[5+1] flowers are still beautiful even when they're stained with blood

by heartofseoul

Summary:

OR five times kihyun feels forced to tell someone + the one time he doesn't

Showki Hanahaki AU

Kihyun is no stranger to coughing but when he starts coughing up petals, he knows that he has Hanahaki. Between comeback and their busy schedule, it's the least of his problems. He doesn't have time to think about his potential death let alone who he's in love with (he has no idea) so he'll just push it to the back of his mind, hide it from everyone, and get through their promotional period before it can catch up to him. Spoiler alert: he fails.

Notes:

I've been feeling deprived of showki content so I've resulted in creating it myself. This is the first fic I've written for them so it means a lot to me. I hope y'all like it!

Chapter 1: Cough Drop Concerns

Kihyun is no stranger to coughing. He’s often clearing his throat and coughing to rid himself of that little tickle that comes and goes.

The other members all agree that if you hear someone clearing their throat in the bathroom, it’s 100% Kihyun.

Kihyun isn’t sure when it all began. His parents tell him that his throat has always been sensitive like that. Even as a kid, he was walking around going “ahem” all the time.

Kihyun supposes it’s a result of his singing. Although he knows that other singers don’t face the same problem - none of the other members do it - he figures it must be a trait of his own.

He’s never really given it much thought. And when the pandemic happens and coughing becomes something to be feared, Kihyun tries his best to tone it down. It doesn’t really work because if he needs to cough, he’s going to cough.

When all the members end up sick, Kihyun fears for them all. A respiratory virus like that can ruin an idol’s throat and lungs. Changkyun in particular seems to have the worst symptoms. And although they end up recovering rather well and rather quickly, Kihyun can sense that they’re all a little more out of breath than usual. They’re not in their best condition, but they’ve already had to postpone their tour and their comeback and they’ll do anything to keep going as is.

Thankfully, their promotions and performances and tour go well without a hitch. When they return home, Changkyun's voice is gone and Kihyun swears he’ll force feed him medicine and lozenges to ensure that he recovers well. Changkyun takes good care of himself, but Kihyun still worries. His voice returns to normal.

Things settle down for a while. They have their own individual schedules here and there - they always keep busy - but they don’t have anything major for a while and can rest.

It’s during this time that Kihyun’s throat starts to hurt. It’s not the usual tickle or irritation that comes with covid. He wonders if he’s somehow gotten it again. He gets tested and it comes out negative. He consults his doctor and gets prescribed allergy medication.

For a while, it goes away and Kihyun thinks nothing of it.

But then it comes back with a vengeance.

-

They’re preparing for their comeback when Kihyun starts to notice that there’s something wrong with him. Their choreography this time around is just as difficult and tiring as their previous one, but for some reason he can’t even make it through the whole thing without needing to rest.

Even when balancing his solo promotions with their last comeback, Kihyun had gotten through it just fine, so he doesn't know what’s so hard about doing this choreo. It’s not even close to the level of difficulty as Fantasia, but for some reason Kihyun is out of breath by the time they’re in the second verse.

The others don’t seem to have any issues. They reassure him that it must be a bad day for him and that he’ll get it down the next time they have dance practice.

Kihyun doesn’t think about it too much and goes to bed.

The next day, he feels better and nothing seems out of the ordinary.

But then night comes and with it comes the coughing. He is fitting a workout in his day before he goes to bed and can't get through his usual reps. He is overwhelmed with an insatiable itch in his throat. He coughs and coughs and coughs until his lungs start to hurt. Tears start to form in his eyes and for the first time, Kihyun feels a sharp pain in his chest.

Even when he fractured his rib and then danced against his doctor's orders and the painkillers wore off, the pain wasn’t even close to what he is feeling now. He'd never been stabbed before, but he imagines that this is exactly what it feels like.

Eventually the coughing subsides and Kihyun collapses to the floor. He gives himself a moment to catch his breath and then gets up. When he gets to his feet, he feels dizzy. He sways a bit and the room starts to tilt. He manages to find his balance with eyes closed. He takes a few deep breaths and then slowly opens his eyes. The room isn't moving anymore so he gathers his things. He bundles himself into his sweater and makes his way back home.

When he gets back, he feels like his normal self. As much as he knows that there certainly isn't something right with him, he pushes those thoughts away and convinces himself that it’s just random. With a comeback quickly approaching, Kihyun doesn't have time to be unwell. He knows that's not how it works, but until it catches up to him, he is going to pretend like everything is fine. Fake it until you make it, right?

-

Kihyun starts coughing up petals and that's when he knows for sure. It's a rare disease and little is known about it, but here's what everyone knows. When you suffer from unrequited love, often after a long period of time, it starts to manifest into a physical condition. The condition of flowers growing in your lungs. Symptoms include itchy and irritated throat, excessive need to cough or clear your throat, and shortness of breath. The condition worsens when you start coughing up petals. The next stage of progression is when the petals start coming out stained with your blood. Eventually you throw up entire flowers soaked in your blood. The flowers will grow and grow. They start to develop thorns that slice your throat on their way out and eventually they'll constrict your lungs and you'll stop breathing. And then you die.

The only known methods of curing yourself from this is through requited love or through surgery to remove the flowers. However, there's one major side effect: when you remove the flowers that grow for the person you love, all memories and feelings for that person will be removed along with them.

Kihyun has no idea how or why he has Hanahaki. He’s not in love with anyone. At least, not to his knowledge. He tries to find if there are other diseases that his symptoms could indicate, but there are none.

Confused, Kihyun tries to think if there’s anyone that he loves like that. He can’t come up with an answer. Kihyun has never been in love before. He’s liked people and dated them and even loved them, but he’s never been in love. So he has no idea how this could’ve happened.

It’s been a long time, Kihyun realizes, since he’s even shown romantic interest in anyone. The past few years, especially, Kihyun hasn’t even thought about his love life, too focused on his career. So much happened and none of it was easy. Relationships and desires for love were the last things on Kihyun’s mind.

But now it’s all he can think about.

Chapter 2: Petal For Your Thoughts

Notes:

Thank you so much for reading my fic! I wasn't going to update so soon, but I kinda just felt like it, so here you go! I've got a lot planned and we have a long way to go, but I hope you stick with me through my sporadic updates.

The first time Kihyun coughed up a petal, it was a small, rounded shape. It was white. He was too busy freaking out about it to think about what the flower was.

The second time, there was more than one and they were slightly bigger. They were covered in his spit and muddled together so he couldn’t quite make out what they were.

The third time, he coughed once and a handful of petals just came out. Some stuck to the inside of his mouth and others fluttered out. He picked one up between his fingers and instantly knew that it was a rose. A white rose.

When you have Hanahaki, the flowers that grow in your lungs represent the person you love and the type of love you have for them.

Kihyun quickly finds that white roses symbolize purity, innocence, loyalty, and eternal love.

Again, Kihyun is confused. He thought that figuring out the meaning behind his flowers would be a big clue to help him find out who he’s in love with, but it doesn’t tell him anything at all.

Kihyun supposes that the purity and innocence could represent the person he loves, but he’s almost certain that it’s because he’s never been in love before and therefore, it’s pure and innocent.

The words remind Kihyun of Minhyuk finding out that he’s never been in love before and saying that his heart is pure. Kihyun frowns at the memory.

As for loyalty, well, if Kihyun has loved someone so much and for so long, his heart must be loyal to that person. Even though he doesn’t know who it is.

Eternal love is what stumps Kihyun. He doesn’t know about that. Just the thought of it scares him more than finding out that he’s growing flowers for someone. Love isn’t something he’s given too much thought about and now that he’s confronted with it, Kihyun has no idea what to think or to feel.

When Kihyun thinks about his future, it’s far into the future - years and years down the line when his body can no longer withstand the physical demand of being an idol. He sees all of them still together, growing old, their hair turning gray and falling out, laughing at each other.

Kihyun hasn’t given too much thought about love or marriage. Kihyun has thought about having kids, though. And he knows that love, marriage, and kids all come together as a package deal (if his future partner wants kids too, that is), but Kihyun never really thought too much about his future partner because he hasn’t met them yet.

It doesn’t really happen much anymore, but especially during their early days, they’d often get asked what their ideal type is. Kihyun has always hated those questions. Firstly because it had nothing to do with their life or career. Dating in the idol industry isn’t seen in a positive light and being put on the spot with questions like that have always made Kihyun uncomfortable. There’s no point in it anyway since they can’t date publicly and have to cater to all their fans and so they can’t be too specific or honest about their preferences even if they wanted to.

Kihyun remembers going along with what everyone else was saying. He’d say that he wants someone caring and sweet and cute. Someone with a pretty smile and kind eyes. All of which would be nice in a partner, but Kihyun thinks that it doesn’t matter because if he meets someone he likes, then that person becomes his type.

Kihyun remembers Wonho being adamant that he likes someone who can make ramen well. To him, it never mattered if it was a man or a woman. He didn’t even care if it was Kihyun. Kihyun remembers how it used to keep him up at night. He knows that it’s okay for men to love men, but to say it on public broadcast and even suggest marrying a member of his team? Kihyun didn’t know what to make of it.

Kihyun soon realized that the way he thought he had to conduct himself as an idol was too strict and too focused on the consequences of how he behaves and what he says. It had taken him a lot of time to get used to being more affectionate with his members and to learn that it was okay to let go and be more himself even in front of cameras. Kihyun has been working on himself and how he expresses himself more and more, especially with expressing love.

Kihyun decided not to think too much about the future because he has no idea how anything will turn out. He used to think that they’d all be together on their 7th anniversary. But that dream was crushed years ago. Wonho left and they had to pretend like he never existed. Shownu enlisted and so there were just five of them left to celebrate.

Kihyun started to live for the here and the now. He focuses on what he knows with certainty. He knows that no matter what, Monsta X will stay together, whether they promote together or separately or stop being idols, they have been and always will be a family of seven. And Kihyun knows that for as long as his vocal cords allow him, he will sing his heart out. Even on his deathbed, he’ll be singing, although that day may be closer than he thought.

Kihyun never really thought about the person that he would fall in love with. When it happens, it happens. That’s what he told himself. But now that it’s happened and Kihyun has no idea who it is, he hopes that he would’ve put more thought into it.

If he hadn’t been so focused on his career, then maybe he would’ve caught himself catching feelings and then he wouldn’t be dying because of it.

-

Weeks pass by and Kihyun continues to cough up petals. He’s a frequent visitor of any bathroom that is nearby. So far, no one has noticed anything wrong and Kihyun intends to keep it that way.

Kihyun wonders if he’s really that oblivious to not know who he loves. He feels stupid. Who develops a disease that requires a deep love for another person and doesn’t know they’re in love? It doesn’t make sense.

Kihyun wonders if the others know. Kihyun often doesn’t understand his feelings as well as the others do. Maybe they’ve noticed, but never said anything because they assumed that Kihyun would tell them himself. Surely if anyone were to notice Kihyun falling in love, it would be them.

He wants to tell the other members. They’re not the type of people to keep such things from each other, but Kihyun is scared. He can’t quite pinpoint exactly why he has this overwhelming sense that he can’t tell anyone, not even the people closest to him, but he trusts his instincts and keeps it to himself.

If only it wasn’t so hard to keep up with his lie.

Chapter 3: Hiding The Fact That You're Dying Requires Creative Solutions

Notes:

I'm at the ER getting some labs done and honestly I get why fanfic writers post when they're in the hospital. This is keeping me from having a full mental breakdown right now so have a chapter lol

Coughing up petals at random intervals throughout the day is really inconvenient. Sometimes Kihyun can’t just run off to the bathroom and flush the evidence down the toilet. He has gotten sneaky with it.

Kihyun is grateful for the colder weather because the cold can trigger a person to cough more so his coughing doesn’t raise suspicions. It also means that Kihyun can wear long sleeves and jackets with lots of pockets. He can pull his sleeves over his hands and cough petals into them then shove them into his pockets when he can’t go somewhere private to get rid of them. At the end of his schedule, he has a bouquet’s worth of petals that he fishes out of his pockets to dispose of.

Kihyun can’t control when the petals push their way up his throat so during their various schedules it can be a real struggle to hide. Kihyun starts to get creative with it. He coughs up petals into his face mask and then takes it off and disposes of the petals and the mask together like a bundle of trash. He carries a tumbler around like it’s full of water, but he uses it like a portable trash can. He even once coughed into his shoe and then just put it on as if there weren’t a bunch of petals pressed in between his toes.

Kihyun feels proud and guilty whenever he successfully gets away with hiding his condition.

The real obstacle Kihyun faces is when he’s at home. Sharing an apartment with Minhyuk and Changkyun and keeping a secret is difficult. Minhyuk is nosy and Changkyun is observant and Kihyun is really bad at lying.

Kihyun hopes they never catch on because if they were to ask him outright, Kihyun wouldn’t be able to lie. But as long as Kihyun doesn’t have to answer any questions, he can keep getting away with it.

The problem arises when Kihyun has a particularly bad night. The others are out of the dorm and Kihyun is on the couch watching Netflix. His coughing is really bad that night and Kihyun can’t bring himself to get off the couch and go to the bathroom. No one’s home so he allows himself to collect the petals into a pile on top of some take out napkins from his meal.

The coughing makes him exhausted and so he decides to clean up and go to bed early.

The next morning, Kihyun sits down to eat his breakfast when he sees that there’s a bunch of rose petals scattered around the floor beside the couch. His eyes widen and he panics. He wonders if either Minhyuk or Changkyun had seen them last night. He quickly picks them up and throws them away.

He hears Minhyuk coming out of his room so Kihyun sprints from the kitchen, jumps onto the couch, and shoves a spoonful of rice into his mouth. Minhyuk looks at him strangely, but otherwise doesn’t say anything about it.

“Did you leave some for me and Changkyunnie?” Minhyuk asks, walking to the kitchen and taking food from the pan. Kihyun rolls his eyes because it’s obvious that there’s food for everyone and Minhyuk is already planning on eating it regardless of what Kihyun says.

Minhyuk joins him on the couch and then Changkyun comes out of the bathroom.

“Morning,” he says and heads into the kitchen to get a protein shake. Changkyun closes the fridge and then pauses, looking down on the floor. Kihyun sweats.

Changkyun bends down and picks up a petal. Kihyun chokes on his rice. He ends up coughing and spewing rice over the table. Minhyuk scoots away from him, his face scrunched up in disgust.

“Ew,” Minhyuk says. Eventually Kihyun stops coughing.

“I’m fine,” Kihyun says and then gets up to get a glass of water. Changkyun is standing in the kitchen drinking his shake. He had already disposed of the petal. Kihyun is nervous as navigates around Changkyun to get his water.

“Are you okay, hyung?” Changkyun says after Kihyun has filled his glass. Surprised by his voice, Kihyun jumps, spilling water onto the floor.

“Um,” Kihyun says, at a loss for words, “I’m fine, Changkyun-ah.” Even though it’s very clear that he isn’t. Kihyun avoids looking at Changkyun, knowing that he’s raising an eyebrow in suspicion, and cleans up the spill.

“Oooookay,” Changkyun says and then goes back into his room. Kihyun cleans up the water and then the rice on the living room table. Minhyuk finishes his food and then goes into his room. Kihyun tries to eat, but finds that his appetite is long gone.

He throws his food into the trash, covering up the petal that Changkyun had found and thrown away and then goes into his room where he panics.

-

Kihyun receives a bouquet of white roses for the release of their new album. At first, Kihyun thinks someone is onto him. White roses? That’s really specific. Kihyun accepts the flowers from the staff, but he starts to panic. What if someone saw him and they sent these roses as a threat? What if someone was trying to blackmail him?

After posing with the flowers for some photos, Kihyun hides away in a corner and searches for a note in the bouquet. A small white card is nestled in the middle and he takes it out. His hand starts to sweat from the thought of someone knowing his secret.

Kihyun-ah, the card reads, congratulations on the new album! I can’t wait to hear your lovely voice live. You always make me smile so I got you these flowers to make you smile too. Do smile. I love your smile. The flowers are white because it’s your color and they’re roses because you’re really romantic and what flower is more romantic than a rose? I hope you like them. Good luck with your promotions. Fighting!

Kihyun is relieved that it’s not a threatening note. Although there’s something about the message that bothers him that he can’t quite put his finger on. There’s no signature and the card is typed so Kihyun has no idea who they’re from.

“Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk says from behind him. Kihyun whips around and accidentally smacks Minhyuk across the face with the bouquet.

“Hey!” Kihyun shouts. “Don’t creep up on me like that.”

Minhyuk rubs his cheek where Kihyun had hit him. “I’ve been calling your name for like a whole minute,” he says. “We need to go.”

“Alright,” Kihyun says and then follows Minhyuk to the other room where the others are.

Kihyun walks in to find that everyone has a bouquet of flowers. Changkyun is holding a purple bouquet next to his face and taking selcas while Hyungwon is sniffing his red ones. Jooheon is loudly expressing how much he loves his orange and yellow ones. Minhyuk goes over to a bouquet of blue flowers and smacks Kihyun on the arm with them.

“Payback,” he says as Jooheon stares wide eyed from behind him.

Kihyun rubs his arm. “That hurts,” he says, but can’t be mad because he did it to Minhyuk first.

Kihyun sets his bouquet down on the vanity and sits down to get his makeup touched up. He admires the flowers under the mirror lights and takes out his phone to take a picture. He holds the note in front of him and ponders who sent them.

“Woah!” Jooheon says from beside him. “Hyung, you got a note?” That makes the other members crowd around Kihyun.

"Jagiya," Hyunwon says. "You got two colors unlike everyone else."

"But Kihyun hyung has a note!" Jooheon says, pouting.

“Why? Didn’t you guys get one too?” Kihyun asks, confused. Jooheon shakes his head. Minhyuk takes the note from Kihyun’s hands. Hyungwon reads it from over his shoulder and Changkyun leans into Minhyuk’s side to see. Jooheon does the same.

Hyungwon cringes as Minhyuk reads the note out loud. Jooheon clutches onto Minhyuk’s arm like he’s experiencing the most amazing spoken word ever and Changkyun giggles and shakes his shoulders back and forth in excitement.

“Wow, Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk says, “looks like someone has a secret admirer.”

Kihyun just rolls his eyes. They start exchanging jokes back and forth about the flowers being from someone they know who is too shy to let their feelings be known. It’s all nonsense, but it makes Kihyun think.

Since Kihyun can’t seem to clean up properly at home, he can just cover it up by introducing flowers into their apartment. If Kihyun ever leaves petals lying around, it wouldn’t be strange or out of place if they had flowers in there all the time.

Fans and companies send them flowers all the time, especially during comeback and their promotional period.

When they shot their Season’s Greetings, Kihyun really liked the baby’s breath he got to pose with so much that he took a bunch of them home with him. When he modeled for a perfume brand, they sent him white daisies. If Kihyun runs with the secret admirer idea, then he can just keep sending himself white roses. That way, there will always be white roses in their apartment.

Kihyun thinks he’s a genius.

-

When they perform for their first music show, Kihyun makes sure to anonymously send a bouquet of flowers to himself.

They get their first win that night and when they return to their dressing room, the flowers are there. The members are surprised and delighted by the flowers, but are shocked to find that they’re just for Kihyun instead of all of them.

Kihyun pretends to be shocked and he starts to question why he decided to do this. He’s a terrible actor and he hates lying to people, especially his members, but he’s already started to dig his own grave so he has to keep going.

Kihyun takes the flowers and Minhyuk is quick to notice that there isn’t a note this time, just a card with his name on it.

“Do you think they’re from the same person?” Jooheon asks. Kihyun just shrugs and hides his face in the flowers, pretending like he’s sniffing them instead of avoiding looking at anyone lest they figure out he’s lying.

“They could be,” Changkyun says, “but they didn’t leave a note this time so how would you know?”

“The wrapping and the card are different from the last one,” Minhyuk says. Kihyun had forgotten how observant he could be when he finds interest in something. Kihyun really didn’t think this through. Kihyun didn’t even think about trying to get the bouquets to match so that it was believable that they were from the same person. Although Kihyun thinks it might be better this way.

Last time, Kihyun had posted a picture with the flowers to fancafe and said that he loves white roses and that he got them as a gift and was thankful. Lots of fans had commented that they would send him some if he liked them so much, but Kihyun made sure to say that it wasn’t necessary and that they should spend money on things for themselves. Kihyun could just make it seem like fans wanted to send them because he said he liked them. It’s not like something like this hasn’t happened before.

Kihyun is relieved to know that he doesn't have to keep up the secret admirer narrative. That would’ve been too much.

The matter of who the flowers are from is dropped and they just assume that fans are just going through a trend of sending Kihyun white roses because of his last fancafe post.

Kihyun takes his flowers home and puts them in a vase on the living room table. When they start to wilt, Kihyun makes sure to order new ones to replace them. And the cycle continues on.

The flowers eventually stop being a topic of interest and Kihyun starts to get more comfortable with his condition when he’s at home because he has the roses to back him up. He starts to become a little more careless.

His confidence that he has been able to fool everyone gets the better of him and just as Kihyun is starting to think he can actually pull this off, his carefully crafted tower of lies begins to topple

Chapter 4: What's Your Secret? (Dirty Little Secrets)

Notes:

I'm not dying yay! The doctor gave me some meds so I'll be right as rain in a couple days!

It feels weird not having written for this fic in a while since I've been adding to it basically every day. I'm excited to get back to it cuz I have so many ideas and I can't wait for you guys to read it!

Stay happy and healthy!

The first person to bring it up is, surprisingly, Hyungwon. Considering the fact that they don't live together and usually only see each other during schedules, he wasn't Kihyun's first guess as to who would suspect something. But that just goes to show how often they hang out with each other outside of work if Hyungwon notices that something is wrong with Kihyun.

Hyungwon brings it up after a photoshoot they have together for a pictorial. They decide to eat together at a barbeque restaurant. They’re sitting across from one another and Hyungwon looks at Kihyun with narrowed eyes. It’s the third time since they sat down that Kihyun has had a coughing fit. Hyungwon clicks his tongue and grabs the pitcher to pour water into Kihyun's glass. When Kihyun emerges from coughing vigorously, Hyungwon practically shoves the glass of water into his face.

Kihyun takes the water and gulps it all down in one go. "Thanks," he says as he sets the glass back on the table. His voice comes out hoarse and Hyungwon raises his eyebrows. Kihyun's always been known to be coughing and clearing his throat. You can always tell when Kihyun is in the room because of these habits, but his voice is always clear.

Even after recording sessions where he would sing the same line 10 times in a row and then continue on with the rest of his lines, his voice never falters. It has never sounded as bad as it did now.

Hyungwon silently observes as Kihyun refills his glass and drinks every last drop like he’s a man left in the desert without water. Hyungwon weighs his options. He's concerned, of course, but doesn't know if asking Kihyun point blank what was wrong with him would be the right approach. He sighs and decides to do it anyway.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks and then picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks and shoves it into his mouth. Kihyun turns to him and squints his eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" he shoots back. Hyungwon just chews on his food and shrugs his shoulders. Kihyun waits for him to swallow before asking, "What do you mean?"

Hyungwon sets his chopsticks down and sighs. He gestures vaguely with his hand.

"You're coughing is ruining my appetite," he says.

"What are you saying?" Kihyun says. "Hey! You've been eating just fine. You literally just ate a piece of meat and I'm ruining your appetite?"

"Yeah," Hyungwon says, unbothered by Kihyun calling him out. "What's with the coughing anyway? Are you getting sick? I'm not eating out with you if you are."

Kihyun quickly realizes what Hyungwon is trying to say. He rolls his eyes and groans. He and Hyungwon have the type of relationship where they bicker and when it comes to things like this, they never say it outright. Although Kihyun usually prefers people being straightforward with him, with Hyungwon it would be weird. The passive aggressive jabs and compliments veiled in insults is a language they understand well.

Kihyun clears his throat. "I'm fine," he says and Hyungwon almost believes him, if only Kiyhun's voice doesn't seemingly disappear at the end of his statement. Kihyun knows that there's no way that Hyungwon doesn't notice, but he still hopes.

The sound of people chatting fills the silence as they find themselves in a staring contest. It's silly, but Kihyun refuses to lose. Eventually, Hyungwon blinks and then proceeds to eat more meat as if nothing happened.

Kihyun lets out a breath, knowing that Hyungwon will let go of the topic. At least for now.

He picks up his chopsticks and eats too. The rest of the night goes on like that and it's not brought up again.

-

Of course that's the least of Kihyun's problems. When Kihyun returns home, neither Minhyuk nor Changkyun are there. Minhyuk has a schedule and Changkyun is working on a new song in his studio.

Unfortunately, as the door shuts behind him, Kihyun starts coughing violently. The itch in his throat has been growing over the past fews days and coughing does little to relieve it. He kicks his shoes off and rushes to the bathroom without bothering to arrange his shoes neatly on the rack. He clutches onto the sink and dry heaves into it.

Nothing comes out. The itch comes and goes, but Kihyun stays in the bathroom. The petals seem to be stuck in his throat and no amount of coughing can dislodge them. Kihyun breaks out into a sweat and he starts to feel dizzy. He sinks to the floor, leaning against the cupboards.

He closes his eyes and falls asleep like that.

He wakes up to the sounds of Minhyuk coming home. It takes him a second to realize that he fell asleep in the bathroom. Startled, he scrambles to his feet and shoves his toothbrush into his mouth to make it seem like he was just getting ready for bed.

Minhyuk greets him as he walks past the bathroom to his room and doesn’t say anything else.

Relieved, Kihyun actually brushes his teeth and goes through his nightly routine.

-

A little bit later, Kihyun is in the kitchen getting some water when Minhyuk comes out of his room to get a snack. This isn’t anything out of the ordinary. They’ve lived together for years, but lately Kihyun has been on edge in fear of being found out.

Kihyun stands at the counter and watches Minhyuk open their cabinet to grab a bag of chips. Kihyun’s hands start to shake and his mouth runs dry. He takes a big gulp of his water.

Minhyuk has been talking about the game he just finished, complaining about how his team was losing so badly and it made him so frustrated. Kihyun isn’t really listening. All he can hear is his heart beating in his ears.

“Hey,” Minhyuk says, “Kihyun. Are you even listening to me?”

Kihyun nods and then drinks more water. Minhyuk stands across from him, looking at him suspiciously.

“What’s up with you?” Minhyuk asks.

“Nothing,” Kihyun says. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed now. Please keep it down.” Kihyun moves around the counter to go back to his room, but Minhyuk follows.

“You’re being weird,” Minhyuk accuses. Kihyun inwardly sighs. He stops in the hallway and turns to face Minhyuk.

“What?”

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed,” Minhyuk says, a smirk on his face. Kihyun starts to panic.

“What are you talking about?” Kihyun tries to keep his voice steady. Minhyuk circles around him like a shark and Kihyun follows his movement with his eyes.

“You know what I’m talking about,” Minhyuk pokes him in the cheek. Kihyun thought he somehow found out about the Hanahaki or even the flowers, but the way he’s acting means that Minhyuk is talking about something completely different. Kihyun has no idea what he’s thinking.

Minhyuk stops in front of him and smiles. “I won’t tell anyone your little secret.” He presses a finger against his lips and then heads back to his room, leaving Kihyun standing in the hall very confused.

“Tell your lover I wanna meet them soon!” Minhyuk shouts before he shuts his door.

Lover?

Kihyun turns around and stares at Minhyuk’s closed door in shock. This isn’t what Kihyun planned, but with Hyungwon suspecting something to accidentally falling asleep in the bathroom to the little mental breakdown he had in the kitchen and now Minhyuk knowing something about Kihyun that he doesn’t, Kihyun’s body starts to move on its own.

Kihyun barges into Minhyuk’s room. Minhyuk starts laughing, knowing that messing with his members like this always results in funny reactions.

“What are you talking about?” Kihyun demands.

“Don’t worry, Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk says, “I won’t say anything.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Kihyun says. “What do you know anyway?” Minhyuk grins.

“Don’t think you’re good at hiding it,” Minhyuk says. “You’ve been acting weird for a month now. Always sneaking off on your own. I know your schedule and you always choose to stay home when you don’t have anything, but lately you haven’t been home, have you?”

Minhyuk is right. Kihyun sticks to his schedule and likes to stay in. He’s a homebody and likes to rest and catch up on any chores when he has time. But lately, Kihyun tries to stay out of their apartment as much as possible to avoid Minhyuk and Changkyun.
He keeps himself busy. Both to hide from his members and to distract himself from his condition.

How Minhyuk knows where he’s been going, Kihyun doesn’t know. He wouldn’t be surprised if Minhyuk had followed him, but what does that say about Kihyun’s self awareness? He should’ve noticed and been more careful.

Kihyun goes to the florist and chats to the sweet old lady behind the counter when he picks up more flowers. He asks her to change up the wrapping and number of roses just to keep things different. He wonders if Minhyuk knows that Kihyun’s been sending himself flowers. But if he did, then surely he would’ve told everyone, called him out on it, and made fun of him when he found out about it.

Kihyun goes to the cafe a few blocks from their apartment building that just opened and he orders something different off the menu each time. Usually one to stick to routine, Kihyun rationalizes that he wants to try everything at least once before he can’t anymore.

Kihyun knows that he’s having a crisis. He’s dying and doesn’t know who he’s dying for. He wants to do as much as he can in what time he has left. He knows he should be figuring out his feelings before jumping to the conclusion that he’s going to die, but Kihyun really has no idea who it could be. And before he figures that out, he’s not even going to think about the surgery.

Minhyuk seems to have caught onto Kihyun’s behavior, but it’s obvious that he’s come to the wrong conclusion.

“That cafe you frequent these days is nice,” Minhyuk says, his eyes glimmering. “Their drinks are pretty.” He grins, “The barista is too.”

Kihyun is both relieved and horrified. On one hand, Minhyuk doesn’t know about his Hanahaki. On the other hand, he thinks Kihyun has a crush on the barista at the cafe.

“No,” Kihyun says. “No no no.” He doesn’t know what else to say, but he needs to shut down Minhyuk’s train of thought.

Minhyuk raises an eyebrow and smirks. “Uh huh, sure.”

Kihyun groans. Minhyuk really is a menace. Kihyun quickly decides that this is fine. Let Minhyuk believe whatever he wants. That will keep him from finding out the truth. And Kihyun finds out that Minhyuk doesn’t know who he’s in love with. He thinks Kihyun has an interest in someone he most definitely doesn’t.

“Stop,” Kihyun says. “I’m not interested in her.”

Minhyuk shrugs, “Okay. Maybe I’m wrong and it’s not her. But I know there’s definitely someone.”

“Just because I go outside lately doesn’t mean I’m in love with someone.” Kihyun says, crossing his arms.

Minhyuk wiggles his eyebrows, “I didn’t say anything about being in love…” Kihyun wants to slap him. “But it’s not just that,” Minhyuk says. “It’s not just lately, but for a while now I’ve noticed that you’ve been keeping to yourself more. You’re more solemn? I don’t know, but you’re pining after someone, I know that for sure.”

Kihyun frowns. He doesn’t know about that. He shakes his head. This is all so confusing. Minhuyk’s not helping. He’s making it worse. Kihyun should’ve known that it would be like this. He really should’ve thought it through before coming in here.

“I’m not pining,” Kihyun says. “And mind your own business.” Kihyun points a finger at Minhyuk and then leaves.

He hears Minhyuk laugh on his way out.

-

The next few nights are restless. Kihyun can only think about what Minhyuk said. He’s pining after someone? Kihyun tries to think if there’s been any change in his mood or mannerisms before he found out about his Hanahaki. Could he really have fallen in love with someone without knowing? And to love someone so much to the extent of getting Hanahaki too?

It seems impossible, but there’s no other explanation.

Kihyun spends days and nights just thinking and thinking and thinking. Their comeback promotions have begun and Kihyun is wearing himself thin. His skin is paler and the bags under his eyes are darker. He’s exhausted all the time and the coughing is getting more frequent and he’s producing more petals each time. It’s getting harder to hide.

Kihyun doesn't know how much longer he can keep up the charade. He almost wants someone to just catch him in the act. Minhyuk or Changkyun could come home and find him coughing up petals and then they would just know. Kihyun wouldn’t have to break the news to them himself.

Kihyun thinks he wouldn’t mind it that much. As much as he wants to figure this out on his own, having his members with him would be better, but Kihyun knows that they’ll have questions that he can’t answer. It’s all too confusing for Kihyun to bring himself to explain it on his own.

So far he thinks that he’s been good enough at hiding. But with Hyungwon noticing his poor condition and Minhyuk thinking he’s going around pining after some stranger, then the other members surely know that something’s up, but have yet to mention it.

Kihyun decides to give himself a deadline. If he can’t figure out his feelings by the time their promotions end, then he’ll just tell them.

He just hopes they don’t catch him before then.

Chapter 5: Who Do You Love? It's (Literally) Killing Me

Summary:

Kihyun finally realizes who he's growing flowers for.

Notes:

Hope you guys like the update! I already have the next chapter written, but after going through this one before posting, I realized that there's more I could add so here I am writing another chapter even though it wasn't planned. This fic just keeps getting longer and longer without an end in sight so I hope y'all stick around!

In the middle of their promotional period, Shownu visits them during their recording for a music show. Although they talk and see him as much as they can, they miss him terribly, especially when they perform.

Kihyun always feels better when Shownu is around. Whenever he feels lost or uncertain, he only needs to look at their calm and strong leader and it eases his heart. But this time Kihyun feels the complete opposite.

With Shownu around, it’s another person Kihyun needs to hide from. Shownu may appear a fool and stoic, but he’s their trusted leader for a reason. He knows all of them the best and Kihyun fears that he’ll take one look at him and he’ll know.

Kihyun tries to act as normal as possible. He chats with Shownu, asking about his work at the daycare. He asks about the kids. Kihyun wants to visit and see Shownu at work, but knows that’s not something he can do.

Kihyun notices that Shownu has not only been keeping up with his workout routine, but he seems to have bulked up a lot more.

“Wow, hyung!” Kihyun exclaims, grabbing onto one of Shownu’s arms with both hands. “You’ve gotten bigger!” Shownu just chuckles as Kihyun compares their arms and squeezes and massages Shownu’s bicep.

Hyungwon wanders over and latches onto Shownu’s other arm. Hyungwon starts flexing.

“Hyung, how am I supposed to catch up to you like this?” Hyungwon says. Kihyun smiles and laughs as Hyungwon tries to make himself look bigger than Shownu.

Hyungwon and Shownu start talking about the gym and working out and Kihyun finds his mind wandering again. He leaves them to talk among themselves. He ends up in front of the camera for MonChannel, talking to one of the staff members about something mundane. Kihyun doesn’t remember what he even says.

The staff move to Jooheon and Minhyuk who are on the other side of the room and Kihyun breathes a sigh of relief. He wants to sleep. He wants to just lay down on the couch, close his eyes, and drift off, but he can’t. He knows that the second he stops standing or moving, then the exhaustion will overtake him.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” Kihyun is startled to find Shownu right next to him. Shownu has an arm wrapped around his shoulders and Kihyun realizes that he’s steadying him because he had begun to sway on his feet.

Kihyun looks over his shoulder to look at Shownu.

“Yeah,” he says, “I’m fine.”

Shownu looks concerned. He’s hesitant to let go of Kihyun, but reluctantly does so. Kihyun doesn’t sway, but Shownu hovers close to him just in case.

“You sure?” Shownu asks. Kihyun nods his head then regrets doing so because his vision starts to swim from the movement.

“Just a bit restless, hyung. Once we get on stage, I’ll be fine.” Kihyun doesn’t know who he’s trying to convince more, Shownu or himself.

Shownu hums and rubs at his chin.

“You know Minhyuk said something interesting,” Shownu says. Kihyun whips around to look at him. Minhyuk and his big mouth. Kihyun swears to cut out his tongue and sew his lips together.

“What’d he say?!” Kihyun exclaims. “That little- I’m gonna kill him.” Kihyun looks around for Minhyuk, but he’s still with Jooheon doing their vlog.

Shownu laughs as he places a hand on Kihyun’s back to reassure him.

“Hey,” Shownu says softly. “He’s just worried about you.”

Kihyun’s eyebrows furrow. “There’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Look, Minhyuk didn’t really say much. I just wanted to say that you can always come to me, okay? Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

Kihyun feels guilty. He knows that he can talk to Shownu about anything, more so than the others because Shownu is such a good listener, but he can’t talk about this. Mostly because he doesn’t have it all figured out yet. He needs to know everything first before he can tell anyone.

Except that’s not all of it.

Kihyun can’t pinpoint what it is about Shownu that’s different, but the thought of him knowing breaks Kihyun’s heart. As their leader, Shownu has had to bear the weight of more than anything that they could imagine. He’s always there and they can always rely on him. Shownu has done so much for them and has fought so hard to keep them together. Kihyun doesn’t want to add to that.

Kihyun almost wants to come clean right then and there, but when he imagines how Shownu will react, it scares him. When he thinks of telling him, Kihyun’s heart constricts and he feels like crying. Kihyun knows the news will hurt him. But for whatever reason, Kihyun’s convinced that telling Shownu will only hurt Kihyun more than it will hurt Shownu. He feels a little selfish, but he needs to protect himself more than anything.

“I’m fine,” Kihyun repeats. He’s been telling that to himself and anyone who asks. He knows he’s lying, but the words had never sounded as empty as they did now.

Before Shownu can say anything, they have to get on stage.

-

After the recording, Kihyun is ready to collapse and fall into a deep sleep. They’ll have to return for the actual award show later, but Kihyun can’t even think about that. He’s counting down the minutes until he can reunite with his bed.

When they return to the dressing room, Shownu is still there.

“Shownu hyung!” Jooheon exclaims and goes to hug him. They all gather around him. Shownu smiles and tells them that they did a good job and that he’s proud. The words make Kihyun’s heart swell and his face breaks into a big smile. He often gets shy when others tell him he does a good job, but with Shownu, Kihyun only wants to hear him say it over and over again.

“Hey, Kihyunie got another bouquet,” Minhyuk says after they’ve separated to change and collect their things.

The roses are in a vase this time and sitting on one of the vanity tables. Kihyun walks over to Minhyuk to admire the roses. Kihyun thinks that the florist has really outdone herself this time with the arrangement. Kihyun has been sending them wrapped up, but the last time he put in an order, the florist suggested a vase and Kihyun accepted. He was stunned by how much better it looked when it wasn’t just roses that he threw into the vase they have at home. Kihyun didn’t even have to pretend to be surprised by the flowers this time.

Everyone gathers around again to tease Kihyun. The secret admirer joke has become a running gag even though they’re all accepted that it was just sent by fans.

Shownu looks bewildered.

“Who’s sending you flowers, Kihyun-ah?” he asks. There’s something strange about the way that he asks. Not out of curiosity, but something else that Kihyun can’t place. Before Kihyun can answer, Minhyuk’s already telling him.

“Kihyunie’s got a secret admirer, hyung!” he says with a grin. Kihyun huffs and crosses his arms.

“Oh?” Shownu says. He raises his eyebrows and then looks at Kihyun and smiles, but his lips twitch. It’s odd. Kihyun thinks Shownu looks a bit like he might be ill.

Kihyun smacks Minhyuk in the arm. “He’s just joking, hyung. Monbebes keep sending them to me because I said that I liked them.”

“Oh,” Shownu says again, but this time he seems much more relaxed. He smiles, his eyes turning into crescent moons. Kihyun smiles back at him until his cheeks hurt. But the smile quickly fades when he feels that irritating tickle in his throat. Of course Shownu notices. He’s looking right at him.

Kihyun coughs and makes an excuse to go get water.

“There’s water right here though,” Changkyun says, who holds out a bottle, but Kihyun is already gone.

Kihyun runs off to the bathroom. Do not follow me, Kihyun begs in his mind.

