Chapter 1: Un Pivot
Chapter Text
To say Regulus had made some questionable choices in his life would be at best an understatement. It was a fair assessment that he hadn’t entirely thought through blackmailing his father into aiding him with the emancipation paperwork, even though it further splintered his parents’ already strained marriage.
He’d thought through the fact that he was at an all-girl’s boarding school even less. Once he’d attained his status as émancipé, he’d started his transition. It had been foolish to think he ever could have kept it secret, truly, especially because he was in the spotlight enough with figure skating that the fact that he’d swapped to skating as a male didn’t go uncommented upon in the news.
It took months for his scheme to unravel, but in the end, even Orion couldn’t be held by blackmail for too long, no matter how good the material Regulus had on him was.
Regulus tried to live on his own for all of two more months, working with an online school to try and finish his bac . In the end, though, he was forced to admit defeat. It wasn’t at all a tough choice when faced with how deeply into depression he’d spiraled while all on his own. He made the choice on the first of June, and before reaching out to Sirius, he went through the necessary steps to switch to the UK. By July first, he’d declared his intent to compete using his British citizenship, and through the late summer and early fall, he went through the harrowing process of qualifying to compete for the UK.
He was terrified to reach out to the brother he hadn’t spoken with since Sirius had left the family three years earlier. It took him months of splitting his time between the UK and France before he finally managed it. He didn’t really expect a bad reaction, but he certainly wasn’t sure how to expect a warm reception, given that Sirius had seemed finished with all of the family.
When the line finally connected and his brother answered the phone, Regulus nearly forgot how to speak. “Sirius?” he croaked, tentative and full of audible fear.
“Reg? Regulus?” Sirius asked in return, his shock audible. “Reg, are you okay?”
“I–I,” Regulus stalled out for a moment. “J’ai besoin de– I need–help.”
“You need help? What kind of help? I can be in Paris today,” Sirius seemed to be moving, and Regulus couldn’t fight back the tears that welled up at the immediate willingness to help him.
“Non, non. I need… I need to get out of Paris. Please. S'il te plaît?”
“Won’t our parents have some issues with that?” Sirius asked, and Regulus laughed, the sound bordering on truly hysterical as it triggered sobbing.
“J’suis émancipé. I thought I could–I needed–please. Can I stay with you?”
“Of course. Of course, you can–I can book you a ticket, you can be here today, Reg.”
“J’ai un billet,” Regulus mumbled.
“Then you get on your train and you come here. I’ll meet you at the station, d’acc?”
“J’suis d’acc,” Regulus confirmed around painful sobs. “I–I know, peu de chances … mais, is there… a figure skating coach?”
Sirius gave a startled bark of a laugh. “I’ll ask around, I promise, Reg. You okay to get to the train?”
“Ouais. J’suis–” Regulus hesitated, biting back the urge to outright lie to his brother. “I don’t know how to be alone.”
“What happened to your school?” Sirius asked.
“J’suis pas une fille,” Regulus mumbled. Sirius was silent for a long moment.
“Oh. Oh, you’re out,” Sirius realized after a long moment.
“Tu devrais vraiment me chercher sur Google,” Regulus said by way of confirmation.
“I’ll… Google you. You know most people don’t just Google their family, right?”
“Mais, notre p–”
“Our parents are not a good benchmark of anything, they’re cousins .”
“Second cousins.”
“That’s still cousins, Reg.”
“I have to go. You’ll meet me?” It wasn’t worth fighting about, because even though the distinction did matter to Regulus, it never had to Sirius.
“I’ll meet you, I promise. I love you, kid.”
“Je t’aime, aussi,” Regulus sounded nearly embarrassed. He ended the call a moment later, to finish packing up his sparse belongings and to head for the train that would take him to his brother.
Sirius was waiting as promised, but it took a long moment of Regulus heading for him for him to actually recognize him. “Oh, Reg,” Sirius murmured, before reaching out to pull him in for a tight hug. “You look like you.”
The sentiment cut deeply into Regulus’ heart, because it was the first positive reaction to his radical shift in appearance that he’d had. “Merci,” Regulus murmured, muffled slightly against Sirius’ shoulder. “Merci pour tout,” Regulus added.
Sirius made a soft, pained sound. “You’re my brother, Reg. Always. Anything. Anything I can do. And I have good news already, I already found you a figure skating coach. That seemed pretty important, since apparently you’re competing for the UK, in the ISU European Championships, as a man.” Sirius’ tone was a blatant invitation for Regulus to start talking, and Regulus visibly balked in response.
“Oh,” Regulus genuinely hadn’t expected a coach to happen so quickly. “Tu es le meilleur,” Regulus declared.
“Nah. I just skate a lot, and I’m very good at being persuasive when I have to be. Are we talking about the fact that you waited months to ask about staying with me? Or that you didn’t tell me you were competing in the UK to start with?”
“Bah, ‘ockey ,” Regulus made a face, and Sirius laughed just as he’d hoped he would.
“Yeah, yeah, I know, we’re so beneath you. I watched your most recent competitions, Reg. You’re even better than you were before. C’mon. Please, talk to me about this.”
“I am myself, now. I don’t know what else to say. Can we leave it for now? I didn’t– I don’t know how to talk about the rest, not now.”
Sirius was silent for a long moment, as he contemplated the request. “Yeah. Congrats on that, by the way. How’d you get our father to agree?”
“...pas par des moyens légaux,” Regulus answered.
“Well, we stick to discussing illegal stuff when we’re at our flat, huh?” Sirius asked, cheerfully, as he finally started walking Regulus out of St. Pancras.
“Notre?” Regulus’ heart was beating so fast he was getting dizzy, but his brother was grinning, and his arm was around Regulus’ shoulder.
“Well, you’re going to live with me, aren’t you? So, it’s not mine, it’s ours,” Sirius reasoned. Regulus fell quiet as Sirius guided him through the tube, too preoccupied to even pay attention to where they were going. Trains were familiar enough, at least.
Sirius at least waited until they were at his flat before he began the interrogation. “Can I ask what made you need to get out of Paris? Why you switched to the UK?” Sirius asked, and Regulus hesitated.
“J’suis pas en difficulté,” Regulus said, quickly. “I… I tried, to be on my own. But I have never…” Regulus searched for the words for a long moment. “I do not know how to live on my own, with no one. I was…”
“Lonely?” Sirius suggested, sympathetically. “I can’t even imagine, Reg. I was never on my own, not really. Even when I moved into my flat, I still saw people regularly.”
“...Depressed?” Regulus proposed, instead of lonely, and Sirius hesitated.
“Yeah? How bad, lapin?” Sirius looked immensely concerned. Regulus shifted uncomfortably as he contemplated how to answer. “Did you think about hurting yourself?”
After a long moment, Regulus nodded. Sirius exhaled forcefully. “Did you try to hurt yourself?” Sirius followed up, and Regulus hesitated.
“Pas mal,” Regulus answered. “Clairement, je vis.”
“Okay,” Sirius murmured. “I… think we should try and get you in, to talk to someone, about that. And if you start feeling like that now that you’re not alone, I want you to tell me, okay?”
Regulus nodded immediately. “Je promets.”
“Okay. Good. Now. Illegal stuff. I want details,” Sirius was clearly doing his best to force his tone into something cheerful. Regulus huffed.
“If I share details with you , I risk the whole world knowing,” Regulus teased.
“What? No, I can keep a secret!” Sirius’ protest was accompanied by a broad grin.
“You have kept one secret in my entire life,” Regulus replied.
“That you know about.”
“Well, those are all I care about. Is it enough to say that I… blackmailed our father?”
“Well, I suppose, but there are at least eight things that I can think of that you could’ve used for that.”
“I did not use just one.”
“Did you leave any as back up?”
“Mais oui,” Regulus looked extremely unimpressed.
“So… what happened that you ended up all alone?” Sirius asked, and Regulus huffed.
“Believe it or not, I do not like our father.”
“Ah, fair. No friends?”
“J’ai des amis, mais… Evan et Barty…”
“Still with their parents,” Sirius nodded. “How’s that going? You guys just friends?” Sirius raised an eyebrow. Regulus flushed, deeply, and avoided his brother’s eyes. “I’ve seen some interesting videos, now. You kiss both of them. I’m just saying, I know you were raised in France, but that is not how friends kiss.”
“Nous ne sommes que des amis. We tried dating, but I–I didn’t like it. They are dating.”
“How long ago did you decide to be ‘just friends’?”
“Sirius!” Regulus protested.
“Big brother rights, I get to know about your dating life, c’mon, kid, share!”
“Around a year ago,” Regulus admitted, after a moment. Sirius’ eyebrows went up so far that Regulus briefly wondered if it hurt.
“You were seen kissing them very recently. With tongue .”
“ Sirius !”
“You were in public, Reg. I just found the bloggers following your skating career.”
“Why does it matter?”
“I just want to know if I need to be overly protective.”
“No, definitely non,” Regulus’ tone was firm. “Evan et Barty… ce sont de parfaits messieurs.”
“Glad to hear it. You still a virgin?” Sirius asked, and Regulus’ eyes flew wide. After a moment of gaping in horror at his brother, he whacked his shoulder. “Hey! No hitting, house rule!”
“Then do not be rude!” Regulus replied, firmly. “Or I will hit you!”
“Alright, alright, fair enough,” Sirius grinned, and Regulus narrowed his eyes, contemplating if he wanted to risk committing too much violence so immediately after Sirius had done him such a large favor. “So, it’s not much, but we can decorate it however you want, if you’re finished hitting me, I figured you could check out your room.”
“...I am done. For now,” Regulus declared, after a moment considering it.
“You’re very violent, huh? Must be how short you are,” Sirius teased, and Regulus sniffed in offense.
“I am a very respectable 169 centimètres,” Regulus protested.
“Yeah, I bet you are, but bud, that’s short. ”
“Ce n’est pas de ma faute,” Regulus frowned at his brother. “So be nice. You can be mean about things that I can control.”
“Okay, okay,” Sirius held up his hands in a gesture of peace. “I wasn’t actually trying to be mean, I’m sorry.”
“J’suis… délicat. About my height,” Regulus admitted, and Sirius softened.
“I’m sorry I teased, truly, Reg,” Sirius’ apology was so heartfelt that despite his usual poise, Regulus’ eyes stung with tears. “Hey. Hey, ça va?”
“Ouais. J'sais pas…” Regulus flapped a hand. “I do not know that anyone has ever meant an apology before, sauf toi. Désolé,” Regulus’ embarrassment was back in full force. “J’suis fatigué.”
Sirius’ expression was still almost disgustingly soft. If Regulus wasn’t feeling so exhausted, he probably would have made fun of his brother for it.
“Well, come on. This room is mine, that room has guitars and paints, which you’re welcome to use, and this is the spare room,” Sirius said. “Which is now your room, so we can change it almost however you want.” Regulus didn’t dislike the room on sight, which was something of a surprise, because he and his brother had always had diverging tastes, but the neutral, monochrome color palette that Sirius had decorated in was actually rather soothing.
“It’s lovely,” Regulus admitted.
“Effie, James' mum, helped me. She helped with the sitting room too,” Sirius admitted.
“Ah, ça a du sens,” Regulus nodded.
“Think you can call it home?” Sirius asked, and Regulus dropped his bags so that he could wrap his arms tightly around his brother.
“Mais oui, parce que tu es là,” Regulus whispered, and the sound that Sirius made was outright alarming, but he returned the hug just as tightly.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know how that feels, bud,” Sirius whispered after a long moment. “I’m really glad you called, Reg. I’m proud as fuck of you for managing like you did, but I’m… so glad you knew you could call me when things got hard. Even if I still want to know more about how it happened.”
“J’savais pas,” Regulus admitted. “I hoped.”
“Well, I hope you know, now. I’ve got your back, Reg.”
“I know, now,” he assured his brother.
“Good. You get unpacked, settle in. I figure we can go out for dinner, so you can see some of the neighborhood. D’acc?”
“J’suis d’acc,” Regulus confirmed, with a nod. “Merci beaucoup, Sirius.”
“Pas de problème, Regulus,” despite the fact that he’d have doubted anyone else, Regulus truly believed that Sirius meant that Regulus hadn’t caused any problems.
It had been almost a decade since Regulus had last been in London longer than it took to pass through it to Sheffield. The city was unfamiliar, and yet, felt oddly safe in a way that Paris had taken years to be.
“Where are we?” Regulus asked, as they left the flat.
“This is the beautiful Camden Town,” Sirius answered with a sweeping gesture to try and encompass the neighborhood. “I figure we’ll head for the markets, there should be something even you’ll eat.”
“J’suis pas picky,” Regulus mumbled, but he wasn’t even looking at his brother or where he was going, as he tried to take in as much of the city as possible.
“Sure you’re not. I have trouble believing you just outgrew your pickiness.”
“Bien, I did .”
“Hmm. We’ll see. How are you not flat on your face, right now?” Sirius asked, as Regulus managed to navigate a crowded, cracked pavement without hesitation–or glancing away from the other side of the street.
"Réflexes," Regulus answered. “J’peux lire en marchant.”
“What, like, read books while walking?” Sirius laughed incredulously. “That shouldn’t surprise me. Now I’m picturing you with your little sash and beret, reading while you walk.”
“Ne parle pas de ça, s'il te plaît,” Regulus requested, and Sirius winced slightly.
“Of course, désolé,” Sirius soothed, and it was again so genuine that Regulus’ heart skipped a beat. “I didn’t see a violin among your belongings,” Sirius added, and Regulus faltered.
“I sold it,” Regulus admitted. “I… um. I made some choices.”
“We’ll get you another,” Sirius said, immediately. “Money is not a problem.”
“Non?” Regulus raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“Uncle Alphard likes me,” Sirius shrugged. “I get the sense he’s living vicariously through me. I imagine he’d like to see you, too. You went out of the family with an even bigger bang than I did.”
“Not big enough for you to hear about it,” Regulus huffed.
“Oh, I live with my head buried in the sand,” Sirius dismissed. “I’m sure he heard all about it. He kept me updated on you for the last three years. Well. Except for when you make the international news, of course. Junior Worlds champion, then European and Worlds, before deciding to switch to the UK,” Sirius’ tone was back to teasing. Regulus flushed, ducking his head out of flustered embarrassment. “Obviously, you already qualified for the men’s singles, so there’s not like… any concern about you not competing this winter, but your coach is making sure everything is squared away,” Sirius added, and Regulus’ breath caught painfully before he turned to wrap his brother in a tight hug.
Sirius laughed, and shifted so that he could pick Regulus up and spin him around. “What’s this for, huh?”
“The best! You are the best!” Regulus declared, before enthusiastically kissing his brother’s cheek. “J’suis désolé that I don’t want to talk about it yet,” Regulus added.
“We both know I’ve never been good at being patient, but I’ll try and respect that. Will you do me a favor in return, though?” Sirius asked, and Regulus immediately was on the defensive. “I want to pull a prank on my friends with you.”
