clark smiled, something soft to the expression despite the display of teeth.
“Who says I haven’t been dropping hints this whole time?”
Barry proceeded to choke on his own air while Hal pounded his back.
“What about you, Flash,” Diana asked, a smile in her voice, “would you choose between Coast City or DC?”
“That’s not even fair,” Hal whined, “a demi-goddess and the nation’s capital versus his best bud and some random city? Not even fair.”
“Fine then—DC or Metropolis?”
Barry hmmed for a surprisingly long amount of time
“Metropolis!” He finally exclaimed with a wide grin.
“Hey, Aquaman, if you had to leave Atlantis but still be…y’know, Aquaman and king and whatever, would you choose Gotham or DC?”
The man in question snorted at Lantern’s options.
“Is that even a real question? DC, duh.”
“Hey, don’t knock Gotham,” Clark said, sitting up, “there’s a harbor and a river!”
“If it was just a question of water alone, I’d still choose DC over Gotham. There are way too many reasons to go into why DC is better than Gotham. And on that note, I will see you all next crisis,” Arthur said, giving the rest of the League a two-fingered salute on his way out the door.
Various goodbyes and waves followed him out before Barry turned to the rest of the table.
“I think everyone is forgetting some crucial information about Gotham when we keep voting against it.”
Hal raised an eyebrow at his friend before snorting.
“What, like the crime rates? The sports?”
Barry shook his head.
“Bruce Wayne! Only the hottest man on the planet and his home is in Gotham. Not to mention Wayne Enterprises is supposed to be awesome and involved in pretty much everything.”
Clark choked on the glass of water he was taking a drink from, spraying some of it on the table. Part of him was glad Batman was already gone, having slipped away while Hal was complaining.
“Hmm, that is a very valid point,” Diana conceded to Clark’s shock. “He is a beautiful if not bright man, and very philanthropic.”
“Would one man really be enough reason to stay in a city like Gotham?” J’onn asked.
“Let me show you,” Diana said with a hint too much eagerness.
In no time, she had pictures and articles and news clips of the man in question playing for the Martian, Barry and Hal huddled around to watch as well.
After one particularly spicey clip, Hal whistled.
“If that man wanted me in Gotham, he would not have to pay me as much as I had originally thought.”
Clark rolled his eyes, but not with enough subtlety.
“Not a fan of Wayne, Supes?”
Clark sighed, pushing himself up from the table.
“Not exactly. I’ve run across him a few times in my civilian identity and I’m not his biggest fan.”
Barry frowned while Hal grinned.
“Is that some tension I sense?”
Clark shook his head, not responding verbally, unwilling to address what even the thought of interacting with Bruce Wayne was doing to his heart. He was doubly glad that Batman had already left the Watchtower for the night.
From that moment on, the post-post-debrief bonding turned into something far more causal than the games Clark tried to force. Someone, typically Barry or Clark, would ask an inane question or pose a silly scenario and they would force everyone to answer. Sometimes they ran through 20 questions in rapid succession and other times the group as a whole got derailed discussing a random offshoot.
After being cornered by Diana and Clark, Batman eventually began to linger if not participate. This worked well, and the sense of comradery grew tenfold until Barry introduced a new vein of questions.
“Okay, and I have to assign each of the names one of these words?”
Barry grimaced.
“Not exactly—each word is an action, and you’re saying which of these 3 actions you would do to each of the 3 people. But you can’t duplicate.”
Diana frowned.
“May I have an example?”
“Oh! I’ve got one ready to go,” Hal said, all too eager for this, “fuck, marry, or kill Killer Frost, Poison Ivy, or Livewire.”
“These are all villains, though,” Diana said, eyes narrowed.
Hal nodded.
“It’s kind of the point—there has to be a hard decision in there somewhere. I’ll demonstrate. I’d fuck Killer Frost, marry Poison Ivy, and kill Livewire.”
Diana hummed before trying her hand.
“I suppose I’d sleep with Livewire, marry Poison Ivy as well, and kill Killer Frost.”
Hal clapped his hands.
“See! That’s how you do it. Your turn, J’onn.”
The Martian was silent for a few moments before finally answering.
“Marry Killer Frost, sleep with Poison Ivy, and kill Livewire.”
That specific round of question continued until they got to Batman. He merely starred Hal down before they moved on.
“Arthur, here’s the next three,” Barry said, zipping to sit next to where the man in question was scrolling on his phone. “Fuck, marry, kill, Mila Kunis, Megan Fox, and Natalie Portman. And for our more sensitive friends, you can say kiss instead of fuck.”