Thankfully Kihyun ends up in a single bathroom. He makes sure to lock the door and then he’s coughing into the sink. Petals burst past his lips and fall in clumps. Kihyun grabs onto the sides of the sink. His legs suddenly feel like jelly. His forehead breaks out into a sweat and Kihyun feels lightheaded. He clenches his eyes shut, willing himself to at least be conscious enough to make it back home.

Kihyun thinks about Shownu. He clearly knows something is up with him. He just hopes the others will keep him busy enough not to come after him.

At that thought, Kihyun feels the petals coming up his throat again. The flowers are quite persistent tonight. Kihyun usually purges them once each time, but it takes several times before Kihyun feels like he’s gotten them all out.

Kihyun gathers the petals out of the sink with some paper towels and throws them into the trash. He washes his hands and then splashes his face with cold water. As he stares into his reflection, Kihyun grimaces. He really doesn’t look good.

Kihyun shuts off the water, wipes his face, and then makes his way back to the dressing room.

The others are taking turns changing out of their stage outfits so Kihyun starts gathering his things. He looks around the room and doesn’t see Shownu. Maybe he went home. Kihyun breathes out in relief.

“Looking for me?” Shownu says from behind him. Startled, Kihyun jumps. He puts a hand over his heart.

“Hyung!” he shouts. Shownu is standing rather close to him. Kihyun is surprised he didn’t hear or feel him there.

Shownu chuckles and Kihyun rolls his eyes. Kihyun rummages through his bag, pretending to look for something to avoid looking at Shownu.

Shownu doesn’t seem to mind. He takes a chair and sits down near him. Kihyun can feel his gaze and it makes him sweat. Eventually Kihyun gives up. He stops going through his bag and sighs.

“What do you want, hyung?” Kihyun asks. Shownu just shrugs.

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

Kihyun feels the urge to run away, but he doesn’t. Kihyun finally looks up at Shownu.

“Nothing’s wrong. How many times do I have to say that I’m fine for you to leave me alone?”

“As many times as it takes for it to be true,” Shownu states. Kihyun hates how Shownu can be so patient all the time. He always knows what to say too. Usually, Kihyun is comforted by it, but right now it just makes him frustrated. He just wants to be left alone.

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says softly. It’s sudden and abrupt, but it makes Kihyun want to cry. He looks away and takes note of what everyone else is doing. He needs something to ground him. No one seems to take any interest in their conversation. Jooheon and Changkyun have already changed into their street clothes and are talking to each other. Minhyuk and Hyungwon are probably in the other room changing. Kihyun looks everywhere except for at Shownu.

His eyes begin to sting and Kihyun refuses to blink until he’s sure he won’t cry.

Kihyun feels like he’s been still for too long. His clothes start to feel like they’re suffocating him so he starts moving. He sees Hyungwon come out from the other room and makes his way over so that he can get out of stage outfit. He bumps into Minhyuk on his way in.

“Hey!” Minhyuk says, but Kihyun just keeps going.

Kihyun is finally alone. His hands are shaking so unbuttoning his jacket becomes a struggle. His eyes start to sting and he pulls desperately at his clothes. He manages to change, but he can’t stop himself from crying.

Kihyun doesn’t know what’s going on with him. He’s been so good at keeping himself together around the others, but suddenly with Shownu there it’s like he has no control over himself.

Kihyun sinks to the floor and takes a moment to breathe. He buries his face in his hands and takes in shaky breaths.

Come on, Kihyun. He thinks. Get yourself together.

Someone comes into the room and crouches down next to him. Kihyun hopes that it’s not Shownu. They pull him into a hug and Kihyun knows who it is immediately. Kihyun pushes them away, but it’s futile. Kihyun could never make Shownu budge even on his best days. He starts punching him in an effort to make him go away.

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says. “It’s okay.” No, Kihyun thinks, It’s not. “You don’t have to say anything, alright? But you don’t have to run away and hide by yourself and cry, you know that? I won’t ask anymore. But if you need someone, then I’m here. We’re all here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Kihyun stops punching him and clenches at Shownu’s shirt. Shownu doesn’t understand anything at all. Kihyun is alone. This isn’t a burden he can share. No amount of hugs or “it’s okay”s will make it better. Kihyun has Hanahaki and it’s not something they can carry together.

Kihyun shakes his head. His hair gets messed up from being pressed against Shownu’s chest. Shownu strokes his hair to fix it and pats his head. Kihyun closes his eyes and lets himself be comforted by Shownu’s embrace. The tears stop falling.

Kihyun isn’t big on hugs. He’s especially not big on cuddles, but being here in Shownu’s arms, Kihyun finds that he rather likes it. Kihyun is discovering a lot about himself lately. It makes him dizzy to think about it.

Kihyun breathes in deeply. Shownu smells nice and it’s the first time that Kihyun realizes that he misses his scent. Shownu still smells like a blanket to Kihyun. He knows it’s a weird description, but Kihyun loves blankets. Blankets hold onto scents really well. Kihyun likes the smell of detergent and dryer sheets mixed with the smell of shampoo. He likes things that smell clean and comforting. Shownu is like that. And when it’s cold, he loves to bury himself in blankets. It’s warm and makes him feel happy. Being hugged by Shownu feels the same. It makes him feel safe.

Kihyun stops clinging onto Shownu’s shirt and finally returns the hug. Shownu pulls him closer. Kihyun can feel Shownu’s breath against his neck and Kihyun starts to feel warmer.

Kihyun misses this. It’s strange because they’ve never held each other like this before. How can you miss something you’ve never had? Kihyun thinks.

It’s then that it hits him. He doesn’t miss this. Kihyun longs for this. He suddenly realizes that this is something that he's always wanted. He just never knew. He wants to be held and cuddled and comforted by Shownu.

Kihyun wants Shownu.

The realization sends a shock through his mind. He feels much more awake now. He pushes Shownu away and Shownu lets him this time. Kihyun hastily gets up to his feet. Shownu reaches out to help, but Kihyun shies away. He clears his throat suddenly feeling parched. The itch in his throat seems to taunt him.

“Thanks,” Kihyun says. The air in the room grows hot and suffocating. There’s a tension there that wasn’t before. Kihyun wipes his face with the ends of his sleeves hoping it will erase his tear tracks. He knows his eyes are swollen and his nose is red, but what else can he do?

Shownu doesn’t say anything and just stands there with concerned eyes as Kihyun straightens out his hair and his clothes.

“We should go,” Kihyun says and leaves without looking at Shownu again. He walks out of the room with Shownu right behind him. Kihyun keeps his head down and avoids looking at anyone.

Without his knowledge, Shownu is making sure that the other members stop looking at Kihyun. Obviously they noticed, but Shownu is quick to let them know through vague hand gestures to leave him be.

-

Kihyun isn’t sure how he gets home after that. It’s all a blur to him. His brain is too preoccupied with processing that he’s in love with Shownu.

I’m in love with Shownu.

The thought is so ridiculous it makes Kihyun laugh.

I’m in love with Shownu.

This time, the thought makes Kihyun want to cry.

I’m in love with Shownu.

The third time he runs the thought over, Kihyun’s lungs constrict, his throat itches, and then he’s coughing up petals again.

Kihyun knows that the growth of flowers and symptoms of Hanahaki can be triggered by a person’s thoughts and feelings about their love. Earlier, when Shownu had looked at him after saying how proud he was, Kihyun could feel the petals in his throat. When he thought about Shownu coming after him in the bathroom, he coughed up more petals. And when he thought of Shownu just now, the same thing happened.

Kihyun’s mind starts racing. For some reason, he thinks about the time that he had to say something lovely about Shownu during a live concert. Kihyun hadn’t even considered how strange it was and didn’t think twice about it afterward, but now he realizes how stupidly in love he was back then.

“Shownu is loveliest when he works out, takes off his shirt, looks at me, and smiles.”

Thinking about it now, Kihyun remembers feeling giddy that he had Shownu’s attention like that. He had smiled so hard back at him.

Kihyun has always admired Shownu. Even back during No Mercy Kihyun was a Shownu fanboy, even though they were sort of rivals. Kihyun thinks rivals have to have some kind of appreciation for each other in order to see the other as a worthy opponent.

Kihyun remembers the first time he saw Shownu. It was in the practice room. He was on his own, earbuds in, dancing in the corner. Kihyun had thought that he was their dance instructor.

It’s a buried memory that Kihyun hadn’t thought about in years, but he remembers being so shocked at how beautiful Shownu looked when he danced that he stared in awe. Kihyun had never seen anyone dance like that before. He just thought that he was impressed. Looking back, Kihyun realizes he was totally checking him out.

The thought makes Kihyun panic. Had he been in love with Shownu for that long? When did it start?

Kihyun remembers hearing Shownu sing for the first time. Hearing his voice gave Kihyun goosebumps and he couldn’t stop thinking about him. But the only thing on his mind back then was the competition so Kihyun had felt a bit threatened by Shownu being a fellow trainee. With that voice and his dancing, Kihyun wasn’t a match for him. But it only made him try harder.

Kihyun knows he loved Shownu’s voice the moment he heard him sing, but did he love Shownu then too?

Something triggers all these memories to be unlocked. Thoughts and feelings that crossed Kihyun’s mind that he never gave the time of day. It’s only natural that Kihyun loves and admires one of his group members and especially their leader.

Kihyun has stated over and over again that Shownu is his favorite member even though he loves them all. Kihyun never stopped to think about why it was different when it came to Shownu. He feels so stupid now.

So maybe he’s thought about holding onto Shownu a little longer when they hug. So maybe he’s thought about holding his hand and never letting go. So maybe he’s actually thought about years down the road that they would be living together and growing old together. Kihyun never really thought about how he’s never imagined them having significant others when he imagines them with gray hair.

Kihyun remembers Shownu posting the photo of Kihyun giving him a piggyback ride and captioning it with “I hope you give me piggybacks even when we're 80.” It was so natural to Kihyun that they’d always be together. They’re a family. Kihyun just didn’t realize that it was different with Shownu than it was with the others.

As Kihyun stays hunched over the side of his bed, a pile of sticky petals on the floor, he finally comes to terms with who he’s growing flowers for.

Oh no, Kihyun thinks. I’m in love with Shownu.

Chapter 6: How To Get R.I.D Of These Feelings: Run, Ignore, Deny

Notes:

So I did end up adding a new chapter, which is this one, to the story. That's why the update is later than I intended because I had to write it lol. Hope y'all enjoy!

When Kihyun wakes up the next day, he forgets about his revelation until he sees the pile of petals beside his bed. It triggers his memory of the night before and Kihyun just wants to get back in bed, close his eyes, and pretend like nothing happened.

He hesitates to leave his room, not wanting to face reality. He sighs heavily and pushes himself out of bed. He cracks open his door slightly and peeks out into the hall. Across from his room is the bathroom and he can see that no one is in it. He listens for any movement in the living room and kitchen, but hears nothing.

He makes his way to the kitchen to grab a plastic bag and some paper towels to clean up the mess in his room. He opens the cabinet below the sink, takes what he needs, and when he turns around, Changkyun is there.

Kihyun throws the roll of paper towels at him in surprise. It hits him in the chest, but Changkyun doesn’t move. The roll falls and begins to unravel across the floor.

“Ya! Changkyun-ah! I didn’t hear you,” Kihyun says.

“What are you doing?” Changkyun asks, unbothered. Kihyun starts to sweat. His eyes shift to behind Changkyun to check if he had closed his room door or not. Thankfully, he did close it so Changkyun couldn’t have seen the petals. He looks back at Changkyun.

“Just cleaning,” Kihyun finally responds, holding up the plastic bag as if that explains everything.

Changkyun just looks at him for a moment and the silence seems to stretch on forever.

“Okay,” Changkyun says. He picks up the paper towels from the floor and hands it over to Kihyun, who takes it and clumsily tries to roll it back up. He can feel Changkyun watching him and it makes him uneasy. The paper towels won’t cooperate so he just bunches them up and hugs them against his chest.

“Thanks,” Kihyun says and then scurries off to his room. He makes sure to shut the door and clean up the petals as efficiently as possible. He uses the paper towels to sweep them into the bag. They’ve dried up overnight so it leaves some dust and residue on the floor. Kihyun sighs, reprimanding himself for forgetting to get the spray bottle of disinfectant when he was in the kitchen.

He looks around his room and finds his hand sanitizer. He thinks that’ll work for now. He wipes up the remaining mess with the hand sanitizer and throws the paper towels into the bag. He ties it up and casually makes his way back into the kitchen where Changkyun is eating his breakfast. He avoids eye contact, not that Changkyun is even looking since he’s scrolling through his phone, and tosses the bag into their trash can.

He heads to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Kihyun cringes at how terrible he looks. His eyes are swollen from crying last night and his skin is so pale that it looks a bit green. Kihyun groans as he tries his best to cover it up with makeup.

When he is satisfied that he no longer looks like he’s sad and dying, Kihyun goes back to his room to change. Thankfully he doesn’t have a photoshoot today and is just going to the recording studio.

When he leaves, Changkyun isn’t in the kitchen anymore. Kihyun takes the trash out with him and shouts out to Changkyun that he’s leaving. He doesn’t hear a response, but assumes he heard him anyway.

-

Kihyun is in the recording studio alone. He’s recording a new cover for monbebe, but he isn’t making any progress. He isn’t in the best condition so every take leaves Kihyun more and more frustrated with himself.

It doesn’t help that he chose a love song either. Kihyun was hoping to hide away by himself and forget about his problems, but singing a love song is only making it worse.

When Kihyun sings, he likes to immerse himself into the song and really take in the lyrics as if they are his own. He tries to evoke the emotions that the song is trying to convey and really feel them. Singing a song about loving someone so much that it hurts hits too close to home for him to get through the song without coughing up petals and having an emotional breakdown.

After the seventh failed take, Kihyun gives up. He sits down and tries to clear his mind. He closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. He inhales deeply and then exhales, feeling his lungs expand and contract.

For a moment, everything fades away. Kihyun isn’t in the recording studio. He doesn’t have dance practice later. He’s not a singer. He’s not a dancer. He’s not an idol. He’s just Kihyun.

Not Monsta X Kihyun. Not soloist Kihyun. Just Kihyun.

Kihyun who is in love.

Kihyun’s eyes shoot open, the spell broken.

He wishes that it could be that easy. He wishes that he could just exist as a person in love. In love with his best friend - isn’t that what people dream of? Kihyun knows that this isn’t fiction. That this is his reality, but he can’t accept it. He won’t accept. He can’t. Because if he does then everything he knows, his entire life, will just come crashing down on him.

Kihyun has Hanahaki. He’s dying. All because he’s in love with Shownu. It all seems impossible to him and yet that is what is happening.

Kihyun shakes his head desperately trying to rid himself of these thoughts. He gets up and starts pacing. He needs to move as if he can physically run from his own thoughts. He starts jumping up and down and doing push ups to keep himself distracted. Kihyun is always able to stop overthinking when he’s working out, but it doesn’t work this time.

Frustrated, Kihyun decides to pack up his things and head to the dance practice room even though he’s supposed to go to practice with the others later. The room is starting to close in on him and he needs to get out and get rid of all this jittery energy.

Kihyun enters the practice room and connects his phone to the speakers. He plays their new song and starts dancing. He’s working on perfecting a move, but he keeps messing up because of how much he’s thinking about Shownu. He turns the volume up to the point where his ears feel like they’ll explode and he can feel the beats vibrate through the floor. He dances and dances, but he can’t get him out of his head.

When he moves to the beat, he just thinks about Shownu’s advice on how to put more power in his arms. He thinks about how patient Shownu is and how much he admires him. Somehow every train of thought just leads him back to the fact that he’s in love with Shownu.

Kihyun yells out in frustration. He can’t do this. The new song is something he’s still learning. He needs to dance to something he could dance to in his sleep. He scrolls through his playlist until he finds the right song. He wants to let the music take over him until he can no longer hear himself think as if he is possessed.

There’s only one song that Kihyun can dance to exhaustion and it’s Fantasia. He hits play on his phone and turns the volume up even higher.

Kihyun dances the whole song through and although he’s tired, his mind is still racing. When he looks in the mirror, he sees the members dancing along with him in their formation. He sees Shownu and that’s the last person that he wants to be thinking about.

Kihyun restarts the song and tries to focus only on himself. Dancing Fantasia the second time is so much harder and Kihyun refuses to mess up. It’s that laser focus that helps Kihyun clear his mind. The image of the members in the mirror fades away and he can only see himself.

The music pounds in his ears and his chest and when his solo part comes, Kihyun belts out the lyrics as loud as he can. He gets through the rest of the song and lies down on the floor. His shirt is soaked with sweat and his hair is sticking to his forehead.

Kihyun crawls over to his bag where he wipes off his sweat with a towel and drinks some water. He leans against the wall and looks at himself in the mirror across the room. It only reminds him of another practice session with Shownu. Kihyun shakes his head and slaps himself in the face.

Stop thinking about him.

It seems like Kihyun hasn’t danced enough if he still can’t get Shownu out of his head. He thinks that it might just be impossible. There isn’t a moment, not even a second, where Kihyun doesn’t think about his members. They’ve integrated into each other’s lives in every aspect. Dancing to their song probably isn’t the best choice to stop thinking about them, but everything that Kihyun does leads back to them, which leads back to him. Which leads back to why Kihyun is even here in the first place.

Suddenly determined, Kihyun pushes himself to his feet and although his legs protest, Kihyun walks over to restart the song.

He doesn’t make it through the whole song. When the bridge comes and the choreo has them crouched on the floor, Kihyun’s legs refuse to work. He falls to the floor too tired to move. Kihyun stares up at the ceiling. The lights are blinding, causing him to feel a little lightheaded. He closes his eyes and the last thing he thinks about before he falls asleep is Shownu.

-

Kihyun is lying in a field of flowers. Tall, green stems lead to white roses. The sky is a vibrant blue, not a cloud in sight and the sun is shining bright. Kihyun watches as the birds fly by and butterflies circle around the flowers. He closes his eyes, feeling the sun on his skin.

When he opens his eyes, it’s dark. The sun is gone and the sky is no longer blue. It’s pitch black. Confused, Kihyun sits up. Looking around he can’t see anything. He reaches out with a hand only to pull back in pain. He touched something sharp.

Kihyun cradles his hand against his chest and looks around, too afraid to move anymore. He looks back at the sky to find that it’s fading into a red color. The color grows brighter yet deeper and Kihyun recoils at how much it looks like blood.

The sky bleeds until it starts to rain. Kihyun can see the flowers now. They’ve grown taller and thicker, sharp thorns protruding from the sides. Kihyun watches in horror as the once white roses become drenched with blood until they’re completely red.

That’s when the strong scent of blood overtakes him. Kihyun pinches his nose but he can still smell it just as strongly. Kihyun gags and then next thing he knows, he’s throwing up. It’s painful so he clenches his eyes as he vomits. When he opens his eyes this time, the world around him has reset. The field is a luscious green, the flowers are white, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining. The only difference is that Kihyun has thrown up blood stained flowers.

The sight of the flowers causes Kihyun to panic. His whole body begins to shake and he knows that he’s dreaming now. He slaps himself to try and wake himself up, but to no avail. The pile of blood soaked flowers seems to grow and Kihyun recoils in shock.

It grows and grows and grows until he’s consumed by them. Kihyun returns to a world of darkness and that’s when he wakes up.

The lights in the practice room are off. They’re on a timer and if they don’t detect any motion over an hour, they automatically shut off. At first, Kihyun thinks he’s still stuck in his dream. He pinches himself in the arm and yelps when it hurts. Still wary because it could be a case of inception, Kihyun sits up and waves his arms around, trying to trigger the lights to turn on.

The lights illuminate the room and Kihyun takes note of the room. Everything looks the same as it was before. He’s not in the field of flowers and there’s no blood to be found. Still shaken, Kihyun carefully stands up and goes to check his phone. His eyes widen when he sees that it’s already late afternoon.

He went to the studio around 9 that morning, gave up about an hour in, and he only danced for about an hour, which means that he’s been asleep for about 4 hours. At that moment, Kihyun’s stomach growls and he realizes that he hasn't eaten anything yet. He needs to be back in the studio for group practice in a few hours so he decides to just grab something to eat nearby.

He takes one look at himself and realizes that he’s not presentable in the slightest. He had not only sweat through his shirt due to his manic dancing episode, but he had also slept on the floor that was drenched in sweat.

He hadn’t planned on going to the dance studio so he didn’t bring a change of clothes. Kihyun pries his shirt off and wears his hoodie instead. He thinks that’ll be fine and cleans up the studio before heading out to get some food.

-

Kihyun ends up at the cafe next to the flower shop that he’s been frequenting. He’s greeted by the same barista. Kihyun remembers what Minhyuk had said to him. As she places his order, Kihyun really looks at her for the first time. She’s pretty and when she hands him his receipt, Kihyun thinks she looks cute when her eyes scrunch up when she smiles, but it’s nothing in comparison to how lovable Shownu looks when he smiles and his eyes form crescent moons.

Kihyun mentally slaps himself. Stop thinking about Shownu.

“Um, excuse me,” the barista says. Kihyun had just been staring off into space.

“Oh, sorry,” he says. He takes his receipt and his card, thanks her and sits down at the table in the corner of the cafe that he always sits at. From there, he can see the whole cafe. The table is next to a large window that overlooks the street and is across from the entrance. He can see the register and the employees making the food and drinks behind the counter.

Kihyun looks at the barista again only to meet her eyes. She looks away immediately and Kihyun realizes his mistake. Maybe frequenting a place as often as he does isn’t a good idea. As an idol, he shouldn’t be doing that anywhere because then people would loiter around just to try to get a glimpse of him. But after the first few times, Kihyun had no problem with any of the patrons or the staff. He wasn’t even sure they recognized him. No one ever asked about who he was or asked for a photo or a sign so Kihyun felt safe and comfortable coming back again and again.

Whether or not she knew who he was, it was clear to Kihyun now that she was showing interest in him. Kihyun shakes his head, disappointed in himself that he never noticed. He probably has been leading her on by coming back as often as he does. Honestly now that he thinks about it, she’s always at the register when he comes in and she’s always the one to bring him his order. He hadn’t thought it odd before since she’s just doing her job, but as he observes the other workers, he realizes that they don’t even go near him because he’s become her regular.

Kihyun tries not to read too much into it. She could just be a fan who is too shy to ever say anything to him directly. If she never says anything then it’s not a problem.

Kihyun thinks maybe he’s projecting a little bit here. If he never says anything about his feelings then it’s not a problem. He’s dying because of it, sure, but that’s not a problem. At least that’s what he tells himself.

He’s shaken out of his thoughts when she brings him his order. She sets down the tray and Kihyun notices that there’s a pastry that he didn’t order.

“Sorry, but I didn’t order this,” Kihyun says.

The girl smiles and says, “It’s on the house!”

Kihyun’s eyes widen. “Oh no that’s not necessary,” he says. “Please take it back.”

“No, I insist. Besides, it’s a store policy that we toss anything that goes back to the kitchen. It would be a waste.”

“Then let me pay for it,” Kihyun says, taking out his wallet.

“No no no,” she says. “Please, you come in here all the time. Take it as a thank you for being a returning customer. Don’t think of it as anything else.”

Reluctantly, Kihyun agrees. “Alright,” he says. She smiles and nods and then goes back behind the counter.

Kihyun isn’t sure what to make of it. Telling him to not think about it as anything else makes Kihyun think that she thinks that he thinks that she’s interested in him and she’s trying to tell him that she’s not. Or maybe that’s just what Kihyun wants it to mean. Either way, Kihyun doesn’t want to be thinking about her or anyone for that matter.

He likes the food and the atmosphere here. He’s not going to let anything deter him from enjoying his meal. He takes a picture to show monbebe later and starts to eat. After the first bite, Kihyun realizes how hungry he is. He consumes every last crumb and sips every last drop of his drink.

Having satisfied his stomach, Kihyun cleans up his table and leaves the cafe. He walks past the flower shop where the woman working there is setting up a display in front. Kihyun stops to say hello and gives her a hand with the buckets of flowers.

“Ah, Kihyun-ssi! You don’t have to do that.” she says.

“It’s no problem at all,” he replies as he lifts a bucket to place on the shelf.

“Thank you,” she says. “Really you are such a sweet boy.”

Kihyun blushes, waving off her compliment. “No, I’m just doing what anyone else would.” The woman frowns. She shakes her head and clicks her tongue in disapproval.

“No,” she says. “You see how many people walk by here?” She gestures to the sidewalk where people are walking by without a glance. “No one stops to help. Just you.”

Kihyun rubs a hand on the back of his neck and looks down at his feet in embarrassment.

“It’s nothing,” he says. She lightly pushes him in the shoulder and berates him for being so humble.

“Wait here,” she says and goes back into the shop. She comes back with a bouquet of white roses, just like the ones he keeps sending himself to hide the fact that he’s coughing up white roses petals. Because he’s in love with Shownu. Kihyun’s throat begins to tickle and he coughs into his hand. A couple come out and he scrunches them up and shoves them into his pocket.

“You seem to really like these,” she says, holding the bouquet out toward him. “Take these as a gift.”

Kihyun shakes his head. “No, I can’t accept these. Let me pay for them.”
“Noooo,” she says. “You are my most loyal customer and you are so sweet, helping me whenever you’re here. Your parents did such a good job raising you. If you won’t accept them yourself, then consider it a gift to your parents.”

Well Kihyun can’t refuse now. That would be an insult to his parents, so he hesitantly accepts them. He makes a mental note to waste no expense the next time he orders more flowers from her.

“Thank you so much,” he says and gives a deep bow.

“Aigoo, so polite.” She smiles and waves him off as he leaves to make it back to the studio.

He doesn’t even think about what he should do with the flowers since he’s running late. He doesn’t want to pay the fee so he sprints his way back to the dance studio. He manages to make it back with a minute to spare.

“Damn it,” Minhyuk says, seeing Kihyun at the door. “We all thought you were going to be late.”

Kihyun leans against the door frame and lets out a breathy laugh.

“Well I made it,” he says. He looks up and takes a head count. Everyone is there, getting ready for practice and stretching.

“You got more flowers?” Changkyun asks. Kihyun looks at the bouquet in his hand like he’s never seen them before. He had completely forgotten about them in his rush to get to practice.

“Oh, I helped the flower shop owner on my way over here and she gave them to me,” Kihyun says, walking into the room and placing his bag on the floor and the bouquet on top. Minhyuk wanders over to him a glint in his eye.

“Hmmm, interesting…” Minhyuk says.

“What?” Kihyun says a bit confused and annoyed.

“They look just like the ones you keep receiving. Looks like your secret admirer has been ordering from that shop. Or the flower shop owner is your secret admirer.”

Kihyun knows Minhyuk is just kidding, but by revealing that the flowers are coming from the same place makes the whole situation more suspicious.

“Wait, hyung,” Changkyun says. “If they’re coming from the same place, then they really are coming from the same person…are you sure it’s not from a stalker?”

That never crossed Kihyun’s mind and it seems like none of them seemed to think about it before either.

“That’s a good point,” Minhyuk says. “You should be careful, Kihyun. Accepting those flowers could make them think that you’re in love with them.”

Suddenly, the atmosphere grows serious. When talking about the potential of sasaengs, it’s never a light conversation. Kihyun isn’t sure what to say. He knows that that isn’t the case since he’s been sending them to himself, but from the others’ points of view it very well could be something like that. Kihyun tries to think of a way to redirect the conversation.

“You don’t know that for sure,” he says, “fans can be arranging to send them as a collective and the person handling it could just be sending them from the same shop.” In his head, Kihyun gives himself a pat on the back for coming up with that response. “You know…like how they funded the personal mics and stuff like that.”

Kihyun sees Jooheon nod, considering the narrative that Kihyun is trying to write, but Minhyuk still looks skeptical. He clicks his tongue and leans his head to the side.

“But I didn’t see any fan projects like that…”

Kihyun forgets that Minhyuk knows everything happening in their fandom. Kihyun can never seem to keep up the way that Minhyuk does. There’s always thousands of things happening at once, but somehow Minhyuk knows it all.

“That’s because it’s about Kihyun,” Hyungwon pipes up from the floor where he’s been stretching. Minhyuk laughs in response and Kihyun feels the tension leave his body. When someone starts cracking jokes then the subject at hand will always be dropped.

Minhyuk proceeds to talk about something he saw on twitter and Jooheon adds that he saw the same thing. Kihyun is too busy being relieved to really pay attention to what they’re saying. Changkyun stays quiet, observing Kihyun because he knows that there’s something not quite right about all of this.

They get on with practice. After dancing to Fantasia so many times, Kihyun is off on his timing. He lags behind the others and keeps messing up. Jooheon keeps the energy high and Kihyun is thankful because if they all started to get frustrated with him, he doesn’t know how he’ll react. The last thing he wants is to blow up at them, especially when he wouldn’t even know how to apologize since he can’t tell them what’s really going on with him.

Practice ends relatively well, considering the circumstances, and Kihyun takes it as a win for today.

It’s not until he’s home, getting ready for bed, that he realizes that throughout practice he hadn’t thought about Shownu at all. Earlier, when he had tried to practice alone, it was so hard for him, but at practice with everyone else, he didn’t even notice. The difference was that he had the other members to distract him. Kihyun thinks that it’s a blessing that their schedules are full of group activities for the foreseeable future. That just means he can focus on what he has to do. No room for anything else. He can keep running, ignoring, and denying the truth.

At least that’s what he tells himself.

Chapter 7: There’s Only A Two Letter Difference Between Obvious and Oblivious

Notes:

I haven't written anything in like forever because I've been busy with work, but thought I should give you this update anyway. It's shorter than other chapters, but I hope you like it!

No matter how hard Kihyun tries to distract himself and stop thinking about Shownu, he just can’t. Over the course of the next week, Kihyun’s brain brings up seemingly random moments over the years that reveal his feelings for Shownu. Kihyun has no idea how he couldn’t have realized it before.

Kihyun is eating chicken when he remembers feeling so happy when Shownu would mention him during his Om Nom Nom Nom show. He’s especially fond of the time he called him and referred to him as Kiki. Kihyun remembers now how much that made him blush and smile. The memory makes him lose his appetite and he coughs up more petals.

Kihyun is in the kitchen when he remembers the first Cook Cook live he did with Shownu. It was for his birthday and when Kihyun had thrown the meat into the pan and the oil began to splash and Shownu had hugged him to “protect” him, Kihyun had felt so happy. And when Kihyun called his mom and Shownu chatted with her, Kihyun realized that he liked how domestic it was. Kihyun never finishes cooking that night and ends up taking out the trash even though it’s not full, only full of petals.

Kihyun is in the middle of an interview when he’s asked who he’d like to collaborate with. Kihyun immediately thinks of Shownu. Afterwards, he thinks about how he has always wanted to do a subunit stage or a collaboration with Shownu. It didn’t even need to be anything official. It could be a cover and Kihyun would be happy. Every time Kihyun requests it, it never comes to fruition. When Kihyun thinks of doing a duet with Shownu, his stomach erupts with butterflies, but then his lungs make him cough up petals.

Kihyun rarely thinks back to their No Mercy days. Although there are moments in between that they cherish, it’s tainted by how terrible the rest of it was. Kihyun is looking through old photos to share for their next TMT episode when he comes across a photo of him and Shownu from No Mercy. Kihyun can’t quite remember when or why it was taken. Kihyun doesn’t know who took the photo nor does he remember where he got it from, but it’s of the two of them standing next to each other. Shownu is looking off to the side and Kihyun is looking at Shownu. Kihyun has a big smile on his face. Kihyun thinks he looks like he’s in love. Kihyun forgets about the photo he needed and coughs up petals in the toilet.

Kihyun isn’t doing anything in particular when the memory of each of the members giving Shownu a lap dance arises. Kihyun would rather not remember that, but his brain reminds him of it anyway. Kihyun remembers feeling bummed out that he couldn’t raise Shownu’s heart rate. Kihyun really hates to lose, after all. But as Kihyun thinks about it more, he realizes that he was actually really sad that he didn’t have much of an effect on Shownu. Kihyun frowns at that thought. Kihyun is always so quick to compliment Shownu, praise him, and tell him how handsome he is, but for the first time, Kihyun starts to question if Shownu thinks the same of him. The thought triggers Kihyun to cough up more petals.

Kihyun’s responding to letters on fancafe when he remembers Shownu’s Monbebe Vlog. He left messages for each of them on there. Kihyun only found out about it after the vlog was uploaded to their channel. He remembers getting nervously excited to get home and find the letter. He watched the vlog and laughed so hard when Shownu kept pulling Kihyun inclusions in his albums. When Kihyun got to the part where Shownu wrote the letter to him, he couldn’t stop gushing over how cute Shownu looked. Shownu blushed and wrote “I love you” to him and Kihyun was elated. Kihyun noticed that Shownu only wrote “I love you” to him and even said that it would be weird if he said it to Hyungwon. Kihyun treasured that letter and kept it close to his heart. Remembering that now, Kihyun wants to go back in time and smack himself for not realizing it then. Kihyun coughs and his pillow gets covered with petals.

Kihyun is watching the latest episode of The Masked Singer when he remembers when Shownu was on it. When he didn’t make it to the next round and had to unmask himself, they asked him if Kihyun had given Shownu any advice. Kihyun remembers how nervous Shownu was to go on the show. When people looked at Shownu, they would think that he’s a rapper, not a singer. Before he was known as a vocalist, he was known as a dancer. Shownu jumped at the chance to be on the show to prove that appearances didn’t matter and that people's assumptions only fed into stereotypes. It was the first time Kihyun realized that Shownu and Jooheon were similar in that way.

When people look at Jooheon, they would think that he’s a scary rapper, when he’s actually the sweetest and most loving person. Kihyun remembers reassuring Shownu that he would be amazing. When Shownu looked at him with such a soft and vulnerable smile, Kihyun’s heart melted. And when Shownu said that he was coming home early and asked him to have dinner on live television, it was like Shownu was coming home to him. The domesticity of it made Kihyun’s heart soar. Thinking back on it now, it only makes his heart hurt and his lungs grow more flowers.

The memories don’t stop surfacing. Kihyun starts to cough up more and more petals more frequently. He knows the others are starting to suspect that something is seriously wrong with him, but he doesn’t know what to do other than to keep pretending like everything's okay.

Chapter 8: Kiss or Death (Baby Let Me Take A Breath)

Notes:

Another short update but longer ones are incoming so take a breath 😉 before we get into it! Also I want to thank everyone who left a comment. Reading what you think about my story really gives me a boost of serotonin, so thank you so much!

No matter how hard Kihyun tries, his mind always circles back to the problem at hand. And now that Kihyun knows who he’s in love with, he’s faced with the most complicated dilemma because he isn’t going to burden Shownu with his feelings. Hanahaki is a finicky disease so Kihyun runs through every scenario.

The most obvious choice is to tell Shownu and confess his feelings. Kihyun knows that it won’t ruin their relationship, but he knows that it will change and not for the better. Kihyun doesn’t like to think about how awkward his relationship with Shownu was in their early days. Kihyun has always been a people person. He got along with almost everyone, even Hyungwon despite their differences. The only people he didn’t get along with were people who were outwardly rude.

With Shownu, Kihyun always felt awkward. Kihyun had never met anyone he couldn’t get along with right away and back when they met, Kihyun wasn’t sure what to make of it. Kihyun always thought that it was because of the situation that they were in. The survival show pitted them against each other while forcing them to work together.

Kihyun cringes every time he thinks back to the duet stage they did together.

He doesn’t want things to go back to the way they were. He can’t help but think that even more awkward days will be upon them if Kihyun tells Shownu how he feels. Kihyun knows that neither of them would ever recreate their awkward stage from No Mercy. They’re far too professional now, but off stage it would be a disaster.

Kihyun is thankful that Shownu is serving right now. He doesn’t know what he’d do if Shownu was constantly around. Kihyun can barely even think about him without coughing up petals. If he had to see him everyday? Kihyun would already be dead.

If Kihyun confesses, three things can happen. One is that Shownu returns his feelings, proves to Kihyun that he does indeed feel the same, and they live happily ever after. Kihyun scoffs just at the thought of it. That definitely won’t happen.

The second is that Shownu lets Kihyun down gently, says that he loves him, but he’s not in love with him and Kihyun gets over his feelings and moves on. Kihyun thinks this isn’t too bad, but highly unlikely.

The third is that Kihyun doesn’t move on because he can’t. Kihyun has only begun to understand his feelings, but he already knows that what he feels isn’t going to go away that easily. Even if Kihyun manages to get over his love, there’s no way that he’ll be able to do it within the time frame of now and when the Hanahaki eventually kills him. Kihyun shoves that thought far away.

If Kihyun doesn’t confess, then there are only two options.

One is to get the surgery. But if he does, then he’ll forget Shownu completely. More than that, since memories are all connected to one another, Kihyun will also forget the other members and their entire history and career together. Kihyun doesn’t want to forget any of them.

He knows that it’s similar to amnesia. If he were to wake up tomorrow and not know who anyone is, then they’d be by his side. But would he remain a member of Monsta X? Kihyun knows the company wouldn’t have the patience for Kihyun to relearn his entire career as an idol. Hanahaki isn’t amnesia. There’s no chance he’ll regain his memory, so they’d make him leave. And if Kihyun isn’t a part of Monsta X, then who would he be? What kind of life would he live? He doesn’t want to know.

When Khyun thinks about a life where he isn’t Monsta X’s Kihyun, he thinks it’d be a meaningless existence.

But what other choice does Kihyun have? If he doesn’t get the surgery then he’ll die. Kihyun's not ready to die. He has some much to live for. So many things he has yet to do. He can't die. He won't.

Hanahaki worsens differently for different people. For the most part, coughing up petals is an indication that he should consult a doctor. But he's an idol and even though he knows that it will be confidential, he can't hide the fact that he visited the doctor from the general public or from his members. And he's a terrible liar and actor. No one would believe him if he said it wasn't serious. The company would know for sure and then they'd make him get the surgery, no questions asked. He’s not supposed to be dating anyone and falling in love is dangerous in this industry. It could ruin you.

What’s worse is that they don't know who Kihyun loves. If they did, then they'd make him disappear. He’d get the surgery somewhere far away and be forced to live a completely different life and the others wouldn’t be able to acknowledge his existence. Kihyun would be as good as dead if that happened. And Kihyun wants none of that.

Kihyun keeps going around and around in circles trying to figure out what to do. Eventually, he’s so tired of it all that he pushes the thoughts to a corner of his mind.

He doesn't go to the hospital. He doesn't consult a doctor. He doesn't even think about it.

Kihyun knows that taking care of himself is what he should be prioritizing. He's learned that the hard way. Years and years of figuring out how to treat himself right. The trial and error of working himself to the bone and exercising and dieting led to him being more conscious of his appearance in terms of health rather than harmful beauty standards. He's always meticulous about taking his vitamins and hydrating. He's always looking out for his members too.

Staying happy and healthy is what they wish for their fans and for each other. But Kihyun can't bring himself to wish it upon himself. In this case, he feels guilty. He's made the mistake of falling in love and he has to deal with the consequences. He just hopes that he can finish off promotions before it gets worse.

And only then will he think about what he’ll do.

Chapter 9: Hyungwon

Summary:

By some miracle, Kihyun gets through their promotional period without any major incident. He feels proud until Hyungwon finds him throwing up petals in the broadcast station bathroom after their last music show.

Notes:

I'm really excited to finally be sharing this chapter with you! I'm sure you've been waiting for Kihyun's situation to catch up with him so here we are. We've reached the beginning of the 5+1 part of the fic so I guess this could be considered the second phase lol. Hope you enjoy!

They collect their sixth win that night. They smile wide and accept the trophy. Minhyuk holds it since Kihyun broke their last one. They give their ments and bow deeply to thank their fans.

They give a shout out to Shownu and start their encore performance.

