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"I'm going to start dinner," Joo-Won called out to Dong-Sik when he heard the shower turn off. "Isn't it early?" Was shouted back. The stove knobs clicked satisfyingly as he turned on two burners. "The hike made me hungry, so I'm cooking. You can eat yours later if you want," Joo-Won said stubbornly. A laugh and "Aigoo" came from the bathroom as he started chopping vegetables. "Still acting like this is your house," Dong-Sik grumbled, toweling off his hair as he entered. Joo-Won raised an eyebrow at him over his shoulder. "Would you prefer I act like a guest and not cook for you?" He asked innocently. The hand in the towel froze for a moment, then Dong-Sik made a sweeping gesture and declared, "What's mine is yours, my prince."
"What can I do to help?" Dong-Sik asked, leaning a hip against the counter. The tapping of the knife paused while Joo-Won evaluated. "What can I trust you to not mess up?" He asked suspiciously. "Aish, you brat! I can stir. I can chop things," Dong-Sik defended himself in an offended voice. "Hmm, but can you do it the way I tell you to?" Joo-Won asked doubtfully. "You never follow instructions." Dong-Sik sighed obnoxiously loudly and crossed his arms petulantly. "You can clean up as I finish with things," Joo-Won offered. Grumbling under his breath about Joo-Won's hurtful lack of faith in him, Dong-Sik took the cutting board after he'd dumped the contents in the pot, and heated water in the sink.
The quiet settled over Joo-Won like a shroud he'd managed to fight off until then. Since the moment he'd woken that morning he'd been on the verge of a panic attack. Staying busy had held it at bay, first with a vigorous run, then working through case files, driving to Manyang while listening to criminal science podcasts, a hike with Dong-Sik, and now the terrible quiet that allowed his thoughts to sink back in while he was helpless to bat them away. Joo-Won nervously licked his lips as his mouth dried up, his heart rate already increasing, thudding in his ears. "Come on, don't do this now. Wait until you get home," he thought to himself. No one needed to know how often this happened to him, and Dong-Sik had enough of his own to deal with without Joo-Won's issues on top of it.
He began mindlessly peeling whatever he had in his hand while his thoughts scattered like they were in the wind. It was impossible to pin any one down as they darted here and there, never landing in one place for long. Nausea rose in Joo-Won's stomach as it churned from his nerves. The fact that he wasn't alone made his anxiety that much worse, an audience the worst thing he could think of when he felt this way. He didn't want Dong-Sik to look at him pityingly, but he also didn't want him to make a joke about it either. Joo-Won felt embarrassingly fragile in this state, and wanted to hide himself in the armor of his car until he didn't feel so raw.
Then it hit him with its full force, sweeping over him and crashing his heart into his ribs. There was no telling what had finally pushed it over the edge. All that mattered was that there was a hand around Joo-Won's throat, a heavy boot pressing, pressing against his sternum, and a fist plunged through his ribcage gripping his heart, pumping it far too fast - fast enough to make him dizzy. The knife slipped in his hand as he gasped for air, dropping the vegetable so he could tug at his collar. Out of the corner of Joo-Won's eye he was distantly aware of Dong-Sik turning around at the thud, but his focus was on the blood dripping from his sliced fingers.
He hadn't even felt the knife cut him he was so lost in panic. His hands turned over then turned back, staring at them wondering what someone else's hands were doing on his body. The fact that he couldn't feel his limbs made Joo-Won gasp in increased distress as his vision narrowed and the room darkened. "Joo-Won!" Dong-Sik lightly shook him by the shoulder, trying to meet his unfocused eyes. There wasn't pity or humor on Dong-Sik's face, only gentle concern while he seemed to decide what he should do to help. "Come here," Dong-Sik tugged him over to grab some paper towels and pressed them to his fingers, curling his own hand around them to hold it in place.
Suddenly Joo-Won wanted more contact, felt maybe that would be the thing to pull him out of it - though it didn't seem reasonable to assume since he had no basis for such an assumption. He'd never been held before. But it wasn't like he could ask for it. Even in his discombobulated state it was unthinkably embarrassing. "Come on, breathe. You're alright," Dong-Sik's voice was so calm and soothing Joo-Won wanted to believe him, but the problem was he knew it was alright. Nothing bad had happened. This just happened sometimes, and it was all the more shameful for not having a cause. Dong-Sik's hands smoothed down his arms then back up to squeeze his shoulders.
