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It happened again.
They should really stay away from this train station.
Atsushi looked down at his hands, except this time they were all wrapped up in bandages. Missing the usual black gloves. He already knew what happened, this is the second time, after all.
Looking up and seeing an uncharacteristic smirk on his own face just confirmed that Dazai enjoys this the same way – if not more – as before.
Switching bodies might be different as a couple, though. Not just close friends like last time.
Opting for their best chance, they went back to their apartment to figure out how to handle this mess. The fact that Dazai didn’t try to run off or purposefully create embarrassing social situations to make Atsushi look bad was half a win.
Coming to think of it..
- Why did you even try to do that last time, Dazai-san?!
- It was fun. I didn’t have the chance to see you flirty, Atsushi-kun. I had to do it myself.
- And what is stopping you now?
- Do you think I want competition for myself? If you weren’t this oblivious, you would already see how almost everyone you meet falls for you. Even if you tried and used the worst pick up lines in existence, people would still think it’s adorable.
Catching the actual concern coming from him, Atsushi wondered if this wasn’t just Dazai’s biased opinion. It surely was. Right?
However, hearing his own voice whining this much was still an awkward feeling. Dazai became extremely soft since they’ve been together. He was already a little bit before, but nowadays it reached a whole new level.
To be completely honest, they were already familiar with each other’s bodies. Knew about all the scars, every little secret hidden from the world that only they knew the stories of. Knowing and experiencing was still different.
Despite everything their height difference was still something Dazai found cute. Atsushi wasn’t that much shorter than him, but compared to what he was used to, he liked seeing the world like his lover did. He liked looking in the mirror closely to see every speck of colour in Atsushi’s eyes. While he could do this normally, the young boy would surely feel uncomfortable after a while and Dazai would stare for an eternity if that was possible.
Meanwhile Atsushi struggled with sometimes crashing into things due to being unused to how close a kitchen cabinet could be for example. The bandages kept coming loose, the brown curls in the middle of his face was bothering his eyesight. It was a miracle Dazai didn’t need glasses yet.
Hugging each other, cuddling, kissing in this state was nearly impossible. Settling for laying together on the bed talking, with a frail hold on each other was the most they could do.
- I love you but I’m not going to kiss myself, Dazai-san.
- This is not great anymore. I want to change back.
- It should wear off after a while, that’s what you said right? There is nothing we could do for now..
Atsushi was really tired for some reason. He knew Dazai didn’t lead the healthiest lifestyle but he might have underestimated how much strength he uses up daily just to function normally. He wasn’t used to this.
Atsushi closed his eyes and hoped it would get better. He drifted off to sleep in minutes, the exhaustion finally taking over he could no longer fight against.
Dazai looked at his features closely, understanding the tiredness better than anyone. He felt a little guilty that he had to put Atsushi through this, not like he had the choice. Slipping out of his hold, he decided to let Atsushi sleep and go off on his own.
After all, he had the most energy in a long time and having control over Atsushi’s body would be a waste to not take advantage of.
Right before leaving, Dazai turned back to the mirror for one last time. He really focused on one thing he regretted not trying the last time, controlling Beast Beneath The Moonlight.
The fluffy tiger ears appeared on his head and Dazai was able to pet them, smiling crazy in satisfaction. They held up to his expectations, even exceeded them. The silky tiger fur was alone fun, but looking at Atsushi with the ears was worth all of this.
- Finally.
Dazai didn’t want to run into Akutagawa, so he went for a safer choice. Going to the café, where he found Lucy instead. He didn’t want to make the day too eventful, he wanted to avoid a fight or even just some useless bickering and Lucy was a nice person to chat with. She and Atsushi were close, and it didn’t take a genius to notice that maybe the girl held more romantic feelings for the tiger boy than just simple friendship. Dazai and Atsushi didn’t keep their relationship a secret, but Atsushi never really mentioned Lucy. Did he even tell her? If he did, he wouldn’t want to imagine how the girl felt.
Getting rejected by Atsushi was his worst nightmare after all as well, at one time.
