Chapter Text
He must've made a face that shocked her because, she immediately made an apologetic face.
"What?" Sanemi whispered, incredulous.
- do i know you?
He couldn't believe if he just heard that. He swallowed and took a step back. His back hit the door. He was processing what was happening. Again, his heart was getting ahead of the mind. He was already feeling a turmoil of emotions swim around him when his mind was still in denial. He watched Kanae's face for one more moment and feeling her gaze scan him like he was a stranger made him look away. He couldn't bear that gaze.
She didn't remember.
It didn't make him feel repulsed. He only remembered yesterday. And if she had known, she wouldn't have left him alone. She would've found him, even if he was on the other side of the world. But she didn't, even when they were in the same school. And yet, and yet he couldn't believe it.
When they first met again, he felt that odd connection. And he thought she felt it too. Sanemi wanted to believe that she felt the emptiness that was only fulfilled by him. Just like he had. He hoped with everything he had that she felt the same as him.
"Hey," Kanae said.
Sanemi didn't reply and so she touched his arm lightly. The touch sent a sizzling ripple across his body.
"Let's talk somewhere else," she said.
Following her to an empty corridor made Sanemi question his confused thoughts and suspicions even more. She clearly didn't remember. If she had, she would've exploded in happiness and embrace him - he was certain she would do that. But for someone who didn't remember, she reacted in such a way that kept giving him false hope. Why did she want to talk somewhere else? What was the hesitation in the seconds that she let him hug her, even if she didn't hug her back?
It wasn't long before his questions were promptly answered.
"What's your name?" Kanae asked, looking at him curiously.
Sanemi coughed dryly before saying, "Sanemi. Shinazugawa Sanemi."
"Ah."
She nodded like his name held some meaning to her. Sanemi couldn't breathe as he watched her. Did his name ring a bell in her head? Kanae crossed her arms and leaned on the wall across him while he stayed absolutely still. He couldn't relax. The next few moments would change his life forever; he felt it instinctively.
"I've heard about you, from Shinobu," Kanae started.
She felt cold. She was polite and was kind, but she felt cold to him.
Kanae generously explained about how she didn't remember - she emphasized it like it was something that hadn't happened to her and will never happen to her. She seemed weirdly prepared for this moment and all of her words and sentences ended with according to Shinobu or as Shinobu told me. Nothing came from her. All of the events she recited just felt like an empty statement. The pain he experienced, she had no idea. The memories he shared, she spoke of it like it was something from history.
"Shinobu talked about you sometimes. Not a lot; she usually only talks about... anyways. Shinazugawa Sanemi. I know you. Just not in this life, I guess," Kanae finished with an air of finality. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I can't really do anything for you."
Strangers.
They were strangers.
And she didn't love him.
The crestfallen expression must've been hard to ignore. She sighed apologetically again and looked like she had something to say, but she swallowed it. She stayed silent, but she didn't move. She just stood across from him, waiting for him to do something.
Sanemi was thinking. He didn't mind not being remembered. At least, that's what he thought. But the way he could see the vast distance between them was too hard to accept. He wanted the relationship that he had with her from his past life again. He wanted that back. It was the one thing in his life that was beyond perfection. It was the best. But the person that was in front of him was...
"I have a lot of things to tell you," he finally managed to say.
But you won't understand it, Sanemi thought.
No matter what he said right now, she wouldn't understand it. She wouldn't know the meaning of his words.
"You have a lot of things to say to Kochou Kanae from another life, not me," Kanae said. Her words were gentle but it cut through him. "There's no point in telling me anything, I won't know anything you're going to say to me. I'm sorry." She apologized but her apology didn't reach him. That wasn't what he wanted to hear in the first place anyways. No, that was the last thing he wanted to hear in her voice.
"What?" Sanemi breathed.
"The person you miss doesn't exist anymore," Kanae said. Her voice became quiet, like she knew how cruel her words were.
Sanemi released an exasperated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. He scowled and gritted his teeth, unable to do anything. At that, Kanae smiled. It wasn't the innocent, happy kind of smile. It was the smile that he had seen before. She was pitying him and was trying her best to comfort him. The small splinter of familiarity made him relieved. His face relaxed and at that, Kanae grinned even more widely.
"We were close, right?" Kanae said. "I can tell, just by looking at you."
Yes, Sanemi thought. Yes, yes, yes.
But he stayed still and simply watched her.
"We have class starting soon," Kanae said as she looked at her watch. "Go to class, Shinazugawa-san. You can - "
"What did you just call me?"