They fulfill their promise to monbebes to sing each other's parts wearing ridiculous glasses. Kihyun gets Jooheon’s rap and he fails terribly, but he’s so happy that he can’t even feel embarrassed. Changkyun does Hyungwon’s solo dance in an exaggerated fashion and Minhyuk laughs through his cover of Changkyun’s part. Hyungwon screams Kihyun’s part to try to match the high notes. Jooheon slays Minhyuk’s part and they leave the stage feeling like they're on top of the world.

Kihyun is elated until the petals start pushing their way up his throat.

-
1. Hyungwon

They’re all ready to leave, putting on their coats and grabbing their bags when Kihyun can no longer keep the petals down. He runs off to the bathroom, leaving everyone else to wait.

Minutes pass by and Kihyun doesn’t return. Minhyuk starts to joke about Kihyun going to the bathroom so often these days. Hyungown would normally be the first to laugh and make a comment about it, but he only lets out a brief chuckle and then presses his lips into a thin line. Everyone else's laughter and Jooheon chiming in covers Hyungwon's odd behavior. Changkyun, ever observant, still notices.

Hyungwon puts his acting skills on and crosses his arms and starts tapping his foot in impatience. He rolls his eyes and says that Kihyun is taking too long and jokes that they should just leave him.

"Jagiya," Jooheon says, "you're a genius! You and I could head out first since we take separate cars anyway."

He's not wrong. Even though they live in the same building but in different dorms, there's no reason for them to always leave at the same time. They do it all the time since they have different schedules too, but this time they all have nothing else to do after this and so normally would leave all together.

Hyungwon laughs along with Jooheon. "Jagiya," he says, "should we?" The vibe makes Hyungwon a little less tense. He's about to just leave the Kihyun subject alone when Minhyuk suggests that someone go get him.

"Hyung," Changkyun says, talking to Minhyuk "why don't you do it?"

Minhyuk dramatically sinks into the couch and says "I don't wanna." Changkyun rolls his eyes. It's moments like this where Changkyun really questions who the maknae of the group is. He moves to do it himself, but Hyungwon stops him.

"I'll do it," he says. Changkyun raises his eyebrows in surprise. Minhyuk scoffs and before Hyungwon can come up with some excuse as to why he - out of all of them - would volunteer to go get Kihyun, Minhyuk does it for him.

"Yeah good idea," Minhyuk says, "you can drag his ass back here and hold it over him how he's the one holding everyone back this time."

"That's right," Hyungwon quickly agrees. He pulls out his phone. "I'll even get the proof," he says and then heads toward the bathroom.

He's halfheartedly recording the whole thing. If Kihyun really is just using the bathroom for a long time, then no big deal. But if Hyungwon's suspicions are right and Kihyun is hiding something, then he's got video evidence.

Hyungwon doesn't really know what to expect when he knocks on the bathroom door. For the past week, he's thought about Kihyun's strange behavior. His coughs have gotten worse, but Hyungwon reasons that the pollen count is high right now so Kihyun’s condition isn’t the best. But Hyungown has also observed how frequently Kihyun sneaks off. He says he's going to the bathroom, but Hyungwon thinks that's not quite the case.

He had gone through a list of things that one could sneak off to the bathroom for. All of which he doesn't want to imagine Kihyun doing, whether it's by himself or with someone else. The thought of it just makes him shudder. Besides, out of all of them, Kihyun would be the last person to be doing something indecent in public spaces, especially when they're at work. None of them would really, but especially not Kihyun.

The next thought is also something Hyungwon thinks is impossible. There's absolutely no way that Kihyun's doing drugs. He kind of hates how that even came across his mind. It's not that he's gonna judge him if he was, but that's dangerous territory. For all of them. Kihyun wouldn't.

The one that seems most plausible yet still impossible is that Kihyun is sneaking off to the bathroom to throw up. On purpose. Hyungwon knows it's something that people result in to have thinner bodies. Eating and then throwing it up so you're not really consuming anything. It's a scary thought, but they're all idols and he understands how hard it can be to look at yourself in the mirror some days and think that you're enough. Hyungwon refuses to believe that Kihyun is doing that because surely they would notice, right?

As far as Hyungwon can tell, Kihyun is healthy. His body's in great condition, even after they all caught covid, recovered, and went on tour. They were all a bit fatigued when they came back, but that was a few months ago. Hyungwon doesn't know everything that Kihyun does with his free time. He would know better if they lived together but they don't. Minhyuk and Changkyun would know for sure. There's nothing they can hide from their roommates.

Hyungwon hasn't brought it up to anyone because he's not sure it's anything at all. Maybe he's just hanging out with Kihyun too often again and is observing him more closely. Maybe this is normal and Hyungwon is the crazy one.

Whatever it is, Hyungwon is going to get to the bottom of this right now. He just hopes he's wrong.

-

"Kihyun?" he calls out from outside the bathroom. He waits, but there's no response. He knocks on the door again and then listens for any movement or sound from behind the closed door. He swears he hears some feet shuffling across the floor, but it's too brief and quiet for him to be sure.

Feeling stupid, he pockets his phone, not really wanting to invade a person’s privacy in the bathroom. He pushes the door open and looks inside. As a precaution, he squeezes his nostrils as he enters. Passing the sinks and urinals, he approaches the stalls. At this point, Hyungwon thinks Kihyun is just constipated and he's making a big deal out of nothing.

"Hey!" he shouts, hoping to startle Kihyun. "Hurry up so we can go home."

Kihyun makes a sound like a grunt. At least he knows he's alive. Pretty certain that Kihyun is just having bowel issues, Hyungwon plans to leave and just wait outside the door, but he stops in his tracks when he hears Kihyun cough violently.

Hyungwon is no stranger to coughs, often waking up coughing because of how dry the air is. But whatever sound comes out of Kihyun just then sounds horrible. It sounds painful and sticky and before Hyungwon can pinpoint what could make someone cough like that, Kihyun is dry heaving, making noises like he's throwing up. Hyungown crouches a bit and sees underneath the stall that Kihyun's kneeling on the ground, facing the toilet.

Fear overwhelms Hyungwon. Could he have been right? Or maybe it's just something he ate disagreeing with him. Stuff like that happens. Especially after dancing like your life depends on it on stage.

"Are you okay?" Hyungwon asks. He doesn't even bother to try to make it sound like an insult this time. Kihyun sputters a bit, clears his throat and then speaks.

"I'm fine, Hyungwon-ah. Must've been that chicken I had earlier."

It sounds believable, but something tells Hyungwon that something is wrong.

"Okay..." he says, voice trailing off. "I'll go and get you some water, okay? I'll let the others know you're not feeling well."

Kihyun heaves into the toilet again and Hyungwon pretends to leave.

"Thanks," Kihyun says as Hyungwon opens the door. He closes it but doesn't leave. He stands there silently for a moment and then it happens.

Kihyun, who had been holding back because Hyungwon was there, starts coughing and coughing and coughing. Hyungwon would be disgusted if he wasn’t so scared. It really sounds like Kihyun is coughing up a lung. Slowly, Hyungwon makes his way back over to the stall that Kihyun is in and pulls the door open.

Hyungwon is shocked that the door wasn't locked, but he's even more shocked at the scene before him.

Kihyun turns to look at him and Hyungwon can see how pale he is, like his life had been sucked out of him. His eyes dart to the toilet and he sees a pile of flower petals floating in the bowl.

"What?" Hyungwon breathes. Both are too shocked to move. Kihyun is staring wide eyed at him and Hyungwon is trying hard to comprehend what's going on. "What is this?"

Something about this question makes Kihyun act. In a blink of an eye, Khyun's on his feet, flushing the toilet, and pushing his way past Hyungwon. He heads to the sink to wash his hands as if he wasn’t just crouched over the toilet, throwing up flowers.

Hyungwon knows that Kihyun is running, knows that he's going to pretend like nothing happened, but Hyungwon isn't going to let him do that.

Kihyun's drying his hands when Hyungwon grabs him by the wrist and holds him there. He tries to get Kihyun to look at him, but he stares hard at the ground instead.

"What's happening? What...why were you throwing up petals?" Hyungwon’s eyes are wide and his mind is reeling. Hyungwon doesn't know what it means, doesn't know how it's even possible, but that's the only conclusion he can come to. Kihyun wouldn't be flushing flowers down the toilet to mask the scent of his vomit now would he?

"What are you - crazy?" Kihyun says, trying to pull free from Hyungwon's grasp.

"I know what I saw," Hyungwon says.

Kihyun can be stubborn, Hyungwon knows, especially when it comes to him. They may fight, but when things are serious, they always communicate well. Hyungwon knows Kihyun and with something like this, if he just prods a little more, he knows Kihyun will give in.

"Kihyun," he says and for some reason that makes Kihyun finally look at him. Hyungwon can see how tired he is. There's bags under his eyes and his skin's not only pale but starting to look transparent and a bit green. Hyungwon isn't sure how none of them saw him like this.

It suddenly clicks in his brain that Kihyun wasn’t just spending a lot more time in the bathroom, but he also took a long time when they’re getting their makeup done. To cover up the fact that he looks like a dead man walking, Kihyun has been volunteering to get his hair and makeup done first because of the amount of time that it would take. No one really thought much of it, too happy that they wouldn’t have to get up early and go first.

Hyungwon realizes then that all the clues were pointing to Kihyun being ill. It’s nothing new to them, but for Kihyun to actively hide it and lie was what didn’t make sense to Hyungwon.

"Kihyun," he says again, softer this time. "What's wrong?"

They stare at each other until Kihyun sighs. Hyungwon knows he's gotten through to him. He lets go of Kihyun's wrist and Kihyun seems to collapse against the wall. He leans his head back with eyes closed and Hyungwon waits.

Eventually Kihyun opens his eyes and looks at him. "Do you know what Hanahaki Disease is?"

All the pieces finally come together. Hanahaki. It’s what finally makes everything make sense to Hyungwon. Why there were petals in the toilet and why Kihyun felt like he had to hide him being unwell from everyone.

Hyungwon swallows and picks his next words carefully.

“That’s the disease where you grow flowers in your lungs because of unrequited love, right?”

Kihyun nods.

“I have Hanahaki,” he says. Hyungwon tries to comprehend how he can say those words so casually and straightforwardly.

“What?”

Kihyun frowns, “Can’t you hear? I. Have. Hanahaki,” he says with emphasis. Hyungwon knows Kihyun is only frustrated now because he’s trying to hide his pain. Hyungwon can see unshed tears fill Kihyun’s eyes.

“But,” Hyungwon starts, but doesn’t know how to continue. He doesn’t really know what to do so he just steps forward and hugs Kihyun. He’s not sure if it’s the right move and he can’t even think right now so he just holds onto Kihyun tight.

In normal circumstances, Hyungwon would laugh at Kihyun crying. In normal circumstances, Hyungwon wouldn’t hug him like this. In normal circumstances, Kihyun would push him away. In normal circumstances, they would be acting like kids and teasing each other, trying to make each other laugh instead of cry, but this isn’t a normal circumstance, so Kihyun hunches over and buries his face into Hyungwon’s sweater, clutching onto the sides of fabric and sobbing.

Hyungwon just pats his back and places his chin on top of his head. Kihyun babbles nonsense into his chest as he tries to shush him.

“It’s okay,” he says, although the words hold no meaning. Nothing about this is okay. Kihyun has Hanahaki and from what Hyungwon knows, that means Kihyun is dying. But Hyungwon tries not to think about that and focuses on comforting Kihyun.

Eventually, Kihyun calms down. He takes a deep breath and his grip on Hyungwon’s sides loosens. Hyungwon releases him from the hug and takes a step back. He pats Kihyun on the shoulder. Neither have a chance to say anything when someone’s knocking on the door.

Chapter 10: They're Not Gonna Know (They're Gonna Know)

Notes:

A short update for you <3 Hope you like it!

“Kihyun hyung, Hyungwon hyung!” A voice calls out from the other side of the door. It’s Changkyun. “You guys haven’t killed each other, have you?” Changkyun pushes the door open and pokes his head inside.

At that, Kihyun panics. He turns toward the sink and busies himself with washing his hands. Hyungwon awkwardly hovers behind him, trying to act like nothing happened. He turns toward Changkyun and says, “If I was gonna kill him, it wouldn’t be in the bathroom of a broadcasting station where anyone could see.”

Kihyun snorts as he scrubs his hands with more soap than necessary.

Hyungwon continues, “I’d make it look like an accident.” Changkyun laughs and shakes his head.

“Kihyun hyung,” he calls out. Kihyun’s hands freeze. “Hurry up. Everyone’s waiting for you.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, I’m hurrying,” Kihyun says, shutting off the water and grabbing some paper towels. He looks at his reflection and inwardly cringes. His eyes are red and swollen from crying. He meets Hyungwon’s eyes through the mirror and quickly looks away. He tosses the paper towels in the trash and fixes his bangs to try and cover up his eyes. He doesn’t like his bangs getting so long that the ends poke his eyes, but he’s thankful that he didn’t cut his hair yet so that he could use them to cover up the fact that he was crying.

He clears his throat, turns around, and marches toward the door, Hyungwon right behind him. Changkyun holds the door open for them as they exit. They make their way back to the room where the others are waiting.

Kihyun leads the way, Hyungwon and Changkyun side by side following him. Hyungwon glances over to Changkyun to find that he was looking at him. Their eyes meet. Changkyun raises his eyebrows and lifts his chin, gesturing toward Kihyun as if to say “What’s with him?”

Hyungwon shrugs his shoulders hoping that his “I don’t know” would be enough to keep Changkyun in the dark. Changkyun just looks at him for a second and then looks away. Hyungwon knows that he doesn’t believe him, but he hopes that Changkyun wouldn’t try to interrogate Kihyun about it later.

-

When they walk into the room, Minhyuk exclaims, “Finally!” and Jooheon excitedly jumps up from his seat. “Let’s go!” he shouts.

They all grab their bags and make their way out of the building. Kihyun puts on a new face mask and is glad that he can hide behind it. Outside, they wave to fans waiting for them and clamber into their designated vans to go home.

Kihyun climbs into the passenger seat, leaving Minhyuk and Changkyun to sit in the back. Changkyun watches how Kihyun keeps his head down the entire ride home. He’s looking down on his phone, but Changkyun can tell that he’s not really doing anything. His thumb hovers over the screen, but he never scrolls.

Earlier, Changkyun thought it was odd how Hyungwon had volunteered to go get Kihyun. He brushed it off because Minhyuk and Jooheon hadn’t felt that way. He’d asked them once Hyungwon had left if they thought he was acting strange and they both said no, so he thought he was just overthinking it.

But when Hyungwon didn’t return with Kihyun within a few minutes, Changkyun thought it was suspicious. Minhyuk and Jooheon were sitting close together on the couch talking about something or other. Changkyun sighed and then muttered that he was going to see what was taking them so long.

He approached the bathroom, expecting to hear Kihyun and Hyungwon’s voices, but heard nothing. He wondered if they were in there at all. He planned to just walk in but as he raised his hand to push the door open, he heard Kihyun sob. He hesitated and eventually dropped his hand.

He heard Hyungwon’s voice, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. He thought about whether he should go inside or just turn around and pretend he didn’t hear anything. He tossed the options around in his head and decided that he couldn’t return without the two of them so he called out their names as a warning before pushing the door open.

Changkyun had seen them standing close to one another before Kihyun turned toward the sink. From that angle, Changkyun could see Kihyun’s reflection in the mirror. He didn’t look good at all. Hyungwon turned to him, which covered Changkyun’s view into the mirror.

Changkyun didn’t really hear what Hyungwon had said, but laughed anyway. It came out sounding strange to his ears, but no one noticed.

In the van, Changkyun thinks about why Kihyun would be crying. And if he was crying, why did Hyungwon look so serious? Seeing Kihyun cry isn’t something new and it’s not as unusual as people think, but he looked so sad and Hyungwon looked so concerned.

He wants to ask Kihyun, but not in the van in front of Minhyuk and their manager. Something tells him that Kihyun will brush it off, but he has to at least try.

Chapter 11: To Grow A Garden

Notes:

I'm going through the chapters I've already written like a wildfire (lol) and haven't had time to write more so I'm trying to space out my updates before I run out of stuff to post. I hope you like this chapter!

In the other van, Hyungwon stares out the window deep in thought. Jooheon, who is sitting next to him, laughs at the video he’s watching on his phone. Jooheon starts up a conversation with their manager, asking him if he’s seen the video that he’s watching. Hyungwon wishes he could join in and laugh along, but he can’t - not with the knowledge that he has now.

Hyungwon tries to recall what he knows about Hanahaki. Admittedly, he knows very little, but of what he does know, it’s not good. He doesn’t want to jump to the conclusion that Kihyun is going to die, but that’s all he knows. Hanahaki is a very rare disease. It’s been years since Hyungwon had even heard or seen anything about it, so it’s possible that they’ve made medical advances in recent years.

The first time Hyungwon heard about Hanahaki, it was from a drama called To Grow A Garden. It was a bittersweet love story about a girl who loved a man who did not return her feelings. They were friends and had been since they were children. They ended up going to separate universities and lost contact but met again as working adults. They grew close quickly because they had been friends before and the girl found herself falling in love with him again. But unlike before, she loved him so much and so strongly that she ended up getting Hanahaki. She didn't tell anyone and suffered alone. Eventually she could not fight it anymore and ended up in the hospital. When he found out, he rushed to her side and she ended up confessing. He couldn't return her feelings but she understood. She just had to let him know that he was loved. She died holding his hand.

Hyungwon remembers crying a lot when he watched it. He thought that it was all fictional but a quick search about the drama revealed that the disease was real albeit very rare as someone had to love someone for a long time and very deeply before Hanahaki could develop. Most people move on and never get to the point of developing Hanahaki.

He wants to talk to Jooheon. See what he knows and what he thinks about it all, but he knows that it’s not for him to tell. Hyungwon is conflicted because if Kihyun had cancer and was dying, he’d tell the others. Although similar, Hyungwon thinks that this case is too personal for him to share. He’s worried, scared, and uncertain, but hopefully he can convince Kihyun to tell everyone.

Hyungwon pulls out his phone to find out more about Hanahaki to find that his phone had been recording since earlier. He had completely forgotten about that. He stops the recording and goes to delete it. Before he can press the button, he hesitates. The audio of Kihyun’s coughing could be a good reference for his research. He could even consult a doctor for Kihyun. He could pretend like he’s researching for an acting audition. Hyungwon nods to himself and saves the file.

He looks up Hanahaki. The first page of his search leads him to commonly asked questions.

What is Hanahaki?
How do you know if you have Hanahaki?
Is Hanahaki curable?
Will I die if I have Hanahaki?

Hyungwon clicks on Is Hanahaki curable? It leads him to an article that he scans to find the answer that he’s looking for. He scrolls past the scientific explanation of what Hanahaki is, past the symptoms, to the bottom of the page, which has the header Is Hanahaki curable? Yes!

Seeing that, Hyungwon lets out a breath. That’s relieving to know. He eagerly reads the rest of the article. It says that Hanahaki can be cured with surgery. The article outlines the process of operating on someone with Hanahaki by surgically removing the flowers and roots from the patient’s lungs. Depending on the stage that the patient is in, the process can be more complex. In later stages, the flowers grow on vines into the throat and would need to be removed as well.

Hyungwon feels ill when he sees that some patients are too late and are in critical condition and die before they can receive the surgery. The article says that the sooner someone with Hanahaki gets the surgery, the higher the rate of a successful operation.

If the surgery is successful, then the patient will have a full recovery. Flowers have yet to be observed to return in patients who have received the surgery.

Reading that, Hyungwon is relieved. Kihyun won’t die. All he needs is to go to the hospital and get the surgery. He’s hopeful that everything will be fine.

But as Hyungwon continues reading the article, the hope dies.

However, the surgery has a major side effect - when a patient goes through the process of removing the flowers, they will also be removing all memories and emotions for the object of their affection. Since Hanahaki is a physical manifestation of unrequited love, when the flowers are removed, so is the love.

Due to this, many patients with Hanahaki choose not to receive the surgery. They don’t want to forget the person they love.

Hyungwon suddenly feels like he’s going to throw up. There’s no way that Kihyun doesn’t already know about the surgery. Which means that he doesn’t plan on getting it. Otherwise, he would’ve done so already.

He hadn’t really thought about it, but Hyungwon desperately wants to know who it is. He had been so concerned about Kihyun dying that he hadn’t even thought about who is the reason that Kihyun is suffering like this. And who it is that Kihyun is willing to die for.

He wonders if the other person knows.

Hyungwon groans. His stomach is turning and he feels a headache coming. Jooheon leans over and asks him if he’s okay. Hyungwon tells him that he’s fine, just a little tired.

Hyungwon closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t see that Jooheon is leaning over close enough to see what’s on his phone screen. Jooheon has to squint a little to see the title of the article Hyungwon is reading.

What is Hanahaki and is there a cure?

Jooheon has no idea what Hanahaki is, but he can decipher that it’s an illness based on the context clues. He looks at Hyungwon with concern. Is he sick? Jooheon wonders. His eyes dart back to the article trying to make out what the rest says, but before he can, Hyungwon opens his eyes and moves his phone away from Jooheon’s sight.

“Jagiya,” Jooheon calls out to him, “what are you doing?”

Hyungwon panics a little at the question, but keeps it together. He slowly blinks at his phone and turns to Jooheon.

“I’m doing research for this role in a drama,” he says, and hates how easy the lie comes out.

“Ooooohhhh,” Jooheon says, excited. “Did they offer you another acting role?”

“No,” Hyungwon says, “not yet, but I want to audition so I’m trying to do my research before I bring it up to the company.”

“That’s so cool!” Jooheon exclaims. Then he pouts, “I want to act too.” He turns to their manager, “Hyung, when can I get an acting gig?”

Their manager tries to console Jooheon and Hyungwon goes back to his phone.

Although there have been only a fews cases, there is another cure to the disease.

Hyungwon perks up at that.

It’s been reported that patients with Hanahaki whose love is returned will recover from Hanahaki naturally and on their own. When a love is requited, the flowers will wither and die. The patient will have to cough and throw up the dead plants, which can be painful, but eventually, the flowers will be gone and the patient will have a full recovery.

Hyungwon tries not to get too excited about this - he is a romantic after all, but this is not a story. He still has no idea who Kihyun loves. And a one sided love often doesn’t have a happy ending. It’s possible that Kihyun has already confessed and the person doesn’t return his feelings, nor wants to try. Just the thought of it makes Hyungwon sad.

None of them are unfamiliar with one sided love, but to the extent of growing flowers in your lungs for someone? Hyungwon does not know a love as strong as that. His heart aches for Kihyun so much that he wants to cry.

Chapter 12: A Restless Night

Notes:

EDIT: I made a minor change to the chapter after hearing how Changkyun always tells Kihyun that he's doing well and I wanted to incorporate it into my story~

Kihyun's album is so good 😭 Youth literally is Kihyun embodied into a song and it makes me so emotional. I've never felt so seen and comforted by a song before. In honor of promotion week coming up, I've decided to update! Hope y'all enjoy it and stream Youth!

When they get back to their apartment, Kihyun claims the shower first and locks himself in. Kihyun takes long showers, but this time, he stays in there for almost an hour. Minhyuk, who’s next to shower starts banging on the door about 40 minutes into Kihyun’s long shower.

“Hey!” he shouts, “Hurry up! You’re taking so long. It’s my turn now!” Kihyun doesn’t respond and Minhyuk just keeps shouting until he hears Kihyun shut the water off. “Thank God,” Minhyuk says.

It takes another 10 minutes before Kihyun unlocks the door. He opens the door and the steam rolls out like fog.

“You took forever!” Minhyuk exclaims and goes into the bathroom.

Kihyun rolls his eyes, but still doesn’t say anything. Having lived with those two for years, Changkyun knows that Kihyun would be shouting right back at Minhyuk. How Minhyuk doesn’t think anything is odd is beyond him.

Kihyun shuffles into his room, but before he can shut the door and shut Changkyun out, Changkyun calls out to him.

“Hyung.”

Kihyun looks at him. “Yeah?”

“Can I talk to you?” Changkyun asks. Kihyun hesitates for a moment. Changkyun sounds serious. It’s not often he makes a request like this and Kihyun wouldn’t normally refuse, but he’s so tired and a part of him suspects that Changkyun knows something’s wrong and he really doesn’t want to talk about it.

“What is it?” Kihyun asks, “Can it wait until tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

Changkyun wants to push the subject, but he sees the bags under Kihyun’s eyes and he feels bad. He shakes his head, “Nevermind, hyung. It’s fine. You go to sleep.”

To Kihyun, Changkyun looks a bit disappointed. He wants to take it back and invite Changkyun into his room so they can talk, but he knows that it won't end well.

“Good night,” Kihyun says.

“You did well, hyung,” he hears Changkyun say as he closes the door. Kihyun appreciates how Changkyun can give him so much comfort with so little words, but the feeling is short lived this time. It makes Kihyun feel even worse about not talking to him, but he doesn’t trust himself in the state that he’s in right now. Hyungwon knowing is more than he can handle.

Kihyun collapses onto his bed. He doesn’t bother to pull the sheets and just lays on top, curling himself around his pillow. He shuts his eyes and swallows. His eyes are dry and his throat hurts from all the coughing. He hugs his pillow tighter and tries to sleep.

-

Changkyun lays awake, pondering what Kihyun could possibly be going through. Minhyuk was convinced that Kihyun was pining after someone and that he had been secretly going out to meet them, but Chagkyun wasn't convinced.

Changkyun thinks about the white roses that Kihyun keeps receiving. Could they really be from a secret admirer or a secret lover? Did they break his heart and that's why Kihyun was crying in the bathroom?

Logically, Changkyun thinks that it makes the most sense. Kihyun has always been a private person and if he found someone, he wouldn't have talked too much about it. Kihyun always has a fear that anything could potentially break up the group.

It's a fear that they all share, but Kihyun wouldn't risk even talking about it with them.

But for some reason, Changkyun has a feeling that a failed relationship isn't quite right.

Changkyun remembers how Kihyun had come out of the dressing room crying the other night. He had wanted to ask, but Shownu insisted that they leave him be.

Shownu must know. Changkyun wants to call him and ask because he feels so lost. Seeing Kihyun's red and swollen eyes from crying makes him want to cry too and he has no idea how to help.

He hesitates to call Shownu and in the end, he decides against it. He should talk to Kihyun first. When Changkyun had asked Kihyun to talk and Kihyun turned around, at first glance he seemed normal, but a closer look revealed his exhaustion. Changkyun figured that he should let Kihyun rest and get some sleep and then bring it up tomorrow.

He feels like tomorrow is going to take forever to come.

-

Hyungwon can't sleep. He lies awake wondering about what Kihyun is thinking. He tosses and turns before he decides to call Kihyun.

He doesn't answer. It's the middle of the night and they have an early schedule. Of course he doesn't answer.

Hyungwon is about to slip into a restless sleep consumed with thoughts of Kihyun dying buried in bloody flowers that he coughed up until he suffocated to death when his phone lights up.

He sees it's Kihyun calling him back. He must not be able to sleep either. Hyungwon answers.

Neither of them say anything. Hyungwon waits for Kihyun to talk, knowing that there's nothing he could say or ask. Kihyun coughs and breaks the silence.

"What do you want?" Kihyun asks.

"Look," Hyungwon starts, "I searched about Hanahaki."

Kihyun sighs, "And?"

"And you're dying,” Hyungwon says, accusatory.

The line is silent. Hyungwon waits. A minute passes and he wonders if Kihyun had hung up. He checks, but the call is still active. He hears Kihyun curse under his breath before speaking.

"We're all dying," Kihyun says. Hyungwon wants to be patient, but he badly wants to reach through the phone and punch him. "I'm just dying at a faster rate than everyone else. That's all."

"That's not all," Hyungwon hisses, trying not to yell. Everyone else in the apartment is a heavy sleeper, but he still doesn't want to raise his voice lest their neighbors hear him. "You don't have to die. You can get the surgery!”

Kihyun sighs heavily. "I don't want to talk about this. It's late. Go to sleep. We have an early schedule tomorrow." Kihyun doesn't wait for Hyungwon to reply before hanging up.

Hyungwon curses Kihyun, but then takes it back because he feels bad for cursing someone who is dying.

He tries calling again, but Kihyun must have turned his phone off because it goes straight to voicemail. He thinks about storming over there and demanding they talk about it now, but knows that it’s a bad idea.

He sighs, puts his phone down, and tries to sleep.

He doesn’t.

Chapter 13: Sand in the Glass

Summary:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIHYUN! In honor of his birthday, I decided that it was about time that I update since it has been a while. I wish I could be sharing something more happy, but this story is angsty so just be prepared.

Changkyun could hear Kihyun talking to someone, but he was too quiet for Changkyun to hear what he was saying. He wonders who he's talking to. Is it his hypothetical lover or ex lover?

Changkyun doesn't know and he tries not to entertain that train of thought so he goes through what he has observed about Kihyun in the past few weeks.

He had noticed that Kihyun seemed unwell. Even asked to make sure he was feeling okay, but Kihyun always brushed it off. He said that he was fine every time and Changkyun didn’t have any real reason not to believe him.

Comebacks are always hard. They practice like they’re trainees, desperate to debut, even though they’re in their 8th year. There’s something exhilarating about every comeback, but it takes a toll on their bodies. Especially after their recent activities, this comeback has been difficult. From the constant traveling and countless individual schedules, they’ve gotten little rest.

Changkyun had been keeping extra close attention to Kihyun’s condition after he lost his voice during their No Limit in Seoul concerts. During rehearsal for their last day, Kihyun’s voice wouldn’t come out, but when time came for the concert, he managed. By the end of the night, it was clear that Kihyun was straining his voice beyond his limits - a limit no one thought Kihyun had. The irony of their tour name No Limit wasn’t lost on them.

Everyone was tired. But when had they ever not been? Since their debut they have been working nonstop and it seems like now they’re working even harder than ever.

Especially with Minhyuk and Kihyun next to enlist, it had begun to feel like time was running out for them. There have been so many obstacles in their way and every time it felt like something they needed to do before things changed again.

They keep going, trying not to think about the inevitable change on the horizon, but being in a constant state of moving doesn’t mean that they don’t change in the process.

Something has changed with Kihyun. Changkyun isn’t sure what it is, but he knows what he saw. Kihyun was crying and it was something serious.

Changkyun wonders if Kihyun just broke down. None of them are unfamiliar with feelings building up until they burst, but it’s been so long since they would hide it from each other. In the early days, Changkyun would come across the other members struggling on their own. He knew exactly what they were going through because he was going through it too.

Everyone knew that they’d hide away and cry. It’s hard not to when they all lived together in close quarters, but no one dared to say anything. They dealt with it alone, feeling like they weren’t allowed to feel bad when they had finally gotten what they all wanted - to debut.

They went through so much pain to debut, but no one told them that it would only get harder from there.

Wonho was the first to bring up the subject after everyone had overheard Jooheon crying one night. Ever so kind and caring, Wonho talked to him privately and hugged him as he confessed that he felt so sad all the time when he should feel happy. That was what broke the dam. From then on, they were open about how they were feeling. When someone felt sad or homesick or depressed or upset, they’d talk to each other.

Changkyun looks back on those days fondly - when they would gather in the living room like they were having a sleepover. There wasn’t much space so they packed themselves close together like sardines. They’d talk and distract whoever was feeling down with silly stories and jokes until they all fell asleep.

Changkyun tries to remember the last time they did something like that and he realizes that it was before Wonho left. In their old dorm, after they already knew he would leave and before it was announced to the world, they had solemnly gathered together one last time. It was a night full of tears, both from sadness and from laughter. Changkyun remembers each member falling asleep while he lay awake, staring up at the ceiling and praying that it was all a nightmare. He fell asleep like that and when he woke up, it was still real.

Changkyun sighs and turns in his bed. It’s been years and it’s not like they aren’t still a family and talk and see each other as often as they can, but it’s different. They can’t just decide to sleep together in the living room like they used to. Wonho is on his own. Shownu doing his military service. And the rest of the members are split between two dorms, albeit in the same building. They’re not together like they used to be and maybe that’s why Kihyun was crying in the bathroom by himself.

Not because of them being apart - although that could be the reason - but because it’s not the same anymore. The past few years have been full of constant changes and challenges and maybe now Kihyun feels like he can’t express those emotions to them anymore.

Changkyun can understand. They’ve all been trying to stay strong. Trying to fill up both Wonho and Shownu’s space on stage when they perform and when they record songs has felt futile at times. They should be proud, especially with their latest album being completely written and produced by them, as well as a feature with a very famous American singer, but sometimes it feels empty. Sometimes it feels wrong to continue on like this.

When Wonho left, something in Monsta X broke and they’ve been trying to keep it together, but it’s like a broken hourglass and they’re holding onto the pieces, trying to keep the sand from spilling out. For the most part, it works - what sand is left stays inside. But sometimes someone will falter and the sand will slip through the cracks, but they always manage to keep it together. Changkyun wonders what will happen if they all falter at once or when they’ve faltered enough times and there’s no sand left. By then, would it even matter if they keep holding on if there’s nothing left?

Changkyun doesn’t know what’s going on with Kihyun, but he’ll help in any way that he can. Maybe that starts with arranging a sleepover with all seven of them.

Chapter 14: Blood Stained Petals

Summary:

Kihyun's condition gets worse and he can't keep hiding from the others.

Notes:

MONSTA X COMEBACK JANUARY 9!!!

To celebrate, here's a chapter lol balance out the excitement from the cb announcement with some angst

When Kihyun wakes up that morning, he just wants to lie there and go back to sleep, but he forces himself to get up. They have a group schedule in a couple hours and Kihyun expects it to go smoothly. The last thing he expects is to cough up blood stained petals.

He is extremely parched when he gets out of bed. He reaches for the bottle on his nightstand and gulps it down. It doesn’t make him feel any better. Lately, water does little to help soothe his aching throat. Eating has become a struggle. When he swallows, it feels like it’s scratching up the sides of his throat. Kihyun has been drinking smoothies to keep up his calorie intake instead.

He stretches his arms above his head and makes his way to the bathroom. He’s brushing his teeth when a tickle rises in his throat. He moves to spit out his toothpaste, but ends up coughing it out instead. Petals find their way up his throat and into the sink. Kihyun’s whole body shakes as he coughs up the petals.

The irritation in his throat subsides and Kihyun swallows. It hurts. He can feel a petal stuck on the inside of his cheek. He pulls it out and notices that it’s red. That’s new, Kihyun thinks. His vision swims and that’s when he realizes that it’s blood.

Kihyun drops the petal in shock. He looks into the sink and sees red splattered everywhere. He had been coughing with his eyes closed because of the pain and didn’t notice. He thought that he’d have more time, but blood is a bad sign. His condition is getting worse at a rapid pace. Kihyun feels like he can’t breathe, but he knows it’s not the flowers this time.

Fear grips at his heart and his legs feel shaky.

-

Changkyun wakes up when Kihyun does. He can't remember when he had fallen asleep but it did little to rest his mind. He gets up slowly and stretches, listening to the sounds of Kihyun in the bathroom. He scrolls through his phone, checking headlines and the weather as he waits for Kihyun to finish up.

He pulls up his messaging app and clicks on their group chat. He starts drafting a message inviting them all to hang out, but struggles with how to phrase it so it doesn’t sound strange. He’s backspacing when he hears Kihyun start coughing.

A chill runs down his spine as he listens. Kihyun doesn’t sound good. Changkyun slowly walks to his door and cracks it open. He can hear more clearly now and Kihyun’s coughs sound really painful. His coughs turn to gagging and Changkyun throws his door wide open and swiftly makes his way down the hall toward the bathroom.

He can hear Kihyun throwing up, but it’s unlike anything he’s ever heard before. Kihyun is gasping and hurling and almost choking. Fear runs through Changkyun’s body as he grips the handle to the door of the bathroom and pries it open.

Kihyun doesn’t even notice him. Changkyun freezes. From where he’s standing, he can see blood. A lot of blood splattered in the sink and over Kihyun’s hands. He watches in horror as Kihyun pulls a blood stained petal out of his mouth.

Of all the things that Changkyun had thought was wrong with Kihyun, this was the furthest thing from his mind. But it all makes sense now.

Suddenly, it all clicks in his head. Kihyun being unwell. Kihyun coughing more than usual. Kihyun disappearing into the bathroom for longer periods of time. Kihyun crying in the bathroom last night. Kihyun not confiding in them.

All of that because he has Hanahaki.

Chapter 15: Changkyun & Minhyuk

Notes:

uh...merry christmas?

2. Changkyun

“Hyung!” Kihyun hears behind him. Kihyun’s heart jumps into his throat. Changkyun’s suddenly grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the sink. Unbalanced, Kihyun stumbles backward. Changkyun has an awkward hold on him, but manages to prevent Kihyun from tripping. Changkyun guides him so that he’s sitting on the floor, back against the wall.

“Hyung,” Changkyun says, voice urgent and desperate. Kihyun looks at him with glazed eyes. Changkyun lightly slaps his face, trying to make Kihyun more alert, but to no avail.

“Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun says, but his voice barely comes out. Speaking makes his throat hurt and he winces. He tries to stop Changkyun’s panicked slapping, but he can’t feel his arms. Kihyun closes his eyes and focuses on his body. He feels numb.

-

Kihyun faints. Scared that he’s just witnessed Kihyun die, Changkyun screams. His hands are shaking when he presses two fingers against Kihyun’s neck to check for a pulse. He feels Kihyun’s heartbeat and he feels a bit relieved. Kihyun is alive, but Changkyun still doesn’t know what to do.

He tries to wake Kihyun up by slapping him in the face and poking his sides. He starts chanting “hyung” like a mantra hoping that Kihyun will hear him and wake up.

-

3. Minhyuk

Minhyuk is startled awake by a scream. Groggy, he wonders if it was just his imagination. He stays still and listens to see if they’ll scream again. When he doesn’t hear anything, he cuddles back into his whale plushie, planning to sleep some more.

His plan is derailed immediately when he hears Changkyun’s voice. It sounds like he’s saying “hyung” over and over again. Minhyuk thinks that it’s odd and wonders if he’s having a strange dream.

Still half conscious, Minhyuk rolls out of bed and opens his door. Changkyun really is saying “hyung” over and over again and it sounds like he’s crying. Suddenly more alert, Mihyuk follows Changkyun’s voice to the bathroom.

When Minhyuk arrives, his hair is sticking up in every direction. Changkyun wants to laugh, but what comes out is a sob. He didn’t even realize that he was crying.

“Oh my god!” Minhyuk exclaims when he sees the scene in front of him. His mind runs a million miles and back, analyzing what’s happening.

Kihyun has collapsed. Changkyun is in distress. There’s blood in the bathroom sink. And petals too. Kihyun has blood on his mouth and fingers. There’s only one thing Minhyuk can conclude.

Something takes over and he moves into action.

He pulls Changkyun to his feet.

“Hyung,” Changkyun says, voice shaking. He wipes his face, but the stream of tears doesn't stop. Minhyuk crouches down and assesses Kihyun’s state.

“Changkyun-ah,” Minhyuk says, keeping his voice stable. “I need you to help me carry Kihyun to his bed, okay?”

Changkyun nods and moves to grab Kihyun’s legs as Minhyuk holds Kihyun up from underneath his arms.

“One, two, three,” Minhyuk counts. They lift him up and move from the bathroom to his room. They lay him down on his bed. Kihyun’s nose is scrunched and his eyebrows are pulled together like he’s in pain.

“Hyung, what do we do?” Changkyun asks. It’s moments like this that Minhyuk can feel their age gap. Changkyun looks so small, standing there with uncertainty in his eyes and hands wringing together in distress.

Honestly, Minhyuk has no idea what to do, but he knows that he needs to step up at this moment. He makes sure that Kihyun is lying on his side, like he would do if he was drunk so if he throws up he won’t choke and die. There’s a petal stuck to his shirt and Minhyuk pulls it off before pulling the covers over him.

