Chapter Text
The first night back Nico was restless. Here he was living in a different neighborhood, a different street, a different house, but somehow everything felt the same. Somehow it was like no time had moved at all. It messed with Nico's head in a way that was also eerily familiar.
The constant drumming of early fall rain against the thin windows of the house did nothing to aid the growing headache caused by lack of sleep. The time passing in an unorderly fashion did nothing to ease the stress building up in Nico's chest. It was now the premature hours of the morning, the hours that still feel like night, and the buzzing of worry fluttering throughout Nico's uneasy body had not strayed for a moment since he turned out the light. At that point he figured that there really was no point in just lying there in agitated darkness, but his body still made no attempt to move to change that.
A shallow, airy, sigh slipped past Nico's trembling lips. The weighted feeling in his chest swayed as he inhaled once more. He could just imagine how bloodshot and heavy his eyes would look once he got up that morning. He couldn't bring himself to care, however.
The weather lessened slowly as time passed by. By the time the sun began to change the sky from a dark mass of clouds to a nearly clear array of dulled colors the rain was far gone. The sound of distant traffic was once again prevalent almost mocking in how loud it became. As the shadows that Nico's eyes had been fixating on the entire night faded and were replaced with the bright light the morning sun brought Nico kicked himself for not putting up his curtains as soon as he got there yesterday. His eyes stung so sharply from the new gleam that he couldn't help but wonder if this was some sort of punishment for being so utterly unmotivated.
Sounds of movement below his floor caught Nico's attention. The fact that it was still relatively early probably meant that his father was returning home. He had left almost as soon as they had gotten to the house yesterday and if Nico was being honest, he hadn't expected him back this soon. Either way there was no chance he was going down there now. Even if it wasn't his dad the possibility that it was too big of a risk.
When the sound of activity faded all was still once more. It did not last for long as nearly minutes after the sound of footsteps faded Nico could hear a door open and they started up again. Either his mother or sister was up now, most likely a cause of his father. Nico enjoyed the subtle stimulation brought to him by the task of trying to pick up every slight sound made. Of trying to discern what the person below was doing.
He could hear the tap running, and then a whirring of some sort of appliance. Nico decided they must have been getting coffee which did not narrow down the question as to who was up at all seeing as everyone but him in his family were coffee drinkers. Nico could hear a chair being pulled across the wood floor with a screech, and a muttered pyrophanity at the noise. The voice was muffled to the point of which it was unrecognizable. He heard it all go quiet as the person settled into their chair and made no other movements. Nico's mind then drifted with nothing to entertain it only being brought back by the sound of another door being opened and then shut. Now both his mother and sister were both up. Nico could hear the sound of very light conversation being exchanged underneath. No words could be picked up, however.
Now that the morning had hit full swing Nico had the nagging feeling he should finally get up. But his body refused. The thought of laying vacantly in bed all day was too appealing for any common sense to dissuade it. Just lying on his aching back, all limbs numb and splayed at his sides, eyes focusing on nothing in particular. If he could he would spend every waking hour like that. But alas that was not an option, life still insisted on functioning and no anxious teenage boy could convince it otherwise.
The sound of his sister's footsteps nearing his door filled him with a dull sense of dread. He knew she was coming to wake him. He knew he would have to now get out of bed. He'd have to face the day and every single one after the current. His life here was about to begin again, there was no escaping it.
"Well, hello there sleepy head." Hazel's voice was filled with soft surprise when she opened the door and locked eyes with her very much awake brother. "Been up long?"
"You could say that." Nico resisted the urge to grumble, not wanting his sisters concern this early.
"Well come down now, mom wants to talk to you before she leaves."
As soon as Hazel closed the door Nico let out his pent-up groan of irritation. He forced his body to sit up. He winced as he very clearly heard his joints crack, and the pins and needles begin in his feet and hands. Sitting on the edge of the bed now his back was to his windows and the sun no longer shone in his eyes. Instead, it heated his back and billowed out from behind him leaving his shadow perfectly intact at his feet. He quickly destroyed it once he stood up, it now bent up the wall in a disturbing image of himself. Nico paid it no mind; he was too busy trying to keep himself upright. His vision swam, and his legs trembled, but he pushed through. Early morning vertigo was nothing new to Nico, in fact it would be strange without it. It lessened the longer he kept standing and moving.