He was bewildered. Never once had Kanae called him Shinazugawa-san. Honorifics, and his last name? That felt like a punch to his face. Kanae watched the solemn look of shock seeping into his face and blinked twice before finally noticing the problem. "I... didn't call you Shinazugawa-san, did I? I'm sorry, that's just what Shinobu refers to you all the time." Again, she apologized for something that wasn't her fault. It just made him feel worse.
Sanemi chose to nod wordlessly. He didn't know what to say anyways.
"What did I call you? Shinazugawa-kun?"
"You called me Sanemi."
That took her off-guard. Kanae realized two things that moment: Shinazugawa Sanemi was disappointed. That made her feel guilty. And also, the intimacy that the simply name Sanemi carried was much more than she could handle. She was overwhelmed. She did one day imagine something like this happening after listening to Shinobu but she didn't think anyone like Sanemi would appear in her life.
"I'll just call you Shinazugawa-san for now," she said.
"No, call me Sanemi," he said. It was in between a demand and a plea. "Please."
His please was what made her rethink her decision. It felt like he was physically holding her down to the ground, making it impossible for her to move. Just in a few minutes, she had found herself as a close companion to someone she only learned the name of in the same few minutes. But she couldn't say no. The way he talked, the way he groaned, the way he begged with his eyes made it impossible for her to say no.
Kanae just wanted to lift the pain from the stranger's eyes.
Tomioka Giyuu had lived his new life like it was an extension of his first; in short, he thought there was nothing important enough in his life.
His heart was too weary to be feeling anything. And on a very serious note, he truly did not care about anything. He wasn't obsessed with the things that were already over. He couldn't change the past. He didn't recall every little detail on purpose. He thought it was obvious. It was obvious that it would only be painful. So he separated himself from who he used to be. That didn't mean the uncomfortable feeling that rose every time something became a strained reminder went away but, Giyuu was content with the balance he had achieved.
He didn't intentionally try to think about his past life. He didn't want to connect to it in any way. That didn't mean it didn't influence him to live his life in such a unordinary way, but he learned to just live around it. After knowing a life where he risked his life every day fighting demons, this new life felt too unreal.
- it's her.
So Sanemi's reaction did surprise Giyuu. Giyuu didn't think Sanemi to be quite emotional - but maybe that was because his only emotion seemed to be anger - but he knew that the existence of Kochou Kanae would provoke him and his memories if it existed. But he didn't expect Sanemi to change this much.
- well, i am annoyed.
He became a whole new person. Just because he remembered Kochou Kanae.
- you knew.
Giyuu didn't understand. how could someone be so influential that they would affect the way you lived in another life? A part of him was jealous of whatever Sanemi harbored for Kanae. It was probably something worth living for. For Giyuu, his new life seemed equally unimportant as his last one. He didn't have his sister in this one - strangely, she seemed to have never existed. He didn't have Sabito. No one was here.
The door slammed open.
"You were right," Sanemi said tersely. He didn't expand anymore on his statement, but Giyuu knew what he was talking about.
"I told you," Giyuu said.
Sanemi glowered at Giyuu. He sighed, "I thought... I don't know. I was hoping that she would remember me once she saw me or heard my name or something." He rested his chin on his arm, feeling the wind slap him. The wind felt cold for the first time in his life, so he curled up a little.
Giyuu stayed wordless.
"She felt so different," Sanemi spoke softly, more to himself than Giyuu.
"I see," was all Giyuu said.
"No, you don't see," Sanemi cried. "I need her back. She's the only reason why I ever lived."
"...I see," Giyuu echoed, this time attempting to be a little more sympathetic. But in truth, he couldn't understand Sanemi at all.
Sanemi said something but Giyuu couldn't hear it. It sounded like some kind of determined vow. If Kanae was the reason why Sanemi ever lived in his past life, she probably once again be his reason to ever live in this life as well. Giyuu lifted the camera and looked at Sanemi through the lens before pressing the shutter. Sanemi was throwing himself into the same loop. Perhaps this time he would have a better ending. Not a happy ending, just a better ending than before.
I don't believe in happy endings, Giyuu thought.
He simply believed in endings. No ending was ever perfectly happy or perfectly sad.
Tomioka Giyuu considered himself very rational.
More now than ever. There were some things that Giyuu acted recklessly on, but that still was an act of rationalism. He wasn't heartless after all. He took in Tanjiro because he knew it was the better choice; and he was thankfully and very luckily right. Giyuu at that point in life was willing to gamble to put an end to all the demons. He would've gladly just taken all the risks, knowing that the results would be similar whether or not he won.
