Chapter Text
R
It was early, maybe 6 in the morning. The sun was just beginning to peek over the rooftops in our neighborhood. I sighed heavily and rolled onto my side. The bed was warm and cozy, and for once, I felt at ease- I could actually relax. No zoo, no MRMT, no king cobra, Zoe, flashsnaps, masks. Nothing. But my eyes. Oh my eyes, how they burned. I sighed again, remembering how much I cried last night. I suddenly felt heavy. That was not a dream. And I just went through all of it. My mind started racing and before I knew it, I was crying and I let out a loud sob.
"Hey, hey! It's okay, I'm still here. You're okay," Brandon whispered to me as he pulled me in close. I didn't expect him to stay the night but at this point I'm glad he did.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. It's still early."
"I know. And yes it is. Try going back to sleep. You need it," he told me as I buried my face into his shoulder. Brandon turned his face towards mine and kissed my forehead before closing his eyes to attempt to fall back asleep. I watched his chest rise and fall a few times while trying to calm my own breathing.
Something about this was comforting. Totally unexpected but comforting. Maybe it was the rush of emotions and all of the adrenaline coursing through my body that caused my eyes to well up with tears once again. A couple of them slid down my cheek and onto Brandon's shoulder.
He opened his eyes and we caught each other's gaze. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently.
"I don't know," I took a deep breath in another attempt to calm myself, "I've just been through a lot over the past year or so. It's a lot to process."
"And no one is going to be mad or blame you for taking your time to do that, Rowan."
Brandon held me tighter and I snuggled in as close as I possibly could. He made me feel so safe in that moment, and though I was grieving, it was a moment I think I'll never forget. He raised his hand from under the blanket and rested it on my cheek the way my mom would. But coming from him, it was more than just a comforting gesture. Something about his intent whenever he did it made me melt. It felt more intimate. It felt real. "You remember what I told you last night, right?" He asked as he pressed his forehead against mine. The l-word. He told me he loved me.
I nodded gently. "Are you sure?" I needed reassurance. At this point, I felt so low and broken that I figured no one in their right mind would want to wait around for me to stop being such a head-case.
"Only if you try to stop beating yourself up. No one deserves to feel that badly. You...You deserve the world, Rowan Fricks." He tilted his chin toward mine and our lips met. Kissing Brandon was different too. With Jake, there was an underlying lust and mystery. I would always feel like we were on the brink of getting caught. But with Brandon, there was an ease, a sense of safety and a gentleness. This was love. Our bodies intertwined and I slid my arms around his neck. He held me closer and I somehow managed to slither on top of him so our chests were pressed onto one another. I quickly sat up and slid my t-shirt over my head, before leaning back into him and kissing his neck.
"Rowan wait," Brandon lightly gestured for me to stop. I sat up and took a deep breath, realizing that my emotions may have been taking over a bit too quickly. He held my hips as his gaze followed me up and down, before biting the corner of his lip. "God, look at you."
No one had looked at me like that before. I felt my cheeks blush. Brandon shook his head back to reality. "Don't get me wrong, I really, really want to do this with you, but not in some crazy heat of the moment, okay? Shit like that never ends up working out. Like I said, you deserve the world so that doesn't begin with a wild hook up."
"Brandon Darrow, playing hard to get?" I teased as
I laid back down in his arms. I understood what he meant. And he was right. I appreciated that.
Brandon chuckled softly, "get some more rest Rowan. You can continue lusting after me later."
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"Hey! Yo! You two better get up!"
I covered my head with the blanket. It was probably around 11 at this point. The sun was pouring in between the slats of the blinds covering my window.
"Did you hear me? Mom and dad will be home soon." Trevor's voice echoed through the four walls of my room. I felt Brandon sit up in the bed.
"Okay I'm up, I'm up," he said groggily.
"You can stay. Just.. not in there," Trevors eyes widened when he realized we were both shirtless and he motioned toward the bed, "... with her."
Brandon and I looked at each other and back at Trevor. We stumbled over our words, in a poor attempt to explain, "we didn't.." "it's not like.." "nothing happened."
"Not my business. Just put your clothes back on." Trevor said with a slight tone of disgust in his voice. I couldn't understand why.
