Chapter Text
Moments of Impact: Part 1
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It’s been 3 days since the accident.
One second, Toni was putting up wires for her job and the next second, she was lying on the ground unconscious.
After high school, Toni went to trade school to be a linesman. She was on shift with Dot at the time. The Texan was the one who traveled in the ambulance with Toni and then called everyone when she was sitting in the waiting room.
Her first call was Shelby, Toni’s wife.
Once Dot was able to come calm Shelby down, the nurse was able to give the pair a small update about Toni. She was still unconscious but she was being monitored continuously.
While they were waiting they had called the others. Soon enough, Martha and Fatin came barreling in, followed by Leah and the Reid twins.
For the next two days, the brunette remained unconscious.
Most of their friends cycled in and out of Toni’s hospital room but Shelby and Martha were the only ones who were constantly at Toni’s bedside.
Currently, Shelby and Dot were sitting in the chairs next to Toni’s bed while Martha had finally relented and left to go shower. After watching Shelby almost fall over from exhaustion in her seat, Dot walks over to the blonde and places a hand over Shelby’s shoulder.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go back to your place, Shelby?” Dot asks softly.
Shelby shakes her head and clears her throat. “I want to be here when she wakes up.”
Dot sighs. “I’m so sorry-”
The blonde interrupts her before she can say anything else. “Quit apologizing Dottie. You got her here. You heard the doctor. If it had been 10 minutes later-” She takes a moment to get her emotions in check. “She wouldn’t be with us.” She finishes. “So, thank you.”
Not knowing what else to say to that, Dot just nods. Then she repeats the words she’s been saying since Shelby arrived. “She’s going to wake up.”
Taking a deep breath, Shelby nods. “I know she is."
Just then, the doctor who’s been monitoring Toni since she was admitted, walks in.
Dr. Emma Cook was a sweet, middle aged woman who didn’t mince words with Dot or Shelby, which they both appreciated.
“Hey doc.” Dot greets her for the both of them. .
Dr. Cook sends them a warm smile. “Have you noticed any movement from Toni since I’ve been here last?”
Shelby shakes her head sadly. “No.” Then she asks. “Should we be worried?"
“This is pretty standard for injuries similar to Toni’s.” The doctor answers while looking at the girl’s chart. “Just keep talking to her. Sometimes hearing familiar voices have shown to help comatose patients come to.”
Dot nods. “Got it doc.” She stands. “I’m going to get us some water Shelby.”
“Did you need me to come with you?” The blonde asks.
The other Texan shakes her head. “Nah, it’s all good. I’m getting a little antsy.” She shrugs. “I need a walk. I’ll be back.” With a nod to the doctor and a reassuring smile to the blonde, she walks out.
The doctor puts down Toni’s charts before getting Shelby’s attention. “I’ll be around Shelby.” She sends her a similar smile that Dot just gave her. “Page me if anything happens .”
“Will do Dr. Cook, thank you.” Shelby says.
With Dot and the doctor gone, Shelby is left alone with her thoughts.
Fatin is supposed to be on her way with orange Gatorade and Takis (Dr. Cook said bringing in familiar foods with familiar smells might help stir up some of Toni’s brain activity). Sitting up in her seat and taking Toni’s hand, Shelby starts getting lost in her own thoughts.
So to control them, she prays.
Only a few minutes have passed when Dot walks in with a tentative smile and places a cup of water in front of Shelby. They share a smile and Dot takes the seat on the other side of Toni’s bedside.
Waiting.
________________________
It’s not until much later in the day when something happens.
Martha came back from showering a few hours later. She had called her mom to update her and Mrs. Blackburn would be flying in during the weekend.
After getting off the phone, Martha sits down in the chair Dot had abandoned. Shelby is still in the same spot she’d been in since she had arrived at the hospital. Dot is leaning against the window sill. Fatin had dropped off the Gatorade and Takis but had to rush back and pick up Leah.
