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For as long as Hansol can remember, people have always been fixated on his face. At first it was for all the wrong reasons, his clearly foreign features sticking out like a sore thumb, garnering suspicious scrutiny everywhere he went. The weight of eyes staring at him, clearly identifying him as ‘other,’ while he clung tightly to his mom’s hand, is something he’ll always carry with him. Once when he’d come home near tears, stinging from a carelessly cruel comment a classmate had said about how he didn’t belong in Seoul or New York, his dad had wrapped him in his arms. “Oh Hansol-ah,” he had murmured into his hair, “some people just don’t handle ‘different’ well.” Hansol remembers the gentle assurance that there was nothing wrong with him or baby Hangyeol, contrasted with the cold truth that some people were always going to look at their faces and make assumptions about them from it.
Even as a young child, Hansol understands how supremely unfair this is. He pours all his energy into being as Korean as possible, speaking slowly and clearly, trying to watch Saturday morning cartoons instead of Shaun the Sheep on Youtube so that he could understand the jokes they told at school. But despite all his efforts, people never stop looking at his face.
The first time he meets Seungkwan, he’s staring at his face too. Seungkwan transfers into his class halfway in the school year during Hansol’s last year of middle school. He introduces himself cheerfully and somehow manages to make more friends in their lunch period than Hansol has made all year. When he comes to talk to Hansol, his eyes are wide with surprise. “Oh a foreigner?” he asks excitedly. “Hi, I’m Seungkwan,” he greets in accented English and Hansol bites back a sigh.
“A foreigner?” is how everyone guesses first when they first meet him. The surprise that blooms whenever Hansol replies in perfect Korean always leaves him feeling both proud and resigned. These same feelings bubble up when he says, “I live close by actually,” Seungkwan’s chubby cheeks going ruddy with embarrassment. Hansol doesn’t pay it any mind and goes back to doodling over his science homework. After all, this is pretty normal for him.
What isn’t normal is the way Seungkwan apologizes. The very next day he brings Hansol a huge basket of Jeju oranges, the rest of their classmates staring at them both with undisguised surprise. “Please forgive me for being rude!” Seungkwan practically shouts. Hansol is so taken aback by his apology - no one ever really apologizes to him - that he only nods. Seungkwan relaxes, and comes to sit by him at lunch. From that point on, they’re inseparable.
It’s nice to have a best friend. People still bug him, but Hansol quickly learns that the easiest way to get people to lay off is to bore them. So he adopts a blank, polite expression, trying as hard as possible to fade into the background so his classmates drop the “DiCaprio” jokes. He’s pretty sure that Seungkwan doesn’t get why he’s like this, but he does glare at people for him which is nice. Seungkwan’s glare is a lot more effective than his.
Hansol doesn’t hate his face but he does become indifferent to it. It feels inevitable to reach this point, since it’s been the source of so much strife in his life thus far. The thing is, he becomes too indifferent. So much so that he doesn’t realize when things shift.
On Valentine’s Day, in his first year of high school, Hangyeol wakes him up extra early to give him a card she’d made him, complete with glittery red hearts and the like. Seungkwan coos over it when Hansol shows him.
“The only Valentine I’ll get,” Hansol says solemnly, which makes Seungkwan laugh and playfully smack his shoulder.
Famous last words.
The two of them walk into class only to stop dead in their tracks. Hansol’s desk is in the middle, two rows behind Seungkwan. Their teacher had separated them when they got caught too many times whispering to each other. From the door, there’s a perfect vantage point of his seat. His seat, which has been hit with a pink explosion of letters, tiny perfectly wrapped gifts, and a massive pile of chocolate.
He and Seungkwan turn to stare at each other for a moment, before looking back at his desk. Most of the girls that are already in class are studiously avoiding their gaze, but some of their male classmates are shooting Hansol looks. Envious looks. What the hell?
“Um,” Hansol says, taking a step backwards, ready to run. He can play hooky, it’s fine. He’s pretty sure his seat is like, cursed or something. But Seungkwan, braver than him in all ways, seizes his elbow and drags him inside the classroom. He starts going systematically through the pile, peering at the letters and gifts, while Hansol stands stiffly beside him, too nervous to touch anything. “It’s a practical joke,” he hisses to Seungkwan after a few minutes have gone by. Some of the girls in their year are really scary; Hansol wouldn’t be surprised if they’d teamed up to do this. Why him, Hansol doesn’t know. Maybe that silent fart he’d let out last week during biology wasn’t as silent as he thought.
Seungkwan gives him an affronted look. “No,” he says slowly. “They’re Valentine’s presents.” He slaps a letter into Hansol’s hands, ignoring Hansol’s panicked yelp. “Love letters, little gifts and - and chocolate!” He gets louder, torn between glee and outrage. Hansol wants to hide somewhere. Preferably a hole, several feet deep. “Chwe Hansol, look at how many girls want to be your Valentine!”
That’s not possible. Besides, Hangyeol is already his Valentine. He had promised her to bring her strawberry cake today. He stares at Seungkwan, wide eyes, completely bewildered. He has no idea how to respond to this. “But… how?”
Seungkwan’s eyes narrow. “How?” he repeats, crossing his arms.
“Why,” Hansol amends, gesturing to the pile. “I don’t. But I. How?” he ends up saying again.
Seungkwan kind of looks like he wants to throttle him. “How. Why,” he mocks, shaking his head, lips pursing in that way he gets when he’s annoyed. “You’re really asking - ugh! Handsome people really don’t deserve anything!”
“Seungkwan-ah,” Hansol says helplessly, but Seungkwan storms off to his seat, leaving Hansol to his disaster zone of a desk. Hansol is well aware of his classmates staring at him as he awkwardly tries to organize the mess before their teacher arrives. He feels a little bad about it but places most of them on the ground, covered by his school bag. Luckily after the first lesson, Seungkwan comes over, done with being annoyed at Hansol, and helps him do it properly. At lunch, he gains favor with the boys again by sharing all his chocolate. He would share with the girls too but most of them refuse to make eye contact with him, either giggling or looking put out. The best ones, he gives to Seungkwan.
Handsome. That’s what Seungkwan called him, the first time anyone outside his family has ever said anything undeniably positive regarding his face. He won’t bring it up again, not even for clarification, because he doesn’t want Seungkwan to get mad. But Hansol doesn’t really believe him. He has an interesting face, sure, but he knows the types that people like. He’s not one of them. After all, he’d been poked fun at for too long for people to suddenly change their minds about him.
February ends and vacation begins; he and Seungkwan keep themselves busy, so much so that Hansol pretty much forgets about the incident. It was a fluke, that’s all. Then the next term starts, and the attention starts back up again, renewed. He keeps getting letters, even on normal days. On his desk, stuffed in his locker. Every week at lunch when Seungkwan updates him on all the gossip he’d collected, he mentions at least one new girl that apparently has a crush on him. A lot of the time, Hansol has never heard of them. All of it is very, very, baffling to Hansol. His sister is still the only girl he talks to regularly, and occasionally Seungkwan’s sisters. He has no idea where all of these girls are coming from.
The first time anyone ever confesses to him, he freezes. It’s terrible, but he doesn’t say a single word, staring back at her until the poor girl runs away in tears. Seungkwan berates him for an entire month because of that and Hansol feels both guilty and awkward, because he doesn’t know these girls. So Seungkwan is right: they’re only interested in him because of his face. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about that.
But nothing can prepare him for Yoo Jeongyeon. Yoo Jeongyeon, two years older, student body president, very pretty in a sharp manner, the way big cat predators are. Leopard-like. She sure feels like a predator; the day she strolls into his classroom during their break, all chatter dissipating at the sight of her. Hansol is sure Seungkwan has some kind of stroke when she comes to sit on Hansol’s desk.
“Chwe Hansol,” she says. How the hell does she know his name! “You don’t have a girlfriend, do you?”
“Uh,” Hansol responds, fifteen and frightened. He looks over at Seungkwan, at a loss. Jeongyeon turns her head too, and Seungkwan goes white as a sheet when her eyes land on him.
“No, he doesn’t!” he squeaks out. Hansol isn’t sure if he should be grateful or furious at Seungkwan for answering.
The smile she gives him is positively terrifying. “Go out with me then.” She frames it as a statement, rather than a request. It’s very different from any interaction he’s had with girls thus far. Hansol is too intimidated to say anything otherwise, nodding dumbly.
And that's how Hansol gets his first girlfriend.
It's a disaster. He doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend. Suddenly, every lunch period is spent with Jeongyeon, who is really cool but really scary. She’s introverted, like him, so a lot of those lunches are spent in silence until she decides to tell him a story. She cooks though, so she brings him something tasty every time, which Hansol is grateful for. Even though he doesn’t know how to talk to her. Even though he sometimes feels more like a pet than a boyfriend. Two months in, Hansol still has to battle the urge to run away, back to the comfort of Seungkwan’s nagging at their usual table.
Seungkwan, unsurprisingly, is very supportive of his relationship, “You two look so cool together!” He gushes whenever Hansol comes over after school, face-down in Seungkwan’s bed, decompressing from the day and wishing to become a snail. Snails don’t have to worry about girls. “Sollie is definitely moving up the social ladder by dating Jeongyeon noona.”
Hansol certainly doesn’t care about that. And something tells him, if he actually divulges how weird his so-called “relationship” is, Seungkwan would have good advice for him. But, in the end it isn’t something to worry about for too long. A week before she graduates, Jeongyeon breaks up with him. Right after she’d kissed him for the first time, Hansol’s poor brain powering down during it. His jaw drops when she pulls away, staring in complete shock as she ends it between them. Not because he’s upset but - she just kissed him .
She only smiles that terrifying smile. “You have a lot of growing up to do, kiddo,” she tells him, not unkindly. It’s the last thing she ever tells him, quickly getting swept up into preparation for graduation, and subsequently college. Hansol probably doesn’t feel as bad about it as he should be. In fact, it’s a bit of a relief to be free of an arrangement where he wasn’t quite sure what to do. The more he thinks about it, the less he understands how it even happened in the first place.
His classmates, on the other hand, are distraught for him.
“What a bummer,” one of them says from the crowd that’s formed around him when the news hits the rest of the school. “If you stuck it out, you could’ve had a college girlfriend.”
It’s the way he says it, all reverent and deluded, that has Hansol speaking up. The truth, this time. “It’s fine, actually. More than fine. Our relationship was… weird.” He shrugs his shoulders a little, ignoring the way everyone’s faces twist with disbelief. Seungkwan’s hand comes out to rub his ear, in comfort, and Hansol relaxes a little.
“I don’t get you, Chwe.” His classmate shakes his head sadly, like he’s pitying Hansol or something. “You get the prettiest third-year and you waste it.”
Hansol suddenly feels annoyed. He didn’t get it either; that’s the whole reason why this entire thing was so freaking weird. “I just don’t know how to feel about it,” he ends up saying, regretting his earlier candor. He should’ve known better.
Seungkwan gets it, though. He always does.
“It’s okay,” he tells Hansol later, when it’s just the two of them walking out of school. “Hansol-ah, it’s okay if you don’t know how to feel about it…” He trails off, looking thoughtful. “Sometimes, when I feel… weird about stuff I write it down. In a journal.” He whispers this last bit, looking a little flustered, and Hansol has a feeling that Seungkwan’s shared something with him he’s never told anyone else before. Humbled, and a little honored, he nods.
“Maybe I should try that,” he says and Seungkwan’s answering beam is blinding. Hansol is taken aback when Seungkwan unzips his bag and shoves a mini notebook into his hands.
“I always have an extra on hand,” Seungkwan says breezily, in face of Hansol’s bewilderment. “Just in case I need to write something during class… sometimes my entries can get kinda long… anyways!” He’s flustered again from his rambling but brightens once more when Hansol quietly thanks him. “Tell me if it helps!”
Seungkwan waves furiously before walking to his bus stop. Hansol waves back, before his gaze drops to the notebook. He rummages for a pen in his backpack, and flips to the first page.
entry #1: if a cool upperclassman randomly picks you to be their boyfriend, you’ll probably have no idea what’s going on. that’s okay. all girls, besides gyeolie and mom, are crazy.
In his third and final year of high school, three major things happen that shake Hansol’s life. The first is his mom deciding to leave back to the States, taking Hangyeol with her. Their departure is a slap in the face, leaving him reeling. He knows things have been tense between his parents for some time, probably since they moved to Korea, but he didn’t realize it had gotten that bad. His mom holds him tight at the airport, promising to call as often as possible, Hansol trying to listen over Hangyeol crying in his dad’s arms. “It’ll be like we never left,” his mom murmurs into his hair. “Promise.”
Hansol doesn’t believe her. No matter what she promises, it won’t be the same. Hansol already knows this. But he loves his mom too much to see her in pain any more, so he doesn’t protest when she goes. Even though her leaving with his sister feels like they’ve scooped two vital parts right out of his heart.
The second comes from Seungkwan. Hansol is already out of sorts, struggling with an too-empty apartment and his distressed dad trying to fill all the roles of a family for Hansol’s sake. Seungkwan, normally extremely empathetic to Hansol’s moods, is also strangely frazzled which sets him off even more. The first few weeks at school feel tense, prickling with uneasy energy from both of them. Seungkwan feels very far away from him. Hansol can’t help feeling hurt over it - he’s going through a rough time, and Seungkwan is being weird too? Right when Hansol needs him most. It sucks. Seungkwan blames it on cram school and worries for entrance exams, but Seungkwan won’t even set aside their lunch hour for them, which stings more than Hansol expects.
Seungkwan, popular and well-liked, constantly surrounded by people, has always made sure lunch was just for them. It’s not a perfect system; Seungkwan is a very busy person who’s involved in lots of activities, and it’s not as if Hansol doesn’t have other friends he hangs out with. But nowadays, Hansol sits in a big group with everyone, watching Seungkwan laugh with their other friends, and feels more alone than ever.
It all comes to a head when Seungkwan invites him over the weekend to study, the first invitation he’s extended all term. They don’t study. Instead, Seungkwan takes Hansol’s hand, and whispers, “Hansol, I have something to tell you,” in the smallest voice Hansol’s ever heard come out of him. It feels wrong, Seungkwan should never sound like this.
Hansol is suddenly very afraid of what he’s going to say. Seungkwan doesn’t want to be friends anymore, he’s going to leave Hansol, and Hansol will really be alone then -
“I like boys,” Seungkwan says shakily, cutting through the panicked whirlwind fluttering in Hansol’s mind. He goes still.
Oh. That… is not what Hansol was expecting him to say. “Okay,” Hansol says after a long pause. Seungkwan’s mouth twitches unhappily, and Hansol clears his throat. “That’s – okay, Seungkwan. It’s cool.”
Seungkwan bites his lip. “Hansol-ah, I only like boys. Do you… understand?”
Hansol understands, even if his brain sort of feels like a gong after Seungkwan’s told him. Smacked hard with the knowledge, reverberating in his skull: I only like boys, I only like boys. Seungkwan only likes boys.
“I understand,” he says weakly. He’s scrambling to find the words to erase the terrified look in Seungkwan’s eyes. “That’s okay, Seungkwan-ah,” he repeats again, because he really doesn’t know what he should say. For some reason, his tongue is clumsier than usual, unable to form the words of support he knows Seungkwan needs right now. Seungkwan is looking at him like he’s expecting something more but Hansol has nothing to give him.
When Seungkwan finally lets go of his hand, Hansol stays quiet. They study in stiff silence, the air still uneasy between them.
Seungkwan gets even more distant after that. He doesn’t even stick around during lunch anymore, even with the others, always running off someplace. And with cram school keeping them busy, Hansol doesn’t have the excuse to come over, even though he longs for the familiarity of Seungkwan’s bed and Jeju-style cooking. Hansol hates it. He doesn’t know what to do to make things right between them again. He misses his best friend.
Hansol tries to reach out again when Seungkwan is scrambling his things together for lunch. “Seungkwan,” he says through a tight throat. “Seungkwan-ah, I.” Words fail him at the way Seungkwan looks up at him. “Are we good?” he tries. “We haven’t… been spending a lot of time together.”
Guilt flashes on Seungkwan’s face. “I know,” he murmurs apologetically. “Hansol-ah, I’m sorry. I’m… kinda seeing someone right now.”
There’s emphasis on the way Seungkwan says “someone” even as his voice drops to a whisper. Hansol immediately understands - Seungkwan is sneaking around with another guy. This knowledge makes Hansol’s stomach hurt. Not because Seungkwan has a boyfriend, or whatever - what does “kinda” seeing someone mean? - but because Seungkwan hid it from him. When were you gonna tell me? he wants to ask.
“That’s great,” he says instead, well aware of how unconvincing he sounds. He’s such a shitty friend. He should be happy for Seungkwan; this is a stressful time for him, and if he found someone to comfort him, then good.
But Hansol needs comfort too. Not from anyone though. From Seungkwan. But he can’t be selfish and ask more from Seungkwan than he’s able to give. He has to be happy for Seungkwan, even if he’s miserable.
He’s not great at hiding it though. Seungkwan is too busy to notice, but even the densest of his friends start to give him confused, concerned looks. It’s a dark cloud hanging over his head, Hansol walking around with it, radiating misery. Even his dad, as stressed out and busy as he is, realizes how gloomy Hansol's been, despite not knowing what’s happening between him and Seungkwan.
“Home’s been really quiet lately huh?” he asks over dinner once, Hansol poking morosely at his takeout. He misses his mom’s weird cooking. “What do you think about getting a pet, hmm? A cat, maybe?”
Hansol looks up at that, interest piqued slightly at his dad’s words. “A cat?” Hangyeol and his mom have been staying at his grandparents’ place, and Hangyeol is always sending him pictures of the family cat - a cuddly calico named Socks.
His dad seems enormously relieved that Hansol is responding positively. “Well, I saw that the shelter by your cram school is taking volunteers. How about going there on the weekends and maybe picking one later?”
That’s how he meets Son Chaeyoung, early Saturday morning, the two of them wearing bright orange volunteer shirts. They have a cute paw print design on the back, even though Chaeyoung makes a face at it. “Who decided this color?” she demands. “We’re trying to get people to adopt cats, not blind them.”
Hansol shrugs, scooping kitty kibble into bowls. “Maybe the cats like them.”
For whatever reason, this answer seems to please her. “Hm,” is all she says, but she sticks to him like glue after that. Chaeyoung is a year younger, attends school close to the shelter, and hates the idea of college. “Screw cram school. I’m going to be a tattoo artist,” she tells him the fifth time they have a shift together as they’re brushing the cats’ fur. Hansol is pretty impressed with that, stopping his cooing at Saja, a pretty Norwegian Forest, to give her an appreciative smile.
“That’s cool. I wish I knew what I wanted to do.”
Chaeyoung, for some unfathomable reason, turns pink. Then she leans closer and quickly kisses him on the mouth. Hansol blinks at her, perturbed. “Not… in front of the cats,” he says, lifting one of Saja’s paws up in protest. Chaeyoung laughs, and she kisses him again at the end of their shift. Her chapstick is melon flavored. Two weeks later, Hansol adopts a feisty tabby that he names Frankie and Chaeyoung officially becomes his girlfriend.
He feels like this is the sort of thing he should tell Seungkwan. In person. He doesn’t though, because Seungkwan is still far away from him, and Hansol doesn’t know how to navigate that distance. He texts Seungkwan pictures of Frankie and Seungkwan responds with a bunch of heart emojis. Hansol doesn’t mention Chaeyoung.
He does, however, tell Chaeyoung all about Seungkwan. Maybe it’s because unlike Jeongyeon, Chaeyoung actually feels like his girlfriend. They play video games together - Chaeyoung always beats him at Mario Kart - take care of Frankie together, and kiss a lot. Hansol has to buy his own lip balm because of how chapped his lips get. Chaeyoung is cool, and nice, and he can talk to her. So eventually, he tells her about Seungkwan, his best friend, who he’s currently not talking to. He tries to explain it as vaguely as he can, without outing Seungkwan or going too much into detail.
Chaeyoung is very blunt about it. “You should like, tell him,” Chaeyoung says, in the middle of playing with Frankie, cooing at him when he starts swatting at the toy mouse she’s dangling over him. “Just text him. Seungkwan, I miss you. Then I can finally meet him!”
Hansol’s already met Chaeyoung’s friends, Dahyun and Jinsuk, an extremely uncomfortable outing where Chaeyoung turned into a giggling mess he couldn’t recognize. He bought all of them milk tea too, putting a dent on his allowance. Terrible. He’s been missing Seungkwan this entire time, but he missed him terribly that day, wondering if things were going well with his “boyfriend” or not. If he’d gone from “kinda dating” to “real dating.”
He sighs at Chaeyoung’s suggestion. If only it were that easy. This opens the floodgates though - in between cram school, caring for Frankie, and hanging with Chaeyoung, he can’t stop talking about Seungkwan. It’s as if Hansol is making up for his absence, trying to recreate him in his own way. Chaeyoung indulges him, but always responds with the same exasperated, “Just talk to him, oppa.”
Hansol makes a face. It’s not her fault because he can’t explain why things are so awkward, but Chaeyoung just doesn’t get it.
Then, there’s a mock CSAT at school. So called practice entrance exams, to see how well their studying is coming along.
Hansol doesn’t do very well. It shouldn’t surprise him; he always does better in school with Seungkwan as a grounding presence, usually uninterested in homework. But the reality of the results comes crashing down on Hansol. He can’t tell his parents; he can’t tell his girlfriend. There’s only one person he can tell.
Seungkwan is sleepy and disoriented when he opens the door, answering Hansol’s call, but his eyes widen at the sight of Hansol’s frazzled state. “Hansollie?” he asks, warm with concern, and Hansol can’t help it. He starts crying, stupid useless tears spilling down his cheeks. Seungkwan makes a hurt noise, tugging him through the door, wrapping him up in a hug. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Seungkwan says over and over, rubbing soothing circles on Hansol’s back while Hansol quietly cries into his shoulder. Seungkwan’s hugs are special. He misses his mom, who gives the best hugs, and his dad does his best, but Seungkwan’s have always been different. It’s such a relief to be melting into his embrace now.