Nico crept down the narrow hall, then down the narrow staircase. The amount of traveling his family underwent in the past few years left them in a house not nearly as big as the one they had lived in before. His father's mysterious spendings and refusal to work sure didn't help either. It was his mom that now paid for their livelihood. She paid for the small two floor two bed one bath one office turned into a bedroom house on the street eleven blocks away from an old home. She sure did not enjoy it either, if her stress levels were anything to go by.
The stairs led straight to the alcove that was the kitchen. Hazel was sitting at the round table that sat three. It used to sit four, but his mother and father had broken the fourth chair during an argument. They claimed it broke in the process of moving but both Hazel and Nico knew the truth. Afterall, they had heard their father throw it and had seen the deep bruise its contact had left on their mother's hip. Anyways it didn't really matter it was gone, there was no one there to ever use it.
In the living space that the kitchen opened out into sat his mother. Her thin black hair fell long over her hunched shoulders. Seeing it that way, down and splayed, always brought to Nico's mind the image of an old witch and her broom. Whether his mother's hair was reminiscent of the witch, or the broom Nico could never discern. From pictures Nico knew that her hair was once the same as his; thick and as vibrant as black can be, falling effortlessly in ringlets around her head, but time wore it down. Her hands were rubbing at her neck, a sign of the piling pressure sitting on her shoulders. Even from six feet away Nico could clearly see the already prominent wrinkles and veins protruding alone her thin hands. He could see the darker indent on her ring finger, the ring no longer there. She had given up on wearing it long ago, for all she knew it was still somewhere in Venice where it had been given to her.
"Morning mom." Nico sat down next to her on their old red couch. He said it to her in a whisper, timidness caused by the uncertainty of how she would react.
Maria's eyes raised to meet her sons in an instant. They too were once the same as Nico's; deep and dark brown. Now they too were dull and lacking in what once made them so enrapturing. When Maria spoke, her voice was still heavy with sleep. It was somewhat changing due to her fairly recent habit of relying on at least one pack of cigarettes to help her through the night. It was most definitely not the soft, warming, voice Nico had vague memories of from his early early childhood.
"Oh Nico, you're up, good."
Eye contact with his mother never lasts long for Nico. In fact, eye contact with anyone never does. He and his mother share that still, their general awkwardness when it comes to human interaction.
"Hazel said you needed to talk to me?" Nico got straight to the point, the sooner he could return to his bed and flee from this situation the better.
"Yes." Maria took a hollow breath as she turned her eyes to her now claspt hands in her lap and left them there. "I'm going to be very busy for the next few days, and I will not be here to take care of things, so I just need to know that you're prepared."
Nico raised an eyebrow, being forced to voice his confusion seeing as his mother could not see it written across his face, "Prepared for what?"
"Oh, you know," Maria's hands began to tightly rub each other as her silent state of strain grew, "School and such. You know when everything's happening, yes?"
"Uh, yeah." Nico let a sharp breath escape his nose, "Tomorrow is orientation at eight to ten, and then Thursday I start from eight to three thirty."
"Okay, and you have everything you need?" Maria nodded, her shoulders falling back a tad.
"Yep, and if I don't it's no big deal."
"If you don't?" When Maria's face pinched up harsh Nico immediately regretted saying that.
"Well, I mean it's only the first day, so they'll tell me and I'll be prepared for the next day." Nico hurriedly said, hoping that it'd once more put his mother at some degree of ease.
"Okay," Maria began to nod once more, "we just haven't done this in a while."
The way she said it made Nico think she was referring to herself more than as to her son. As if she was the one who was being thrown back into this unfamiliar situation. As if she was in Nico's place. Disregarding that she was right, it had been a while. It had been three years to be exact. Three years that seemed to stretch longer than they actually did.
"Don't worry mom I got it."
Nico yearned to put a hand on her shoulders, to keep it there as a firm reminder that he was there. But a simple action like that would only distress her more, so he perished the thought. No matter how distant she was Nico still couldn't help but feel liable for her. No matter how much discomfort being around each other caused the both of them Nico still couldn't help but ache for it at times. He supposed that was just natural.
"See to it that you do." A solemn look overtook Maria's face as she stood up.