As Martha and Shelby speak quietly, their conversation is interrupted when they hear Toni groan. They look at Dot whose jaw has dropped. They don’t quite believe it at first but then Toni groans softly again.
“Did you-” Martha mutters, eyes wide.
Shelby nods and squeezes Toni’s hand. “I did.”
Dot stands up. “I’m going to get Dr. Cook.” She says just before she rushes out of the room.
Martha stands up and leans in to hover over Toni. “T, are you there?”
Toni groans again but her eyes remain closed. Her face grimaces and her voice sounds hoarse when she mutters 'fuck'.
Martha starts to tear up. “Oh my gosh.”
Shelby swallows the lump in her throat. “Sweetie.”
They both watch as Toni blinks a few times, eyes adjusting to the light, before looking at Martha. She sighs.
When she turns her head in Shelby's direction, she does a double take and whips her head too quickly. It causes a shooting pain to go through her head, letting Shelby’s hand go in the process.
The brunette brings a hand to her temple and groans again. “Fuck, my head.”
Shelby places a hand over her wife’s forearm. “Take it easy sweetie you-”
Toni gruffly interrupts, groaning. “What the hell is going on.”
"You’re in the hospital now.” Martha speaks softly. “You were in an accident at work but you’re ok."
"Work?" Toni asks.
Shelby smiles. "Yes baby, you were doing something with those huge wires and you were electrocuted."
The brunette slowly turns to look at Shelby again briefly then looks up at the ceiling.
“Why the hell are you here?” Toni asks roughly, her voice strained.
Shelby tilts her head, not having heard the tone of voice from Toni since way before they started dating. “Uh, what do you mean sweetie-”
Toni whips her head back again to look at the blonde which results in the same wave of pain as before. “Fuck, ow. My head.” She groans.
"Baby, take it easy." Shelby says as she reaches to place a hand over the brunette's arm. However, she only lets her hand hover over her wife, unsure of what is going on.
Toni scoffs, blinking away the pain. “Why the fuck are you calling me that?”
The blonde looks at Martha. “I, I don’t understand.”
Martha looks equally as confused. “Toni, we were both really worried about you. You had a serious fall when Dot and you were at a site. She called Shelby immediately-”
Toni squeezes her eyes shut and holds her head with both of her hands. “Why the hell would-” She stops. “Dot Campbell and I work together.” Then she sighs. "And I thought your mom was my emergency contact."
“Ok, I’m getting more confused now.” Martha says, has she tilts her head.
Toni scoffs. “How do you think I feel, Marty?” She sighs again. “Ugh, it’s so fucking bright.”
Martha pauses for a moment, looking from a grumpy and confused Toni to a slightly hurt and equally as confused Shelby.
"T, do you remember what happened?" Martha asks quietly.
Toni shakes her head slowly. "I have no idea what's going on." Then she nods to Shelby. "Or why she's here." She adds gruffly.
"Toni!" Martha reprimands.
"What?" Toni asks, genuinely confused. "Why would she be here? We're not friends."
Hearing that word breaks Shelby out of her stupor. "Friends?"
Martha looks from Toni's body language to Shelby's then back again. Pieces are slowly falling into place. “Toni, what year is it?” Martha abruptly asks.
Toni scoffs. “What the fuck Marty-”
Shelby tilts her head. “Swe-” She clears her throat. “Toni, do you know who I am?"
The brunette looks at her like she has a second head. “Shelby Goodkind.” She answers with a scoff.
Shelby ignores the tone and continues. “Who am I to you?”
Toni rolls her eyes. “An annoying ass classmate.”
Hearing that definitely is a punch in the gut for Shelby.
Seeing the blonde flinch at her tone definitely has Toni confused. In her mind, Shelby should be used to her attitude by now.
Martha shakes her head. “Toni-”
The look on Marty’s face confuses her more. “What the fuck is going on?”
Both Martha and Shelby look at each other before turning back to look at Toni.
Just then Dr. Cook walks into the room with Dot.
“Look who’s awake.” Dr. Cook says softly.
