Chapter Text
When Junhyung first joins the company, he feels—alone.
There is not a single word better suited to describe his state of mind - he is but sixteen years old, just one of a thousand people trying to chase an impossible dream, and on his first day, he steps into the empty practice room, stares into the mirror, and wonders whether he is even cut out for this.
For this life he imagines, dreams about, of being an idol, a singer and a dancer, someone with a passion for music so great that it shines through in every single performance.
He does not know it, then, that this fear will never leave him be - forever this constant worry that he is making the wrong decisions, choosing to work hard for dreams that will never be a match for reality, and that all of his efforts will eventually lead to nothing.
He does not know it, then, but even the brightest spirits are easily crushed underneath the pressures of an audience, of teachers criticizing your every move, wrong or right, of monitoring your progress - or more importantly, lack thereof.
In the end, that is what he is most afraid of - failing, or failing to become who he needs to be to achieve his highest goals.
It is a little ridiculous, to think of failing on the first day of a rather long journey, especially when the path towards this first day alone was anything but easy. And maybe, Junhyung is a little crazy, too, laughing at himself in the mirror.
He is just a kid when it comes down to it - a kid just different enough from most of his peers to take a risk, though not so different after all now that he is here, his peers now budding dancers and singers just, and Junhyung among them, more lost than anybody else.
It will take some getting used to, trying. But that does not mean that it is an impossible feat.
So, Junhyung breathes through it, and moves forward.
Onwards into the future with his head held high.
—
Hwang Dongjun joins the company with a laptop full of songs and too much unsettling quiet to allow other people to figure him out at first glance.
Junhyung hears about him, how he is debuting soon, but even when Junhyung uses the opportunity to start a conversation with him, Dongjun is not all too responsive, not very talkative. Junhyung accepts rather early on that he must let Dongjun come to him, make sure to be his nicest, kindest self, not too insistent to make a friend like Junhyung usually intends whenever there is someone new joining them.
It takes Dongjun about a month to warm up to him. By then, they have already been sent to their first survival show, just the audition at first—an audition that Junhyung passes, by some divine miracle. Dongjun does not, and although it feels like a big deal to Junhyung, Dongjun is not at all too sad about it.
It is then that they have their first real conversation that goes beyond polite greetings and awkward smiles, or the occasional sympathetic glance after a particularly tough dance lesson.
“I just wanna do my music,” Dongjun tells him that same night, his laptop open on some files with odd names - working titles, as Dongjun explains, none of which have anything to do with the songs they belong to. “That show is a waste of time, anyway.”
And as it turns out, it is - Junhyung finds that out the hard way when he is eliminated in the first round, disappointed that he could not share more of himself or his skills - which is fine, he knows he is still lacking in so many ways, has long ones to go still, but that does not mean that he is feeling any better about his failure.
Surprising him, though, Dongjun sits down next to him when Junhyung returns to the dorm that night, the news already having spread everywhere Junhyung assumes. In an all-time first, Dongjun is speaking before Junhyung can take the initiative, just slow enough from exhaustion and a crippling self-confidence not to get a word out.
“It’s okay, bro,” Dongjun says, in English even. It catches Junhyung so off guard that he starts to laugh. Dongjun does not surprise him any more that night, just returns to his room to sleep. And the funniest thing, Junhyung does feel a little better, reassured from such a small display of sympathy.
Junhyung does not know it, then, but this strange interaction is what kicks off a friendship, the course of which he cannot yet predict. Dongjun’s true personality begins to shine from then on, and with it, his tendency to make Junhyung’s life as a soon-to-be-leader a lot more difficult.
(That is a decision, too; Junhyung becoming a leader. Something about seniority, compassion, and the willingness to lead. There is a strange thrill running through Junhyung whenever he thinks about this role that has been thrust upon him so suddenly, and a part of him recognizes it as a familiar fear, pricking him as if thorns in his side.)
Still, Junhyung would not exchange him for anyone else, despite continuous torments. He knows that Dongjun will be a great addition to the group they are going to be someday. For now, however, it is just them and a few other question marks training with them, the future yet uncertain enough that Junhyung thinks there might be no group at all.
Junhyung does not dwell on that thought, though, not tonight. He goes to bed instead, choosing to get some rest for the day to come.
Training to shoulder the weight of the future.
—
Things do not take a drastic turn when Kim Suhyun joins the company towards the end of 2018 - although at first, Junhyung gets the inkling that they will.
Kim Suhyun is a good dancer, a very good one, tall, though not too tall, and definitely handsome enough to turn the heads of many of the other trainees - Junhyung included, except he hopes his staring is not seen as any more than friendly interest.
There is something about Suhyun that has Junhyung stop in the doorway when he sees him for the first time, just ten minutes before a dance practice he is supposed to be leading, but all of his thoughts fly out of his head and he loses all sense of coordination, tripping over his own two feet in the most inelegant manner possible.
Dongjun cannot be trusted not to laugh at him, so Junhyung whips his head around to see if he has arrived to practice yet - and is relieved to find that he has not - only this new guy looks at him curiously, obviously trying to hold back his laughter.
It is not his best first impression, but Junhyung supposes it could be worse. It would not be the first and not the last time he is going to embarrass himself in front of pretty boys - he might as well embrace this part of himself.
Suhyun, unlike Dongjun, does not take too long to warm up to everyone else - he is quite popular even, especially as more and more people join and he becomes their hyung of choice. Both Dongjun and Junhyung have been here long enough to see people come and go, leaving them the eldest trainees Maroo has to offer, though Suhyun tends to win the running for favorite hyung very easily, very quickly.
Dongjun is out of the question in nine out of ten cases - the only new trainee he has won over is their youngest as of yet, Jinwoo, who is just barely fourteen years old, joining them in early 2019. Jinwoo has a budding interest in different musical genres that Dongjun fosters almost immediately, and it works, despite the five years between them.
Junhyung would not say that the relationships he has with most trainees is bad in any sense of the word - but he has a role to play, one that he intends to play well so they might all have a chance at debuting, and thus, he often overcompensates.
So he runs strict dance practices - keeps everyone focused, shuts down nonsense threatening to waste their time, raises his voice when someone is being purposefully disruptive.
Naturally, Junhyung does not expect to win a popularity prize anytime soon. Dongjun actually keeps a record of all the times he has cried after one of Junhyung’s practices, and although Junhyung usually apologizes and promises to be a little less hard on everyone, Dongjun just goes to make fun of him and calls it payback.
In the end, Junhyung only wants them to succeed, even if he has a tough way of showing it.
For that reason alone, Junhyung is actually kind of glad that Suhyun lightens the load for the younger ones, making everything seem not as intense and demanding as it actually is - if he wanted to, he could run his own practices, probably with a much more light-hearted approach, though Junhyung’s seniority and knowledge of how this company likes to run everything has granted him a spot he admittedly would be unwilling to give up.
But Junhyung has seen how Suhyun spends his free time going through difficult steps with those who require some more help, and happily too, though Junhyung supposes he must be as tired as Junhyung often feels after practices.
He spots a certain dedication to the craft, a definite passion, and more often than not, it is Suhyun who stays as late as Junhyung does, and given that their company does not have all that many practice rooms to offer, they end up sharing the space.
Junhyung tries and fails to not feel as giddy as he does - it is easy to get swept up in all of Suhyun, far too easy when you are just barely eighteen years old, with neither the time nor the permission to freely date and explore as he pleases.
Only Junhyung is well-versed in hiding his true feelings, and definitely something so inconvenient as a crush. He has had a lot of those, both somewhat realistic ones (do not ever tell Dongjun) and the kind he dreams about, on celebrities and idols and people he looks up to, so practicing with Suhyun should be a piece of cake, truly.
And it is, for the most part. It is, until the company picks out the two of them to join Park Jihoon’s backup dancers, and Junhyung considers it practice for the real thing, performing in front of actual audiences - and although these people are not coming to see them dance, Junhyung is excited, elated even.
And nervous, to be sure. There is a great difference between commanding a practice room full of trainees and a crowd full of people, though there is some relief to the fact that Jihoon will be the center of attention, and any mistakes Junhyung is going to make shall be more easily forgiven as long as he does not make Jihoon himself look bad.
It is impressive, too, how Suhyun was chosen alongside him despite not having been at the company for nearly as long as Junhyung has - except it is obvious how Suhyun must have been shining during evaluations, and it does not take much out of Junhyung to admit that if it had been up to him to decide, he would not have wasted his breath on any other name than Suhyun’s.
He would, however, bite himself in the ass for that.
Because dancing for Jihoon meant even more practices to fit into an already air-tight schedule, and spending more and more time getting acquainted with Kim Suhyun.
Which, overall and in theory, really was not such a bad thing at all. Junhyung likes to be friendly with his fellow trainees, even if most of them see him as an authority figure more than anything else.
So far, though, he and Suhyun may be friendly but they are not friends, and Junhyung has yet to get past his attraction towards Suhyun.
He doubts being together with him for the majority of his day will help his situation - in fact, it may just make it worse.
Because, see, one moment Suhyun is asking him to monitor a run through the choreography of ‘Press Your Number’ by Lee Taemin, and in the other, Junhyung is being crowded against the wall of the practice room, having the living daylights kissed out of him by none other than Kim Suhyun.
It is a surreal experience, being the observer of Suhyun’s poise and passion, of the devotion he puts into executing the choreography of his favorite artist - and ending up catching the smirk in the mirror as Suhyun is on the floor, leaning up on his hand and thrusting forwards as the dance dictates, and Junhyung has to swallow and look away, just for a moment of respite.
But Suhyun, Junhyung learns, is a rightful menace and the devil incarnate, so he stops when he notices Junhyung’s eyes gone from his body, and stands up, asking,
“Are you well, Junhyung-ssi? You look a little flustered.”
Suhyun, as it turns out, knows exactly what he is doing at all times - quite the observer himself, he must have taken note of lingering eyes, despite Junhyung’s best efforts to act against his urges, against that pull of Suhyun drawing him in.
There is not a single part of him resisting it now, making out with Suhyun in the middle of the night.
Suhyun kisses like he wants to make him worse, ruin him even.
If this is what it feels like to be ruined, then Junhyung shall embrace his fate happily.
—
Nothing changes.
Nothing of note, anyway.
Junhyung has always believed that a kiss is tied to romantic intentions, a relationship, though their circumstances forbid them from those, and Suhyun does not suddenly look at him as though he was in love.
Junhyung is unsure whether to be disappointed or not; especially because Suhyun still keeps kissing him every opportunity he gets, which are not all too many strewn about their busy week. It is difficult to pull himself away from those enticing lips, to regain some form of sense and rationality, because Suhyun is all-encompassing whenever he is close enough to touch, taking over all of Junhyung in a matter of seconds.
In front of everyone else, however, this alluring demon is so harmless that Junhyung nearly receives whiplash from it. Junhyung would call it professionalism, almost, and perhaps enough tact not to act indecently before unsuspecting witnesses.
It is not like Junhyung expects anything else, as he would insist on it himself if Suhyun and he were to discuss this - whatever this is - though a part of him still feels like something should have changed between them.
Junhyung definitely enjoys what they are doing, and he is getting better at taking the initiative when it comes to their private meetings - he is, after all, guilty of pulling Suhyun into the next best empty room too, especially when he feels all kinds of worked up and needs some form of release.
Which Suhyun is all too happy to provide.
If they were in a romantic movie, these would be forbidden moments, stolen away out of the day, but they are not, and Junhyung needs to face reality and talk about this with Suhyun. As a future leader, Junhyung ought to have the courage and the right mind to confront and communicate, resisting temptation.
But what is Junhyung, if not a horny eighteen-year-old crushing on a boy his age who is an absolutely stellar kisser? He wonders how much practice Suhyun’s had, to have such a perfect technique. Junhyung may be biased and everything, though the people he has kissed have certainly never gotten him this hot and bothered before, so Suhyun must be an expert.
Funnily enough, it takes traveling to the Czech Republic for Junhyung to finally open his mouth and get some words out, instead of letting Suhyun take over the free real estate.
Jihoon is filming his music video there, in front of a castle no less, and his trusted backup dancers are privileged enough to be a part of this experience - Junhyung and Suhyun included. And, as Junhyung’s luck would have it, he is to share a hotel room with him. It presents itself as quite the perfect opportunity for a conversation long overdue, so Junhyung resolves to grab it as soon as he can.
He fails, quite spectacularly, on their first night there.
The thrill of traveling to Europe is lighting up all the nerve ends in Junhyung’s body, so much so that, after they have grabbed their dinner and checked into their hotels, he is struggling to stay awake for as long as jet lag would command. Suhyun is in a similar state, and thus the only words exchanged between them have to do with who gets to shower first and whether they should be getting breakfast together the next morning.
Shooting the music video thankfully does not have the same exhausting effects, despite the excitement Junhyung had felt as soon as they arrived to the location. He had caught Suhyun gazing up at the castle entrance in awe as the director placed them for the dance performances, and afterwards, Suhyun had asked the manager to take a picture for him, giving a few extravagant poses to suit the occasion.
After all, when would they ever be returning to an actual castle in the future? Might as well savor the experience to the fullest while he can.
When they return to the hotel room that night, bellies full from a dinner Jihoon treated them and the other backup dancers to, Junhyung would love nothing more than to sink into the sheets and call it a successful day, only there are two reasons he cannot yet do so;
First of all, he has an agenda he must follow, and what better time is there than right now, with Suhyun and himself alone in their hotel room, the managers already having said good night and thus interruptions a reliable impossibility. Junhyung just wants some clarity, he deserves it, and it does not have to mean that Suhyun and he have to stop kissing, or making out, or perhaps even—more.
Perhaps.
The second reason is sitting on the edge of his bed, essentially having the same thoughts as Junhyung as he crawls closer to him in a movement that should not be as smooth as it is - Suhyun is all that, fluid, practiced, elegant motion, perfected to a degree that it scares Junhyung a little bit.
Junhyung allows himself to be kissed to get rid of some nerves. Indulging for a while is not going to divert his attention from the task at hand, as long as he still intends to do it, correct?
Well.
Junhyung has Suhyun in his lap, his knees bracketing Junhyung’s body, hands roaming over his shoulders and his arms in appreciative caresses. There is nothing hurried about their kisses now that they have all the time in the world, and Junhyung truly relishes in every touch, feels at ease and on edge at the same time, and before he knows it, Suhyun has him lying down on his back, hovering above him for a moment until he dives down again.
Though this time, his lips touch Junhyung’s neck and not his lips, and Junhyung gasps in surprise and—pleasure.