Dazai knew all of his boyfriend’s habits, so Lucy didn’t suspect anything weird. As they talked, the redhead kept playing with her hair, the light blush on her cheeks, the stuttering, sparkling eyes and batting eyelashes. She still wasn’t over him.
Dazai can understand that more than anyone else. He doesn’t blame her one bit.
- Lucy, are you okay? – Dazai mustered up his most innocent look. – Your face is a little flushed. You aren’t overworking yourself, right?
He didn’t think it was possible, but now Lucy’s face wasn’t too far off in colour from her hair. Dazai tried to suppress his chuckle, how did Atsushi not notice this?
- I’m alright! You’re a creep, don’t try to observe me so closely. – She crossed her arms as she tried to calm down. – I should’ve left you to die at the port when you almost drowned.
Dazai almost spit out his coffee.
What? When did Atsushi almost die? Why didn’t he know about this? When did this happen?!
Trying his best to not choke on his drink, Dazai continued. – What do you mean?
- Don’t you remember? God, that was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Standing with you naked in Anne’s room..
The sound of Dazai – Atsushi coughing violently filled the café, he really should stop drinking before he actually chokes.
- Are you okay?! Damn, you can’t even drink now?
Waving his hands, Dazai tried to form words. – Y-Yeah..
The actor of the year award should officially go to Dazai Osamu. Bonus points for not killing Atsushi with coffee.
After all the „excitement” from the conversation with Lucy, Dazai went back home. If he expected anything from that talk, it wasn’t this. How many times did he almost lose Atsushi and didn’t know about it? Is he overthinking this?
Stepping through the door, he quickly went to their room. He didn’t care anymore if he had to technically hug himself, he wanted Atsushi.
He was still sleeping, so Dazai climbed back to the bed and hugged him tightly. Having his body was this exhausting for him?
Slowly opening his eyes, Atsushi turned to him, still drowsy. – Dazai-san..? I thought you didn’t want to hug.. yourself? Me?
- I changed my mind. – Pulling him even closer, Atsushi could feel the desperation he didn’t know the reason for. Dazai recently developed the habit of giving the warmest hugs and usually he put all of his heart into it. But Atsushi could always tell the difference between these. There was some underlying concern.
Before he could say anything, Dazai’s phone started ringing.
„Kunikida-kun”
Atsushi looked at Dazai with alarmed eyes. He was more awake in a second.
- Dazai-san?! What should I do? I can’t act like you!
Dazai didn’t look that fazed, smiling up at him.
- Then he’ll find out.
How anxious Atsushi became was too endearing, Dazai didn't want to take advantage of his suffering but it was too hard. – I mean.. Oh no!
…
- Anyway-
- Dazai-san! Take me seriously!!
After an awkward phone call, it ended with Atsushi hating his existence, Dazai laughing in the background and Kunikida somehow still not finding out about the swap. What he wanted was for them to go to the office.
As they got there, hand in hand as usual, Atsushi kept fidgeting nervously. Why was he so anxious about telling others? Maybe he just didn’t want to hear the scolding.
- Oh, hey Atsushi! – Ranpo waved at him, smiling.
Atsushi waved back out of reflex – as Dazai – and Ranpo just started smiling even more.
Fuck.
Kunikida approached them, obviously watched the whole interaction. The angry glare from him and the dark aura didn’t leave the tall man for a second.
Dazai just kept smiling while Atsushi already expected what’s coming.
- I can’t believe this! First of all, we discussed pda in the office! – He tells them every day. He still gets ignored every day. – Second, how did this happen again?!
- Kunikida-san, I wish I knew..
Dazai was just smiling, unbothered.
- And you! Don’t look all proud! If you didn’t swap bodies with the kid, I’d –
- There is no time for this! You have to leave for the mission, isn’t that why you called them here? – Naomi interrupted them.
It was a simple mission and Kunikida, Dazai, Atsushi and Yosano was assigned for it. Work was work, and even though the body swap made it harder, they had to go.