Not another word was exchanged as she went back to the kitchen to make herself another cup of coffee. Nico sat nearly dazed as he pushed back his cuticles absentmindedly. His mother's switch in demeanor was nothing remotely new to him but now that her anxiety had dissipated for the moment he was now left to focus on his own.
Everything was going by so fast. The very decision to move back itself was rushed. Nico didn't know exactly what the cause of it was but he had a very definite guess. As much as he'd love to believe it was because his parents felt that their children needed a stable place to continue to grow up Nico knew that was not even a thought floating in either of their heads. It was most likely that their entire life was catching up on them. That they couldn't continue as was not staying in one place, and that coming back to the one place they had actually stayed before was just the easiest option. His parents didn't consider Hazel or Nico for a second. Even if they did, they'd have nothing to contribute anyways as they were as good as strangers with one another.
Nico didn't feel prepared in the slightest. From the moment they'd received the news he hadn't had a second to think, until the night before. That night was like a dam had broken and all the pent-up thoughts broke through until they entirely flooded Nico's brain. He realized he truly couldn't believe that this was happening. He knew it'd get real the second he stepped back into that school, and it only terrified him more. The fact that everything was so uncertain unnerved him. He found himself half wishing that the day would come and go so that it could all be over and half wishing that the day would never come so nothing could ever happen.
Nico turned to look at his sister. She sat with perfect posture; warm amber eyes fixed on her phones screen. If she was at all nervous about starting school, or being back, she didn't show it for second. But then again, she didn't have the memories of this place that Nico possessed. As much as he loved her, and as brilliant and thoughtful as she was, in the grand scheme of things Nico knew Hazel was a bit clueless. Or perhaps she was just stone cold like their father.
"Stop staring at me nerd, if you have something to say say it."
Nico blinked as Hazel grinned teasingly at him. He had been so lost in internal monologue he had forgotten that Hazel was even there and not just a memory. The light from the window behind her cast a golden sort of glow on Hazel's dark coily hair, it framed her face and fell only to her shoulders. The sun made a sort of shadow on her already dark skin. With her stunning smile and overall kind expression it was easy to tell that they weren't fully related. They both only shared their father's full, stiff, bottom lip as far as appearance.
"Sorry, I was just observing." Nico mumbled.
Hazel nodded and went back to her previous activity. She was long used to her brother's habits and traits. She understood most of them better than even he did. She also accepted and dealed with them, something other people had a very hard time doing. If he was being honest that's all Nico would ever ask in a person, that's what made her so special to him. Even if the fact that she was, hurt, and scared him. Even if the fact that sometimes when Nico looked at her, or he found himself feeling a too familiar bond with her, he felt a surge of panic and immediately could see everything going wrong and history repeating itself.
"Nico do you want me to leave you some or can I take the rest of this."
Maria held up the nearly empty coffee pot. Nico drank coffee on the rare occasion when he couldn't function without it. Seeing as he had no plans for the day than lying in bed and trying to piece himself together for the next day, he had no use for it and so he declined. His mother seemed perfectly happy with that. Nico watched her as she poured the dark liquid into her silver thermos. He watched as she placed the empty pot in the sink, then as she debated silently with herself if she should clean it or just leave it. In the end she just left it and went to grab her keys. Nico watched as she made sure that both he and Hazel knew she was leaving before she did. That way she didn't have to voice it and waste her time on half-hearted goodbyes.
The door was slammed closed so that it shut all the way. Then Nico was up, beelining for the stairs. Hazel side eyed him as he bounded up them, chuckling a bit to herself. Nico made his way back to his room at the end of the hall. At last, finding himself back on his bed, now in a heap.
Nico's eyes flitted over the contents of his room. Nothing was on the wall yet, and the only piece of furniture besides his bed was his old dresser. Everything else had not yet been moved in, his mother was still waiting on the movers since his father was sure as hell not going to help out and she wasn't going to do it on her own nor was she going to ask her kids for help. Because of that Nico knew that the boxes that littered his floor were going to remain there for a while. It was really no matter anyhow. All their furniture was old, the same furniture that had been there for as long as Nico could remember. Plus, they could very easily live without it, they had done it before.
With a groan Nico rolled onto his other side. Now he stared at the door. He hoped he would sleep that night; he didn't know what he'd do if he didn't. He did know he wouldn't sleep that day, not with the sun the way it was. He briefly considered putting up his curtains while he had the chance. But with a deep inhale he quickly thought otherwise.
