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The din of the high school cafeteria slowly faded into the background as Alfred carried his tray of pepperoni pizza out to the courtyard picnic tables. He surveyed the bustling tables, looking for the best option. Maskless students chattered happily as they devoured their lunches. A few of Alfred’s nerdy friends caught his glance and waved him over to a picnic table in the corner.
“Hey, guys!” Alfred grinned and waved back. Weaving between the tables, he made his way past the tables full of jocks and the drama club nerds.
As he walked by the AP kids, a voice called to him from the side, “Alfred, would you be willing to help me by participating in a psychology study? It’ll only take a few minutes.”
Alfred paused and turned to glance at his classmate Mei. “Maybe. What’s it about?”
“I’m researching the effect of short-term monetary incentives on long-term changes in interpersonal relationships,” she explained.
“Uh.” Alfred stared at her blankly. “What?”
“That means you can get paid for participating, depending on your answers.”
“Oh, okay.” Alfred grinned. “Guess I got a few minutes.”
“Great! Thanks for helping.” Mei gestured to an empty table. They sat across from each other. Mei opened her notebook and pulled out a pen while Alfred took a bit of his pizza. “So, to start with, I need you to identify someone you know well and dislike,” Mei began.
“Pfft. That’s easy. Arthur Kirkland,” Alfred replied as he continued chewing.
“How would you rank your dislike on a scale of one to five, with one being mild dislike and five being extreme dislike?”
Alfred took another bite of pizza. “Oh, definitely five.”
“What don’t you like about him?”
“Like, everything.”
“Could you be a little more specific?” Mei asked.
“Yeah, I guess.” Alfred chewed for a few moments. “Arthur’s a stuck-up know-it-all and he acts like an old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn.”
Mei nodded. “Okay, you’ve identified the subject. Now, for the second part of the study, I’ll pay you one dollar for each compliment you’re willing to make about Arthur.”
Alfred nearly dropped his pizza in surprise. “One dollar… per compliment?”
“Mmm-hmm.” Mei nodded again.
Alfred grimaced. “Uh, is it too late to change to a different person?”
She shook her head. “Sorry, that would violate the study protocol.”
“Damn.” Alfred sighed.
“So… should I put you down as zero compliments?” Mei asked, her pen hovering over a blank sheet of paper.
Alfred slowly shook his head. “No, I think I can manage a few. Just to get some stuff from the Dollar Menu, you know.” He took another bite of pizza. “Well, I guess an easy one—even I’ll admit that Arthur’s smart. Gets good grades and stuff.”
1. Smart, Mei noted on the page. “Anything else?”
“Um, sometimes when he insults me I have to go look it up afterward because he knows a shit ton of curse words.”
Mei raised an eyebrow. “Is that really a compliment?”
Alfred shrugged and continued nibbling his half-eaten slice of pizza. “I think so. His sarcasm is actually pretty funny.”
“I’ll put that down as ‘witty,’” Mei said as she added it to the list.
“And he’s not a quitter,” Alfred added, on a roll. “Especially when he’s fighting against something I want.”
3. Determined.
“Oh, and speaking of fighting—I’ve heard he’s faced down guys twice his size. I know I wouldn’t pick a fight with him.”
4. Good fighter.
Alfred gazed off into the distance. “Plus, he doesn’t care what people think about him.”
“What would you call that?” Mei asked, tapping her pen against the table.
“Confidence?” Alfred suggested.
5. Confident.
“That’s five,” Mei added. “Any more?”
Alfred hesitated for a second. “Well, uh, girls always say he has a cute accent, I guess.”
6. Cute accent.
“Oh, and he’s real good at playing the guitar.”
7. Skilled musician.
“Nice singing voice, too,” Alfred added, almost to himself.
8. Good singer.
“Anything else?” Mei asked as she glanced up from the list.
“Um, he’s…” Alfred flushed slightly and then quickly shook his head as he finished the crust of the pizza. “Nah, that’s all I got. You know, since you’re paying me.”
“Well, that’s eight total. Thanks for your help!” Mei counted out eight dollars and handed them over. Alfred quickly folded them, stuck them into his pocket, and joined his nerdy friends at their picnic table.
“What was that about?” Eduard asked.
“Nothing much. Just a psych experiment,” Alfred replied as he bit into his slice of pepperoni pizza. “So… beat Elden Ring yet?” he asked and the table happily spent the remaining 20 minutes of lunch break eagerly discussing the latest video games.