The kisses are light as a feather, exploring his neck without lingering on one spot for too long in fear of leaving marks, and Junhyung can only imagine what special kind of hell it would be to allow this demon to claim him like that, surrendering everything to him.
Junhyung knows he is losing control, and he does not mind it even one bit.
Only here he is, forgetting all of his good intentions. Suhyun tracing along the hem of his shirt in a silent question was not how he wanted the night to go - at least, not before they had not talked about it.
Junhyung may be physically strong to some capacity, but nothing requires more strength than pushing Suhyun off slightly when everything was just getting so exciting.
Suhyun backs away from him immediately, sitting upright without putting too much of a distance between them, and Junhyung is momentarily distracted by the hazy, confused look Suhyun is giving him. It makes speaking past tingling lips all the more impossible, truly, but by some miracle, Junhyung manages.
“What are we doing?” He asks, foolish but straight to the point with the question. Junhyung had laid out an entire speech, though he supposes that brevity is the soul of wit - he does not feel quite so witty, now.
Suhyun’s eyebrows scrunch together, as he evidently agrees with Junhyung’s self-evaluation, and he answers, “Uh, making out?”
Like, yes.
Obviously.
“I meant—what are we doing?” Junhyung repeats the question, but Suhyun only frowns even harder and regrettably moves off of Junhyung to cross-legged on top of the sheets.
“You’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that,” Suhyun says.
Junhyung groans.
Fine, then. This is fine, he can do this.
“Okay, I guess I would like to know what this is,” Junhyung leans up on his elbows, gesturing between themselves, “particularly why we are making out.”
Suhyun’s mouth hangs open for a second too long as he ponders over his answer, and as Junhyung sits up, mirroring Suhyun, he starts twiddling his thumbs in his lap in nervous anticipation.
“Well,” Suhyun ultimately begins, a lot more upended by the question than Junhyung would have expected. “You’re pretty hot.”
Junhyung chokes on his own spit, “I—what?!”
Junhyung knows he is attractive, all right - he does not spend as much time working out as he does for nothing, he likes to keep fit, work on his body but—Suhyun calling him hot?!
“Don’t make me repeat it, you’ll gloat,” Suhyun says, but there is a grin on his lips. He still has the upper hand. “I know I’m pretty hot. I just figured it would be a waste not to—you know. You were looking at me like you were gonna eat me alive, how was I supposed to ignore that?”
Junhyung might just do that, after all of that.
“So, you’re saying… because I’m hot, and you’re hot, we should be, what, fooling around together?” Junhyung asks, the entire logic escaping him. He is far from complaining, really, but a small, tiny, definitely minuscule part of him had hoped for another explanation.
It is easy enough to shut down, but Junhyung has heard its veto.
“Yeah,” Suhyun confirms. “I—I assumed we were on the same page, I didn’t think you’d be going along if we weren’t. But if you don’t want to—”
“I do,” Junhyung interrupts, a softer sound than the desperation inside of him would command. “You’re really fucking hot. I just didn’t think you’d—go for me. I mean, we don’t know each other all that well.”
“Didn’t think I’d have to be able to write a dissertation about Son Junhyung to make out with him,” Suhyun remarks, smirking slightly. To both his horror and delight, Suhyun moves right back to where he was before Junhyung pushed them apart, too close for Junhyung to think straight.
“That’s not what I meant,” Junhyung says in a low voice, but Suhyun can taste the words right off his lips, and he does, but Suhyun lies a hand flat against his chest to stop him from taking even more, insatiable as he is. “We aren’t even friends, Suhyun-ssi. Don’t get me wrong, I like what we are doing. But—this is just because it’s convenient, yeah? It’s because you find me attractive and I find you attractive and we just happen to be available to blow off some steam. That’s what you want, right?”
Spelling it all out without even half a stutter is what Junhyung is going to count towards his greater accomplishments. It is harder than he thought, to communicate, but looking at Suhyun now, it is clear that he has not considered any of this in a manner that is necessary to prevent this whole thing from blowing up in their faces.
“That’s what I want, yeah,” Suhyun confirms. “But—why do you not think we are friends? I’d like to be your friend, too.”
“What, like a friend with benefits?” Junhyung grins, trying to hide his surprise. Perhaps he should have seen that coming, Suhyun wanting to befriend him as well. It is good to be friends with the people you are going to spend the majority of your time with. But Junhyung did not think the space Suhyun had carved out for him would hold such a position, too.
Suhyun frowns at Junhyung’s wording, “I suppose? Do we really have to give— this a name? Can’t we just be friends and colleagues who suffer through the trials and tribulations of being trainees together?”
Junhyung hums in contemplation. “I think so?” He wonders, raising an eyebrow in question. “I think it’s enough that we’re on the same page and—have fun, I guess?”
Suhyun snorts, “You guess?” He parrots, even changing his voice a little, and Junhyung lightly scolds him with a tutting sound. “Ah, Junhyung-ah, I’m definitely going to have my fun with you.”
That devil again, starting to bite. Believing that Junhyung is at his mercy and his only.
Perhaps, Suhyun should not be the only one to ruin their carefully crafted illusion of innocence. Perhaps, Junhyung needs to turn the tables for once.
He starts by flipping Suhyun over until it is his back landing on top of the bed, Junhyung now the one staring down at a surprised Suhyun. It may be the dim light of the lamp on the bedside table, but Junhyung likes to imagine Suhyun’s face turning a light shade of pink.
“Didn’t you say that I was looking at you like I was going to eat you alive?” Junhyung whispers, performing a trick out of Suhyun’s own book and running a hand over Suhyun’s thigh in definite suggestion. The muscle twitches lightly underneath his fingertips. “Shouldn’t I make good on that promise?”
Suhyun definitely did not expect to have been quite so easily upended himself, the façade of the devil broken down for long enough that Junhyung can see the pretty boy underneath, gasping at the bold efforts of Junhyung above him.
Is that not thrilling, too, to best evil and catch it off its guard?
“Now, now,” Suhyun replies, raising his head so his lips are close enough for Junhyung to feel his hot breath on his own. His composure is returning to him, eyes hooded as they lock with Junhyung’s, “don’t make promises you cannot keep.”
Junhyung scoffs, offended, but his answer of, “I don’t intend to,” is swallowed entirely by Suhyun’s lips on his, and for the rest of the evening, all rational conversation ceases.
Junhyung eats Suhyun alive, all right. In more ways than one.
After all, who knows when they will get a hotel room all to themselves again.
—
Months pass without much of a deviant day out of their typical normalcy. Trainees come and go, most notable of all an enthusiastic boy named Kangsung, and a boy who came all the way from Thailand to become an idol, Pasidh, and finally Taeseung, another kid almost as young as Jinwoo, though much taller, especially for his age.
And then, their three youngest are sent to Produce x 101 of all the survival shows.
A bitter part of Junhyung asks himself why he was not chosen to participate, though the bigger, less prideful part of him knows that he would not have wanted to do it, anyway - not after the Mix Nine debacle. He would not have survived being eliminated because of his lack of skills for a second time.
Instead, he and Suhyun had focused their energy on helping Woojin, Taeseung, and Jinwoo prepare in the best way they could.
And surprisingly enough, it is Jinwoo who makes it the farthest, makes it as a fan favorite, but does not make it into the group.
Junhyung has to admit that he is relieved, really, when he hears the news. He cannot imagine the pressures of being in the spotlight when you are just a kid, still. Jinwoo may be turning fifteen this year, but that does not mean that he is in any way ready to enter the idol world.
He does not say that when Jinwoo returns to the practice room with eyes swollen from all the crying, and instead does the same thing he did with Woojin and Taeseung as soon as they came back, and engulfs him in a big hug.
After all, what else are those strong arms good for if not to make sure his dongsaengs feel comforted and safe with him?
As it turns out, their company plans a special project group for the three of them, so there is not much time to be sad about their eliminations, not when their actual debut is right around the corner.
Junhyung gets it.
His being a trainee for some two years has nothing to do with the certified privilege of debuting, and the company is only trying to milk money from however much popularity Woojin, Taeseung, and Jinwoo have retained from that survival show. They could not have done that back when Junhyung had his own rather disgraceful return from Mix Nine.
But God—Junhyung cannot help but feel beyond jealous of them, as concerned as he is at the same time.
He figures it is a natural reaction when your dream is so openly lived in front of you, when you have put just as much hard work, if not more, into making it a reality. Still, Junhyung understands this as yet another challenge, another test - he cannot allow bitterness to overshadow the very evident and bright elation he feels for the three of them. In the end, they do not deserve this opportunity any less simply because Junhyung was there first.
He will get his chance, he knows. There must be a point to all of this training, to them trusting Junhyung enough to take care of leading them even now, all that Junhyung is to do is practice his patience.
And after nearly three years of managing younger trainees and one rather difficult Hwang Dongjun, Junhyung already has an abundance of it.
Dongjun receives quite the opportunity of his own, getting to produce a song for Teen Teen’s debut.
Junhyung has rarely seen Dongjun both so distracted and focused all at the same time. It is rather evident that their dance lessons are the last thing on his mind, often too tired to stay upright for too long, and Junhyung often has to animate him to keep going until they are dismissed.
Junhyung does not bother to do the same when they have their private dance practices, even though he knows he should insist that Dongjun does not abandon all of his other activities just for this one song.
He figures he would be acting the same, if he were in Dongjun’s place. There are deadlines he has to meet, after all, and Dongjun likes these kids way too much to give them anything less than perfect.
On the day Dongjun submits his final product to the head producer, Junhyung finds him sleeping in one of the armchairs in the lunchroom at the company. Suhyun is not too far behind, the two of them emerging from yet another late dance practice, both sweaty and tired and definitely ready to go home.
“Dongjun-hyung?” Junhyung softly asks, a tentative hand on Dongjun’s shoulder to shake him awake.
Good thing Junhyung reacts quick enough and moves right back before Dongjun can deck him in the face. Junhyung only notices Suhyun has his hands on his shoulders, probably intending to pull him back to evade Dongjun’s awakening force.
They exchange a look, and Suhyun drops his hands back to his side.
“Where am I?” Dongjun asks as soon as he blinks awake, no danger identified to receive his attack, and then his eyes land on Junhyung, then Suhyun, then back and forth between them. “You two look awfully red.”
Junhyung almost sputters, feeling caught.
Maybe Suhyun and he have spent some considerable time distracted with each other, notably after the choreography had them both on the floor panting, so they decided to take a break.
Maybe that break went on for a little longer than they intended.
Thankfully, before Junhyung has any chance to blow their cover, Suhyun says, “You’d be too if you’d show yourself in the practice room for dance practice once in a while.”
“Shit, how late is it,” Dongjun wonders, unlocking his laptop to find the time, drawing his own conclusion from it. “Oh, so it was just you two again, huh?”
Junhyung does not like Dongjun’s tone at all.
“You’re welcome anytime, Hyung,” Junhyung says, voice stable enough despite the growing suspicion that Dongjun has somehow managed to see through their arrangement.
How, is beyond Junhyung. But he is long past questioning how Dongjun’s mind works, and how he comes about knowledge he should not have the means to possess - especially when they have been so careful.
“I wouldn’t want to intrude,” Dongjun says, a slight smirk on his lips, entirely too knowing for Junhyung’s liking. He finally stands from the armchair, packing his laptop away to get ready to leave. While his back is turned, Suhyun gives him a rather strong side-eye, so intense that Junhyung cannot ignore it.
Suhyun’s lips form a soundless, “Does he know?”
Junhyung’s eyes widen, and he shrugs, mouths, “I don’t know.”
And neither of them is all the wiser.
At least until Dongjun faces them, scanning their faces with a raised eyebrow before rolling his eyes. “You really are about as subtle as a neon sign in the dark, did you know that?”
Suhyun laughs at that, saying, “Excuse me?” Junhyung just buries his head in his hands.
“I’m just saying if you don’t want anyone to know about whatever kind of arrangement you’ve got going, maybe don’t do stuff at the dorms,” Dongjun says, preparing to go, right as the horror of being found out - and evidently, as Dongjun so shamelessly implies, being heard - crashes down upon Junhyung.
“Wha—We were quiet!” Suhyun insists, and Junhyung cannot believe that he would fall for this very obvious piece of bait.
The only times they ever even considered doing anything, even something so small as a kiss, at the dorm of all places, they made sure that everyone was out - and would remain so for another good long while. The risk of being discovered was simply too high otherwise.
There is a reason they usually stick to the practice rooms late at night.
So, truly, Dongjun could not have heard them during those rare few times that they preferred a mattress underneath their backs once activities got a little bit more—well, strenuous, because Dongjun could not have been at the dorm at all.
Dongjun whips around, scandalized, “Oh my God, you did stuff at the dorm?!”
“But—what—Hyung!” Suhyun complains, just as Junhyung sinks into the armchair, too tired to have this conversation right now.
He sighs, asks Dongjun, “How long have you known?”
“Long enough to have covered both your asses at least once,” Dongjun grins, winking at them. Junhyung has never felt so embarrassed before, and almost everyone makes fun of him on a daily basis. “It’s a marvel the managers still think you two are just putting in the extra work. Though I suppose work is a very flexible expression.”
Respectfully, Junhyung would like to strangle Dongjun.
“I just can’t believe neither of you would tell me,” Dongjun continues, and when Junhyung looks up at him, he is pouting ever-so-slightly. “I’m good at keeping secrets. I’m glad you guys are together. Especially because I know how mopey Junhyung would get because of the crush he had on me—”
Oh, hell no.
“No—No!” Junhyung interrupts him, groaning so loud it might as well be heard in the next building. “Why would you—How did you even—What have I ever done to you?”
Dongjun could not simply leave it at this one secret, could he? He just had to humiliate Junhyung even further.
“You had a crush on Dongjun-hyung?” Junhyung hears, finds Suhyun frowning at him, his expression unreadable yet demanding to know the truth. It is a curious reaction only for the fact that Junhyung expected the very opposite - laughter even, a great opportunity to make fun of Junhyung’s younger self.
This comes as a surprise.
“It was before you joined the company,” Dongjun explains, telling Junhyung’s secrets as if they were his own, though far too easily at that. “I can’t even blame him, it’s just too bad I could never reciprocate his feelings. But since you arrived, he’s only ever had eyes for you, anyway. A little embarrassing, really.”
It is like Junhyung is not even here. “Uh, hello?” Junhyung protests, “Can you maybe not spill all of my secrets at once? I’d like to keep some for myself, thank you.”