It was such an utterly Sirius thing to say, to put on the same level, to declare the debt inconsequential immediately, and Regulus had never adored his brother more. “Bien sur! What prank?” Regulus asked, and Sirius’ eyes sparkled as he laid out a very simple plan; pretend that Regulus spoke no English, until they could find the funniest moment to reveal that he’d understood everything all along.
Regulus was on board in a heartbeat.
As he settled in, he came to the conclusion that he didn’t mind having to move to London at all, even if he’d miss France.
His brother didn’t even make him wait a single, full day before getting him back on the ice.
—
James was no stranger to the absolute rage that figure skaters could contain in their usually relatively tiny bodies. Sharing a rink often resulted in tension, from both sides. But this was, in his living memory, the first time a figure skater had ever gone past passive aggressive into downright aggressive.
James had to grant that he, as a hockey player, often left the ice in a different condition than a figure skater did with all of their spins and their horrifying, potentially lethal toepicks. He assumed that was what he was currently being yelled at. He wasn’t entirely sure, however, because he was currently being yelled at in French.
Admittedly, he wasn’t at all unhappy with that reality, because this particular figure skater looked how he imagined an angel probably would. His eyes were a flashing, brilliant silver. His face was pale, but his cheeks and lips were a beautiful rosy pink. His dark curls were currently being tousled by a hand that alternated between waving around and playing with his hair, as though he was trying to sooth himself. Yes, James was quite happy to stand and get yelled at, because it meant he had an excuse to gape at someone that he usually wouldn’t allow himself to take a second look at, for the feelings his appearance inspired.
If Regulus Black disliked anything about the UK, it was that he now shared the ice with hockey players during open skate times. He’d had a much more private experience while still in Paris. However, everything else had been significantly more miserable. So, even if he had to share, it was a significant upgrade.
Admittedly, though, he’d been excited to get to the ice and start skating so that he could escape his life for a little bit. Tragically, he arrived to find someone had already entirely destroyed the ice. The hockey player had all but gouged out a ring from the center of the ice, having clearly skated in circles for quite some time, and likely at top speed.
In retrospect, it was an embarrassing loss of control. However, in the moment, Regulus had felt nothing except blinding rage as he’d joined the hockey player on the ice, and very deliberately and aggressively cornered him in order to give him a piece of his mind. Extensively, with several choice insults that were absolutely undeserved. He’d gone on to start insulting the hockey player’s very likely lovely mother when a hand landed on his shoulder and he startled magnificently.
Thankfully, it was just his brother. “Tu peux arrêter de crier, il ne comprend pas un mot que tu dis,” Sirius said, and both Regulus and the random hockey player startled again. “I see you’ve met my brother,” Sirius added, to the hockey player, and Regulus would have hit himself if it wasn’t obvious, because of course his brother knew the hockey player–they were even wearing matching hoodies, for the same team.
“Uh. I don’t know if this constitutes ‘meeting’ exactly,” the hockey player replied, but it was with a warm, brilliant grin.
“Regulus, c’est James,” Sirius introduced. “Prongs, this is Regulus. He doesn’t speak English, so forgive the rant in French.”
“Oh,” Regulus’ expression shifted to something almost apologetic, before he put on his most charming smile. “Enchanté, James. J'ai tellement entendu parler de toi. Sirius a oublié de me dire que tu étais si beau,” Regulus winked, and Sirius made an offended sound, putting a hand squarely on Regulus’ chest to shove him back almost a meter, simply because Regulus didn’t bother resisting the shove.
“No!” Sirius scolded, and James laughed, even though it was clear he truly hadn’t understood.
“What? Was he still scolding me?”
“No,” Sirius admitted, after a moment. “Regulus… Comportes-tu, s'il te plaît,” Sirius requested.
“Quelle? Il est très beau. S'il ne m'avait pas agacé avant, j'aurais commencé à flirter,” Regulus replied, and Sirius exhaled forcefully.
“...Was he flirting with me?” James asked as he picked up on the cognate, his cheeks flushing at the mere idea.
“Unfortunately,” Sirius admitted. “He said he would’ve flirted with you first, if you hadn’t annoyed him. James a une petite amie, Regulus.”
“Oh,” Regulus’ disappointment didn’t even have to be forced. Of course the cute hockey player had a girlfriend. “Chanceux pour elle.”
“So no flirting,” Sirius said, forcefully. “Pas de flirt.”
“J'suis pas d'acc avec ça,” Regulus replied sweetly, with another wink for James, but he did pat his brother’s shoulder on the way by, as he decided to try and practice on the part of the ice that James hadn’t thoroughly scored.
“He was flirting with me?” James repeated to Sirius when Regulus had left, and Sirius sighed dramatically.
“He’s… the worst. He’ll probably flirt with anyone. Someone taught him to flirt when he was like, twelve, and he never stopped.”
“So… is he… visiting?” James asked, as casually as he could, because discussing his family was something Sirius never did if he could help it, especially since he’d left his parents’ house three years previous.
“No,” Sirius murmured, after a long moment. “No, he lives with me now. I’ll–I don’t know what he wants to share, but I was his only option. He’s finishing up school online, in France, but he’s–” Sirius exhaled, and shook his head again. “Let’s not talk about that. It’s enough that he’s here, and here to stay, right?”
“Sure,” James agreed, as gently as he could. “So what was he yelling at me about?”
“Um. Things I really don’t want to say, because I adore your mum. He was very upset about the ice, though. Which, to be fair, Prongs, you did a number on it.”
“Yeah, yeah. Open skate is almost over and no one else was here,” James dismissed. “Come on. Let’s see if we can make him yell at me again.”
“No, no, no, I will not participate in intentionally upsetting him. He’ll put hair remover in my shampoo or something.”
“So he really is your brother,” James teased, and Sirius huffed. He shoved James lightly before turning to find his brother, currently idly looping around the ice in lazy circles.
“Regulus, tu veux de la musique?” Sirius called and Regulus paused, with a brilliant smile.
“Où?” Regulus asked, as he pulled his mobile from a vest pocket. Sirius snorted, but talked him through finding the aux cord.
James expected something classical, as figure skaters generally tended towards. The upbeat music that filtered through the speakers instead was entirely unexpected. Sirius’ immediate reaction once the lyrics started was also entirely unexpected.
“Non, non, non! Regulus! Tu es le pire! No!” Sirius cried, immediately heading to turn off the music. In the face of Regulus’ delighted laughter, however, Sirius’ firm expression wavered. Or it would’ve, until Regulus switched the songs. “Non! Pour la famille, peu importe la langue, d'accord? Merde!”
“What’s going on?” James asked, while Regulus switched the music to something Sirius didn’t immediately veto.
“Your mother would be horrified by those songs,” Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes.
“Vis un peu, Sirius. Tu es trop sérieux,” Regulus said, as he twirled away from Sirius, to go back to the lazy circles he was using to travel around the rink
“I am living! You’re obnoxious!” Sirius replied, but it was soft and clearly not intended for Regulus to hear. “I love this kid, Prongs, but I think he’s on a quest to make me lose my mind,” Sirius confessed in a whisper.
“What were the songs about?”
“They were both explicitly about sex. First ‘with your neighbor’, then he switched to ‘with your friend’,” Sirius sighed. “I’m not a prude, right, Prongs?”
James tried not to laugh. He wasn’t successful.
“You’re not a prude, I promise,” James finally wheezed. Sirius heaved a relieved sigh.
“Thank goodness, I was starting to doubt it,” Sirius looked genuinely relieved. Both of them startled when Regulus abruptly picked up speed. James couldn’t quite help his gape as Regulus completed a jump with seemingly zero effort, but Sirius’ reaction was even more extreme.
“I’m going to lose my entire goddamn mind,” Sirius shrieked, as he watched his brother. “Don’t–do not tell me that I just saw what I think I saw. You–that was impossible!”
“J’parle pas anglais, Sirius,” Regulus called back with a grin.
“Un quatre-A! C’est impossible!” Sirius was still shrieking, and Regulus’ grin widened. Holding a finger to his lips, he cocked his eyebrow, and Sirius, wordlessly this time, shrieked again.
“C'est mon secret pour l'instant,” Regulus informed them. “N'en parle à personne.”
“Don’t tell anyone,” Sirius repeated in English.
“I don’t even know what I’m not telling anyone,” James replied cheerfully. “It’s cool that you know enough to support your brother, Pads,” he added. Sirius’ expression shifted to a cheerful smile.
“Brat never shut up when we were younger,” Sirius was just as cheerful as James. “There’s only so many times you can watch someone practice before it starts getting into your memory.” Sirius and James both missed the intensely thoughtful look on Regulus’ face in response to that comment, largely because Regulus repeated the jump that Sirius had just shrieked about, and the entire outrage started all over again.
Regulus had to be dragged off the ice when open skate ended, and he complained the entire way, in rapid-fire, petulant French.
“Goodness, Reg, if I knew you were like this, I would’ve sent you alone,” Sirius grumbled.
“Sirius,” Regulus outright whined, a pout on his face. “Tu sais que je ne peux pas comprendre quand tu utilises l'anglais.”
“Yeah, I know you don’t understand English, that’s why I use it,” Sirius retorted. “C’est pourquoi je l'utilise.” Regulus’ pout increased, and James laughed.
“Oh, mate,” James started, to Sirius. “He’s cute .”
“You better mean that like you’d discuss a puppy, Prongs,” Sirius warned.
“Nah, you know how I mean it,” James shook his head, and laughed when Sirius punched his arm hard enough that he’d likely have a bruise. “What, he is!”
“You are a taken man, Mr. Potter!” Sirius protested. “And he’s barely seventeen.”
James snorted as he put on his skate guards. He paused for a second to take in Regulus with his sparkly green skate guards and green fuzzy socks. “I’m taken. Doesn’t mean I’m blind. And I’m only eighteen. Not all of us are ancient nineteen year olds with inflated senses of our own importance.”
“Just… ugh. Behave. Both of you. Regulus, tiens-toi bien.”
“Quoi? Je n’ai fait rien!” Regulus protested immediately.
“Jusque là,” Sirius muttered. “Prongs, want to grab brunch with us?”
“Sure,” James agreed immediately. “Regulus, you’re a brilliant skater.”
Regulus immediately looked to Sirius for a translation.
“Nah, you two figure out the language gap yourselves,” Sirius declared. “Devinez-le vous-mêmes.”
Regulus frowned at him for a moment before pulling out his mobile and holding it up to James. “Répète,” Regulus requested.
“Regulus, you’re a brilliant skater,” James repeated, and Regulus watched the words appear on the screen.
“Oh, Merci!” Regulus replied, warmly, once he’d translated the sentiment.
“You’re welcome,” James’ grin was broad and sunny, and had Regulus’ smile growing instantly.
“I should not have interfered,” Sirius sighed. “You two were better off with a language barrier.” When Regulus translated Sirius’ words, the pout was back immediately.
“Sirius,” Regulus started, before pausing. “Je veux être gentil avec tes amis.”
“Tant que tu es juste gentil.”
“Quoi?”
“Don’t worry about it, ne t’en fais pas,” Sirius waved it away. “Right. Reg’s a vegetarian. Where’s that café Lily likes?”
“Oh. Yeah, that’s nearby. You’re vegetarian? Any reason why?” James asked, and Regulus hesitated over the answer for a moment.
“Personnellement, je n'aime pas manger des choses mortes, quand j'ai le choix.” James read the answer and nodded.
“Fair enough. Did you often not get a choice?”
Regulus laughed when he read the question. “J’suis français! La plupart d'entre nous mangeons notre viande alors qu'elle est à peine morte.”
“Oh, ew,” James replied, with a face. “Barely dead? That sounds horrible.”
“The French prefer their beef still mooing,” Sirius added, and Regulus laughed when the comment translated. “Shall we see if anyone else is up for brunch? Reg? How do you feel about meeting my friends?”
“Je veux être gentil avec tes amis,” Regulus repeated emphatically.
“Well, we’ll see if we can get past your bitch mode, then,” Sirius mumbled, but Regulus’ mobile picked him up. Sirius only laughed when Regulus whacked him in response to the insult, before he paused for a moment to type out a text.
“Is this what having siblings is like?” James wondered.
“Non, c'est spécial pour Sirius,” Regulus replied.
“Yes, Prongs, this is what having siblings is like,” Sirius ignored his brother’s response. Regulus’ pout grew.
In the end, it was just Remus and Lily who ended up meeting them at the café. Regulus looked incredibly bored by the displays of romantic affection that both couples went through.
“Regulus, this is Remus, and Lily,” Sirius introduced. “Remus is–”
“Ton petit ami, j’sais. Bonjour, Remus. Si tu blesses mon frère, je te ferai souhaiter que tu sois mort,” Regulus greeted cooly, and James, who had pulled out his mobile instead of sharing Regulus’, gave a choked off laugh of surprise. He showed Remus, who nodded seriously. Lily, however, outright laughed without even being shown the translation. Regulus’ expression shifted to a delighted expression as he turned to Lily. “Ah! Tu parles le français?"
“Un peu, un peu,” Lily waved it away. “J'ai étudié à l'école. Parles-tu anglais?”
"Non, je parle le français, le russe, et l’espagnol, seulement,” Regulus did a very convincing job of looking extremely sad.
“Et un peu d’arabe, aussi,” Sirius contributed.
“Un tout petit peu,” Regulus said emphatically.
“So you’re half English, but you didn't learn the language?” James asked, and without waiting for their phones, Lily translated the sentiment.
“Ça n'a jamais été important,” Regulus shrugged. “Je comprends la plupart des mots du patinage artistique, de quoi d'autre ai-je besoin?”
“The phone will have to do that one, if Sirius isn’t,” Lily commented before repeating it in French, and Regulus gave her a warm smile.
“Oh. You know figure skating words, that makes sense. I suppose you probably wouldn’t need much else, if you planned to stay in France,” James agreed, and they left that to the phone to translate, too. Regulus nodded. “Why didn’t you stay in France?” The question froze Regulus’ friendliness immediately, his expression falling neutral and just a little bit cold.
“Assez à propos de moi. Vous pouvez tous parler,” Regulus said.
“Right, okay,” Sirius winced. “Es-tu sûr que c'est bien de parler sans toi?”
“Ouais.”
“Okay, so. Reg’s obviously new in town. I think we need to have a party. Any takers on helping me plan?”
“You know we’re all always down for a party, Pads!” James replied, with enthusiasm that didn’t even appear to be forced.
Regulus carefully pretended not to have any idea what the group was discussing, even as they planned a ‘surprise’ party for him, an idea which his brother surely knew was going to get an overly dramatic response.
Regulus had never been one for surprises he wasn’t directly involved in planning.
Chapter 2: Le Patinage en Trio
Notes:
Once again, huge thank you to Moormage14 for absolutely amazing support as a beta reader and friend!!