They stay up all night talking, crammed into Seungkwan’s bed, whispering as to not wake up his sisters. Hansol tells him about his score, his mom, Chaeyoung. Seungkwan tells him about his stress headaches, his nightmares, and his not-boyfriend. “I think he just wanted to mess around because I was more out than him,” Seungkwan’s smile is humorless. “I was stupid about it.”
“You’re never stupid,” Hansol says in a hushed voice. “I’m sorry.”
Seungkwan squeezes him tight. “I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry, Sollie.”
The next morning, both of them are scolded severely by Seungkwan’s mom for not sleeping properly on a school night but Hansol is too grateful for her breakfast to feel too chastised. He calls his dad, who tells him in good humor, “well, at least you weren’t at your girlfriend’s place!” and he and Seungkwan walk to school together for the first time this term.
seungkwan & i made up, he texts Chaeyoung before first period. He kind of went radio silent on her during his little freakout, so he apologizes for that too. thx for listening to me complain this whole time.
congrats i’m happy for you, she sends back during lunch period. let’s meet up 2morrow.
Hansol is legitimately surprised when she breaks up with him. Like, he knows he wasn’t at his best the past week, but he and Chaeyoung have good times together. He asks why, and she’s surprisingly forthright about it.
“Well,” Chaeyoung says, wrinkling her nose. “I definitely figured out I like girls. Like, I definitely am a girls girl.”
“…Oh.” Hansol is momentarily speechless. Should he congratulate her? Apologize to her? Chaeyoung seems to take pity, sensing his inner turmoil. Leaning over to punch his shoulder, in her usual way.
“Calm down, Chwe. It’s not… your fault I realized I’m a lesbian or whatever. Well, you helped I guess.” She considers him for a moment. “We’re friends right? Before exes, we’re gonna be friends.”
Hansol nods. Chaeyoung heaves a sigh. “Okay, so as your friend I’m gonna tell you. You were a pretty shit boyfriend.”
Hansol winces. Ouch. “I’m… sorry.”
Chaeyoung shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. Well, it’s not fine. But I get it, you know? If Jinsuk and I weren’t talking for two months, I definitely would’ve complained to you the whole time.”
Ah. Hansol gets it. He did dump a lot of emotional stuff on her. He wasn’t very fair. “Sorry for treating you like a therapist,” he says sincerely. “I really appreciate everything you did for me.”
Chaeyoung gives him a weird look, a strange reaction to his apology. “Oh, you don’t get it do you?”
Hansol blinks. “Get what?”
Chaeyoung sighs loudly, punching him again, harder this time. “Oppa, you’re hopeless.”
The third thing that shakes Hansol’s life this year isn’t dating Chaeyoung or her dumping him. It’s not being able to go to the same university as Seungkwan. Miraculously, Hansol gets admitted into the Korean National University of Arts but Seungkwan is going to Hanyang. Seungkwan deserves it, he deserves everything, but Hansol can’t help but feel like he’s getting left behind.
His dad and Seungkwan’s mom throw a celebratory dinner for them, and Hansol pastes a plastic smile on for the night. Seungkwan knows better though, and quickly takes him to the privacy of his room while their parents drink makgeolli and cry happy tears. Hansol presses his face to the crook of Seungkwan’s neck, unwilling to let Seungkwan see the devastation in his eyes. He won’t be selfish, and ruin this.
But Seungkwan knows what he’s feeling, he always does. He cups the back of Hansol’s head, curling him to him. “Look at this Sollie,” he says quietly. Hansol sighs, and lifts his head to look at the map application Seungkwan has open on his phone. It shows the distance between their colleges .“Only nineteen kilometers. That isn’t so bad, is it?” Seungkwan’s cheerful tone is oddly strained, and Hansol is suddenly struck with the knowledge that Seungkwan might also be upset that they’re going to be separated. He wraps his arms around Seungkwan’s middle, dragging him to lie down against the bed.
“Only nineteen kilometers,” he repeats softly.
Now it’s Seungkwan’s turn to hide his face in Hansol’s chest. “Things will change,” Seungkwan murmurs quietly. “It’ll be hard but. You’re always going to be my best friend. Okay?”
Hansol believes him.
entry #12: this year is so cursed. mom moves away, my ex breaks up with me bc she's a lesbian (very cool, sexuality is fluid!) at least boo is talking to me again
College is crazy. Hansol wants to go back in time and slap his slacker high school self up the head, because he thought high school was bad, but college is insane. He doesn’t have much time to miss Seungkwan in between his crazy orientation week, getting moved into the dormitories, and learning the layout of his campus. The two of them text each other as frequently as they can, though most of it is in amazement at their brand new lives.
My professor canceled class because he was hungover!! Seungkwan sends him once. Hansol replies with, i’m pretty sure my music theory professor is still drunk right now.
Apparently Seungkwan has a terrible roommate, but Hansol lucks out with Kang Hyunggu. He’s cool, enthusiastic, with a passion for music that Hansol admires. He reminds him a lot of Seungkwan, though Seungkwan doesn’t reply for a whole day when he mentions that. Hyunggu is also a lot more sociable than him, already in a club two weeks into their first semester, and the rest of Hansol’s college friends are all through Hyunggu. It’s nice to be surrounded by people with similar interests, all of them music nerds in some way.
Hansol and Seungkwan both attend their first college party on the same weekend, only apart with their respective college friends. Hansol gets too dizzy after too many losing games of beer pong. Jamie, an upperclassman who definitely drank more than him, helps him sober up, the two of them confusing the rest of the group with their combined Korean and English. Hansol misses a call from Seungkwan in the chaos, but the voicemail he leaves him is an unexpected gift in the morning.
“Hansolllieeee you didn’t pick up! You’re terrible, I’m not your friend anymore. No, I lied, I’m just drunk and I miss you soooooo much! This party was sooooo crazy!!! It was a liiiiiittle scary. Binnie says I’m a lightweight but I don’t think that’s true. I can walk in a straight line, and everything! Was your party fun? It must’ve been since you didn’t pick up! But that’s okay, I’m glad you’re having fun. You should have lots of fun. And also eat well and take your vitamins. You’re taking your vitamins, aren’t you Sollie? Okay wait, I think I lost my phone so I'll call you later. Bye, love youuuuuu!”
Hansol replays that voicemail multiple times that week, grinning stupidly every time. Seungkwan’s a lightweight, that’s so him. Hyunggu catches him once, pointing in disbelief: “Hey! You said you were single, why are you lying?” Hansol explains that it’s only his best friend from high school and Hyunggu perks up when he mentions that Seungkwan goes to Hanyang. “Wait, their parties are so good. You gotta get us in, dude!”
Hansol isn’t sure if he’s a party person, especially after this past weekend. Still, he’ll take any excuse to see Seungkwan, so he texts him to ask. Seungkwan sends back an address for a party next weekend with the condition that “Hansollie isn’t allowed to laugh at my alcohol tolerance.” Hyunggu brings his friend Wooseok, and Hansol meets up with Seungkwan in person for the first time in two months. Seungkwan throws himself at him, Hansol clutching him tight to his chest in response.
“Hansollie!” Seungkwan cheers, squeezing his shoulders. “Did you get taller? What the hell are you eating?”
“Seungkwan,” Hansol greets him effusively, putting him down to get a proper look at him. And - whoa. Seungkwan is all dressed up, wearing skin-tight jeans that cling to his slender legs, and a loose shirt with a wide collar that shows off his neck. Hansol blinks when he realizes Seungkwan’s wearing a little eyeliner. He looks - pretty. That’s the only word Hansol can come up with. They’d both dyed their hair after high school ended, one last thing to do together. Hansol still isn’t sure of his own dark blonde but Seungkwan’s chocolate brown suits him very well. Hansol’s also, distinctly, looking down on him a little. “...I guess our dining hall is better than yours.”
The tall guy next to Seungkwan snorts. “I bet. Our food sucks.” From there, introductions are quickly made. Seungkwan’s friend is Moonbin, who's in all of his classes. Hyunggu connects with him immediately and Seungkwan seems to like Wooseok, so all-in-all it’s not a disastrous first meeting. It’s honestly not until they walk over to where the party’s hosted, Seungkwan clinging to his arm, that it hits Hansol how much he’s missed Seungkwan. How he’d rather spend the time sitting with Seungkwan and catching up, instead of getting drunk at a stupid party.
But it’s too late to say anything and soon they’re inside, hands filled with cups of beer. Hansol watches in amazement as Seungkwan chugs his down like water. Then, he turns to their little group with starry eyes. “I’m gonna find a boy to kiss!” he declares, and Hansol makes a noise that’s a cross between a parrot squawk and a goat bleat. Pretty impressive honestly, but Seungkwan’s already disappeared into the crowd before he can get a word in.
Moonbin sighs from beside him. “He always gets like this,” he says.
“Good for him,” Hyunggu declares.
Hansol says nothing and downs the rest of his drink.
Several beers later, a tipsy Hyunggu drags Hansol to a room where several people are sitting in a circle on the ground, playing some kind of game. Hansol doesn’t pay much attention, still looking around for Seungkwan, but is surprised when Hyunggu slaps his back with a loud whoop. “What?” he asks, when Hyunggu pushes him to his feet. Is this part of the game? He sees someone else standing up, a girl who’s much tipsier than him, grabbing his arm with a loud giggle.
“Seven minutes in heaven!” Hyunggu calls out. Hansol’s head whips back.
“What?” Hansol doesn’t have time to try to make an escape, and before he knows it he’s pushed into a dark, cramped closet with a girl he doesn’t know. He’s never coming to a Hanyang party again. His whole body stiffens when the girl wraps her arms around his shoulders.
“Hi,” she giggles.
“Um,” Hansol says, eyeing the door. Seven minutes in heaven… Seungkwan told him his spacing out would get him in trouble one day, and here it is. Big trouble. “Hi,” he concedes, trying to gently remove her hands. “Listen, sorry but I don’t - “
“Just a sec,” the girl says, completely ignoring Hansol. At least her hands are off his shoulders now. But now they’re moving to her shirt and - Hansol’s entire brain short-circuits when he realizes that she’s unbuttoning her shirt. Unbuttoning it! There’s a sudden glimpse of lace from her bra and Hansol can’t think anymore.
He panics. “Whoa!” Hansol flails his hands around, not sure what to do. He isn’t proud of what he does next, but it happens anyway. He makes a run for it, bursting out through the closet door, uncaring of what it looks like. Ignoring the questions from some spectators by the door, eyes roaming frantically for his friends. He spots Hyunggu, who’s reunited with Wooseok and Moonbin. Seungkwan is there too. Thank god.
“Hey!” Hyunggu grins at him as he practically sprints in their direction. “How was heaven?”
Heaven? Hah! “That girl wanted to have sex with me,” Hansol stutters, aware he sounds a little hysterical. Wooseok wolf whistles but Seungkwan peers at his face, eyes narrowed. His face is red, so he’s drunk, but apparently not drunk enough to overlook Hansol’s distress.
“Did you fuck her?” Seungkwan demands. Hansol’s head spins a little at the way Seungkwan says "fuck." “In the closet, Chwe Hansol, really?”
“No!” Hansol protests, heating up. Of course he didn’t! How could Seungkwan think that? Even if Hansol wanted to - which he didn’t! - there wasn’t room to do that kind of thing anyways. “I ran away!”
Three absolutely gobsmacked faces stare back at him. Then, Hyunggu and Wooseok start cackling like mad hyenas while Moonbin chokes, clearly torn between laughing or not. Seungkwan, on the other hand, keeps staring at him, eyes burning right through him. Hansol wants to run away again. Seungkwan turns to give their laughing friends a withering stare, before seizing Hansol by the wrist and dragging him back to the very closet Hansol ran away from. There are several wolf whistles coming from some random people, but Seungkwan ignores them, pushing Hansol in. Luckily it’s empty this time, but Hansol still squeaks in surprise when Seungkwan shuts the door.
Seungkwan steps close to him, closer than the girl had been. Those few minutes had been nerve-wracking, Hansol’s heart beating anxiously. His heart is beating hard again, but it’s not anxiety. He feels kind of tingly, actually. Excited or something like that. Is this some sort of delayed horny reaction to seeing that bra earlier?
“Be honest with me.” Seungkwan’s voice breaks through Hansol’s daze. “You didn’t know what to do, did you?”
Hansol is very glad it’s dark in here. His face is on fire. He needs the homie Aslan to pull a solid one for him and open up a new world through these jackets, so he can escape this conversation. Right now. “Seungkwan,” he sputters. Any traces of excitement are dead and gone now. There is no way Seungkwan is trying to lecture him about sex in a closet at a college party. “I don’t - you can’t - I know how sex works!”
Seungkwan kicks his leg. “Idiot!” he says hotly. “I know you know how it works! We were in the same biology class! But that doesn’t mean you knew what to do - “
“Seungkwan, can we please not talk about this oh my god - “
“ - and I really think you should talk to Jinseol noona, or even Sojeong noona, they’ll have good advice for you - “
Hansol’s head spins. Not Seungkwan’s sisters! He will die first before getting sex advice from either of them. He will literally walk into Seoul traffic and let the cars take him before he has to talk about his dick with women who have seen him in his old Spiderman pajamas.
“ - listen!” Seungkwan has this uncanny ability to tell when Hansol’s spacing out, even though he can’t see his face. Hansol doesn’t want to listen but Seungkwan’s gripping the front of his shirt, tugging him closer. “I had to ask some older gays how to do things to and - “
Hansol’s brain short-circuits for the second time tonight. “Things?” he repeats. Seungkwan doing things ? Like… sex things? And he didn’t tell him? His stomach swoops uncomfortably. “You… you’ve had…” He trails off, flustered, and Seungkwan lets go of his shirt.
“No!” Seungkwan sounds as flustered as he feels. “I haven’t - no , only kissing.”
Hansol relaxes. He hadn’t realized he’d tensed up in the first place. “Oh. Me too.”
There’s awkward silence now. Seungkwan fidgets a little before grabbing Hansol’s hand. “Sorry,” he murmurs. Seungkwan always uses a hand lotion, so his skin is super soft. “I don’t know why I thought you had sex in a closet. It’s way too cramped in here.”
Hansol laughs. “That’s what I thought too!” He squeezes Seungkwan’s hand and Seungkwan squeezes back. “I miss you,” he says suddenly, feeling braver in the dark.
“I’m right here,” Seungkwan says back. “I’m always here, Hansol-ah.”
The door swings open, casting light onto them, interrupting their moment. Hyunggu raises an eyebrow at their joined hands. “C’mon, you’re taking up the heaven room for no good reason,” he says jovially. Seungkwan sniffs a little, but strolls out, still hand-in-hand with Hansol.
The rest of the night is thankfully uneventful even though Hansol swears off partying for the rest of the semester.
To his horror, Seungkwan does end up reaching out to his older sisters the next day. “This is a favor!” Seungkwan insists, pushing the phone at a mortified Hansol. “I don’t know what girls like, I can't help you! This is a good opportunity, Sollie!”
It’s the worst experience of his life but. But. He does learn things. Sex things. Mostly Jinseol noona lecturing him while he tries not to shrivel up and die on the spot, Seungkwan watching him with wide eyes. Hansol refuses to share what Jinseol noona said with him, much to Seungkwan’s annoyance. Later in the semester, he goes home with a pretty girl in his production class, and ends the night decidedly not a virgin anymore. Testing out some of those sex things he got drilled into him. It’s weird, but he doesn’t get kicked out of bed, and he lies next to her, soaking up the endorphins.
He texts Seungkwan later, i think i owe jinseol noona money, and Seungkwan replies with an influx of laughing and eggplant emojis.
entry #23: sex is the weirdest thing the human race ever came up with. also the best, at the same time. idk how to explain. it’s like if charli and frank ocean did a song together, and serenaded my dick. yeah. crazy.
Hansol and Seungkwan spend their first college summer break apart. Hansol goes to Florida, to visit his mom and Hangyeol - who prefers to be called Sofia nowadays, and Seungkwan is in Jeju with his sisters. Seungkwan’s Instagram is full of pictures of him at the beach, trotting around in navy swim trunks, tanned legs on display. His stories are full of pictures of an older guy, Baekho, who Hansol “meets” when Seungkwan drunkenly Facetimes him to clumsily introduce them. Hansol is ninety percent sure that they’re hooking up.
For some reason, he feels very weird about it.
Seungkwan messages him about it, but in a very coy, dancing around the subject kind of way, which is infinitely frustrating with the Korea-USA time difference. Of course Hansol is glad to spend time with his mom and Sofia, and their new cat Jazz, but he does miss Seungkwan. His summer days are mostly spent learning to skateboard with Sofia, messing around with a guitar he found in his mom’s spare room, and eating all the food that he can’t get back in Korea.
Then, he meets Mark Lee.
It’s pure coincidence. Hansol, in line to get a snowcone, ears perking up at some commotion. There’s a guy standing to the side of the snowcone stand, talking in stilted Korean into his phone. “No, grandma, they don’t have ice cream. I told you I’m getting snowcones!”
“There’s an ice cream place a couple of streets down,” Hansol offers when he gets within speaking distance of him. The guy freezes, gaze swiveling to him, stunned.
“Oh dude, you speak Korean so much better than me?!” His grin is blindingly bright, and he waits for Hansol to finish paying so that he can show him where the ice cream place is. Somehow giving directions turns into walking over with him, talking in both Korean and English. Mark is from Canada, visiting his relatives, who are appalled by his terrible Korean. He’s amazed when Hansol tells him he goes to school in Seoul, and they end up spending the whole day together, Hansol taking the time to show him his usual haunts.
“If my grandma doesn’t murder me for not bringing her ice cream, wanna hang out again tomorrow?” Mark asks sheepishly, and just like that, Hansol’s summer becomes a lot less lonely. It feels kind of nice to be able to counter Seungkwan’s stories about Baekho with his own stories about his and Mark’s daily adventures; trying out shitty weed on the pier at night, Mark letting out a wheezing laugh at the violent way Hansol coughs. Sneaking into parks after closing just for the hell of it, Mark skinning his knee badly when they hop the fence.
Aside from some mild shock about the weed, Seungkwan is happy for him. I’m glad there’s someone over there to take care of my Hansollie, he sends and Hansol reads it in the morning while Seungkwan is asleep, and tries not to miss him too much.
Sofia sees it differently. “Oppa, are you having a summer romance?” she asks eagerly when he’s tying his shoes to go out with Mark again.
Hansol blinks at her. “Mark… is another dude,” he says slowly. Sofia scoffs in response, offended by his comment.
“Oh my god, it’s 2018! Bi people exist, you know!” Sometimes, it’s hard to reconcile this sassy teenager with the baby sister who used to cling to him so sweetly. “Besides, no straight person listens to Frank Ocean the way you do!” she calls out after him as he walks out the door.
It’s only Sofia ribbing at him. But still. Hansol thinks about it, a lot more than he expects to. Mark is his friend. Mark is cool. He likes talking about music with Mark, who also scribbles lyrics in notebooks like Hansol started doing this past year. Is he attracted to Mark? Or… men in general? When he thinks of a cool looking guy, he pictures Tony Leung from the Wong Kar Wai films. He looks handsome when he’s smoking a cigarette. Does that make him bisexual?
Google doesn’t have any answers for him. Only links to Reddit threads of people going through their own sexual crisis. Cool. Glad to know he’s not alone here.
One day, he and Mark take edibles, which hit them harder than any of their poorly rolled joints. They stumble back to Hansol’s mom’s place, way too high to be out in public. “Duuuude,” Mark whispers in awe once they’re in the safety of the guest room. Mark grabs his face, squishing Hansol’s cheeks together. “Duuuuude. We’re fuckin’ floatin’.”
“Floating,” Hansol agrees dazedly. He takes hold of Mark’s wrists, and leans forward to kiss him. Their mouths are both very dry, chapped lips against chapped lips. It’s different from kissing a girl but it’s still nice.
Mark blinks slowly, like a cat, before grinning at him. “Oh cool, we’re doing this?” His hands go to Hansol’s belt buckle. “I heard high blowjobs are the best.”
Mark isn’t wrong. High blowjobs are really something else.
“I guess I am having a summer romance,” Hansol tells Sofia mildly, later. She squeals loudly in his face.
Well, “romance” is probably a stretch though. Things don’t really change between him and Mark, besides the fact that now after a "jam session" they’ll also jerk each other off. Mark is still cool, and only slightly more experienced than Hansol with guys. Meaning, he’s kissed one other boy besides him. It makes Hansol feel more at ease about the whole thing. They’re learning together, and Mark doesn’t laugh when Hansol is uncertain what to do when their clothes are off. He feels like maybe he’d freak out more about hooking up with another guy if Mark wasn’t so damn chill about it.
The only time he feels nervous about it is when he thinks about telling Seungkwan. It feels too big to text about, Hansol remembering the way Seungkwan had come out to him in person, so he decides to wait until they’re both back in Seoul. Besides, it’s not as if Mark is his boyfriend. He’s just. Mark.
Starting things with Mark was easy, and so is ending them. They part on amicable terms. “Send me more lyrics you write!” Mark tells him the night before Hansol flies back home. Hansol returns to Korea, heart all aflutter at meeting up with Seungkwan, who’s been home a week longer than Hansol, eager to see him.
I wanna be the first person you greet when you’re back home, Seungkwan had sent before his flight.
technically my dad will be first, Hansol sent back. Seungkwan had threatened to block him, so. There really is no running away from him. Not that Hansol would want to, and he’s a little annoyed with how he’s acting about it. It’s Seungkwan. What is he so scared of?
It turns out, even if he’s scared, he can’t hide from Seungkwan for too long. As soon as he’s at his dad’s apartment, he texts Seungkwan, who replies that he’s en-route right away. Hansol didn’t sleep on the plane, so the jetlag gets to him, and he’s seconds away from a nap, Frankie purring contently on his stomach. He wakes with warm fingers on his cheek, and opens his eyes to Seungkwan. Seungkwan, skin golden from his time in Jeju, mouth jutted into his ever-present pout that makes Hansol think, oh, I’m really home.