Far from the lunchtime crowd, Arthur sat reading Pride and Prejudice on the benches near the school’s educational herb garden. He glanced up from his book as he heard steps approaching.
“Arthur, would you mind helping me by participating in a psychology study?” Mei asked politely. “It’ll only take a few minutes.”
Arthur placed his finger on the page to hold his place. “This is for your final project for AP Psychology?” he asked. “Shouldn’t you be using randomized participants?”
“For the first portion, yes, but the participants in the second portion shift based on what subjects said earlier because I’m studying interpersonal relationships.”
“What about them in particular?” Arthur asked suspiciously.
“The effect of short-term monetary incentives on long-term changes in interpersonal relationships,” Mei explained.
Arthur raised an eyebrow. “So… there’s a financial incentive for participation?”
“Depending on your answers, yes.”
“Alright, I suppose I have a few minutes to spare.” Arthur slipped his bookmark between the pages and gently set the book on the bench next to him.
“Thanks!” Mei joined him on the bench and pulled out her notebook and pen. “Sorry if these questions are a little silly, but I need to follow the survey script. Do you know Alfred Jones?” she asked.
“Yes.” Arthur sighed. “Unfortunately.”
“Do you dislike him?”
“Very much so.”
“How would you rank your dislike on a scale of one to five, with one being mild dislike and five being extreme dislike?” Mei asked.
“Five. Obviously.”
“What don’t you like about Alfred?”
Arthur arched his impressive eyebrows. “I thought you said this study would take just a few minutes?”
“A sentence or two is fine.”
“Normally I wouldn’t insult a fellow student on school grounds in the middle of the school day, but, since this is for science… Alfred is an annoying, self-absorbed, gormless halfwit without a single original thought in his brain.”
“Okay.” Mei nodded. “Now, for the second part of the study, I’ll pay you one dollar for each compliment you’re willing to say about Alfred.”
Arthur snorted. “You were right. This will be a short survey. And I have to congratulate you on your study design—that’s a clever way to offer the possibility of a financial incentive without actually having to pay out.”
“So, no compliments?”
“Correct. I cannot think of a single nice thing to say about Alfred.”
“Interesting.” Mei glanced down at her notes. “Would your willingness to offer a compliment change if I told you that Alfred earned $8 from compliments about you?”
Arthur pulled back in surprise. “Eight compliments? About me?”
“That’s right.”
“You’re sure it wasn’t some other Arthur?” he pressed.
“Yes. Positive.”
“Hmm.” Arthur frowned. “Who knew he could be bribed so easily? Still… I suppose it can’t be that hard to think of a few nice things to say,” he grudgingly admitted. Arthur leaned over to the side and casually tried to read the notes in Mei’s notebook. She blocked his view and flipped to a blank page.
“So… do you have a compliment or not?”
“Yes, give me a moment.” Arthur tapped his fingers on the bench. “Well, he’s strong. Physically speaking. I mean, a car stalled in the student parking lot and he moved it all by himself. That’s impressive.”
1. Strong, Mei jotted down in her notebook. “Anything else?” she asked.
“I guess… he’s good with technology. Even if it is completely unnecessary to make fun of my poor flip phone.”
2. Good with technology.
“Let’s see…” Arthur tapped his chin. “I once saw Alfred climb a tree to rescue a cat. It ended up scratching him and running down the tree on its own, but I suppose it’s the thought that counts.”
“What would you call that?” Mei asked.
“Kindness, I suppose.”
3. Kind.
“He’s always very cheerful,” Arthur said dourly. “Despite the world being a horrible piece of crap heading toward hell in a handbasket.”
4. Cheerful.
“And he takes insults in stride. Like water off a duck’s back.” Arthur watched as Mei struggled to come up with a short description. “Easy going,” he suggested, which was added to the list.
“That’s five,” Mei said. “Anything else?”
“He can be rather charming when he wants something.”
6. Charming.
“And,” Arthur flushed slightly, “girls seem to find him attractive.”
7. Attractive.
“Any other compliments?” Mei prodded after a few moments of silence.
“Yes. Just need two more.” Arthur furrowed his eyebrows in thought. “Alfred hangs out with jocks and nerds and band geeks and doesn’t seem to worry about popularity contests.”
“Would you call that confidence?” Mei suggested with a sly grin.
“Yes,” Arthur agreed. He frowned. “What’s so funny?”
Mei shook her head and smiled to herself as she added Confident to the numbered list. “Nothing. Well, that’s eight, unless you’ve got something else?”
