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He walks slowly. He isn’t sure why he does so; maybe for some time to think things through, or maybe for dramatic effect. But he’s already thought enough, and the thing he is about to do doesn’t need to be dramaticized. He knows it’s pathetic, and he won’t deny it.
There’s a cool breeze. Osomatsu takes a deep breath, he runs his fingers on the screen of his phone in his hoodie pocket. He feels something burning in the back of his throat, like a yawn that won’t come out, but painful and overwhelming.
When he gets to the bridge, he wants to scream. He wants to yell and cry and spell out every curse word he knows. He grits his teeth, barely getting a hold of himself and his emotions. There aren’t many people out, it is late after all, but it would still be embarrassing for him to have a breakdown in public. So, he grips the railing of the bridge with his hands, his knuckles turning white.
He looks forward. His lips are trembling, and so is he. He feels like jello, his legs are like noodles, his skin feels as if it’s being poked with needles and bitten by fire ants. Even so, he manages to stay upright with the help of the railing he leans his body on. The water is quietly rippling below, a dark puddle of doom.
It’s sort of weird how poetic he gets inside of his head when death is near. He’s saying things as if he doesn’t have control over the situation. And in a way, he doesn’t. Why else would he be there?
His breath shakes as he inhales. He tries to keep it steady, fails. But he supposes it doesn’t really matter, since he’s going to die anyway.
His life is pointless. He has no one to go to the horse races with, no one to eat at Chibita’s with, no one to tease, no one to laugh with, no one there for him, no one to be there for.
No one needs him.
He contributes nothing to life anymore.
Maybe he never has.
He is easily replaceable, his brothers have made that very clear.
But even so, he wants to hear a certain one’s voice one more time before he goes.
He digs his phone out from his hoodie pocket and goes to his contacts. He swallows, just the names of his brothers on the list making him want to cry. Miraculously, he manages to keep the tears at bay, and taps on the phone number.
There’s beeping, and Osomatsu is surprised his number hasn’t been blocked. He waits for his brother to pick up. He waits and waits and waits, he waits until he starts to lose hope. And then, when he’s about to hang up, there’s a voice from the other end.
“ What? ” it curtly asks. How cold.
Osomatsu can’t get any words out for a minute. He hasn’t heard Choromatsu in what feels like ages. He feels his throat start to clog up, and Choromatsu speaks again.
“This better be important, Osomatsu”, he snaps. “If this is some shitty prank I’m going to hang up now.”
“Wait!” Osomatsu hurriedly exclaims. With his free hand, he tightly holds onto the railing in front of him, feeling the coolness of the metal ground him a little. “I… I just -”
There’s a loud sigh. “You just what?”
Osomatsu is quiet for a while, trying to find the words for a simple question. “How are you…?”
It’s Choromatsu’s turn to be quiet. Osomatsu waits in anticipation, ready for Choromatsu to cut the call off.
“Look, Osomatsu”, Choromatsu then says, his voice softer this time, yet still stern. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to get at by asking me something like that, but if it’s money or whatever you’re after, then -”
“It’s not that!” Osomatsu cuts him off, feeling anger bubble inside of him. But can he really blame Choromatsu for his assumption? Osomatsu has never been a good brother, wasn’t it only natural for his brother to think he might have two-faced plans up his sleeve?
“Then what is it, Osomatsu?” It was strange how much it hurt that Choromatsu wasn’t even calling Osomatsu his niisan.
“I just want to know how my little brother is doing, that's all!” Osomatsu forces himself to sound more cheerful. “Tell me how work is going! Do you have a girlfriend yet? Or a boyfriend?”
“Work is fine and I still have no partner, happy?”
“Jeez, no need to be so cold”, Osomatsu mumbles. “I want some more detail.”
There’s another audible sigh. “Fine. Work is tiresome and frustrating, but I need to pay my bills somehow. There’s a… oh, forget it!”
“No no, tell me!” Osomatsu encourages. “Nii-chan is curious!”
A second of silence. “There’s, well, a certain co-worker, I guess…” Choromatsu says, his voice a little muffled as if he’s speaking into his sleeve.
Osomatsu must admit that he’s genuinely interested now. “Oh? Who?”
“Well, that doesn’t matter”, Choromatsu says. “Sometimes we go to the same place for coffee at the same time and he orders me something so I don’t have to pay.”
“And?”
“And? Well, he tells me to take breaks when I forget, I guess…”
“And…?”
“And what? There’s nothing to add, I have no chance with him.”
Osomatsu is frustrated by his brother’s obliviousness. “No one just orders someone coffee, and multiple times, for no reason!” he yells.
