Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Sam is a walking zombie, he moves around the motel room at a slow steady pace, his hollow eyes are blank and the circles under them are dark and bruised looking. His body is skinnier now, his cheeks sunken, his appetite non-existent, he drinks 10 cups of coffee a day and he no longer runs or even drives unless it's to buy more coffee.
Sam thinks, as he shuffles to the bathroom, that Dean would be shocked and ashamed if he saw what Sam has become. It's been 4 long months since Dean had disappeared, with no clue to where he'd gone.
Sam had summoned demons, angels and everything in between, with no answers and no leads and no luck. Sam had even tried all the burner phones with most contacts either dead or no help at all.
Sam was out of options but he knew if he stopped looking, Dean would give him hell, if and when he ever returned.
After another long day of nothing but feelings of guilt, anger and hopelessness, Sam drags himself onto the uncomfortable motel bed, still covered in his days research attempts, papers and books strewn everywhere, he falls into a restless sleep.
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Sunlight is coming through the window, hitting Sam in the face. He scrunches his eyes up, squinting through the blinding light, making his headache ramp up a notch. There is banging coming from somewhere, his foggy mind not quite awake to notice how close it is. The banging gets louder, groaning, Sam rolls over, burying his head under his pillow to muffle the sound. A moment later he realizes the banging is coming from his door, he groans again as he gets to his feet, stumbling towards the door, he yanks the door open. "Yeah?" His voice croaks from lack of use.
"Hi, um, is Dean here?" the woman standing in front of him asks.
When he finally focuses on her and sees that she is a tall, pretty brunette, with blue eyes and delicate features. She's wearing dark jeans, an old band t-shirt and a leather jacket, his mind registers that she is totally Deans type of woman. He then notices that she is holding a baby, dressed a pink frilly dress with matching pants and patent leather shoes with very familiar green eyes.
"Umm, who are you?" Sam asks tentatively
"My name is Crystal and this..." She pulled the baby from her hip and turns her to face him. "... is Hope" She pushes the little girl into his fumbling hands and takes a step back. Sam looks down into the face of the baby that he is holding at arm's length, like it's a bomb about to go off, his two large hands under her armpits and, her chubby little legs dangling in mid-air. He sees nothing but Dean in her happy, bright face.
He swallows down the lump in his throat and looks up at Crystal as she starts speaking again. "I can't look after her any more... I have my own life to sort out" Crystal says, as she flings a large, overstuffed baby bag into the room and turns to walk away.
"Wait!, where are you going?" Sam asks in loud bark and the baby gives a little whimper at the noise.
"I said I can't look after her" she says irritably
"Yeah, I get that but you need to tell me more than that... what makes you think this is Dean's problem?" He asks incredulously.
"Because he's the father" She says matter of factly in reply.
"Ok... I can't believe I'm saying this but, as far as I know, Dean has always used... protection..." Sam says uncomfortably
"Well, the condom broke because this little bundle of joy arrived 9 months later... I tried to call Dean you know, but he either ignored me or his phone was disconnected" She says with her hands on her hips.
Sam cringes and curses Dean, wherever he is for his 'love em and leave em', attitude. "Alright, that does kind of sound like him..." Sam says with a resigned sigh. "Hey, how did you find me?" Sam asks belatedly.
"I tried to call him for the hundredth time, he did don't answer but I called the phone company and they traced it here" She said pulling out her phone and clicked and swiped a few times on the screen then showed him the multiple phones calls to his brothers phone.
"Yep, that's Dean's phone... well, Dean isn't here... he's... he's gone" Sam said in explanation.
"Is he coming back? Cause I can't take her back... I just... I can't..." She says and turns to walk away again.
"Wait!" He yells again, "What am I supposed to do with her?" He asks his panic setting in as he realises she was leaving this baby with him and he was in no state to be looking after himself, let alone an innocent baby.
"Look after her... I tried to do it but... I've got my own problems and the night I spent with Dean was nice but... my problems were still there... I need to get my life sorted out" She said in explanation, Sam could only imagine what problems were "I've uh, given up my parental rights... so, she's all yours... I'm so sorry but... I just can't do this anymore" She says with unshed tears in her eyes and this time when she walks away, Sam doesn't stop her.
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Sam turns back to the room and walks in with the baby. He sits down slowly on the bed, turns her so she's sitting on his knee and lets out a long breath. "Shit" He whispers as the realisation that he is now responsible for the last piece of his brother, the last of his family.
The realisation of the situation washed over him and not for the first time, he wishes Dean where there to help. A sob escapes him as tears flow down his cheeks.
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Sam is sitting at the small table in the motel room, that has been his temporary home for the last few weeks.
Once Crystal left, Sam took some time taking everything out of the large bag that Crystal left him, laying everything on one of the beds and taking stock of what he had and what he might need. He didn’t what some of the assorted creams and lotions where or how on earth of the clothing even went of a baby,
He had Hopes birth certificate and the paperwork for parental rights in front of him, all the paperwork he needs to make Hope, his for the rest of her life. The official paperwork make everything very real for Sam, knowing that he is Hopes only family now.
In his OCD way, he has lists of all the essentials he needs, like nappies, formula, bottles, extra clothes, soap, towels, food, toys... his list is two pages long, they have always been his way to control things but even after this massive list, he is still completely out of his depth. All he knows is that he just needs to keep Hope happy and healthy, mostly for Dean, for himself and for their family.
