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Lucy walks out of the bullpen, the ache in her chest making her gasp for air as she tries to get as much distance between herself and the woman she just left behind there. The woman who left her broken for so many weeks, and just seemed to make that ache worse every time she saw her.
She takes the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator, but before she has even taken one flight of stairs, dread fills her entire body. She stops, holding on to the railing as she bites her lips in frustration for what she's about to do.
Damn it.
Kate has a concussion. Someone needs to keep an eye on her to check for symptoms and make sure she's okay throughout the night.
She flexes her jaw and closes her eyes, feet itching to keep on walking, but she simply can't.
"God damnit."
She turns back around, quickly wiping at her face to get rid of any remaining tears.
She's hardly surprised to see Kate still standing where she left her, frozen in place. When she hears Lucy's doubtful footsteps, she slowly turns around, clearly surprised.
Lucy has her eyes fixed on her own desk, trying to sound as emotionless as she can when she asks, "Do you have someone to stay with you tonight?"
Kate cocks her head and drops her jaw for a moment, clearly confused by the question. The movement makes Lucy look over to her momentarily, regretting it when she sees Kate's tearstained face. Lucy's heart pounds painfully in her chest.
"W-what?"
Lucy swallows.
"You have a concussion."
Kate presses her good hand to her temple, as if she had momentarily forgotten about the pounding in her head.
"Right. Yes," she states matter of factly.
"You do have someone to stay with you?"
Lucy feels some relief washing over her. After everything that happened today she doesn't think she can handle any more emotional turmoil that would undoubtedly fill her up if she had to be the one to make sure Kate was okay. She'd worry too much. Hell, she was going to lie awake worried about her regardless.
"No," Kate swallows. She must've seen Lucy's expression fall, because she quickly follows up with, "but it's not necessary. I'm fine. I thought I'd just sleep at the office."
She frowns at that. She knows Kate is invested in her job, but sleeping at work after everything her body was put through today was extreme, even for her.
"My bag with my housekey is still in my car, and my car is still at the crimescene," Kate explains
"You can't... You can't stay at the office, Whistler. I'll just..." She sighs in defeat, because she knows her night is about to turn out exactly the way she did not want it to. "I'll drive you to your car. We can get your stuff and I'll just take you home."
"You really don't have to. My office has a couch now. It's much more comfortable than that small-" she points over her shoulder, but quickly stops herself when she realizes what she was about to say.
Lucy knows too. The small couch in one of the observation rooms that was often used for secret make out sessions during the weeks they were still keeping their relationship a secret.
Kate lets out a defeated sigh, which soon turns into a hiss as she clutches her ribs.
That spurs Lucy into action as she points two thumbs over her shoulder and skewers her face.
"Come on, I'll take you home. You can't sleep on a couch tonight."
She doesn't give Kate any more chances to argue, already walking off towards the elevators.
--
They sit in uncomfortable silence during the car ride, especially after Lucy had to help Kate put on her seatbelt. She air is filled is discomfort over the exchange they had earlier, but there was no turning back at this point.
She drives over to the house Kate had been injured in earlier that day, not looking over at the tape in front of the doorway. She got Kate's bag from her car, throwing it in the back before driving off towards Kate's apartment in more silence.
Once she finds a parking spot, and she's about to exit the car, Kate finally turns over to her.
"Look, you really don't have to come in. I'll be completely fine on my own."
And Lucy truly wants nothing more than to leave, and nothing more than to stay. She wants to make sure Kate is safe and taken care of, but given the circumstances she also wants to be as far away from Kate's apartment as possible.
"You shouldn't be alone right now... Because of the concussion," she tries to feign indifference, but knows she fails. "I've heard some uhm, horror stories about people going to sleep with a concussion and not being woken up for a quick check-up."
"Right. We wouldn't want that," Kate says, raising her eyebrows.
"We can't risk that."
They pause. Kate wants to give Lucy space, but at the same time she wants her to stay. So that maybe they can talk. For her to finally get a word in. The night can't end much worse than it started, can it?
