Work Text:
Washington D.C.
A camera is set up in an office, a single chair in front of a window with blinds open to reveal people walking through cubicles and more. The seal of the President is on the far right wall of the room beyond the window. A man walks into the room and sits down in the chair. "State your name and position please" the man behind the camera asks.
The male who sat in the chair had wavy short blonde hair and was dressed in a grey suit, very unassuming. "My name is Yoshikage Kira, I'm one of the office workers for the white house. Working here is..."
There came a scream from the room beyond the window as a blue Utah raptor with a bag of coffee grounds in his mouth, Diego Brando, one of the president's secretaries, came streaking past while the secondary head of defense, Johnny Joestar rode on his back like a horse. "Hurry up and run before they catch us Diego!" He shouted in excitement, kissing the top of the prehistoric terror's head like he was a fucking puppy and Diego's tail literally wagged right after. They were being chased by the minister of defense, Kars and Johnny's assistant Gyro.
"Mr. Joestar please stop! For the last time, Mr. Brando needs to drink his coffee in the break room like everyone else!" this from press secretary Hot Pants who was standing next to a fascinated PR Department head, waving like a madman.
Said madman was Joseph Joestar, who was actively cheering his relative on "RUN JOHNNY! RUN LIKE THE DINOSAUR WIND!"
Johnny looked over at Joseph, nearly sobbing as he reached out to him, Joseph reached out in return, "I will Joseph, I will! They'll never catch me and Diego!"
Joseph wiped a tear from his eye as his family member, and the dinosaur whose back he was riding on, shot off down the hallway, headed toward the oval office with Kars and Gyro hot on their trail. He called out, "I'll never forget your bravery, Johnny! Legs can't stop the Joestar family secret technique after all!"
"This is all so muda..." came the voice of Vice President Dio Brando, older brother of Diego as he walked out of his office staring at paperwork in his hands and not paying attention to the fucking dinosaur that was his little brother running down the hall, Johnny on his back like a horse jockey.
At the same time, his secretary, Jolyne was busying herself talking to her disinterested father, the White House's Marine Corps Commander, Jotaro on the phone while her older brother, head of the education system, Jouta, handled her emails for her and their great uncle, one of the white house's personal reporters, Josuke prattled on the web cam about how many people complimented his hair that day.
The head of the mafia that had ties to the white house now also worked for the white house, Diavolo was busying himself with his paperwork, even as Jonathan and Dio's 20 year old son, half vampire and head of security, Giorno, stared daggers at his back. Giorno wanted to take Diavolo's place as leader of that mafia group that operated with the White House, and he would do anything to reach that dream.
Across from them sat Jonathan, one of the white house's most trusted workers, who was sorting through some files on his desk while trying to calm Giorno down. "Son you really shouldn't let things like rivalry get in the way of becoming the very best GangStar the world will hopefully never know about because it would be bad for business if the mafia got caught having ties with the White House..." He chuckled but Giorno smiled at him
"Don't worry dad, I'm fine." Giorno smiled wider and Jonathan grinned and looked back at his paperwork.
On the Inside, Giorno's left eye was twitching like crazy.
Mista, one of the office workers part of the mafia that had ties with the White House, pointed in the air as a bubble drifted past, with a little anchor on it "That looks kinda cute..."
Joshu, yet another office worker who was walking down the hallway shouted "Wait, don't-"
But it was too late. The moment Mista touched it, it popped and it took the odd smell that was radiating off him away. "Hey cool!" he exclaimed this as he sniffed his usually rank ass shirt and didn't gag instantly afterward.
Joshu sighed, knowing that his relative, West Wing office manager Josuke, affectionately nicknamed Gappy, not to be confused with his cousin Jousuke, uncle of Jotaro, was lurking around somewhere, fixing things by taking things away as he usually did. It brought Joshu comfort, even as Pucci slunk through the shadows like a religious zombie and slammed a bunch of paperwork into his arms before slithering away like the holy sanctified snake that he was. Back to the chapel inside the White House.
Meanwhile, the president, Funny Valentine, was walking out of the Oval Office sipping from a hot cup of tea while dabbing at his lips with a napkin as if nothing was happening, even as Diego and Johnny shot past him and into his office. Kars screamed and Gyro was pulling at his hair and rushing in after them both.
"Tell me something Mr. Zeppeli.." He asked this as Caesar, Gyro's brother and one of the presidents assistants, followed him down the hall, "Would you give your all for this great nation?"
Caesar nodded, "Of course Mr. President sir"
"Would you take on great responsibility, even in the face of great danger?" the president stared at him expectantly.
"Without a doubt sir!" Caesar could barely breathe.
"Do you believe that my heart and actions are utterly unclouded, they are all those of justice?"
"Always Mr. President!"
This was it; this was the moment he had been waiting for his entire career.
”Can you jump over any obstacle in your way?“
He nodded violently.
Holy shit!
The president was giving him a promotion!
"Would you climb to the highest height to do so if you had to?" Valentine asked and Caesar nodded enthusiastically, he could feel his patriotic blood bubbling, hear the glorious jingle of more money in his bank account, almost taste the-
Valentine gave a slow smile at that, shattering all of Caesar's dreams in one hushed whisper of that deep south twang that made everyone who heard its knees go weak, "Then call Hol Horse, alert him and Mountain Tim, go grab a fucking rope and wrangle that god damn dinosaur and his cripple jockey out of my office before they break something important, and I find a new use for Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap!" The added screams of an unlucky office worker getting ripped apart by Diego hit Caesar's ears.
Johnny calling out “woo hoo! Ten points! Good job Diego!” Caesar could swear he heard Diego bark. But when Funny hissed this with barely restrained venom, his stricken assistant blushed but jumped to do as commanded.
"Hot Pants get Vanilla Ice down here, NOW!" The president barked in rage as he wandered into the other room.
"Yes Mr. President!"
One of his other assistants, Erina, rushed over to him with a clipboard in hand “Mr. President! You have a two o clock with the prime minister of the UK, a five o clock with those representatives from Saudi Arabia, and a call from your wife on line four!”
Funny Valentine hummed in response as he closed the door behind him “Set it all up! Someone go get me my fucking mineral water! Where the fuck is Foo Fighters?”
There was a loud crash in that same room...
”Oh no! Mr. President! Risotto what the fuck! Stop jumping off tables like their stages and trying to mosh pit! You fucking fell on the president!”
”Oh shit my bad...” there was silence “He’s out cold...quick let’s wrap him up in a carpet!”
”Risotto!!!”
Kira rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands, giving a defeated sigh.
"Bizarre"
TBC?