He never completely won nor lost. He lost his sister but he survived. Everyone around him died but so did Muzan. He had the privilege of living in a world where not a single threat was in sight, but didn't live long enough to feel comfortable in that world.
The door slammed open.
Giyuu expected that it was Sanemi who often barged in to scream into the void about Kanae before sulking around.
But the footsteps were different. It was more light and rhythmical. And he had recognized it long before he realized that recognized it. Giyuu put down his camera and swiftly but slowly turned around. His eyes landed on her but he didn't freeze. He had done all the freezing and feeling he ever needed to do in his past life when everyone died. He simply said:
"Hello, Kochou."
His voice was pleasant.
The girl looked up at him. With the sun behind him, he seemed to glowing. With his sleeves rolled up, camera in hand, he looked just like an ordinary person. No blade, no blood. He looked so calm and tranquil, as if he had been waiting for this moment his whole life and had been preparing for it. She smiled happily.
He looked down at her. She looked smaller than in his memories, perhaps because he was standing above her. Was she always this happy? She smiled like she owned the world. It was strange. She just seemed to have walked out of a fairy tale - the fairy tale version of her that he hoped to see and cherish. Giyuu took her in with his eyes. Somehow, this moment felt too unreal. Maybe he was dreaming but that wasn't possible: he never dreamed about her.
Kochou Shinobu.
"Tomioka-san!" she jumped, which startled him. His hands were a outstretched to catch her but she didn't fall. She climbed up the railing and stood beside him. If anyone saw them, she would've been called the suicidal kid number two.
That was when Giyuu noticed her uniform.
It was just like his.
That when a hint of surprise flitted across his face. "Aren't you three years younger than me?" was the first words he said after saying hello. Somehow, it didn't sound too friendly to Shinobu. The words she was going to say suddenly disappeared from her throat. She understood what he meant. The three year age gap should've made it impossible for them to attend the same high school.
His words stung.
"My birthday is in February," Shinobu answered. "I went to school a year early."
Giyuu nodded, understandingly. Then he looked away.
Shinobu realized something was wrong then. She trotted up to him on the railing, as slowly as possible, keeping her balance. Even when she stood right next to him and stared at him intensely, Giyuu didn't budge. It was like he just thought their reunion was completely over now and took away the attention he gave to her. Wasn't he surprised? The fact that he didn't even ask anything about her made her feel so alienated.
Wasn't he curious as to how she found him? Didn't he want to know why she didn't come to school for months?
"Did you know?" Shinobu whispered, her smile disappearing.
"About what?" Giyuu replied.
"About me."
"Of course." The words came out of him like a fluid. It came out effortlessly. Was he even paying attention to her?
"How?" Shinobu said.
"I've seen your sister around school. She's a part of the student council. She gave a speech in the beginning of the year."
He seemed to uninterested in her. Almost like he was trying to be uninterested in her. Shinobu lifted a hand to yank his sleeve to make him look at her but she decided against it. Deflated, she turned away and watched the horizon like him. Their gazes pointed in the same direction but Shinobu couldn't understand what Giyuu saw in the landscape. It was plain. There was nothing special about it.
Is this view more interesting than me? Shinobu thought. Is there absolutely nothing special about me?
Shinobu chewed the insides of her mouth. He knew of her existence and wanted to remain secluded. When she first found out he existed in the same world as her, she did everything to meet him. Like now. The only reason he showed any kind of emotional fluctuation was because he knew she existed and he expected not to see her in the same high school as him. Her radiating smile vanished and everything around her sunk into defeat.
"I missed you, Tomioka-san," she said, her voice trembled a little.
At that, he looked at her. She could feel his eyes on her. She wondered if he would be surprised at how upset she was.
But I bet you didn't miss me, she thought, knowing it was the truth.
"Kanae, who's that?"
Kanae looked at the direction to where her friend was pointing.
"Isn't that the guy who killed a demon?"
That's what everyone called him. It made Kanae uncomfortable, because she knew of a life when everyone around her were called demon slayers. Kanae looked at Sanemi anxiously watching her from afar, thinking he was unnoticeable. Seeing him made her feel a certain way, but it was a feeling that she desperately wanted to erase. He constantly made her feel guilty. From the first time that they met, he made her feel uncomfortable. He made her speechless. It wasn't until she heard his name that Kanae knew why.
Shinazugawa Sanemi. Not the most mentioned name that Kanae heard, but hearing his story made his heart ache. And Kanae knew that the Kochou Kanae from another life would've definitely cried her heart out for someone like him. Because it would've broken her heart.
"I'll see you guys later," Kanae said as she waved good bye to her friends and started walking on her own.
