Work Text:
Barmey woke up after the week of fucking a loaf of bread with his dick in pain. He knew it had to be related to the bread-fucking, what other reason would there be?! Couldn’t be the two month long stint of not showering, absolutely not. He got up and out of bed, wondering how he would go about getting a doctor visit. Technically he didn’t exist, so an official check-up was out of the question. Maybe Gords-- er, Feetman, could get him a fake i.d? Barmey doubted it. Guy didn’t look or act like he had any experience of the shadier part of the world, let alone know anyone to get proclivities from.
Maybe Freemind could wrangle something up. But that’d mean he would have to tell him about the… embarrassing situation he’s got. Even if they were together, that didn’t mean he would have to tell him everything! That shit’s for pussies!
Walking down the stairs, Barmey meandered to the kitchen. He itched at his neck beard as he pawed through the fridge, finding nothing he thought was good. He closed it and sighed, moving back. His dick responded with pain, making him flinch and grip at his slacks, teeth clenched as he hissed under his breath. Someone cleared their breath so Barmey turned quickly to look. It was Freeman, a worried look on his pale and sallow face.
“Are you okay, bestie?” Freeman signed, eyebrows furrowed in a so worried look.
“Don’t- Don’t call me bestie! That’s cringe!” He liked it, though. Made him feel loved, even if the delivery was a joke. “I’m… fine. Just feeling a little… suck.” He shrugged.
“Are you in pain?” They asked, moving to his side. “You seem a little hurt.” Damn, there was no hiding anything from Freeman.
“I… it’s embarrassing, you wouldn’t get it.” He gestured to his groin, all ready feeling flushed. “I won’t tell specifics, you don’t… want to know.” He looked down, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
“I won’t mind, I’ve seen a lot worse before.” Freeman put a gentle hand on his shoulder, smiling gently. Barmey didn’t doubt it, hearing tales from Barney made him shiver from the gore.
“It’s… about my dick, y’know..?” He nervously chuckled, looking anywhere but Freeman’s face. “Just… all red and kinda hurts to touch.” Freeman gave an acknowledging hum, face going stoic as he thought.
“Could be an STI, you know. We all did get a check up before settling in…” They thought aloud, hands moving to his chin as they finished.
“I mean, I-I haven’t been fuckin’ random strangers!” He felt very hot, smiling out of nerves. Freeman laughed.
“Of course, but what about Freemind? You never know what he’s up to. Not judging, of course.” Freeman gives a soundless laugh, face warming up to a smile. Not a very good smile, he still looks like a Victorian urchin with rheumy eyes. Barmey knew Gordon got around, but god, don’t rub it in that he hadn’t even had proper sex with his own boyfriend, bud!
“I-I…!” He had to be redder than a tomato by now, a hand now slapped over a cheek. “You- ugrh!” He turned away, hiding a little out of sheer embarrassment. “Fine, don’t tell anyone what I'm going to tell you, ‘kay?” He looked Freeman square in the eyes, to which the man nodded, a smile barely contained. “I… I’ve been using a loaf of bread as a fleshlight for the past week, and I think it might’ve… hurt my dick.” Freeman’s eyebrows raised into his eyeline, eyes widening.
“You… That explains why we were one loaf short for the sale. Good thing a baker’s dozen is 13.” Freeman laughed a little. “Do you mind showing me how… affected you are? It would make it easier for me to… diagnose you with something.” Barmey grimaced a little, embarrassed.
“Here? Someone could just… walk in!” He protested, looking around for prying eyes. He saw no one.
“We could move to my room, if that makes you comfortable. It’s closer.” Freeman gave him a pity smile.
“... Fine. Lead the way, bestie.”
Freeman’s room was in the basement, looking more like a stock png of a bedroom than something that was lived in. Freeman sat down on his bed, taking a huge sigh of relief. Barmey knew of their chronic pain, must’ve been a bad pain day.