“You should’ve told me you were sleepy,” Seungkwan accuses, voice gentle, fingers moving up to Hansol’s temple. Hansol sits up, dislodging Frankie, tugging Seungkwan down by the wrist to sit beside him. Seungkwan wraps his arms around his waist and he rests his chin on Seungkwan’s shoulder with a sigh.
“I have something to tell you,” he murmurs, an echo of Seungkwan all those years ago. He feels Seungkwan stiffen against him for a moment, before his hand is sliding down Hansol’s back in support.
“Tell me then.”
“I missed you, Boo,” Hansol replies, well aware he should’ve led with that first. Seungkwan’s shoulders shake with laughter. He runs his fingers through Hansol’s hair, affectionately.
“I missed you too, silly. Now tell me.”
“...I kissed Mark.”
Seungkwan immediately breaks their hug, ignoring Hansol’s whined protest, eyes round with shock. “What?!”
“I think I’m bi,” Hansol mumbles out, wishing Seungkwan would go back to hugging him. Seungkwan is silent, looking at him with no expression, and Hansol’s hands twitch from where they’re laying on Seungkwan’s sides. His heart is a kick-drum, pounding in his chest, waiting for Seungkwan to speak. He watches, with bated breath, as Seungkwan heaves out a deep sigh.
“Well,” he says at last, a wry but affectionate grin blooming on his face, “at least I don’t have to call you my straight best friend anymore.”
At once, Hansol feels lighter. He snorts. Then, childishly, he digs his fingers into Seungkwan’s arms, tickling in revenge. Seungkwan squeals in protest, shoving him off. They play-wrestle until Frankie jumps on Hansol’s back with an unhappy yowl. Seungkwan stays the night, the two of them squeezing into Hansol’s bed. They’re both bigger, he realizes, registering just how closely they’re pressed together. They used to share beds all the time, but this is the first time in a long while. He’s well aware of how much they’re grown, in this space that’s stayed the same.
“Did you fall in love?” Seungkwan asks sleepily, one leg curled around Hansol’s. His shampoo smells sweet and clean. Hansol buries his face into his hair.
“No,” Hansol answers honestly. Not yet.
He doesn’t ask Seungkwan the same question, even if he’s burning to know the answer.
entry #37: messing around with dudes is… different. good different, but different. the bisexual flag is cool. sofia got me a sticker.
Seungkwan doesn’t really date in college. According to him, he’s much too busy for a real relationship: “my schedule doesn’t allow it, Hansol-ah!” Seungkwan is a diligent student; he always has been – the type to cut a phone-call short because it’s time for his dedicated homework hour. It makes sense on paper why he decides to keep dating casual, though sometimes Hansol has a hard time reconciling with it. He watches Seungkwan leave parties with some guy he’s picked up and feels very itchy about it. Maybe it’s because he knows that behind his practical lists and schedules, Seungkwan is actually a romantic. He likes watching his dramas too much not to be. Seeing Seungkwan be a one-night-stand kind of guy isn't right.
Hansol stays silent because he doesn’t have a right to say anything. Especially since he’s pretty much the same, indulging in very casual no-strings-attached kind of affairs. Except, he doesn’t have the same reasoning as Seungkwan. It’s not about focusing on his studies. He’s barely scraping by this semester. His classes interest him, but they become annoying because he wants to learn about making music, instead of hearing lectures about theory. This year is a lot more overwhelming than the last, the weight of his coursework staggering. He could tackle it head-on, like Seungkwan, but instead he finds comfort in his distractions instead. Exchanging lyrics with Mark at three in the morning, or skipping his afternoon classes to visit the studio his new friend Seungyoun works at.
And well. Partying with Hyunggu again. Hansol hasn’t suddenly become a party person in the span of the year, but alcohol does help combat the perpetual anxiety he feels over his school life.
It’s at one of these parties that he meets Nancy for the first time. He’s lost Hyunggu, his friend yelling something about finding the love of his life before disappearing into the crowd. Now he’s in the middle of a group of strangers, all of them asking about his “American upbringing.” All of them laugh when he says that he grew up here. Hansol isn’t drunk enough for this.
“Don’t be rude,” a new voice says, elbowing a dude who’s comparing him to some Riverdale actor he’s never heard of. Hansol turns his head and oh. This new girl, clearly hapa like him, gives him a wry, commiserating smile over her seltzer. “What part did you grow up in?”
Hansol feels a little warm. It’s not from the alcohol. “Hongdae.”
“I was born in Daegu,” she offers, sliding to his side. People seem to take the hint, and leave the two of them alone. “But I actually grew up in Ohio.” And when Hansol says that it’s the opposite for him – born in New York, raised in Korea – she smiles, clearly charmed. “Oh, but New York is so cool! Do you go often?”
They talk for the rest of the night, drinking seltzers, and it seems pretty inevitable for her to invite him back to her dorm room, Hansol fucking her on the tiny dorm bed with his hand clamped over her mouth so that she doesn’t make too much noise. She lets him stay the night, even though it’s truly too cramped to sleep, and in the morning she sleepily types her contact info into his phone. “We can go to the next party together,” she says, pretty even with her hair all messed up.
It happens two, three, four more times before Hyunggu asks if he’s dating the hot freshman when they're getting dinner with Seungkwan and Moonbin. “Too pretty for you, Hansol,” Hyunggu sighs when Hansol only responds with a frozen, deer-in-headlights expression.
Seungkwan scoffs. "Nobody is too pretty for my Hansollie. Look at how handsome he is!" Seungkwan gestures to his face, ignoring Hansol's embarrassed expression. "Look at his jawline!"
Hyunggu rolls his eyes. “Anyways. Nancy is smart too - did you know she’s double-majoring?”
Hansol didn’t know this, but Nancy is sure to tell him once she officially becomes his girlfriend. “Put me in your Instagram bio,” she tells him, stern even with her smile. “That’s how you know it’s official.” His earlier experiences with girls sort of pale in comparison to this. Nancy is much more committed to the whole relationship bit than Chaeyoung ever was. He says this once to Jamie who immediately makes a face. “Don’t ever say that to her,” she scolds.
Nancy really is a very dedicated girlfriend. She plans all of their dates, texts him regularly, and though Hansol is being a shitty student, most of the structure of his daily life comes from her.
She and Seungkwan hit it off when they meet for the first time, which is an immense relief. “Sollie's handsome now, but do you want to see pictures from middle school?” Seungkwan asks with glee. Hansol rolls his eyes while Nancy demands for Seungkwan to Airdrop all the embarrassing pictures he owns.
“It was good to finally meet the mysterious Seungkwan,” Nancy tells him later when they’re in bed. Hansol is still a little buzzed. Seungkwan had stuck around with them longer than usual, not engaging in his usual agenda of finding a man for the night. This cheered Hansol considerably, and they’d all drunk more than usual, Nancy finally dragging him away.
“Whaddya mean, mysterious,” he mumbles.
“You know, you’re always texting him but I don’t know a lot about him. It’s important to me to meet your important people, oppa.” Then her smile turns sly, as she climbs to straddle him. “Can I call you Sollie now?”
Hansol feels a little itchy, at the thought of her calling him that. That's Seungkwan's name for him. It’s a little childish, maybe, but it’s how he feels. He wouldn't like it very much if Seungkwan's boyfriend called him 'Boo.' “Oppa is fine,” he huffs, and flips her around to show her just how fine it is.
The school year ends, with his social life thriving but his academic life left in shambles in several emails titled, ‘ACADEMIC PROBATION.’ Floundering, Hansol forwards the emails to his dad, and waits anxiously for a confrontation, a lecture, anything to get him out of this rut.
It’s a surprise when his dad comes to him with gentle concern. “Hey,” he says, putting his hand on Hansol’s shoulder. “Your mom and I met at college. I had really good times there. But Hansol, that’s not the only way to do things.”
Hansol gnaws at his bottom lip. “You’re telling me to quit?”
His dad hums, thoughtfully. Hansol forgets sometimes that his dad has never been the type to scold. He’s always sat him down, and talked things through. Especially after his mom left. “No. I’m telling you, that it’s alright if this doesn’t make you happy.” At Hansol’s blank stare, he elaborates. “Hansol, I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about school all year. You mostly talk about that studio, and Seungkwan if I’m being honest.”
Hansol sighs. It feels like this sigh has been trapped in his chest for a while, full of disquiet and unease. “I’ve been skipping a lot of classes,” he says. The words are there, ready on his tongue, and Hansol lets them free. “I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”
His dad only squeezes his shoulder comfortingly.
Hansol gets the same sentiment from his mom. “You’re my son,” she tells him over the phone, and Hansol feels his eyes sting with tears. All this pride, and what has he done to deserve it. “I know you’ll figure out what you want to do.”
Telling everyone else he’s dropped out is a lot harder. Especially when Seungkwan excitedly comes to him about moving into a shared house together with some of Seungkwan’s classmates. “I know Hyunggu is going to ask you too, but I call dibs!” Seungkwan declares over dinner. Hansol is trying to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth, body full of tension.
“No,” he manages to say, even if his chest collapses at the open hurt on Seungkwan’s face. “Seungkwan it’s – you don’t have to include me, really.”
Seungkwan blinks. “Not include you?” he echoes with some confusion. “Hansol-ah, what do you mean? You don’t want to live with me?”
Ah well. Here goes everything. “I’m not coming back,” he says slowly, the truth a struggle to get out. It’s been official for two weeks now but still. He doesn’t want to watch Seungkwan’s face as he says it, but finds that he can’t look away. “It’s just… I already submitted the paperwork and everything. It’s official.”
Seungkwan is quiet for a moment. It can’t be more than thirty seconds, but it feels like eternity, Hansol’s heart caught in his throat.
“Oh, Hansol,” Seungkwan finally sighs out. His face is soft with concern. “Is this why you’ve been so stressed this summer?”
Hansol can’t do anything but nod, eyes burning suspiciously. Don’t cry, he thinks hard. Don’t cry in front of Seungkwan, don’t do that. Seungkwan gets out of his seat, coming over to Hansol. Hansol immediately buries his face in Seungkwan’s stomach, sniffling. “Sorry,” he mutters, voice muffled. Seungkwan clicks his tongue, squeezing him tight.
“Hansol-ah, you don't have to apologize. You can tell me anything, you know that? I wish you had told me before.” Seungkwan sounds kind of wistful, holding him gently. “I would’ve helped you.”
Hansol moves enough so that he can look up at Seungkwan, mouth quirking uncertainly. “You still can,” he says. “Help me figure out how to tell everyone?”
Seungkwan drafts about a dozen different text messages before they finally decide on the one that works best.
Nancy doesn’t take it as well as Seungkwan does.
She catches him by surprise when she comes to his dad’s apartment. She bursts through the door, pushing past him, a crackling thunderstorm. “When were you going to tell me you dropped out?” she demands, voice booming. Her eyes look red, like she’s been crying. “You can’t – you can’t just do that! Without telling me!”
Hansol frowns, guilt warring with exasperation. Nancy has been overwhelming this summer, talking a lot about school events and things she wants them to do. As a result, Hansol definitely withdrew a little from her, not able to burst her bubble by telling her he wasn’t coming back. “I was going to tell you,” he says, leading her to the table. He did tell her, everyone knows now. Frankie is hiding under the couch, scared from the loud noise. Hansol hopes she quiets down.
“After the fact?!” Nancy snaps back. “Something like this – you talk about it, oppa! It’s a big deal!”
Hansol nods. “I know. Hey, I know. It’s a big deal. I talked to my parents, and Seungkwan – “
“Seungkwan knew before me?!” Nancy screeches. “How - what - I’m your girlfriend!”
Hansol rears back, surprised by her vitriol. “Nancy. Calm down - “
“Oh, don’t you dare tell me to calm down, Chwe Hansol!”
She doesn’t calm down. She screams some more, and then breaks down into tears. Hansol finds tissues for her, rubbing her back, still bewildered by her reaction. When he texts Seungkwan about it later, he gets a bit of an earful about it.
“Of course she’s upset! I thought you told her already, Hansol-ah! You’re supposed to share things in relationships.”
Oops. Hyunggu makes a ‘Bad Boyfriend’ sign and makes him wear it while he’s crashing on his and Wooseok’s couch, looking for work and a place to live. Nancy ignores him for most of the summer, but Hansol is too busy dealing with the new chaos in his life to feel too badly about that.
He ends the summer in a new apartment, with a new roommate, a new job at a music store, and newly single. He does, however, feel considerably lighter.
entry #45: if you’re gonna make a life-changing decision, your girlfriend is probably gonna wanna hear about it. even if it has nothing to do with her. who knew?
Hansol is in the middle of melting into his couch when Hyunggu texts him. party 2nite @ wooseok’s come thru. that wasnt a question btw, you’re coming.
He grimaces at Hyunggu’s text. A party… nah. He doesn’t feel like it. Hansol's planning for today to be an extremely lazy Saturday night, the kind where he lounges around in nothing but boxers and dinner is ice cream and shrimp chips. He’d spent all of yesterday working on some beats that he sent over to Jihoon, who promised to follow up with him next week. With that nervous excitement dancing around in his belly, a party really doesn’t sound like a lot of fun.
His refusal is a gentle, nah u guys have fun tho. He laughs at Hyunggu’s annoyed, motherfucker >:(
Hyunggu keeps sending keyboard smash but Hansol ignores him. It’s whatever, Hyunggu will get over it. He’s about to put his phone face-down so he can put on a movie and disassociate for the next two hours, when Hyunggu sends a message into the group chat they have with Seungyoun, Nathan and Jamie.
hansols not coming out!!!
Hansol heaves a deep sigh as his phone vibrates with his friends’ unhappy reactions. lol have fun without me, he sends, planning on turning off his phone and ignoring them for the rest of the night. It’s Jamie’s comments that have him pausing.
Seungkwan’s gonna be there tho. So you’ve gotta come!
He squints at his phone, rereading the text. No, that can’t be right. She’s lying. Seungkwan is too busy to go to parties right now. Hansol knows this for a fact - Seungkwan’s been too busy for him even, a fact that makes Hansol sulk but he knows that Seungkwan takes exam season very seriously. Don’t lie, he texts back, Seungkwan’s busy with midterms.
All he gets in response is a simple “bet!!” which has him frowning and pulling Seungkwan’s contact on his phone. Seungkwan answers quickly when he calls, greeting him with a cheerful shout of his name.
“Hey,” Hansol says, his frown vanishing, smoke in the air. It’s hard to do anything but smile whenever Seungkwan is near, even if it’s only over the phone. “I heard a rumor.”
Seungkwan’s laughter rings in his ear. “Oh? Do tell.”
“Wooseok’s having a party today, and apparently you’re going?”
“I am!” Seungkwan sounds very excited. “I had my last midterm today, so I’m freeeeee! Are you going to be there Sollie?”
Well, if Seungkwan’s going, Hansol guesses he has to. “I guess,” he says mulishly. “Why didn’t you tell me you were done?”
“Chwe Hansol,” Seungkwan teases. “Are you feeling lonely?”
Yes, Hansol thinks but only responds with a placid hum.
“Oh Hansol-ah, don’t be upset.” Seungkwan’s voice drops to something cajoling. “I really wasn’t going to do anything today but Wooseok told Ungjae who told me literally right after our exam. I didn’t plan on going but everyone is going and Eunbi just - “
“Seungkwan-ah,” Hansol cuts right through his rambling. “Don’t - I’m not upset.” And it’s true, he’s not. Why would he be, when he’s going to see Seungkwan in a few hours? “Can I come over then?”
“Yes!” Hansol laughs at Seungkwan’s enthusiasm. “I haven’t seen you in forever, come over and bring me coffee!”
Knowing Seungkwan, especially if he had an exam today, he probably already had too much coffee today. Hansol absolutely won’t but if he showers now he probably has enough time to go to the bakery Seungkwan likes so much… Drinking on an empty stomach isn’t good and if the rest of Seungkwan’s friends are coming out, he’s probably too busy entertaining to eat properly. Plus Seungkwan’s been hooked on a frustrating dieting fad lately so the urge to feed him is stronger than usual.
“See you soon,” he says, and once he’s hung up, he smiles at the dozen heart emojis Seungkwan’s sent in response.
It doesn’t take much to get ready: he takes a quick shower to scrub the gross of the day away and change into something casual. All black, even though he knows Hyunggu is gonna make fun of him for it. He tugs a beanie over his still wet hair, and scribbles a note for Junhui, his roommate, to let him know he’s going out for the night. He makes sure there’s enough food and water for Meimei, Junhui’s ragdoll baby, and checks his phone as he walks out the door. Yeah, he’s got time for the bakery.
“That’s not fair,” Eunbi says as soon as she opens the door to Seungkwan and Ungjae’s place. Hansol tilts his head in confusion, and she gestures to the paper bag he’s holding with an annoyed expression. “I bet you only brought a treat for Seungkwan, huh?”
Hansol blinks, unsure what to say to her. Her red-lipstick mouth thins into an unimpressed line. Eunbi has always been the scariest of Seungkwan’s college friends, Hansol never knows how to talk to her. He’s quickly saved by Seungkwan, who practically pushes her to the side to jump at Hansol, clinging to his shoulders. “Hansollie!” he shouts excitedly. Hansol wraps an arm around his waist to steady him. “You’re here!”
“I’m here,” he agrees. “Did you pregame already?” He looks inside, where Ungjae is standing with Yewon, Moonbin and a couple of others Hansol doesn’t recognize, everyone holding a plastic shot glass with several soju bottles on the table. Yewon waves at him with her usual gentle smile while Ungjae raises his eyebrows at him, pouring one out for him. Seungkwan doesn’t let go of him so he has to waddle over to the table, accepting the shot with some resignation. Soju can be so dangerous.
“Oh!” Seungkwan says with delight, finally noticing the bag. “You got me something!”
Hansol shrugs, passing it over to Seungkwan, who gently touches his face in thanks. Seeing Eunbi’s frown, Seungkwan splits the melon bread Hansol had gotten him with her and Yewon. Hansol tries not to be bothered by it, even though he brought it specifically for Seungkwan. “I’m not getting that drunk,” he says, politely declining the second shot Ungjae hands him.
Ungjae makes a face. “It’s Wooseok’s,” he says, as if it’s enough explanation. “You won’t be able to escape it.”
“Don’t be mean to my Sollie, Ungjae,” Seungkwan scolds, grabbing the shot. “I’ll take it instead.”
Hansol is quick to grab it back. Seungkwan’s alcohol tolerance is even worse than his and Hansol won’t doom him early by giving him his shots. “I just won’t drink there,” he assures, despite the way the rest of them laugh at him.
Seungkwan clings to his arm on the entire way to Wooseok’s, and Hansol can feel the effect of the soju, warming him from his cheeks down to his toes.
“You’re a sucker,” is what Hyunggu says to him when Hansol sees him. He’s already flushed with alcohol and Hansol rolls his eyes but accepts his hug. Seungkwan gives him a quick greeting, already turning away to yell for Wooseok. Hyunggu smirks at him, waggling his eyebrows. “Ready to get fucked up?”
“I’m not getting that drunk,” Hansol insists.
Two hours later, the room is spinning. Between Hyunggu and his friends and Seungkwan’s group, Hansol has lost track of the number of shots he’s taken. He’s resting against the wall, tapping his foot to the beat of the song blaring from the speakers. There are so many people here. Hansol had forgotten, between his endless part-time shifts and hours working on music, how college partying felt like. Red plastic cups paired with the cheap taste of alcohol. Sweaty bodies pressed together with vague recognition. This isn’t his world anymore. Hansol has known this for a while, has readily accepted it as well, but the realization hits differently now.
Seungkwan appears in front of him before he can delve too deep into melancholy, cheeks flushed from dancing. “Hansol-ah, come dance with us,” he yells over the song to be heard. Hansol allows Seungkwan to tug him away, joining the group, who aren’t really dancing as much as making strange motions at each other. Ungjae wiggles his arms, like a drunken octopus, and Hansol copies him.
Eunbi snorts at him even as she records them. Moonbin joins in, and their group slowly moves out of the epicenter of the dancing since they’re mostly wriggling around and talking by then. At one point, Hyunggu and Wooseok join them with shots, and Hansol feels too warm to be uncomfortable now, resting his chin on Seungkwan’s shoulder and half-listening to a story Moonbin’s telling. His arms are looped loosely around Seungkwan’s waist, Seungkwan’s hands resting over his. He’s mostly focused on tracing random figures against Seungkwan’s belly, so he doesn’t really pay attention when Ungjae makes a face. “Why is that chick glaring at us?”
Eunbi turns to where Ungjae’s looking over. “Chwe Hansol,” she calls. Hansol looks up blearily at the sound of his name. “Isn’t that your girlfriend?”
Girlfriend… Girlfriend? Hansol blinks, incredulous. “What? No. What?” He turns his head, but he can’t see who Eunbi’s talking about. Everyone’s blurring together in the crowd.
Seungkwan’s head whips around too. “Girlfriend?” he demands. “Chwe Hansol, you got a girlfriend and you didn’t tell me?”
“No!” Hansol’s voice definitely goes up a few octaves in distress. He’s been single for over a year, back to casual ever since the disaster with Nancy. He’s definitely not ready to have another girlfriend. “Kwannie, I don’t - I seriously don’t!”
Ungjae frowns. “She sure is looking at you bro…”
Hansol sees her now. That’s… shit, he knows her. Hyewon, that’s her name. She’s a regular at his store, usually buying random CDs. She’d flirted with him awkwardly, and he’d flirted back. Enough of these encounters resulted in the two of them hooking up a few times. Figures that she goes to Hanyang too. Enough students frequent the music store he works at, and she’s a regular. Their hooking up shouldn’t be a big deal, especially considering Hansol is also hooking up with Lee Chan, his coworker. She’s definitely, one hundred percent, not his girlfriend.
They make eye contact. Hyewon’s glaring, furious, and Hansol quickly looks away. “Okay, I know her,” he admits sheepishly to the group. “But she’s not - she’s not my girlfriend. She’s just. You know.”