Minhyuk steps back and sighs. He runs a hand through his hair and thinks. Minhyuk knows they can’t call their manager about this. He knows that the hospital is not an option. He thinks about calling Shownu, but knows that there isn’t anything he can do to help from where he is. He’s most likely still asleep at this hour anyway. He doesn’t want to disturb him.

The others should know, is what Minhyuk concludes.

“We need to tell Hyungwon and Jooheon,” he says and reaches for his phone, but Changkyun stops him.

“Wait, hyung. I don’t think you should do that.”

“Why? They should know. We can’t tell the managers. All we have is each other.” Minhyuk sounds just as lost as Changkyun. “We’ll figure it out together.” Changkyun pauses to think it over. In the end he shakes his head.

“Not yet,” he says. “We should wait until Kihyun wakes up and then see what he wants to do.” They stare at each other until Minhyuk concedes.

“Okay,” he says. “Okay okay okay,” he repeats it over and over to calm himself down. It’s silent for a moment as they observe Kihyun who looks like a child curled up in that position.

Minhyuk notices that Kihyun has started sweating. He tells Changkyun to get a glass of water from the kitchen as he goes to wet some towels to help cool Kihyun down.

With wet towels in hand, Minhyuk sits down on the bed beside Kihyun. He gently places a towel to Kihyun’s forehead and holds it there. Changkyun places the glass of water beside the bed and kneels on the floor. With his other hand, Minhyuk finds Changkyun’s and they hold onto each other in silence, waiting for Kihyun to wake up.

Chapter 16: What Is Romance If Not Yoo Kihyun?

Notes:

Happy new year! What's a better way to start the new year than with an update?

Hope you enjoy this chapter! Here's to another year of shipping showki lmao (Shownu returns soon!!!)

Kihyun has always been adamant that he isn’t romantic. Minhyuk is a sucker for a good romance and as much as he hates to admit it, Kihyun is an ideal romantic partner.

There was an interview they did a long time ago where the host was asked to pick one of them as the most popular among women. Before she could make a decision, Minhyuk already knew that her answer would be Kihyun.

And he was right.

Minhyuk thinks they all would be good partners, but he has always known that Kihyun was husband material: he cooks, he cleans, he’s respectful, he’s thoughtful, and the list goes on. Kihyun has also proved to be great with children, making him father material as well.

The thing about Kihyun though is that he doesn’t think that he’s romantic. At this, Minhyuk has to roll his eyes because if you looked up “romantic” on Naver, Kihyun’s face would probably pop up.

It’s not like Minhyuk ponders this often, but after some instances, Minhyuk has concluded that Kihyun simply does not know what romance even is.

-

Minhyuk used to think that Kihyun only said that he wasn’t romantic because he’s a humble person. Kihyun sees himself as a constant work in progress. He always knows that he can do better and continually strives to be better.

Kihyun likes to flex his talents without any prompting, but the second anyone compliments him, he blushes and that confidence is nowhere to be found.

Kihyun knows he’s good at what he does. He has a lot of pride in being Monsta X’s main vocal, as all the members have pride in him. When it comes to Kihyun’s confidence, it derives from being a member of Monsta X.

So when he gets complimented outside of that context, Kihyun is always flustered. He knows he’s good, but he doesn’t think he’s that good. He’s honored to be called the God of Kpop, among many other nicknames, but instead of claiming the title and running with it, it only makes Kihyun work harder to be worthy of the name.

In a similar way, Kihyun never claims to be romantic on his own and whenever someone mentions it, he denies it. Minhyuk used to think it was because Kihyun thinks that he could do better at being romantic.

In some ways, Minhyuk was right, but he was also wrong.

Kihyun does think that he needs to work on being romantic before he can admit it, but he also thinks that he’s not romantic at all. Not even a little bit.

Minhyuk remembers how on Midnight Idol Kihyun had said that he isn’t romantic, but he tries to be. And Minhyuk wanted to smack him because isn’t that what romance is? Kihyun tries and he succeeds, but somehow he still doesn’t think he’s romantic. Minhyuk doesn’t understand Kihyun’s logic.

-

Minhyuk wasn’t sure what to make of it until it sort of just clicked in his mind one day.

They had just finished up an interview where they were asked about how they would describe their relationship with the person sitting to their right. Minhyuk happened to be sitting next to Kihyun.

He turned to look at Kihyun and they both couldn’t contain their laughter because they both knew that their relationship was difficult to describe.

Both born in the same month of the same year, Minhyuk and Kihyun were known to be quite a mischievous pair.

Minhyuk had said that they get along most of the time, like 90%, but then there’s the 10% where Minhyuk doesn’t understand Kihyun at all and it annoys the hell out of him.

Part of that 10% is Kihyun thinking he’s not romantic.

It’s after the interview, when Minhyuk isn’t thinking about anything in particular, leaning on Hyungwon’s shoulder in the dressing room that he realizes that Kihyun’s love language gives him all the answers he needs.

Minhyuk’s love language is physical touch. He shows people that he loves them with hugs. He likes to cuddle and be close to others unlike Kihyun, who would rather keep his distance. However, over the years Kihyun has grown comfortable around the members to let them close.

Interestingly though, when Minhyuk was starting to get to know Kihyun, he thought that they shared the same love language, among other traits, but he was wrong. Minhyuk had observed that Kihyun actually initiates quite a lot of physical contact subconsciously, which is why he made the mistake of thinking that Kihyun would be okay with him touching him.

Minhyuk has been the victim of Kihyun’s need to slap and punch the person next to him when he gets excited or embarrassed too many times to count. Kihyun also has a tendency to hide behind others and cling to their shoulders as well as placing a comforting hand on people’s shoulders, backs, and thighs.

Kihyun is a touchy person if he’s the one to initiate contact, but if it’s returned or if someone else initiates it first, Kihyun tends to shy away. Kihyun isn’t adverse to physical affection, he just doesn’t like it that much.

When it comes to the members, though, Kihyun doesn’t care as much. Especially after years of living together and constantly being around one another, Kihyun has gotten used to it.

Physical touch is low on Kihyun’s list of love languages. It might not be confirmed, but Minhyuk would bet his left arm that Kihyun’s main love language is gift giving.

It makes sense when you think about how often Kihyun likes to flex his wallet.

And this is what Minhyuk thinks Kihyun’s problem is when it comes to romance. Kihyun likes to give. He’ll get flowers for the members on their birthdays, even making sure that they’re colors that they like. He’ll volunteer to buy the staff coffee and food. He lets his parents use his credit card for whatever they need. It’s how Kihyun shows that he cares.

When Kihyun spends money on others, it’s because he wants to. He doesn’t think much of it. And that’s the problem. Minhyuk knows that Kihyun spends money because he cares. That’s how he shows love, but Kihyun doesn’t realize it. He likes to give and so he does - Kihyun thinks it’s that simple and matter of fact.

Kihyun is a strong believer that money can’t buy you happiness or love. But what he doesn’t realize is that it’s the intention that counts. Kihyun isn’t trying to bribe anyone, he just wants to make sure they’re well taken care of and happy. And that’s romantic.

Kihyun likes to do things for others. He likes to help and Minhyuk suspects that it’s partially because he wants to be useful. Kihyun isn’t the type to sit still when he could be doing something. It’s why he fidgets and why he’s so eager to get up out of his seat and move. It’s why his first thought is to clean the fridge when it’s dirty even though they just got back from a long trip. Kihyun is the type of person to do things immediately rather than wait. And he especially likes to help whenever someone needs it.

Kihyun is a gentleman. He’ll hold doors open and pick things up if you’ve dropped them, even if it’s not his job to do so. He always asks permission from fans before doing anything and makes sure that everyone is comfortable. When it snows, Kihyun makes sure that strangers in the street are careful crossing slippery roads. Kihyun claims that he never goes out of his way to do anything. Only that he does what anyone would do if they were in his place.

Kihyun’s upbringing and the way that he was raised shows really well in situations like these. Because Minhyuk knows that not just anyone would take care of people the way that Kihyun does, especially if they’re strangers. Kihyun has high standards and expectations of himself and of others.

Kihyun does what he’s expected to do and that’s why he doesn’t think he’s romantic. Kihyun is inherently romantic to the point that he thinks that he’s just normal. He doesn’t think he’s romantic because he holds romance at a higher standard.

Kihyun knows that he can romance his friends and his family - that doing nice things for the people you love can be considered romantic. He tries, but Kihyun thinks romance is more than that. Kihyun has grown over the years to be more open with his feelings and with showing the people he loves that he loves him. He feels like he’s only just begun. Being romantic is a level that he's not at yet, but a goal he’s working towards. He just doesn’t realize that he has surpassed that stage a long time ago.

In the same way that Kihyun tries to be worthy of the name God of Kpop, Kihyun tries to be worthy of being called romantic. He has impossible standards when it comes to romance and doesn’t think that he meets that criteria. Minhyuk has no idea what more Kihyun could possibly do to convince himself that he’s romantic, so he leaves Kihyun to his own convoluted logic.

Chapter 17: Not A Blessing, But A Curse

Notes:

Happy comeback season! REASON is so good! Make sure to stream the MV and the album on all streaming platforms. Buy Beautiful Liar on iTunes and don't forget to vote!!!

The Past

A couple years ago, Minhyuk and Kihyun had a conversation about Hanahaki. Minhyuk was painting some shoes and Kihyun was replanting one of his houseplants. As Kihyun laid out some newspaper on the floor, he read a headline about Hanahaki out loud.

“‘Scientists Discover a New Cure for Hanahaki Disease’” Kihyun reads. Minhyuk perks up at that.

“Ohhh,” he says, “Hanahaki Disease is when you grow flowers in your lungs because the person you love doesn’t love you back, right?”

Kihyun skims through the article before placing his plant on top of the newspaper.

“Yeah,” Kihyun says, “that’s crazy isn’t it?”

Minhyuk nods his head. “But it’s kind of romantic.”

Kihyun raises an eyebrow and looks over at Minhyuk.

“How is that romantic?” Kihyun asks.

Minhyuk continues painting as he answers. “Well think about loving someone so much that it manifests itself into something physical. More than that, they’re flowers! And what’s more romantic than flowers.”

Kihyun frowns at that. “But you’re dying because of love. Isn’t that cruel?”

“I never said that it wasn’t. Things can be cruel and romantic at the same time. It’s why love can also hurt,” Minhyuk states. “Think about it. It’s like ‘Beautiful’. Roses are very beautiful, but they also have thorns that can hurt you. Love is the same way.”

Kihyun tilts his head to the side and purses his lips. He diligently works on his task. Minhyuk sets down his paintbrush.

“Don’t you get it?” Minhyuk asks Kihyun. Kihyun just shakes his head. Minhyuk sighs. “Haven’t you ever been in love?” Kihyun stops what he’s doing and thinks for a bit.

“No,” he says after a while and then continues what he was doing before. Minhyuk gasps and then crawls over to Kihyun.

“Wait,” Minhyuk says, “really? You’ve never been in love?” Kihyun shrugs his shoulders. “But you’ve dated before.”

Kihyun nods, “Yeah, but I’ve never been in love.”

Minhyuk sits in shock. He thinks back to previous conversations they’ve all had about past relationships and love. Minhyuk’s known Hyungwon longer than anyone else and knows he’s been in love a few times. Minhyuk remembers Jooheon and Changkyun openly admitting it in an interview - the one with sour candies, Minhyuk remembers and shudders. Wonho wears his heart on his sleeve and is quick to fall in love. They all know about Shownu and how he’s been hurt before and so keeps his heart close. Minhyuk himself has been in love and has talked about it publicly on several occasions. But now that Minhyuk thinks about it, Kihyun has never said he’s been in love before.

“Wow,” Minhyuk says and stares at Kihyun. He suddenly sees Kihyun differently. Minhyuk is a bit sad that Kihyun has never experienced love like that, but that also means he’s never felt the pain of heartbreak. Minhyuk wonders how Kihyun can evoke so much emotion when he sings if he’s never experienced it before.

Minhyuk also finds it kind of adorable that Kihyun’s heart is so innocent. It makes so much more sense to Minhyuk now that he knows that Kihyun has never been in love. It actually explains so much about Kihyun’s expectations of romance.

Minhyuk leans closer to Kihyun. Kihyun scoots further away.

“Kihyunnie,” Minhyuk says. Kihyun wrinkles his nose at Minhyuk’s tone of voice. It’s the tone he uses when he teases others. “You’re so cute.”

“Shut up,” Kihyun says and tries to get away from Minhyuk, but finds himself cornered since he’s right next to the wall.

“You are!” Minhyuk declares. “You’re so innocent! Your heart is pure!” Minhyuk waves his arms around to emphasize his point. He pulls his hands to his chest like he’s clutching onto his heart. Kihyun just rolls his eyes. He scoots back a bit more, but Minhyuk just follows.

“Hey!” Kihyun shouts. “You’re getting dirt all over the place.” Minhyuk had not only invaded Kihyun’s space, but he had gotten all over the newspaper and spread the soil around. Minhyuk doesn’t care.

“Kihyun-ah,” he says again. “You’ve really never been in love?” Minhyuk’s voice was no longer teasing. He had gone quiet and serious.

“I already told you I haven’t,” Kihyun says, realizing that Minhyuk isn’t going to drop the subject.

“Do you want to?” Minhyuk asks.

“Who doesn’t?” Kihyun replies.

“Some people don’t. You could be one of those people.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay. Then do you think you could ever love someone so much that you could grow flowers for them?”

“Do you?” Kihyun asks back.

“I asked you first,” Minhyuk states, “but fine I’ll answer.” Minhyuk puts a finger against his lips and hums in thought.

Minhyuk thinks back on the first time he fell in love. It was when he was 20. He didn’t know what Hanahaki was back then, but he could’ve sworn that he was going to die from how much it hurt to love someone who didn’t love you back. Looking back, Minhyuk doesn’t know for sure if they ever returned his feelings since he never made his own feelings known. He was young and as painful as it was, being in love, especially for the first time, was such a beautiful experience. Minhyuk’s entirely grateful to that person even though they never dated because he got to know what love is.

Obviously his unrequited love never developed into something as serious as Hanahaki.

The second time he fell in love, he did confess. And when his feelings weren’t returned, he felt like he was stabbed in the chest. He ached all over and although he didn’t grow flowers, he felt like his love still manifested into something physical because he actually felt pain in his body. Eventually, that heartbreak passed too. Minhyuk has experienced mutual love and mutual heartbreak, but he doesn’t think any of those loves would be strong enough to cause Hanahaki.

“I think I’d want to,” Minhyuk says after thinking it over. Kihyun looks at him in surprise. Minhyuk raises an eyebrow, “What?”

“You’d want to get Hanahaki?” Kihyun asks, incredulous. Minhyuk slaps him in the arm. He thinks Kihyun can be so stupid sometimes.

“No, of course not!” Minhyuk says. “I never said that, stupid.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“It’s like this,” Mihyuk starts. “To get Hanahaki, you have to love someone for a long time and deeply, right?” Kihyun nods. “So that just means your love is true and powerful. You love this person so much that you seemingly defy logic and science and start growing flowers in your lungs! I wouldn’t want to get Hanahaki, but to know that you’re capable of that much love…” Minhyuk shrugs, “well isn’t that just the most romantic thing?”

Kihyun is silent as he thinks about what Minhyuk just said. Minhyuk can tell that Kihyun still doesn't understand what he means.

“I wouldn’t want that. Not for myself or for anyone,” Kihyun eventually says. “Love that strong, that deep and powerful, sounds more dangerous to me than romantic. What’s that people always say? Love is the strongest force on Earth or whatever? If loving someone can result in that much pain and suffering and even death then is it even love anymore? Shouldn't love be precious and beautiful and…happy?”

Minhyuk sighs and clicks his tongue. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Minhyuk says. “You’ve never been in love so you can’t possibly know. But I do hope you get to know the experience of being in love. I hope you fall in love someday and I hope it’s as strong as it can be because I know you’re capable of it.”

(Looking back, Minhyuk regrets ever saying that to him. Because now Kihyun has Hanahaki and Minhyuk can’t help but feel like it’s partially his fault for indirectly wishing it upon him.)

Kihyun pushes Minhyuk away and Minhyuk gives him space. Minhyuk watches as Kihyun takes his plant from its old pot and places it in the new one.

“What would you do if you got Hanahaki?” Kihyun asks. Minhyuk is surprised that Kihyun is continuing the conversation.

“I don’t know.”

“Would you try to get over them or love them until you die? Or would you get the surgery and forget the person you love and it would be like they never existed to you?”

“Forget?”

“The article said that the surgery can get rid of the flowers, but if you choose to get it, then the side effect is that you’ll forget them completely.”

“That’s terrible,” Minhyuk says. “I’d confess and see what happens. Maybe they return my feelings. And if they don’t, then I’ll get over them.”

“But if it’s a love so strong and powerful to cause Hanahaki, then would you be able to stop loving them?”

Minhyuk opens his mouth, but finds that he doesn’t know what his answer is. Kihyun has got him there, he admits. A love like that, Minhyuk thinks, would be entirely different from what he’s known. He guesses that both he and Kihyun wouldn’t really know what they’d do in a situation like that.

Minhyuk thinks back to his first love. He’d never want to forget them. Love is a gift and no matter what happens, Minhyuk thinks that in the end, it’s something to be cherished. He wouldn’t want to forget, but he wouldn’t want to die either. The surgery is obviously the better option.

“I guess not,” Minhyuk finally answers.

“So then would you want to forget?”

“It’s not a matter of wanting,” Minhyuk says, “but forgetting is better than death. And once I’ve already forgotten, then I wouldn’t even know that I had something to forget in the first place, right?”

Kihyun finishes up potting his plant and then dusts the soil off his hands. He gets up and starts to clean.

“Hey!” Minhyuk exclaims. “It’s your turn to answer.”

Kihyun picks up his plant and puts it on the counter before taking out his phone to take a picture.

“I agree,” Kihyun says. “If you love someone that much and they don’t love you back, then it’s a waste to waste away. I’d get the surgery, forget, and hopefully find someone who loves me back and be happy. Life’s too short to go through so much pain only to die.”

Minhyuk remembers nodding along to what Kihyun said. Back then it was just hypotheticals and what ifs. A topic of conversation never revisited or thought of again.

At least until now.

The Present

Minhyuk frowns as he looks at Kihyun. Idiot, he thinks. Kihyun had said all those things, but look at him now. Coughing up flowers and blood all the while knowing that he could get the surgery.

Minhyuk knows that if Kihyun wanted to, he would’ve gotten it already. The fact that he hasn’t and that’s it’s developed this far can only mean that Kihyun has already decided not to. That he’s chosen death. Minhyuk can hardly believe it.

Whoever Kihyun loves must be a really amazing person, Minhyuk thinks. But then again, if they don’t love Kihyun back then can they really be that amazing? Minhyuk knows he can’t blame anyone for this. You can’t change the way you feel. Or don’t feel. But he needs someone to blame and he won’t blame Kihyun for this. Not when all he did was love.

After the initial shock, Minhyuk starts to think that he really should’ve seen it coming. Kihyun, despite what he says, is a romantic at heart. Minhyuk has always known Kihyun to be capable of a love like this. He only hoped that it would be returned because that’s what he deserves.

Minhyuk had said that it was romantic to know that someone is capable of loving another so much to develop Hanahaki, but now that Kihyun is going through it, Minhyuk changes his mind.

Kihyun was right. Love shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t make you hurt and bleed and collapse. It shouldn’t make you hide from your family and suffer alone. Loving someone shouldn’t be something you are punished for. And Minhyuk finally gets it. Yes, it sounds romantic in theory and even is hauntingly beautiful, but this isn’t a story. It’s real and it’s Kihyun.

For the first time, Minhyuk thinks that falling in love is a curse rather than a blessing.

Chapter 18: Nowhere Left To Hide

Notes:

Happy new year and happy lunar new year! I hope you've had a great start to 2023! Thank you so much for reading and leaving comments - it really warms my heart and brightens up my day!

I started off the year being sick but I'm much better now so please enjoy this short update!

Minutes pass before Kihyun begins to stir. Minhyuk peels the towel off his forehead and leans back to give Kihyun some space.

Kihyun blinks a few times, trying to process where he is.

“Hey,” Changkyun says gently. Kihyun looks at him and then turns to find Minhyuk there too. Still a bit disoriented, Kihyun moves to sit up. Both Changkyun and Minhyuk help him up and Kihyun furrows his eyebrows in confusion. He can get up by himself just fine.

“What’s going on?” Kihyun asks. He coughs a little because he’s parched. Changkyun offers him some water and he gladly takes it.

“Hyung,” he says, “don’t you remember what happened?”

Kihyun is still confused. He sips on the water and tries to remember. He remembers waking up and brushing his teeth. He remembers coughing up a bunch of petals. He remembers blood. And then…and then he remembers Changkyun. He gasps and accidentally spills water over his shirt.

Minhyuk gently takes the glass out of his hand. Kihyun starts trembling. Changkyun knows. His eyes meet Minhyuk’s and he realizes that he knows too.

“Kihyun,” Minhuk says, “It’s okay.” Kihyun shakes his head.

No, he thinks, nothing about this is okay.

“You…” he stutters, “you know.” Minhyuk grabs a hold of his hands and rubs circles on the backs with his thumbs.

“Know what hyung?” Changkyun says, standing up and then squeezing himself beside Kihyun on the bed.

“About- I have -” Kihyun starts, but the words escape him, “I have…” He can’t bring himself to say it.

Yesterday, when Hyungwon had caught him in the bathroom, it was easier to say. He had stated it like he was issuing Hyungwon a challenge. It was the first time he told anyone. The first time that he had said it out loud. The first time that he had even really admitted it to himself. But for some reason, it’s the hardest thing to say now.

“Hanahaki,” Minhyuk finishes for him. Hearing it, Kihyun feels ashamed. He puts his head down.

“Yeah,” he mutters, “that.”

“Hyung,” Changkyun says, “you’re not okay.” It’s not what Kihyun was expecting him to say. He thought he’d ask why he didn’t tell them about his Hanahaki. Or ask who he’s in love with. At a loss for words, Kihyun just stays silent.

Changkyun looks at him, eyes pleading, but Kihyun doesn’t move. Changkyun looks over at Minhyuk.

“Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk says, his voice stern. Kihyun lifts his head to look at him. “You have Hanahaki. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but this is serious. Don’t think that we didn’t see the blood. I don’t know a lot about this, but I do know that coughing and throwing up blood in any circumstance is never a good thing. Like Changkyunie said, you’re not okay. And you don’t have to keep pretending to be. We know now. You can’t hide it from us, so please just talk to us. We’re in this together. Please.”

Kihyun knows that what Minhyuk is saying is right, but he’s been doing it long enough that he doesn’t know how to stop. Kihyun closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He holds it and then exhales.

He’s not okay, but he wants to be, so that’s where he starts.

He tells them when it started, a couple months ago when they started preparing for their comeback. He tells them about how he felt so out of breath and how he tried to do more cardio to make up for it. He tells them how his appetite has been all over the place. Some days he’d eat a lot, others he’d barely eat. Some days he couldn’t swallow because of the pain, others he just didn’t even want to try.

He tells them how he didn’t say anything at first because he wasn’t sure. Then because he was in denial and was scared. Then because he felt ashamed. Then because he would rather take it to the grave than say it out loud.

He doesn’t tell them who it is. And they don’t ask even though they’re both wondering.

“So what now?” Minhyuk asks.

“What do we do?” Changkyun adds.

Kihyun wants to go back to sleep and pretend like none of this is happening, but he doesn’t have anywhere to run anymore. He’s been caught.

He sighs, but before he can say anything, Changkyun’s alarm goes off, telling them that they need to be getting ready to leave for their schedule.

“Damn, we gotta go,” Changkyun says, turning off his alarm.

Kihyun closes his eyes and groans. Minhyuk and Changkyun help him out of bed and onto his feet. They go to change and head out.

-

In the elevator down, Minhyuk asks about Hyungwon and Jooheon and what they should say.

“Hyungwon(hyung) already knows,” Kihyun and Changkyun say at the same time. Kihyun looks at Changkyun in shock.

“I didn’t know until I saw you this morning, but last night, it was clear that whatever was going on with you, Hyungwon hyung had found out.” Changkyun explains.

“I get Changkyunie finding out first, but Hyungwon?!?!” Minhyuk says, incredulous. Kihyun rolls his eyes and punches him in the shoulder. Minhyuk clutches onto his arm and pouts.

“At least you guys knew when you saw me. I had to spell it out for him.” Kihyun states.

“What about Jooheon?” Minhyuk asks. Kihyun winces. He feels bad for not telling them all at the same time, but he didn’t think that they would find out and he never intended to tell them himself. He thought he could keep hiding for a few more weeks at least, but at this rate, it’s inevitable that everyone will find out sooner rather than later.

“I’ll tell him,” Kihyun says. “Later. So don’t you dare say anything.”

“Unless Hyungwon hyung already told Jooheon hyung,” Changkyun says.

“He wouldn’t,” Minhyuk and Kihyun say at the same time. Kihyun wonders when they had all become so in sync and feels comforted by the fact that they understand each other so well.

The elevator reaches the lobby and they meet Hyungwon, Jooheon, and their managers in front of the building.

Kihyun tries to avoid looking at Hyungwon, but Hyungwon is already looking at him so intensely that he can’t help but look back. Hyungwon looks like he didn’t sleep at all and Kihyun is wracked with guilt for hanging up on him last night.

Minhyuk and Changkyun stay close to Kihyun and when they pile into the car, the three of them end up squished next to each other in the very back. Hyungwon and Jooheon are in the middle and their managers are in front.

Hyungwon turns to look at Kihyun and then hands him a water bottle. Kihyun knows that Hyungwon is trying to comfort him without saying it out loud and he’s grateful. Minhyuk cuddles into Kihyun’s side and Changkyun presses his shoulder against his.

In that moment, Kihyun feels so loved and thankful for them that he feels like crying.

Chapter 19: Jooheon

Notes:

i can't believe it's february already - this year is gonna pass by in a blink of an eye

happy february everyone! i hope your january went well and if it didn't then i hope this month is better! thanks for the kudos and all the love in the comments - y'all are the best <3

Jooheon feels like something is going on. When he woke up this morning, Hyungwon looked like a zombie. Jooheon joked as Hyungwon headed down the hall to the bathroom.

“Excuse me, I’m walking like zombie,” Jooheon had rapped, but Hyungwon didn’t laugh.

And when they all gathered in front of the building to get in the van, everyone looked so solemn. There was a bad energy hanging in the air and Jooheon desperately tried to lift their spirits. It didn’t seem to work.

-

Jooheon noticed that Minhyuk is being particularly clingy with Kihyun today. Minhyuk is touchy with all of them, but Kihyun isn’t the biggest fan of affection like that, so Minhyuk tends not to do it that much with Kihyun.

Jooheon watches them through his peripheral vision in the dressing room. He just finished getting his hair and makeup done and is spinning around in his chair. When his chair stops, he’s facing Kihyun and Minhyuk on the other side of the room.

They’re sitting on the couch. Kihyun is scrolling through his phone and Mihyuk is hugging him from the side, his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. Minhyuk is chattering away about something. Jooheon has no idea what he’s talking about, but he suspects that Minhyuk doesn’t know either. Kihyun would usually push Minhyuk off of him after a while, but he seems to not care today.

Jooheon looks over at Hyungwon, who is in the makeup chair next to him. The stylist is fixing his hair and when Jooheon looks at Hyungwon’s reflection, he can tell that Hyungwon is looking at Minhyuk and Kihyun in the mirror. His eyes are sad. Jooheon frowns. Something is definitely going on.

He looks into his own mirror and sees Changkyun pass by behind him. Jooheon watches as he heads toward Kihyun, but doesn’t get close. He kind of just hovers a few feet behind him.

Changkyun looks a little lost, standing there, eyebrows furrowed, looking at Kihyun like someone died.

Did someone die? Jooheon thinks, but then throws that thought away because if everyone knew, then he would too. But then again, everyone except him knows something. He tries not to feel upset about being the last one to know and being left out. Everyone is so sad that Jooheon isn’t sure he wants to know.

He’s at a loss about what to do, but if everyone is pretending like nothing is going on then Jooheon will pretend like he doesn’t notice and go about business as usual. He gets up from his chair and starts singing and dancing. Kihyun looks up from his phone and it’s the first time he sees Kihyun smile genuinely all morning.

Jooheon moonwalks over to them and Minhyuk joins him. They start belting out lyrics to aespa’s latest song. Changkyun starts giggling and clings to Kihyun’s shoulders from behind the couch. Kihyun’s eyes scrunch up, revealing the dimples under his eyes.

When Hyungwon’s hair is done, he gets up and joins them too.

Jooheon has no idea what’s going on and he’s sure he’ll find out soon enough, but for now, he’ll do whatever he can to make his members cheer up.

-

Thankfully, Kihyun manages to get through the whole interview without a hitch. Even afterward, when they’re preparing to leave, Kihyun doesn’t even feel the need to cough. He wonders if it’s because of how much he had thrown up that morning. It’s like the flowers need time to grow back before he needs to purge them from his system.

Kihyun tries not to think about it too much and just be grateful that he doesn’t have a repeat of this morning.

-
4. Jooheon

Later, they all gather into the same apartment. Jooheon is still in the dark about the whole thing and when Hyungwon drags him over to the other dorm, he goes willingly.

They pile onto the living room couch. Jooheon is in between Hyungwon and Minhyuk.

“What’s going on?” he whispers to them as Kihyun heads into the kitchen to get drinks and snacks.

“Just wait,” Hyungwon tells Jooheon. Jooheon’s leg shakes in anxiety. He wants to push and demand answers, but musters up all of his patience.

Kihyun slowly makes his way over to the living room. Changkyun follows him from behind like a prison guard, as if Kihyun will run and Changkyun will catch him if he does. The two of them sit on the floor on the other side of the living room table.

“What’s going on?” Jooheon asks, turning to look at everyone. Hyungwon just holds his hand. Minhyuk hugs him and Changkyun just looks over at Kihyun. Jooheon looks at Kihyun and meets his eyes. “Kihyun hyung?”

Kihyun sighs. He feels like that’s all he’s been doing lately. Sighing and coughing.

“Honey-ah,” he says, “there’s something I need to tell you. The others already know, but please don’t be upset that they found out first.” Jooheon pouts at that, but nods and leans closer.

Kihyun closes his eyes. He’s already gone through this twice, but both times he got caught in the act. Somehow this is so much harder to explain. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes to look at Jooheon. Changkyun scoots a bit closer to Kihyun.

Kihyun thinks about how he should word it. Does he just go right in like he did with Hyungwon or does he try to keep it vague so that Jooheon can piece it together himself?

Kihyun has never liked beating around the bush, but he’s not sure if he can be direct, especially if it’s with Jooheon.

“I’m…” Kihyun hesitates, “sick.” He settles on starting with that. “Really sick,” he adds on because clearly it wouldn’t be so serious if he just had the flu or something.

“Hyung,” Jooheon says and looks around at the other members who don’t meet his eyes. “What do you mean sick? Should you go to the hospital or…?” With a lack of something to do, Kihyun wraps his hands around the glass of water in front of him and starts tapping his fingers.

“I’m dying.” It’s not what Kihyun had meant to say, but he can’t take the words back.

“You’re joking,” Jooheon says in disbelief. “Hyung, please tell me you’re joking.”

Kihyun shakes his head. He pulls his hands away from the glass and into his lap. He clasps his hands together tightly hoping to stop the shaking.

“No,” he says. His mouth suddenly feels so dry so he takes a sip of water. His hand shakes so badly, he spills on himself. Changkyun is there to hand him a napkin and take the glass from him. Kihyun thinks he should’ve gotten a straw.

Suddenly, Jooheon is right next to him. His eyes are wide and his lips are quivering. Kihyun doesn’t want to look at Jooheon because he feels like he’s going to start crying if he does so he stares hard at the table.

“Honey-ah,” he says and then decides that there’s nothing more he can say other than this. “I have Hanahaki.”

Kihyun waits with bated breath. Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and Changkyun all watch carefully for Jooheon’s reaction. Jooheon’s eyebrows are furrowed and his lips are pressed together into a line. A few moments of silence pass by until Jooheon speaks.

“What’s Hanahaki?” Jooheon finally says. Kihyun can’t help but laugh. It’s sudden and terrible, but Kihyun bursts out laughing.

“Hey!” Jooheon shrieks. “So you were joking? Hyung! How could you do that?” Kihyun just keeps on laughing. The others are quick to calm Jooheon down. They’re confused as to why Kihyun’s suddenly laughing, but reassure Jooheon that it really isn’t a joke and that Kihyun must’ve had a mental breakdown just then.

Eventually Kihyun stops laughing. “I’m sorry,” he says. “It’s just that I was so nervous and scared to tell you and I thought I was dropping a bomb on you, but then you didn’t even know what I was talking about. All that tension and then you just go ‘What’s Hanahaki’!” Kihyun chuckles a little and wipes a tear from his eye. “It’s so funny.”

No one else laughs.

“It’s not funny, hyung,” Jooheon says, a pout on his lips.

“I guess not,” Kihyun says. The urge to laugh suddenly leaves him and Kihyun feels hot and cold at the same time. Kihyun meets Jooheon’s eyes.

“I’m not joking,” he says. “I really am sick. I have Hanahaki Disease,” he explains. “It’s when you start growing flowers in your lungs because of unrequited love. Have you heard of it?”

Jooheon shakes his head. “It sounds familiar though.” Jooheon ponders the word for a while. Hanahaki. He’s certain he’s heard of it before. His face scrunches up as he thinks hard about where he’s heard that before.

Oh, Jooheon finally gets it. He turns to Hyungwon and points a finger at him. “You were looking it up in the car last night!” Jooheon shouts.

Hyungwon grabs Jooheon’s hand and makes him stop pointing. “You saw?” Jooheon nods.

“I still don’t know what it is though. You said you’re growing flowers in your lungs, hyung?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun says. “When you fall in love with someone and you love them very strongly and for a long time, and your love isn’t returned, it can develop into a physical disease.”

“That’s crazy,” Jooheon says, trying to process. Kihyun laughs bitterly.

“Yeah, crazy. You start growing flowers in your lungs. The symptoms start with coughing and shortness of breath until the flowers grow enough for you to start coughing up petals.”

“Are you…” Jooheon starts, “do you…the petals?” Jooheon seems to not be able to speak in complete sentences, but he still gets his point across.

Kihyun nods, “I’m coughing up petals.”

“And blood,” Minhyuk adds. Kihyun glares at him because he wants to be the one to tell Jooheon. Minhyuk just shrugs and Kihyun knows he’s thinking that Kihyun’s taking too long to explain.

“Wait!” Hyungwon exclaims, “You’re coughing up blood now?” Kihyun realizes that Hyungwon doesn’t know about that part. When he’d caught him in the broadcasting station bathroom, he had only been coughing up petals. “What the hell, Kihyun?!”

“What?” Kihyun says. “In my defense, I’d only started coughing up blood this morning.”

“And then he collapsed,” Changkyun casually throws in. Kihyun groans and looks up at the ceiling. He wasn’t going to include those parts, but of course those two had to say it instead.

“You collapsed?!” Hyungwon shouts at the same time that Jooheon says, “Oh my god!”

Jooheon grabs onto Kihyun’s arm and pulls at him desperately. “Hyung, we gotta get you to the hospital.”

“No hospital,” Minhyuk and Changkyun say at the same time.

“You’re insane.” Hyungwon says, getting up from the couch. Kihyun gets up too. He refuses for Hyungwon to look down on him like that. Everyone ends up on their feet.

“You want to say that again?” Kihyun challenges Hyungwon.

“Why won’t you go to the hospital?” Hyungwon asks. Kihyun doesn’t know why he has any right to be angry with him.

“It’s my choice,” Kihyun says. Jooheon clings to him again.

“Hyung,” Jooheon says, “why can’t you just go? See what the doctor says.” Kihyun knows that Jooheon doesn’t know what the consequences are. He doesn’t understand, but Kihyun’s so mad right now that he can’t think clearly. He shakes Jooheon off of him.

“No,” he says, voice dark and low. “I’m not going to the hospital.” He keeps his eyes on Hyungwon as he says it.

None of them have ever physically fought each other, but Kihyun’s body is gearing up for a fight. If Hyungwon comes anywhere near him right now he won’t hesitate to push him.

Hyungwon seems to sense it too. He didn’t mean for it to come out so angry, but he doesn’t understand Kihyun at all. And Minhyuk and Changkyun don’t even seem to be mad at Kihyun for the stupid decision he’s made.

“You’re choosing to die?” Hyungwon asks, incredulous. Kihyun winces. He hates the phrasing, but Hyungwon’s not wrong.

“What are you talking about?” Jooheon asks, looking between the two of them. Jooheon reaches out for Kihyun again. Kihyun lets him. Jooheon grabs onto Kihyun’s wrist and gently pulls him so that they’re facing each other. He puts both hands on Kihyun’s shoulders and looks him in the eye. “Hyung, what does Hyungwon hyung mean? Choosing to die?”

Looking at Jooheon, Kihyun can’t help but tear up. He hates this so much. He hates crying in front of other people and he especially hates making others cry. Kihyun can’t bring himself to speak anymore. He bites his lip to stop himself from wailing as tears slip down his cheeks. Jooheon, always so sweet and gentle, wipes the tears for him.

Realizing that Kihyun won’t talk anymore, Jooheon pulls him into a hug. Hyungwon falls back onto the couch. Minhyuk follows soon after and slaps Hyungwon on his arm. They start bickering, but keep their voices at a whisper.

“Why are you so mad?” Minhyuk asks.

“Why aren’t you mad?” Hyungwon retorts and they go back and forth until Changkyun clears his throat. Hyungwon and Minhyuk shut their mouths.

Changkyun awkwardly stands next to Kihyun and Jooheon. He stares for a moment then gets closer so that he can pat Kihyun’s back in an attempt to soothe him. He meets Jooheon’s eyes.

“Can you explain?” Jooheon asks. Changkyun hesitates. He looks at Kihyun trying to see if he’s okay with it and Kihyun just nods into Jooheon’s shoulder.

“Alright,” Changkyun breathes. “There are three ways that you can rid yourself of Hanahaki. The first is if you fall out of love. The second is if your love is returned. The third is with surgery.” Changkyun pauses, making sure that Jooheon understands.

“Okay…” Jooheon says. “So what’s the catch?”

“The catch is,” Changkyun continues, “that when you get the surgery to remove the flowers, you also remove all your love and memories of the person you love.” Jooheon sucks in a breath. He hugs Kihyun a little tighter.

“Oh,” Jooheon says. Changkyun just nods solemnly as he continues to pat Kihyun’s back.

Jooheon can’t even imagine facing the dilemma that Kihyun has. Out of all of them, Jooheon is the most loving member. It’s clear to anyone who gets to know Jooheon that he’s so full of love. He was raised with so much love and grew up with so much love and has so much love from the people around him and is so giving with his own love toward others.

Jooheon is no stranger to the duality of love. With love comes pain. They’re two sides of the same coin. He’s had to learn that over and over again. But Jooheon has never known love and pain like this. He’s only now heard of it, but even in the short amount of time that Jooheon has known of Hanahaki, he already knows that this has to be the most difficult thing Kihyun’s had to go through. And they’ve been through so much.

Jooheon thinks about how unfair the universe is. He wonders how it’s possible that someone could hurt like this for simply loving another. He thinks about how his Kihyun hyung, whose smile is so bright and happy and whose spirit shines when he sings, is in so much pain for doing the most beautiful thing a human can do and that’s to love. There are no words to describe it.

Jooheon can’t imagine what Kihyun had been going through this whole time. He doesn’t know how long it takes for Hanahaki to develop nor does he know how long Kihyun has been keeping it from them, but he knows that Kihyun has been suffering all alone. Jooheon isn’t mad that he’s the last to know nor is he mad that Kihyun kept it from them.