Dongjun will have to allow him some remnants of dignity, or else Junhyung is going to sink into the ground underneath their feet, and then what will they do without their future leader, huh?
“I didn’t think it was a secret, Junhyung-ssi. Like I said, neon signs in the dark and all. I apologize dearly, my friend,” Dongjun says, though he does not sound sorry at all. “It doesn’t matter anyway, you got yourself a boyfriend now, and I’m very proud of you.”
Junhyung would almost be touched, if it weren’t for one tiny thing. “We’re not—boyfriends, Hyung.”
Junhyung tries to keep his tone devoid of any feeling - lest Dongjun will read even more into this than he already has. Junhyung chances another glance at Suhyun, who nods his agreement to the fact, his lips pressed together.
“Oh,” Dongjun makes, and he seems genuinely surprised. “My bad. Fuckbuddies then?”
Well—
Fuckbuddies would imply that they are doing more than the occasional handjob, or a blowjob even if they are feeling in the mood. Suhyun is quite—talented at those.
They have not crossed into the territory of other aspects of sex, though - have not even talked about it yet.
And Junhyung is not exactly opposed to trying, either - it is just that their circumstances rarely provide chances at privacy as it is, and—well. Junhyung does not want his first time with Suhyun to be a rushed affair in-between doors.
Maybe that is the romantic in him, but he doubts that Suhyun would prefer it that way.
“Something like that,” Junhyung allows, willing the blood out of his cheeks. Not once has he imagined having this conversation with Dongjun, let alone with Suhyun in the room, but he supposes this is payment for breaking the rules - rules that, technically, have not been broken. Considering they are not dating, and no one has ever forbidden them arrangements like his and Suhyun’s.
Junhyung has no doubt that the company would not approve, either way.
“You’re not going to tell on us, are you?” Suhyun asks, the same thoughts crossing his mind.
“If I were, I’d have done so already,” Dongjun tells them, his face softening. “Also I’m not a snitch, I wouldn’t do that to you. It clearly doesn’t affect your training either, best of the bunch. Everyone just thinks your extra practices are the reason you’re so good at dancing.”
“Well, contrary to what you may believe, we’re not all over each other all the time,” Junhyung tells him.
“Just a good majority of it,” Suhyun winks, and Junhyung cannot believe he would betray him like this.
“Okay, I’ve had enough of this,” Junhyung decides, standing and walking away without waiting for Dongjun or Suhyun to follow after him. The sound of hands slapping together in a high five is enough reason for him to hurry up his steps and completely ignore both of them in the car ride to the dorm.
—
“Can we borrow your laptop for later? The kids want to have a video call with Suhyun.”
“The kids or you?” Dongjun raises his eyebrow without taking his eyes off his laptop, clicking away at some new project as he sits on top of his bed.
“I will be in the room, yes. Saying hello to my friend,” Junhyung says.
“Your boyfriend, you mean,” Dongjun mumbles, and Junhyung does not know what he has done in a past life to deserve Dongjun’s comments in this one.
“We told you, we’re not boyfriends—”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you want to be,” Dongjun says, idly referencing a conversation Junhyung has had with him right after Dongjun first found out about their relationship - officially - and the fact that, yes, sure, maybe Junhyung would not mind dating Suhyun for real.
Dongjun has a way of making Junhyung admit to things he would rather not reveal, even to himself.
“I’m never talking to you again,” Junhyung sighs, trying to get back on track. “So, can they borrow it? They want to introduce Junseong. It would be right after dinner when everyone is back, though not too late because Woojin, Taeseung, and Jinwoo need to get up early and I know they’re taking any chance they get to stay up for longer, so I’d rather make it as soon as possible.”
“Sure, sure, no problem,” Dongjun says. “That Junseong kid is great, you know. He liked my songs.”
Junhyung gives a short laugh, humoring Dongjun. “They’re good songs,” he says honestly. “I don’t know why you don’t believe any of us anymore.”
“You’re biased,” Dongjun explains, like it is obvious. “And you’ve listened to my songs multiple times already. I need fresh ears.”
Junhyung snorts, but he gets it. At the end of the day, he is just glad that Dongjun trusts all of them enough to share his progress.
“You should come say hi, too,” Junhyung suggests, leaning against the door frame. “Maybe we could start before—you know, the others will talk all over each other and we won’t get a word in.”
Dongjun looks up at him, frowning, then narrowing his eyes, and Junhyung knows what he is going to say before he even says it. Junhyung ought to learn his lesson one of these days, the lesson that trying to deceive Dongjun will never work, that he will look right through Junhyung anyway.
“Would you like to call him now, Junhyung-ssi?” Dongjun asks, as Junhyung expects.
And there the question stands in the room, bigger than Junhyung himself. He knows he cannot deny it, does not want to deny it, but another part of him does not want to bury himself even further, or else the hole he has begun digging for himself will become too deep to escape from it.
It is not too late, yet. Junhyung knows he still has a fighting chance, if he could only hold himself back.
Instead, Junhyung bites his lip, says, “If I could?”
Now, here is a big secret about Hwang Dongjun; as much as he may pretend otherwise when he has finally warmed up enough to never stop talking around you, when it all comes down to it, he is quite the softie. You get a clue from the way he composes and writes his songs, though the biggest confirmation is the small moments you will catch only if you are paying attention.
Like right now, when Dongjun is beckoning him into the room with a wave of his hand, having Junhyung sit down on the bed as he stands from it.
“Suhyun has been asking me too, by the way,” Dongjun tells him, gesturing to an open chat on screen, with the last two messages from just a few minutes ago.
Could you go and get Junhyung, too?
I sorta miss him. Don’t tell him that, though.
“I miss you, too,” Junhyung mumbles, despite himself. When he realizes that he has said the words out loud, he just hopes that Dongjun has not heard them.
“I just remembered, I gotta go and get some snacks from the convenience store,” Dongjun announces, seemingly nonchalant, though it is not all too difficult to uncover Dongjun’s real motives for his exit. “Been having cravings all day. Do you want anything?”
“No, thank you, Hyung,” Junhyung says, his voice softly grateful. “Really, thank you.”
Dongjun just gives him an awkward smile, taking his leave with a quiet, “Don’t let anyone catch you, or all hell will break loose.”
Junhyung laughs, “Got it.”
When the door to his room clicks shut behind Dongjun, Junhyung turns toward the open laptop, still open on the chat, the bright green call button both so inviting and daunting at the same time.
Junhyung’s hands are sweating already. He does not know why he is so nervous when it is just—Suhyun. Regular old Suhyun.
Suhyun, who has been gone for two weeks to recover from an injury to his ankle, spending time at his family home somewhere across the city.
Not too far away, but certainly far enough to leave a noticeable void in their daily schedule. Working himself to the bone is not nearly half as fun when Junhyung is doing it all by himself - Junhyung has enough of that when is at the gym, his own personal respite from everything, but the nights he shares with Suhyun even just dancing have a special place, currently unfulfilled.
It is a little maddening, a little pathetic.
All the same, his heart does an involuntary jump when he reads the messages for a second time, relieved to know that he may not be the only one to feel this way.
Then, another message pops up;
Dongjun-hyung?
Junhyung is quick to reply.
He’s out buying some snacks, so you’ll have to make do with me ;-) Hope that’s okay!
The answer comes almost instantly:
Oh my God, Junhyung-ah.
Junhyung did not even sign his name, though he supposes his use of smileys is a dead giveaway - to be honest, Junhyung does not understand why not more people their age use them when they are so genuine.
No time to ponder on that hot topic now, not when Suhyun is calling.
“Please tell me you didn’t read the messages I sent Dongjun-hyung,” Suhyun says immediately after Junhyung accepts, his video yet disconnected even as Junhyung grins at the camera with his best smile.
“Hello to you, too, Suhyun-ssi,” Junhyung grins, a teasing lilt to his tone as he says, “If you’re referring to the messages where you said you miss me, then no, I cannot tell you that.”
Suhyun makes a noise of complaint, “That wasn’t me who wrote that. I’ll deny everything.”
“Even when I say that—I miss you, too?” It is easier to say, now that he knows he might not make an ass of himself. “I mean—everyone misses you. I know it’s only been two weeks but I think I’ve been making everyone miserable—”
“I doubt that very much,” Suhyun says, and Junhyung can hear the teasing smile in his voice without needing to see it.
Though Junhyung does not know why he is not actually seeing it. “Is there a reason your camera is off? Not that it isn’t enough to hear your voice and all but—I’m sure the others would like to see you, too.”
“Oh, I just—I haven’t really taken care to look great today, so I’d probably scare you all to death with my face—”
“You say that as if you’re not one of the hottest guys on the planet,” Junhyung offers. He cannot imagine he is looking much better after a day’s worth of practice. He had a shower when he came back from the company, so his hair must be looking more like a messy mop than his regular wavy dream.
Suhyun’s words, not his.
“I definitely am, just not today,” Suhyun tells him, his laugh a little shaky, as insecure. It is a rarity to catch Suhyun in such a moment, as he is usually reserved, deals with it on his own time, prefers to be alone or have a heart to heart with Woojin, even, but—
Now, it is Junhyung is bearing witness, unexpectedly. And he does not know what to make of it just yet.
“I know my word doesn’t count for much, but—personally, I don’t think it matters how you look. We’re just glad to hear from you,” Junhyung says, and he hopes his smile is reassuring enough. “So… no video is cool, but—just so it’s out there. None of us would judge you either way. I know I wouldn’t.”
Junhyung has not been feeling this excited in a while, knowing that he would get to come back to the dorms and talk to Suhyun during his recovery at home, so he is not about to waste his precious time convincing him to show himself when it is so, so trivial.
“Thank you, Junhyung-ah,” Suhyun replies after a beat, and Junhyung smiles at the letters on the screen, filling in the picture he does not see.
“Of course,” he says. “So, what have you been up to these past two weeks?”
The question is a little silly, in hindsight. Suhyun has not been able to do much of anything, and Junhyung could have done best not to remind him of that. He has half a mind to apologize when Suhyun actually gives an answer without too much thought or resentment, and Junhyung’s shoulders relax.
From the rustling sounds, Junhyung assumes that Suhyun must be in his bed, in his childhood bedroom at his parents’ home, and from the way his voice muffles against something soft, Junhyung can tell that he must be pressing his face into a pillow from time to time, nuzzling further into comfort.
He gets confirmation when Suhyun ultimately turns the camera on as Junhyung is in the middle of recounting their business as usual. He does not comment on Suhyun’s change of mind, just smiles to himself, proud, as he goes on with his story.
Not too long afterward, Dongjun returns, the noise of five overactive teenagers following into the room after him, and Junhyung supposes that this is the end of his time alone with Suhyun.
But seeing how everyone filters in with cheers and laughter, introducing Junseong to a now vividly awake Suhyun, Junhyung just watches on fondly, disappearing into the background and staying there for the remainder of the call, smiling softly.
Junhyung has heard rumors that the company will not be taking on any new trainees for a while. He has kept this to himself, did not even mention it to Dongjun, though he may already know.
Now, as five boys gather around a laptop in a room that is barely large enough to allow space for Dongjun (and Suhyun, once he returns), and he and Dongjun are almost banished to the doorway, Junhyung realizes that this might be it - their team.
As soon as Prince returns from Thailand and Suhyun is fully recovered, their days may no longer just revolve around working towards an if, but a when.
After almost three years, Junhyung is ready.
—
November is very cold.
Junhyung still manages to sneak in breaks at the company rooftop, mostly because he enjoys watching the city lights from a higher point, and because the air in the practice rooms tends to get stuffy when close to ten trainees crowd into them, and Junhyung needs a breather now and again.
Like today, for example.
He has been on edge practically since he woke up. Going to the gym had only helped for a little bit before dealing with overactive children for practice had amped Junhyung back up again. There are only so many things he can try before he has to raise his voice and he does not like to know that he has crushed their spirits, even just for this one moment in time.
They have four evaluations this week, and Junhyung just wants them to be prepared. He cannot make sure of anything, he does not even know if his being stricter than usual is worth getting through another one of those hard, stressful weeks - not with the sheer amount of tears that have been shed recently, Junhyung the ultimate cause in the majority of cases.
He has made sure that they know why he is working them to the bone, too, has made sure that they eat and drink when they ought to and that they get an extra break when they cannot go on.
But secretly, Junhyung fears for them. Fears for himself, too. Fears that one day, at that one point in time, it will not be enough.
He fears tomorrow, too. His own personal fifth evaluation. Trying to see whether he is a fit leader, a good leader, and then, if all goes well, he might be able to confirm his suspicions on a definite debut.
If all goes well.
Junhyung is too tired to think about what will happen if it does not.
“There you are,” Suhyun calls, pulling Junhyung out of his thoughts. Junhyung turns around, sees him cower in his heavy coat, and gives a small, breathy laugh at the way Suhyun gets cold so easily. “Woojin just left with everyone else, he was pretty tired. I just came up to tell you that I won’t be, uh, practicing any more tonight. In case you end up waiting.”
“Okay, thank you for telling me,” Junhyung says, trying not to sound too disappointed. The one thing he looked forward to tonight, and he cannot even have that.
Not like he would have been in the appropriate mood, anyway. It is probably for the best, then.
“How’s Woojin doing?” Junhyung asks, hoping that spending some time with Suhyun made up for most of what Junhyung has thrown against his head tonight.
Woojin had not even disrupted their practice, not even once. He is not the type to do so unless everyone else is doing it. It just so happened that Junhyung’s nerves were already on the verge of breaking apart, so the one mistake that Woojin kept making—
Junhyung is not proud of having scolded him to the point that Woojin ended up taking a break that lasted until the end of the lesson. Junhyung found him crying by the water cooler afterwards and apologized, but it did not feel like nearly enough to make up for everything.
“He’s okay,” Suhyun says, and his voice adopts a softer tone. “We went over the part that gave him trouble. He’s feeling a bit more confident now. He’ll try again tomorrow.”
A small relief, at least. He had figured that his way of pushing where Woojin would not be able to budge was the wrong idea. Maybe all it took was a different approach from Suhyun.
Maybe there is your leader, after all. Maybe it was never meant to be Junhyung at all.
“That’s good, I’m glad he has you,” Junhyung says and smiles, hoping that it will be enough for Suhyun to go follow the others to the dorm. There is no use in sticking around and seeing Junhyung mope when Suhyun is as tired as the others. “Well, have a good night. Get a lot of sleep. Tomorrow there’ll be another hard day, you’ll need it.”
Junhyung ought to take his own advice.
