A Page From Their Books

by IndexTheIdiot

Summary:

A series of a page from each guests' book. From a joyful moment to the day they finally broke.

Notes:

Gonna put a big note here that this series is most likely gonna be written when I'm trying to fall asleep, cause I'll be in a state of too tired to write but awake enough to think, so apologies if the quality isn't up to normal standards.

Chapter 1: Lenny : Surgeon

     Don't remember how young I was. Young enough to remember things at least. Mom and Pop left me to go organ harvesting, though they just called it work. Probably been a few hours at that point that I got bored enough to leave the tent made of dirty rags we called home. Wandering around the streets, hadn't passed any sickos that were fucked up in the head enough lay a hand on a child, thankfully. 

     Found a man dressed in a white coat kneeling next to a corpse. He looked so focused on his task yet he caught glimpse of me watching from behind a collapsed wall. Patting the ground next to him with a smile before getting back to work. I was taught well not to talk to strangers but I had a gut feeling I wasn't gonna end up bleeding. 

     I knelt next to him watching as he made careful cuts around organs I didn't know the names of. Removing bones that were in the way of the piece of flesh he desired to take for himself. His hands were so delicate and steady.

     The man started to talk. At first I thought he was talking to himself though I soon realized he was explaining each step and reason for cutting the ways he did to me. From then on, I paid close attention. Listening to everything he said and watching each and every movement of his hands. 

      Once he was satisfied with his keep, he closed up the large bag he had settled on his other side. He turned to me and with a smile said 'I'll be around Lead Street sometime tomorrow.' Not a single word else before standing up and leaving. I sat there for some time after; thinking.

      Also every day from the day I met Mister White Coat, I would go and watch him butcher bodies while my parents were out. We would never actually talk to each other. He would teach and I would learn. 

      Weeks later, I'm sure, he knelt next to a corpse. Not a single cut seen on its body. He smiled at me and handed me his blades. Shifting out of the way and gesturing for me to take his spot. 

      I felt so ready yet nervous at the idea of putting what I learned to work. Taking the position he normally worked in along with a deep breath. I took the blade and started to make the first cut. My hands…my hands were perfectly steady. Something I found disturbing at the time but fell too far into the swing of things to think about it. Reciting everything I did as if it was second nature. 

     My pants and most of my sleeves were covered in blood at the end. The man took his blades from me before giving me a pat on the back. And for once, I felt proud of myself. 

     He gave me the money for what the organs were worth. I was something, something that would help keep my family afloat. But…but I truly didn't want to stay like that. I didn't want to have to be a rat and scavenge for scrapes of meat. I wanted more of what I had. And for some damn reason, Mister White Coat knew that too. Because he asked me 'Ever thought about being a doctor, maybe a surgeon?' And you know what I said? 'No, but I wanna try!' And for once, I returned a smile to him. 

      I hate that man. I hate that man for giving me that stupid idea. I hate him for somehow making me believe I was smart. I hate him for motivating me to reach my dream further. 

 

Chapter 2: Mang-Chi: Hammer and Nail

     I got three brothers. Two older and one younger. Older two are twins. Ya think my parents would have stopped after getting a double instead of a single but nope. Had me and my little bro, Mos. We were closer compared to the others. Though, what else could you expect from the youngest of a group of four? 

     He nagged me alot but I wasn't expecting anything different. Ma and Pa kept us home together all the time cause they didn't want their youngest alone. I was the age they put my older brothers to work to support the family. Yeah, I was glad I didn't have to bust my ass doing work like cutting up bodies. Less risk of getting shanked too. Our little home was a dead end alley that split off from one connecting to the street. It was located in a busy part of the Dis where people didn't like checking alleyways unless they were prepared. Good for hiding but was shit for being able to get equipment and supplies since it was harder to get kills and not have someone steal the body from ya.

      My older brothers and parents had left to work. I was laying on my raggedy blanket of a bed with Mos running around. Nice to see he was happy but damn he was loud. Giggling and calling for my attention. Never liked to talk when it was just us. We were both kids and there was no way in hell we could win a fight against anybody. Hearing some giggles echoing from an alleyway probably didn't sounds like a friendly invitation but I would rather not take chances having someone get curious and come looking for the source.

     Mos finally got tired of me ignoring him that he stomped over to me and sat on my chest. He was a skinny thing but still wasn't nice having him sit on me. We got into a staring contest after that. Well, it was more of just staring at each. Not that I would be complaining over that. Kept him quiet. 

      He got tired after about a minute and started to yell at me. 'Mang!' 'Chi-chi!' 'Stop ignoring me!' And a bunch of other crap he learned from Pa's mouth. Annoying as shit but I didn't throw a fit over it till a heard people folks chattering and their footsteps. Ain't gonna lie, it was hard to hear over loud mouth's yelling but, I do have good hearing. 

     I pushed him off me and covered his mouth with my hand. Mos wanted to argue, I could tell just by the look on his face. However, he knew damn well I didn't pull shit like that unless something was up. 

      Sounded like they were cannibals. A rare case for outside Dis 23. Looking around our dead end home, I rushed over with my little bro in my arms to a full trash bag. What our family kept our messes. Wasn't tied up yet so we were able to climb in. Mos wasn't happy with that but there was no time for him to bitch and complain. 

      I kept him underneath me as well as hand over his mouth. As annoying and carefree he could be, all you had to do was wave death in front of him to cry. My hand was covered in his tears in no time. He was trying hard to be quiet. Gripping onto me like I was…ah….whatever those things are called that people squeeze when they're stressed. 

      One of those fuckers kicked the bag once. Startling as all hell. But thankfully, it was on the opposite side we were. They left soon after that, though we didn't leave the bag. Any bit of nudging I did only resulted in Mos crying more and gripping me tighter. He was mumbling alot that I didn't all catched, only mostly stuff like 'I love you Mangy!'. And…I don't think I responded to any of it. 

     Our parents and brothers found us once they got back. And honestly, at the time, I never seen them that scared in my life. Mos kept himself attached to me. While I slept, while I ate and basically anything I did. It was annoying, yeah but, he's my little bro. I love him lots and do anything for him. Wish I could of had him around longer though…

      

 

 

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 3: Pete: Memento mori

      A proper Syndicate would have been nice. Yeah. But, I ain't gonna lie. I would've like to get some of a Finger's skin under my nails. Grab their necks and squeeze their necks with both my hands. Ironic considering I wanna be in one. But hell, the City's so fucked up, a stunt like that might have gotten me place. Or get me killed. Well, can't be killed twice.