The reason why they had to send 4 of their members was because this was a criminal organization who had a base near Yokohama’s central.
They reached the building in the late afternoon, the purpose regarding the mission wasn’t too complicated. Take over the base, the organization didn’t have any ability users according to the official report. Just some men with guns.
Kunikida – no matter how cranky he was sometimes – was an amazing agent, someone you could always rely on. He worked effortlessly, knocking out the men without actually killing any of them.
As for Yosano, she was simply perfect too. No complaints.
Dazai and Atsushi were usually more in sync, no matter how well you know your most beloved’s movements, they were still not your own ones and it was difficult to manage what you weren’t used to.
Despite this, the four of them worked fast, taking out every single target in less than an hour. They weren’t the Armed Detective Agency for nothing.
- Great. Now we are finally finished for today. – Yosano sighed, the mission still made her tired a bit.
All the targets were laying around them, unconscious. Even the sun started setting behind them.
- Yeah, I can’t wait to get my own body back. It’s not easy working without Byakko, no offense Da-
A sudden loud noise echoed on the building's walls. Similar to fireworks, something you can’t describe with enough accuracy but those who were standing in the room know this sound by heart.
All Atsushi could feel was a sudden sharp pain in his chest, his panic at seeing the others’ bewildered eyes. He couldn’t breathe, he didn’t know what was going on. He didn’t even had the chance to reach the ground as he fell to his knees, because Dazai rushed to him to help and keep him up with all he had. This time, his hug was different as well.
Time seemed to slow down, he saw the colours of the sunset slowly disappearing, saw a man from the organization – somehow still awake – holding up a gun.
Oh.
After that, the man’s hands fell back to the ground. He did that with his last strenght. For revenge, possibly.
He saw himself – Dazai, talking, shouting words at him but none of those reached him. He couldn’t hear anything from the loud ringing in his ears. Only felt Dazai’s shaking hands as he closed his eyes and darkness overtook everything.
The space Atsushi found himself in was far from anything he has ever known. His eyes were heavy, but he used his remaining energy to keep them open. When he looked at his hands, they were still covered in bandages. He was still Dazai.
The memories from the day were hazy. Not completely gone, but hazy.
His surroundings matched his state of mind well. Looking around, all he saw was fog. Not a soul was nearby.
At least he thought, until he heard a voice he wasn’t familiar with at all. But something in his chest told him that Dazai was.
- ..Dazai?
When Atsushi turned around, he met with hopeful shining sapphire eyes full of sorrow and burgundy hair. He already saw him somewhere, but where was it exactly?
- I.. um.. – Atsushi didn’t know how to respond. This was someone important but he can’t remember for the life of him. – I’m sorry. I’m not Dazai-san.
The look in the stranger’s eyes changed, it was still warm but now they held a different type of emotion. If Atsushi didn’t know better, he might have said it was relief.
- Ah, then.. Atsushi-kun. Am I right? Nice to meet you. I’m Oda Sakunosuke.
Suddenly it all clicked.
- Nice to meet you, Oda-san.. My name is Nakajima Atsushi.
The man from Dazai’s old pictures, the name from the graveyard..
The graveyard?
Where was Atsushi exactly?
- Yosano-sensei, please. I can’t – I can’t lose him.
In the spawn of just a few minutes, reality crumbled upon Dazai. He watched himself get shot and bleed until he was on the verge of death. He wouldn’t have minded if it was really him, but losing Atsushi was something he couldn’t recover from anymore.
The body swap was simply a curse at this point. If he lost Atsushi, but had to look into the mirror and see his physical body every day, he couldn’t even kill himself. Because then, he would kill even the last proof that Atsushi ever existed. His guilt would eat him away every single day that he wasn’t able to protect the most important one.
Between Dazai’s pleads and frantic behaviour with tears in his eyes, Kunikida held him down.
- Dazai! Listen!
He doesn’t want to listen. It’s unusual for him to lose control like this. It only happened one time, but even then, he only cried after.
- He is not dead yet, but he is very close to it. Just let Yosano do her thing!