Introducing: Reg/Evan/Barty, my beloveds
TW: PTSD, nightmares, discussion of past (physical, emotional) child abuse
Le Patinage en Trio: Skating as a Trio
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The second night that Regulus was with Sirius, his night started off with nightmares. Rather than risk them progressing into night terrors, which might wake his brother with their intensity, he merely relocated himself.
His choice of location meant that in new, exciting, and, in retrospect, rather hilarious ways to be awoken, Regulus had the singular delight of making his brother shriek in surprise.
“Si haut!” Regulus commented, as he rubbed his eyes and stared up at Sirius, who looked genuinely frightened as he clutched his heart in shock.
“Merde, Reg, you know you can sleep in the bed, right? I showed you your room?” Sirius asked, and it was so breathless that Reg couldn’t help his laughter.
“I scared you!”
“Obviously you scared me!” Sirius looked exasperated, now. “Why are you in the bath, Reg? Well. The bathtub, I suppose. You brought your duvet?”
“C’est confortable,” Regulus answered after a moment considering it. “Et j’ai des cauchemars quand je dors dans un lit.”
“But you don’t have nightmares in the bath?” Sirius rubbed his eyes, and he looked thoroughly exhausted. “We’ll talk about that when it’s not three in the morning. For now… go sleep on the couch or something.”
Regulus sighed, but obliged the request. He headed towards the room that Sirius had graciously given him, and after a moment considering his options, headed towards the closet. It was just big enough that if he curled up on his side, he could fit. It took him a few moments to get comfortable, but then he kicked the door mostly shut and went back to a thankfully nightmare-free sleep.
For the second time that day, Regulus was woken by his brother being unusually loud. This time, though, instead of startled, Sirius sounded worried . “Regulus? Regulus, où es-tu?”
“Ici,” Regulus called back, and it took a few seconds before his brother opened the closet door. Sirius looked as frightened as he had when he’d stumbled upon Regulus’ first choice of sleeping arrangements.
“Fuck,” Sirius mumbled after a long moment just staring at Regulus. “Kid, you’re going to give me a heart attack, and I’m not even twenty. I thought you’d left without saying something.”
“Non, j’suis ici,” Regulus pointed out the obvious.
“ Why ?” Sirius didn’t look angry, he looked bewildered, but Regulus still shrunk back out of fear. “I’m not upset, Reg, just worried.”
“I didn’t want to wake you,” Regulus answered. “If…”
“If what, bud? C’mon, I’m not gonna judge you,” Sirius sighed, as he plopped down to sit cross-legged on the ground so they were closer to eye level.
“If I sleep… dans un lit, with nightmares, they become… fort,” Regulus finally said, and Sirius sighed again.
“It’s okay if your nightmares wake me up, Reg. In fact, I’d rather that than you trying to sleep somewhere not meant for sleeping.”
“Mais… I sleep well, when I am… comme… un sépulcre.”
“Oh, oh goodness, Reg, please don’t describe things as tombs.”
“Mais–” Regulus was outright frustrated, now, and the pressure of tears had formed behind his eyes, which was utterly unacceptable. “Comment dit-on,” Regulus started, and halted, as he forced his brain to come up with words to describe the feeling. “Safe. Surrounded. Protected.”
“Oh,” Sirius didn’t say anything else for a long moment. “You think tombs feel safe?”
“Des sépulcres ,” Regulus emphasized. “Et des cryptes, et des catacombes, et des grottes."
“So it’s the sensation of being surrounded by rock, not the dead part,” Sirius realized, when Regulus added ‘caves’, and Regulus nodded emphatically. “Right. Okay. Could be weirder, for sure. I’m more worried about you not wanting to wake me when you’re in distress.”
“Je ne veux réveiller personne,” Regulus commented. “You are not special, in this.”
“Gee, you sure do know how to make a guy feel loved,” Sirius returned, dryly. “How are you not incredibly sore?”
“J’sais pas. Quelle est l’heure?”
“It’s a little after eight o’clock. Did you sleep enough?”
Rather than answering with words, Regulus merely unfolded himself, and started to pick up the small nest he’d created in the closet.
“You did sleep in the bed the night before last, right? I didn’t imagine that?”
“Ouais. Mais, j’avais pas des cauchemars avant-hier soir.”
“Okay. So. If I find you sleeping someplace weird, it means you had nightmares. That’s good to know,” Sirius nodded. “Do you get nightmares a lot?”
“Meh. The average amount, j’pense.”
“Reg, the average amount is to have one occasionally , if ever. And only one in two adults report having nightmares 'occasionally’.” Regulus froze where he was currently making his bed, the duvet hanging limply from his hands.
“Occasionally?”
“Parfois,” Sirius repeated it in French for emphasis.
“So… I have more than average?” Regulus winced as he reported it.
“...All the more reason to get you in to talk to someone about your mental health. I had nightmares too, during and… uh… right after I left our Mother's... care.”
“Care,” Regulus’ tone was flat as he repeated the word. Sirius flinched slightly in response.
“Care,” Sirius repeated weakly.
“Ils s’en fichent pour nous,” Regulus asserted, and Sirius nodded emphatically.
“J’sais,” Sirius affirmed. “I know they don’t care about us.”
“They abused us,” Regulus’ voice was firmer, almost harsh.
“I try not to say it like that,” for all that Regulus had grown firmer, his brother had weakened, to the point that his voice was barely a whisper.
“Pourquoi non?” Regulus asked, and Sirius hesitated.
“Well, it makes people ask questions, for one, and our family is pretty high profile.”
“They should. They should ask questions.”
“Do you really want to answer them, though?”
“If it makes our parents suffer, mais oui.”
“Huh,” Sirius didn’t follow up immediately, and Regulus waited until he’d finished making his bed to look at his brother. “You’re a little more ruthless than I am, I think. And stronger.”
“J’suis pas ruthless ,” Regulus commented. “Just angry.”
“Fair enough,” Sirius murmured, before turning and heading for the kitchen. Feeling acutely as if they’d gotten off on the wrong foot, but unsure how to correct it, Regulus followed him.
“I plan to meet Barty and Evan today. Evan got permission to come visit Barty.”
“But not you?” Sirius asked, and Regulus shrugged.
“Most parents dislike me,” Regulus replied, and Sirius huffed.
“More likely, our father told lies about you to his parents.”
“Most likely, our father told the truth about me.”
“What truth would that be?” Sirius asked with casualness that looked forced, as he started cracking eggs into a bowl.
“What do most adults think the combination of strong-will and willingness to do some illegal things constitutes?” Regulus’ french accent was almost unbearably thick, but he was immensely proud of himself for getting the entire sentence out.
“Oh. You’re trouble, for sure,” Sirius nodded emphatically. “I’m still trying to figure out what kind of trouble.”
“None that you would disapprove of,” Regulus assured. “Do you even know what you are doing?”
Sirius huffed. “I’m making scrambled eggs. I can make scrambled eggs.”
“Hmm,” Regulus did not look convinced. “You have ah, la coquille.”
“Shit, really?” It took Sirius a long moment to fish out the eggshell. Regulus, despite the seriousness of their previous conversation, had to work extremely hard not to laugh.
“Donne le moi,” Regulus requested, holding out his hands for the bowl. “You, sit.”
“Bossy,” Sirius muttered, but took a seat on the counter to watch Regulus take over cooking. “So. You’re seeing your boyfriends today.”
“Ils ne sont pas mes ‘boyfriends’!” Regulus squawked, looking horrified. “ They are boyfriends, they are my friends.”
“Mm, yeah, I know, kid, but it’s fun to tease you, anyway. Do you know how you’re getting wherever you’re going?”
“Barty is picking me up!” Regulus chirped, brightly, his horror shifting to genuine joy.
“Wonderful, I get to threaten him. It’s only fair after you threatened Remus.”
“Mais Remus est ton petit ami et Barty is not my boyfriend."
“Ah, but you kiss him. So. I get to threaten him too.”
“...Did Remus take me seriously?” Regulus asked, instead of addressing Sirius’ notion, and Sirius huffed.
“He was delighted and wanted to know what your methods were likely to be. I think he was contemplating hurting me just to find out, for a moment. Remus is… a bit like you, really. I don’t want to follow up on that.”
“I like him,” Regulus nodded. “I like that he was trying to ask what I enjoyed rather than just plan a generic party.”
“Yeah, he’s a sweetheart,” Sirius sighed, with a soppy smile.
“Eugh,” Regulus protested. “ Disgusting . Stop.”
“Oi! I live here too, I can be soppy in our home!” Sirius protested.
The fact that Sirius once again asserted it was their home cut through all of Regulus’ urge to tease his brother, and he fell silent as he whisked the eggs, willing himself not to be effusive with his emotions.
“Reg? You okay?” Sirius’ voice was gentle, now, and Regulus couldn’t resist the overwhelming need to cry in the face of it. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong, bunny rabbit?”
The nickname sparked a sob, and Regulus had to set down the bowl to cover his mouth and try to suppress the awful noise.
“Shit. Shit, Reg,” Sirius looked panicked.
“Désolé,” Regulus managed. “Sorry.”
“No, you’re okay, I just don’t know what’s wrong!”
“Home,” Regulus doubted anything meaningful was conveyed by the word. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”
“Stop apologizing, you’re not doing anything wrong.”
“Je n'ai pas eu de ‘home’ depuis l'âge de dix ans,” Regulus managed, after several minutes of trying to keep his breathing steady. “You are my home.”
“Oh, Reg. Can I–is it okay if I hug you?” Sirius asked, and after a long moment considering it, Regulus nodded. The hug was almost painfully tight and desperate. “Well. I feel like we’ve gone through a full range of emotions this morning, and it’s… not even nine.”
Regulus laughed, but it was choked with tears. “Okay, okay, bien,” Regulus declared, after several long moments just hugging his brother. “Breakfast.”
“Breakfast,” Sirius agreed as he stepped back and let Regulus return to work.
Regulus was practically bouncing by the time he’d showered and dressed for the day.
“I’m starting to doubt your assessment that you’re just friends,” Sirius commented. “You’re… as disgusting as I am about Remus.”
“No, I’m not,” Regulus denied, though his cheeks flamed. “Except for a few brief hours, when they attended my competitions, we have not seen each other in a year .”
“Oh,” Sirius murmured, quietly, looking apologetic. “I hadn’t realized. You’ve been resigned to mostly long-distance, even when you’re in the same city.”
“Mhmm,” Regulus confirmed.
“Then I hope you have a great time with your friends, Reg, truly,” Sirius wished, and Regulus smiled at his brother.
“Merci beaucoup, Sirius,” Regulus replied. When the doorbell buzzed, Regulus practically flew to check who it was before he threw open the door.
The kiss with which he greeted Barty was distinctly in the realm of ‘thorough’ and ‘romantic’ from an outsider’s perspective, and the way that Barty fully lifted Regulus off the ground had Sirius momentarily concerned his brother might be about to do something horrifying, like wrap his legs around his ‘not boyfriend’.
“Hey, love,” Barty murmured, when the kiss ended, pressing his forehead against Regulus’ as he set him back on the ground.
“Salut, chéri,” Regulus replied, and Sirius couldn’t help himself any longer. He doubled over at the waist with an absolutely riotous laugh.
“Oh my god, I don’t fucking believe you, Regulus,” Sirius was back to practically shrieking, though it was around his laughter.
“I feel like there are worse reactions,” Barty defended Sirius when Regulus turned and looked at his brother in exasperation.
“Oh, Crouch, I’ll fucking castrate you if you hurt him. Just so we’re clear,” Sirius threatened, but it was accompanied by wheezing laughter, and lacked impact.
“Eh, you’re behind Evan for that honor. And behind me, for Evan, to be clear. And we're all behind Reg, let's be honest,” Barty shrugged. His arms were still around Regulus’ waist in a casual, affectionate touch that had Sirius immediately back in laughter as he took it in.
“What is so funny?” Regulus sighed, and it just made Sirius laugh harder.
“I thought you were playing it up for your fans, honestly,” Sirius admitted when he’d gotten his laughter somewhat under control. “But you’re just… like this.”
“I don’t understand,” Regulus looked to Barty beseechingly.
“Don’t worry about it, Reg,” Barty said, immediately, his thumb caressing Regulus’ temple to smooth away his frown. “It’s okay.”
“Fucking hell. This is… oh my god. You’re–” Sirius headed for the couch and tossed himself face-down to continue laughing.
“Sirius?” Regulus asked, when Sirius finally managed to stop laughing. “Are you… okay?”
“I’m fine, kid. I’m great, actually. Go. Have fun. Do whatever you do that isn’t dating, but that I have a feeling is something I’d think constitutes dating if I were doing it.”
“En français?” Regulus requested, and when his brother repeated it, he sighed dramatically. “We will. We will have fun,” Regulus declared, instead of addressing anything else. “You have fun too.”
“Oh, I will. I plan to tell my boyfriend all about you and your not-boyfriends. You and Evan are going to be like this, too, aren’t you?”
“Not your business, if you are going to laugh at me,” Regulus replied, firmly. “I love you.”
“Love you too, kid. You’re the best. Go, have fun, be safe.”
Regulus narrowed his eyes at his brother for a long moment before he linked his fingers securely with Barty’s and tugged him out of the flat.
“How are you liking the UK?” Barty asked, as they started walking towards the tube. Regulus leaned into him, slightly, and looked up at him with a bright smile.
“It is… nice. I am pretending to know no English, with Sirius’ friends, it is funny. But the hockey players, they ruin the ice.”
“Aww,” Barty looked genuinely sympathetic. “I’m sorry, Reg. That’s your least favorite thing. Did your brother find someone willing to take you on?”
“Yes, but I will not meet her until tomorrow,” Regulus replied. “She is working to make sure I can still compete, I am hopeful.”
“That’s great,” Barty squeezed his hand. “It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you so much.”
“Me also,” Regulus replied, stopping to wrap his arms around Barty again. “You grew,” he accused.
“And you didn’t,” Barty responded without hesitation, which earned a pout from Regulus. Without even a heartbeat’s worth of hesitation, Barty immediately kissed away the pout. “C’mon. We’ll be late.”
“Désolé,” Regulus’ tone made clear that he was not, in fact, actually sorry. He still restarted movement when Barty did, though.
The instant he spotted Evan’s golden hair, Regulus was sprinting for him. The broad smile that Evan gave him when he spotted him as well didn’t make him hesitate, but it did make him blush, especially when Evan easily lifted him and spun him around when they finally made contact. Just like he had with Barty, Regulus wasted very little time before he kissed Evan as thoroughly as he could without being outright obscene.
Once Barty reached them at a much more sedate pace, Evan set Regulus back on his feet, but kept an arm around him even as he reached out to pull his boyfriend in for a softer, much less involved kiss.
“I’ve missed you both so much,” Barty sighed, with a brilliant smile.
“Moi aussi,” Evan murmured.
“Do we have to say it?” Regulus asked, but it was largely in jest. He leaned in for a slightly tighter hug for a long moment. “I missed you both. More than I knew I could. I am very glad we can be together for today.”
