Chapter Text
chommy didn’t know what to say.
the blade, the blood god, the famed vigilante, someone who might be a serial killer, a near mythical being and patron of their town was here, at his front door.
tommy didn’t really believe in other beings other than Kristin but if he did, technoblade would be his first choice.
that is, if he had one in the first place.
tommy is not a hardcore denier (translation: atheist). especially when that being was standing right in front of him and staring daggers at him. he was the most poggers and inclusive man he knew, which honestly said more about him than the blade.
“hi” tommy said. it was in his signature tommyinnit uppercase style but the authors and characters are not allowed to use uppercase for any word except Kristin.
technoblade stared back at him menacingly, like he was trying to set tommy on fire with his mind. tommy was sweating bullets, maybe it did work, maybe he is on fire.
technoblade opened his mouth to say something until tommy interrupted, not a smart move, then again when did that ever stop tommy of the innit variety??. “i’m a big fan of your work.”.
“[redacted]” said techno awkwardly. the vigilante then awkwardly stood there just kind of staring. tommy cleared his throat. he should really introduce techno to google translate.
“is there a reason why you broke” techno gave him a really mean stare, he looked really angy, “i mean forcefully welcomed yourself into my house?” he peed himself a little, he was nervous okay?? the kids in his basement were probably going to get really excited to escape if they knew technoblade was in his house. tommy knew they were probably, most likely pretty content in there but not content enough to sit there while technoblade was here.
also, technoblade was a being of justice, whatever that means. calling him a vigilante really didn’t do him justice, angel or god was closer to what he actually was. also, there was no official legal enforcement in sleepy town. the only time the cops were found in sleepy town was when neighbouring cops visited the church because after that they quit their job and moved here. technoblade had been protecting the town for decades. so in reality, technoblade was probably the most official enforcer here.
techno was also known for taking drastic measures to stop petty crimes.
tommy gulped. he did not want to get nuked right now.
“[redacted]” oh Kristin.
act dumb, act dumb “what are people?” “i mean no of course not, i’m not some kidnapper yes no i’m i mean yes no.”
:maybe??" tommy was panicking, like a lot. he had to think of something quick.
he held up a hand. “stop don’t touch me there this is my technono square”
techno looked at him with fear and confusion, tommy thought that his impressive chant actually ejected him from his house.
techno reached into his bag and pulled out a book titled human english for dummies and started speaking in broken english
“is, you, an” he paused, “permamemt, babysitter!!” techno clearly did not understand the concept of intonations.
tommy ran through his mind, trying to figure out whether or not kidnapper counted as permamemt babysitting.
“forty-two” techno was stumped and quickly flipped through his dictionary. tommy realized his book was for american english. he grinned like the nicholas cage meme. he could use this.
techno pulled out a shotgun quirkily. tommy pissed himself a little more. the second author would just like to clarify that this is based off of their dsmp characters and has little to do with the real world and a little bit more to do with the dsmp.
"wh- was… nou. wha-" "oi bruv wouldya like a cuppa teahye?"
techno looked at him like the sentence physically hurt him. "wha?" good, he's confused him.
"tea me gusta." tommy said, completely taking advantage of non-english speakers like the model british man he was.
"tea u gusta?" he asked like the stereotypical british caveman he was roleplaying.
techno stared blankly before disappearing.
crisis averted, tommy thought.
little did he know that the crisis was only just beginning.
“okay this has gone on for too long, look kid i got a tip that you stole some children”
tommy gulped, for it was all a ruse, techno was weird like that. to avoid consequences, tommy decided to put his sigma male mindset to use
“well maybe, the guy who gave you the tip was wrong!!! have you ever thought of that???? huh?? should’ve done a fact check first.”
“look i can do a fact check right now let me in” techno was very imposing, but luckily tommy had balls of steel, he dug in his stolen stiletto heels, stolettos if you will, and locked eye contact.
after the mildly uncomfortable silence, techno opened his mouth to speak but before that tommy like the bitchlet he is interrupted the highly respectable man.
“i know my rights and i am positive you don’t have a warrant” tommy spat out, his braces didn’t help.
“yeah but i’m the one holding a shotgun” that was very true, tommy peed a wee bit more. get it??? wee??? the first author is very childish.
“waiwaithdwait wiahfi, techno may i interest you in a story????”
“no” “oh yeah?? well i’ll just tell you anyways, in the third person of course” tommy was very quirky, and poetic
“well earlier..,
an alarm went off in the house. tommy groaned, begrudgingly waking himself up from his diet coke-induced nap.
he flipped off of the couch and dragged himself across the floor to his kitchen cabinet, like a slimy little slug man. he reached in and grabbed something. he was still too sleepy to really care and the kids in his basement weren't picky.
"feeding time you [redacted], [redacted]!!" he threw open the basement door and the kids stared up with fear, they quivered at his mean mean words. tommy dumped the container into the very happy home, yes no illegality here.
he did a little dancey dance as he shook the container. absolutely nothing came out.
however it took tommy about 3 minutes of full body vibrations to come to that realization.
he started sweating.
"uhm- ok so haha-" he spluttered.
he knew from personal experience just how powerful hangry beings are. hangry beings, not people because you lose your humanity once you become hangry.
he was a hangry child once. he did not want to be on the receiving end of it. especially not after basement incident #24, when he forgot to feed the kids and they-
tommy shivered. he did not want a repeat of basement incident #24.
"okay so um" tommy started, looking at the group of children, the group of hungry hungry children. luckily, they weren't angy yet.
"sorry about that bossmans" tommy said nervously. "i'll get you some sweets to make up for it haha. just wait here please-"
he didn't check to see the expression on their faces before he turned around and bolted. he sprinted down the hallway to the front door before remembering that he had nothing but the clothes on his back. he dug his heels into the floor cartoon style causing said heels to get horrifically skinned. tommy wasn't affected by it however, because main characters don't get rekt by a measly heel wound.
unless you're achilles.
tommy crawled across the wall to his living room like a lizard or a particularly skilled rat.
he shimmied into his oversized trench coat and matching fedora with the grace of a newborn puppy. he then duck taped his combat boots (the stolettos) to his hairy legs because he never figured out how shoes work.
he strode out of his house with a mountain of mostly unearned confidence of someone who has done a task before but poorly and an extreme case of tunnel vision.
which is why it was not surprising that he immediately fell into the canal near his house.
damn those stolettos.
welp