Arthur actually paused his scrolling to look up, think, and then answer.
“Fuck Megan Fox, marry Mila Kunis, and kill Natalie Portman.”
Barry gave him a thumbs up before zipping to be next to Clark.
“Your turn!”
Clark visibly took the time to think about the question.
“I think I’d kiss Megan Fox, marry Natalie Portman, and kill Mila Kunis.”
Again, everyone in the room responded before they got to Batman. This time he didn’t even bother looking up to stare Barry down.
“Let’s do it again, but this time you have to explain your thought process,” Hal suggested, a devious grin on his face.
Clark shrugged, not opposed to it.
“Oliver Queen, Bruce Wayne, and Lex Luthor.”
Clark felt his heart freeze, or maybe he heard Batman’s heart stutter. Either way he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or just wait and see what happened.
Unfortunately, no one had a chance to respond before the emergency lights began flashing. Each of them leapt at the call to action, moving like a well-oiled machine. Clark kept an eye on Batman just long enough to see him look up at the ceiling as if in gratitude for the interruption.
It was 11 days before their next post-post-debrief bonding session. 11 days too few in Batman’s opinion. What made this team bonding experience unique from all the others they had experienced was the change in location. The Watchtower had been compromised by the League of Shadows (primarily Shiva herself) and the League were in hiding. Well, they had been, moving covertly from city to city until Clark suggested a new location they could safely stay at without notice.
Batman was less than pleased with the team’s easy agreement to retreat to Smallvile, Kansas, of all places. Upon arrival, the heroes practically spilling out of the cramped javelin, Clark took a breath and turned around, revealing his secret identity. Batman was not surprised—only, he was a little surprised it had taken Clark so long to reveal his secret to their group. The others followed suit, who hadn’t already (namely Barry and Hal). No one had tried to get Batman to share his identity though he knew they all wanted to know, more so than normal.
It took less than 48 hours of being cooped up on the Kent family farm for Hal and Barry to begin their asinine round of questions again. This time they were enforcing the kiss, marry, kill version out of respect of Ma and Pa Kent.
“Kiss, marry, kill reporter version! Gordon Godfrey, Cat Grant, and Lois Lane.” Barry said with a grin. Clark groaned while Diana patted his shoulder, silently laughing at him.
“Don’t forget, you have to explain your answers this time too!” Hal was quick to add on.
“I believe it would be appropriate for our resident reporter to go first,” Diana suggested.
“You are evil, Diana, very evil,” he said while glaring at her, before sighing.
“I think it’s unfairly easy for me—marry Lois, been there and done that, kiss Cat Grant, also been there and don’t that though I’m not sure it was 100% consensual on my end, and kill Godfrey. He’s a top-notch jerk.”
Arthur nodded and lifted his glass of water like it was a shot.
“Respect. Same answers from me, except, you know, I haven’t done any of that.”
Barry and Hal were quick to admit they shared the same answer. After some thought and research, J’onn came to the same conclusion, Diana in agreement.
“That’s insane we all choose the same,” Barry commented.
“I’d change it up,” Batman said. His voice was firm if a little quiet, and from underneath his cowl that he was still somehow wearing, despite the borrowed flannel and jeans, it came across far too serious.
“Kiss Godfrey, marry Lane, and kill Grant.”
Clark had to bite his lips from laughing, both from shock and total disgust.
“Um, spooky, I don’t know what’s twisted in that head of yours but no one sane would kiss Gordon Godfrey when they had the chance to kill him.”
Batman just starred at Hal until the Lantern squirmed.
“Next batch, billionaires,” Barry said with a hesitant smile. “Kiss, marry, kill, Oliver Queen, Bruce Wayne, and Lex Luthor.”
Clark listened to his parents pause in their movements as the rest of the League reacted.
“We already did that one!”
“No, we started to but then had that emergency!”
“Technically,” Batman said, speaking up more than he had in a non-mission related way in weeks, “Queen is only a millionaire.”
Diana waved him off.
“Far too rich and unfairly handsome so he still counts. I will begin: kiss Queen, kill Luthor, and marry Wayne.”
“Don’t forget to explain your answer, princess,” Hal said.
“Hmm, alright. I’d kiss Queen simply because I wouldn’t want to marry or kill him. Luthor is a villain so kill is the obvious choice here, and Wayne seems to be the most genuinely philanthropic. He also doesn’t seem intelligent enough to be bothered by my extracurricular activities as Wonder Woman or representative of Themyscira.”