“Us too,” Evan confirmed, before giving them each another quick peck. “I hear we are going to do something boring today.”
“N’est pas ‘boring’!” Regulus protested in mock offense, as he situated himself between his friends, so he was holding one of both of their hands. “We are going to look at art, and discuss which ones we would steal if we could. En français, of course.”
“Sounds boring,” Evan teased. “I’d rather… j’sais pas.”
“Mm,” Regulus contemplated it for a moment. Evan always did best with athletic activities, or at least with being outdoors. “Barty, Barty, can we–the Tower?”
Barty laughed. “Sure. We can go to the Tower,” Barty agreed. “Even though all of us know you’re going to ditch us for the Ravens.”
“Ils parlent!” Regulus pointed out. “Et, je n'ai pas l'intention de lâcher l'un de vous.”
“Yeah, we figured,” Evan replied, but it was warm and affectionate. “We don’t plan to let go of you either.”
It turned out that not letting go of two different people was actually quite tricky on the Tube, when one couldn’t sit down. In the end, Regulus settled for leaning against Evan while still holding Barty’s hand.
The instant they reached the Tower, Regulus entered an unfamiliar mode that Barty immediately labeled ‘tourist’. The number of pictures he demanded they take would’ve irritated his friends, if he hadn’t looked so pleading when requesting them.
As predicted, Regulus spent a great portion of their day following ravens around and trying to get them to speak with him, but he did so without letting go of his friends. When his mobile buzzed with an incoming text message, he merely requested that Evan retrieve it from his pocket and check it for him. None of the three of them seemed at all uncomfortable with that particular request.
“Your brother… wants us to join him and his boyfriend for dinner?” Evan reported, but it came out as a question. Regulus sighed heavily.
“He wants to tease,” Regulus said solemnly. “Well?”
“I’m game. He was entertaining when I picked you up.”
“Did he threaten you?” Evan asked curiously.
“Just the usual castration,” Barty replied, and Evan sighed.
“Si peu imaginatif,” Evan complained.
“I told him he’d have to get behind you in line, and we're both after Regulus, of course.”
“C’est vrai,” Evan nodded solemnly. “I am willing to do dinner with him and his boyfriend. Do you like his boyfriend?”
“Oui! Remus est très gentil!” Regulus chirped. “And he took my threat seriously! Mais, he thinks I speak no English.”
“Ooh, a prank,” Evan jostled Regulus slightly, and Regulus beamed at him. “Ton favori.”
“Ouais. C’est l'idée de Sirius,” Regulus’ expression clearly showed how pleased he was about that fact. “Tell him we will be back at half six,” Regulus added.
Evan typed out the text, including signing it, before dropping Regulus’ mobile back in his pocket. “And until then?”
“Je veux une glace.”
“C’est Novembre!” Barty laughed. “You won’t find any ice cream, love.” Regulus’ pout returned full force. “Pouting won’t change the season.”
“Evan, embrasse-moi, j’suis triste,” Regulus requested, and Evan laughed before obliging him with a thorough kiss.
Regulus didn’t bother letting go in order to let his friends into his and Sirius’ flat, either. Sirius and Remus were sitting in clear view of the door, and Regulus only looked slightly miffed when both of them laughed at the fact that Regulus refused to let go of either hand.
“Have you been like that all day?” Sirius asked, with a broad grin. “That’s weirdly adorable and also hilarious to imagine. I get why Evan texted me back, now, though.”
“J’suis offensé que tu nous trouves ça drôle,” Regulus sniffed in exaggerated offense.
“I know you speak English, you can if you want to,” Remus said. Evan automatically relayed the sentiment in French, and Regulus’ eyes narrowed.
“Je ne parle pas l’anglais,” Regulus maintained.
“Oh, I really thought that would work. Hmm,” Remus looked like he was reevaluating his entire concept of Regulus, and Regulus was not sure he enjoyed the experience. “What if I promise to help you maintain the ruse?”
Evan repeated it again, and Regulus narrowed his eyes further, enough so that Remus, wisely, looked genuinely uncomfortable under the scrutiny.
“Jure sur la vie de Sirius, que tu ne le diras pas,” Regulus finally requested. Evan’s eyes widened slightly.
“He wants you to swear–”
Evan was cut off by Sirius’ offended exclamation of: “Why on my life?” Evan repeated it in French, because Regulus glanced at him.
“C’est plus cher que le sien,” Regulus replied.
“He wants you to swear you won’t tell anyone, on Sirius’ life, because it’s more dear to you than your own,” Evan finished translating for Remus. Remus, briefly, looked surprised.
“I swear on Sirius’ life that I will never share any of your secrets, no matter how inconsequential I may find them, without the express consent of you, Regulus Black.”
“Bon,” Regulus decided, before nodding firmly. “How did you know? That I spoke English? Sirius would not tell, it was his idea.”
“You tried not to react while we were planning the party, but when I asked what you actually liked for parties, you looked… grateful,” Remus admitted immediately. “And a lot like you wanted to cry. Sorry.”
“...Oh,” Regulus flushed, and immediately turned to bury his face in Barty’s shoulder, out of immense embarrassment.
“I didn’t mean to embarrass you, I’m sorry,” Remus was almost painfully genuine and Regulus made a strangled sound. Evan and Barty both winced. Remus looked between them and then at Sirius.
“Heartfelt apologies are something that Reg is still getting used to,” Sirius explained. “C’mon, Reg, it’s just family, come sit.” The descriptor of their odd group as ‘family’ cut even deeper than Remus’ genuine apology had.
“Pute,” Regulus cursed, softly, barely audible from where he was currently hiding.
“Tu vas bien,” Evan assured him, gently, with a soft caress to the back of his head. It took Regulus a long moment to manage to pull away enough to tug his friends over to the sofa.
“Huh,” Remus looked like he was back to reassessing Regulus, this time taking into account the fact that though the three of them barely fit on the loveseat they’d claimed, Regulus looked entirely comfortable more or less in Barty and Evan’s laps. “Just to clarify for myself, you three are not all dating?”
“No, we are not dating,” Regulus confirmed. “They are dating, I am only a friend.”
“Tu n’es pas seulement ‘un ami’,” Evan corrected softly, with a mixture of exasperation and amusement. “You mean to say we’re platonic, but still partners.”
“ Oh ,” Sirius and Remus both had identical looks of realization.
“Oui, oui, that is what I said,” Regulus nodded emphatically. Evan dropped his head down onto Regulus’ shoulder to badly muffle his laughter, while Barty just looked resigned, as though this happened on a semi-regular basis.
“So more than just friends, but you’re not romantic?” Sirius clarified, and Regulus nodded again, just as emphatically.
“He doesn’t explain it well in French, either, but he usually does better than ‘just friends’,” Barty sighed.
“Be nice,” Regulus requested with a pout.
“I am being nice, love,” Barty replied. “Ton stress se montre,” Barty added gently, and Regulus deflated a little bit. It was, unfortunately, a fairly accurate assessment to say that his stress was showing.
“Accuracy about feelings has never been your strong suit, Reg,” Sirius pointed out.
“I feel attacked,” Regulus’ pout grew, but when he looked to Evan for defense, he just received a soft kiss. It had the automatic impact of turning his pout into a soft smile instead.
“That was disgusting and yet, somehow, fascinating. I never thought I’d see the day you let people in,” Sirius commented. Regulus’ smile fled in favor of a frown.
“Je comprend pas,” Regulus finally admitted.
“You didn’t… display emotions very much, until you got into competitive figure skating and they taught you how to exaggerate emotional displays to manipulate an audience,” Sirius started, a little uncomfortably. “You didn’t react like most kids did until after our parents separated, and even then it was like… you force displays, sometimes, and your actual emotions are something entirely different.”
Regulus was silent for a long moment after that assessment, looking thoroughly uncomfortable to have his habits laid out in front of him.
“That–” Remus cleared his throat, visibly hesitating. “If I may ask,” Remus rephrased, before hesitating again and waiting for permission. Regulus nodded. “Have you ever been assessed for Autism Spectrum Disorder? It’s just a thought–”
“Yes,” Regulus said, softly. “I have. Yes. I am–I am autistic,” Regulus confirmed, around the lump in his throat. If Evan and Barty weren’t keeping a firm hold on him, he absolutely would have fled the room after confirming it.
“What?” Sirius just looked surprised, but Regulus still cringed.
“Hey, hey, tu vas bien,” Evan soothed.
“You’re allowed to tell people, Reg, il n’est pas en colère,” Barty added.
“I’m definitely not angry,” Sirius confirmed immediately. “I just didn’t know. I just thought you were… you.”
“I am me,” Regulus asserted, immediately.
“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing, Reg,” Sirius sighed. “I just… don’t know what it means, exactly.”
“Not much more than you already knew,” Regulus shrugged. “I do not experience or display emotions how one might expect. I experience… difficulties, with socializing, with talking, and with emotional regulation. I have areas of interest that I learn about much more fully than the average person does–but you know them, already, they have not changed,” Regulus paused.
“Astronomy, figure skating, music, cards,” Sirius filled in, and Regulus managed a small smile.
“I am who I was before, they just label the ways I am different because there are others who are different… together?” Regulus winced slightly at the phrasing.
“People who experience the world more similarly to you,” Sirius proposed, his voice barely a whisper. Regulus nodded as emphatically as he could. “That makes sense. Did it help? To get the label?”
Regulus winced, shrinking back slightly, even though of all the people he feared, his brother would never be one of them. “Evan, Barty, dites-lui, s’il te plaît,” Regulus mumbled, and Sirius flinched at the request.
“His hesitation isn't about you,” Evan assured Sirius immediately, while clearly gathering his words. “Reg… does not like to talk about, ah.”
“Orion’s reaction,” Barty supplied, and Evan nodded.
“It was not positive. At all. To say it was violent would be an understatement,” Evan continued. “He banned Regulus from talking about it, under all circumstances. But, through no fault of Regulus’, the physician who diagnosed him told la Maison . Orion…” Evan swallowed, and hugged Regulus a little bit more tightly, as though reassuring himself that Regulus was still there.
“Orion put Regulus in the hospital, for almost a week.”
“Cela a presque mis fin à ma carrière de patineur artistique,” Regulus interjected. Barty nodded.
“It very nearly ended Reg’s figure skating dreams,” Barty continued. “Thankfully, it didn’t, and everything healed alright, but… it…”
“It makes it hard for all of us, but Reg especially, to open up about it,” Evan added. “And Barty and I, well. We only say something at Regulus’ request.”
Sirius looked shaken, his complexion pale and horror written plainly across his face.
“He put you in the hospital? And they left you with him?” Sirius demanded. Despite it being the entirely inappropriate reaction, Regulus couldn’t help but laugh.
“Mais oui,” Regulus replied. “I fell down the stairs, of course.”
“Merde. Pute. Ce enculé de se mère,” Sirius swore, and Regulus shrugged.
“It was not the worst he did,” Regulus replied. “But it was memorable.”
“I’m so fucking proud of you for finding a way to get away from him, Reg, I am,” Sirius finally said, after a long moment visibly repressing his anger. “Especially if that wasn’t the worst of it.”
“I cannot imagine Maman was any better to you,” Regulus said, after a long moment. Sirius froze, before exhaling with such force that Regulus flinched.
“Our Mother is many things, but she never put me in Hospital , that’s for damn sure,” Sirius said. “If I’d known, I would’ve–-I don’t know. I wouldn’t have just left you with him if I’d known, Reg. I wouldn’t have!”
“J’sais,” Regulus soothed, letting go of Evan and Barty so that he could cross the room and hold a hand out to his brother. After a brief heartbeat, Sirius stood to pull him into a tight hug. “You did not do wrong,” Regulus assured him. “You were only a child, also.”
“I–I should’ve asked. I should’ve asked, when Mother…” Sirius trailed off.
“Quoi?” Regulus prompted, gently, as he rubbed Sirius’ back.
“I should’ve asked when Mother got violent to the point of breaking bones. I just assumed I’d gotten unlucky with the 50/50 chance of parents.”
“Oh,” Regulus breathed, before he hugged Sirius even more tightly. “I should have asked, also. J’suis profondément désolé, Sirius.”
“Moi aussi, Regulus,” Sirius mumbled, and as he tucked his face down against Regulus’ neck, Regulus had the startling realization that his older brother was crying. Alarmed, Regulus did the only thing he could think of, and as well as rubbing Sirius’ back, he quietly started humming. It took several long moments for his brother’s breathing to steady, but it did steady, and when it did, he even allowed Regulus to lift his face and wipe his tears.
“Nous sommes libres,” Regulus murmured. “Nous deux. Toujours.” Sirius flinched violently at the simple murmur of the word for ‘always’. “Reprendre l'éternité, Sirius. ‘Toujours’ ne leur appartient pas.”
“I’ll hear it in her voice, forever,” Sirius rasped.
“Non. Not forever . Just as long as you avoid making it your own. Make your own forever, Sirius,” Regulus advised, and after a long moment, Sirius huffed softly.
“Who said you could be the wise one? You’re the younger brother.”
“Mais, j’suis le frère le plus intelligent,” Regulus teased. “Truly, I am saddened, Sirius. Your brother is just so much more handsome, charismatic, and intelligent than mine is.” It took a moment for his words to process, but when they did, Sirius was caught between a dramatic gasp of offense and an outraged laugh.
“Funnier, too,” Remus contributed.
“Moony! You betray me!” Sirius wheeled to face his boyfriend, taking full advantage of the distraction that Regulus had provided. “I’ve never been so slandered in my home before! Whatever shall I do?”
“Ton divan est là,” Regulus prompted, directing his brother to a fainting couch that he assumed Sirius owned solely to fulfill the urge to collapse dramatically–which he took full advantage of in the moment. Satisfied, Regulus returned to Barty and Evan, murmuring quiet words of thanks before he surveyed his brother, and more importantly, at least at the moment, his brother’s boyfriend, who was quietly assuring Sirius that of course , he preferred Sirius to Regulus.
“I have decided that if you hurt my brother, I will merely kill you, Remus. I like you too much to watch you suffer for more than half a day, at the very most,” Regulus declared. Remus froze, before he shook his head with a soft laugh.
“Thank you, I think?” Remus replied.
“That’s the correct response,” Barty advised. “The people he doesn’t like have a minimum of one hundred and twenty hours of suffering under specific circumstances. It could be a lot worse than twelve hours and death.”
This announcement got Sirius’ dramatics to stop, and he looked at Regulus in outright disbelief.
“How long do you spend plotting torture? Should I be worried?”
“Bah,” Regulus dismissed it immediately. “Everyone plots the torture, non?”
“No,” Sirius replied immediately. “But then again, in our family, probably a fair point.”
“...I would not let Remus suffer too badly, I promise,” Regulus assured.
“Okay,” Sirius nodded. “That’s… as good as that’ll get, I guess?” After a longer moment, Sirius sighed heavily, and pushed himself up into a sitting position. “So… anyone hungry?”