      Always imagined killing someone from either the Thumb or Index. Thumb always got under my skin with how strict their sorry asses are. Index, probably the same reason. Following those Prescripts as if that supposed Man upstairs gave them out. But you know, they were both the Fingers I wanted to join most. Maybe that's why I wanna kill them most. They had something I didn't. Something I wanted. I wanna sit at the head of a table, barking orders and silencing anyone who didn't listen. I wanna guide people who walk around with stupid blindfolds on and lead them like a leader. 

     Though, as much I want the position of a Sottocapo or a Proxy, I want to kill their subnoriantes more. Not the Capi of the Thumb. The Soldati and the Proselytes. Giving in to a greater force and being kicked around like the dogs we all are. How could they live to stand that? Has the world broken them that much they ain't gonna strive to climb the ladder of life? I get people can settle for that but if you managed to get yourself in with a Finger, why not try to become more? Sure, some got those ambitions but I am fairly damn well sure they won't be crying a river if their dreams don't come true. That's why I want to kill them the most. Though, I'm already six feet under. Ain't gonna happen unless you string up my body and play me like a marionette. You aren't a sick enough fuck to do that. 

       Or maybe you are. Either way, I'll never know. Won't be unhappy if you don't and won't hate you do. 

     Though, got to wonder, are you like me? Person…reading this? Think that's what you are meant to do with those anyway. Granted, think I only heard of them just now…or right before I took my last breath. 

      Do you got a dream? Probably fucked up to say this considering what happened to me but, go for it. A dream is only a dream if you let it be. If it gets ya killed, least you can say is you tried. And who knows, maybe you'll come back being the person you wanted to be. 

 

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 4: Finn: 'For You, Anything'

      I miss my sister alot. She's done alot for me and I couldn't possibly be more thankful for the chances she has given me. I…I only wish I could've repaid all that's she's given me…Mr. Yun always said that the world is cruel and that I shouldn't act so childishly. My sister kept me blind to the world. Keeping a silk blindfold on at all times. It was meant to protect me yet I could still see through it. Not completely though. Couldn't see through all the little white lies she told me. All the lies that were bigger then the City itself. I could see something was a lie but not if it was her lie. Ah, that's not right…um…how to explain…if…if it was a lie like…don't know how to put it.

      I only talked to Eri a few times but kinda read me like my sis did. Said I was a dreamer…like my sis did. But ah…here I go trying to explain something again. Though I think I know how…The way Eri said it felt more like she was calling me a wishful person. I was wishing for something but I wasn't trying to get there. Maybe that's not what she meant by it…She seems nice so I don't think she meant it as I was never gonna reach the goal I wanted. Back of track though; the way my sister said it sounded like it was a good thing. Like she was happy I was striving for something! Sis gave me everything I ever had. My clothing, my equipment, my happiness….All I ever wanted was to return all the kindest she has ever given me. Ainle…my big sis…

     I think I figured out how to explain the different lies. Ones my sis made were…made by her. And the other lies are ones I made. Not made myself exactly. I don't…I didn't have the heart to ever lie to her. Young, yeah. Bit of a troublemaker when I was younger. Nothing really bad though. Stealing some of her homemade milk cupcakes before dinner…well, before any meal. She is a good cook after all. Better then anyone else. Big sis was the best….

      Ah, I got sidetracked. Getting back to before…I meant I knew when she lied to me about certain things like when she came home with a funny mark on her neck and her face was tear stained saying it was because of her burning herself with her bracelet seeing it was made of metal. But other things like when I saw a couple of cuts on her wrist. I didn't tell her I noticed them or asked about them. They are cuts from stray cats or dogs she tries to help sometimes. That's always been the truth. My truth. And I really do believe that's true. But it feels like it's not. But I know it is true. It is. 

       Ainle…Big Sis would always wake me up with a smile and a hug. Always the best part of waking up. Was the best part anyway. They were bear hugs always too. Sometimes I'd joke saying she would bewr my bones. Each time she would laugh. More sometimes then others. Sometimes it sounded like she was forcing it too. 

      I…I want to make sure Big Sis will be ok. In fact, I know she will be! She's the best after all! Any storm she could thunder! And I'm sure she can sail to the next island when she learns I won't be coming home…I'm sure. She'll still be able to hold her head high! And most of all, smile. 

 

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 5: Eri: Will and Desire

      I was always closer to my dad compared to my mom. My interests were always more align with what he liked rather then her. Drinking, sports games, Fixer work. I would be lying if I said I didn't have anything in common with my ma though. Hairdressing. Brash and augmentation head me liking hairdressing. My friends found it strange too. But hey, they never complained once they looked drop dead gorgeous. Making their natural hair look like that one fairy tale where those woodland creatures dressed up that girl. Not the same style I mean. Hell, I think it looks ugly. I mean in the magicalness of it.

      Actually, it was my part time job when that goddamn Yun didn't have a job for me. Made some extra cash to use on adding fancy changes and augments. Then I could work for a better office then that dead end one. That man couldn't even keep up with his rent. Probably good he died too. Put some people out of work but I'm sure they can find much better Offices anyway. And not to say that I blame him that much for the troubles. Our office isn't one people normally go to with high paying jobs. For fucks sake, that new kid Finn was looking for a goddamn cat as a job. Who wants to do that every day for the rest of their damn life? I don't. I may be six foot younger but…but I'll still keep on that notion. That I never want to have settled for a boring life. 

       My pa wanted me to be a Fixer. And no, I'm saying he was one of those parents that pushed me into the job. He made it sound so amazing. Being so strong and able to take on anything that came his way. Granted, I was seven when I really got into wanting to be in Fixer biz so any word he told me about it was the holy gospel. I wanted to be like that too And with how easy getting those augments are, I was sure I would be a kickass Fixer like him. Grade 3 he was. Don't remember who he worked under though that was and still isn't important to me. He was a Grade 3 for a reason. And you know what? I'm really tired of people saying you don't have to be strong to get that high of Grade. Of course you have to be. Can't get good jobs nor could you even complete them if you don't got the power to back ya. 