“I think he always wants to do what’s right, even if he’s not sure what the right thing is,” Arthur said softly. “That’s bravery, I guess.”
9. Brave.
The final lunch bell rang and Arthur jumped to his feet. “Nine is enough to beat him, so we’ll call that good.”
Mei counted out nine dollar bills and handed them over. “Thanks, Arthur!”
“You’re welcome.” Arthur tucked the dollars into his pocket. He turned and hurried away. In his rush to get to class, Arthur forgot his book on the bench.
After final bell ran, the hallways jostled with excited students, eager to head home. With his backpack dangling from one shoulder, Alfred easily made his way through the crowd until he arrived at Arthur’s locker near the chemistry classroom. He tapped Arthur on the shoulder and held up a book as Arthur whirled around in surprise.
“Mei and I have math together and she asked me to give you this,” Alfred explained. He pressed the book into Arthur’s unresisting hands.
“Oh. Uh… thank you,” Arthur replied, his voice slightly muffled behind his mask. He turned back to his locker and stuck the book into his backpack.
“Normally I wouldn’t, but you kinda earned me some money today, so I figured I’d be nice.” Alfred leaned against the neighboring locker and smirked at Arthur. “Guess it must not be a very good book if you forgot about it.”
“I had other things on my mind,” Arthur muttered.
“Like coming up with compliments about me for Mei’s study?” Alfred asked with a grin.
Arthur grunted noncommittally.
“It must have been way easier for you. I mean, there are so many cool things to say about me.”
“What, like how modest you are?” Arthur snarked as he finished loading his textbooks into his backpack. He lifted his backpack and swung it onto his back. Arthur closed and locked his locker, then turned to meet Alfred’s gaze. “Though you should be a little more modest, considering that I beat you.”
“Really?” Alfred acted surprised. “What’d you say about me?”
“Oh no, I’m not giving these away from free. You’ll need to pay me if you want to hear them. One dollar per compliment.” Arthur didn’t wait for a response as he casually strolled towards the nearest exit. He chuckled to himself as he heard Alfred’s footsteps rushing to catch up with him.
“Maybe a trade?” Alfred suggested once he caught up with Arthur. They each opened their own side of the double doors as they left the school. Arthur took off his mask and breathed in the fresh spring air.
“That wouldn’t be a fair trade,” Arthur noted. “Since mine are worth a dollar more. Besides, why would it even matter to you?”
Alfred slowed down and laughed nervously. “You’re right. I was just… curious. It doesn’t matter. Whelp, you have your book, so mission accomplished.” Alfred pointed two finger guns in the air, then turned and started to walk away.
Arthur grimaced and internally kicked himself. “You’re strong!” he said loudly, before Alfred had taken more than a few steps. “I mean, that one was obvious.”
“Yeah?” Alfred slowly turned around. He lifted his right arm and proudly posed with a curled bicep. “That’s why I always say my favorite astronaut is Neil Arm…strong.”
“My god.” Arthur groaned. “This is why I didn’t compliment your sense of humor,” he muttered. Alfred laughed and they resumed walking together towards Arthur’s house.
“I complimented yours,” Alfred admitted as they turned left onto a tree-lined residential street. “Sometimes I like that snarky dry wit.”
“Yes, because it’s actually funny.”
“Yeah. And I don’t know anybody who knows more curse words than you.”
Arthur raised his eyebrows. “Mei actually accepted that as a compliment?”
“It was part of the humor one.”
“I see.” Arthur chuckled dryly. “She was rather flexible in her definitions, wasn’t she? I said you were kind for rescuing that cat, even if I still think it was a bit daft.”
“Hey, you can’t argue with success!” Alfred insisted. They both paused and checked for cars before crossing the street.
Arthur rolled his eyes. “Scratched up arms hardly count as success.”
“Ah, I didn’t know you cared,” Alfred teased as he elbowed Arthur in the side.
“I don’t! I would just hate to think of the liability for the school if you fell out of a tree and broke that empty little skull of yours. You Americans love to sue.”
“Well, at least we drive on the right side of the street.”
Arthur crossed his arms and glared.
Alfred just grinned back. “You hate that I’m technically correct. The best kind of correct.”
“Yes, well, you promised me compliments and this is still just a bunch of insults.”
“Okay, fine.” Alfred lifted his hands in appeasement. “I also said that you played the guitar well and you’re a good singer.”
Arthur jolted to a halt and gaped. “How did you… When have you ever heard me play?” he demanded.