After all, Thou Shalt Not Die still had a chance. The agency had a plan if Dazai ever died. After all, No Longer Human cancels out everything.
Regardless, the small time gap between life and death might save both of them.
- I’m sure you’re confused. Come, lets talk a little.
Oda’s voice was very calming and grounding. No wonder Dazai liked him so much. Atsushi had a feeling that if they had time, he would be great friends with him as well.
- Oda-san.. Did I die? If I did, why am I still Dazai-san?
- No. You didn’t die, Atsushi-kun. You are close to it. But you won’t die.
Oda looked so young. Close to Dazai’s age.
- ..How do you know?
- Just a feeling. Someone is still crying his heart out over you at this moment. And this story can’t end like this.
Atsushi stopped walking and casted down his eyes.
- I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m the one who met you instead of Dazai-san. He misses you a lot. It’s not fair that you can’t talk to him and I’m the one being here.
Oda stepped closer to Atsushi and put an arm on his shoulder.
- Don’t worry. I had the chance to see him now up close like this, and I’m happy. He is doing well. Dazai.. I saw how he handled everything when we parted. It’s good that he has you now. He might not say it outloud, but he needs you more than he lets on you to know. Dazai is just a lost kid at heart. He isn’t invincible either, Atsushi-kun. Don’t forget that.
With tears in his eyes, Atsushi tried to process just how kind Oda was.
- You watched over him all this time?
- Of course I did.
- Then how did you not know that we swapped bodies?
He laughed a little at his question. With meeting Oda, Atsushi felt like he met a part of Dazai’s past that shaped him into the person he knows today.
- I’m generally speaking. You want me to watch over his every move?
- Coming to think of it.. No. It’s the best like this. Dazai-san is often annoying.
Now Atsushi was smiling too. It was so easy to talk with him.
- But we love him regardless.
- Right.
Oda looked at Atsushi’s arms, which were slowly starting to fade away.
- Ah, it’s almost time. This is a goodbye for now, Atsushi-kun. It was great meeting you.
For some reason, Atsushi felt disappointment. This place was comforting, he liked talking with Oda.
- Wait.. Oda-san.. Do you have anything you would want to say to Dazai-san? If I’ll remember when I wake up, I can tell him anything you’d like.
- He really chose well. I know one day we’ll see each other again. Hopefully that time is far away. I’d like to see him really live, happily, before it’s his time. I’ll tell him everything in person when that comes. But thank you, Atsushi-kun.
Everything after their goodbye disappeared from Atsushi’s memory.
They were still in the building. The dark of the night was their only company, the moonlight was simply mocking Dazai.
Yosano used her ability on Atsushi, to see if it really worked depended on if he opened his eyes in the next few minutes or not.
Seconds have never felt like an eternity.
Kunikida and Yosano tried to keep themselves together, since Dazai became a mess. He was sitting next to Atsushi, holding onto his hands. Or his own hands. It didn’t matter anymore. He didn’t know how body swaps worked exactly, but he would be damned if he didn’t wish they could change their positions now.
- He is breathing! Dazai!
Dazai never snapped his head back up quicker. Kunikida was right, Atsushi finally opened his eyes and the moment their eyes met, Dazai latched himself onto him.
- Oh my god. Don’t do that again.
Atsushi hugged him back almost immediately. While Dazai didn’t let go of him, Atsushi looked at the other two thankfully. He didn’t say anything but they understood it.
Lastly, he looked up at the full moon.
The next thing he knew was that his eyes were full of tears and the room’s perspective changed. With a gasp, he let go of Dazai – Dazai, the real Dazai finally, not himself – and looked down at his own hands. The black gloves were back.
- We switched back!
- I don’t care anymore. Come back here. – Dazai pulled Atsushi back now even closer than before.
After their relationship, Dazai often expressed his feeling with physical touch instead of words. For this reason, Atsushi learned how to read every single touch from the man he loves the most.
For Dazai, this day was one of his worst. Because..
It almost happened again.