Work Text:
i.
”I need to get laid!”
This is how Tony decides to announce his arrival at Loki’s place of work. The library. Where Loki works. And has to maintain some sort of professional decorum. No hello, Loki, my good buddy. No how are you today? And certainly no my, am I glad to see you!
Naturally, Loki isn’t bothered one bit by his best friend’s behaviour.
”Yes,” he just agrees, not even looking up from the book he’s reading. Because he’s on desk duty, and what are you going to do about it, anyway, hm? It’s quiet at this time of day anyway, and he might as well entertain himself. And also, if his boss were to magically appear – which she will not – Loki will just tell her he’s keeping up to date, so he can give informed recommendations to those who ask. Why are you asking anyway, why does it matter, Loki’s minding the desk, isn’t he? ”You really should. You get cranky when you haven’t gotten laid in a while.”
Tony dumps his backpack on the ground and dramatically hurling himself into a chair next to the counter. Loki isn’t really sure why it’s there, but nobody ever puts it away. Now, it’s practically Tony’s assigned seat when he visits Loki at work.”Oh, please. As if I’m the only one. I can tell it’s been at least a month for you. Don’t even try to deny it, I witnessed the way you griped at the soda machine yesterday.”
This, finally, makes Loki put his book down. He has to put his full focus on the withering glare he’s giving Tony. ”That’s rude.”
Tony’s unperturbed. He’s one of the few people who can tell the difference between Loki’s real glare and the one he uses just for the sake of it. ”So’s that look. Also, more evidence that we both need to get laid.”
”You can’t decide that I need to get laid, solely because I got justifiably annoyed with the soda machine. That soda machine is a supervillain in disguise, and it has you all fooled.”
”Okay, fine. How about the fact that we spend pretty much all of our time together, and I would absolutely have noticed if you’d snuck off to have a little sneaky pre-marital relation with someone in the coat closet?”
”Alright, fine,” Loki somewhat reluctantly relents. He can’t argue with that. They do spend all their time together. Pretty much always have. Tony’s his favourite person to hang out with, what about it Still, e’s not exactly loving having to admit that he too is in the midst of a bit of a drought, but. Well. If it gets him results. ”What are you suggesting?”
Leaning a little too comfortably back in his chair, Tony slaps his feet up on the counter. If Loki’s boss sees, she’ll lose it. Loki doesn’t say anything about it. He never does. ”We could go to a party?”
Loki’s brow goes up. He’s not inherently against parties, but he doesn’t love attending them just to say he’s attending a party. ”Are there any good ones happening?”
”We can’t afford to be fussy about quality, Lokes,” Tony responds. His voice is half confidence in an attempt to be persuasive, half whining in anticipation that it won’t work.
”I’m nothing if not fussy about quality.” Loki’s already starting to lose interest; not in Tony, never that, but in the topic. He starts fiddling with the computer that’s on the desk, pretending to work, even as he keeps up the conversation. ”You should know that by now.”
”But there’ll be hot people,” Tony argues, undeterred, a note of complaint in his voice. It’s the voice he uses, when he isn’t getting Loki’s full attention.
Loki has to resist the urge to smile. He’s not fully successful; he can feel the corner of his mouth twitching upwards. ”Not if it’s a shit party.”
”But there’ll be alcohol.” Tony’s voice is singsongy, persistent as ever. It’s an incredibly annoying trait; it’s one of Loki’s favourite parts about his best friend.
Still, he is not moved. ”That’s how you convince you, not me.”
Tony throws his hands up in the air. ”Alright, fine. No parties. But I swear it’s getting harder and harder to meet people elsewhere. I don’t want to be that weird, creepy guy hitting on people in all sorts of random settings, when they are just trying to live their lives, and they aren’t out to invite conversation. A party is one of very few instances where you can be reasonably sure people are open to socializing with strangers.” He takes his feet off the table so he can sit up and lean imploringly towards Loki, sneakers make a little ’thunk’ noise as they hit the ground. ”You come up with something better.”
