I Wish You Saw Yourself

by infertilitygoddess

Summary:

Maddy was the only person left Jules wanted to impress. Jules was the first person in a long time Maddy hadn't felt hot enough for. Neither of them realized how badly they wanted to kiss.

Notes:

we are going to make this ship canon

Chapter 1: Kissing is Worse

For the first time in months, Jules had no idea what to wear. Around Rue and Elliot she’d gotten dressed on pure instinct, molding her silhouette into whatever shape her gut told her, layering shades of beige and gray and splashing color overtop. Something about Maddy—and maybe coincidentally about being single—brought out the competitive urge buried deep within her. It made her feel like she had when she was younger, dressing to impress creepy sociopath men and jocks with atrophied cerebellums. Maddy was so immaculately pretty, like one of those ancient temples it took thousands of people to build by hand. Jules always felt like she had something to prove around her. Intellectually she thought she should feel bad about that, but for some reason Maddy made her competitive urge feel good.

She hadn’t expected Maddy of all people to hit her up on a Saturday night. The two of them had grown closer in the absence of Rue and Cassie, but Jules still figured she was a a second-choice member of Maddy’s retinue, there by the grace of Kat. B-Team. She wasn’t much of a social climber, but the Mean Girls-roleplay of being with her always perked Jules up. It was like being in an expressionist painting of a popular kids clique, all stylized and blurry and homoerotic. But just being friends with Maddy—not at a party or in school, but alone together with nothing but each other’s company—fucking terrified her.

Part of her anxiety came from what Jules had left unspoken between them—about her and Cal, and her and Nate. When Maddy texted her to come over, Jules felt uneasy about how much she was keeping from Maddy. If they were going to be friends, she wanted everything to be open between them, not least of all so they could sidestep the drama that would come from telling her later. On the other hand, she’d seen Maddy key a girl’s eye for flirting with Nate, and didn’t wanna trigger her urge to murder anyone who came within ten yards of him.

A pile of skinny jeans and anime hoodies slowly accumulating around her feet, Jules zeroed in on her outfit piece-by-piece. First her binder, eliciting a sigh of relief as she slid it on. Then a pair of boxer-briefs dotted with the logo for Old Spice, a cropped black sweater, and a pair of heavy white overalls with a scarlet kiss-mark patch sewn onto the upper corner of her ass. She finished with fingerless leather gloves and heeled black boots. She spent a few minutes posing in the mirror, flexing her arms and placing her hands on her hips, before bouncing down the stairs, giving her worried-looking dad a kiss on the cheek, and riding her bike into the sunset.

~

Maddy was stressed.

It wasn’t the first time. Maddy had fought and bled for beauty. She’d woken up every morning and thrown herself into it since before she could read. She would go to war and kill a thousand men to make her brows a hair sleeker or her lips a drop fuller. It was not something she fucked around with.

Being around Jules was different, though. Her presence woke up a part of Maddy she hadn’t felt since her last tour of duty in the pageant circuit. Jules was a rival. Not the way Cassie was—as beautiful as her best friend was, there was always a clear hierarchy with Maddy on the throne and Cassie at her side fanning her. No one else even came close to Cassie-level, and the kids who’d tried usually ended up with a black eye or all their lipstick floating in a toilet. Then Jules just waltzed in looking like she’d fallen from heaven at a million miles an hour and landed without so much as a stray hair. She was effortlessly beautiful, literally fucking sparkling like a cartoon character. It terrified Maddy, so much that she’d gladly give Jules her throne and the keys to the castle for a 5-minute eyeshadow lesson. And then she’d had the audacity to flip her look on its head when she got back from Los Angeles or Tampa or wherever she’d run off to, stealing Maddy’s crown every day while looking like a weird art school gay boy. 

So there Maddy was, wearing sweatpants and a lacy bra, her hair in a loose bun, no makeup except eyeliner from the morning. She paced in circles panicking about how to impress a girl who thought Rue Bennett was hot. Once her anxiety frenzy began to peak, her mom shouted that “the blonde girl—not Cassie” was at their doorstep.

Maddy bit her lip, mind going blank, and just yelled for her mom to let Jules in.

~

Jules suppressed her lingering sense of dread by making herself right at home, projecting all the confidence she’d built up during her private gun show in the mirror. She kicked off her boots and hugged Maddy tightly, arms wrapping around her neck and hands resting on the side of her chest, before plopping down on her bed. Maddy stood there looking dazed.

“I’m glad you like, invited me over,” Jules broke the silence. 