       You can't be a Color if you just got jobs with finding cats and doing hair. That isn't how it works. Got to be able to bite and fight. My dad put it best. 'In a dog eat dog world, you should always be the first to bite.' Never completely understood what he meant till much later in life. This job. The one that got me in a book now. No one knows too much about the 'Library'. So, in a way, I was one of the first to bite. And clearly, we see where that got me. You know how I said how I was closer to my dad then my mom? Well, I always took his advice over hers too. 'In a dog eat dog world, be the one to watch.' Similar to dad's but with a much more passive outlook. While everyone else is at each other's necks, be the one to watch them do it. Don't get involved in the fighting and death. That's what it means to me. Though, its got a contrasting look compared to my dad's, he always insisted on taking it to heart. I still don't know why. But hey, I got plenty of time to think about it in my grave. 

      

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 6: Yun: Oxyfuel Cutting

       Exploitation happens every second of every day. Strangers do it to strangers. Friends do it to friends. Families do it to each other. No one is ever close to each other anymore. You get married for money or for the tax breaks. Maybe even for the sex too. Though, you can just get that from a hooker on the street. Granted, don't know how clean they'll be but that's a chance you are gonna have to take. 

      Me? Never did that kind of stuff. Had a wife if I wanted something like that. And I don't mean that like I don't have her anymore cause I'm dead. We got divorced about a year ago. Both of us thought it was the best. We weren't that type of couple that kicked the shit out of each other and called it healthy. In fact, our marriage was quite nice. I worked all day at the Office and she worked at a bar. My hours were during the day and hers were at night. Didn't leave much time to see each other though. Probably got an hour or so a day to spend time with each other. Sit together, eat together, cuddle, fuck and talk about how much hot shit we were in. The Office wasn't getting any good jobs and she wasn't making good enough tips to say it was worthwhile. The boss paid her yeah, less than the others but by my ex's words not mine, 'They're riding the band wagon all to the dirty money.' 

     Her analogies we're always a bit strange. She wasn't educated, dropped out of school when she was fifthteen. I stayed in school, but I failed most of my classes so I'm not saying I'm the sharpest tool in the shed either. But at least with her, she had some bit of intelligence in her. 

      The more we talked about the financial troubles we had, the worse things got between us. We both started stealing shit from each other to sell off. Her stockings, my cigar boxes, her few pieces of jewelry, my metal cufflinks. That charade only got us so far before we were to the clothes on our backs. My office was barely afloat at the time, just like it is now. She lost her job after smashing a glass across a customer's face for touching her ass. Well, that's what she told everybody at least. 

       Exploitation happens to everybody. My wife was liked and had a generally nice figure. Wasn't too hard to get real close to the patrons' pockets to steal some cash. Most of the money went to keeping my office afloat. Both of us banking on getting a big job. So we were mostly holding out till then. It was my idea to steal the money. She didn't like it but…I did say some things that pissed her the fuck off. Strained our relationship more, not like the back and forth stealing didn’t already do that. Though, still she listened to me. Even when she got fired, she didn't seem too angry. Don't get me wrong, she slapped me across the face once she got home. I was expecting worse. 

       A positive of us losing that needed source of income, it was nice being able to spend more time with her. Hugging, kissing her cheek, cuddling. Didn’t feel as heartwarming as before everything but still…it was nice. During that time, I noticed alot of things. She was getting more tired looking. Once bright beautiful eyes were reduced to dull mirrors. As for me, I don't know. Haven't looked in a mirror for so long. 

       There was one thing I did notice the more she stayed home. Every morning after I woke up, I'd have a bunch of cuts covering my arms and legs. They weren't anything concerning like if I was covered in gashes. Thought might have been from my ex's nails scratching me up. Always kept them a bit long. And we were all over each other more.

      After it was going on for about a month, the truth behind them came to light. Now, she had been going out during the day working any job she could get so I didn't think much of her coming home with some extra cash. Though, it was getting to the point where it seemed she was getting a lot. I didn't question it really. Money was money and as long as she wasn't getting hurt, I didn't care. Call me a shit husband if you want. I don't care. I know what I was to her.

      I happened to wake up in the middle of night. There was a thunderstorm that just so happened to bash a telephone pole into the side of the apartment building. Woke up to find that bitch taking a knife to my calf and recording that shit. Kicked her square in the face. Shouted at her so loud I probably woke up the entire building if they weren’t already. Definitely after she started yelling at me. Saying it was only fair she could use me to make some weird softcore guro content for some fucked up pieces of shit considered I used her to get money from some of the patrons at her previous job. What a load of bullshit. What I made her do was nothing compared to what she was doing to me. 

      Don't remember how long we fought for. I just remember sitting next to the bed and feeling of her crying into my shoulder. And the words she said most of all. 'We need a divorce. For the both of us.' And I didn't object to it once.

     Haven't seen her since. Don't even know if she's alive anymore. Don't know what she's doing for money. Don't know if she got remarried and has kids. Wonder if she thinks about me at times. Like how I think about her everytime I look at my wedding band on my finger.

Notes:

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 7: Consta: Cibophobia

     My…My organs didn't sell for much. All spent on getting this body…I don't like it very much. I really do hate it…I mean, yes. It makes me stronger and tanky! I can handle a kick to the gut now! I…ah. I heard…heard of something called phantom pain…you will feel pain from something that isn't there…or…you just feel pain where your arm once was even if it's no longer there. I..I still feel pain at times. Only when my 'stomach' is injured. 

      You know I loooove to eat. Been like that since I was a little kid. My friends called me a foodie. I..I didn't have many. Mo and Arnold are my closest ones though. Everyone else….they were friends but….they weren't ones you could even have a single thought that they would ever protect you. All they mostly did was talk to me to settle their boredom or to bully me while trying to pretend it was all just teasing. I was lonely not stupid…

      My family wasn't any better. They were good people….mostly. Just when they got mad. Like a lot of others in the Backstreets, life was crummy and miserable. Worries about getting food, shelter being taken, or being killed…..So so much anger and stress…And I…I only made it worse on them. Eating them a house out of home in a never ending quest to temporarily satisfy my want to indulge in anything I could get my teeth into. Getting all that short lasting joy of filling my stomach and my brain with serotonin…None of it lasted long…especially…when one of my family came home or caught me. 

