Unexpected

by LilisBooks

Summary:

Sometimes, when you least expect it, your life changes forever in ways you never saw coming. And sometimes, is just the push you needed to end up where you truly belong.

Two strangers meet in the most unlikely scenario and yet a spark ignites between them. But is the spark meant to last or just something to distract them from what they really want but can't have?

Notes:

So, I have no idea what this is but it was born out of a joke I made with killinggame about Hotch and Eddie. But the more I thought about it, they more I realised how similar Hotch and Eddie truly are (single widower divorced fathers with trauma to last them a life time and who had been raised to hide how they truly feel) and while appealing, idk I thought it'd be more interesting to explore Hotch/Buck bc of how similar Hotch and Eddie are. A reflection of sorts.

Regarding 9-1-1 canon, well it's set in Eddie Begins BUT Ana and Eddie do start dating a few months after it, so like... imagine if Eddie Begins had happened in November 2020 (no pandemic) and Jinx still happens on February 2021.

For Criminal Minds canon, this is set in season nine of the show, around the episode Hotch also had to do a show and tell for Jack's class. However, in this verse Route 66 hasn't happened yet, but it will and will be relevant for the relationship. Also, Emily never left the BAU. Also also, Beth doesn't happen in this AU.

Another tweak I made is that 9-1-1 is not set in LA, but in Quantico, Virginia. (Fun fact, tsunamis CAN happen there) But because I'm not American, I will try my best not to screw up geographically.

This is not a linear story per se, what I have written is just snippets in time on their relationship so... I'll try my best to make it have plot but I don't promise much.

Chapter 1: November 13th, 2020

It was Show and Tell day and Buck was nervous. Even though Eddie had explained his reasoning, Buck still couldn’t understand why he was there. Eddie had agreed with Chris to tell the story about what had happened in the Army to get the Silver Star and Buck guessed he needed moral support. But as he looked around the classroom and saw his best friend smiling coyly at the teacher, a slim and petite woman in a flowery dress, he couldn’t help but re-consider his presence in the classroom… he wasn’t a parent after all.

As he scanned the room to see what kind of parents were around for the day, he wasn’t really that surprised to see more than one person in a suit. Probably lawyers or business oriented people. Every now and then there was someone in casual clothes, but for the most part it looked like a business meeting in a very fancy office. He knew some of them through Eddie’s stories about the PTA but could see in their faces their questioning at his presence in the classroom as well.

No one really struck him as “awe worthy”, until the door opened once more and a tall, dark and handsome man walked through the door, as if in a hurry. He was wearing a suit like many others in the room, but he wore it like a second skin, as if he were more comfortable in a suit than out of them. His hair was perfectly combed and the only splash of colour in his outfit was a red tie that reminded Buck of the fire engine that he had tried to get Bobby to sign off for the presentation… to no avail.

He was a very handsome man, one of the handsomest Buck had ever seen in his 28 years alive, and a sudden shyness overcame him completely. Buck was sure Eddie’s stories were infinitely cooler than whatever the man had brought for his time in front of the classroom, him being a ex soldier and firefighter, but for some reason something in his gut told him the man had seen more than his fair share of violence in the world.

His breath hitched as the man came closer to him. Buck tried to be casual, as it was most likely because he had decided to stand in the farthest corner of the classroom so as to not draw attention to himself, far away from everyone without being rude. Maybe this man disliked being judged as much as him, which made him smile… before chastising himself for casting this situation in the same light as one of Eddie’s bad telenovelas.

“Excuse me,” a deep voice said, startling Buck out of his thoughts, “do you know when Show and Tell is supposed to start?”

Repressing a shiver that the voice caused in him, Buck turned to look at the man and was surprised to realise he was even more handsome up close. Even though he had a few stress lines in his face, it gave him an air of authority and a ruggedly handsome air. Buck could feel his knees a little weak.

“Uhm… I think it starts in a few minutes,” he said, hoping his voice sounded normal. “Miss Flores is just setting everything together,” he added as he pointed at the teacher, who was being helped by Eddie.

“Thank you,” the man said softly as his shoulders relaxed, “do you mind?” he added as he gestured at the empty space next to Buck. 

Not trusting his words or his eyes if he looked at Eddie, Buck nodded. The man gave him a soft small smile as he leaned on the wall and crossed his arms against his chest. He smiled brightly at the blonde kid who had been talking to Chris right until the man entered the room as the kid waved happily at him. The kid then said something to Chris right before both of them were waving at the man, which had him slightly confused to Buck’s amusement. Then Chris and the kid turned and waved at him, making him chuckle. Buck waved back with the biggest smile on his face. He loved that kid so much.

“I’m glad he’s making friends,” the man said once Chris and the kid had turned to their own conversation, “I was worried with him changing schools with the semester already started that he’d have a hard time mingling and bonding with people.”

“That’s Chris,” Buck said with a soft smile, “he’s always great at making friends wherever he goes, as well as making sure people feel included.”

“Jack is good at that too,” the man said with the same soft smile, “I just… worry a lot, or so I’ve been told,” he added with a low chuckle.

Don’t we all , Buck thought to himself as he remembered the incident with the skateboard just a few days prior. Eddie had been out of his mind with worry, and Buck had to admit to himself that the sight of Chris hurt didn’t sit well with him at all, or the speech Ms Flores had said when Eddie went to apologise. And even though he knew Eddie still felt guilty yelling at Ms Flores, if the helping out and shy smiles were anything to go by, Buck still believed that her speech about when to know when is time to leave the horse was over the line and unnecessary. Chris would have to adapt, sure, but nothing could stop him from following his dreams, Buck was sure of that.

“I’m Buck,” Buck said after a pause, extending his hand in greeting, nervously. At the man’s raised eyebrow, he added with a chuckle, “well, actually is Evan Buckley; but everyone calls me Buck.”

“Aaron Hotchner,” the man said, shaking it with a surprisingly calloused hand and a strength that took Buck’s breath away. “People call me Hotch.”

Notes:

If anyone wants to talk to me, ask me questions or yell at me about how I'm destroying both canons with my ideas, please come talk to me at wonderwolfballoon

Also, kudos and comments keep me alive like Tinkerbell so....

Chapter 2: November 18th, 2020

Notes:

This is still Buck's POV. Hotch's will come next chapter and Hotchreid a few later after that.

It was a week after the well and Buck still felt unnerved. As if the minute he turned around, Eddie would be gone, out of reach for him. Eddie had been his usual self, brushing off everything and repeating countless times that he was fine. 

He was even picking up more shifts without Buck by his side, saying he was saving to give Chris a good Christmas. They both knew it was a tough time for the Diaz boys, as it was a reminder of Shannon coming back and subsequently dying, but Buck always felt Eddie was overcompensating for something beyond his reach.

Not that he’d ever say that to Eddie, for fear of upsetting him. So, as the best friend that he was, he’d babysit Chris as often as Eddie needed him to.

“I can call Carla if you’d rather do anything else,” Eddie said for the upteenth time as he was getting ready for his shift. “I don’t mind.”

“Dude, seriously, is okay,” Buck said for the upteenth time as well, sighing loudly and making Chris laugh. “There’s nowhere I rather be than spending time with my favourite Diaz.”

At that, Eddie stopped and stared at him weirdly, making Buck uneasy. It wasn’t the first time he called Chris his favourite Diaz, it was the truth after all, but after the well, everytime Buck made a comment like that, Eddie would look at him like there was something he was seeing for the first time. 

“Yeah, Dad,” Chris said, calling for Eddie’s attention, “I want to spend time with my Buck.”

“Okay, then,” Eddie said, clapping his hands. “It’s an 8 hour shift today so I’ll be back by dinner.”

“We’ll have it ready for when you come back,” Buck said as he too stood up to watch Eddie leave. Eddie was already looking at him, but when Buck went to say something, Eddie quickly looked away and went to kiss Chris on the forehead. 

“I’ll see you guys later,” he said before closing the door behind him.

Well, that was that.

“Buck, can we go to the park?” Chris asked after a moment of silence, Buck still stuck between the couch and the door, unmoored after Eddie’s abrupt departure.

“Sure, buddy,” Buck said coming out of his stupor, “let’s go to the park.”

–––––––––

Buck was seated on the park bench while Chris was busy in the playground, having fun with the kids around him. Even though Chris was only nine, Buck felt a pang on his chest at the thought that, soon enough, Chris would think himself too old for these kinds of games. As it was, Buck would cherish these moments for as long as he was allowed.

Someone sat next to him, but he paid them no mind, still busy looking at Chris having the time of his life. He knew he could be overbearing, especially after the tsunami, but sue him, losing Chris was the worst day of his life.

“No matter how old they get, we still worry about them,” said a voice from his right that sounded strangely familiar. 

Turning around Buck towards the stranger, Buck had to hold back the gasp that wanted to leave him. If he had thought Aaron was hot with a suit, Aaron in casual clothes was gonna kill him. Wearing a maroon sweater, the older man looked somewhat softer but no less sexier.

His tongue felt suddenly really heavy inside his mouth, so all Buck could muster was a nod of his head. The older man didn’t seem to mind so Buck reminded himself to breathe. 

“I’m Aaron, we met the other day during Show and Tell?” The older man said, his voice taking a tone of nervousness.

“No, no, yeah of course I remember you,” Buck said rapidly, making himself cringe internally. “I just… didn’t think you lived close by.”

“A couple of blocks away, actually,” the older man said with a flick of his hand motioning vaguely to his right, probably where they had come from. “We’re getting to know the zone.”

“It’s a good street to raise kids,” Buck said, wanting to facepalm himself and die, “or so Eddie has told me.”

“Where is he?” Aaron asked, before taking a tone of uncertainty, “if you don’t mind me asking.”

“No, it's no problem, I think,” Buck said, not seeing the issue. From the corner of his eye he could see Chris and Jack talking and laughing together, and he knew they were fast track into becoming great friends. “He’s working extra shifts so he can spoil Chris for Christmas.”

The older man just nodded, as if he understood completely Eddie's thought process. And in a way, maybe he did. From what Buck had heard from Chris and what he could see, Aaron was a single father like Eddie, just him and Jack against the rest of the world. 

Did he have a type?

Before he could dwell on that, Aaron began talking to him once more.

“You’re a good friend, Buck,” Aaron said, and for some reason, the name Buck coming from his lips sounded wrong to his ears. The older man had told him to call him Aaron, despite also telling him people called him Hotch. Maybe he could do the same for him.

“Evan,” he said before he chickened out, “call me Evan.”

The smile that Aaron showed him, dimples and all, told him that he had made the right choice.

Chapter 3: November 25th, 2020

Summary:

I deleted chapter 4 to add to this one.

Notes:

Hotch's POV has finally arrived

Hotch had arrived early at the office, not wanting to break his habits of being the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. But as he stared into the empty office and thought back to Jack fast asleep, he couldn’t stop the pang of longing at the thought of being able to spend just a little more time with him. 

A ping on his phone distracted him from his sad thoughts, and a small smile appeared on his face at Evan’s message. The younger man, in the middle of a 24 hour shift, was currently telling him all about a call his team had had at smart house where Eddie had been spooked by Hildy. Chucking lightly to himself, Aaron allowed himself a few minutes to reply, saying he understood Eddie’s grievance with technology, as he also didn’t have a Hildy in his home.

A soft cough took him out of the conversation and paled a little at the sight of Garcia on the door, a couple of papers on her hand, probably about the next case. He composed himself as quickly as possible, hoping and praying Garcia wouldn’t say anything about his behaviour.

“Good morning, Garcia,” he said in his most official voice. “New case?” he asked, holding out his hand so she could give him the papers.

“No, no, sir,” Garcia said, coming out of her stupor. “It's just paperwork from our last one, I just wanted to give it to you as soon as possible.”

“Thank you,” Hotch said as he put them on his desk. “Anything else I can do for you, Garcia?”

“Nothing sir, have a good day,” the woman said before leaving his office as fast as possible. With an inevitable sense of dread in his gut, Hotch could only pray Garcia kept whatever thoughts she had on her head to herself.

If Hotch thought he was safe from Penelope Garcia's inquisitive mind, he was sorely mistaken, as a few hours after their first encounter, he had been summoned to his office after a meeting with the new Section Chief, Mateo Cruz. Almost as if preparing for battle, Hotch knocked on Garcia's office before opening the door.

“So, bossman, do you want me to do a background check on that new beau of yours?” Garcia asked as soon as he entered her office, no longer wondering why she had called him right before lunch. She was looking at the screens, focused and unrepented, probably already digging into Evan’s background, much to his horror.

“Garcia, you’re not supposed to use government equipment for that,” he tried to scold her, as even if it was a smart move after everything he had gone through, he didn’t want to know about the younger man like that. Besides, Garcia needed to learn some boundaries. “And besides, how do you even know about him?”

“Well…” the woman started saying, chewing her lip. And without looking into her eyes, he knew the truth.

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” he said, putting his hand up to stop her, “for legal reasons I heard nothing, I know nothing and this conversation never happened.”

“But…”

“Garcia.”

The woman sighed, as if put upon, but when he looked at her, she was smiling at him. Not for the first time, he wondered about her true intention by asking him to her office. 

“Garcia…”

“So… are you gonna ask him out on a date or what… sir?” She asked him as she turned around to look at him. He could feel himself flush at the memory of Evan’s soft smile under the rays of sun on his cheeks. 

“Maybe,” he said, fighting the blush, “things are looking really good.”

“Really?” she asked as she looked away, fighting a smile at the sight of her usually stoic boss looking flustered and off-kilter.

Hotch thought back to the end of the playdate, Evan’s soft yes when Aaron had asked him for his phone number specifically and the possibility of just the two of them, no kids in sight. He sent a text as soon as he got home, not caring about the “three day rule” or whatever it was he had heard Morgan say when teaching Reid how to flirt. He could feel his phone burning in his pocket, where Evan’s text was unanswered as Garcia had summoned him before he could reply.

Without him noticing a small smile appeared on his face and Garcia had to swallow the squeak that wanted to leave her at the sight. Happiness was a good look on Hotch.

“Yes, really,” he said before composing himself. “No more using government equipment to spy on civilians though, I’m serious Garcia.”

“You’ve got my word, mon capitaine.”

Smirking, he left her office, grabbing his phone on his way out. He could spare a little time to talk to Evan, even if it meant a rushed and quick meal. 

–––––––––

Meanwhile Buck was staring at his phone in a fit of nervousness. He knew Aaron was a busy man, head of an elite FBI unit, but the longer his text went unanswered, the more he started to question if he was actually good enough for the older man. Yes, they were both single with busy schedules, which meant that every little bit of spare time meant that much more than to someone else. He knew Aaron was worth it, but was Buck himself worth the effort?

“Penny for your thoughts?” Chimney asked him as he sat down next to him. They were at the loft, in a rare down time between calls. Eddie and Hen were playing cards while Bobby prepped some lunch, all of them hoping for the chance to eat it. “You look anxious.”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” he said as he looked at his phone once more, before sighing and putting it in his pocket. “It’s one of those days, you know?”

Chimney’s eyebrow went up, as if daring him to say the q word , but smiled when Buck just shook his head and smirked. Chimney chuckled softly and relaxed.

“What’s got you staring at your phone so intensely?” he asked as he popped some chewing gum into his mouth. “You haven’t stopped looking at it since we got here.”

“I… I think I met someone,” Buck said in a rush, mendling the words together. However, Chimney understood him perfectly if the choking he did was any indication.

“Really? I thought you wanted to be single for a while, after Abby and Ali.”

“I did, I do,” Buck said with a small blush, “but it's just that… he makes me feel like… I don’t know.”

Chimney’s eyebrows went higher after that, and Buck fought the sudden panic at the realisation that this was the first time he had ever actually come out to someone. Maddie had always known somehow, and he hadn’t felt the need to actually say the words to her, the quiet acceptance being enough. He could feel his eyes open in panic. For a moment, neither of them said a thing, before Chimney placed a hand on his shoulder and squished.

“And is this mystery man taking too long to answer?” 

Buck smiled at Chimney’s acceptance, because if the man had done anything more, Buck was sure he would’ve combust and die. Giving him a quick nod in thanks, Buck left out a soft sigh and smiled shyly at Chim.

“Yeah… I mean, I don’t expect him to be glued to his phone 24/7, him being an FBI agent and all…”

“HE’S AN FBI AGENT!?!?” Chimney yelped, which made Buck flinch. He quickly covered Chimney’s mouth but it was too late, everyone had turned to look at them, and Buck wanted to die. 

“What are you two talking about?” Hen asked as she dropped her cards on the table, turning away from Eddie and looking at them both with curiosity in her eyes.

“Nothing really” Chimney said quickly as he dismissed Hen with his hand, “Buck was just telling me some of his craziest sexcapades.”

“Besides the firetruck?” Eddie asked with a teasing smile. But his eyes were hard, and Buck felt the familiar pang that accompanied whatever talk there was about his past.

“Dude, you don’t even know it,” Chimney said with a laugh as he patted Buck’s shoulder.

“Nor do I want to,” Eddie replied as he returned to his game with Hen, who was watching Buck with her usual ‘you’re-hiding-something’ look.

“Nice save,” Buck exclaimed, somewhat bitterly, as Eddie’s response stung a little. 

“I’m sorry,” the older man said placatingly as he let go of Buck’s shoulder, “I just didn’t expect you to say you were dating an FBI agent.”

Buck blushed and smiled softly at the reminder of Aaron’s smile when he had said yes at the older man asking him for his phone number, showing the dimples Buck had started to become enamoured with. It had been a while since someone had been that delighted to just be near him. 

“I don’t know what will come of this, but… I’m excited.”

“That’s one word for it, sure,” Chimney said softly. The older man felt bad at his mention of Buck 1.0, as he knew it was a sore subject for the youngest member of the 118, but it was truly something special to see him soft and eager for a text, like those early days with Abby.

Buck’s blush became more prominent at the memory of Aaron’s eagerness with his text. Buck had expected a little more time, even the usual three days, but seeing the text while he was driving home had made the butterflies in his stomach intensify their movements. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t begin to fight the smile that took his own face.

Chimney began to chuckle, and Buck’s mind came back to the present.

“It’s nice to see you this smitten, Buckaroo.” Chim said, still chuckling, “It’s been a while.”

“I’m not smitten,” he said, even if he knew he was, in fact, smitten. 

“Whatever you say, man. Whatever you say.”

Before Buck could retort to Chim’s scepticism, a ping on his phone alerted him of a message. Ignoring the other man, Buck turned to his phone. Until a call took him away, he was gonna take what the Universe was giving him.

Chapter 4: December 5th, 2020

Notes:

Thank you, thank you to everyone who has commented, you guys make my day and my week and my month

 

The Hotchreid crumbs chapter has arrived

Hotch and Evan had been talking on the phone for a while, mostly through text. Because while Evan ran 24 hour shifts every other couple of days, Aaron’s work at the BAU had him travelling all over the country, leaving him little to no time to catch his breath.

However, the holidays were approaching so the FBI had grounded them for the entirety of December, much to his delight. It had been a few years since he got to spend the entire month of December with Jack. And maybe, he could finally ask Evan out on that date he had been wanting to invite him on since the first moment he laid eyes on the younger man. 

He knew Evan understood, with his own busy schedule and volatile work hours, but if his marriage to Haley had taught him anything, it was that no matter how understanding the other person was, everyone had their limits. He didn’t want to repeat mistakes of his past.

Thinking of his past, a brief memory of those late nights with Reid at the office, just the two of them and no one else, flashed in his mind. After Haley and Foyet he had kept himself closed off, hurt and raw, but at the time had thought the genius understood where he had come from in wanting to take things slow. It wasn’t until the team learnt about Maeve and Reid’s headaches that Hotch understood just how at arms length Spencer really kept them, maybe especially him.

Their relationship was a precarious and delicate one. Boss and employee, older man versus younger man, someone who had their whole life ahead of them versus a divorced widower father with so much baggage it was a wonder he hadn’t collapsed on himself. For so long he thought they had shared something special, a bond like no other in the BAU, but maybe it was just Hotch’s wild imagination that had fuelled those feelings. 

In some ways, Evan reminded him of Reid, both curious bright minds, with a hunger for knowledge like no other. Both of them felt things to their core and longed for family and acceptance, after a lifetime of only having themselves as support. But whereas Reid used his intellect as a shield, Evan used his selflessness to protect himself from getting hurt. 

Hotch had seen and heard how Evan gave so much of himself to everyone around him, more so to Eddie than anyone else, but was rather unresponsive as to accept more of someone else, as if he didn’t deserve it, while giving it to others was as easy as breathing. Not for the first time he wondered what had happened in the firefighter’s life to make him who he was. 

And he only hoped the other man would trust him enough to tell him about it himself. 

Hotch could see himself opening up to Evan down the line, telling him about his own past. He dreaded the conversation about Haley, not because he was worried Evan would fear for his life but because he knew just how much he had failed her during their relationship, more so the last years of their marriage. 

It had only been a month since they met each other, and there was still so much he didn’t know about Evan Buckley. But if he had learnt anything from his heartbreak over Reid it was that waiting for the right time would get him nowhere. There was never a perfect time, just moments in time you took for yourself, hoping they were helping you build something worthwhile. 

With a will of steel, he set himself to ask Evan out, and hopefully the other man would say yes.

Chapter 5: December 21st, 2020

It wouldn’t be for another month when both men would be available for the date. Between Christmas with the team and Evan busy with his family, Aaron was itching to take the other man and show how much he wanted to woo him. 

But in the meantime, texts and phone calls weren’t far in between. Even a few more playdates between Christopher and Jack. Eddie Diaz was still taking up extra shifts every now and then, so Evan would hang out with Christopher and invite Jack and Hotch to tag along. They had gone to the zoo so many times, Hotch was sure he had the entire place memorised by heart. But if the look of joy on Evan and the kids’ faces was any indication, he would visit the zoo a thousand times more. It was worth it in the end.

As for Eddie, he hadn’t seen the other firefighter since Show and Tell, but it was like the man was ever present as to how often either Christopher or Evan would mention him. Hotch could’ve been upset about it if it wasn’t for the fact that Evan was there with him, inviting him over, texting and flirting with him.

Because yes, it might have been a while since he had been on a date, he wasn’t as oblivious as Morgan or Rossi would like him to believe he was. He knew what attraction looked like, the dilated pupils, the reddened cheeks. Evan presented all of that and more, and Hotch was elated. 

A date wasn’t on the cards as of yet, but Hotch chose to believe. Believe they would get their time, even if it took them a while. Hotch could wait, for however long it could take.

------

Buck, on his part, was fighting the blush that threatened to overtake his entire face. Aaron, laughing alongside Chris and Jack? It warmed something in his heart that he had thought forever dormant, only appearing when he let himself slip whenever in Eddie’s presence. 

But being with Aaron was easy, easier than with Eddie in some ways, with no baggage or complicated emotions surrounding everything he felt. But at the same time, it left him a little hollow, because it was so close to his wildest dreams.

Looking at Jack and Chris playing together in the seesaw, it was easy to pretend Chris was his son, that he was actually his parent. But he wasn’t, no matter how hard he wished for it, how much it hurt to leave him every night to go back to his empty apartment. 

But for a while, he could forget. Forget that Eddie didn’t love him, that Chris wasn’t his son and all he ever wanted was so close to him yet so far, it might as well be a million miles away. And all he needed for that was Aaron’s warm smile with dimples on sight. 

But if he wanted him to have a real chance, he needed to let go of Eddie once and for all. Aaron deserved better than being second best. He deserved to be chosen, much like Buck himself did. 

Chapter 6: January 27th, 2021

Hotch was excited yet very, very nervous. He hadn’t had a first date in a really long time and even though he knew Evan was into him, he really wanted the date to be a memorable one, enough for the firefighter to consider going on a second date with him.

Sighing, Hotch knocked on the door, looking anxiously at the bouquet in his hand. He wanted to impress the younger man, and flowers were always a good idea, but maybe he was that old fashioned and flowers weren’t “in” anymore. Whatever that meant when Garcia had been explaining to him what to do on a date.

As soon as he let his hand drop, the door opened to reveal Evan in a well suited blue sweater that showcased his muscles and complimented his eyes, a pair of skinny jeans that made his long legs even longer and his blue bright eyes open in surprise and delight. Hotch’s heart did a flip at the sight and for a brief minute wondered what Evan saw in him when he was that beautiful.

“Hi,” he said in what he hoped was not a nervous voice. “These are for you,” he added as he showed the man the flowers he had brought to him.

“Uhm, hi,” Evan stammered with a blush on his face. “Thank you, these are beautiful.”

“I didn’t know if bringing flowers was the right thing to do,” Hotch began rambling as the nervousness got the better of him, “but I saw them and I thought of you and…”

“No one has ever given me flowers before,” Evan said with a soft smile, “it's nice, I think.”

“Any time,” Hotch replied, loving the soft smile and blush that adorned Evan’s face, “really.”

“I’ll be right back,” the other man added as he turned around and went inside the apartment, probably to put them in water. He could hear Evan softly humming to himself, but nothing he could really pick up. Passing a hand through his hair, he tried to calm down his nerves.

Garcia had encouraged him not to gel his hair, to let it au naturel , and while he agreed with her that it made him look younger, it also made him feel naked and vulnerable. Something he hadn’t expected to feel with Evan on a first date. 

Evan closed the door behind him, startling Hotch out of his thoughts, and gave him a small smile that sent a shock through his core. They started walking towards the elevator and he had to valiantly fight the desire to grab Evan’s hand.

Chapter 7: January 28th, 2021

Notes:

We're entering Buck Begins

To say that his first date with Aaron had been a success would’ve been an understatement. Not only did Aaron not mind when Buck went on tangents of what he had learnt in his previous Wikipedia deep dive, he also asked questions and encouraged him to say everything he had learnt. It warmed something in him, because very few people were like that with him.

They hadn’t gone to a fancy restaurant or anything of the sorts, much to his relief. His only experience in a fancy restaurant with Abby had him still scared of sorts. He didn’t want another emergency tracheotomy because he was too nervous. And Aaron made him really nervous. 

The older man was a little reserved and stoic at times, but always caring and willing to listen when Buck needed to talk or ramble. He was a great father to Jack, who was an adorable kid full of light like Chris, and a badass FBI agent who put ‘bad guys’ away, like Jack liked to say. 

And he was sexy as hell, because Buck might be many things, but blind wasn’t one of them. And boy was Aaron sexy. He had been tempted to invite him over; Jessica, Jack’s aunt and babysitter, had been more than willing to spend the night with Jack, but Buck was trying to not repeat Buck 1.0’s mistakes. And that included not jumping into bed after just one date or almost two months of texting. 

Looking at his phone, he fought back the urge to pick it up and call Eddie. A few months ago, he wouldn’t have hesitated to tell his best friend everything that was going on with him but in the months since the well, Eddie had been pulling away. Not enough like with the lawsuit, where they couldn’t talk to each other, but enough that the only times he saw the other man were at work or on the odd occasion he was invited to the Diaz household.

He still saw Chris a lot, hence all the playdates between Jack and Chris, but Eddie was either working an extra shift or running errands for his grandma or aunt. He wondered, not for the first time, what had he done to make Eddie pull away. Was it his desperation, clawing at the dirt that separated him from Eddie? Had Eddie seen that footage on the news? Or was it the fact that he was clearly attracted to Chris’ teacher, if the smitten look he got whenever he talked about running into her at school events was anything to go by?

Ever since he was a little kid, everyone left him behind. Either willingly or not, he was always the one being left, not the one leaving. Between his parents' emotional absence, Maddie leaving with Doug, everyone only looking at him for a fun time not a long time, Abby and Europe, Ali and her unwillingness to be a firefighter’s partner… No one had ever chosen to stay by him.

Eddie had said he did, after the whole Red debacle, but… why was he pulling away if that was the case? Sure, they were still best friends, they still spent a lot of time together and Eddie still told him almost everything that was going on in his head. But there was a distance between them, like a wall that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t tear down.

Before he could dwell a little longer on his best friend pulling away from him, his phone rang. Intrigued, he picked it up. Maddie never called so late.

“Maddie, is everything alright?”

“Please, don’t be upset,” his older sister said pleadingly. “But mom and dad are coming to visit because of the baby, and they want to have dinner, all of us together.”

“All of us together?” He asked, unsure. Not once in his life had his parents seeked him out, wanting to spend time with him. “Why?”

“They miss you, Evan,” Maddie said, probably rolling her eyes. He loved her sister, but she had never understood they had very different relationships with the people who birthed them. “They just want to talk.”

“Okay, sure,” he said, sighing. It was easier to give in than to fight. “When and where?”

“The Friday after you come back from Texas, at 7, at Howie’s and mine’s apartment.”

“So Chimney will be there?” He asked, breathing just a little easier. If Chimney was there, his parents wouldn’t suck so bad.

“And Albert,” Maddie said, a smile on her voice. “Howie didn’t want to be alone with his in-laws.”

“Smart man,” Buck said with a chuckle. “I’ll be there.”

“Is us against them, Evan,” Maddie said, her voice serious. “Always has and always will.”

“See you then Mads,” Buck said with a smile on his face. They may disagree sometimes, but they always had each other's backs.

Looking back at his phone, he grinned. He might not be able to talk to Eddie like before, but Aaron was there. And Buck really needed to talk to someone about the storm that was coming on. 

Chapter 8: February 6th, 2021

  “Love me anyway.”

The words echoed in his head as he drove aimlessly through the city. Tears threatened to run down his face, but he couldn’t break down in the middle of the road. With his luck, Athena would be the one pulling him over and then he’d be unable not to tell her the shitshow that had been family dinner.

He knew why Maddie didn’t want him to get between her and their parents, but it was so tiring to hear them talking down on them. Maddie didn't need them to turn their backs on her, who knows what would’ve happened if she had had actual support during that horrible time of her life. Maybe she would’ve never married Doug in the first place. 

He wondered who he would be if he had been loved as a child. Would he run first into danger just to get scraps of attention from everyone around him? Would he be a firefighter at all?

His head was a mess, and his heart was hurting. Once upon a time he would’ve run straight to Eddie, seeking comfort in his best friend’s arms. But Eddie had told him earlier in the day that he and Chris would have a Diaz boys’ day and they would go all out. 

For different reasons as to his parents' visit, his heart ached once more. He thought he had found something precious with Eddie and Chris, something he built with them through every trial they’ve gone through in the years they’ve known each other. But then the well changed everything, and Buck didn’t know how to fix it.

Eddie was still his best friend, the best he’d ever had, but there was a barrier between them, more physical distance when it was just the two of them or Eddie looking away when Buck caught him already looking at him. Buck just wanted to fix it, to get things back to the way they were…

But then, there was Aaron. Aaron, who always listened to whatever Buck had to say. Who said Evan like the name was something special, something to be treasured. Before Aaron, the only people who called him Evan were his parents and Maddie, and the former were disappointed and tired while the latter was either chiding or maternal. No one had ever said his name quite like Aaron Hotchner did, like every syllable was precious and an honour to pronounce them. 

He usually didn’t like his name, but hearing it from Aaron’s lips was something Buck wanted to treasure for the rest of his life. Even if they didn’t work out, Buck didn’t think he’d ever forget the way Aaron said his name.

And as if he had summoned the older man, his phone started ringing, making him smile.

“Hi, Aaron.”

“Evan,” Aaron said, and even though he couldn’t see him, Buck knew the other man was smiling. He said his name as if he had been dying to say it all day, and just for a second, any thought of his parents left his head.  “How was dinner with your parents?”

“A shitshow,” Buck said with a sigh. “I knew appointing those extra sessions with Dr Copeland wouldn’t be enough to get me through not one but two dinners without feeling like I’m a kid again.”

He could feel the anger boiling underneath his skin. He wanted to rage and punch someone for the way they all made him feel, like a second thought, a throwaway piece of furniture. But Aaron didn’t need to see the monster inside of him.

“I wish I could’ve been there with you,” the other man said.

Even though they had only been going out for a week, Aaron had offered to be there with him as support on their dinner. And as much as Buck craved his company, he felt it was too soon to introduce him to the circus that was the Buckley family. Chimney was already bound to them for life, the baby in the way and all, but Aaron shouldn't be exposed to the monsters behind the curtain just yet.

(Buck tried to ignore the little voice in his head that told him that Aaron’s profession was basically to read and understand human behaviour to determine the kind of person you are and the actions you make to prove it.)

“You had a case,” is what he said instead. Because he was gonna say yes, no matter what his fears said. But then Aaron had been called away.

“I’m here for you, if you want to talk,” Aaron said after a pause. And Buck wanted to, he wanted to vent to the older man more than anything in the entire world. But he could wait for Aaron to come back. His parents weren’t really a subject that he’d like to talk over on the phone.

“How’s Dallas?” And thankfully Aaron didn’t call him out in the obvious change of topic.

“Dry and hot,” the other man said in that deadpan tone of his that always managed to pull a smile out of Buck. “I can’t wait to be back home.”

“How long?”

“A couple more days at most,” Aaron said, tiredness showing in his voice. “Snipers are always a tough subject in this part of the country.”

“Be safe, please,” is all Buck can say, even though he wants to say ‘come back’. But it was too soon, and his family was still in town.

“Always.”

For a moment, neither Aaron nor Buck said anything. But it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. It was the kind of silence where all you needed to feel at peace was the other person’s company. Knowing they were there was enough to get you through the day. 

“And hey, if you want, you can visit Jack after your shift,” the other man said, surprising Buck. “Just let Jessica know you’re coming by and she’ll let you in.”