The hand around Joo-Won's throat eased up a little, but to his horror that allowed tears to bubble up and spill out. "Sorry, I'm sorry," he gasped out desperately, fisting a hand in Dong-Sik's sweater like a life preserver while he drowned. "Hush, don't be silly," Dong-Sik dismissed easily, looking down at Joo-Won's hand then his face before stepping closer and sliding a hand around the back of his neck, tearing a rough breath from him at the contact. Chills shook Joo-Won even as he burned up, and Dong-Sik's hand felt so good on his skin. His head leaned onto Dong-Sik's shoulder before he'd given it permission, but once it was there it was too heavy to lift.
Tremors shook Joo-Won's entire body, Dong-Sik's arm wrapping around his back in a comforting and stabilizing hold. Joo-Won shut his eyes and breathed in slowly and unsteadily and tried to count backwards like his therapist had taught him. "It's alright, you're alright," Dong-Sik said soothingly while rubbing circles on his back, relaxing his too-tight feeling skin. The breath that came from Joo-Won at the touch sounded more like a sob, making the back of his neck heat. "Breathe for me, Joo-Won ah," Dong-Sik spoke quietly and calmly, sounding entirely unfazed by what was happening. "Dong-Sik," Joo-Won choked out through the lump that rose in his throat at his acceptance.
It was so unlike his father who'd always shamed him, called him weak and dramatic and pathetic, and made him hide in his room out of sight when this happened in his youth. His hands shifted to clutch Dong-Sik's sides until they were almost holding each other - an intimacy that had occurred so naturally Joo-Won didn't notice until they'd stood there for a minute. "I'm sorry," he couldn't help but whisper again as another tremor wracked him. He was so weak. Why couldn't he hold it together just a few more hours? "Stop," Dong-Sik said firmly. "Why would you apologize for a panic attack? Did you decide to have one? Then don't be sorry, just focus on breathing."
Joo-Won slumped against his steady body with an exhale as the exhaustion that came at the end hit him. "There you go," Dong-Sik said softly, the hand on his neck rising a little to pet his hair. Now that he was more coherent Joo-Won flushed at the way they were wrapped up in each other like he'd thought about so many times. "Dinner can wait. You should sit down," Dong-Sik said in his ear. Reluctantly Joo-Won allowed them to unfold from each other to be led to the couch. Now that the contact had been broken and he was doing better there would be no excuse to initiate it again. "How often does that happen?" Dong-Sik asked as they settled.
Joo-Won shrugged vaguely and replied, "No more than I can manage." That got a flat look that clearly saw right through him, as Dong-Sik so often did. With a sigh of resignation, resting his head against the back of the couch he admitted, "More days than not. I'm working on it." Dong-Sik evaluated him silently for a minute before asking, "When you're alone do they usually pass that quickly?" Joo-Won's eyes darted away and he flinched a little at the memory of the one he'd had two nights before that had felt like it lasted hours; hours curled on his couch slowly suffocating. Apparently that was enough to answer the question because Dong-Sik made a hum of acknowledgement and squeezed his hand.
"You can call when it happens," Dong-Sik offered. Joo-Won shifted and threw him a look. "What, like you call on your bad days?" "I've dealt with mine for twenty years," Dong-Sik said dismissively. "So have I," Joo-Won said seriously. That got a furrowed brow and tightened grip on his hand. "You had them as a kid?" Joo-Won nodded, "Ever since my mom left. I've always dealt with them alone. I'll be fine." "Because you've always done it alone you always should?" Dong-Sik challenged. "Isn't that the reasoning you just used?" Joo-Won tossed back. "What, you want me to bug you with my problems? Calling you late when you already don't sleep enough so I can burden you?" Dong-Sik scoffed.
"Yes." That shut Dong-Sik up, his eyes widening for a brief moment before looking confused. Joo-Won met his gaze levelly, because yes, he wanted to be there for Dong-Sik, who shouldn't have to feel it all alone anymore. He wanted to do anything he could to ease some of the weight on his shoulders. "But it wouldn't be a burden because I care about you," Joo-Won added, getting another look of surprise. Dong-Sik nodded slowly. "I feel the same, so please don't suffer alone." With a swallow Joo-Won drew his thumb over Dong-Sik's knuckles as he waffled indecisively. "I'll think about it," was as much as he could concede. Thankfully Dong-Sik accepted that's what he could manage for the time and dropped it.
"How are you feeling now?" Dong-Sik asked, pressing alongside him closely enough to feel his body heat through his clothes. "Just tired," Joo-Won said, feeling the heaviness in his body as he spoke. It always felt like his limbs were made of lead after panic attacks. "How about I order food so you don't have to do anything?" Dong-Sik offered. Instead of answering Joo-Won stared at him baffled, trying to understand by gazing at him, but getting nowhere. At a questioning look he asked, "Why are you being so good to me? I didn't even have a reason for that. I'm just weak." He ignored the objecting look and opening mouth to push on, "You could have left me to deal with it alone. I wouldn't have blamed you."