Fortunately for them both, Loki’s just spotted an ad. Gods know what this computer has been used for to make this ad appear, but he’s not about to complain. Instead, a grin starts growing on his face. ”Well…” He spins the flat screen of the computer, so Tony can see what’s caught his attention. ”How about online dating?”
ii.
Of course Tony’s immediately on board with the idea. It’s a platform where it’s not only acceptable, but outright encouraged, to be flirting with multiple people, they can make their intentions clear from the start to attract the right people, and it’s guaranteed that anyone they match with and talk to has some sort of interest in them in that sort of capacity. Really, what’s not to like? It’s a foolproof idea.
When they tell Pepper and Thor at dinner in the cafeteria later, they are, however, less impressed.
They don’t come out and say anything about their thoughts on the matter right away. But the look they exchange says it all. In return, Loki raises a brow. ”What?”
Thor just fidgets, clearly unwilling to speak up first. He probably knows that he isnt’ going to be able to articulate his concerns in a way that Loki won’t just roll his eyes at. Not without some sort of outside backup. He never was able to win a verbal argument against Loki. Not even when he’s right.
This leaves Pepper to be the one who has to respond for the both of them. ”I just think you might be acting a little rushed, that’s all.”
Tony barks out a laugh and drops a fry in his lap. Ketchup smears all over his thigh, but these are dirty from the workshop anyway, so he clearly doesn’t mind. Loki has to resist the urge to help clean it up. ”Rushed? Pep, it’s online dating. We’re looking to get laid, not get married. After a whole month of abstinence, by the way. Please point to the part where you think we’re rushing, because I sure as fuck can’t find it.”
Thor shifts, as if mentally preparing to speak. Now that Pepper has opened up the debate, it feels safer to speak up, clearly. ”Don’t you want to meet someone organically?” he tries, earnest blue eyes imploring Loki to see reason. Loki thinks Thor is being wildly dramatic. And that’s saying something, since Loki’s king of the dramatic.
”Just because Jane hit you with a car and the two of you fell madly in love, it doesn’t mean the rest of us will be blessed with such a high caliber meet-cute,” Loki responds, dry as dust in the desert. ”Also, I can’t hear any logic over the sound of my surprise that you know such big words as ’organic’.”
Loki’s smirk at his brother over his own magnificent wit is quickly wiped off when Thor reaches out to mess with his hair.
While the brothers start bickering and squawking at each other, Pepper turns her attention to Tony. ”I don’t know, he has a point,” she says. ”I feel like you’d find someone if you just…” She waves her hand a bit. ”Looked at what was in front of you.”
”Loki brawling with his brother over messy hair and insults is what’s in front of me,” Tony argues, as if that settles the point. ”Stop being so anti-technology and get with the times.”
When Tony turns his attention to cheering Loki on, Pepper wonders how Tony can hit the nail on the head with such incredible precision, and somehow still manage to miss the point completely.
iii.
See, what Thor, Pepper, and anyone with at least a few working senses spending any extended period of times around these two buffons will already know, is that Tony and Loki are actually hopelessly in love.
The only two people who don’t know, in the entire universe, probably? Tony and Loki themselves.
Alright, you might argue, can we be sure of that? If they don’t think they’re in love, who are we to tell them differently?
Pepper and Thor are immensely glad you asked.
You see, both Tony and Loki are actually a little bit stupid when it comes to their own feelings. Having grown up alongside them, Pepper and Thor are quite qualified to attest to that. They each have a PhD or three on the matter.
For instance, Thor was the one to handle Loki’s sulking when Tony cancelled their weekly movie night, just for the two of them, to hang out with his father’s business partner’s daughter. They’d spent the entire night eating icecream and binging Gossip Girl, and Loki wouldn’t stop making snide comments about the characters betraying each other, taking everything way too personally.
Or how about the time Loki was flirting with that British exchange student, and Tony choked on his champagne when they kissed? If Pepper hadn’t helped him correct his paper on his British History 101 paper that following week, he would most definitely have failed. Hard.