Brandon slid out of bed and rustled around on the floor for his clothing. I was still exhausted from the previous 24 hours so I opted to watch him. I'd get out of bed eventually. "I think I'm going to take. A quick shower before your parents get home. Do you need anything?" He asked as he scooped his clothes up into his arms. I smiled at him and shook my head. He was being so good to me. "Okay. I'll let you know when I'm done if you needed to take one too."
He leaned across the bed and gave me another kiss before leaving the room. I felt a bit better than I did earlier this morning. Rest did me well. I sank back into the bed and stared up at the ceiling getting lost in thought and the stillness of my room.
"You're smitten."
I snapped out of it and back to reality. Trevor was lingering in my doorway. I must have been so lost in thought that I didn't hear the door open. "What?"
He laughed at me "you've been smiling at the ceiling for a few minutes." How embarrassing. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. "Brandon went home. Something about his dad. He said he'll text you later. I'm going out for a bit too." I nodded and watched Trevor retreat back down the hallway.
When I finally mustered up enough will to get out of bed, Elisha shot me a text.
Tessa and Jai are coming for lunch. Join us?
I replied.
Yes. Just have to shower.
A hot shower sounded great. Like really, really hot. Steaming hot. I hopped out of bed and headed to the bathroom. The bathroom floor was a little clammy and the mirror was slightly foggy from previous use. Someone didn't turn the fan on. I reached into the bath and ran the shower head as hot as I could bear it. The steam began to fill the room. I slipped into the heat and just stood there letting the water fall over me. As I looked down at my feet and the water falling into the drain, I wondered how much I cried this morning. What if I cried so much, my tears filled the tub and fell down the drain like those running past my toes? But then something funny happened. A drought. Nothing came out. For the first time in 24hours I couldn't cry my body wouldn't let me grieve right then and there and that was okay. I closed my eyes once more, enjoying the heat of the water on my back. I heard my phone ping and I realized I had to hustle a little. The girls were waiting for me. I quickly washed my hair and lathered up my body. It felt better to be clean. It was like washing away the day. I threw on some clothes, quick mascara application and as soon as I had my bag in hand, I headed out the door.
Trevor was at the end of the driveway heading back toward the house. He looked tired, bothered by something. I asked him if he wanted to hang out later. Pizza, maybe movie night. His response wasn't all there when he told me he was going to be sleeping. "All day and all night?" I asked.
He scoffed and slinked past me toward the house. At first I thought to let him go. Maybe he needed to rest? After all, he has been there for the past 24 hours too. I made it to the end of the driveway and turned back. Something wasn't right and I found him in the bathroom, attempting to pour the spilled medication back into the containers.
"Are you okay? Are you okay?!" I had never seen him like this. I've seen him emotional and drunk, sure, but never distraught. He collapsed in my arms and he fell apart.
"I don't know. I don't think anyones asked me that before? I'm not okay, I just- I'm scared and I'm angry and I'm alone and I just don't... everyone has their shit together but me. Look I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He buried himself into me and as I looked down at him, falling into my lap, I caught a glance at my necklace. Nikki and Dunbar. I didn't hesitate, "I don't know what to say but I'm not leaving I'm listening."
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Trevor and I had curled up on the couch watching a movie when our parents returned that afternoon. My mother was glowing. Trevor's dad was beaming. They were so happy even though they were returning a day earlier than planned. They nearly bum-rushed us with greetings and my mom kissed the top of my head.
"What happened to him?" Trevor's dad asked, motioning over to Trevor who had been passed out for an hour or so.
"Late night. Kid napping. Trek through the woods. Protecting his sister and friends from some crazy psychopath vampire-looking girl from her demise. The usual."
"I get it. Sorry. You guys have been through a lot while we were gone."
Mom chimes in, "I'm sorry we couldn't be here while this was going on. However, Im glad you two are safe now. Next time something like this happens, you need to tell us."
It was nice having them home. It wasn't too often that we had been able to gather as a family. Trevor's dad called us to the table. It looked like they grabbed take out on the ride home. I slowly rocked Trevor awake. "Mom and dad are home. Let's eat." I watched him as he slunked his way to the dining room table. He still wasn't feeling like himself. I just wished he would be able tell me what was wrong.