Maddy let out a sigh and sat next to Jules.  “Well, Cassie’s been acting like such a circus freak, and Kat is off doing romance novel shit with Ethan, and—I dunno, you’re the only person I like anymore.”

Jules snorted and crawled forward to rest her head on Maddy’s lap. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected Maddy to say, but it wasn’t that. They’d hung out all of four times, always with friends, and she’d assumed inviting her over was a sign of tentative acceptance into Maddy’s cool kids club, not a proposal to be best friends. Maddy ran her hand through Jules’s hair, sending a tingling feeling down her spine.

“You don’t have to flatter me. I fully thought you didn’t like me at all, I dunno what I did to earn it.”

Maddy blushed—for what Jules thought was the literal first time she’d ever seen—and she stammered—also for what Jules thought was the literal first time she’d ever seen—before composing herself enough to answer.

“You didn’t need to earn shit from me. I’ve wanted to be friends with you from the first time I saw you leaning against Rue’s fucking greasy hoodie.” Maddy looked like a disciplinarian father giving his kid a talking to, nearly spitting the last four words at Jules. Kinda hot.

Jules giggled again, this time a little more gracefully than her snort of surprise before. Maddy was clearly trying to keep her cool, but this was the most earnest and off-balance Jules had ever seen her. Maybe being single for too long was just changing her, but it felt like something was off. It briefly occurred to Jules that seeing her cuddle with Rue was an oddly specific time for Maddy to decide they should be friends, but she didn’t give herself long to mull over the thought before another, darker memory surfaced.

“Is something wrong? I wasn’t being a cunt intentionally. I mean, to you.” Maddy looked at her with concern, clutching Jules’s hair tightly between her fingers.

Jules sat up, taking Maddy’s hand in hers and looking her dead in the eye. With her free hand Maddy reached for Jules’s hair again, seemingly unthinkingly, and laced her fingers into it. An intense urge to vomit out her feelings came over Jules, and she wasn’t sure if it was literal or metaphorical. Only way to find out was to open her mouth and see what came out.

“No, you’re not even a little bit cunty. I like, totally assumed you thought I was a loser fag until we hung out at the Winter Formal, but of course I wanted to be friends with you. I’ve always wanted to be friends with you.” Jules gripped Maddy’s hand tighter after the words Winter Formal.

“Okay, but there like, is something wrong?” Maddy held Jules’s gaze and gently cocked her head to the side.

Jules bit her lip, resisting the urge to spill for a moment before the dam broke and everything came rushing out. She started from the beginning, talking about her hookup with Cal, their run-in at the carnival, texting with Tyler, finding out his identity, and finally blackmailing her to cover his own ass for hurting Maddy. It felt like it all came in on breath. She watched Maddy’s eyes go from unsurprised concern to disgust to cold and expressionless as Jules babbled. Her hand never left the side of Jules’s face. When she finished, a long silence fell over them. Jules twiddled her thumbs, watching Maddy stare straight at her, holding her hair just a little too tightly for comfort.

“I’m sorry.” Jules spoke with a near-whisper, almost choking on her words, “I think he was really in love with me.” She felt Maddy let go of her hair. Jules watched her stand up and walk away, facing the wall. Jules couldn’t parse what was happening, but she felt the memory of a dozen hookups gone wrong rising in her throat like bile. Maddy raised her arm slowly and pounded the wall, making Jules jump with surprise. She left a shallow dent, paint cracked, a trace of blood smeared into it.

“What the fuck.” Maddy shouted, turning around with tears in her eyes. There was something Nate-esque about her, staring Jules down with blood on her knuckles, though she was showing emotion he would never let slip. Jules could close her eyes and feel exactly like she was still with him on the night of the carnival.

Jules gulped and got up, her feet carrying her to the door as she muttered another apology. Her brain was going into survival mode, like a gazelle running from a cheetah. Coherent thoughts came in fleeting bursts. She knew she shouldn’t have said a word about Nate. Her friendship with Maddy was over. She never should’ve expected anything else. She never should’ve broken up with Rue. She was going to go home and watch nature documentaries until she passed out. She gripped the doorknob, taking a deep breath, when she felt Maddy grab her wrist from behind.

“Wait, Jules- I didn’t- I’m not like, mad at you. I would fucking never.” Jules turned around and faced Maddy. The calculating part of her brain, capable of separating itself from the moment, registered the feeling of tears flowing down her cheeks, how firmly but gently Maddy was touching her, and how perfectly the twilight suited Maddy’s complexion and her dark eyes. She was on the verge of sobbing, but still made a mental note that Maddy was stronger than she’d expected.