Once they head inside, Lucy is all business.
"Right, so uhm, I'll just stay here for the next couple of hours. I brought some paperwork that I need to fill out anyway, so whether I do it here or at home doesn't matter much."
Kate stops herself from raising an eyebrow, fully aware that the Lucy Tara would never fill out any paperwork after leaving work, unless it was absolutely necessary.
Instead, she nods. "Just make yourself at home. There's some wine in the fridge if you want some."
"Okay. Thanks."
Kate just stands there for a moment, watching as Lucy gets the paperwork from her bag and tensly puts it on the kitchen island.
She's not sure about what to do now, but she doesn't want the night to end yet. She walks around the island towards the fridge and pulls it open, feeling Lucy's eyes on her as she does so. Grabbing the wine and a mason jar from a cabinet, she starts filling it up.
"You shouldn't be drinking with a concussion."
"It's for you."
"I didn't say I wanted any."
"But you do."
Lucy puts her pen down on the island, slamming her hand down a little harsher than intended.
Kate raises an eyebrow as she screws the cap back on the bottle with one hand.
"Do you not want it?" she asks, ready to empty the glass into the sink again.
"No, wait, I do!" Lucy says quickly, reaching for the glass with both hands. "Shouldn't waste fine wine now that you've already poured it anyway."
"It was pretty cheap actually," she shrugs with one shoulder, which still manages to make her wince when the movement makes her ribs hurt.
Lucy eyes her up and down for a moment, trying not to show any worry.
"You should probably go lie down. I'll wake you up in like an hour or two to check how you're doing."
"Right, I should." She hesitates momentarily, but Lucy has already put her focus back on the paperwork in front of her, so she decides she should probably go get ready for bed. Her whole body hurts, and a soft mattress and some sleep doesn't sound like the worst thing right now.
She heads off, leaving Lucy by herself at the kitchen island.
Lucy desperately tries to focus on the work in front of her, but that's hard when she's literally drowning in Kate. Everything in front of her reminds her of what they used to have. The unwashed travelmug by the sink, the mason jar she's currently drinking from. Hell, even the kitchen island itself reminds her of the time she sat on top of it with Kate's hips hooked between her legs.
She shakes her head and takes another large sip of the wine as she scribbles random figures on her paper. She quickly crosses out one that looks a little too similar to the shape of a heart.
She rubs her brow in frustration, wincing when she feels the skin at her brow pull tightly around the cut.
She's quickly pulled out her thoughts when she hears stumbling and a duffled "Ow, shit!"
Before she knows it, she has entered Kate's room, only to find it empty. When she hears more stumbling, she realizes the sound comes from Kate's home-office. She quickly heads inside, and finds Kate bent over clutching her injured arm.
"What happened? Are you okay?" She holds on to her other shoulder, carefully helping her stand up straight again.
Kate huffs in pain, blowing some loose strands of hair out of her face.
"I'm fine, just this stupid bed," she motions towards a folded bed leaning against the wall, "won't unfold."
Lucy looks between the bed and Kate in disbelief for a moment.
"Why are you trying to unfold this bed in your state?"
"It's the guest bed," she says as if it's obvious. Which it is.
"You realize I'm here to make sure you're okay, not make sure you injure yourself further."
"I thought I could do it."
"I'm not planning on sleeping anyway, I have work to do."
Kate frowns at that. "Jesse told me you guys have been up since 4am. You should get some sleep too."
Lucy doesn't bother arguing, instead focusing on unfolding the bed, which creaks in the process.
"You should've just asked me to do it."
"I thought I could do it!" Kate says again defensively.
"Jesus, this bed must've rusted shut or something."
"That's not possible." She doesn't say how it's not possible because it was used just a couple weeks ago when Cara unexpectedly came to visit.
"Well, then how do you explain - oh, there it goes." And surely, the bed unfolds with a heavy creak. Kate tries to help with her available arm, but quickly holds it up when Lucy maneuvers her body in between Kate and the bed to stop her.
