Chapter Text
The night before came back to Remus slowly, the frustration replaced by a hollow feeling in his gut. He knew what he had to do and had known for awhile. Last night’s argument pushed up the deadline but didn’t make it any easier.
Remus snuggled into the soft worn t-shirt covering Sirius’s shoulder. He sighed and squeezed his boyfriend. “Sirius, are you awake?” It was a dumb question. Sirius always woke up first.
“No”
“We need to talk.”
Sirius grabbed Remus’s arm and rolled onto his side, pushing back into Remus and pulling his arm tighter around him. “10 more minutes, please. I’m not ready.”
Remus nodded against his shoulder and fell back asleep.
When Remus woke up again, Sirius was sitting with his back against the headboard carding his fingers through Remus’s curls. He looked up at him with a slight smile.
“Morning, Moony,” Sirius said. His voice was missing it’s usual morning brightness.
“Mm” Remus rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he slowly sat up and joined Sirius against the headboard, shoulder to shoulder. He grabbed Sirius’s hand, pulled it into his lap and began playing with his fingers. Remus knew he should say something but he’d lost the words that came so easily the night before.
The two boys sat in silence for a while before Sirius spoke, anxiety oozing from his voice. “I’ve been thinking and I really think we can make it work, Moony. It will be hard but I was serious when I said I’d visit all the time.”
“You’re always Sirius,” Remus cringed at his lame attempt to break the tension.
Sirius rolled his eyes, “Remus listen to me! We were upset last night but it’s going to be fine. We’re going to be fine.”
Remus sighed and kissed Sirius’s fingers, “We are going to be fine, Pads —because we’re going to let each other go. But just for a bit. We’ll come back to each other.”
Remus left out the part where he was pretty sure that letting Sirius go meant losing him forever. There wasn’t a world where Sirius Black wouldn’t have people falling at his feet. Once he got out of this small town, Sirius would be surrounded by people more fun and more handsome than plain, normal, Remus Lupin. Ending it now would be hard but nothing compared to watching Sirius’s affection slowly fizzle back to friendship while he lit up for someone else.
“I know you think we need to spread our wings and live our lives without each other, for all of those reasons you were spouting about last night, but I hate it. I don’t want to live my life without you. Lily and James are staying together, why can’t we?” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and very nearly pouted. Remus had to fight a fond smile.
“Lily and James aren’t going to be five hours away from each other and they’ve dated other people. They’ve only been together for six months. We’ve been together for three years, and attached at the hip for seven. We haven’t even kissed anyone else.”
Sirius opened his mouth but Remus spoke before he could, “James and Peter don’t count.”
Sirius rolled his eyes with a huff and leaned his head back on the headboard, giving his hand back to Remus. “You seem so calm about it all. Have you been planning this all along? Are you that desperate to suck face with a literature nerd in a cardigan?”
Remus saw straight through Sirius’s false humor and it made his heart ache. How could Sirius ever think that Remus would want anyone else?
“It’s not even about that, Sirius. We’re both on the precipice of a major life change. This is the phase of life where we discover who we are and have an existential crisis or two. We need to give each other space.” You need space to shake off your parents’ rigid rules and figure out what you’re passionate about when they’re not dictating your every interest.
Sirius ripped his hand from Remus’s lap, crossed his arms and glared at Remus. “For fucks sake, Moony. Can you stop using big words and at least pretend to be sad that you’re dumping me?”
“Of course I’m sad,” Remus snapped. His wall was cracking. He took a deep breath and fortified himself to go on, “You’re finally getting away from your parents and all of their bullshit pressure and rules. You’re joining a new team and going to meet so many cool people and going to be so busy.” He took a deep breath and plowed on, “It would kill me if you were spending all of your free time visiting me instead of making new friends and finding new ways to flick off your parent’s conventions. I just want, need, to know that you’re having the time of your life and not worrying about me.”
“But I have the time of my life with you, I don’t know why we can’t have all of these ‘coming-of-age moments’ you’re so obsessed with together.”
A memory of Sirius’s eye roll filled his vision and he snapped, “Well you weren’t having the time of your life last night.”
Sirius looked stricken, “I-.” In an un-Sirius like show of willpower he closed his mouth around whatever quick retort had popped into his head. He pulled his knees up to his chest and tucked his head between them. After a deep breath he said, “I just didn’t want to leave. I was having fun and I’m still getting used to having the option to stay.”
Sirius lifted his head up to look at Remus. “It’s like, I’ll forget for a second and panic thinking my mom will show up and drag me home but then I remember she’s in France and I don’t live with them anymore and I can stay. And the relief is just incredible - it makes everything more exciting.”
The eye-roll memory induced anger vanished at Sirius’s words.
“I know Sirius, I know. And I tried so hard to be there with you but the music was so loud and there were so many people. It’s just not my scene and I don’t think that’s ever going to change.”
“But that’s okay with me Moony. I’m getting it out of my system, once I’m used to the freedom I won’t need the chaos anymore.”
“I don’t want you to give up loud music and crowded parties, Sirius. That’s what going to a big state school and being on a college sports team is for.” Remus needed him to understand. He needed him to see that their relationship would crumble if they tried to stick it out.