“She barely knows me,” they had been introduced during one of Jack and Chris’ playdates and she seemed like a great woman. Kind and sweet with a no nonsense attitude towards Aaron. She had been warm and friendly with him, but she just knew him as Chris’... friend?

“I told her about us,” Aaron said shyly, insecure. And Buck wouldn’t stand for that. “Hope that was okay.”

“More than okay,” Buck said firmly. “She’s okay with it?”

“More than you think,” Aaron said with a chuckle. “She had been begging me for years to go out on a date after Haley. I just hadn’t found the right person.”

And as much as Buck wanted to squeal like a teenage girl, he was still a little too emotionally raw from dinner to even make heads or tails from that confession. He just smiled and stored it in his heart.

“You sure you’re okay with me visiting Jack?”

“Jess will be there with you.” 

“Thank you,” is all he could think to say. It felt like too little of a word for everything he wanted to say to Aaron. But until he got back, it’d have to be enough.

“Any time.”

Buck never wanted to hang up, but he could feel the tiredness in the other man’s voice. He parked his car and sighed.

“Good night, Aaron,” he said with everything he felt towards the other man lying on those words. “Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Good night, Evan,” Aaron said in response, his words soft and comforting. “I’m just one phone call away.”

And that night, when he went to bed, for the first time in forever, he felt slightly less alone. Like maybe there was someone out there who really wanted him by his side.

Chapter 9: February 7th, 2021

“I was made for spare parts,” was the first thing Evan said when Hotch had picked up the phone. Dread sat on his stomach, making him stop in his tracks. He was walking towards the exit of the jet when his phone had started ringing “Defective parts at that.”

“E…” at the sound of his broken voice, Hotch began hearing alarms. He couldn’t fathom how fast things had changed after he had gone to apologise to his sister at her place.

“I was planned, to the very last cell in my body, just not wanted enough to be loved,” the other man said amidst his tears, interrupting Hotch from saying his name. 

“What happened?” was all he could think to ask, unsure on how to proceed. While he commanded an elite FBI unit, words were failing him at the sound of the younger man in tears. A flash of Haley’s last tearful words pulled at his heart and his memory, and before he could get himself together, he was sitting back down on his seat, ignoring the concerned looks his team was aiming at him.

“I know you’re in Dallas but…” the other man began saying, hesitantly, making Hotch’s heart hurt. Evan should never sound like that, not in a million years.

“I’m not,” he interrupted the younger man. “My plane just landed.” 

Evan’s breath hitched and Hotch wanted nothing more than break the physical barrier there was between them and reach him through the phone. But he could do the next thing.

“Come over,” is what he said instead, “I know it’s kind of late but I bet seeing Jack in the morning will cheer you up.”

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea for him to see me like this.”

“Then I will come over and we go from there,” he replied, standing up and leaving the jet in a hurry. If he left the FBI premises fast enough, he could be next to Evan in close to 20 minutes. “I haven’t told Jessica I’m back home.”

“Don’t you have reports to write?” Evan asked. And Hotch knew enough about human behaviour to know that Evan didn’t want to be alone, not really. He just thought of himself as a burden on everyone around him. Which mixed up with what little Evan had already said of his parents… well it was a good thing Hotch hadn’t been at that diner.

“They can wait,” Hotch said as he nodded at Garcia who was waiting for everyone at the entrance to the offices. 

“So can I,” Evan said in a low voice, sounding defeated.

“Evan, I don’t want to impose, but if you want me there, I’ll be over in 20 minutes, come hell or high water.”

“Okay,” Evan said with a wet chuckle. “I’ll leave the door open for you.”

“See you soon,” Hotch said as he hung up, looking up to see Garcia. She was standing at the door, looking concerned.

“Everything alright, Garcia?” Hotch asked as he began picking up the papers he’d be using for the case reports he’d be writing once Evan was asleep and calmer. 

“I should be the one asking you that, bossman,” the woman said as she entered his office. “Is Jack okay?”

“He is, but Evan isn’t.”

Garcia said nothing, but in the silence of his office, he heard her soft gasp.

“Anything I can do?” 

“Just be ready for the email blast I’ll send you once I can sit down and type my reports.”

“Will do, sir,” Garcia said, barely containing herself from muck saluting him. He ignored her antics as he left his office, ignoring as well the concerned looks from his team. He never left the office before anyone else, but Evan was changing him for the better. “I hope Evan feels better soon,” she added once they had reached the elevators.

“Me too, Garcia. Me too,” was the last thing he said before the elevator doors closed on them, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He might not be the best in emotional situations, but he’d do his best to be there for the man who had become a light in his darkest days.

…

As soon as Hotch knocked on Evan’s door, Hotch just opened his arms, letting the younger man fall into him and cry, knowing the only thing he could truly do was hold the other man, hoping to soothe some of the ache in his heart. Kicking the door closed, he held him tight as he manoeuvred Evan inside the apartment, letting his briefcase drop by the door.

“Maddie has been lying to me my entire life,” Evan said between sobs, wrecking Hotch’s heart in the process. “It was always supposed to be me and her against them, but in reality it was everyone else against me.”

“What did she say?” he asked as he sat them both on the couch, cradling his fingers through Evan’s unkempt hair. Unconsciously, Evan leaned towards the touch, his sobs quieting down. 

“We had a brother, Daniel,” he said in his most miserable voice, “he got sick, juvenile leukaemia. No one was a match. Not my mom, not my dad, not Maddie. I was born in the middle of all that.”

A saviour sibling.

Hotch knew that no amount of words would serve Evan. Nothing he could say could make Evan feel any better. He needed to feel the pain, but he didn’t have to go through it alone. Hotch would make sure of that.

“What do you need?”

“Just… hold me,” Evan said, holding onto Hotch tighter. And Hotch had no intention of letting go.

Maybe in a couple of hours he could convince Evan to join him and Jack for breakfast, but for the time being, he could hold him. Hoping, as irrational as it could be, that by doing so, he could keep Evan from falling apart. 

Chapter 10: Eddie

Eddie had had a rough couple of months. Ever since almost dying at the well, his life’s perspective had been… altered. It hadn’t really dwelled on him just how easily Christopher could become an orphan, with just him standing at the trenches ever since Shannon had died. He had known on an abstract level, of course, but the well had made it so much clearer just how fast things could change in the blink of an eye.

Inviting Buck along to Show and Tell had been just the start, seeing his best friend’s proud face as Christopher began talking about Eddie’s Silver Star. It was almost… paternal. 

Buck had always been there for Christopher, cheering him on from the moment that they met the night of the earthquake as Chris had asked question after question, Buck never hesitating in answering them with equal enthusiasm. Buck had been the one searching for ways to help Chris be on a skateboard, sending him different designs they could build on their downtime. It had been his best friend who was always willing to babysit whenever their shifts didn’t align, claiming there was no better use of his time than spending it with his favourite Diaz.

And didn’t that make Eddie think.

Because if Eddie died, there was no doubt in his mind his parents would claim custody and take Chris away from his life in LA, tumbling down everything he had built for them as if it meant nothing. And while they meant well, they were limiting, obstinate and stubborn on their ways.

That wasn’t what he wanted for his son.

He wanted him to continue to be independent, capable and strong. That his light would never dim, no matter how dire things could get, that he was still able to make jokes and laugh at life even when things weren’t entirely okay. Finding ways to be optimistic. Because his son was light, sunshine and everything good in his life, and he needed someone who would encourage that, not try to put it away, hidden behind his “limitations.”

Buck was exactly the man he wanted to raise his son if anything were to happen to him.

Not only because he trusted his best friend like he had never trusted anyone else, but because he knew that, out of anyone in the entire world, it was Buck who would raise Christopher exactly like Eddie wanted. Because they both saw Chris as he was, for who he was.

But that revelation didn’t come for free, and suddenly every interaction with his best friend was layered with the promise of more. Everything, every glance, every touch, every shared smile meant so much more because it was with the man that Eddie had given his son to, his family , and he didn’t know how to feel about that .

Because while he didn’t regret his choice, in fact he had made sure it was written in his will, he also knew that if he let himself fall, Buck would catch him without a doubt. His son, his heart, was safe as long as it was Evan Buckley holding it down.

But he wasn’t ready for that. 

Shannon had died just over a year prior, and there were days where he barely felt like himself. Some days it was easier to pretend to feel something than to show just how truly empty and lonely he felt. 

He knew Buck would listen, but he could barely say the words without feeling the itch inside his body that begged him to shut up and push through. Buck made him want to confront those feelings in order to feel everything he could feel for the other man.

But he was scared.

So he put himself on as many extra shifts as possible, using his son as a buffer more often than not between him and his best friend, hoping that Buck wouldn’t see through his cracks. He laughed and joked and goofed around with him and the rest of the team on the downtime at the station, but more often than not, he declined on one on one time with Buck.

Which maybe had backfired a little on him, since the invitations had come less and less often as weeks went by, mostly focusing around Chris or playdates with Chris’ new best friend Jack. He had seen his father around, who seemed like a decent if stoic man, so Eddie trusted Buck’s judgement regarding the older man.

And Buck hadn't said anything about Jack’s dad. 

He thought he had it handled, everything happening around him, with a good hold on his thoughts and emotions threatening to spill out of his control. He and Buck were best friends still and Chris was thriving. And really, Eddie couldn’t ask for more.

But then the Buckley parents had come into town.

Seeing his best friend barely holding it together as his world came crashing down made Eddie want to hold him and never let him go. Knowing he was inside the factory fire, coming so close to dying Eddie felt a piece of his heart break, was almost enough to have him breaking right then and there. But Buck had come out, with barely a scratch, and Eddie could breathe again. 

He had wanted to scream and rage at his parents when they had shown up at the firehouse, but being a professional and an expert in bottling his emotions, he had focused on making them know just how selfless and brave their son was. If he had let a little of his anger at them come across as pride of his friend’s actions, well that was between him and them, no one else.

Eddie had almost expected for Buck to come home with him in order to see Christopher after a very rough shift, but much to his surprise, Buck just bid him goodbye and left without looking back, not exactly relaxed, but with a weight off his shoulders he hadn’t even notice Buck had been carrying since the moment his parents landed on LA.

It had been Chimney the one that told him later on that Buck had finally reconciled with Maddie, laughing and crying together in good spirits. The Buckley siblings were back on good terms and the world was back on its axis.

But Eddie couldn’t help the nagging feeling that something was off, as Buck hadn’t reached out to him to talk about his parents or him and Maddie talking it out and being happy again. In fact, it had been him who had approached Buck at the gym that day at the station, not the other way around as it was their usual. 

Eddie couldn’t dwell much on that however, since the next shift they shared was, to say it kindly, a fucking nightmare. Maybe in a few years they would all laugh at how silly everything turned out, but at the moment with the incessant calls, being trapped on the truck, the talks about jinxes and curses, well… It hadn’t been a walk on the park. 

But he had seen Chris’ former English teacher, who had left the school in the new year to become a vice principal at another school during one of the calls. And while his feelings and thoughts were all over the place, being near her made everything calm down, almost to the point of being quiet. She was nice, she was kind, and Christopher had liked her a lot.

And she was very pretty on the eyes. 

So, ignoring Buck’s jabs and jokes, he took Bobby’s word of advice and asked her out on a date at the end of their shift, hoping that he would gain some clarity and sense regarding his best friend. Maybe then he would be ready to let himself fall.

February 10th, 2021

After Bobby invited them over for breakfast, Buck instinctively turned to look at Eddie, almost like a reflex, but instead of catching his eye, the other man had a faraway look in his eyes, as he told the team about his date. Clearly, after reuniting with her, he had called Chris’ teacher and asked her out on a date.

Maybe somewhere, out there, there was a universe where the announcement of Eddie not joining them for breakfast would’ve broken him, or even confused him as it being out of nowhere for him, but as it was, Buck stood there in the middle of his team, looking at Eddie, who had a goofy grin on his face, and the pang of longing he felt was similar to the achings he sometimes felt on his leg, dulled and more of an echo than an actual feeling. 

Smiling at Eddie, he clapped on his shoulder and wished him good luck, before turning around to the rest of the team. Aaron was due back from his case as soon as they finished breakfast, and for once he couldn’t wait for his shift to truly end.

Chapter 11: February 13th, 2021

“Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day,” was the greeting Evan gave Hotch when he opened the door. Jack was in the living room playing videogames with Chris, online, while Hotch got some work done around the house. It was the first Saturday in a while where he had no case, so he was gonna make the most of it. Calling Evan to spend time with him had been the obvious thing.

“I know, is there a problem with it?” Hotch replied as he ushered Evan inside the house. Jack wasn’t aware he was home, otherwise he would’ve paused the game to greet the other man. He was still in the phase where Evan’s presence was a novelty. While it warmed him, Hotch hoped it’d get to a time where Evan being there was just the natural thing.

“The last Valentine’s date I had I ended up needing an emergency tracheotomy.”

“Oh,” Hotch said, dumbfounded. “Why?”

“I choked on bread,” Evan replied sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Not my finest moment.”

“Nervousness?”

“Yeah,” Evan replied as he sat down on the kitchen stool, fiddling with his sleeve. “It was the first real date I ever had.”

“Are you worried about another emergency tracheotomy?” Hotch asked as a way to lighten up the mood. In reality he didn’t usually put a lot of thought into Valentine’s Day, even when married… which was probably one of the many, many reasons as to why Haley had asked for a divorce. Evan deserved to be wined and dined, just like on their first date just two weeks ago. But Hotch knew Evan wasn’t much for fancy evenings, preferring something more down to Earth and personal. And Hotch had the perfect plan.

If the Universe was in his favour, he wouldn’t get another case ‘til Monday, which gave him plenty of room to make the younger man know that Hotch was in for the long haul. Even though they had only been talking for four months, Hotch was sure of what he wanted.

“No, not really,” Evan said with a soft laugh. “Is just… Abby was very special to me, she’s one of the reasons I stopped being a mess dating wise. We started through texts and calls, and it all came to a head on Valentine’s Day, when I asked her out. I thought we had something special, something good, but then her mom died and she left the country, and me, behind. A few months ago she told me that she never came back because she was afraid that being with me would make her lose herself again, but… she could’ve said something, you know? A text, a phone call, a DM. Anything but ghost me and leave me in the dust.”

“You didn’t deserve that, no matter how valid her reasons were,” Hotch replied after a moment. He crossed his arms, fighting the urge to pull the younger man into his arms. Evan had approached the subject for a reason and until then, Hotch would keep himself in check. “Open and honest communication between partners is the foundation of any good relationship.”

Evan let out a soft chuckle, making Hotch concerned. It was as if Evan didn’t consider himself worthy of any basic decent treatment. And once again, he cursed the Buckley parents.

“I know, intellectually I know that,” Evan said. “Is just… I’m used to being the one who falls the hardest only to be left behind. It's like I’m a stepping stone of sorts.”

And Hotch had a feeling they were no longer talking of just Abby Clark.

“You’re more than a stepping stone, honey,” Hotch said, giving up on his fight and approaching the other man. Gathering him in his arms, he continued, softly. “You’re worthy of so much love, Evan Buckley.”

For a moment neither of them said a thing, the only sounds in the house were those of Jack’s game. But Hotch didn’t need sound to know that there was where he wanted to be.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said as he tried to reluctantly remove himself from Hotch’s embrace.

“What for?” Hotch asked as he held Evan from his hips, stroking lightly on the hoodie he was wearing.

“For unloading on you like that, for being a mess, I don’t know, take your pick.”

“Evan…,” Hotch said, fighting a sigh. “There’s nowhere else I would rather be than right now in this kitchen, holding you while Jack is playing video games.”

“Why?”

“Because I care about you, because I like you,” Hotch said with a shrug, smiling softly. “Or maybe because I’m dating you and I want to be there for you, whenever you need me. Be your parents being… well, your parents or cheering for you when you have a rescue gone right. Take your pick.”

Evan laughed softly, resting his head on Hotch’s shoulder. Evan was barely taller than himself, but somehow it worked. 

“I don’t want to date anyone else but you,” Evan mumbled on his neck, making Hotch laugh. 

“I don’t want to date anyone else either.”

“So… we’re… exclusive?”

“What about boyfriends, as juvenile as it sounds?” Hotch asked. Even though was almost 50, a little bit too old to be having boyfriends, Evan made him want to be someone he had never been. Someone carefree and fun… or as much as he could.

“I like the sound of that.”

Notes:

For Hotch's birth year (1971) I'm taking the date they gave in season one, when they said that Hotch was a junior in 1987.

Does that mean I made Buck date someone 21 years his senior, a whole drinking person older than him? Yes, yes I did.

Chapter 12: March 8th, 2021

Notes:

First "glimpse" at the 'Jealous Spencer Reid' tag

“What are you doing there, Buckaroo?,” Hen said to him as she approached him in the ambulance, surprising him. Hurriedly, he locked his phone and turned to Hen, smiling sheepishly at him. They were in the middle of a hostage negotiation and everyone else was spread around the block. Bobby and Athena were together talking hushedly, Chimney was on the phone with Maddie and Hen and Eddie had been talking, probably about how to break to Christopher that Eddie was dating again. The man had been struggling with it for days. “Talking to your beau?”

“My wh… what?” he asked, hating the blush that he could feel spreading on his cheeks. “Beau?”

“For the last few months, there’s been a lightness in everything you do, something I’ve never seen before. Not even when Abby was around.”

“Really?” Buck asked as he ducked his head, in fear of Hen seeing his blush. He couldn’t help that every time someone talked about his boyfriend, or what the other man caused in him, his cheeks would reden. 

“Yeah,” Hen said with a smile. “But it was when Eddie started dating Ana that I realised what it was.”

Ignoring the pang in his chest at the mention of Ana Flores, Buck sighed. He knew where Hen was coming from, as contrary to popular belief he wasn't an idiot. He knew there had been something… special between himself and Eddie, but the older man had been pulling away ever since he met the teacher at the parents-teacher conference all those months ago. 

And then there was Aaron.

“If I didn’t know you any better, Henrietta, I’d say you were fishing,” he said with a cheeky smile that turned into a chuckle when she swatted at him. “His name is Aaron,” he added softly, not because he was afraid, but because the other man was oh so very special to him. His name deserved to be said softly, with care. Besides, if there was anyone at the 118 that Buck instinctively knew that would accept him no matter what, was Hen.

“Aaron, huh?” she asked, cautiously but happily, making him smile.

“Yeah, Aaron.”

“Who else knows?” Hen asked, lowering her voice. And yeah, he understood that Hen was asking more than just who knew about his boyfriend. 

“Only Chimney,” Buck said, laughing brightly at Hen’s raised eyebrow. Despite the mess that had been the Daniel secret, Chimney hadn’t let him down by revealing that he was dating Aaron… probably because he had given Chim permission to talk about it with Maddie.

“Which means Maddie knows too,” Hen added with a smile as if reading his mind.

Buck nodded, smiling broadly. The memory of Maddie demanding to know Aaron just last week, after he had told both of them in one of their weekly dinners that he and the older man were officially boyfriends, came to him with a force. 

“For a while, after Eddie told us about him dating the teacher… I’m not gonna lie to you Buck, I was worried you’d become lonely.”

Once more, he understood where Hen was coming from. The last time he had felt lonely and unmoored he had filed a lawsuit against Bobby. It was more complicated than that, sure, but at the end of the day he had just wanted to stop being lonely. 

But then he thought of Aaron and Jack, how they had welcomed him into their arms without a second thought. How they had come into his life when he had least expected it and made everything brighter and lighter. They weren’t a replacement of what he never had had but always wished he could, even though it might look like that, but more of a second chance to what he had always dreamt of. He wasn’t a stepping stone for them.

“Well, well, well,” Hen said with a chuckle, startling him, “I guess now I know there’s nothing for me to worry about, Buckaroo. Lonely is the last thing I’d say to describe you right now.”

“Hen!” Buck exclaimed, scandalised, making Hen laugh. 

“I’m just saying, whoever this Aaron is that has you smiling like that, I’m glad you found them.”

“Yeah,” Buck said softly as a message appeared on his phone. It was from Aaron, asking him if he wanted the full FBI force to fall into that hostage situation. “I’m glad I found them too.”

–––––––––

“You look… different,” Reid said from his position, leaning on Hotch’s office door frame, his arms crossed across his chest. “Is there something going on that we need to know?”

For a brief instant, Hotch flashbacked to the time after Foyet, when the team doubted him even when they said they had his back. How they questioned his actions, his decisions, hiding it behind paperwork and bureaucracy. He dreaded, for just a single instant, that Reid was there to challenge his behaviour in their last case. And for the life of him, Hotch couldn’t figure out what he had done wrong.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Reid,” Hotch said with as much diplomacy as he could muster, folding his hands on top of his desk, staring at the younger profiler. “Is there something you wanna tell me, or ask me? Has my behaviour raised some concerns for you?”

“You’ve been… different.”

“Different good or different bad?”

“I don’t know, just different,” Reid said, shaking his head, “and I don’t know what to think of it. The last time you were acting different you stopped being Unit Chief. Are you quitting again?”

“No Reid, I am not quitting any time soon.”

“Then what is going on?”

“Nothing is going on, Reid,” Hotch said, standing up and approaching the young man. He wanted to close the distance and reassure the man in front of him that nothing would change, but Hotch couldn’t understand where Reid was coming from. As far as he knew, his behaviour hadn’t changed a thing in the last few years, not since Haley’s funeral, truly. “Have I done something to you or anyone on the team that is causing you concern?”

“No!” Reid exclaimed before sighing and dropping his head, “is just… you’re different.”

“Reid…”

“Never mind, Hotch,” Reid interrupted him before turning around and leaving the office, leaving Hotch feeling off-kilter. He felt as if there was a barrier between him and the younger man, a barrier that hadn’t existed before Foyet. He longed for the days when Reid would come to him with anything that troubled him, but those days had been over for a while now. 

Staring at the bullpen with the team all laughing and smiling together, Hotch felt a loneliness he had become familiar with. He wasn’t one of them, he was the boss, and he needed to remember that more often.

A ping on his phone alerted him of a text, and he couldn’t stop the smile on his face at the sight of Evan pouting because they had been at the hostage negotiation for up to six hours. Chuckling to himself, he sat down on his desk once more. Maybe he couldn’t do much for Evan about his situation, but he could cheer up his boyfriend by talking to him. Glancing at the bullpen he realised he had more than just a few minutes to let himself be with Evan.

He wanted to be a good boyfriend after all.

Chapter 13: March 11th, 2021

Notes:

This has nothing to do with this chapter, but I deleted Chapter 4 to add to Chapter 3 (November 25th). I'd say it flows better that way. That's why even though I posted Chapter 13 last week, it now says this is Chapter 13

“You look happier,” was the first thing Dave said as he closed the door behind him. It had been a slow day, with barely anything to do, so Hotch had told them all to go home and enjoy their free afternoon as much as they could. He was waiting for a reply from Evan, hoping the younger man was free for a night with movies and cuddles on the couch, Jack on the floor laughing at whatever movie they chose. 

“Murder does that to a profiler,” he said as deadpan as possible, not even bothering to look at Rossi. He knew what the other man was hinting at, but he wasn’t ready to discuss his boyfriend with anyone but Garcia. She had kept his secret and for that, he was grateful. 

“I’m serious,” Rossi said with his smug smile, looking at Hotch as if he knew everything Hotch was hiding. Fighting with every instinct he had, he forced himself not to squirm underneath Rossi’s profiler eye. “There’s a lightness in you there hasn’t been in a while.”

“Maybe I’ve just been missing summer,” he replied, crossing his arms as he reclined on his chair. “Seasonal depression is a real thing.”

“Aaron…” Rossi began saying, in his tone that meant ‘I'm disappointed in you’. And Hotch lost the restraint he had. Rossi wasn’t his father, but he hated when the man pulled that card. It brought back bad memories. “Spring doesn’t start until the 21st.”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Dave,” he said as he uncrossed his arms and passed a hand through his hair and face. “I am as I always have been. Nothing has changed.”

He tried not to cringe at that, hating the lie as it passed his lips. His life had changed for the better after meeting Evan, but he wasn’t ready to throw him into a room full of profilers. His boyfriend was tough, but the BAU could be ruthless, especially with an outsider.

And then there was the whole issue with Reid. 

“I’m just saying,” Dave said as he stood up from the chair in front of Hotch’s desk, “whoever makes you that happy must be a hell of a woman.”

“There’s no woman in my life, Dave.”

“If you say so.”

Rossi closed the door behind him with a soft click, and Hotch’s heart clenched in his chest. He wasn’t ashamed of Evan, or of his feelings for the firefighter, but he was a little afraid of the reaction the team could have at him being bisexual. He had never said anything about an attraction towards the same sex, and the team thought of him as a ‘typical alpha male’... would that change if they knew the truth? If they knew he liked men as much, maybe even more, as he liked women?

A ping from his phone put him out of his thoughts, bringing him back to the present. A soft smile appeared on his face at the reply, the warmth he had learnt to associate with Evan making its appearance on his chest. He stretched on his desk before sending Evan a text, telling him he and Jack were on their way to have dinner with him.  Not looking back, he closed his office, hoping for a night that would help him forget the horrors of his job. 

As he made sure he had everything with him, he looked up from his bag to notice that Reid was still at his desk, playing with a paper frog he had made during the day. The younger man was looking lost and Hotch had a brief flashback to those days after Hankle. Shame filled him at the memory of his failure to be there for Reid like he had wanted to, unable to cross the boundaries he had set for himself as the unit chief. The feelings he denied for himself as he was still married, no matter how on the rocks his relationship with Haley had been at the time.

Before he could make the decision to approach Reid, the younger man stood up and left the office, not looking back at the mess he had left behind. Sighing, Hotch held back until he was sure Reid was on the ground floor. He wanted to approach the younger man, unsure as to how to do it. He missed the days when he’d give the younger man a ride home, silently happy at the closeness between their homes. Silence filled with comfort instead of awkwardness, something shared just between the two of them, stored forever in the quiet of the night. But those days were long gone, and there was no bringing them back.

–––––––––

As he waited for Aaron and Jack to join him for dinner, a soft knock on the door pulled Buck out of his thoughts. The tv in front of him was playing a cartoon Jack liked to watch so he was catching up to it while waiting for them. Frowning, he wondered if his boyfriend had broken any traffic laws in his hurry to spend time with him and his son. He knew Aaron would get anxious if his team didn’t have any case, worried about being dragged away at a moment’s notice the longer it went by without a case. Every second of free time Aaron had was so very precious to him. And Buck was grateful and touched that Aaron wanted him in it.

Excited for movie night, he opened the door, smile dropping at the sight of a teary eyed Christopher Diaz looking up at him. Forgetting about everything and everyone else, he dropped to his knees and hugged the boy in front of him.

“Hey, hey, I got you,” he said as Chris clung to him, dropping his crutches at the front door. Picking them up effortlessly, Buck walked them to the living room. He sat Chris down, ready to call Eddie and let him know where his son was, but Chris was clinging to him.

“Chris, I need to call your dad to let him know where you are, okay?” 

It was worrisome how Chris just nodded, looking down and dejected. Christopher Diaz should never be anything but happy and carefree, and Buck’s heart was breaking at the sight of Chris looking so down.

Sighing, he stood up and left Chris in front of the tv so he could call Eddie, hoping the other man would pick up. At the back of his head he couldn’t help but wonder how was it that Eddie didn’t notice Chris slipping away… and how did Chris get to his apartment in the first place anyway?

“Did either your grandma or your tia drive you here, buddy?” Buck asked as the phone kept ringing. What was Eddie doing that he wasn’t picking up the phone?

“I called an Uber from dad’s phone.”

And before Buck could say anything else, maybe unpack all of that, Eddie picked up the phone.

“Buck, you gotta help me. Christopher…”

“Is here,” Buck interrupted him, trying to soothe Eddie in his panic. “He used your phone to call an Uber.”

“All right,” Eddie said after a sigh. “I’ll be over there in a second.”

“Yeah, all right,” Buck said before hanging up. Looking down at his phone for a second, he sighed before approaching Chris.

“So… I heard about you blowing up at your dad,” Buck said as he sat down in front of Chris, muting the tv. Eddie had texted him earlier about Chris breaking a salad plate in a fit, and Buck just knew the two incidents were connected. It wasn’t in Chris to act like that out of nowhere.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Chris said, dejected, not looking at Buck.

“Well, you’re here, so we gotta talk about something,” Buck said, his heart breaking a little more at Chris’ resistance to talk about things. “Come on, buddy. You were there for me when I needed to talk, so now I want to be there for you. It’s what friends do.”

“Dad’s dating,” Chris said after he sighed, making a sad face after the statement. Buck remembered how Aaron had broken the news of the two of them dating to Jack, and hoping it was the right thing to do, he approached the subject like he had seen his boyfriend do.

“Yeah, that’s gotta be weird for you, huh? Maybe it feels like he’s forgetting your mom, but Chris, I promise you…”

“I wish I could forget,” Chris said, interrupting him, confusing Buck even more.

“Uh… what?”

“People go away, not just mom,” Chris explained. “Abuelita, Carla. They leave and then I miss them.”

And if Buck thought his heart couldn't break more, he was sorely mistaken. Because seeing a kid you love like he was your own, reflecting your own fears and insecurities back at you, well… Buck was learning his heart could in fact break even more.

“I don’t want to miss anyone else,” Chris added, making Buck wish he could cure Chris’ pain.

“Yeah…” Buck said, knowing exactly what he had to say. Chris wasn’t his own, but he loved him as such, and the knowledge that they shared the same fear of being left while heart shattering was also the perfect way for Buck to know how to fix it. “People go away, and it’s sad and it hurts. But, you know, not everyone goes away forever. Sometimes they come back and as much as we miss them, that’s how happy we are to see them again.”

He gathered Chris in his arms, pulling him on his lap. The kid still looked a little sad, so Buck did his best to comfort him as much as he could.

“Your grandma, Carla… you’re gonna see them all again. Your grandma next time you visit Texas and Carla when everything she’s dealing with gets done.”

“Do you promise?” Chris asked, looking up at Buck, his eyes no longer full of unshed tears. 

“I do,” Buck said, hugging his kid tighter. “And until that happens, you still got me,” he added, earning a bright grin from Chris. “‘Cause I’m not going anywhere.”

Chris hugged him and Buck welcomed him with open arms. There was nothing better in the world than a hug from Christopher Diaz.

“Hey, Buck?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

“You’re a good friend,” Chris said with conviction, making Buck chuckle. He hugged him tighter, wanting to imprint the memory on his brain. He knew realistically that with Eddie dating and him introducing Chris to his girlfriend, especially after only a couple of dates, his time with Chris was gonna get shorter and shorter as time went by. 

“It's easy with you, Chris. You’re my best friend. And nothing will ever change that.” 

And until Eddie decided to leave him behind, Buck was gonna be there for Chris until the end of time.

Notes:

9-1-1 COMES BACK TODAY AND WE GET A BUCKLEY DIAZ FAMILY SCENE

Chapter 14: March 13th, 2021

They were in the middle of a date at the Science Museum, with Jack tagging along, when Hotch got the call he had been dreading for weeks. He knew he had been lucky, having more than a month without a case, and at some point it had to run out. He was grateful for the time he was given, even if the last thing he wanted to do was leave Evan and Jack.

“Okay, sir,” Hotch said before hanging up. Dragging a hand through his face.

“Everything okay?” Evan asked as he approached him, Jack still in their line of sight, talking to the tour guide about Cassiopeia, the constellation about love. “Was it from work?” he asked, not reproachful, but curious. 

Looking at Evan while listening, vaguely, to the tale of Cassiopeia, made Hotch want to be impulsive. He didn’t want to be like her, making a fatal mistake and paying for it for eternity, so knowing that the warmth in his chest was starting to feel a lot like love, he took a leap of faith. 

“I have a case,” he said apologetically even if he knew Evan understood, “and Jessica is away for work until Monday. I need to leave now… would it be too much to ask if you can watch Jack until Jess can pick him up?”

His boyfriend’s eyes opened up like saucers, making Hotch want to chuckle. While Evan and Jack had spent time together, it had always been with him or Jess in the room or in the house with them. It would be the first time Evan and Jack spent time the two of them together with no one else. And Hotch knew Evan understood the significance of the getsure.

Hotch knew Evan still blamed himself for what happened during the tsunami with Christopher, he had told him so himself one night after the Buckley parents had bailed on therapy with his son, putting in his head that no matter how hard he tried, nothing he ever did was enough. But he also knew, nothing about that day was Evan’s fault, and if his relationship with Christopher Diaz was anything to go by, his son would be safe with Evan, no matter what.

“Are… are you sure?” Evan asked, fear colouring his voice. “It’s a big step.”

“I’m ready for that big step,” Hotch said cautiously as he approached his boyfriend, taking his hands into his. “But it’s okay if you’re not,” he added, not wanting to pressure Evan. “I can ask Penelope, she almost always stays behind and can look after Jack while not working the case.”

“I… I think I am,” Evan said with a wet chuckle, a few tears leaving his eyes. “How can you trust me so much?”

“You’re a firefighter, you have EMT training and there’s not a cell in your body that would let harm come to Jack,” Hotch said as he cleaned Evan’s cheeks from tears. “I’ve seen you with Chris and I have no doubt in my mind you will care for Jack with everything you have.”

“I will,” Evan said fervently, gripping Hotch’s hands tight. 

“I trust you, Evan,” Hotch said before placing a quick peck on his boyfriend’s lips. 