First, he needs to punish himself some more.
“Are you okay, Junhyung-ah?” He hears Suhyun ask, a warmth in the chilling night air.
Junhyung considers lying, just so Suhyun may put the day behind himself since it could not have been much better than Junhyung’s, and he deserves a good, long rest. In the end, though, Junhyung is not as tough as he needs to be, so the question alone brings back the tears he had thought gone, and he cannot help but bury his head in his hands to hide them.
It is a futile attempt, anyway. He should have just bitten his tongue, should have gone for the brooding route, it might have given him a fighting chance.
Everything is fine, really, he has no right to feel so sorry for himself. Hence the reason why he came up here alone, so no one would see it.
“I’m not okay, but it’s fine,” Junhyung offers, deciding to be honest, right as Suhyun sits next to him on the bench.
“It’s not fine,” Suhyun frowns, looking at Junhyung like he just offended his entire family, wide eyes and everything. “What’s going on?”
“Suhyun-ah, you’re tired—”
“Aren’t you?” Suhyun counters. “Let’s go back to the dorms, talk on the way there.”
“I don’t—there’s nothing to talk about, all right?” Junhyung says, because there isn’t, not as far as Junhyung is concerned. “I’ll deal with this on my own.”
“Is this about today?” Suhyun finally asks, and it is like Junhyung was simply waiting for the pin to drop, dreading the moment, knowing that it would come even as he was hoping against hope.
“Suhyun-ah,” he attempts, a tired warning, a weak one. He does not want to fight with Suhyun, too. He could not take that right now.
“It is, isn’t it?” Junhyung sees him press his lips into a bitter smile, and he gets the sense that Suhyun always has him all figured out. “You do realize that none of us are holding it against you.”
In theory, Junhyung is aware of this. But he is too worked up now to think of that as a good thing.
“Please don’t sugarcoat what happened today,” he says, voice rough. He hopes clearing his throat helps.
Next to him, Suhyun sighs, running his hands through his hair. “Okay, fine, you made Woojin cry. You’ve made me cry before and I don’t hold it against you, and neither does Woojin, I know that for a fact.”
Junhyung scoffs, “And what, that’s supposed to make it okay? This isn’t exactly the first time, like you’ve said, and it probably won’t be the last.”
Unless something is going to change.
“Of course it’s not—ideal,” Suhyun says. “But we’ve been through a great deal of instructors, you know this, and you’re by far one of the nicer ones. It’s tough, sure, and you can get very bossy, but we know it’s coming from a good place. You’d never be harsh just for the sake of it.”
Junhyung knows the pressure they are under all too well, and he knows that a big part of this pressure is unforgiving instructors. It is the cutthroat world that they intend to enter, and inevitably, it will be the constant feeling of inadequacy attached.
So, yes - Junhyung has no interest in adding to that. However, that does not change that he frequently does.
“That’s hardly an excuse,” He tells Suhyun. “Good intentions don’t make up for their bad outcomes.”
Suhyun does not look like he wants to argue with that.
He straightens his back, looks up into the sky, as if in thought. Wondering where he ought to take this conversation. Junhyung knows that Suhyun is providing him with the perfect opportunity to escape. He also knows that he should be taking it.
But even in silence, even in a situation like this, he simply likes being with Suhyun.
So he does not reach for the out he is presented with.
Ultimately, it does not take Suhyun too long to ask, “What would you do differently, then? If you could do today all over again.”
“I’d try and be more patient—”
“What, even more patient?” Suhyun interrupts.
Junhyung bristles a little. “Clearly I snap too easily, so… I’d have to be more considerate, try and find out why there is a mistake instead of pushing everyone when they’re stuck.”
“You already do all of that, though,” Suhyun says, his quiet tender voice almost soothing. “You can’t give even more of yourself than you already do. Our mistakes won’t suddenly disappear because you’re softer on us.”
“They won’t disappear when I’m harder on you, either,” Junhyung argues, willing Suhyun to understand. “It’s just—maybe I should take a step back for a while. Let someone else handle it. If all I do is make you guys miserable, what good am I as a leader?”
There is a beat, then:
“Wait—” Suhyun looks as though he has trouble processing what Junhyung is saying, nearly sputtering, swallowing around nothing, or perhaps the words that would have only ended in stutters. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Junhyung just shrugs - admitting it out loud once is shameful enough.
In some ways, it translates into betrayal, abandoning his post as the leader - giving up when everything is getting too serious, too intense.
But all Junhyung is doing is preparing himself; outlining the worst that could happen when he walks into that meeting tomorrow morning. Only he meant to do it by himself and not—
Not where anyone would see.
“What the fuck is actually going on here, Junhyung-ah?” Suhyun whispers, almost incredulous that he even has to ask. He is expecting an answer, too, something that would explain Junhyung’s unusual behavior, only Suhyun already knows most of the puzzle pieces, and it should not take much for him to put them together.
Junhyung hands him the most crucial piece, “I’m not supposed to tell you, I think. Didn’t feel like something I should be talking about with any of you. But… there’s a meeting tomorrow with our instructors, some managers. The people in charge of inevitably forming the group.”
To Suhyun’s credit, he keeps his own trepidation at bay, though Junhyung knows how this revelation must make him feel. It may have only been a little over a year since he joined the company, but he is itching to see his hard work lead to something, finally.
As scary as that may be.
Though that is an entirely different conversation to be had, and Suhyun is very aware of that.
“And?”
“And… we’re going to talk about whether or not I’d be a fit leader,” Junhyung says.
“Oh,” Suhyun offers.
“It’s been a while since they told me that I would be taking on that role, since I took charge of our performance practice. Tomorrow, I’m going to find out whether—well, whether I should continue doing that. And I don’t know if…” Junhyung sighs, runs his hands through his hair, and leaves them there. “I don’t know if they still think I am the right choice. Because I definitely have my doubts.”
Junhyung wonders if he felt more optimistic about tomorrow’s meeting if today’s practice had not ended up such a disaster because of him.
“Well, I don’t,” Suhyun says, rather confidently. The words are uttered quietly, yet they carry so much weight that they surprise Junhyung, especially because this is the first time he has ever heard Suhyun speak with such conviction. “Don’t we all get to weigh in on this? Doesn’t it matter who we want to lead us?”
“You’d only choose me because it’s always been—set in stone, almost,” Junhyung says, facing Suhyun with a sour expression. “I bet there’s still time to get used to someone better suited than me.”
“Who else could there be, if not you?” Suhyun asks, sounding horrified at the mere idea.
“Well, maybe…” Junhyung meets Suhyun’s eyes, stares at him rather pointedly until Suhyun gets the desired message.
“Me? ”
“Why not?” Junhyung shrugs, tries to smile too, but it is far from his best attempt. “Everyone already loves you. You’re already a great help in practice, and clearly, everyone feels they can confide in you. Myself included.”
“But—it’s not a popularity contest,” Suhyun says, his voice even and determined despite the cold starting to affect him. “There’s more to being a leader than just—getting along with everyone. It’s keeping everyone focused, and bringing out the best in us and our abilities. You are the one to guide us, Junhyung-ah. You’ve been here the longest, and you’re so dedicated to what you do. You make us want to be better, too. You inspire us to keep going, even when it’s hard.”
Junhyung’s heart is aching at the words, as sincere as they are. Maybe it is just the curse of the evening that makes it so hard to believe Suhyun, believe in himself, and maybe, he just needs to go to sleep and start anew tomorrow.
He does not have the power to undo the past, nor to change the future tonight, not while he is sitting out here in the darkness of the night, not even stars watching them from above. Junhyung has grown up in the city and is used to a starless sky, but a small part of him always wishes to be proven wrong in but one instance.
Junhyung does not even realize he is looking up into the sky until Suhyun touches his hand, trying to pull him back down to Earth. His fingers are ice-cold against Junhyung’s, but Junhyung feels a warmth spread all the same.
“Look,” Suhyun begins, holding on tight. “If it’s your choice, and you don’t want to be the leader… we can definitely find a way to accept that, and you can help pick out the person to follow in your footsteps. You’ve taken care of us for over a year now, so we can definitely return the favor, as much as we—wouldn’t like it.
“But if the only reason you think you have to give up the reins to someone else is that tough practices and the pressure and everything—are going to make us cry sometimes… then I’m begging you not to do it,” Suhyun says, squeezing Junhyung’s hand for emphasis, but he might as well be squeezing the heart in Junhyung’s chest. “You’re right, it’s happened many times and it will happen again, but you’re the one person who makes up for it immediately. You check in on us, you give us time when we need it.
“So, trust me when I say that we’re okay. And trust us to tell you when we’re not,” Suhyun finishes, bumping his cheek against Junhyung’s shoulder, smiling when he re-emerges. “And if by some fatal misjudgment they decide to replace you, you can count on us to put up a fight.”
Junhyung gives a low laugh. “I doubt they’ll listen to some teenagers and their opinions,” he says, though it is light, does not sound nearly so fatal as every other thought he has spoken aloud tonight.
“They’re gonna have to,” Suhyun says. “Don’t worry, Junhyung-ah. We got your back as certainly as you got ours.”
Junhyung’s voice finally breaks on gratitude, “Thank you, Suhyun-ah.”
Junhyung does not know if he is allowed to show his appreciation with a kiss - he only knows he wants to. He goes in for the safe option, embracing Suhyun in one swift motion, and kind of awkwardly too, given that they are still sitting next to each other. He lets his hands roam across Suhyun’s back, tucks his face into his neck, and swears to never let him go.
“What’s this?” Suhyun asks, turning his body so Junhyung can sink further into his arms.
“I’m warming you up,” is Junhyung’s excuse, and it makes Suhyun shake with laughter at how untrue it is. “You looked like you were cold.”
When Suhyun pulls back to inspect his face with a quizzical brow, then a wandering hand to his cheek, a smirk is growing, “If you’ll take me home, there’s a lot of other ways you could warm me up.”
The suggestive undertone Junhyung is so used to is softer tonight.
“Even if I were in the mood, we agreed not to do anything at the dorms anymore—”
“I didn’t mean that you horndog,” Suhyun says, looking so scandalized, it sparks another laugh between them. “I meant more along the lines of a nice tea, maybe a movie you like. Dongjun is at his parents’ house, so our room is available… for anything you are in the mood for. In case you want my company.”
It is late; Junhyung knows he should thank Suhyun and decline the offer in order to make sure they both get a good night’s sleep when he knows it is a week where they will have so little of it.
Knowing Suhyun, though, he will fall asleep as soon as the movie is running - because if Suhyun can do anything, it is sleep like it is a competition, even when he tries his hardest to stay awake.
Junhyung finds it far too endearing, especially because he can tease Suhyun about it the morning after.
“Sounds like a good idea,” Junhyung decides, and it only now strikes him that the one thing he was looking forward to, he still got - just not in the same manner as he usually does, and he is happily accepting that.
Time to stop kidding himself. Maybe his feelings for Suhyun run much deeper than he thought.
“Perfect,” Suhyun says, standing up, immediately burying his face into Junhyung’s chest when he follows. “We can watch one of those superhero movies you like so much.”
Ah, so Suhyun will be out like a light before those heroes even have a chance to be so super.
“Sure,” is all Junhyung says, hoping that Suhyun will not comment on the way his heart is making his feelings known to the world. He does not, but Junhyung catches a smile that tells it all when he resurfaces from Junhyung’s cocoon of warmth.
In the end, Junhyung knows he will have to deal with the true depth of these feelings, and with their consequences, too.
But for now, he enjoys the hand that does not let go of his as they sneak through the empty company building and back to their dorms. There is barely any time to think about anything else but that, although for a brief moment before they put in the code for their dorm - yet another smile shared between them - Junhyung even entertains the idea that, maybe, he is not the only one with the wildly beating heart.
Suhyun makes a valiant effort to stay awake throughout the first half of the movie, asks questions about the plot, too, which Junhyung happily explains - he knows every second is precious when Suhyun is as tired as he is. By the time the plot is picking up, Suhyun’s head drops against his shoulder, and Junhyung does not even have to look at him to know that he has finally given in to sleep.
Mind and soul at peace, at last. Not even a stutter of his heart could make the storm return now.
Chapter 2
Notes:
so. this will be the designated smut chapter (for now). i put WAY too much thought into how trainees would get condoms and all that stuff. like i could’ve just said lol they just got everything lying around because porn logic but no. i did not rely on porn logic. i needed junhyung to be embarrassed. that’s an essential need people
okay so. i think you can skip the smut if you’re not here for that. it starts at They put on a movie and ends at It is deathly quiet, afterwards.
thank you illie for looking over the smut and enduring my constant smut writing crises <3
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
December finds Seoul in deep snow, the first of the season, so Junhyung no longer spends his breaks on the rooftop unless it is to take pictures of the snow ducklings someone has stacked on one of the benches. His bets are on Junseong.
It snows on the day they receive the news, too. Junhyung knew that it would not be long until everyone else was informed; he himself got the idea on the day of his evaluation, which had been less of an actual evaluation and more of a definite confirmation of whether he was still interested in filling the role of leader.
And he was - is. It helped that, on the morning of, everyone had been extra nice and appreciative, no doubt encouraged by Suhyun to voice their true feelings instead of making fun.
Although it was not explicitly said, Junhyung left the meeting positive about their eventual debut. A part of him wanted to spoil the surprise, but his voice of reason - as a leader - decided against it. Nothing hurts more than false hope, and Junhyung’s certainty was still just a good guess, so he kept it to himself.
When the news eventually breaks, the snow does nothing to dull the noise of five very excited teenagers and one rather confused Hwang Dongjun. Suhyun has Woojin gathered in his arms, both of them smiling the brightest Junhyung has ever seen them, while Junseong ropes everyone into one cheer or another.
There is a sense of relief that floods the room, even with the youngest who have already had their debut. Knowing that all of the blood, sweat, and tears - so many tears - during training will not be for nothing, that everything will be worth it in just a few months, makes all the worries fall away, even just for this one moment in time.
Beneath the general buzz of excitement, there stands Junhyung, watching over them, smiling like a fool.
A dazed Dongjun stumbles over to him, pulls him into a very rare hug, and Junhyung does not need a word from Dongjun to know that he is just as glad as Junhyung is. Over his shoulder, he meets Suhyun’s eyes too, wet from unshed tears of happiness, and Junhyung smiles; at Suhyun, at Dongjun even though he cannot see it, at everyone, their future together.
Soon enough, there are attempts at nine-way hugs, all of which end with at least two of them on the floor, laughing.