Choromatsu sputters something. “He’s just being friendly!”
“Ask him out!”
“No way!”
“Well he’s definitely not going to do it himself based on what you’ve said.”
“I- fuck off, niisan!” Choromatsu barks, but he doesn’t sound mad, more like amused. He even used “niisan”. Maybe Osomatsu’s getting through to him again. Just like old times.
Osomatsu laughs. “How are you, though? You didn’t really answer.”
“I suppose my life could be better”, Choromatsu quietly answers. “But it could be worse.”
Osomatsu lets out a pensive hum. At least his brother is doing better than he is. At least.
“How about you?”
Osomatsu tenses at the question. “Hm?”
“You heard me.”
“I did, I just wasn’t expecting you to ask that.”
There’s a small pause until Choromatsu speaks again. “Aren’t you going to answer?”
Osomatsu isn’t sure what to say. If he’s honest, well… He isn’t sure what Choromatsu would say. Maybe he’s going to mock Osomatsu. Tell him he deserves the pain. Or maybe he’ll hang up, because he doesn’t want to deal with Osomatsu’s bullshit. Osomatsu wouldn’t blame him. Either way, he knows he deserves the loathing of his brothers. He dug his own grave, and he’ll gladly die in it.
So, he lies. “I’m doing just fine.”
“Why am I not convinced?” Choromatsu questions.
Osomatsu feels sweat run down his forehead. It’s strange, really, because he’s not really as cornered as he feels. He could just hang up, throw his phone into the water and then himself. But he refrains from doing so for a reason unknown to him.
“It’s true”, Osomatsu continues his lie, his voice wavering, and he curses himself for it. “There’s nothing to worry about, really. Mom makes me food, I have a roof over my head, I still get an allowance. Everything’s just like always!”
Except, everything is definitely not like always. Everything is different. Everything.
There’s a stronger breeze this time. Osomatsu’s still shaking, but now it’s cold as well, and he can’t imagine the temperature of the water below him.
“Where are you right now?” Choromatsu asks all of a sudden.
Osomatsu scowls. “Why?”
“I can hear it’s windy”, Choromatsu explains. “Where are you?”
“I’m in the backyard”, Osomatsu lies once again. “It was too stuffy inside.”
“Tell me the truth, Osomatsu-niisan”, Choromatsu slowly says, and Osomatsu can hear that it’s a command.
Osomatsu shudders, and he isn’t sure if it’s the chilliness of the air or the fear he suddenly feels.
Before he can even realize it, he can’t stop himself from telling the truth this time. “I’m at the bridge”, he confesses, and in an instant he feels like he’s going to pass out. His heart is beating fast, it’s difficult to breathe, and his thoughts feel muddled. But despite all of that, he stays on the line with Choromatsu, no matter how badly he wants to cut the call off.
Maybe he’s too scared. He doesn’t know. He really doesn’t…
There’s shuffling on the other end. “I’m coming over there, alright?”
There are so many bridges in Akatsuka, in Tokyo, but Choromatsu sounds confident that he knows exactly which bridge Osomatsu is talking about.
Osomatsu lowers his head a little, releasing a shuddering breath. “Okay…”
Why doesn’t he hang up?
There’s a sound of a door opening and closing.
“You live kinda far though, right?” Osomatsu points out.
“That doesn’t matter”, Choromatsu says, sounding a little panicky. “Just stay on the line, okay? Let’s talk about something. What did you eat for lunch?”
“I had onigiri”, Osomatsu truthfully responds. He isn’t shaking as much anymore, but he still feels a little faint.
Osomatsu can hear Choromatsu running, his footsteps on the pavement.
“Did mom make them?” the younger one asks. The question is really unimportant, but Osomatsu answers it anyway.
“Yeah. It’s not like I can cook.”
“I can’t cook either, believe it or not”, Choromatsu admits. “I buy a lot of instant ramen. I was thinking I could take cooking lessons, but I have no time.” He quickly changes the topic back to Osomatsu again: “Have you read any new manga lately? Or any older ones?”
Osomatsu thinks about it for a while. “I bought a new one probably a week ago. I haven’t touched it since, though. Can’t even remember the name. I think it was an isekai.”
“Ah, isekais are always interesting, aren’t they?”
“They’re okay”, Osomatsu monotonously responds. “I don’t know why I bought it, though, if I wasn’t going to read it.”
There’s silence for a second. Choromatsu breaks it.
“Have you been to Chibita’s?”
“No. There’s no point.”
“Oh… I was hoping to know how he’s doing, I live quite far after all.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.”