A third example, just for good measure? The time the four of them were on a road trip and, to entertain themselves, Tony and Loki took to planning their hypothetical wedding and relationship in great detail with a little too much earnest and detail. Both Pepper and Thor noticed the glimmer in their eyes. And the subtle longing in their voices. And how honest it sounded when each of them admitted that, in a perfect world, they’d just fall in love with each other and get married. How easy it would be, if they could just be with each other.
So now they’re both single and looking for something, and Thor and Pepper are in agreement. It’s finally time for a little intervention.
iv.
And so, Loki signs up for a dating site that very evening, actually feeling pretty excited. A whole section of the internet full of options, just for him. (Not literally, of course. He knows. He’s still a little drunk on the feeling of so much potential.)
And then, of course, finding an actually fitting prospect turns out to be a little bit of a slog.
It’s not that he’s not getting any matches. And it’s not that none of them are a good match. In fact, a good handful seem pretty decent. It’s just that… well, they only seem good on paper. Once Loki gets to talking to them, there’s just always something missing. A gut feeling telling him ’this isn’t what you want’.
Which is ridiculous. It’s almost like his gut feeling already knows exactly what he wants, yet it never bothered to tell him.
”It’s frustrating,” he complains the following week at yet another dinner with Tony, Thor, and Pepper. ”I’m just looking to get laid. I’m not looking for everlasting love. So why is it I can’t look past the sense that something deeper is missing?”
”I know what you mean,” Tony agrees, grumbling a bit between bites of his cheeseburger. Tony cares a lot about his health; he tends to be anxious about heart conditions. Yet every so often, he’ll switch out his gross smoothies with the greasiest, filthiest burger he can, and he’ll throw himself at it like a starving wolf. Loki’s watching it unfold with affectionate disgust. ”Since when is it this hard to pick up a partner for a night? Why the hell am I programmed to care about personality?”
”Well,” Pepper begins, and Loki already knows he is going to hate what she has to say. Stupid gentle understanding. She’s mastered it to perfection, and it pretty much always works, and it’s horrible is what it is. ”Maybe it’s because you don’t really want to just hook up. Maybe you brain knows something about what you want that you aren’t listening to.”
Loki just looks at Pepper. Then he exchanges looks with Tony. Then they burst out laughing in sync.
”Ha!” Tony grins, wiping a tear from his eye. ”Good one.”
v.
Two days later, Loki gets a match. And this time it’s actually a match.
He’s pretty cute, with soulful brown eyes and thick brown hair. Doesn’t seem like he’s too tall, but Loki doesn’t mind. He’s smart, he’s good with cars and robotics, and he likes rock music. He’s witty, he boxes, and he enjoys a good drink, a green smoothie, and a cheeseburger in equal measure.
And the conversation just flows. It feels good in a way that also feels familiar, and yet it’s just off enough that he can’t put a finger on what exactly it is that makes him feel known, and like he knows in return. Like it’s just on the tip of his tongue why this man reminds him of something or someone. Yet whatever it is, it’s just off enough that this new connection feels fresh and new and exciting.
When the guy asks him to dinner, Loki doesn’t hesitate to type out a big fat yes.
High on a cloud of excitement, he’s so distracted that he forgets to worry about the funny, tight feeling that emerges in his gut when Tony tells him he’s found a spectacular guy to date this weekend too.
vi.
The restaurant’s familiar to Loki; it’s one their entire group of friends loves to frequent. He and Tony especially tend to spend way too long in here, each buying their own stack of fries because they refuse to share, even though they just combine both portions anyway – a habit they’ve gotten into after one too many times of getting into a fry-thieving war. (”It makes no sense!” Pepper had complained. ”You’re both buying fries! What’s the point!?”)
This time, however, he’s here for his date. So when he walks through the door, he’s wearing his best First Date Suit and a pleasant smile, back straight, hair strategically slicked back. He’s primed to have an enjoyable evening.
He’s met by a hostess with a bright smile and a sweet, round face. ”Hello, good evening, welcome to Alessandro’s. Do you have a reservation?”
Loki nods. ”Edwards for two. I’m supposed to meet someone.”