“And I trust you, Aaron,” Evan said, dipping his head as a blush appeared on his face. “But do you think Jack will want to spend the rest of his weekend with me?”

“He will be thrilled,” Hotch reassured him after a soft laugh. “He thinks you’re the ‘coolest person in the entire world with a job even cooler than my boring one’,” he added, quoting his son with a smile. “This will only strengthen your bond.”

“Then okay,” Evan said with a bright smile. “I will look after Jack until Jessica comes back.”

Not wanting to break the moment, Hotch just kissed him, hoping to pour in that one action everything he was feeling but was too scared to voice out loud. He felt brave with Evan, but there were some fears far too deep to even begin to understand.

–––––––––

Jack was nothing like Christopher, but it wasn’t a bad thing per se. Just… different. Sure, they shared a lot of common interests and personality traits, but whereas Chris was an extrovert and popular kid, Jack was more reserved and shy, almost like a carbon copy of his dad.

He knew that even though it had been four years ago, Jack still struggled with his mother’s death. Much like Christopher, he had lost his mother at a young age, Jack even younger than Chris had been when Shannon had passed, but the circumstances of those events were so wildly different that Buck couldn’t even compare them. Shannon’s had been an accident while Haley’s hadn’t.

Buck knew dating Aaron invited a certain type of danger to his life, different from being a firefighter, and while at certain moments it scared him to death, knowing his boyfriend dealt with the worst of humanity, it also made him value what he had with the older man. In a possibly weird and twisted way.

Even though Aaron was more than willing to let Buck spend the night at his apartment with Jack for the weekend, Buck felt weird with the idea of spending the night at his boyfriend’s place without said boyfriend. Call him old fashioned romantic, but for the first time he spent the night, he would like Aaron there with him. 

While Jack was packing for his stay at Buck’s, Buck was pacing nervously around the room. Aaron was trusting him with his son, and the last time someone had trusted him with their son, a tsunami had happened. Sure, Chris had ended up fine, but he still carried a little bit of guilt at the reminder of all those hours spent away from him. And he didn’t think he could get that lucky a second time.

While it was very unlikely that a tsunami could happen again, the reality of his situation was that he was a danger magnet alongside a string of dumb luck. Aaron hadn’t witnessed it, the fire at the hand sanitizer factory left him with barely a scratch, but it was bound to happen sometime soon. He could almost feel it in his bones.

“I’m ready!” Jack exclaimed, pulling Buck out of his thoughts. He was carrying a small Power Rangers backpack alongside his favourite toy, an old transformer Aaron had bought him a long time ago. 

“Okay, then, Jack, let’s go!” Buck said, clapping his hands on his thighs as he approached the door. “We’ll have to be quick or the security system will start blasting, okay?”

“Okay, Buck!” Jack said as he got his backpack on his back. “Let’s do this!”

Holding back a laugh, Jack and Buck left Aaron’s apartment running. Almost as a competition, which Jack won because Buck had to be the responsible person who locked the door as they left.

The ride to his apartment was uneventful, with Jack providing commentary on everything he had done on his week at school. Even though he had already received the same commentary, from Chris’ perspective during a babysitting night while Eddie was on a date, he paid attention to Jack’s every word, endeared at how different the two kids saw the world.

He wasn’t sure if what he felt for Hotch was love, it was too soon to tell and his understanding of romantic love (his parents, Abby) was a little skewed, so he wasn’t even sure if that’s what he felt. But Jack? He loved the kid, almost as much as he loved Chris, albeit in a different way, and even if he and Aaron ended up breaking up, the love he had for Jack would have him ask Aaron not to cut him out of his life. The kid was funny in a deadpan sneaky kind of way, curious about everything around him, fascinated by magic tricks and science experiments, worshipping his hero dad and wanting to be close to him in any way he could. He thought about the blanket forts they had built during their movie nights, or the way sometimes Jack would grab his hand while walking around museums and parks. 

He wasn’t Jack’s parent, nor was he co-parenting him with Aaron, but he loved the kid, and would do anything to protect him against the horrors he knew the world had to offer. Jack had suffered enough.

“How do you feel about homemade lasagna for dinner, Jack?”

Notes:

1. It's canon that Buck only cooks for people he loves. (Suck it Taylor Kelly with your frozen waffles)

2. Next one, Madney and Hotch meet.

3. I was thinking of making a separate fic with all the little moments between Buck, Hotch and Jack that I've mentioned here but haven't shown, like Hotch talking to Jack about dating Buck, or Buck and Hotch texts, or Buck calling Hotch after the fire in Buck Begins, or more into their first date. Would anyone like that?

4. Buck doesn't know Aaron still lives in the same apartment where Foyet attacked him, otherwise he'd have opinionsTM.

Chapter 15: March 19th, 2021

Summary:

Madney meets Jee-Yun... and Hotch

Notes:

Okay, so... According to Google, 42 weeks after June 5th (when I’m placing the season three finale as per normal high school graduations) is March 24th but because Maddie gave birth a few days after being 42 weeks (and she was already pregnant in the season three finale by at least two weeks), well I made this the date Jee-Yun was born.

Also, in this Universe, there’s no COVID so the regulations they showed on 9-1-1 didn’t happen, meaning people can be in the room with Madney and the baby. But Albert's accident still happened... so there’s also that.

Speaking about COVID, I made a slight modification to March 11th (Chapter 13) in Chris' dialogue, because if there's no COVID, why is he missing people, right?

As Chimney rushed away to welcome his baby daughter, leaving behind the wreck of the freeway accident, Buck couldn’t help but be glad that amidst all that pain and sorrow, a little light had come through. A feeling that stayed with him until May contacted them to say that Albert had been in the wreck and that they had to find him.

After a few but excruciating minutes, they managed to get Albert to the hospital, the same hospital Chim and Maddie were in welcoming their baby daughter. Sometimes the universe screamed so loud, Buck could feel it in his bones.

Buck wanted to be happy, and he was, but the worry about Albert was there as well, eclipsing partially the happiness in his heart. Since Buck had started dating Aaron, Albert had been left to his own devices more often than not, even briefly dating their most recent neighbour, a relationship that ended before Buck could even meet her. He knew the younger Han was struggling with connecting with people, different countries meant cultural differences, so whenever he wasn’t with Aaron, Buck would try to be there for Albert. 

It helped both of them, if Buck was being honest, as the free time he would’ve dedicated to the Diazes was now Albert’s, helping him soothe the ache in his heart, while Albert on his part had someone there for him whenever he wanted to go out or explore the city. They were close, sure, but there was so much clubbing and party Buck could do when all he wanted was to lie down on a couch with his boyfriend and Jack watching a movie underneath a blanket fort.

As he walked through the hallways towards Maddie’s room, he regretted not telling Albert about Aaron. Is not that he thought that Albert wouldn’t accept him for having a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend, but he was still in that relationship spot where there was a bubble just for them (and Jack). Thinking of Albert lying in bed, he realised he needed his boyfriend to start meeting his family. Tomorrow was never promised to anyone, Buck and Aaron knew that better than most, and Buck was tired of hiding.

Standing in front of Maddie’s room, Chim and her oblivious to anyone but their daughter, Buck grabbed his phone and called the only person he wanted there with him who he knew would answer in a heartbeat. Aaron had told him that he was finally flying back from his latest case, so with every ringing of the phone there was a beat of his heart with it, until finally, Aaron picked up the phone.

“Maddie just had her baby, and we can come and see her,” Buck said in a rush, not waiting for his boyfriend’s greeting. “Would you like to meet her with me when you land?”

“We landed an hour ago” Aaron replied, cautiously, even as Buck could hear a smile appearing on his face. “Are you sure?”

“I want you to meet my family,” is all Buck said in a whisper, holding himself tight as tears threatened to leave his eyes. “I want you here.”

“Which hospital?” His boyfriend said while in the background Buck could hear him rushing out of his office.

“First Presbitirian,” Buck said with a firmer tone of voice, relieved in the knowledge that Aaron would be there soon.

“I’ll be there in 30 minutes,” Aaron said with that tone of voice Buck loved that was both soothing and reassuring, almost as if he was hugging Buck with his voice. 

“See you soon, Aaron,” Buck said before hanging up. Aaron was coming, and Buck wouldn’t be alone anymore.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, looking at Maddie and Chimney cooing at their baby, thinking about Aaron hugging him and giving him strength. 

“Hey Buck, whatcha doing standing there looking like a ghost?” Chimney asked, pulling him out of his thoughts. He was looking at Maddie and his daughter, which is why he probably hadn’t noticed Buck’s demeanour. “Come say hi! Maddie is a little tired but man, she was a warrior in there.”

“Chim…”

“Hey, is Albert with you?” he asked pointing at the bag Buck was holding which he had honestly forgotten he had, “he wasn’t answering his phone earlier.”

“Chim… Albert was in the freeway accident earlier… we… we didn’t see him sooner because his car was the first one to get hit… I… he’s in the ICU.”

“What?”

“I’ll stay with Maddie,” Buck said, placing a hand on Chimney’s shoulder, reassuringly. “Go see him, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Maddie…”

“I’m gonna stay with her until you come back,” Buck interrupted, letting his hand drop. “Go, Chim. Albert needs you too.”

Chimney went back into Maddie’s room to press a kiss on her forehead before quietly whispering to her and sprinting out of the room, only looking back once at the end of the hallway. Buck nodded at him before entering his sister’s room.

Maddie was nodding off, the baby asleep on her little hospital bacinet, and Buck’s heart healed a little at the sight. He quickly texted Aaron the room number before putting his phone on silent, not wishing to disturb his sister or his niece.

Before long, Chimney was back, eyes red and puffy and voice a little rough, but optimistic and smiling as always. Buck knew as soon as Chimney stepped into the room that the same sight that had soothed his heart was doing the exact same thing to his friend, so he stayed back as he contemplated the little family that had been born. 

From the corner of his eye he noticed his boyfriend outside the room, and the little broken pieces that hadn’t been fixed by Maddie’s presence, were soothed by Aaron’s shy smile. As quietly as he could, he left the room to greet the person whose hug he craved the most.

“You’re here,” he said as soon as he had his arms around him.

“I’m here,” Aaron replied, hugging him tightly.

Buck was a little surprised at how quickly he had come to crave Aaron’s presence. While part of him still wished it was Eddie there with him, and the other hated himself for still thinking of Eddie first before Aaron, the reality of the situation was that Eddie had made his choices, and so had Buck. Theirs wasn’t a world where they were still EddieAndBuck. They still called themselves best friends, even if the distance between them sometimes felt suffocating.

But in his boyfriend’s arms, there was no room for regret in the name of Eddie Diaz.

A cough surprised him, making him step away from his boyfriend’s embrace, yet not enough to let him go. As if sensing that he needed the comfort, Aaron placed a hand at the bottom of his back, drawing soothing circles with his thumb.

“Hi, I’m Chimney,” Chim said with a sly grin, slightly embarrassing Buck. 

“Hotch, nice to meet you,” Aaron said as he took Chimney's hand and shook it. “Evan has told me great things about you both.”

At the sound of his given name, Chimney’s eyebrows almost touched his hairline, and Buck felt himself flush. The only person who could call him Evan was Maddie, and they both knew the significance of the gesture.

“Maddie would like to meet you,” Chimney said, still looking like the cat who ate the canary. “Please, come in.”

Maddie, who had been asleep the last time he saw her, was awake and happy, a sparkle in her eye that had everything to do with the baby she was holding in her arms. She had never looked more beautiful.

“Mads, Chim…. This is my boyfriend, Aaron,” Buck said, standing awkwardly beside Aaron, who was a little stiff at the door. “Aaron, this is my sister Maddie and well, you’ve met Chim.”

“Nice to meet you both,” Aaron said, waving at Maddie as her hands were a little busy. “Everyone calls me Hotch.” 

“Hotch?” Chim asked, as he looked at them, intrigued. “Because you’re a hot shot in the FBI?”

“Chim!” “Howie!” both Maddie and Buck exclaimed at the same time, albeit Maddie with humour and Buck with embarrassment. 

“No,” Aaron replied, with a small laugh. “It’s a shortened version of my last name.”

“Like Buck,” Chimney replied, eyebrow raising again.

“Kind of like that, yeah,” Aaron replied, a small blush covering his cheeks. Even though Aaron was significantly older than him, Buck couldn’t help but be endeered by his boyfriend’s shyness. He was adorable when he let himself go.

“Wait, FBI?” Maddie asked, her eyes growing two sizes in surprise, “Buck, you didn’t tell me your boyfriend worked for the FBI!”

Aaron just turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised in amusement, making Buck blush in return. Guess he had omitted a little more than he had thought at the beginning. But he knew Maddie wasn’t mad, not even a little, and that they both approved of the man holding his hand, if the big grins and thumbs ups they were giving him were any indication.

Not everything was perfect, but things weren’t looking so bleak anymore.

Notes:

1. Next up: Route 66

2. The shooting will happen but with a twist lol so I won't take into account anything sniper wise in what happened in that episode of 9-1-1. But Buck and Eddie will still be at the center of it. And I guess we'll get our answers as to which pairing is gonna be endgame here fgdshjkgshd (I know it seems Hotch/Buck but.... I don't know the shooting is THEE buddie moment yk?)

Chapter 16: May 22nd, 2021

Notes:

According to the 911 wiki’s page, two months pass between Blindsided and Parenthood. As this is set during First Responders, we’re now in May. Also, because the whole Taylor Kelly storyline didn’t happen, I needed a reason for Buck not to be with the team during that and well… Route 66 was right there.

Also, the most Hotchreid I’ve written so far is in this chapter, so, if that’s not your cup of tea, I’m sorry, but it’s important to Hotch’s character, I promise.

This is also a long chapter compared to the others. Sorry

Hotch woke up startled, gasping for air. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, as the file in his lap pointed out, so he grabbed his phone and, noticing Jessica’s missed call, he called her back, hoping it was just checking in and not something worse.

“Hey, Jessica, it’s me. I’m sorry, I dozed off,” he said, looking around his office, feeling slightly off kilter. “Uhm… is everything all right?”

“Yes, everything is okay, Hotch.”

“Okay, Jack’s all right?” he was having a little trouble focusing on what Jessica was saying.

“Yes, Aaron. I just called to see where you were.”

“Great. Uhm…” Hotch replied, his eyes landing on a picture of himself and Jack taken a few months ago. “I should be there in about half an hour, okay?” 

“Okay, Aaron, just… don’t do it again, okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. Thanks,” he replied distractedly before ending the call. He knew he asked too much of Jessica most of the time, even sometimes more than he should. He had promised Haley to step up to the plate and be the father Jack needed him to be, and while he tried, sometimes he felt like he wasn’t doing enough. 

His phone chimed with a notification, an amber alert on display. Ignoring his dizziness and weird feeling on his chest, he called Jessica once more. He had a job to do and there was no reason to cry over spilled milk.

But it was while standing in the conference room, listening to his team analysing the case and theorising about Samantha’s case, that the odd feeling in his body amplified. He was having trouble concentrating and following everyone’s train of thought, as if he heard their voices muffled by something. 

“She’s been missing for over five hours, and we know how time sensitive these cases are. The AMBER alert is expanding…” he lost his breath in the middle of a sentence, but ignoring the concerning looks Rossi was sending his way, he barreled on. “Every hour.”

But suddenly, he couldn’t soldier on any more. Battling to remain standing, he turned away.

“Excuse me,” he said, before collapsing on the floor, everyone around him calling his name.

As he faded away two thoughts remained on his head: when thinking about Reid screaming his name, that wasn’t the context he had dreamed of all those years ago. And that someone needed to call Evan and Jack as soon as possible.

–––––––––

Buck had decided to arrive at the station earlier than his shift warranted. Everyone was still a little bit weary from Sue’s incident the other day, but he tried to stay in his best mood. If everyone did their job correctively, dispatch wouldn’t have to suffer as much. 

He had briefly considered asking Aaron for help, but he didn’t think Athena would appreciate the FBI stepping on her feet at the police precinct. Besides, his boyfriend was swimming on paperwork; the last thing Evan wanted was to give him more.

Stepping up to the loft, he wasn’t that surprised to see Bobby standing in the middle of the kitchen, ready to start breakfast. He was about to ask the older man to let him help with breakfast, when his phone started ringing, startling him.

Not recognising the number, he answered with caution. Aaron had warned him of the dangers of answering unknown numbers one too many times.

“Is this Evan Buckley?” a high pitched voice asked him in a hurry, puzzling him. It didn’t sound like any voice he’d ever heard before.

“Who’s asking?” he asked after a brief pause, weighing the pros and cons of just hanging up the phone. 

“My name is Penelope Garcia, I work with Agent Hotchner at the BAU for the FBI,” the voice continued, amazing Buck with their ability to speak that fast. “We’re at Sentara Northern Virginia Medical Centre…”

“Is he okay?” Buck interrupted her, dropping all caution. He knew only a person of Aaron’s team knew about them, Garcia, so if she was calling him, something must have happened. “What happened?”

“He collapsed in the middle of the conference room, and when the paramedics took him to the hospital… he was unresponsive. Reid told me his blood pressure dropped in the ambulance while they were on their way. He was worried.”

“Where is he now?” 

“They wheeled him into emergency surgery,” Garcia replied, her voice trembling. 

Buck knew Aaron wasn’t ready to come out to his entire team, but he couldn’t stand on the sidelines while his boyfriend was fighting for his life. Looking over at the side, Buck made a choice.

“I’ll be there in 20 minutes. Will they let me in?”

“Are you sure?” Garcia asked, her voice unsure. “Is just waiting for him to…”

“And I’ll be there,” Buck replied, not leaving room for argument. 

“I’ll make sure to let the hospital staff know to let you wait with me.”

“I’ll see you there,” he said before hanging up. Passing a hand through his face and hair, he collapsed on a chair near him. He just needed a minute.

“Everything alright, kid?” Bobby’s voice startled him. He had forgotten his boss was there.

“Yeah… yeah…” he said, his voice breaking a little in the end. He wasn’t gonna cry in the middle of his workplace, but it was a close call.

“Is Maddie alright?” Bobby asked, sitting down next to him, looking concerned.

“What? Yeah, she’s on shift at dispatch.”

“Jee-Yun?”

“The Lees have her...”

“Buck,” Bobby said, putting his hand on Buck’s shoulder and asking for his attention. “What’s going on?” And it was the weight of Bobby's hand on his shoulder that let the dam break down.

“My… my boyfriend,” Buck replied, tears spilling down his cheeks. “He collapsed out of nowhere at work and he’s in emergency surgery right now… I…”

“I’ll find someone to cover your shift, Buck,” Bobby said, standing up and motioning to Buck to do the same. “Are you okay to drive or want me to drive you there?”

“I… I can drive,” Buck said, cleaning his spilled tears. “Thanks, Bobby.”

“No problem, Buck,” Bobby said with a reassuring smile. “I just expect you to bring him to the next Sunday dinner we have.”

“As soon as he’s better, Cap,” Buck said with a strain on his voice as he went downstairs towards his jeep. He needed to be there for Aaron.

It was a miracle he hadn’t crashed his car, he thought as he crossed the hospital doors, because for the life of him, he couldn’t remember a single moment of the drive. Maybe he should’ve taken Bobby’s offer and let him drive, but… Well, he didn’t know how Bobby would react to meeting Aaron.

And Bobby’s opinion was one of the most important to Buck.

The good thing of having arrived at the hospital still dressed in his firefighting uniform was that no one questioned him when he waltzed through the door. Looking through the hallways of the hospital, he spotted a bright looking woman, dressed in a colourful dress with a borderline neon yellow sweater. 

Everything in her screamed look at me, I’m here, and Buck just instinctively knew, she was Penelope Garcia. She looked slightly frenzied, so very very slowly, Buck approached her.

“Penelope Garcia?” he asked, startling her, making her actually jump. “I’m Buck. Evan Buckley. Aaron’s boyfriend.”

“Oh, aren’t you just so cute,” Garcia said, stepping as if to hug him before stopping. “Sorry, I just…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Buck said with a smile. “I love hugs.”

Hugging her, he sat down next to her. He saw that, while in the waiting room, she was also carrying various laptops with her. As if knowing his question, she sniffled a little and smiled.

“The rest of the team had to go to a case in Wichita,” she said, gesturing to the computers. “I’m supposed to help them while waiting for news on Hotch. They don’t know you’re here.”

“Aaron is not ready….” 

“Sweetcheeks, I know,” she interrupted him, reassuringly. “I’m honoured he trusted me with the knowledge, especially knowing how private he is.”

“He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, no,” Buck said with a wet laugh. 

“He’s getting better since he met you,” Garcia said, her smile growing. “He might struggle a little, but he’s trying.”

“He really is,” Buck replied, smiling and blushing at the reminder of those first texts they shared. Aaron was getting better in sharing how he felt, but most of the time, he kept his cards close to his chest. Jack being his only exception.

“Has anyone called Jessica? She was with Jack because Aaron was working. Does Jack know?”

“Reid called them as he left the hospital,” Garcia explained, “he didn’t want to worry Jack, so we’re waiting until we know some more.”

“Aaron is gonna want to see him when he wakes up,” Buck said, thinking about the way his boyfriend lightened up whenever his son was near. 

“He’s also gonna want to see you, sweetcakes,” Garcia said with a soft smile on her face.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he vowed to her in response. 

Settling himself in the uncomfortable waiting chair, Buck thought he was finally understanding Bobby. Between Eddie and Hotch, he was growing pretty tired of being on the wrong side of those hospital doors.

–––––––––

Hotch woke up and found himself in the backseat of a car wearing a hospital gown. Rossi was in the driver’s seat, but no matter how hard he tried, it was like Dave wasn’t listening to him. 

Resigned, he settled down, looking through the window. Startled, he realised he was in his old hometown, where he had met, dated and fallen in love with Haley all those years ago. A pang of longing and regret coloured his world, and for a minute all he wanted was to be next to his ex-wife.

Rossi parked the car, and in a daze, Hotch stepped out of the vehicle. In front of him was the old movie theatre where he had had his first date with Haley. 

He looked back at his friend, who only motioned him to go on inside the theatre. Taking a deep breath, he did so, only to find himself dressed in a tuxedo standing in front of an empty room where Haley was seated in the middle of the row, looking as beautiful as the last day he had seen her smile. She was wearing a beautiful blue gown with brown specks in it. 

“Haley,” he said in a soft whisper, unsure of what he was seeing or why.

“Hey,” Haley said with a smile. “You’re late.”

“Haley… I…”

“Shhhh,” she quieted him, pointing at the screen in front of them. “You really need to see this.”

In front of him, a film began playing. Only… it wasn’t a film, it was a collection of memories of him and Jack ever since Haley had died. Him coaching Jack’s league, him and Reid with Jack having dinner, just the three of them, Reid teaching magic while Jack laughs, Jack and Reid playing at the park while Hotch and Jessica watch… 

So many memories of Reid he had repressed after they had drifted apart, his grief over Haley overwhelming while Reid became more reclusive and pushed him away especially after JJ had gone to the Pentagon, as if he blamed Hotch for the departure of his best friend. JJ had come back, but whatever they had hadn’t, in fact, Reid had gotten himself a girlfriend himself, and all Hotch was left with was unrequited feelings for his employee. 

Not wanting to see those moments again, Hotch looked away. Thinking of Reid hurt too much. He was his boss and that’s what he always would be.

But then the screen changed, and Evan appeared. His bright smile and joyful laugh filled the room, even through a screen. And Hotch couldn’t help but smile as well. Evan was light and in the darkened room where he was, it was the brightest one, especially when Jack was with him. Jack made him want to be a better father, but Evan made him wanted to be a better man. 

Feeling guilty for his thoughts, he turned away from the screen, only to be stopped by Haley. She grabbed his chin and made him look at the screen.

“He’s adorable, Aaron,” she said with a soft smile. “Look how happy you all are.”

And they were, they really were. But suddenly, Reid appeared on screen again, making Hotch’s heart stop. Reid was looking at him from a distance, Hotch talking on the phone in his office. The younger man had sorrow written on his face, and Hotch oh so desperately wanted to erase it. Reid started walking to his office, and Hotch was suddenly reminded of that day when Reid had tried to talk to him.

He still wondered what that was about, when he was on his own. He hated the small part of himself that still longed for Reid, still thought of him late at night. Wondered what the other man was thinking, feeling. Reid had run away, and Hotch hadn’t chased him down. They had both made their choices, and it was time to start living with the consequences.

“If I didn’t know you had loved me with everything you had,” Haley said, interrupting his train of thought, “I’d be worried about your attraction to younger men.”

“It just happened,” Hotch said with a blush, embarrassed at Haley’s teasing. “The thing with Reid started after we signed our divorce.”

“I know, Aaron, I know,” Haley said with a soft smile. “You aren’t the kind of man who cheats.”

The screen then began showing a collage of Reid and Buck interposed. Haley turned to look at him, her smile dimming a little, before the screen went black.

“They both love Jack in their own way,” Haley said with a sad smile, “and they’re both good to you… in their own way,” she added, laughing up a little. “But you can’t keep going like this, Aaron. It isn’t fair to either of them or you.”

“Haley… They’re not you.”

“No one will ever be me, Aaron,” Haley said with an annoyed voice. “You and me, we had our time, but there was a reason we ended things. We didn’t work out in the end.”

“If Foyet…”

“If Foyet hadn’t killed me, then what? We would’ve gotten back together?” Haley asked, crossing her arms. “That’s not how the real world works, Aaron. That was a fantasy.”

“Haley…”

“I still love you, and I always will,” she said, her tone softening. “But it’s time you let me go and actually let yourself fall for someone.”

“I’m dating Evan.”

“You care for him, you do, everyone can see that. And Jack loves him so much… But is that enough? Or are you holding yourself back?” She asked, in that tone of hers that left room for no argument. “Why doesn’t he know about your nightmares? About everything Foyet did to you? Why haven’t you told him about the apartment, the reason you still live there, as a punishment for your “role” in my death? Why haven't you let him in?”

“I don’t know how to do this,” Hotch replied, his throat closing, “you were the only one who knew how to get me out of my head.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Haley said, pointing at the screen where Jack was smiling brightly at them. “You gotta do what’s best for him, yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to put yourself second. Your feelings matter.”

“I’m over Reid.”

“No, Aaron, you’re not,” Haley said sadly as she stood up, holding her hand out to him. Without a second thought he grabbed her, and slowly they made their way outside. “You’re still thinking of him, you still miss him. I know the way you look at him when you think no one else is looking. He’s the one that got away.”

“Then what do I do?”

Haley let go of his hand and turned around, smiling at him. She placed a hand on his cheek, and rubbed circles on it with her thumb.

“You listen to your heart,” she said as she stepped away, into the street, “and you make a choice. You can’t keep living like this. You have to say what you’re feeling out loud for others to hear. They’re not like you, Aaron. They need the words.”

“I’ll always love you,” he said, as he let her go. “And I’ll keep your memory alive for Jack.”

“Good,” she said with a laugh as she walked away. “You should talk about me more. He misses me.”

“We both do,” he whispered as she disappeared into the night.

Turning around to see Rossi, he was surprised to see it was Garcia waiting for him. Dressed as a chauffeur, she opened the door for him, stepping into the driver’s seat to start the car. 

Deep in thought, Hotch closed his eyes. Maybe it really was time to listen to his heart.

–––––––––

Aaron had gotten out of surgery, and Buck could breathe deeply again. Chimney had just texted him, asking about Aaron while telling him how they had managed to save the kidnapped girl the news had been looking for the last few days. 

Standing up, he motioned to Garcia that he was making a call. He stepped out of the room and he called Chim, hoping his friend would answer. 

“Hey, Buckaroo, how’s your hot shot doing?” Chimney asked. Ever since they met, every time Chimney talked about Aaron, he called him Hot Shot, much to Maddie’s amusement. Aaron was a little embarrassed by the moniker, but he soldiered on with a smile. Buck wanted to hit Chimney, just a little.

“He’s out of surgery, we’re just waiting for him to wake up.”

“Do you know what happened to him?”

“He was bleeding internally so they had to do emergency surgery,” he replied with a soft voice, remembering his panic when the doctor had told them about the magnitude of Aaron’s injury. 

Aaron didn’t really talked about George Foyet, mostly that he had murdered Haley while Jack was in the house and as a vendetta against him for being the agent that put him away. Buck’s google instincts had craved to know more about the subject, but he waited for his boyfriend to tell him all. It was weird how even after all those years, Foyet still managed to hurt Hotch the way he did.

“What?” Chimney exclaimed, startling Buck. “Bleeding internally from what?”

“His stabbing wounds,” Buck said distractedly as he looked at Aaron’s room. A smile appeared on his face when he saw the older man had started to wake up.

“His what?!?!” Chimney exclaimed, but Buck wasn’t paying attention anymore. Aaron was awake.

“I’m sorry, Chim, I’ve got to go,” Buck said as he approached the room. “I’ll call you later.”

And without waiting for a goodbye, he hung up. Taking a deep breath, he was about to enter the room when a shout down the hallway stopped him in his tracks, his smile growing at the sound of Jack’s voice.

“Buck!” Jack exclaimed, as he let go of his aunt’s hand and ran towards him. Buck crouched in order to catch him, carrying him with ease and hugging him tightly. 

“Is Dad okay?” Jack asked with a small voice, looking at Evan with wide eyes. 

“He’s okay, buddy,” he said with a reassuring smile. “In fact, he’s awake. Wanna go see him?”

Jack just nodded, and together, they stepped into the room, Buck’s heart settling at the sound of Aaron’s voice.

“I need to call Evan and Jack,” Aaron was saying, spreading warmth into Buck’s heart at the knowledge that the first thing he wanted after waking up was Jack and Buck, together with him.

“There’s no need for that, sir,” Penelope was saying, a bright smile on her face, “they’re right here,” she added, pointing at them.

And when his boyfriend turned to look at him, Buck’s breath caught on his throat. There were so many emotions in his eyes, Buck wanted to cry. Slowly, he put Jack on Aaron’s lap, his throat closing at the sight. Buck was gonna cry very hard if anyone looked at him too intensely. 

“You’re here,” Aaron said, mirroring the words he himself had said at the hospital all those months ago. 

“I’m here,” Buck replied, approaching his boyfriend, while he was still hugging his son. 

And, in that moment, there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

Notes:

I never liked the way Criminal Minds handled Hotch and Haley, especially after their divorce. Like they were star crossed lovers. They weren’t, they were people who loved each other deeply but simply didn’t work out because they grew apart. This is my small take on that particular subject.

Next up: Reid’s POV

Chapter 17: Reid

Seeing Hotch collapse in front of him was not something Reid was akin to repeat. The hopelessness of having to turn around and fly away to focus on the case while Hotch was lying unconscious on an operating table was a feeling Reid had only felt once, back when Foyet and Haley were around. 

He remembered those days with mixed feelings and emotions, because while Hotch’s divorce had brought them so much closer than ever, Haley’s death had also changed Hotch forever. He still blamed himself for what happened, even after all those years. Foyet’s actions, even if rationally he knew they weren’t his fault, still haunted Hotch’s thoughts.

He had wanted to stay by Hotch’s bedside, fuck what everyone said, Rossi included. The distance between them had been going for long enough, years at that, and Reid was done running away from Hotch. Seeing him collapse brought to the front every single feeling Reid had refused to feel ever since that fateful day when Aaron had asked him to leave.

It had been after the Alaska case, when they had shared a room. Reid had wanted more, had pushed for more than Aaron was willing to give because the feeling of sleeping next to the man had awoken something in him. But Aaron was still grieving, and in a defeated voice, the older man had asked him to go because Jack was sleeping; he had asked for Reid to get some rest and to come back in the morning like usual. 

Except Reid had never gone back, not really. Because he had made a choice, to protect his heart.  Weekly visits to museums and parks had become bi-weekly and then monthly, as Reid kept saying he had made other plans or that he had a paper to finish. Family dinners that were almost daily had come to be so far and few in between that it wasn’t until JJ came back to the BAU and asked him over for congratulatory dinner with her family that Spencer realised he hadn’t had a family dinner in months. 

In his hurt and anger he had refused to understand where Hotch was coming from, because the thing between them had been building and building and building since that day when Hotch taught him how to shoot. And for Hotch to refuse to acknowledge it had hurt, more than Reid was willing to admit.

So he never went back to him, not in the sense that matter, preferring to stay away and putting barriers and barriers between them. Invitations ignored, text messages unanswered, phone calls dismissed. With time, months and months after that night, Hotch eventually stopped reaching out outside of work. Their professional relationship hadn’t suffered, if only a little because Reid started consulting others like Rossi and Emily instead of Hotch.

And the older man realised that when Maeve disappeared, because he hadn’t even known Reid had suffered from headaches. The younger man had made sure his boss never knew the truth, maybe out of pettiness or self preservation. Reid wasn’t sure anymore.

In another timeline, maybe he would’ve never reached out to her, seeking companionship in his loneliness and finding a kindred spirit through phone calls and letters, but he had. And Maeve had died on him, leaving a gaping hole no one could truly understand.

Except Aaron Hotchner.

Because it wasn’t until Maeve’s grief fully hit him that he didn’t truly understand where Hotch had been coming from when Reid had pushed and Aaron had backed down. Grieving was not a linear process, and even if Maeve had been gone for a while, Spencer still reached out to her in the middle of the night. He finally got it, and some days he wished he didn’t.

