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Kate returned to her place in a daze. She isn’t even sure how she got there. Or when. Or how long she has been crying on the floor. She barely made it inside before she finally allowed herself to cry. To break down really. She slumped to the floor, and rested her back against the closed front door and let herself fall apart.
So much happened in so little time. The fight with Lucy led to Kate learning that Lucy was involved in a dangerous undercover op that had her fighting for her life. So much could have gone a lot worse. She was relieved Lucy was safe. It was in those moments when she feared she wasn’t that she really let herself think about what Lucy meant to her. She allowed herself to admit how much she cared.
Her relief about Lucy being safe quickly turned to heartbreak when Lucy ended whatever it was they had going. That was the worst thing of all. She couldn't even call it a breakup because she had never actually allowed them to get that far. The irony is, when she learned that Lucy was safe, the first thing she wanted to do was hug her and prove to herself that Lucy was unharmed. That she was there. And real. And could maybe be hers. The second thing she wanted to do was fix things with Lucy. Explain things. Tell her what she had been scared to tell her.
And now, she may never get the chance. Her whole body shook as she sobbed in anguish. She hadn’t felt this grief stricken since Noah. She never felt this way about a girl at all. She never let anyone get close enough to make her feel so out of control. She didn’t like the unsteady feeling she felt around Lucy at first. She didn’t trust it. She hated that they weren’t quantifiable in the way that everything else in her life made sense. Things were always neatly labeled. Things were not messy. Things were within her control and well within her knowledge of expertise. But unfortunately for her, Lucy was none of those things. And she hated that. Until, one day she didn’t.
She didn’t know when it happened or even how. Kate had never been one to have anything serious. She wouldn’t allow anyone or anything to jeopardize her plans for her five year plan. She never liked distractions or complications. She liked things casual and easy. Easy to walk away from. Easy to keep at a distance. Easy to have fun with when she needed to blow off steam. Just…easy. That’s why she gave a fake name every time she had a one night stand with some not quite random person at a bar she frequented. And maybe it was excessive, to have done background checks on the regulars so that she felt safe enough to pursue even the basest of human necessities. It was all so very This , the way she preferred it.
That’s what Cara had been. They were always on the same page. Nothing serious. Nothing real. Just not quite friends who found each other very beneficial at times. Cara was never her girlfriend. And maybe she should have explained that to Lucy. But Lucy barely heard her out as it was, she doubted that Lucy would take kindly to Kate’s sordid past. Especially, when Lucy would have assumed that worse than being a “side piece,” she would have assumed she was just another “fuck buddy.” As she knew people tended to crassly, yet accurately, call it.
She wanted to spare Lucy from ever thinking that Kate saw her that way. Because, in all honesty (which was admittedly, what Lucy had always deserved), Lucy had always been more. From the start. Not that Kate realized it at the time, or would have admitted it to herself.
Even with Lucy stating that it couldn’t happen again after the second time (fifth if they were going by orgasms), Kate knew she wanted it to. And Kate didn’t typically have repeat encounters. Except for Cara, and that was mostly due to habit and boredom. For both of them. Or so she thought. It was on her side, anyway. And maybe that's where the problem always lay. With her lack of communication. Her lack of being able to act like a proper human at all when it came to interpersonal relationships.
She thought back to Lucy’s words. How she no longer saw Kate as someone to take a chance on. All Kate heard was that she wasn’t worth it. That she had finally put her heart out there and failed miserably. Kate hated failing at anything, but this, this, was the worst time to not be good at something.
Kate crawled the rest of the way onto the ground and curled herself up in the fetal position. She cried until there were no tears left. Sobbed until her throat was hoarse. She let herself feel until she was positive she would never be able to feel anything else ever again.
She hadn’t lied when she told Lucy that she hadn’t planned for her. Hadn’t expected her. She let herself replay every interaction they had. Every moment of pleasure and pain.
Lucy was everything Kate wasn’t. She was bubbly and carefree. She was adorable and impulsive to the point of recklessness sometimes. But like Kate, she seemed goal oriented. She was intelligent and strong. Fiercely loyal. Things that Kate respected. Sure, Lucy was gorgeous, but it was her mind that Kate fell for first. Working together to solve cases. Watching Lucy put clues together. Participating in that give and take with her as they bounced ideas off each other late in the office one night, when everyone else had left.