Eunbi looks very unamused. “Really,” she drawls. “Because I’m pretty sure she posted you on her Instagram. That’s girlfriend behavior, Chwe Hansol.”
Hansol’s head spins. “Huh?”
Eunbi maintains that same expression as she pulls up the post on her phone, shoving it in Hansol’s face. Hansol feels his entire brain freeze over as he looks over it. That’s definitely a picture of him, digging into the stew they’d gotten last week, right after Hansol had fucked her at her place. “Oh,” he says faintly. He clings to Seungkwan tighter, who pats his hand in response.
Moonbin grabs Eunbi’s phone and soon most of them are gathered to look between the post, a nervous Hansol, and Hyewon glaring at them in the distance. “Oh dude,” Moonbin finally says, shaking his head with pity and amusement. “How did this happen to you?”
“I know her,” Wooseok says, squinting a little. “She’s in my audio tech class. she’s definitely said she had a boyfriend because Juyeon tried asking her out last week.”
Seungkwan gasps. “Oh no, Juyeonie!”
Hansol groans, hiding his face in Seungkwan’s shoulder. How did this happen to him?
“She’s very pretty,” Yewon offers diplomatically, as if that’s going to make Hansol feel any better.
“God, he’s so hopeless,” Hyunggu sighs. “Born with a face like that, but absolutely zero sense.”
"Don't insult his face," Seungkwan says, reaching back to pat Hansol's hair now, sensing his distress. "It's my favorite."
Hansol's face grows hot. “Can I go now?” he whines, Seungkwan laughing at him.
Ungjae nods sagely. “Running away, always a good tactic.” Eunbi punches him in the shoulder for that.
Moonbin’s face twitches. “Um, better run now because she’s coming here.”
What? Hansol has no idea how they all move so fast, considering how much alcohol is in all of their systems, but the rest of them scatter as soon as he feels someone tap his shoulder. Oh man. He really should let go of Seungkwan and face her properly, but he refuses to do so, turning his head slightly. “Hey,” he croaks out. “Fancy… seeing you here.”
Seungkwan snorts, quickly coughing to cover it up. Poor Hyewon looks torn between anger and despair, eyes flicking from Seungkwan to Hansol in rapid succession. “Really?” is all she settles on, crossing her arms. “You ignore me for a week, and now… this?” She gestures to Seungkwan rudely, and Hansol tightens his grip on him, overprotective. “I didn’t even know you liked guys!”
“I’m bi,” Hansol says, annoyed.
Hyewon’s face twitches a little. “Okay, but with him?! ” Hansol instantly feels insulted on Seungkwan’s behalf. Screw her, Seungkwan is pretty! He finally untangles from Seungkwan, pushing the other boy behind him so that he doesn’t have to deal with any further passive aggression.
“I worked on music all week,” he says, “so I ignored everyone.” There’s probably a more delicate way to approach this, but Hansol’s drunk, so his usual straight-forward honesty is conflated to rude bluntness. Plus, she’s being mean to Seungkwan, and Hansol won’t stand for that. “Sorry if you misunderstood our relationship.” Her face falls, and Hansol feels bad for a second. But, his desire to get out of this situation outweighs any sympathy he might feel. “Good luck with school. Bye,” he finishes awkwardly, turning and grabbing Seungkwan’s arm so they can escape together.
Seungkwan is wheezing with laughter as Hansol pulls him through the crowd, face burning furiously. “Oh Hansol. Oh Hansollie, that was so awkward - “
It’s a testament to how drunk Seungkwan is too, because Hansol is sure under any other circumstance he would get scolded for treating a girl like that. Even if she sort of deserved it. “Seungkwan, don’t laugh,” he groans, collapsing onto the first free seat he finds. Seungkwan tumbles after him, still giggling as he settles into Hansol’s lap. Hansol pouts at him when Seungkwan grabs hold of his face, squishing his cheeks playfully.
“Hansollie,” Seungkwan sing-songs. “Our silly, silly Sollie. How do you have the worst luck with girls?”
“Don’t tell Sof,” Hansol begs, though his voice comes out muffled from the way Seungkwan is kneading his face. Seungkwan snickers at the mention of Hansol’s sister, leaning in to rub his nose against Hansol’s.
“I’m not that mean,” he murmurs. Hansol hums, resting his forehead against Seungkwan’s. It’s brighter here in the kitchen, and from this close he can see how Seungkwan’s eye makeup has smudged a little. He reaches up to brush at the clump of mascara at the bottom of his lid, and Seungkwan closes his eyes, letting him do so.
“You know who’s mean?” Hansol says, checking Seungkwan over for any other smudges. Seungkwan has such pretty skin, Hansol kinda wants to press his fingers into his cheeks but knows that he shouldn’t. Instead, he lightly traces his fingers over the distinct moles next to Seungkwan's ear. “Our friends. Did you see how quick they ditched us?”
Seungkwan laughs softly. “Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ungjae run so fast.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen him run, ever.”
“Traitors.” Seungkwan’s hand moves from Hansol’s cheek to caress his ear, gently rubbing. “What should we do to punish them?”
“Ditch them back,” Hansol answers immediately. “Kwannie, let’s leave. Come home with me. I missed you.” He’s well aware that he’s whining at this point, but he doesn’t care. He’s drunk, had to deal with a girlfriend he didn’t even realize he had, and he’s had to share Seungkwan with other people all night.
Seungkwan’s eyes crinkle with his smile. “Jun hyung won’t mind?” he asks even as he’s leaning closer to Hansol. Seungkwan won’t say no. Hansol knows him too well for that. Plus Junhui loves Seungkwan; he always leaves them extra food when he cooks. It’ll be fine.
Hansol shakes his head and Seungkwan climbs off him. “Okay,” he says. “But only if you buy me mandoo. I’m hungry.”
Seungkwan says this as if it’ll annoy Hansol to buy him food this late at night. When in reality, Hansol can’t think of anything else he would rather do. He takes Seungkwan by the hand and they leave together. Just the two of them, the way Hansol prefers.
entry #57: if you hook up with someone, then buy food for them afterwards. they might think you’re dating. even if you’re pretty sure you’re not. just an fyi.
Seungkwan graduates with high honors, huge fanfare, and a cushy job at an entertainment company to sweeten the deal. It’s focused on variety management, because Seungkwan had caught the eye of people in the industry when he did his senior internship, and Hansol would be more proud if he didn’t know that Seungkwan was settling for it. But he does know, and it sparks the first real fight they’ve ever had.
“I don’t get it,” Hansol says, exasperated with Seungkwan’s excuses. “You want to sing. You’ve got the best voice I've ever heard - why work here? You could do so many other things.” A vocal trainer, at least! It’s a waste if Boo Seungkwan isn’t singing.
“You think I don’t want to?” Seungkwan snaps. They’ve been at it for a while, both of them tired and irritated with each other. “In a perfect world, I would only make music. But the world isn’t perfect, Hansol! I have to make money, I need to help my mom - “ His face crumples here. “I’ve always supported you in your choices. Can’t you support mine?”
Hansol staggers at the wave of shame that crashes over him. Remorse clutches his heart in a vice grip and he drops it altogether. He knows that Seungkwan’s worked hard, and he doesn’t want to trivialize that. Hansol only wants what’s best for him but maybe he isn’t helping with his comments. He’s overstepped, which rarely happens. He won’t do it again.
He makes a promise with himself to be nothing but supportive at Seungkwan’s graduation party. Won’t even say a word if Seungkwan decides he’s too nervous to eat anything. Only, that’s when Seungkwan introduces him to his boyfriend. Boyfriend, with a capital B. A real one, not one of Seungkwan’s casual little flings, who gifts Seungkwan the most ridiculous display of flowers Hansol has ever seen, Seungkwan swoons, until he notices Hansol sneezing up a storm, and quickly waves them away.
There’s nothing wrong with Oh Sanguk. He’s perfectly fine. He’s tall, muscular, older than both of them, and a goddamn Olympic fencer. Seungkwan met him at a local badminton club, because of course he did. He’s very busy, so he doesn't attend their group outings, even though Seungkwan will shyly tell stories about their dates when Eunbi and Yewon wheedle him enough. But mostly, Seungkwan is very, very private about it.
“He’s not completely out,” Seungkwan confides in Hansol later. “Some of his family know… but his teammates, his coaches, they don’t. So.” He shrugs, as if it can’t be helped.
The ire Hansol feels is fueled by his love for Seungkwan. He keeps it quiet because he’s already learned his lesson about overstepping, but it still pulsates through him, righteously scalding. How unfair, for Seungkwan to be so full of love, to have to hide it like this. He doesn’t even really post on Instagram about, which is so unlike him that Hansol kind of wants to yell about it. But no one else seems to share his sentiment, so he just quietly seethes. It’s not very fair or kind of him - it’s a weird and messy thing to come out, and everyone’s journeys are different. If Sanguk’s still in the closet, that’s fine. As a reasonable person, Hansol understands.
As Seungkwan’s best friend, he thinks he deserves better.
“Only you would think Seungkwan deserves better than an Olympic fencer,” Hyunggu groans out the one time Hansol decides to voice his opinion. “You’re just butthurt that Seungkwan’s done with school but still too busy for you.”
Hansol doesn’t sulk. Seungkwan’s busy; they’re all busy. Hansol’s busy too. All those months sucking Chan’s dick paid off. He makes a demo mixtape with Jihoon, proper tracks and everything, and apparently Chan’s on and off boyfriend Choi Seungcheol works as a junior producer at an entertainment company. Chan showed him Hansol’s mixtape, and two weeks later Hansol has a new job, is going by Vernon, and life has never been so crazy or exciting. Technically, he shouldn’t even have the mental capacity to think about Seungkwan’s relationship.
But he does.
Sanguk is nice - Hansol gets a discount at this really fancy gym because of him and apparently even Seungkwan’s sisters, notoriously picky over everything, approve of him. Seungkwan seems happy, but Hansol still feels strange about it.
At the very least, Seungkwan listens to the tracks Hansol works on, always his number one fan. “You get to do all the exciting stuff,” Seungkwan whines, high-pitched with excitement over Hansol getting to work on a rookie girl group’s debut album. “I see artists all the time, but it’s all politics Hansollie, you’d hate it.”
Hansol would. But Seungkwan’s good with people, so he’s good at his job. Hansol is proud of him, every day. The days fly by like that, weekly phone calls to update each other, monthly dinners with the rest of their friends, and Hansol sending thumbs up emojis to the pictures Seungkwan sends of his and Sanguk’s weekend getaways. It’s routine, as chaotic as it is.
Then Hansol meets Bae Sungyeon. She comes in as a late unexpected addition to the team working on the rookie album, introducing herself as Shannon. Seungcheol tells them she used to be in a girl group, so her expertise will be greatly appreciated. She takes one look at Hansol’s lyrics, calls them “derivative,” then listens to the beats he’s arranged, and says he’s a genius. Hansol doesn’t know whether to be insulted or flattered.
“You like her,” Seungkwan says delightedly over the phone when Hansol recounts the interaction later. “Ask her out on a date!” Seungkwan gasps excitedly, and Hansol can picture him wriggling in his chair with glee. “Oh Sollie, if you get a girlfriend, you could come on a double date with me and hyung!”
Hansol doesn’t know about that. Shannon is bubbly, sweet, and scarily good at her job. Hansol sort of feels like a worm compared to her. But despite her initial criticism, it’s actually really easy to work with her, and when he shows her the Charli songs that he’s been inspired by in his production, she’s delighted.
“I like your taste,” she tells him cheerfully. “You should send me more songs.”
I’m in trouble, Hansol thinks wildly.
The human heart is so fascinating. Hansol had thought he knew what it was like to feel affection, desire, and wonder for another person. Being with Shannon is different from anything else he’s ever experienced. The world feels like a brighter, more magical place.
“Look at you, all cute and falling in love for the first time,” Seungkwan sighs at him. Hansol doesn’t feel right at calling it the first time. But it’s real and it’s his and it’s different so he doesn’t argue with Seungkwan. There are stars in his eyes, and Shannon put them there.
entry #69: love… is so lit.
Hansol’s been with Shannon for nearly a year, and Seungkwan with Sanguk longer than that, when they finally go on that double-date. Sanguk gets them dinner reservations somewhere fancy, and Hansol is very put out when Shannon deems all the outfits he presents to her as inappropriate.
“C’mon Vernon,” she sighs, crossing her arms. She looks very pretty in her expensive, form-fitting jumpsuit, black with glittery details. “Where are your fancy clothes?”
“Rappers don’t need fancy clothes,” he grumbles, but lets her go through his closet. He even lets her smooth his hair with gel, sighing when she excitedly takes pictures.
“You have such good eyebrows,” she complains. “This is unfair. It’s your American genes.”
“Americans aren’t well known for their eyebrows, babe.”
Seungkwan is very pleased by how they’ve dressed up, though, so Hansol supposes that it’s worth it. Sanguk greets them politely, handshakes for both of them. Seungkwan, despite his own nice clothes, gives them both big hugs. “Your jumpsuit is so chic,” he compliments Shannon as they walk to their table. “Did you dress our Vernonie? He’s never this fashionable on his own.”
“Ha ha,” Hansol replies. He pulls out Seungkwan’s chair, without thinking, then quickly does the same for Shannon. Shannon quirks an eyebrow at him.
“Okay, manners,” she says with a smile, tugging him down to sit next to her.
That’s the last good thing of the night. Everything goes downhill fast when they order appetizers, tiny flavorful scallops, and Seungkwan doesn’t eat any of them. Hansol watches him sip his wine with a frown. For the main course, each of them is eating some sort of seafood except Seungkwan, who’s ordered a salad.
“Seungkwan-ah,” Hansol says when the waiter leaves. “Is that really all you’re eating?”
Shannon nudges his leg under the table but Hansol keeps his gaze straight forward at Seungkwan. Seungkwan, who’s staring down at his wine glass. “It’s just a little diet,” he finally says, and Sanguk puts his hand over Seungkwan’s, as if showing support. Hansol has the wild urge to throw his plate in his face.
“We’re all out for dinner,” Shannon hedges carefully. “It’s a lovely place, you can splurge a little, Seungkwan oppa.”
Seungkwan smiles at her, a plastic mockery of his usual smile. “Thank you Sungyeonie, but I’ll be fine. Their salads are delicious, I promise.”
Hansol’s still looking at him. “You don’t have to diet,” he says bluntly. Shannon steps on his foot in warning. Seungkwan’s mouth drops open, as if he wants to say something, but no words come out. They stare at each other, the air between them prickling with unusual tension.
Hansol can guess where this is coming from. Two years ago, when he graduated, Seungkwan was the skinniest he’d ever been as a result of stress and sleep-deprivation. As a working adult, he’s gained weight, which is normal. His cheeks are filling out again. Hansol loves his cheeks. They’re character defining. He doesn’t understand why Seungkwan is trying to get rid of them again.
Sanguk clears his throat, looking uncomfortably. “He’s fine.” He addresses this towards Hansol, his hand still on top of Seungkwan’s. There’s an angry thing in Hansol’s chest, with claws and teeth, wanting to roar at the older man, but Shannon pinches his thigh hard, and Hansol lets it go.
Dinner is a very quiet, tense affair.
“You don’t like him, do you,” Shannon points out on the drive home. “Sanguk oppa.”
Hansol slowly exhales through his mouth. “He’s fine,” he says shortly, avoiding eye contact with her. How is he supposed to explain to her about Seungkwan’s weird complex with his body, how Seungkwan can get so bad with his dieting that it scares Hansol? How is he supposed to dissect the anger at Sanguk, who’s supposed to take care of Seungkwan and love him, for indulging in that kind of behavior? He's Seungkwan's boyfriend, he should know fucking better. Hansol doesn’t know how to explain, so he doesn’t bother trying. The anger though, it’s still there. Hansol takes a few steadying breaths until it retreats deep into him, sinking into his blood. Still present, but hidden.
Shannon takes his hand, rubbing over his knuckles in an attempt to soothe him. “Liar,” she says quietly. She's right. Hansol doesn't like Sanguk and he's not going to forgive him for this.
Needless to say, they don’t go on another double date again.
entry #76: i don’t care what anyone else says. double dates suck.
Twenty-five is a wild year for him. Firstly, he’s given the reins to produce the title track for a moderately successful boy group. No one could predict how it blows up. Hansol is stunned by the way “VERNON” trends on Twitter with the group name. When Seungkwan posts about it, it gets thousands of likes.
Suddenly Hansol is busier than he’s ever been. Seungcheol almost passes out when Hansol shows him the email from Kim “RM” Namjoon asking if he wants to feature on a song. It’s not the first time Hansol has featured on an album but this is official. Jihoon works him like a slavedriver, making him re-record his tracks on Soundcloud so that the higher resolution files can be put on Spotify and Apple Music.
As exhausting as the work is, his music flourishes beyond anything he thought he’d ever reach. On the days he’s able to free up his schedule enough to video-call his mom, she always goes so teary with how proud she is of him. Sofia, busy in college, always messages him whenever she finds out one of her classmates has listened to a song of his. He gets his own office at the studio; he moves out of his shitty shoebox apartment into something nicer. It’s insane.
“I’m gonna foster kittens,” he mumbles into Shannon’s hair after they’re done christening all the possible places to have sex in his new place.
She laughs at him. “You don’t have time for that, Vernonie.”
Shannon's right. He has to resort to watching cat compilations on Youtube. That's the only downside to his thriving career; how he barely has time to see his friends, unless it’s work related. Hyunggu actually drops by the studio, saying that he wants to lend his voice for guides, but forces Hansol out to eat instead. He texts Seungkwan as regularly as he can, but weeks pass by before he realizes that he can’t remember the last time he saw his best friend in person. “I miss you” is sent between them, more often than not. Hansol wonders if this is just a natural pain of adulthood, constantly longing for the carefree days of their youth. When he got to see Seungkwan every day, instead of having to plan a meetup months in advance.
“Do you ever wish we could go back,” Hansol asks Seungkwan once at four in the morning, sleep-deprived and running on three cans of Red Bull. It’s going to be another night spent sleeping at the studio, Hansol stumped by the bridge of this song. Shannon’s going to kill him for staying this late when he promised he wouldn’t. So he calls Seungkwan, because Seungkwan always picks up for him.
“You’re doing so well,” Seungkwan tells him. His voice is rough with sleep but he sounds certain. Certain of Hansol, who sometimes can’t believe in himself when he gets like this. “You’re working really hard, and I’m really proud of you.”
Seungkwan has always been good at words. He always tells Hansol exactly what he needs to hear. I miss you, Hansol thinks. “Thanks, Boo,” he says, choked up. Then, he works through his song while Seungkwan falls asleep on the line.
Two days later, Seungkwan messages him in the middle of work: Do you have time to look at something for me?
Hansol doesn’t really, but he’ll make time for Seungkwan. what is it?
A track. Hansol’s surprised. Seungkwan’s work is more about variety and sponsorships for idols, rather than the music side of it. Maybe it's from an idol Seungkwan knows personally and he wants Hansol's input? Hansol tells him to email it and minutes later it’s there. “Be gentle,” is what Seungkwan’s written in the body of the email.
Confused, Hansol opens it up, and puts his headphones on.
It takes a second for Hansol to realize that it’s Seungkwan singing. And when he does, tears sting his eyes, emotion swelling from deep inside him. How long has it been since he’s heard Seungkwan’s voice like this? How long has it been since he heard Seungkwan sing properly outside of drunken karaoke or humming under his breath?
The track is barely two minutes. Hansol instantly replays it, over and over, until he can’t take it anymore and calls Seungkwan up.
“It’s horrible,” Seungkwan says fretfully. “I know it is, you don’t have to say it.”
“What are you talking about?” Hansol is deeply offended on Seungkwan’s behalf. “Seungkwan it’s - you sound beautiful.”
“It’s just a cover,” Seungkwan replies, but he sounds lighter at Hansol’s words. “I’m really rusty.”
Sure, it’s not perfect, but Seungkwan’s voice has always been a thing of magic. “Okay,” Hansol says agreeably. “But I still think it’s really good.”
There’s a pause. Hansol is suddenly struck by an image of what he thinks Seungkwan must look like right now at work, fidgeting at his desk, pulling a face. Pouting, even. “Thank you,” he finally says primly, and hangs up. Hansol shakes his head, smiling at his phone.
send me more when you have the chance, he texts. please.
Seungkwan sends him a frowny face emoji back. But he listens, sending Hansol little snippets of covers he does, his voice lovelier every time. Hansol feels almost bad for keeping it to himself, but he’s reluctant to share any of the tracks with anyone, even Shannon. Besides, at one point, Seungkwan will get the confidence he needs to upload a full cover, like he used to in early college days, and everyone will get to hear him. For now, this is Hansol’s alone.
A month later, it’s Seungkwan’s turn to call him at four in the morning. Hansol’s at Shannon’s tonight, peacefully spooning her, when his phone’s vibrations stir him out of sleep. He gently removes his arms from Shannon’s waist, answering it half-asleep. “H'llo?"
“Hansollie.” Seungkwan’s voice, a shaky, tremulous whisper, immediately wakes him up. Hansol sits up in bed, Shannon making a soft noise in her sleep from her place by his side. “Sollie, is it okay to talk right now?”
“Seungkwan-ah.” Hansol’s already scanning for his clothes on the floor. Jeans by the bed, shirt tossed to the other side. “What is it? Are you okay? I’ll come over right now.”
Seungkwan laughs wetly. “No, no, it’s fine I’m with hyung - “ Hansol’s stomach clenches unpleasantly. Seungkwan’s with his boyfriend but he’s calling Hansol, crying. “ - but he’s asleep and I just. Really wanted to talk to you.”
“That’s okay,” Hansol says. It’s not okay. “I’m here, Boo.”
Seungkwan sniffles. “Is… are you with Sungyeon? I’m sorry, I’m interrupting.”