It is remarkable how the few days after are the same as before, yet entirely different - there are still evaluations to excel at, practices until late at night, performances to learn. But now, the purpose is clearer, their goal right in front of their eyes, and it becomes easier, just a little bit.
Junhyung has never felt so relaxed while being utterly exhausted.
Perhaps that is why it happens.
Would have had to happen eventually.
Because see, lately, Junhyung has been doing a lot of thinking.
A lot of thinking that has to do with none other than Kim Suhyun, though that is hardly surprising. Admitting to himself that there is more to his feelings - far more than there ought to be for this arrangement that they are having to still count as such - has led to Junhyung’s desire to have Suhyun as close as humanly possible in every single way humanly possible increasing tenfold.
And, well, like any horny teenager at such a stage, Junhyung has been having dreams - the kind that has him wake up with a problem he has to take care of in the bathroom before anyone is awake.
Look.
Junhyung knows that he wants to have sex with Suhyun. He knows that, in order to have sex with Suhyun, he will have to muster up the guts to bring it up in conversation with Suhyun.
After their initial talk about hot people making out with each other, there had not been any conversation like it - so, needless to say, this fearless leader is scared beyond belief. Scared of Suhyun’s reaction, of rejection, and perhaps even scared of an accidental admittance of his true feelings and motivations behind the ask, beyond his horniness and his crazy attraction to Suhyun.
Though for him, it has not been about anything superficial for months. And if he is being honest, carrying the gift of hindsight, it has never been.
In the end, high on the rush of the good news, it slips out on the day of their celebration. Entirely by accident.
They go out for dinner, all nine of them. In the end, Dongjun, Junhyung, and Suhyun are the ones to pay for it, though there is little complaint when everyone else is just happily stuffing their stomachs and having a good time.
In what Junhyung thinks is a rather obvious maneuver, Suhyun pulls Junhyung aside when everyone is engulfed in deep discussions on their potential group name - which included Teen Teen And Friends, which only the youngest find appropriate. Junhyung thinks he sees Dongjun roll his eyes as he sees them go, but then he is throwing his own suggestions into the mix, and Junhyung is too preoccupied with Suhyun taking him into the small courtyard behind the restaurant to care.
Tables are scattered around the small area encased by other buildings, none of them occupied due to the weather, and Junhyung turns to find that the view towards their table inside is blocked, too.
It is very cold; colder than the last time they were alone together like this. The snow is still coming down with a soft insistence, and Suhyun’s eyes sparkle as he looks up, back at Junhyung, and then he is leaning in without a care in the world.
It is rather difficult to think with Suhyun’s lips on his - a lesson Junhyung has learned far too many times. But it is particularly hard when the pure joy of getting to debut translates into enthusiastic kissing. Junhyung often gives in entirely, gets swept up in everything Suhyun, maybe recklessly so. Definitely recklessly so.
Usually, they possess enough sense and awareness to know that this is far from the place to be doing this. Still, even if it had been the other way around and Junhyung the one to steal Suhyun from the table, this unspoken need for their own private celebration remains, as risky as it may seem.
One of these days, Junhyung ought to be honest and tell him. But today—today, Junhyung’s thoughts fly out of his head, and with it all reason, too.
That is probably why he ends up saying it after all.
“Fuck, Suhyun-ah…”
Why he is getting carried away.
“Feels good?”
Too good to stay silent.
“Fuck—me…” Junhyung breathes, absent of mind, and for the first few seconds afterwards, his own words do not even properly register in his head, and it makes little sense to him why Suhyun draws back, stares at him wide-eyed, when he had been just as into it as Junhyung was.
Junhyung blinks into reality slowly, as the faint sounds from the restaurant return to Junhyung’s notice - he thinks he hears Junseong laugh, which usually makes Jinwoo laugh as well, and like clockwork, there it is, high-pitched and adorable and grounding too.
Grounding, because Junhyung has been floating before, as have his words, and now that they are knocked out of the sky, hitting hard reality, Junhyung’s face morphs into an expression of horror.
Suhyun is a picture-perfect mirror image.
“Oh my God,” Junhyung says, swallowing hard past the sudden lump in his throat.
This is not where he had wanted to break it to him. He would have brought it up when they were alone, with no risk of someone barging in any minute.
Not exactly a topic you talk about in a restaurant courtyard.
“Was that—did you just—”
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to, uh,”’ Junhyung says, gesturing at nothing. Suhyun still looks petrified. “I didn’t want to scare you.”
Suhyun swallows nervously. “You want me to—”
“Forget I brought it up, please,” Junhyung says, trying not to die from all the embarrassment. He really should stop making out with Suhyun, he forgets himself entirely in the process. “We should go back inside, I’m sure the others are already wondering what we’re doing.”
Junhyung scratches his neck, laughing awkwardly, and Suhyun’s silence goes on for so long that Junhyung figures there is no use in sticking around in wait for an answer that may only further embarrass him. He walks past Suhyun, intent on joining the others and avoiding Suhyun’s eyes for the rest of the evening, but then Suhyun’s hand curls around his arm, and Junhyung stops.
“Okay,” is all Suhyun says, too tongue-tied to offer more.
Junhyung blinks at him. “Okay?”
Suhyun looks behind him, checking if anyone is watching them right now - too late for that, Junhyung thinks - and lets his hand wander up to Junhyung’s shoulder, squeezing. “Okay,” he repeats, the meaning emphasized with a kiss.
Junhyung’s brain may be slow tonight, though it catches up quickly now.
“We ought to—” Junhyung clears his throat— “We ought to talk about that some other time.”
Suhyun nods, stepping away first. They do not have to make the effort to go separately, as it might as well be an open secret what they were sneaking away for, but Junhyung excuses himself to the bathroom to splash some water into his face anyway.
The red in his cheeks comes from the cold, or so he tells himself.
Some part of Junhyung knows that he is supposed to be an adult. An adult ought to learn to be communicative, open, honest, and willing to confront even the most difficult of situations with his head held high, unafraid of anything he might face in the process.
But on the same night, sitting across from Suhyun in their very small living room after everyone has gone to sleep - or at least closed the door to their rooms behind them, giving the illusion of privacy - Junhyung is not so sure he is quite ready to meet all the criteria.
It is quiet enough to hear a pin drop, at first. A rarity at their dorm, even this late, but the dinner and the excitement of the day seem to have tired everyone out. All that keeps Junhyung going is his heart beating in his throat.
He figures that he should be the one to speak first, since he is the reason they are still up.
“So…” He starts. Wrings his hands. Suhyun looks up at him, face perfectly neutral, but softer now, his features a little droopier due to the fatigue. “About what I said earlier… It wasn’t supposed to come out, uh, like that. But now that it is out, I suppose there’s no use in taking it back.”
Suhyun huffs a little laugh, “I suppose not.”
“I know that look,” Junhyung says, spotting that lingering smile that Suhyun is trying his hardest to suppress, the one that usually precedes a bout of good-natured teasing. “Please don’t make fun of me right now.”
Suhyun licks his lips, raising an eyebrow, “Why would I make fun of you?”
His tone is light, though still serious enough that Junhyung knows that Suhyun recognizes the importance of this conversation. “It’s embarrassing,” Junhyung provides with a shrug, turning his face away. “Just got—caught up in the moment, didn’t think. And I… well, to be really honest, I just want to—do it. With you.”
Suhyun’s smile drops, and he scoots closer on the sofa, reaching over his crossed legs to touch Junhyung’s arm. “I do too,” Suhyun confesses, quiet but with a slight twitch of his lips. “I didn’t know if—if that was something you wanted as well.”
A little too much, Junhyung thinks. It surprises him that Suhyun has evidently thought about it, too. It begs a lot of questions that Junhyung would like to have answers to, though he begins with the easiest one, “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why didn’t you?” Suhyun counters, deflecting, “I can’t imagine it was just an errant thought you let loose accidentally. I know you’re not the type.”
I know you, is what Junhyung hears, and Suhyun does, probably better than anyone - excluding Dongjun, who for some reason seems to know everything about Junhyung - but it is still a chilling reminder, sometimes. To be known so intimately by someone.
It is ironic, too - to Junhyung, Suhyun remains a mystery more often than not. Someone who does not say much, except when he does, someone who is understanding and comforting when others need him to be, except when he is silently brooding and sitting by himself.
Someone who is aware of how good he looks and uses it to his advantage, to tease Junhyung with it, but whose insecurities sometimes overwhelm him to the point that he would rather not have anyone see him at all.
Perhaps Junhyung does know him - knows to expect the unexpected sometimes.
Knows that, if he has felt anything like Junhyung did, he is nervous and unsure, and that it will take some coaxing and extending his own hand to make sure that Suhyun is honest now.
“I’ve actually been thinking about it for months,” Junhyung says, reaching for Suhyun’s hand on his arm to hold. “Not like—all the time. We’ve been busy with other stuff, and I’m not, you know…”
“Horny all the time?” Suhyun fills in, biting his lip around a grin, like he is trying to hold it back but is far too delighted to tease Junhyung.
Junhyung rolls his eyes, “Yeah, that.”
“Me too, though,” Suhyun finally admits, swallowing around nothing. “I didn’t bring it up because—well, I’m not one for great words, you know that. And this isn’t something you should just do without talking about it first. That’d be very irresponsible, and we’re supposed to be, like, the oldest, right? Setting a good example?”
“Well, I sure hope the others aren’t doing the same reckless thing we’re doing,” Junhyung says, wheezing at the thought.
“Reckless, huh?” Suhyun huffs, though he does not disagree. “Thought we were having fun?”
Junhyung hums, agrees, “Fun can be reckless. You heard what Dongjun-hyung said about us. Neon signs in the dark.”
“That’s just Hyung being dramatic. You know how he gets.”
Junhyung is not so sure it is quite as harmless as Dongjun just being Dongjun. But Dongjun knows all of his secrets, including the fact that he is in love with Suhyun, so any comment he makes about them feels like the ice underneath Junhyung’s feet is getting thinner and thinner as he is walking across a frozen lake.
He does not want to break in, so they must be very careful.
“If we’re doing this…” Junhyung begins, lowering his voice. “No one can know, not even Dongjun-hyung. And we would need to make sure that nobody is here. Then we would, uh, need all the stuff, too, like condoms, lube—”
“Sounds like you got a plan already,” Suhyun chuckles, though his voice shakes with something else, too. “Except the dorm is never empty, is it? How would we manage to get everyone out without anyone getting suspicious of us?”
“Well, we could always—I mean, at your parents’ house, or mine—”
“Wouldn’t that be mortifying if someone caught us there?” Suhyun interrupts, looking utterly horrified at the thought. “I’d rather the members catch us than my parents.”
A shudder runs down Junhyung’s spine, so he supposes that Suhyun has a point. Only they do not exactly have plenty of options here, and the practice room may be sufficient for some make-out sessions or a quick handjob if they get too riled up, but it hardly provides the desired comfort or privacy they would need if they wanted to take their time.
Going to his parents’ house may be a good idea in theory, though in the end, his parents tend to make the most of his rare stays at home, so if he told them he was coming, especially with someone else, there would be no more privacy than at the dorms - and plenty of questions about his relationship to Suhyun that Junhyung will be unable to answer.
Junhyung tries to remember when he had ever been alone here, though the closest it has ever come to empty is around national holidays, on those rare days off that trips home are worth it. Even Junhyung only returns home for Lunar New Year or Chuseok, and he is from Seoul, as is Suhyun, so their trip would be shorter and far less stressful than for some of the others.
Now, even if either of those holidays would send everyone else home, Junhyung could never tell his family that he would stay at the dorms without a good reason why - and having sex with your fellow trainee and future groupmate is hardly an acceptable excuse.
Junhyung sighs.
Maybe it is not meant to be. Maybe this is their sign from the universe that they should not even be considering this, not when it is so impossible to make it happen.
But then—then, it strikes Junhyung, the perfect opportunity.
It only takes one look at the tiny Christmas tree sparkling away with its fairy lights in the corner of the room, decorated with action figures and small plush animals they had lying around, aside from the traditional glitter balls the managers got for them. It is a weak attempt at setting the dorm’s mood on a holiday none of them really celebrate, but it is enough to get the gears inside of Junhyung’s head turning again.
“Are you going home for Christmas?” he asks Suhyun, who blinks in surprise at the question.
He answers, “Wasn’t planning on it. Why?”
“I know that everyone’s going home,” Junhyung says. “Everyone except—”
“Dongjun-hyung,” Suhyun completes, smiling brightly. “We can bribe him into going. What do you think it’ll take for him to leave?”
Just the prospect of having that conversation sounds like absolute hell. Dongjun can be very difficult when he wants to be, when you want something from him, extra difficult when it is Junhyung asking, and even though Suhyun will be there to soften the blow, his demands may be outrageous enough to make Dongjun knowing not worth it at all.
“A lot,” Junhyung predicts, feeling tired all of a sudden. He wonders if their shared desire is powerful enough to prevail throughout all of these challenges - Junhyung’s patience is already running out, and he has not even asked Dongjun for anything yet.
“Look, I’ll make you a deal,” Suhyun says, his fingers tapping against Junhyung’s skin absentmindedly. “You’ll take care of the condoms and lube and everything, and I’ll take care of Dongjun-hyung. Equal distribution of labor.”
Junhyung would be a fool to refuse such a generous offer, “Deal.”
He does not want to think about how he will go about buying everything they need, since ordering a package to the dorms that might fall into the hands of nosy group members - or worse, an overbearing manager - is too risky. He does not have any siblings to help him out, either, though perhaps, he could ask Jihoon how he manages, because Junhyung knows for a fact that Jihoon somehow does manage.
Asking Jihoon for something might be no less embarrassing, though, and there is that problem of being unable to catch him within the next two weeks, which is not as likely as it used to be.
The easiest and quickest solution would be to run to a convenience store and just grab everything, together with the snacks that he usually gets after practice, or even after an evening at the gym. No shame in that, is there? No need to waste his thoughts on the possibility of a random cashier recognizing him from earlier runs, they are only doing their job, waiting for their time to clock off.
What should they care about a kid who merely intends to buy everything he needs to practice safe sex?
Except Junhyung is aware of himself and his tendencies to make his own life even more difficult, is aware that even something so simple as a convenience store run is easily messed up when he is on edge, which he no doubt will be once the time comes, and hiding his loot after is going to be just as impossible.
Junhyung will have to time it perfectly, construct a plan to buy everything, and be as inconspicuous about it as he possibly can be - and yet, despite the complexity of this rather important task, it is going to be a thousand times better than having to ask Dongjun for anything - owing Hwang Dongjun a favor is no way to start into a new year.