“Maddy, I’ve seen you fucking like, skin sophomores alive and hang them from meat hooks for trying to hook up with Nate. You don’t have to pretend you don’t give a shit.” That hadn’t sounded so mean in Jules’s head.

“Okay. I’m like. A little jealous sometimes. I’m a future serial killer. Whatever. I wasn’t jealous when you told me any of that.” Maddy looked down, eyes wide. It looked like she was parsing through her feelings as she spoke, and Jules had no clue where she was going with it.

“You punched a wall. It was exactly some shit a future serial killer would do.” That hadn’t sounded so mean in her head either. Fuck.

“I didn’t feel mad. I felt protective. I felt like I would kill a thousand fucking men to keep you safe. I would do literally anything to keep Nate’s hands off of you.” Maddy stepped toward Jules, relaxing her grip on her wrist, and looked up into her eyes. The calculating part of Jules’s mind made another note that this was the first time she’d ever felt hot for being taller than someone else. Her voice growing softer, Maddy continued “I’m sorry I scared you, Jules.”

Jules grinned. She had dismissed the possibility as crazy a dozen times over the past few weeks, but the pieces were all starting to come together. Maddy’s lingering gaze, her soft touches, her sudden attachment. “It’s okay. It’s kind of hot you’d put a dent like that in Nate’s face for me.”

“That’s because I’m fucking hot.” Maddy’s lips were getting dangerously close to hers, the girl straining to reach up to her. The sensation of Maddy’s breath against her neck made her anxiety melt away, and her muscles relaxed. 

“Prove it.” Jules slipped her arms around Maddy’s waist and their lips met halfway. Jules moaned in surprise at how soft Maddy’s felt. They stood there for what felt like hours, their kiss turning from a gentle admission to a competition for who could do more with their tongue. By the time Jules pulled back the sun had finally disappeared and the two were standing together in the dark.

“Is this feeling why you like, swore off men?”

Jules giggled. “Kinda, yeah.”

“Okay,” Maddy said, pulling Jules down onto the bed with her. Maddy slipped her hands into her overalls, fingers playing with the hem of Jules’s boxers. The calculating part of Jules’s brain fully shut off the second Maddy’s hands arrived at her hip bone, leaving her animal brain in charge. “Doesn’t seem as fucking unhinged now.”

Chapter 2: One-Hundred Percent Straight

The desire to make a good impression possessed Maddy. She would roll up at Jules’s house bright and early to pick her up for school, coming in to shake her dad’s hand and wait for her to get ready. Neither of them had told him about their budding relationship, but to her surprise, Maddy found herself slipping into the role of respectful boyfriend around him. She copied everything she’d seen guys do to impress her parents, standing up straight and chastely complimenting Jules. Jules’s dad once let the words "finally a good influence” slip before pursing his lip and changing the subject. Jules would stomp downstairs at the absolute last minute, taking Maddy’s breath away before grabbing her by the collar and rushing out the door.

It had been two weeks since their first kiss. Jules hopped out of the car ahead of Maddy and gestured for her to follow. Even if Maddy hadn’t worn 4-inch heels, she couldn’t understand Jules’s urge to rush everywhere, preferring to stand back and watch her bounce around the entrance. She felt a warm glow when Jules stopped and held the door open for her. Jules puffed her chest out and held her shoulders high, waiting for her to catch up. She looked like a knight in shining armor clearing the way for her princess, with sunlight glinting off her eyeshadow and her silk bomber. Maddy waltzed past her, pausing only to give her a brief eyebrow-raise.

It wasn’t hard for Jules to break through her haughty act, though, and that morning she dashed after Maddy and bear-hugged her, giggling and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Maddy concentrated all of her willpower on fighting the urge to play with Jules’s hair. She noticed that Jules’s eyes had turned serious, staring into Maddy’s with a raised eyebrow and soft pout. Maddy cocked her head and waited for Jules to speak.

“Okay, I know we like, talked about it last week and agreed telling everyone was a bad idea—but what if it was just Kat? She can probably already tell anyway.” Jules spoke with a whisper, glancing to the side to check if anyone was clocking their embrace as more than straight girl friendship.

“Babe, you know we can’t yet. We still have a lot of shit to figure out. Just give it time, okay?” Maddy’s confident tone hid a whirlwind of emotions. She wasn’t ashamed of being with Jules, but the thought of everyone knowing still scared the shit out of her. She had spent years crafting a delicate image as a queen bee on a path to luxurious wifehood. Being with Jules opened so many possibilities for her, but she felt like it also closed the one she’d groomed herself for for so long. And if she was being completely honest with herself, she liked that Jules was her secret. There was something powerful about having her all to herself, not sharing her with the gaze of every horny nerd in a 10 mile radius. Jules was hers.