“Some would say you join a team for sportsmanship and athletics, not parties.” Sirius mumbled.
“C’mon Pads, you know what I mean. And deep down you know I’m right. I want you to go and let your hair down, be wild, maybe you know, meet…people.” Remus trailed off as he was flooded with images of Sirius dancing closely with someone else. Kissing them. Oh god, he needed to get out of here before reality slapped him in the face and the tears started.
“Really? You want me to meet other people?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.
“I mean no but yes, I guess. Ugh.” Remus dropped his head in his hands. “Let’s just not talk about that right now, or maybe ever.”
“Moony, let’s not talk about any of this, okay? Let’s go wake up James. You can sneak out and then pretend to come over so Effie can make us pancakes. We can just pretend last night and all of this never happened, okay? Please, Remus?”
Sirius looked at Remus, his ice blue eyes filled with hope and Remus almost caved.
“Sirius. If we stay together, I’m going to hold you back and I can’t have you resent me, okay? I just can’t.”
“We’re not your parents, Re. I won’t resent you.” Sirius gave his hand back to Remus who clutched it between his own like a lifeline.
“You say that now but last night proves that you might. And besides, this isn’t just about you. I’m so excited to get out of this town and meet people who love literature as much as I do and I’ll have my job at the library. I’ll be as busy as you and if we’re together I’ll skip the trivia nights and book clubs, you know I will. We both deserve the time and space to throw ourselves into the college experience.”
Remus added emphasis to his last words and Sirius scoffed despite a softening of his expression. Sirius had been ecstatic the day Remus found out about his full ride scholarship to Fortescue College. He’d bought the biggest double chocolate ice cream cake they made at Honeydukes and they’d eaten it with spoons underneath the willow tree in their neighborhood. Remus felt his eyes burn. It was not the time for memories like that.
“I just don’t want us to grow to hate each other. I know it doesn’t seem possible but it didn’t seem possible to my parents when they were our age. If we break up now, then we end on a good note… and we can get back together in 5 years and be happier than ever.” Remus tried to smile but his mind was flooded again with Sirius’s future lover.
“Right. As if you won’t find some beanie and skinny jeans wearing hipster to fall madly in love with and live in a cozy little apartment and drink oat milk lattes.” Sirius pushed his face into his hands as he mumbled, “I’ll just be that guy you dated in high-school.”
Remus turned so he was fully facing Sirius, pulled his hands away from his face and stared until Sirius met his gaze, “You will never be just the guy I dated in high school. You are everything to me Sirius. That’s why I want to do this because I want you in my life forever and I can’t lose you because we were stubborn and stupid.”
Sirius sighed, “It just doesn’t make sense to me, Re.” Sirius' voice was shattered and Remus felt himself wavering. He remembered his mom’s face, that deep sadness as she was finally honest with Remus about why her marriage to his father failed. He steeled his resolve. This was the right decision.
“I know but you forget how well I know you and I know it will make sense in time. You’ll be happy and you’ll have to admit that I was right.” Remus beamed with fake pride and Sirius huffed.
He pulled his hands out of Remus’s grasp to rub his face and run his fingers through his short hair. “So what now? We delete each other's numbers and just never talk again until grad parties?”
Remus’s brain short circuited for a second and he stared at Sirius. “What? No! We can still talk.” In every version of the future he’d imagined, he was still in touch with Sirius. “I mean, we were friends long before we dated and I don’t think we’ve gone a day without speaking since we all got cell phones in what, fifth grade?”
“Oh perfect, so you can tell me all about skinny jeans wearing beanie-head when you meet him.”
Remus scrunched his nose in disgust. Maybe he hadn’t thought this through fully. He knew there would probably never be a beanie head in his life but he had absolutely zero desire to hear about any of Sirius’s exploits. Or the person that would eventually sweep him off his feet and take him away forever.
“Okay, so maybe we talk less and add some ground rules but I can’t imagine living my life without your commentary.”
“You’re really not going to change your mind about this, are you?”
“No, I’m really not. I love you so much Sirius and you just have to believe that I’m doing this for us. So we don’t take what we have and tear it to shreds.”
Sirius seemed to mull things over for the next few minutes, running one hand through the short swoop of hair that covered his forehead and picking at Remus’s fingers with the other. Remus stayed silent, knowing that Sirius needed time to think.
The corner of Sirius’s mouth quirked up for a second and his whole face seemed to shift into an expression of pure mischief, one that had given Remus plenty of heart attacks over the years, before quickly shifting back to being unreadable.
Remus braced himself as Sirius broke the silence, “I love you too and for the record I think this is fucking stupid.”
“Noted.”
“And if you’re really making us do this, I don’t think I can talk to you. I can’t just go back to being friends. If you think we need space then fine, but it has to be a clean break.”
Remus winced at the cold tone of Sirius’s words. He wanted to argue but Sirius was finally accepting the break-up. This is what he ultimately wanted, right? And Sirius was right. Going back to being friends would be weird. A clean break would probably, maybe, be easier. Even if it ripped Remus all the way open.
Remus nodded his head and didn’t miss the drop of Sirius’s shoulders. Like his last ounce of hope had left. He could see him folding in on himself and Remus resisted the urge to pull him into his arms. This was his decision and it was time to leave.