After a few steps, she turned the corridor and waited until Sanemi caught up to her. He brightened up as their eyes met and she smiled. He appeared at random times in her life, just to have some lousy conversation. Sometimes he was gasping for air like he ran from somewhere far away. Sometimes he was calm and collected like he had practiced the dialogues he was going to say. Either way, looking at him made her feel uneasy.
"Hi," Kanae said. After a beat, she added, "Sanemi."
His name sounded so strange. She had to consciously put effort into saying his name.
Sanemi seemed to notice every little hesitation that she seemed to do but he didn't comment on it, although it did seem to bother him that she found his name so unfamiliar and unused to. He looked at the pile of books in her arms and reached for it. Kanae was about to object and reject his kindness but they were already taken out of her hands before she knew it. He moved so swiftly and quickly.
"Do you do sports?" she asked, concluding that his athletic build and speed didn't appear out of nowhere.
"Kendo," Sanemi said. He seemed to be thinking about something.
Kanae guessed his thoughts, "Why? Is it because you were good with a sword in your past life?"
Sanemi smiled - another thing that Kanae could never get used to. "I actually don't know. I was already doing kendo before I remembered. And I didn't feel anything special about it," he shrugged. "I guess it's a coincidence."
Like us, Kanae thought. She knew about Shinazugawa Sanemi. No, she didn't exactly know his name but it was hard to not know a person with silvery white hair like him in school. It only was reminded now, but she did occassionally steal a glimpse of him in the hallways when she was in her first and second year. But the proximity wasn't close for her to feel the heartache that she did when they first locked eyes. Almost three years. Almost three years had passed until she even knew his name, until he even remembered her. It was all a coincidence. All a coincidence.
This time, Sanemi read her thoughts. "I don't think it was a coincidence. I would've surely remembered you at one point and I would've searched for you."
Kanae looked at him and simply smiled.
You're wrong, Kanae thought. He said it like she was someone special to him, that a person who shared the life that he did would make a vast difference in his life. He only remembered because he killed that demon with his own hands - probably a traumatic experience that triggered his deepest memories. He had never once did while they must've crossed a thousand paths in their entire high school life.
"Oh, do you want to meet Shinobu?" Kanae offered. "She doesn't talk about you often but she does speak highly of you."
"That's because you spoke highly of me to her," Sanemi said.
"I did?" she replied innocently.
"Yeah, you did," Sanemi said. "How's Shinobu? Is she healthy and fine?"
At that Kanae stopped. Sanemi halted too and looked at her, curiously. She looked up at him with her lips pressed together. He knew immediately that something was wrong. The expression she had was too familiar. He swallowed nervously and said in a low voice.
"Is there something wrong with Shinobu?" he whispered.
"Was it really that bad?" Kanae said. "Was it that bad that the first thing you ask about Shinobu is whether she's healthy and fine?"
The Shinobu that Sanemi remembered was the person that deteriorated her own body in order to kill a demon. Her blood was contaminated with poison for a very long time; for so long that her bodily functions were beginning to lose their primary roles for the last few months before the final battle. But he never once reduced her to the demon slayer that was sick and dying. Sanemi blinked at Kanae, unable to put his thoughts into words. He didn't know what Shinobu said to her sister - it was probably something to reassure her.
"She's not healthy but she's fine," Kanae finally answered, unable to stand his silence. "She gets sick very often and was born with a weak body, but she's fine."
Sanemi regretted everything but he knew that if he apologized right now, everything would get worse.
It became awkward between them. Kanae seemed all far away and closed up - even more than before. Sanemi gripped the books a little harder, scared that she might take it away from him and take away his only reason to be with her in this corridor. She didn't do anything. She simply started walking first and Sanemi followed. He knew he said all the wrong things now. To Kanae, Sanemi was just an uncomfortable stranger that knew too much about her.
Strangers, Sanemi thought.
It was a sensation that he had never felt in his life. Sanemi realized that Kanae had never once been a stranger to him. She never let that happen.
"Shinazugawa-san?"
Shinobu knew she would meet Sanemi at some point, since she knew of his existence in the school. Kanae had said his name in a strange tone of voice one day - "Shinazugawa Sanemi came up to me one day and hugged me." - and never spoke about him ever since. Shinobu simply nodded her head and gasped once in amusement. She didn't ask any questions because the way Kanae shrugged indifferently in bemusement was enough.
He looked up.
"Oh, hi Shinobu," he said.
They stared at each other on the stairs - she was above him and he was below her. The stairs that was leading to the rooftop. Leading to Tomioka Giyuu.