“You’re like a Grindr hookup.” Jules pouted harder before turning away from Maddy and walking away, giving her a blithe wave. Seeing her hair from that angle gave Maddy butterflies.

“And you fucking love it, Julesie.” Maddy felt powerful and evil and a little turned on, all of which quickly dissolved under a wave of shame. She narrowed her eyes and turned on her heel. Kat was leaning against her locker down the hall, and gave Maddy a smirk as she approached.

“Ethan finally make you cum this morning, Kat?”

“I’m just trying to figure out how oblivious you are.” Kat responded, filing in beside Maddy.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I don’t wanna blow up her spot or anything, but I know a crush when I see one.” Kat looked like she was savoring the gossip as it escaped her lips, following it with an expectant glance. Maddy’s lip curled. Maybe she was sharing Jules with the gaze of at least one horny nerd. Objectively she knew they hadn’t been that careful, but she didn’t feel like what she and Jules did in public was that different from her and her other friends.

“Jules won’t say a word about it to me, but she got all blushy and defensive when I asked. There’s no way you haven’t noticed her, like, guarding your back whenever you drink from the water fountain and opening doors for you and shit.” Kat looked incredulous, while Maddy kept her face cold and blank.

“I don’t wanna hear your fucking gross fanfic about me, Kat. Jules isn’t any more into me than Cassie was.” Maddy had a split second to feel pleased with her deflection before Kat’s eyes went wide and she let out an involuntary squeak, as if that only proved her point. Maddy chose not to think too hard about why that was.

“Look, all I’m saying is, please try to be chill about it.” Kat sighed, pausing mid-sentence. “I know all you want is a big strong axe murderer to put a bunch of babies in you, but Jules is my friend and I don’t wanna see her get hurt. Let her down easy when she makes her move.”

Maddy stopped just outside their classroom and laid her hand on Kat’s shoulder, leaning in close and looking her dead in the eye.

“Stop being so fucking gay, Kat.”

“Love you too, Maddy.”

~

The sunset gave Jules’s jacket an orange cast on her walk home. She snuck out of class a few minutes early, avoiding the throng of students after the bell. Maddy wanted her to come plan outfits for BB’s parents-out-of-town party on Saturday, but their mini-showdown that morning made her wanna curl into bed with the lights dim and headphones on all night.

When she was halfway home, she felt a buzz in her pocket and reached for her phone. She was expecting Kat or Maddy, or at worst Rue, but she was surprised to see Lexi’s name. Their text history went back five messages, all of which were some variation on is rue with you and is rue ok? There were no messages from more than a week after Rue and Jules’s last breakup. Lexi’s text read can we hang tn? I wanna talk.

Jules paused in the middle of the street, a car honking at her before swerving around. She felt an ache of worry for Rue. She and Elliot had been spiraling together for weeks, and it seemed obvious Lexi was bearing bad news. She typed back totally, i’m home in like 10 min before pocketing her phone and carrying on.

Jules was surprised by how quickly Lexi showed up. She’d just gotten home and started to change, wearing only her binder and a pair of lace-lined boyshorts, when Lexi knocked on her bedroom door.

“Hey, your dad let me in. Is this still… Cool?” Lexi sounded this anxious perpetually, but Jules still took it as confirmation that something was wrong.

“I’m kinda naked, but like. Yes.” There was a pause before the door began to creep open, Lexi inching in with her eyes closed. Out of pure habit, Jules struck a seductive pose on her bed. “You can open your eyes if you want, I don’t care.”

Lexi closed the door behind her. She was in a knee-length floral dress, hair clipped back in a barrette. Jules respected her commitment to looking like a cute Hollywood nerd. She gestured for Lexi to sit beside her, and the girl nervously complied.

“Did something happen with Rue, Lex?”

“What? No. Should something have?” Lexi looked genuinely surprised.

“It’s just like, the only thing we’ve ever talked about. Unless you’re here to ask for a makeover I can’t think of another reason you’d wanna see your ex-best friend’s jilted ex-girlfriend.”

Lexi winced. “Well, okay—I know this isn’t like, technically any of my business, and you probably don’t really wanna talk to me, and like maybe I should just apologize and dip like right now, but-”

“Lexi. Babe. Just tell me what’s up, okay? No need to apologize.”

Jules wasn’t sure if Lexi was going to open up or walk out the door. Her expression was stormy, like an unhappy mix of anger and fear and concern. She occupied herself by staring at Jules’s Stop!! Hibari-kun! poster for a moment before gently clearing her throat.