Regulus huffed, but after a moment, the absurdity broke him down into full-on laughter. “Sirius,” He protested. “We are being serious .”
“I’m always Sirius,” Sirius replied immediately. “What do you want for food?”
“Surprise me,” Regulus replied. Sirius looked at Barty and Evan, both of whom shrugged.
“Do you two eat meat?” Sirius asked.
“Yeah,” Barty answered. “And we have no known allergies.”
“Hmm. More difficult to kill you, that way,” Sirius commented, before he seemed to realize what he said, and dropped his head into his hand. “Remus, am I like this always?”
“Yes, cariad,” Remus looked deeply amused. “You and your brother are more alike than you seem to realize, on that front.”
“Right. Chinese,” Sirius declared. “And no more talking about torture or killing, because I’m not convinced it’s good for us.”
“Oh, we’re fine,” Remus declared. “A little talk of murder never hurt anyone.”
“...Under six hours of suffering, Remus,” Regulus promised.
“Well, look at that. I’ll be in line for a painless death in no time,” Remus declared with a warm smile. Regulus narrowed his eyes. “Nearly painless?”
“We will see,” Regulus’ tone was ominous, but Remus’ smile only grew.
It became readily apparent that Regulus was not going to eat much without prompting, but without hesitation, in addition to the small portions he took for himself, Evan and Barty both put food on his plate. They did it bite-by-bite, but it was so frequent that it was utterly unmissable.
“So. Is that another thing I need to be aware of? You avoiding food?” Sirius asked, when Regulus stopped accepting additional bites of food, and Barty finished his plate for him.
“I do not avoid food,” Regulus protested.
“Yes,” Evan said, while speaking over Regulus. Regulus glared at him with undisguised betrayal. “Shh, mon astre amoureux, it’s true, you need to be watched to be sure you’re eating.”
“Oh that is nauseating. No,” Sirius gagged. “I thought Crouch was bad with all of the ‘love’s. That’s… eugh,” Sirius looked genuinely sickened. Evan huffed.
“You pretend to be mature, but you’re really a child,” Evan replied.
“Oi! I am… how much older than you am I?”
“Not as much as you’d like. I’m barely eighteen.”
“And you use terms like ‘astre amoureux’? What do you read ?” Sirius looked outraged.
“C’est doux!” Regulus protested.
“I’m sure by someone’s standards it is.”
“It means ‘my loving star’,” Barty whispered to Remus, who pressed a hand over his mouth to hold back his laughter.
“This isn’t funny, Remus. It’s nauseating,” Sirius’ betrayal only grew.
“As your boyfriend, I’m a little concerned you find sweet things nauseating.”
“It’s different when it’s us,” Sirius protested. “We’re… I don’t know.”
“I think what you’re looking for is that you’re a tad overprotective of your younger brother,” Remus supplied, and caught the balled up serviette that Sirius threw at him in outrage.
“Il est ‘mon ciel étoilé’, aussi,” Evan added, leaning his hand on his chin and watching Sirius with undisguised amusement.
“Disgusting. Stop it.”
“Sirius, tu m’appelles 'ma petite étoile’,” Regulus pointed out.
“I’m your big brother, that is totally different.”
“It is different, mon rêve,” Evan agreed.
“Please stop, I will literally beg,” Sirius requested. “Do you really call him these things, or are you doing this special just to upset me?”
“Not everything is about you, Sirius,” Regulus replied with a sigh, before turning to Evan. He cradled Evan’s face in both hands and kissed him slowly enough that Sirius started to complain again.
“Merci beaucoup,” Evan murmured when the kiss ended.
“Tu es incorrigible,” Regulus replied. “Et je t’aime.”
“I love you too,” Evan replied, with a sweet smile.
“Et je t’aime aussi,” Regulus added to Barty, who blew him a kiss.
“Love you too, sweetheart.”
“You’re all disgusting and I cannot wait for you to entirely confuse all of our friends,” Sirius decided.
“Sadly, it’s a rare show,” Barty sighed dramatically. “Evan leaves ungodly early tomorrow morning. I’m back in school, too. We’ll try and be around, because obviously we will, but…”
“It is not always easy,” Regulus looked genuinely sad, until Evan nudged him. “But! Evan returns to London for the holidays. We will skate together, then,” Regulus declared.
“Bien sûr que nous le ferons, mon astre amoureux,” Evan assured him. “And we will see each other at the European Championships, as well.”
“Bien sûr,” Regulus declared. “Where I will get gold, and you will get silver.”
Evan laughed, but didn’t disagree.
Remus was the first to leave, with a subdued but friendly ‘goodbye’.
When Barty and Evan said goodnight, it was Regulus' turn to cry. He didn’t want to, and he tried to hide it, but the instant they started to say goodbye, his tears were flowing full-force.
“Ceci n’est pas ‘adieu’, Regulus,” Evan soothed, as he rocked Regulus from side to side. “Ceci ‘au revoir’, je promets.”
“Pinkie promise?” Regulus requested, and Sirius’ muffled laughter didn’t make Barty or Evan hesitate as they linked their pinkies with each of Regulus’. “Je t'aime de tout mon cœur,” Regulus declared.
“Et nous t’aimons aussi,” Barty assured him. There were several long moments of slightly awkward kissing, mostly because Regulus couldn’t stop crying.
When he and his brother were alone, he just stayed where he was, his back against the wall, and wept, softly, until he had no more tears to cry.
“C’mon, lapin. Wash your face. I’ll make you some tea,” Sirius said, as he patted his shoulder on the way past him.
After a moment, Regulus followed the instruction.
“So. Platonic partners, not ‘just friends’,” Sirius said. “I’m sorry I teased you, truly. I didn’t understand, but I think I do now.”
“They are… they are the world to me,” Regulus confessed. Sirius smiled, the expression soft and a little bit vulnerable, now that they were alone.
“I’m so glad you have them, Reg. I’m truly sorry that you can’t see them more than you do.”
“We will get there. We–it is already better,” Regulus offered.
“Can I ask a few invasive big brother questions?” Sirius asked, and Regulus nodded. “Are you… is it just you three? Do you… have interest in anything romantic for yourself? You just… seemed really into Prongs.”
It took a second for Regulus to connect Prongs to James. He smiled. “If James were open to me pursuing him, I would,” Regulus admitted. “In a romantic sense. Evan, Barty, and I–we are not… set on just us? The possibility of more people in our lives is open. But James does not strike me as the kind to… comment dit-on… ah, engage in infidélité,” Regulus said, and Sirius nodded firmly. “And most people… they are not open to more people, non?”
“Most people are monogamous, yeah.”
“So, I will flirt with James, because he is pretty, and I like him, and I like to flirt, but I have no expectation or intention to try and… sway him. He is happy, and that is what is best, c’est clair?”
“C’est clair,” Sirius nodded. “Okay. Glad to hear it. Just worried a bit, because I love you both and I don’t want this to get… messy.”
“I do not intend to make a mess. Ever.”
“I gotcha,” Sirius smiled, genuinely. “So. Does Rosier actually say things like that regularly, or was he winding me up?”
“He usually says things more… saccharine than that,” Regulus’ cheeks flamed, but his smile grew. “He is un poëte, j’pense.”
“Oh. Huh. He looks like a pretty face and a bit of muscle, really.”
“He is very intelligent!” Regulus defended. Sirius grinned.
“I know. I’m winding you up, now. Are you happy with them, Reg?”
“Oui. Extrêmement,” Regulus confirmed, softly. “Especially since our labels changed. I feel… safe. And loved.”
“Good. I’m glad. That’s all I want for you,” Sirius replied, just as softly. “Can you do me a favor, bunny?”
“Ouais.”
“I want you to sleep in the bed tonight, even if it means you wake me up. Can you do that for me?” Sirius asked, and Regulus hesitated for a long moment.
“Oui. Pour toi.”
“Merci,” Sirius’ smile looked rather sad, but he brought out a cribbage board and a deck of cards, and Regulus let him distract him from any more emotionally heavy topics with the game.
Notes:
AUTISTIC REG CONFIRMED <3333333333333333333333333333333333333 MY PRECIOUS <3333333333333333
Also because I didn't like how it looked in-text but it feels important:
"Reprendre l'éternité, Sirius. ‘Toujours’ ne leur appartient pas.” --->"Take back eternity, Sirius. 'Always' does not belong to them."ALSO UM! CONGRATS TO ILIA MALININ FOR LANDING THE FIRST 4A IN COMPETITION IRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (We are pretending this did not happen in-world for fic reasons but I AM SCREAMING SO YOU ALL NEED TO KNOW)
Chapter 3: Une Pirouette Cambrée
Notes:
This should actually be labeled an “Author’s Disclaimer”. THIS IS NOT HOW THE WORLD OF PRO FIGURE SKATING WORKS. Do not use this fic as a guide if you want to start competitive figure skating. I just want to write a silly little AU and honestly making it accurate in terms of the ISU’s bajillion rules and competition structure is something that I would’ve cared about half a decade ago but I’ve been out of figure skating for long enough that I hold the ISU in moderate to severe contempt most of the time.
Huge shout out to the amazing Moormage14, without whom I am pretty sure I truly would have lost all of my English while writing this fic (also for editing <3333333)
TW: Nightmares/PTSD/Panic attack, Discussion of the sex life of someone under 18 (but who IS of the age of consent in the area they were having sex, and the sex was 1000% consensual)
Une Pirouette Cambrée: a Layback Spin
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Of all the ways Regulus had imagined his night terrors might impact Sirius, this had never been one of the options. And yet, because his life often went with unimaginable horrors, his brother currently had a broken nose and was still trying to comfort Regulus, because Regulus hadn’t managed to shut down his horrific, embarrassing sobs.
“Reg, Reg, tu vas bien, you need to breathe, come on, buddy,” Sirius prompted, and it only made Regulus sob more.
“I… hurt… you…” Regulus managed, around his sobs, and Sirius immediately shook his head.
“I’ve had worse from hockey. It’s already stopped bleeding, see?” Sirius prompted, but Regulus couldn’t focus on him around the spots in his vision. “Fuck. Okay. Okay, lapin, I need you to tell me what will help you right now, because I don’t–I don’t know what to do, here.”
“J’sais pas,” Regulus’ voice was barely recognizable within the keening cry that escaped him.
“Okay, okay,” Sirius fell silent, and after a moment, stood up and left, which only made Regulus cry harder. Regulus wasn’t at all sure of how long it was before Sirius returned, but the bed dipped and his brother joined him on the mattress, before dropping an ice pack down between Regulus’ arms, firmly against his chest.
The icy cold was a shock to his system, but it helped him take his first real, deep breath. Cradling the ice pack against his diaphragm, Regulus slowly, but surely managed to breathe properly.
“Thank fuck,” Sirius mumbled, flopping down onto his back when Regulus had been breathing without crying for a full minute.
“Sorry,” Regulus murmured.
“Reg, please don’t apologize. I was the one at fault. I shouldn’t have gotten so close to try and wake you, that was completely my fault. I apparently learned nothing from being in your position. I nearly broke James’ nose right after I moved in with him and his parents.”
“Is your… nose… alright?” Regulus asked, and Sirius huffed.
“You didn’t even break it, bunny rabbit. It’ll bruise, but you didn’t even break it. So. Yes, my nose is alright.”
Relief coursed through Regulus so strongly that it immediately made him flop back down on the bed too.
“You alright?” Sirius asked, a little bit hesitantly.
“Non,” Regulus admitted. “But I will be.”
“Anything I can do?”
“No, I am just… I do not know,” Regulus followed the admission with a frustrated noise, and Sirius reached out to pat his shoulder in sympathy.
“How often are your nightmares that bad?” Sirius asked, after a long moment of silence.
“...Almost every night, if I am alone in bed,” Regulus only mumbled, but his brother seemed to have no issue hearing him.
“...Okay, I get you’re old enough and all of that, but fuck, I was not ready for the implication your… people… stay the night with you sometimes,” Sirius groaned. “Am I still being rude if I ask about your… bedroom habits?”
“Quelle heure est-il?” Regulus asked, instead of answering.
“Like half two.”
“Mm… just for now, you may be rude,” Regulus decided.
“So are you a virgin?”
“Non,” Regulus answered, and there was a soft rustle as his brother nodded.
“You have safe sex, though, right?”
“Mais oui,” Regulus answered with a roll of his eyes.
“With both of them?”
“‘With both of them’, what , Sirius?”
“You have sex with both of them? Still?”
“Yes,” Regulus admitted.
“Huh. But it’s platonic?”
“Yes,” Regulus’ tone was incredibly firm. “It works. It works for us, for me.”
“They feel platonically about you, too?”
“I–we think they feel less platonically than I do. Evan and I… it might have been romance, if we had not grown up the way we did. But we did, and with Barty, it is… they are ma famille, and I would do anything for them, but it is not romance. It is not… I have never felt for either of them, the way that they describe feeling for one another.”
“But you feel sexual attraction?”
“Oui,” Regulus sighed, as he resisted the urge to hide his face. “This is terrible. Must we?”
“Sorry, I’m like… equal parts horrified and intrigued by what you three have going on,” Sirius sounded sheepish. “And I was worried, honestly. I don’t want you to like… get pregnant.”
Despite his earlier promise that he’d allow it, Regulus very intentionally–but lightly–whacked Sirius’ arm at that comment. “Not your business!” Regulus snapped. “ But I am very, very careful. Two forms of birth control, always . And we are sexually active only with each other, and would discuss if we were not.”
“Good, glad to hear it,” Sirius sounded very genuine. “You can ask about my sex life if you’d feel better.”
“Eugh. No. I assume you are happy or you would not be with him. That is enough for me,” Regulus replied.
“Yeah, yeah I am,” Sirius sounded besotted. “You like Remus? That wasn’t a lie?”
Regulus was tempted to snap at his brother, but he sounded concerned enough that he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “Yes. Remus is… lovely. And appropriate.”
“Appropriate?”
“Suitable. Tu sais.”
“Oh. He’s got a twisted sense of humor,” Sirius filled in. Regulus nodded.
“He understood I was not joking about his death.”
“...Yeah that’s a bit concerning, Reg, you know that, yeah?”
“Nah,” Regulus dismissed it instantly. “It is what it is.”
Sirius snorted. “I wonder if you’ll lose your French accent. It took me years to get rid of it, and even then, it comes back when I’m drunk.”
“I will not! I am French!”
“Sure, kid,” Sirius replied, and ignored Regulus’ offended huff. “Can you go back to sleep?”
“...not alone,” Regulus admitted.
Sirius was silent for a long moment. “If I just stay here, is that good enough? You don’t need to cuddle or something?”
“Ouais. I slept better in the dormitories, with many others,” Regulus admitted.
“Then I’ll stay here,” Sirius declared.
“Merci,” Regulus whispered, before turning over and willing himself to relax. By focusing on the soft sound of his brother’s slightly-stuffy breathing, he managed to fall back asleep relatively quickly.