“She’s asleep,” Hansol assures him, quietly slipping out of bed. He picks his clothes up just in case, heading out of the bedroom into the living room. “What’s going on, Seungkwan-ah?” His stomach is in nervous knots, preparing for whatever Seungkwan’s called him for. He got into a fight with Sanguk, he needs Hansol to come get him -
“If I wanted to sing again,” Seungkwan says, cutting through Hansol’s train of thought. Hansol is awake enough to realize that Seungkwan’s slurring his words a little, and Hansol feels a little sick at the thought of him drinking and crying alone, “to do it, properly, what would Hansollie think?”
Hansol swallows hard. “I think Seungkwannie can do anything in the world,” he says quietly. “And we’d all be lucky to hear you sing again.”
Seungkwan lets out a sob over the phone. “I really love you, Chwe Hansol,” he chokes out.
Hansol’s heart feels like it’s being torn in two. “I really love you, Boo Seungkwan,” he whispers back. “Send me your location, I’ll come get you.”
“It’s okay, Hansol-ah, really.” Seungkwan sniffles. “I just needed to hear your voice.”
It's not okay. But Hansol stays on the phone with him, the two of them talking quietly until dawn breaks. Shannon finds him in the morning, knocked out on the couch, his call with Seungkwan still running.
entry #82: seungkwan wants to sing properly again. some people were born to sing, and he's one of them. i hope he lets me help him.
Seungkwan looks particularly small standing in the recording booth in an oversized sweater with dark circles under his eyes. It had been hell to schedule this with Seungkwan managing a new promotion cycle with his clients and Hansol is well aware of the slight trepidation coming from Jihoon and Seungcheol.
But Seungkwan opens his mouth to sing and Hansol watches, with satisfaction, as their mouths drop open in awe.
“Where have you been hiding him?” Jihoon asks once their session is done. Seungkwan bows to him and Seungcheol a dozen times for their time. “You should’ve asked him to be on your mixtapes.”
Hansol feels a slight pinch of guilt. He should've, he knows, but he pulled back from asking Seungkwan to be involved in his music after their big fight. Hindsight is so damning though, and he wishes he hadn't been so clouded with guilt. Maybe he would've realized how unhappy Seungkwan was earlier. “He was busy. The song sounded good, right?”
Jihoon hums. “The backing track needs some work but yeah kid. It’s good.”
Seungcheol looks very cheerful when he joins them, slapping Hansol on the shoulder. “Seungkwannie’s coming in next week to record guides,” he says warmly. Hansol knew Seungcheol would like him. “Then we can talk about the EP. Hansol-ah, you have more material don’t you?”
It’s probably a little embarrassing how many lyrics Hansol has written with Seungkwan’s voice in mind. “Yeah,” he says, the tips of his ears turning red. He catches Seungkwan’s eye. Seungkwan smiles at him, obviously tired, but happy.
“Let’s get dinner then,” Seungcheol says happily. “Jihoonie’s treat.”
Jihoon glares. “Hyung.” But Seungcheol is already on the phone, presumably inviting Chan. Hansol pulls up his own to send a courtesy invite to Shannon, who declines with a crying cat emoji, too busy with her former groupmates. He does pull Seungkwan to the side while Jihoon and Seungcheol are bickering to check up on him privately.
“Are you sure about next week?” he asks carefully. “I know you’ve been really busy…”
Seungkwan nods, mouth thinned into a determined line. “Don’t worry Hansol,” he says, squeezing his arm. “It’ll be fine.”
Dinner ends up a bigger affair than expected. Chan comes with his coworker Soonyoung, who immediately hits on an uninterested Jihoon. Seungkwan wheedles Hansol to invite Junhui, who brings his boyfriend Minghao, who brings his boyfriend Mingyu. “Mingyu also has a boyfriend,” Junhui tells his rapt audience, explaining the complicated web of their relationships, while also saying nothing about it at all. “Seokmin has the loudest laugh.”
“Coming from Jun hyung, that’s really something,” Hansol mutters to Seungkwan. Seungkwan coughs to hide his bark of laughter.
Seungkwan is the main event though. Seungcheol and Chan pile him with beer, while Hansol keeps his plate full of meat. Seungkwan is a little shy at the attention, especially when Seungcheol praises his voice, but he gains his confidence quickly, telling stories that even have Jihoon snorting.
Soonyoung points at him and Hansol, eyebrows raised suggestively. “So you two are…?”
Seungkwan hiccups. “Hansollie is Hansollie,” he declares. Hansol’s cheeks turn warm.
Chan snorts. “He’s the one with a girlfriend, hyung.”
Hansol dutifully shows pictures when Soonyoung asks for them. “She couldn’t make it. And Seungkwan…” he trails off, not wanting to bring up Sanguk when he’s in such a good mood. But Seungkwan catches his drift and straightens up.
“My boyfriend’s an Olympic fencer,” he says primly. The whole table lets out a loud, cohesive “ooh!” “We’re apartment shopping right now.”
Hansol’s hand twitches reflexively. Moving in together? That’s the first he’s heard of that. Seungkwan has been surprisingly tight-lipped about his relationship for a while, but moving in together…
Junhui nudges him from his other side. “Hansol-ah, you’re making a weird face. Do you have gas pain?”
Minghao smacks the back of his head. “Don’t be rude.”
Seungkwan is properly drunk when dinner’s finished, clinging to Hansol’s arm while he orders them a taxi. “Hansol-ah,” he mumbles, refusing to let go even when Hansol’s buckled him in. “Hansollie.”
Hansol gives up, and gets into the backseat too, Seungkwan immediately curling up against him. It’s been a while since he stayed over at Seungkwan’s anyways. Part of him wants to ask about him moving in with Sanguk, but knows that it’s futile to try to have that conversation while Seungkwan is inebriated.
So he buries that curiosity down, half-carrying Seungkwan out of the taxi and patting his pockets for his keys. They shuffle inside together, and Hansol pretends he doesn’t see the moving boxes in Seungkwan’s living room. He helps Seungkwan take off his clothes, fingers burning at how warm he is, and lets Seungkwan tug him into bed with him. He tries to forget about it.
Evidently he doesn’t bury it deep enough, because he keeps thinking about it. How upset Seungkwan had been weeks ago on the phone, crying to Hansol while he was with Sanguk. In between Seungkwan coming to the studio and messaging him about the EP, Hansol is dying to ask. Are you really gonna move in with him? The asshole who made you cry?
Hansol’s too afraid of hearing Seungkwan’s resigned “yes” in response. He doesn’t ask.
The reckoning comes unexpectedly. Shannon has a gig tonight with some of her former group mates and Hansol invites everyone he knows, including Seungkwan. Seungkwan confirms his attendance at the beginning of the day and Hansol is swept away into the details of the night. Calming Shannon down, fixing their amp when it goes wonky, and by the time she actually performs, he’s nursing his third beer, exhausted. Chan records the performance for him, snickering at Hansol’s “boyfriend duties.”
It’s only after Shannon’s finished, collapsing in Hansol’s arms, does he realize that Seungkwan isn’t here. He kisses Shannon congratulations but is absentmindedly looking through the crowd, trying to find him. He checks his phone, but nothing. When Shannon asks what he’s looking so distracted for, he answers truthfully. “Seungkwan isn’t here.”
Shannon looks a little disappointed but shakes it off. “Maybe something came up. It’s okay. We’ll talk to him later.”
But it’s not like Seungkwan. If something happened, he would’ve told Hansol why he couldn’t have made it, accompanied with a dozen apologies. He doesn’t drink anymore that night, despite buying Shannon and her friends soju cocktails, but keeps his eye on his phone the whole time. He can’t help it; he’s worried. But Seungkwan won’t respond to his texts and there isn’t a free moment to go and call him, not with Shannon still full of excitement and wanting to party. Hansol’s body is celebrating but his brain is stuck on Seungkwan, Seungkwan, Seungkwan.
At the end of the night, when Shannon is so drunk that Hansol needs to carry her to the taxi, he resolves to just go to Seungkwan’s apartment. Shannon whines for him to come with her but he just makes sure Nayoung, the most sober of her friends, gets in the taxi with her. Nayoung gives him a judgemental look but acquiesces easily enough.
boo seungkwan, he texts out, feeling a little manic. i'm coming over and if you don’t answer the door, i'm calling your mother.
The door is unlocked. The lights are off. “Seungkwan?” Hansol calls as he walks in, feeling that earlier worry start to expand. There are so many boxes in Seungkwan’s living room, Hansol feels sick at the sight of them. “Seungkwan-ah, where are you?”
Seungkwan’s faint “here” in response has Hansol’s knees buckling with relief. He makes a beeline to the bedroom where Seungkwan is sitting on the bed, completely wrapped up in his blankets. When Hansol kneels in front of him, Seungkwan doesn’t look at him.
“Tell Sungyeon I’m sorry,” he says in a flat, emotionless voice. His eyes are red and his face is blotchy, but other than that his expression is completely blank. “I didn’t mean to miss her big night.”
Hansol takes hold of Seungkwan’s chin, tipping it down so that he’s looking at Hansol properly. “Tell me what happened.” He wants to sound calm, but Seungkwan is scaring him, and his nerves are all frazzled. Instead of a calm request, it comes out as a frantic demand.
Seungkwan closes his eyes. “I quit my job. Hyung broke up with me. And now I’m moving into an apartment I can’t afford, all on my own.”
Blood is rushing in Hansol’s ears. He doesn’t get time to process how stunned he is at Seungkwan’s words, because he keeps going. “There’s something wrong with me.” Seungkwan sounds so empty it makes Hansol’s chest hurt. “There’s something wrong with me, because I’m too old to throw away a good job for a flimsy dream I should’ve killed a long time ago.”
Hansol’s grip tightens on Seungkwan’s chin. “Don’t talk about yourself like that,” he says, trying very hard to conceal his anger because he knows those words are most likely coming from Sanguk, not Seungkwan. “Don’t do that, Seungkwan. You’ll break my heart.”
“He broke mine,” Seungkwan snaps back, and just like that the blank facade cracks and Seungkwan is sobbing, loud and angry. He pushes at Hansol when he gets up to wrap his arms around Seungkwan properly but Hansol holds on, stubborn and steady, and Seungkwan’s tears soak through his shirt. Hansol moves to sit up against the wall and Seungkwan crawls into his lap, muttering in between his tears.
“Stupid, stupid, I’m so stupid.”
“Shh, shh. No you aren’t.”
Seungkwan’s next sob is hysterical. “Yes I am! I signed a six month lease - it was my idea because I knew hyung was being distant and I thought it would, I don't know, fix things. I thought - “ His breaths are coming out uneven and shaky and Hansol shushes him, rocking him back and forth. “How am I supposed to pay for that place, Hansol? It’s in Gangnam. I'm unemployed! I’m an idiot!”
Hansol knows it’s only a rhetorical question because Seungkwan is panicking. But - “I’ll move in with you,” he says quickly. “My place is month to month anyways, I can be out next week. It’ll be fine, Kwannie, please don’t cry.”
This has the opposite effect, as Seungkwan just keeps crying harder. “Oh god,” he gasps out, trying to scramble off Hansol’s lap. Hansol wraps his arms around his waist tight to keep him from going. “Oh god, I ruined my life, and now I’m gonna ruin yours!”
“Hey,” Hansol says sternly, pulling him closer. “You stop that. Nobody is ruining anything.” When Seungkwan doesn’t stop, shoulders shaking with the force of his sobs, Hansol pitches his voice high and cute. “Please, Seungkwannie, let me come live with you in your brand new fancy apartment. I’m sooo lonely.”
Finally, Seungkwan laughs, even if it’s weak and wet-sounding. “Stupid. Stupid stupid, we’re both stupid.”
Hansol nuzzles the top of Seungkwan’s head. “Is that a yes?”
Seungkwan sniffles loudly. “Really?” he asks, voice terribly small. “Are you - oh, Hansol, are you sure?”
“I have one condition,” Hansol says seriously. “I want a cat. Maybe two.”
Seungkwan laughs again, and it sounds right this time.
entry #95: good FUCKING riddance, oh sanguk never deserved seungkwan for one second
Living with Seungkwan fills a void within Hansol that he didn’t realize was there before. He brings it up once to Seungkwan, who lets out a considering hum. “It makes sense. We’d wanted to be roommates in college, but it didn’t work out.” Seungkwan’s smile lights up the entire kitchen. “I like living with you, Hansollie.”
Hansol likes it too. It’s as if the universe is giving them another chance, giving them back the gift of time and proximity they lost to their paths splitting back in Seungkwan’s college days. Seungkwan is neat enough that the communal spaces are always clean and he always reminds Hansol to do his laundry, take his vitamins. Meanwhile, Hansol gets to control Seungkwan’s coffee intake, and make sure he actually eats properly.
It’s not perfect. Hansol had almost forgotten how often they bicker over little things - he’d brought the wrong scented candle and Seungkwan huffily ignored him for an hour about it. Once Seungkwan forced him to clean in the middle of one of his brainstorming sessions, and Hansol had been very irritated about it. It’s as if they’re relearning things about each other, sort of an amazing feat considering how long they’ve been friends. Both of them are still mediocre cooks, though Seungkwan insists that they try to make something new at least once a week instead of surviving on purely takeout. Plus, they’re both terrible with bugs. Hansol finds a spider in the bathroom, and he and Seungkwan practically fist fight over who has to take it out.
“This is unfair!” Seungkwan shouts as Hansol pins him to the couch. “You have muscles now, get the hell off me!”
Hansol is unrelenting, keeping a firm grip on Seungkwan’s wrists. “Tell me you’ll kill the spider.”
“Uggghhhh, Hansol! Don’t make me a murderer!”
The worst thing is probably the fact that Hansol’s newest baby, Scully, who is an angel that has never done anything wrong, hates Seungkwan. This is unfortunate, considering Seungkwan is home more than Hansol is nowadays. She always makes a stink face whenever Seungkwan fills up her bowl, and will bite at Seungkwan’s ankles whenever he’s close to Hansol.
“I’m sorry,” Hansol apologizes for the hundredth time, swooping Scully into his arms. Seungkwan is wry, but amused, wagging a finger in Scully’s unhappy face. Scully is so sweet with him, it's actually funny how much of a stink she causes with Seungkwan.
“You love your Papa too much, huh?” Seungkwan’s face twists into a comical sneer. “Too bad, I’ve known Hansollie longer!”
Hansol sighs as Seungkwan sticks his tongue out at her. “Boo, please don’t fight with her.”
“She started it!”
Honestly, the high of having so much of Seungkwan’s time to himself, after so long of a few in-person meet-ups, their relationship mostly held together through their frequent texts, outweighs everything else. Even Seungkwan’s feud with his cat daughter.
Even running late to dates with Shannon.
“Sorry,” Hansol says apologetically. “Scully attacked Seungkwan, so I got sidetracked.” Seungkwan had shoved a box of mochi into Hansol’s arms, to help him soften Shannon up.
Shannon accepts the mochi with a soft sigh. “Oh Scully. She really has it out for Seungkwan oppa, doesn’t she?”
Hansol grimaces. “Yeah.”
It’s actually been a while since they had date night properly, and both of them ignore the movie Shannon’s put on halfway through in favor of making out, Hansol carrying her to the bedroom to have sex. Shannon is soft and sweet as always, though she smacks his shoulder scoldingly for gripping her thighs too tight while he was going down on her. She’ll have bruises, Hansol thinks with some satisfaction.
“Wanna finish the movie?” he asks in the afterglow, Shannon curled up in his arms. She nods but she’s still quiet when they walk back to the living room. Hansol steals glances at her in between scenes, taking note of the pensive look on her face, the one she gets whenever she’s thinking particularly hard.
After the movie, she makes them both hot chocolate, giving herself something to do. Hansol stays quiet, waiting for her to share whenever she’s ready.
Turns out he’s not ready for what she has to say. “Vernon. Do you want to move in with me?”
Hansol’s next swallow of hot chocolate goes down the wrong pipe. Shannon lets out a distressed noise when he starts coughing, getting up to smack his back. “I’m okay,” he rasps out when he’s stopped coughing. Man, his chest hurts. “Um.” How is he supposed to answer her question? Yeah, Seungkwan’s lease is halfway done but. Hansol goes for a gentle approach. “Thanks for the offer, babe. But no, I’m okay.”
When he notices Shannon’s face drop, he quickly scrambles, an eerie voice echoing in his head that he’s made a mistake of some kind. “Your apartment is really cool, I love staying here. But, I can’t leave Seungkwan right now. I’m happy with our place.” Good recovery. Clear, respectful. Shannon has always been very clear headed, she’ll understand. Right?
“You’re fine…” Shannon repeats slowly, tapping against her mug with her nails. She has really nice nails, Hansol thinks. She and Seungkwan, who also has really nice nails, go to the same salon for their pedicures. Both of them have tried to take Hansol along but that’s just not money he’s willing to spend. “Vernon-ah, can we talk for a little bit?”
Hansol nods, his hands turning a little clammy. He doesn’t think he was too rude in answering her question, was he…? To be fair, she did come out of nowhere with that. Especially considering how vocal Hansol has been in how much he enjoys staying with Seungkwan. Scully is an issue, sure, but nothing the two of them can’t handle. Shannon’s apartment is cozy and cool, but his and Seungkwan’s is… well, perfect. He can’t imagine living anywhere else, but keeps these thoughts to himself in order to spare his girlfriend’s feelings.
“We’ve been together for a while,” she says quietly. Hansol nods again. Almost three years. “Don’t you think moving in together is the next step?”
Ah. Shannon isn’t exactly wrong in thinking that. “Yeah you’re right,” he concedes. This conversation is making his skin itchy. He rubs at his ear, chewing the inside of his cheek. “But Seungkwan and I haven’t even been at the apartment for the full lease yet.”
Shannon nods. “I get that,” she says. “It’s six months, isn’t it? I’m not asking you to break the lease. I just think we should start planning for the future.”
The future. Hansol has always been the type to live in the moment, taking each day as they come. Even now, with almost everything he’s ever wanted in his lap, he still thinks of the future as some bright distant star he’ll always be reaching out for. He tries, for Shannon’s sake, to imagine living together with her. But imagining that means imagining leaving Seungkwan behind, and he can’t do that right now.
“I know,” he says quietly. “Shannon, I know. It’s just… you know it hasn’t been that long since the breakup, and Seungkwan’s in a really weird place right now.” Hansol had wanted Seungkwan to just focus on his music, and Hansol would pay for everything, but Seungkwan refused, doing a bunch of gigs on the side to pull his weight. Mostly singing at weddings, school reunions, and children’s birthdays. Right now, Seungkwan is like some beautiful kite, blustering about in the wind, while Hansol is the line that keeps him from flying off. “I can’t leave him,” he says, honest and true.
For a brief moment, Shannon looks pained. Then, she takes a very deep breath, mouth softening into a resigned smile. “You’re a really good friend, Vernon-ah,” she says softly. “It’s one of the things I love about you.”
Why does Hansol feel like he’s missed something? His throat feels tight. “I love you too,” he says, reaching out to squeeze her hands tight, “you know that, don’t you?” Shannon, who is as passionate about music as he is. Shannon, who calls him Vernon, not oppa. Shannon, who has countless inside jokes in English with him. Shannon, who he loves.
They end their night early. It doesn’t feel right to stay over, not when Shannon is clearly so upset. Hansol goes back to his apartment, and Seungkwan immediately knows something is wrong. “What is it?” he asks softly, cupping the back of Hansol’s head. Even his fingers gently rubbing Hansol’s ears isn’t enough to make him feel better about it. He can’t talk about it, every time he tries to, it’s like something is blocking him.
When Shannon finally breaks it off, it’s with a teary but resolute: “I know what I want, Vernon. I don’t think you know what you want.” And she’s right. Hansol doesn’t know anything at all.
entry #104: i don't know how i messed this up.
Hansol doesn’t feel like a real person after Shannon breaks up with him. He feels like he’s drifting, slowly going through the motions of his daily life but not actually processing them. After too many slip-ups in the studio, Seungcheol forces him to take some time off, which Hansol mostly spends petting Scully aimlessly and listening to all of Shannon’s music.
Seungkwan intervenes only when Hansol pulls up her old Pristin stages to watch. “Okay, no,” he says, slamming Hansol’s laptop shut. “If you’re going to wallow, have some dignity, Chwe Hansol.”
Hansol narrows his eyes at Seungkwan. “When stupid Sanguk dumped you, you set all your old pictures on fire,” he points out dryly.
Seungkwan’s face erupts in flames. “It was a very dignified fire!” he defends. “Now get up - I have pilates, and you’re going to exercise. Your muscles are shrinking!”
He groans but lets Seungkwan pull him up. It’s nice how Seungkwan gives him space to mourn his relationship but also doesn’t let him sink too hard into despair. He’s the only one being relatively normal about the breakup. The rest of his friends are absolutely heartbroken over it. Maybe even more than he is.
“She was a good one,” Hyunggu bemoans when they finally force him out to drink his woes away. Seungyoun, Jamie, and Nathan are there too, making sure Hansol’s glass doesn’t stay empty for too long. “The best one! How could you let her go!”
“She let me go,” Hansol slurs out. “I… got dumped.”
Jamie rubs his back consolingly. “I know, bud.”
“She dumped me.”
Seungyoun orders more soju. Nathan brings out the cigarettes and Hansol takes one, despite Hyunggu scolding him. Shannon didn’t like it when he smoked. But well, she’s not gonna care about that anymore. He can smoke all the cigarettes he wants now. Hansol almost throws up. Hyunggu actually does, and Jamie cuts everyone off. “Should I tell Seungkwan to come get you?” she asks. Hansol whines, because Seungkwan hates it when he smokes too, and now he’s going to smell it on him.
“What did you do?” Hyunggu finally asks him as they’re waiting for the taxi Nathan’s ordered, resting against the wall. He sounds surprisingly sober despite how much they drank. Seungkwan is ten minutes away, stay right there Chwe Hansol, don’t you move a muscle!
Hansol blinks down at his phone, rereading Seungkwan’s text. “She wanted to move in together,” he confesses, the first time he’s talked about the root of their breakup. He hasn’t told Seungkwan; how could he? Seungkwan would only feel guilty about it. “I didn’t.”