Some days, Spencer cursed and hated everyone and everything, for introducing him to Maeve, for hurting him by the distance forced upon them, for the pain he was going through as he mourned her. But other days, he loved her so much, he couldn’t be anything but thankful that she had been in his life, even for the short amount that it was. 

But it was then, in the middle of his grief, that Reid had understood that he had also hurt Aaron, and Jack, with his anger and pain. He should’ve at least continued to be there for the kid, who wasn’t at fault for Reid’s complicated feelings for his father. 

4 years had passed since that fateful night, and Reid wasn’t even sure that Jack even enjoyed physics magic anymore. He barely saw him around, and their encounters were far and in between. It didn’t help that they rarely got down time, but still, when once upon a time Reid had made the effort, trying to help Hotch form a connection to his young son, in reality he didn’t even know if Jack remembered him as more than ‘a friend from dad’s work’.

It had been during Hotch’s birthday, honouring those who had left them in a celebration of Day of the Dead, that Reid had felt the full force of his longing for Aaron. Watching as the older man placed a hand on Haley’s picture, clearly still missing her, Spencer realised just how much more confort they had offered each other during Foyet’s hunt. 

And he wanted it back. He craved it with an intensity he hadn’t felt since Tobias Hankle, Hotch’s arms around him, holding him tight. Keeping the pain at bay. Because when Hotch was there, nothing could touch him.

But he needed a plan, a strategy. And who better than Derek Morgan for romantic advice? The man had a serious girlfriend for once, but before that no one could romance better than him.

He had kept it vague and simple, saying he wanted to rekindle a relationship with an older man that hadn’t happened at the right moment. The feelings were still there, and they were both single, so what better opportunity than the one he had in front of him? 

Morgan had listened to him, even if at parts the other man had looked at him like he thought Reid was being obtuse, making him blush. Even though they were all profilers, they tried to not profile each other as much. Trust was needed in a team like theirs, and crossing boundaries would do nothing for trust. 

So Morgan and him had devised a plan. Starting with him reaching out to Hotch after work.

It had helped that Hotch stayed later than everyone else,  still the last one to leave, but every time he thought he had the courage to take that first step, the reminder of Hotch’s heartbroken face stopped him in his tracks. 

He had already hurt Hotch once, was it worth another one? One where they would know what it actually felt like to be together, for real?

But before he could answer those questions to himself, Hotch had started acting weird.

At first it wasn’t very noticeable, Hotch tended to be on his phone more often than others, except for Garcia, because of Jack. As a single father, his son was always his priority. A quality of his that Reid adored.

But then, one day, he had bolted from the plane after a case, not even staying at the office for the paperwork. That in itself was unusual for Hotch, but it was when Garcia told them that Hotch had had a personal emergency but that Jack was fine that alarm bells started ringing on his head.

Because outside of Jack, Hotch didn’t have a personal life.

He tried confronting Hotch in his office, but there was a reason Hotch was Unit Chief and not Reid. The man was a master at hiding his emotions and thoughts, and if he didn’t want Reid to know what was happening with him, Reid would never know.

Not for the first time, he longed for those days when Aaron had let his guard down and shared with him little moments in time only for the two of them to witness. 

No one on the team seemed to know what was going on with Hotch. Not that anyone but Reid or Rossi thought there was something different with the man. For Morgan, JJ and Emily, he was the same man as usual, albeit a little less drill sergeant than usual.

They chalked it up to Hotch finally ending his mourning period over Haley, but Reid wasn’t so sure. He knew Aaron in a way no one else at the BAU did, and his gut was telling him it was far more deeper than that. 

But it wasn’t until Hotch ended up in the hospital once more because of Foyet, that Reid truly felt like he was running out of time. And he didn’t know what to do.

Staying at Hotch's bedside had been a no-brainer, but then Rossi had said that Aaron would’ve wanted him to work the case instead, so reluctantly, Reid had left. And by the time the team had come back, visiting hours were over.

He had tried then the next day, but Aaron had been gone by then. No one was at his apartment and Jessica wasn’t answering his phone. It was like Hotch had banished, so far out of Reid’s reach that he couldn’t even see him.

But Reid wasn’t one to back down from a challenge, and he and Hotch deserved a chance. Reid was sure of that. 

June 13th, 2021

It was Hotch’s first day back at the BAU after his hospital stint. Evan had doted on him as much as he could, taking a week of vacation to spend it with him.

He still didn’t know if what he had seen during surgery had been real or not, but remembering Haley’s words, he started opening up to Evan, beginning with the full truth of what had happened with George Foyet.

Much to his fond amusement, Evan had been horrified at the knowledge that George Foyet had stabbed him and almost killed him in his living room all those years ago. Especially because Hotch still lived there with Jack.

Hotch hadn’t wanted to upset his boyfriend, so he had gone along with Evan’s plan of staying at the loft for his recovery while they found their new home, as Evan kept saying that staying at his loft was better because of all the first responders he had at his disposal. Two paramedics and a former nurse nearby were just the cherries on top, as being with Evan was his main goal. 

Meeting Henrietta ‘Hen’ Wilson had been an introduction for sure, her barreling into Evan’s apartment, professional and demanding, in a loving way. If he were younger, Hotch would’ve been intimidated by her, but as it was, he was glad Evan had fierce friends. All of which had been as horrified as Evan at learning of his apartment. 

He had chuckle a little, making Evan snort as well, his friends concerned a little at their dark humour. But then they laughed as well, acceptance and love filing the apartment. 

He had never felt as accepted by a group of people outside of the BAU as he had by Evan’s family, and with a reluctant smile on his face, he had accepted their fussing over him. He was especially fond of Chimney’s jokes over them being stabbing buddies, jokes that neither Evan nor Maddie found particularly funny, much to Hen’s amusement. 

Introducing Garcia to the mix had been particularly funny.

But it was time to get back to the BAU, and what better time than then, as he had made an offer on a house near his apartment, so Jack wouldn’t have to change schools again. The move was set to go, and an extra key was burning inside his pocket, Evan’s name on it.

However, the move would have to wait, as the case that had landed on his desk looked to be more important than the run of the mill case. A feeling like he had had back with Foyet was growing in his gut, and Hotch started to feel nervous. 

“Remember the sniper we captured in Dallas a few months ago?” He asked his team after the welcomed back had died down, everyone sitting down. “It turns out he had a partner.”

Notes:

Sorry not sorry.

Next Up: Suspicion

Chapter 18: June 16th, 2021

Summary:

Suspicion

“That kid is just lucky he met you .”

Pain.

“Diaz, you want to ride with the kid to the hospital?”

Everything was pain.

“Yeah, that’d be gr…”

Eddie was standing right in front of him.

[Gunshot.]

Eddie was covered in blood.

Silence .

Buck could just stare at Eddie, who was standing in front of him, blood spats covering his face. Time was frozen, and nothing but the two of them existed. For a moment, a single moment in time, they were back to being BuckAndEddie .

But Buck was in so much pain. Was he dying?

“Get down!”

Buck fell backwards, pain numbing him to the frantic yelling of Captain Mehta and the 133. He couldn’t see or hear anything, blood pooling underneath him.  

Eddie… where was he?

“Shots fired, shots fired!”

Mehta and Eddie appeared in the midst of all the chaos, the captain on top of his best friend. Holding him down. 

Buck was looking at him. And Eddie was looking right back at Buck.

“Firefighter down! I repeat, firefighter down!”

Buck reached for him. 

“Shots fired! Shot’s fired!”

Because if he was dying, he wanted to be selfish.

“Firefighter Buckley has been shot.”

Buck closed his eyes.

“Stay with me, Evan. Open your eyes and… stay with me.”

–––––––––

If Hotch hadn’t been cleared by the doctor, he’d be worried about the headache he was having. But in the days since he had learnt that the sniper they had been going after in Dallas had a partner, nothing much had surfaced about the man.

And Hotch’s bad feeling in his gut was increasing. 

The team was gathered around in the conference room, going over the details they had gathered about the previous unsub. The TV on the wall was playing the news, hoping something on the news would tell them something about the newest unsub.

They weren’t making any progress, so he was about to put the case on the backburner until something surfaced, when his phone rang. An unknown number appeared on his screen, making the dread in his stomach grow.

“Hotchner.”

“Hotch,” Hen’s voice broke from the other side of the line, startling him. She sounded… bad. “I got your number from Maddie.”

“Hen?” Hotch asked, worry increasing inside of him. As far as he knew, the 118 was just starting a 24hr shift, as of a few minutes. “Everything alright?”

Behind him, Garcia gasped, covering her mouth. He paid her no mind.

“Oh no.”

“It’s… it’s complicated,” Hen said on the phone, her voice shaking. “We’re at the Sentara Northern Virginia Medical Centre.” 

“What happened to Evan?”

But before Hen could respond, Garcia’s hand landed on his shoulder, spinning him towards the television. There was a picture of Evan, his official photograph from the fire department. occupying the entire screen. He was smiling. At the bottom of the screen the banner “Firefighter shot in broad daylight, downtown” was mocking him. 

“... they report that Firefighter Buckley is a four year veteran of the department and he’s now been transported for immediate medical assistance.”

Hotch couldn’t breathe. It was Haley all over again.

–––––––––

If there was something Eddie never wanted to know, was the taste of Buck’s blood. If he spent the rest of his life never knowing what Evan Buckley’s blood tasted like, Eddie Diaz would’ve died a happy man.

But he knew what Buck’s blood tasted like. And he wished he didn’t.

Flashes of Shannon lying on the gurney in the back of the ambulance appeared in his mind, saying her last goodbye. Buck had looked at him with desperation in his eyes, asking Eddie if he was alright. Begging for Eddie to be alive.

As if it had been Eddie the one who had been shot.

As if it was Buck who knew what Eddie’s blood tasted like.

Eddie wanted to scream.

–––––––––

Reid could only stare as every bit of colour left Hotch’s face, leaning on Garcia’s hand on his shoulder as if it was the only thing holding him up. No one on the team but her knew what was happening, but it had something to do with the firefighter that had been shot downtown.

It had to be connected to the case, but how?

As far as Reid was aware, the main motivator for their newest unsub was revenge. Revenge for his fallen partner back in Dallas. Revenge against the BAU, the people he held responsible for his partner’s capture.

So how could a firefighter be connected to it?

Hotch left the conference room without looking back. Garcia followed him, hot on his heels, cleaning the tears that had streamed down her face. 

Reid shared a look with the rest of the team, confusion ebbed into all of their faces. 

What was going on?

–––––––––

Eddie… Eddie had to be okay. Buck couldn’t understand what was happening, but Eddie was on top of him, asking him to stay.

No one had ever asked him to stay before, but for Eddie, Buck would try.

There was nothing Evan Buckley wouldn’t do for Edmundo Diaz.

–––––––––

For the life of him, Hotch couldn’t remember the drive down to the hospital. He remembered Garcia holding him, her hand never leaving his shoulder. Rossi had been driving, with Morgan in the passenger seat. Prentiss on his other side, staring at him with concern in her eyes. Hotch had wanted to lean on her, she was his friend. 

But only one person in that car knew about Evan.

He couldn’t ditch his team, his friends, as they were trying to be there for him even if they didn’t understand what was going on. 

But the only comfort he craved was Evan’s. 

And he could die. 

Because of Hotch.

It really was Haley all over again.

–––––––––

Eddie couldn’t be there. He couldn’t be. 

He needed to run.

Christopher…

How could he tell Christopher that Buck was hurt, again? He wasn’t even in uniform when it happened. It just… happened.

But something like that wasn’t supposed to happen.

Buck was supposed to be safe from snippers.

( Like Shannon was supposed to be safe from cars? A venomous voice said in his mind.)

So Eddie did what Eddie did best. Eddie ran.

“Christopher needs me,” is what he said, but what he meant was ‘I can’t be here or I’ll die with him.’

So he ran.

He ran and he ran until his lungs hurt. 

He wanted everything to stop.

–––––––––

Hotch entered the hospital in a hurry, barreling down the front door like a mad man, the team trailing behind him as if afraid to lose him. Garcia’s hand was still on his shoulder, as if afraid that the minute she let him go, he would crumble down. Prentiss, Morgan, Rossi, JJ and himself stood a little to the side, unsure as to why they were where they were. 

He knew it was the hospital where the firefighter that was shot had been taken for surgery, but somehow, something was telling him they weren’t at the hospital as the BAU, even though they should.

Hotch wasn’t himself, and it was scaring Reid. The last time he had seen Hotch like that was when Haley and Jack had been on Foyet’s presence. 

His ghost still haunted Hotch, Reid knew it without a doubt. 

But what did the firefighter have to do with Foyet?

Hotch looked about to drown in despair, passing a hand through his face in frustration. The nurse at the front desk was busy on the phone, and Hotch, a polite man raised in southern Virginia, wasn't one for interrupting, not when he wasn’t on the job. Reid decided to approach him cautiously, his hand slowly reaching for Hotch’s other shoulder, the one Garcia wasn’t touching. 

Even if he didn’t understand what was going on, he wanted to be there for Hotch, like he always was for everyone else. Reid wanted Hotch to know he still had his back.

But before he could ask any of the questions plaguing him, or even say some comforting words, an Asian man sitting in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs, stood up, frantic. 

“Hotch! Hotch!” the man yelled, waving his hands, calling for attention. “Over here!”

Startled, Reid let his hand drop as Hotch turned around, almost violently, towards the man calling his name. Hurriedly, they met in the middle, a familiarity between them that made Reid’s nerves prickle.

“Any news on Evan?” Hotch asked in lieu of a greeting. 

How did he know the firefighter? Why was he calling him by name?

What was going on?

“He’s been in surgery for a while, but until his emergency contact or next of kin arrive, we won’t know more for sure,” the man replied remorsefully as he sat down, Hotch sitting next to him. “Maddie is on her way. Mrs Lee was spending the day with her and Jee but now…”

“Is she okay to drive?” Hotch asked, his voice sounding serious. “I can ask someone to pick her up.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” the man said as he gave Hotch a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Mr Lee is driving her up.”

Hotch nodded as if he understood completely, as if he knew the relationship between all these people. As if he knew them.

“I’m sorry, but what is going on?” Rossi exclaimed as he approached the group, his arms crossed and his expression stern.

Hotch didn’t say anything, but a sigh left his lips. It was clear something was weighing him down, eating him alive. And Reid wanted to alleviate his pain.

“Howard ‘Chimney’ Han,” the Asian man said as he stood up, offering his hand. Rossi shook it while nodding. “I work with Buck, I mean Evan, Hotch’s boyfriend.”

Boyfriend? Hotch had a boyfriend?

“David Rossi. I work with Hotch at the BAU.”

“Nice to meet you,” Howard Han said with a chuckle, “Hotch speaks very fondly of you.”

If Rossi was surprised by those words, which he was, he didn’t let it show, even though the rest of the team could tell. Hotch wasn’t one for overt displays of affection, he was more… quiet and subdued. 

“Hi Penelope,” Mr Han said as he saw Garcia, his smile still small.

“Hi Chimney,” Garcia replied, giving the man a small wave.

Garcia knew?

And Reid, for the first time in his life, felt like the stupidest person in the room.

–––––––––

Eddie… where was Eddie?

Buck needed him to be okay.

Eddie was covered in blood.

And Buck wasn’t there to have his back

Eddie… where was he?

–––––––––

Hotch could feel his team burning with questions. He could feel their eyes on him as they introduced themselves to Hen and Chimney, the only ones from the 118 with Evan. It wasn’t how he had expected them to meet, but it was what it was, and there was nothing he could do.

He briefly wondered about Eddie, Buck’s best friend, but then he thought of Christopher, of Jack, and he understood. If Jessica wasn’t staying with Jack as it was usual, Hotch would’ve gone to collect him in a heartbeat. 

But they didn’t know much about Evan. Jack didn’t need to know. Not yet.

He had lost enough.

An older man came through the doors, looking frantic and scared. A woman was behind him, their hands gripped together tightly, looking almost painful. They were both scared, as if something had been ripped off them.

There was an air of familiarity in the way the older man held himself that reminded Hotch of Evan, as well as the determination written in the woman’s eyes. It was only because Evan had told him about his Captain and Sergeant Grant that Hotch knew who they were.

But even if he hadn’t known, he could see they were the parents that mattered to Evan.

If Evan weren’t in a delicate situation, his fate unknown, he would feel nervous about meeting such important people to his boyfriend. He still had bad memories from his time meeting Haley’s parents, as he had been an awkward teenager hopelessly in love with their daughter. Besides, he wasn’t blind to the small age gap between the fire captain and himself.

But it wasn’t a normal situation, and Hotch focus was on Evan, on making sure he would be okay. 

He just needed Evan to be okay.

Maddie broke through the doors, zeroing on Hotch. He stood up and she barrelled towards him, almost tackling him to the floor. He held her tight, knowing how much the Buckley siblings meant to each other. As Evan’s boyfriend, he knew just how much Maddie had impacted Evan’s life. And how much Evan had impacted hers. 

Evan’s death would devastate them all.

He had seen her struggle with PPD, encouraging Evan and Chimney to not leave her alone. She was in pain, and he knew how much she meant to everyone around her. He couldn’t do much, but be there for her.

And it was as if the universe wanted to spare her more pain, because as soon as his arms closed around her, a doctor came towards them, clearing her throat. Maddie let go, immediately grabbing Chimney’s hands, afraid to let him go.

“Family of Evan Buckley?” She asked, even if she looked like she knew them.

“Hi Dr Sanchez,” Maddie said with a wobbly smile. “It’s been a while. This is Aaron Hotchner, Evan’s boyfriend. He can know what’s going on.”

“Evan is out of surgery,” the Doctor said, cutting to the chase, a kind smile on her face as she nodded at him after Maddie’s introduction. “The bullet didn’t hit any major artery or muscle, clean shot through and through. However Mr Buckley had some adverse effects to the anaesthesia, so we’ll have to wait for him to wake up in order to fully know if there’s some extra damage we are not aware of.”

“How long until…” Maddie began to ask, her voice shaking.

“It is unsure, Ms Buckley, it could be a couple of hours or a couple of days, maybe even a couple of weeks. It all depends on Mr Buckley.”

“He’s stubborn,” Chimney said, “he’ll be up in no time.”

“Let's hope that in fact is the case, Mr Han. The sooner we can rule out any major psychological or physiological damages left by the anaesthesia, the sooner Mr Buckley can begin his full recovery.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Hotch said as he shook her hand.

As the Doctor left, Hotch could feel like he could finally breathe. They weren’t out of the woods, but things were looking up for Evan.

“I know you want to be here for Evan,” Maddie said, startling him. “But besides Athena, you’re the only person I trust to catch the bastard who hurt him. You heard the Doctor, he’ll be unconscious for a while and I know you probably want to rest but…”

“I will,” Hotch interrupted her, feeling himself shading Aaron to become Agent Hotchner, Unit Chief. “But please, let me know if there’s any changes.”

Maddie nodded as Hotch let go of her hands, leaning her weight onto Chimney. The other man nodded at Hotch as he started walking away, only stopping once in front of Sergeant Grant and Captain Nash.

“Captain Nash, Sergeant Grant,” he said, extending his hand. “Aaron Hotchner, Unit Chief of the BAU. I know how much you mean to Evan and how much he means to you, Sergeant Grant, so if you’d like to assist with the investigation on the snipper, we’re heading towards the scene of the crime.”

“I’ll join you there,” was all Sergeant Grant said as she shook his hand. 

Not knowing what else to say, he nodded at them as he turned around towards his team. Motioning for them to follow he exited the hospital, a plan forming on his head. If Hotch was gonna help Evan in any way, he needed to become Agent Hotchner once more, leaving Evan with boyfriend Aaron. 

He just hoped he catched the bastard before Evan woke up.

–––––––––

As Eddie put Christopher to bed, his kid completely unaware of Buck’s fate, he made sure to hug him extra tight and kiss his forehead, even if it was becoming more and more common for Christopher to shy away from such displays of affection. He just wasn’t sure if it was more for his comfort than anything else.

As he exited his kid’s room, his phone vibrated in his pocket. 

He had gotten a text.

Hurriedly, he ran towards his room, closing the door carefully, afraid to startle his sleeping son. Christopher needed his sleep.

Hands trembling as they held the phone, Eddie unlocked it, bracing himself for the worst. 

It was a single text from Bobby.

Out of surgery. Doctors say it went well.

Eddie let out a sob, and for the first time since Shannon had died, he let go. Sobs wrecking out of his body, threatening to break him in half.

Buck was gonna be okay.

–––––––––

As they drove back to the BAU, Hotch behind the wheel and Garcia by his side, Reid understood that never, in the entire time they’ve known each other, had the distance between him and Hotch been as broad and suffocating as it was. Reid felt like drowning, with Hotch out of reach.

When had everything become so broken between them all?

–––––––––

As unconsciousness took him, his last thought was ‘I need to make sure Eddie is okay.’

He promised to always have his back.

Notes:

It is canon that pre-therapy Eddie was a runner. When things got hard he ran, from the situation, from his emotions, from the confrotnation of those emotions. Pre-therapy Eddie was kind of in the mind set 'out of sight, out of mind'. Post therapy Eddie would definitely have stayed, but this is an Eddie that is not only dealing with PTSD, survivor's guilt and repression but has also just seen his best friend get shot in front of him and everything he held truth is crumbling down.

Chapter 19: June 18th, 2021

Summary:

The team learns about Buck.

Hotch and Reid... 'talk'.

Notes:

Sorry if Spencer is OOC, I tried my best.

Hotch had been sequestered in his office since the minute the team had arrived at the BAU. He could admit he was hiding, even if he was calling every news outlet to stop them from running with Evan’s picture like they were. It would do them no good if Evan’s picture kept being out there, for the sniper to gloat over what he had done.

The crime scene hadn’t given them anything they didn’t know. Sniper with standardised bullets, only one target, extra shots fired to instigate chaos and panic with no real target. Deadly accuracy and marksman expertise. However, they had learnt that the sniper had been stalking them for a while, possibly since his partner’s arrest back in February as they had found a picture of Evan kissing Hotch goodbye on the front steps of his home, Jack in his arms and smiling at his boyfriend.

Sergeant Grant had been the one finding the picture, which is how she, and subsequently the 118, had learnt that it had been a personal vendetta against the BAU, Hotch, what happened to Evan in broad daylight when nothing was supposed to happen to him.

No one blamed Hotch for Evan getting shot. Not Chim, Hen, Captain Nash or even Sergeant Gran herself. Not even Maddie blamed him.

Only Hotch himself did.

However, as a precaution, everyone involved with the team (Will, Henry and Michael, Savannah, Jack, Jessica) had been put on extreme vigilance in a hotel with several agents patrolling the surrounding area and caution against windows and exposed areas. It broke Hotch’s heart that Jack was well versed in being away from everything he loved for his own protection, Foyet’s memory hanging over him, suffocating him.

Evan had protection outside his room 24/7, everyone afraid the sniper would finish the job he had started. The entire 118 had someone near them at all times as well. They had also been instructed with wearing bulletproof vests to all their emergencies, in case the unsub popped up in an emergency but so far, there hadn’t been a sight of him anywhere in the city. It was as if he had banished into thin air. Even though they had a name, an address and a record, there was nothing they could do to catch him.

The bastard was nowhere to be found.

Sergeant Grant had requested him to let her run her own investigation, saying she worked best solo. He had agreed, remembering all those times Evan had gushed about his mother figure and what a ‘badass cop’ she was. But he had asked her to share with him any of her findings, something he would do in return. She had agreed and they had parted ways, hoping either one of them would find something.

Evan meant so much to everyone who loved him.

Hanging up the phone, Hotch passed a hand through his hair. He could see his team in the conference room, talking agitatedly amongst each other. He could feel their furtive stares every now and then, probably wondering about his relationship with Evan, his need for secrecy. 

They called themselves family, and in a way they were, but having been around the 118, he knew he should open up more, let the team in like he had let Evan in all those months ago. He knew they cared about him, maybe even loved him, so trusting them shouldn’t be a hardship. He already trusted them with his life, what was trusting them with his heart but just the next logical step. 

They were a family after all.

Sighing, he left his office in a slow pace, walking without hurry towards the rest of the team. Garcia was the first one to notice him, her eyes almost popping out of her head at his sight. The rest of the team followed her eyes, and they all pretended not to be shocked by his appearance. Everyone had been kind enough to not point out he hadn’t left the building in over 12 hours, ever since they had returned from the crime scene.

“Hey man,” Morgan greeted him when he entered the conference room. Hotch hated the delicate treatment, as if having Evan lying in a hospital would have him break him apart. 

(He conveniently forgot how he had shot down after learning Evan had been shot the day before, but everyone was nice enough to not mention that either.)

“Everything alright with the prense?” Prentiss asked as she approached him, her arms on her sides, as if she was holding herself from offering a comforting hand. 

“Yes, they’ll stop running Buck’s picture and any mention of how he’s holding up until the sniper is caught.”

“How on Earth did you manage that?” Rossi asked, impressed, his hands on his hips.

“I was a lawyer before I started at the FBI, if you remember,” Hotch said with a smile that he knew didn’t reach his eyes. “I know a thing or two about lawsuits and legal troubles they can find if they piss off the FBI.”

If anyone was bothered by his language, they didn’t show it. But he could see he had surprised them. The last 24 hours had probably been very surprising for his team.

Feeling like he owed them some honesty, he motioned them to sit down.

“Garcia and I found an alias Johnson is using. He last used it 29 hours ago when purchasing the rifle and the bullets,” Reid said as he looked up at Hotch, some of his hair falling on his eyes.

“So we’re just waiting for the alias to pop up again, sir. We’re confident he doesn’t know we know about it, so it’s a waiting game at most… sir,” Garcia added, her energy buzzing throughout the room. He could feel her desire to comfort him, and if he was gonna let anyone on the team comfort him, it was gonna be her.

“Thank you,” Hotch said looking at his team. If he was gonna ever open up to them, it was then and there. They all knew about Savannah and Will, every other girlfriend Rossi had in the look out for wife number 4, every hookup Prentiss had had, Garcia and her dates.

Reid and Maeve.

“I met Buck during Show and Tell back in November, the first one Jack had at his new school. We saw each other again a few days later at a park, where he was with the son of his best friend. While Jack and Christopher talked, Buck and I got to know each other. We exchanged numbers after that,” a small smile appeared on his face at the reminder of that day, “and I know I broke every rule on the dating book when I texted him not even 20 minutes after we had left the park.”

He wasn’t looking at his team, embarrassed at his show of vulnerability, something deeply ingrained in him after so many beatings at his dad’s hands. It was something he was working out with Evan, a man who wore his heart on his sleeve at any given time.

God, he missed him so much.

“After that, we started texting every so often, almost daily, whenever one of us had a bit of free time. He’s a firefighter, so his schedule isn’t exactly 9 to 5, so he’s more… tolerable of my own volatile schedule. He… understands what it is like to be devoted to a non regular job.”

“A smile? Hotch I didn’t know you could do that outside of Jack,” Rossi teased with a smug smile on his face, crossing his arms behind his head. “Is it because he’s a man that you didn’t tell us?”

“I’m not exactly in the closet,” Hotch said, holding his hands together on top of the table. “But I don’t exactly scream at the top of my lungs that I’m bisexual.”

“You’re not exactly someone who shares a lot about themselves, Hotch,” Morgan said, not unkindly. “It’s who you’ve always been.”

“I know,” Hotch said with a sigh, fighting the urge to mess with his hair again. “But I’ve been told that not everyone is me, that some people need to hear the words in order to understand.”

“Buck?” JJ asked, her eyes full of compassion and understanding.

“Haley, actually,” Hotch said with a small smile at the memory of his ex-wife. “It just took me a while to put it in practice.”

“He makes you happy,” Prentiss said, a small proud smile on her face. He felt himself mirroring her a little, happy with the team’s acceptance. 

“I love you.”

The entire team froze, no one moved a muscle. It was as if everyone in the room was afraid of even breathing, air deadly silent and paralysing. If a pin had dropped at that exact moment, everyone in the conference room would have heard it.

“Reid…” Hotch said, unsure as to how to continue. Months ago, those three words would’ve caused him the greatest happiness in the world. Hell, even a few weeks ago those words would’ve troubled him a great deal, especially after his dream during surgery.

But having seen Evan bleeding out, in the middle of the street, Eddie Diaz dragging him underneath the firetruck, carrying him firefighter style towards the truck, Evan’s eyes glazed over… There was no question in his mind who his heart truly belonged to.

He would always love Reid, cherish those moments they had shared all those years ago, patching each other up and leaning on each other when the rest of the world couldn’t understand what they had been through. Reid had been his first love after Haley, full of possibilities and fears, hopes and mistakes. 

But the love he felt for Evan was something they had built, something real and tangible, not a feel good fantasy. Reid’s love was like a storm on its own, tearing everything apart inside Hotch’s heart, leaving havoc in his wake. But Evan’s? Evan was the gentle breeze of a summer day, cooling and refreshing after the hardship of the heat. 

“It's too late for this,” Hotch said as he stood up, “we should all go home, be with our loved ones until something pops up that will lead us to the sniper.”

“Hotch…” Reid said, pleading with him.

“It’s late and we’re all tired,” Hotch said, doing everything in his power to ignore the man that once had held his heart in his hands. “I’ll call you all if Garcia finds anything.”

“Hotch, I love you!” Reid screamed, halting everyone in their attempts to leave.

Hotch felt his skin prickle with nerves and anxiety. He didn’t want to deal with any of that, he just wanted to be with Evan. 

“Reid, not now.”

“If not now, then when?” Reid said, standing up and approaching him. “When you marry him? When I’m standing there watching you choose someone that isn’t me because you think I don’t love you back?”

“Reid…”

“I pushed you away when I shouldn’t have and I am sorry, Hotch, I am. I’ve regretted that ever since I left your house. I was hurt and young and stupid. I should’ve been more understanding of your grief and your pain. I should’ve known you were saying ‘not right now’, not ‘not ever.’”

“That was a long time ago, Reid,” Hotch said, taking a step back away from the younger man, crossing his arms on his chest. He needed space.

“It wasn’t until I lost Maeve that I understood what you felt after Haley, and by then I was the one who needed more time. But Hotch, I have loved you for so long. Ever since you taught me how to shoot, maybe even since I met you.”

Hotch only sighed, uncrossing his arms. He passed a hand through his hair. The team was looking at them both like a bomb was about to explode, and Hotch was doing everything in his power to hold his anger at bay. He understood why Reid pushed, but Evan was lying unconscious in a hospital bed. 

It really wasn’t the time.

“Reid, we both made our choices, and yes, I’ve regretted most of them from the moment that I made them. Letting you walk away without explaining myself that night is one of my biggest regrets. We had something, and it was… it was great, Reid. You mean… so much to me, but it’s too late now. Our timing… is never right. Maybe there is a reason for that. Love is… not enough for a relationship to work out.”

“Give us a chance, Hotch, please,” Reid begged as he approached him, his hand stretched out to hold him. 

“I’m sorry Reid,” he said, taking a step back, crossing his arms once again. “But… I love Evan, and that’s never gonna change, even if we don’t work out in the end.”

“I lost you, didn’t I? Even before I could really have you.”

At that, Hotch said nothing, even if he could feel his own heart breaking apart. He wondered about the what if, what if he took a chance and held Reid’s hand, letting himself have what he always wanted but never could have. Not really.

Reid had always been an unattainable dream, too much between them for it to be a real possibility. But by God did Hotch love him.

“We could’ve been great, Aaron.”

“I know, Spencer. I know.”

He chose Evan, and he always would, even if he felt like his heart was tearing itself apart in two.

Chapter 20: June 23rd, 2021

Summary:

Buck wakes up

Notes:

I'm not done hurting Eddie and Buck.

It had been a week since Buck had gotten out of surgery and there was no change. He was still unconscious, asleep, his family keeping vigil by his bedside.

Eddie liked to tease Buck that he was a drama queen, waiting for a dramatic entrance or exit at any given time. But as he thought of his unconscious best friend, lying in a hospital bed, he knew that if he had the chance, he would give everything he owned to see Buck’s bright blue eyes open once more. 

The doctors tried to remain positive, even if they were cautious as to Buck’s unconsciousness. They kept repeating the words ‘extremely rare adverse effects to the anaesthesia’, even if by day 3 those words had lost all meaning to Eddie.

Maybe because it was Bobby saying those words to him, trying to explain it to Eddie to the best of his abilities. Eddie hadn’t been back to the hospital since that fateful day. 

He had burnt the shirt and the pants and the entire uniform he had worn that day. Ripping it to shreds before burning it to ashes. Bobby had understood, even with all the paperwork that came from having to request a new uniform.

Same as everyone understood his reluctance to visit Buck’s hospital room. 

Even Maddie understood. And she was Buck’s sister.

No one blamed him for saying he needed to be there for Christopher, who hadn’t taken well the news that his Buck was hurt. They had held each other tightly, as if hoping that with a hug they’d be able to stay away from breaking apart.

It was Shannon all over again.

Eddie knew he should’ve been there for Buck as well, but he couldn’t. He hadn’t been able to when Buck had been trapped underneath the ladder truck, when the bond they shared wasn't nearly as deep as it was two years later. 

Eddie was sure that if he went, he’d never be able to leave.

So he stayed away, relaying on the 118 for updates on Buck’s, on their kindness to keep both him and Christopher from falling apart. Bobby and Abuela kept them fed, while Karen and Hen kept them entertained. Carla was a godsend as she always was, staying strong when they needed her the most.