Despite the fact that his brother had seemed uncomfortable with the idea of cuddling, when Regulus’ alarm woke up, he found himself securely nestled in his brother’s embrace, much like they had slept when they were extremely young, before their parents had separated and they’d lost physical contact. For a long moment, he contemplated just ignoring his alarm.
Sirius, however, was much less patient. “Reg, turn off the alarm or I’ll try, and I’ll bloody break it in the process,” Sirius grumbled, and Regulus couldn’t help his soft laughter in response. He did, however, pull away and turn off the alarm. In the dim light, he could tell that Sirius’ nose and his eyes had blackened, despite his assurance that Regulus hadn’t broken his nose.
“Ça va?” He asked after a moment.
“Mhmm,” Sirius confirmed.
“Ah, ah, ah, no more sleep,” Regulus demanded, when he realized his brother was most of the way back to sleep. “Nous sortons pour le petit déjeuner, parce que tu m'emmènes rencontrer mon nouvel entraîneur après.”
Sirius groaned, but he sat up. “Yeah, yeah. I think you’ll be pleased with your coach. I did tell her she’d see things from you she’d never seen before, to get her to agree, but that was before I knew about your quatre-A.”
“...J’suis pas si spécial,” Regulus protested. Sirius huffed, before he started laughing incredulously.
“‘Not that special’, my arse, ” Sirius replied, after several long moments laughing. “Reg, you’re full of shit .”
“...You laugh at me a lot,” Regulus reported, with a pout.
“And you whine and pout and say ridiculous things. It’s amazingly hilarious. How are your other quads, by the way?” Sirius asked, and Regulus traded his pout for a grin.
“Parfait!” Regulus chirped. “I land almost all of them, and I have not fallen in over a year.”
“Brilliant. You’re brilliant, Reg, truly.”
“How come your friends do not know you used to be a figure skater?” Regulus asked, instead of addressing the compliment.
“Uh, because I’m mortified by that part of my life, and it was never by choice? I only kept it up a single year after Maman– Mother moved us and stopped taking me back to France for competitions with you.”
“You were friends with James, then, non?” Regulus pressed.
“Well, yeah, I stopped when I was thirteen,” Sirius sighed. “He’d tease me. They’d all tease me. Especially because I can still do it.”
Regulus’ eyes lit up at that admission and he beamed at his brother. “We must skate together! Comme dans notre jeunesse!”
“No, no, no. You do your thing, I’ll stick to mine, thank you very much.”
“But you have tried recently?”
“Yeah, I have a pair of proper skates and everything,” Sirius admitted, and winced at the descriptor immediately after. “They’re broken in. I just wanted to see if I could. Mind you, I can’t go further than triples, in terms of jumps, but I’m not half bad.”
“I will get you to skate with me, I will,” now that the idea was in his head, he was determined to keep badgering his brother until he agreed. “I miss it. I miss skating like we used to.”
“Oh, fuck, Reg,” Sirius groaned. “Don’t… your face. You have such sad eyes.”
“Well, I am sad. We were so close, and they took us away from one another,” Regulus sighed, but rather than continuing on that thread of thought while looking at Sirius, he got up to start picking out his clothing for the day. “We were best friends, until we were so far apart. Letters… did not fill the hole in my life that was your absence.”
“Are you sure Rosier is the poet in your relationship?” Sirius asked, but it was weak.
“Yes, his way with words is unequaled. But I am… passionate, and sad, and there is some… overlap with poetry.”
“I missed you too, you know,” Sirius whispered, after a pause, and when Regulus turned to look at him, he had tears in his eyes. “Every day. And every night, I’d find your star, when it was visible, and the lights of the city weren’t too bad, and I’d think of you. I’d think of you even if I couldn’t see your star.”
“Moi aussi. I imagine I had more luck. The brightest star in the night sky,” Regulus smiled, but it betrayed his sadness. “You match your celestial namesake, mon frère. I have never known one to shine as brightly as you.”
“Reg,” Sirius whispered, the single syllable heart-wrenchingly sad. “Mon dieu. Fuck.” Sirius visibly shook himself, as though pushing away the sadness. “Well. That sure is a way to start the day, huh?”
“Sorry,” Regulus murmured, and Sirius shook his head.
“Nothing to apologize for, Reg, really. I just… need to focus on something else for a bit. Get ready for your day, it’s gonna be a big one,” Sirius’ cheer was visibly forced, but Regulus didn’t call him on it, as they separated to start getting ready for the day.
“Pourquoi y a-t-il des haricots sur mon toast?” Regulus demanded, after allowing his brother to order his breakfast.
“Because they’re good for you. Beans are a good, nutritious food,” Sirius replied, with a sigh.
“They are on the toast,” Regulus repeated emphatically.
“Oh, hush, and eat your food,” Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Je ne le comprends pas!”
“You don’t have to understand it, you just need to eat it. Next you’ll tell me you have a complaint about the eggs, too.”
“I do not understand this… food , ” Regulus emphasized.
“Again, you don’t have to, you just have to eat it. Try it, at least, before you complain about it.”
After a long moment staring at the questionable plating choice, Regulus reluctantly cut a small bite of the oddly-topped toast, considered it, and after trying it, decided to just go ahead and eat it.
“Not so bad?” Sirius asked, and Regulus shrugged.
“I do not understand it,” Regulus repeated. “But I will eat it.”
“Well, I suppose that’s all I can really ask for,” Sirius huffed.
“Qu’est-ce qui ne va pas avec une omelette?”
“Nothing’s wrong with an omelette.”
“Pourquoi y a-t-il des haricots sur mon toast?” Regulus repeated.
“Because that’s what we do here. Well. It’s what some people do here, at least.”
“... Pourquoi ?”
“Because,” Sirius replied, and though it made Regulus pout, it seemed to be the only answer Regulus would be receiving from his brother.
Once he’d finished his food, Sirius turned to look at him with a graveness he rarely displayed.
“What?” Regulus prompted, with no small amount of concern.
“Now that you’ve eaten and I know it won’t distract you, I need to tell you about your figure skating coach,” Sirius said, and Regulus’ stomach dropped with the introduction of anxiety. “It is…” Sirius paused, dramatically.
“Just tell me!”
“Perenelle Flamel,” Sirius finally said, after half a minute of making Regulus wait.
“Quoi? Non! No, she is retired!” Regulus protested.
“Well, you were interesting enough. I think it amused the Flamels that I had the audacity to ask. But then Perenelle apparently watched some of your recent competitions, after your transition. I didn’t expect to hear back from either of them, especially not so immediately, but…”
“ Perenelle Flamel ,” Regulus repeated in disbelief.
“Oui,” Sirius confirmed. “So. Ready to go meet her?”
“I am going to die ,” Regulus replied, with all of the melodrama that he could force into it.
“You’re not,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Come on. We’ve got a walk, and then you have to show off your quatre-A,” Sirius said, and Regulus covered his mouth with both of his hands to try and muffle his scream.
Regulus had thought he’d been nervous the first time he competed internationally. It paled in comparison to the absolute anxiety of meeting the three-time olympic gold medalist Perenelle Flamel. The only person possibly more intimidating would be her husband, who was a four-time olympic gold medalist.
Much to Regulus’ horror, it appeared he had the questionable fortune of meeting both of them. The elderly couple were waiting when Regulus and Sirius arrived at the arena.
“Bonjour, bonjour, c'est merveilleux de vous rencontrer tous les deux!” Perenelle greeted.
“Bonjour, je suis enchanté de faire votre connaissance, Madame Flamel, et vous, aussi, Monsieur Flamel,” Regulus greeted, and Perenelle immediately shook her head.
“On peut se tutoyer!” Perenelle said immediately. “Je m'appelle Perenelle, et voici Nicolas,” She added. Regulus smiled, a little bit weakly, at the invitation to use the familiar tone and names.
“J’suis Regulus, voici Sirius,” He gestured to his brother. “Merci d'avoir accepté d'envisager de me coacher.” His gratitude towards her for considering coaching him was unmistakable.
“Ton frère promet que je verrai des choses que je n'ai jamais vues auparavant. Prêt à me montrer?” Perenelle asked, and Regulus resisted the urge to hit his brother at the reminder that Sirius had promised Perenelle that Regulus would show her things she’d never seen before.
“Mais oui,” Regulus agreed, with a friendly smile. He headed to stretch out and get into his skates.
“Music, Reg?” Sirius asked.
“Holst, Les Planètes,” Regulus requested. His brother took care of the music, and Perenelle gave him a warm smile and thumbs up as he stepped out onto the thankfully smooth ice. It took a few moments for him to get comfortable, but almost immediately, he entered a layback spin, counting the request eight revolutions before he caught the blade of his skate in one hand and arched into a one-handed Biellmann, his speed increasing significantly.
Perenelle clapped as he smoothly exited the spin, and when he glanced at her, she looked truly delighted, but he didn’t allow it to distract him for more than a second. He picked up speed before executing a flawless triple lutz, triple loop combination. Sirius actually cheered in response, and Regulus shook his head slightly at how easily pleased his watchers seemed to be. He followed it with a quadruple lutz, triple toe loop, and almost just as immediately, threw in a quadruple flip in sequence, which he landed cleanly.
He took a moment to center himself, and almost idly threw in a cantilever, without his hands on the ice, because he was taking a moment to internally compose the most absurd combinations or sequences he could come up with. As he straightened back up, he geared up for a sequence he’d only ever used once in competition; a quadruple toe loop in sequence with a triple axel. He hadn’t landed it cleanly in that competition, but this morning, luck–or perhaps skill–was on his side, and it went flawlessly.
Regulus cleanly managed a triple axel, quadruple toe loop combination, and when he glanced at Perenelle, Nicolas, and Sirius, all of them were grinning. Rather than risk entirely running out of steam, Regulus took a deep breath, and headed off in pursuit of his secret; the quadruple axel. He pulled it off cleanly, and after a moment, did it again just to be sure that his spectators witnessed it.
“Plus qu'assez! Regulus, tu es incroyable!” Perenelle called. Sirius stopped the music as Regulus looped back around to his audience.
“Merci beaucoup,” Regulus replied warmly. “As-tu vu quelque chose que vous n'aviez jamais vu auparavant?” Did you see something you had never seen before?
“Tu sais que je l’ai fait!” Perenelle laughed. You know that I did. “Tu rends ma réémergence utile.” You make my reemergence worthwhile.
“Penses-tu que j'ai une chance aux Championnats d'Europe ISU?” Regulus asked.
“Mais oui, mais oui, et le Worlds, aussi. Les Jeux olympiques, même,” Perenelle nodded. “Un quatre-A, Regulus. C’est stupéfiant.” Yes, yes, the worlds, also, the Olympics, even. A 4A. It’s astounding.
"J'ai travaillé très dur,” Regulus admitted. I worked very hard.
“As-tu un conflit d'intérêt concernant la compétition contre la France?” Perenelle asked after a moment. Do you have a conflict of interest regarding competing against France?
“C’est Evan, non?” Sirius added, and Regulus nodded.
“Oui, c’est Evan. Mais non, je n'ai pas de conflit d'intérêt,” Regulus reported.
“Evan?” Perenelle prompted.
“Mon…” Regulus hesitated.
“Not-boyfriend,” Sirius provided. “But also kind of his boyfriend.”
“Ah, young love,” Nicolas spoke for the first time, with a kind smile. “Perenelle and I met competing against one another, you know. We’re both dual citizens.”
“Oh?” Regulus lit up with interest, and Nicolas laughed.
“You do speak English, then.”
“Not well,” Regulus replied, his accent thick.
“But you understand?”
“Most, but we are pretending to his friends that I do not,” Regulus added, with a nod at Sirius, and Nicolas laughed.
“Oh, some harmless fun. Such is your right,” Nicolas nodded. “But, yes, Perenelle and I were pair skaters when we met–her for France, and I for England. We both struggled with our partners, I’m sure you know how that goes.”
“Non, I have only had two partners. First, my brother, then my Evan,” Regulus answered.
“Ooh,” Perenelle’s eyes were sparkling, now, with that detail revealed. “Were you friends before you were partners?”
“Not really. We are… not cousins. Sirius?”
“Technically not blood relations, but we share a cousin,” Sirius supplied.
“So I knew him, and as we were both without a partner at the same time, and both based in Paris, it was the natural choice,” Regulus explained. “We fit… parfaitement. I miss skating with him, truly. J’adore skating as a man, as I am, but I wish I could skate as a man with him. ”
“That makes sense. I believe we’re both sorry that this sport is not at a place that that is possible,” Nicolas said, and Perenelle nodded.
“You are alright competing against him, though?” Perenelle checked again. Regulus couldn’t contain his laughter.
“Ouais. Evan and I will be fine competing with each other–we have before. We will never… comment dit-on… ‘go easy’ on one another. When I beat him, he will thank me,” Regulus’ certainty wasn’t even partially feigned.
“Excellent!” Perenelle beamed. “Now, to discuss your schedule,” Perenelle said, and Regulus forced all thoughts of Evan out of his mind as he went over the intensive schedule Perenelle had planned for him.
Regulus, despite having been put thoroughly through his paces all morning, was practically bouncing as he and Sirius left the arena. He’d be back the next morning, to meet Perenelle at 4:30 in the morning, but he had never been happier, and it left him with an abundance of energy.
“How are your legs not falling off?” Sirius demanded. “You’ve done so much today.”
“J’suis très heureux!” Regulus chirped.
“Yeah? I did well, then?” Sirius asked, and Regulus laughed as he pulled his brother into a tight but fleeting hug.
“Tu as très bien fait!” Regulus declared.
“Good. I’m glad you’re happy, Reg, you deserve it,” Sirius’ sincerity was unmistakable. “How do you feel about meeting up with my mates for lunch?”
“Okay,” Regulus replied. “Avec Lily? J’pense que Lily est très gentille.”
“Oh, you do, huh? Do I need to worry about you making moves on Prongs and his girlfriend?”
“Non, non, j’suis gai, mais… Je pourrais flirter,” Regulus admitted.
“You just like to flirt,” Sirius accused.
“Mais oui,” Regulus agreed cheerfully.
“Promise not to shut down if they ask questions? They’re a curious lot.”
Regulus hesitated for a long moment. “Je ferai de mon mieux,” Regulus finally declared.
“Well, that’s all I can ask,” Sirius sighed, as he pulled out his mobile to send a text. They fell into silence as they waited. “Looks like Lily’s working, sorry, bud.”
“Oh,” Regulus looked genuinely disappointed.
“You’ll get to meet Dorcas and Marlene, though. You’ll like them, I think. Well. You’d like them more if you weren’t pretending to not know English.”
“Elles ne parlent pas français?” Regulus asked, looking devastated.
“I’ll take pity on you and translate, today,” Sirius said. “On account of the fact that I’m genuinely not sure how you’re walking after what Perenelle put you through. Which we should switch to, because we’re almost there.”
“J’suis fort,” Regulus replied, before flexing for his brother, who had to stop walking to cackle.