      Sometimes they would scream and shout saying horrible things…saying they should have thrown me in the trash….that everything would have better if I wasn't born….Those times I 'liked' the most. The best punishment I could receive. Anything else made me wish they had carried through with all their dementive words. 

      Smacking me once or twice. Leaving me crying always. Hiding in my room or curled up on the floor. The minor physical reprimanding….How much at times I would beg with silent pleas for that if nothing else. Anything not to be kicked in my stomach relentlessly. Over and over till I threw up all over myself. Then left like a mess on the floor for hours. Unable to stand or move at times. Needing to drag myself along the floor with every bit of fragile strength I had. Mommy would never take me to the doctor…Daddy wouldn’t either….Nor Grandpa or Grandma and not even Auntie Faye. She loves me lots…lots and lots…

      I couldn’t see Mo or Arnold when someone hurt me…they got so so worried. My tummy black and blue. Throwing up for no reason other then feeling bile rise in my throat. Unable to swallow it down…. 

     Momo…Arnie…I am…I was only able to enjoy food again because of them. So patient…Being a support when I struggled to eat. When I couldn’t barely hold anything down…They made me happy to be alive...I wish..I wish we could have been together longer….

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 8: Arnold: Heartly Selfish

     This…this stupid body…It has benefits, of course. That's why we got the bodies after all…Don't have to worry about basic human needs. No food…no water and no oxygen. So many coats cut down especially with Consta…Please do not misunderstand…I don't think poorly of his foodieness or poorly of him generally. He has always been a good friend. If I wanted to toss him aside to save money…we still wouldn't be together. He’s been the way he is since we were young… Dwells on the past alot…to be honest. Much less goal driven then Mo and I.

      We have all been together since we were toddlers. Our…our parents knew each other. Though….not as well as they all liked to believe. Especially Consta's parents. I knew him before Mo did. Our parents were closer to each other so..so they meet up first once we were both born…Even had matching pajamas.. He…he wasn't much different then he is…was now. Not in appearances…of course. Timid and nervous yet with a great appetite. I remember clearly my mother making sandwiches for everyone with some extra. All the extras were eaten in less then a half hour once served. My parents were a bit upset….and they stopped inviting Consta's family over…I did not see him for a while after that…and when I did..he was covered in fading bruises….

     We really did need the money…any bit of money would have been better than nothing. All….All we ever did was want a better life for all of us. Staying precautious is what we should have done. Should have just laid low and raided a workshop just like I said. Started small and worked up. Least we could have staked out a workshop, see when it's less busy, available openings to decrease the chance things go wrong. But Mo just wanted to go for gold. Reach beyond what we ever could in a current state. She wanted to gain all the glory and wealth for us. Why did we let her talk us into it….It was her idea to get these metal bodies..it was..I swear. It was her idea to run head first into this 'Library'. This was a horrible idea. Yet, I can't bring myself to be mad at her. She was like anyone else who lived like her. Desperate for something better. 

      So very desperate but not once forgot about us. Never forgot her roots and who was always by her side. To be completely honest….I had thoughts of ditching both Mo and Consta before. Yes..I said otherwise before but..i feel guilty for trying to paint myself then what I am… Things were getting really tough…Didn't have enough money for food, water and shelter…Nothing at all…We lived on the streets together once Consta got kicked out…Mo left home without a second thought…I…I really didn’t want too….All the stress had been building up at that point; happening just before Mo brought up the idea to replace our bodies. I told them both I was gonna leave. For myself and them as well. For which reason more…I don't know myself. Consta clinged to my leg begging me to stay, crying buckets upon buckets. Mo grabbed my shoulders, giving me the softest smile she ever gave me. 'I'll replace my body to cut down on costs'.

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 9: Mo: Self-Disembodiment

      Childhood best friends: Myself, Consta and Arnold. Those two are younger then me. A year about. July 14th for Arnold and October 10th for Consta. He didn't mind being the youngest of the group. In fact, there isn't a doubt he enjoyed it. His home life could have been much better. Though that isn't my place to discuss, especially to a bunch like you all. Both I and Arnold were more than happy to stay by his side and assist anyway we could. Therapists are few and far between let alone costs cash none of us had. Maybe it was selfish of us to prioritize basic human needs over mental needs. However, I stand by my decision to put off such treatment. Coni took well to the assurance and care we provided to him. He ate, slept, and lived just fine; as fine as the City would allow.

     My home life wasn’t comparable to his. It wasn't flawless but I wholeheartedly doubt anyone's family is. No one can put everything perfectly into place. The world is too violent and unpredictable then that. You can prepare for the worse yet get hit harder than you ever would expect. I know well from experience. Whenever something was going well, it no doubt was going to crumble within the upcoming week. My parents finally came into my grandma's, on my dad's side, inheritance. Wasn't something to break the bank with but it was plenty enough to pay the next two months bills. The electric, the water, the heat…there would be time to save. To have a chance to build up an emergency fund. Didn't have to worry as much for a short time. But, instead of things going as well as that, that woman.. my mother spent it all on an investment that would go nowhere. It's point was get something up so we could have a bit stabler life but…it was a worthless investment. She was an idiot. A goddamn idiot….I..I may not have…I may not of had my flesh body when I died but I could still always remember the feeling of her warm neck in my hands.

     That incident happened some time before I started living on the streets. My family…my family hated me more than my mother…I still debate with myself if I regret what I did and if I was ready for the consequences if I did kill her. Right now, I can say at least that if I could redo the event over, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I'd let the ties between me and my family become as strained as they did. I would take all the cursing and hatred given to me. Even if it meant losing the family that raised me. I had a different one after all. One I handed my life over to make better for them; I handed theirs over too. 

      Consta and Arnold are my family. They have been since I have known them. To me, they are my little siblings. Arnold, motivation driven yet weary if not a tad bit self centered. Consta, weak and frail though not blind like a child would be due to their own intelligence. We weren't perfect. I could be rough around the edges. Too harsh at times when my mind was wavering on a line thin of a breakdown. Taking on all that I could to keep us afloat. They helped when they could. But it wasn't enough. I didn't want them to work but I kept my mouth shut. Sure, I encouraged them not to put too much pressure on themselves. Yet….When the idea came up of one of them leaving…I couldn't accept that. I'd keep us together; at the cost of my body. 