But even with all of them around the house, Buck’s absence was so clear, Eddie could almost taste it at the back of his mouth.

Just like he could still taste Buck’s blood on his lips.

Ana had tried to be there for them, for him, but Eddie didn’t have the energy to entertain her, to pretend for her. She tried her best, and Eddie was thankful for it, he was, but if she tried to touch him one more time he would end up screaming. 

She wasn’t Buck, and that bothered him more than it should have.

Bobby told him that Athena and the FBI had caught the snipper a few days after Buck had landed in the hospital, relying on various aliases the man was using to get away. Bobby didn’t explain much, not why the FBI had been involved or the reason the 118 had been targeted. They had had to wear bulletproof vests during the shifts before the capture, Eddie’s chest hurting at seeing how everyone had their partner to help them with the vests.

Ana had tried to help, but Eddie had pushed her away. Her hands fastening on his vest felt wrong, like a betrayal of the worst kind. She wasn’t his partner, she had no right to do any of that. His partner was lying unconscious on a hospital bed, a tube helping him breathe. Besides, if he had his partner by his side, he wouldn’t need to wear a bulletproof vest.

But then the sniper had been caught, nobody else had gotten hurt and the vests were no longer necessary. Everyone felt like they could finally breathe, as everything was going back to the way it should.

Except that his partner wasn’t by his side.

–––––––––

Buck’s memory was nothing but pain, gunshots and screams. His head was hurting, his shoulder was burning and his hands weren’t cooperating with him. Buzzing all around him kept the headache pounding on his head, but none of that mattered at the memory of Eddie’s eyes looking at him.

He had to reach Eddie, to get him to safety.

He could smell antiseptic in the air, beeps coming from a machine nearby, soft voices mumbling nearby, words still unknown to him. He tried moving, but everything hurt too much. The machines beeped harder, and Buck’s headache worsened. 

Eddie was covered in blood, was he hurt?

He felt someone grab his hand, squeezing it softly. They placed a kiss on his fingers, while a hand combed through his hair. He felt safe and sound, secure with whoever was touching him so lovingly. Brown eyes appeared in his memory, full of warmth and love when they weren’t hardened by what they had seen. Buck wanted that love.

“Aaron,” he said with trouble, every letter hurting his lips as they left, but with the reverence of a blessing and a prayer as he said them. 

Aaron could keep Eddie safe.

–––––––––

“Eddie, he’s awake,” Bobby’s voice boomed from the speaker on his phone, breaking the silence that had permeated the Diaz’ household ever since a sniper had shot Buck in broad daylight. “He’s awake and asking for you.”

And Eddie wanted to laugh, to cry and to scream. Because Buck was awake and he could finally see him, hold him, make sure he was alive and blood was pumping through his veins.

But Eddie couldn’t do it.

He just couldn’t.

Because he was a coward.

“I’m sorry Bobby… Chris…” he said as he looked away from the phone, shame burning through him at the memory of dropping Chris with his abuela. 

“Is okay, Eddie,” Bobby said, his voice sounding soft. “I just wanted you to know he’ll be okay.”

“Thanks Cap and…” Eddie said, unsure of how to put into words what he wanted to say, but before he could figure it out, Bobby hung up on him, leaving him alone with his demons.

He wanted to be there for Buck, hold him and never let him go. But his skin was itching and he couldn’t breath. He wasn’t ready to see him; he just needed a little more time to sort everything out. 

Picking up his phone once more, he dialled a number that he knew wouldn’t really help but would keep the demons at bay. The person picked up at the 4th ring, and Eddie forced himself to smile.

“Hey, Ana, could you come over? I'd like to properly apologise to you.”

Eddie still had time.

Notes:

If anyone is interested, I can expand on the whole 'tracking down the UnSub' where Athena and Hotch went together to arrest the man who hurt Buck, in the 'out takes' stories that I have for this verse.

Next Up: Welcome home Buck aka the 118 meets the BAU

Chapter 21: July 23rd, 2021

Summary:

the tag 'Bobby Nash Acting as Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parental Figure' has entered the chat room

In the first month after Buck had woken up from his coma, three weeks after he had left the hospital, he had been going insane. Being cooped up hadn’t proved exactly great the first time around, ending with a lawsuit towards the people he loved the most as a result. Thankfully, Aaron had not only not broken up with him, but had asked him to stay with him at his new house for the entirety of his recovery, requesting time off work to be there for Buck, which sadly ended up being just the first two weeks of his recovery, as he had been forced to go back to work when a case had requested his presence.

He had understood, more than ever, and had even kicked his boyfriend out of his house as the older man had been reluctant to leave. Buck had been thankful for his constant presence and worry, but neither Aaron nor he were meant to sit idle while life passed them by and everyone around them kept on living. People still got hurt and serial killers still needed to be hunted. The world couldn’t wait and neither could they. 

But after a month, the doctor had finally cleared him, and he was ready to start PT, if only to have something to do while Jack was at school and Aaron was at the office. The house was big and lonely without either of them. 

That had been one of the things that had changed during his recovery, which he had been spending at Aaron’s. Living full time with a kid was… an adjustment to Buck’s routine. Not bad, just different. 

He loved Jack, who was a curious and intelligent kid. Much like Christopher, Jack had made his way in Buck’s heart to never leave, and Buck loved him unconditionally. There was little to none he wouldn’t do for those kids. But being there 24/7 for a kid’s routine was different than just being dad’s best friend/boyfriend. For once, he had been witness to one or two tantrums, as well as the earful that followed. Buck didn’t know how Aaron stood strong, because if it had been Buck, he would’ve folded like a wet blanket. 

(In the most secret parts of his mind, he wondered about the kind of parent he would be if Aaron ever asked him to step up, maybe even if he lived there permanently.)

But in the month that had passed, he hadn’t seen either Eddie nor Chris, at least not in person. Chris would often call or text, sometimes play online with Jack and call for Buck if Jack acknowledged him in any way, but his father was a no show. Bobby, who would call often, would tell him that it was because he had had a hard time when Buck got shot, while Chris would tell him all about the stuff Ms Flores would be doing with them.

(Some bitter, nastier part of Buck would then say that Eddie hadn’t had such a hard time if it was so easily soothed by his girlfriend.)

But Eddie’s absence was soothed by the constant presence of Aaron’s team at his place. The 118, minus Hen and Chim, were waiting for the right time to meet, as Buck’s recovery didn’t allow for much fanfare as of yet. 

(Buck was still a little anxious about introducing Aaron with Bobby and Athena. And there was little the 118 didn’t celebrate with a party at the Grant-Nash backyard.)

For the BAU though, Buck had had the surprise of his life, mainly with David Rossi. On one hand, he had only heard of the man through his books, so knowing just how much of a shit he really was was a bit of a whiplash. But then he saw how much he liked to tease Aaron and it had demystified the man a lot, making it easier for Buck to get along with him.

Emily Prentiss and Derek Morgan had similar energy between the two of them, an energy that vaguely reminded him of Hen and Chim. Buck liked it when they were around because they didn’t treat him like an idiot or a delicate flower, as many people who first met him did.  Instead they saw him for who he was and liked who they saw, joking around with him after a few days. And if Penelope was around, well, the laughs weren’t far behind.

JJ, for her part, reminded him a little bit of Maddie. Buck liked to think they would be great friends, once they met, but so far with Maddie’s pregnancy and her weird mood, well… they hadn’t had the chance to meet. But Buck was sure theirs would be a friendship like no other. 

Spencer Reid was an enigma for Buck. For once, Aaron had seemed reluctant to let him inside his house, only relenting when the man greeted Buck with glee, even more so than Garcia’s. The team had seemed awkward at first, looking at each other as if unsure how to proceed, seeming shocked when Spencer started asking Buck questions. He thought of him as someone curious and relentless, someone who really wanted to know who Buck was. There was no malice or animosity on his behaviour, but the tension on Aaron’s shoulder had made him uneasy. 

He was the one who had visited less often, never alone, and Buck didn’t know what to really think of it. He could see there was a story there, but what the story really said was unclear to him. If it was important Aaron would tell him… right?

But the month had come and gone and Buck was ready to tackle the next obstacle on his path. Bobby had offered to drive him so Buck was waiting for him at the porch. Aaron was inside with Jack, giving Buck the space he needed to greet Bobby.

Once Bobby’s truck appeared on the street, Buck beckoned him towards Aaron’s house. Bobby’s face of surprise enacted a chuckle out of Buck. Aaron did live in a beautiful neighbourhood. 

(Bitterly, Buck thought back to those first days with Aaron, when he realised that Aaron lived nearby to Eddie. Buck’s refusal to walk around the neighbourhood and visit the park had nothing to do with that, though.)

“If I had known you were on the way, I would’ve asked Eddie…”

“He’s busy,” Buck interrupted the older man, hurt at the sound of his best friend’s name. “Chris told me they were going to the zoo with Ana today.”

“Oh,” Bobby replied, his smile dropping. “I thought Eddie had some errands to run.”

Buck just shrugged, looking at the window. Eddie’s behaviour made no sense to him, especially after the lawsuit and fight club. They had promised each other to never lie or hold anything from each other, but ever since the well… Eddie had changed. And Buck didn’t understand what he had done wrong.

(Guess everyone did leave him behind when he became too much after all.)

Ignoring the pang in his chest at the realisation, Buck decided to address a particular elephant in the room, if only because it was less painful than Eddie. Were they even still best friends after all?

“Why haven’t you been around?” Buck asked, curious. “Is it really because you don’t wanna overwhelm me?”

“You’ve been through a lot, Buck,” Bobby said calmly as he turned on the signal, ready to turn left towards the PT centre. “You don’t do well overwhelmed.”

“I don’t do well abandoned either,” Buck said, bitterness slipping into his tone. “Remember last time?”

They both winced at the reminder of the lawsuit, a period of their lives filled with regret and pain. If only Bobby had spoken the truth, the entirety of it; if only Buck had talked to someone, spoken out loud. Some mistakes needed to be taken in order to really learn from them, but Buck could really do with a no lawsuit redo if he could. 

“You haven’t introduced me to your boyfriend,” Bobby said reluctantly as a sigh escaped his lips. “I thought…”

“You’re my father in every way that counts,” Buck said as the PT centre appeared on the windshield. “I thought you knew that.”

“You think I wouldn’t approve?” Bobby asked instead as the car came to a stop in front of the centre, ignoring Buck’s statement. “That I would look at him and place my judgement? It’s not my place, Buck.”

“Guess not,” Buck replied as he unbuckled his seatbelt, unwilling to meet Bobby’s eyes and shrugging. “Maybe I’ve been putting too much stock in the relationships around me and I need to take a step back. Has happened before,” he added, the memory of Abby appearing behind his eyes.

“Buck…”

“I’ll call Aaron to pick me up once I’m done,” Buck said as he stepped out of the vehicle, looking at the centre instead of at Bobby. “Thanks for the ride, Cap.”

And with that he turned around, ready for a session of PT. As he walked towards his appointment, he grabbed his phone and called Aaron. His boyfriend picked up at the first ring, putting a smile on Buck’s face. 

Aaron didn’t have to do much in order to get Buck to smile. 

“Hey, handsome,” Buck said, flirtily, as the receptionist asked him to hold. “Miss me already?”

“Always,” the older man replied with a chuckle, making Buck’s smile softer. “Everything alright with your Captain?”

“Not really,” Buck replied as the smile on his face dimmed. “I was wondering if you could pick me up instead. With the offer of my company as a reward.”

“Add in a milkshake in there and you have a resounding yes,” Aaron said with a smile.

“I’ll even make it pistachio, especially for you,” Buck said, his cheeks hurting from the smile. “Heathen.”

“It’s called having taste, Evan, nothing more and nothing less.”

“Right, ‘cause pistachio is such a popular flavour, not at all catered only to old people like yourself.”

“Suddenly, I’m feeling too tired to drive. Must be my old bones.”

Laughing, Buck followed his PT trainer, the same man who had helped him back when the firetruck landed on his leg. Armand was his name.

“No, you’re just the right amount of old to be sexy and not gross,” Buck replied teasingly, a warmth spreading on his gut at the image of his boyfriend in a white tank top doing yard work. “Perfect for me to take.”

Even if he couldn’t see him, Buck could perfectly picture Aaron’s blush, spreading all the way to his neck. In a wild take for him, he and Aaron hadn’t done anything sexual in all their months of dating. Buck 4.0 knew sex was meant to be more than just a release of endorphins. 

But between Aaron’s crazy schedule, his own erratic hours, Aaron’s stint at the hospital and then the shooting, Buck and Aaron’s alone time had been practically zero. And don’t get him wrong, he loved Jack with an intensity he hadn’t felt since he had met Christopher, but there was only so much Buck could look at without touching before going insane.

“Your doctor hasn’t given you the okay to do anything yet,” Aaron replied in a grave voice, clearly as affected by Buck’s words as Buck himself was. He could be embarrassed at having a semi during PT but back then he had been single and lonely, every bit of contact igniting a reaction in him. There wasn’t much Armand hadn’t seen and he was a professional, entirely devoted to his own husband for years. “Behave.”

“A milkshake might do wonders for my behaviour,” Buck replied, bringing the conversation to safer areas. “What do you say?”

“We'll be there in an hour,” Aaron said with a smile, “waiting for our milkshakes.”

“Tell Jack to wait for me for his science homework,” Buck replied with a smile as Arman pointed at the clock, indicating their session was about to begin. “I know just exactly how to tackle it.”

“I’ll tell him,” Aaron said with a light laugh, igniting fire inside of Buck. “See you in an hour.”

‘I love you,’ rested at the tip of his tongue, but Buck held himself back. Aaron was the real deal, the true kind of thing, and if they ever said those three words, Buck knew he had to really mean it. He had to know that the love that he felt was for real.

And, if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t really sure he really knew what love was. 

An hour later, Buck was reminded of why he hated PT so much. His shoulder was sore and his entire existence was painful, even the act of breathing hurt. He just wanted to lie down and rest forever, his boyfriend next to him, with Jack in between them, the entire world forgotten outside their door.

As he stepped away from the place, Armand’s words ringing in his ears to keep his training going even if he wasn’t at the centre, he spotted Aaron’s truck sitting at the curve, waiting for him. The other man was leaning against it, his broad shoulders and arms fitting nicely in a t-shirt that must have been delivered by the gods themselves. He was wearing comfortable jeans and tennis, and for a man who constantly wore suits, the sight of him in casual clothing was absolutely mouth watering. 

“I think you’re in the wrong place,” Buck said flirtatiously as a smile appeared on his face. “The model agency is that way”

“Then why is someone as handsome as you leaving this place if models don’t work here?” Aaron replied in the same tone, his face red.

At that, Buck couldn’t hold back his laugh, making Aaron laugh in return. Flirting had never been their forte, and Buck wondered if maybe that was one of the reasons they worked so well.

“You guys are weird,” Jack piped from the back of the truck, his window down. 

“We’re very weird,” Buck nodded as he approached them, placing a kiss on Jack’s forehead. “But you’ll forgive us for that, right?”

“After some ice cream, yeah, definitely,” Jack said, nodding so hard Buck was momentarily worried about his neck. However, before either he or Aaron could step up onto the car, someone behind them cleared their throat, startling Buck. 

Turning to look at his boyfriend, who was the image of composure, Evan turned around to see Bobby standing awkwardly at the entrance, holding a cup of coffee and a magazine awkwardly in his hands. 

“Bobby?” Buck asked, confused. “I thought you left a while ago.”

“I couldn’t leave without telling you what I should’ve told you a long time ago, Buck,” Bobby said, anxiously, as he stepped forward, his eyes never leaving Buck.

“Bobby…”

“No, Buck,” Bobby said resolutely. “I should’ve told you this years ago. Back when I first met you, even against my will, you wormed yourself into my heart and never left. Once you told me I was one of the most important people in your life, and I never said anything back but Buck, you must know. You’re as important to me as I am to you.”

Words got stuck on Buck’s throat, his eyes getting full of tears. His boyfriend’s hand on his back was the only grounding presence he had in the midst of all the chaos on his mind. Bobby, understanding that Buck was overwhelmed, turned to look at Aaron, a look of clarity in his eyes.

“I’m Captain Robert Nash,” Bobby said as he took a step towards Aaron and thrusted his hand his way. “Buck is like a son to me.”

“I’m Aaron,” Aaron replied as he took Bobby’s hand. “Buck’s boyfriend.”

“I’m very glad to finally meet you,” Bobby said as they dropped their hands. “Not every day you get to meet the person who puts that smile on your kid’s face.”

Before Bobby could say anything that could make Buck cry harder, Buck intervened, knowing exactly what Bobby needed to feel at ease. Everything was better with ice cream after all.

“Bobby, would you like to go for milkshakes with us?”

And Bobby’s blinding smile in return was all Buck needed to know that, no matter where everything else in his life stood, his relationship with Bobby had never been as solid as it was in that moment. 

And it was a great feeling to have.

Notes:

I know I said this chapter would be the 118 meets the BAU but well... this happened instead.

Also, if anyone is interested in any sort of smut for these two, let me know. I can try my hand at it but if not, these is as far as I've ever gone before lol. The smut would be published separetely as this fic will remain for teen and up audiences.

Thank God canonically speaking, Aaron and Buck are awkward flirts when it matters otherwise I wouldn't know how to write their flriting.

Next Up: Aaron is a good boyfriend and Eddie calls Buck

Chapter 22: August 16th, 2021

Notes:

Re-reading the fic I realised I said in the last chapter that Buck was staying at a house with Aaron and Jack near Eddie’s, but I also said in earlier chapters that Aaron still lived at the same apartment where Foyet hurt him. So, I fixed my mistake by adding a sentence in the ‘Reid’ chapter, on June 13th, 2021 where, during Hotch’s recovery post Route 66 he’s “looking for their new home” and “he had made an offer on a house near his apartment, so Jack wouldn’t have to change schools again. The move was set to go, and a key kept burning inside his pocket, Evan’s name on it.”

I also made an edit on the start of past chapter, with the sentence “Thankfully, Aaron had not only not broken up with him, but had asked him to stay with him at his new house for the entirety of his recovery, requesting time off work to be there for Buck, which sadly ended up being just the first two weeks of his recovery, as he had been forced to go back to work when a case had requested his presence.”

Tags for this chapter: Medical inaccuracies.

Hotch could see his boyfriend struggling with physical therapy, enduring it with a brave face even though all he wanted was to scream and curse because of the excruciating pain. As he looked around the recreation centre, covered with pictures of people laughing and smiling during their PT, he couldn’t stop the snort that left his nose. Nobody laughed during PT.

As his boyfriend ended his session, sweat running through his forehead and arms, Hotch held back the wince at Evan’s pained face. Captain Nash, “call me Bobby, please” , was behind him, talking with Evan’s trainer about achievable goals and dates. From Evan’s expression, Hotch could guess it wasn’t going the way he wanted.

Wanting to salvage the situation and spare his boyfriend the frustration that came with not being able to do his job, he approached him with his favourite drink post training, a protein shake. Evan’s smile was worth the amount of money that protein cost.

“They’re saying I’m looking to go back to work by late November,” Evan said with a grimace after a sip of his drink. “Even though the damage wasn’t even that extense.”

“They’re being overly cautious,” Hotch deduced, remembering Evan’s retelling of his recovery post crash injury, blood thinners and all. 

Evan nodded, feeling dejected. “I don’t know who I am if I’m not a firefighter.”

“I know,” Hotch said soothingly as he passed a hand through Evan’s damp hair. “What if you talk to Captain Nash?”

“Bobby,” Evan emphasised with an amused smile, “and I have talked, this is his compromise.”

Hotch winced, making Evan laugh. After kissing his forehead, he helped him make way towards the car, leaving the centre behind. Helping his boyfriend hold his weight reminded Hotch how easily Evan could manhandle him, as a firefighter. Warmth spread through his lower belly at the thought, and Hotch scolded himself. It really wasn’t the time.

Soon, they reached the car and Hotch stood back as Evan got himself ready to go. He could see his boyfriend was struggling a little but, but not enough to intervene. Hotch would never forgive himself if Evan’s self-assurance got hurt because he was feeling over-protective.

Hotch got himself on the driver seat, waiting for Captain Nash to bid them goodbye. The man usually drove Evan to his PT while Aaron was still in the office or on a case, only driving him back when the latter happened. Usually, he would bid them goodbye and head home, but something in Hotch’s gut was telling him there was more going on.

“I was gonna ask you on the way home but your captain looks like a man on a mission, so please, don’t be mad,” Hotch said to his boyfriend as he was proven correct when Captain Nash approached them with Armand following him, a guilty expression on his face. Turning to look away from Evan, Hotch suppressed his sigh. However, before either of them could say anything, Hotch spoke, startling the captain.

“Captain Nash, Mr Rodriguez,” Hotch welcomed, “I’m glad you’re here. I was just telling Evan that I was wondering if it’s possible for him to train with me for the FBI Triathlon that happens in November.”

Armand’s face lit up while Captain Nash looked gobsmacked. Hotch didn’t want to antagonise the man, but limiting Evan would only cause friction in their relationship, no matter the compromises they’d make. A Triathlon was a little excessive, yes, but they didn’t have to win, only participate. Evan would have a goal and once he proved the training only strenghtened him, he could go back to work sooner than the Triathlon.

“That’s an excellent idea, Agent Hotchner,” Armand said with a smile, his guilt disappearing. “It would serve Evan’s overall recovery and help him achieve the condition he was in before the shooting in a less painful way.”

“How?” Captain Nash asked, curiosity picked. 

“Exercise is still as effective but in lower impact on water,” Armand explained excitedly, “if Evan makes them in a pool, training for the triathlon, it would make the pain of it much more manageable. Besides, when he’s not swimming, he can rest his arms but still exercise by cycling and running.”

From the corner of his eye, Hotch could see Evan lighting up, and if he was hopeless to that look, Captain Nash wasn’t that far behind. Evan really had a way of making himself at home in one's heart.

“When is the Triathlon?” Captain Nash asked Hotch, an amused smile on his face. 

“November 5th.”

“Is it something you’d like to do, kid?” The captain asked Evan, his face looking as if he already knew the answer.

“I’d love to,” Evan said excitedly as he nodded. 

“And if the Triathlon doesn’t take a toll on him,” Armand added, “we could move the schedule for his return at the firestation, pending his performance.”

Evan’s face lit up like the sun, making Hotch’s heart want to burst out of his chest to land on his boyfriend’s hands. He was breathtakingly beautiful.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” Captain Nash said as he smiled, “for now, my wife is waiting for me with dinner ready.”

“I’ll still see you tomorrow, right Cap?” Buck asked, his voice sounding cheerful, if a little forced.

“Of course, kid,” Captain Nash said, moving to Evan’s window and putting his hand on Evan’s shoulder, in a comforting gesture. “We have to schedule your Triathlon training.”

Evan rolled his eyes and mockingly whined, an action that contrasted the bright smile on his face. As Bobby and Armand bid them goodbye, Hotch started the car and left the parking lot, thoughts swirling inside his brain.

Evan was quiet, which wasn’t uncommon after PT, but with Armand’s approval and words, Hotch would’ve thought Evan would be static and the prospect of going back to work sooner than originally planned. Hotch thought he had had a good idea, but what if he had overstepped and Evan was mad at him? They had been dating for a little over 6 months and never really fought, only minor disagreements here and there but… was that it? Were they done?

“I know you still struggle with the tsunami,” Hotch said as he drove home, Evan still quiet. He could turn and look at his boyfriend, but he was paralysed. “But I was thinking we can start small, in a pool, me with you, maybe call Christopher if that would help. We can make it a day with Eddie and his girlfriend too if you want, finally get the introductions on their way… but maybe you’re not ready for that, maybe it’s too soon and…”

“Aaron,” Evan said, his voice sounding higher than usual. “How are you not done with me?”

“What?” Hotch asked, stepping on the brakes, “Evan… what are you talking about?”

“I’m whiny after PT,” Evan said as he unbuckled his seat, turning to look at Aaron completely. They were in front of the house, but the street was quiet, just for the two of them. “I’ve made Jack stay in his room because of my bad mood after a session. I delay dinner because I’m not hungry or make you feel bad because I couldn’t wait for dinner time. I’m stubborn and picky with my protein shakes, I’m selfish and needy because I demand and demand time and things from you, and you have never complained. I’m exhausting.”

“I’m the reason you were shot, Evan,”  Hotch said in a whisper, his eyes prickling with tears.

“What?”

“The sniper was a man that was the partner of the Unsub I captured back in Dallas, when we first started dating. He wanted revenge on the team and he shot you in the middle of a street at the start of your shift… all because of what you mean to me.”

“So, you’re doing it out of guilt?” Buck asked, his voice sounding strained.

“I’m doing it because I love you, Evan,” Hotch said, a tear leaving his eye. “I love you because you’re noble, kind and loyal to a fault. Because you never give up, even when the entire world is telling you to quit. I love you because you had everything to become a selfish man but you’re one of the most selfless humans I’ve ever met. You’d give bits and pieces of yourself to everyone around you if that meant making them happy, to the point where there was nothing left for yourself, and I’m a selfish man, Evan. I want everything you have to offer until you’re done with me.”

“You’re not needy, or whiny or an asshole,” Hotch continued as he turned off the car, looking at his house for fear of looking at Evan. “You’re in pain and need affection, comfort, safety. And I want to give you all of that and more. I want to give you everything until I have nothing left to give.”

“There’s nothing in you that’s exhausting, Evan,” Hotch said as he turned to look at his boyfriend, surprised at the gobsmacked look on Evan’s face. “I love you, just the way you are.”

“I… Aaron, me…”

“You don’t have to say it,” Hotch said with a chuckle as he cleaned the tears from his cheeks. “Just… never call yourself exhausting, please. That’s the last thing you could ever be to me.”

“I would love to train for the FBI Triathlon with you, Aaron Hotchner,” Evan said after a moment of silence, grabbing his hand tightly and locking eyes in the middle of the car. “More than anything else in the entire world.”

And even though they weren’t the words he wanted to hear, they were sweeter than anything else he’d ever heard before, especially echoed by Jack’s cheer at their return, followed by Evan’s soft laughter. He didn’t need an ‘I love you’ to feel loved.

…

The words were stuck inside his throat as Aaron left the car, catching Jack mid run and lifting him up in his arms. Aaron had been the first person to choose him, to love him as he was without wanting him to change. Evan felt like he loved the man, but a little voice inside his head kept telling him that he only felt like that because the older man hadn’t left him like everyone else in his life had. Aaron chose him, Aaron stayed.

And Buck had little to no experience with that.

As he opened the car to greet Jack and get dinner with the Hotchner’s, his phone started ringing, startling him. Briefly praying that it wasn’t Bobby with more tips for the soreness of the muscle post PT session, he stopped in his tracks as Eddie’s picture greeted him from his phone.

It had been a really long time since he had talked with his best friend, almost two months, and the image of him smiling on his phone, Christopher on his arms, made the painful ache of his chest grow in size. 

Did he love Aaron like he loved Eddie? Were they even the same at all?

Sighing, he gathered the courage and picked up the phone. He wouldn’t have the answers he wanted as long as Eddie was away from him. He needed to know.

Aaron deserved at least that.

“Buck? Are you there?”

Notes:

Okay, seriously, Next Up: the 118 and the BAU FINALLY meet and shit hits the fan.

Chapter 23: Eddie

Notes:

i lied, you know, like a liar

If Eddie was honest with himself, he would’ve told anyone who asked he hadn’t realised it had been two months since he had seen or talked to his best friend. Between dates with Ana, outings with her and Christopher and shifts at the 118, Eddie had barely any room to breathe. 

And yes, he would’ve noticed it had been so long sooner, but with Cap telling them stories about Buck’s PT appointments and his goals to return to work, Chim sharing with them how Maddie’s mood was slightly improving by being near her brother and Chris nightly phone call to Buck, Eddie hadn’t realised it had been two months. It felt like it was just yesterday that Buck was with them, laughing and telling them the newest thing he had learnt during his nightly wikipedia spirals. 

He missed his partner like a severed limb, yes, but that was nothing new. Eddie was so used to missing Buck, it was like breathing at this point. 

He was ashamed to admit it had been Ana the one that made him realise how long it had been since he and Buck talked, let alone seen each other. They had been cuddling after sex, Chris away at a sleepover at Hen’s. From what Eddie had gathered, at some point during Buck’s time with Chris, Denny had also become good friends with Jack Hotchner, Chris’ best friend. He was a sweet, yet reserved child, not unlike his father, whom Eddie had met a few times. The man seemed stoic and quiet, which reminded him of himself a little bit. He had briefly wondered what Buck thought of the man, with Buck’s outgoing personality and sunshine demeanour. He had been so in his thoughts that when Ana moved, dropping her head on his chest and staring at him with her brown eyes, she had startled him out of his thoughts. 

“Where’s your head at?” She had asked, sweetly as her fingers walked through his chest, making him shiver. 

“I’ve never met Jack’s dad, not really,” he had said, ignoring Ana’s confused look. “Buck has, a lot from what I hear from Chris, and I was wondering what he thought of the man.”

Ana had sat up, taking the sheets with her, leaving Eddie’s chest bear. Her hair, mussed up by sex, had covered her face, but somehow Eddie had gotten the feeling that he was missing something more than just the look in her eyes. 

“How is Buck, by the way?” she had said as she started gathering her stuff, her face still covered. “How is he holding up?”

“Bobby says he’s doing great at PT, will be back at the station in no time,” Eddie had said, still confused. “He and Chris were planning a trip to the Science Museum with Jack for this Saturday. I would love to go, if only to get to really meet Jack’s dad, as he is Christopher’s best friend, but I have a 24. Besides, there’s no one I trust more with Chris than Buck.”

“Mmm,” Ana had responded noncommittally as she clasped her bra on, her movements clipped. 

“Ana?” Eddie had asked as he stood up, gathering his girlfriend in his arms. “Everything okay?”

Her eyes had looked conflicted, avoiding him by looking at the floor, a frown on her face. He had lifted her chin with his finger and placed a soft kiss on her lips, making her smile.

“I was wondering if you and Chris would like to join me for my niece’s christening,” she had said with a sweet smile as she looped her arms around his neck. A tight feeling on his chest began, making his eyes lose focus. For a second, he was terrified, but tightening his grip on his girlfriend’s hips, he took a deep breath and kissed her forehead, forcing himself to be okay. 

“It’s on September 19th, so you have plenty of time to ask for the day off if you have a shift,” Ana had continued, her voice making it hard for Eddie to breathe. 

“We would love nothing more,” Eddie had said with a forced smile as he gathered her in his arms and took her to bed once more. Like Shannon, he found it easier to be with her when there wasn’t much talking done.

It had been a few hours after that, once she had left, that Eddie realised that all he had said to Ana about Buck had been from what others told him about his best friend. His phone had been lying silent next to him, and with a pang in his chest he had unlocked it, only to realise his chat with Buck had been exclusively for Chris to talk with the man for a long while. 

It would’ve been so easy for Eddie to talk to Buck right there and then, but… his chest was hurting and his vision was blurry. Lying down, hoping for the feeling to pass, he had fallen asleep, forgetting all about calling Buck as Chris had come home the next day, a smile covering up his entire face.

But as Eddie looked around his house, Ana helping Chris with his homework at the diner table, he realised that if he didn’t gather the courage then and there to call his friend, he never would. Sighing and putting on a brave face, he dialled the number he knew by heart, his heart stopping as the phone rang in his ear.

For a brief moment he contemplated the possibility of Buck ignoring his call, but dismissed it as soon as he came. Sure Buck would understand his reasoning for not reaching out sooner.

The phone was picked up, but no one said anything. He could hear Buck’s breathing through the line, and a heavy weight he didn't know he was carrying was lifted from his shoulders at the sound of his best friend alive and well. He had missed him so much.

“Buck? Are you there?” he said after Buck failed to say anything for a few moments. What if he hadn’t meant to answer the phone.

“Eddie,” Buck said in a whisper, his voice unsure.

“Hey, man, how are you?” Eddie asked, going for nonchalant, as if nothing had happened. 

If he pretended hard enough, maybe he could forget what it was like to carry the dead weight of his best friend on his shoulders, worrying about him while guilt ate him up from the inside. Somedays, he could still hear the gunshot in his ears.

“I’m… good,” Buck said cautiously, unsure. “You? How’s it going?”

At that, Eddie gave a chuckle, forcing a cheerfulness in his demeanour he wasn’t feeling. But Buck needed to know they were okay, otherwise everything would be lost.

“Never better man,” Eddie said as he forced the words out, hurting his insides with the weight of them. “Ana and Chris are getting along better than I expected and she’s been a godsend in all of this, really.”

“Glad to hear,” Buck said curtly, probably because he was hurting. Eddie remembered what it was like being shot and how much small movements hurt ten times worse. He would always welcome a distraction from the pain, preferring when no one acknowledged what had happened to him.

“Yeah, man,” Eddie said, faking a chuckle as he tasted vile in his throat. “She even asked me about you, how are you holding up and everything.”

“Oh,” was all Buck said, his voice sounding far away from Eddie.

“Yeah,” he said, a heavy weight on his gut, “she sends her best.”

“Likewise,” Buck said, sounding weird. Probably doozy from the pain meds. Which Eddie figured was his queue to go. 

“Look man, sorry to leave, but I gotta go to the store, Ana is making us something for dinner and I forgot I have no tomatoes left,” he said with a chuckle as his girlfriend gave him a mocking glare from the kitchen. “We’ll talk another day, okay?”