“Tu es p’tit!” Sirius protested. Regulus’ frown grew. After a moment, he unzipped his vest, so that he could pull up his turtleneck enough to show off his abs.
“Est-ce que mes abdos te paraissent p’tits?” Regulus asked, with an annoyed expression.
“Holy fuck,” Sirius stopped laughing to gape.
“Um. Wow. Okay. Did not expect to see that today, fuck me ,” James’ voice nearly distracted Regulus, but he was enjoying his brother’s dumbfounded expression far too much to look away.
“Le patinage artistique est un sport,” Regulus said, firmly.
“Ouais, j’sais, damn ,” Sirius replied. “Ils ne sont certainement pas p’tits,” Sirius finally granted. Regulus smiled, and dropped his shirt. He took a brief moment to appreciate the fact that James was definitely still staring. “Definitely not small, holy fucking shit. Do you–how did you get that ripped?”
“En français, Sirius,” Regulus requested. When Sirius repeated it, Regulus laughed. “La formation que tu m'as vue faire aujourd'hui!”
“So that wasn’t new? You do that shit every day?” Sirius asked. When Regulus looked at him in annoyance, Sirius repeated it in French.
“Mais oui, et plus,” Regulus replied. “Bonjour, James,” Regulus added. “Ça va?”
“Uh, hi, Regulus,” James replied, visibly shaking himself before flushing in embarrassment as he finally looked Regulus in the face instead of staring at his now-hidden abs. “It’s definitely going.” Sirius repeated it for Regulus.
“J’pense que tu parles pas le français?” Regulus frowned slightly. Sirius translated the questioning statement.
“I know a few words. Like… literally five. But I cannot speak it to save my life. I had to pick up some, though, your brother didn’t speak English very well when we met,” James answered, and Sirius huffed.
“I wasn’t that bad,” Sirius complained, but repeated the sentiment for Regulus. Regulus laughed lightly, with a genuine smile.
“Marls and Cas are already inside, Moony is on his way,” James added, as he pulled open the door. Regulus let his brother head in ahead of him, because he had absolutely no idea what to expect for Marlene and Dorcas.
When he was finally introduced to them, Regulus couldn’t help himself but immediately attempt to embarrass his brother. “Vous êtes tous les deux magnifiques, et une étude captivante dans l'obscurité et la lumière, ensemble,” Regulus’ tone was complementary, and his smile bordering on flirtatious.
Sirius sighed obnoxiously. “Reg, elles sont toutes les deux homosexuelles.”
“J’suis aussi,” Regulus replied, rolling his eyes. “Tu as dit que tu traduirais.”
“Ugh. I hate you, sometimes. He said you’re both beautiful, and a captivating study in dark and light together,” Sirius informed Marlene and Dorcas. “He also said he’s gay, so I assume he said it mostly to get me to translate it, even if I could say anything and he wouldn’t know. Satisfait, Regulus?”
“Ouais, merci,” Regulus chirped. “Enchanté,” he added, to Marlene and Dorcas as he sat down.
“So, James wasn’t exaggerating, you don’t speak English?” Marlene asked and Sirius relayed the question.
“Non, j’parle pas l'anglais à moins que nous parlions de patinage artistique,” Regulus replied.
“He doesn’t know any English unless we’re speaking about figure skating,” Sirius looked bored, now. “Reg, I want to feel your leg. Donne-moi ta jambe,” Sirius requested.
“Te donner quoi ?” Regulus looked outright offended, now.
“Ta jambe. Donne-moi,” Sirius made grabby hands. After a moment, Regulus extended his leg into Sirius’ lap. “Jesus fuck, your muscles are like steel.”
“Comme quoi?” Regulus didn’t look amused.
“Tes muscles sont comme des câbles d'acier,” Sirius repeated in French.
“...Comment penses-tu que j'ai réussi à faire ce que je fais?” Regulus asked. How do you think I manage to do what I do?
“Insanity, mostly,” Sirius replied. “Es-tu endolori?” Are you sore?
“Ouais,” Regulus shrugged. Sirius started massaging his calf, and Regulus all but collapsed back against his chair.
“Reg met his new coach today. I’ve never seen anything like it,” Sirius confessed to his friends. “I think he could kick my ass and I’m terrified for the day that he realizes it.”
Marlene snorted.
“I love how confident you are that he won’t understand that,” Marlene said, and Sirius shrugged.
“Does he look like he’s listening even if he secretly learned English?” Sirius replied, nodding at Regulus, who had tipped his head back and looked half-way asleep. “Perenelle is a fucking tyrant once she gets going, and he’s going to be spending at least six hours a day with her.”
“Perenelle? Like… Perenelle Flamel?” Marlene asked, in outright shock.
“Yeah?” Sirius confirmed, with mild confusion.
“I’m sorry, his coach, who you apparently spent the morning with, is Perenelle Flamel ?”
“Mostly I spent the morning with Nicolas,” Sirius said. “Watching Perenelle try and throw something at Reg that he couldn’t handle. Regulus, donne-moi ton autre jambe,” Sirius requested, and after a brief moment, Regulus switched which leg was in Sirius’ lap.
“How the fuck did he get people of that callibre to train him?” Marlene demanded. “They’re Mary’s heroes. She’s going to die when they meet.”
“He didn’t. I reached out on his behalf,” Sirius admitted. “I think Perenelle was intrigued, and it helps that Reg… has some tricks up his sleeve.”
“Oh?” Dorcas looked intrigued.
“Watch the European Championship, and you’ll find out. Eh, Lapin? Tu utiliseras tous les quads au Championnat d'Europe, non?” Huh, Bunny? You’ll use all the quads at the European Championships?
“Ouais,” Regulus confirmed, opening his eyes, and straightening up. “Merci.” Yeah, thank you.
“De rien. Tu voudras un bain ce soir.” It’s nothing. You’ll want a bath tonight.
“Eh, peut-être,” Regulus shrugged. “Parlons-nous de ma carrière?” Perhaps. Are we speaking of my career?
“Ouais. Notre amie, Mary, adore Perenelle et Nicolas.” Yeah, our friend, Mary loves Perenelle and Nicolas.
“Oh, est-ce que Mary fait du patin artistique?” Oh, does Mary figure skate?
Sirius laughed. Regulus frowned. “Ouais, presque aussi bien que toi.” Yeah, almost as good as you.
“Non, personne n'est aussi bon que moi,” Regulus replied. No one is almost as good as I am.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “D'où 'presque'. Comment ta tête passe-t-elle à travers les portes?” Hence 'almost'. How does your head fit through doors?
James, who had pulled out his mobile to translate, snorted. Regulus gave a huff, but he was fighting a smile.
Regulus’ reply was almost snapped, once he came up with it. “C'est toi qui as dit à Perenelle que je lui montrerais des choses qu'elle n'avait jamais vues.” It was you who told Perenelle that I would show her things she had never seen.
“And I was right!” Sirius replied. “Et j'avais raison!”
“What kinds of things she’d never seen? Is this about the thing I’m not supposed to tell anyone about that I don’t even know what I’m not telling about?” James asked, and Sirius snorted before breaking down into laughter.
“Yes, Prongs, that thing. Merde, that counts as talking about it, j’pense,” Sirius replied.
“Oh, now you’re losing your English,” Remus laughed, as he arrived, and Sirius grinned at his boyfriend before moving to make room for him to join them. “None of you have even looked at the menu, have you?”
“Right, right, okay, food, la nourriture,” Sirius said, as he turned to Regulus to help translate the menu.
“Mary and her new partner are going to be at open skate tonight,” Remus offered, once they’d ordered. “We should go and spy on them.”
“Moony! Never did I suspect you’d be the first to advocate for spying!” Sirius feigned horror. “Reg, peux-tu patiner à nouveau ce soir et tu lever pour s' entraîner le matin?”
“Bien sûr! Mais seulement si tes amis m'invitent,” Regulus replied.
“Please invite Reg, Remus, he won’t come otherwise,” Sirius requested.
“Regulus, s'il vous plaît venez patiner,” Remus requested, which caused Regulus to burst into peals of delighted laughter.
“Ah! On peut se tutoyer, Remus! Nous sommes famille!” Regulus replied. “Mais, oui, bien sûr.”
“You used the formal you,” Sirius whispered to his boyfriend. “And he didn’t say it, but your accent was terrible.”
“My accent is always terrible,” Remus grinned. “Glad you’ll come tonight, though, Regulus, it should be fun.” Sirius relayed the sentiment, and despite the fact that he’d regret it come morning, Regulus found himself looking forward to the experience of skating with people again, even if it wouldn’t be like skating with Evan and Barty.
Notes:
This note is about to get long, but some of the nuance of my characterization of both Sirius and Regulus hinges on a choice within my writing, and is, perhaps, a bit lost if one does not speak French, so I am seeking to clarify a bit.
I’d like to issue a formal apology to anyone attempting to learn French via my fics. It’s been brought to my attention that it has not been made clear previously that I write the French dialogue using what I believe is called an “eye dialect”, which is meant to represent how someone actually talks, rather than writing what is the standard/formally “correct” way to write. In essence, I write French as though every time Reg says “I don’t know”, I write: “I dunno” or “What are you” as “Whatcha”. Classical Roman authors referred to the everyday Latin spoken by the majority as “sermo plebeius” or “sermo vulgaris”, and in many ways, I write the French equivalent of this type of language. It may not be academic or aristocratic, but is a way that is commonly spoken.
I have specifically chosen to write using this depiction of Regulus’ manner of speech specifically because it serves a purpose within his characterization to clarify his accent/manner of speech. It is a conscious choice of his that goes against years of education/abuse for Regulus to speak as a “normal” person. He was taught to never speak the way the majority of people speak in daily life in France. It is therefore a deliberate choice of his to use lax pronunciation and common abbreviations which are COMMON, simply because no one is going to stop him from being informal, now that he’s with Sirius. However, he at times has responses that are overly formal, because of his educational and familial background. All of this is incredibly important to his characterization, though I realize now that it may not be as clear to someone lacking knowledge of how French on the streets in France sounds to use it so emphatically instead of formal French.
I also recognize that I’m perpetuating so-called “bad” or “lazy” french with the way I write my dialogue. As someone who only speaks using this informal french, and texts using it as well (or even more abbreviations!!), I do not see anything wrong with it (though my prose is written in formal french), but if you are trying to learn French, please do not use my fics as a guide as to how to WRITE French. It is, however, good practice to learn the way that informal french sounds when spoken, because it will help you sound less like you do not speak french, in conversation.
Thank you and I hope this clears things up <333333
Now, the fun thing: If you’d like to watch some figure skating things that were mentioned in this chapter, I’m compiling a playlist on YouTube here. I am very excited to have a 4A to include now!!!!!!!!! History was made mere days after I started this fic lmao
Chapter 4: La Danse sur Glace
Notes:
Me: “This fic doesn’t use formal french!”
Next chapter: *uses formal french to show an accent shift based on situation*This chapter is french heavy, folks! There are, however, translations for clarity <3
As always (I get such a kick out of getting to say this), huge shout out to my beta reader, the phenomenal Moormage14, without whom important details WOULD have been left out of this chapter because I forgot to make some things explicit before I got feedback!!!
TW: Discussions of unhealthy standards regarding body image, implied eating disorder, implied/referenced abuse
La Danse sur Glace: Ice Dancing
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus had nearly bailed on open skate before he’d caught his second wind, and now he was back to almost bouncing as he and Sirius headed for the arena, skates in hand. “Mary est-elle vraiment talentueuse?” Regulus asked.
“I wouldn’t lie,” Sirius said, before repeating it in French. “She does ice dance, though, mostly.”
“Evan me manque,” Regulus admitted. I miss Evan.
“I know, buddy,” Sirius sighed. “You’ll see him next month. You could do a video call or something.”
Regulus lightened significantly. “Tu es brillant, je demanderai,” Regulus informed his brother, as he sent a text. “Demain, cependant, parce que j'ai besoin de dormir ce soir.” Tomorrow, though, because I need to sleep tonight.
“Yeah, I can’t believe you’re skating again today,” Sirius admitted.
“Ce n'est pas la première fois que je fais ça,” Regulus grinned.
“Yeah, you seem crazy enough to train and skate for fun in the same day,” Sirius said, before he repeated it in French, because they reached his friends. “Well? Is she practicing?”
“Mhmm, with her unfortunate new partner. He’s ugly as sin and you’re going to hate this development,” Dorcas replied. “All ready?”
Sirius repeated the question for Regulus, who nodded enthusiastically.
“Now, no making fun of us, Dorcas, Marlene and I are not professionals,” Remus said, and Sirius repeated it for Regulus. Regulus laughed.
“Je promets,” Regulus nodded. He laced up his skates and headed for the ice before looking back in anticipation.
“Poursuivre, bunny!” Sirius called, and Regulus stepped onto the ice, quickly moving away from the entrance before going into a death-drop spin, simply because he could. He did a few loops of delight before focusing on what he presumed was the reason for the group open skate. The girl was good, with clean lines. Her partner was outright lazy, and he kept fumbling.
“Sirius, il est terrible,” Regulus said, in horror, when his brother joined him. Sirius looked even more horrified than Regulus.
“Even we got that,” Dorcas said, with a wince.
“No,” James’ reaction was immediate and loud. Marlene and Dorcas both latched onto James’ arms, and Remus bodily restrained Sirius. “No, she cannot partner with him! Not after everything!”
Regulus looked to his brother for an explanation, but Sirius’ horror had passed to fuming.
“Je comprends pas,” Regulus said, looking between the group. He pulled out his mobile and pulled up a translator. “Explique moi,” he requested.
“ That is Severus Snape,” Marlene started. “We’ve all got history with him. He and Lily were best friends, but there was… uh,” Marlene paused, looking at James and Sirius.
“James et moi l'avons peut-être intimidé,” Sirius admitted. Regulus raised his eyebrows. “Mais il a donné aussi bien qu'il a obtenu.” James and I may have bullied him. But he gave as good as he got.
“We had a really dramatic fight which resulted in him and Lily no longer being friends, which is for the best, but also…” James contributed, his fists clenching. Regulus turned off his phone to observe instead, watching as Mary was all but dropped by her partner, not once, but three times in a row, all because his posture was incorrect and his grip half hearted.
When their coach stepped forward, it was clear that he was chastising Mary, despite the fact that she’d done absolutely nothing wrong, and her posture had been perfect.
“ Sûrement pas,” Regulus declared, before quickly heading towards the pair and their coach. “Bonsoir,” Regulus greeted, with steely determination. He could hear his brother and his friends calling for him in horror, but his determination could not be swayed. Regulus pulled on every ounce of his breeding and education, forcing his typically casual tone away. “Permettez-moi de le démontrer, car cela semble nécessaire,” Regulus requested, holding out his hand to Mary, and her coach’s eyebrows rose. Allow me to demonstrate, as it seems necessary.