Instead, she gets a duvet, pillow, and sheets from the closet and puts them down on the mattress.
"I'll take care of the rest of this. You go ahead and head to bed. And if you need help with anything else, please just say so instead of risking another trip to the hospital."
"That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?"
Lucy just sends her a look, making eyecontact for the first time since she's entered the office. Kate lets out a soft gasp as she takes a quick step forward.
"Lucy, you're bleeding," she reaches for her eyebrow, but quickly drops her hand again.
Lucy softly presses against the wound there, feeling some wetness. She must've accidentally opened the cut back up when she was sitting at the kitchen island.
"Come on, I'll get you a towel."
"It's only a small cut. A paper towel is fine," she huffs, following Kate back into the kitchen. She's quick to turn over the piece of paper lying there. She doesn't want Kate to see the hearts she drew, even if she had crossed them out.
"Sit down," Kate instructs as she takes two paper towels, wetting one of them under the tap.
Lucy does as she's told, and sits down on one of the stools as casually as she can muster. She can't help herself from grabbing onto the kitchen island when the other woman walks close to her without hestitation and carefully presses the wet towel against her brow.
Lucy is awfully aware of how close their faces are as Kate inspects the wound, dabbing the blood around it. When she hisses at a particularly painful press, Kate's eyes drop down to hers. Lucy can visibly see her swallow as she takes a small step backwards and mutters a quick, "sorry."
"I should disinfect it, hold on."
She rummages through a cupboard and pulls out a first-aid kit. When she struggles to open it with one hand, Lucy takes it from her.
"Thanks," Kate quickly mutters before taking out some small bandages and a small bottle of an alcoholic solution. "This may sting a little."
She tenses on the stool when the alcoholic wipe touches her wound, but she manages to contain a hiss this time.
"Are you uhm," Kate hesitates, quickly scanning Lucy's face. The shorter woman's eyes are closed, but Kate can tell from her slightly furrowed brow that the alcohol stings uncomfortably. "Are you okay, by the way? After everything that happened today?"
Images of earlier that day flash before her eyes. Her being kicked in the ribs, wind knocked out of her lungs, then being thrown into the coffeetable, followed by immediate pain in her arm and shoulder. The throbbing pain in her head and jaw that she hadn't even noticed until she tried to get up and Lucy gently pushed her back down.
The painful and clumsy shower at the hospital, washing away the blood that had trickled from her head down her neck.
Then a text from her boss thanking her - to her surprise - for her bravery that day with the update that the female suspect had been taken down by someone on Tennant's team: "The small one, agent Tara."
Then the Uber back to the precinct and the waiting in the bullpen, unsure of what she was going to say, but knowing she needed to see that Lucy was okay before she could call it a night.
Finally her thoughts go through the conversation that happened after, the woman whose heart she had broken telling her she had loved her.
Her hand drops away from Lucy's face, and she feels the need to specify what she meant. The need to push the image of a trembling Lucy away.
"With having to take down Andrea Medina."
Lucy slowly blinks her eyes open, as if comtemplating her answer to the question.
"It was either her or me," she starts.
Kate flexes her jaw.
"I wish we could have taken her in so she could have suffered for what she did," her eyes quickly travel down Kate's body, "but she left me no choice. Sometimes it's part of the job sadly."
Kate nods in understanding, closely watching as Lucy's facial expression goes through anger, sadness and defeat. It becomes unreadable when Lucy's dark eyes finally settle on her own.
The air grows thick quickly.
It grows uncomfortable with all the words that lie unspoken between them.
"Well," Kate swallows. "Guess we now know which one of us is the better fighter," she chuckles sadly, looking down at her injured arm in its sling.
"That's not funny," Lucy says firmly, the tone immediately catching Kate's attention again. It is as if Lucy realizes she's shown too much emotion, because she quickly softens and drops her tense shoulders. "Plus, we already knew that before today."