Kihyun has always been the most private of them all. It would be surprising to people to hear this information because Kihyun seems so forthcoming. That doesn’t mean he isn’t, but he’s not when it comes to his feelings. Most people have the impression that Changkyun is the most private. And although he likes to keep to himself, he falls more on the mysterious side of the spectrum.

No one can quite understand how Changkyun’s brain works, but he’s pretty simple to read when it comes to his emotions. In fact, next to Jooheon and Wonho, Changkyun is the most open with his feelings. Kihyun, on the other hand, will talk about the most mundane things like it’s the most interesting thing in the world and share stories about their daily lives, but if you really pay attention, he never mentions anything about how he feels emotionally.

Something like Hanahaki is incredibly private so Jooheon understands why Kihyun didn’t tell them. He also understands why Kihyun won’t go to the hospital. The doctors won’t tell him anything that he doesn’t already know. Kihyun doesn’t want to forget so the only other option he has is to die.

Jooheon knows that Kihyun wouldn’t go without a fight. Surely he’s been trying to fall out of love, but Jooheon knows that Kihyun has a fierce soul and so he loves fiercely. A love like this isn’t going to fade away overnight.

Jooheon gently pulls Kihyun out of the hug. He has stopped crying now and wipes his tears from his face. He sniffles. Changkyun goes to get Kihyun some tissues and Jooheon helps guide Kihyun so that they’re sitting on the floor again.

“I’m not getting the surgery,” Kihyun says, just to make sure everyone is on the same page. Hyungwon wants to argue, but Minhyuk shuts him up with a hand over his mouth. Hyungwon licks Minhyuk’s hand, but Minhyuk remains unfazed. They’ve been friends for too long for that to deter him. He just switches one hand for the other and then wipes Hyungwon’s spit onto Hyungwon’s shirt. Hyungwon glares at him.

“But hyung,” Jooheon starts, “have you even told them?”

Kihyun sighs. So far he has managed to avoid the subject of who he’s in love with, but he can’t avoid it any longer.

“No,” Kihyun says.

“Aren’t you going to try?” Jooheon asks, gently. Kihyun doesn’t really want to explain. He never wanted them to find out about it like this and even though they know about the Hanahaki, Kihyun is determined to not let them know who it is.

“It’s no use.”

“What does that mean?” Hyungwon had managed to wrestle Minhyuk’s hand away in order to ask. Kihyun can’t help but feel annoyed with Hyungwon’s tone of voice. Whereas Jooheon was soft and understanding, Hyungwon was harsh and accusatory.

“It’s a disease of unrequited love,” Kihyun says. “It’s kind of self-explanatory.”

“Then at least tell us who it is,” Hyungwon demands.

“What difference would it make if you knew anyway?”

“Just tell us and then maybe we can come up with something,” Hyungwon starts to sound desperate. It only makes Kihyun more frustrated. He hates it when Hyungwon is right. Kihyun knows that he should just come clean, but he’s not ready to say it out loud yet. So much has happened so quickly and Kihyun has only recently come to terms with his own feelings. He’s not about to get everyone involved.

He knows how this all ends and he’d rather spare them the heartbreak.

"I can't tell you who it is," Kihyun says.

"Can't? Or won't?" Hyunwon asks, narrowing his eyes. Kihyun huffs. He doesn’t like how Hyungwon makes it sound like an interrogation. Kihyun has done nothing wrong.

"Both. Neither. It doesn't matter. I'm not saying. It's better this way," he insists.

"So what? You’re just going to suffer until you die?”

Minhyuk grabs onto Hyungwon’s arm trying to ground him so that he doesn't take things too far.

Kihyun doesn't answer. He just shrugs instead.

"Why?" Hyungwon persists.

"Because,” Kihyun says. He doesn't know how to explain it in a way that will get through to him without revealing who he’s in love with. He's already gone through every scenario and he's come to the conclusion that he's living a limited life. He doesn't have much time, but he's going to spend it to the fullest. He has accepted that he's going to die. He doesn't want to be in the hospital. He hates hospitals. And when he dies, he wants to die as Monsta X's Kihyun. That's how he wants to be remembered. Not Kihyun who had Hanahaki.

"That's basically suicide," Hyungwon accuses.

"Yeah, I guess it kinda is.” Kihyun shrugs again. He’s exhausted from the emotional roller coaster of the day. He just wants to crawl into bed and cry himself to sleep. He wants this conversation to be over.

"How can you say that so casually?" Hyungwon is on his feet now. Minhyuk has a death grip on his wrist to keep him in place. Kihyun doesn’t even move. "Why won't you get the surgery?" Hyungwon asks again, desperate for Kihyun to give them an answer. He knows that he can’t change Kihyun’s mind, but he thinks that Kihyun at least owes them an explanation. Hyungwon can guess why, but he needs to hear Kihyun say it.

“Because I don’t want to,” Kihyun says. It should be enough. It’s his life and he gets to decide what he does with it.

“You can’t do this,” Hyungwon says.

"You can't tell me what to do, Hyungwon.”

Even though Hyungwon knows that, he refuses to give up.

"I know that, but what about us?”

“It’s not about us, hyung,” Changkyun says. “It’s his choice. I don’t like it either, but…”

“I’m not doing it and I don’t have to tell you why,” Kihyun says. “End of discussion.”

Hyungwon presses his lips into a thin line. Kihyun knows that he wants to argue, but at least for now, he’ll drop it.

Kihyun feels bad. He does. He doesn't really want to die, but what other choice does he have? He'd rather leave like this than to be forced to be away from all his loved ones and left all alone.

He's reminded all too well of when Wonho was forced to leave. He remembers the nights full of anger and sadness, of pain and sorrow. He remembers what it felt to be told that they couldn't talk about each other or acknowledge each other or be seen together. The anger that he felt every time he saw something with Wonho cropped or blurred out as if he was some stranger who got caught in the background and not a significant member of their team and history. As if he wasn't their family.

Wonho built his way up from zero and is incredibly successful - as he deserves - and Monsta X continues to thrive. They've all fought so hard to be where they are and for now, that's all they could ever ask for.

Kihyun thinks about what it would've been like if it was him who was forced to leave. Could he do what Wonho did?

All Kihyun has is his voice. He doesn't write or produce songs. And if Hanahaki and the surgery don't harm his vocal cords for good then he could still sing. But could he continue on as a singer?

When it comes to memory, everything is connected. If Kihyun chooses the surgery and he forgets the person he loves, then he’d be forgetting almost his entire life too. He couldn’t just pick up his life from where he left off. He’d be lost and confused and worse, he’d be all alone. And just the thought of being alone scares Kihyun to the core. To live a life where he doesn’t recognize anyone and for everyone who knows him to see that Kihyun only sees them as a stranger isn’t a life that Kihyun wants to live.

Kihyun doesn't want them to lose another member, but whatever choice Kihyun makes will have the same end result.

Kihyun won’t pretend that his choice is a heroic one. He’s not doing it for anyone else but himself. It’s his choice and he’s made it thinking about what he thinks is best for him.

Hyungwon eventually gives up. Jooheon keeps Kihyun close and they don’t talk about it anymore.

“How about we watch a movie?” Minhyuk suggests. Kihyun is thankful that he’s trying to help. Changkyun is quick to agree. He drags Minhyuk and Hyungwon with him to gather blankets and pillows from their rooms.

They end up taking Minhyuk’s, Kihyun’s, and Changkyun’s mattresses into the living room and laying them out like it’s one giant mattress. They make sure Kihyun is in the middle, with Minhyuk on one side and Jooheon on the other. Hyungwon and Changkyun on the ends.

They put on a random movie on Netflix. No one is going to watch it anyway. They lay there, cuddled up together, just the sounds of the TV and their breathing filling up the room.

It’s not quite how Changkyun had planned it to go. He thought that it would be like old times where they would talk and cry and then go to sleep and wake up the next morning feeling relieved and with a more positive outlook. Changkyun frowns, knowing that it’s a worse version of the last time they had a sleepover.

Everyone closes their eyes and tries to sleep.

Chapter 20: Breakfast With A Side of Petals

Notes:

Happy Valentine's Day! I decided to post a chapter not in honor of this day or the anniversary of All About Luv, but because of Minhyuk saying on VSS that he had an unrequited crush for about a year and Kihyun saying on Play! that he had one in elementary for 4-5 years (Kihyun-ah 🥺). I thought it was the perfect occasion to update this appropriate fic lmao. Enjoy!

The next morning is tense to say the least. Kihyun refuses to meet anyone’s eyes. He keeps to himself and frowns at the food in front of him. They had ordered delivery. Hyungwon had silently added Kihyun’s favorite foods to the cart, but Kihyun doesn’t have an appetite. The food sits on the table and grows cold. No one really feels like eating.

Kihyun’s eyes gloss over. The food in front of him blurs together into a blob. Kihyun hates how all of this has turned him into an emotional, crying mess. His eyes are perpetually swollen and dry and his throat is in a constant state of pain.

With everyone finding out in one fell swoop and the lack of sleep last night, it finally catches up to Kihyun. All that hiding and running from his feelings and his fate, Kihyun just wants it to stop.

Minhyuk keeps piling food on Kihyun’s plate even though he’s not eating it at all. Hyungwon just stares at Kihyun from across the table and Changkyun sits close to him, hoping that his presence provides him some comfort. Jooheon hates the silence. The fact that no one is saying anything makes him anxious. He starts shaking his leg.

Eventually, he can’t take it anymore. He needs to say something.

“What about Shownu hyung and Wonho hyung?” he ends up asking. It’s not at all what he intended to say, but he was thinking it so that’s what came out.

Kihyun looks up from his plate and straight at Jooheon. The dead look in his eyes sends a shiver down Jooheon’s spine. Jooheon reaches for Hyungwon’s hand and holds on tight. Hyungwon strokes his thumb over Jooheon’s knuckles.

Kihyun purses his lips, the signature look he has on his face when he’s thinking.

“They don’t know,” Kihyun says. Before Jooheon can ask, Kihyun already answers. “And they don’t need to know.”

“Hyung,” Jooheon says, “they should know too.”

Kihyun sighs, “No, I don’t want to burden them with this.”

“It’s not a burden,” Changkyun says softly.

“I’ll tell them,” Kihyun says. “Just not now, okay? When I’m ready.”

“And when is that going to be?” Hyungwon asks. “You only told me because I saw you coughing up petals and Minhyuk and Changkyun only found out because you collapsed.”

“I told Jooheon,” Kihyun says, defending himself.

“Only because he was going to figure it out sooner rather than later.”

“I was going to tell you guys. I just thought I would have more time. It escalated so quickly and I didn’t know what to do. So forgive me for wanting to have some control over this,” Kihyun says through clenched teeth.

Hyungwon’s eyes soften. He gently lets go of Jooheon’s hand and reaches across to pry the chopsticks out of Kihyun’s hand. Kihyun hadn’t even realized that he had been clenching onto them so hard.

Up until this point, Hyungwon has just been mad that Kihyun was choosing to die and refusing to tell them the reason why. He didn’t stop to think about how hard it must have been and the emotional toll it must have taken on him to make that decision.

“I’m sorry,” Hyungwon says as he sets Kihyun’s chopsticks onto the table. Kihyun is slightly surprised that he apologized, but still isn’t going to let his guard down. Not when he’s still reeling over yesterday’s events and his feelings are still raw.

“Look,” Hyungwon says, “obviously we have no idea what you’re going through - although that’s because you haven’t told us.” Kihyun glares at him. “And we can’t imagine how hard it’s been to make the decision that you’ve made. But we’re worried, okay? I just think that we should all talk about this.”

Kihyun sighs. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. This’ll only stop if he comes clean.

“No,” Kihyun says, shaking his head. “I should have told you guys when I found out in the first place.”

“Hyung,” Changkyun says and lays a hand on Kihyun’s shoulder. “It’s okay that you didn’t tell us.”

“No,” Kihyun says, insistent. “Maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand if I had said something sooner.”

“So why didn’t you?” Jooheon asks, gently.

“Because…” Kihyun hesitates to tell them because he’s scared of how they’ll react. Kihyun had beat himself up for being so stupid to not know who he’s in love with. He tells himself that he’s just letting his fear control him and if he wants any semblance of control over this, then he needs to tell them.

“I didn’t say anything because when I started coughing up petals, I had no idea who I was in love with.”

At Kihyun’s statement, Changkyun raises his eyebrows in surprise. Of the things that he thought Kihyun might say, that wasn’t one of them. Jooheon looks at Kihyun with wide eyes while Hyungwon just looks confused. Minhyuk sits still, staring at the side of Kihyun’s face.

The silence makes Kihyun want to get up and start pacing, but squeezed between Minhyuk and Changkyun, he doesn’t really have anywhere to go so he starts shaking his leg and wringing his hands together.

Minhyuk is the one to break the silence. “Oh Kihyunnie,” he says and latches onto Kihyun’s arm. Kihyun doesn’t like his tone of voice as if he’s pitying him. “Somehow that’s so on brand for you.”

Kihyun purses his lips, not sure what Minhyuk means by that.

“What I mean,” Minhyuk continues without prompting, “is that if anyone would fall in love with someone without realizing it and develop Hanahaki, it would be Yoo. Ki. Hyun. You have such high expectations of romance and love that it’d totally be something you’d do.”

Kihyun still isn’t sure what Minhyuk is trying to say, but Kihyun can tell that he's trying to ease some of the tension and seriousness. He’s not sure it’s really helping from the way that Hyungwon frowns.

“So do you still not know?” Hyungwon asks.

Kihyun sighs and closes his eyes. He isn't ready to admit outright that he’s in love with Shownu. He can barely admit it to himself without having a full mental breakdown.

Kihyun doesn't have to tell them who it is to explain why dying is better than the surgery. Certainly, they would understand why Kihyun has decided against it, but they definitely would talk him into telling Shownu first and he refuses to do so.

Kihyun doesn’t want to burden them and Shownu with his feelings. He knows that if he tells them all of it, then they’d talk him out of it. Kihyun knows dying isn’t the only choice he has since he hasn't done everything yet, but he’s not ready for that. Somehow death is easier to face.

"I know who it is," Kihyun finally says after convincing himself that the knowledge of his love for Shownu is something that he will be taking to the grave. "And I won't name names because I know you guys would do something weird like try to convince them to love me or something. And I don't want you to blame them for this either. It’s no one's fault other than my own that I'm in this situation."

"You can't blame yourself for falling in love, hyung," Jooheon says. Changkyun hums in agreement.

Kihyun knows that Hyungwon wants to ask. He seems to be the only one wanting to interrogate him. He finds it a bit odd that Minhyuk isn't angrily chatting his ear off about this, but feels relieved because if he was then Kihyun might just be irritated enough to confess out of frustration.

"I'll tell you this," Kihyun says. “It's someone we all know. Obviously it isn't some stranger like a random barista at a coffee shop." He side-eyes Minhyuk, who looks offended, but otherwise lets Kihyun speak. "And because of that, I can't get the surgery. I'm not gonna let anyone, especially the public, piece together why I suddenly don't remember this person if I get the surgery.”

Kihyun hesitates to say that he’ll forget them too. If he tells them that it’s 100% going to happen then it wouldn’t be difficult to figure out that he’s in love with someone in the group. So he twists the truth a little bit.

“And it's not completely certain, but since it's someone we know, I'm most likely going to forget people related to them too.” He lets them connect the dots themselves, not wanting to say it out loud. Since Hyungwon and Jooheon are right across from him, he sees the realization dawn upon them. He looks down at the table, unable to bear the looks on their faces and the shame he feels for not telling the complete truth.

“You’d forget us?” Changkyun asks quietly from beside him. Kihyun doesn’t dare look at him in fear of his heart breaking further.

“Yeah,” Kihyun whispers. “You guys and countless people and events. That's not a risk I'm willing to take."

He feels Minhyuk inch closer to him and wrap his arms around him. He lays his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. To try and stop himself from crying, Kihyun keeps talking.

"And before you think I'm doing it because of our career then you're wrong. I'm doing this for myself. Because I don't want to forget them. I'm not going to if I can help it. I may not have known I loved them until I started growing flowers for them, but I know that they're such a vital and important person in my life and living a life where I don't know who they are and don't love them is the worst thing imaginable.”

Minhyuk shifts around and then he’s patting Kihyun’s face with some tissues. He couldn’t stop the tears. Since the dam has already burst, Kihyun takes a shaky breath and says, "You know that if I get the flowers removed, it will remove all the love I have for them. I wouldn't be able to love them again. Even if I get to know them after I've forgotten them, I'd be completely indifferent. And that would only hurt them. I could never let that happen.”

Kihyun takes the tissues from Minhyuk and bunches them up in his hands just so that he has something to do.

"You really love this person," Hyungwon says. He knows that it's an obvious statement since Kihyun has Hanahaki but it's only now hitting him hearing Kihyun explain it like this.

Feeling like he said too much, Kihyun says nothing else in fear of telling them everything. He sniffles and takes a breath, but then Kihyun feels the petals crawling up his throat. He swallows hard, trying to keep them down, but to no avail. All this talk about love and thinking about a world where he and Shownu revert back to complete strangers and go on with their lives in a state worse than their time at No Mercy triggers a violent episode of endless petals pushing their way up and out.

Kihyun tries to push Minhyuk aside so he can rush to the bathroom, but he ends up just hanging over Minhyuk’s lap and throwing up onto the floor. Minhyuk holds onto Kihyun’s waist to keep him from falling over. Minhyuk is grateful that he had been resting his feet onto the chair otherwise Kihyun would be throwing up all over him.

“Hyung!” Jooheon shouts, getting up from his seat. Seeing the amount of blood, Jooheon clenches his eyes and looks away. Hyungwon holds onto him and Jooheon buries his face into Hyungwon’s shirt.

Kihyun heaves out more blood soaked petals as Changkyun goes to get something for him to throw up in. Frantic, Changkyun grabs the first thing he sees, which is the vase of white roses on the counter. Not sure what to do, he just dumps the flowers and water onto the floor and holds out the vase for Kihyun.

Kihyun wants to laugh, but more petals just come out. Changkyun wrinkles his nose at the sight. Kihyun coughs a couple more times until all the petals are dispelled. By the time he’s done, he feels like a ragdoll. He tries to push himself back up, but can barely lift his arms. Minhyuk maneuvers him around so that he’s sitting on the floor beside his chair.

Kihyun sinks to the floor, leaning his head against Minhyuk’s thigh. Minhyuk strokes his hair as Kihyun gulps down lungfuls of air.

“Hyung,” Changkyun says to Minhyuk, “I’ll clean this up. You should help Kihyun hyung into his room.”

“Okay,” Minhyuk says. Hyungwon makes sure Jooheon is out of the sight of Kihyun’s blood and helps Minhyuk. He moves the chairs out of the way and helps him lift Kihyun to his feet by holding him up from under his arms.

On each side of Kihyun, Minhyuk and Hyungwon help him to his room and lay him onto his bed. Kihyun insists that he can walk on his own the whole way.

Kihyun sinks into his mattress and lets out a sigh of relief. It feels good to lie down. Minhyuk and Hyungwon watch as Kihyun mumbles something about having to clean up the mess in the kitchen before falling asleep. Minhyuk laughs at how it’s such a Kihyun thing to worry over cleaning than getting rest. Hyungwon shakes his head.

The amusement is short lived and they’re forced back to reality. Minhyuk gets deja vu when he helps Kihyun to lay on his side. Kihyun doesn’t seem feverish this time, which Minhyuk would consider a good thing if only he hadn’t just witnessed Kihyun vomiting blood and flowers a moment ago.

Minhyuk and Hyungwon return to the front room where Changkyun has adorned gloves up to his elbows and a mask and face shield. He is clearly disgusted as he attempts to clean. The sight would be funny if not for the fact that the floor and his gloves were stained red with Kihyun’s blood.

Minhyuk navigates around Changkyun to get a glass of water to leave beside Kihyun’s bed as Hyungwon goes to comfort Jooheon.

Changkyun manages to clean up the mess and pours more than enough disinfectant all over the floor just to make sure it’s clean. Although it’s spotless now, Changkyun still wrinkles his nose when he looks at the floor. He won’t be walking anywhere near that spot because he’ll always see Kihyun vomiting blood now.

-

With Kihyun asleep, the others gather in the living room to talk.

Hyungwon sighs. “Hearing Kihyun say that…” He shakes his head. “He’s really in love.”

Jooheon frowns, “I never thought it would be like this. Kihyun hyung falling in love should be something to be celebrated. It shouldn’t be so painful.”

“What do we do?” Changkyun asks quietly. They all turn to look at Minhyuk.

“Why are you all looking at me?” he asks, eyes wide. Hyungwon shrugs in response.

“You’re the oldest here hyung” Jooheon says. “And you and Kihyun hyung are basically twins - 93 liners born in November and all that.”

“That doesn’t mean anything!” Minhyuk exclaims, only to be shushed by Changkyun because Kihyun is asleep and he needs all the rest he can get. Minhyuk looks a bit sheepish as he lowers his voice to a whisper. “There’s nothing we can do. Kihyun has already made his decision and we have to respect that.”

The room is silent as they take in the reality of the situation.

Jooheon wants to argue but knows that what Minhyuk said is right.

Hyungwon wants to be angry but the fight left him as soon as Kihyun started throwing up blood.

Changkyun wants to fix it but he knows that there’s nothing he can do.

Minhyuk wishes he could comfort and console them but knows that anything he says is futile.

All they can do is accept Kihyun’s choice, even if it's not what any of them want to do.

Chapter 21: Not Alone

Kihyun continues throwing up blood stained petals. Hunched over the toilet and eyes watering, Kihyun’s vision blurs, making the petals look completely red. Kihyun thinks it’s better to look at them like that. As if they were never white to begin with. He knows it’s only a matter of time before they’re completely soaked in his blood anyway.

As Kihyun is getting up, someone knocks on the door. Immediately Kihyun knows who it is. He closes his eyes and groans. He wishes he could just sit back on the ground and take a nap just to have a little bit of time alone.

Changkyun pokes his head in through a crack in the door.

“You okay, hyung?” he asks. He and Kihyun both know the answer to that question and yet Changkyun always asks and Kihyun always answers the same.

“Yeah,” Kihyun says, flushing the petals and wiping the blood from his lips.

Changkyun waits in the doorway as Kihyun washes up. He holds the door open for Kihyun and offers him a water bottle. Kihyun takes it. He twists the cap off, barely needing any strength because Changkyun has already loosened it for him.

Kihyun wants to be grateful, but he’s more frustrated than anything. He can open a water bottle by himself, but Changkyun keeps opening them for him. He’s dying, not incompetent.

Changkyun follows him back to the stage where they’re rehearsing for a show and Kihyun desperately wants to be alone.

For the past couple of days, the others have been hovering around him as if he’s going to drop dead any moment. He knows that they mean well, but it’s not making him feel any better.

Minhyuk monitors him with hawk eyes whenever they have to sing. He reminds Kihyun that he doesn’t have to sing so hard during rehearsals and he shouldn’t be talking all too much either to take care of his voice. Kihyun knows that he has a tendency to overdo it sometimes and Minhyuk is just keeping him in check, but hearing it every single time is starting to really get on his nerves.

Jooheon clings to him, which isn’t that bad, except for the fact that he keeps looking at Kihyun with those eyes - as if Kihyun’s already dead and he’s in mourning. It makes Kihyun have to face his mortality and that really isn’t helping.

Hyungwon is behind him everywhere they go. Their height difference has never actually bothered him, but now he feels a bit bitter with the way that he looms over him. And with the knowledge that Hyungwon is staying close because he’s expecting Kihyun to faint at some point makes Kihyun anxious. Knowing that he’s there to support him should make him feel reassured, but instead it only makes him feel suffocated.

Changkyun follows him around like a lost puppy. Or Kihyun guesses he’s more like a lost kitten. He doesn’t say much, but he’s always there to offer Kihyun water. All the time. Kihyun feels like if he only breathes then Changkyun will think that he’s about to have a coughing fit. Every time, without fail, Changkyun is by his side, tapping him on the shoulder and offering him a water bottle. Kihyun feels like he’s gonna drown first before he’ll succumb to the Hanahaki.

Kihyun knows that he’s dying, but he hates that everyone is treating him like he’s dying. Is it too much to ask for them to not treat him any differently? Kihyun knows that he’s not being logical, but he can’t help the way that he feels. This is why he didn’t want to tell them about his Hanahaki.

Despite feeling frustrated with their behavior, Kihyun is overwhelmed with remorse. He doesn’t want to cause them any pain and he certainly doesn’t want them to fuss over him all the time. Kihyun can’t get a moment alone and he wants to feel comforted by their presence, but it’s just stressing him out. He feels like he can’t breathe around them and he can’t tell if he’s about to throw up more flowers and blood or if it’s due to his anxiety. Or both.

Kihyun thinks about how safe he felt crying in Shownu’s arms and wishes that he was here. But at the same time, Kihyun wants to be as far away from Shownu as possible. He refuses to let Shownu know, but with the others knowing about his Hanahaki, Shownu is bound to find out eventually.

Kihyun grimaces at the memory of how they found out. Getting caught throwing up petals and blood is not how Kihyun wants Shownu to find out, but he doesn’t know how he’ll be able to say it himself without any prompting.

Ever since Shownu had found him crying backstage, he has been texting and calling Kihyun more often to check if he’s okay. Kihyun has stopped responding because he can’t bring himself to lie anymore.

Kihyun knows that he’ll have to tell him eventually - about his Hanahaki, not his feelings - and with the need to run away from the others, Kihyun thinks it’s only a matter of time before he breaks.

And when he does, he doesn’t know if he’d be able to continue keeping his feelings to himself. When it comes to Shownu, Kihyun is weak. That’s why he’s avoiding him.

Kihyun knows he can’t avoid him forever. They’re supposed to meet up on the weekend and Kihyun knows that Minhyuk is planning something. As supportive as he’s been about Kihyun’s choice, Kihyun knows that Minhyuk wouldn’t sit back and do nothing. Kihyun knows that it’s coming. That it’s inevitable, but unlike his death, he knows the deadline. He has a few days before Shownu will know and until then, Kihyun just needs some time alone.

But with everyone hovering around him and their schedules keeping them booked and busy, he can’t. Before they knew about his Hanahaki, Kihyun would’ve given anything to constantly be distracted by his members and work. Now Kihyun would much rather be alone.

Chapter 22: Wonho

Notes:

I was holding off on posting this chapter but I couldn't keep it to myself anymore 😭

Wonho finds out before they’re meant to meet. It’s completely by accident and it’s all Hyungwon’s fault.

Kihyun’s condition hasn’t gotten much worse. He’s still coughing up bloody petals, but it hasn’t progressed to full flowers yet. In some ways, Kihyun actually prefers the blood. Before, he would have random coughing fits throughout the day and have to hide the petals. But now, he throws up petals and blood in the morning and then for the rest of the day, he’ll only have a sore throat.

It’s much easier to hide this way. He doesn’t need to suspiciously sneak off to the bathroom or find creative ways to hide the petals when he has to cough up into his hand. It’s a one and done sort of thing every morning.

It’s worse than the coughing. And extremely painful, but it’s more convenient. Kihyun’s not particularly fond of the sight of his own blood, but he’s getting used to it.

-

Even though they just made a comeback, Hyungwon is already working on a new song. He spends a lot of time in his own studio. After the sleepover, he hasn’t seen much of Kihyun. He’s not avoiding him. They just haven’t hung out lately. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

He throws himself into his work and tries not to think about Kihyun dying. His song turns melancholy and sad.

When Wonho texts him, asking about how his song is coming along, Hyungwon almost doesn’t respond. He can’t stand the guilt of Wonho not knowing that Kihyun is dying. They’ve been discussing their new music for a while now and if Hyungwon doesn’t say anything, then Wonho would be suspicious, so he responds.

Hyungwon tells Wonho about how his song has taken a different direction and Wonho asks him to send it to him so he can listen. Hyungwon sends him the file and then they chat a little bit more before Hyungwon has to go.

Hyungwon hosts Idol Radio with Jooheon and doesn’t check his phone until after they’re done. When he looks, he finds his phone has died. He can’t remember when he last charged it, but thinks nothing of it.

When they get home, Hyungwon plugs his phone in to charge and then goes to take a shower. Afterward, he turns his phone on and is shocked by the endless notifications from Wonho that come in. There’s so many that it makes his phone glitch. He can’t unlock his phone so he just leaves it.

Concerned because of the amount of times Wonho had called and texted, Hyungwon gets out of bed and goes over to Jooheon’s room.

“Jagiya,” he says, opening Jooheon’s door. He was lying in bed, looking through his phone with earbuds in. Seeing the light from the hall come into his room, Jooheon takes his earbuds out.

“Hm?” Jooheon responds.

“Did Hoseok hyung text or call you?”

“No, why?”

“He called me like twenty times and sent me like a hundred texts,” Hyungwon says, letting himself into Jooheon’s room and sitting on his bed.

“About what?” Johheon asks and sits up. Hyungwon shakes his head.

“I don’t know. My phone won’t let me do anything.”

“Here,” Jooheon says, giving Hyungwon his phone. “Use mine and call him back.”

“Thanks.” Hyungwon takes Jooheon’s phone and calls Wonho. It rings through to his voicemail. Hyungwon hangs up and calls again. Hyungwon thinks he’s not going to pick up again when he does.

“Joohoneyyy,” he answers.

“It’s me,” Hyungwon says. Wonho’s voice immediately changes. Instead of the soft, sweet greeting he gave Jooheon, Wonho screeches at Hyungwon.

“Hyungwon-ah!” Wonho screams into the phone. Hyungwon pulls the phone away from his ear slightly. Wonho seems out of breath.

“Are you at the gym?” Hyungwon asks.

“Yes,” Wonho says. “I needed a distraction.” Hyungwon has no idea what he’s talking about.

“A distraction?” he asks, “From what?”

“From what?!” Wonho exclaims. “You wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts so I’ve just been freaking out on my own.”

“Okay, but why are you freaking out?” Hyungwon asks and Wonho seems to malfunction. He can’t seem to form any words and what comes out of his mouth is gibberish.

“Hyungwon-ahhhh,” Wonho whines, “Kihyunnie has Hanahaki!!!” Hyungwon almost drops the phone in shock.

“How do you know that?” Hyungwon demands. Wonho laughs, but it sounds hysterical.

“The file you sent me,” he says. “It wasn’t your song.”

“What?” Hyungwon tries to unlock his phone to check, but it still won’t let him.

“Yeah,” Wonho says. “You sent me a video file, although I didn’t really see much. It was mostly a black screen and you were talking to Kihyun. I wasn’t going to listen, but…well I was curious…”

Hyungwon’s mouth hangs open like a fish. Looking back, Hyungwon feels stupid for not deleting the video file from when he found out about Kihyun’s Hanahaki. Any reason he made to keep it sounds so dumb now, but he can’t take it back.

Jooheon, who was eavesdropping from beside him, leans over and closes his mouth. Hyungwon can’t seem to say anything so Jooheon takes the phone from him.

“Hyung!” he says into the phone.

“Oh! Honey-ah!” His voice sounds strange. Jooheon can tell that Wonho is acting shifty because he doesn’t know that Jooheon already knows about Kihyun.

“Hyung,” he says, “I know about Kihyun too.”

Wonho sighs in relief, “Oh good. I thought I’d have to pretend like I didn’t know anything.” He pauses. “Wait! Does everyone know?”

“Yeah,” Jooheon says. “Hyungwon hyung found out first.”

“Kihyun told Hyungwon first?”

“Yeah…well he kinda found out so Kihyun hyung had no other choice but to tell him. Kihyun hyung really only told me. Minhyuk hyung and Changkyunnie found out on their own too.”

“And no one told me?!?!”

Hyungwon, finally shaken out of his stupor, takes the phone back. If they didn’t live with their manager, Hyungwon would’ve put it on speaker phone.

“Hyung, it’s not our place to say anything. We told Kihyun that he should tell you and Shownu hyung, but he kept refusing. Said that he didn’t want to bother you guys.”

“Wait, hold on. Hyunwoo doesn’t know? And what does he mean ‘not bother us’? He’s dying!!! When were we going to find out? When he’s on his deathbed? Or worse! At his funeral?”

Hyungwon rubs his temple. This isn’t how he thought he would be spending his night.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him, hyung. But Kihyun won’t listen to me. That stubborn bastard.” Hyungwon says.

“Kihyun would listen to Hyunwoo,” Wonho says. Hyungwon hadn’t thought about that. It makes sense that Kihyun would hold off from telling Shownu because he knows that Shownu is the only one who can talk reason into him.

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of that,” Hyungwon says.

“Should we tell him?” Jooheon asks.

Wonho says “yes” the same time Hyungwon says “no.”

“Why?” Wonho asks.

“Because Kihyun asked us not to. Don’t get me wrong, hyung, I still think Kihyun is stupid, but it’s his life and so it’s his choice who to tell.”

“You told me.”

“That was an accident!” Hyungwon exclaims, indignant.

Wonho laughs. “Okay,” he says. “I won’t tell Hyunwoo. But I’m gonna talk to Kihyunie.”

“No, hyung!” Hyungwon says. “If you talk to him then he’ll know I was the one who let it slip and then he’ll kill me!”

“He doesn’t need to know how I know.”

“You can’t lie, hyung. Don’t talk to Kihyun.”

“Hyungwon-ah,” Wonho says. “If Kihyunie’s dying, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t know about it. And maybe I can convince him.”

“You can try,” Hyungwon says, doubtful.

“I believe in you, hyung!” Jooheon adds. “Please don’t let him die.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Wonho says. He pauses, “You know what? I’m gonna talk to him right now.”

“Wait!” Hyungwon shouts, but Wonho has already hung up.

Hyungwon and Jooheon stare at each other with wide eyes.

“Shit,” Hyungwon says. Hyungwon tries calling Wonho again, but it just keeps ringing.

“You don’t think he meant that he’s coming over to talk right?” Jooheon asks.

“Well he’s certainly not calling, considering the fact that his phone still rings through.”

“Oh no,” Jooheon says.

“If Kihyun comes looking for me, I’m not here,” Hyungwon says and goes to hide in his room. Jooheon follows him.

“Maybe we should go over there too.”

“Uh uh,” Hyungwon shakes his head. “Then he’ll know for sure we were involved.”

“Then we can wait for a bit and then go over to see what happened.”

“Yeah, okay.” Hyungwon agrees.

Chapter 23: Come Over Tonight

Summary:

I honestly never thought that I would get so far with this fic but here I am. And here you are, reading it. Thanks for being here. Seriously. It means a lot.

When Wonho shows up at their door unexpectedly, Changkyun is the one to open it. Minhyuk is in his room and Kihyun is in the kitchen. Changkyun had been heading out to pick up some stuff from the store when he opened the door and Wonho was just there.

Clad in a large sweater and a cap, Wonho tried to disguise himself, but it wasn’t that convincing. Surprised, Changkyun jumps back. “Hyung!” he exclaims and puts a hand over his heart.

“Kkukungie!” Wonho exclaims and steps across the threshold to hug him. Kihyun pops his head out from the kitchen.

“Hyung,” he says. “What are you doing here?”

Wonho never comes over to their place. It’s too obvious and people would find out easily. They agreed to only meet up in places far from where they’re expected to be. It was terrible to have secret rendez-vous like they were doing something wrong, but if the public saw them hanging out with each other again, nothing good would come out of it.

Changkyun quickly shuts the door before someone walks by and sees Wonho there.

Kihyun walks out to meet Wonho. Wonho instantly pulls him into a bone crushing hug. Startled, Kihyun chuckles. “We saw each other a couple weeks ago,” he manages to say even though he’s being squished.

Wonho doesn’t want to be reminded that he had seen Kihyun and had no idea that he was dying. He gives Kihyun another squeeze before pulling away. He puts his hands on Kihyun’s shoulders and just looks at him.

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “Um… hyung, stop staring.”

Wonho can see the bags under Kihyun’s eyes. He’s pale. Wonho thinks about Kihyun suffering all alone and it makes his eyes well up. His lip starts to quiver.

“Hyung…” he says. Wonho bursts into tears. No one knows what’s going on.

Kihyun pulls Wonho back into a hug and awkwardly pats his back. Wonho buries his head into Kihyun’s neck. Kihyun pokes his head over Wonho’s shoulder. He meets Changkyun’s eyes and mouths “What’s with him?”

Changkyun just shrugs his shoulders. Kihyun guides Wonho to the couch to sit. Changkyun sits behind Wonho and pats his back. Hearing Wonho’s wails, Minhyuk finally comes out of his room.

It’s not at all what he was expecting. Surprised, he starts gesturing and mouthing to Changkyun. Changkyun just keeps mouthing “I don’t know” back at him.

Eventually, Wonho stops crying. He pulls away from the hug. Minhyuk hands him some tissues.

“Hyung…” Minhyuk starts, “what’s wrong?”

Wonho wipes at his eyes and then blows his nose. He clutches the tissue in his hands and looks at Kihyun.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he says, his voice quiet. It takes a moment for Kihyun to understand, but when he does, he feels like crying too.

Minhyuk and Changkyun understand and gesture to one another to leave Wonho and Kihyun alone. Minhyuk goes back to his room and Changkyun follows him.

-

“How did you find out?” Kihyun says.

Wonho hesitates. He doesn’t want to throw Hyungwon under the bus so he avoids answering the question.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he says instead.

Kihyun doesn’t really know what to say. He’s so tired. Earlier, he had coughed so much. Petals seemed to be stuck in his throat and nothing could get them out. He’d only coughed up blood and it still hurts. He swallows. He feels a lump in his throat. He doesn’t know if it’s the petals or if it’s because he'd rather not have this conversation again.

He thinks he really should’ve told everyone at the same time. Kihyun shakes his head.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” is what he settles on saying. He and Wonho both know that it’s bullshit.

“You know it’s not a bother. You can always talk to me. Especially about something like this.”

Kihyun doesn’t know what to say so he just shrugs.

“Kihyunnie,” Wonho says. He can feel his eyes sting with tears again. “You’re dying.”

Kihyun sniffles and then he’s crying. He wipes his tears away. Suddenly, Kihyun’s angry. He’s so sick of crying and people telling him what he already knows. Wonho reaches out to comfort him, but Kihyun pulls away.

He stands up. His hands are clenched into fists at his side.

“Stop it.” Kihyun says. He’s not yelling, but his tone makes chills run down Wonho’s spine. Wonho gets up too, but keeps his distance.

Wonho watches as Kihyun’s body trembles. Kihyun clenches and unclenches his hands and then lets out a breath. The fight in him seems to leave all at once. Tears slip from his eyes and he wipes them away.

“I can’t keep doing this,” Kihyun says. “It’s too much. I’m so tired. I’m so tired, hyung.”

Wonho waits patiently for Kihyun to say whatever he needs to say.

“I-” Kihyun sniffles. “I don’t understand. What did I ever do to deserve this?” he asks. Wonho knows he’s not asking because he wants an answer. “And- why are my feelings the cause of all this pain? All I did was love, hyung. Is that so wrong?”

“No,” Wonho says, shaking his head. “There’s nothing wrong with loving someone, Kihyunnie.”

“Then why?!” Kihyun can’t help, but raise his voice. “Why is this happening to me?”

-

In the other room, Minhyuk and Changkyun hear Kihyun’s raised voice. They look at each other for a moment. After a second, Minhyuk breaks eye contact and crawls over to the door and presses his ear against it. Changkyun slaps him in the back and scolds him for eavesdropping, but can’t stop him.

Changkyun sits behind Minhyuk as he listens.

They’re quieter now, but Changkyun can still hear bits and pieces. Minhyuk slowly opens the door just a bit so he can hear better.

Their voices trail into the room.

“It’s okay,” they hear. It’s Wonho.

