Chapter Text
He sat.
He sat and he stared for what seemed to be hours. The roof was leaving harsh imprints on his palms, and his legs had long fallen asleep. And yet, he stayed and sat and stared at the vast darkness of the sky, the bright flecks of stars separating the dark.
He thought of what it must be like, to become one with the night sky. What it must be like, to disappear completely, never to be seen again. To no longer be mortal, to no longer suffer how mortal men do. He thought of it, and he yearned for it. He yearned and craved it like nothing before.
He sucked a breath in harshly, the air whistling passed his lips. The cigarette warmed his fingers.
He thought of how, if he was gone, he’d never have to feel anything ever again. He’d never have to face the abandonment that still ate away at his soul, he’d never have to face the pressure that crushed him like it's own force of gravity, and he’d never have to face a single punishment ever again.
And really, wouldn’t he be doing the world a favor? His brother would no longer be tormented by his face roaming the halls, and his parents would have one less son to be disappointed in. His professors would have one less student to teach, and his peers would have one less pureblood to tiptoe around. His friends, few and far between as they were, wouldn’t have to worry over him anymore, or entertain him when he knew they wished he wasn’t around. He’d be removing a burden from everyone.
His exhale left a plume of smoke in the air, hovering about him.
And, if not a favor for the world, it at least wouldn’t cause anymore pain or burden to the world. He was already a ghost in his own life, so to disappear wouldn’t even cause a stir. Everything would be just as it’d always been, and he’d get relief. He wouldn't be missed, he barely even existed as it was.
But, truly, he was selfish. Neither of those reasons mattered much to him. What mattered most was that it’d be a favor to himself. He could escape for good, and never have to feel again. He could be free, if he could become nothing. He couldn’t bear to face the future being forced upon him, or the present he was living in. Even the past had no light or hope in it.
His mother, having grown much more fanatical since his brother’s departure, was insistent on what his role would be, come the holidays. He’d become a follower of a madman. He’d be expected to do all sorts of things, he was sure, each more cruel than the last. His cousin had already begun teaching him the Unforgivables last break. His prowess during those lessons only sealed his fate further. He knew what was coming, and he knew there was only one way to escape it.
Either way, he’d be signing his life away forever. Either way, he’d never again be who he was, at this moment.
The cold of the night air sunk into his skin, and yet he didn't pay it any mind. The cold of December, up on the roof of the Astronomy Tower, matched how he felt, deep at his core. The cold sunk into his bones and his heart. The breeze ruffled his hair, his curls falling into his eyes every few minutes.
He stubbed his cigarette out onto the roof tiles below him. He stood shakily, dusting his hands off his pants as he did so. The breeze went straight through the layers of his clothing, his robes fluttering against the sky. He took a moment to look at the brightest star in the sky, his brother’s namesake. It was the star he had spoken to almost every night since his brother left, wishing he could’ve spoken to the real person.
He whispered a wish to it tonight.
“I wish, in a different life, you and I could’ve been together. I wish we could’ve been real brothers.”
He was three steps from the edge.
It was as much of a goodbye as Sirius would ever get from him. He felt a sense of peace, of clarity. The closer he got to the edge of the roof, the more sure he became. This was his fate. He was never destined to be any more than a ghost slipping through his childhood. He was never going to grow up, or become anything great. He'd never become great, and he'd never become brave. This ending was perfectly fit for him and his life. He was nothing but a shadow, extinguished by his own hand.
As he stepped closer to the edge, he let his thoughts drift away. They were carried away from him by the wind, his body swaying to the whims of Nature.
He was two steps from the edge.
This was his only path. This is what was meant for him, all along. It was always going to end this way, by his own hand. He was always going to take the coward’s way out. It was only a matter of now or later, and he couldn’t wait any longer. All that waited in life was misery, and at least, this way, he’d have eternal peace.
A smile, small and calm, flitted across his face as he stopped walking. Freedom was only one step away. He took one more moment, just one, to stare at the beauty of the world. He gazed out at the sky, then the Forbidden Forest, saying a small goodbye to all the creatures there he had become acquainted with over the years. He said goodbye to the moon and the stars, to the grass across the campus. Finally, he said goodbye to Hogwarts herself, having become so close to her and her magic, close enough to alter the safety charms on the tower he stood upon.
Having said goodbye, smile still firmly on his face, Regulus Black closed his eyes and stepped off the roof of the Astronomy Tower.