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter 10: McCullin: At The Cost of Flesh

     Life was hell yet sweet as hell. Got my ass beat alot on the street when I was younger. Part of it was my fault for picking some shit. Thought I could get a few kills under my belt so it looked good when I started up my own Syndicate. No one would respect their boss that didn't get their hands dirty in the mud of life. Why do ya think power is everything around here? Power brings respect and people to their knees. I ain't exactly the smartest of people when it comes to that sort of shit. I got some idea on how to keep people organized and give them jobs. That's why I stuck to a smaller group. Naoki wasn't much help in that department. She ran mostly on what the streets taught; how to kill, feed and drink. Any gaps were taken up by instincts. 

      She's a fine reliable friend. Reliable in terms of loyalty. Handling any requests was easy for her if you were willing to accept extra damages. Maybe that's what suited the Syndicate life for her. Brutal in all possible ways. Though, can't blame her fully. Those drugs in our systems make us alot more aggressive compared to normally. 

      She managed to get herself more then a few shots of that stuff which only worsened her impulsive behavior. Myself on the otherhand have been keeping it at bay. It ain't like a constant fight for control type of shit. At first, it was hard. I won't lie about that. Felt weird for the first couple weeks. Head always spinning and nauseous most of the time. Unconsciously scratching at myself. Felt the pain once I broke the skin. Managed to stop myself further in the start. Though it was getting worse and worse. Couldn't stop myself after so long. Kept scratching and scratching till I reached a point where I was bleeding way too much to be barely manageable. Even then, it was hard to stop. Something, something wanted that violence. Seeing the blood felt so…good. Keeping up doing that though wasn't good. Wasting supplies needing to clean and wrap the wound. Money down the drain; medicine needed for infections that somehow found themselves infesting into my flesh. No one ever commented on it. Chalking it up to regular injuries. Lasted for the first two weeks till Naoki caught me doing it in my tent. 

     Truthfully, thought she'd make fun of me. Call me weak or some shit. She was the type of person to do that, no matter who it was. Friend, family, strangers. Wasn't personal or anything. That was just how she was. So I wasn't expecting her to run over to me, slap me across the face before tending to the injury. I spaced out at a certain point of her long winded and upset lecture. Naoki gave me a hug that lasted awhile after the fact. Actually, she hugged and snuggled with me for the few nights after. 

      Kept clean for those days. I tried real hard to keep the urges down. Tried to go out on my own to reap some blood and guts. I actually ended up more injured but it wasn't the same. It didn't feel the same. Didn't feel the same at all. It wasn't working. Everything got worse and worse. To…to the point that one time…I…went after Naoki. Tried to gut her out. Mutilating her body in all manner of forms. Dreaming and imagining what she'd look like with her intestines painting the ground….Clearly, things didn't go that way. She insisted she wasn't mad at me. Did her best to prove that point yet…I still feel guilty about scarring up her face that much she wears a gas mask all the time.

 

Notes:

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Chapter 11: Naoki: Justified

     McCullin is a real nice guy. Got a fairly good head on his shoulders. A loyal work partner. But the moment he mentioned Taein would be joining us, I wanted to strangle him. Granted, it ain't his fault he didn't know my hatred for that scumbag. I can't deny though…his help at the time really was worth putting up with his mere existence. We kept our peace for the most part. Actually, I'd say I started to put more thought into things after he showed up. Don't know why exactly. Wasn't like I was trying to play the part of a goodir two shoes in front of his face. That I improved myself and wasn't just a toddler anymore like he treated me. Well, treated me to a limit. 

       To be upfront and honest, Taein's my brother. Older one at that. Growing up with him was a pain in the ass. Not saying I wasn't a thorn in the family's side either. My mother threatened to sell me off at times though, she had a bit of teasing in her words. Mostly. Paps was a lot more strict but not. Kept a firm set of ground rules and if those were kept? Couldn't care less about what we did. The freedom got me in trouble at times. Nothing too bad. Taein was more so the one in trouble. Felt bad for him when he got yelled at and even worse when he got smacked that once. But after that incident, I wished Paps would kick the shit out of him. 

       Wonder what made me go from loving the ever loving fuck out of my brother to wanting his head beaten in, eh? Well, whatta think? Backstabbed me? Kicked my nonexistent puppy dog? Well, it was none of that. Man never took a knife to me. Never hurt anything I cared about. I'll give you the short of it. Said I had no reason to be upset at anything at my life. Said I was lucky to be living and as happy as I was. Told him he had no right to tell me that. Not a goddamn reason. I don't know why he said that. I honestly don't. I just was sitting with him eating ice cream on the ledge of a building we normally sat on. Complaining about the usual shit. And he just…snapped. Never seen him that pissed before at me. We play fought at times where he borderline kicked the shit out of each other. But that moment was different. Eyes so sharp and mad. I wasn't gonna take that shit. Not without bloodying that bastard up a bit. Broke his nose and sharded one of his ribs. Still got me good though. Broken arm. Parents weren't happy with us. Made us get jobs after the fact. Didn't mind really. Kept me away from him. That fucker. 

      Money got tight after that event. Stressed my family out. Stressed me out too. Taein and I never spoke to each other. Parents tried but it never worked. Won't lie. I missed not having a shoulder to lean on. He's my brother. An asshole he is but he was the only one I trusted to tell things to. Going out and destroying shit helped a lot. It really did. When I got stuck in the house cause of a cold, probably was something worse, I felt emotionally like dog shit. I did shit I shouldn't have done. I did shit that maybe fucked me up more then helped. I needed someone to be there for me. And the only fucking time that motherfucker came to check on me he said to me, 'The hell you cutting yourself over?'. If only I had the strength at the time to strangle him. To beat in his fucking head in. Instead, ok just sat there. Sat there and stared at him. Did say a word to him. Didn't say a word when McCullin got him go join us. I think….I think that was the only time I cried in my life. I cried so long while he just stared. Either with happiness for making me miserable or nothing at all. 

 

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Chapter 12: Taein: Scars Washed Away with Blood

     Out of everyone I could have expected to see after I took up that McCullin's offer to join his shared Syndicate, wasn't ready by any means to see my brat of a sister covered in blood talking to associates. Had her face mostly covered by a gas mask and wore the hood of her coat too. Bangs hiding everything above her eyes. And those were the only thing visible on her. Her eyes always had a violent blood lust desire. Violence always was the first answer for her for anything. Could tell she wanted to maul me once our gazes met. Though she would have made our relationship clear as day. Yet she didn't say a damn word. Talked to each other as coworkers and nothing more. In fact, I thought she had dropped having that grudge on me. But that was stupid of me to think. She was my sister after all. There would be a few kinks of hers she couldn't ever work out. 