“So… um. You want me to whip it out now?” Barmey stood before Freeman, hands on his belt. Freeman had brought out his phone, typing something. They nodded, looking up. “A’ight… What’re you looking up?” He asked as he gently tugged off his slacks, removing his ratty underwear too. Freeman reached out to touch, gripping at the base with cold, thin fingers. Barmey shivered and winced, a dull throbbing pain from his dick making itself known. “Ow- Fuck! Dude, that hurts!” He whined, watching Freeman look over his reddened dick with an indiscernible expression.
“Hmm. WebMD says it could either be an STI or a yeast infection. I am leaning more towards yeast infection, though.” They took their hand back to sign, looking down to his phone. “I don’t know how to treat it, but it does look like your penis could use a good wash!” He gave his signature smile, a hint of admonishment lining his crows feet and smile lines.
“HEY! I was my hog every time I shower!”
“And have you showered within the week?”
“... No.”
“Then you’re showering. I have one in my room. I’ll make sure you’re doing it properly.” He smirked, standing with a little struggle. Barmey felt hot, his dick twitching. Freeman looked at it and grinned.
In the bathroom, Freeman had Barmey sit on his shower bench, stripped of clothing. Freeman gathered their soap and shampoo, setting them to the side as he turned on the water, warm to the touch, and dampened a washcloth. Freeman, too, was naked, something Barmey hadn't seen before. He had many scars along his body, a prominent one on his left shoulder. More prominent to him, however, were surgery scars under his pecs. When Freeman turned back to face Barmey, he noticed their cock and balls were missing, replaced with a fuzzy patch of hair, and a small penis- but it was micropenis levels of small. Barmey was confused, but didn't stare as Freeman sat down, covering the washcloth in soap.
"... So, um… Where's your balls?" He asked, feeling a mix of shame and embarrassment just from asking. Freeman quirked an eyebrow, looking down at his crotch. They laughed a little, setting down the washcloth to sign.
"Have you never seen a vagina before?" They looked amused.
"I- wh- I thought you were a guy!" He pointedly avoided answering that question. In fact, he had never seen a pussy before.
"I am, I just was born with a woman's body." They signed, a little hesitant.
"... Oh! You're uh, what's the fuckin'… you're transgender?" He asked, to which Freeman nodded. "Ah, that's… uh, that's pretty cool. You're still a guy to me." He said, giving an awkward thumbs up.
"Thank you, Barmey. I can't believe you've never seen a vagina before." He chuckled soundlessly, to Barmey's chagrin. He immediately started sputtering.
"You-! I-I-... I'm sure a pussy can't be that complicated, man, hentai's pretty accurate with its anatomy." He muttered, crossing his arms. Freeman gave him a skeptical look.
"... I'm not sure about that." He signed.
"Uh, yeah? I can totally understand your, uh… your pussy." He frowned, feeling way too hot. Instead of answering, Freeman spread his legs and parted his fuzzy lips. Barmey looked at him with wide eyes. He could feel his cock twitching, hardening faster than the pain could make him wince.
"Go ahead." They signed with a hand, and that was all that was needed for Barmey to go down on him.
He slid off the bench, kneeling in front of Freeman. His hands replaced theirs, spreading them wide for him. He slowly put a finger to his clit (dick??) and gently rubbed it like he saw in his animes, looking up to Freeman for his reaction. They had their eyes closed, lips just barely parted with soft, inaudible moans.
"Faster…" He signed, and Barmey was not one to disappoint. He slicked up his fingers with his spit and rubbed off on his dick, making Freeman’s legs twitch and hands grab at his hair. Barmey went faster and faster, eyes flicking between Freeman's face and his dick, until Freeman forced his head against their dick, nails digging into his scalp. Barmey combined sucking off Freeman and jerking him off, until he felt Freeman's grip tighten even more and a warm liquid (that wasn't the shower) on his chin. Barmey kept at it until Freeman pushed him off, heavily breathing and flushed scarlet red.
"Was… that good..?" Barmey asked, feeling a little nervous, which was unlike himself. Freeman smiled kindly, and nodded.