“Okay. Sorry.” She gave Jules an amazingly dweeby smile. “I just like, noticed how much you and Maddy have been hanging out? And the way you like, hold open doors for her and bring her weird little presents and search for her in every crowd at school? I’m not trying to sound like I’m stalking you, I’m pretty sure everyone with eyes has noticed. Cassie looks kind of disturbed by it, I think Rue is genuinely a little impressed in her dazed Rue way, even Ashtray asked me if you were cheating on Rue with her.”

Jules rolled her eyes at Rue’s name, but didn’t stop Lexi from continuing.

“And I’m not trying to like, equate our experiences or assume anything about your feelings as a trans woman, because I like know it’s different-”

“Lexi. No apologizing for having a pussy. This isn’t online. I want you to say exactly what you’re thinking.” Jules cut in, laying a hand on Lexi’s shoulder. Lexi took a breath and nodded.

“What I’m trying to say is that I saw myself in you. I’ve spent my entire life looking at Rue the same way. I know how fucking soul-crushing wanting someone who doesn’t want you and having to hide that from everyone can be. The thought of someone else going through that alone scared the shit out of me, and I figured even if it made me look like a total creep I should come tell you that I’m here if you need anything.” Lexi’s shoulders seemed to relax, for literally the first time Jules had ever seen. “Damn. I’ve never said any of that to anyone. It feels kinda good.”

Jules looked at her curiously. She wished she could say any of it was a surprise. She’d also seen herself in the mournful, wanting looks Lexi gave Rue when she thought no one was looking. The fact that she had stopped doing it the second Fezco and her started hanging out just confirmed it. Part of her felt proud that Lexi had been willing to spill all of that just for her, but another part of her was horrified that everyone thought she had an unrequited crush on Maddy. It wasn’t a new feeling for her. She’d had more than one football player in an empty locker room confess their love to her back home, only to go back to ignoring her the second anyone else was in earshot.

Jules realized that she’d been staring at Lexi for a minute, and Lexi’s expression was almost pleading. She felt a pang of dyke-to-dyke kinship cutting through her romantic angst.

“I’m sorry that Rue ignored you. She’s really fucking bad at seeing what matters.” Jules took Lexi’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Lexi just shrugged.

“I’m like, mostly over it. Been seeing someone with a little more chill. I just wanna make sure you don’t get trapped in the same pit with Maddy.” Lexi gave Jules an encouraging smile. Jules was starting to understand why Rue placed her life in Lexi’s hands so many times. Something about the look in her eye radiated trustworthiness, like the inverse of Nate.

“I appreciate it. But there is something you should know about me and Maddy.” Jules started from the beginning, talking about their unspoken rivalry, the evening at the bowling alley, and finally the night of their first kiss. Lexi listened closely, emoting at all the right dramatic beats. Jules hadn’t realized what a good listener she was.

“I dunno, Lex. I like her, but I never wanted to go back to being someone’s secret. I want everyone in the world to know about us.” Jules finished and rolled her shoulders as if she’d just done a set of bench-presses.

Lexi’s mouth was agape. “You kissed Maddy Perez? Is she even gay?”

Jules twiddled her fingers suggestively. “I asked her on our first night together and she literally said ‘sexuality is like, a spectrum,’ and told me not to be so binary. I have no idea where the fuck she learned those words.”

“I literally completely cannot fathom Maddy accusing someone of being binary.” Lexi suppressed a laugh. “I’m glad you guys are together, but you shouldn’t let her push you around. Gay or not, she’s still Maddy.”

Jules nodded. She felt an urge to cry and choked it down. It felt like swallowing a rock. “I know what I’m getting into.”

Lexi nodded back. “Okay. Well. I don’t wanna lecture you about your secret cheerleader wife, so. Umm.” She froze for a moment and looked around Jules’s as if she was hunting for something to talk about that wasn’t Maddy or Rue. “Is that poster from a cartoon?”

Jules’s urge to cry melted into laughter. “Oh, we’re gonna have a talk.”

Notes:

inside of you there are 2 wolves. one is boyfriend lesbian the other is dl trade

Chapter 3: A Million Layers of Not-Me

Notes:

cw dream sequence gore and misgendering

Maddy dreamt about Jules that night. She was an MMA fighter, and Maddy was her coach. It was the final round of a championship fight, and Maddy threw a cold towel around her neck and started giving her a massage and a pep talk. There was blood dripping from her lip.

