Chapter Text
Why is he so FUCKING hot?!
I don’t know, you have weird tastes. I thought you were only into girls, though.
Sexuality is fluid, jackass. I’m omnisexual and prefer women. But I’m still interested in men. And you’re gay too.
… but not for an Uchiha.
Fuck you, Kura. the fox chuckles quietly. I take a deep breath before speaking.
“We’re not here to fight. We want to talk.” the Uchiha tilts his head.
“My mission is to capture you and or your brother. I can’t imagine what we would talk about”
“Not even having your status as rogue shinobi removed?” Shikamaru's head whips around to face me, and Itachi stiffens.
“And how would you do anything about it?” I shrug.
“I may or may not have picked up a habit of breaking into the ANBU archives and reading restricted files. It’s amazing what the elders have swept under the rug. I have almost twice the necessary amount of incriminating evidence to have them all assassinated. Also, your brother is probably gay.” the ravenette blinks several times, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards.
“I’m aware that Sasuke most likely prefers men. Straight men don’t wear their hair like that.” my smile widens.
“Exactly. Anyways. What kind of therapy do you go to?” Shikamaru watches the interaction with growing disbelief. Itachi’s eyebrows knit together.
“I don’t. I’ve never found it necessary. Should I be?” I stare at the Uchiha.
“Um. that has so many levels of trauma and abuse that I can’t even start explaining the dozens of reasons why without wanting to murder someone. If Naruto ever becomes Hokage, I’m going to make sure he starts mandatory therapy. Weekly. Therapy.”
“What the hell is going on here?” We both look at Shikamaru, then at each other.
“Political negotiations.” I smile slightly at Itachi. He doesn’t smile back, but he lets go of some of the tension in his face.
“Politics are fucking weird,” Shikamaru mutters. I laugh, while Itachi hums in agreement.
“So. Are we in agreement, then?”
“Three things.” I gesture for him to continue. “One. I want to help bring my brother back to the village. Two.” he hesitates, so I cut in.
“If you would like to address that with the Hokage privately, I can probably arrange that. I think I might already have an idea, though.” he looks at me, surprised. I sign the word illness with one hand, where Shikamaru can’t see. He looks at me quizzically, nodding slightly. I tap the side of my nose, indicating that I could smell the sickness on him. Understanding dawns in his eyes.
“Three. While that is an incredibly well-constructed henge, I would prefer to see what the person I’m speaking to looks like, without the Sharingan.” I freeze. I look at him in horror.
“What’s he talking about, Ren?” I ignore Shikamaru, squeezing my eyes shut. I count to ten, trying to regulate my breathing.
“While that may happen in time,” I say quietly, “now is not that time.” the Uchiha nods. I sigh in relief. “You might want to remove the cloak. If the others see the cloak, they’ll probably attack sight.``He removes the cloak without saying anything. I toss him an empty storage scroll, which he catches with ease. He removes his weapons pouch and katana, sealing them in the scroll, before tossing it back to me.
“Then lead the way.” I look at Shikamaru. The brunette nods, and we look back at Itachi. The ravenette moves from his place on the rock to the same branch I’m on. I look between Itachi and Shikamaru.
“You’re both wearing fishnets.” Itachi looks confused. Shikamaru smirks, seeing where this is going.
“Straight men don’t wear fishnets.” Itachi looks baffled by my audacity. Shikamaru starts laughing.
“Who said I was straight?” I glance at Itachi. He smirks as I look him up and down.
“Fangirls, probably. Other than that, I can’t think of who would have a shitty enough gaydar to think you were straight. And I already know Shikamaru is gay for my brother.” Shikamaru almost falls off the branch.
“Just wait until you start having fangirls. It’s miserable.” I shudder, knowing how fangirls are.
“Let’s get moving. The others are either fighting Kisame still or retreating while waiting for us to catch up.”
“If they’re fighting Kisame, then we need to interrupt quickly.” I glance at Itachi. He’d know that better than we would. I inhale through my nose, trying to find the scent.
There.
I launch off the tree, and Itachi and Shikamaru follow me. I tap into my hashirin marks, finding Naruto’s. I grab Shikamaru and Itachi's arms before teleporting us to naruto. They both promptly double over, trying not to vomit.
“Sorry. First-time teleporting is always rough. Figured you’d fight it less if you didn’t know.” I glance at my surroundings. Tenten and Ino are unconscious, Neji and Lee are exhausted, Sakura is healing Hinata, and Kiba, choji, and Naruto are standing a few feet away.
“Well well, this is unexpected. Itachi, since you’re here, you might as well help me kill these kiddies.” I look Kisame up and down.
“Yeah, I think the rest of you can take a break. Sakura, make sure Itachi doesn’t start coughing up blood, he’s already about to puke whatever he’s eaten within the past week.”
“We’re helping a criminal?!” I raise an eyebrow. Sakura looks down, knowing she’s overstepped.
“You’ve got confidence, kid. What makes you think that Itachi is on your side?” I stare at the fish man.