“It’s not though.” Kihyun. “I’m dying, hyung. Nothing about this is okay.”

“But it will be,” Wonho insists. “You can get the surgery. It’s not too late. You’ll recover and be fine.”

“You don’t understand. I can’t get the surgery.”

“You can’t or you won’t?” Wonho asks. It’s similar to what Hyungwon had said to Kihyun the other night, except Wonho is less accusatory.

“I can’t,” Kihyun emphasizes. Wonho furrows his eyebrows in confusion. Kihyun looks at him with desperation in his eyes. Kihyun still hasn’t said it out loud. He hopes Wonho understands what he means. Kihyun has been trying so hard to convey his feelings, but this is all too much for him.

After a moment, Wonho finally gets it. Kihyun can’t because he doesn’t want to forget. Wonho wonders who it is that can make Kihyun willing to die just so he can remember them.

Wonho’s brought back to an interview when someone had asked if he’d rather die with wenees remembering him or die with him remembering wenees. He had chosen to remember wenees. It’s not the same, but Wonho guesses that it’s similar. When you love someone, especially so strongly, you want to remember them.

“Oh,” he lets out like a breath.

“Yeah,” Kihyun says. “Oh.”

They just stand in silence, letting the information settle. Wonho bites his lip and starts fiddling with the tissue in his hands.

“I know you want to ask,” Kihyun says, “but please don’t. You know I can’t lie and I can’t, hyung. I just can’t.”

“But,” Wonho says, “you’ll die.”

Kihyun hates this. This part of the conversation is always the worst. He hates inflicting this pain on his family. He knows that if it was the other way around, he’d be mad. He can’t bear the thought of Wonho or any of the others choosing to die when they can do something to prevent it. Kihyun’s not entirely pleased with himself either, but he can’t live a life where he doesn’t remember.

Deep down, Kihyun knows that not remembering is the better choice because when he wakes up after the surgery, he won’t remember any of it and his choice wouldn’t weigh on him like this. He would be blissfully unaware. The downside is that he couldn’t continue being a member of Monsta X. And when he thinks about a life without that, he’d rather die.

The memory loss isn’t just the object of his affections either. He’ll forget everyone and everything related to that person too. Because memories are all connected to one another. Kihyun knows that if he forgets the person he loves then his entire life will be forgotten along with them.

And living a life he can’t remember or living one where there are so many holes in his memory is not a life he wants to live.

A part of Kihyun tells him that he’s being a bit dramatic. That choosing death is never the answer. He’s reminded of the story of Romeo and Juliet. He could never understand wanting to die if you could not be with the one you love, but he gets it now.

If younger Kihyun could see him now, he wouldn’t believe it.

Kihyun can barely believe it as he is right now.

Wonho shakes his head in disbelief. He falls back onto the couch. Kihyun sits down beside him.

“I know it’s your choice,” Wonho says, “but please, please, don’t do this.” Kihyun’s heart aches. He can’t bear the sight of Wonho begging him not to die. Tears well up in his eyes.

“Hyung,” Kihyun, “don’t do this.”

Determined that he can change his mind, Wonho turns to him and grabs his hands.

“Kihyunnie,” Wonho says. “Who is it?” Kihyun just shakes his head as tears roll down his cheeks. “Please,” Wonho begs. “Tell me who it is, okay? Whoever it is, we can make them love you.”

Wonho knows that what he’s saying is wrong. That you can’t force someone to love you, but they haven’t tried. Kihyun had to try.

Kihyun still refuses, “That’s not how it works, hyung.”

“But you have to try Kihyunnie. You have to at least try.” Kihyun shakes his head. Wonho worries his head is going to fall off his neck at this rate.

“No,” Kihyun states, “they don’t love me.”

“But they can fall in love with you. You’re amazing. Who wouldn’t love you?” The tears don’t stop falling no matter how hard Kihyun tries. He’s so loved, he knows. But it only makes it hurt so much more that he isn’t loved in the way that he wants. In the way that his heart and soul want. The flowers that he keeps coughing up are constantly reminding him that he’s not loved and it hurts so much.

Wonho pulls him into a hug and the dam breaks.

Kihyun clings onto him. He sobs and wails until he starts hiccupping. Kihyun fears he’ll start throwing up petals and blood all over Wonho’s shirt, but he can’t bring himself to pull away from his comforting embrace.

Kihyun buries his face into Wonho’s shirt. Wonho pats Kihyun’s back.

Kihyun calms down a bit, but hiccups every now and then.

“Shownu hyung,” Kihyun whispers, hoping that it’s muffled enough that Wonho doesn’t hear. Wonho pulls back slightly.

“You want me to call him?” Wonho asks. “He should be here.” Wonho goes to pull out his phone, but Kihyun stops him before he can.

“No,” Kihyun says firmly. He stares desperately at Wonho, willing him to understand.

Kihyun’s hand is shaking but he clenches onto Wonho’s wrist. He’s scared to let him know, but the words have already left him and it honestly makes him feel a little bit better to have said it out loud. Keeping his feelings and thoughts to himself has been exhausting. He’s barely admitted it to himself, but he’s so tired.

“It’s Hyunwoo,” Wonho says. Kihyun bites his lip and then slowly nods. “Oh my god, Kihyunnie.”

“I know,” Kihyun says, “I know.”

Wonho just shakes his head. Kihyun starts crying again and Wonho hugs him, at a loss for words. Wonho just shushes him and rocks him back and forth like he’s soothing a baby.

Chapter 24: Overheard Confession

Notes:

SHOWNU'S HOME 🎉

Minhyuk and Changkyun don’t mean to hear Kihyun’s confession. They’re eavesdropping, but neither of them thought Kihyun would reveal who he’s in love with.

Changkyun slaps Minhyuk’s back because he wanted to eavesdrop in the first place. Minhyuk pinches him in the side and Changkyun lets out a yelp. He slaps a hand over his mouth, scared that Kihyun would hear him and find out that they’ve been listening in.

Minhyuk quietly shuts the door and they go to sit on Minhyuk’s bed.

“Shownu hyung?” Changkyun whispers and Minhyuk just nods his head, too shocked to say anything. Minhyuk thinks about it for a moment and then he nods his head again.

“Makes sense,” he eventually says.

“Hyung,” Changkyun says, “don’t you know what this means?”

“What?”

“Kihyun hyung’s in love with Shownu hyung.”

“Yeah,” Minhyuk says slowly like Changkyun’s stupid. Changkyun slaps him in the arm.

“If he gets the surgery, then he won’t just forget Shownu hyung, he’ll forget all of us. There’s no ifs or maybes. It’s for certain.”

“Oh,” Minhyuk says. “Shit, that’s not good.”

“If it was anyone else,” Changkyun says, “then Kihyun hyung would’ve gotten it already. If it wouldn’t impact his life like that, then he’d choose to live. It all makes sense now.”

“Yeah. Kihyunie is a romantic despite what he says, but to give up everything for a love that isn’t returned?” Minhyuk shakes his head. “He wouldn’t unless that person meant more to him than that. Shownu hyung isn’t just someone he’s in love with. They’re best friends and they’re important people in each other’s lives. Kihyun would never want to forget Shownu. Or us. Or his whole career as an idol.”

“If it was me,” Changkyun says, “I wouldn’t want to forget either. That’s like starting all over again. I wouldn’t want that. Not after everything we’ve been through.”

“After everything we’ve been through, sometimes I wish I could forget and start anew. To be that wide-eyed naive version of myself so happy to debut, not knowing what we’d have to endure…but it’s because we had no idea that we got so hurt in the process. I wouldn’t want to have to go through all of that again.”

“But, hyung,” Changkyun says, “what if Shownu hyung feels the same?”

Minhyuk shrugs. “Then that would solve all our problems. But only Shownu hyung can answer that.”

“Kihyun hyung has to tell him,” Changkyun says, grabbing onto Minhyuk’s arm and shaking him.

“I think he will. I thought he’d take it to his deathbed and confess like he’s the main character in a drama, but since he told Hoseok hyung, then it’s only a matter of time.”

“Kihyun hyung won’t do it on his own. Hoseok hyung found out somehow.”

“Bet it was Hyungwon,” Minhyuk adds.

Changkyun continues as if he didn’t say anything, “Kihyun hyung will only say something if Shownu hyung confronts him about it.”

“Maybe he already knows…” Minhyuk says, stroking his chin. “Remember when Shownu followed Kihyun into the dressing room and then he came out crying?”

“Oh yeah,” Changkyun says. “You think he told him? Or Shownu figured it out on his own?”

Minhyuk shrugs, “I don’t know. But we gotta get them to talk to each other.”

“We’re all getting together this weekend. What if we just leave so it’s just the two of them?” Changkyun jokes.

“Ohhhh, that’s a good idea.”

“Is it? I was joking, hyung. We shouldn’t interfere. We’ve already invaded Kihyun hyung’s privacy enough by eavesdropping.”

“Okay, fine,” Minhyuk says, but they both know that he’s already plotting something.

Eventually they creep out into the living room to see what’s going on.

Wonho and Kihyun are still sitting on the couch. They’re hugging and crying. Changkyun is overwhelmed with deja vu. He's brought back to a similar scene back when they got their first win. He remembers the way that Kihyun had cried, causing Wonho to cry and they had embraced each other just like this.

The difference this time is that it’s over something sad rather than happy and they’re not all together.

Minhyuk makes a beeline to the couch and joins their hug. Changkyun follows.

At that moment, Hyungwon and Jooheon show up at the door. They let themselves in and seeing the scene in front of them, they pile into the hug too. It’s chaotic and they end up losing balance and toppling to the floor.

Kihyun lets out a wet laugh and then they’re all laughing. Although Changkyun’s chest hurts for Kihyun, his heart swells from the love.

Chapter 25: A Moment of Peace

Notes:

just a short little update~

please go and support jooheon in every way you can - words cannot describe how excited and happy i am for him to be releasing his solo & he deserves the world

Kihyun feels relieved that someone knows about his feelings now. He had convinced himself that keeping it to himself was the best, but he only realizes now that it was the opposite.

Although no one can help him carry the weight of his feelings, having someone know is enough to make it feel less like a burden. Kihyun knows that Minhyuk and Changkyun overheard his confession. He wants to be upset, but they were bound to find out anyway. The information will surely spread to Hyungwon and Jooheon soon if it hasn’t already.

After feeling like a bomb about to go off ever since he found out about his Hanahaki and his feelings, Kihyun feels oddly calm about it all. He guesses that it’s a combination of him finally letting it all out and the calm before the storm of facing Shownu.

It’s also peaceful waking up surrounded by his family. Kihyun had thought that he wanted to be alone, but being this close is much more comforting. Kihyun closes his eyes and takes in the moment. Times like this are rare and Kihyun plans on cherishing it. He files it away into a corner of his mind so that he can remember it later when he needs it.

Kihyun’s arm has fallen asleep, buried underneath the weight of Changkyun’s head. He tries to remove his arm without waking Changkyun, but the slightest movement stirs him awake.

Kihyun watches in amusement as Changkyun scrunches his nose and rubs the sleep from his eyes.

“Kihyung?” he says. He stretches his arm and accidentally elbows Jooheon in the face. Kihyun holds back a laugh as Jooheon just cuddles into Changkyun’s back, blissfully aware.

“Sorry, Changkyun-ah,” Kihyun whispers. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay,” Changkyun mumbles and then sighs. Kihyun thinks about getting up. He assesses the situation he’s in and decides that it would be too much work to try to navigate out of this maze of tangled limbs. He shifts to his side so he can face Changkyun.

“Sorry hyung, but Minhyuk-hyung and I overheard you last night,” Changkyun says, not wanting to keep it from Kihyun. They’ve already had to deal with too many secrets lately.

Kihyun shrugs his shoulders. “I figured,” he says. “It’s okay. You would’ve found out somehow.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.”

“No, I meant that I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You must’ve felt so alone.”

“I didn’t have to be. I just thought that I had to deal with it by myself. I didn’t want you guys to know because I knew you’d be hurting too.” Kihyun admits. Changkyun reaches out to grab Kihyun’s hand.

“We’re a family,” he says. “When one of us is hurting, we’re all hurting. Even when we didn’t know why, we knew that something wasn’t right.”

“I’m sorry to have made you guys worry. And for not telling you.”

“We’re not obligated to know everything. You don’t have to apologize, hyung.”

Kihyun sighs. “I know, but–” Changkyun cuts him off.

“No buts, hyung. Don’t feel bad. You’re already going through a lot. You don’t need to carry the weight of guilt for something like this. We forgive you.” Changkyun squeezes Kihyun’s hand. “And we’re here for you. You’re not alone anymore.”

Kihyun sighs and it feels like a weight lifts from his chest.

“Thank you,” he says and they lay there, basking in the comfort of being in each other’s presence until the others begin to stir and they get up to start their day.

Chapter 26: Weekend Getaway

Notes:

monbebes are being fed so well these days like my god - stream freedom!!! support overdrive!!! showhyung unit soon!!! kihyun performances!!!

The next couple days go on without another incident. Kihyun doesn’t throw up on the kitchen floor, or anywhere else other than the toilet for that matter. The members continue to hover around him and Wonho takes every chance that he has to text Kihyun trying to cheer him up. Kihyun appreciates the sentiment but it’s not really making him feel any better about the situation.

They haven’t talked about it since that night. Kihyun knows that word has already spread to everyone else that he’s in love with Shownu and he can feel everyone walking on eggshells around him. He wishes that things could go back to the way that they were before. When no one knew and Kihyun could feel some relief from the fact that the others were oblivious to what he was putting himself through.

Kihyun thinks about what Changkyun had said. How they didn’t know what was wrong but still knew that Kihyun was hurting. He knows now that regardless of whether he had told them or not, they were always going to worry about him. Kihyun knows that it should be a comfort to him, but it only makes him feel more guilty.

He knows that if any of the others were in his position, he wouldn’t want them to feel the way that he does, but he can’t help it.

Kihyun had spent all this time running from it and now that everyone knows, he isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do now. He feels trapped and lost with nowhere to go. He knows that there’s only one thing he can do now. There’s only one person who doesn’t know and Kihyun knows that he can’t let the pattern continue on like this.

He’s not going to prolong this anymore. Shownu needs to know and Kihyun will tell him before he can figure it out himself. Kihyun thinks about the others witnessing him throw up petals and blood and winces at the memory. Kihyun refuses to subject Shownu to that too.

He thinks and thinks and thinks until he finally decides that he’ll tell Shownu when they meet up on the weekend. It’s probably the only time they’re going to see each other since they have schedules stacked up for the end of the year. This is his chance to do it properly. He’s not going to deliver the news over the phone and he’s not going to let Shownu figure it out on his own.

For the first time since he found out about his condition, Kihyun feels like he’s the one in control. With a newfound determination, he decides that he’s had enough of running and hiding. Now all he needs is to find the right moment.

-

That weekend, they all meet up. They rent out a house in the countryside far from any eyes and cameras. It’s extremely rare for them to get time off at the same time. Nearly impossible, but by some miracle, they’re able to. After new schedules and opportunities coming to them all and having to raincheck over and over again, it’s finally happening.

As Kihyun sits at the table surrounded by people who have become his family, the liquor being passed around and food being eaten heartily, Kihyun feels the most at ease he’s ever been in a really long time. The alcohol in his system probably has something to do with that, but he doesn’t dwell on it for long.

Hyungwon stumbles over the leg of the table as he gets up to go get more drinks and everyone bursts into laughter as he just acts like nothing happened. Kihyun laughs so hard that his drink splashes out of his cup and stains his shirt. Everyone bursts into another fit of laughter.

They talk and laugh and drink into the night and one by one they start to file into the house to sleep.

In the end, Kihyun and Shownu are the ones left to clean up. His mind fuzzy with the alcohol, Kihyun thinks nothing of it. If he was sober, he would’ve noticed the others strategically leaving so that they would be alone together. In the morning he would piece it together and be upset, but for now he just tidies up the mess left behind.

The two of them clean up in silence. Kihyun gathers up the bottles and cans into a bag as Shownu stacks all of the dishes. When Kihyun finishes cleaning up all the trash, he straightens up and looks up at the night sky. He has always loved how clearly you could see the stars when you’re away from the city. He takes a deep breath and when he exhales, his breath forms a cloud that floats for a moment and then dissipates.

“Kihyun-ah.”

His voice startles Kihyun and he turns to look at Shownu.

Shownu chuckles at his reaction. “Sorry,” he says, “Let’s head inside. It’s cold out here.”

Kihyun’s mind is still a little hazy so he doesn’t really process what Shownu says. Instead, Kihyun can’t help but stare and soak in how handsome Shownu is underneath the moonlight. It’s dark but it’s almost a full moon tonight so it illuminates just enough for Kihyun to see Shownu’s features.

Shownu’s hair is a bit tousled from him running his hand through his hair all night. His eyes are somehow glimmering as if he has speckles of stardust in them. Kihyun traces Shownu’s nose and jawline with his eyes. His path leads him to the curve of Shownu’s lips. Kihyun stares and it isn’t until his mind finally catches up that he realizes that Shownu is calling his name.

He shakes his head and frantically averts his eyes hoping that Shownu didn’t notice he was staring at his lips.

Shownu lightly grips Kihyun’s arms and nudges him toward the house.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s get you inside.”

Kihyun lets himself be led into the house. There are stairs to the entrance so Shownu wraps an arm around Kihyun’s waist to steady him. It only makes Kihyun more wobbly on his feet because being this close to Shownu and slightly inebriated makes his legs feel like jelly. Shownu is close to just lifting Kihyun in his arms to get up the stairs and over the threshold of the house, but Kihyun manages to gain control over his legs before he can.

“Thanks, hyung,” Kihyun says once they’re inside. It’s warm and Kihyun rubs his hands together to get them to warm up and then cups them around his ears to defrost them from the cold. His nose, ears, and hands always get cold so easily. Kihyun does this a few times until he feels warm enough. As he was doing that, Shownu had taken the dishes in and placed them in the sink.

Kihyun closes the door behind Shownu as he comes in. He follows Shownu into the kitchen to help with the dishes. They fall into a routine. Shownu washes the dishes and Kihyun dries them, both content with just the sounds of the water running and the dishes clinking together.

Now warmed up and moving around, Kihyun has sobered up. His mind is no longer buzzing and with that comes the realization that he’s with Shownu. Alone.

When he finally processes the situation he’s in, his hands fumble with the plate in his hands. It slips from his fingers, but before it can fall, he manages to catch it. Kihyun places the plate onto the counter and puts a hand over his chest. He can feel his heart racing and he knows it’s not from his slip up but rather the fact that he is alone with Shownu.

“Nice catch,” Shownu says from beside him. And Kihyun swears he’s about to have a heart attack because he’s just now realizing how close they are to one another. Their shoulders are pressed together and when Shownu turns to look at him, he can feel his muscles as he moves.

“You okay?” Shownu asks when Kihyun doesn’t move or say anything. Still frozen and trying to calm his heart, Kihyun nods stiffly.

“Y-yeah,” he manages to stutter out. Shownu leans in closer and bends his neck a little to look at Kihyun’s face. Shownu’s concerned face comes into Kihyun’s view and Kihyun fights the urge to look away because he’s already acting suspicious enough and if he hides from Shownu now, it’ll only make him more suspicious.

Kihyun stands still as Shownu pulls off his gloves. Some of the suds from the soap sticks to his hand but he pays it no mind as he reaches up to caress Kihyun’s cheek.

“You’re turning red, Kihyun-ah,” he says. “Are you still cold? I don’t think you drank that much…” he trails off, furrowing his eyebrows. His lips form a pout and the alcohol that’s left in Kihyun’s system urges him to kiss it off his lips, but Kihyun is more sober than he is drunk so he doesn’t.

Kihyun swallows and then clears his throat.

“I’m fine, hyung,” Kihyun says. “I’m actually feeling a bit warm now.” At that, Shownu finally pulls away and nods.

“Ah,” he says, “here drink some water.” He hands Kihyun a bottle of water. Kihyun takes it from him and hastily unscrews the cap, accidentally spilling some over his shirt. Shownu laughs, remembering how he had spilled his drink over himself earlier. Kihyun gulps down half the water bottle to distract himself from how much he loves when Shownu laughs.

“Hey,” Kihyun says after pulling the bottle from his lips, “stop laughing and finish washing the dishes. I wanna go to bed.”

“Okay, okay,” Shownu says, chuckling. He slips the gloves back on and turns on the faucet. Kihyun watches him focus on getting the dishes clean. While Shownu is distracted, Kihyun presses his palms against his cheeks. His hands are warm, but he can feel how hot his face is. He can’t imagine what he must look like right now. Like a ripe tomato for sure.

Shownu hands Kihyun a plate to be dried and they return to their silent teamwork.

The dishes clean, dry, and put back in their place, Shownu and Kihyun take turns brushing their teeth and heading to bed. Despite feeling like he’ll fall asleep the moment he lies down, Kihyun insists that Shownu go first.

As he waits, Kihyun scrolls through his phone. Kihyun’s eyes begin to droop and he almost falls asleep where he is until Shownu comes out of the bathroom and shakes him awake.

“Oh,” he says, rubbing the drowsiness from his eyes.

“Come on, Kihyun-ah. Get washed up and then go to bed,” Shownu says as he helps Kihyun to his feet and ushers him into the bathroom. Kihyun goes without resistance.

Kihyun takes a hot shower that leaves him so warm and relaxed that he feels like he’s moving through molasses as he brushes his teeth and does his skincare. When he opens the door and steps into the hallway, steam follows him out. Kihyun shuffles toward the room where Wonho, Minhyuk, and Changkyun are already asleep and pulls the door open. Before he can enter, he hears the door to the other room slide open. He turns around thinking it would be either Jooheon or Hyungwon, but to his surprise, it’s Shownu.

“Hyung, I thought you’d be asleep already. What are you doing awake?”

For a moment, Shownu doesn’t say anything and Kihyun thinks that he might be dreaming until he steps closer. The hallway is dark, but there’s enough light for Kihyun to see Shownu’s features. Kihyun squints, wondering why it seems like Shownu’s face is a bit pink, but figures that it could be because it’s so dark.

“I was waiting for you,” Shownu says and Kihyun swears he feels his heart stop for a second. Already warm from his shower, Kihyun feels his face heat up even more.

“W-why? Did you need something?” Kihyun tries to keep his voice steady but fails. He internally face palms from how lovestruck he sounds.

Shownu clears his throat. “Well, not exactly. I just-uh…” he trails off. Shownu looks a bit sheepish as he averts his gaze away from Kihyun to the floor. He rubs the back of his neck and mumbles something that Kihyun can’t make out.

“What was that, hyung? I didn’t hear you.”

Shownu looks back at him and Kihyun swears he’s not imagining the red that paints Shownu’s cheeks.

“Just wanted to say good night. Sleep well, Kihyun-ah.”

It’s not anything they haven’t said to each other before. In fact, they’ve said it countless times, but with the moonlight shining through the windows combined with the late hour and the knowledge of what Kihyun feels for Shownu, it hits different.

Kihyun’s breath hitches in his throat and it takes all of his willpower to not just melt to the floor with how much he loves and adores the man standing in front of him.

“Y-you too, hyung. Sleep well,” he manages to say before abruptly turning on his heel and going into his room.

As he shuts the door, he can see Shownu smiling before he too turns and goes into his room.

Kihyun crawls into the blankets warmed by the heated floors and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

Chapter 27: I Need To Wait For The Right Moment. Wait...

Notes:

just a short update~ we're approaching the final stretch of this fic. I hope you're enjoying it thus far and stck around to the end!!!

In the morning, Kihyun throws up in the bathroom as the others distract Shownu by causing a ruckus to cover for him. Flushing the petals, Kihyun realizes that yesterday he spent the entire day with Shownu and even had a few moments alone with him and not once did he feel the petals trying to push their way up.

He thinks it’s odd since just the thought of Shownu would usually make his lungs hurt or his throat tickle.

Maybe it was the alcohol, Kihyun thinks and then throws that idea away. He is not going to turn to alcohol to remedy his condition.

Since he didn’t tell Shownu yesterday, he’ll tell him today before they have to leave. Now is the best time because they’re far away from the city, they’re in private, and everyone is gathered together.

But then the morning and the afternoon pass by. They’re already getting ready to leave and Kihyun still hasn’t told Shownu.

He tells himself that he’s not stalling and he’s definitely not hiding by tidying up everything that’s already been tidied.

Kihyun is refolding a blanket in the bedroom when Minhyuk corners him.

“So,” Minhyuk says and sidles up next to Kihyun, bumping their shoulders together. Kihyun raises an eyebrow in response and continues folding up the blanket. “When are you gonna tell him?”

Kihyun sighs and tries to ignore Minhyuk, not wanting to admit that he missed the opportunity that was presented to him on a silver platter.

“Come on,” Minhyuk whines, latching onto Kihyun’s arm and shaking him. “You know, we made sure to leave you two alone last night so you could tell him.”

Kihyun realizes exactly what they had done. He remembers them making weird faces at each other before leaving to turn in for the night, but had thought nothing of it. Now that he knows that it was on purpose, Kihyun doesn’t know how to feel. He doesn’t like them meddling, but then again he wouldn’t have been left with Shownu unless it was orchestrated. He’s thankful for the opportunity, but he wasn’t in his right mind to be having that conversation with Shownu.

“Don’t be mad,” Minhyuk says before Kihyun can respond. “So you didn’t tell him last night. What happened?”

Kihyun sighs again. He gives up on the blanket he’s working on folding and tosses it on top of the others that are already stacked into a pile.

“Nothing happened,” Kihyun says, but averts his eyes away from Minhyuk’s concerned face.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Minhyuk says and Kihyun hates how bad of a liar he is. Kihyun rubs his temples, suddenly feeling like he has a headache and wonders if he might be hungover after all.

“We cleaned up the mess that you guys left behind, said goodnight, and that’s it. I drank so much last night that I didn’t even think about telling him.” Kihyun pauses, takes a deep breath, and then looks at Minhyuk. “And it was such a good day. I felt really good. Happy. And I just…I was so happy that I just forgot.” Kihyun shrugs and then picks up the blanket he abandoned.

“Oh,” Minhyuk says, understanding that Kihyun had spent every moment since he found out about his Hanahaki thinking about it and for the first time he didn’t think about it all. “But you are going to tell him, right?”

“Yeah, I will,” Kihyun says. “I just…need to find the right time.”

“And when will that be?” Minhyuk says. “Not to be like Hyungwon, but you don’t have a lot of time before he ends up finding out about it himself and by then you’ll be on your deathbed.”

“I’ll tell him soon. I promise.” And Kihyun means it.

“Okay…” Minhyuk says, doubtful, but doesn’t push. He helps Kihyun fold up the blanket and carry out their things.

It’s a bittersweet goodbye as they gather in a group hug and Kihyun almost cries. And if he clings onto Shownu a little longer than normal, no one mentions it.

Their little getaway ends as fast as it began and soon they’re back in the city, going to countless schedules like it didn’t even happen.

The end of the year rapidly approaches and Kihyun begins to feel the pressure of keeping his Hanahaki a secret. If there’s one thing Kihyun is certain of, it’s that he’ll tell Shownu before it gets worse.

Chapter 28: +1 Shownu (...Now?)

Summary:

i can't believe minhyuk and jooheon are both going to be in the military when we get the shownu x hyungwon debut like that is a crime

When Kihyun tells Shownu, it’s not because he feels like he has to. With Shownu it’s always like this. He doesn’t catch Kihyun nor does he find out and then confront him about it. Shownu simply waits patiently for Kihyun to open up on his own.

They’re rehearsing for an awards show when Shownu visits backstage. Kihyun had actually called him and requested that he be there. He was planning on going to support them anyway, but Kihyun needed to be assured that he was going to actually be there because he’s going to tell him tonight.

It’s around 3 in the morning and Kihyun hasn’t slept since the day before, too anxious to get any rest. He didn’t tell the others that he was planning on telling Shownu tonight, but they can tell from the way that he paces around their dressing room.

Jooheon puts a hand on his shoulder and Kihyun momentarily stops moving.

“Hyung,” Jooeheon says, “it’s going to be okay.” Kihyun nods like he’s listening, but the words just go in one ear and out the other. His mind is filled with every negative scenario that could happen. Like Shownu crying when he hears the news. Kihyun’s heart would break if he made Shownu cry.

Jooheon keeps talking to him, but Kihyun can’t help but remember the look on everyone’s faces when they found out. He’ll never forgive himself for letting Changkyun see him covered in his own blood not just once, but twice.

Kihyun shakes himself out of his thoughts and something isn’t right. The room is suddenly very quiet. Kihyun looks at Jooheon to see that he’s looking at something over Kihyun’s shoulder. Kihyun turns and it’s Shownu.

“Hyung,” Jooheon says, his voice seemingly louder than usual because of how deathly quiet it is. Kihyun glances around the room and finds everyone staring at them. Shownu clears his throat, confused and feeling a bit awkward.

Jooheon hugs Shownu and then scurries away to leave the two of them alone. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Minhyuk and Hyungwon turning around and observing the paint on the wall. Kihyun wants to laugh but knows that they’re only trying to help. Changkyun must have exited a while ago because Kihyun doesn’t see him anymore.

Kihyun finally looks at Shownu.

“Hi hyung,” he says, smiling softly up at him.

“Hi Kihyunnie,” Shownu says and Kihyun’s heart melts when he says his name.

“Um,” Kihyun starts, not sure how to proceed even though he’s already planned out how this conversation would go. Shownu waits patiently for Kihyun to speak. Kihyun peeks over Shownu’s shoulder and meets Jooheon’s eyes. Jooheon mouths something that looks like “It’s going to be okay,” but Kihyun’s lip reading skills aren’t the best. Jooheon starts making large gestures with his arms and Kihyun has no idea what he’s trying to communicate. Eventually, Jooheon just points to the door on the other side of the room that leads to a smaller room where they typically go to change.

“Let’s talk in private,” Kihyun says. He spins on his heel and walks toward the changing room, hoping Shownu just follows. He does.

Kihyun gestures for Shownu to step inside first and then he enters, shutting the door behind them.

“Hyung, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

Shownu nods as a way of encouraging Kihyun to say whatever he needs to say. The silence would be unnerving if it wasn’t Shownu. Kihyun has always admired how good of a listener he is. Standing in a room similar to the room Kihyun realized he has feelings for Shownu should make Kihyun feel more anxious, but because he’s with Shownu, he feels safe.

“I have…” Kihyun starts. “I have,” he repeats. Hanahaki. Come on, Kihyun. It’s just one word. Just say it. Ha. Na. Ha. Ki.

Kihyun knows he must look like a fish out of water with the way that he’s opening and closing his mouth in an attempt to just say it, but it just won’t come out. Kihyun grows frustrated with himself. He’s said it before so why can’t he say it now?

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says softly, “don’t get upset with yourself. Take your time. Whatever it is you need to say, however long it takes, I’m here. I’m listening.”

Normally, what Shownu said would ease Kihyun’s anxiety, but this time it only makes things worse. Because Kihyun doesn’t have a lot of time. Shownu doesn’t know that and it makes Kihyun feel even worse about having to tell him.

“Just breathe, Kihyun,” Shownu says. Kihyun takes a deep breath, holds it, and slowly lets it out. His heart is still beating rapidly against his chest, so he takes another breath. And another. And another.

“Okay,” Kihyun says to himself. “I can do this.” Kihyun musters up every last bit of courage he has and speaks. “Hyung,” he starts, “I have…” Kihyun pauses and swallows. He clenches his eyes shut and just goes for it.

“I have feelings for you!” he blurts out. Realizing what he said, Kihyun’s eyes widen and he slaps a hand over his mouth in horror.

That’s not what he intended to say. Kihyun mentally reprimands himself. Hanahaki. You idiot. You were supposed to say Hanahaki.

Kihyun stands frozen, staring up at Shownu whose jaw has dropped. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. Kihyun’s mind races trying to find a way to take back his words or explain it away, but he can’t. He’s already confessed, so he might as well go all in. Kihyun has never been one to do anything by halves.

He uncovers his mouth, rolls back his shoulders, looks Shownu in the eyes, and repeats himself.

“I have feelings for you, hyung,” he says. “I love you.”

Before Shownu can fully process what Kihyun had said, Changkyun comes barrelling into the room.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he says, “but we gotta go.” He grabs Kihyun’s arm and pulls him out the door, leaving Shownu frozen in his spot.

Kihyun doesn’t resist and follows Changkyun out into the hallway toward the stage. The others are already there.

“Sorry hyung,” Changkyun says, “we tried to stall as much as we could, but we couldn’t keep everyone waiting for much longer.”

Kihyun shakes his head, a little dazed from the fact that he just confessed.

“It’s okay, Changkyun-ah,” he says. Changkyun wants to ask how it went, but it’s not the time nor the place. The stage director tells them to get in their places and Kihyun moves without thinking. He manages to end up in his correct position because of muscle memory.

When the music starts playing, Kihyun moves automatically. Although not fully mentally there, Kihyun gets through the choreography just fine. It’s a good thing it’s just rehearsal because he’s not sure he can remember the lyrics right now.

They run through it a few times, adjusting their positions and working out their transitions with the camera angles. Kihyun feels himself being guided by the other members, not really absorbing any of the information.

They wrap up and Minhyuk ushers Kihyun off the stage. They walk back to their dressing room and as they’re walking down the hall, it finally hits him and the panic sets in.

Kihyun confessed to Shownu. Told him about his feelings. Told him that he loves him. He really said that to him.

Oh my God. Kihyun thinks. He wants to take it back. He starts beating himself up for thinking that it was a good idea to go with it. Why didn’t he just try to cover it up? Kihyun knows that if he had just made something up, Shownu would have just let him.

They’re nearing the dressing room when Kihyun just stops. Minhyuk runs into his back and tries to nudge him forward, but Kihyun stands firm.

Kihyun doesn’t know if Shownu is still there. He wasn’t watching their rehearsal, at least Kihyun doesn’t think he was, but he wasn’t really aware of what was happening. He could have left because he doesn’t want to see Kihyun. Or because he needs time to process. Or because he wants to give Kihyun space.

Or he could be waiting for Kihyun. To talk and let him down gently. To tell him that he doesn’t return his feelings.

Kihyun remembers the shock on Shownu’s face. Then he imagines what Shownu would look like when he tells him he doesn’t feel the same way. The devastation Kihyun feels makes his chest constrict and suddenly Kihyun is turning around, pushing past Minhyuk, running down the hall, and bursting into the bathroom where he falls onto his knees.

He coughs and coughs and coughs. It hurts. It’s a pain worse than he’s ever felt before. Kihyun heaves and he can feel that it’s different this time.

His chest burns as he tries to dislodge the petals in his throat. He coughs and a full flower fills his mouth. He spits it out onto the floor. Kihyun clenches his eyes shut, not wanting to confirm what he already knows.

His condition has gotten worse. He has developed full blooms and that means he doesn’t have much time left. Kihyun slowly opens his eyes and even though he knew what it would be, it still leaves him shocked.

Kihyun stares at the blood soaked rose in horror. It looks wilted, the way it’s so wet and limp laying there on the floor. The red is so vibrant against the white of the bathroom tiles. Tears slip down Kihyun’s face and fall, mixing with the blood.

Chapter 29: I Bloom For You

Notes:

SOBBING CRYING KIHYUN IS ENLISTING?!?!? I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS! THEY'RE ALL GONNA GO IN ONE FELL SWOOP I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

EDIT: I just realized that I published the first chapter a year ago and I honestly can't believe that it's been that long. My mind is reeling from this. WHAT?!?! Thank you to everyone who has given my fic a chance. I really started writing this for the heck of it and then decided to share it for fun. I really didn't think it would get anywhere, but alas, here we are. For readers who have been with me from the start, readers who found it chapters later, and readers just now discovering this fic, I want to give you all of my thanks for reading. Seriously, it means a lot.

Minhyuk and Kihyun were the last ones off the stage. Kihyun was completely out of it, so Minhyuk took it upon himself to guide him off the stage and down the hall. He wasn’t expecting Kihyun to run off like he did.

Minhyuk’s instinct tells him to chase after him, but he runs in the opposite direction. He barges into their dressing room. Everyone whips around to see Minhyuk with a crazed look in his eyes as he shouts.

“Come with me,” he demands and then doesn’t wait for a response before he’s running down the hall.

Everyone just looks at each other, confused, until Changkyun realizes that Minhyuk was with Kihyun and Kihyun isn’t here.

“Kihyun hyung,” he says and understanding dawns on Hyungwon and Jooheon’s faces. They chase after Minhyuk. Shownu, who had been anxiously pacing the dressing room during the rehearsal, follows without hesitation.

-

Minhyuk shoves the door to the bathroom open and almost trips over Kihyun, not expecting him to be right in front of the door. He immediately spots the blood on the floor and upon further inspection, he realizes that it’s not just a pile of petals this time. It’s a full flower.

“Oh no,” he says and crouches beside Kihyun, who has started shaking. Minhyuk wraps him in a hug and Kihyun falls into his chest. Kihyun doesn’t seem to know what’s going on, just kneeling on the floor, staring down at the blood soaked flower.

Minhyuk wipes Kihyun’s tears, but they’re quickly replaced with more. Kihyun hiccups and Minhyuk strokes his back, hoping it will help soothe him. It has the opposite effect.

Kihyun’s hiccups become more rapid and soon he’s crumpled over, throwing up more blood and more flowers. Minhyuk clings to him, not knowing what else he can do.

That’s when the others stumble into the bathroom.

Jooheon comes through the door first. Upon seeing Minhyuk and Kihyun on the floor, he collapses beside them, trying to envelop them both in his arms.

“Hyung,” he says, but Kihyun either doesn’t hear him or can’t respond. Jooheon’s eyes fill with tears, but he wills them not to fall because Kihyun doesn’t need Jooheon crying too. He sniffles as he sweeps back the hair that sticks to Kihyun’s forehead.

Hyungwon and Changkyun stand behind them, the door shut and locked behind them the second they made it inside. Shownu was hot on their heels but they managed to stop him from coming inside.

Shownu bangs on the door, frantic as he begs them to tell him what’s going on and if Kihyun is okay. Hearing his voice, Kihyun cries harder, a hand over his mouth to muffle his sobs.

“Sorry, hyung,” Hyungwon shouts through the door and then winces when all they hear is a thud on the other side.

Shownu lets his head bang against the door in defeat. He knows that he could force his way in if he really wanted to, but he could end up hurting them on the other side. And despite the situation where he doesn’t know what’s going on, he trusts his members. If they won’t let him in, then it’s because they’re trying to protect him.

Or protect Kihyun. From him.

Shownu stops that train of thought before it can go too far.

He turns around and leans his back against the door. He looks both ways down the hall to check if anyone followed them or if anyone witnessed them all running to the bathroom in a frenzy. No one is around and Shownu breathes a sigh of relief.

Shownu can hear the muffled voices of the others and he fights the urge to press his ear against the door to listen. He shakes his head and tries to focus on anything else. He steps aways from the door until he can’t hear them anymore and stands outside, keeping watch.

It doesn’t matter who they’re protecting, no matter what, Shownu will protect them.

-

Kihyun coughs up a few more petals. He seems to have dislodged it all, but continues to spit out blood. He feels dizzy as he tries to get up. Minhyuk and Jooheon grip his arms as he stumbles. They try to get him to his feet, but his legs don’t seem to be working.

They guide him back to the floor, away from the mess he’s made and let him lean against the wall. Kihyun makes an attempt to stand again, but they stop him.

“Kihyun, you can’t walk,” Minhyuk says, pushing him back down. “Sit. Rest.”

Kihyun blinks up at him, a frown on his face. Some tears slip down his cheeks, pooling at his chin, then dripping onto the floor.

“I wanna go home,” Kihyun says, his voice hoarse. Minhyuk can barely make out what he says, but he understands.