"Yes… that felt… felt," he paused, hands trembling, "amazing…" Barmey smiled, feeling a sudden wave of pleasure shoot to his cock. It made him softly moan, a hand shooting to his mouth. Freeman chuckled as Barmey grumbled about it, standing on shaking legs.
Now that his focus wasn't on pleasuring Gor- Freeman, he noticed his knees hurt. Freeman made room for Barmey. They gathered the cleaning products needed, and helped Barmey clean his hair, then his body, then his penis. He was still hard, leaking pre, almost to the point where his erection was painful. Freeman gently used the washcloth to wash him, getting under his foreskin and was almost certainly jerking him off, if it weren't for how slowly he went. They even used their other hand to grope and hold his balls! It… felt amazing, if not for the rough texture of the cloth, and the lingering pain from the infection. It was enough to make him cum, though. Freeman kept stroking him through his orgasm until he was squirming from overstimulation.
Freeman tossed the hand towel aside and lathered up his own hair, freshening up himself. While Freeman did so, Barmey looked around, trying not to ogle the man's body. They were close but not that close. He spotted a strange looking attachment for the shower head, if he had to guess. He didn't quite recognize it, maybe it was like… a power washer for the shower? Barmey waited until Freeman's hands were unoccupied before asking.
"So, um, what's that thing for?" He pointed to it.
Freeman answered with, "Enema. To clean out your butt for sex. Or to help stimulate bowel movements. I prefer other methods but Barney just loves that thing." Freeman glanced between Barmey and the enema nozzle, eyes shifting to a more radioactive green for a split second, almost too quick for Barmey to notice, before asking, "Would you like to try it? I have a feeling it'll… help you in the future." Barmey looked at the nozzle before nodding.
"Fuck it, why not. Full homo."
And that's how Barm ended up with a cleaned out ass and legs that wouldn't stop shivering. It… felt way too good than it had the right to! He laid on his bed, dusk making the world turn blues and blacks, before a knocking came at his door. Before he could say anything, Freemind opened it and slammed it behind him, huffing as he waded through the garbage and discarded clothes littering the ground.
"My day… be so fine, then boom... Gorgeous tea-bagged me while lifting weights." He complained as he flopped down, back first, onto the bed, hitting himself on the wall as he did so. He gave a growl, like a fucking cat, and rolled to his side, cheeks puffed out in anger. It made him look cute, actually.
"Damn that's sad." Barney said as he, too, laid on his side.
"Ugh, it's like that guy doesn't even have any wrinkles on his brain! It's all glitter and aphrodisiac-like cerebral fluids." He laid his head down with a deep sigh, taking off his glasses. "I swear if he wasn't so damn sexy, he'd be six feet under by now."
"Doesn't it help that his ‘strap game makes your legs go weak’, hmm?" Barney smirked, quoting Freemind directly. They went red and bared his teeth, shoving his bad side into the comforter.
"Oh-- Shut up, simpleton. Just because he fucks good doesn't mean I have to like him. At least he's good for hauling around all my equipment. Motorbikes won't build themselves…" He purred, eye growing clouded as he got lost in thought. Barney put a hand on his cheek, gently thumbing his high cheek bones as he simply… admired his boyfriend. His boyfriend… Man, it never got old, even just thinking about how he, Barney Calhoun, managed to get into a romantic relationship with Gordon Freeman, of all people!! It made his gay little heart soar.
"... Freeman told me your dick's been hurting." Gordon said, out of the blue. Barney jumped and flushed, feeling half betrayed by the man.
"Well- I… I mean yeah…"
"Damn shame, I wanted to do anal tonight." Gordon sighed, wrapping an arm around Barney's stout waist and pulled in close. "Well… I guess we can still try it, hm? I'll go easy on you." He snuck in kisses to Barney's lips and neck as he processed the situation, before going fully red in the face, and mushy in the brain.
"O-ok-" He was gently silenced by a finger to his lips, getting rolled onto his back with gentle touches.