“Sure,” Buck said before hanging up, startling Eddie.

Shrugging, he made his way towards the door, grabbing his keys and wallet on his way over. He figured Buck was a little upset over their silence, but the conversation had been a great start to the repairing of their friendship.

Eddie still had plenty of time to make things right. 

Notes:

Oh... Eddie...

Chapter 24: September 8th, 2021

Summary:

The 118 finally meets the BAU.

Eddie learns about Hotch.

Shit hits the fan

Notes:

Hold on tight guys, this is a long one.

This might hurt

Much to his chagrin, he wasn’t ready to get back to work just yet and he had accepted it as gracefully as he could. His shoulder still throbbed in pain every now and then and even doing the most mundane of tasks on his daily still took a toll on him. His mind itched to get back to work, as who was he without his job?, but Jack and Aaron’s presence made the absence of the 118 not so daunting.

But as he stood in the middle of Aaron’s backyard, the BAU mingling with Chim, Hen, Maddie and Karen while they waited for the rest of the 118 to get there, Buck couldn’t help but smile at the way the pain in his chest lessened at the sight of his friends getting along with his boyfriend’s friends. 

Currently, JJ was talking quietly with Maddie, who seemed still a little lost and unsure even if there had been some brightness in her as she spent some time with him during his recovery. Emily and Derek were busy chatting with Hen and Chimney, while Penelope and Karen were engaged in a very animated conversation by the looks of it. Reid was drinking in the corner of the place, with JJ’s husband, Will, quietly talking to him. Aaron was busy starting the grill with Rossi next to him, and the sight of his boyfriend’s soft laugh and smile made Buck’s chest warm. 

Aaron should always be smiling. But then again, the fact that he didn’t made his smiles all that more precious. 

Jack was playing nearby with Henry and Denny, the kids laughing and smiling brightly through the backyard. Buck had managed to convince Aaron to let him get a pair of swing sets for Jack, as it was only due to his injuries that the plans for a tree house were currently on hold. Looking at Jack, carefree and happy, made Buck’s chest burst with joy. That little kid meant the world to him.

Before he could go and interrupt the kids, the doorbell rang to announce incomers, and Buck’s heartbeat skyrocketed at the sound. Whoever was behind the door, Bobby and Athena or Eddie and Chris, would make for a change in the atmosphere. For one, Bobby and Athena’s approval meant everything to him and he wished more than anything that they liked Aaron almost as much as Buck himself liked his boyfriend. But on the other hand, Eddie had never met Aaron, despite Chris’ friendship with Jack, and Buck wasn’t even sure Eddie knew about him having a boyfriend. The space between them kept getting wider and wider, suffocating him at times. 

When had things gotten so bad between them that they barely knew anything about each other at all?

Dwelling on those thoughts, he apprehensively opened the door, only to be relieved at the sight of Athena, Bobby, May and Harry standing on his doorstep, everyone’s hands holding some type of dish.

“Bobby,” Buck said, amused, as he let them in, “we told you you didn’t have to bring anything.”

“I had this lying around,” Bobby replied with a shrug, unwilling to meet Buck’s eyes. “It was nothing.”

“Mhm,” Athena said, raising an eyebrow, looking completely unamused as May and Harry giggled. “Then why did you spend the entirety of yesterday slaving yourself in the kitchen?”

“Bobby!” Buck exclaimed, touched and slightly alarmed at Bobby’s nerves.

Maybe he wasn’t the only one nervous about this barbeque at all.

“It was nothing,” Bobby emphasised as he placed a kiss on Athena’s cheek, softening her features. There was no doubt in Buck’s mind how in love they were with each other, and the thought both elated him and sadded him. 

Could they be able to help him in knowing what being in love really means? 

Putting a smile on his face, scaring the thoughts away, Buck led them to the backyard, where Denny happily called Harry over, excited to have his friend there. Harry turned to look at Bobby and Athena pleadingly before she nodded, putting a smile on his face as he ran towards the rest of the kids. 

Buck wasn’t apprehensive that Jack and Harry wouldn’t get along. Jack was one of the sweetest kids he had ever met, right along with Christopher, and Harry was his father, mother and stepfather’s kid. They would get along just fine.

May was looking a little lost, but before he could say anything about it, Penelope came over, Karen having gone to be by Hen’s side. She was smiling brightly at Buck, and Buck couldn’t help but return the smile. Out of all of Aaron’s friends, Penelope had been the first one to accept him and welcome him into the BAU family. He was forever grateful for her friendship and easy acceptance, even if it had been just for Aaron’s sake.

“Hey, Buck,” she said with a smile. “Bossman was ‘subtly’ looking for you.”

“I just went to open the door,” he said, rolling his eyes, fakely annoyed at his boyfriend’s concern. He was endeared that Aaron cared so much for him, loved him even, especially after how difficult he had been at the beginning of his recovery. Fainting after trying to act like nothing had happened had not been an easy thing for Aaron to witness.

“He knows,” Penelope said as she petted his cheek, making him blush. “He just worries.”

“I know,” he said softly as he turned to look at his boyfriend, his gaze and smile softening at the way Aaron ‘casually’ looked away the minute Buck turned to look at him. He didn’t know exactly what it meant, but the thought of his heart leaving his chest to land safely in Aaron’s hands didn’t scare him as much as it used to at the beginning. 

Garcia cooed, and Buck blushed, earning a soft laugh from the Grant-Nashes. Buck turned to look at them and was pleased to see fondness and love in their eyes. Sometimes it was hard to wrap his head around the fact that he had a family that loved him for who he was.

“Bobby, ‘Thena, May,” he introduced, placing a hand on Garcia’s shoulder. “This is Penelope Garcia, Aaron’s friend and technical analyst for the BAU.”

“BAU?” May asked, as if testing the letters in her mouth.

“Behavioral Analysis Unit,” Buck explained proudly, a bright smile on his face. “It’s a branch of the FBI that focuses on studying and analysing the behaviour of criminals in order to apprehend them. Aaron is their Unit Chief.”

May’s eyebrows rose, impressed, while Athena tsked at him, making Bobby chuckle.  But as he felt a hand on his waist, he leaned towards the person, forgetting about anything other than the weight of his boyfriend’s chest at his back.

“Aaron,” he said, not turning around, confident in the knowledge that he had his boyfriend’s attention. “You already know Bobby, but I’d like you to meet Athena and her daughter May. Athena is a Sergeant for the police department and May is a 911 dispatcher.”

“We’ve met,” Athena said with a smile as she shook hands with Aaron.

“Pleasure to meet you,” May murmured as she shook Aaron’s hand as well, a small blush on her cheeks. “Buck is always talking about you.”

A soft blush covered Buck’s cheeks. He wasn’t embarrassed at the amount of time he spent talking about Aaron, but well… Aaron didn’t need to know that.

“Probably as much as Hotch talks about Buck,” Penelope pipped in, her voice filled with glee. “It’s so cute how one minute he’s all growly and frowning but you just mention Buck and he becomes as soft as a…”

“Garcia,” Aaron interrupted, his cheeks on fire and his voice embarrassed. Laughing at his boyfriend’s misery, Buck placed a soft kiss on his cheek, making Aaron’s cheeks even redder.

May giggled at the sight, before turning to look at Garcia with mirth in her eyes.

“Boy do I have stories to tell you,” May said as she linked her arm with Garcia’s, making the woman giggle. Without looking at any of them, both May and Garcia made their way inside the house, probably to gossip and drink non alcoholic beverages for May.

“How did you two meet?” Buck asked Athena as he looked away from what was potentially a great friendship or a great looming disaster in his future. 

“Agent Hotchner and I worked together to hunt down the man who hurt you,” Athena said softly, yet her eyes were hard. Buck heard a ring on his ears at the reminder of the sniper, but Aaron on his back was a grounding touch. He leaned back more than before, almost resting entirely on his boyfriend. Aaron held on tight, as if afraid to let him go.

“Sergeant Grant was indispensable in finding the UnSub,” Aaron said, his voice grounding Buck in the present. “She put the pieces together to track him down.”

“It was a team effort,” Athena said modestly, yet pleased. There was a smile on her face, and Buck didn’t know how to interpret it, but from Bobby’s face, he could guess it was the good kind of smile. The thought made him smile. 

“I’m not surprised,” Buck said in return, his smile wide on his face. “She’s a badass.”

Aaron only inclined his head in acknowledgement, making Buck chuckle. His boyfriend wasn’t one for paying compliments to anyone who wasn’t dear to him, and Athena, while an acquaintance to him, was very important to Buck. 

The doorbell rang once more, but Buck was too busy basking in the comfort of Aaron’s arms to bother about any of it. Aaron chuckled at Buck’s expression and, pressing a kiss on his forehead, let him go to open the door. Buck pouted a little, missing Aaron’s warmth, to the amusement of Athena and Bobby.

“You are completely smitten, Buckaroo,” Athena said fondly, her eyes warm. “It’s a good look for you.”

“He makes me happy,” Buck said wistfully as a small smile settled in his face.

“How do you know what you feel is the real deal?” Buck asked Bobby and Athena after a few seconds of silence. “That it’s actually love?”

Bobby and Athena shared a look before turning to look at Buck, their expressions a little confused. Worried about making them think the worst of Aaron, Buck began talking once more, tripping over his words every now and then.

“Like, every time I look at him I feel so happy I could explode with everything he makes me feel. He doesn’t think I’m exhausting or that I am too much. He… he sees me for who I am and likes what he sees. But… we’ve never really fought or had a major disagreement, just small arguments like him still living at the place where a serial killer almost murdered him, who does that? But… isn’t that a bad thing? Like… I don’t know.”

“It’s not necessarily a bad thing,” Bobby said, his voice measured and calm. “You’ve only been dating a few months, you’re still in the honeymoon phase.”

“Let yourself enjoy what you have while you have it, Buck,” Athena added, “don’t go asking for trouble.”

“And as for the love part, well…” Bobby began saying before Chris’ voice cut through the backyard noise, hitting Buck right in the chest with how much he had missed seeing him.

“Buck!” Chris exclaimed as he collided with Buck’s chest, making him stumble. “I’ve missed you!”

“We talk every day, Chris,” Buck said, even as he picked up Chris and lifted him up in his arms. “But I know what you mean, little man. I’ve missed you too.”

“Chris!” Jack exclaimed as he ran towards them, his face split in a bright smile. “You’re here!”

“Jack!” Chris replied as Buck put him on the ground, “your house is so cool!”

“Buck got me a swing set!” Jack said happily as he pointed at the swing set in the back. “You wanna try them?”

When Buck had purchased the swings, he had made sure they came with belts in case Christopher ever wanted to try them. But as he was about to voice that, Ana’s voice came as a shrill to his head, breaking his smile. 

“Christopher, I’m not sure that’s safe,” Ana said as she came into view, her slight frame in a floral dress hanging by Eddie’s arm. “You can get hurt.”

“The swing sets have belts in them as an extra measure to ensure Christopher’s safety,” Aaron’s voice said from behind her, his voice stoic. “Buck purchased that particular model exactly for that reason.”

“Really?” Christopher turned to look at him, his eyes wide open.

“Of course,” Buck said, ignoring Ana to focus on the little man who had shown him what it was like to love a child unconditionally. “I told you once that I would help you try as many things as you want as safely as possible.”

“You and dad,” Chris said, remembering the skateboard Eddie and Buck had built him more than a year ago.

“Yes,” Buck said as he ruffled Chris’ hair, making him laugh. “You want me to help you get in them?”

“Please, Buck,” Chris said as he grabbed his left hand, Jack grabbing his right. Ignoring the weight of Eddie and Ana’s stares on him, Buck made his way towards the swingset, knowing that as long as he held onto the kids hands, nothing bad could happen to him.

–––––––––

As Hotch stared at his boyfriend’s back, he couldn’t stop the fondness in his chest at the sight of Evan being led by two kids. He knew from the way he acted that Buck loved Jack very dearly, maybe not as much as he loved Christopher, but enough to know that Jack was constantly in his mind and everything he did had him in consideration.

Turning to look at his boyfriend’s best friend and his girlfriend, Hotch had to fight back the urge to scowl and frown. To say that Eddie had been surprised at seeing him when he opened the door had been an understatement, a surprise that had turned bitter when he introduced himself to Ms Flores as Buck’s boyfriend. 

“Eddie,” Captain Nash said, breaking the tense silence that had formed in the little group, “I’m glad to see you made it!”

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen Buck,” Eddie replied, looking morose. “I was surprised when I got the address.”

“Buck’s been staying with me during his recovery,” Hotch said with a shrug as his hand itched for a beer, if only to have them occupied. “Figured it was the best place to introduce everyone to everyone.”

“Everyone to everyone?” Ms Flores asked as she looked around the place, looking a little overwhelmed. “Don’t you all already know each other?”

“No,” Hotch said with a chuckle. “Buck and I thought it was time to introduce my friends to his’ properly, as he already knew them and I knew most of his’.”

Eddie’s expression soured and Hotch fought back a wince. One of the most important people in Evan’s life was clearly unhappy and Hotch wasn’t making it any better.

“You’re not a firefighter?” Ms Flores asked, her voice sounding confused.

“No,” Rossi said with a chuckle as he interrupted the conversation, probably sensing Aaron’s discomfort. “We work for the FBI.”

“David Rossi,” Rossi introduced himself as he shook Sergeant Grant and Captain Nash’s hands, “you must be Sergeant Grant and Captain Nash.”

“Athena and Bobby, please,” Athena said with a smile as she let go of Rossi’s hands.

“Then call me Dave, please,” Rossi said with a smile before he turned to Ms Flores and Eddie, his eyes sharp.

“And you must be Eddie and Ana,” Rossi said as he greeted the couple, his eyes observing. “Buck has told us many things about you.”

“Really?” Ana exclaimed, surprised. “I wasn’t aware Evan knew about me.”

From the corner of his eye, Hotch caught Eddie’s wince at her words, as he fought back his own growl. Evan was protective of who called him what, and Evan was a name not many were allowed to use. Frowning, he wondered exactly what was going on inside the firefighter’s head regarding his best friend. 

“They’re best friends,” Rossi said, his voice turning slightly sharp, probably over his concern for Evan. He and Rossi had grown closer during Evan’s recovery, the older man fond of Evan’s rambles after his wikipedia deep dives. “Why wouldn’t they talk?”

“I… I mean,” Ms Flores stuttered as Prentiss approached them, a glint in her eyes that Aaron wasn’t particularly fond of. “Edmundo said…”

“Rossi,” Prentiss interrupted Ms Flores rambling in that voice of hers that only meant trouble. “Behave.”

“I do not know what you’re talking about, Prentiss,” Rossi said with a chuckle. “Emily Prentiss, these are Buck’s friends and co-workers Captain Bobby Nash, Sergeant Athena Grant and Eddie Diaz. This is Ms Flores, Eddie’s girlfriend.”

In any other situation, Hotch would’ve been upset at Rossi doing the introductions in his house, when Evan had ditched them for the kids, but as it was, he couldn’t help but be grateful for the love and loyalty his friends had with him and his boyfriend. It made him feel like the barrier he thought at times existed between them was only in his mind.

“Nice to meet you all,” Prentiss said amicably as she shook everyone’s hands. “Buck only has great things to say about you.”

“And about you,” Captain Nash added with a chuckle. “He was rather impressed with the amount of languages you speak.”

Prentiss blushed, making Rossi laugh. Evan’s excitement over her knowledge of languages had been a rather pleasant affair, as Evan’s entire demeanour, almost childlike, had endeared him to Prentiss’s heart. 

“Yeah,” Prentiss chuckled, “Buck asked me to help him get better at Spanish and French.”

“Spanish?” Eddie asked, whipping his head to stare at Prentiss intensely. “Why Spanish?”

“Something about helping Christopher,” Prentiss said with a shrug, carefully nonchalant. 

But Hotch had a feeling, everyone in that little group knew just how much that little getsure meant in the grand scheme that was Evan Buckley’s heart.

–––––––––

As Buck stared at his friends mingling with the BAU team, Prentiss chatting amicably with May while Athena was engaged in conversation with Morgan, Chim, Karen and Hen laughing with Rossi, Garcia and JJ keeping Maddie company, he locked eyes with Aaron, who was busy at the grill with Bobby. 

Stifling a laugh at his boyfriend’s dazed expression, probably overwhelmed by Chef Nash's 'recommendations’ for a right barbeque, he smiled at him after sending him a wink, chuckling at Aaron’s blush. He knew his boyfriend was trying his best to get on Bobby’s good books, because of what he meant to Buck, which only made him dearest to Buck in return.

Harry, Denny and Chris were busy chatting while they waited for the burgers to be done, Jack dutifully by his father’s side as a sous-sous chef. Jack still had some admiration and wide-eyed pride at his father and wanted to emulate him as much as possible, much to Buck’s amusement. 

“Honestly, I gotta admit,” Reid said as he interrupted his musings, smiling at Buck as he approached him. “You’re surprisingly relaxed around me. I thought for sure you’d hate me.”

“What?” Buck asked, startled, laughing up a little at the absurdity of the statement. He didn’t know Reid enough to hate him, the guy was chill with his facts and insanely cool with his magic tricks, mostly keeping to himself apart from everyone else whenever they gathered. It warmed Buck’s heart the way Jack would laugh whenever Reid did a magic trick, still amazed at the possibility of magic existing. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m no expert in interpersonal relationships, but even I know one wouldn’t be as happy and excited as you are to hang out with me.”

“Why?” Buck asked, a heavy weight setting on his stomach. 

“Because I’m in love with Hotch,” Reid said, tilting his head to the left, as if confused. “I know he chose you over me but…”

“But what?” Buck asked, his voice hard.

“I’ll be here to pick up the pieces after you’re gone,” Reid said with a shrug as he motioned towards Aaron, who was still busy at the grill, unknowing as to their conversation. 

“Is that a threat?” Buck asked, anger and pain swirling inside his head.

“No, just a simple statement,” Reid said, unperturbed as he looked at Aaron, uncaring of Buck’s anger. “You’ll leave him just like Haley did, but unlike last time, I won’t be afraid.”

“How are you so sure I’ll leave him?” Buck asked, his voice harsh and eyes cold. The anger at Reid’s callousness while all the insecurities he had about his relationship with Aaron were drowning his rational side, who begged him to stop engaging with Reid. “Aaron loves me.”

“But you don’t love him,” Reid said, turning to look at Buck, his voice cold. “And I do.”

“You don’t know how I feel about him,” Buck said, fighting the urge to cross his arms.

“I know you haven’t said the words,” Reid said, his indifference returning. “It’s in the way he anxiously looks at you, as if afraid the minute he looks away you’ll be gone. How he hides his nightmares about Foyet, how he looks at Eddie, the one you’re in love with, with fear and resentment.”

“Aaron doesn’t need the words,” Buck said stubbornly, refusing to address the other things Reid had pointed out. It was true that Aaron still held himself back at night, his nightmares silent and painful. But him and Eddie? They had barely interacted.

“Maybe not,” Reid said, returning to look at Aaron, fondness and love in his eyes. “But I have said them, and he knows that.”

Buck, not knowing what to say, just walked away, leaving Reid behind. Thoughts were swirling inside his head. Why hadn’t Aaron told him anything about Reid’s confession? Did everyone on his team think the same? 

Was Buck just a placeholder for Reid?

“You have a boyfriend?” Eddie asked, hurt and disbelief in his voice, startling Buck out of his thoughts as said man approached him out of nowhere. “And he’s Jack’s dad?”

“I didn’t use Chris’ playdates with Jack to flirt with his dad if that’s what you’re worried about,” Buck said bitterly, hurt echoing in his voice, crossing his arms as he faced Eddie. It really wasn’t the time for whatever was up with the man. “We didn’t even start dating until a few months after we met.”

“What? Buck!” Eddie exclaimed, sounding hurt, “I never thought you would use Chris to get dates or whatever you’re implying. I just… why didn’t you tell me?”

“It must've slipped my mind,” Buck said with a shrug as he looked away, tears pooling in his eyes. ‘You weren’t around enough to know,’ was at the tip of his tongue, but he was hurt and angry and in pain. Lashing out to Eddie would do no one good.

“Buck, wha…”

“I’m tired, Eddie,” Buck said with a sigh as he passed a hand through his face, reflecting the tiredness he was feeling in his bones. “Go back to Ana,” he added before walking away, towards the kids.

He wanted to reach Aaron and hold him tight, reassure himself of his place as Aaron’s boyfriend by his side, close his eyes as Aaron whispered in his ear how much he meant to him. But Reid’s words echoed in his brain.

‘I’ll be here to pick up the pieces after you’re gone.’

Where did that leave him? And what did that mean for them?

–––––––––

Hotch saw his boyfriend withdrawn into himself as the night progressed. He still smiled and laughed around his friends and family, but there was a tightness in his posture and in his eyes as soon as he was left alone with anyone from the BAU. And he completely avoided Reid.

Sharing a look with Morgan as the other man was leaving, Reid by his side, he prayed that the younger man hadn’t upset Evan. Ever since his love confession after Evan had been shot, Reid had been acting a little out of character outside of BAU hours. At work he was completely professional, his Dr Reid persona never weavering, but outside of it? Well, Hotch wasn’t sure what to think of it.

He had put some personal distance between himself and Reid, believing that, with time, Reid would get over his crush. Their timing had always been off, never really right, and Reid’s crush would eventually die.

He had never loved Hotch and he had made his peace with that a long time ago.

But as he stared at the morose look on his boyfriend’s face as he hugged Garcia goodbye, Hotch couldn’t help the pang of anxiety that flagged in his chest.

Maybe history was indeed repeating itself.

–––––––––

“Why didn’t you tell me Reid is in love with you?” Buck asked Aaron once everyone had gone home, getting the living room clean, refusing to look at his boyfriend. 

Buck heard how Aaron stopped in his tracks, probably with a dish full of soap in his hands. Buck could even picture Aaron’s confused expression, going over the afternoon’s events to know when Buck had talked to Reid.

“I… didn’t think it was important for you to know right now,” Aaron said cautiously, leaving the dish on the sink. “You’re recovering.”

“He works with you!” Evan exploded, hating how condescending Aaron was sounding. 

“I’m not in love with him,” Aaron said carefully, turning to look at Buck as if he was a wounded creature, making him even madder. “I didn’t think…”

“You didn’t think I would mind knowing that my boyfriend is out there spending almost all of his time with a man who’s in love with him?”

“Evan I would never do anything to hurt you,” Aaron said, approaching him slowly. But Buck was too angry, hurt and strained from the barbeque to really see what Aaron was doing. To him, Aaron was treating him like everyone else. Disposable. 

“Then fire him,” Buck said, turning to look at Aaron, arms crossed across his chest, eyes harsh and lips in a thin line. “Make him leave the team.”

On the back of his head, he knew he was being irrational, but he was beyond caring. No one ever chose him and he was tired. People kept just… settling for him.

“What? Evan I can’t do that!” Aaron exclaimed, his eyes wide. “Reid is a valuable member of the team…”

“Who is in love with you,” Buck interrupted bitterly, tears on his cheeks.

“Who is a genius and happens to help solve most cases the BAU faces.”

“Are you sure it’s not because you’re in love with him and having his love makes it good for your ego?” Buck asked, memories of his parents' passive aggressive fights echoing in his head.  “Having a younger man fawn over you 24/7?”

“I have no feelings for Reid,” Aaron said, his posture turning defensive, his voice going harsh. 

“Then fire him.”

“No, Evan, is not as easy as that!” Aaron exclaimed, his voice rising. 

Buck couldn’t help but thank his lucky stars that Jack was at a sleepover at Harry’s, alongside Chris, Henry and Denny, their friendship blossoming right in front of the entire BAU and 118 eyes. Tears formed in his eyes at the thought that if this was goodbye, he’d never see Jack again. What he would do to hug him one last time.

“Well, it should be!” Buck screamed, tears pooling in his eyes. “He’s in love with you!” 

“And Eddie is in love with you,” Aaron replied, defeated, all the fight leaving his body. “And you know that.”

“We’re not talking about Eddie,” Buck responded bitterly, as he cleaned the tears in his cheeks. “Besides, he’s not in love with me. He’s with Ana.”

“That won’t last,” Aaron said with a wet chuckle, a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “He’ll realise soon enough that she’s not what he wants.”

“And he’ll come running to my arms?” Buck asked dismissively, bile raising up in his throat. “Where I’ll be patiently waiting for him?”

“If that’s what you want,” Aaron said with a shrug, sitting down on the sofa as he passed a hand through his face, tired. “I won’t get in the way.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Buck said, hurt and angry at Aaron’s words.

“I once told you I’m a selfish man, Evan,” Aaron said, defeated, looking at him longingly. “I will stay for as long as I can until you leave.”

“Why are you so certain I will leave?” Buck asked, Reid’s voice echoing in his head ‘ I’ll be here to pick up the pieces after you’re gone.’

“Because you love him,” Aaron said, cleaning a tear on his cheek as he looked away. “And I know where I stand.”

“No, you don’t,” Buck said, his voice burning with anger and pain. “Stop putting words in my mouth when there’s none.”

“I’m not firing Spencer,” Aaron said resignedly, crossing his arms across his chest. “And I’m not leaving the BAU.”

“I don’t care about any of that, not really!” Buck said, exploding, “why didn’t you tell me Reid was in love with you? Why do you keep assuming I will leave you? Newsflash, Aaron, I’m the one who always gets left behind, not the other way around.”

“And that’s the only reason you’re with me, Buck,” Aaron said, pain in his voice. “Because I haven’t left.”

“I… No, I…” Buck struggled to say, hurt and anger mixing together inside of him. He had been worried that that was the reason he stayed with Aaron, but hearing the older man say it so simply, like it was a fact, hurt Buck deeper than he had ever been hurt before. “Stop putting words in my mouth I haven’t said!”

“Then say something!” Aaron exclaimed, startling Buck out his mouth. “Tell me I’m wrong and that you love me for the right reasons!”

“I gotta go,” is what he said instead, gathering his stuff, unable to look at Aaron. 

Hotch didn’t call for him, and Evan didn’t look back.

–––––––––

Somewhere, in the distance, there was a clock ticking, counting down the minutes and the seconds until everything exploded. Three hearts were beating at the tick tack of its engine, waiting for everything to be said and done. 

Time was running out.

Notes:

Sorry not sorry

Also, sorry if Reid is a little OOC, I needed a detonator and he was right there.

Chapter 25: September 9th, 2021

Summary:

Buck breaks down

Notes:

Short chapter but... Buck is going through it.

Trigger warnings for cannonical events from s1 to s4 and this fic.

00:00am

 

‘You never made it easy on us.’

Why was he so hard to love? What was there about him that told everyone in his vicinity that he was not worth time, love and effort?

What was broken in him?

“Love me, anyway.”

He just wanted to run, run as far away as he could. From the pain, the loneliness.

All he could do was run.

If he ran, nothing could catch him.

“We had a brother, his name was Daniel.”

He started running.

 

6:00am

 

‘It’s me, I’m the dumbass.’

The silence at the apartment was suffocating.

Deafening.

But he should’ve been used to it.

After all, he was always alone.

“I have 20 other firefighters under my command, and if you’re not at 100%...”

Darkness, emptiness filled the loft, which had been untouched for months. 

He had almost forgotten what it was like to be in a place where Jack’s laughter didn’t fill the empty places, Aaron’s soft voice lulling him to sleep.

Silently, he cried, for losses, for pain, for hidden truths.

“You’re not ready.”

He wept until he had no more tears to shed.

 

11:00am

 

His phone was ringing.

‘You’re exhausting.’

He was always meant to be alone, wasn’t he? Born for spare parts, defective at that, discarded, tossed aside when he couldn’t fulfil his one job. Ignored and scorned at for being born, a daily reminder of their parents' loss and his greatest failure all in one.

Raised by an older sister who wished to be free of her own demons, running as far away as she could, as soon as she was able, longing for a freedom that had been stolen from her from a very young age. The only person that had loved him, leaving him behind without a second thought.

“You know how much Christopher misses you? How could you? You’re not around.”

But even Maddie, loving him like no one else had ever had, left him behind. Who’s to say she wouldn’t try again? Maddie ran when things got hard, when she didn’t know what to do and she felt trapped. She was drowning, refusing to get help, and she was gonna run.

Buck knew it like he knew the grass was green and the sky was blue.

“Cause all you ever see is your side.”

He ignored his phone and hid under the covers.

Whoever was calling would eventually stop.

Everyone else always did.

 

5:10pm

 

“I love Hotch.”

He was replaceable. Always had and always would be. 

Daniel Buckley.

Lena Bosko.

Ana Flores.

“I’ll be here to pick up the pieces after you’re gone.”

Spencer Reid.

“I have said them, and he knows that.”

Was he ever meant to have something of his own?

 

10:00pm

 

“I love you Evan.”

As he stared at the ceiling in his empty and dark apartment, he thought of Aaron. On the dimples on his cheeks when he smiled, the warmth in his eyes when he looked at Jack or at Buck. 

He thought of Aaron, strong and resilient when Buck needed him most. Of his hugs, his hands on his arms, hands and chest, grounding him when everything threatened to push him away.

“And that’s the only reason you’re with me, Buck. Because I haven’t left.”

Tears were streaming down his face, but he didn’t bother to clean them. What was the point? There was no one there to see him, to comfort him, to soothe him.

He wanted Aaron.

“Because you love him... And I know where I stand.”

But did Aaron ever want him at all?

 

11:30pm

 

“Everyone run!”

Why did everything hurt?

“Get off the pier!”

Screams inside his head made everything so much more difficult to understand.

“You are new.”

Why couldn’t it stop?

“Buck! Stay awake!”

He wanted everything to stop.

 

11:59pm

 

“That was beyond unprofessional.”

What good was he if not for his body?

He saved lives with it, he made people happy with it. 

He just wanted to feel good.

“You need to leave right now.”

He grabbed his keys and left the apartment without looking back.

On his nightstand, his phone kept buzzing.

But Buck kept walking.

“Don’t tell anyone.”

Chapter 26: September 10th, 2021

Summary:

Buck almost cheats on Hotch.

Notes:

Canonically speaking, Buck has a very unhealthy relationship with his own body, let alone sex. He uses it as a form of self-harm when he’s at his lowest. But I don’t like cheating storylines, hence the emphasis in almost.

Small chapter, but important.

The bar was crowded, full of people and music, drowning the voices inside Buck’s head. The smell of alcohol, sweat and humanity reeked the place, and, in an odd way, it brought comfort to him. It had been a few years since his Buck 1.0 persona but he knew how to be him without a problem.

Sometimes, it was easier being Buck 1.0 than Evan Buckley or even Buck 4.0. The freedom of using his body for pleasure was something he had relied on since he was a teenager and no one in his house cared. 

There was one good use for Evan Buckley, and that was his body. Had been since the moment he was conceived. 

But outside of that… who was he really and what did he want for himself?

Brown eyes flashed in his mind, deep and full of concern, but oh so very warm. They were surrounded by stress lines and very few laugh lines.

Drink in his hand, goal set, he found a stranger in the middle of the dance floor. He was tall, dark and handsome, with a few grey hairs in his head, making him look like a silver fox. In the middle of the crowd, Buck couldn’t see his eyes, but in his mind they were brown and inviting.

He made his way over towards him, like a moth to a flame. Flirting was an ego boost for him, confident in his looks and relishing on how he affected those around him.

The memory of a blush after a first date, how enchanted he had looked when Buck had flirted with him. It was different from anything that had ever happened to him. With anyone else, it was a means to an end. With him, it was the end.

He started dancing, moving his hips invitingly, almost sensually towards the older man. They weren’t touching, but the intention was there. 

The invitation was out in the open, even if at the back of his head alarm bells were ringing. 

His laugh was deep and soothing, his eyes crinkling in happiness and joy. He was breathtaking.

The stranger pulled him aside, away from everyone. The crowd noise was dimming, Buck’s head was still spinning. The hand on his back was burning him, begging Buck to run away from it. 

That wasn’t what he wanted. 

A hospital bed, his chest moving up and down. He was alive and well, and Buck could touch him.

The stranger was getting closer, his lips parted and his mouth inviting. He had his lips almost on Buck, about to press down, when Buck pushed him away.

Aaron .

Evan stared in horror as the stranger stumbled back, having lost his footing. There in the middle of a deserted alley, drunk and hurting, he was about to hurt the man he loved. 

Disgusted with himself, with who he had almost become, he turned around and left, unbothered by the stranger calling for him. He ran without looking back, tears in his eyes.

What had he just done?

Chapter 27: September 11th, 2021

Summary:

Hotch reflects.

Notes:

Antother small but important chapter

Evan had been silent for two days. And it was driving Hotch insane.

The silence of the house was suffocating, similar to how it had been after Haley had left him. Larger rooms for only him to wander around. Jack was asleep in his room, but Evan’s absence made everything duller, colourless. 

He should’ve told him about Reid, he knew. But a part of him also knew that if Hotch spoke to Evan about Reid, he’d have to talk about the feelings he had had over the younger man. How much Reid breaking his heart had affected him after Haley’s death. How he hadn’t dated anyone for years, afraid of being too much, like he had been for Reid.

Reid had casted a large shadow on Hotch’s life, larger than even he had realised. 

Evan was the beacon of hope and love that had cast the shadows away, brightening everything in his path, warming Hotch with his light. Aaron had been living in the darkness for too long, and meeting Evan had shown him that not everything, besides Jack, had to be dull in his life in order for him to live.