“You’ve got him on the fucking run, Vaughn. Just stay light on your feet and watch for that left hook. We knew going in he’s got you on size, but as long as you stay a step ahead you’ll tire him out and get an opening. It’s all on this round. Ruin him.” Maddy finished her speech with a kiss to Jules’s forehead. Her girlfriend grinned, revealing a freshly-chipped front tooth and more blood than Maddy expected. Maddy pulled Jules’s hair back, tilting her head, and lifted a water bottle to her mouth. She wrapped her lips around it and drank aggressively, keeping her eyes on Maddy.

“I got you, coach. Not gonna let you down.” She kissed Maddy on the cheek and stood up, shaking her towel off. Giving herself a moment to stare at Jules’s muscles, Maddy looked across the ring to her opponent. Nate was sitting across from them, sweat glistening on his chest. He looked more or less unharmed. His coach whispered something in his ear and then looked up, making eye contact with Maddy. It slowly dawned on her that she was looking at herself—blonde and wearing something Cassie would pick out, but definitely her. The other-Maddy winked and turned back to Nate.

The bell rang and the crowd began to roar, shouting demands for illegal moves and visceral gore. Maddy looked around and realized that everyone in the crowd was Ashtray, a thousand clones of the kid shaking their fists and cutting bets with each other. The ref—also Ashtray—stepped forward and beckoned Nate and Jules forward before blowing his whistle. A live commentator—Ashtray too—announced that this was the fight of the century as Nate and Jules began to circle each other. Jules danced around Nate tauntingly, feinting and sticking out her tongue. Nate’s expression was stony and he thrust his fist forward, his back taut and feet planted. He landed in Jules’s eye, sending her stumbling backward. She flipped her hair and Maddy caught sight of a fresh black eye, her playful smile unharmed. Maddy’s heart rate skyrocketed, fear and attraction struggling for dominance.

“You can do it, Vaughn.” Her voice wavered, the nearest Ashtray shaking his head at her doubtfully.

Jules got to her feet and dodged another punch to the side. She jabbed Nate’s chest twice, barely eliciting more than a grunt of annoyance.

“This bitch is really man enough for you, Maddy?” Nate looked incredibly pleased with himself. Jules hit him with an uppercut and his neck just rolled back, lips curling into a smirk. Maddy tried to shout an insult back at him, but the words were trapped in her throat. Jules was breathing heavily, but still smiled like everything was under control.

Nate yawned and raised his fist again. Jules froze, hands at her side. Maddy wanted to shout for her to duck, to hit him, to forfeit, but her mouth wouldn’t open. Jules stood perfectly still and waited for the punch to land, eyes on the ground. It hit her like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon, sending a shockwave that rattled the net and knocked the front row of Ashtrays on their backs. Jules just crumpled at Nate’s feet, blood pooling around her face.

Maddy didn’t wait more than a second before climbing over the side of the ring, but somehow the rope twisted itself around her heel and she slammed face-first into the ring. She groaned and looked up, just in time to see Jules reach into her sports bra. Nate cocked his head, stepping back. She pulled out a boxcutter, hidden between her tits. It glinted in the spotlight and as she shoved it into Nate’s ankle. He screamed and lunged for her arm, but she pulled the boxcutter out and cut his other leg before he could reach her. He toppled to the side in slow motion, letting out a desperate sob.

The other-Maddy marched toward referee-Ashtray and began demanding he call a foul. He laughed in her face. The crowd was going wild. Jules stumbled to her feet for a moment before collapsing again, landing with her knees around Nate’s waist. He tried to grab her arm, but she was too fast, the boxcutter sinking into his chest. She stabbed him again and again, working her way up to his face. His sobs slowly died down until he went limp, upper body blanketed in shallow wounds. Jules stood up, walking over to Maddy with her knees shaking.

Maddy pulled herself to her feet, her leg finally slipping out of the net, and embraced Jules. Her girlfriend was covered in blood—hers and Nate’s, but mostly Nate’s. It felt warm against Maddy’s skin.

“I love you, babe.”

“I love you too.” Jules responded, spitting out a handful of teeth.

That was the moment Maddy woke up. She was drenched in sweat. Her dream and reality blurred together for a few moments before she remembered where she was. The sky outside was a deep purple, the shade where it wasn’t quite night and wasn’t quite dawn. Her clock read 5:23am. She moaned in discomfort, aching for the feeling of Jules’s touch.

~

Jules slept dreamlessly. She woke up with the yellow-pink light of sunrise washing over her room. It was early for her, but she had no idea when she’d fallen asleep. She stretched her arms and yawned, which turned into a surprised squeak when she heard breathing in the bed beside her. For a second she hoped Maddy was beside her, immediately thinking of looks she wanted to try on for her and gossip she wanted to share, before she remembered their spat the day before. She glanced around and spotted Lexi laying diagonally on her bed, still in her dress and barrette. One of her arms hung over the side of the bed, while the other was bent underneath her—it looked incredibly uncomfortable.