While we were eating, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. It was Brandon.
You busy?
I quickly answered under the table.
-Just finishing up dinner.
The next message I received was joined by a picture of an orange and pink sun kissing the rooftops. He must've been sitting on the roof over his room.
I replied and shoved my last bite in my mouth.
-Be there soon.
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I held a quick pace as I made my way over to Brandon's. Not only did I want to catch the sunset but I part of me was excited to see him again. We could actually enjoy each other's company without worrying that someone was eavesdropping or watching us from nearby. As I headed up the walkway toward the house, I paused to shoot Trevor a text.
-I'm at Brandon's. I'll be home later. Will you be okay?
He responded rather quickly.
I'll be okay. Going out too. Thanks for earlier.
As I rounded the side of the house I could see the red ladder propped up against the gutters.
"I didn't think you'd make it on time." Brandon motioned to climb up quickly. I took my spot next to him on the corner of the roof. He nudged me playfully, "Nice, right?"
The sky was beautiful. I took out my phone to snap a quick picture. The colors streamed across the evening sky were warmer and bit darker than what he sent me a little earlier. #NMsunset #hillandhs #rooftoplove I added to the caption and posted. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Brandon's gaze. "What?" I asked as I slid my phone into my pocket.
"Nothing," his lip curled up into a little smirk at the corner of his mouth again, "just taking in the moment I guess." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I sank into him a bit. "I dont want this to end."
His voice seemed off, as if he were disappointed. "Why do you sound like you expect it to?"
He sighed heavily into the thick, cooler evening air. He turned his face toward me, "Rowan, I have to leave on Monday for school so I can start next week. My dad told me this afternoon."
And to think I was out of tears. Jokes on me I guess. "Wait, really?" I felt my eyes begin to tears. Brandon made me feel safe. He actually protected me. But just like that, he could be gone? I couldn't wrap my head around it. This news was too soon.
He nodded, closing his eyes momentarily to keep himself from getting upset too. "It'll be alright. The school year is almost over. We have 3 more months until summer and I'll be back. I can call you every day. You'll have the end of the school year crap, finals, the dance. It'll fly by and before you know it I'll be home."
"I know, I'll just..." it wasn't like me to sputter over my words. What was happening? Maybe Trevor was right, I am smitten, "I'll miss you, you idiot."
"I'll miss you too," he tightened his embrace and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Let's go in? It's cooling down faster than I thought. Can you stay to watch a movie?"
I agreed and I followed him down the ladder. Brandon moved it to the side of the house before taking my hand and heading toward the back door. I crept inside quietly and peeked into the living room. "He isn't home. He's working a double over night to make up for taking off on Monday since... you know."
I breathed a sigh of relief and put my purse down on the table. "Are you hungry?" He asked as he grabbed some food out of the fridge.
"Just a little.. thirsty?"
Brandon whipped around toward me and before I knew it, he had his hand around my waist. He pulled my torso closer into his, turning on the charm, "for?"
I let out a small laugh. I guess I walked into that one. I raised up onto my tiptoes and in the most seductive voice I could possibly whisper into his ear, I answered "water?"
He furrowed his eyebrows. It's like that smirk hadn't left his face since we came down from the roof. He stole a quick kiss and filled up a glass for me.
"Come on," he took my hand again and lead me to his room. I hadn't been in here since we were doing our "project" together. He sat down on his bed and kicked off his shoes. Following suit, I laid down next to him afterwards. He had so many nick nacks around on his shelves. Photos and memorabilia, a shot glass or two, athletic awards and the infamous baseball and glove. I didn't seem to notice as well as I did last time. Its probably because I didn't care as much for him as a person during that visit. Now I just wanted to take it all in before I couldn't anymore. He had turned on the tv and was flipping through the movie options.
"Are you feeling any better?" He asked. I must've contorted my face a bit and he realized the answer was probably no, "Sorry. Dumb question. I won't bring any of it up if you don't want me to."
"It's okay," I kept my reply light, "I know I can't control that you're leaving. But I can control the ability to forgive myself. So it's a start."
The sound of whatever he decided to put on filled the room. Brandon leaned over and switched off the light. I sank into his arms and tried paying attention to the movie.
"Rowan?"