"Tomioka-san is quite popular, I see," Shinobu said as she opened the door for Sanemi.
"You first," Sanemi replied good-naturedly as he held the door and gestured.
A sense of camaraderie was between them, even though they had just met. Shinobu smiled because the familiarity made her feel happy. Finally, someone who remembered and treated her the same as they did when she had been alive. The wind slapped her face - it was quite cold but Sanemi seemed unbothered. They both stared at the other end of the rooftop, where Giyuu was staring at the horizon, camera in hand.
Neither of them moved. They just stared at Giyuu like he was a picture.
"Isn't it ironic?" Shinobu started. "You'd think Tomioka-san would stay under the covers and hate getting attention."
"Attention seeker," Sanemi scoffed. He side glanced at Shinobu. "Kanae said you were sick. Are you sick?"
"I'm not sick," she cried defensively. "I just catch the common cold more often than others. That's it."
"If you say so."
"Oneesan said you hugged her. Did you hug her?"
At that, Sanemi's ears burned bright red. He murmured something that resembled an apology and coughed dryly. "I thought she would hug me back," he said, clearly embarrassed and full of regret. "I'm never going to do it again, don't worry."
Probably aware of their presence, Giyuu looked back. Shinobu smiled and trotted up to him excitedly, almost bouncing. He lifted his camera to take a picture. The sound of the shutter didn't make Shinobu freeze, but Sanemi did, despite being so far away. Giyuu was about to turn away when Shinobu grabbed his arm - with a little more force than necessary because she had expected him to pull away. Giyuu blinked, staring at her as she made him stand still, facing her.
"Good afternoon, Tomioka-san," Shinobu said.
There was a pause before Giyuu said, "Good afternoon, Kochou."
Sanemi noticed how cold Giyuu was to Shinobu. Particularly to Shinobu, which was odd because Sanemi thought if there was anyone that Giyuu would be gentle to, it would be Shinobu. He approached Giyuu and leaned on the railing. He sighed, "I think Kanae hates me."
Shinobu laughed.
Then she stopped when she realized Sanemi was quite serious.
"What did you do?" she frowned. "It's almost impossible to be hated by her."
"I think she just finds me uncomfortable, which obviously isn't surprising considering that I sound like some stalker from her forgotten past," Sanemi said, clearly agonized. "What am I supposed to do? Just start all over?"
"What other choice do you have?" Shinobu said. She abruptly turned to Giyuu. "What do you think, Tomioka-san?"
He was staring down at his camera, checking the pictures he took. She peeked to see him linger for a second at the most recent picture he took - the one of her - before he quickly moved to the next one. Shinobu was just relieved he didn't delete it immediately. "I agree with Kochou," Giyuu said monotonously.
"Can I make her remember?" Sanemi said. "Do I need to reenact everything I did with her?"
"It won't be successful," Shinobu said. "Right, Tomioka-san?"
Giyuu nodded wordlessly.
Sanemi crumbled to the floor and covered his face in despair. "If I apologize, it's going to get worse right?" What would he even apologize for? Kanae would probably smile and say that it was okay, but she would only truly accept the apology if it came with a promise to never bother her again. He looked at Shinobu, who shrugged at Sanemi and reverted her eyes back to Giyuu, who was mindlessly going through the pictures.
"Shinobu," Sanemi called. "Is Kanae the exact same as her past life?"
"She's pretty much her own clone," Shinobu said. "Even though she thinks that she's entirely different."
Yes, Kanae was pretty much her own clone. Sanemi knew that. There was something about the way she talked, walked, acted that felt so Kanae. Even though Kanae felt so strange and distant, he knew it was her. He had never seen Kanae go to school before, but if she had, he knew she would've lived just like this. The thought made him smile. He didn't notice it, but Shinobu and Giyuu were both observing his face that moment.
He must really love her, they both thought in unison.
"Tomioka-san," Shinobu said. "What do you think? Is she really the same?"
"I haven't conversed with Kochou Kanae ever," Giyuu responded dreary voice. "And I probably never will."
Sanemi looked almost offended.
"Why?"
Giyuu stopped fidgeting with his camera, he let it go and immediately Shinobu reached her hand out to grab it before it fell to the ground. The fast reflexes cost her the few seconds of embarrassed laughter when she realized the camera was strapped around his neck and dangled far from the ground. She looked at Giyuu, who was surprisingly looking right back at her. Her laughter faded as she watched his eyes bore into hers.
"Because," he said. "It's not relevant anymore."