     Found her screaming my name as she was busting someone's head open. Cracked the sucker's head open like a watermelon. A red center with those white bits of bone substituting for the black seeds. Don't think she ever realized I was standing there watching. Or maybe she was and made the whole thing in even grander in her display. Beating out a brain smoothie. The fibers being pulled apart from one another unlike a watermelon. I clearly remember her burying her face into the frothy mess of flesh and blood. 'You were weak. Thinking that only you could suffer and complain about it. You had it damn worse but you…you were my brother.' That's all I ever remember her saying. And you know, I did think about it a few days after. I ain't gonna say I feel guilty or that I was in the wrong for what I said. Any of what I said to her. She was an ungrateful little whiny bitch. Bitching and complaining about the boringest and patheticest of shit. I complained sometimes yeah but come on. How much did I have to listen to such shit before I snapped? About losing friends or the few injuries she got? My parents beat me for fucking up the smallest of things. I always had to be my best. Better then my best. To keep going and going and never ever stopping with the damn pressure. I had to support the family. I had to work two jobs. I had to cover some of the bills. I had to do everything she didn't. 

     Why should I ever have to feel bad for her? She had it good. So fucking good. Thinking life was so bad. Course she didn't know the real hell our parents were putting us through. I didn't want her to know. She sees time and time again that it can always be worse. So much fucking worse. I…I fit into the ones allowed to complain, don't I? Trying so much only for it to amount to nothing that really mattered. Don't got my parents anymore. Don't got relatives anymore. And I don't got my sis anymore. Even before I felt the blood rush out from my neck. I died a lonely man. A lonely man dying by the hands of a bunch of suckers. 

      Wonder if my sister held any regrets when she died. Died alongside the person who taken a hit right to the neck for. 

 

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Chapter 13: Jack: The Handle

     Jack and the Skyscraper. Could have sworn it was different when I was younger. Though the kids that come by with their parents always say ‘Skyscraper’. Jack was a poor man living with his wife. They were very poor and were in need of money. Walking to his constant stable freelance job, Jack found a man that promised him a job and a wonderful life. All he had to do was not question anything and do what he was told. The hopefulness blinded Jack who rushed home to tell his wife of the grand event. All she did, however, was yell at him for making a horrible choice. Accepting a job offer from a strange man who said not a word about pay or anything. Throwing valuable time at a job that may not even prove to have great fruits. Sure, it was stupid of the man but he had faith. Putting all his eggs into one basket. 

      The long and short of the rest of the story is that the job did pay well but the man started to lose his sanity at horrors that happened within the skyscraper. Everything was wearing away at his well being that one day he decided to quit the company. However, they weren’t gonna let him go that easily. Guards chased him as he made his descend down the building, getting soon cornered by guards on the lower floors. Instead of getting caught and being forced to work, Jack jumped out the 37th floor. And so happen chance, his wife was visiting his work as he forgot to bring his lunch that day, passing on the ground right from where her beloved jumped. They were both killed when he hit the ground.

       I’ve known Pierre for years. More than half my life. We busted our asses to become one of the Eight Chefs. Both hers and mine’s dream. That sparkle in her eye as she butcher and created the best meals she could. Improving day by day. That smile upon her face when she finally got the deed to our homey little restaurant. She ran up to me and hugged me for the first time ever. Pierre wasn’t a touchy touchy person. Not like those types that act like they don’t care at all but really do. Oh boy, was she ever the overprotective type. Granted, we only had each other but still. Not everyone got it in themselves to do that. 

     Some partners, in business and in life, aren’t always like that. They’ll throw each other under the bus if they can save their own skin. Or, the rare chance, only drag each other down. I thought I did that for a while. Butchering….wasn’t my strong suit. I messed up a few times as I had shaky hand. But…Pierre took the time to relax my nerves. Taught me all the knowledge she had. It was a few weeks till I got into the groove of things…And at times, I wonder if I should have taken a different job. Not something out of the food and cooking business. But been our own supplier instead of going through third parties. I could cleanly kill people as to not damage their goods; Pierre wouldn’t have to have wasted those weeks on teaching me. We likely could have gone farther then just our small place. Had the place booked for the night. Just the two of us manning everything. Right at each others’ side. It's all a bunch of ifs yet, I feel like I was just a handle with no blade. A burden to a chef who only posed trouble for the chef to get a blade added. 

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Chapter 14: Pierre: The Blade

       Ah~ I really would have enjoyed slicing up those little guys~ Maybe having them in a tar tar or a kebab~ Jack would have loved that. Just a hint of rosemary on his and a bit of olive juice with mine~ Oh it would have been so taasssttyy! Your metal flesh…well, I can’t think of anything of how to make your disgustingly cold metal tasty but, I have time for that– Or not I’m not too sure if I will– My mind feels fuzzy the more I think. Jack holding up well? I mean, did he say anything? His voice was so muffled from where I was. That…That stupid steak pushed me further and further away. Them and there stupid flaming bat. I could smell my own flesh being cooked. Seeing the burn marks across my skin. No fine grill marks or anything akin to the caring I put into cooking each and every product I put out. Such methods could barely be described as a proper preparation of ingredients. Though, that’s not what I was…Or at least not how I felt at the time. But that’s what I am, aren’t I? What both us of are? Oh not like you would answer anyway– Couldn’t care what you said anyway, unless..it was in reference to Jack. Only person I care about. Both alive and dead. 

      There was a time that I had to teach him how to butcher. So much funnnn~ That poor man struggled to learn but he was so utterly motivated to learn. That darling had such a bright shine in his eye everytime I praised him. I remember always smiling while teaching him. Side by side to one another. Standing behind him at times to better mimic how I would do my regular gestures. Guiding his arm as to how to separate the joints without damaging the meat. Any bit of damage can ruin the quality.

      We didn’t drink much. However, I remember that once where we sat together in bed. Smiling, laughing~ Quite nice it was. Some nice relaxing time to ourselves~ A small celebration for finally being able to buy our humble little restaurant~ Jack doesn’t remember much I’m sure– He was quite cute honestly. His hair was a bit shorter at the time. Still suited him. He was laying down with a smiling with drunken eyes. Jack’s a quiet drunk. But he did mumble alot though I could barely understand any of what he said. 