Hope is sleeping soundly in the middle of the other bed, her little arms are up on either side of her head, her bottom lip sticking out in a pout, very much like her father. Sam is hit again by the weight of this responsibility but he can feel a little spark of life coming back to him. He knows how close he came to just giving up, he doesn't want to think about what would have happened to Hope if he had ended it sooner.
She is literally the cutest thing he has ever seen and even though he tried for a second, to not get attached, he thinks he may love her already. He loves her like the cool uncle who gives her everything she ever wanted. That's what he wants for her, the life he once wanted but couldn't have.
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By the time he comes back to the motel room, Hope is wailing in his ear, he has bags and bags of stuff in one hand and the unhappy baby in the other. Is she's hungry, tired or does she need her nappy changed, Sam has no clue what went wrong, they were fine in the store, in fact she charmed the ladies in the store with her bright smile and happy clapping hands.
He somehow gets the door open, drops all the bags by the door and lays her down in the middle of the bed that he has designated as hers and closes the door blocking out all sound from the street.
The sudden quiet causes her to stop mid scream, she has tears running down her cheeks, her face is red and her hands are scrunched into fists. Moving towards her, he sits and places his big hand on her tummy, rubbing it soothingly "Shhh sweetie, come on, just give Uncle Sam a minute to figure out what he's doing" he says in an unrecognizable voice, it's soft and gentle and so unlike him.
The baby is now looking at him intensely, tears still on her face. "Ok, so where do I start then sweetheart?" She kicks her legs and wiggles then up and down, babbling in a nonsense baby way. "Alrighty straight to the hard stuff"
He slowly moves closer to her and takes a sniff. He makes a face and tries not to gag as a disgusting smell reaches his nostrils. Yep, she needs her nappy changed. He stands up and steps back, "Come on Sam you've killed monsters for living, you can change a diaper" he goes back to the bags he dropped near the door and pulls everything out that the nice attendant at the store said he would need.
He grabs a nappy, wipes and a clean outfit and starts unbuttoning the onesie she is currently wearing. Sam awkwardly pulls it off one arm at a time, her arms not cooperating, so he stretches and pulls the pink onesie, the seams breaking, until finally coming "Sorry" he says to her apologetically "I'm new at this" she gives him a little huff and babbles again like she understands him. Bolstered by her confidence in him he continues on.
Sam pulls the onesie of her legs with an yank, tossing it aside. He then peels off the sticky tabs on the nappy and braces himself. He pulls the front down and is instantly hit with the disgusting smell full force, he gags but manages to keep from being sick. "What the hell was she feeding you?" He asks in that voice again and as she starts giggling at him, he realizes that Dean may not physically be with him, but his humorous spirit lives on in Hope. "God help me" he says as he gets the offending nappy off her and starts to wipe her off. This was going to be the steepest learning curve he was ever going to be on.
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Sam sits on the empty bed and watches as Hope sleeps, her chest rising and falling. His sleep deprived brain still processing the trauma of changing a nappy for the first time. He chuckles to himself at the memory, the smell, the disgusting goop that he found in the diaper which was grosser than anything he had seen while hunting.
Sam wished he could wash the memory away with bleach, but he also relishes the opportunity to look after this adorable soul that allowed his weary mind to focus on something other than his failure to find his brother.
He is Hope’s guardian now, the champion of this little angel who was everything good, vulnerable and precious about Dean that was his to cherish and nurture. Sam wants nothing more than to protect and shield her from all the evil in the world but he knows that with his life, and what he's seen and lived, he may not be the right person to look after her. He didn't have a paying job or a proper home, he had never looked after a baby before but he had the love for his brother to hold onto and at this very early stage, Hope seemed to like him, and that was all that mattered to make a new type of family.
As he watches his niece sleep, Sam makes a decision to find them a place to finally stop, rest and to make a home for her, to create a life for her, for them. He just has to figure out where, in the great United States of America would be the best place for them. The Winchester brothers have travelled all around the country and each town has some sort of memory attached to it. Some were good memories, where he and Dean had saved someone, had made a friend or saved the life of someone who truly deserved it.
Some were bad memories, bad enough that Sam didn't want to go back to the whole entire state let alone one town. Some places bring back memories of life and death, of hell and heaven, demons and angels, of lies and secrets that almost broke them. These are places that Sam wants to avoid, to wipe of the map and where he will never consider setting down roots in, not with Hope, not with this small life which was now literally in his hands.
Lawrence was definitely out of the question, Stanford, South Dakota and Detroit are also out of the question. The more he thinks about the different places he could go, the more the idea of just driving in any direction and letting fate direct him, sounds better and better. Dean would have jumped at the chance, in fact Dean had done just that when they were in between jobs.
Making up his mind to just wing it, Sam packs their bags and gets Hope ready for the trip. The Impala has a new addition in its back seat in the shape of a baby car seat. It is a top of the line baby car seat but he can just imagine Dean's gruff voice bitching at him about it being a classic car, that it was going to ruin the leather and his image.
When they are all set, he buckles Hope into the car seat and as he drives out of the parking lot he turns to look at his niece "Say bye to the motel room sweetheart" she babbles back in return and he laughs out loud and smiles at her.
"Which way should we go Hope?" Sam asks the baby and in reply she makes a little noise that sounds vaguely like 'right' so he turns the Impala right and wonders what he would find out on the road.
TBC