"Hm?" I peered up at him, keeping my head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry. For everything. I hope you know that. I still feel like a fucking asshole for what I did to you. And now that I have to leave even though I told you I'd be here for you, I feel like an even bigger asshole."
I grabbed his hand and intertwined my fingers with his. "I know. If I didn't already forgive you, do you really think I'd be laying here with you right now?"
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B
Don't fuck this up.
Everything had been a whirlwind of chaos over the past week. But right now, the world is quiet. Time stands still. It's just you and her, wrapped up in each other for the moment. She just told you she forgives you. The girl that you told that she deserves the world is right here, right now with you. Of all people. And she forgives you. The problem is that you know you don't deserve her.
Intrusive thoughts can be such a bitch.
She loves you. She told you the other night. Right after you said it to her.
Say it again. Don't fuck this up.
But what if it backfires? What if she falls apart after you leave? What if she can't forgive herself for giving into a moment. What if she ends up beating herself up for believing your words and you end up being not what she expected? What if she doesn't actually love you? And you won't be able to be there to fix it. Quite possible.
But what if she does?
What if she she hangs onto every word we share, and she waits for you to get home? What if it leads to a summer, with all that romantic shit that happens in the movies and it becomes the best summer of her life. What if we're all able to move on with our lives and just be happy? God, she's so pretty when shes happy. Her smile. She lights up the room. And when she laughs? Infectious. We could have an entire summer of that and I'd get to see that smile every day. I could make her laugh until it hurts our stomachs and then we'd laugh about it some more. Why jeopardize that chance because I'm too much of a pussy.
Just fucking tell her.
"Did I say something wrong?" Her hazel green eyes glistened up at me in the light from the tv.
"No, you could never say something wrong," I tucked my index finger under her chin, lifting her up towards me. Our eyes quickly met and once I received approval, our lips met too. I pulled away slightly, hovering above hers. "I feel badly, I wish I had this thought out more. I would've if I knew that I had more time to be with you."
"Brandon, it's okay," she brought her hands up to my face and held my cheeks. She was waiting for me to say it. Her gaze told me she wanted me to tell her again, but then she sputtered. "I.."
And I cut her off "I love you."
There it was. The smile that filled the room. She beamed brighter than I could have imagined. There was an innocence in her smile that made me feel like nothing was wrong. Like she was mine and belonged to no one else in the world because I was the one who was able to be the one to make her smile like that. She finished her sentence, "I love you too."
Our lips met again, but this time I didn't hold back.
Don't fuck this up.
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R
Giving into emotion like this was usually hard for me, especially lately. I feel like I've been wound so tightly that I literally cannot relax. But the second Brandon wrapped his arm around my waist, I crumbled into a billion little pieces. Nothing going on around us could take over that moment. He pulled me over so I was on top of him and our torsos pressed into one another. His hands made their way under my shirt and as his fingers glided across my back, chills went up and down my spine. We found ourselves in a similar position as this morning and I sat up to take off my top. I tugged at the hem of his shirt and raised it over his head. Brandon embraced me again and our lips crashed into one another. He started kissing my shoulder and my neck.
Talk about making a girl weak. I closed my eyes, letting the moment take over me. He was so gentle, yet passionate at the same time. I slid my fingers in his hair and brought his lips back to mine. I kissed him harder and I wanted to know I was his. Our lips separated and he kissed my neck a few more times before whispering in my ear, "I want to make love to you Rowan Fricks." I bit my lip and peered up at him. I shook my head and I kissed him back again. A stifled "yes," slid out between kisses. I laid on my back and I pulled him down over me so his body hovered over mine. We slipped out of our jeans and they made their way somewhere on the floor.
His warm skin crashed into mine and we sank into the bed together, our bodies rolling like a wave. Kisses trailed everywhere, up here and then down there, across my chest and down near my waist. His lips were enticing and they grazed over the edge of my underwear. It wasn't long until they were tossed amongst the rest of the clothes on the floor. He looked at me in adoration and laced his fingers with mine. His body oscillated into me, and in that moment I was able to let go of everything. I wanted nothing other than what could've been coming next. Brandon had me yearning for more of his touch, sending me into euphoria.
He was so nervous that this wasn't the ideal first night together but to me, it was.