“So… we’re really doing this, huh?” Suhyun breaks him out of his thoughts, a giddy sort of character to his tone, a tremble too, and—oh God, they are really doing this.
“Yeah,” Junhyung breathes, willing his voice to be steady and failing miserably. “I suppose we are.”
It has not occurred to Junhyung until now, not fully anyway. They have a time and a place, mutual excitement running through their veins—
It is nerve-wracking, all of it, and in the best way imaginable.
Scary, too, especially because Junhyung cannot say that he has much experience, and he does not want to end up disappointing Suhyun with his lack of expertise.
“Have you done this before?” Junhyung cannot help but ask, no matter how red he goes the moment he says it.
“A few times,” Suhyun says, frowning. “Before I came here, with a trainee at my old company. As far as first times go, it wasn’t… really good.”
“Oh.”
Junhyung does not know what he expected. Suhyun has always been so confident with him, never batted an eyelash when it came to seducing him, so Junhyung naturally assumed that Suhyun’s old company had something to do with it - though not as much as he thought, as it appears.
“How about you?” Suhyun asks.
“Before I became a trainee. With a girl from my school I really liked. Though I didn’t really know what I was doing, then,” Junhyung laughs. It is no crime to be nineteen, training to be an idol with a dating ban, and not exactly having an abundance of partners in your past to speak of, but he figures that Suhyun ought to know what he is going to be dealing with.
Although Junhyung is far from confident now, he is a lot more familiar with Suhyun than he was with the girl, knows what Suhyun likes and what he does not - perhaps, that will count for something.
“So we’re both a little clueless, then?” Suhyun quips, knocking his head against Junhyung’s. “Don’t overthink it. We’ll figure it out together.”
“Get out of my head,” Junhyung whispers, meaning for it to sound amused, light, but in the end, it comes out a tad too serious for his liking. Suhyun is so close to catching him, or maybe he already has.
“I like it in there, though,” Suhyun replies, and it seems that Junhyung’s trouble has escaped him, this time. He leans in the rest of the way to leave a feather-light kiss on Junhyung’s lips. “It’s my favorite pastime to haunt you like that.”
Junhyung huffs, shaking his head in disbelief, and although he pulls back from the kiss immediately, Suhyun just continues to smile at him.
“I’ve noticed,” Junhyung replies softly, definitely fondly. There are worse ghosts spooking around in his head, after all, and Suhyun has become his favorite of them all, far too quickly, far too easily.
With one last kiss to Junhyung’s cheek, Suhyun starts to get up from the sofa, but Junhyung cannot let him go before he has not said something first.
“Suhyun-ah,” Junhyung murmurs into the quiet room, Suhyun’s hand still wrapped up in his. “You can tell me anything, you know? Great words or not. I mean—you’ve said it. We’ll figure it out together.”
Suhyun looks stunned for one wonderful moment in the dim living room lights, then he nods, squeezes Junhyung’s hand. “Okay,” he says. “Yeah, okay, I’ll—I’ll try and keep that in mind.”
Junhyung hums, letting go of Suhyun’s hand, feeling like a fool for missing it instantly. Suhyun says, “Good night,” in a murmur that has Junhyung shiver, and then disappears into the bathroom.
Junhyung lets himself fall back against the sofa’s cushions, his hands falling to his face as he lets out a silent scream that ends in a grin, inexplicably.
With Christmas right around the corner, Junhyung will hardly be able to sit still, nor contain his trepidation and excitement.
“Good night, indeed,” Junhyung mumbles to no one but himself.
Everything is a little strange, like this, if he thinks too hard about it. But overthinking is not allowed, so Junhyung gets up from the sofa, goes to his room, (finds four teenagers sleeping peacefully in their beds,) and concerns himself with getting ready to sleep, as well.
—
Junhyung is able to pinpoint the exact moment in time that Suhyun has spoken to Dongjun - Dongjun has his fun with Junhyung on a nearly daily basis, but the extra devilish curve to his smirk can only come from one thing. At the first eyebrow wiggle, Junhyung decides to pretend he does not know what Dongjun is attempting to insinuate, even as the younger ones start giggling because of Junhyung’s suffering.
He can only imagine what Suhyun has had to do to get on Dongjun’s good side. It is rather obvious that Suhyun must have asked him not to tease Junhyung about it, no more than he does with those comical expressions, or else, Dongjun would not have hesitated to voice his commentary as well.
He certainly does not when he leaves the dorm on the morning of Christmas Eve. He is one of the last to depart, does not even have to go so early, but Junhyung guesses it is part of the deal he has made with Suhyun. When Junhyung comes into the living room to say goodbye, he already expects the sly grin, greets it with a sigh as he gives Dongjun a brief hug, but what he does not expect is Dongjun wishing him a wonderful Christmas, and more importantly—
“Don’t overdo it with the exercise , yeah?” Dongjun says, patting Junhyung’s shoulder with a perceptively kind smile. “We’ll have practice again in just a few days.”
Of course. It would have been naive to think Junhyung would get away unscathed and with his inner peace fully intact. But if Dongjun wishes to play this game, then Junhyung will not begrudge him for it - he is a player, as well, and now it is time for his turn.
“Of course, Hyung, don’t you worry,” he says, returning Dongjun’s cat-like grin. “We’ll keep the exercise in your room to a minimum.”
“Ah,” Dongjun laughs, shaking Junhyung’s shoulders in amusement. “My Junhyungie playing around. Do that more often, it’s entertaining.”
“Sure,” Junhyung sighs, surrendering.
“Seriously though,” Dongjun says, sobering up. His eyes are very serious as they stare into Junhyung’s, demanding his full attention. “If you do anything on my bed, I will never leave you two alone again. You hear me? Never.”
The threat would almost be scary, if it wasn’t coming from Dongjun. Junhyung is not looking for any trouble, though, so he just nods, trying to look as earnest and solemn as possible.
“Good,” Dongjun says, and then, against all odds, he smiles. “Have fun. Don’t think too much. I know how you get.”
“Thank you, Hyung,” Junhyung says, appreciating even the smallest reassurances from Dongjun.
After Dongjun, only Junseong and Woojin remain until the late afternoon. Suhyun spends his time in his room, watching a movie or reading one of the books from the pile by his bed.
Junhyung vanishes to the gym around lunchtime because he is unable to sit still and wait as everyone filters out, and he cannot hang around Suhyun unless he wants to combust from nerves alone.
He likes working out. He likes going to the gym. And yes, he does like to watch himself working out in the mirrored wall of the gym. He looks good, and he is working hard for that, he is allowed to enjoy himself.
It is a great way to blow off steam and rid himself of remnants of stress and insecurities, of which there are a lot, even on the good days.
Like today. Today is definitely a good day. Junhyung knows it is.
However, it does not mean that he does not want to jump out of the window at the mere thought of their evening activities, as excited as he is, or maybe because he is.
If someone were to ask him how he was feeling, scared would come to mind - and horny, too. Very scared, and very, very horny.
The past few days, it was easy enough to follow their training schedules and not lend a single thought to the whole thing, but now, Junhyung picks up his gym bag after training, and all which circles around in his head are condoms and lube.
He figures it is as good a hiding place as any, beneath his water bottles and gym clothes, and definitely nowhere people would look on their own accord unless they crave the smell of hard work and hours upon hours of effort.
Or, well, sweat.
Though so long as Junhyung has timed it right, no one but Suhyun should be left once he arrives at the dorms - but he feels better being safe than sorry.
So, actually going to the gym should make the entire ordeal far more bearable when his hands are not shaking from how nervous he is, and it has him feel less like a liar, leaving the dorm with the bag.
He is going to buy some snacks. His favorite, Suhyun’s favorite. A few ramyeon packages so they can have a Christmas feast after. Condoms, lube, no problem at all. Fits right in with all the other stuff. Junhyung has chanced a few glances at the shelves at their regular store to know which brand to get, just so he can confidently grab what he needs and not overthink on the spot.
For someone who has been told many times not to overthink, he sure has put a whole lot of thought into this.
As soon as he enters the convenience store, Junhyung simply squares his shoulders, turns his chin up, and tries to look as though he has done this multiple times before. This is not their usual convenience store, so there is no chance of the unfortunate cashier recognizing Junhyung as a trainee from the nearby company, although he supposes that there is not much to do with such sensational news since Junhyung is not even remotely famous.
Junhyung zones out until he has to face the cashier, who rings him up quickly, and with an incredibly bored expression on his face. Junhyung pays with the money his mother had sent him for Christmas, accompanied by the words that he ought to treat himself to something nice now that he has worked so hard, and Junhyung’s imagination treats him kindly enough and does not picture his mother’s reaction to his current purchase.
Just as the cashier wishes him a nice holiday, Junhyung notices a self-checkout by the store’s entrance, nearly slapping himself in the face right then and there - in the end, he decides to count it as a development of a strong character, and ignores the heat that has settled into his cheeks.
By the time he arrives at the dorms, the afternoon sun is beginning its descent towards the horizon, and Suhyun is lounging on their sofa, reading a book. With how quickly Suhyun jumps up as soon as he hears the door open, Junhyung assumes that they are alone now.
And is that not utterly terrifying?
In theory, Junhyung knows what is supposed to happen next; he is supposed to join Suhyun on the sofa, make out with him, seduce him, and—God.
Junhyung is having sex tonight.
Perhaps it will finally help him get out of his own head for a little while.
But he stands in the doorway, his gym bag still slung over his shoulder, and he can only imagine that he looks like a lost puppy with the way he fiddles with the bag’s strap. It is not until Suhyun is right in front of him that Junhyung stops and turns his attention to him, relaxed and pretty even in the lurid light.
“You okay?” Suhyun asks, a hand resting against Junhyung’s neck. He must feel Junhyung’s pulse skyrocketing.
“Yes,” Junhyung breathes, and although he says it without much of a thought, he realizes that he means it. “Sorry, I am a little—”
Junhyung trails off, biting his lip. It is self-evident, even to someone who is not as well-versed in all things Son Junhyung as Suhyun is.
“Nervous? Yeah, I can see that,” Suhyun smiles, the kindest Junhyung has ever seen him. He takes the bag from Junhyung’s shoulder, and runs his hand appreciatively over Junhyung’s biceps as he does so.
“I went to the convenience store on the way back,” Junhyung supplies, right as Suhyun intends to discard the gym bag on the living room floor. He halts in his movements, setting it down on the sofa instead to open it and inspect Junhyung’s loot, grinning like a wild cat when he spots his favorite snack.
He unpacks everything, Junhyung yet still as a statue, and does not comment on the lube and condoms as he takes them out as well, though he does falter a little, if just for a second.
“Are you nervous?” Junhyung asks, then, so he is not the only one caught in the act.
“Obviously,” Suhyun laughs, though it sounds strained. “It didn’t help that you took so long. I was almost losing it before you came.”
“Well, I’m here now,” Junhyung says, finally breaking out of his stupor and pulling Suhyun into his arms in a fit of courage. “Now we can lose it together.”
—
They put on a movie, just to have some background noise. The volume is turned down low, entirely by design, and they let it play out as they start making out.
Despite everything, despite knowing where the night is going to end, there is no rush to it, and Junhyung would almost describe it as sensual, not heated as it usually is, not hurried when they know their time is limited. It is more comfortable, too, because Junhyung gets to lay Suhyun down onto the mattress without having to worry about the hard floor of the practice room starting to hurt his back at some point.
It is so much nicer this way when he can take his time with him. When they do not have to be anywhere else for at least a whole day, when there is no one waiting for them but each other.
That, before anything, is what calms Junhyung down in the end. His heart may be of a different opinion, still beating wildly, but as long as Suhyun’s heart is beating in sync, they are on the same page, and the excitement feels less unsettling, less intimidating.
It is inevitable that Junhyung’s leg slots between Suhyun’s. That his hands wander to Suhyun’s waist, then lower to his thighs - and it is familiar territory, all of that, even when they come to rest above his crotch. Suhyun groans against his mouth, and it makes Junhyung grin with pride.
Everything is about small wins with Suhyun - Junhyung knows his way around his body, and he knows that he can only get away with so much until Suhyun feels the need to turn the tables on him. He is a sore loser, that Kim Suhyun, so riling him up is a special sort of fun. Junhyung never manages to do it in any other context.
Junhyung decides to take it even further and trails a few kisses down Suhyun’s neck as he palms his dick through his sweatpants. Suhyun releases shaky gasps that are music to Junhyung's ears. They spur him on, all of these little noises. Every time he hears them, Junhyung is reminded that there is a reason Suhyun enjoys having the upper hand. If it even feels half as good as it does for Junhyung to upend Suhyun’s entire world with just a few touches, a few kisses, he understands.
So little does so much - Junhyung is anxious to see what will happen once they are entirely caught up in each other.
They lose their shirts as soon as Junhyung sits firmly in Suhyun’s lap, wrapping his arms around Suhyun’s neck as he goes in for more and more kisses, grinding down against his crotch all the while, only now it is not just Suhyun who is affected. The friction is barely enough to satisfy their growing desire, and they seek to be closer and closer, their kisses turning messy, their hands wandering anywhere they can reach.
Suhyun does not make it a secret that his focus lies with Junhyung’s chest muscles and his arms, and yes, perhaps Junhyung has gotten more satisfaction out building them because he likes when Suhyun’s hands roam. It has rarely ever come to this, to bare hands on bare skin with the warmth of the contact translating into shivers. Only ever in the showers when they had to be quick were they able to explore a bit further, though not for long enough to actually enjoy it.
Now, Suhyun’s thumb starts circling Junhyung’s nipple, and Junhyung is so surprised and overwhelmed with the feeling that he even lets out a moan.
Nothing too obscene.
It ends up more of a whine than anything more substantial, though it is loud enough that Junhyung instinctually clasps a hand over his mouth - before he remembers.
They are alone, with no threat of anyone walking in on them or being disturbed by their noisiness.
Even Suhyun’s eyes blow wide in his usual response. Then Junhyung grins at him, dives in for a quick kiss before he slides his fingers below the waistband of Suhyun’s boxers and pulls them down, sweatpants discarded with them. Suhyun gives a confused hiss as his cock springs free from its confines, hard against his stomach, and then Junhyung resurfaces to face him only to push him down by the shoulders.
“I’m going to suck you off now,” he announces, and Suhyun gulps, blinks at him as though they were anywhere else and not in bed literally about to have sex, and it is almost funny, how Junhyung is privy to these moments of his, when the devil is too slow to realize what is happening.