Noticing the confused and slightly irritated look on the girl's face, she introduces herself. “My name is Dr. Cook, Toni,” She tilts her head. “You're at Massachusetts General Hospital. You fell when you were working and you have been in a coma for a few days."
Toni looks stunned.
"How are you feeling?” Dr. Cook asks gently.
Martha speaks before Toni can. “Doctor, I think something’s wrong.”
Toni raises an eyebrow. “What the hell is going on?”
Dr. Cook pauses for a moment then speaks. “Toni, you were electrocuted on your job as a linesman and then fell a few feet on your head. You’ve been unconscious for the last 3 days but your vitals have been good and your wife and Martha have been by your side since you came in.” She explains.
Toni blinks once. Then twice. “My what?”
“Your wife, Shelby.” Dr. Cook answers as she nods to the blonde.
“Fuck no!”
Martha’s eyes widen. “Toni!”
“There’s no way in hell.” She looks at Shelby. “We’re married?!”
Shelby winces but nods slowly. “For two years.”
The blonde feels Dot’s hand on her arm, trying to comfort her.
All the women watch as Toni picks up her left hand to see a wedding ring on her finger. Then, she looks at Shelby’s hand to see a matching ring.
Toni scrunches her eyebrows. “What the fuck!”
Shelby stands. “I need a little bit of air. I’ll be back swe-” She shakes her head. “Sorry habit.” Then she looks at Dr. Cook. “Doctor, can we talk in the hallway?”
The doctor nods. “Of course.” She looks at Toni. “I will be right back to run some tests.”
Both brunettes watch as Dot, Shelby and Dr. Cook leave the room. It’s not until the door is firmly closed that Toni gets Martha’s attention.
“What the hell is going on?” Toni huffs out again.
Martha sighs. “Well I’m no medical doctor but I’ve seen enough medical shows that I can probably guess that you have amnesia.”
The brunette scoffs. “There’s no way I married Shelby Goodkind.” She rolls her eyes. “She’s the most fucking straight person I've ever met.”
“Wow, you really do have amnesia if you genuinely think that.” Martha says.
Toni raises an eyebrow.
“Seriously, what year is it Toni?” Martha repeats her question from earlier.
Toni sighs. “I want to say 2016 but with the way you’re looking at me, I know I’m wrong.”
“It’s 2022.” Martha says somberly. “We’re definitely not in high school anymore.”
Toni tilts her head. “I’m 22?”
“Yeah.”
The brunette scoffs. “Well that’s just great, I’m missing six years of my life.”
“It would appear so.” Martha says softly.
Both girls let the information sit for a few minutes. Then Toni meets Martha’s concerned gaze.
“So, I’m really married to Shelby Goodkind?” Toni asks, still trying to wrap her head around the reality of the situation.
"It's really weird that you're calling her by her whole name but," Martha nods. “yes, you are.”
“No fucking way.” Toni says.
Martha takes a deep breath. “What do you want to know?” She asks. “What can I do?
"This isn't some prank?" Toni asks.
"What?!" Martha looks at Toni like she's crazy. "What cruel person would prank someone with this?"
"I don't fucking know Marty but that's the only reason that makes sense as to why you would ever say I married Shelby Goodkind." Toni says.
Martha shakes her head. "No it's not." She sighs. "Shelby is your wife and you love her very much."
Toni still doesn’t quite believe it. “Are you sure Shelby isn’t straight?”
Martha huffs. “Yes I am sure Toni. To quote you and Fatin, she was so far in the closet, she was in Narnia.”
Toni scoffs. “Sounds like me and Fatin.”
There's a pause in the conversation and when Toni looks at Martha, she can tell the other is hesitating. "What is it Marty?"
"So, I want Shelby to give you more insight but you seem to be really at a loss so, I can fill you in a little bit about you and her." Martha raises her eyebrow. "Would you want that?"
Toni sighs. "Ok."