Kate remembered feeling amped up on adrenaline, from the high of having a conversation with an equal. She remembered the way Lucy’s face lit up when she spoke. The smile. The smell of her perfume. That one extra button that remained undone in a way that seemed to Kate not to be entirely professional. Lucy had seemed up for anything. The perfect casual hook-up. A one-time thing that would fuel Kate’s fantasies on the days she was alone in her own bed. On the nights she needed a release and only had her own hand.
And it worked. That night had been perfect as it spilled over into the morning. Lucy had been carefree during their next meeting. She thought they were both game for the one (two) time thing and maybe also have a little fun, flirty banter to make the workday go by faster. She forgot the recklessness in Lucy. The desire to push past boundaries and push the envelope. A rebel with only one cause: to make Kate desire just one more time. Or just more period.
She thought it would satiate her. And Kate had never been more wrong in her entire life about anything. The more time she spent with Lucy, even out of the bedroom, the more time she found she enjoyed it. For all the same reasons she was drawn to her to begin with. She was kind, thoughtful and funny. She made Kate loosen up a bit, even though Kate found herself fighting against it every step of the way. Kate realized that fighting Lucy on things was part of the charm of them. It was just who they were. She enjoyed the banter. She liked the way she could so easily get Lucy riled up. The angry little spitfire was great at giving as much as she took. And the fact that it also made things far more entertaining and enjoyable in the bedroom (or kitchen, or that one time on her desk) was just a bonus. At least, that’s what she kept telling herself.
She almost believed it too. Except, she also thoroughly enjoyed the times when they weren’t at odds. The domesticity of it. Sitting in silence reading the paper together. Or reading separate books, with Lucy’s legs over her lap and a warm sense of contentment settling in her heart. She liked when their banter wasn’t adversarial and instead, it was simply playful. She grew to love it all. Love . That had been the word she was hiding from. Running from really. Because everything with Lucy, even when it was hard, was somehow still easy. So she began to let herself think about what else they could have that would still neatly fit within her perfectly constructed life. She thought about actual dates. About holding hands in public. Kate thought about the possibility of making them official. Of actually admitting to herself for the first time, that she had come to need someone as much as she wanted them. Not ‘need’ in the usual sense of the word like she wasn’t a whole person without them. She didn’t need Lucy to be happy. But she wanted Lucy in her life to share those happy moments with. However few there were. What she needed was someone who was as all in as she was. What she needed was to be able to trust someone with her heart, since she was ready to give it away for the first time. What she needed was someone willing to hold her through the sad times—through the hard times. She both needed and wanted that person to be Lucy. And she realized that just a little too late.
The realization came after they had their first real date out in public. When she told Lucy she was ready to go to a real restaurant. It was her way of admitting to Lucy that she was ready. That she wanted this as much as she hoped Lucy seemed to. And that night had been perfect. From the date. To the night afterwards. She spent the whole night celebrating Lucy. Using her fingers and mouth to show Lucy what she didn’t yet have the words to tell her.
The next morning started just as beautifully. Sitting on the porch drinking coffee together. Just being with Lucy was enough to make her feel at peace. She thought about how easy it had been last night to show her what she was feeling, and hoped that maybe now she was ready to actually have the talk. She thought she might finally be brave enough to say the words. Those three words used to terrify her. But today, she found herself excited by them. She had never thought herself capable of falling in love before. She thought she was too broken for that. But loving Lucy was easy. And the hope that Lucy loved her back…that had her heart fluttering with anticipation. Being loved by Lucy would be everything she ever allowed herself to hope for. It would heal her in ways she never realized she was broken. Damaged.
But then she got the text from Cara and she felt it all being ripped away from her. It was a casual thing. Cara was in town for business and wanted to catch up. ‘Catch up’ usually meant hook up. Even if they hadn’t actually spoken in months, Cara had no reason to believe anything had changed. But for Kate, everything had. She planned to fix it immediately. She explained to Cara that whatever arrangement they had needed to stay back in DC. She was done. She finally had something worth losing. Something worth fighting for. And she intended to do what it took to keep it. Even if it meant lying to the person who had somehow in such a short amount of time, become the most important person in her life. Because it had been a white lie. Or it was supposed to have been.