     Call me crude but I gave him a little kiss on his forehead. Nothing more and nothing less. He twitched a little but he ended up rolling over closer to me~! Don’t know if he realized what happened or he merely woke up the next day thinking it was a dream– Not that I minded either option– He at least realized it was a kiss cause there be no other reason he started kissing my arm right after. Such a sweetheart he was….Loyal partner till the very end. Worked so hard to help me reach our dream, even before it was his. A handle to my blade. Took our parts and put them together, never letting go of each other.

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Chapter 15: Mars: Child of Juno

     A parent's love. Something I was gifted to have. I wouldn't say I took it for granted. As least as I grew older. My mother hadn't fully sheltered me growing up. Taught me to be extra careful going out. Don't try and talk to strangers; ignore them if they tried to bring you everywhere, even a public setting. Children my own age I had to be weary of. Made making friends difficult. I was so nervous of being friendly with someone my mother would disapprove of. She only was ever looking out for me. Even while working at Streetlight. Well, when there was time in her busy schedule. People throwing whatever money they could at her employer to have her be the one to take on whatever task they needed. Whoever could pay the most became the lucky winner though, sometimes my mother would decline to take the job. Asking her boss to take the job that had the most moral benefit. A rare occasion from what she had told me. I wanna be like that. That strong and able to decline requests without any repercussion. Having the ability to choose is a gift granted only to those few with the power to place that badge upon them. 

     My mother is lucky. She really is. She's not Color yet her boss fears losing her so much that he'll bend to her every request. The real money marker. The others at the Association aren't like her. They are skilled; far beyond where I stand. They still live. They get to walk the earth and go on with their lives. 

       I hope Lulu…I hope Lulu and San….can go on without me. I hope they don't come back. My mother will comfort them. I know she will. My mother is just like that. Sit all together at the table eating that cake…Letting life go along without me. Cry into each others' arms for only a short time so that they don't keep it all bottled in. That's all I think they should do. Waste not a tear more on me. Not San…Not my mother…not…Lulu. .God Lulu…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said those things. I didn't want to leave you like this. Not after all I said. I tell myself time and time again that we shouldn't fight. Even if it was petty and it meant nothing. Even if it was playful and I just took it too seriously at times. I…I didn’t want to die regretting so much. But…I couldn’t let myself live knowing you were dead. I…I heard you screaming as San had to drag you away from my body. I could hear you screaming my name over…and over. I could barely feel the tears drip down my face. I could feel my mother holding me in her arms, caressing my head….kissing my cheek. Telling me how much I have grown…

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Chapter 16: Lulu: From The Love of Others: Replace Me

     We didn't get off on the wrong foot. At least I don't think we did. Got into an argument with on the first day we met. Threw out my lucky pen I used. Paperwork, uh, wasn’t my strong suit. But whenever I seemed to use that pen, I never made a single mistake! San gave it to me when we first started working together. He had one just like it too. Had an eraser, well, it felt like an eraser on top. San said it was just for decoration which was a bit odd but I never questioned it. I love it so and that man through it out! Said it was running low on ink cause it wasn’t writing for him. Stilllll, it was mine to throw out. Matter of fact, that was something he did quite often. He always did little things for ‘me’. Cleaned up crumbs I might have left, tossing out paperwork that was null, the…the cake. Ah…

     Anyways! Uh, I told my sister about him. All those little stunts he was pulling. On the phone mostly; she lives in a different district over with some roommates. Never heard them but she said they were out alot. She was able to get a fairly nice desk job. Not anything great, but that’s why she bunked with others. Laila gave me advice on what to do about it– About Mars. Told me just to do the same thing back to him. Though, she teased me a little bit about liking him. Which…at the time which wasn’t true at all. It was normal for her to do that. Did it throughout out of all childhood. It was all in good fun. She did it to me and I did it to her. We grab at our sleeves to whisper into each others’ ears about how cute a boy looked. She would either chuckle and retort what I said or smirk and walk over to him. Sometimes she would talk me up or try and land herself a date. She was the master at keeping her cards to herself; just for a short amount of time. I would always find out sooner or later if I was right~ 

     We joked around alot nor took each other too seriously. Kept out of trouble to our parents delight. Well, out of trouble for the most part. Only occasionally did we break something like that flower vase our mother owned. It was full of roses our father bought for her a few days ago at the time. Embarrassing to admit, but during one of our love teasing matches, I insisted that giving a rose to that boy down the street he would undoubtedly share his graham crackers with her. Being only eight years old and short, I managed to knock the vase off the table. I cried like a baby right afterwards. My sis didn’t bat an eye at the sight, only sighing before giving me a hug. She really was something. She always wanted happiness for us and our parents. Laila had a heart of gold. At the time, I’m sure her intentions were always just to tease me about romance. Though, I think they became more serious. I mean, she wanted me to have somebody. Our parents were no longer alive so it was just the two of us. We didn’t stay together, sure, but that was because we both had different dreams for our careers. We loved each other dearly. I called her as often as I could! 

       I had talked to her last night. Right before I went to bed which was much too late though, I wasn’t tired at all even given how late it was. Maybe around 3AM? Hard to remember the exact time but, that really wasn’t important. She sounded really tired, her voice was really low and dull. Our conversation started like any other. How are you, how was your day. I could barely make out what she said at times but anytime I asked if things were really ok she would brush it off. Laila tried to keep the focus on me like normal. If my friends were well, if I had enough food to eat, if I could afford my rent…I stopped giving proper answers after so long. Something didn’t feel right and there was no place in my mind that could just keep going along with everything as if it was ok. I said I would come over to visit her right then and there. Laila asked me not to, repeating over and over that she was ok. Ignored her until my eyes caught a glance out the window. Sweepers….