And then Evan had left because of his indecision, his fears. Aaron knew he needed to own his mistake and face his boyfriend - ex-boyfriend? - if they were to have any sort of future together.

But what did that future even look like? 

Aaron thought they were both in for the long haul, for as long as they could, but having realised that he feared that Evan could choose Eddie over him, and he was settling, well… it had hurt more than Hotch cared to admit, even to himself. He loved Evan, not the same as he had loved Haley but with the same intensity and passion. 

Did Evan know that?

Aaron knew that he was no longer the idealistic, hopelessly romantic man that had swept Haley off her feet. He was jaded and tired and had little to no interest in world wind romance. He wanted someone who would be there for him, the kind of love that fills you with contentment and peace.

He had thought that was what he shared with Evan. But what if he was wrong and Evan wanted more? Could he even give him that?

He should’ve been honest with Evan the minute Reid confessed his love. Told him what the younger man had meant to him after his divorce and how much Haley’s death had affected everything. How he had felt like a burden, ever since he was a child, with a demanding father and an absent mother, never enough for either of them. Too much of a mess to handle.

Hotch had never wanted to introduce Evan to the uglier sides of him. His childhood, his parents, his divorce, Reid. They were all part of a mess that Evan didn’t deserve to witness.

But maybe that had been the problem. He had assumed things on Evan’s behalf, and if there was one thing the firefighter hated was people assuming things about him or casting him in a role he didn’t want. 

What did that say about him? About them?

Hotch needed to think. To get some sort of sign or response in order to know what to do next. He wanted Evan by his side. But… was that the right thing? Were they even right for each other at all?

Evan still wasn’t picking up the phone.

Could they fix their relationship? Was there anything left to be fixed at all?

Notes:

lmk what you think either here in the comments or in wonderwolfballoon!

Up next: Buck talks to Maddie and Chimney while Hotch talks to Rossi and Garcia

Chapter 28: September 12th, 2021

Summary:

Buck talks to Maddie.
Hotch talks to Rossi and Garcia.

Notes:

Trigger warnings for suicide mention (canon compliant)

Aaron kept calling him, but Buck couldn’t face him. The memory of what he had almost done filled him with shame and disgust. Aaron was good, maybe the best person Buck had ever dated, and no one deserved to be cheated on. Least of all Aaron Hotchner.

He wanted to crawl into himself, forget the world and everyone around him. For the first time in his life, he was happy he didn’t have to work just yet. He didn’t think he could face anyone at the 118. 

He remembered what happened with the catfishing incident, who’s to say they wouldn’t react similarly to it? No one had ever apologised for their wrong assumptions of him, and this time he had almost done something horrible.

He wouldn’t even blame them, though. He judged himself.

The door of his loft opened, and half of him hoped and prayed it was Aaron looking for him, while the other half dreaded the sight of the older man. Would they break up over his transgression? Would they ignore it? How could they move on from the mess?

And there was still the subject of Reid.

“Buck, are you there?” Chimney’s voice called from the kitchen, his voice sounding weary and tired. “We brought you some food!”

“Not hungry,” Buck mumbled on his sheets, unwilling to move.

The decent part of him would have stood up and greet his sister and Chimney; he knew Maddie was struggling with PPD, but at that time he couldn’t be bothered with making nice with his sister or anyone else for that matter. For once, he wanted to be selfish and wallow in his misery, alone.

“Buck?” Maddie’s voice said, having moved from the kitchen to the bottom of the stairs. “Hotch called us.” 

“What?” He asked, removing the covers from his body and sitting up in one movement, slightly dizzying him. “You talked to him?”

“Mhmh,” Chimney hummed in agreement, “he sounded worried.”

“He shouldn’t have called you, I’m fine,” he lied as he ignored the voice in his head, begging him to ask Maddie or Chimney for any detail they had on Aaron. He missed him fiercely, but he didn’t deserve him. Probably never had.

“Yeah, clearly,” Maddie said as she climbed the stairs, her voice sounding closer. “Which is why you’re hiding away in your bed.”

“Go away, guys,” Buck said, hurt and tired all of the sudden. “I want to be alone.”

“No, you don’t, not really,” Maddie said softly as she sat down and grabbed his ankle, her touch soothing and comforting. “But, for some reason, you wanna punish yourself.”

“I walked out on him, Mads,” Buck said, tears in his eyes, “he asked me to tell him why I loved him and I just… I just walked away.”

“Buck…”

“Reid told me he is in love with Aaron, has been for a while, probably since before he divorced Haley. And… Aaron knew and didn’t tell me about it.”

“I was so angry, Mads,” Buck said after a moment of silence, Maddie’s comforting presence by his side. “I was so hurt and pissed off that everyone kept assuming I was gonna leave him at some point, even him. It's like no one trusts me when I say I want to stay.”

“I tried to kill myself the other day,” Maddie said, her voice broken and her eyes full of tears. “I left Jee at the station for Howie to get her when he could and walked to the ocean to kill myself.”

“But then, I thought of you, of Howie, Jee, the lives we’ve built here and I realised I couldn’t hurt you that way. Not after everything we’ve been through together,” Maddie continued, the tears in her eyes spilling on her cheeks. “But I do need help, Evan. I do.”

“Maddie, what are you saying?” Buck asked, tears in his eyes, overwhelmed at his own emotions and what Maddie had shared with him.

“All I ever do is run, Buck, that's all I know,” Maddie said as she combed the hair out of his face, oddly reminiscent of their childhood, her voice rough and full of tears. “But then I look at Howie, at you, at Jee, and realise how much pain I’d put you through if I left without a word. So, I’m getting help, but I’m not leaving you behind.”

“Unlike me, you are a settler,” Maddie continued, her voice growing soft, “you think you have to stay because someone chose you and you owe it to them to stay through thick and thin. But that’s not fair Evan. Not to you and certainly not to Hotch.”

“Our childhoods… they fucked us up in so many ways, we’re still reeling from that hurt. But, Evan,” Maddie continued, her voice gaining a strength he hadn’t heard in a while. “We can’t let it dictate the rest of our lives.”

“You have been “chosen”, as you’ve said it,” Maddie said, her voice soft and tender, “but you have to make a choice too. Just like I have.”

“Mads…”

“What do you want, Buck?” Maddie said, standing up. “Out of love, out of life?”

And well… wasn’t that the heart of the problem?

–––––––––

“What do you want, Aaron?” Rossi asked as Hotch finished telling them what had happened with Buck, having called him and Garcia after Maddie told him she and Chimney would check up on him. “Because all I’ve heard is what you’ll do based on what Buck wants.”

“I want to be with him,” Aaron said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. “I want to be with him without being afraid of losing him.”

“Sir…” Garcia said, her voice sounding broken. “Life doesn’t work that way.”

“I don’t mean losing him to death or anything like that, with our jobs that’s a real possibility and I accepted that when I asked him out on a date,” Hotch said, standing up and pacing all over his living room. Jack was busy playing online with his friends, having sensed there was something troubling his father. “But what if he realises I’m not what he wants.”

“What do you mean?” Rossi asked, his voice sounding cautious.

“Eddie Diaz is in love with him, just like Evan is with him,” Hotch said, hating how much his voice broke at that thought. “When Evan realises that he’s gonna leave, and I won’t do anything to stop it.”

“You used to be in love with Reid,” Dave said, his voice soft, reminiscing. “You thought you hid it well, but everyone could see it. It gutted you when you found out about Maeve, but you never said anything.”

“It wasn’t my place.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Dave said, shrugging. “But would it be fair to assume you’ll leave Evan for Reid just because he confessed his love for you and there was a time you loved him just as much?”

“No, I’m with Evan, I would…”

“Then why don’t you give him that same faith, Hotch,” Garcia said, her voice sounding angry and soft, something that only Penelope Garcia could pull off. “Why don’t you trust him?”

“I do, I do trust him.”

“If you did, you would’ve told him about Reid’s confession, you wouldn’t be afraid of Eddie Diaz,” Rossi said, unforgiving. “You hide behind your assumptions, your rationalisations, to avoid the truth.”

“And what is that truth, Dave?” Hotch asked, anger and pain colouring his words.

“That you’re scared shitless of being left behind, so you never fully give in, not really, and once everything is said and done, you find comfort in having your fears confirmed once they eventually leave.” 

“Haley, Reid, Evan, you always kept them at arms’ length, hiding behind an excuse. With Haley it was your job, choosing it over and over again until she left. With Reid it was the divorce and then Haley’s death, not fighting for him or going after him. Yes, he hurt you, but you hurt him too, Aaron.”

“I never said…”

“I know,” Rossi said, soothingly, “but if you want a future with anyone, you gotta accept your truths.”

“There was a time where I thought I would never love anyone or anything the way I loved Reid,” Hotch said, his eyes burning, “or the way I loved Haley.”

“But then, Evan proved me wrong,” Hotch continued, his voice growing soft. “I was trying to be better, change my ways, but I think I keep making the same mistakes.”

“Aaron…”

“Bossman…”

“I want a future with Evan. But I don’t know how to have it.”

Notes:

I never agreed with Maddie just leaving, even if I know its because JLH had to for maternity leave, so in this verse, just about Maddie is to leave for Boston, Hotch called her, worried about Evan, setting a domino effect that leads to her never leaving LA.

She still gets treatment and help in a LA clinic tho, that's still a thing.

Also, I know I said Evan talks to Maddie and Chimney but well, as I was writting it, Maddie and Buck moment made more sense. Chimney is still there because of what Maddie went through.

I know what it looks like, but I promise you, I did not write 28 chapters, more than 40k words for a ship that will go up on flames.

Chapter 29: September 13th, 2021

Summary:

Buck and Hotch break up and make up. Not necessarily in that order.

Notes:

I promise you, from the bottom of my cold dead heart, that Hotch and Buck are endgame. This is just necessary for Buck’s character development, and also for Hotch’s if I’m being honest with myself.

“Is that really love? Shouldn't it be when you're at your worst, they're at their worst, you have every reason to give up and you still decide you want to try again.” Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley, 9-1-1 (Season 5, Episode 18. ‘Starting Over’).

As Buck stared at the emptiness of his apartment, his stuff gathered everywhere, his bed unmade, his head and heart a mess, he remembered back to a conversation he had had with Aaron a little after the shooting. 

They had been at Aaron’s living room, where Buck had been helping the older man clean the living room after Jack had asked them to help him build a blanket fort. He had wanted to see The Iron Giant, which Buck had never seen before. It was a great movie, but the sound of guns going off had triggered him in the middle of the living room. He tried to hide it from the Hotchners, and had thought himself successful as Aaron hadn’t paused the movie. But Buck should’ve known better, known his boyfriend a little bit better, as he had waited until the house had been silent, Jack already asleep after an eventful day, with only Aaron and Buck awake, to talk to him about what had happened during the movie. 

“Evan, you went through something extremely traumatic,” Aaron had said as the silence continued stretching between them, Buck hellbent on ignoring what had happened to him. “And I feel like you’re downplaying it.”

“It’s not the first time I’ve been in the line of danger, Aaron,” Buck had replied, a little condescendingly as he accommodated the cushions on the couch, ignoring his partner’s concern. “I’m fine.”

“But one day you won’t be and that worries me!” Aaron had exclaimed before sighing and dropping his arms. “Look, I don’t want to fight, I just want you to make me a promise, please.”

“What’s that?” Buck had said, crossing his arms and staring at his boyfriend dubiously. If Aaron even suggested therapy, Buck was gonna kick his ass and not in a sexy way. He had a therapist just… hadn’t called her in a while.

“You're going to go weeks, months even, feeling fine. You’ll put everything at the back of your head and not think about it at all. But one day, it’ll catch up to you and then, you're going to have a bad day.” Aaron had let his words settle in Buck’s head before continuing. “I only ask you to let me know when you do.”

“That’s it?” Buck had asked, not wanting to sound sceptical, but failing.

“Yes, that’s it.”

“Okay then,” he had agreed before taking his boyfriend’s hand and squeezing it, a sign of peace between them and to drop the argument that had started. Aaron had then squished back and kissed him on the side of the face, content with Buck’s promise.

Coming back from the memory, and before he could stop himself, he picked up his phone and dialled a number he had memorised a long time ago. He knew the other man would pick up no matter what, having trained himself to rouse from sleep at the sound of his phone. And even though they had fought and he had actually been avoiding the older man, the status of their relationship unknown, Buck knew he’d come.

“Aaron? I’m having a very bad day,” Buck whispered into the phone as soon as the other man picked up. The silence in the apartment was suffocating, and the longer he stayed alone in there, the more likely it would be that demons would come back with a vengeance. He covered himself with as many blankets and covers he could find, hoping it would help him in any way.

“I’ll be right over,” Aaron said as Buck could hear him leaving the bed, “do you want me to stay on the phone until I’m at your place or hang up now?”

“Stay with me, please?”

“Okay,” Aaron said in that soft voice Buck loved so much, “I’m not going anywhere.”

And for the very first time in a very long time, Evan Buckley realised he wasn’t alone. Hadn’t been for a really long time. A thought that warmed him more than any fire he had ever been in had.

–––––––––

As Hotch stared at Buck’s empty loft, a shiver went down his spine. Evan’s soft breathing was still on the other side of his phone. It had been a few very stressful minutes since Buck had called him, his breathing soothing an ache Hotch hadn’t even realised could be soothed. But as he stood in the other man’s space, Aaron wasn’t sure he could hang up the phone.

Hotch knew Buck was still alive, he could hear it, but he was still afraid.

“I want Jack to believe in love because it’s the most important thing. But you need to show him. Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Buck?” Aaron’s voice carried from the foyer, his voice uncertain. 

“In here,” a voice said from the bedroom, muffled. 

Hotch climbed up the stairs, and he was greeted by the sight of the unmade bed, a huge lump in the middle of it, covered by layers and layers of blankets and covers. Hotch’s heart broke at the sight, knowing Buck was inside there somewhere. Hurting. 

“Oh, Buck,” Aaron said, his voice sounding rough. “What happened?”

“I almost cheated on you,” Buck said between sobs, his voice breaking, still inside the covers. “I just wanted to stop feeling and thinking so much. Going back to Buck 1.0 was as good as anything.”

Aaron’s heart broke, as he understood completely what was happening. A few months ago, after the Daniel debacle, Evan had told him all about him stealing the firetruck for sex, fooling around the station, getting fired for his behaviour, the therapist. It had been Aaron himself the one who told Buck why that shouldn’t have happened at all, as a breach of professionalism on the therapist's part. 

It had taken a while for Evan to understand why even though he hadn’t said no, it hadn’t been consensual either. 

Aaron understood what Evan wasn’t saying, that Buck 1.0 didn’t care about what was done to him, only what he did for others, how he brought happiness and pleasure to everyone around him. And how he had needed to go the minute Captain Nash had fired him on the spot.

“Buck…”

“I pushed him away,” Evan said desperately as he pulled the covers away, sitting down on the bed, facing Aaron. His eyes were red and blotchy, his cheeks wet with tears. “I pushed him away before anything happened and I ran away before I did something I regretted.”

“I didn’t kiss him, I almost did but I didn’t,” he pressed down, putting in his eyes as much sincerity as he could muster. Aaron knew his face looked pained and weary, as Buck’s face reflected just how much he hated himself.

And as much as it pained him to see, it was only cementing his decision.

“I fell in love with Reid back when my marriage ended,” Aaron said after a few moments of silence, knowing Buck was drowning in guilt and self loathing. “He was the first person I loved after Haley, and he was there for me until he wasn’t.”

“It broke my heart how he pushed me away without an explanation, how he stopped hanging around me, talking to me or even looking at me. I thought he needed space after realising that being with me was a lot, that he could die like Haley had, and… I didn’t fight for him, not like I should have,” Hotch explained as he sat down on the bed, facing Buck but with a few inches between them. “I was a divorced widower single father and Jack needed me… I was a mess and I thought Reid deserved better than me. Then, as time went on, we kept getting farther and farther away from each other. There were so many secrets between us, he had a girlfriend…”

Hotch fought to stay with Evan and not drown in his memories, but the pain of those years had left a scar that he had only just realised had never healed properly. Exactly like Foyet’s attack wounds.

“But then, my love never went away, and I realised I was just hurting myself.”

“He became nothing but a pipe dream, an impossibility,” Aaron continued, his gaze far away, memories of his time with Reid, the pain of the aftermath behind his eyelids, “and I made my peace with that, even if the ‘what could’ve been’ hurt me every time I looked at him.”

“And then you met me,” Evan said, his voice sounding small and unsure.

“And then I met you,” Aaron said with a chuckle, remembering the first time he had seen the man in that Show and Tell, how nervous he had been and how he had been drawn to Buck from the moment that he laid eyes on him.

“Reid is my past, Evan. You are my present and, hopefully, my future,” Aaron said with a wet laugh, his voice a little strained. His resolution was weavering, but he needed to push through, even if it hurt. It was what they both needed. “I chose you Buck, and I’ll keep choosing you until the day I die.”

“But,” he added, looking away as a few tears slipped down his cheeks, his voice hoarse. “I think we need to break up.”

“Why?” Buck asked, resignedly, tears in his eyes, his voice broken. “Because I’m a mess?”

“And I’m not?” Aaron asked with a self depicting chuckle, understanding what Buck wasn0t saying. “I’m a divorcee, widower, who haunts serial killers and mass murderers for a living.”

“You’re my mess,” Buck said with a wet sob as he gathered Aaron in his arms, refusing to let him go. “My mess.”

He gathered him in his arms, holding him tight, prolonging the inevitable. He knew it was for the best, for the both of them. And in the long run they would both thank it.

But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a bitch.

–––––––––

“Buck...”

“Evan,” Buck mumbled on Aaron’s shoulder, holding him tight. He knew why the older man wanted to break up, hell, before the breakdown he had been meaning to call him and tell that exact same thing, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. If he didn’t release him, he'd stay with him for as long as Buck could hold onto. “Don’t you ever call me Buck again. To you, I’m Evan.”

“Evan, I love you,” Aaron said as he tightened his hold on Evan, almost as if he was as afraid as Buck to let go. “I will always love you, Evan. This is not the end. You know that, right?”

“I know,” Buck said, uncaring of the tears in his cheeks. “It’s just an ‘I’ll see you later’ kinda deal.”

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” he added as he let go of Aaron, pushing his forehead against the older man’s. 

“I know my love, I know,” Aaron added softly as he cleaned the tear tracks on Buck’s cheek.

And as Buck stared at the night sky outside his window, his own reflection staring back at him from between Aaron’s arms, he knew, deep inside his soul, why had things happened the way they did. Eddie’s memory kept weighing him down and there was still the thread of what he wanted for himself out of life.

Buck was chosen, at last.

But he needed to make a choice.

September 19th, 2021

As Eddie stood in the middle of an unknown backyard, people gathered around him and Chris, them meeting Ana’s family for the first time, he couldn’t help the pang in his chest at the memory of what that day meant to him. Two years ago, Eddie and Buck had vowed to each other to always have each other’s back. 

They had had their highs and lows, their good and bad moments, and everything in between. They were BuckAndEddie and had been ever since they pulled a grenade out of a man’s leg and said the words that were seared into his brain and in his heart.

“You can have my back any day.”

“Or you know, you could… you could have mine.”

“Deal.”

When had everything become so broken between them that Eddie didn’t even know Buck had a boyfriend? When had he run out of time?

Notes:

They break up because Buck needs to know himself and what he wants out of life a little bit better, just like in canon. But he will get back together with Aaron, I promise you that. It’ll just take a while (5 chapters… give or take).

But this won’t be the end of their interactions. They’re broken up, but they’re still friends and each other’s support. Actually more than a break up, it's like they hit pause on their relationship while still keeping their acquaintance with each other, building up their friendship a little bit more.

Also, yes, I stole that Hotchniss moment and made it Botch’s. Please don’t sue me.

Chapter 30: October 25th, 2021

Summary:

Buck goes back to work.

Notes:

Buck’s recovery was a four month period, just like Eddie’s in the show. And because Maddie never left, Chimney didn’t chase after her, so the 118 only had to fill one spot. But Buck isn’t at his 100% and he knows it. Hence, Ravi is here and he’s here to stay.

TW: mild crude language.

“How you holding up, Buck?” Hen asked, startling him. “Couldn’t help but notice you retreating into yourself at your own welcome back party. Is everything alright?”

Buck gave her a mirthless chuckle, not feeling particularly joyful despite the situation. He was finally back at work, much in part thanks to the training for the FBI triathlon, but the hollowness in his chest wasn’t fixed just by being back at the station, even if he was indeed happy to be back.

He had had an extensive talk with his therapist about his own worth outside his job and what he did for other people, how he mattered for only being himself. It had been a painful but necessary talk, one that had been particularly important after he quit therapy following his parent’s dismissal of him.

“I’m happy to be back, Hen,” Buck began saying before Hen interrupted him.

“You sure about that?” 

“Yes,” Buck said with a small laugh, a puff of air, “I just really miss Aaron.”

“Oh, lover boy,” Hen said, half mockingly and half seriously. “Is he on a case?”

“Yeah, he is,” Buck said with a smile, “but… we broke up.”

“Oh… Buck, I…” Hen said, fumbling for words. “I thought you were training for the triathlon together.”

“We are,” Buck replied, a smile on his face at the reminder of Aaron in his training gear. “We still talk, we still help each other. We had movie night last night with Jack.”

“Then how is that any different from what you were already doing?”

“Well, for starters, I’m back at my apartment. No more staying over with the Hotchners. And when we see each other, we don’t kiss or cuddle like we used to,” Buck said with a pout. “But worst of all, I haven’t sucked his dick since the break up and I miss it so much.”

“Buck!” Hen choked, scandalised. 

Buck gave a small laugh.

“He’s… he’s one of my best friends,” Buck said, memories of Eddie making him pause. “And I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Jack behind like he means nothing to me.”

“Then why…”

“Because,” Buck said before letting out a bone deep sigh, “we’ve hurt each other. Not on purpose or with malice, but enough to know that neither of us is in the right place to be in a relationship right now. The pressure a romantic relationship has is… too much for either of us right now.”

“I was shot Hen, in broad daylight, and I could’ve died, just like with the firetruck, the pulmonary embolism or the tsunami,” Buck continued, his voice soft. “But unlike any of those times, I couldn’t keep bottling it up. I just couldn’t. And Aaron caught some of the worst of it.”

Hen said nothing, but her support was undeniable. So Buck kept talking, unloading it all.

“Being in a relationship right now, when I have so many doubts about my own sense of worth, who I am, what I want… seems like a bad idea. And I’ve already hurt him enough. If I want this to last, and I do, I have to work on myself for myself, not anyone else. And then, well… I guess we’ll see.”

“That sounds incredibly mature, Buck,” Hen said, pride in her voice. “You’ve grown so much since I first met you. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Buck said, blushing, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. “I’m proud of myself too.”

“You still love him.”

“I never stopped,” he said with a pained sigh, memories of Aaron replying in his head, “but that’s not enough for a relationship to last. And I want this one to last.”

“I support you no matter what,” Hen said, standing up. “You know that.”

“I do.”

“But this is your party, we’re happy that you’re back,” Hen continued, offering him her hand. “And as such, we must rejoin them and celebrate your return to your family.”

Hen placed a soft kiss on his head, and not for the first time, Buck was thankful for Hen’s presence in his life. Before Maddie came back into his life, Hen had become a second older sister to him. And he knew she saw him as her white little brother.

Braving himself to put on a happier mask, Buck started making his way towards the rest of the 118, when a buzzing in his pocket made him stop in his tracks. Frowning, he grabbed his phone, only for his breath to catch in his throat.

It was a message from Aaron.

Good luck on your first day back

Not even bothering to fight it off, Buck felt his first real smile of the day appear on his face. His heart was beating steadily inside his chest, but there was a warmth spreading through him at the sight of that message, knowing the older man was thinking of him, probably missing him as much as Buck missed him. 

He really missed Aaron.

Good luck with your father in law
I know you’ll do the right thing
Whatever that turns out to be

Resisting the urge to add a heart to his message, like he had grown used to during their relationship, Buck pocketed his phone back. He continued his way back to the 118, stopping for a piece of cake on the way.

Bobby was the first one to notice him, piece of cake in hand, a huge smile breaking on his face. Buck was once again warmed with the knowledge of how loved he was, by Aaron, the 118. His sister. 

Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley was far from alone.

But there was still a long path to walk until he felt complete.

–––––––––

As Aaron contemplated Evan’s message, a small smile appeared on his face. Even if his father in law hated him with every fibre of his being, he still had the support of the younger man. And some days, if not all of them, that was almost everything Hotch needed to get through the day. 

Maybe they weren’t ready to be in a romantic relationship, with everything going on in their lives, but Evan was one of the best friends Hotch had ever had. And as he pondered on how to help Jessica and his father in law, knowing that Evan was by his side, supporting him, it gave him strength to find the right solution for everyone involved.

–––––––––

He was avoiding Eddie. That was the truth. And for once, he was grateful to have the probie with him instead of his usual partner. Helping Ravi like Hen had helped him back in his probationary days was something he didn’t know he needed until he was already doing it. 

Seeing Ravi go green at the sight of the chainsaw, reminded him of the first time he had seen something truly horrible on the job.

“If you need to puke, probie,” Buck said as gently as he could while still focused on the patient. “Do it over there.”

Ravi ran towards a clear path on the field, to let his guts out. And in the meantime, Buck ignored Eddie’s piercing gaze on him. The last thing he needed was to talk to the other man. 

In another lifetime, he’d probably be grateful or bashful of having Eddie’s eyes on him, missing their warmth and his presence in their time apart. However, at the time, only the memories of the distance between them, the silences, the awkwardness, the subtle accusations… It was too much.

And Buck couldn’t and wouldn’t deal with it.

Focusing on the task at hand, on Ravi’s training, would be the right thing to do.

He was sure of that.

–––––––––

As Roy left with Jessica for the night, his words kept ringing inside his head. 

“Maybe this disease won’t be a curse after all .”

Hotch thought that in a way, that was right. Forgetting Haley’s murder would be a blessing in disguise, in some ways. In others, it would be painful for him to remind a daughter that is no longer there. That will never be there. Not again.

He couldn’t imagine not having his memories of Haley, Evan. Even his childhood or Foyet. Reid. Everything made him who he was, the man standing in his living room, phone in hand, father of a 9 year old boy who was asleep in his bed. 

He wouldn’t change anything that had happened in his life, as it led him to exactly where he wanted to be. Even if pain had been a predominant part of it.

And one day, that would include Evan by his side.

He just needed to be patient. And learn.

–––––––––

Buck left the station feeling satisfied and happy with his work. His first shift back and nothing outrageous or disastrous had happened. Those were the best days to have.

He said yes to staying with Jessica

I knew you could do it

He spotted Eddie walking towards him, an intense look on his face. His heart started beating loudly, so loud Buck wondered if anyone else could hear it. Looking around, as nonchalantly as he could, Buck spotted Ravi waving at him. 

“Hey, Buck!” Ravi called, calling him over. 

“Probie!” Buck said, “what do you need?”

“I wanna… thank you, for helping me,” Ravi said with an amused smile, “even if you were a little too intense on it.”

“The 118 only makes the best of the best firefighters in LA,” Buck said proudly, making Ravi laugh. 

“Yeah, and I like being here,” Ravi said, “but I’m more glad everyone here accepts me just for who I am, helping me learn.”

“Hen took you under her wing before I came back, didn’t she?” Buck said, understanding dawning on him. He had seen Ravi and Hen talking earlier, probably Ravi concerned about how intense he was being with the chainsaws.

People rarely understood the proper maintenance of them and Buck was just trying to educate them on it! Wikipedia and Youtube said so!

He remembered Aaron laughing when Buck explained that to him, making him laugh in return. The sun had been shining, a warm fall afternoon. 

Aaron looked beautiful, more so than ever.

“Buck?” Ravi asked, his voice and gaze concerned, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” Buck said, “just thinking about my boyfriend,” he said before his brain remembered he wasn’t his boyfriend anymore.

Not yet at least , his mind supplied to him.

“Oh, right,” Ravi said, a bright smile on his face. “The FBI Agent.”

“Yeah,” Buck replied, matching Ravi’s smile. He wasn’t ready for more people besides Hen to know about his breakup, especially if it wasn’t meant to last. Less hassle that way. 

“I hope I get to meet him soon,” Ravi said.

“Actually, we’re running a triathlon in a few days,” Buck said, an idea forming in his head. “Would you like to come?”

Notes:

I'll be posting a chapter from now on every Monday at around 7pm, when 911 is supposed to happen so gdhsjklsg you know.

Regarding the chapter, because of all the changes, Buck isn’t the mindset he was in the show at this point. So when ‘training’ Ravi, he’s still intense, just in a much nicer way.

I made a big deal of showing which ‘episodes’ of their respective shows we’re on because two chapters from now, things will get… interesting. But first, a triathlon must be run.

Also, I realised I didn’t include the treasure hunt in this verse, and that’s a travesty, so I’m writing it for the other parts this verse will have.

Next Up: FBI Triathlon.

Chapter 31: November 6th, 2021

Summary:

A triathlon is run.

Thoughts are had, feelings are felt.

Notes:

I know I said I’d post this chapter on Monday, and I'm sorry for the delay but a person I love had minor surgery so I was busy taking care of them and I couldn’t write the chapter or post it sooner. They’re fully healed now so here’s the chapter as promised.

“The race is tomorrow, you know?” Rossi asked him as they left the offices, done for the day, case solved. “You’re gonna need a new excuse to keep seeing him.”

“It’s Evan,” Hotch replied softly, smiling sweetly as his mind wandered to the younger man. “I never need an excuse to see him.”

“I don’t understand why you broke up,” Rossi said as the elevator’s doors closed, “nothing has really changed between the two of you.”

“Oh, it has changed a lot,” Hotch said, failing to keep away the memories of Evan and him, which made him blush. Rossi’s eyebrow lifted up, but Hotch ignored it, willing the fire in his belly away for the time being. 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Rossi said, clearly amused. “See you at… do I really have to be there at 5?” Rossi asked once the doors opened in the parking lot.

“Is the time Evan and I will be leaving for the race,” Hotch said, a smirk on his face as he walked towards his car.

“You owe me one,” Rossi said to his back, making Hotch snort in return.

“A big pot of coffee will be there, waiting for you,” Hotch replied without looking back, a smile on his face. “Your favourite.”

As he drove towards his house, the excitement for the race came to a full. Running always made him feel alive, especially when it wasn’t running for his life or chasing an UnSub, but for the leisure of it. And when Evan was by his side, well, it was the sweetest feeling. 

The weeks since the break-up had been tough, finding the balance of no longer being together romantically but staying in each other’s orbits as friends and mutual support. It was especially hard since only Hen and Rossi knew about the break-up, both Hotch and Evan having decided that until they knew for sure if it was a permanent break up or not, no one should know. 

Hotch knew he needed to learn to truly trust Evan, whole heartedly and fully. No more half in half out. Let himself accept the love Evan gave him without fears or insecurities. Trust that, when he fell, Evan would be there to catch him and hold him up, not let him down.

He was getting better at it, the mention of Eddie Diaz no longer the stinger it had been once upon a time. Hotch would be a liar if he said that having Evan and him no longer together hadn’t helped with it, but the truth was that if Evan did end up choosing Eddie and let the break up be permanent, Hotch would accept the decision. 

But before that came to happen, he wasn’t willing to go without a fight. Not anymore. 

However, Evan still wasn’t ready, he still had to make a choice. He still had to find what he wanted. 

And Hotch would wait, for as long as Evan needed. 

–––––––––

As Evan reached the finish line, the 118 and the BAU team cheering for him, Aaron by his side, he felt invincible. Nothing and no one could bring him down. Bobby, Athena, May and Harry were cheering loudly at the finish line, Jack next to them on Morgan’s shoulders, a banner on their hands with both Buck and Aaron’s names on it. 

Buck felt himself tear up at the sight, touched by the love Jack had for him. Tears that he let out once he caught sight of Christopher on Eddie’s shoulders, cheering for him. Christopher’s banner also had Aaron’s name in it, right besides Buck’s, making his heart flutter inside his chest. 

Ravi was standing next to JJ, Penelope and Prentiss, who looked hungover and tired. He was looking at and talking with Reid, who was animatedly explaining something to the younger firefighter while glancing every now and then towards Aaron. While he once would’ve let his insecurities win him over, he was confident in the knowledge that Aaron loved him, chose him for a partner, over anyone else in the world. 

If Aaron said he no longer loved Reid, who was Buck to doubt him if he truly trusted him? 

Besides, Ravi was looking at Reid with an awestruck expression on his face, a view that made Buck chuckle. He wished no ill intention towards Reid, whatsoever, and Ravi was a great person. They would make a cute couple… once Reid stopped making eyes at Aaron.

Chimney was there with Jee, Maddie still at the clinic for her PPD. It had been hard on all of them, with Maddie feeling guilty over missing time with Jee, Chimney feeling like a failure for not being able to help Maddie by himself, Buck torn apart in who to support the most. But as Maddie’s doctor and therapist kept telling them, it really was for the best. 

Hen and Karen were in between Chim and Eddie, Karen talking to Eddie while Hen supported Chimney. Denny was on Albert’s shoulders, who had finally recovered fully from his accident, clapping and laughing for Buck and Aaron.

As he looked at his family all together, he was hit with the realisation that it had been the right decision to not let anyone know about their break-up. He knew they wouldn’t be standing side by side, cheering for both of them if they knew he and Aaron were no longer together. 