"Why, because that's what your father did?" That snapped Joo-Won's mouth shut and stung his eyes with the truth in it. "This might come as a shock, but there are better people in the world than your father," Dong-Sik said dryly. Then, angling himself to look Joo-Won in the face, he spoke clearly, like he wanted his words to be heard, "And you are worth caring about more than your father ever did." Suddenly feeling like the panic was returning, and everything in him objecting instinctively, Joo-Won shook his head, "No, no I'm-" "Then I guess I'm even more of a nut job because I think you're worth caring about," Dong-Sik said stubbornly.
How could he just say something like that out loud without any shame? The room grew blurry, then a blink freed tears from his eyes. It was hard to breathe when he felt that if he took a deep breath it would turn into a sob. Even though he knew arguing wouldn't do any good considering Dong-Sik's stubbornness, Joo-Won continued to object automatically, "I'm not someone people care about. You shouldn't- don't waste... How can you say that?" His expression as soft as the moment he was arrested, Dong-Sik brushed a knuckle down his cheek to wipe a tear away, almost stopping Joo-Won's heart. "You should know better than to argue with me once I've made up my mind," he said with a small smile.
Joo-Won felt like a lost child in need of an adult to explain things to him. Somehow his being cared about was the thing to shut down his brain. He wanted to get in his car and leave; he wanted to cry; he wanted to crawl onto Dong-Sik's lap and hold him as tightly as he could. Hopefully the man didn't notice the burning of his ears as that came to mind. His heart stuttered as Dong-Sik took his face in both hands to wipe his cheeks off and thumb along his jaw where wetness had gathered. Even after he'd finished he continued to hold him there, searching his face with an expression too tender to look at for long. A small sound escaped Joo-Won when Dong-Sik leaned in and brushed a soft kiss to his cheek.
He could feel how wide his own eyes were even as his hand reached out of its own accord to grab Dong-Sik's shoulder and stop him from retreating too far. That distracting cupid's bow drew his eyes, his heart racing again at the thought of touching it. But Dong-Sik pulled back with a reluctant half smile. "Not when you've just had a panic attack. Much as I want to," he said firmly. "Next time." Joo-Won searched his face for any deception, but Dong-Sik looked just as longing as he felt. "Oh!" He exclaimed as he realized Dong-Sik had been feeling the same things he had. "Are you really that surprised with how I've been flirting with you?" Dong-Sik asked in amusement.
"I thought you were messing with me," Joo-Won admitted. Dong-Sik's face dropped at that, pursing his lips in consternation. "Maybe I should spell things out more clearly," Dong-Sik mused. Ignoring Joo-Won's squawk of horror he told him, "I like you enough to want you to call me in the middle of the night if you need someone. And I like you enough to try to sometimes call you myself since you asked me to. I care about you enough to wait to kiss you even though I've been dying to because I'm not going to take advantage of you being vulnerable. Want to pick a movie?" The sudden shift threw Joo-Won off, opening and closing his mouth noiselessly before numbly nodding and turning to scroll through options while Dong-Sik ordered food.
The remote shook in his hand as he tried to process everything that had happened. He was cared about. He was wanted. He wasn't judged. Three impossible things in one day. A warm hand enclosed his, Dong-Sik looking at him to ask if he was alright. Joo-Won had no answer. After chewing his lip nervously he turned and tugged Dong-Sik into a clumsy hug, which was swiftly returned. "You're the best person I've ever known," Joo-Won whispered. "Aish, you're going to make me blush," Dong-Sik joked bashfully. As they separated Joo-Won mused out loud, "I think I like hugs. That's unexpected. They never looked appealing." Dong-Sik blinked at him looking appalled. "You've never been hugged?" "Who would have hugged me?" Joo-Won asked the obvious, shrugging like it wasn't a big deal.
An hour later their takeout containers were on the coffee table, Joo-Won with strict instructions to not clean up until after the movie. Exhausted by a day of anxiety, Joo-Won struggled to keep his eyes open, his chin dipping to his chest periodically. "Stop being so stubborn and rest," Dong-Sik scolded after Joo-Won had shaken himself awake again. Placing a pillow on his lap, he tugged Joo-Won to lie down. It was nice in a very new way, his head on Dong-Sik's lap, a hand now brushing through his hair. He could definitely stand to do this more often. "You better keep your promise to kiss me," Joo-Won rumbled before he drifted off. The pillow shook from Dong-Sik's warm laugh. "All you want," he promised.