      We talked a while longer after that. Her mood seemingly picked up once we started teasing each other like old times. Mostly one sided in all honesty. How that ‘boy’ Mars was doing and if we were getting closer to another. Maybe I admitted I may have liked him a bit..Only maybe though… It was so nice to banter like old times. I..I fell asleep at some point…I remember telling Laila I would visit her after work tomorrow..which would be today…We weren’t getting that much work anyway but I had some loyalty to the others…that’s why I didn’t go right to her in the morning…I…I remember the last thing she said to me right before falling asleep. ‘Take care of yourself for me and….tell Mars he has my blessing…I love you much..Tallulah…’ 

      I didn’t remember that in the morning…Only that I said I would visit her after work. Not…Not…her…her last words…I…I want to go home…Please let me go back…Let me go back to check in with her please…Please let me go home…just for a little bit…let me hug my sister and apologize to her…Please let me do that at least…I’m begging you…please…

 

 

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Chapter 17: San : Sansin of the Ocean

      A prompt memory that never has left my mind. Through all the blood poured that covered my eyes and the screams that rang out through my ears. Back to my childhood. My little brother was sitting on my lap messing around with a rubik's cube. I just was holding him, saying nothing. Our parents were having one of their argument sessions. Father was working too much and couldn’t spend much time with us. It was taxing on everyone. Mama got to stay home to watch after us but she wanted us to have our father around. We had a babysitter when both our parents still worked; lessened the workload on Father. Only for a little while after Bada caught them stealing some of the décor we had around to keep up a mood a bit. We were a bit younger then we were at the time and he didn’t properly understand that being as small as he was, calling out a thief was a poor idea. 

      I tried not to think about what happened. Yet that hatred of that memory always seemed to take hold of me whenever I saw my little brother hurt. I tried keeping him out of harm's way, Watching over him from dusk till dawn. I had always had a tendency to be overprotective but it only got worse as time went on. Every tear from his eyes made me choke myself with the rag of heavy burdens keeping me in place. Growing longer and tighter as time went on. Bada wasn’t stupid; still full of that child naivety but not stupid. He knew letters and numbers just like he should have. Colors, different animals, shapes. I couldn’t have been prouder of him yet I just got prouder and prouder of him. 

        Focused all my time to him. Rather then my own studies, my own feelings, my own thoughts…everything. I watched him grow into a better person than I could have ever hoped to be. Hand selected by each of his employers as their model Fixer. Quiet, obedient and did his job better then most. Not the best but he didn’t get upset nor even show a bit of pushback. Detached and far away. I had noticed the change as he got older; our parents did too. He still would give us hugs and be affectionate with no prompting. He loves his family. He loves me. I practically raised him. I had to help him through the struggles of growing up. When he struggled to make friends, when he didn’t understand why it hurt that dad wasn't home all the time, when he felt unloved by mama who never seemed interested in him, when he was bullied for nonsense, when he failed his first test, when all the burdens of life started to crush him. I was there for him. 

      Grade 2; working at Cane Office. Boss was money hungry but wasn’t abusive and his coworkers were fine; only talked to one. He didn’t smile the last time we sat together and talked. Didn’t seem happy to see me but he still said he was. Greeted me with a hug and a kiss on my forehead and parted ways all the same….I never wanted to bother him about things. I feel like I would burden him. His older brother asking for assistance? A job that risked his life? I couldn’t do that. How could I ever look him in the eyes and ask him to put his life on the line? He’s stronger than Streetlight was ever combined. Stronger than all of Section 6 of the Zwei. Yet I couldn’t put him in danger. I couldn’t do it even if he risked his life everyday already. I spent all my precious childhood years protecting him as best as I could. I couldn’t stain my hands with his blood.

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Chapter 18: Julia : From the Tree We Fall

     Funnily enough, braiding has many more ways then you can imagine. All different styles and different methods of braiding. I was never fond of it much. But I admired the skill and deviation that went into perfecting the craft. My mother always had her hair braided. She taught me all about the different styles she had styled. Her milkmaid braid she dawned most of the time; only seconded by the fishtail braid that always rested on her right shoulder. My father would tease her about how she would throw a small fit if he messed with her braid. Honestly, I did too at times though very rarely. I try to be as least bothersome to my peers and to my parents. Being the mediator to all, even my acquaintances, at times can be tiring. As selfish as it might be to admit, I wish I could lock myself away from the world for a little while… Death wasn’t my wish. In no matter of form have I thought of death as an escape. Is this the cause of my selfishness? No..No. That would be too silly to believe. It..It was a mission. A mission that we gambled our lives on.

      My mother also had gotten me into cards. She really tried to make me a little version of her. She was never forceful but she was a tad bit pushy. Ah, straying away from the point, she taught me many different card games. Her teachings on that front stuck to me. I found the games so interesting. Blackjack, gin rummy, palace were some of my favorites. On the second Tuesday night of every night, my mother would have both her and father’s friends come over for a gambling night. Only those nights was my mother’s hair braided in a version of a double loop. It was much higher up on the sides of her head rather than how low the style regularly was meant to be. Her eyes seemed much sharper and cutthroat. Her demeanor was never any different from her kind nature she blessed all she knew with. Yet even when she tucked me into bed after catching me hiding behind the doorway into the living room to watch them all gamble; the way she seemed at me always left me left me feeling so scared. I barely could sleep those times; what put me to bed was indeed my mother.Her quarter that made her truly a mother. One willing to do whatever it took to take care of her family. 

      From all the tales her side of the family told, there was always a wonderful streak to her kindness. Not a moment where her heart and soul were tainted by malice. Those stories didn’t change that much when I was born. Though I wonder if I was a change when I was born. 

      I took after my mother so heavily that my family made jokes of being somehow created solely by my mother. I never found humor in it. There was something that scarily haunts me. I am me. I myself with my own. I care about others and bare my heart to them all. Being that shoulder they needed to keep themselves alive. Isadora does it often, complaining and complaining about how annoyed she is at her job and life. Merely just standing there listening as if it was a confession box. Maybe it was cause she knew I was listening; maybe anyone that ranted to me knew I was listening. How their spouse cheated on them, how the bills are piling up, how they were assaulted on the street, how their mother told them they would never be able to stand on my own two feet…

      I am the shield for my friends and the ones I care about so greatly. I fail at my duties to protect them from ending up with poison covered blades. I failed at keeping San safe on our mission to obtain Lulu’s and Mar’s books. I failed at something that meant the most to me. I am upset at myself yet, i don’t feel like I am being strangled. Failure that ended in death; no voice of my mother speaking in my head. As selfish as I might be. 

 

Notes:

Thank you for reading!! Hope you enjoyed!

Notes:

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!