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Dazai was Chuuya’s first love.
Chuuya always wanted to remember it that way, he didn't know if it was true though.
Maybe they were both too young to understand what it meant.
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It was too fucking loud.
There were people talking wherever Chuuya looked, whispering amongst each other, it made him feel uneasy, he knew what was to come.
He shouldn’t be feeling like this though, this was a big day after all.
The Armed Detective Agency and The Port Mafia had called an official truce to all the fighting and tension between themselves in light of the new situation with Fyodoor Dostoyevsky. Due to this, Mori had gotten his act together and made it official and apparently, long-term. Everyone knew something was creeping around the corner, so a truce was the most logical approach.
Yet they still decided a party was in order for the two groups, and apparently one member of the group previously known as the guild. Though that was because a member of the ADA had invited him as their plus one.
Chuuya didn't bring a plus one. He didn't need one.
He sat alone at the bar sat on a snow coloured bar stool sipping what was apparently ‘the most expensive wine they had’. Although it was shit wine. Chuuya didn’t really care though, not tonight. That’s because he was there. One man Chuuya did not want to fucking see.
Dazai Osamu.
Chuuya tried to avoid all contact, but they would inevitably have an encounter tonight. Chuuya wasn’t taking any of Dazai’s shit anymore though.
At least that’s what he told himself.
That's what leads him to the bar, he had to pace himself though, he couldn't get too drunk. At least that’s what he tried to tell himself.
He let out a slow exhale of air, dropping his head onto his gloved right hand and grabbing a fistful of hair. He could already feel Dazai burning hole’s into his back planning what to say to Chuuya. It was always something completely unexpected every time.
The last time was only three weeks ago, The Dragon’s Head Conflict.
After Chuuya had used corruption, Dazai had practically forced his head into his lap telling him to rest. After, apparently he had gotten Akutagawa to find him and take him back to his apartment. Chuuya had entered his apartment completely exhausted and practically stumbling over himself, however he decided to hold off on the sleep for 20 minutes, he just needed to clear his head.
So, Chuuya dragged himself across his living room, and out onto his balcony lighting a cigarette. Though, maybe Chuuya should’ve just slept, as an unwanted visitor entered his apartment.
Chuuya’s heart had skipped a beat as Dazai walked through the door. Chuuya was half asleep and delirious, only running on nicotine and pain meds but he actually thought Dazai was here to see how he was. Or maybe to comfort him like he did when they were 15.
Despite his hope, his little fantasy was wrong.
It had been an entirely cold, one-sided interaction of Dazai talking at Chuuya about how he needed to ‘stop trusting in him’ and how he ‘has the power to take away his life every time he uses Corruption’ .
Chuuya was also certain Dazai had said that he ‘needed to stop grasping at every bit of attention he gave him’.
Though, not even a week before The Dragon’s Head Conflict, Dazai had run into Chuuya at the local supermarket by his apartment and had not left Chuuya alone; he had pestered Chuuya all day and even had him buy crab for his dinner, which Chuuya did not need to do.
There was no logical sense to anything Dazai was saying, but Chuuya was so tired and stunned to even talk back to Dazai, though Chuuya had also assumed that was his intention.
Get him in a state so he couldn't talk back.
He had spent the whole of the next day drinking, but he didnt cry, not once. He was never going to cry over him again.
Although, that never went well.
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“Chuuya… are you alright?”
Akutagawa had seen Chuuya curled in on himself and sat at the bar, he had already guessed why, but it wasn't his place to say anything.
“Fine Ryunosuke, just a bit stressed is all.”
Chuuya gave him a lazy smile that Akutagawa didn't know if he liked, but it didn't matter, not right now, he decided to just drop the subject.
“Just shout me if you need anything, I’m-”
“He’ll be fine Akutagawa, but thank you for showing your concern for my favourite ex-partner here! Or should I say current partner now? Who knows?”
Akutagawa's eyes widened and Chuuya’s face twisted as if in pain.
He had dropped his guard for not even 60 seconds to talk to Akutagawa and of course he moved over towards Chuuya. Akutagawa had already started walking away slowly, approaching Atsushi, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire between the two men.
Chuuya stared at Dazai with an unreadable expression on his face as he appeared to be predicting Dazai’s next move. Dazai only stared back at Chuuya until he began talking again, “So Chuuya how’ve you been? You look like crap right now if I do say so myself.”
Dazai grinned but Chuuya could barely muster up any reply, “I’ve been better.”
If Dazai was taken aback by the lack of remark from Chuuya, he didn't show it. He just decided to start talking at Chuuya again.
It reminded him of the same time three weeks ago, talking at him instead of to him. He spoke about the ADA and some members, how he found this little bakery around the corner from his work and how he managed to convince the woman running it he’s an army veterinarian, so she always gave him free doughnuts and a bunch of random crap Chuuya couldn’t care less about.
Dazai was just trying to get a reaction from Chuuya and Chuuya wasn’t giving in. Until he spoke about all the men and women he’d been sleeping with.
Is he showing off?
Chuuya couldn't care less if he was or not because every name Dazai had mentioned that wasn’t his own, a knife pushed deeper into his already open wound.
Chuuya felt exposed. His head was spinning and he couldn’t handle having this conversation with Dazai right now.
“Do you like just going around sucking the fucking spirit out of everyone?!”
Dazai’s whole body jolted. His eyes were wide and he certainly didn't expect Chuuya to react this way. Sure, he had anticipated some kind of reaction so maybe he is being unreasonable. He did push Chuuya. So, recomposing himself, he began to speak,
“Chuuya, now now, just listen-”
Dazai was cut off abruptly, “Why am I even asking, you like that shit, it makes you feel good, right?”