Sanemi barked something that sounded like an insult before standing up, brushing the dust off his pants. He rolled his eyes at Giyuu, mumbling, "You're going to regret saying that one day." He waved before stalking off, disappearing through the door.
Shinobu watched the door close before turning back to face the horizon, to see the same thing Giyuu was seeing. The rooftop felt like an odd place. She came here as often as possible - not too often, since this was Giyuu's personal space and she didn't want to invade too much. But when the sky was colorful and the wind was blowing, it just felt like an entirely differently place from the rest of school, where everything is closed off with windows and yellowed walls and it's always slightly warm. Sanemi seemed to like the windy part of this space, while Giyuu took a liking to the seclusion.
Shinobu simply liked it because Tomioka Giyuu was always there.
"Tomioka-san, my friends think you're weird," she said. She turned her face and scanned his face.
- shinobu-chan, why do you keep going to the rooftop?
- isn't the suicidal kid there?
Ask me, she thought. Ask me why they think you're weird. Talk to me. Shinobu pursed her lips and waited. She waited for long enough when she decided that Giyuu will never talk to her about this. He only talked when he was asked a question, an unavoidable conversation. Shinobu looked down at her shoes.
Kanae and Sanemi were strangers, and yet they had a relationship.
We're more than that and we don't even talk, she thought.
"Tomioka-san," Shinobu whispered. She didn't know it, but it was the same tone of voice that she had when she said she missed him. It was the tone that caught his attention and made him snap into reality. He looked at her. "Were we close? Would you say we were close?"
She wanted to know his thoughts.
Shinobu touched her arm self-consciously and didn't look at his direction. If she did, they would've locked eyes.
"It's up to you," Giyuu finally gave an answer.
"Is it?" Shinobu said, laughter escaping her lips.
That was when she felt Giyuu shift. He twisted around and leaned towards her direction. He placed a hand on the railing, the spot where her hands were fidgeting around. Their hands almost touched. Almost. Not quite. Shinobu stared down at his hands then slowly lifted her gaze. His body was facing the opposite direction as hers, but his face was looking to the side. At her.
Their line of vision tangled in the small space between them and broke when he raised his camera and took a picutre of something directly behind her.
Even after the picture, he didn't move away. She knew that this proximity was solely because he wanted to take a good picture of something, but he stayed still even after he let go of his camera and let it dangle from his neck. And moreover he was looking at her.
"Yes," Giyuu whispered.
"What?" Shinobu whispered back. There was no need to whisper, but because they were so close now, she felt the need to whisper.
"It is up to you," he spoke softly.
Shinobu searched his eyes, trying to read the thoughts behind him. He felt like someone who had no thoughts, who purposefully erased his thoughts every time he had the chance. But now she was starting to wonder if he just had too many thoughts instead that he was congested with more than he could handle. Too much. Shinobu wanted to poke him with a needle and see how many of those thoughts inside him were about her.
"Then," Shinobu said. "I'm going to conclude that we were close."
She stared at him intently, trying to see whether or not he would be even slightly happy about her conclusion.
"I see," he nodded.
It wasn't enough and she was greedy. She wanted more and she had a feeling that he was going to give her the answer that she wanted if she asked a little more. Shinobu smiled blindingly and said, "How close do you think we were?"
Giyuu stared at her. Something ran across his mind - something that was probably the answer. But Shinobu watched as he attempted to throw that thought away and pretend it never existed. He looked conflicted for a split second and then emotionless the next. He looked away.
"I don't know."
It sounded a little more terse and curt than he intended.
"I see," Shinobu said dryly. She shouldn't have asked that. She didn't want to see that expression on him.
That expression of regret.
"I don't want to leave any regrets behind in this life," Shinobu said.
"That's a vague goal," Kanae remarked.
"Is it vague? I thought it was the only clear goal in my life."
Kanae frowned a little but didn't say anything. Her sister's only clear goal in her life was some guy from her past life. And he wasn't anyone special. He was just some guy she never got close enough with that she felt regretful about. Someone who might never reciprocate.
"Do you think I'm being foolish?" Shinobu read her sister's thoughts.
"No," Kanae said. "I don't understand enough to judge anyone."
"Do you think Shinazugawa-san is being foolish?"
Yes, Kanae thought. Because this, she did understand. Because this, she was involved. He was waiting for someone that no longer existed. He was searching for something she didn't have - at least, anymore. The Kochou Kanae that he wanted was gone. And she would never be the perfect replacement, not when she didn't remember anything. Kanae looked up at the sky. It was quite saturated, despite being early morning.
"I feel repulsed every time I look at him," Kanae said quietly. "He makes me feel sad."