~~~~~~
Nico had no idea when he had fallen asleep the night before but Wednesday morning, he awoke to his sister pounding on the door. With a body still heavy with exhaustion Nico reached for a loose shoe and threw it at the door in retaliation. Now that it was evident he was up Hazel left him alone.
Getting up that morning was easier than the day before. Although his dizziness and urge to fall back in bed still laid heavy on Nico's mind the sleep he'd gotten the night before helped to ease it. He still felt the tiredness that never left him but he now at least he felt rested.
After dressing and checking the time Nico headed downstairs. The large windows that framed the kitchen and the door allowed him to see his mother's car drive away. He was glad to see that he'd missed her even if it meant he'd have to walk to catch a bus. He didn't think he could handle her worrying that morning when he himself was already on the verge of panicking.
Hazel grinned when she spotted him, "Good morning!"
Noticing that she was futzing with something near the stove Nico asked, "What are you doing?"
"Wow, no greeting for me? Your wonderful, brilliant, sister who is thoughtful enough to be cooking your ungrateful little self breakfast?" Nico's brow furrowed and he opened his mouth, but he never had a chance to speak before Hazel beat him to it. "Yes, I know I know." She shook her head, "Before you object, I know you didn't eat yesterday. And I know it wasn't intentional and you just forgot but that doesn't matter."
Nico had nothing to say now that she had answered all his unspoken retorts. So instead, he just stalked off to the bathroom grumbling with an early morning sourness. Hazel knew it well and so it did not affect her in the slightest. In fact, it seemed to amuse her more than anything.
Brushing his teeth and washing his hands didn't take Nico long. But as he was turning to leave, he caught sight of his own reflection in the small mirror above the sink. Staring into his own eyes made Nico fidgety. The person staring back at him watched his uncomfortable manor with a kind of mocking expression. That person knew what Nico was thinking, knew what he saw. That person understood that Nico saw himself in a light that was lower than dirt. He saw himself the same way he had for years and years on end.
Nico thought his image was the vilest sight on the planet. It made his skin crawl, and his eyes want to retract into his skull. His wide nose twitched with the effort it took to keep Nico from smashing the mirror. His full bottom lip was pulled under ivory teeth, being let go only when the slight metalic taste of blood landed on his red tongue.
The thoughts that staring into the glass brought to him were overwhelming his senses. The child still hiding inside him, and behind the mirror, was left utterly confused by them. The child couldn't understand why this was the way he'd come to see himself. He didn't understand why now instead of staring into the glass with a feeling of curiosity caused by oneself there was hatred and disgust staring back at him.
With a shake of his head Nico drew his eyes away and wiped the tiny puddle of blood from his lip. The red stained his skin much like the red lines Nico often saw when his mind became desperate. Nico exited the bathroom and nearly plowed straight into his sister.
"Oh," Hazel gasped, "I was just coming to check on you since you were in there for a while."
"I was? How long?" Nico's eyes widened.
"Yeah, like ten minutes."
"Shoot, shoot, shoot."
Nico dashed to the kitchen. He grabbed the peanut butter toast his sister had laid on the table for him. With his free hand he grabbed his bag and swung it over his shoulder. Since his shoes were already on, he went straight for the door.
"You're welcome." Hazel hollered after him as he dashed out the door.
It was too late for Nico to thank her since he had already slammed the door. Running down the steps he cursed himself over and over. He could not be late today; he could never be late. He always was especially careful about things like this what with his mother the way she was but unfortunately Nico had a bad habit of getting lost in his head during inconvenient times.
As he ran down the sidewalk Nico barely had time to take everything in. These houses were new to him, with the exception of seeing them from a car window two days before. He had never really been around this area when he lived in Connecticut years ago. Nico was extremely glad for that. He didn't know how he was ever supposed to face his old street. Not with what had happened there three years ago.
The bus had just pulled up to its stop when Nico arrived. He was panting, and his brow was sopping with sweat, but he had made it. His lungs heaved so noisily he got several looks for various strangers as he made his way to the vacant back of the bus. He ignored them and collapsed into the seat, making sure to put his bag next to him to deter any unwelcomed company.