Kate huffs and tries to surpress a smile. "Right. Maybe you can teach me some more tricks some time."
"Maybe."
Kate can tell from the tone that it's unlikely.
"So are we done here?" Lucy asks, motioning towards her eyebrow.
"Oh, no, let me seal it up with some glue." She takes a small tube from the first-aid kit, but before she can even try to open it, Lucy snatches it from her hand.
"Superglue? You're going to put superglue on my eyebrows?!" She raises said eyebrows in surprise, but quickly frowns when she feels the wound almost tear open again.
"Lucy, careful!" Kate says exasperatedly as she waves her hand in front of her brow as if the small breeze of wind will stop any further movement or possible bleeding.
"I'd rather have a bleeding eyebrow than no eyebrow at all!"
"It's completely safe to glue wounds shut. They use this in hospitals too."
"You're going to superglue all my eyebrow hairs together. They're probably going to fall out or something!"
Kate manages to snatch the glue back from the other woman, but struggles with the cap.
Eventually Lucy sighs exasperatedly and grabs it from her to help open it. Kate gives her a triumphant smile.
"Don't worry, it dissolves naturally after a while, and I'll be careful not to get any, or... much, outside of the wound."
Lucy closes her eyes in anticipation as Kate gets closer to her face again.
"Just make sure it doesn't dribble down into my eye, or we're going to have a much bigger problem."
She feels some of the liquid being gently pressed against her cut, before something flutters against her eyelashes.
"Oh, shoot!"
"Whistler!" Lucy leans away, grabbing Kate's forearm to push it away from her face.
"Relax, I'm kidding! It was only my finger,"
She laughs, trying to pull her arm free again, but the movement makes Lucy stumble off the stool, right into Kate. Lucy is quick to release Kate's hand and catches herself by holding on to Kate's waist instead to ensure she doesn't bump into her injured arm or ribs.
Regardless, the wind is still knocked out of the blonde when she realizes just how close Lucy is suddenly.
The shorter woman swallows hard as she holds on to the other's waist, fisting the fabric of her sweater in her hands. She wants to let go and step back, but she finds herself frozen to the spot as she looks up, mouth slightly agape.
Kate can't stop her eyes from moving down to Lucy's lips, and she knows that if she just leans in a little bit, she'd touch them with her own again after all those miserable weeks.
She's too intoxicated to think of the consequences at the moment. All she can do is wonder why Lucy hasn't moved backwards yet. And after all those weeks of being pushed away and shut down, the other woman's lack of movement now is all she needs to lean forward and close the gap.
Lucy's lips feel familiar, though not quite as soft as they used to be as they're frozen against her own.
But Kate's feel the same against Lucy's, and that realization is what finally spurs the shorter woman into action as she leans deeper into the kiss. She missed this. She wishes she hadn't, and she wishes she could keep denying it, but with Kate's lips pressed against her own, suddenly all her walls are demolished.
Her kisses become more frantic and rough as she pulls on Kate's left shoulder, forcing her down. The superglue in Kate's hand is forgotten as she manages to throw it on the counter before her hand finds its way to Lucy's neck, threading through her curls there as she, too, presses deeper into the kiss.
As the kissing becomes more intense, so does the pain in Kate's ribs. With each shallow breath she manages to breathe between kisses, a piercing pain is sent through her ribcage. She tries to ignore it at first, but is eventually forced to push Lucy away by her shoulder. She uses the movement to lean on the shorter girl as she bends forward, trying to slow her breathing and give her cracked rib some space.
As soon as she feels Kate push her off, Lucy is broken out of her daze and her walls are building themselves back up. Whatever feelings she had been feeling are quickly replaced by dread and panic as she tries to catch her own breath.
Fuck. Before today she had been doing so well moving on from her broken heart. She was starting to heal. Being away from Kate had helped her feel more in control of her emotions. She had even mustered up the courage to go on a date with someone. Today had ruined all of that. It was like with each encounter they had, she took all those steps she had taken to move on right back again.