He doesn’t get the chance to see Hyunggu’s reaction to that because Nathan’s pulling him away, telling Hansol not to be a stranger. “Bring Seungkwan too next time!” he calls before pushing a resistant Hyunggu into the taxi.
Hansol’s nearly asleep when Seungkwan comes to him, putting a hand to his cheek. “You’re a mess, Hansollie,” Seungkwan sighs.
Hansol nods. He’s a mess. Seungkwan has to help clean him up, or something. He thinks he says that out loud because Seungkwan laughs a little. “Let’s go home, Hansol-ah.”
Home. At least he has home. Home with Seungkwan, and Scully. Seungkwan lets Hansol sleep in bed with him, clinging to him like an octopus. And afterwards when Hansol can barely open his eyes because of his hangover, Seungkwan brings him soup for it.
Life sucks but hey. At least he has Seungkwan.
Grief is really weird because it comes in waves. Some days, Hansol feels normal. Then others, he pulls up Shannon’s contact info to send her something, and realizes that he can’t, and spirals again.
The only thing these fucked up, complicated emotions are good for is his music. Seungkwan won’t let him listen to Shannon’s stuff, so he resorts to the old pop-punk music of his youth, blasting Paramore and Avril Lavigne like he’s sixteen again. He writes and writes, so much his fingers cramp up, and a lot of it is cheesy bullshit but it’s mostly raw and real. Almost all of it is in English though, which makes him miss Shannon more.
But apparently, Seungcheol finds out about it, and tells him, “I have a friend from America. He sings really well, if you wanted to do something with those English lyrics.”
Joshua is very polite, and his English reminds him of the way Drew Barrymore talks. Hansol has enough lyrics to make an album, if he really wanted to, and he knows that Jihoon and Seungcheol would take off his workload so he could, but he doesn’t. He thinks he could get the catharsis out in a couple of tracks.
“You could sing too,” Seungkwan suggests one night, coming into Hansol’s room with orange slices, rubbing at Hansol’s tense shoulders. “If it’s a project just for you, why not?”
Why not? Hansol mentions it to Joshua, who tilts his head with a confused, “I thought you were a rapper?”
Still, he’s a lot more easygoing than Hansol originally thought, matching Hansol’s energy when he’s yelling his heart out in the recording booth.
“Okay,” Jihoon says after the first run. “Energy is good but - stop growling Hansol.”
It’s more cathartic than he thinks. Hansol’s a little embarrassed by the time the tracks are actually done, but Jihoon is oddly proud of him. He wants to thank Joshua properly for it and pay him for his time, but he’s surprised when Joshua shakes him off. “Oh no, I’m glad to return the favor for Seungkwannie.”
Hansol blinks.
Seungcheol isn’t surprised. “Who do you think told me about all those English lyrics?” He laughs at the dumbfounded expression on Hansol’s face.
Seungkwan doesn’t look at all guilty for being sneaky about it. In fact, he’s very smug. “It sounds so good!” he cheers enthusiastically as Hansol plays him the final product. His and Joshua’s voices go well together. The embarrassment is gone, and only pride is left. He doesn’t even feel bitter, listening to the lyrics he wrote thinking of Shannon. Her perfume has washed out of his clothes now, and he hasn’t flinched at Seungkwan’s girl group playlist in days. Seungkwan replays his song, cupping his jaw, fingers pressing up warmly against his cheek.
“Don’t you feel better?” he asks, in a much gentler voice.
Hansol tucks his face against Seungkwan’s hand and breathes in deep. He does.
entry #121: well, everyone got it right. the shit you write when you’re heartbroken hits much differently.
Seungkwan’s EP gets officially released in the spring and its release party is one of the biggest things Hansol’s ever had to plan. He’s really glad that Eunbi and Yewon end up helping him, because whenever Hansol suggests anything, Eunbi looks disgusted and Yewon shakes her head. The girls give him the tasks, and he books and orders everything.
So many people know and love Seungkwan. That’s why the banquet hall Hansol rents is teeming with people. Hansol finally gets to meet the mischievous Jeonghan that Seungkwan used to work with and Kim Mingyu’s boyfriend Seokmin who hosts the whole thing with an enthusiastic Soonyoung. Seungkwan is so overwhelmed by the love, he cries when Moonbin and Yewon bring him flowers. “Stream it,” Chan yells into the crowd. “It’s everywhere now, stream it!”
Hansol hardly gets time alone with Seungkwan; so many people want to talk to him and dance with him. But Seungkwan does corner him towards the end of the night, giddy with champagne, throwing his arms around him. “You planned this,” he accuses happily, burying his face in Hansol’s shoulder. Hansol pats his back.
“Actually, Yewon and Eunbi did. I couldn’t have done this alone.”
“You can do anything,” Seungkwan mutters, holding him tighter. The party is winding down, and if Seungkwan’s already like this, Hansol will take him home if that’s what he wants.
Hansol hums agreeably. “You happy?” he asks quietly.
“What a stupid question,” Seungkwan mutters back. He nuzzles Hansol’s nose before scampering away.
While Seungkwan is saying his goodbyes, Seungcheol sidles up next to him. “Hey,” he greets, bumping his shoulder. “Good party, Chwe.”
Hansol hums. “Thanks hyung. Well, Seungkwan’s happy.”
Seungcheol’s smile turns fond, looking over at where Seungkwan is getting hugged by his college friends. “Yeah he is. But ah, that’s not what I came here for.” Seungcheol gestures to a few tables away. “I meant to do this later, but it’s too good of an opportunity now.”
“Opportunity?” Hansol repeats, clueless. Seungcheol points out a girl sitting next to change.
“I want you to meet someone. That’s Jiwon - Channie works with her. She’s really cool, and she raps too.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” Hansol says. “Does she want to link up with the studio or something?”
Seungcheol snorts. “Sure kiddo. Or something.”
Hansol doesn’t get that Seungcheol means to set him up until he and Jiwon have already exchanged numbers. Hansol asks her about her work, and she asks him if he’s interested in ice skating.
“You know I’m okay being single. Right hyung?” Hansol says later at work. He frowns a little when he sees Seungcheol and Jihoon exchange a glance. “Seriously. I’m fine.”
“You could at least get laid,” Chan complains, put out that Hansol won’t meet up with his friend. “Jiwon noona is cool, you know.”
Hansol quirks an eyebrow. “How do you know I’m not getting laid?”
Chan is unamused. “Between your workaholic hours and playing cat daddy, I don’t know where you’d get the time.”
“Maybe Scully could use a little sister…” Hansol muses. Chan groans in response.
Hyunggu is the worst of them though. Somehow he manages to set Hansol up on three blind dates without him being aware of it. It’s pretty annoying actually, because Hansol always feels so awkward when he realizes what’s happened. Seungkwan laughs about it whenever Hansol comes home from one, humiliated.
“I don’t even feel bad for you anymore,” Seungkwan cackles, from where he’s play-fighting Scully, trying to avoid her bites. “You should know better by now, Hansollie!”
It’s not Hansol’s fault. Hyunggu is sneaky, just as sneaky as Seungkwan can be. He always does it when they’re in group settings, and suddenly Hansol finds himself alone with whoever Hyunggu’s picked for him.
But apparently, even Hyunggu has his limits, because he really wants Hansol to properly meet this Hongjoong guy. Hansol only agrees to it because Hyunggu had the decency to tell him ahead of time. But while he’s getting ready at Hyunggu’s place, Seungkwan calls him.
“It’s an emergency!” Seungkwan screeches in his ear. “Jinseol noona found a ring in her boyfriend’s bag and she’s here and going nuts - please come home, right now, before I get arrested for killing my own sister oh god - “
“Relax,” Hansol says, turning on his heel, passing by a confused Hyunggu. “Just don’t give her any alcohol.”
“She already finished our rice wine!”
“Shit. Okay, be there in twenty.” He hangs up and sits down to put his shoes back on. Hyunggu approaches him from behind. “Hold up a second,” he starts in disbelief. “Chwe Hansol, where are you going?”
“Didn’t you hear?” Hansol pats his pockets – keys, wallet, phone. Yep, he’s got it all. “Jinseol noona is here and going nuts. I gotta go help Seungkwan.”
“Help Seungkwan…” Hyunggu repeats slowly. “Seungkwan can handle his noona on his own. You’re supposed to meet Hongjoong today.”
“I do wanna meet him,” Hansol says absent-mindedly. “He sounds cool. Just another time, alright?”
Hyunggu makes a very irritated noise. “Another time… Okay. Pause a sec. Can we please talk about the elephant in the room?”
“What elephant,” Hansol asks, only half listening as he grabs his coat. Hyunggu makes that irritated noise again, grabbing Hansol’s arm. Hansol looks back, a little impatient. Boos don’t handle their alcohol well, and while Seungkwan has always been a cuddly, sweet sort of drunk, Jinseol noona is a terror. He’s already afraid for the state of their apartment.
“The elephant,” Hyunggu repeats, “that you won’t move on because you’re too busy playing house with Seungkwan!”
Hansol freezes. “What,” he says faintly. He sure is listening now, though he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “What are you… Hyunggu, that’s not true.”
Hyunggu shakes his head. “It’d be one thing, if you really didn’t want to go out with anyone. That’s fine. But it’s always… Seungkwan always comes first. Shannon broke up with you because of it!”
“That’s not true,” Hansol says weakly.
“Did you even tell Seungkwan why?”
Hansol’s stomach clenches uncomfortably. Why is Hyunggu bringing this up now? Like this? Over Hansol not meeting his friend… “Hyunggu. Can we not talk about this now.”
Hyunggu’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you. You haven’t told Seungkwan!”
“Hyunggu - “
“You - I never brought it up because I figured you actually talked about it and - “
All at once, Hyunggu stops ranting. He stares at Hansol for a good moment, something like horror dawning on his face.
“Holy shit, Hansol,” he breathes out. Now what? Hansol really doesn’t have time for this nonsense, he needs to leave to help Seungkwan.
“Hyunggu, let’s talk about this later - “
“You’re in love with Seungkwan!”
Time freezes like a snowstorm between them. Hansol stares blankly at Hyunggu. If the words coming out of his mouth didn’t make sense before, they certainly don’t know. “What are you talking about?” Hansol finally says. His mouth feels all cottony, the way it does after he takes an edible or mixes dark liquor with light. It feels like every nerve in his body is catching fire while the air is shivering around him. Burning and freezing all at once.
Hyunggu shakes his head. “I’m an idiot. We’re all idiots. You both were always involved with other people, so I just thought you were just super codependent or something… god, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. You’re in love with him.”
“No, I’m not! ” Hansol isn’t the type that yells ever, but that’s what’s happening now, and it shocks Hyunggu enough that he immediately shuts up. The silence between them is defeaning, only the sound of Hansol's heavy breathing as he tries to calm down.
“Hansol,” Hyunggu breathes out, regret starting to bloom on his face. Hansol puts his hand up, shaking his head.
“I’m leaving,” Hansol grits out. “Tell your friend sorry.” It’s rude to slam the door shut when leaving, so he doesn’t. But he really feels like doing it.
entry #137: why does everyone suddenly get so annoying when you're single??? i don't get it. i'm fine right now, thanks.
Things are a little awkward in his friend group because of his fight with Hyunggu. Hansol doesn’t like calling it a fight because it isn’t really, but it sure feels like it when he looks at Hyunggu’s texts, remembers what he said, and gets angry all over again. Every time he remembers, he gets the strongest urge to defend his relationship to Seungkwan. He’s known Seungkwan since they were kids, before adult life, before college, before puberty. Everyone has childhood friends, but Seungkwan is more than that. He always has been.
Hansol tries to put that into words, but isn’t able to find the right ones. He always thought Hyunggu understood; they’ve known each other for so long. How could he get it so wrong?
He tries not to think about it, especially around Seungkwan. They’re spending more time than ever nowadays, since Seungkwan permanently started working with the studio. Hyunggu might have the wrong idea about him and Seungkwan but their codependency is a pretty fair assessment. It’s always been easy to spend time with Seungkwan, and being roommates with him makes it even easier. Outside of work, he and Seungkwan do practically everything together.
Even things, Hansol reluctantly admits to himself, that would be considered couple behavior. Sunday afternoons are meant for chores - Seungkwan folds their laundry because he’s better at it and Hansol will take their little hand vacuum to clean the cats' stray fur off their furniture. Sometimes, Seungkwan will ask Hansol to hum out a melody, and he’ll make up a silly chores song.
“We should record this,” Hansol says, when Seungkwan finishes a little number about the dishes. “Just like the Wiggles.”
“Who are the Wiggles?” That leads to a very fun YouTube deep dive. Hansol still thinks his old cartoons are better than anything CocoMelon’s ever done.
“Well,” Sofia says dryly on the phone, “if you want your friends to believe you’re not dating Seungkwan, maybe lay off the married behavior.”
Hansol scowls. Sofia is the only person he’s told about his and Hyunggu’s little tiff. There’s no way he could tell Seungkwan, and he loves his friends but they all love to talk so much. If he tells Chan, Seungcheol will know, and if Seungcheol knows it’s only a matter of time before it spreads to their entire circle. Though telling his little sister his woes is painful in an entirely different way. “Doing chores together isn’t married behavior. It’s normal. We’re roommates!”
“It’s boring,” Sofia shoots back. “It’s boring, which makes it the most married thing ever!”
Hansol huffs. “You’re just saying that because all your roommates are from hell.”
“Uh huh.” He can practically hear Sofia’s eyes roll through the phone. It’s crazy how his baby sister is an adult woman now. It feels like they all grew up in the blink of an eye. “You know oppa, if you actually want your friends to believe you, you could try going on a date or something.”
“It’s only Hyunggu,” Hansol protests. He probably shouldn’t tell Sofia that he’d much prefer staying in and cooking with Seungkwan over going through the social niceties of getting to know a new person.
But well. Hansol guesses he can try, He starts coming to group dinners again, and besides a few searching glances, Hyunggu doesn’t try to bring it up again. Hansol is thankful. Tension with Hyunggu messes with his friendships with the rest of the group, the others curious but silent about it. Things are steadily going back to normal though. He actually has Seungyoun coming into the studio to record, Hansol finally getting to work on one of his albums. Seungyoun sends a message in their group chat and Hansol sends a couple of smiley emojis when Hyunggu responds with enthusiasm.
Seungyoun is one of Hansol’s oldest friends in the music scene. Hansol has so many early memories of how he’d skip class just to tag along whenever Seungyoun went to talk to his own producers and songwriters. Seungyoun had been so impossibly cool to him back then, and listening to him sing today, he’s reminded of those feelings. He closes his eyes, tapping his foot to the beat, getting lost in the music.
Hansol opens his eyes right as the song finishes, meeting Seungyoun’s gaze. They grin at each other, both of them clearly excited by the song. It’s amazing: Seungyoun’s vocals on Hansol’s beats, and it’s theirs. “You sound great,” Hansol says, unable to hide the enthusiasm in his voice as Seungyoun steps out. “Seriously - it’s perfect.”
Seungyoun looks pleased even with his bashful smile. “It’s only because you laid out such a solid foundation for me.”
Maybe it’s because of the frenetic energy prickling in his body, buzzing the way he always gets when he’s particularly excited about a track. Maybe it’s Sofia’s voice nagging in his mind that he should try to go on a date. But Seungyoun’s smiling at him, lit up in the studio lights and Hansol sees the moment and takes it. Leans in to brush his mouth against his.
To his horror, Seungyoun jerks back almost immediately, breaking the kiss before it can go any further. Shit, did Hansol completely read that wrong? He knows he’s clueless sometimes but. He’s sure he saw a spark there. “Shit, I’m sorry hyung,” he offers lamely, stepping away to give Seungyoun more space.
“Vernon,” Seungyoun is visibly uncomfortable, the magical energy from before vanishing into thin air. Ahhh, Hansol can’t believe this. He’s never listening to Sofia, or anyone else ever again. “Vernon-ah, it’s not…”
Hansol feels mortified. He wishes he could just… sink into the ground. It’s not as if he hasn’t been rejected before; he thinks he’s pretty flexible in this regard. But this is different. Seungyoun is his friend, one of his oldest. Top ten most embarrassing things to ever happen to him, for sure.
“You don’t have to explain yourself,” he says quickly. “It’s totally chill if you’re not interested. We can forget about it - “
“Vernon,” Seungyoun interrupts, sounding pained. “It’s not about lack of interest. At all.”
Hansol stares, his confusion momentarily overpowering his embarrassment. “What?”
Seungyoun also looks as if he wishes he could sink into the floor. “I’m really flattered but… it’s just not a good idea to mess around with you when you’re clearly pining after Seungkwan.”
It takes a moment for Seungyoun’s words to sink in. When they do, Hansol’s mouth drops open with dismay. “Hyung, not you too!”
Seungyoun offers a half-smile, his own white flag. “Yeah, Hyunggu told me.” Wow. All of Hansol’s friends are conspiring against him. “C’mon Vernon, don’t look at me like that…”
“Ugh.” Hansol covers his face. “I’m not in love with Seungkwan.” Even saying the words feels so weird, like they don’t belong in his mouth. His stomach hurts just thinking about it. Earlier, when Hyunggu had accused him of the same thing, Hansol had been too emotional to even try to explain his perspective, but he’s willing to try with Seungyoun. He peels his hand away from his face with a sigh.
“I care about Seungkwan,” he says slowly. “But I’m not in love with him, and he’s not with me. He’s just… important, you know? I’m always going to put him first.” That’s what Hyunggu had said, and Hansol took offense to it at the time. After he thinks about it, why should he be offended? Of course he’ll put Seungkwan first. Because Seungkwan will do the same for him, without question. Of course they love each other. But it’s not like that.
Seungyoun hums in response after Hansol finishes. “Sounds like love to me, Chwe Hansol.”
“It is love,” Hansol shoots back. “Just… not romantic love.”
To his resignation, Seungyoun doesn’t seem very convinced by his words.
After that, the air is too awkward for Hansol to stick around in the studio even though Seungyoun assures him that they’re fine. He’s right, but Hansol thinks it’s probably best to give both of them space. He texts Seungkwan ahead of time, gonna be home earlier than expected, and proceeds to take the long route home.
His surroundings all melt together into a blur as his brain ruminates over the subject at hand. Seungkwan. Seungkwan is Seungkwan. That had always been the go-to explanation behind their dynamic. Seungkwan is special, important, occupying a spot in his life that can’t be replaced by anyone else. Hansol recognizes, at the very least, that not everyone is going to understand that. Hansol can maybe see how a stranger would look at them, and maybe assume that they’re in a relationship. They’re missing the little pieces though, in favor of the big picture. All of Hansol’s little pieces that are covered in Seungkwan’s fingerprints. There are more that exist with him than without.
That’s who Seungkwan is to him.
Hansol is prepared to open the door and finally tell Seungkwan how ridiculous everyone else has been for the past couple of weeks, when he stops dead in his tracks. Seungkwan is on the couch, watching a drama. This is nothing new. But what is new is the sight of Scully, curled up on his lap, fast asleep. He looks up excitedly as soon as Hansol crosses the threshold. “Hansollie, look! Look!” he whispers loudly, gesturing to the cat. “She came to me! Out of her own free will!”
“Oh wow,” Hansol gasps back, sitting down next to him very slowly. Luckily, Scully only lazily opens one eye, meowing lightly in greeting before settling back into Seungkwan’s lap. Seungkwan is so touched that he’s close to tears.
“I won her over!” he wails. “Your cat finally likes me!”
That uncomfortable feeling he’d carried with him all the way home is all but gone. Lost in the intense wave of affection that surges through him at how happy Seungkwan is that Scully has finally accepted him. Hansol reaches out to brush against Seungkwan’s cheek. “Of course you did,” he says warmly. “Everyone loves you, Seungkwan-ah.”
Seungkwan beams at him, and Hansol can feel the sun rise inside his chest. Forget what everyone else thinks. This feeling, this warmth, that’s purely from Seungkwan, is worth everything. If no one else understands, that’s fine. Hansol is never going to give it up.
entry #145: i’m never making a move on a friend again for as long as i live. never, ever ever ever. screw it, i'll be a crazy cat lady. no more relationships!
For Hansol’s birthday, Seungkwan surprises him with a kitten. Scully is hissing angrily from a corner, and Hansol has to gently explain to a panicked Seungkwan about how cats are territorial and new cats need to be slowly introduced. Despite that, Hansol can’t resist the fluffy ginger tabby who clearly adores Seungkwan already, and names her Trinity. “From the Matrix,” he explains to Seungkwan, who stares at him with a baffled expression. “Come on, Seungkwan, it’s my favorite movie.”
“Trini!” Seungkwan coos to her instead. Fine, that works too.
They set up a schedule to get the cats used to each other. Seungkwan is constantly sending him updates, even at work. He records a video the first time Scully allows Trini to cuddle with her, grooming the top of her head and Hansol keeps taking his phone out at work to watch it, grinning widely.
Seungcheol catches him the third time he does it, waggling his eyebrows slyly. “Vernonie’s texting someone huh,” he says smugly. “C’mon, tell hyung all about it.”
Hansol blinks at Seungcheol. “It’s only Seungkwan. Our cats - see?” Seungcheol lets out a little gasp at the video, and even gets Jihoon to stop looking at the screen for a moment to watch too.
“But you’re not texting someone,” Seungcheol says grumpily when the cat-euphoria wears off. “And Seungkwannie isn’t dating anyone either huh?”
Hansol stares at Seungcheol for a long moment. Seungcheol’s eye twitches lightly. “No,” he says finally, “why?”
Seungcheol shrugs and Hansol points a warning finger at him. “Don’t set him up. Seungkwan doesn’t need that.”
He doesn’t. Seungkwan has always been the kind to pursue the guys he’s interested in. He’s popular, for a good reason. He doesn’t need their meddling hyungs trying to set him up. Seungkwan can get a date all on his own.
Still. Seungcheol’s questions have him thinking. It’s been a while since Seungkwan gushed about any hot guys to Hansol. If Seungkwan is interested in anyone, even superficially, Hansol doesn’t know about it. Seungkwan’s long-running crush on actor Song Joongki doesn’t count.