"It was our junior student council trip," Martha starts. "We were in the same cabin as her, Dot and Alex Campbell. You both got lost in the woods after a team building exercise. You came back the next morning together and said you had talked everything out.” She laughs. “It wasn’t until much later that we all found out that ‘talked everything out’ was code for, you slept together. You had found out Shelby was in the closet all this time.”
Toni shakes her head. “This can’t be real.”
“I don’t know what to say Toni.” She shrugs. “You've been together since you were 17. She loves you like mad and you’d move mountains for her.”
Martha gives Toni a moment to think. She waits for Toni but after a few minutes of silence, she can’t stop herself from asking the other brunette a question.
“You really don’t remember anything?” She asks again. "None of that sounded familiar?"
“No.” Toni says, her voice sounding far away. "I don't remember any of that."
Martha tilts her head. “What’s one of the last things you remember?"
Toni winces. "You're not going to like it."
"I'm sure that's not true." Martha says soothingly. "Tell me."
Toni thinks before her face twists in another grimace. “Screwing things up with Regan.”
“Fuck, are you serious!” Martha practically shouts.
Toni’s eyes go wide, alarmed at the sudden outburst and hearing Martha curse. “Marty!”
Martha scoffs. “Are you serious?”
Toni nods. “Yeah, I told you, you weren't going to like it.”
Martha just shakes her head.
Then, because this is Martha and no matter what, Martha would be honest with her, Toni continues on and pries, “I’m guessing she’s not in my life anymore?”
Martha raises an eyebrow. “Well considering we live in Boston and it’s been seven years since you and her have been together, I’d say so.”
"Fair."
Martha shrugs. “I have no idea where she is now," She huffs. "Not that I should know where my sister’s ex-girlfriend is because that’s weird.”
There’s that far away look in Toni’s eyes again.
“I always thought we’d end up together and that Shelby would marry one of guys she had surrounded herself with. She’d be a housewife and have 2.5 kids by now.” Toni recalls.
When she thinks about it, there are no residual feelings for her ex-girlfriend but that sad feeling of losing someone important to you lingers a little.
Maybe this is how Shelby feels. Toni thinks.
Martha pulls her out of her thoughts. "Well let's get one thing straight Toni, Regan is not in your life." She shakes her head. “Do not say anything like that to Shelby because that would destroy her."
Toni nods.
Martha sighs. "You really, really don’t remember anything.”
“I don’t Marty." Toni says firmly.
Then when she thinks about her last memory of Shelby Goodkind, it was the blonde making out with some guy behind the bleachers.
Toni finds herself wincing. "I also still don't believe that Shelby and I are together.” She says.
Martha sighs. "She's not the girl you remember Toni." She waits for the brunette to look at her. "I know that look on your face. Shelby has more layers than the popular blonde who had a different boy by her side every time we saw her."
Toni nods, not quite believing it.
"Here, let me show you." Martha says as she pulls out her phone.
Toni watches as Martha scrolls through her Instagram. Once she finds a photo she likes, Martha turns her phone to show her sister.
The picture is a polaroid that shows Shelby in a bagging pink crewneck and dark plaid pants. Her upper body is leaning into Toni's lap, while Toni sits in a chair, leaning into the blonde and with her arms wrapped around the girl. The date is Toni's birthday in 2020.
"This was taken on your 20th birthday." Martha explains. "You two got married about three months later. 11/5/20."
"Oh." Toni says softly.
It's weird seeing a picture of yourself you don't remember being taken. But Toni recognizes her own body language. She's relaxed and comfortable with the blonde.
Martha scrolls through her entire Instagram feed. Toni sees flashes of the blonde with Martha or herself.
“There are thousands of pictures to prove your relationship, T.” Martha says, right before stopping at what Toni can only assume is her and Shelby's wedding day. "Your wedding photos are kind of big evidence of it all.”
Toni looks at her sister's face and she looks almost as sad as Shelby did right before she left.
Martha sighs. “I can’t believe this.”