The memory of the night before returned to Jules. She and Lexi had talked for hours, sharing dinner with Jules’s dad before returning to her room. An evening of expounding about their taste in TV—anime for Jules and 80s drama for Lexi—turned into a night of processing their relationships with Rue, Maddy and Fezco. Jules regretted that they’d never spoken one-on-one before. It seemed obvious in retrospect. Lexi had lived through all the same nightmares with Rue that she had, and for the most part she’d learned to navigate them with more care and grace than Jules ever managed.

She shook Lexi’s shoulder and the girl stirred, looking up at her.

“Oh, fuck. What time is it?”

“It’s like, 6:30. I wouldn’t have woken you but I’m pretty sure your arm was gonna fall off if you kept sleeping on it like that.” 

“Okay. Fuck. I should probably get home, we have an emergency rehearsal today.” Lexi grumbled and sat up. Several tufts of her hair arced up at an angle that defied gravity.

“I’ll see you at BB’s later?”

Lexi nodded and stood up, grabbing her shoes and her backpack and walking to the door. She paused before opening it and turned on her heel.

“I know Maddy isn’t a coward, but she’s acting like one. I hope that changes.” She gave Jules a sad smile and stepped out. Jules paused for a beat before burying her face in a pillow, tears welling up.

~

Try as she may, Maddy couldn’t get back to sleep. All she wanted was to return to her bloodbath embrace with Jules. The hours ticked by until she lost hope and crawled out of bed. She was having an impressively bad hair day, and it took an hour to get her look in order. She slipped on a tight, cold-shouldered violet dress and gold hoops. In addition to her daily flood of texts from suitors and wannabe friends, she had a single message from Jules, at 8am of all times: see u today?

She didn’t respond, but plucked a pair of heels from her closet and skipped breakfast just to see her sooner. Being near Jules made Maddy feverish with desire, like she was in a celebrity’s entourage—but that only made her anxiety about coming out cut deeper. It was hard for her brain to process herself as anything but a woman with men, like she was deleting her self-concept and replacing it with a big question mark. Easier if she could just be someone else with Jules in private, exploring that side of herself freely, and keep being Maddy Perez to the rest of the world.

Her pores leaked stress on the drive to Jules’s. She turned her speaker up to an ear-splitting volume to drown her thoughts in old R&B, hands gripping the wheel tight enough to choke it. The roads were mostly empty, which was a blessing, because she managed to violate about a dozen traffic laws on the quiet suburban side-streets between her and Jules. When she stepped in her girlfriend’s door, she felt the kind of relief snakes must feel after shedding a skin.

Jules was in a Sleepaway Camp hoodie—which was confusing, because Maddy didn’t think Jules was into horror movies, but it was kind of a look—and lace panties. Her hair was tied back in twin buns, which made Maddy’s heart flutter. She looked pensive, greeting Maddy shyly but giving her a tight hug. Jules’s dad was out shopping, and the house was theirs for the time being.

Maddy settled in at the kitchen table, kicking her feet up on a second chair. She expounded about the latest drama while Jules flipped pancakes and veggie sausage. Jules crinkled her nose when she questioned whether Rue and Elliot were fucking and giggled when she joked about castrating Nate. There was something charmingly domestic about it, like Jules was her dutiful housewife and she was a working man telling stories about the boys at the factory. A working man in heels and a bodycon dress, but still.

Jules set their plates down and sat across from her, scarfing down pancake without hesitation. She looks fucking adorable.

“You look fucking adorable.” Maddy twirled her fork in the air, a half-eaten bite of sausage nearly scraping her cheek. Jules bit her lip, setting her fork down but staying silent. Maddy’s mood went from flirty to concerned. “Are you okay, baby?”

“Kinda.” Jules took a deep breath. She looked like she was searching for something in the lines of Maddy’s face, but Maddy couldn’t say what. “Lexi slept over last night.”

Maddy’s heart started beating faster. She had an old, familiar feeling. She thought of it as a her-and-Nate feeling, something from jealous and drunken nights out with him. It was an alien invader at Jules Vaughn’s breakfast table, with Jules Vaughn’s pancakes growing cold in front of her.

“Did you fuck her?” She meant for her voice to sound loud and abrasive, like it had every other time she’d said those words, but all that came out was a nervous whisper. She crossed her hands over her chest.