“Look, sushi roll, I'm not in the mood to deal with you. So, unless you wanna become shark fin soup,” I start sparking until there’s a three-foot radius of lightning around me. I levitate slightly, the shark man steps back. “Back the fuck off” My hair stands on end, turning a blonde color, and my coat flows around me. Kakashi looks like he’s seen a ghost. The shark man smirks nervously.
“You may have the larger chakra reserve, but you aren’t experienced enough to win this fight” I smile foxily.
“Now, who said I wasn’t? Again, back off.” The shark man does the opposite. I close my eyes as Kisame lunges at me with samehada.
.flying thunder god Raijin Jutsu
Instead of hitting me, he encounters air. I land in a tree behind him. I pull out several more thunder god kunai
“What are ya gonna do with those, squirt?” my smile widens.
“I took the liberty of learning the yellow flash’s favorite Jutsu.” his eyes widen. He knows what I’m talking about. “So. Are you going to retreat, or continue this fight?” he looks at Itachi.
“What about Itachi?” I don’t look away.
“That’s his decision. We have enough evidence that he can be pardoned. You, however, need to fuck off. And hand over Yugito, please.”
“No yugito. But I’ll fuck off.” I nod and the shark man promptly disappears. I teleport back to Shikamaru. Ino and tenten are awake, and aware of Itachi. Not great, but it’s better than carrying their unconscious asses.
Shikamaru and Itachi are standing, having recovered from the effects of teleporting, but Itachi doubles over and coughs into his hand. I smell the sharp tang of blood, and I can tell Kiba and Kakashi also smell it. I put my hand on his shoulder, and he flinches away, coughing harder. I tighten my grip on his shoulder and pull his hand from his mouth. I inhale sharply as I take in the blood oozing between his fingers and onto the grass. There’s blood still on the corners of his mouth and his face. I push some chakra into him, trying to find the problem. My eyes fly open. I glare at him.
“Just how long have you been killing yourself?” he glares at me. I glare back. He sighs.
“Since the Anbu.”
“TEN FUCKING YEARS?! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ALIVE!”
“It is my job to keep Konoha safe as a shinobi, and to die at the hands of my brother.”
“Just how big can your ego get?”
“I do not have a big ego-”
“Yeah, yeah, save it, bird boy. I think I can still reverse most of the damage in your lungs and muscles, but your eyes are another story. Regular eyes clone just fine, but the Sharingan is just too delicate. Even so, a lot of people are going to want your eyes sealed.”
“Excuse me, can someone explain why Ren and an s-class rogue shinobi are arguing like a married couple?!”
“Shut the fuck up, you homophobic blonde bimbo.” Ino gasps, completely forgetting her original question.
“Listen up, you faggot-”
“Say that word again in my presence and you will lose the ability to speak.” I glance at Itachi in surprise. His mangekyo Sharingan is spinning, promising a very painful death. The blonde whimpers, hiding behind Choji. I decide to break the tension.
“You should be a drag queen.” The ravenette looks horrified.
“Over my dead body.”
“But you’re pretty enough. And you already wear fishnets.”
“What the fuck do fishnets have to do with anything?!”
“Stop arguing like a married couple. It’s adorable and disturbing.” without looking I throw a kunai at Shikamaru.
“Fuck you, pineapple.”
“No thanks, I don’t swing that way.” I raise an eyebrow but don’t say anything. I loop my arm around Itachi’s torso, helping him stand. He starts to protest and push me away.
“Itachi, I can literally hear you wheezing. Don’t argue with me. Plus, I’m a medic. Listen to my orders anyway.” the Uchiha stops complaining, but leans as far away from me as possible.
“So we’re ignoring the fact that he just threatened Ino?” I roll my eyes at tenten.
“Well, if he hadn’t done it, I would have.” I look at Kakashi in surprise. He shrugs. “My boyfriend hates that word, and I do too.” I laugh.
“Everyone is gay until proven straight!” Naruto sighs, knowing that if anyone questions, my rant is legendary.
“Yeah yeah, now let’s get moving. They’re probably sealing the two tails soon, so we need to get to the Akatsuki hideout.” I open my mouth, unsure of what to tell naruto.
“It’s too late to save Yugito. I’m assuming that your sister knew this but used it as a cover to attempt to retrieve me. Am I wrong?” I half-shrug.
“No, not really. Naruto, if you go on an ethics rant, I will castrate you with your chopsticks. You’re a shinobi for kami's sake, almost nothing we do is ethical.” the blonde hesitates, then closes his mouth. The rest of the men stare at me in horror. I shake my head. It’s not like they haven’t been threatened with castration before… right?
“Castration, hm? That’s… that’s not in the usual arsenal of threats.” I look at Itachi from the corner of my eye.
“You’ve never been threatened with castration?”
“Of course not. Do you know anyone else with the nerve to insult or threaten an Uchiha?” I snort.
“Anyone who’s not a pussy can insult an Uchiha. You’re not scary.” The ravenette studies me.
“Just how mentally unhealthy are you to insult anyone and everyone?” I choke on my spit.
“We don’t talk about Bruno.” Itachi just stares at me. I sigh. “It’s a Disney reference. Don’t worry about it.”
“Hn.”