They both settle into a comfortable (albeit somber) silence before Shelby walks in with Dr. Cook and Dot a few minutes later.
Instead of taking the seat she had been sitting in, Shelby stands behind Martha, and Dr. Cook takes the spot on the other side of Toni’s bed. Dot stands next to Shelby, not saying a word.
Dr. Cook smiles gently at Toni. “You seem more awake than before. How’s your head?”
“It hurts but I know that there are bigger things to worry about apparently.” Toni says.
The doctor nods. “You seem to have a form of amnesia called lacunar.”
“What does that mean?”
Dr. Cook explains. “Lacunar amnesia is the loss of memory about a specific event. It’s caused by brain damage in the limbic system which is responsible for our memories and emotions. When the damage occurs it leaves a lacuna, or a gap, in the record of memory within the cortex region of the brain.”
Toni raises an eyebrow. “So, the specific event I forgot was, what?” She looks briefly at the blonde before turning back to the doctor. “My relationship with Shelby?”
“It seems like it.” Dr. Cook says matter of factly. "However it is unusual that this even spans over six years. The brain is a complicated thing so sometimes it's hard to pinpoint a reoccurring pattern, especially with amnesia."
Martha pipes in. “Is there a way for the memories to come back?”
“I’m not going to lie, amnesia is incredibly complicated.” Dr. Cook states. “We always recommend showing the patient pictures. It's always possible that they can trigger memories and if they don’t,” She states. “Sometimes making new memories brings back the emotions. While those past memories don’t come back, the feelings do.”
“So there’s hope?” Martha asks.
Dr. Cook nods. “There’s hope, yes.” She looks at Toni. “I’m going to get the neurologist to give you an exam. You’ll need to stay at least one more night Toni. We want to monitor your continued brain activity and see if there are any other lingering effects from your fall before I discharge you.”
“Alright, thank you Dr. Cook.” Toni says tiredly.
Dr. Cook nods. “Of course.”
The trio watch as Dr. Cook makes her way out of the room but Shelby doesn’t take back her seat, opting to stay behind Martha. Dot has yet to address Toni at all.
Toni looks at the blonde. “You’ve been quiet.” She looks at the empty chair near her. “You going to sit down?”
Shelby hesitates. “I just-” She cuts off for a moment to try to find the correct words. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable Toni.”
Toni sighs. She's already uncomfortable but she knows it's not the blonde's fault. “It’s fine, you can take a seat.”
“Alright.”
Dot, Martha and Toni’s eyes follow Shelby as she takes a seat on the other side of Toni but her demeanor is still rigid, like she’s unsure how to carry herself now.
The other Texan moves to stand behind Shelby’s seat, still trying to offer comfort to her friend.
Toni, not really knowing what to say, opts to repeat the words she had said to Martha.
“I still can’t believe we’re married.”
Immediately after they are out of her mouth, she is kicking herself because she sees the blonde wince at them.
Dot scoffs. “Dude, we get it, you forget. Stop with that.”
Shelby shakes her head. “It’s ok Dottie.” She looks at Toni. “Is there anything I can do for you? Or clarify for you?”
“Can you fill in some gaps for me?” Toni asks.
Shelby nods. “Of course, ask me anything.”
Toni shrugs. “What’s our story?”
The blonde looks hesitant for a moment. “Do you want the short version or the long one?”
“I don’t fucking care.” Toni answers curtly.
She knows she's being unfair to the blonde but Toni still can't let go of some of the lingering hurt feelings from their past. Shelby wasn't a saint their sophomore year of high school, not that she was entirely innocent either.
"Toni!" Martha starts.
The Texan winces slightly at Toni’s tone but shakes her head. “It's alright Martha."
Toni meets the blonde's gaze and only sees sincerity (and a little hurt) in her eyes.
Shelby takes a deep breath. "Right, well we started officially dating in the summer going into our senior year of high school.” She starts. “It was hidden because of my parents but you deserved better than that so I worked really hard to come out to them.” She pauses for a moment. “And when I did, they kicked me out.”