“I know,” Minhyuk says softly, “but you can’t move and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to leave in the state that you’re currently in.” Pale and covered in blood, Kihyun would be sent to the hospital immediately if anyone spotted him. At the very least, they need to get him cleaned up.

Hyungwon has already started cleaning up the blood on the floor. Minhyuk wants to laugh at the look of pure disgust on Hyungwon’s face as he does so, but he couldn't laugh even if he tried.

Changkyun has wet some paper towels and is wiping the blood from Kihyun’s face. Minhyuk runs a hand through his hair, not sure where they go from here. He tries to make a plan of escape. Minhyuk doesn’t want to prolong the time they stay here. They need to get Kihyun out of here as fast as they can and without causing any suspicions.

Minhyuk knows that Shownu won’t ask any questions as long as they’re still at the broadcasting station, so they can deal with that later. The most important thing is getting past the staff and the fans. Minhyuk doesn’t know how Kihyun has managed to navigate all of this throughout their countless schedules.

Suddenly, Kihyun screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?” Jooheon asks. Kihyun is clutching onto Jooheon’s arm so hard that it’ll bruise. Kihyun groans and gasps like he can’t breathe.

“Hyung,” Changkyun says, “where does it hurt?” Kihyun clenches his teeth and just shakes his head, not able to speak through the pain. He tries to breathe deeply, but it makes his chest burn. Kihyun feels like he’s on fire.

“I–” he tries to speak, but he chokes on his words. He coughs, blood splattering on his palm and he gasps for air. His vision swims.

“Shit,” Minhyuk mumbles, eyes darting around the room, trying to find a solution. Minhyuk spins around in circles, looking for anything that can tell him what he needs to do.

“Minhyuk,” Hyungwon says, getting up from the floor. Minhyuk whips around to face him. “I think we gotta take him to the hospital.”

“What? We can’t do that!” Minhyuk shouts, frantic.

“Look at him,” Hyungwon says and gestures to Kihyun. Minhyuk turns and looks at Kihyun who is struggling to stay awake. “He’s coughing up full flowers. He’s throwing up more blood. And it’s like he can’t breathe. He’s in critical condition. The vines in his lungs are starting to constrict his airways. There’s nothing we can do for him. He needs a doctor.”

Minhyuk knows that what Hyungwon is saying is right, but Kihyun said no hospitals. Minhyuk stares at Jooheon and Changkyun who are talking to Kihyun to keep him conscious. Kihyun starts babbling nonsense in response to Jooheon and Changkyun’s random questions and Minhyuk knows that they don’t really have a choice.

Kihyun needs help. And they’re gonna make sure he gets it.

Chapter 30: Blame Me

Kihyun is barely conscious when they drag him out of the bathroom. Shownu is concerned but says nothing, asks nothing, and wraps an arm around Kihyun’s waist, practically carrying him to their dressing room. The others form a barrier around them to keep people from getting too close and realizing that Kihyun is unwell.

They quickly get their things, tell their manager to bring the van around the building, away from the crowd, and get out with little obstacles. Their manager slides open the door to the van and they pile in.

The drive to the hospital is quiet, almost eerie. Kihyun is asleep now, but his breathing has evened out. Shownu stays pressed up against Kihyun’s side, an arm wrapped around him to keep him warm while just needing to keep him close.

Eventually, Shownu speaks up.

“What’s going on?” he asks. No one answers. He sighs and looks down at Kihyun. His face is scrunched up in pain and Shownu pokes at the crease between his eyebrows. Kihyun relaxes into the touch so Shownu strokes his hair to calm him.

“Guys,” he says, trying again. They all look at each other, communicating with their eyes. Hyungwon elbows Minhyuk, telling him that he should tell Shownu, but Minhyuk just elbows him back. In the end, Changkyun is the bravest.

“Hyung,” he says slowly. “Kihyun hyung was going to tell you. And we don’t think it’s our place to say anything, but…” he trails off and pointedly looks at Kihyun, “we’re only telling you because he can’t.”

Shownu stares at Changkyun, absorbing every word he says with rapt attention.

“Do you know about Hanahaki Disease, hyung?” Changkyun asks and Shownu sucks in a breath. He can’t speak so he just nods. Changkyun takes a deep breath.

“Well,” he says, “Kihyun hyung has Hanahaki.”

Everyone stares at him, giving him time to process the words. Shownu’s mind whirls. He stares at Changkyun, jaw dropped, not wanting to believe what he has said. He turns to look at Jooheon, who can’t meet his eyes. Then to Hyungwon and Minhyuk who look so serious that Shownu knows that he didn’t hear wrong.

Kihyun has Hanahaki. The disease of unrequited love that causes flowers to grow in your lungs until you can’t breathe anymore. Shownu holds his breath. Maybe if he doesn’t breathe and stays still then none of this will be real.

Changkyun decides to lay it all out on the table to help Shownu process the information.

“Hyung, there’s only two ways you can get rid of Hanahaki. You either stop loving the person or you get the flowers surgically removed, which gets rid of the love and the memories of that person and everything and everyone related to them.”

Shownu hears the words, but he already knows where it leads. Kihyun is dying. And it’s all because of him.

The car becomes quiet again. Shownu looks down at Kihyun and his vision blurs. He didn’t realize that he had started crying. Tears slip down his face and drop onto the collar of Kihyun’s sweater.

Shownu caresses Kihyun’s cheek and sniffles. He holds back a sob, but it comes out like a whimper. Everyone else looks away, giving Shownu as much privacy as they can when they’re all in a moving vehicle. Their manager doesn’t say anything, but they know that he heard. Jooheon glances at the rearview mirror to find that he’s trying to stay as stoic as possible. Jooheon silently sends him a thank you with his mind hoping that he receives the message.

Shownu takes in a shuddering breath. He hiccups, almost sounding like he’s choking.

“Hyung?” Jooheon asks softly. Shownu just shakes his head, not able to hold back. He pulls Kihyun closer to him and hugs him, hooking his chin over his shoulder. Kihyun’s eyebrows furrow but other than that, he remains unconscious. Changkyun reaches over to hold Jooheon’s hand.

“Hyung,” Minhyuk says, more insistent. No one knows what to do. Shownu almost never cries and it’s shocking to them to see him this way.

Hyungwon stares out the window, but he’s looking at the reflection of Shownu and Kihyun. Silent tears roll down his face in tandem with Shownu’s sobbing. Minhyuk strokes Shownu’s back and that helps ground him.

Slowly, Shownu comes back to himself and looks up. His eyes are red and swollen and his lip trembles.
Shownu looks around until he lands on Changkyun. Their eyes meet and Shownu asks the question that’s been weighing on him since he found out about Kihyun’s Hanahaki.

“Kihyunnie’s dying because of me?”

This time, the van erupts into chaos. Minhyuk squeals like a frightened mouse and Jooheon exclaims “What?!” Hyungwon whips around so hard he thinks his neck will get stuck that way and Changkyun’s jaw drops.

“Hyung,” Jooheon says and then stutters. “How do you–I mean what do you–I mean–” Changkyun squeezes his hand and Jooheon just gives up on saying anything.

“You knew?” Hyungwon asks for him. Shownu frowns, looking over at him.

“Kihyun told me about his feelings,” he says slowly, cautious not to say the wrong thing. His tongue feels heavy as he speaks. “He told me. Earlier,” he specifies, “before the rehearsal. I didn’t know about–he didn’t tell me about the Hanahaki.”

“And?” Minhyuk asks, prompting Shownu to tell them more about what happened.

“And I didn’t have a chance to say anything,” Shownu says.

“Because I interrupted,” Changkyun finishes for him. Shownu nods.

“So?” Hyungwon says, raising an eyebrow, asking a silent question, but Shownu knows the answer.

“It’s my fault,” Shownu states, unable to keep the despair from lacing his voice as he says it. He looks away from everyone’s gaze and instead looks at Kihyun, who is leaning on his chest, hand clenched around the fabric of his sweater. Shownu holds back his tears as he says, “If I knew…” he trails off and shakes his head, sniffling.

“It’s not your fault, hyung,” Jooheon says at the same time Minhyuk asks, “What do you mean?”

Shownu takes in a shaky breath, but before he can respond, the car stops.

They’re at the hospital.

Chapter 31: A World Without You

Notes:

I was wondering when to update now that Kihyun's in the military. I miss him so much and this fic is kinda depressing and painful at the moment but what else am I supposed to do? This is a really long update and I want to apologize in advance because I I added this chapter after I had already written the rest of the fic because I felt like it needed a little more angst and drama...

Kihyun wakes up in a hospital bed. The sun is setting, casting the room in a soft orange glow. He glances around and finds himself alone.

He lifts himself up to a sitting position, groaning at how his muscles ache. His vision swims and he closes his eyes to steady himself. After a moment, he pries his eyes open again and everything seems fine.

“What happened?” he mutters to himself. His tongue feels dry in his mouth and his throat hurts. He looks over at the bedside table to find a glass and a pitcher of water. He reaches over and pours himself a glass. He downs it all in one go.

The water makes him feel a little more alert, but he still feels disoriented. His head aches so he lays back down. He tries to remember what happened. He thinks back to the rehearsal. He remembers being on stage, but can’t remember the details. He remembers walking down the hall and then being on the bathroom floor. He remembers seeing red, but for the life of him cannot remember anything else.

He thinks about his members. He wonders where they are. If they’re okay. He looks out the window and sees the sky painted pink and orange hues. He wonders how long he’s been here, how much time has passed since he last remembers. There’s no clock on the wall or any indication of time.

Kihyun watches the sun dip down and the sky turn dark. His eyes begin to droop and he drifts off to sleep.

-

The next time he wakes up, it’s morning. He hears voices whispering back and forth. They sound familiar to him, but his mind is still too fuzzy to make out who it is.

“What should we do?” he hears one voice ask.

“I don’t know,” the other voice replies.

Kihyun opens his eyes. In the morning light, everything is brighter. He squints at the figures standing beside his bed and is relieved to see Minhyuk and Jooheon.

He groans and attempts to sit up. That alerts Minhyuk and Jooheon that he’s awake.

“Hyung,” Jooheon says, rushing to his side and helping him sit up as Minhyuk presses the call button to get the nurse.

“My head,” Kihyun says, groaning and lifting a hand to the side of his head.

“Maybe you should lie back down,” Jooheon suggests, pushing against Kihyun’s chest. Kihyun shakes his head in protest, only making his headache worse. “Yeah, back down you go,” Jooheon says and gently guides Kihyun back down.

“What happened?” Kihyun asks. “How long have I been here?”

“Shhhh,” Minhyuk says. “Let’s wait until the nurse gets here, okay? Don’t strain yourself.”

Kihyun thinks Minhyuk sounds kind of panicked, but seeing Kihyun in the hospital probably doesn’t help anyone’s nerves. Kihyun just closes his eyes. He starts to hum their latest track to distract himself.

“Oh that’s nice, hyung,” Jooheon comments. There isn’t anything inherently strange about what he says, but Kihyun feels a chill run down his spine. Something is wrong. He just doesn’t know what it is. Before he can ask anymore questions, the nurse comes in.

“Kihyun-ssi,” the nurse says and Kihyun opens his eyes. The nurse is a tall, handsome man that seems so familiar to him. In the back of his mind, Kihyun knows that he knows this person. Their name is on the tip of his tongue, at the forefront of his mind, and yet it eludes him. Kihyun looks at Minhyuk and Jooheon to see if they know this nurse. Other than the fact that they must have been communicating with him while Kihyun was unconscious, they don’t seem to know him personally. Kihyun can’t help but feel like that’s not right, though.

The nurse presses the button beside Kihyun’s bed to elevate him until he’s sitting up.

“I’m going to ask you some questions, Kihyun-ssi. Is that alright?” the nurse says.

“Yes,” Kihyun says and nods. The movement makes his head ache, but it subsides quickly.

“Okay,” the nurse says. “Can you tell me your full name?”

“Yoo Kihyun.”

“When is your birthday?”

“November 22, 1993.”

“How old are you?”

“30.”

“What year is it?”

“2022.”

“What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a singer.”

“More specifically?”

“An idol?” Kihyun responds, not sure if that’s what the nurse is asking.

“Are you asking me or is that your response?” Kihyun doesn’t know why, but he has the urge to start reprimanding the nurse for coming off as rude, but he doesn’t.

“I’m an idol,” Kihyun states firmly. The nurse just nods.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Uhhh,” Kihyun hesitates. He thinks about the holes in his memory, but can’t recall everything. “I remember I was in the bathroom? And I felt this pain in my chest.”

“Can you tell me the events that led to that moment?”

“I was rehearsing and then afterward I went to the bathroom and suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I blacked out and then I woke up here.”

“Hmmm…” The nurse looks down at the clipboard. His hair falls into his eyes and pushes it back. The image is so familiar to Kihyun, but he can’t fathom why. It makes his head throb.

He looks up and meets Kihyun’s eyes. He feels like he’s staring down into his soul.

“Kihyun-ssi. Do you recognize these two men?” the nurse asks, gesturing to Minhyuk and Jooheon.

Kihyun can’t help but feel a little offended by the question.

“Yes, of course,” Kihyun says.

“Can you tell me their names and how you know them?”

“That’s Minhyuk,” he says. “Lee Minhyuk, if you want me to be more specific,” Kihyun can’t help but add on. “And that’s Jooheon. Lee Jooheon. Also goes by Joohoney.”

“And how do you know them?”

For some reason, Kihyun hesitates. He feels like he can feel his heart beat in his head. His mouth suddenly feels like it’s stuffed with cotton.

“They’re my groupmates,” Kihyun says. “They’re like family to me.” Kihyun hears Minhyuk suck in a breath. No one says a word. The silence in the room is deafening. He looks at Minhyuk and Jooheon, feeling a little bit lost.

“Kihyun-ssi?” the nurse says and when Kihyun turns back to look at him, he feels like he’s being turned upside down. Because the nurse that felt so familiar to him is someone he knows and he’s not sure how he could’ve forgotten.

“Hyungwon?” Kihyun says, shocked and surprised because why is Hyungwon pretending to be his nurse? Hyungwon’s eyes widen in surprise.

“I never told you my name,” Hyungwon says. And Kihyun furrows his eyes in confusion. He’s not sure if he’s supposed to be laughing. Kihyun looks at Minhyuk, who looks back at him in confusion. He looks at Jooheon who only looks more concerned than before.

“Come on guys,” Kihyun says. “Is this some kind of joke? Because it’s not funny.” Jooheon just shakes his head, not sure what to say.

“This isn’t a joke,” Hyungwon says and Kihyun wouldn’t believe him except for the fact that he shows no sign of amusement. Hyungwon is always the first to break despite the fact that he’s actually an actor. And when he cracks, he never stops laughing. Kihyun doesn’t know what’s going on.

“You said that Minhyuk-ssi and Jooheon-ssi are your groupmates. What group would that be?” Hyungwon asks slowly as if he’s talking to a child.

“Monsta X,” Kihyun says matter-of-factly and with pride. He looks at the others who look at each other in confusion.

“And besides these two, are there any other members?”

Now that Kihyun recognizes Hyungwon as Hyungwon, he wants to smack him, but he’s standing too far away.

“Yeah, you,” Kihyun says, his tone sharp. Hyungwon raises an eyebrow, but otherwise doesn’t respond.

“Anyone else?”

“Shownu-hyung and Changkyunie,” Kihyun says.

“And would that happen to be Im Changkyun that you’re talking about?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. And this…Shownu that you mentioned. Is that his real name?”

“No. It’s Son Hyunwoo.”

That statement seems to stir up something in Hyungwon because he looks surprised again before schooling his face into a neutral expression.

“Okay,” Kihyun says, raising his voice a little. “What’s going on? Is this some kind of test? Are we on some kind of show?”

“Kihyun-ssi,” Hyungwon says. “I understand that you feel confused. But we are only trying to help you. You have experienced a great trauma. Many things will seem like they don’t make sense right now, but please remain calm. Can you do that for us?”

Kihyun hates it when someone tells him to be calm, but the piercing look in Hyungwon’s eyes makes him want to comply. He doesn’t know what’s going on and staying calm is the best thing he can do to figure it out.

“Yes,” Kihyun says after a moment of contemplation.

“Alright,” Hyungwon says and takes a breath before continuing. “What I’m about to tell you may be shocking. It won’t match up with what you believe, but it is the truth. I have no reason to deceive you. I’m here to help. Do you understand?”

Kihyun doesn’t really understand, but he nods anyway.

“Your name is Yoo Kihyun. You’re 30 years old and an idol. However, you are not in a group. You’re a soloist.”

Kihyun’s head aches. What Hyungwon tells him simultaneously makes sense and doesn’t.

“I’m a soloist, yes,” Kihyun says, “but I’m Monsta X’s Kihyun first and foremost.”

“This Monsta X that you keep mentioning. A group consisting of all of us in this room and two others…” Hyungwon bites his lip in hesitation. “It doesn’t exist.” Kihyun feels his entire body tense up.

“What?” Kihyun says, frowning. “That doesn’t make any sense. Monsta X is us. It’s me. It’s you. We’ve been doing this for eight years!”

“No, hyung,” Jooheon says. Kihyun whips around to look at him, an incredulous expression on his face. Jooheon scratches his cheek and looks down at his feet. “We’ve never been in a group together. I mean we’ve collaborated before, but you’re a soloist. I am too. Minhyuk hyung isn’t even an idol. He’s a model and host. And Hyungwon-ssi here is a nurse. We’ve never met before you got admitted to the hospital.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Kihyun yells out in desperation.

Hyungwon clears his throat and Kihyun remembers that he should calm down. He takes a deep breath. His hands are shaking so he clenches them together like he’s praying.

“This happens often with patients who have experienced head trauma. You hit your head when you fainted. It can cause your memory to become jumbled up. In your unconsciousness, you’ve been dreaming, Kihyun-ssi. This Monsta X that you’ve created in your head isn’t real. It feels real and vivid. It can feel like it is your life, but it’s not. You’re adamant that what you’re telling us is the truth, but a part of you knows that the truth is what we’re telling you. Am I right?”

Kihyun refrains from throwing a fit. Hyungwon isn’t wrong. A part of him feels like they’re speaking the truth, but that doesn’t explain why he is so certain that what he remembers is right.

“But I don’t understand,” Kihyun says. “You’re saying that I’ve made up an entire life while I was asleep and just forgot my actual life?”

“Not exactly,” Hyungwon says, “but in simple terms, yes, that’s correct. It’s a common case that we see. Essentially, the head trauma caused some memory loss and while you were unconscious, you dreamed.

A combination of things you remember mixed in with some things you’ve heard while you were unconscious and a bit of imagination. Minhyuk-ssi and Jooheon-ssi were the last people you saw before you hit your head. Im Changkyun is a rapper and producer you’re familiar with. I’ve been in and out of here, monitoring you, so you must’ve have picked up my name. Son Hyunwoo is one of my other patients so you must’ve picked up his name as well.”

At the mention of Shownu, Kihyun’s chest aches. He has the urge to cough, the feeling familiar, but before Kihyun can place why, the feeling fades.

“Your mind latched on to the people around you and created a world where we all know and work with each other. When you woke up, the dream was fresh in your mind so it feels real. But over time, that will fade. Your real memories will return and you’ll remember what’s real and what isn’t.”

Kihyun feels even more uncertain than before. He looks at Jooheon. He looks at Minhyuk. Then he looks back at Hyungwon. Whatever world he’s living in now makes no sense to him, but if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that he can trust them. Kihyun feels like he’s been dropped into an alternate universe. And Kihyun knows that in any universe, his members are the only people he can trust so he does.

Kihyun just nods and doesn’t ask anymore questions. Hyungwon leads Minhyuk and Jooheon out of the room to let Kihyun rest.

-

The next time he wakes up, Kihyun hopes that everything was a dream. This time Changkyun is sitting beside his bed, a book in his lap. Kihyun shifts around in his bed and groans when his muscles protest.

Changkyun looks up. “Oh, you’re awake,” he says and closes his book, leaving it on the table. He stands up and helps Kihyun sit. “Do you want some water?” He doesn’t even wait for Kihyun to answer and hands him a water bottle, the cap already off.

Kihyun stares at the bottle in front of him. A memory hits him of Changkyun hovering around him and offering water over and over again. Kihyun takes the bottle and drinks.

Kihyun doesn’t want to hope that this Changkyun is the Changkyun that he knows and remembers, but he looks and sounds and acts the same.

“How do you feel?” Changkyun asks.

“Terrible,” Kihyun says. Changkyun frowns and Kihyun reaches out to take his hand. Chankgyun flinches away from the contact and Kihyun pulls away.

“Sorry,” Changkyun says. But Kihyun doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for. Kihyun knows that if this was the Changkyun he knows, he wouldn’t pull away. If anything, he would’ve been holding Kihyun’s hand first. Kihyun’s starting to come to terms with the fact that things are different here, wherever here is.

“No, it’s okay,” Kihyun says. Instead Kihyun just wraps both of his hands around the water bottle and holds it in his lap.

Changkyun clears his throat, breaking the silence. “Um your nurse told me what you said yesterday,” Changkyun says. Kihyun just hums, afraid that if he speaks, he might say something to scare Changkyun away. Kihyun thinks Changkyun seems so shy and awkward. It reminds him of when they were younger and only just meeting. Kihyun’s heart clenches. They were strangers then and it feels like they’re strangers now.

“I know you must be feeling lost and maybe a little bit lonely and I’m sorry that you have to go through this. It must be difficult.”

Even though this isn’t the Changkyun that Kihyun knows, he still has a way with words.

“It’s not your fault,” Kihyun says. He holds the bottle a little tighter to fight the urge to reach for Changkyun’s hand again. “You don’t have to apologize.”

Changkyun sighs. “I know, but I feel bad,” Changkyun says. “This must be so weird for you. I’m not the person you seem to think I am and that must be so strange.”

Kihyun looks at Changkyun carefully. Everything may be different, but Kihyun thinks everyone is still the same at their roots. This Changkyun is still soft-spoken and kind. His presence is calming even though it is confusing.

“I admit that it’s weird,” Kihyun says, “but somehow I still feel like I know you. And I do, I just don’t remember. Or I’m remembering wrong. How about you remind me? How do we know each other?”

Changkyun seems hesitant, but Kihyun smiles to encourage him and Changkyun’s lips curl up ever so slightly.

“I’m Im Changkyun, but most people know me by my stage name I.M. I’m a rapper and producer. I’ve worked closely with Jooheon hyung and we met through him, when you guys collaborated together. We met maybe a couple years ago? You’ve always been nice to me and you’re a good person. Your voice is also amazing, but you probably already know that.”

Kihyun can’t wrap his mind around this narrative and yet it feels right. It makes him think about their trainee days. They met as young and hopeful dreamers, not knowing if they would make it. But in this world, they met when they were older as already established artists. Kihyun wonders if it’s even possible to know each other the same way when they only have two years of friendship and most likely don’t see or talk to each other that much.

Suddenly Kihyun feels like he’s lost Changkyun even when he’s standing right in front of him.

“Why don’t you call me hyung?” Kihyun asks. Changkyun looks surprised by the question. He shuffles his feet.

“Um…” he says, “we’re not really that close.” Kihyun can’t help the tears that pool in his eyes. Everything is so wrong.

“Oh,” Kihyun says. Changkyun seems to want to say something, but decides against it. They awkwardly sit in silence until Hyungwon comes in.

“Kihyun-ssi,” he says and Kihyun will never get used to the unfamiliar tone that he uses. He asks Kihyun how he feels and if he remembers anything. Kihyun hesitates to answer, but Hyungwon catches on, reminding him that if Kihyun wants to recover, he needs to be honest.

Kihyun takes a quick glance at Changkyun.

“Changkyun handed me a water bottle and I remembered a time that he did that before,” Kihyun says. Hyungwon turns to Changkyun.

“And have you done that before?” he asks.

“Um…” Changkyun says. “Yeah, but I don’t know if that’s significant.”

To Kihyun it is. It’s clear that they’re remembering different things. Kihyun had been coughing so much that Changkyun was always afraid that Kihyun was going to have a massive cough fit every time he breathed. Kihyun doesn’t remember why it was so bad, but it was important.

“Anything that he can recall is significant,” Hyungwon says. “Even the little things. It means that his memory is coming back.”

Kihyun knows they’re not the memories that they’re expecting, but they’re memories nonetheless. Kihyun feels like if he can just remember how he ended up here - the hospital, not this strange world - then he can get back to his reality. He wonders if maybe this is all a dream. He clenches his hands into fists and presses his nails into his palms. Its stings. But Kihyun can’t accept that this is real.

-

Minhyuk and Jooheon come by at different times to keep Kihyun company. They dance around the elephant in the room, but they still can make Kihyun laugh until his sides cramp up. The only difference is that it feels empty. The jokes are funny, but there’s no connection. There’s no inside jokes and Kihyun wonders if they even have any.

He wonders where Wonho is. No one has mentioned him and Kihyun is too scared to bring it up. They won’t give him access to the internet, claiming that Kihyun shouldn’t flood his brain with too much information at once as it can cause him pain and frustration when he can’t remember the things he reads.

When night falls, Kihyun can’t sleep despite feeling exhausted. His mind whirls, memories right there but still they remain elusive. Kihyun feels like he can almost touch it only for it to retract.

Kihyun thinks of Shownu and wonders why his chest always hurts so much when he does. With the soft glow of the moon filtering through the window, Kihyun remembers that Hyungwon had said that Shownu was a patient.

Suddenly, the need to find Shownu bubbles up and boils over. Kihyun knows that he shouldn’t, but he has to find him. He can’t help but feel like Shownu is the key to solving this. Kihyun always has felt the most calm and steady and sure when he’s beside Shownu. And that’s what he needs right now.

Kihyun pulls out his IV and carefully climbs out of bed. His legs feel like jelly, but he musters up as much strength as he can to keep moving. He slides the door open and peeks down the hall. No one is around so he sneaks out.

He wanders down the hall, checking each plaque by each door, looking for the right name.

After what feels like both a second and forever, Kihyun finds it. Standing in front of the door with “Son Hyunwoo” attached, Kihyun suddenly feels faint. Maybe he shouldn’t. He thinks about turning around and going back to his room, but when he looks down the hall, it looks ominous and far too long. He turns back to the door, rolls back his shoulders, and opens it.

There’s a lamp casting light from the corner of the room. Kihyun’s eyes land on the figure lying in the bed. Even though he’s still standing in the threshold of the room, he recognizes Shownu.

Kihyun tiptoes into the room, slowly approaching the bed. He doesn’t know what to expect. Everyone looks the same, but Kihyun can’t help but fear that he’ll look at Shownu and not be able to recognize him. He doesn’t know why but he feels like there’s a high possibility that he’ll see his face and just feel nothing. And it scares him to his core.

Hesitant, Kihyun holds his breath as he peers over the lump of blankets, Shownu’s face revealing itself to him. When Kihyun sees him, his heart stutters. The breath whooshes out from him and suddenly Kihyun’s chest feels like it's on fire.

Kihyun gasps and chokes on his breath. His knees lock up and Kihyun stumbles into the bed. He grips onto the side to steady himself.

He knows this pain. He has felt this pain before. Kihyun clenches his eyes shut and tries to focus on breathing. He tries to clear his mind, but instead the memories come like a giant wave crashing onto shore.

He remembers everything.

Kihyun gasps, his eyes opening in shock. The memories flood in and Kihyun knows that he’s not where he’s supposed to be.

The noise startles Shownu awake.

“What?” he mumbles as he turns in the bed to find Kihyun leaning against the bed. “Who are you?”

“H-hyung,” Kihyun stutters, his heart hammering against his ribs. He opens and closes his mouth like a fish, unsure of what he can say. Kihyun almost chokes on his own breath as he manages to answer, “It’s me. Kihyun.”

Shownu stares at him, his eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. Kihyun holds his breath and stares back, hoping that he’ll see recognition in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Shownu says after a while, shaking his head. “I don’t remember you.”

Kihyun can’t help the tears that spring to his eyes. He blinks in an effort to make them go away, but ends up crying instead. His chest constricts and he feels like he can’t breathe.

Shownu’s words echo in Kihyun’s head. I don’t remember you rattling in his brain and repeating over and over again. It’s such a Shownu thing to say. Most people would say “I don’t know you.” Instead, he says that he doesn’t remember. Like it’s his fault that he has forgotten.

Kihyun knew that it would be like this. He knew it would hurt. But he didn’t know it would hurt like this.

When he realized he had Hanahaki, he was horrified. When he realized who he was growing flowers for, he was devastated. And when he woke up in a world where everything was different, he was terrified. But having it hit him all at once like this, Kihyun feels like his entire world is shattering.

Startled, Shownu sits up with wide eyes.

“Don’t cry,” he says. Kihyun just shakes his head, not sure what he could even say.

Everything is wrong.

Kihyun never realized that you could miss someone so much even when you’re looking right at them. He misses Shownu more than he ever thought possible. He doesn’t care if Shownu knows of his feelings. He’d rather have a Shownu that knows him and knows his heart rather than a Shownu who doesn’t.

Shownu wraps his arms around him. He knows that it’s meant to comfort him, but it only makes him cry even more. Kihyun can feel that difference in the way that Shownu holds him. The hesitant and awkward way that he pats Kihyun’s back is so unlike what Kihyun is familiar with. But he’s just as soft and gentle as always.

Kihyun tries to refrain from collapsing into Shownu’s chest, but he has always been weak when it comes to Shownu - it doesn’t matter which version of him. Kihyun falls into Shownu’s arms, burying his face into his shoulder.

Shownu tenses up for a moment and Kihyun goes to move away until Shownu starts to pat his head. For some reason, it makes Kihyun let out a wet laugh.

It’s such a Shownu thing to do. He never knows how to comfort someone and it’s almost like an instinct to just pat someone’s head. He’s awkward, but gentle all the same.

Although it still hurts, Kihyun feels himself relax into Shownu’s embrace. Eventually Kihyun stops crying, tears drying on his cheeks and his shaky breaths fading into soft hiccups.

Kihyun pulls away. He rubs at his eyes because they itch, but mostly because he wants to avoid looking at Shownu.

“Don’t do that,” Shownu says softly. Kihyun jolts, not expecting him to say anything. Shownu’s feather light touch around Kihyun’s wrists as he pulls them toward him makes Kihyun’s skin tingle. Shownu gently takes Kihyun’s hands into his and says, “Your eyes will swell even more if you rub them like that.”

Kihyun clenches his eyes shut, still scared to see the lack of recognition on Shownu’s face.

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says, but his voice sounds strange. He sounds a little breathless, almost like he’s choking, like it’s painful for him to say his name. Kihyun’s ears start to buzz as if he’s deep underwater or high up in a plane.

“Kihyun,” he hears again, this time his voice is clearer despite the buzzing in his ear. “Open your eyes,” Shownu says.

Kihyun shakes his head.

“Please,” he begs, tightening his hold on Kihyun’s hands. Never has Kihyun ever heard Shownu sound like he does right now, like he’s desperate and willing to do anything, even risk his own life, just so Kihyun will open his eyes. Not knowing what else he can do, Kihyun pries his eyes open.

Kihyun blinks rapidly as his eyes adjust to the low light of the room. He stares down at their intertwined hands.

“Look at me,” Shownu’s voice cracks and he sniffles. Is he crying? Kihyun thinks, his mind whirring because he’s only ever witnessed Shownu cry a couple times. Surprised by this turn of events, Kihyun forgets why he was avoiding looking at him in the first place. Kihyun lifts his chin to look at Shownu and when his eyes land on Shownu’s face, Kihyun recoils, backing away in shock.

Shownu’s face is a blank canvas. His features are blurred together and although Kihyun knows that it’s Shownu - can tell because of his ears - Kihyun can’t recognize him. Fear grips at Kihyun, forcing him to step away until his back is pressed up against the wall.

Kihyun hears Shownu call his name, his voice sounding distorted this time, but the words come from nowhere since Shownu doesn’t have a mouth. Kihyun wants to look away, but he can’t bring himself to stop staring at Shownu’s non-face. Kihyun begins to shake, his body like a leaf in the wind, clinging onto a branch in a storm.

“Kihyun-ah,” he hears, but doesn’t see. The hairs on Kihyun’s arms rise, goosebumps littering his skin. He holds his breath in an attempt to calm down, but it only makes his heart beat faster. Kihyun stands as still as a statue, his eyes never leaving the figure in front of him.

Because although Kihyun knows, although he keeps trying to tell himself that this is Shownu, his body refuses to listen. Kihyun feels out of control. Shownu moves to get out of bed and Kihyun’s knees give out. He slides down the wall until he’s crouching.

Kihyun feels more than he sees Shownu approach him even though he’s looking right at him. Alarm bells ring in Kihyun’s head, overpowering his own commands to calm down. Shownu reaches out to him and Kihyun involuntarily screams. He clenching his eyes shut, hands covering his ears, his screaming uncontrollably getting louder and louder.

A hand grips at his shoulder and Kihyun jolts awake.

His body feels heavy, his hair matted against his sweaty forehead. Kihyun’s chest heaves and he looks around the room, frantically trying to find the cause of his fear.

Kihyun is in a hospital bed. The clock on the wall tells him that it’s 15 minutes past 2 o’clock. A glance out the window tells him that it’s the middle of the night. He’s alone in the room, but Kihyun has a feeling that someone is supposed to be there with him.

Kihyun rolls over to his side, bringing his knees to his chest in a fetal position. Kihyun knows that he must have been dreaming, his dream the cause of the distress he feels in his body. But he can’t remember what it was about.

He wracks his brain for anything but comes up empty. He closes his eyes and tries to envision what it was, but there’s nothing there, only a feeling.

It takes a while for Kihyun to understand, but when he does, he feels numb.

Kihyun doesn’t remember his dream but he remembers what it feels like to be forgotten - to have someone you know and love look at you but not recognize you. The immense horror that had flooded his body lingers deep in his bones. It’s a pain unlike any other, like a splinter embedded deep in your skin that you can’t get rid of. And Kihyun refuses to let anyone feel that way. He won’t let it happen.

And the only way to prevent it is if Kihyun lets his Hanahaki spread until all that’s left of him is a bed of bloody flowers. Because at least when he dies, they’ll be remembered.

Chapter 32: What Do You Think Love Is?

Notes:

Last chapter was wild, but I promise you you're gonna love this one! I just wanna say thank you to everyone reading this story and commenting. I always want to reply but honestly I don't even know what to say anymore. I appreciate you guys so much you have no idea. It makes me so happy to know that there are so many of you guys who have been here since the start and are still here and that there are so many of you who discover this later and keep coming back. I'm overwhelmed by how much love you guys have given for this fic that I randomly decided to write one day. This isn't the end yet. I'm just emotional. But take a peek at the chapter number. I don't want to blind side you when the end comes. Thanks again!

The next time Kihyun wakes up, the first thing he notices is that there’s a heavy weight on his arm. He finds Changkyun hunched over in the chair beside his bed fast asleep, holding his hand. He looks around to find his members scattered around the room. Wonho and Hyungwon are asleep on the couch. There’s an armchair in the corner that Minhyuk and Jooheon have occupied.

Kihyun looks around the room and finds that Shownu isn’t there. His heart sinks and he feels like he might throw up again. He swallows and grimaces from the pain. He tries to sit up to get water, which inevitably wakes up Changkyun.

His eyes are bleary as he looks up at Kihyun unsure if he’s dreaming. He blinks a few times until he realizes that Kihyun is awake.

“Hyung!” he shouts. Kihyun’s head throbs and he groans. Changkyun lowers his voice to a whisper, “Sorry.”

Changkyun helps Kihyun sit up and then goes to get the nurse. Kihyun spots a pitcher of water and a glass beside his bed and reaches to pour himself some. Kihyun’s hands shake as he tries to pour himself a glass of water. Changkyun enters the room and takes it from him, but when Kihyun looks up, it’s not Changkyun. It’s Shownu.

“Hyung,” he croaks. He wrinkles his nose at the pain and the way his voice comes out so hoarse.

“Shhhh,” Shownu says, telling Kihyun not to strain his throat by speaking. “Drink slowly.” He cradles the back of Kihyun’s head and tilts it back as he brings the glass to Kihyun’s lips to help him drink. The water soothes his throat, but instead of cooling him down, Kihyun feels hot all over. And the way that Shownu rubs his thumb on Kihyun’s neck isn’t helping.

After Kihyun finishes the water, Shownu pulls the glass away and sets it back down on the table, but his other hand continues to cradle his head. His fingers slip into Kihyun’s hair and Kihyun shivers. Shownu weaves his fingers through Kihyun’s hair, getting rid of the knots and stroking the strands that stick up.

“Thanks,” he says softly. Shownu pulls his hand away and Kihyun misses his touch. Kihyun avoids looking at him. Instead, he keeps his head down and looks at his hands in his lap. He starts biting on his thumb, lost in his thoughts.

Kihyun doesn’t know what to say. The last time he saw Shownu, he told him that he was in love with him and then he collapsed.

Shownu pulls Kihyun’s hand away from his mouth and Kihyun expects him to let go but instead he holds his hand tight, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles to soothe him.

“Kihyun-ah, will you look at me?”

Kihyun just shakes his head. Shownu uses his other hand to gently caress Kihyun’s cheek and urge him to turn his head. Kihyun’s face flushes knowing that Shownu can now see his eyes wet with tears.

“Hyung,” Kihyun says, his voice coming out barely a whisper.

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says, hand still on Kihyun’s cheek. “You had us all so worried.”

Kihyun sniffles, trying to hold his tears in. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Kihyun. It’s not your fault.”

“But–” Kihyun starts but Shownu cuts him off.

“Shhhh,” Shownu says and wipes Kihyun’s tears. Kihyun didn’t even realize that he’d let them fall. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” Kihyun shakes his head.

“No, hyung. I collapsed and now I’m in a hospital bed.” Kihyun knows that Shownu must know the cause of his collapse. He must know that he’s dying. “I’m not okay. I’m dying.” Kihyun’s voice cracks and the tears fall more rapidly now.

Shownu lets go of Kihyun’s hand. Scared that he’s going to leave, Kihyun reaches out to take Shownu’s hand back in his, but when his brain catches up to what he’s doing, he stops and clenches the bedsheets in his hands to prevent him from doing so.

But Shownu doesn’t step away from him. Instead he steps closer. He cradles Kihyun’s face in his hands and wipes away his tears.

“You’ll be okay, Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says.

“How?” Kihyun sobs. Shownu leans in so close that Kihyun can feel his breath on his face. “H-hyung?” he asks, hesitant because he doesn’t know what’s happening.

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says and Kihyun can feel his breath on his lips. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”

Hearing that, Kihyun cries harder. He shakes his head again. “No,” he says, “It’s no one’s fault other than mine. Please don’t blame yourself for this. I’m the one who fell in love.”

“No,” Shownu says, shaking his head. “You fell in love, but you’re not the only one.” Kihyun swears his heart stops. He furrows his eyebrows in confusion, unable to process Shonwu’s words.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, his voice quiet.

“If only I had said something sooner. If I wasn’t such a coward and told you instead of hoping that you would get the hints I was trying to send you…” Shownu says. Kihyun waits for him to finish his train of thought, but he just stops. Shownu sighs and closes his eyes. His breath feels warm on Kihyun’s skin, but Kihyun still shivers.

“W-what?” Kihyun has no idea what Shownu is saying. His brain is trying to make sense of it but he doesn’t understand. Even so, his heart starts racing at Shownu’s words.

Shownu opens his eyes and Kihyun can't breathe because they lock eyes and Shownu has this look that Kihyun can’t describe.

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says. “I love you.”

Kihyun’s brain short circuits. His jaw drops and he can only blink in response.

“What?” Kihyun finally says. “I–what? Hyung, I don’t–” Shownu tilts Kihyun's face up a little more so he can look in his eyes.

“I love you,” he repeats.