First the beach, then having to watch her get hurt. Then finding out about the job offer in D.C.; spilling out the fact that she loved Kate and how heartbroken she still was over it all. And now this. Every time she was around Kate she lost complete control over any aspect of her life. And it hurt. So badly.
She wanted to run, get some distance between her and the woman who caused her so much pain that she wasn't able to breathe properly. But she couldn't, knowing Kate was injured.
Once Kate finally caught her breath she looked over at Lucy, already dreading the reaction she'd see. She didn't expect the actual terror that was spread all across her face though.
"Lucy," she stepped closer again, but she didn't know what to say. She never knew what to say lately, too afraid of the possible catastrophic results of her words.
Lucy just stood there, frozen as emotions rushed through her body. The hole in her heart throbbing worse than ever.
"Lucy?"
"You should go to bed."
The determination in her strained voice tells Kate not to argue with her on this. She knows Lucy needs some space, and after what just happened and seeing what it did to Lucy, she's stupidly willing to give it to her.
And so she nods, leaving Lucy with her thoughts in the kitchen.
Lucy doesn't know how long she stays standing there, but eventually she spurs back into action, grabbing her phone from her backpocket and going through her contacts.
It rings twice before he picks up, "What are you doing up so late?"
"Ernie, can you please do me a massive favor?"
"What do you need?" he asks, hearing the urgency in her voice.
"Can you come stay over at Whistler's apartment and wake her up every two hours to make sure she doesn't have any brain damage or whatever?"
When there's only silence on the other line, she realizes how strange that request might sound.
"Brain damage?" he eventually asks.
"Yeah, because of her concussion. You need to wake up a concussed person to check if they're still responsive. They could like, go into a coma or die or something."
"That's a myth, actually," Ernie states matter of factly.
"No it's not."
"It is. There's no proof that waking up a concussed person is actually beneficial to the healing process."
"I feel like you're wrong," Lucy states, but she realizes that he probably isn't. He hardly ever is.
"As a matter of fact, sleep, and rest in general, are crucial components for a concussion to heal, so waking them up could be counterproductive."
"Great, so why did I even come here," she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.
She hears some rumbling on the other side of the line, before Ernie's voice suddenly sounds a lot clearer and closer.
"You're at Whistler's apartment right now?"
"Well yeah, she obviously couldn't drive home herself and I happened to be the only one there," she doesn't know why she leaves Jane out of the story, "and despite everything I didn't want to have her slipping into a coma on my conscience."
"And yet you called me to come over there... Are you planning on dipping?" he asks accusatory. Or perhaps not at all accusatory. It just sounds accusatory to Lucy.
"I can't be here."
Silence.
"Did you two talk?" he eventually asks.
There hadn't been a whole lot of talking between them. Their weeks mostly consisted of her setting boundaries, trying to stay in control of the situation after having her heart shattered, and Kate sending her those lost puppy eyes any chance she got.
"Kate doesn't talk." She just kisses, apparently.
She hears Ernie scoff. "She doesn't talk, or you don't let her talk?"
Lucy sighs, closing her eyes as she makes her way over to the couch and drops herself down on it.
"I may not be the most forthcoming when it comes to hearing her out," she admits, "but it's not like she's really tried either. It's always just "Lucy,"," she immitates the other woman's voice as she reaches a hand faintly in front of her. "And then a whole lot of painful and heavy silence."
"Ever thought that maybe she wants to tell you how she feels, but is also trying to give you space?"
"Well, those two don't really go well together, do they?" she scoffs, resting her head on a pillow on the couch.
Damn it, it smells like her. She sits back up.
"That also suggests that she really cares about you, though. That she's willing to put your feelings before her own."
"If she did that she wouldn't have shattered my heart into a million pieces."
She lies back down, burrying the side of her face into the pillow again.
"Do you think she meant to?" Ernie asks pointedly.
It doesn't matter if she meant to or not. Her dishonesty and disregard for other people's feelings, both hers and Cara's, is what caused this whole entire mess. It caused more hurt than Lucy ever thought possible, because she had never cared for anyone the way she had cared about Kate.