“Shit.” Toni whispers, now feeling worse for a different reason.
Shelby nods. “Fortunately, I went to live with Dot. Then, you and I were together all throughout our senior year.” She shrugs. “It wasn’t easy but we made it.”
Toni tilts her head. "Then how did we get here?" She can't help but ask. "Us and the rest of our friends?"
Shelby smiles wistfully. “You got an offer for an apprenticeship in Boston so I applied to universities in Boston as well. We moved out there with essentially the clothes on our backs.”
Her gaze finally meets Toni’s. “Right before you finished your apprenticeship, you proposed to me." Shelby smiles big as she remembers that day. "We got married a year before I graduated undergrad in May. We scavenged enough money for this adorable fixer- upper in the suburbs. We’ve been renovating the place to make our dream home ever since.”
Toni doesn’t say anything, just allows the blonde’s words to sink in. Shelby turns to look at Dot, who sends her a comforting nod, and then she looks at Martha who gives her a sympathetic smile.
There's so many emotions passing over Shelby's face and Toni finds it hard to believe she can recognize a few a them. Despite the flashes of hurt on her face, Shelby still maintains a level of calmness that (begrudgingly) impresses Toni.
Shelby looks back at her. “Are you alright?”
“Are you?” Toni counters, still not getting how the blonde can be so damn patient over the fact that she (her wife) doesn't recall any of this.
And Shelby evades the question. “My main concern is you Toni. It’s a lot to take in and I’m sure it’s overwhelming.”
Toni nods. Ok, maybe Shelby isn't exactly how she remembers her. The blonde seems genuinely more sincere, instead of superficially interested like she appeared in high school.
Shelby grabs her attention again. She asks tentatively, “What’s one of the last things you remember?” She shrugs. “Maybe that would help bridge more gaps.”
Martha interrupts. “I don’t think we should focus on that Shelby.”
The blonde furrows her eyebrows. “Why?”
Martha sighs. “It’s not a nice answer.”
“If it’ll help, I don’t care what it is.” Shelby answers honestly. She looks at Toni. “What was it?”
A selfish part of her wants to see Shelby's reaction to what Toni had said to Martha earlier. Toni remembers the blonde glaring at her and Regan during the short months of that relationship.
Every time the blonde saw Toni so much as hold Regan's hand, she'd flinch and look away. Shelby would grab onto the guy she was with and pull him in for a quick make out session.
Toni swallows the ever growing lump in her throat and decides to be selfish. “One of the last things I remember is Regan.” She answers honestly, also knowing Martha doesn't want her to say it.
"Jesus fuck dude." Dot mutters.
The same look on Shelby's face appears but now Toni's seeing it clearly. It's not a glare. It's more of a regretful look of longing.
Plus an added layer of hurt.
She regrets being selfish. It doesn't easy her guilt when she looks at Martha's disappointed look either.
Shelby clears her throat. “Well,” She shakes her head. “I guess that makes sense. She was your girlfriend in high school before me.”
“And that doesn't bother you?” Toni pushes. “That out of everything, she’s what I remember?” She asks, trying to gauge the blonde’s reaction.
Shelby lowers her gaze for a moment, focusing on twirling her wedding ring. “I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, Toni.” She meets Toni’s gaze, her eyes glassy. "I know you're remembering me when I was at my worst. Scared to death and acting like someone I'm not." She clears her throat. "With how you remember me, I get it. It hurts but I understand.”
Toni scoffs. “Why are you being so nice about all of this Shelby?” She shrugs. “I mean roles reversed, I’d be a fucking mess.”
Understatement. If she was the one who had the memories and Shelby was the one who had forgotten, Toni would go batshit crazy.
Just goes to show that Shelby Goodkind is better than her.
“That’s not what you need from me Toni. Even if you still don’t believe this,” She gestures between them. “Or about our relationship, I know you’re beating yourself up enough for the both of us.” Shelby sighs.