None of it went according to plan. Cara took the rejection badly. So much so, that she was willing to sabotage Kate’s relationship with Lucy once Kate explained to her why she wanted them to be done for good. She had known who Lucy was as soon as Lucy introduced herself. And Kate will never forgive Cara for that. Even though she hoped that someday Lucy would forgive her for it.
Kate’s entire word got destroyed in a single moment. And the only thing that terrified her more than falling in love was being the only one left still falling. Well, except for the fifteen minutes Lucy was on that mission that had gone sideways and no one knew what happened to her. That was the worst thing that ever happened to Kate apart from losing Noah.
She thought about Noah. And Lucy. About grief and loss and love as her breathing slowed and exhaustion threatened to do what nothing else could; to bring her sleep and make her mind stop. She lay there, on the floor, knees to chest, and let her mind filter through every single worst case scenario. Lucy transferring off the island and never talking to her again. Lucy staying at NCIS and working with Kate every day but never talking to her again. Lucy moving on and shoving her new relationship in Kate’s face. Lucy acting like they never happened and being business as usual. In her darker moments, she relived the break-up that wasn’t a break-up. Or even worse yet, relived the mission gone wrong where Lucy died at the end.
She couldn’t take it any more. The sense of dread. The sense of finality. The pain and loss and utter devastation. She thought about what it would have been like if she never met Lucy at all. Or if she simply just kept things professional and never got to know her. Never let her guard down. And somehow, those were the worst thoughts of all. Because she knew what she lost. What she would be missing out on. What she would have never had at all. Because despite it all, she was better for having known Lucy. For loving her, even if she would never be loved back now. She wouldn’t erase those memories. She wouldn’t let herself just forget Lucy like that. No matter what, Lucy deserved better. She deserved not to be compartmentalized and forgotten as much as she deserved the truth and a real apology. Someday.
Kate owed Lucy the real truth. But she also planned to respect Lucy’s request for space. For time. She needed to not fight for her right now, despite how much she truly wanted to. Because she knew her feelings for Lucy weren’t going anywhere. She didn’t intend to bury them. Now that she had allowed herself to feel and let someone in, she wasn’t going to go back to the lonely existence she once thought had been adequate. She could wait for Lucy. She’d wait for forever if she had to. She would prove herself trustworthy. To Lucy. To the team. She would quietly just show up day in and day out. And she would let Lucy come to her. She hoped Lucy would come to her. But she wasn’t about to force it. She couldn’t take another confrontation. She couldn’t take seeing the disappointment, anger and hurt in Lucy’s eyes. She couldn’t take more of Lucy’s ire. Her wrath. Her words that had been so precise they pierced her heart easily despite the layers of protection Kate had usually found beyond sufficient.
Kate’s exhaustion ran out and she fell asleep in a heap on her floor. She woke up without her alarm, either in dread for the next day or in excitement. She wasn’t sure which. Dread for obvious reasons. Excitement, because she was a useless gay who despite everything, just wanted to see the face of the woman she loved. Even if it was at a distance.
She didn’t know what to do when she saw Lucy in front of her on the sidewalk. Her intention to give Lucy space evaporated when it was Lucy who initiated a proper conversation even if it was with irritation and anger in an effort to avoid her.
But then Lucy admitted that it wasn’t easy for her to end them. And even though she was being berated on a public sidewalk at her place of business, she couldn’t help being a bit giddy (which was ridiculous because Lucy also reminded Kate that she was the one who threw them away). Lucy was hurt and angry; but she admitted ending it hadn’t been easy. And even if it was a small sliver…it was still hope. And Kate would latch on to it like a lifeline. She could do this. She had patience and drive and persistence. This was a challenge she understood. So despite her best efforts of space for them both to heal, Kate knew this was her first step at getting Lucy back. She just had to make sure she did it right this time. No more secrets or half truths. No more wearing a mask of indifference when all she wanted was to truly feel her feelings. And what she felt was love. Desire. Happiness and hope. This wasn’t the end for them, Kate realized for the first time since her heart broke into a billion little pieces, this was a real chance at a true beginning…