Work Text:
“Okay so before we set off, do we have everything? Cameras? Measurement finders? Infra-red laser sensor? Okay, lets …”
“…Dave, why do you have a small person attached to your hand?”
“…So why isn’t your daughter at pre-school?”
“…So just because an idiot parent ‘doesn’t believe that head lice are real’, you have to take care of your child? Jesus, that is stupid. No, not you, the idiot parent.”
“I guess she can come if you make sure to keep control of her. Maybe she can help reinforce the cover story.”
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“Admission tickets for Five adult and one child please.”
“HOW MUCH?!?!”
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“We have been given our target and it looks like it is in the Dinosaurs Alive! hall which is …. here. And of course it is in the exact middle of the building. Great.”
“Dave, I want you to focus on entry points into the hall – how many ways in and the best exit route once we have it. Jo and Joe, eyes on the security. See how many measures you can identify, maybe see if you can spot a patrol pattern. Stasi, you…where is Stasi?”
“… why didn’t they go to the bathroom before we left?”
“If anyone else thinks that they may need to go to the bathroom before we carry on, go now.”
“…Yes Amelia, you are a big girl who can go on your own, but maybe let your dad show you where they are.”
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“So we go through the Natural Wonders gallery, past the Insects of the World and then turn left when we hit the Early Man display to get to the Dinosaur hall.”
“No, we can’t see the Medieval History room. It’s on the other side of the museum!”
“We are here to do a job, not look around! What’s so great about that room anyway?”
“…A display of early torture devices? Really?”
“…Maybe if we have time.”
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“Okay so the halls look wide enough to take a lev-cart down but…Joe?”
“...You’re right, that is a very big fish hanging from the ceiling.”
“…Sorry, mammal. A very big mammal. Can we please keep going now?”
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“They’re dead Jo. They won’t suddenly come alive and attack you!”
“…Well yes, theoretically I could make them come alive and attack you. But I wouldn’t.”
“I agree, Amelia, that would be a cool pet to have. But if it bit you, you would die. Instantly.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake Jo. If you cover your eyes, we can lead you past the scary, scary bugs. Is that okay?”
……………….
“Okay, so this is the target. Everyone know their assignments?”
“You don’t have an assignment, Amelia.”
“Fine, your assignment is to find the smallest dinosaur in this room. Okay?”
“Great. Now, Stasi ….where the hell have they gone now?!?”
“…So you saw them go into the insect room with us, but did they leave it with us…?”
“…You guys keep working, I’ll back-track and look for them.”
………….
“…Where are we at? Do we have …. Amelia, where is everyone?”
“No no no! Don’t cry! We’ll find them! Hold Stasi’s hand and….”
“…Stasi? ….Stasi?”
“…They were just here…”
“Okay, hold my hand Amelia and let’s go find the others. Yes, that is the smallest dinosaur. Well done.”
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“How did you get lost!? There are maps on virtually every wall!”
…………...
“I said ‘Maybe’. Maybe we could see the Medieval History room. ‘Maybe’ is not ‘yes’!”
……………
“….I don’t care if it’s pretty. If you steal it now, they will increase security and we won’t be able to get what we came here for!”
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“…I swear to God, Stasi, I am going to put a tracking chip on you.”
……………….
“So we are all here? Great. Dave, here is your child who you abandoned to go look at shiny rocks. I hope you are saving up to pay for future therapy.”
“Is everyone sure that we have done the level of recon we need? Great. Let’s go”
“…You’re kidding. After everything we have gone through, you are still going to hold me to that!?”
“Fine. We stop by the Gift Shop on the way out. But if anyone else wanders off or gets lost on the way, they don’t get anything! I’m looking at you, Stasi!”
…………………
“I know I said one thing, but I am not getting you a life-sized dolphin plushie!”
“I am setting a price limit – one thing under $10 each.”
“…What do you mean there is nothing under $10 here. Surely there must be…”
“…Price limit is now $25.”
“…Yes Joe, I know that it is over $25, but Amelia is the only one who didn’t get distracted and wander off today. Her limit is higher. I trust her more.”
“No Joe, I don’t care if it is still under the limit. You get one item, not two.”
“…Keep arguing Joe and you won’t get anything. And I will tell Morgan how you have been behaving…”
………………………
“So we’ve done the recon we needed, we have a plan and have visited the Gift Shop. Let's get back to the base.”
“No, I will not stop for ice-cream on the way! Just …get in the damn van.”
"...."
“….Where is Stasi?”
The End. After they got ice-cream. Then it was the end.