The hostess nods back in acknowledgment, so bubbly that it appears her entire body is bouncing. It’s adorable. ”Alright, this way, please, your guy’s already here.” She’s already turning to lead him to the table, expertly scooping up two menus from a stand to the side without pausing her stride. Loki follows, purposefully employing his best, most confident walk and posture. First impressions are everything.
Except the impression he gets of the man at the table the hostess takes him to is nowhere near his first.
”Tony?”
Because right there, at his table, Tony’s sitting, mouth open and eyes wide in surprise. ”Loki?”
”What are you doing here?” he demands, his previous Pleasant Smile flipping immediately to an indignant, confused scowl. And then, just like that, something clicks into place. The reason why his date seemed so familiar. (He’s going to ignore the fact that he more than willingly went on a date that reminded him that much of his best friend). ”Did you catfish me?”
Tony starts spluttering, offended and outraged. ”Me, catfish you?” He laughs derisively. ”I never pretended to be anything other than what I am. If anything, you catfished me.”
Loki opens his mouth to hiss something back in response; before he does the hostess, cuts in. ”Alright, you know what, I’m just gonna leave these here,” she says, dumping their menus on the table. Somehow, she’s still smiling. Loki has to give her props for her top tier customer service game face. ”And then I’ll be back in ten and see if you’ve figured your shit out and if you want any drinks.” She walks off, leaving them both looking sheepish and chastened.
For a few seconds – seconds that feel like much longer - the two of them just kind of stand/sit there awkwardly. Then, Tony clears his throat and gestures to the seat across from him. ”Maybe sit down?”
Loki looks at the chair, a little suspicious. ”If I do, will you explain why you catfished me?” But, despite his sniping, he is already sitting down. Because even though he is fully aware that this mess isn’t his fault in any way, shape, or form, this is still Tony. He can’t fathom that Tony’d pull this kind of shit either. There has to be an explanation.
As expected, Tony huffs and rolls his eyes, (Loki’s always loved his propensity for theatrics; it’s a way in which they match) before he launches into immediate denial. ”I told you, I didn’t catfish you. I didn’t even come here thinking I was meeting you. How do you explain that, huh?”
Loki huffs right back, then pulls out his phone and pulls up the dating website. After a few taps, he’s dug up the profile he’s been talking to, and the messages they’ve been sending back and forth. He plants his phone on the table and looks at Tony with a raised eyebrow.
Tony picks it up, as Loki’s Expression silently orders him to, wearing a frown that only deepens as he scrolls and reads. Eventually, he hands it back. ”Compelling argument,” he says, fishing his own phone out of his pocket. ”Allow me to counter with this.”
And suddenly, Loki’s the one frowning at his best friend’s phone. Because there’s a profile under the exact same name as the one Loki’s been talking to. And though the messages are different, they’re also asking for a date, at this restaurant, at this time. Only, that’s where the similarities stop. Because unlike Loki’s guy, this man is slender and pale with piercing green eyes, profile advertising a love for reading, fashion, and feeding the crows in the park.
In short, this profile is just as reminiscent of Loki as the other is of Tony.
”I didn’t do this,” Loki defends himself, handing back the phone.
”No,” Tony agrees, moving his chin a little to the side; Loki easily recognizes it as a telltale sign that he’s pondering something. ”I don’t suspect you did. This is a little too convenient.”
”So we are being catfished. Just not by each other,” Loki summarizes. ”But surely it’s the same person. The coordination is a dead giveaway.”
For a few seconds, they’re both silent, deep in thought. Then, Tony’s head jerks up. ”Or persons.”
Loki quirks a brow. ”You have a theory?”
Tony doesn’t hesitate to get right to it.”Who are the only two other people, we’ve told about this? Who thought it was a very bad idea that we online date and were very adamant that we should be looking at what was in front of us? Who tried to talk us out of it with the stupidest, most senseless arguments against online dating known to man? Who knows us better than anyone and would have the best shot possible at impersonating us online without actually claiming to be us?”
Loki’s expression clears. It clicks before Tony’s even finished speaking. ”Pepper and Thor.”