Junhyung gives him the time to catch up, his grin growing with every second Suhyun takes.
Once he nods, Junhyung leans in to whisper something into Suhyun’s ear, kissing a trail from his neck upwards till he reaches it, “Be as loud as you want. No holding back.”
“Holy shit, Junhyung-ah,” Suhyun breathes, pulling Junhyung in for another kiss before he can go down on him, but Junhyung is no one to complain.
This is easy, still. Taking their time feels good, feels better than what they have been doing for the past year. It provides the perfect opportunity to tease Suhyun as much as he tends to tease Junhyung whenever he possibly can.
So, yes; maybe Junhyung is purposefully making him suffer just a little bit. Maybe his fingers brush over the tip of Suhyun’s cock more than he actually grips it, maybe his tongue is doing kitten licks when he normally takes it into his mouth.
Holding Suhyun’s thighs, feeling them tremble underneath his fingertips, and then, the vocal complaint of, “Is this what you call—oh my God—is this what you call sucking me off?” Junhyung bites the inside of his thigh in retaliation for the cheek, and Suhyun nearly screams before he bursts into laughter. “Yah, what the hell?”
“Shut up, or else I’m going to stop,” Junhyung says, pulling off entirely for a moment, but of course, Suhyun has a smart reply for that as well.
“Now what is it, shut up or don’t hold back? Make up your mind.” He smirks, propping himself up on his elbows to look at Junhyung with his eyebrows raised.
That clever little shit.
Junhyung just rolls his eyes - fine then. If Suhyun really wants to scream, Junhyung will make him scream.
He may not be as skilled at blowjobs as Suhyun is - which begs the question of whether it is just a natural skill of his, or if this trainee from his previous company showed him a thing or two - but months of practice and getting to know Suhyun have made Junhyung quite confident in his own abilities.
He may not have Suhyun screaming by the end of it, but the fact that Suhyun’s hand is gripping Junhyung’s hair and pulling to the point of pain, is gratification enough. That sharp pain in particular has Junhyung moaning around Suhyun’s dick, unexpected as it is, which results in a deep groan emerging from Suhyun’s throat.
Junhyung really has his fun with him.
Win after win, and he can push even further.
Except Suhyun’s sounds become louder, and it seems like he is losing control over his every sense, which can only mean one thing.
Junhyung pulls off immediately, feels muscles twitch in shock at the sudden action, and not a second later, Suhyun begins to whine.
Junhyung comes up to face him again, to kiss the whine right off his mouth, and he grins against his lips when Suhyun seems to have had enough of losing and flips them over in one swift motion - with a strength that only a very stubborn and horny Suhyun is capable of.
“You’re awfully bold for someone who could barely keep it together earlier,” Suhyun rasps, hovering over him. His chest is still heaving.
Junhyung smirks. “You didn’t seem to mind just now.”
“Try having your soul sucked out of you and minding,” Suhyun rolls his eyes, but he ends up smiling at Junhyung all the same.
“I’m definitely open to trying that,” Junhyung counters, propping himself up on his elbows and wiggling his eyebrows. Suhyun, the sore loser that he is, just shakes his head, and grinds down extra hard in retaliation for Junhyung’s cheekiness.
Junhyung cannot even be mad, even as he draws in a sharp breath.
“I think we better start—you know,” Suhyun says, biting his lower lip, and Junhyung swallows heavily. Suhyun cocks his head, putting a hand on Junhyung’s neck, and his gaze changes, now soft and understanding. “Don’t lose your cheek now, Junhyung-ah. It’s actually quite the turn-on.”
This slip of truth makes Junhyung snort. He appreciates Suhyun so much for it. Now he does not want to disappoint him, either.
“I’ll try,” Junhyung promises, kissing him, maybe a little longer than he has to - it is an act of gratitude as well, he needs to make sure Suhyun receives it properly. “So… how are we doing this?”
“That depends,” Suhyun murmurs into his ear, starting to move his hips in a rocking motion. Junhyung closes his eyes to get more out of the feeling, because in all of his teasing, and now Suhyun’s too, he had completely forgotten that his dick is almost painfully hard, still trapped in his pants.
All the while, Suhyun is sitting on top of him, naked and frankly the most gorgeous Junhyung has ever seen him, which is saying a lot since Junhyung cannot recall a single moment Suhyun has not looked gorgeous to him.
Needless to say, Junhyung is a little pent-up.
“Depends on what?” He asks.
Suhyun just hums. “Depends on if you want to fuck me…” Suhyun mouths along his jaw, places a few kisses on Junhyung’s face before he levels him a heated gaze. “… Or if you want me to fuck you.”
Somewhere beneath the cloudy haze of horniness inside Junhyung’s mind, there is a voice telling him that they should have discussed this beforehand. This is hardly a decision he feels capable of making in his current position.
“Do you, uh, have any preference?” Junhyung asks.
“Not really,” Suhyun offers. “I’m good with either. I know I can make you fall apart either way.”
“Oh?” Junhyung raises an eyebrow, huffing a laugh. “And you think I couldn’t?”
“Evidently, you can,” Suhyun kisses him, and it is searing hot. Addictive. “So what’ll it be?”
Junhyung is not sure what seems more daunting to him - when in the end, it is clear that Suhyun wants to take the initiative anyway, when really, they have got enough time tonight and tomorrow to do it both ways.
That first step is so difficult, but Junhyung resolves not to let it hold him back. He knows what he wants, and what he wants is Suhyun.
“I think I’d like to fuck you, if that's all right,” Junhyung decides, searching Suhyun’s face for surprise, or disapproval, but Suhyun just smirks.
“Excellent,” Suhyun says. “First we’re gonna get those pants off, though. It’s a bit unfair that I’m the only one naked here.”
Junhyung gets an idea, then. With a sultry voice, he says, “Would you like me to strip for you, baby ?”
He does not expect Suhyun to start laughing at him. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Suhyun says, and Junhyung is just left confused. He supposes he has learned his lesson - no words of seduction with Suhyun unless you are into being laughed at.
“Please—I was just—Okay. Okay, baby,” Suhyun gets out between his chuckles, and okay, okay, Junhyung understands. Well, all right, perhaps Junhyung has no interest in letting himself feel embarrassed anymore.
Time to retaliate.
“Yes, baby,” Junhyung says, sitting up abruptly, causing Suhyun to almost lose his balance. He wraps his arms around Suhyun’s back, first to steady, then to pull him close against his chest, effectively trapping Suhyun’s cock between their stomachs. It elicits a small gasp. “Don’t like it when I call you baby?”
To Junhyung’s delight, Suhyun does not look like he saw that coming. His laughter dies on his lips at Junhyung’s loaded gaze, and something shifts in his expression. “No, I… You caught me off guard, that's all.”
“Good,” Junhyung says, winking, and under different circumstances, he would have patted his shoulder in pride. Right now, though, Junhyung lowers his hands to Suhyun’s ass cheeks, and lifts him off of him with a firm grip before he sits him back down on top of the sheets.
“Holy shit, that was hot,” Junhyung hears Suhyun whisper, almost reverently, and Junhyung’s smirk only widens. He stands with his back towards Suhyun’s bed, and decides to stretch a little, because he knows it will make for a bit of a show, will put his back muscles on display.
He does not strip down with much of an extravagance - Suhyun does not deserve it after he has laughed at him - simply gets rid of his pants and his underwear one after the other, and immediately once they are discarded on the floor, Suhyun wraps his arms around Junhyung’s middle. His head comes to rest on Junhyung’s shoulder, so he must be kneeling on the bed.
When he chances a glance over his shoulder, he is met with Suhyun’s lips almost immediately, although the kiss is not much of a kiss, rather a messy attempt. Suhyun whispers, “You make me go crazy, Son Junhyung.”
Junhyung turns around, seizes Suhyun by the arms, and makes them fall back on the sheets. Now with their cocks together, velvety skin against skin, Junhyung gasps, whines even - after so long without any stimulation at all, the effects of the smallest touches are amplified tenfold, sending sparks all throughout his body.
He rasps, “Likewise, Kim Suhyun,” into Suhyun’s lips, giving into this temporary madness. Junhyung reaches for the bottle of lube, then, intent on getting things rolling now, and Suhyun watches with rapt attention. Junhyung feels a hand against his cheek, turning Junhyung’s face towards his, asking, “You want to prep me?”
Junhyung frowns. “Well, yes, isn’t that kind of necessary?”
Suhyun smiles up at him, “It is. I just figured I’d be doing it. Or have you fingered someone before?”
“No,” Junhyung says, though that does not make him want to do it any less. “I want to, though. You just tell me what to do, yeah?”
“Yeah, yeah, all right,” Suhyun says, biting his lips in anticipation. “One finger at a time. Don’t be stingy with the lube, please.”
Junhyung takes a deep breath in, releases it after a few seconds, and then says, “You’ll tell me if it hurts?”
“Of course,” Suhyun promises, though his eyes sparkle with something else. “I’ll let you know when it’s pleasant, too.”
Junhyung laughs, squeezing a dollop of lube on two fingers - warming it up between them, he read it makes it more comfortable - and finds that Suhyun has already turned on his stomach, presenting his ass to Junhyung, and weirdly enough, Junhyung gets the urge to bite.
So, he does.
“Hey!”
“Sorry, couldn’t help myself,” Junhyung grins.
He does not waste any more time after that. He may be nervous, but this is simple. He has read a few articles. Suhyun is guiding him. This is no big deal.
He teases at the rim first, just to see Suhyun’s reaction - even more glorious than he thought, and ever the complainer, “No more teasing, Junhyung-ah, or I’m going to die.”
And they would not want that, would they? That would be rather difficult to explain to a manager.
So, Junhyung grants his wish - no more teasing. He starts with one finger, pushes it past his rim knuckle by knuckle, the slide easy enough with the amount of lube he has used. Suhyun groans into the pillow he is hugging and burying his face into.
So far, so good.
Junhyung thrusts the first finger in and out, then Suhyun asks him for another, so Junhyung is careful to add it. It is an even tighter fit now, but Junhyung begins scissoring his fingers inside, Suhyun’s breathing getting heavier with every push past his rim.
“You good?” Junhyung checks in, angling his fingers a little different in search of—
“Oh,” Suhyun suddenly moans. “Very good. That’s—fuck, that’s it.”
Junhyung is in awe, admittedly. He emphasizes his thrusts a little, works his fingers slower but with more force, and Suhyun’s moans become deeper, more gravelly, sounds unlike any Junhyung has ever heard from him. All of them go straight to his own dick, which has gotten little attention thus far.
Junhyung finds that he did not even mind that so much, not when he made use of his time by teasing Suhyun.
Soon enough, Junhyung adds more lube to his fingers, adds a third one that has Suhyun lose all of his control over the noises he is making, and Junhyung just cannot help but start kissing up Suhyun’s spine. His thrusts lose their rhythm, and his fingers slip out a few times, but there is no complaint from Suhyun, whose humming approval reverberates through every layer of skin that is touching.
When he reaches Suhyun’s shoulder, Junhyung remains, kissing his neck once, twice, then focuses on the movement of his fingers, trying to move them faster, but Suhyun’s hand comes up to touch the side of his head, asking him to, “Stop, you’re—you’re going to make me cum.”
Junhyung’s fingers still immediately, though he cannot help the swell of pride, funnily enough. He murmurs, “What, you don’t think you could keep going?”
“Could you?” Suhyun asks, even though they both know that he probably could. There was that one time in the practice room that still finds its way into his wettest dreams. But Suhyun does not actually want him to recall that, and says instead, “I think I’m good, Junhyung-ah.”
Junhyung pulls his fingers out, then, sits back up on his knees and reaches for the towel they put on the bed with them, wiping off the excess lube. He spends longer on the cleaning to collect his nerves for what happens next, then tries to go for one of the condoms, but Suhyun has beaten him to it.
“Sit up against the pillow,” he demands gently, so Junhyung does. Suhyun is in his lap not a second later, opening the packet to reveal a condom. “Are you… are you good to go?” He asks Junhyung, who swallows but nods, stroking against Suhyun’s arms. Suhyun rolls the condom onto his dick not a second later, then squeezes a bit of lube on his hand, and starts jerking Junhyung off to spread it over the condom.
It dawns on Junhyung that this is it. He is really having sex with Suhyun. All the fucking way.
It is incredible.
“You ready?” Suhyun asks, lifting his hips slightly and reaching an arm behind himself.
“Yes,” Junhyung says, very, very sure. Suhyun guides his dick to his rim, going down excruciatingly slowly, breathing irregularly. Junhyung feels him tense underneath his hands, so he leans forward just enough to brush his lips against every available surface of his face, trying to distract him as his hands run up and down his arms as well.
“Take your time,” Junhyung whispers, hoping it comes out reassuring.
Soon enough, Junhyung bottoms out, and Suhyun’s head drops against his shoulders, his arms slung around Junhyung’s neck in search of support.
The feeling of being inside Suhyun is overpowering his every sense, too enticing not to move and make something of it, but Suhyun asks him to wait, and Junhyung is happy to wait an eternity, really, as long as Suhyun needs to adjust. It feels oddly intimate, being connected with him like this, and Junhyung shall enjoy every second of it.
Who knows when they will get to take their time again, after all?
“God,” Suhyun pants. Junhyung’s hands find Suhyun’s thighs, stroking across the expanse of skin in circular motions. “It’s really been a while. Forgot how—overwhelming it feels.”
“You’re doing so great,” Junhyung whispers, resting his head against Suhyun’s. “Just tell me when you’re ready. We’ve got time.”
Junhyung feels hot all over, so close to Suhyun, closer than ever before, and he too needs to relax before they can go on. It is a difficult task, when Suhyun alone makes him so restless, makes him want to confess all of his secrets, though even in his sex-addled haze, Junhyung knows that professing his love to Suhyun would be a little too much.
And a mood killer, for sure, should Suhyun not be in love with him as well. Junhyung can be as certain as he wants to be, though in the end, he does not know Suhyun’s true feelings for him.
In any case, Junhyung does not want to lose what he has with him.
“Are you okay?” Suhyun lifts his head, regarding Junhyung with a frown.
Junhyung blinks at him, confused. “Yeah, of course, why are you asking?”
“You’re hugging me quite tightly right now,” Suhyun says, almost matter-of-fact. Junhyung did not even realize that his arms moved around Suhyun’s waist. “You know I’m not going anywhere, right?”
For emphasis, Suhyun gives the tiniest movement around Junhyung’s dick, and their simultaneous moans make them share a laugh under their breath.