It's weird how Shelby can read her so well.
“Your accident scared the hell out of me and it’s a blessing you’re still with us. We’ll figure the rest out together.” Shelby finishes.
Seeing the look of resoluteness on the blonde’s face makes Toni actually believe her. “Ok.”
Shelby nods. “I’m not going anywhere.” She sighs again. “I may be holding myself back but that’s because my normal isn’t what you’re used to.”
“Who else is in our lives?” Toni asks, changing the subject because it’s getting a little too heavy for her.
“Well, aside from Martha and Dottie, there’s everyone from high school. We all moved to the Boston area together after we graduated. We got a place with everyone before moving in together. Then, there’s also Matthew but he never lived with us.” Shelby clarifies. “Matthew is Marty’s boyfriend.”
Toni whips her head to look at Martha. “Matthew Johnson? He finally asked you out? When?”
Martha blushes. “We started dating shortly after you and Shelby came out with your relationship.”
“He treats you right, right?” Toni asks, getting sidetracked for a moment.
The brunette laughs. “Yes, we’ve been together for a while now,T.”
Toni’s eyes go wide again. “Wait, wait.” She looks at Shelby. “We’re 22, right?”
“We are.” Shelby says.
She quirks an eyebrow. “And we’ve been married for 2 years now?”
The blonde nods. “Yeah," Then adds, "We um, we just couldn’t wait to get married and start our life together.”
Oh. Toni thinks.
There’s a knock at the door, shifting everyone's attention to Dr. Cook and another doctor that follows her in. She introduces herself as Dr. Mary Casey and jumps right into what’s coming next for the brunette.
“We’ll be conducting a few tests on you Toni.” She looks at the girls. “Do you mind stepping into the waiting room-”
Shelby shakes her head. “Not at all.” She looks at Toni. “Good luck and if you need us, have someone come get us ok?”
Toni nods. “Ok.”
Martha sends her a smile. “See you sis.”
Dr. Cook walks out with Shelby and Martha so Dr. Casey can start her testing. As she’s working, Dr. Casey makes idle conversation.
She lightly jokes at first, “I wish we were meeting under better circumstances Toni but we’re going to work together and check out that brain of yours.”
Toni smiles briefly before raising an eyebrow. “How many patients have you had with this type of amnesia?”
“I’ve seen it before in a few other patients.” She answers honestly. "It's not the most common though."
The brunette nods. “So, with amnesia, does it get easier at all?”
“It won’t feel like it at first but it does.”
Toni adds, “For me and the people in my life?”
Dr. Casey nods. “For all of you.” Then she pauses. “But may I offer a word of advice?”
“Sure.”
“Sometimes it’s better to make new memories instead of dwelling on the old ones.” The doctor speaks candidly. "I've seen a lot of guilt on both ends when one person tries too hard to remember or the other person tries too hard at being amenable."
Accurate. Toni thinks.
Toni shakes her head to focus. “I-I want to remember.” Then adds. “I’m so confused of having a life that I don’t remember living. It’s actually pretty frustrating.”
Dr. Casey nods but then speaks candidly. “It is frustrating but unfortunately, just because that want drives us, does not guarantee those memories will come back.”
Toni nods.
The doctor sends her a reassuring smile. “Luckily, you seem to have a solid support team nonetheless.”
“Seems so.”
______________________
Meanwhile back in the waiting room, Martha, Dot and Shelby sit in the chairs, both brunettes on either side of Shelby.
Dot breaks the silence first. “How are you doing kid?”
Shelby shakes her head. “My wife doesn’t remember me.” She laughs self-deprecatingly. “All she remembers is me being closeted, fake, and homophobic.” She looks at Dot. “I’m a mess.”
Martha’s eyebrows furrow. “But in there you were-”
Shelby cuts her off. “The last thing Toni needs right now is me dumping all this on her and making her feel guilty. There’s so many things that take priority over my feelings.”
Dot shakes her head. “She’s your wife.”
