Chapter Text
July 4th
Dear diary,
I had my first swimming lesson today. My teacher is called Mr Christopher Bang and he is very nice. He reminds me of a big dog because he has a big smile and a nice nose and curly hair. He told us we can call him Chris but it feels very impolite so I think I will call him Mr Christopher. He said he used to be a competitive swimmer and has won numerous gold medals and I said he should bring them next time to prove he isn’t lying. Grown-ups lie a lot.
For example, Dad said that swimming is really easy. That was a huge lie! It is hard! I should’ve known he was lying because Dad can’t even swim.
Dad lies a lot. He also told me cauliflower is just white broccoli, but I looked it up on the Internet and it is not. They are both part of the plant family called Brassica oleracea but so is kale and cabbage. Dad would never say cauliflower is just like white kale because that would be stupid. They also don’t even taste the same. But I think it is cool that plants have families, just like Dad and I are a family.
In conclusion, grown-ups always tell you that lying is bad but then they lie all the time which is very hypocritical. I think it’s also hypocritical that Dad says I have to learn to swim when he can’t even swim, but I guess it’s embarrassing to be Old and not know to swim. And if we go to the beach, I guess he expects me to save his life. That would be just like Dad.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
PS: ‘Numerous’ means ‘many’ but I think it sounds more sophisticated. Sophisticated is when you are very smart and know a lot of things. I told Innie I want to be sophisticated and he called me a loser.
July 6th
Dear diary,
Mr Christopher brought his old medals today and they seemed real so I guess he was not lying.
Swimming is still pretty hard.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
July 11th
Dear diary,
Innie is better at swimming than I am. This is very humiliating to admit because I like it better when I am the best. He makes fun of me because I am older than him and still not as good.
I am trying my hardest but it is very difficult.
I think Dad has a crush on Mr Christopher. I asked him about it and he denied it and asked me if Innie is my “boyfriend” and I told him to stop being silly. Innie is NOT my boyfriend. Innie probably has lice. And he eats SAND. I don’t want a boyfriend who eats sand even if he is good at swimming and could probably save my life if I were drowning.
But Dad was 100% deflecting. That is a new word I learned. I have been reading the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary to expand my vocabulary so I can become sophisticated. It is very hard sometimes but I will not tell Innie that because he already thinks it is a loser hobby. Dad says I am a weird kid but I say he is a weird adult because he can’t even swim. HAHA!
Anyway. Deflecting is when I ask Dad a question about Mr Christopher and he tries to change the topic and make me talk about Innie instead. It is very sneaky! I let it slide this time because he is probably very embarrassed about having a crush.
I have never had a crush. I think it is probably very embarrassing.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
July 15th
Dear diary,
BIG NEWS!!!!! Mr Christopher is single!!!
I asked him today and his face got very red like a big tomato and then he laughed a lot and said he is too old for me. I thought that was such a silly thing to say! I told him I do not want him to be my boyfriend and then asked him again.
He said he does not have a partner right now! I said my dad also does not have a partner right now and I think it is very sad because my dad is really cool and smart and funny and nice and he makes excellent pancakes. I was kind of exaggerating all of these things because he is not that cool and also not that smart and his jokes are never funny, but his pancakes are delicious except when they burn.
I made sure to ask just as Dad was picking me up. He also got all red in the face which I thought was embarrassing and then I think they were maybe flirting but I’m not sure because I don’t really understand what flirting is.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
July 22nd
Dear diary,
Dad fell into the pool today.
I think he did it on purpose so Mr Christopher would save him.
And he did! He jumped in after him and got him out and draped a towel around him. Dad was all soaked and shivering and Mr Christopher kept looking at him in this weird way and I think it means he has a crush on Dad too. Dad kept thanking him and apologising and saying ‘this is so embarrassing.’ That is the truth! It was embarrassing! Innie laughed and said I’m probably so bad at swimming because my dad can’t swim either and I whacked his shoulder and he said it’s rude to hit someone but I said it’s rude to call someone a bad swimmer and my dad could have DIED!!!!