“Oh my god, no, fuck, that didn’t come out right.” Jules blushed with embarrassment, pulling her hoodie around her knees. “She came over to talk and fell asleep. She guessed there was something up with us and wanted to ask. It was sweet.”

“Did you tell her?” Maddy gulped. This was a hair’s breadth above Jules having sex with her. If Kat and Lexi could both tell, maybe Maddy wasn’t as slick as she thought she’d been.

“I kinda did. I know we said not yet, I just-” Jules paused, glancing around the room as if searching for the right words on the kitchen counter or above the fridge. “I’d forgotten what being a secret was like, and I didn’t realize how badly I needed someone to know.”

Maddy felt her heart disassemble itself and ship each of its atoms to a different corner of the globe. She laid her hands on the table, acrylics tapping her plate.

“You needed someone to know I’m a dyke?” She wasn’t as quiet that time, injecting a drop of venom into her tone. Lexi was liable to tell Rue and Fezco, and from there her whole empire.

“I’m just like, a little fucking tired of being a secret. Maybe this comes as a shock, but I didn’t really take you for someone who’d be afraid to tell people you’re dating a trans girl.” Jules threw her hands up. Maddy stopped tapping her plate.

“Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?” Maddy felt like her brain was a dial-up computer trying to play high-def porn.

“I’m not stupid. That’s why literally no one but Rue would ever date me in public. You don’t have to pretend.” Jules sounded as baffled as she was annoyed. Maddy mulled everything over in her mind. She knew objectively that Jules was trans, but she couldn’t remember ever thinking about it for more than a moment. She wasn’t some woke ally queen about it—regret it or not, she’d bullied the shit out of the first kid in her middle school to transition. Jules was just Jules. Jules was her girlfriend. Jules.

“Jules, we’re a secret because of me. I don’t even think about that shit. You’re just a girl to me.” Maddy hoped in vain that this would console Jules, but somehow she looked even more annoyed. Maddy still felt angry and betrayed, but that side of her had lost the momentum again.

“What if I don’t just wanna be a girl to you?” More and more of Jules disappeared beneath her hoodie, hands vanishing under her sleeves and collar rising over neck.

“I thought that was like, the whole fucking point? You’re not different from Cassie or BB. I mean, like, hotter, but the same otherwise. What the fuck am I doing wrong here?” Maddy began to regret never opening the articles Kat had been sending her for years. Somewhere in the sea of Instagram graphics she’d been ignoring was the solution to her girlfriend’s raised eyebrows.

“The point is whatever I want it to be.” Jules reemerged from her hoodie fortress, kicking her legs out and leaning back in her chair. “Sometimes all I want is to be a woman without anyone questioning me. Sometimes I want the whole world to know I’m trans before I’m like, anything else. What matters is that it’s mine. I’m whatever I decide I am. I want you to like every part of me without needing to hide it.”

“It’s not about you, Jules. I need to figure my own shit out if I’m gonna love you.” Maddy wasn’t aware of the tears forming in the corner of her eye until she finished speaking. She was angry with herself for not recognizing how her girlfriend felt, but angrier with Jules for ignoring Maddy’s own feelings. 

Jules stared at her pancakes. Dead silence fell over them, eventually broken by the sound of Jules’s dad pulling up in the driveway. The sudden urgency of speaking before he came in seemed to break Jules out of whatever she was ruminating on, and she finally looked at Maddy.

“You love me?”

~

Nate had fallen asleep staring at an Instagram post.

Jules, Maddy and Kat were huddled together in a school bathroom. Nate was certain he and Maddy had fucked on that specific counter once. Kat and Maddy looked straight at the camera. Kat was doing a duck face, and Nate couldn’t even begin to tell if it was ironic or not. Maddy just looked smug and self-righteous. Jules, though, wasn’t looking at the camera. She’d turned her head toward Maddy, nose almost touching her cheek. He spent three hours that night sitting in the dark and staring at the selfie. Jealousy eclipsed his every thought, like a TV tuned to static. 

He was aware of how much time Jules had been spending with Maddy. She’d been flaunting it to everyone with a functioning pair of eyes. He watched while she brought Maddy offerings of chocolate at lunch. He watched while she fixed Maddy’s eyeliner at the diner. He watched while she bear-hugged her in the hallway and whispered in her ear. He dreamt of watching her as soon as he passed out.

When he woke up, it was noon. Harsh daylight flooded his room. He grabbed his phone—2% charged—and opened Instagram, eyes locking on the selfie again.

Notes:

last 2 chapters were heavy on jules-perspective so this one is Very Maddy