Hansol takes his phone out. Have you been seeing anyone? He stares at the draft of his text message, feeling stupid. He’s not sure why he’s feeling so bothered by it - maybe he’s sensitive because of all his weird experiences with friends trying to hook him up. The thought of Seungkwan going through that, even though he’s more socially adept than Hansol, gets him all worked up.
He deletes his draft, sighing as he does. Are you craving anything in particular for dinner? is what he sends instead.
Hansol really needs to get a grip. Besides, if Seungcheol does try to introduce Seungkwan to someone or anything along those lines, Seungkwan would tell him.
Stop trying to feed me!! Seungkwan sends back. Hansol can picture the irritated pout on his face. Seungkwan always says this whenever Hansol asks what he wants to eat, but he always eats whatever Hansol brings him. Hansol resolves to bring him fried chicken from their favorite place, the spicy kind that Seungkwan loves and Hansol has to force down with cola.
What are you doing? Hansol asks, as if he doesn’t have a bunch of files to go through. Seungcheol also wants Jihoon and Hansol to meet some people after work, so Hansol has to put his social face on. Seungkwan is apparently finished with work early today and is planning on catching up with his dramas. Hansol hopes he can ditch tonight’s outing relatively soon because if he brings food too late, Seungkwan will refuse to eat it.
Hansol’s in luck because Seungcheol’s friends actually have an emergency, so the outing gets moved to the next night. Hansol is very cheery as he’s picking up the chicken, imagining the look on Seungkwan’s face when Hansol walks through the door with dinner. He’ll be sitting on the couch, watching his drama, maybe Scully curled up next to him. Hansol can see it so vividly, waiting for him at home.
That’s not what’s waiting for him at home.
Seungkwan’s on the couch, but he isn’t watching his drama. He’s not alone either. He’s with Moonbin. Seungkwan and Moonbin, on the couch. Naked. On the couch. Naked, Seungkwan underneath Moonbin, arms wrapped around Moonbin’s shoulders, moaning unashamedly. Moonbin, on top of Seungkwan, rocking his hips into Seungkwan. Fucking him. Seungkwan and Moonbin, naked on the couch, fucking.
Hansol is frozen. Right at the doorway, his takeout bag hanging loosely from his hand. Every bit of him is frozen, his body, his breath, his brain. All that exists is the two bodies writhing a few feet away from him. Moonbin is so much bigger than Seungkwan, he completely covers him, so Hansol can only see glimpses of him. His legs, his arms.
He can hear him though. God, does he hear him.
“Fuck,” Seungkwan whines, and Hansol’s brain sparks back to life. Oh. Oh, he’s never heard Seungkwan make that kind of noise before. He sounds so sultry, Hansol can hardly believe it. “Oh fuck, Binnie please - “
“Seungkwannie,” Moonbin grunts back, and it’s his voice that breaks Hansol out of his haze. His eyes immediately drop to the ground, face burning. Oh shit. Oh shit, shit shit, shit, that’s Seungkwan getting fucked on their couch and he’s just standing here like a complete shitheel. Fuck, Hansol needs to leave right now. And he will, but just as he’s stepping back, gripping the door handle carefully so as to not make any noise, Seungkwan lets out this loud wail that has Hansol’s head jerking back up.
It’s a mistake. Seungkwan moves his face from where it was pressed against Moonbin’s shoulder, head thrown back in pleasure, mouth slack and open as he cries out. Hansol feels as if he’s been hit by a truck, staggering backwards, biting down on his lip hard to stop himself from making any sort of noise in response.
Shit, shit, shit. He can’t be here. He can’t be here. Looking at Seungkwan, listening to him. Like this? He can’t. There’s a wild, desperate instinct to drop his bag and make a run for it, hastily exiting. But the risk of Seungkwan catching him, seeing Hansol here, keeps his muscles stiff and slow and he inches back until he’s back outside, shutting the door as gently as he can manage.
Then, feeling very much out of his mind, he flees.
entry #151: chwe hansol, just forget about today. forget all about it.
Hansol doesn’t really pay attention to where he’s going. He runs until his lungs hurt, stopping at a small park close to their apartment building. He sits down at the foot of the slide, trying to erase the images plaguing his mind. There’s a movie his mom loves, where a woman undergoes a procedure to forget her ex-boyfriend. Hansol thinks about that now, about how he wishes he could erase this memory. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with it.
Lost in thought, Hansol jumps in his seat when his phone vibrates. Damn, shit, fuck. Hansol briefly considers throwing his phone away entirely but he unlocks it to see a text. From Moonbin.
Damn, shit, fuck.
You saw didnt you?
Fuck. Hansol hadn’t been quick enough. He stares down at his phone, chewing his lip anxiously, trying to figure out what to text back. Moonbin’s next texts end up surprising him.
Im sorry dude, Kwan said you werent gonna be back until later
Hansol feels sick. Did Seungkwan see him? If Seungkwan knows too, why isn’t he the one texting him? He’s startled when his phone vibrates with an incoming call. Moonbin. What the hell, Hansol does not want to speak to him. But maybe, Seungkwan is there with him. Shit, fuck, god damn it. Hansol swallows down his dread, before picking up. “Hey.”
“I’m sorry,” Moonbin sounds so flustered. “Vernon, I’m really sorry. I promise, Seungkwan told me that you were gonna be out until night. We wouldn’t have done it there if we knew you were coming home.”
Hansol’s mouth is very dry. “Seungkwan saw me too?” he asks, voice pathetically weak.
Moonbin hesitates. Hansol’s grip on his phone turns clammy. “No. Um, no I only saw you before you closed the door. Kwannie was um. Preoccupied.”
Preoccupied. Too busy – getting fucked. Too busy – being full of Moonbin’s dick. The image comes back to him, the way Seungkwan had thrown his head back when Moonbin went harder, and holy shit, Hansol needs to stop thinking about that right now. Right now. He should be focusing on the fact that Seungkwan didn’t see him, and what a relief that is. “That’s… good,” he settles on. “I didn’t. Mean to walk in on you two.”
“Vernon,” Moonbin sounds a little sympathetic, which is weird. Hansol should be the sympathetic one; they’re the ones that got their privacy invaded by him. “I know you didn’t. I mean, if you want I could tell Seungkwan - “
“No!” Hansol blurts out. No, no, he doesn’t… he doesn’t want Seungkwan to know. “Seungkwan will just get embarrassed, I don’t want him to feel bad.” That’s true, but he also doesn’t really want to face Seungkwan knowing that Hansol’s seen what he looks like getting fucked. That’s not. It’s not. He can’t. Hansol feels a little lightheaded and sinks down to a crouching position because he doesn’t think he can stay standing.
“Yeah,” Moonbin agrees quietly. “Um, well. I left already so the apartment is safe to go back now.”
Hansol bites the inside of his cheek. “You left?” But why? Why did Moonbin leave Seungkwan alone? Seungkwan is the type who’d want to cuddle and watch a movie after sex, so why would Moonbin leave him alone? “You didn’t… have to, I’ll come back later, finish your date - “
“Date?” Moonbin repeats, baffled. “You think we’re - Vernon.” His voice is oddly tight, and for some reason Hansol thinks of Hyunggu. “Vernon, it wasn’t a date. We aren’t dating. Seungkwannie and I… we’re just messing around. Friends helping each other out. That’s it.”
For one second, Hansol feels a hot surge of irrational anger. Seungkwan is not the casual type, not anymore. Seungkwan deserves to be treated properly, the way he deserves. Romanced and whatever the hell else he wants. He swallows down that red-hot feeling, a little surprised with at his reaction. “Oh,” is all he can offer him. “I guess… I’ll go home then.”
Another awkward pause. “Vernon… Hansol,” Moonbin starts. “Seungkwan cares about you a lot.”
Hansol has no idea what Moonbin means to imply by saying that but suddenly his chest feels very tight. “I care about him too,” he chokes out.
Moonbin sighs. “Yeah. I know, man.”
Hansol barely remembers the train ride home. His takeout - the takeout he had gotten for Seungkwan - has most certainly turned cold in its boxes. Seungkwan will find a way to salvage it, he thinks dully as he unlocks the door. He has the bizarre urge to knock, as if Moonbin and Seungkwan are still going at it on the couch, even though he has confirmation that Moonbin’s long gone.
Yeah, Moonbin’s long gone. Instead, there’s Seungkwan on the couch, dressed in one of Hansol’s shirts and a tiny pair of shorts, a bowl of kimchi jjigae in front of him, quietly scolding Trini for jumping on the table to get at it. Hansol stares for a good moment, unable to reconcile this image of Seungkwan, his Seungkwan, soft and domestic-like, with the wanton creature from earlier, crying during sex on this very couch. But they're one and the same.
He swallows. Hard.
“Oh, Hansol!” Seungkwan’s beaming up at him, waving his chopsticks. “You’re home earlier than I thought, ah… there’s some leftover jjigae on the stove if you want?” His eyes go to Hansol’s takeout bag, pouting a little. “Oh! You already have food…”
“...We can eat it later,” Hansol says evenly, striding to the fridge to put the bag inside. “It’s from that one place you like.” He doesn’t actually have an appetite, and the best course of action would be to bid Seungkwan goodnight, and hide away in his room. But Hansol has never been good at doing what’s good for him, and instead sits beside Seungkwan on the couch, petting Trini absentmindedly. Scully, predictably jealous, meows unhappily from her cat tree across the room.
“You’re welcome to join us, missy!” Seungkwan laughs at her. Hansol says nothing. He’s too lost in Seungkwan. Seungkwan, who looks content and cheery, cheeks flushed, eyes crinkling with his happy smile. He looks pretty, Hansol notes, chest tightening. He looks pretty because this is Seungkwan’s afterglow. How he looks after… after…
“Do you want a bite?” Seungkwan’s raising his chopsticks to Hansol’s face in offering. Hansol isn’t hungry, but there is a ravenous sort of feeling starting to swirl in the pit of his stomach. He accepts the bite, reaching out to clutch one of Seungkwan’s bare thighs to come closer. Seungkwan’s skin is warm and soft, and Hansol, stupidly, clutches at plush flesh for one mindless moment. Seungkwan giggles, pulling his chopsticks away. “Hansol, that tickles,” he says, batting at Hansol’s hand. Hansol moves away, palm tingling.
They spend the rest of the night curled up on the couch, watching a drama. Hansol doesn’t remember a single thing that happens in it.
entry #42: seungkwan has gotten really pretty lately.
For the next week, Hansol is plagued with a bone-deep irritation. Jihoon asks him twice during work if he’s feeling alright: “if you’re feeling overworked, Hansol-ah, it’s okay to take a break.” Hansol doesn’t want to go home, so he adds extra bass to his tracks, scribbles out aggressive lyrics, until Seungcheol forces him out of the studio. Hansol feels aimless. He needs a distraction, but he can’t message his friends. Not without thinking about Hyunggu and Seungyoun’s previous comments about Seungkwan - which immediately makes him want to crawl out of his skin. Even their cats pick up on his terrible vibes, avoiding him as if he’s emitting noxious fumes.
It’s hard for him to sleep nowadays too, which is the only thing that worries Seungkwan. “Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Seungkwan asks anxiously, giving Hansol a cup of tea in his zombie-like state. Hansol only grunts in reply, Seungkwan sighing and patting his hair. Thank God Moonbin stuck to his word and didn’t tell Seungkwan, because he has absolutely no clue why Hansol is so out of sorts. Which is exactly how Hansol wants it to be.
On his day off, he tries to play a video game Chan let him borrow, but his brain keeps whirring. Still circling around Seungkwan.
Contrary to what his sister and friends might think, Hansol isn’t an idiot. He knows what’s bothering him. The whole thing with Seungkwan and Moonbin is bothering him. Seungkwan sleeping with Moonbin. Presumably, still sleeping with Moonbin. Hansol is bothered by it. He’s just… still trying to pin down why he’s so bothered. Moonbin is a good guy, and Hansol should be glad that someone he actually likes is taking care of Seungkwan.
It’s just that. In all their years of friendship, Seungkwan has always told him about the boys he was interested in. Not in detail, but at least who they were. If Seungkwan doesn’t want to disclose some random one-night stand, that’s fine, Hansol understands. He wouldn’t either. But it’s Moonbin. Seungkwan’s closest friend, besides Hansol. He’s never expressed interest in him like that before, and it’s bugging Hansol that Seungkwan hasn’t mentioned at least being attracted to him.
Plus, Seungkwan never messes around with any of his friends. Or Hansol’s. It’s a line he’s unwilling to cross. Seungkwan compartmentalizes, and the assholes he’s involved with are always guys Hansol’s meeting for the first time. At least, that’s what Hansol used to think.
Hansol watches his character on screen die, tossing aside his controller. So much for video games trying to get his mind off Seungkwan. If anything, his irritation has reached a boiling point, spilling over. Because Hansol just doesn’t get it. Seungkwan doesn’t fuck friends. If he really wanted to, why Moonbin? Hansol is right here, willing to give Seungkwan whatever he needs. Doesn’t he already, in all other aspects of their lives? Why did Seungkwan have to go to anyone else for this?
His heart stops when the gravity of his thoughts catch up with him. Oh no.
“Oh no,” he says out loud, throat closing up with panic. Oh no, no no! Hansol’s whole body feels as if it’s free falling, rapidly descending into an abyss that he will not be able to crawl out of. Go back, he begs his mind. Back to before this realization hit. Back to when he was properly ignorant of all the terrible things he desired.
But it’s too late. His personal Pandora’s box has been opened unwillingly, all these thoughts fluttering out, finally free.
Hansol feels numb as Seungkwan from that night flashes back into his mind: his loud cries, his panting mouth. All of it is crystal clear.
The only difference, instead of Moonbin on top of Seungkwan, it’s him. It’s him, Hansol, who is making Seungkwan feel good, fucking him good enough for Seungkwan to cry and shake and cling to him. Hansol feels trapped, as if he’s watching a cinema reel of his darkest, dirtiest desires in a seat he can’t escape from, terrified and thrilled. It’s their damn couch. If anyone should be fucking Seungkwan on it, it’s him.
That last thought lingers in his head, liquifying his brain to absolute nothing. Hansol stares into space for ages, crippled by his realization, until Scully crawls into his lap demanding food.
entry #63: i'm not going to let stupid feelings ruin the best thing in my life rn
Once the thoughts are out there, Hansol can’t control them. Suddenly, all he can think about is Seungkwan, getting his hands on him, sinking his teeth into him. Seungkwan comes home from playing volleyball with his friends, golden skin covered in a sheen of sweat, and Hansol has to fight the urge to pin him against the wall and lick his neck. He burns the vegetables he’s cooking and only half pays attention when Seungkwan scolds him for it, too busy staring at the flush of his cheeks.
“Chwe Hansol, are you listening to me?”
Hansol nods dumbly. Seungkwan sighs, looking over at Scully and Trini, who are both rolling around on the floor. “Your papa is terrible,” he mutters under his breath.
Seungkwan doesn’t know how right he is.
The normal, natural reaction to this would be to limit time spent with Seungkwan, at least until he has his thoughts under control. But clearly Hansol isn’t normal because the thought of leaving Seungkwan alone, even for a second, for Moonbin to swoop in, fills Hansol with ugly, irrational jealousy. He’s determined to monopolize Seungkwan’s time, which works well for him considering Seungkwan has zero problem with Hansol randomly texting him with plans to go out to dinner or visit his sisters. Once Hansol takes up Seungkwan’s offer to do yoga with him, and briefly considers asphyxiation via holding his breath while watching Seungkwan carefully stretch out into the various different poses.
“I told you yoga was harder than it looks,” a very smug Seungkwan tells an exhausted, red-faced Hansol at the end of the session.
“Yup,” Hansol says, watching a drop of sweat roll down Seungkwan’s neck, disappearing beneath his shirt collar.
The worst part is, it’s not just after exercising or showering that Hansol’s uncontrollable lust for Seungkwan surges through his body. It pops up at the most innocuous of times. In the morning when Seungkwan is half-asleep and making them coffee, grumpy and adorable. Hansol can only think about pushing him down on the table, spreading his legs and having Seungkwan for breakfast.
Geez. He didn’t remember being this gross in college. Hansol is, quite frankly, horrified by the voracious intensity of his brain when it comes to Seungkwan.
“Am I a pervert?” he questions out loud, alcohol loosening his lips as always. A group of them are out for karaoke, and a very intoxicated Seungkwan is singing loudly with Seokmin and Soonyoung. Hansol has been perched in the same seat, for the past thirty minutes, staring unabashedly at Seungkwan’s ass. Wondering if hypothetically Seungkwan would be able to stay quiet if Hansol were to steal him away to grope at him in the bathroom. Seungkwan’s loud, so probably not, but even that has his dick twitching with interest in his pants.
Luckily, it’s only Junhui who’s with him to witness his stupid half-confession. He takes it at face-value, as he usually does. “Dunno,” he replies. “Perverts have more fun, Hansol-ah.”
Hansol eyes him before wordlessly lifting his beer glass. Junhui clinks his own against it and they sip simultaneously. Junhui is dragged up by Chan a few minutes later to sing and Seungkwan stumbles over to him.
“Hi drunky,” he greets Seungkwan, who giggles hard before hiccuping.
“Not drunk,” he mumbles back, grabbing hold of Hansol’s shoulder. Hansol should see it coming because Seungkwan is always clingier than usual when he’s drunk, but he still clams up when Seungkwan climbs into his lap, tucking his head under Hansol’s chin. Hansol feels his body temperature go up by about ten degrees and he swallows hard.
Chill out, he thinks aggressively downwards, to his stupid dick. Chill out, chill out, chill out -
“Let’s go home, Sollie,” Seungkwan mumbles sleepily. “I miss… our babies.”
“Okay,” Hansol croaks out. No one even questions when the two of them exit together, Jeonghan and Joshua waving them off cheerfully. Has everyone known? This entire time? Hansol had grown into a person who didn’t care very much about what people thought about him, but he’s thinking about it now. It’s juvenile, but he hopes that people look at them and see something there. That way they’d keep their eyes off Seungkwan.
It’s a bad idea to sleep in Seungkwan’s bed with the filthy, depraved state of his mind right now. But he does anyway, one of Seungkwan’s arms thrown over his waist, curled up against each other. They wake up to their cats yowling loudly outside their door, Seungkwan cursing under his breath. “Ungrateful daughters,” he mumbles as he rolls out of Hansol’s arms to feed the girls. “Terrible children. Did I raise you like this?”
Hansol watches him fuss over their cats with a dopey smile. It takes only a second to identify the tender feeling in his chest, warming him like an old friend. It’s love.
entry #88 i don’t think anyone will ever be more important than seungkwan
Hansol isn’t a kid anymore. He’s well versed with the desperation that comes with love and loss, just a maker of experience. Still, his hands shake a little when he finally messages Sofia, the first person he tells. Pretty sure I love Seungkwan.
Wow this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION, Sofia messages back. Hansol tries to clarify that it’s not platonic, friendly love; it’s the real deal. Sofia immediately calls him.
“Are you having a crisis?” she demands.
“No,” he laughs. “No I’m - I’m fine.”
“Doubt it,” she mutters. “Oppa, if you ever thought for one minute that the love between you and Seungkwan was platonic or friendly, you need to get your brain checked.”
Hansol blinks, a little floored by her comment. “Respect your elders,” is all he manages to say, channeling Seungkwan whenever Chan is being bratty. Sofia cackles loudly into his ear.
There’s no need to tell everyone in his life about his sudden awareness for Seungkwan-related-feelings, but he does have to tell Hyunggu. He doesn’t particularly want to, because he’s not prepared for the gloating “I-told-you-so.” He’s self-aware enough to realize that Hyunggu of all people deserves to hear it, considering how Hansol had snapped at him a year ago for saying what Hansol knows now as the truth.
“You were right,” Hansol says simply, ripping the band-aid off when he’s at Hyunggu’s for wine and movie night.
Hyunggu hums absentmindedly. “I was right…” he repeats slowly. “Yeah! I was right. Remind me what I’m right about.”
Hansol sighs deeply, averting his eyes. “…Seungkwan.”
The yell Hyunggu lets out makes Hansol’s ears ring. The ten minutes of gloating makes him want to go home. But Hyunggu eases up quicker than expected, clearly interested in talking about it more. “So what now?” he asks. “You guys live together, you’re basically married.” Hansol tries to ignore the stab of pleasure that hits him from Hyunggu’s words. Funny how that would’ve embarrassed him a year ago, but just makes him happy now.
Hansol shrugs, sinking back into the couch. “Well, I gotta tell him properly so.” He gnaws at his bottom lip. “If he loves me back, maybe we’ll go get properly married in New York or something…” He trails off, noticing Hyunggu staring at him with an odd gleam in his eye. “What?” he asks, feeling self-conscious. Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned marriage yet.
Hyunggu shakes his head, a genuine smile growing on his face. “You really love him.”
The tops of Hansol’s ears are burning. He clears his throat. “Yeah, but you know that,” he replies, trying not to whine about it.
Hyunggu snickers. “Yeah I do! I’ve been knowing. I’m happy for you man.” He pats Hansol on the shoulder. “I’ve never seen you so sure of your feelings before.”
Hansol shrugs. He’s sure about his feelings, yeah, but Seungkwan’s still remain a mystery. As if reading his mind, Hyunggu snorts loudly. “Don’t worry. There’s no way Seungkwan doesn’t love you back.”
“The heart is a mysterious thing,” Hansol muses. But well, he hopes Hyunggu is right. Hansol doesn’t like thinking too much about the past, about how there were so many little moments that were tinted with the uncertainty of “maybe.” So many little journal entries that he’d scribbled out, determined to forget about it.
But Hansol is closer to thirty than twenty, and he doesn’t have the energy to pretend that he isn’t in love with Seungkwan anymore. He wants to hold his hand in public, and he wants to kiss him when they’re with their friends. Seungkwan already gives him so much, but Hansol wants everything else too, greedy and desperate for it.
All he can hope is that Seungkwan feels the same blistering desire that’s plagued Hansol for longer than he cares to admit.
entry #132: hyunggu doesn't get it. seungkwan is seungkwan. that's it. if i always put him first, that's because he deserves to be put first. that's all.