A few seconds passed and Kanae realized her mistake.
"Don't tell him I said that," she quickly said. "I don't want to hurt his feelings more than I already did."
Everything she did was pain in his eyes. The only thing she could give him was just pain.
"Don't you hate your past life?" Kanae started, an attempt to change the topic before Shinobu said anything more about Sanemi. "I hate your past life and I don't even know it." Everything she heard about her sister's past life broke her heart. She couldn't understand how her sister could cherish it with such delicacy. If it had been Kanae, she would've just pretended to never remember and live her life.
"No. It was who I was," Shinobu shrugged.
"It cost you too much," Kanae murmured. The reason why Shinobu was sick and had a weak body was a consequence of her past life - at least that's what Shinobu said and seemed to believe. If the reason why her sister always stayed at the hospital - that was why she came to school a month late; it took her some time to get discharged - was some kind of punishment for doing something that seemed so inevitable, then Kanae hated everything about her sister's past life.
"I pity my past life, that's why I want to be happier now."
"And your happiness lies in the one person that is in the center of your miserable past life," Kanae rolled her eyes, dissatisfied.
Shinobu laughed softly.
"If you say it like that, I do sound foolish," she admitted. "Well, in my defense..."
Shinobu's voice trailed away and she immediately brightened up.
"See you later, oneesan," Shinobu cried as she darted off, exclaiming, "Tomioka-san!"
Kanae watched as her sister dove into the crowd of identical uniforms, swimming through the third and second years until she finally reached her destination - Tomioka Giyuu. He looked at her nodded. Shinobu opened her mouth and seemed to be talking excitedly. How did her sister even recognize him in the midst of this many people? Why did she have so many things to say in such an excited manner?
And how dare that Tomioka Giyuu not respond with the same passion.
Kanae sighed, thinking it's not going to work.
The sun was setting for the seventh time. No, it was about to set for the seventh time. Kanae let herself get distracted. She was taking a break from her student council work in this exact moment to purposefully watch the sunset. This was her plan: enjoying the sunset all alone, by herself. The whole school felt empty to her - not really, she knew some teachers were still working and that students just like her were probably being overworked. But it was just enough to make her feel like she had the whole entire school to herself.
That was until she heard foot steps. Kanae crossed her arms and stared at the horizon, letting the sun sting her eyes.
She waited for the footsteps to become louder and fade away as the person went their way.
But instead, the footsteps abruptly stopped.
Kanae waited a few seconds before turning to the side, her arms still crossed. She blinked and her lips parted slightly, "Sanemi."
- she's fine.
The last conversation they had had ended on a bad note. She was aware of that. And it was just left like that for a while; Sanemi hadn't appeared in her life at random times anymore since then. And even now, she saw the way he looked perplexed and knew that he had no intention of running into her. He probably thought he was giving her the space and time she needed. Kanae didn't like how she made him feel guilty.
"Hi," she spoke first. Their last conversation had been a failure and she wasn't close enough with him to talk it out. She just had to glaze it over smoothly like it was nothing. "Were you doing kendo?"
He looked surprised that she started the conversation. Sanemi relaxed and smiled faintly as he looked down at his kendo uniform. "I was," he muttered. "I'm going home now." He looked up and their eyes met. Something in her heart was in pain.
Maybe she was smiling too artifically. He cleared his throat.
"I met Shinobu," he said.
"Oh, what was it like?" Kanae said. She did vaguely recall Shinobu saying something about Sanemi - Shinazugawa-san is the same - but Shinobu never dwelled to talk extensively about Sanemi. Kanae took half a step back, as if she was offering him to take a step forward into the sunlight. To watch the sunset. Together. It was a subconscious movement that neither recognized, but Sanemi had taken a step forward - closer.
"She seems great," Sanemi nodded. "And very happy. And healthy, too."
"Really?" the response came out a little bit more enthusiastic than intended. Kanae amended calmly, "That's good to hear."
At her smile, Sanemi smiled as well. "Yeah, well it's probably because of you. She really looks up to you."
Kanae laughed. "You'd expect that she would be mature with all the life experiences she remember but no, in my eyes, she's still a child." She watched the way Sanemi nodded understandingly and the way his eyes softened as he stared at the ground for a while, probably reminiscing something about Shinobu, before looking up.
He looked surprised that she was looking at him.
Kanae realized a few things in that moment. One, she was starting to become curious about Shinazugawa Sanemi. At first, it was just an attempt to ease their relationship but now, she genuinely wanted to continue the conversation. Two, he cared about Shinobu as much as her. It was strange to meet someone who knew and cared about her sister as much as her.