“See, I like your reasons, but wouldn’t there be a great bit of tension if you kissed Luthor? Oliver Queen is meh, in my books,” Hal said, way too enthusiastic about it for Clark’s tastes, “so he can die. Brucie is definitely the wealthiest of them all so marrying him is a no brainer.”
“I liked Diana’s answer most,” Arthur said, “plus marrying Wayne means you can fu—um, I mean, kiss him as often as you want.”
J’onn nodded.
“Diana and Arthur make the most sense with their arguments.”
“Sense, sure, but think about it for real—marrying Bruce Wayne means also dealing with his kids.” Barry argued, nervously glancing at Batman.
“Bruce Wayne has children?” Diana asked, head tilted.
“I’m not sure how many because he keeps them kind of private but they’re all adopted. What little I do know though means it makes way more sense to just kiss him and get it over with instead of marrying into that. Kill Luthor, obviously, and I’d be okay with marrying Ollie.”
Clark was purposely not looking at Batman though he was desperately listening to the man’s heart as it maintained a steady beat.
“Clark?” he looked back at his friends, and allowed a grin to slowly grow on his face.
“I don’t mind the kids but I’ll admit, I’m tied between kissing and marrying Bruce. Luthor is an obvious choice, but I don’t know if I could stand Oliver Queen enough to marry him.”
“But you could stand Bruce Wayne?” Hal asked, slightly incredulous.
Clark pretended to think about it, the grin poking through his thoughtful façade.
“Bruce Wayne is a beautiful man. His jaw, his eyes, just so delicious. At this point it’s not even about the money, either. I’d much rather take Wayne apart than Queen, but I forgot who brought it up, but marrying Wayne would mean I’d have the time I really need to treat Bruce right.”
Clark’s grin grew impossibly wider as he spoke—he had heard Batman’s heart skip a beat before immediately returning it it’s annoying steady pace.
“You make good points, Clark,” Diana said before turning to Batman.
“As our resident Gothamite, what say you, Batman?”
It looked like Batman wasn’t going to answer at first before he spoke in short, clipped words.
“Fuck Queen, marry Luthor, Kill Wayne.”
The League had barely processed his words when Martha came into the room with a dish towel swinging at the bat himself.
“You sir will not use that kind of language in my house! I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again—it’s money in both swear jars when you’re here.”
Everyone save Clark and Batman were frozen in shock as Batman apologized and pulled a 10-dollar bill from somewhere on his person.
Hal unfroze first, whispering “what the fuck” under his breath to himself. Clark glared at him but didn’t say anything.
“Wait, you’ve been here before?” Arthur asked, visibly engaged in the conversation for the first time.
Batman pursed his lips before nodding once.
Before anyone else could grill Batman—or Clark—he lifted a hand in the universal signal to stop, and answered his comm.
“Batman.”
They all watched as he went still, opened his mouth to speak but then closed it, opened it again before sighing.
“Understood, Agent A. ETA?”
Clark was trying not to listen but couldn’t help snorting at the dry response Batman received.
“Thank you,” Batman said before lowering his hand.
“Who is Agent A? What’s happening and when?” Barry asked, eyes wide.
Batman looked at his fellow heroes, starring down Clark specifically, before sighing and standing.
“My children are on their way.”
“You have kids?”
“What the fuck?”
“When will they get here?”
“I expect they’ll arrive within the next hour.”
Martha stood in the doorway again, an exasperated smile on her face.
“I just got the call too. I forgot to ask how many of them though, and which ones.”
Batman sighed.
“All of them. Plus one.”
Martha simply nodded and turned back around but not before shooting a glare at Green Lantern.
“Now is as good a time as any, Batman,” Clark said, ignoring the glare that his comment drew. “You probably don’t want them to beat you to it,” he continued with a smirk.
Batman continued to glare at Clark. Clark just stared back at him until the man gave in Both hands went to his head and in a matter of seconds his cowl was gone, revealing a sharply defined face with dark hair and piercing blue eyes. A face that was very familiar to the rest of the Justice League, even if it took them each varying amounts of time to realize just why it was familiar to them.
“Oh. My. Goddess.”
“What the fuck.”
“That…explains a lot, actually.”
Bruce turned his now cowl-less glare on Clark but that just caused him to grin even wider. Batman, no, Bruce, rolled his eyes and began to field Lantern and Flash’s questions.