As his own gasping slowed the bus lurched forward. Nico didn't really mind buses as long as he was sitting alone, but he couldn't stand the sounds they made. They were loud and mechanic and grated on Nico's eardrums. So, he spent the ride with his headphones in his ears as he closed his eyes and tried to not watch the scenery pass as he knew it would only cause him to feel the strange aching pain of familiarity.
Nico's eyelids fluttered only when he felt his surroundings stop once more. Once he glanced out the window his breath caught in his throat. Yep, there it was, nothing about Summerfield Highschool had changed.
Nico's knees shook as he struggled to keep the memories threatening to resurface at bay. Everything felt, and sounded, far away. His mind was finding it increasingly difficult to remember where he was and who he was. All his mind could manage to choke out was the repeating though of 'I can't do this' 'I can't do this'. It built and built and built until Nico could no longer feel it.
"Young man? Are you alright? The bus has stopped now."
An unknown voice punctured Nico's repeating thoughts, causing a break for him to regain some stability. He was now able to recognize that he was in his well-known panic cycle. He also knew that he had to get out of it then and there. And so, Nico began to breath, and to move his arms and legs. He remembered where he was and who he was, and he squashed everything deep deep down.
Once he had his barings Nico looked up into the face of a middle-aged woman. She had a pointy face and wore large, framed glasses. Her hair was light and pulled back into a bun at the base of her head. The concerned gentle expression on her defined features only strengthened how Nico thought she looked the exact opposite of his mother. The woman was leaning down slightly, one of her hands rested on the corner of the seat in front of him.
"If this is your stop, do you need me to help you off. I don't mind I promise. I have a young boy who's afraid of cars and buses too."
When she said that it all clicked in Nico's head. She thought he was scared of the bus, that was probably why the bus hadn't left yet; they were waiting on Nico.
Nico shook his head, finally finding his words "No thank you, I'm okay now."
The woman seemed as though she wasn't totally convinced, she stayed where she was and waited for Nico to stand. He did so on still trembling legs. He tried his best not to let them give out on him as he walked out into the isle. He still felt not totally there but he was conscious enough to navigate out of the bus. He cast a final grateful glance to the woman who stared out the window at him. They waved to each other as the bus took off. Nico took another steadying breath and headed for the wide doors of the school.
Walking up the large brick steps Nico felt the nagging of a past experience. Nico glared and the feeling went away. He stopped at the tall glass doors to read a sign that said 'Newcomers Orientation in Gymnasium'. Keeping his vision straight he pushed through the doors and walked down the halls straight there.
Most people were already there once he got to the gymnasium. He, and a few other mildly late people, slipped in unnoticed. Once seated Nico focused on the man who was in the middle of the large room, speaking into a microphone. Nico couldn't see him too well, but he looked grizzled and old. He sat with perfect posture in his wheelchair, his voice meeting Nico's ears strongly.
Nico sat still and focused on his voice for two hours. If he concentrated, he could barely hear the slight whispering around him, and the scuffling of shoes. He could barely hear the whirring of a fan, or the echoing of mindless noise people made.
Once the man, who introduced himself as Mr. Brunner, finished he pointed to adults standing by the doors an explained that if they wanted, they could go to one of them for a tour. Most people did so but not Nico. He knew this place like the back of his hand. When he was younger, he had memorized its layout in preparation for one day attending the school just like Bi-.
Nico hurried out of the doors. He didn't care who he pushed out of the way, or who gave him a dirty glance. He just had to get out of there, he just wanted to go home. However, in his dazed mind Nico's eyes wandered, and his steps didn't follow the path he had laid out for himself. Before he knew it, he had gone down a wrong hallway. There were no people, no noise but his hollowed breathing and occasional footsteps. Nico shook his head, refusing to give in to the part of him telling him to just collapse and wallow in himself. All he had to do to leave was just turn around and walk the direction he had come from. But something caught his eyes before he could.
It was that classroom. The classroom Nico had fled from three years ago. Nico let a slow high-pitched sound tumble from deep in his chest. He felt his arm raise to reach out, to grasp the door handle. He couldn't let that happen. Nico would never let that happen. he could never go back in that classroom.
Nico's legs, as numb as they were, began to move. Time moved both fast and slow in that moment for Nico. He felt as though the world was whizzing by meanwhile his legs were taking him nowhere. Like a rodent trapped in its wheel. No matter if where he was going, he was moving away from that classroom, away from that door. That's all that mattered to Nico then.