Chapter Text
(Note to the reader: This story takes place in an alternate version of the early 2000s. In their timeline, some things, like the Twilight DVD boxed set, were released much earlier, and others, like the Star Wars prequels, were never released at all. )
ONE
“I’m not going to read you the character descriptions. They’re all based off of us. Look, there’s me, there’s you, there’s you , there’s Sasha and Connie-”
“I see you included Jean.”
“Well, yeah. Look, I put Historia and all those guys, too.”
“Fine.”
“Just read it to us, Armin. We’ve been waiting all year.”
“Okay. Ready? Ahem. It starts with how we all became friends. Mikasa, it mentions in your character description that you were looking for a spell to ward off Jean. That’s important for this next part to make sense.”
“I can handle Jean just fine without involving the gods.”
“It’s called artistic license, Mikasa.”
“It’s fine, Armin. I’m just saying.”
“I’d still like to punch Jean right across the face.”
“We know, Eren. Anyways, can I start? Part one. Untitled. How we became friends. Ahem. Eren Yeager hadn’t been expecting to finish the day a hero to two nerds-”
“Are you and I the nerds?”
“Yes, Mikasa.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t think you’re a nerd, Mikasa.”
“Thank you, Eren.”
“ Eren Yeager hadn’t been expecting to finish the day a hero to two nerds, but for some reason when he walked past Jean Kirschtein, school bad boy and the scourge of any cute alternative girl within a 10 mile radius, picking on young otaku Armin Arlert near the sophomore lockers while cute goth girl Mikasa Ackerman cowered behind the vending machines, he felt suddenly compelled to step in. Jean had hooked his arm around Armin’s neck, knocking his glasses loose and making him cry.
‘“Is that fun for you?’ Eren asked, judgmentally.
“‘Huh?’ said Jean, pissed off to be interrupted in the midst of his unnecessary bullying. ‘Who the hell are you?’
“‘My name’s Eren Yeager, and I’m your worst nightmare,’ Eren shot back.”
“That’s not how I remember it.”
“It’s called artistic license, Eren. Just go with it. I’m your worst nightmare,’ Eren shot back. And then there’s some action stuff where you guys fight, but I think I’m going to redo it, so I’ll just skip ahead. Okay, punch punch punch. Kick. Jean rips your shirt. Mikasa and I cling together in fear. Here we go.
“‘Look! You ripped it!!’ Eren shouted, angrily gesturing at the tear in his white button up shirt that revealed a portion of his hairless chest, much to Mikasa’s titillated delight.
“‘Hey!’ Jean bellowed back, pointing at Eren and trying to act tough. “I know who you are now, understand?!’
“But the scary janitor, rumored to have once been a prominent criminal in the underground world of crime, was approaching and Jean didn’t want to stick around to get shanked, so he stomped away, vowing to get Eren back another time.
“The janitor left, too, now that there was no more brawl to jump into. Armin and Mikasa immediately crowded around Eren. Moved by great stirrings of emotion, Armin seized Eren by the shoulders and cried out, ‘Thank you!! You were as cool as the good guys in Kick-ass there!’
Mikasa looked at him over the top of her black magic spellbook with bedroom eyes. ‘No,’ she said. ‘You must be the dark knight called forth by my curse, here to fight off that man.’
“‘What?’ said Eren.