“But–” Kihyun can’t believe what he’s hearing. Maybe he really did die or he’s in a coma and now he’s dreaming. That’s the only thing Kihyun can think of to make sense of what’s happening because this can’t be real. To confirm his suspicions, Kihyun pinches himself in the arm. He winces from the pain.

Okay maybe I’m not dreaming. he thinks. But then, how can this really be happening?

Kihyun so badly wants to believe what he’s hearing but it doesn’t make sense to him. He was convinced that Shownu didn’t love him back. He literally has a disease that’s born from unrequited love, so how can Shownu say that he loves him?

Kihyun knows Shownu would never lie, but his traitorous mind tells him that it’s Shownu’s desperate attempt to save him from death.

Suddenly, Kihyun pulls away from Shownu. Shownu lets him free easily. He was never keeping him there in the first place. Kihyun just didn’t want to be far from him.

“No,” Kihyun says. “Hyung, you don’t have to say that just because–”

“Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says, but Kihyun keeps babbling.

“–I’m dying. I know you feel bad, but it’s not your fault so you don’t have to do this. Don’t say things just because you know it’s what I want to hear. I know you don’t feel that way for me and it’s okay, hyung. Really. I mean I’m dying so that’s not good, but nothing is going to change just because you say that you love me. And I know you do, but when I told you that I love you, I meant that I’m in love with you.”

Before Kihyun can say any more, Shownu takes his face in his hands again and presses their foreheads together. Kihyun’s voice dies in his throat and he feels like he can’t breathe from their proximity. With nowhere to avert his eyes, Kihyun stares down at Shownu’s nose.

“I’m in love with you, Kihyun.” Shownu says with eyes closed and voice low. It makes goosebumps rise on Kihyun’s arms. “I love you.”

Kihyun curls his hands into fists, pressing his nails into his palms. He can feel the pain. He holds onto that feeling for dear life because it means that this is real. Still, Kihyun shakes his head. Their foreheads bump against one another.

Shownu opens his eyes and Kihyun swears that he can feel his eyelashes brush against him.

“Kihyun-ah, look at me.” Shownu says. Kihyun stares hard at Shownu’s nose.

Shownu tilts Kihyun's face. Their noses brush against each other and suddenly Kihyun is staring into Shownu’s eyes.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. I feel the same way that you do,” he says, trying to get Kihyun to understand. Kihyun doesn’t say anything, still confused. “Do you believe me?” Shownu asks. Kihyun just stares.

“I love you, Kihyun-ah,” Shownu says. “I love you. I love you. I love you. How many times do I have to say it until you believe me?”

Before Kihyun even realizes it, the words are tumbling out of his mouth. “As many times as it takes for it to be true.”

It’s after he’s said them that he realizes that he’s reiterating what Shownu had said to him weeks ago in the dressing room before he broke down crying in his arms. When he realized that he was in love with Shownu.

Kihyun is ready to take the words back, but Shownu is quicker than him. Instead of reassuring Kihyun that what he says is true, Shownu shocks Kihyun with what he says.

“If words aren’t enough, then I can show you,” Shownu says and leans even closer. Any train of thought Kihyun had before is long gone. His face heats up from how close they are. Kihyun holds his breath. “Can I kiss you, Kihyun-ah?” Shownu asks.

Kihyun’s lips part despite him being adamant to stay silent. Shownu nudges his nose against Kihyun’s as if to ask again. Kihyun takes a breath and exhales shakily.

“H-hyung,” Kihyun’s voice comes out shaky.

“Let me show you, Kihyun,” Shownu says, but Kihyun remains still and quiet. “Please?” Shownu asks, almost like he’s afraid Kihyun will say no and push him away. It’s only then, hearing the desperation in his voice that Kihyun finally replies.

“Yes,” he breathes out and Shownu leans in and brings their lips together. Kihyun’s heart stutters in his chest. He closes his eyes, causing tears to slip down his cheeks. Shownu kisses him soft and slow. He holds Kihyun in his hands like he’s something precious and wipes his tears away with such gentleness that it makes Kihyun cry more.

Shownu presses closer to Kihyun, a hand slipping behind his neck. Kihyun’s lips part and Shownu kisses him deeper. Kihyun pushes his nails into his hands to remind him that this is real.

Eventually, Shownu pulls away. His breathing is labored and even though Kihyun knows that they need to breathe, he wishes that they could’ve stayed kissing forever because he still isn’t sure if this isn’t all just a dream. He’s scared that Shownu won’t be there, that this will all disappear the moment he opens his eyes, so he keeps them closed.

He focuses on the feeling of Shonwu’s hands on his skin, the only thing grounding him to the reality of the situation.

“Do you believe me now, Kihyun?” Shownu asks after catching his breath. Kihyun clenches his eyes closed. He wants to believe that it’s real, but something won’t let him. Kihyun feels Shownu shift and his hands dart out to grab onto Shownu’s shirt so that he won’t leave.

Shownu can’t help but chuckle a little. “Cute,” he says and Kihyun can feel his face turn red from embarrassment. “I wasn’t gonna go anywhere,” Shownu says. Hesitantly, Kihyun lets go of the death grip he has on Shownu’s shirt. Shownu shifts again, but Kihyun trusts that he’ll stay close.

Kihyun still has his eyes closed so he has no idea what Shownu is doing. Shownu’s fingers brush against his skin and then they’re in his hair. Shownu weaves his fingers through his hair and slightly drags his nails down Kihyun’s scalp. Kihyun didn’t realize how tense he was until his body relaxed from the feeling.

Kihyun breathes deeply and feels calmer. His mind slows and he feels much more grounded. Kihyun takes a deep breath and slowly opens his eyes.

Shownu is there in front of him, a soft smile on his face. Kihyun exhales and his heart eases in his chest.

“You’re here,” Kihyun says. Shownu smiles wider, showing his teeth. His eyes crinkle and Kihyun knows it has to be real because even in his dreams, he could never get Shownu’s eye smile right.

“I’m here,” Shownu says and Kihyun smiles back at him, his dimples showing. Shownu can’t help but kiss him and Kihyun gladly lets him.

“I love you,” Shownu tells Kihyun and this time Kihyun believes him.

“I love you too,” Kihyun says and Shownu knows that Kihyun believes him now. Kihyun leans up to kiss Shownu once more. It’s short and sweet, but it serves as a reassurance for both of them that they understand each other’s feelings now.

Kihyun savors the moment when they’ve pulled away from each other, staring into Shownu’s eyes and stroking his cheeks. At some point, Kihyun had stopped keeping his hands to himself, mirroring the hold that Shownu has on him.

Kihyun opens his mouth to say something, but the moment is ruined by a voice from the other side of the room.

“Gross,” he hears, “get a room.”

Shownu moves away and from behind him, Kihyun can see that Hyungwon has woken up and is looking at them with his nose wrinkled. Kihyun’s face flushes from someone witnessing what had happened. Shownu straightens up and awkwardly rubs a hand on the back of his neck. His cheeks and ears are red and Kihyun wants to kiss him again but he has to deal with Hyungwon first.

Kihyun reaches behind him and grabs one of the pillows from the bed.

“This is my room, you punk,” Kihyun says and throws the pillow at Hyungwon. It hits him in the chest even though Kihyun was aiming at his face. Hyungwon frowns and grabs the pillow to throw back at Kihyun, but Wonho, who was up until now asleep next to him, stops him.

“You can’t throw a pillow at a patient,” he says. Hyungwon looks at the pillow with pursed lips like he’s still considering throwing it at Kihyun anyway. After a second, he shrugs and just hugs the pillow and leans back into the couch.

Kihyun huffs and Shownu rubs a soothing hand on his back. Wonho looks between Shownu and Kihyun and then a smile spreads across his face.

“I’m happy for you two,” he says. Kihyun’s chest feels warm from the statement, but a part of him kinda wishes that it was a dream so that he could wake up and not feel so embarrassed by the fact that he and Shownu basically played out a scene from a drama with everyone in the room. Kihyun is almost grateful for the fact that Changkyun stepped out earlier, but when he looks over at the door, Changkyun is standing there, leaning against the door frame.

Kihyun wants to sink into his bed and pretend like he isn’t there.

Changkyun smiles at him. “Me too,” Changkyun says softly. Shownu holds Kihyun’s hand and squeezes.

“Thank you,” Shownu says and then looks at Kihyun with an expression so full of love and adoration that Kihyun isn’t sure how he could’ve missed that Shownu returns his feelings because Kihyun has seen that expression on his own face in the mirror.

“Does this mean that you guys are gonna be all lovey dovey in front of us all the time now?” Minhyuk pipes up from the corner of the room. Kihyun groans, knowing that everyone must be awake now.

Before Kihyun can say anything though, Shownu takes the other pillow from the bed and throws it at Minhyuk. It hits him in the face.

“Hey!” Minhyuk yells, but he’s grinning. Kihyun looks at Jooheon, who’s beside Minhyuk, waiting for him to say something since everyone else has already.

Jooheon’s dimples look deeper than ever because of how hard he’s smiling. Kihyun can’t help but smile back despite how exposed he feels just sitting there as everyone looks at him and Shownu.

“I’m happy for you guys,” Jooheon says.

“Thanks,” Kihyun says, looking away because he’s too flustered to keep eye contact anymore.

“Hyung,” Changkyun says, walking into the room and finding his place beside Kihyun’s bedside. “This means you’re going to be okay now, right?”

Kihyun looks up at Shownu, who meets his eyes with a smile. Shownu nods at him and squeezes his hand. Kihyun looks at everyone in the room, before looking back at Changkyun. He takes his hand and nods.

“I’m gonna be fine,” Kihyun says, “I mean it.”

The visible tension in Changkyun’s body leaves him, his shoulders relaxing as he holds Kihyun’s hand in both of his.

“I’m glad, hyung,” he says.

At that moment, the nurse comes knocking on the door. All heads turn to look as she slides the door open and steps into the room. She bows in greeting.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been informed that Kihyun-ssi has woken up?” she says.

Kihyun lets go of Shownu’s and Changkyun’s hands and sits up properly to greet her back.

“Yes,” he says. “I’m awake.” The nurse approaches Kihyun to ask him questions about how he feels, taking notes on his file. Shownu stays by Kihyun’s side the whole time.

“Okay, Kihyun-ssi,” the nurse says once she has finished with her general questions. “We will order you an x-ray to take a look at the state of your lungs. Your Hanahaki has advanced to the critical stage as you are purging full flowers soaked in blood. You’ll have to stay in the hospital as we monitor the progression of the growth of your flowers. We’ll have an x-ray done for you every day to chart the rate of their growth and from there we will be able to give an estimate of-” the nurse hesitates and then gestures with one hand, “how long until your lungs collapse from the flowers.”

“Ah,” Kihyun says, realizing that maybe should’ve said something sooner so she didn’t have to go through all that. “Actually,” he says, “I don’t think the flowers are growing anymore.”

The nurse blinks at him in surprise. “Oh,” she says, “um…and why exactly do you think that?”

Kihyun clears his throat awkwardly, trying to find the right way to phrase it. He feels himself start to sweat from everyone looking at him. Shownu, who had been refraining from holding Kihyun’s hand because the nurse was in the room with them, throws caution to the wind and reaches for Kihyun’s hand.

Kihyun’s face heats up as he avoids looking at him. Instead he looks over the nurse’s shoulder as he speaks.

“I–um…turns out my uh love isn’t so unrequited after all,” he says and then wants to curl up under the covers and hide away forever when the nurse gasps and then squeals.

She quickly composes herself, “Oh that’s great news.” Her eyes look down at Shownu’s and Kihyun’s joined hands, then to Shownu who’s looking at Kihyun with a soft smile, then back to Kihyun whose face is turning as red as a tomato. She pretends like she doesn’t know what’s going on and proceeds to tell them about the next steps.

“In this case, we’d still like to keep you in the hospital to monitor your recovery. The process can be quite painful as your body rids itself of the flowers currently in your system. We’ll still have an x-ray done for you now to see what’s going on and then we’ll go from there.”

Kihyun nods and thanks her. She smiles at him and leaves the room to order his x-ray. Forgetting that there are no more pillows to cushion him, Kihyun lets himself fall back onto the bed.

“Oof,” he says when his head hits the mattress instead of the pillow he was expecting. A pillow finds its way into his lap. Shownu helps Kihyun place it behind his head and Kihyun looks to find Hyungwon now without a pillow. He laughs and Hyungwon pretends like he didn’t do anything.

Kihyun settles into the bed and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath and although he knows that there are still flowers constricting his lungs, he feels like he can finally breathe unrestrained.

Laying down, Kihyun feels exhaustion take over his body.

“I’m tired,” he mutters. Shownu brushes the hair from Kihyun’s eyes and drops a kiss on his forehead.

“Rest,” he says and before he falls asleep, Kihyun can hear a chorus of “ews” from the others in the room. Kihyun lets out a laugh and surrounded by people who love him, Kihyun sleeps peacefully for the first time in a long time.

Chapter 33: Road To Recovery

Notes:

Today I'm just missing Kihyun so much so I thought that I'd update. I can't believe that Hyungwon is gonna leave soon, but they really are gonna be together for their anniversary and I'm so emotional. I can't tell you how much I love these men. They mean the world to me.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter!

Kihyun’s recovery process isn’t easy. It takes several days of being sedated so that he won’t be in pain as the vines and flowers die in his lungs before they can be removed without taking Kihyun’s love and memories away with them.

Three days later, they ease him off of the sedatives. Kihyun is awake but it’s like he’s in a trance. With the flowers dead in his lungs, he has to purge them from his system. It’s not a pretty sight. After what feels like days but really is only a few hours, Kihyun is left with just the vines that need to be removed with surgery.

Kihyun barely recognizes his members speaking to him before he’s taken to the operating room. The process takes hours, but Kihyun isn’t awake for any of it.

Everyone waits with bated breath, knowing that there could be many complications along the way. They know Kihyun is in good hands, but that does little to soothe their anxiety.

The surgery is a success and Kihyun is still unconscious. There is no telling when exactly he will awaken - if he will - so days pass by with a lot of sleepless nights of pacing back and forth.

Four days after his surgery, Kihyun wakes up feeling disoriented and extremely thirsty. His chest feels heavy as he struggles to breathe. The members all gather in the room as the nurse helps him sit up.

“Kihyun-ssi,” the nurse says, “how do you feel?” Kihyun licks his lips and attempts to speak but his mouth feels too dry. The nurse notices and gives him some water.

“I feel…” Kihyun says, wincing from the pain in his throat from disuse. “I feel weighed down?” He isn’t sure how else to phrase it. He finds it difficult to move, barely able to lift his arms. His chest feels like there is an elephant sitting on him and it’s like he has to fight against gravity.

“That’s the sedatives making you feel held down,” the nurse explains. “It will wear off in time. How’s your chest? Your breathing?”

Kihyun tries to take a deep breath but it’s short. His chest itches and he ends up coughing. Expecting blood, Kihyun is surprised to find that nothing comes out.

“I feel short of breath,” Kihyun says. “And it hurts. A lot.” The nurse nods and then grabs her stethoscope. She guides him to breathe as deeply as he can and listens.

“As I expected,” she says and then steps back. “It’s normal to be short of breath at this stage and it can feel like your lungs are collapsing. Although the flowers have been successfully removed, it will take some time for your body to readjust to not having the flowers growing in your lungs. You’ll find difficulty breathing and it will hurt, but that will fade over time.” It’s not anything she hasn’t mentioned before, but Kihyun is still a bit scatterbrained from being in a medically induced coma so it’s nice to be reminded of what’s going on.

“And my voice?” Kihyun asks, unable to prevent the fear from lacing his words as he says them.

The nurse takes a moment to look at everyone in the room before continuing.

“Your voice will return to its previous condition, Kihyun-ssi. You have nothing to fear. We recommend that you refrain from singing for a month before easing your way back into it. We’ve spoken with a vocal rehabilitator and your vocal coach and they will help you throughout the process.”

Although still feeling physically weighed down, Kihyun feels lighter at hearing the news. He can still sing. Kihyun knows that it’s really important that he doesn’t strain himself in his recovery process lest he damage himself for good so he nods attentively and promises himself that he will follow their guidance.

“We recommend staying in the hospital for a few more days to monitor your recovery and then we will send you home.”

Upon hearing the word “home,” Kihyun looks at his members - his family - and smiles. He can’t wait to go home.

“In the meantime,” the nurse says, “all you need to do is rest. I’ll be back in a couple hours to check on you. If you need anything, use the call button.” She steps back toward the door and then looks around the room before looking back at Kihyun. She smiles.

“Congratulations, Kihyun-ssi. You no longer have Hanahaki.” With that, she opens the door, exits, and then shuts it behind her.

Kihyun lets out a breath and closes his eyes. Everyone gathers around Kihyun’s bed. Shownu immediately takes Kihyun’s hand in his and Kihyun clings onto him.

Kihyun feels something soft patting against his cheeks and realizes that he’s started to cry. He’s been doing a lot of that lately, but this time, it’s from relief rather than pain. Kihyun grins as he opens his eyes. Wonho crumples up the used tissues and tosses them in the trash.

Jooheon’s eyes are wet and Kihyun tries to reach out to comfort him, but his arms still feel too heavy. Jooheon can read him though, so he steps forward and wraps Kihyun into a hug.

“I’m so glad you’re okay hyung,” Jooheon says. Kihyun grins at him when he steps back and then everyone takes their turns hugging Kihyun. Wonho holds onto him for a long time, hiding his face in Kihyun’s shoulder. His body shakes from crying and Kihyun sits helpless. He feels bad, but he can’t help but laugh.

Wonho pouts as he pulls away. “Are you laughing at me, Kihyun-ah? That’s so mean.”

Kihyun just laughs in response. The joy that bubbles up in his chest overflows and he finds himself unable to stop. Kihyun gets a sense of deja vu as he clenches his stomach.

Similar to when he had told Jooheon about his Hanahaki, Kihyun feels hysterical. But rather than a need to laugh to fill some kind of void, Kihyun laughs because he feels happy and so loved. And different from before, everyone else can’t help but join in the laughter too.

It hurts, but Kihyun is too happy to care. He’s not dying anymore, the person he loves loves him back, he can still sing, and he’s surrounded by his family. There’s nothing more that Kihyun could ask for.

Chapter 34: Secret Admirer

Notes:

Oh god they took Hyungwon too! My heart can't take it anymore. The military wife life is not for me!

Kihyun recovers well. His breathing returns to normal and it doesn’t hurt anymore when he speaks. Sometimes he’ll feel a phantom tickle in his throat and he’ll momentarily freeze in fear of the flowers growing back, but then the feeling would subside.

Kihyun doesn’t think he’ll ever stop feeling like there’s something caught in his throat from time to time, but he knows that it’s just something he’ll have to live with.

The day Kihyun is discharged from the hospital, he finds a bouquet of white roses on his bedside table.

“Where’d these flowers come from anyway?” Kihyun asks as he bends over to smell them. Kihyun had thought that he’d never want to see white roses ever again, but he oddly feels quite fond of them now. It’s like a reminder of everything he’s been through and that he’s okay now.

“Is it your secret admirer again, hyung?” Jooheon asks, a teasing smile on his face.

“I don’t have a secret admirer,” Kihyun says flatly.

“Well they can’t be from the fans this time,” Changkyun says. “They don’t even know you’re in the hospital.” At the mention of their fans, Kihyun looks away. He knows that the flowers were never from the fans in the first place. Back then, Kihyun had thought he was a genius for sending himself flowers to cover up his Hanahaki, but now he just feels silly.

“Wait,” Minhyuk says and Kihyun wants to sink into the floor. “I’ve been thinking and the flowers weren’t from the fans, were they Kihyun?” Kihyun doesn’t need to see Minhyuk’s face to know that he’s smirking.

“What do you mean, hyung?” Jooheon says. “Who are they from then?”

Kihyun stares into the flowers, wondering if he could just dive into them and never come back.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Minhyuk says. Kihyun can hear the grin in Minhyuk’s voice and he is so close to grabbing a pillow and snuffing him so he can’t speak. “But Shownu hyung can tell us.”

It’s not what anyone thought that he would say. Kihyun thought that he had put it together, but it seems like he’s come to a different conclusion. He has a flashback to when Minhyuk thought that he was in love with the barista at the cafe.

“Me?” Shownu says. He’s shocked, but there’s something else in his voice that sounds odd to Kihyun’s ears. He finally rips his eyes away from the flowers to look at him. Shownu’s ears have turned red and he’s shifting his feet like he’s debating whether he should run or not. Kihyun can see Minhyuk smiling wide from the corner of his eye.

“Hyung?” Kihyun asks. Shownu looks at him and then looks away, tugging at his ear, a habit he does when he’s nervous. But why would he be nervous?

Minhyuk comes up from behind Kihyun and reaches around him to pluck out a note from the bouquet. Kihyun hadn’t even noticed it was there. He watches as Minhyuk waves the note around and begins to pace across the room like he’s giving a TEDTalk.

“You see,” he says. “I thought it was odd that I didn’t know about this fan project to send Kihyun flowers. And I know everything.”

Not everything, Kihyun thinks, considering the fact that he doesn’t know that Kihyun has been the one sending himself flowers.

“It was strange,” Minhyuk continues, “how the first time it happened, he received a note!” Minhyuk holds the note up high in the air. “And none of us got one. And then every time afterward, there was no note.”

Kihyun watches him warily as he walks up to Shownu and pokes him in the chest.

“That first one. I thought it sounded familiar. And then it hit me!” He turns around and dramatically slides over to Kihyun and pulls him into his side. “It sounded like something Shownu had written to Kihyun before.” Kihyun furrows his eyebrows, confused.

He hadn’t thought much about the first note that he received, too busy freaking out over his Hanahaki and his feelings. Now that he thinks about it though, he never did find out who wrote that note to him.

He looks at Shownu to find his cheeks dusted pink. Kihyun tilts his head and tries to remember the contents on the note.

“Kihyun-ah, congratulations on the new album! I can’t wait to hear your lovely voice live. You always make me smile so I got you these flowers to make you smile too. Do smile. I love your smile…”

Kihyun wonders how he can remember it so well when he realizes that the voice in his head sounds a lot like Minhyuk. He turns to his side to find Minhyuk holding the note and reading it out loud.

That note was in Kihyun’s wallet! Kihyun snatches the note away from him and Minhyuk yells, trying to wrestle it back.

“Hey,” Minhyuk shouts, “I wasn’t done reading that!”

“You stole that from me, you thief,” Kihyun says and contemplates eating the note just so Minhyuk can’t have it. Eventually Minhyuk gives up. He stands up straight and fixes his hair and his clothes.

“Anyway,” he says, “as I was saying, I thought the note sounded familiar.” He proceeds to take out his phone and read something aloud. “Kihyun’s smile is definitely guilty. Why do you keep smiling? Others would think like me. No. Smile. No. Don’t smile. Do smile. I love you. I’m betting my life on Yoo Kihyun. Deal.”

When Minhyuk reads the first line, Kihyun realizes that it’s the letter Shownu left for him on fancafe when he was being a monbebe during their Gambler promotions. Kihyun stands frozen in his spot because the dots are connecting.

The letter and the note - although not an exact match - give off the same sentiment. The way that it’s written and even the way that Minhyuk reads it sound like they come from the same person.

Kihyun thinks back to when Shownu found out that Kihyun had been receiving flowers. The look on his face was odd and now that Kihyun thinks about it, he realizes that Shownu was hiding the fact that he was upset. He didn’t like the idea of someone else sending Kihyun flowers – and not just any flowers, but the white roses that Shownu originally gave to him. He couldn’t be mad if they were from monbebe, but he still was sad that Kihyun had disregarded the flowers he gave him.

Kihyun can hear his heart beating in his ears and when he looks up at Shownu, the truth is written all over his face. Shownu’s face is flushed red and he chuckles awkwardly, his shoulders reaching his ears. Kihyun’s jaw drops.

“See?” Minhyuk states proudly, placing both hands on his hips. “They sound the same! Shownu hyung’s the one who has been sending Kihyunnie flowers!”

“Wow Shownu hyung!” Jooheon exclaims, his eyes wide.

“I can’t believe we didn’t notice,” Hyungwon comments, shaking his head.

“Hyung,” Kihyun says, still shocked. “Is that true?” Shownu looks at Kihyun and chuckles.

“Yeah,” he mumbles and then looks away in embarrassment.

“I knew it!” Minhyuk says and pumps a fist into the air like he just won a tournament. “I should’ve known something was up when Shownu hyung only wrote ‘I love you’ to Kihyun.”

Kihyun had noticed that, but he didn’t know everyone else did too. Wonho puts a hand around Shownu’s shoulders and grins.

“Oh ho ho,” he says, “Who knew you were such a romantic, Hyunwoo? Kihyunnie’s a lucky man.”

Kihyun blushes at the comment, but he can’t help but feel proud of the fact that he has someone like Shownu to love and to be loved by.

“Actually,” Changkyun pipes in, voice thoughtful. “Kihyun hyung’s also the only one who wrote ‘I love you’ to Shownu hyung for his birthday now that I think about it.”

“Ah, really?” Shownu says, shuffling his feet. “I didn’t know that.” But everyone can tell that he’s lying. He definitely noticed that.

“I can’t believe we didn’t see it,” Jooheon says.

“I only sent flowers the first time though,” Shownu says and Kihyun feels like he’s caught in a trap. “And the last time.” He gestures to the flowers that Kihyun is standing in front of and then rubs the back of his neck.

Kihyun looks back at the white roses. These are from Shownu, he thinks and smiles. In a split second, Kihyun realizes what that means.

His fight or flight response kicks in and with quick reflexes, Kihyun snatches the note that Minhyuk took from the bouquet before he can read it. He backs up until he’s in the corner of the room so that he can read the note without anyone reading over his shoulder. Minhyuk follows, but Kihyun pushes him away.

Kihyun looks down at the note. This time, it’s handwritten and Kihyun recognizes Shownu’s handwriting immediately.

I love you, is what it says.

“What’s it say?” Minhyuk says trying to peek over Kihyun’s shoulder to read it, but Kihyun hides it between his hand and his chest.

“Nothing!” he says, his voice rising into a high pitch.

“You’re a bad liar, Kihyunne!” Minhyuk says and tries to wrestle the note out of Kihyun’s grasp.

“Bad liar…” Hyungwon says in English, deep in thought. He opens up his notes app and saves it for later. He sees a notification from the delivery app that their food has arrived so he gets up to go get it.

“Your face is all red, hyung,” Changkyun says and Kihyun just glares at him. Changkyun just shrugs. He was just stating facts. And in that short distraction, Minhyuk manages to get the note from Kihyun.

“Aha!” he shouts in victory. Kihyun is ready to pounce and tackle him to the floor, his physical condition be damned, but Shownu snatches the note away from Minhyuk and slips it into his pocket.

Minhyuk spins around and pouts, “Hyung!”

“That’s for Kihyun’s eyes only,” he says and wiggles his eyebrows. Kihyun wishes he had his camera to catch the absolute shock and disgust on Minhyuk’s face.

“Ew, hyung,” Minhyuk says, “That’s not something I need to know about.”

“Exactly,” Shownu says. Kihyun laughs knowing that it isn’t like that, but feels satisfied that Minhyuk will drop the subject. He’s still embarrassed that everyone knows about his feelings. And the fact that everyone witnessed the way they had confessed to each other would only make matters worse if Kihyun revealed another admission of love from Shownu.

Kihyun meets Shownu’s eyes over Minhyuk’s shoulder and his heart melts at the sight of his smile.

“Really?” Hyungwon says as he enters the room with their lunch. “Right in front of my salad?”

Kihyun breaks eye contact to glare at Hyungwon even though he’s thankful for the interruption. Maybe they can just forget about the whole flower situation.

“Hey,” Hyungwon says, “is that the way you should look at the person who bought you food?”

“If the person is you, then yes,” Kihyun says without hesitation. Hyungwon glares right back at him, but still places the food onto the table.

“Well then I guess this fried chicken is all mine,” he says and Kihyun’s eyes widen.

“You got me fried chicken?” his eyes almost sparkle from the excitement.

“Wow,” Shownu says, “to have Kihyun look at me the way he looks at fried chicken…”

Kihyun hears him, but pays him no mind as Hyungwon lays the takeout boxes. The scent of chicken fills the room and Kihyun’s stomach growls. He reaches for a piece that looks perfectly crispy and seasoned but before he can, someone is grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers together.

Kihyun doesn't even need to look to know who it is. He turns away from the chicken and looks up at Shownu who’s pouting at him. Kihyun rubs his thumb over his knuckles.

“What is it, hyung?”

“You’re finally looking at me,” Shownu says and Kihyun furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“I was looking at you earlier,” he says.

“You were looking at that chicken pretty intensely…”

Kihyun bursts into laughter. “Hyung, are you jealous of fried chicken?”

“No,” he says petulantly. Kihyun laughs some more.

Jooheon comes up from behind Shownu and pats him on the back while shaking his head. “Hyung, you should know that Kihyun’s number one love will always be chicken.”

Shownu pretends to be solemn and Kihyun can’t help but find him cute. Kihyun feels like they’re in a poorly written sitcom. It’s stupid and cheesy, but Kihyun doesn’t care. He tugs on Shownu’s hand and pulls him close. He leans up and kisses the pout off of Shownu’s lips. It catches him completely off guard, but he’s smiling.

Kihyun smiles and then turns back to the chicken only to find half of it gone and Hyungwon shoving another piece into his mouth whole.

“Hey!” he shouts. Hyungwon chews on his mouthful of chicken completely unbothered. Kihyun starts eating and soon everyone joins in. Eventually Shownu shakes himself out of his surprise and leans into Kihyun’s shoulder begging for him to feed him some chicken. Kihyun shakes his head, but does it anyway.

In that moment, Kihyun thinks about how stupid he’s been and how he could’ve been doing this sooner if only he had talked about his feelings, but in the end, he wouldn’t have changed a thing if it meant they would end up here.

They finish the chicken and Kihyun is enjoying the peace until Changkyun breaks it with a single question.

“Wait a minute,” Changkyun says, “If it wasn’t Shownu hyung, then who’s been sending you flowers?”

Chapter 35: I Can Buy Myself Flowers

Notes:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE K IN KPOP, MONSTA X'S MAIN VOCAL AND RESIDENT HAMSTER YOO KIHYUN!!! Did y'all see his message for monbebe? He is so sweet and I miss him so much!

When Kihyun admits that he has been sending himself flowers, everyone laughs and laughs and laughs.

“Okay,” Kihyun says, “you can stop laughing now. It’s not that funny.” Hyungwon only points at him and laughs harder. Kihyun crosses his arms and huffs, but his lips twitch in amusement.

“It’s a little funny, hyung,” Jooheon says and Kihyun lets out a laugh.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Kihyun says, a smile on his face. Eventually, the laughter dies down, with an occasional snicker coming from Hyungwon because he can’t seem to stop laughing once he starts.

“I mean it did work,” Changkyun says, “I didn’t even think about the flowers.”

Kihyun feels bad about hiding from them and even going to such lengths to cover up his tracks, but he’s glad that there are no more secrets between them now.

“I’m glad you guys know now, though,” Kihyun says, “as embarrassing as it is.”

Shownu wraps an arm around Kihyun’s shoulders and rubs his hand up and down his arm.

“You don’t have to send yourself flowers, Ki,” he says. “I’ll send you all the flowers you want.” Kihyun slaps Shownu’s chest.

“Ya!” he says. “Don’t say cheesy stuff like that.”

“But you like it,” Shownu says, teasing.

“No I don’t,” Kihyun insists. Shownu leans down to speak into his ear.

“Well then maybe in private?” he whispers and his breath feels hot against Kihyun’s ear. Kihyun blushes and pushes him away.

“Stop it,” he says, but Shownu just laughs in response.

Hyungwon wrinkles his nose at the exchange and excuses himself to the bathroom, claiming that he needs to go throw up now. Changkyun just quietly observes them with a soft smile. Wonho and Jooheon cling to one another in glee, happy to see the two lovebirds acting cute while Minhyuk grins, filing the information away so that he can use it to tease them about it in the future.

The nurse comes in to make sure they have everything they need for Kihyun’s discharge. She bids them goodbye and wishes Kihyun a quick recovery and then leaves.

Everyone makes sure that they have all of their things. Kihyun takes the vase of roses as Shownu grabs Kihyun’s bag. Wonho checks to see if they’ve left anything behind while Hyungwon and Changkyun wait by the door.

Jooheon starts cleaning up the boxes to throw away and Minhyuk reaches out to help him. Their hands end up grazing each other as they go to grab the same box. They look at each other and Minhyuk smirks. Jooheon seems to know exactly what he’s thinking and holds Minhyuk’s hand.

“Jooheon-ah,” Minhyuk says, staring into his eyes and then holds his other hand too. “I love you. How many times do I have to say it until you believe me?”

“Hyung,” Jooheon replies, his voice sweet like honey, “as many times as it takes for it to be true.”

Minhyuk lets go of Jooheon’s hands and cradles his face. He leans over the table until their noses almost touch.

“Let me show you,” Minhyuk says and leaves a big smooch on Jooheon’s cheek. The two of them burst into laughter. Minhyuk falls back into his chair and Jooheon hunches over, arms wrapped around himself.

Shownu has to hold Kihyun back from hitting them.

“You wanna die?!” Kihyun says, trying to free himself from Shownu’s grasp. Hyungwon laughs so hard he needs to lean on the wall for support. Kihyun whips around to glare at him only to find Changkyun and Wonho in similar positions, laughing and clinging to random objects.

Kihyun rolls his eyes and stops struggling against Shownu.

“You’re lucky I’m still recovering otherwise you’d all be buried alive,” he says, voice low. Shownu chuckles and rubs Kihyun’s back.

“Come on,” Shonwu says and ushers him toward the door. “Let’s go home.”

Chapter 36: Epilogue: 'Cause Of You

Notes:

Oh my god I can't believe we've gotten here. I meant to do this before the end of the year/right at the beginning of this year, but 2024 is already giving me hell and it just started. I hope you are all having a great start of the year. Last year really put me through the wringer so I'm hoping the bad juju I have right now will mean that only good things will come next.

This fic has been with me for over a year and I am honored to present you with the last chapter. I started writing this fic because it gave me so much joy. You all have been wonderful readers and I can never thank you enough for giving my writing a chance. I'm saddened that it's over, but I feel so so proud that I got to share this with you all.

Happy new year and happy reading!

After four months of hiatus, Kihyun re-enters the kpop scene with his second solo album, Youth. Hyungwon gives him 2 songs, Bad Liar and Where Is This Love.

When Hyungwon tells Kihyun that the title for Bad Liar came from Minhyuk’s teasing, Kihyun laughs. They can never tell the full story to their fans, but it brings Kihyun so much joy to know that you can take the members away from the stage and studio, but the stage and the studio never leave them. Even in the hospital, watching Minhyuk be a menace as usual, Hyungwon was still inspired to make music.

Where Is This Love is a different story. Hyungwon had already been working on the song, inspired by the movie Closer, but in light of Kihyun’s Hanahaki, he was hesitant to share it.

Not that Kihyun wasn’t happy already with Bad Liar, but when Hyungwon let it slip that he had another song - one in English too - Kihyun couldn’t resist.

When he listened to the track and read the lyrics, Kihyun understood why Hyungwon was keeping it from him. The song depicted the emotion of heartbreak, of hearing the words “I love you” and it not being enough. Kihyun’s heart aches when he remembers how it felt when he thought Shownu didn’t return his feelings. He had tried to convince himself that it was enough to have Shownu in his life as he was, that things were okay how they were. No amount of convincing could delude Kihyun into believing that it was true.

“I know we always tease you guys for it,” Hyungwon says, “but when you didn’t believe him when he told you he loves you and he asked if he could show you, it reminded me of this scene.” He refers to the clip from the movie. “Love encompasses more than just words, more than feelings. It exists in sight, touch, sound…”

Kihyun knows exactly what he’s talking about. He can see that Shownu loves him from the way he looks at him. From the smile that graces his lips whenever their eyes meet. He knows from the way that Shownu holds him, kisses him. The way that he only needs to be by his side for Kihyun to feel loved and comforted. He knows from the sound of his laugh, his voice when he says his name, the beating of his heart…

Kihyun tries not to be too upset with himself for deciding on his own that his love wasn’t returned. He could have had all of this without the pain and suffering. Kihyun thinks back on how he didn’t even know he was in love until it was causing him pain. Almost like not knowing you’re injured until you realize you’re bleeding.

Kihyun will never shake the fear that he’ll wake up with flowers growing in his lungs again, but he knows - without a doubt - that the love he has for Shownu is returned. And that’s all he needs.

“I like it,” Kihyun tells Hyungwon after contemplating whether he’ll take the song or not.

“You’ll do it?” Hyungwon asks. “Are you sure?” Kihyun appreciates that Hyungwon is concerned about him, but Kihyun has never been the type to do something he isn’t 100% sure about.

Kihyun nods firmly. They work on the song together, Hyungwon accommodating anything Kihyun wishes to edit and it turns out amazing. Both of them are satisfied with the outcome and listening to Kihyun when he records the song, Hyungwon almost cries.

-

It’s when Kihyun is selecting the final track for his album when he revisits the first lyrics he wrote that were originally intended for Voyager. They had faced some complications when working on it before and Kihyun had almost tossed it aside for good, but something told him that now is the right time.

Looking over what he had written, Kihyun realizes what the problem was. There was a lack of connection. Even though they were words that he had written, he didn’t feel like they were right. Kihyun didn’t have the sense of this is mine.

With the help of Brother Su, Kihyun rewrites the lyrics, keeping the general feeling he was trying to emote and this time, the lyrics flow from him freely.

Although Kihyun can convey any emotion when he sings, it’s entirely different when they’re his words. With , (COMMA) he tried to make the lyrics more general, something that people could relate to. With ’Cause of You, it’s personal.

It was before Kihyun knew that he was in love when he tried to convey those feelings. He had thought that he could express it and put it into words without having experienced it himself, but he was wrong. No amount of love songs that he had sung before could help him with writing lyrics that should’ve come straight from the heart.

This time it’s different. Kihyun is in love. He knows he is. And his heart practically writes the lyrics for him.
Kihyun realizes that he felt restricted before because he was digging around, trying to find that feeling of love that he didn’t know was there. He now knows that it was always there, buried under the idea that his feelings for Shownu were only platonic. Once he discovered that they were romantic, he accessed a well of inspiration for his music.

Kihyun doesn't know how it happened - when his feelings went from platonic to romantic, when he started to think of Shownu as a permanent fixture in his life not as a member but as a life partner - but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that they love each other - it doesn’t matter when it all started because it led them here.

Kihyun feels unbridled joy loving Shownu and being loved by him. It makes him giddy, just thinking about holding his hand. Being with him makes Kihyun feel young, like he’s experiencing his first crush, but this time it’s his first love. He has fallen in love and he continues to fall even deeper with every day that passes.

And it’s all because of Shownu.

-

When Kihyun lets Shownu listen to the song, he’s the most nervous he’s ever been. Kihyun has never done something like this before. A song specifically meant for a special someone? Kihyun never thought he’d have someone to do that for.

Kihyun plays the song for Shownu, the two of them sharing a set of earbuds. Although it would be better with headphones or played through the speakers, Kihyun feels too vulnerable and exposed. Like this, it’s more private, more intimate.

When he listens to the song, Shownu can’t help but smile the whole time. At the end, Shownu pulls Kihyun into a hug and buries his face into his shoulder.

“How was it?” Kihyun asks, hugging him back. Shownu pulls away and looks into Kihyun’s eyes.

“You did well, my love,” he says and Kihyun smiles as bright as the sun.

It's all because of you,
My heart tickles
I've been laughing all day
Nowadays 'cause of you
It feels like I'm dreaming
It's so sweet that I don't wanna wake up

‘Cause of you, ‘cause of you, ‘cause of you, ‘cause of you