"Just say red if you want me to stop, yellow if you want me to slow, an' green if you're okay to continue." Gordon said, teasing off Barney's pants as he spoke. Barney nodded, brain still mush. His cock was hard in his underwear, wet around his head. "You're ready for my cock, huh?" He nodded again, and so Gordon flipped him over onto his hands and knees, cheeks spread for only Gordon to see. Gordon pulled something out of his pants and applied it to his fingers. “Have you done this before?”
"U-um no, I-I've never done this b-b'fore…" He managed to slur out, feeling Gordon's lube-slicked finger trace shapes around his hole.
"You've never- actually that makes sense. You're a virgin in almost all ways, huh?" Gordon purred, voice almost praising as he gently breached his asshole, slim finger easily getting to the third knuckle before Barney tensed. "... you seem awfully clean back here for someone like you."
"What in the hell does that mean?!" Barney shook off the brain haze and turned back to glare at his boyfriend.
"You don't seem the type to recreationally douche your ass, just sayin'." He thrust his finger in and out as he spoke, making Barney's concentration falter.
"W-well mh- I-I got- Fuck- Freeman offered to use an- shit- an enema on me, s-said it might…" He trailed off, connecting the dots. That fucker definitely set the enema thing up for this situation..! Or he just… foresaw this using his connection to the Vortessence.
"Oh, I see. Freeman’s clever, I'll give them that." He added his middle finger into Barney's ass. "Enough about him, though. Let's talk about me." He said with a chuckle as he found Barney's prostate, something he hadn't known was sensitive until Freeman used the enema on it. (It felt like he came so hard he almost saw God!) Barney couldn't help the moans and noises leaving him, if anything it encouraged Freemind even more.
Before long Barmey was fully stretched and ready to be fucked. Gordon lined up his lubed up cock and slowly, carefully, pushed in. It was a big stretch, but something about it made Barney's mind spin. It felt like he was complete, if he wanted to be sappy. Gordon fully sunk in and paused, breath growing raggedy as he gently grabbed Barney's love handle with one hand and his shoulder with the other. He shuffled around before starting to move fully, dragging his cock out before thrusting back in, with such a rhythm you'd think he was writing songs. It drove Barney wild, the pleasure of his prostate being gently fucked against by Gordon… Heaven had nothing on this.
It wasn't long before the two got into sync, making love like Mozart larp’d being a cat. Barney felt his face get hotter, like he was next to a fire, his breaths coming out quicker as the two sped up, already reaching to the peak of their stamina. Barney felt Gordon lean in closer, breath ragged in his ear.
“So, how’s yer first time, big boy?” He panted, kissing and licking at his neck, making Barney shiver.
“Oh- G-Gordie- it- it feels so good..! Mh…” Barney moaned as Gordon’s pace went faster and faster, he could tell they were ready to cum. “Cum in me, Gordon!”
And Gordon did just that. With a low huff and growl, Gordon sank his teeth into Barney’s fatty neck, just by the pulse point, as he came. Barney felt awash with pleasure as he finally came, gripping the sheets hard as Gordon kept thrusting into him like a dog. He finally came down from the high as Gordon pulled out, hearing him sigh in contentment. Barney could feel Gordon just… staring at his leaking ass and spent cock.
“T-take a-” he cleared his throat, voice cracking, “take a picture, j-jackass… It’ll last longer.” He snarked, before settling his head onto the pillows, thoroughly fucked out. He felt Gordon moving before coming back to his rear, hearing the shutter of a phone. “Did you--”
“Yep. New fodder for the ol’ spank bank, a new classic, if I say so myself.” Gordon smugly replied. They laid down beside him and pulled up the picture, showing off his work to Barney. It was… actually kind of hot. You could see both his hole and balls, both covered in cum. “... Can I-”
“Show it off bro, they’ll be jealous you fucked the daylights outta me an not them, lolz.” Barney finished for Gordon.
“Hell yes.” Gordon tapped away at his phone while the two cuddled post-coitus, Barney quickly falling asleep. What can he say, he’s more of a cum-then-snooze kind of man. Always has been, most always will be. Unless, you know… he met someone who had real endurance .