Tony nods and slaps his hand against the table. ”Bingo. Pepper and Thor. They’re the ones we’ve actually been talking to.”
Before they can really start processing this and discussing what to do, a waitress shows up. Loki can’t help but notice that it’s a new girl; he doesn’t really blame the hostess if she decided she never wants to see them again. ”Hi. Are you going to want some drinks?”
Startled by her presence, Loki first looks up at her. Then, he looks back to Tony, brows lightly raised in question. Maybe they’re here because they’ve been tricked, but... Are we going to do this anyway?
Tony meets his gaze. Then shrugs; smiles. ”Sure, I’ll have a drink. We’re here. We’ve got a table. Might as well make use of it.”
Despite himself, a small, answering grin starts to bloom on Loki’s face. ”Alright. Let’s do it.”
vii.
It starts out a tad stilted. They’re both hyper aware that they’re here on a date they didn’t actually consent to on a fully informed basis. They can sit here and talk as if they’re just two normal friends all they want, but it’s still in the back of their minds that they came here with different intentions – both their own and the ones enforced upon them by Thor and Pepper. It doesn’t matter that they were catfished – ultimately, the cliché of everything but the picture and the name was real holds up. (Yes, Loki has been known to binge the everloving shit out of Catfish: The TV Show. What of it?) They can’t unknow that.
But they quickly relax. This is Tony, Loki thinks. If there are versions of reality in which he does not get along this swimmingly with Tony, he’s glad that he’ll never have to live in any of them.
And that of course sparks further thought. Because even though this is unlike anything they’d likely ever pull themselves together to do on their own, it’s not bad. It’s not uncomfortable. They’re having a great time, and Loki isn’t thinking despite that it’s a date. He’s thinking… well. He’s thinking he’s excited. He’s excited because it’s a date.
It’s like it always is, but… it’s also better. Because Loki really likes thinking about the possibilities of not like always. He likes that, once they’re done, they might not just say goodbye and head their separate ways, see you tomorrow, bring your notes, Pepper’s making us study. There’s the option of something more.
Eventually, they have to be ushered out by the hostess from before; she’s significantly less bubbly at this point. Clearly even her good attitude can only withstand so much of Loki’s and Tony’s antics. That doesn’t put a dent in their good mood, however, and they’re laughing as they stumble into the street, shrugging into their coats to fend off the cool of the late night air.
They don’t make it past the nearest streetlight. As if by unspoken agreement, they both come to a stop, and Tony turns to face Loki. ”You know what?” he asks. ”I had a good time tonight. And I know I’m not who you were hoping to see tonight, but…” His smile fades a bit as he shrugs, turning into something a little more sweet and… shy? Uncertain? Surely not. Not Tony Fucking Stark. ”Well. I don’t really think I can run from the fact that I probably was hoping to see you there.”
And oh, if it’s impossible that Tony was just appearing a little insecure, Loki will later deny to the ends of the earth that he looks down and bites his lip, blushing a little bit. But for the time being, he just leans into the atmosphere of a quiet cobblestone street after a spectacular date, oldfashioned streetlamps illuminating their faces, and the air smelling like the honeysuckle climbing up the walls of the restaurant they just left. ”No,” he tells him. ”I feel the same. I mean… Now that I know what Pepper and Thor did, I should really kick myself for not realizing why I was attracted to that guy in the first place.”
”Yeah,” Tony grins. ”Yeah, you can say that again. Although not to Pepper or Thor. They’ll be insufferable if they know their plan worked.”
Loki shrugs, mischief sparkling in his expression. ”Who says they have to know it worked at all?”
And Tony’s looking so handsome as he’s laughing up at him, the streetlight in his hair and stars in his eyes, Loki thinks he’s never wanted to kiss anyone more. So, he does.
iix.
Tony and Loki text both Pepper and Thor in a group chat the next day, chewing them out for tricking them, and for disrespecting that they were just looking for sex, fully expecting them to deny it and put up a fight.
The only reply they get is a brief and utterly remorseless text from Pepper. ”It still got you laid, didn’t it?”
Well. They can’t argue with that.