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"You don't think Leonard's mom was right, do you?" Howard asked hesitantly. "I mean, I know we're both virile, straight men, but..."
"But?" Raj stopped playing his video game and set down the controller, giving Howard a questioning look.
"But think about it! It's Saturday night, and what have we done?"
"The same thing we do every Saturday night, dude. You buy me dinner, and we come back to my place to play video games," Raj said patiently.
"Exactly!" Howard pinwheeled his hands helplessly in the face of a realization that had been creeping up on him ever since Mrs. Hofstadter had inquired about whether they had acknowledged their latent homosexual feelings for one another yet. "The only difference between this and a real date is that you don't put out at the end of the night."
Raj seemed to consider this for a moment. "Well, you never asked me to," he said at last, his tone matter-of-fact, and Howard boggled at him for a good thirty seconds before recovering enough to speak.
"What?"
"I said you never asked me to put out." Raj reached for the carton of cold sesame chicken and rooted around in it with his chopsticks.
"I know what you said," Howard replied, shock turning to exasperation. "I just don't know what you meant by it. Would you put out?" To his own amazement, the idea wasn't horrifying.
"Dude, I don't know." Raj shrugged and ate a couple of bites of chicken. "All I know is that it does seem like we've been dating all this time, although I'm obviously quite open-minded to put up with you seeing other women," he added almost primly.
"Yeah, well..." Howard raked his fingers through his hair and tried to decide how he felt about all this. He'd always been so confident in his heterosexuality, but then again, he did spend more time with Raj than with anyone else. They shared a lot of the same interests, they liked a lot of the same food, and Raj was pretty good-looking; Howard had certainly dated women who were far more unattractive than Raj. To be honest, if it wasn't for that whole having a penis thing, he probably would have hit on Raj years ago. He glanced sidelong at Raj, wondering what it would be like to make out with another man. With Raj.
Raj put the chicken and chopsticks aside, rolling his eyes. "If you're going to kiss me, then just do it."
"Okay, okay!" Howard huffed with annoyance. "Don't rush me."
"If you don't want to..." Raj looked on the verge of pouting at that, and Howard hastened to placate him.
"No, I do," he said soothingly. "It's just... I've never kissed another guy before."
"Really?" Raj regarded him with surprise mingled with disbelief. "Never? Not even when you were drunk?"
"Nope."
"What about that cross-dresser who-?"
"Okay, one time, but I thought he was a girl, so it doesn't count!"
"Whatever, dude."
"Well, I think I'm out of the mood now." Howard folded his arms across his chest and stared at the screen, where Raj's Orc hunter was loitering outside a tavern, but he had barely begun to work up a good head of indignation before Raj captured his face between both hands and hauled him into a kiss.
Raj's lips were warm and firm, and for someone who had to be drunk just to talk to a girl, he had amazingly good technique; he slipped his tongue between Howard's lips and explored Howard's mouth with a leisurely thoroughness that made Howard go weak and shaky all over, and he found himself wrapping his arms around Raj and holding on tight. He'd had never felt his whole body turn into one massive, aroused nerve ending from a single kiss before, and he was chagrined to realize he'd started moaning. When they parted at last, Howard was panting, and Raj looked quite pleased with himself.
"So, uh..." Howard trailed off, not sure what he wanted to say at first.
"No, I will not put out tonight," Raj said in a firm voice that brooked no argument. "It may seem as if we have been dating for years, but I consider this our first official date. No sex until the third date."
"Can I feel you up on the second date?" Howard asked hopefully.
"Outside the underpants only."
"Deal."
Raj paused, and then he added, "And don't expect a dowry from my parents if this gets serious. They want Indian grandchildren, and you can't give them either one."
"We could always adopt," Howard said, scarcely able to believe the words had come out of his mouth.
"True." Raj inclined his head to acknowledge the point. "But it's a little soon to be discussing children when you haven't even proposed yet."
"I don't suppose a Jewish-Hindu ceremony would make your parents and my mother happy."
"I doubt it."
"You're right," Howard agreed. "You can't give my mother Jewish grandchildren either, although she would forgive a lot as long as we serve brisket at the reception."
Raj nodded and picked up the controller again, sending his Orc off to hunt worgs in the woods, and Howard watched in silence, scarcely able to believe they'd just had that conversation.
"I want a nice ring," Raj said, out of nowhere. "And you'll have to break it off with whatshername." He gave Howard a stern look. "If we're going to make this official, I expect monogamy."
"Sure, of course." Howard nodded agreeably, surprised to find that the idea of not chasing women any longer didn't bother him. It would be a relief not to feel as if he was constantly trying to prove something to himself and everyone else, and settling down with one person - with Raj - was far more appealing than he imagined it would be. Nothing would change, not really; he would continue doing the things he enjoyed doing with the person he enjoyed doing them with the most, and it would be that way for the rest of their lives.
Wasn't that what a good relationship - what love - was all about, anyway? He glanced over at Raj, who was absorbed in fighting a mob of zombies, and smiled to himself, feeling far more peaceful and content than he had in years. He made a mental note to thank Mrs. Hofstadter the next time she came to visit Leonard; no doubt she'd be pleased to know she'd been right about them all along.