“You gave some mp3s to Kiku for sound editing, remember? And he wanted a bit of help with Audacity,” Alfred explained.
“He wasn’t supposed to share those,” Arthur muttered as he resumed walking.
“I’d never heard Greensleeves before. It’s real pretty.”
“It is a lovely song,” Arthur agreed. “And… you did a good job helping Kiku. It sounded much better when he sent back the file.”
Alfred beamed with pride. “It was in good shape. Just needed to clean up some noise and do a little audio balancing between your voice and the guitar.”
“Yes, well, I did say you were good with technology,” Arthur admitted with a slight smile.
“Does that even count as a compliment coming from you?” Alfred wondered. “Like, you’re probably impressed I can change the time on my microwave.” He laughed as Arthur slapped him lightheartedly on the shoulder. “Come on, man. Give me a real compliment. Not that back-handed shit you do all the time.”
“Fine!” Arthur tossed up his hands. “I said you were cheerful and easy going and extremely confident.”
Alfred’s chest swelled with pride and his smile widened. “Yeah, that’s the stuff.”
“You’re incorrigible,” Arthur muttered as he picked up the pace. They reached the end of the street. Arthur started to cross it, but Alfred reached out and grabbed his shoulder.
“Uh, Arthur?” he asked, glancing at Arthur in confusion. “Isn’t your house back that way?” Alfred gestured at a gated house they had walked past four houses ago.
Arthur flushed in embarrassment. “Right,” he said as he turned around. They headed back towards Arthur’s house as Arthur kept his eyes firmly planted on the sidewalk.
When they reached the locked gate, Alfred stepped in front of Arthur and blocked his path on the sidewalk. “Hold on. You still owe me some compliments.”
“They’re not important,” Arthur insisted. He started to move around Alfred, but Alfred reached out and gently rested his hands on Arthur’s shoulders.
“Really?” Alfred smiled knowingly. He gazed at Arthur and his smile softened. “I said you were confident, too. And determined and a hell of a fighter.” He took a deep breath. “And… you’re smart and have a cute accent.”
Arthur stood frozen in surprise. His breath caught in his throat as he held Alfred’s gaze. From the way Alfred was looking at him… suddenly, Arthur had no trouble at all thinking up new compliments. It would have been an easy dollar to praise those gorgeous blue eyes and another dollar to rhapsodize about that stunning smile. Alfred’s eyes drew closer and closer until Arthur felt himself sinking into them. Except, instead of sinking, he was tilting his head upward and floating on the wings of the butterflies in his stomach. Arthur’s eyes fluttered shut as their lips gently pressed together. Arthur let the soft gentleness last for a few seconds before he titled his head to the side and hungrily demanded more.
By the time Arthur was finished kissing him senseless, Alfred’s cheeks were bright red and his glasses were covered in smudges. “Wow.” Alfred grinned as he caught his breath and let go of Arthur’s shoulders. “And I was worried you might punch me!”
Arthur quirked his lips upward in amusement. “I like to keep my options open,” he said, regaining some of his aplomb.
“You know, this kinda sucks.” Alfred pouted.
Arthur’s stomach dropped. “What does?” he demanded.
“If I’d known what a good kisser you were, I could have earned another dollar!”
“Oh.” Arthur sighed in relief and shook his head. “It’s probably just as well. If you said that, I think Mei would have realized sooner how unreliable self-reported data are.”
“I guess.” Alfred’s grin widened as he leaned against the fence. “You know, I’m still waiting on the rest of my compliments.”
“Is that so?” Arthur stepped around Alfred and punched in the digital code to open the gate. He walked through and smiled mischievously as he closed the gate behind him—leaving Alfred on the other side. “Well, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to wait until we've had an actual date.”
“Hey!” Alfred protested. “That’s not fair.”
“In some areas, all is fair,” Arthur reminded him. He turned and walked up the pathway to his house, leaving Alfred to ponder his parting words.
Alfred waited until Arthur had stepped inside. After a few wistful moments, he turned and headed home. As he ambled along, he pulled out his cellphone and stared once more at the most recent picture. Alfred probably should have felt bad for sneaking a look at Mei’s notebook and taking a picture when she went to the bathroom, but it was hard to feel too much guilt with the sweet taste of Arthur still lingering on his lips. In time he’d get Arthur to say them out loud, but, for now, it was enough to know that Arthur thought he was charming, attractive, and brave. And, truth be told, a bit smarter than Arthur gave him credit for.