"I found out today that she turned down this amazing job offer in D.C. to stay here in Hawai'i back when she first started with the FBI," Lucy says instead of answering his question. They both knew the answer.
"Back when you were still together?"
She hums.
"Woa," he huffs, almost sounding impressed. "You know what that means, right?"
Another confirmative hum as she turns her head fully into the pillow and breathes in.
It means that what they had together was real. That despite of what she had done, Kate really cared for her and maybe even wanted to build a future with her.
The thought of that future being shattered just as quickly as she had shattered her heart only makes things hurt more though.
Moving on had been like one step forward, two steps back every time Lucy saw her. With each glance and each poorly attempted conversation the gap in her heart grew a little wider. Lucy had to distance herself from her in order to fully heal. She doesn't think she could survive having her heart broken by the blonde another time.
"So, can you come over or not?" she asks after a moment of silence.
He sighs. "If you really need me to abandon this amazing deep-sea documentary I am watching right now," Lucy cringes at his words, "I will do it, but I need you to stop and think for a moment about how bad that would probably look to her."
She sighs, imagining Kate waking up with a pounding headache, confused by Ernie's sudden appearance in her personal space. She thinks of those all-too-familiar sad and disappointed eyes as Kate learns Lucy had abandoned her in the middle of the night.
She groans and throws an arm over her forehead, careful not to graze her eyebrow.
"Like I said, you don't have to wake her up. Just go get some sleep and maybe check on her breathing once in a while or something. If you want I can call you early in the morning to give you an excuse to leave early. Just text me."
She groans again, but mutters a quick "Thanks," under her breath.
"Or, you know, start a conversation. Actually talk everything out. Regardless of the outcome, it'll do you both good."
She highly doubts that last part, very aware that she's always on the verge of breaking and losing control, and whatever outcome would probably completely destroy that last bit of control she still had. That last bit of protection and safety.
"Alright, thanks Ernie. I'll text you in the morning."
He lets out a short, defeated chuckle. "Okay, I'll call you if needed."
Once she's hung up the phone she feels a little better about staying the night. She finishes her long-forgotten jar of wine and gets ready for bed. Sleep comes slowly, which doesn't surprise her. Her body hurts from her fight with the female suspect earlier that day, and the springs of the fold-out bed aren't doing much to help that.
When she does drift off, her sleep is light, and she wakes up what feels like every hour or so. She goes to check up on Kate's breathing a couple times during the night, but never wakes her.
At one point in the night she's awoken by the door creaking open, and she quickly turns and squints at the figure standing in the doorway.
"Sorry, I," Kate croaks sleepily. "I wanted to make sure you were still here."
Lucy sniffs and nods against the pillow. "Yep, still here."
Kate stands there for a moment in silence.
"Did you need help with anything?" Lucy asks as she starts rubbing her eyes.
There's more silence, and it's clear Kate is thinking hard on whether or not she should say or do something.
The air grows too thick again, too uncomfortable, so Lucy sits up, the bed creaking loudly under her right as Kate starts to speak.
"I lo-" but the sound stops her in her tracks.
"What?"
Kate swallows harshly, the courage she had mustered up disappearing just as quickly as she starts shaking her head.
"No, nothing. I just wanted to thank you for being here."
And Lucy can feel nothing but the pain in her chest.
"Goodnight," Kate quickly mutters before walking out the room.
"Goodnight," Lucy barely manages before the door is closed.
The blonde stands there for a long time, hand still on the doorknob as she internally scolds herself for not saying what she felt so deeply. For being scared of Lucy's reaction after all those times the shorter girl had set clear boundaries with her. After the pain in her voice when she had told Kate she had loved her. After the look of horror on her face after she had kissed her earlier.
Lucy texts Ernie the next morning, who calls her, just as promised.
Once she's out the door, she sends Skylar a quick text.
"Hey, what are you doing this afternoon? :)"