Hansol wasn’t lying when he said he’d do something about it. The problem is, he’s at a loss. In theory, it feels simple to envision sitting next to Seungkwan at the kitchen table and confessing. But Hansol feels like that isn’t enough. Seungkwan, as practical and pragmatic as he can be, loves romance. Hansol once watched Seungkwan go through an entire online thread of surprise proposals, crying his eyes out. He knows the exact brand of cheesy romance that hits him hardest.
What can he do for Seungkwan? He wants to give him everything, but he’s coming up empty. He asks Sofia for romance movie recommendations, which makes her laugh until she cries. He ends up watching a bunch of American romantic comedies and briefly toys with the idea of standing outside the apartment complex with a boombox. Maybe with a Wonder Girls song, or something. But they’d probably get a noise complaint for that, so he crosses that idea off very quickly.
In the end, it doesn’t matter. When it all spills out, it’s a silly mistake. They’re having Chan and Seungcheol over for dinner, because Seungkwan has finally mastered his cheese tteokbokki dish and naturally, Chan doesn’t believe him. The other couple is coming to watch Seungkwan cook since he’s determined to prove Chan wrong. Hansol is coaxing the cats into his room when Seungkwan comes home with Chan and Seungcheol on his tails.
“Hansollie, we’re here!” he calls out. Hansol sticks his head out to greet the others. Seungcheol’s arms are full of groceries, so he can’t hug Hansol even though Hansol can tell he wants to. Seungkwan presses a carton of ice cream to his hands. “Here, I brought you that flavor you like so much.” Hansol blinks down at the ice cream - it’s a fun brand that does a lot of interesting flavors, and the French Toast one is his favorite. The store by them doesn’t carry them, which means Seungkwan went out of his way to get it for him.
Hansol clutches the ice cream to his chest, suddenly overwhelmed. “Thank you,” is on the tip of his tongue. “I love you,” is what Hansol says instead, stupid with love. Chan swings his head around at his tone of voice, eyes very wide.
“I love you too,” Seungkwan replies easily, not noticing Hansol’s longing puppy eyes as he walks away. “Hyung, come here…” Seungcheol, equally clueless to Hansol’s mental breakdown, follows Seungkwan into the kitchen. But Chan’s clearly noticed, regarding Hansol with some surprised scrutiny.
“What’s going on,” he asks quietly.
The laugh Hansol lets out is not human. “I dunno, Chan.”
“Oh Jesus,” Chan mutters under his breath. “Is this really happening?” Hansol puts the carton to his face, trying to cool off his red cheeks, not knowing how to answer. Chan watches his pathetic display for one more minute and lets out a long, aggrieved sigh. “Seungkwan hyung is gonna kill me,” he sighs out right before raising his voice. “Hyung!” he barks. “We’re leaving!”
Seungcheol looks up from where he’s setting the table with, boggled. “What? But we just got here!”
“We’re leaving,” Chan repeats, backing up into the doorway. Seungkwan comes out of the kitchen with his eyebrows raised high, watching a confused Seungcheol walk over to his boyfriend. Chan shoots Hansol a meaningful look, grabbing Seungcheol by the arm, ignoring his complaints as they both stumble out of the door. Seungkwan turns to him now, hands on his hips, baffled.
“What in the world was that?” he demands, clearly irritated.
“Seungkwan,” Hansol says, trying to get his attention.
“The balls on Lee Chan, really!” Seungkwan is fussing now, pacing around the living room, all cute and flustered in his apron. “First, he insults my cooking skills, then he doesn’t stay for dinner? Ugh!”
Hansol follows him, gently taking his arm. “Seungkwan.”
Seungkwan whips his head around, wild-eyed. “Don’t you even try to defend him, Chwe Hansol I - “
“I love you,” Hansol says again, interrupting. This time, Seungkwan stops to process his words, blinking at him.
“I… love you too?” He comes closer, looking up at Hansol with confusion. “Hansol-ah, what is it?”
Hansol isn’t thinking. Seungkwan looks so cute, lips pursed in a confused pout, that he leans in to kiss him. He means for it to be a gentle, experimental press of the lips, but Seungkwan gasps against his mouth and Hansol deepens it at once, pressing Seungkwan’s body close to his. Seungkwan melts in his arms, kissing him back, and there’s no other word to describe it other than perfect. Seungkwan’s perfect, his mouth is perfect, his body is perfect, and Hansol wants to kiss him all over. It’s this thought that has him licking into Seungkwan’s mouth, tongue lightly touching Seungkwan’s. The tiny noise Seungkwan lets out turns Hansol’s already fuzzy mind into soup and he snakes one hand down to squeeze suggestively at Seungkwan’s hip.
It’s dizzyingly hot and perfect. That’s why, the last thing Hansol expects is for Seungkwan to abruptly break the kiss, shoving Hansol off him hard. Seungkwan’s face is twisted with agony and before Hansol can ask him what’s wrong, Seungkwan slaps him. He’s so stunned that he’s rooted to the ground as Seungkwan runs away from him.
By the time Hansol regains his facilities, Seungkwan’s already locked his door and won’t come out. No matter how much Hansol begs him to.
entry #148: shannon said i didn't know what i wanted. but i do know. i want to make music. and i want to be with seungkwan.
Seungkwan is avoiding him. He’s an expert at giving the silent treatment, Hansol knows this well enough, and has always been the one to apologize for their petty squabbles first. But he doesn’t think Seungkwan’s ever intentionally ignored him like this before, and Hansol doesn’t care for this shit at all. The downside for living together and Seungkwan knowing every bit of his schedule is that he knows how to ghost him too. Seungkwan rarely comes home anymore and when he does, he goes straight to his room, door locked and lights off. He won’t answer Hansol’s texts or calls either, and one week of it is enough to drive him completely insane.
It’s underhanded to use Chan, but Hansol has no choice. And honestly at this point, he doesn’t care anymore. He has to talk to Seungkwan. Just tell him we’re spending the day together, he texts Chan. Hansol can take care of the rest.
A classic ambush. Hansol waits in his room on the Saturday Seungkwan thinks he’s out with Chan, and waits for the sound of the door opening, their cats meowing loudly in greeting. His heart feels too big for his body, a balloon ready to burst, but he steels his nerves as he exits his room.
The look on Seungkwan’s face when he catches sight of him, panicked and pale, breaks Hansol’s heart. “Please don’t run,” he says before Seungkwan can take a single step. “Seungkwan… please, I’m sorry if I upset you. I’m begging you to just talk to me.”
Seungkwan looks down at his feet for a long time. When he finally speaks, his voice is very faint. “I know. Hansol, I know you would never hurt me on purpose. I just… I can’t.”
Hansol steps closer, eagerly drinking in the sound of Seungkwan speaking. “You can’t…?” he prompts, a silent gesture for Seungkwan to continue. If Seungkwan wants to move on from this, Hansol will do it despite his heartbreak, but he just wants to know why. He won’t be able to get any closure if he doesn’t.
Seungkwan lets out a little huff. “Hansol, please. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Hansol shakes his head, letting out a frantic little laugh. “We… have to talk about it, Seungkwan-ah. I kissed you,” and he kissed him back! “and then you ignored me for a whole week.”
Seungkwan looks up at that, lips thinned out. “I’m sorry I slapped you.”
Oh jeez. Hansol could care less about the slap. He’ll let Seungkwan slap him a dozen times if he gets the damn truth out of him. “Boo Seungkwan.”
“Chwe Hansol,” Seungkwan shoots, crossing his arms in a defensive posture. Hansol says nothing, watching him speculatively, Seungkwan squirming and shifting on his feet. It’s only a matter of time. Hansol just has to be patient. And sure enough, Seungkwan’s irritation at Hansol’s silence and the whole situation finally explodes.
“What do you want me to say?” Seungkwan demands. “Hansol, I can’t. I can’t. ” Again, Hansol wants to ask Seungkwan what exactly it is he can’t do, but Seungkwan barrels on, full of fire now. “I know we live together, and I’m – I’m convenient but! There are some things in this life I can’t give you, Chwe Hansol!” The righteous indignation seems to seep out of Seungkwan at that phrase and he slumps a little. “Please don’t ask me to.”
Hansol’s throat tightens. He can feel his heart beating and breaking in every inch of his body. “You think I kissed you because you’re convenient?” he says shakily. “Is that what you think of me?”
The genuine hurt in his voice makes Seungkwan flinch. “That’s! That’s not what I’m saying - I just think…” He takes a deep shuddering breath. “Look. It makes sense. Hansollie’s been single for a while, you must be lonely - and I know that I’m right here so - “
“I’m not lonely,” Hansol interrupts. “I have you.”
Seungkwan lets out a frustrated squawk, coming close so that he can poke at Hansol’s chest hard with his index finger. “See, that! That, when you talk like that! How am I supposed to feel about it? It gets my hopes up!”
Hansol’s hopes are up too. Two minutes ago, he thought Seungkwan was preparing to reject him. But now he seems upset that… Hansol kissed him as what, a consolation prize? That doesn’t make sense. Hansol needs to fix this, right now.He takes hold of Seungkwan’s shoulders. “Let me make it clear,” he says slowly. “I kissed you, because I love you. Love you as in, let’s get married and adopt three more cats.”
Seungkwan falters, mouth dropping open. Hansol lets him process this, fingers flexing against Seungkwan’s shoulders. He wants to bring Seungkwan close and embrace him. He wants to kiss him again and again and again.
“Stop making that face,” Seungkwan hisses angrily, though it’s at odds with his flushed cheeks.
Hansol dares to come closer. Seungkwan lets him, and his heart starts stitching itself back together. “What face?”
“You know what face!” Seungkwan closes his eyes, shaking his head back and forth. “I’m dreaming. This is a dream.”
“If it’s a dream, can I kiss you?”
Seungkwan’s eyes fly back open. “Hansol!” he gasps, scandalized. Hansol slides his hands from Seungkwan’s shoulders to his waist, bringing him flush against him. Seungkwan braces his hands against Hansol’s chest, pouting up at him.
Hansol inhales sharply. Time to let it all out. “I think that I’ve loved you for a really long time, Seungkwan. Even when I was with other people. I just don’t think I let myself realize it.” Seungkwan makes a wounded noise at that. “And I’m pretty sure you love me too, Boo Seungkwan.”
Seungkwan grips tightly at his shirt. He looks lost. “It wasn’t allowed,” he murmurs slowly. “You were my best friend, you always had people chasing after you. How could I ever compare to anyone you’ve had, huh?” Seungkwan’s voice drops to a whisper. “Only in my dreams. I could only have Hansollie in my dreams. It was only supposed to be…”
Hansol thinks he’s going to cry. It takes a long moment for him to find his voice, and when he does it’s trembling. “Stop dreaming,” he whispers. “I’m right here. It took too long, I’m sorry, but I’m right here.”
Seungkwan starts crying now and Hansol presses a quivering kiss to his cheek. He moves up to brush his mouth against the corner of Seungkwan’s eye, catching a tear, and Seungkwan melts into his arms as he presses soft, airy kisses all over his face. “Tell me,” he begs. “Tell me, please.”
“I love you,” Seungkwan whimpers. “I’ve loved you for so long, I don’t know how to stop.”
Hansol closes his eyes, the relief and elation sweeping through him so strong he feels lightheaded. Everything he’s ever wanted is right here in his arms. He’s not going to let go. “Don’t stop,” he says, taking hold of Seungkwan’s chin. “Just let me love you back. Okay?”
He waits for Seungkwan to nod before he finally kisses him again.
entry #177: nothing is more important than love. nothing. i didn't want stupid feelings to ruin anything, but my feelings were never stupid in the first place. i'm done with being stupid now.
To Seungkwan’s outrage, Chan wins big in their friends’ years-long betting pool for when he and Hansol would finally get together. Hansol isn’t sure if Seungkwan is angrier about the betting pool existing or Chan winning. Part of Hansol wants to say that Chan had extra information the rest wasn’t privy to, but he decides to stay silent in gratitude instead. After all, Chan had helped them get together in the first place.
God. They’re together. Hansol doesn’t think he’ll ever stop being amazed over it. It’s incredible how everything is the same but somehow so different. They still have the little life they’ve built together in their apartment with their cats and their Sunday afternoon chores. Only now, Hansol gets to sleep in the same bed as Seungkwan every night, without needing to find an excuse for it. Only now, he gets to kiss Seungkwan on the mouth, cheek, and temple, any time he likes, even if their friends let out catcalls every time he does so.
Only now, he gets to have Seungkwan in his bed, naked and panting for him, whenever he’s craving him. And Hansol has been hungry for him for a very long time.
“You’re a pervert,” Seungkwan accuses, from his place sprawled underneath Hansol. Hansol had already spent nearly an hour kissing every bit of Seungkwan’s naked skin, teasing his nipples into pebbled peaks with his mouth and sucking dark hickeys into his inner thighs. Hansol personally likes to eat Seungkwan out before he fucks him, because Seungkwan makes such cute noises when he does, but he’s probably played too much with him already.
As expected, Seungkwan bucks his hips up impatiently, erection swollen and leaking, and Hansol bends down to lick teasingly at the head. “I’ll fuck myself if you don’t!” Seungkwan snaps, kicking lightly at Hansol’s side.
“Sorry,” Hansol says, not really meaning it, as he fishes for the lube on the side. One day, Seungkwan will let him spend as much time as he wants worshiping his body. For now, Seungkwan wants to get fucked, and Hansol can do that for him.
Seungkwan turns shy when Hansol kisses him as he starts opening him up. He drives Hansol crazy with his duality: how eager he gets with his legs spread wide for Hansol, soft hole welcoming his lubed fingers but too self-conscious to meet Hansol’s eyes as he does it, begging to be kissed to distraction. Seungkwan has been properly his for only a few months, in which they’ve had a lot of passionate, intense sex, but Hansol feels like he learns something new every time. Seungkwan cries for real when he’s getting fucked hard. Seungkwan doesn’t want to have sex anywhere near the cats. Seungkwan gets hot for it in public if Hansol whispers something dirty in his ear.
“Cutie,” Hansol mumbles into his mouth, crooking his fingers up, making Seungkwan gasp. Hansol adores every little noise he can wring out of Seungkwan and would gladly finger him for hours to document all of them for his memory. He tells Seungkwan this, just so he can delight in the little embarrassed whine Seungkwan lets out.
“Stooop it,” he whines. Hansol shakes his head, rubbing his nose affectionately against Seungkwan’s. So cute. He wants to tease a little more but Seungkwan lifts his hips again, impatiently rubbing against Hansol’s own neglected cock, and he groans instead. Okay, he gets it. No more teasing.
Every time Hansol presses into Seungkwan, he’s overwhelmed by the wave of emotions that hit him. Awe, that he’s finally able to do this. Gratitude, that Seungkwan is letting him. And love, so much love spilling out of him, there’s no choice but to give it all to Seungkwan. He holds Seungkwan’s hips steady as he slides all the way in, hissing at Seungkwan’s tight heat enveloping his cock. Seungkwan fists the sheets in response, breathing raggedly. “Okay?” Hansol asks softly, keeping still to check on Seungkwan.
Seungkwan nods, eyes fluttering. “Uh-huh,” he sighs, blissful already. “Feels good, Sol-ah.” Just from being full of Hansol’s cock. Oh wow. Hansol is going to explode.
He rocks in with slow, lazy thrusts, watching the pleasure light up Seungkwan's face. "You're obsessed with each other," Jihoon had told him with a disgusted expression a few weeks after he and Seungkwan told all their friends. And yeah, that's accurate. Hansol is obsessed with learning every new micro-expression Seungkwan has for him, especially like this.
"Mmm," Seungkwan moans happily, arching up into his touch. He opens his eyes to peek up at Hansol, biting his lip. Hansol wants to devour him whole. "Wh-why are you going so slow?" Seungkwan asks in a breathy voice, reaching out for Hansol.
Hansol takes his hand and kisses his fingers. "Maybe I just like seeing you enjoy it," he replies cheekily, snapping in hard once, making Seungkwan whimper. He pays for it when Seungkwan clenches down tighter on purpose, hissing a little in between his teeth. Sparks of pleasure light up down his spine, and Seungkwan looks very smug.
"I am enjoying myself," he says, saccharine-sweet, the sound going straight to Hansol's dick. Seungkwan lets go of Hansol's hand to grab hold of his shoulder, pulling Hansol down so that he can kiss him, biting playfully at Hansol's bottom lip.
Hansol’s heart starts beating at a crazy, frantic rhythm, so he decides to cut the bullshit and fuck Seungkwan at the same intense pace. Seungkwan lets out a startled gasp before it turns into a loud, needy moan, throwing his head back. Hansol loves this part of sex, loves how gorgeous Seungkwan looks when he’s making him feel good. It fills him with a very primitive, caveman-like pride to know that he's the reason why Seungkwan is losing his mind. It’s why no matter how good Seungkwan’s ass looks in other positions, he likes to have Seungkwan on his back best.
“You’re so perfect,” Hansol pants into the scant bit of air between their mouths, fucking Seungkwan harder so he can’t argue with him. “I’m so lucky, I can’t believe it. Feels so good.”
“Aaah, Hansol!” Seungkwan cries out, close to the edge already. That’s a given, considering how Hansol was teasing him earlier. He lets out the sweetest noises with each of Hansol’s thrusts, tugging at his own nipples to prolong his pleasure, which makes Hansol’s hips falter. “Don’t stop!” Seungkwan wails so Hansol leans over him, pins his wrists to the mattress and slams into him until Seungkwan comes all over himself with a broken cry.
“Oh Kwannie,” Hansol groans, kissing his wet face. He smooths his hands down Seungkwan’s shaking body, cooing at him, still deep inside. “Is it too much sweetheart? I’ll pull out.”
Seungkwan shakes his head stubbornly, locking his legs around Hansol’s waist to trap him. “No, not yet.” His mouth furls into a petulant pout. Hansol wants to kiss him so badly. “I don’t want you to go.”
Hansol’s heart flutters. “Not going anywhere.” he promises, succumbing to the urge and kissing him fondly. Seungkwan wriggles beneath him until Hansol gets the memo and starts moving again, much slower than before. Seungkwan is clearly oversensitive because he starts whining again, but refuses to let Hansol go.
“I just wanna keep you inside,” Seungkwan babbles mindlessly, features twisted with pain and pleasure, “that way you’re always with me.” Tears are dripping down his face and he blanches for a second, as if embarrassed by his words. That won’t do, so Hansol leans down to lick playfully at his cheeks.
“But I’m always with you, Seungkwan,” he murmurs. He tweaks at a nipple, before pressing a palm down on Seungkwan’s chest right as he pushes his cock as deep as he can. “Right here.”
Seungkwan laughs through a moan. “Stupid man,” he grits out, digging his nails into Hansol’s shoulders.
“Yeah,” Hansol sighs, grinding his cock into Seungkwan’s prostate with unhurried rolls of his hips. “Your stupid man.”
“My stupid man,” Seungkwan sighs back dreamily, losing his mind again. Hansol lets his hands wander all over Seungkwan’s body, squeezing and rubbing as he likes, until he reaches the end too. Coming deep into the warm clutch of Seungkwan’s body with a relieved groan.
“There you go,” Seungkwan murmurs, clenching down as Hansol rides out his orgasm. Hansol litters dozens of adoring kisses all over Seungkwan’s face until he softens inside him, sliding out of Seungkwan. Hansol rubs at Seungkwan's swollen, open rim, pushing the trickles of cum spilling out of Seungkwan back inside. Seungkwan indulges him for only a few minutes before he's demanding for Hansol to "stop being a pervert, and clean me up already."
“You’re so cheesy,” Seungkwan whines afterwards as Hansol diligently cleans him up, stopping every now and then to press kisses up Seungkwan's legs. “So cheesy, I can’t stand it.”
Hansol pouts. "But I love you," he whines, nuzzling Seungkwan's belly. Seungkwan softens at once, hands resting in his hair, tweaking at his ear.
"I love you too," Seungkwan murmurs back. Hansol doesn't think he'll ever tire of hearing Seungkwan say that to him. It'll always be his favorite words. "But you're still cheesy."
Hansol makes an agreeable noise. “So cheesy, I wrote you a song,” he replies, changing the subject. Seungkwan snorts, until he realizes Hansol isn’t joking, sitting up at once.
“What?” he demands. “Show me!”
Hansol laughs at his eagerness. “You don’t want to cuddle?” he asks. Seungkwan loves cuddling in the aftermath, prone to sulking when Hansol initiates a quickie that doesn’t leave enough time for it. Seungkwan lets out a “hmph!” shoving Hansol to the side. He slides off the bed on shaky legs, walking towards Hansol’s desk.
“Which notebook is it in?” he asks, opening the drawer where Hansol’s regular journal is. Hansol’s heart jumps when Seungkwan picks it up, turning to him with a curious expression. “I recognize this one, but you’ve never showed it to me…”
Hansol swallows. Of course Seungkwan recognizes it. Hansol has used the same type of mini notebook that Seungkwan gifted to him all those years ago, specifically so that he wouldn’t get it mixed up with his other notebooks for lyrics. “You gave me the same one in high school. Remember?”
Seungkwan blinks before recognition dawns. “Oh my god, yeah!” He looks down at the notebook, then back to Hansol, eyes sparkling. “You still journal?” he asks, voice warm with affection.
Hansol blushes. It’s nothing compared to Seungkwan, who still finds time to write in his journal properly every night. But yeah, he does. Seungkwan was right, like he always is. “You can read it, if you want.” He has nothing to hide from Seungkwan, not anymore. To his surprise, Seungkwan puts the journal back in the drawer and closes it shut. He comes back to bed, crawling into Hansol’s arms and snuggling close.
“No,” he murmurs, “I know everything I need to. Don’t I?”
Hansol feels warm. Yeah, he does. Anything else Seungkwan wants to know, Hansol will tell him.
entry #218: maybe the worst part of love is not being able to express it entirely. don’t worry. i’m gonna tell seungkwan how much i love him every day for the rest of our lives.