But Buck knew in his heart it was just a matter of time until he was ready. He wasn’t avoiding Eddie anymore, but there was a distance still between the two of them. Put by both of them, if he was being honest with himself. He couldn’t figure out who he was or what he wanted if Eddie was there, now that Aaron wasn’t.

Aaron had never said it, but the thought had been there, just as Buck wondered if Aaron had been attracted to him in the first place for the slim similarities between himself and Reid. Had he really used Aaron as a replacement for Eddie, as the other man kept pushing him away, only contacting whenever Christopher was involved? Or had he really fallen for Aaron, no matter whatever similarities he shared with Eddie?

Buck and Aaron crossed the finish line, the BAU-118 unit cheering the loudest when it happened. Buck was sweaty and tired, muscles sore and heart beating loudly, cheeks red from happiness and effort. 

He had fears and doubts regarding his future, even knowing what he wanted, he was still scared of the outcome and its consequences. But as he stared at Aaron, glistening with sweat, happiness radiating off him as he hugged Jack, Buck was engulfed in a feeling of love and longing.

Oh how he wanted to kiss him, kiss him senseless and never let him go.

He just had to be brave.

Notes:

Next Up: break it or make it.

Chapter 32: November 13th, 2021

Hotch was unsettled, Mr Merrin’s case on his mind. The panic in his eyes retelling his story, his confusion at the timeline. Nothing made sense and yet, Hotch wanted to believe in his words, even if evidence pointed to the contrary. Everything made it seem like Mr Merrin had killed his family, but the conviction in his voice, the panic in retelling the shadow monster… 

‘It smelled like sage, burning sage.’

But Mr Merrin was a killer, that was a fact, even if by someone else’s hand. Hotch only had to find who was behind it all.

–––––––––

There was nothing routine about a fire at a prison, fire that led to a riot. Buck didn’t know if it was his ever growing anxiety over the last couple of shifts appearing when he last wanted it or if there was something in the air at the prison, but he could tell something was bound to happen at the call.

As they made their way through the prison towards the fire, Buck could feel everyone around him was on edge. With due reason. But still, it was something that was eating at him, even if there was really no sense to worry at all.

After all, what was the worst that could happen to a group of firefighters inside of a prison cell?

–––––––––

As Garcia sent him the address for Dr Susannah Regan’s house, Hotch’s unsettlement increased ten fold. There was something about this case, the unreliability of memories that had him scared for himself for the first time in a very long time. 

Rossi was right, it was a one way ticket for the UnSub, Peter Lewis, but Hotch had to get there. He had to stop Mr Lewis before more blood could be shed. 

Ignoring his gut, his fear, he pressed harder on the gas, hoping to get there in time. He had to get there in time.

His cellphone was resting in his jacket pocket, and the itch to text Evan grew by the second. But Hotch could wait. He would wait until everything was said and done.

–––––––––

Buck and Eddie had been tasked with taking the prisoner to the hospital, escorted by two guards. Buck was too focused on his task, worried about the man, his actions showing it as he made sure Eddie didn’t have to worry about driving while he worked on keeping the man alive. 

However, if he had been more aware of his surroundings, more conscious of what was happening around him, he would’ve known the guards were acting suspicious, not really acting as guards should be. But, as it was, the gun pointed towards him had been a surprise, freezing his movements for just a moment.

‘Firefighter down, firefighter down!’

He shouldn’t have tempted fate.

–––––––––

Everything was dark, the door was open and Dr Susannah was being too complacent, not at all scared. Hotch’s gut was screaming at him to get out of there, to run. But he had a duty to fulfil, a job to get done.

“He wants you to see this,” Dr Susannah said as she stabbed herself in the neck, forcing him to lower his gun in order to catch her. Blood pooled underneath her, but before he could do anything, a spray smelling like sage caught him by surprise, blinding him.

He shot aimlessly, blinded by the spray, and even as he tried to wash away the spray with water, Mr Lewis attacked again, gassing him once more and subsequently knocking him down.

On the floor, looking up as Mr Lewis stared him down, Hotch was sprayed with the gas once more. Feeling the darkness engulf him, Aaron’s one last thought was.

‘I should’ve texted Evan when I had the chance.’

–––––––––

It wasn’t the first time a gun was pointed towards Buck, but it was the first time that he regretted those photographs in his wallet. The panic of having Christopher and Jack threatened made him want to throw up. 

Was that what Aaron felt everytime he faced an UnSub?

He made a mistake, and got a punch to the face in response. 

‘Better than getting shot,’ he thought, as pain throbbed in his face, momentarily blinding him. And for one, irrational moment, Buck wanted Aaron there with him. Aaron would make everything right, like he always did.

But he wasn’t, and Buck had nowhere to run.

–––––––––

His phone was ringing, as well as his head. Hotch could feel blood on the open wound in his head, throbbing with pain. Everything felt dizzy and confusing, as if he wasn’t really there.

The phone displayed a name, but Hotch couldn’t see it, only hoping it wasn’t Evan calling. The last thing he needed was Evan getting caught once more in Hotch’s mess, getting hurt in the process because Hotch had failed him once more.

Mr Lewis was staring at him, sitting on a chair, ignoring the phone lying at his feet. He removed the mask he was wearing as he began to speak.

Hotch couldn’t comprehend the words, everything felt like too much. Too heavy, too dizzy, too confusing. 

“She said sage made it safe to talk about Mr Scratch,” Peter was saying, his voice a small murmur in the quiet of the night, the smell of sage permeating Dr Susannah’s living room. “What do you see when you look at me? Do you see Mr Scratch?”

His phone kept ringing, and Hotch felt fear. It couldn’t be Evan, not again.  He wouldn’t survive a third time.

“I want to know what you’re feeling,” Peter kept softly whispering, making Hotch’s uneasiness increase. 

The phone displayed the name ‘Garcia’ in bold letters, and Hotch could feel himself breathe. Evan was safe, and would be safe for as long as Hotch was allowed to live. 

“That’s my team, they know I’m here and if you harm me, they’ll…”

“What are you talking about?” Peter whispered into the night. “Your phone isn’t ringing.”

The room was silent, and Hotch’s panic increased. But he couldn’t let it show to Peter. He couldn’t. And then, something caught his eyes.

“Well, it was ringing,” he said with an aloofness he wasn’t feeling. 

“No, it wasn’t,” Peter murmured firmly. “Very interesting.”

“You just gave yourself away just now,” Hotch said, amusement engulfing him. “You slipped up.”

“How do you figure?” Peter asked, his voice gaining volume.

“You have no idea, do you?” Hotch replied, amused. 

He began laughing, a mixture of everything crashing down onto him. He felt himself smile, something he hadn’t done since and Evan broke up, and even while laughing, a pang of longing shot through him, making him laugh harder in turn.

“You said that she… that she would… burn sage,” Hotch began explaining, words too difficult for his mouth to form. “But how… how would you know that? Unless she… questioned you, too? I know, Peter… I know how those interviews… worked, how… coercive they… were. With children who were innocent… and helpless.”

“Shut up,” Peter said, his voice breaking. But Hotch couldn’t stop, words pouring out of him, even if he didn’t want them to.

“She questioned you… about your father, and she wouldn’t stop… Until she got the answers she wanted. Answers you gave to her.”

“Shut up,” Peter repeated, his voice and face full of tears, gun clicking in his hand. Hotch could feel the gun pressing into his forehead, but he was no longer afraid. 

Jack and Evan were safe, and that was the only thing that mattered. 

“Oh,” Peter said, surprised, his face and voice morphing into excitement. His tone was again soft and calming, soft murmurs breaking into his head. “That was so good, that was so good. Impressive. The way you got into my head… It makes me want to know how to get into yours.”

Hotch’s heart twisted inside his chest, but before either of them could say a thing, a light came through the window, the sound of tires hitting the pavement. His team was there.

Peter turned towards the light, before a smile appeared on his face. He looked back at Hotch.

“You were right,” Peter said, his voice regaining volume once more. “They did come calling for you.”

“They’ll kill you,” Hotch said with a conviction he didn’t feel, Foyet’s laughter and voice ringing in his ears. They hadn’t been there when he had been stabbed, nor when Haley was attacked. Why would they be there when he was in danger once more?

“Are you sure about that?” Peter asked, echoing his thoughts.

Peter stood as Hotch was unable to move, facing the entrance of the house, bound to the floor by the heaviness of the drugs. JJ,  Morgan, Rossi and Reid entered the house, guns ready to shoot. He wanted to feel elated and relieved, but a heavy sense of dread settled over him, freezing him to the spot.

Reid was walking towards the back of the house, gun drawn, and Hotch felt a pang of dormant affection towards the younger man. Reid was being cautious but decisive in his movements, worry about Hotch etched into every line his face had. 

Hotch wished for Reid to turn around and see him, find him bound to the living room’s desk and floor. He wanted Reid to get him, to be safe from Peter. 

But Peter had been faster than Hotch, and before he could make a sound, Peter appeared from a door behind Reid, shooting him in the head. Blood pulled on the floor, Reid’s eyes vacant and hollow. Hotch wanted to scream, as that was never meant to happen.

He was always supposed to die first, before anyone else. But he couldn’t do a thing. He was helpless in the face of everything. And all he wanted was to scream.

“Shots fired! Spencer is down!” JJ screamed as Morgan and Rossi found similar fates, gunshots surrounding Hotch. 

Reid was dead, his team was dead. Peter was laughing, relishing in his misery. Hotch was still frozen to the spot, unable to move.

And it was all his fault.

–––––––––

They were outside a hospital and he was getting separated from Eddie once more. The guy with the gun, Mitchell Tent, was forcing him to stay while Eddie left with the bald man. 

Buck still didn’t understand the plan, but as long as the gun was drawn, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t fight. Memories of that day, of the bullet piercing his skin were at surface level. Emotions running high, memories flowing without his permission. He could feel as if everyone was reading what was etched in his skin, his face, but Eddie left without looking back and Buck was trapped with a man with a gun.

Aaron… Buck hoped he was safe, that wherever he was, nothing bad was happening to him. He knew the man would blame himself if anything happened to him, even if there was nothing he could’ve done to stop it. Aaron was the kind of man that didn’t deserve any of the things that had happened to him.

He deserved to be loved and happy, especially after everything he had witnessed. 

Sirens began wailing outside the ambulance, and Mitchell panicked. 

“I got a hostage! Don’t come any closer!”

Buck knew it was impossible, but a part of him was Aaron outside, waiting for him. How he wanted to see him one last time, to hold him and never let him go.

But life didn’t work out that way.

–––––––––

Finding out it had all been a hallucination, that his team was fine had been both relieving and gut punching. Because no matter how hard he tried, everytime he closed his eyes he would see Reid’s dead eyes staring back at him. Even with Reid staring at him, face full of concern and worry, all Hotch wanted to do was run away. 

Reid should’ve never looked like that, cold and unmoving. He was full of life, random facts, knowledge coming out of him through every pore. Reid was alive, and Hotch couldn’t even look at him.

“Tell me how it smelled like. Tell me how you feel. Start at the beginning, start at the end. I don’t care. But talk about it,” Rossi was saying, Hotch drowning in his panic. “What do you remember? 

What if it had been real? What if Reid had truly died?

He needed Evan. If only to feel like there was something good in a world full of death and uncertainty. To feel life and warmth underneath his fingertips, begging him to stay.

What had been real and what was a lie?

“Hotch?”

–––––––––

Mitchell only wanted to give his son a second chance. And while Buck didn’t have kids, the memory of Jack laughing, carefree in the backyard tugged at his heartstrings. 

Jack wasn’t his son, but there was nothing Buck wouldn’t do for him.

Buck kept doing CPR, keeping Mitchell’s heart alive. He yelled at everyone to keep going, to make Mitchell’s sacrifice worth something. Yes, he had been a criminal, yes he was a horrible person.

But his kid deserved a second chance.

And as they wheeled Mitchell away, towards the ER, Buck felt all the fight leaving him. He was tired, full of anxiety and on edge. He wanted to cry, to scream and to run. 

He wanted Aaron. More than he had ever wanted anything at all.

And he was tired of thinking otherwise.

“I’m going home,” he said as he bid goodbye to his team, once everything was said and done. Memories of Aaron’s smile and Jack’s gentle laughter filled the air. He wanted to be with them, even if he knew he couldn’t, the break up stopping him from reaching out.

But he was tired, and a fool.

–––––––––

Happy Anniversary

Our anniversary it’s February 13th

It’s the anniversary of the day we met

Happy Anniversary, Evan

Happy Anniversary, Aaron <3
On my way home
That okay?

 

You never have to ask
Is your home too
Always will be

Notes:

Next Chapter will be up sometime this week.

A short but important one

Chapter 33: December 4th, 2021

Since the prison riot, being held hostage with Eddie and subsequent horrors had Buck a little more than on edge. He was looking around every corner, waiting for something to happen, anxiety through the roof.

Aaron wasn’t doing any better, with constant nightmares that woke him up screaming. Buck had asked to crash at their place, scared that the other prisoner would find him and hurt him for letting Mitchell die. But with Aaron and his gun around, Buck was safe.

Aaron had said little about what had scared him, something about an UnSub forcing him to watch his entire team die in order to drive him insane. He tried to appear strong, but Buck knew him enough from the tremor on his hands, the shakiness on his voice when he woke up that there was something else troubling him. 

But he trusted Aaron to tell him when the time was right, just as Buck was telling him in little bits and pieces what had happened in that ambulance with Mitchell. The fear for Jack and Christopher, the feeling that he hadn’t seen Hotch right before his very probable death.

Aaron had teared up, his fears showing when he told him in return about Mr Scratch. 

Buck’s fears were subdued when Aaron was around, which is why, right when the movie ended and Aaron and Buck took Jack to bed, Buck turned around and held Aaron’s hand in between his.

“Come to the Christmas barbeque with me,” he said as soon as Aaron closed the door. “You can even invite the BAU.”

As soon as Buck said the BAU words, Aaron’s face contorted in pain, as if pained by the mention of his team. Knowing to put a pin on that thought, Buck soldiered on. They wouldn’t spend Christmas apart again, even if their situation was somewhat similar to the year before.

“Or it can be just the three of us, no biggie,” Buck said, anxiety making him rush his words. “I was just thinking that Jack would love to be around Chris, Denny and Harry, you know? They’re really good friends and…”

“We’d love to be there with you, Evan,” Aaron interrupted him softly, a small smile on his face. “You sure your Captain wouldn’t mind having your ex-boyfriend around?”

“Only Hen knows we broke up, you know it.”

“Still?” Aaron asked, surprised. “It’s been… months.”

Buck just shrugged, suddenly insecure. Had Aaron told Reid? Dating him behind his back?

“I know,” Buck said eventually, “but we’re getting back together... eventually.”

“We are,” Hotch said with a pleased smile, “just say the word and we are.”

“Actually…” Buck began saying before being interrupted by the phone. “It’s Cap.”

“I’ll leave you to it,” Aaron said with a small smile before placing a kiss on Buck’s cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning, Aaron,” Buck replied as he answered the phone.

“Hey, Buck!” Cap said from the other say, his voice cheery. “I know it’s still early, but do we count on you for Christmas dinner or are you spending it with Hotch?”

“Actually Cap,” Buck said, a smile on his face. “The Buckley-Hotchner family unit will be right there with your favourite apple pie.”

Notes:

Next Chapter: Merry Christmas to us all!

Chapter 34: December 25th, 2021

Summary:

Merry Christmas to you all!

Notes:

The tags have FINALLY been updated

“If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing… timing. But timing's a bitch.” How I Met Your Mother (Season 7, Episode 1. ‘The Best Man’).

Christmas morning used to mean something to Eddie Diaz. As a kid, it meant presents and all the family together; his father was home and he didn’t have to be the man of the house. He could just be a kid. When he grew up and met Shannon, it meant warmth and love, moments just for the two of them and the little team that they were. But then she got pregnant, and Eddie left. Christmas meant arguments over Christopher, angry bitter tears as they pretended everything was alright for his parents and Chris’ sake. 

And then Shannon left, leaving a gaping wound in the middle of Eddie’s soul. Christmas became an empty spectacle, both father and son pretending that the absence in the house wasn’t the person they both wanted the most.  

Shannon came back, and with her the warmth and love Christmas originally meant with her. Eddie had been cautious but so willing to believe she’d be there to stay. They had a second chance and Eddie wasn’t gonna waste it.

Shannon died a few months later. 

Christmas that year loomed over the Diaz family like a bitter reminder of everything they once had had and lost. Eddie hadn’t been thrilled over the holidays, but had been willing to pretend for Christopher’s happiness. Nothing mattered more than his son.

But Buck… oh sweet, wonderful Buck had made it his life mission to make the Diaz family happy, even in their darkest times. Buck had gone out of his way to ensure that even for a few moments in the middle of a 24 hour shift, Christmas still felt like warmth and love.

Maybe that Christmas was the day Eddie fell in love with him.

Because whether it be at the station or just the three of them in front of a tree, Buck made Christmas mean something. Not only warmth and love, like Shannon had, but the same freedom and glee he had felt as a child. Buck didn’t expect anything of Eddie, and yet Eddie wanted to give him everything.

But 2021 would be a different year, as the Buckley-Diaz family stood in the backyard of the Grant-Nash house, with their family and friends surrounding them. Laughter and love filled the place, but Eddie couldn’t help the bitterness in his chest at the sight of Buck leaning against his boyfriend, looking at peace.

Ana was standing by his side, her arm linked through his, her curls tickling his nose as she rested her head on his shoulder. Everyone made nice smiles at him, complimenting Ana on her dress and the dish she had brought to the party, but Eddie couldn’t hear any of that, blood rushing through his ears at the sight of Buck kissing his boyfriend’s cheek.

He let go of Ana and walked towards Buck, grabbing his hand and pulling him away from the conversation. He ignored all looks towards them as he walked until he found them a free spot, away from prying eyes. Then, he let go.

“I asked you a few months ago what changed between us, what made us distant and unaware of what was happening in the other's life. You had a boyfriend I didn’t even know about, for God’s sake!”

“Have,” Buck said, interrupting Eddie.

“What?”

“You said ‘had a boyfriend,’ and Eddie… I have a boyfriend. Aaron is right there,” Buck said, pointing out the man, who was busy talking with Chimney and Maddie, unaware of what was happening between them. (If Eddie had bothered to get to know Aaron at all, he would’ve noticed the tension on his shoulders and the tightness in his smile, showing that he knew what was happening between Buck and Eddie.)

“Why Buck?” Eddie asked, deflated. All the fight had left his body and he just wanted to understand. “Why him?”

“He sees me,” Buck said with a shrug, trying to go for casual but missing by a mille, “he chose me.”

“I chose you first!” Eddie yelled, exasperated and hurt. “I chose you first, even before he was in our lives!”

“Eddie, what are you talking about?” Buck said, distressed, taken aback by Eddie’s reaction. “You’re dating Ana, have been for almost an entire year.”

“Yeah, I’m dating the perfect woman,” Eddie said bitterly as he passed a hand through his face, barely containing his emotions. “She’s sweet, she’s kind and patient. Christopher loves her. But she’s not who I want for Christopher if something were to happen to me!” 

“What?”

“After the well, when all that dirt and mud collapsed on top of me… it got me thinking, what would happen to Christopher if I hadn’t made it out of the well?”

“But you did, you survived.”

“I did, but… If I hadn’t, Christopher’s future was unknown. So I went to my attorney and I changed my will. So, if one day I didn’t… make it… Christopher would be taken care of. By you.”

“Eddie… what?”

“It’s in my will, if I die, you become Christopher’s legal guardian.”

“Uh… I mean… h-how-how does that even work?” Buck asked, stuttering before an awkward laugh. “Don’t- don’t you… need my consent?”

“My attorney said you could refuse.”

“You know I wouldn’t,” Buck vowed silently, making Eddie’s heart twist inside his chest.

“I know you wouldn’t,” Eddie said with a conviction he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“But Eddie… he-he has grandparents, aunts, uncles. Ana. Other family,” Buck said, sounding perplexed and lost.

Eddie gave a small chuckle. As if Ana was ever a choice as Cristopher’s parent, or legal guardian. There was only Buck. Had been for a really long time.

“After Shannon left… my parents… they tried to guilt me into giving Christopher to them. It’s not what I wanted then and it’s not what I want now. Sophia and Adriana… they have their own lives, in Texas, and Christopher is happy here in LA.”

“But wouldn’t they fight for him? Ana, your parents?”

“Maybe, probably,” Eddie said, even if he wasn’t sure of that regarding Ana, their relationship not entirely on strong ground as it was. “But Buck, you have to understand… no one will ever fight for my son as hard as you. That is what I want for him.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Buck said, his eyes red rimmed, his voice breaking. “The well happened last year.”

“Because, Evan… I love you,” Eddie said with tears in his eyes, looking at Buck, pleading with him to choose him. And once upon a time, he would’ve said yes, without a second thought, and while he still loved Eddie, and probably always would, he also loved Aaron, more than he ever thought he could. “I have for a very long time, and I can’t hide it anymore.”

“Eddie….” Buck said, his voice breaking. “Please don’t do this.”

“Buck… we’re not happy.”

“I am happy.”

“Not as happy as we could be, the three of us, together. Raising Christopher like we’ve had all these years. The family we’ve made here in LA.”

“Don’t say that, Eddie. You made that family with Ana, your girlfriend.”

“With you , Buck,” Eddie said, every emotion he had been containing inside himself pouring out of his mouth, unable to be held back any longer. “The family I made, with you.”

‘You don’t find it, son, you make it.’

“We haven’t been a family in a really long time, Eddie, not really.”

“And whose fault is that?” Eddie asked, anger overtaking him once more. “Who decided to leave behind what we’ve built for a new family, eh?”

“You, Eddie, you did!” Buck yelled, standing up abruptly, calling the attention of everyone around them. “You cut me out of your life so smoothly, that by the time I realised you knew nothing about what was going on with me, I got shot!” He could feel the entire team looking at them. Hotch was looking at them.

But he didn’t care.

“I was scared!”

“So was I, Eddie! But I didn’t run, you did!”

“No, you replaced me, which is worse!” Eddie said bitterly as he pointed at Hotch. He wasn’t an idiot, he could see the similarities between the two of them. Single fathers with a shitload of trauma to almost drown them in it, estranged from their late wives before they passed away, difficult childhood, struggles with sharing emotions and emotional vulnerability. He could see it, everyone could.

“Aaron is not a replacement.”

“I am Aaron, Aaron is me!” Eddie yelled, exploding. “I pushed you away and you replaced me with the first man who gave you attention that reminded you of me!”

“Eddie…”

“Why stay with him when I’m telling you I love you! We can be together, Buck. Just… give us a chance.”

“And what about Ana?”

“I’ve been unfair and cruel to her,” Eddie said, his head falling towards his chest. “I’ve been stringing her along for a really long time, maybe since the beginning, but… you replaced me, Buck.”

“So you replaced me back, like some sort of one-up?”

“She can never compare to you, Buck. She’s not you.”

“And you’re not Aaron, Eddie. Aaron is not you.”

“Exactly, we can finally be with who we really want to be with.”

“No, Eddie, you’re not understanding me,” Buck said as he sighed, letting go of the fight building in his body. “Aaron is not you.”

“Buck…”

“You’ve got it all wrong, Eddie,” Buck said with finality, his words silencing the entire backyard. “Yes, when I first met him I couldn’t ignore the similarities between you and him, they were right there, but the more time I spent around him, the more I realised that while you two are similar in some ways, he’s not here because you weren’t there back then. He’s here because he’s Aaron, and I love him for who he is, not who he reminds me of.”

“What are you saying, Buck?”

“He calls me Evan because I asked him to, because when he says it, it means something. Something worth keeping. He asks me to tell him when I have a bad day just so he can be there for me. He doesn’t demand more than I’m willing to give, and most importantly, we talk about the important things.”

“I talk to you.”

“Really?” Buck said derisively, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Then why did it take you a year to tell me about the will? Why not right away?”

“Buck…”

“If we do talk, then why did I have to learn from Chris that you were having panic attacks so bad that you went to see a cardiologist? Why didn’t you tell me yourself if we talk so much?”

“Buck, that’s not…”

“Why were you the last person to know I was dating Aaron if we ‘tell each other everything’?”

Eddie didn’t know what to do, what to say. He felt lost. In uneven territory.

“Because we don’t talk about the things that matter, Eddie. We never have. Not with the lawsuit or the fight club. Not with the tsunami or the will. We haven’t even talked about the shooting, what it meant for us.”

“You were the one who got shot, Buck.”

“And you were the one covered in my blood, Eddie. You didn’t see me for months after that.”

“I… I couldn’t, Christopher he…”

“Stop hiding behind Christopher for once in your life, Eddie!” Buck raged, his face contorted in anger. “You made that choice!”

“I know what your blood tastes like Buck!” Eddie screamed in response, unaware of the silence his words followed. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Talk to me!” Buck said, his voice soft but carrying in the silence of the room. “Or someone, but you don’t hide away and pretend it didn’t happen. That doesn’t help anyone Eddie, trust me on that.”

“I do,” Eddie said reverently, “I trust you with everything, Buck.”

“Then why do we not talk?”

“Buck, I… I’m not good with words, you know that.”

“I do, Eddie, I always have. But see, that’s the thing. We understand each other so well, know each other so well, that we understand why the other does what he does. We think there are no words needed between us, because we just know.”

“Has been that way since we pulled a live grenade from a guy’s leg,” Eddie said, trying to alleviate the mood. But Buck wasn’t having any of that.

“But we still need to talk about things, Eddie.”

“I can talk, Buck. I can.”

“But you don’t want Eddie, not really.”

“For you, I will. I’ll talk.”

“That’s not how this works, Eddie. You know that.”

“So, what? You’re settling for someone else?” Eddie asked in anger, pushing away the hurt he could feel building inside his chest. “The settler won’t try to fight for what he wants.”

“I want Aaron, Eddie,” Buck said with finality, ignoring the hurt Eddie was sending his way. “Has been that way for a while.”

“Evan… please,” Eddie begged, taking a step towards Buck. But Buck took a step backwards, and crossed his arms, as if protecting himself.

“You’re my best friend, Eddie,” Buck said, tears in his eyes. “The person that helped me become the man that I am today. Everyone is always saying Abby is the one who made me stop being Buck 1.0, but it was you and your faith in me that helped me grow up. I love you, Eddie, I do, and a part of me always will. But I’m no longer in love with you.”

And Eddie froze, in the middle of Athena and Bobby’s backyard, their family surrounding them, cheer and laughter in the background. He didn’t know what to say to that or what to do as the weight of Buck’s words settled on his chest, numbing him to his surroundings. He  just stood there, tears streaming down his eyes, on a day that was supposed to be the most beautiful time of the year. 

He could feel the pity and sympathy of his family in their stares and he hated it, more than he had hated anything else in his entire life. He wanted to rage at them, to scream and cry at the injustice of life, because they were BuckandEddie , always had and always would be. There was no one else for them.

But he couldn’t move or do anything at all.

And, not for the first or last time, Eddie really missed the times when Christmas was supposed to mean happiness and hope.

Notes:

The next and final chapter of this fic will be posted on December 31st, 2022

I wrote this chapter like 3 months ago dhgjskadfgshjak I've been dying to post it ever since

Chapter 35: December 26th, 2021

Summary:

The end.

Notes:

Well, we have reached the end of this story and well, I'm not gonna lie, I'm sobbing a little bit.

Thank you to every kuddo, to every comment, to every bookmark and person who read this and enjoyed it. You guys motivated me to finish this story and to give Buck and Hotch the ending they deserved.

This story is particularly special to me because this is the first long, multichaptered fic that I've ever finished. Usually, the insipration is gone after a few months, with me suffering because I just can't get back to it.

But this fic was different, I reached 54k words and I gave them an ending and for that, I have to thank all of you who loved this fic and this pairing as much as I did. Thank you for making sure I didn't give up on these guys.

I hope you guys like this chapter. Is a short and sweet one, reflecting the love they have for each other. I know there are some plot holes to resolve (Reid, Eddie, their shared panic over their works), but... well... the end notes will say more.

I wish for everyone to have a great start of 2023 and again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sticking with me these months on this crazy journey with muy crack ship. You guys made 2022 worth everything else.

Happy New Year <3

“You like because and you love despite. You like someone because of all of their qualities, and you love someone despite some of their qualities.” Set It Up (Netflix, 2018).

After his confrontation with Eddie, Buck hadn’t felt like sticking around, the Christmas spirit suddenly gone from him. He knew everyone was staring at them, with pitying looks and what they thought of as sympathy. Maddie had been on her way towards him, while Karen had been approaching Eddie when he had felt a hand on his shoulder, grounding him. It had been Aaron, who had led him away from the party without a second explanation. 

The way home had been silent, with even Jack in his own world. Buck knew it had been the right thing to do and to say, but a part of him mourned Eddie, what could’ve been and what might’ve been if the situation had allowed it.

But then, he had looked at Aaron, driving silently home. His heart had burst with love, joy and pain, because he loved the man, he had known that for a while. But the prison riot, the months of break up, everything had led him to realise that his place was next to Aaron.

And, as shitty as it sounded, hearing Eddie confess his love for him had only solidified his decision. He loved his best friend, always would, but in love? Hadn’t been that in a while.

They reached the house, and as Aaron turned off the engine, Buck was pulled out of his thoughts, the words he so desperately wanted to say at the tip of his tongue. Those three words were burning inside of him, but something was telling him to be patient and hold onto them just a little while longer.

Aaron sighed, looking at Jack deeply asleep in the backseat. 

“We should get him to bed,” Aaron said, not moving a muscle. “He’s gonna be cranky tomorrow if we don’t.”

“I’ll take him,” Buck replied, unbuckling his seat belt before Aaron could respond.

Aaron had opened the door by the time Buck had Jack secure in his arms. The older man didn’t appear to be angry or sad, but he hadn’t been elated either after Buck had talked with Eddie. There had been something that was holding him back while Buck just wanted to hold him.

But Buck decided to put Jack to bed as Aaron made coffee in the kitchen. Jack had been fast asleep, only stirring up when Buck placed a soft kiss on his head. 

Jack let out a little sigh, falling right back into sleep. Buck’s heart had been bursting with love at the sight of the Hotchners, but the knowledge that he’d get to watch Jack grow up brought him a joy he hadn’t felt in a really long time.

As Evan made his way downstairs, he stopped at the bottom of the stairs, contemplating Aaron making coffee. The love he had for the other man was everything he had been waiting on, ever since he was a little kid and all he ever wanted was a family. Every person, every heartbreak and every sorrow had led him to that little kitchen, on a December 26th, with the love of his life humming softly a Beatles song that Evan cared little for.

“You don’t drink coffee, you drink sugar and milk with splashes of coffee,” Evan said, the fondness in his voice unmistakable to anyone who heard him.

“Well, you never leave your coffee mug on the sink, everywhere else but the sink is fair game,” Aaron said, looking up at him, still at the bottom of the stairs. There was a smile that was fighting to be on his face, Evan just had to wait for it.

“You snore,” Evan replied, taking a few steps forward, his hands in his jean’s pockets.

“You drool,” Aaron continued, taking himself a few steps forward, the smile growing on his face.

“You solve the crosswords and puzzles with pen, permanent ink, Aaron,” Evan said, the smile on his own face mirroring Aaron’s. “That’s insane behaviour.”

“You stay away until 3am on Wikipedia binges,” Aaron replied, his voice showing how much he loved him. “And then wake me up as soon as you find something that can’t wait until morning.”

“Your lack of pop culture is worrisome, even Jack thinks so.”

“Your music taste is questionable at best,” Evan replied, holding back a laugh. “The Beatles? Seriously? There’s better music out there and you know it.”

“You’re hot headed and think you’re expandable.”

“You’re stubborn and stuck in your ways.”

“And yet,” they both said at the same time, finally within reach of each other. Aaron’s arms circled around his waist, like a puzzle piece that had finally clicked into place after you’d been searching it for so long. 

“I’m sorry it took me a long time to get here, Aaron, you deserve better.”

“I only deserve you, Evan. In every way that you are.”

“Still…” he said, looking away, embarrassed for the time wasted.

“You can make it up to me, Evan, by choosing me every day from now on for as long as you can,” Aaron replied, putting a finger on his chin, making Evan look him in the eye. 

“As long as I can? How about forever?” Evan replied, his heart hammering inside his chest. Aaron’s eyes were warm and full of love, mirroring what he felt inside his chest. 

“I like the sound of that.”

They kissed, for the first time in months. Evan hadn’t forgotten what Aaron tasted like, what his lips felt like, but kissing him again felt like the first drop of water after months of dryness and heat. It felt like coming home after a long, hard day of work, when the only thing you wanted was a reminder that the world was a good place to be.

Evan Buckley was finally home. And it was the best feeling in the whole wide world.

Notes:

Well, this is the end for this story, for Buck and Hotch choosing each other and loving each other.

BUT, if anyone else wants to know more about what's next for these two... well... I'm working on the sequel and here's a little sneak peek of what 2023 will bring us with them:

 

January 3rd, 2022

 

“I’m leaving the 118,” Evan said, to the astonishment of everyone around him. Even Chimney dropped his cookie on the table.

...

“I’m leaving the BAU,” Aaron said, silencing the team. He wasn’t surprised by the mood change, after all, he had a knack for ruining the mood wherever he went.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Didn't See You Coming