"Do you have siblings?" she asked abruptly.
Sanemi swallowed nervously and scratched the back of his neck. "Yes."
"Are you the oldest?"
"Yes."
"You seem like it," Kanae nodded.
An awkward silence settled between them. For some reason, Kanae had the intuition that Sanemi was going to leave soon. He was preparing to force his body to move. And she didn't want him to leave, yet. She wanted to ask him things about Shinobu - the things that she would never say it herself because she didn't want to worry her sister. Kanae took a deep breath and opened her mouth.
"Did Shinobu... cry a lot after I died?"
His expression shifted a little, sinking into sadness. "Yes, of course."
"Were you there?"
"Unfortunately," Sanemi said. "I wasn't there with her." He looked exhausted, as if just recalling the memory made him pained. Sanemi watched as Kanae nodded a little and didn't ask any more questions. Did she stop asking because she read the pain in his eyes, or simply because she didn't want to learn more about the pain she caused for her sister? Sanemi knew that Kanae asked that question to him because she couldn't ask Shinobu. Because she knew it would hurt her.
Did she know that it hurt him too?
Shinobu wasn't the only person that mourned.
The thought must've crossed Kanae's mind eventually, because she abruptly turned to him with an unreadable expression. The sun was slowly setting now - Sanemi stole a glimpse to see the sun split into two orbs of light before one started disappearing down the horizon. Oh, it's a twin sunset, Sanemi thought.
"I'm sorry, I was insensitive," Kanae quickly apologized.
Sanemi shook his head, letting the sun blind him. "It's fine."
Of course, she didn't know. She didn't know how much her death broke him, how much pain he lived in. She couldn't possibly imagine. He knew that in his head and his heart would never blame her for any of the pain she ever caused him. But he couldn't look at her, because if he stared for too long, he might be able to read through her.
The second half of the twin sunset was starting. Kanae looked at the the end of the horizon. Sanemi only then reverted his gaze to her. He saw the way she became so engrossed by the sunset and said, "I like sunsets, it makes me feel invisible." His voice sounded hollow and empty, like he was reciting something from a book.
"Invisible?" Kanae laughed. "That's a strange description."
"You said that to me," Sanemi said.
Kanae didn't say anything until the sun had completely set. Now it was dark. And it would stay this dark until the next sunrise - which was an hour away or so. She looked at him when she had nothing else to look at anymore. He was staring at her, not with a sad look or a wistful look. He had a curious look, as if her next reaction was very important to him.
"Did I?" Kanae said. "Well, I do like sunsets."
"You also liked tea," Sanemi said in a pleasant tone as he sighed and leaned back.
"I like tea," Kanae nodded. "But don't most people like tea?"
"And... you liked children," he said.
"Of course, children are so adorable!" she exclaimed, smiling.
Her enthusiasm seemed to amuse him. And the way he looked content amused her. They both looked at each other with a soft smile plastered on their faces. Maybe it was because she just saw the sunset and felt happy. Or maybe it was the strange intimacy that the dark corridor gave. Sanemi leaned back and seemed pensive for a moment before taking a few moments. Kanae simply waited, knowing that he was probably going to say something that amused her.
Would he say that she liked the flavor vanilla?
Ice cream probably wasn't an easy access in the world they lived in before.
Or perhaps he would say she liked -
"You liked me."
"Yes, I liked - "
She stopped talking. Kanae blinked and slowly looked at him. Her face started to turn bright red against her will. She wanted to say something witty but she couldn't. Sanemi watched the way she blushed and stuttered, her steps faltering. He laughed, much to Kanae's dismay and embarrassment. She looked at him and covered her face.
Maybe it was because it felt too sudden. It came out of nowhere and now it was filling up her head.
"Don't tease me," Kanae murmured.
It was definitely unexpected of him. Everytime they had talked, there had been some distance between them but now, all of that was gone. He felt too close, not in the physical way. He was still standing a few feet away and yet Kanae felt like if she moved even just a little bit, she would touch him. He smiled so comfortably. Oh, this proximity was comfortable for him. Were they this close?
Kanae pouted and looked away.
Was he always like this? Kanae thought.
You are the same, Sanemi thought. No, you're even more lovable.
He wanted to tell her that she did like him. She liked him so much that it turned his life upside down. Sanemi's smile morphed into bittersweetness. She had liked him to the point that he saw a completely different him in the reflection of her eyes. In her eyes, he was lovable. Even when he didn't return her feelings.
This was what you must've felt like, chasing me.
I guess it's my turn.