“Not according to her.” Shelby says in a strained voice. “No to her, I’m just the Jesus girl in high school who she’d roll her eyes at and who was hanging on a different guy every month.”
Martha puts a hand over Shelby’s. “You know that’s not-”
Shelby squeezes Martha’s hand. “You’re sweet Martha but don’t sugar coat it. I know how she saw me and I don’t blame her.”
"Shelby." Dot says, trying to keep the blonde from spiraling in on herself.
"All those memories of us are just gone.” The blonde clears her throat to try to get the shakiness out of her voice. “She’s two hallways away and I miss her like mad.”
Dot rubs a hand up and down the blonde’s back. “Hey, you're not alone in this."
Martha agrees. "What can we do?"
"I appreciate that ladies." Shelby sighs. “But I have no idea. Never in my life did I ever think this would happen. It was always something that happened on TV, never in real life.”
“We’ll get through this.” Martha says optimistically. "I mean it’s you and Toni, how could you not?”
The blonde tries to swallow the lump forming in her throat. “What if she doesn’t want that? Want me?”
“Shelby, don't think like that.” Dot says.
Martha nods. "She's on edge and she doesn't mean to hurt you. I promise you that Shelby."
The pair watch as the blonde twists the her wedding ring on her finger, remaining quiet.
Dot grabs the blonde's attention. "Talk to us Shelbs, don't get all dark and twisty or we'll have to get Leah." She tries to joke.
Shelby manages a half smile that looks more like a wince.
"What are you thinking about?" Martha asks gently.
“I-” Shelby stops herself to take a deep breath. “I do want to fight for us. I will fight for us.”
Martha smiles. "That's good."
Dot raises an eyebrow. “But?” She knows the blonde well enough now to know there's more.
Shelby shakes her head. “How do I fight for a person who looks at me like that?” She downcasts her eyes to look at her feet.
Martha puts a hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Shelby-"
“How could I fight for someone who doesn’t want me back?”
Dot shakes her head. "Don't do this to yourself."
Martha agrees. “She just needs to remember the feelings. It doesn’t have to be the memories.”
Shelby doesn't say anything.
Martha shifts to move an arm around the blonde. “We can’t imagine how this feels Shelby but please don’t get so disillusioned that you fold.” She asks desperately.
“I could never give up on her. Ever.” Shelby says firmly. She exhales. “I'm going to fight for us, even if at times she might not want me to."
Martha shakes her head. "She'll want you to Shelby."
Shelby nods.
"What else are you thinking kid?" Dot asks. "Don't keep it all bottled up."
Shelby sighs. "It's hurts but I’ll accept whatever she wants, in whichever way she wants me, because I can’t imagine not having her in my life.”
“You two are going to be ok.” Dot says.
Shelby looks at her friend. “I really hope you’re right.”
“I will be.”
The next two days consist of stifled conversations between Toni and Shelby, with Martha and Dot playing the middleman between them.
One of those days, Toni does apologize to Shelby for her curt words and harsh attitude.
"It's ok-" Shelby starts.
Toni shakes her head. "It's really not."
Shelby walks marginally closer to the brunette's bed. "Your memories are of me acting in a way that can only be deserving of harsh words and a standoffish attitude." She defends. "I am not proud of who I made myself be when you first met me."
Toni nods. "True but I can't live in the past if I want to move forward."
"Wise words."
"I have my moments." Toni quips.
That has Shelby laughing. And it stirs a weird feeling in Toni to know she had just caused that.
"I appreciate the apology, even though it's not necessary." Shelby says quietly.
Toni nods, not knowing how to respond to that. She sees Martha peer into the room so she signals her to come in.
The other day consists of visits from Fatin, Leah, Nora and Rachel. Their visits are quick and Toni doesn't get to talk to them much. Most of the time she sees the four brunettes speaking to Shelby or Dot right outside her hospital room.
Through their small conversations, Toni seems to remember the girls but the memories still aren’t there.
Three days after Toni wakes up, she is discharged.