Osomatsu can hear some muffled chattering, clanking. Is Choromatsu taking the subway? For him?
Osomatsu feels something burning in his eyes. He wipes them with his hoodie sleeve, but the sensation stays persistently.
“Osomatsu? Are you still there?”
Osomatsu lets out an unwanted sniffle. “Y-yeah”, he breathily says.
Soon enough, he can feel salty tears running down his cheeks. He tries to desperately wipe them away, but more just keeps on coming. He feels like he’s about to die from shame and embarrassment if not anything else more fatal. He can’t compose himself.
“Niisan…” Choromatsu whispers, barely audible. Osomatsu doesn’t respond with anything other than a choked sob.
Osomatsu listens to the rattling of the subway. He tells himself that Choromatsu is coming to him. And he can see him again. And… He just wants Choromatsu to come. Where is he? Why is he taking so long?
Osomatsu steps back from the bridge, scared of what he might do. He keeps chanting to himself how everything will be alright, but his words are empty. He knows he’s only lying to himself. What does he have to live for?
Nothing.
He might as well just jump now.
But I’ll wait for Choromatsu. I just want to see him. One last time.
It’s selfish, he knows. He isn’t planning on letting Choromatsu see him die. They’ll just exchange a few words, Choromatsu will go back home, and Osomatsu can finish what he has started.
The rattling stops and Osomatsu can hear Choromatsu exit the subway. The station isn’t that far from the bridge.
Osomatsu holds his breath.
“You’re still at the bridge?” Choromatsu asks.
“Yeah…”
“Good, I’m almost there. Just hang on, alright?”
He’s tried to hang on for months now. How long could he keep doing that?
“The sakura trees will bloom soon, niisan”, Choromatsu tells him.
Osomatsu nods, even though Choromatsu can’t see it. “I know.”
“It’s going to be really pretty.”
“I know…”
Silence. Then:
“Osomatsu-niisan?”
Osomatsu hears the voice amplified. He lowers down the phone from his ear and looks to his left.
There’s Choromatsu, in a white button-up shirt and slacks. He looks a bit winded, judging by the way his shoulders quickly rise and fall. He himself puts down his phone, hanging up.
The two brothers stare at each other for a moment. Osomatsu feels tears stinging his eyes again, his vision getting blurry. He grits his teeth as an attempt to not start sobbing, but soon finds this method to be useless as a soft whimper leaves his throat.
Choromatsu is running to him in a hurried manner. He seems to be in front of him in an instant, and wraps his older brother into a warm embrace. Osomatsu drops his phone on the pavement and hugs the younger one back, way too tight, but not hearing the slightest complaint from Choromatsu.
“Cry it out, niisan”, Choromatsu coos. He presses Osomatsu’s head on his shoulder, his other hand stroking Osomatsu’s back. Osomatsu grips the back of Choromatsu’s shirt like it’s his lifeline. In a way it is.
Osomatsu does as he’s asked. He sobs his heart out, wails his throat raw. He has no shame at that point. He’s too exhausted to care.
Choromatsu tells him sweet things as he cries. None of those things Osomatsu can hear over his own sobs, but despite not making sense of the words, Choromatsu’s voice is everything he needs to hear at that moment.
As his sobs quiet down, Choromatsu’s words become more coherent: “You’re so important to me. Thank you. Thank you.”
What’s he thanking Osomatsu for? Osomatsu has done nothing but bring misery to his brothers, especially Choromatsu. Thinking about those times makes Osomatsu want to disappear all over again.
Osomatsu loosens his grip a little, but keeps his head buried in Choromatsu’s shoulder. The younger one shields him from the cool wind.
“Everything’s gonna be alright”, Choromatsu softly whispers. His voice is soothing. “I’ll be here for you. I’ll help you. I won’t leave you.”
Osomatsu sniffles. He pulls away from Choromatsu, and Choromatsu moves his hands to Osomatsu’s shoulders. He’s smiling his signature V-shaped smile. It’s weak, barely even there, but it’s comforting.
But Osomatsu can’t give him a smile in return.
“It’s getting late, niisan”, Choromatsu points out.
He’s right. The sky is getting dark.
Choromatsu runs his fingers through Osomatsu’s hair. “Let’s get you home, how’s that sound?” he suggests. “I can stay overnight. We’ll figure things out in the morning.”
Osomatsu gives him a timid nod. He picks up his phone from the pavement. It’s unharmed.
As they start slowly walking, Osomatsu leans on Choromatsu for support. He still feels weak, and after crying so much, he’s even more exhausted than before.
He isn’t sure what the future holds. But there is something he knows for certain.
He wants to see the sakura trees bloom.