Luckily he didn’t die because Mr Christopher was there.
Dad told a joke and it was so unfunny I groaned out loud but Mr Christopher laughed at it. This can mean two things. Either he has terrible humour just like Dad OR he is in love with Dad. I hope option two turns out to be true because then I can get swimming lessons every day and I will be better than Innie in no time at all.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
July 25th
Dear diary,
Dad baked muffins for Mr Christopher to thank him for saving his life. I thought this was very sweet and also kind of embarrassing. I have decided I will never have a crush on anyone because it makes you very pathetic and uncool. It is not sophisticated at all! I told Dad this and he laughed.
He said ‘Innie will be very sad to hear that’ which I thought was a stupid thing to say.
He wasn’t sure if Mr Christopher liked blueberry muffins or chocolate muffins most so he made both. He brought them today when he picked me up from swimming lessons and Mr Christopher got very red in the face again and scratched behind his ear and said Dad didn’t have to do that but Dad said it was no problem at all and that he loves to bake. This is actually true. Dad bakes a lot which is nice because I like cake.
Mr Christopher said the muffins were amazing and Dad kept looking at his chest. I think he was trying to be subtle but it was very obvious to me. I asked him on the way home if he thinks Mr Christopher is handsome and he got all red again and started stammering.
I took that as a yes.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
PS: Innie thinks blueberry muffins are better than chocolate muffins. He is an idiot.
July 29th
Dear diary,
I am getting better at swimming. Innie is still better than me but I have made peace with that. As long as I am better at everything else in the world I guess it’s okay if Innie is better at swimming.
I asked Dad when he and Mr Christopher will go on a date. According to Dad that was a very presumptuous question. I had to look up what presumptuous means, but I don’t think it fits in this situation. I think it was a very appropriate question because Dad thinks Mr Christopher is very handsome and kind so what are they waiting for?
I asked Innie and he thinks maybe they are waiting for the next full moon. I don’t know why they would be waiting for that but I borrowed Dad’s iPad to see when the next full moon is. It is in 15 days. I told Dad and he looked at me like I’m crazy.
I said, ‘so then you and Mr Christopher can go on a date.’ He laughed and asked if I think Mr Christopher is a werewolf and I felt really stupid.
I am never asking Innie anything ever again.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
August 5th
Dear diary,
I have been taking swimming lessons for a month and I am pretty good now.
Today I asked Mr Christopher if he thinks my dad is handsome. He got very shy and his ears got all red. I know I probably shouldn’t tell him that Dad has a crush on him but I did anyway because I think it is annoying to watch them behave this way.
I think they should kiss even though kissing is icky.
He was like, ‘ah, you’re just saying that Seungminnie!’ and ruffled his hand through my hair and then Dad came to pick me up and I said, ‘please tell Mr Christopher that you think he is handsome because I just told him and he thinks I am lying.’
Dad got very embarrassed and red in the face again. I hope I have not inherited this trait from him because it seems very bothersome to get red in the face like that all the time.
He looked at me very intently and asked me why I would say that.
And then I got really annoyed because he’s so stupid. I told him to stop deflecting and said that Mr Christopher thinks he’s handsome so why can’t they just go out on a date or something. I said in the movies the couples always go to the cinema but I checked on the Internet and this week there are only boring films. So maybe Mr Christopher can just come over for dinner and Dad can make bibimbap and I will go to my room and they can watch Netflix and kiss if they want to.
Dad looked very red at this point and so did Mr Christopher. If I ever have romantic feelings for someone, I think I will move to the South Pole.
The rest of the conversation made me want to gag, so I won’t write the whole thing down. You can use your imagination!!!!
On the way home we went to the grocery shop because Mr Christopher is coming for dinner tomorrow evening.
Your best friend,
Kim Seungmin.
PS: I totally suggested bibimbap and not something else because it’s my favourite dish in the world.
PPS: We also got ice cream. FOUR FLAVOURS!!!
PPPS: Dad has been smiling all day and it is really icky but also kind of cute I guess.