“Of course not,” Junhyung says, rather soft, rather obvious. “I’m okay, Suhyun-ah. And you—you seem pretty okay, too.”
“I promised to ruin you, didn’t I?” Suhyun tilts his head as his smile turns into a smirk, and Junhyung is so very much in love with the devil, it is almost ridiculous, but he has signed his fate long ago.
Junhyung is quite happy with the deal he has made.
When Suhyun starts moving his hips, grinding down, it feels closer to heaven than hell, anyway. And Junhyung has never been one for religious experiences, but he is going to start believing right about now.
Suhyun’s movements are downright sinful, though Junhyung should have expected this from his favorite dancer. He is beginning to lift his hips only to drop them down again, fucking himself on Junhyung’s cock, and Junhyung’s fingers start digging deeper into Suhyun’s back, and he is sure it will leave marks Junhyung can marvel at even tomorrow.
Suhyun is everywhere all at once, making good on his promise to ruin Junhyung. It takes everything in him to savor the moment, and not have it end prematurely.
He just so remembers to wrap his hands around Suhyun’s dick to stroke it in time with his movements, making Suhyun mewl with pleasure. Suhyun will not take this loss lightly, increases his pace as he dives in for a kiss, messy and wet and completely missing Junhyung’s mouth, which has both of them giggling again, mad as they are together.
Junhyung does some experimental thrusts upwards, which ends in Suhyun fully losing his already dwindling capabilities of proper kissing as Junhyung hits the right spot, though not after a few uncoordinated attempts. They are a little out of sync at first, their enthusiasm getting the better of them, but when Junhyung finds his target, Suhyun matches him in a matter of seconds.
For a while, there is nothing but their moaning, their panting, and some forgotten voices from the movie that they can barely hear outside of their own bubble, outside of the kisses they try to share even as they are already as close as can be - there is this need for more, and even more, more still despite having so much and overflowing with it, and Junhyung finds that he could not even stop if he wanted to.
But there is such a thing as human stamina, and Suhyun slows down, murmurs, “Can we—” before Junyhung gets the idea of it from Suhyun’s heavily-beating heart underneath Junhyung’s fingertips, and flips them over again. With Suhyun on his back all of a sudden, and Junhyung’s cock slipping out for even a second, there are some whiny protests that Junhyung silences with his lips for what feels like the hundredth time tonight. He presses his cock back against Suhyun’s rim, pushing in with no resistance at all, and grips Suhyun’s thighs for leverage as he picks up his strokes again.
Junhyung has always been prone to sweat a lot, but now that he is so worked up from all this exertion, the relief at the delicious friction of his cock inside Suhyun, and the room growing hotter and hotter by the minute, he knows he must be sight for sore eyes - his hair plastered to his forehead and the back of his neck, his entire upper body already glistening from the sweat, if one look away from Suhyun is enough to tell.
Any other time, any other place, Junhyung knows it would bother him. As much as he may be used to it, he has always found it quite unappealing, uncomfortable.
Right now, he does not care one bit.
All he cares about are Suhyun’s melodious moans mixing with his own panting, and the way Suhyun’s thigh muscles start twitching the closer he gets to orgasm. Junhyung feels himself approaching the edge as well, feels it building and building in his entire body, and even as his thrusts grow more uncoordinated, faster in their pace, Suhyun’s moans increase in their volume, his hands gripping the sheets almost painfully.
“Touch yourself, baby,” Junhyung manages to murmur when he leans down, reaching for one of Suhyun’s hands to guide it to his cock. “Touch yourself for me.”
“F-fuck, Junhyung,” Suhyun moans, sounding absolutely wrecked.
In the end, Junhyung figures that the ruining is mutual. Suhyun practically weeps when his hands finally touch his cock, and all things considered, it is admirable how long he endured despite all of Junhyung’s teasing.
Junhyung latches onto his lower neck, his collarbones, right as Suhyun’s whines become more high-pitched, and Junhyung decides to join the hand that is jerking him off, wrapping around it to aid in every stroke. It does not take too long until Suhyun cums after that, all over his stomach and both of their hands, and Junhyung slows in his thrusts when he feels Suhyun shake in every body part afterwards, nearly thrashing about with the force of his orgasm.
With the way Suhyun tightens around Junhyung’s cock, Junhyung joins him after only a few more thrusts, toppling over that edge and letting himself fall, groaning into Suhyun’s neck.
It is deathly quiet, after.
For a few seconds, Junhyung cannot hear anything, and all he feels is Suhyun’s body underneath his, his chest rising and falling as he catches his breath. They are a mess of limbs with Junhyung still buried inside Suhyun, the cum across Suhyun’s stomach must already start to feel icky, and yet Junhyung has to summon all of his strength to prop himself up on his elbows and pull out. A tired whine escapes Suhyun’s lips as he does so.
Junhyung takes off the condom and ties it, walking on wobbly legs to discard it into the trash that he is most definitely going to take out later, though for now, he simply returns to the bed. He reaches for their towel, cleans Suhyun and himself off as best as it allows, and then throws it off the bed, hoping it will not land on any of Dongjun’s prized possessions.
He is living dangerously, he thinks briefly, but as he returns to Suhyun’s side, slinging a leg and an arm over his body as he noses at his neck again, his priorities lie elsewhere entirely.
Junhyung feels content like this. Sharing the silence with Suhyun, having explored new depths of intimacy.
That confession knocks against the inside of his skull again, but Junhyung shuts it down, just tightens his embrace and places a kiss to his shoulder as he maneuvers them into a spooning position. He notices that Suhyun’s hands find his, his fingers idly tapping against them as he takes a deep breath, seeming just as content as Junhyung.
Junhyung is growing more and more aware of how gross they are, especially as the sweat is drying off their skin and makes the heat in the room seem more like a chill, but it is not for another few minutes that there is true development.
It should not feel so different now when Suhyun kisses him. When his hands come to cradle Junhyung’s face, and the kiss is loaded, tender, and telling so much when Suhyun often says so little.
Junhyung kisses back, returning the message, and he does not question why he receives it now of all times. He does not need to.
It all boils down to this, to what they have done. To know that for all that they have been talking all night, now is the time to be quiet for a moment, to enjoy the silence and each other in it. Even the movie has nothing to offer anymore.
It is just them. Nothing has changed, and yet everything has.
But still - just them.
“Can I ask you something?” Suhyun asks him when he draws back, his voice low to match the atmosphere, and Junhyung nods, meeting his eyes to let him know that he is paying attention. “Why me?”
Junhyung thinks he imagines the question, though that would be absurd. To Junhyung, it was never much of a debate, or a pro/con list.
Truth be told, Junhyung has never given it much of a thought at all.
“What do you mean?” He asks.
“Before me—there must have been other people who caught your attention,” Suhyun elaborates, withdrawing his hands from Junhyung’s face. “I mean, there’s Dongjun-hyung, no? Some of the other trainees? From how everyone talked, there were some cute girls around too. But you’ve never gone and done the same things we did. Do.”
“Well, for one, no one ever noticed me staring at them like a high school boy with a crush and decided to make out with me one day,” Junhyung goes, running his hand across Suhyun’s back. “And… I can’t say that anyone has ever turned my head the way you did.”
This is dangerous territory, Junhyung realizes. Dangerous for both of them. What use was there in trying to hold back when honesty gets to him after the deed is done, just because Suhyun is asking the right questions and Junhyung does not wish to lie to him?
“I was nothing special, though,” Suhyun says, with a laugh that is supposed to lighten the weight of that statement but makes it heavier instead. “I am nothing special right now. I mean—”
“Stop, stop,” Junhyung says, knocking their sweaty foreheads together. “I don’t know where I went wrong that you think that you are nothing special—nothing special to me—but let me assure you, my life would be much, much less exciting without you.”
Suhyun’s eyes are soft, vulnerable, but he is smiling, inexplicably.
“Why are you asking, Suhyun-ah?” Junhyung asks, because he cannot say that it would have been his first thought after sex.
Suhyun does not speak for a moment, clearly contemplating how he is going to approach the topic. Junhyung begins carding his fingers through Suhyun’s hair, hoping the touch is somewhat soothing.
Suhyun surprises him, then, with his whispered confession, “I think I take you for granted sometimes.”
“How so?”
“Many ways,” Suhyun offers, huffing a laugh. “Like taking for granted that you liked me enough to make out with me, and continuing to do so. Or taking for granted that you want to be our leader, that you weren’t struggling with that responsibility as much as you were. Just—in general, always expecting you to be there whenever I look up to find.”
Junhyung hums, considering. “Why is that so bad?”
Suhyun scoffs, as though it is the most obvious thing, “Isn’t it a little arrogant of me? To assume that you’ll always be there for me. When I’m barely—offering you what you deserve in return.”
When Junhyung opens his mouth to reply, Suhyun stops him, “Wait, I know—I know you think what I did on the rooftop a month ago was just that but—I don’t know. You always do that. And you don’t just do it for me, you do it for everyone else, too, which I know is part of the leader deal and everything but. Do you see my point, Junhyung-ah?”
Right now, Junhyung is admittedly a little confused. He shakes his head, urging Suhyun to just say it.
“I don’t want to lose you, or what we have. Not because—because one day, you realize that I fail to give you everything that you truly deserve, especially when you give so much,” Suhyun finally reveals, so honest to the point that it must pain him to say it. Junhyung feels like a bit of a fool, then, for having underestimated Suhyun’s feelings, how deep they truly run, how closely aligned they are with his after all.
Junhyung may not share the reason for this fear, but he does share it. Only he has always thought that it would be his feelings getting in the way, that they would scare Suhyun off, ultimately.
Unlikely, Junhyung thinks.
“You know what I appreciate about you? You’re like, unbelievably good at reading me, you know?” Junhyung asks, preparing to lay out his heart before Suhyun, taking that leap of faith that it will not get stepped on. “Scarily so sometimes. It’s not just—the obvious moments when I’m struggling. It’s also us having sex for the first time and you noticing when I hesitate, even just for a second. You’re there to help me out of my head.”
Suhyun smiles fondly, reaching out to touch Junhyung’s cheek. “You’re in there a lot.”
“I know. You do me good. Taking me out of there for a while, grounding me,” Junhyung says, matching his tone. “I couldn’t have predicted that, back then. You may recall that I was a bit confused that you wanted me.”
Thinking about it, with the whole year behind them, his feelings then hardly a comparison to what they are now, Junhyung is almost amused that they have both carried their insecurities for just as long, even as their feelings grew - or Junhyung’s, at least. Though even without great words, Junhyung may be so bold as to think his part about Suhyun’s.
“Maybe instead of doubting ourselves, we should be focusing on the fact that—” Suhyun stops abruptly, perhaps too afraid to say the words aloud after all. His eyes fall shut, and he takes a shaky breath, but it does not look like he can bring himself to continue.
Thankfully, Junhyung has no reserves to do it for him. “That we like each other?”
Suhyun’s eyes shoot open, wild and panicked, but Junhyung gives him his most brilliant of smiles before kissing his forehead, overjoyed.
They will need to talk about it properly - not when they are all gross and sweaty in sheets that need some general washing before they can put it with the laundry.
So, Junhyung says, “I think we better discuss this after a shower. I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable.”
Suhyun grimaces, agreeing, “Yeah, me too.”
Junhyung is the first to stand, and when he looks behind him, Suhyun has just so propped himself up on his elbow, before his mouth opens to a groan of pain.
Concerned, Junhyung asks, kneeling down by the side of the bed, “You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry,” Suhyun says, and the smile on his face is just a touch teasing. Junhyung immediately relaxes at the sight, as much as he may roll his eyes at what Suhyun says next. “I’m just a little sore. I’m afraid you’re going to have to carry me to the bathroom.”
Junhyung knows that Suhyun expects a protest, expects Junhyung to laugh it off ultimately, but Junhyung figures it is worth a try. Those arms are not solely for show, after all.
“All right, then,” Junhyung announces, not giving any other warning before he scoops Suhyun up into his arms. Not exactly the easiest exercise he has ever done, but not too bad either - he should be able to make it to the bathroom.
Suhyun yelps, holding onto Junhyung’s neck for support. He looks like he wants to say something, but when Junhyung meets his eyes, raising an eyebrow in question, all Suhyun does is swallow heavily.
“Surprised I actually did it?” Junhyung wonders idly, and starts walking to the bathroom.
“A little turned on, actually,” Suhyun says in a daze, not hesitating to admit it.
Junhyung gives a hearty laugh.
He is all too happy to do something about it in the showers.
Notes:
next chapter will be in at one point or another. i am not sure yet. it could be next month. it could be three months from now. we will see.
thank you for reading. let me know your thoughts :>
Whovian13 on Chapter 1 Wed 27 Apr 2022 12:48AM UTC
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shinster (sangiebyheart) on Chapter 1 Wed 27 Apr 2022 06:43PM UTC
Last Edited Wed 27 Apr 2022 06:45PM UTC
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0v3rdr1v3 on Chapter 1 Wed 27 Apr 2022 02:11AM UTC
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shinster (sangiebyheart) on Chapter 1 Wed 27 Apr 2022 06:47PM UTC
Last Edited Wed 27 Apr 2022 06:48PM UTC
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0v3rdr1v3 on Chapter 1 Wed 27 Apr 2022 09:00PM UTC
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Whovian13 on Chapter 2 Sat 14 May 2022 06:43AM UTC
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sangiebyheart on Chapter 2 Sat 14 May 2022 10:03AM UTC
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Whovian13 on Chapter 2 Sat 14 May 2022 02:20PM UTC
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shinster (sangiebyheart) on Chapter 2 Sat 14 May 2022 05:03PM UTC
Last Edited Sat 14 May 2022 05:03PM UTC
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0v3rdr1v3 on Chapter 2 Wed 18 May 2022 01:51PM UTC
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shinster (sangiebyheart) on Chapter 2 Tue 28 Jun 2022 08:06PM UTC
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suheafoams on Chapter 2 Sat 15 Oct 2022 06:29PM UTC
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shinster (sangiebyheart) on Chapter 2 Sat 15 Oct 2022 09:50PM UTC
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leedorito on Chapter 2 Fri 06 Jan 2023 02:16AM UTC
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shinster (sangiebyheart) on Chapter 2 Sat 23 Dec 2023 04:11PM UTC
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lysolwipe on Chapter 2 Mon 22 May 2023 07:03AM UTC
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shinster (sangiebyheart) on Chapter 2 Sat 23 Dec 2023 04:12PM UTC
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