“What? Chuuya you know that's not true, come on-”
“It is fucking true,”
Chuuya stood up from his seat and looked around at everyone and raised his voice five times higher,
“Its all about fucking Dazai right?! You know what the fuck you’re doing, you act all innocent, like your just a fucking sweet little angel is innocent, sweet little fucking angel who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. You know what the fuck you’re doing!”
Gasps were heard amongst the room as most heads turned to see what was going on, Mori and Fukuzawa were already making their way over. Dazai and Chuuya had their problems for sure, but this was a new side that nobody had seen before. Including Dazai.
Akutagawa and Atsushi, stood very close to the pair, exchanging silent whispers on if they should take Chuuya or Dazai out of this equation. They were both dreading what words might come out of either of their mouths next.
Dazai sat there, jaw slightly hanging down looking at Chuuya in the face. He didn’t know what to say. One minute Dazai was rambling on about some girl named Sasaki, and the next Chuuya was jumping out of his seat, taking out 4 years of abandonment on him. He knew whatever he had to say wouldn’t make it better, but he was just trying to make Chuuya jealous. He knew his inconsistency in mood over the past few months had also affected Chuuya, but in all honesty, he wanted a normal life with him. He didn't want to send him over the edge when they spoke, or make him dread seeing him or, god forbid, hate him.
So, Dazai decided he could lure Chuuya out of his rambling. Chuuya was obviously under some alcoholic influence which would make it easier. Regardless, Dazai needed him to stop.
“Chuuya… I didn't mean to talk about all those people I’ve been with like that, I just- I wanted to… I don't know. I think I wanted to make you jealous, but Chuuya, I actually don't care about any of them, they mean nothing. Chuuya I love you.”
Fukuzawa and Mori had decided to quickly start filtering some people out of the room, they didn't need all their new colleagues seeing this catastrophe of an argument. Dazai had just taken it a step too far.
Because those were the worst three words Dazai could have chosen to utter from his mouth. Everyone fell into shocked silence, and Dazai half expected Chuuya to as well, but he was wrong. He wasn't getting out of this one with a half hearted ‘i love you’.
Because if Dazai had ever really loved Chuuya, he wouldn't have said it for the first time in four years again in front of all their subordinates and colleagues at a work party to ‘calm Chuuya down’.
Chuuya knew this so soon as Dazai had said that Chuuya started laughing.
It was a laugh almost as terrifying as Arahabaki, but this one felt more chilling, cold. Maybe it was just Dazai who saw it that way, because clearly his plan hadn’t worked.
“Love me? No the fuck you dont. You love being loved .”
Chuuyas' tone was bitter and he had no remorse left for Dazai. He understood everything now, it was so clear. Dazai had left Chuuya on his own after bringing him into the Port Mafia, and left for a dead man. Chuuya meant less to Dazai than someone who wasn’t even living anymore. He would always be second place in Dazai’s heart if Dazai ‘loved him’ as he was suggesting.
Dazai had been fucking with Chuuya for too long. He did not want this ‘bond’ or ‘relationship’ or whatever they had anymore. He was done.
“You’re just a fucking greedy whore, who just likes sucking the life out of people!”
Chuuya stepped closer to Dazai’s face so they were only inches away,
“And it fucking hurts Dazai!”
Chuuya had started crying at some point and he realised salty tears were running down his face as he could feel them fall off onto his clothing. Dazai’s eyes had started to swell slightly and he looked down at his hands talking barely a whisper, “I love you.”
“No you don't. Stop saying that! You. Don't. Love. Me!”
Chuuya backed off for a moment and took a breath before he began again, “You fucking left me,”
His finger was pointed in Dazai’s direction and he started to feel his throat close up, “When I fucking needed you! You fucking left me, when I was at my fucking low-”
He started hyperventilating, and anyone could see Chuuya was shaking. Akutagawa started to step forward, he hated seeing Chuuya in pain like this. However, Atsushi grabbed his hand and said they looked about done and waited a second. So reluctantly he stayed. But Chuuya was still breathing heavily and decided to talk again,
“You fucking left me at my fucking lowest. I hope you’re proud of that.”
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Dazai started at Chuuya. He observed his facial expressions and body language, how heavy he was breathing and Dazai watched as each of Chuuya’s tears spilled out of his eyes and streamed down his cheeks. As it had been established already, Chuuya was drunk. Unfortunately, this didn't mean this wasn't how Chuuya truly felt.
Dazai still wasn’t sure how to react to all this. His own eyes were filled with tears that didn't spill and was also slightly trembling. Was he meant to comfort Chuuya? Deny all Chuuya said? He briefly scanned the faces of everyone in the room, and Atsushi looked the most disappointed. He never wanted Atsushi to look at him like that.
Akutagawa looked furious. Akutagawa always tried to stay neutral between Chuuya and Dazai but Chuuya was in such a state Akutagawa could no longer make excuses for his old mentor.
Kunikida looked like he felt sorry for Chuuya, but he also looked pissed off at Dazai.
Gin had their arm on Higuchi’s shoulder, both looking at Dazai with disgust.
Mori looked shocked at the outburst but Fukuzawa looked at Dazai with irritation.
Nobody was pleased with him. The only two who didn't seem interested were Ranpo and Poe, as Ranpo took the opportunity to steal sweets while everyone was arguing and Poe and Karl were having to restrain him from getting more.
A few moments of silence had passed and Chuuya looked at Dazai one last time before turning around and walking out of the room.
And Dazai let him.