“Excusez-moi?” her coach asked. “Et qui es-tu?” His accent was distinctly British, but Regulus forced himself not to grimace in response. Excuse me? And who are you?
“Je m'appelle Regulus Black, Monsieur. Je suis l'élève de Perenelle Flamel.” My name is Regulus Black. I’m a student of Perenelle Flamel.
“De Perenelle Flamel?” her coach repeated doubtfully. “C'est étrange. Perenelle est une amie chère. Je ne savais pas qu'elle avait pris un nouvel élève.” Of Perenelle Flamel ? It’s strange, Perenelle is a dear friend. I didn’t know she’d taken on a new student.
“Nous avons commencé seulement aujourd'hui. Nous serons là demain matin à 4 h 30, si vous voulez avoir une preuve. Je suis pourtant le représentant de la Grande-Bretagne pour les Championnats d'Europe, cet hiver. Si vous voulez me googler,” Regulus added, extending his own mobile, open to Google. We started only today. We will be here tomorrow morning at 4:30, if you would like to have proof. I’m the representative of Great Britain for the European Championships, though, this winter. If you’d like to Google me.
“Je reconnais ton nom,” the coach dismissed. “Si tu penses pouvoir démontrer, sois mon invité. Mary, this is Regulus Black. I’d like you to practice the backward inside death spiral with him, just for a try.” I recognize your name. If you think you can demonstrate, be my guest.
“S'il vous plaît, monsieur, assurez-lui que je ne la laisserai pas tomber,” Regulus requested when Mary hesitated. Please, sir, assure her that I won’t drop her.
“He promises that he won’t drop you,” her coach seemed to find this immensely amusing, and even as Severus Snape huffed, Mary looked genuinely amused by her change in partner until Regulus moved towards her.
“Right, okay,” Mary said, softly, a flicker of uncertainty on her face.
“Ça ira,” Regulus coaxed, extending his hand to her. “Je vais faire comme il était.”
“He’ll time it just as Severus was, Mary,” her coach translated.
“Okay,” Mary repeated, and took Regulus’ hand. This time, the death spiral went off without a hitch, and as Mary gracefully exited it, she immediately spun to hug Regulus. “ Thank you ! Severus! Do it just like that!” Mary demanded, as she let go of Regulus. Regulus moved over to the side, next to her coach.
“Me connaissais-tu?” Her coach asked. Do you know me?
“Non, monsieur,” Regulus answered immediately.
“Je m’appelle Albus Dumbledore. Me connaissais-tu maintenant?” My name is Albus Dumbledore. Do you know me now?
“Ah, oui,” Regulus forced a display that was suitably humbled and a little bit flustered, despite the fact that he internally rolled his eyes. “Je comprends votre commentaire sur Madame Flamel, maintenant. Je suis désolé de ne pas vous avoir reconnu.” Ah, yes. I understand your comment regarding Madame Flamel, now. I’m sorry to not have recognized you.
“Ah, ce n'est pas un problème,” Dumbledore assured, though his attention was on his skaters. This time, Severus barely managed not to drop Mary. “Fais-tu de la danse sur glace, Regulus? Professionnellement?” Ah, it is not a problem. Do you ice dance, Regulus? Professionally?
“Ah,” Regulus hesitated. “Je suis transgenre. J'ai fait la danse sur glace quand je patinais en tant que femme.” Ah. I am transgender. I did ice dancing when I was skating as a woman.
“Aimerais-tu le faire en tant qu'homme ? Je crains que Severus ne soit pas le meilleur candidat pour Mary,” Dumbledore asked, and Regulus’ hesitation grew. Would you like to do it as a man? I fear that Severus is not the best candidate for Mary.
“Il faudrait que j'y réfléchisse,” Regulus replied. “Ma vie est en ébullition, avec de nombreux changements. Et le singles est ma poursuite. Mais si vous voulez que je fasse une démonstration... il a l'air d'avoir besoin d'un guide.” I’d need to consider it. My life is in turmoil, with numerous changes. And the singles are my pursuit. But, if you want me to demonstrate… he looks like he needs a guide.
Dumbledore chuckled, softly. “Assez juste. Je vais t'en donner ma carte. Dormez dessus et tenez-moi au courant.” Fair enough. I’ll give you my card. Sleep on it, and let me know.
“Oui, Monsieur Dumbledore, je vais,” Regulus agreed, as he accepted the card. “Merci de m'avoir permis de vous interrompre.” Yes, Monsieur Dumbledore, I will. Thank you for allowing me to interrupt you.
“Merci de ton aide. Severus fait mieux quand il est en compétition. Je pense que tu l'as battu deux fois maintenant que tu t'es qualifié pour la Grande-Bretagne,” Dumbledore replied. “Nous nous entraînons la nuit. Quelque chose d'important, pendant que tu considères ma question.” Thank you for your aid. Severus does best when he is in competition. I believe you’ve bested him twice now as you’ve qualified for Great Britain. We train at night. Something important, as you consider my question.
“Merci beaucoup. Si cela ne vous dérange pas, diriez-vous à Mary que j'espère que son partenaire s'améliore?” If you don’t mind, would you tell Mary I hope her partner gets better?
Dumbledore chuckled again. “Mary, Regulus would like to wish you a better partner,” Dumbledore translated, and Regulus, stuck in his ruse, merely smiled as charmingly as he could before he headed back for his brother and his friends.
“What the fuck was that?” James looked besides himself, even as he was still restrained by Marlene and Dorcas.
“Regulus, qu'as-tu fait?” Sirius rephrased it, slightly, and Regulus shrugged.
“Elle le faisait correctement. Il ne l'était pas. Je viens de montrer comment cela doit être fait,” Regulus winced as the formal, posher accent came out crisp and clear as crystal. Sirius immediately recoiled slightly in surprise.
“He says she was doing it correctly, and that Snape wasn’t, so he showed them how to do it correctly. Dumbledore t'a-t-il donné sa carte?”
“Ouais,” Regulus exhaled sharply, shaking out his arms. “J’ai besoin de patiner.” He’d previously managed to suppress it, but now that he wasn’t faced with Dumbledore and the need to perform, the possible ramifications of what he’d done had truly hit him, and his options were skating or panicking. Thankfully, his brother knew him at least somewhat decently.
“Ok, ok, patine,” Sirius shooed him away.
Regulus took several deep breaths before he realized the only thing that he was possibly going to manage to use to calm himself was also the one thing that was going to make him regret his life in the morning: more jumps. He started out with a triple lutz, quadruple toe loop combination. He vaguely heard Marlene and Dorcas cheer, but it had very little impact. When he found his next clear stretch of ice, he switched to a triple lutz, quadruple loop combination, managing a clean landing. He made three loops around the ice, idly watching his brother and James as they seemed to race, avoiding the practicing figure skaters as best they could. Marlene, Dorcas, and Remus were all holding hands and seemingly all watching him.
The instant he had a clear stretch of ice, he did a quadruple toe loop in combination with another quadruple toe loop, adding as much of a flourish to it as he could. When he realized he had Dumbledore’s attention, too, he threw in one of his more insane combinations; a quadruple toe loop followed by a quadruple salchow. He just barely managed a clean landing, wavering slightly.
“Tu es fatigué, Reg,” Sirius called, and Regulus nodded. “Connaître ses limites!”
“Juste un de plus,” Regulus called back, before pushing himself through a quadruple toe loop, quadruple loop combination. Promptly, he left the ice, all but collapsing into the hockey box. His brother and James were there in mere blinks.
“You’re an absolute madlad, Reg, Jesus,” his brother said. “Tu es fou!”
“Mais oui,” Regulus replied, with a grin, before he tilted his head back in exhaustion. “Ah, je suis très fatigué.”
“Et tu as trop de formalité,” Sirius replied, and Regulus winced, slinking down a bit. “Ça va?”
“Ça va,” Regulus confirmed. “Le partenaire de Mary l'a-t-il encore lâchée?”
Sirius gave a bark of laughter. “No, he’s not dropped her because they stopped practicing to watch you,” Sirius repeated the sentiment in French after only a heartbeat-long pause. Regulus nodded.
“Très bien,” Regulus murmured. After a moment, the others of their group joined them. “Pourquoi vous tenez-vous tous la main?”
“He wants to know why you’re all holding hands,” Sirius reported to Marlene, Dorcas, and Remus.
“If one goes down, we all go down!” Marlene reported brightly.
“Si l'un tombe, ils le font tous,” Sirius reported. Regulus snorted.
A moment later, in a flurry of dark curls and a huge smile, they were joined by Mary, too.
“Mary, I believe you’ve met my brother, Regulus,” Sirius said, and Mary laughed.
“My knight in shining armor!” Mary declared.
“Son chevalier en armure brillante,” Sirius reported, and Regulus laughed.
“Enchanté, Mary,” Regulus replied. “Je suis profondément désolé pour le manque de compétence de ton partenaire.”
“He’s deeply sorry for the incompetence of your partner,” Sirius relayed, and Mary winced. “Regulus, utilise ton mobile,” Sirius requested, and Regulus pulled out his translating app. Sirius and James immediately headed off, back to a truly destructive, incredibly fast race.
“My partner’s a piece of work. He had some rather nasty things to say after you helped us, I’m afraid. Thank you though, for your help.” Regulus nodded immediately.
“Le plaisir était pour moi. Je déteste tomber, et ce n'était pas ta faute.” My pleasure. I hate falling, and it wasn’t your fault. “Si jamais tu veux t'entraîner avec quelqu'un qui sait ce qu'il fait, je peux te donner mon numéro de portable,” Regulus’ smile was outright devious, and when his words translated, Mary flushed slightly. If you ever want to train with someone who knows what he’s doing, I can give you my mobile number.
“I’d like that,” Mary replied. Regulus pulled up a contact, and handed over his mobile. After she handed him his mobile back, he sent a simple text that read ‘C’est Regulus ;)’.
“Your quads are… I’ve never seen anything like that,” Mary confessed, and Regulus allowed himself to blush when it translated.
“Merci beaucoup. Tu es très doué aussi,” Regulus replied.
“I might be talented, but you’re going to be famous. At this rate you’ll be landing the quad axel!” Mary laughed, but when Regulus did not, she stopped to look at him more seriously. He raised a single eyebrow. “No!”
“Shh, c’est un secret,” Regulus replied, with a smirk.
“No! Oh my god! Do you have a video?” Mary asked, and Regulus hesitated as it translated. After a moment, Regulus pulled up the video that Pernelle had taken that morning. Mary shrieked, before she joined him in the box, to grasp his hand in both of hers. “When you’re famous, please remember me, my knight in shining armor,” she requested dramatically, and Regulus shifted their hands so that he could press a kiss to the back of her hand.
“Tu es inoubliable,” Regulus declared. You’re unforgettable.
“I don’t believe it, Reg. You’re not supposed to flirt with literally all of my friends. Why are you like this?” Sirius lamented.
Mary blushed as she quickly pulled away.
“Je suis gentil!” Regulus protested.
“Being nice,” Sirius huffed. “You’re the worst. Le pire!”
“Le patinage est-il terminé?” Regulus asked, holding up his phone for the next response.
“Yeah, arena closes in ten. Can you even walk?”
“Bien sûr,” Regulus replied as he pushed back to his feet and headed back onto the ice, to head towards the exit. His brother kept pace with him the entire way. By the time he was finally in his boots instead of his skates, Regulus truly regretted just how hard he’d pushed. “Sirius, porte-moi,” Regulus requested. His brother snorted, before he broke down into laughter that bordered on giggles.
“Okay, alright, I’ll piggy-back you,” Sirius agreed, before turning so that Regulus could climb onto his back. “You’re lucky you’re small. Tu as de la chance tu es p’tit,” Sirius added, and Regulus hummed. “Right, we’re off,” Sirius added to his friends, sounding slightly strained. “Reg is not as light as he looks.”
“J’suis musclé,” Regulus murmured in his brother’s ear. He didn’t even bother saying goodbye to the rest of the group, too focused on fighting sleep and hanging on.
Regulus just barely managed to remember to text Evan and Barty before he fell asleep that night. By the next morning, they had an evening planned. His brother had specifically asked Regulus not wake him before he left for training, which at three thirty in the morning, Regulus had to admit was fair.
He wasn’t at all surprised that Albus Dumbledore had taken him up on his offer to come to his training with Perenelle. Almost testing his new trainer, Regulus put on the most high-energy, explicitly sexual music that he could come up with. Pernelle laughed so hard she nearly cried at multiple points, and Albus and Nicolas both shared chuckles. Regulus highly doubted his brother would believe him later.
By the time Regulus dragged himself back to their flat to meet Sirius for lunch, he was exhausted beyond belief. “J'ai perdu la forme juste au cours des quelques semaines où je n'ai pas eu d'entraînement,” Regulus announced.
“You’ll be back in shape in no time, bud, don’t worry,” Sirius assured him. “How was your morning?”
“Exhausting. Tomorrow, we will not start until nine,” Regulus answered, and Sirius nodded. “Pernelle liked Suce ton Pote. ”
“I do not believe that,” Sirius said, after he’d stopped sputtering.
“She liked my… uh… pizzazz,” Regulus repeated the word awkwardly, and Sirius was back to making frankly insulting noises. “Tonight, I will be talking with Barty and Evan, vers sept heures.”
“I’ll stay out of your hair,” Sirius promised. “I might see if Prongs, Moony, and Wormy want to go out. Are you… Will you be okay if I go out?”
“Sirius, j’suis émancipé. I am seventeen. I lived on my own for almost a year , and our father was–well. Not exactly present. I will be busy all night. You should go and have fun with your friends,” Regulus replied.
Sirius exhaled heavily. “You’ll call if you need something?” Sirius asked, after a long pause, and Regulus had to work not to roll his eyes.
“Ouais. I will call if I need you. But I will almost definitely not need you, because I will be very busy.”
“I don’t need to worry about Crouch sneaking over, do I? What with him being in London and all.”
“Barty cannot get out of his parents’ house after dark,” Regulus shook his head, looking away.
“Is he… is he safe?”
“Do not ask that,” Regulus requested.
“Reg…”
“None of us had good fathers, okay?” Regulus finally whispered, after a long pause. “They have decided to stay to finish their schooling, and then we will find someplace together, but I–” Regulus exhaled.
“You got out and they chose to stay,” Sirius offered, and Regulus nodded. “It must make it hard to watch.”
“He will be hurt,” Regulus whispered, his throat choked with tears. “They both will, and they will try to hide it because they think I had it worse, and so they do not want my care or sympathy. They just want to ignore it.”
“That sounds hard,” Sirius’ voice had dropped to a matching whisper, and Regulus had to take a long moment before he nodded, to be sure he didn’t cry. “You sure you’re ok alone?”
“Ouais. You would not want to overhear our conversation.”
“Oh. Oh, please don’t tell me you’re going to have phone sex,” Sirius looked revolted.
“Non, non. Evan is going to be sweet , without doubt,” Regulus replied. “And I will as well. Barty will complain but he likes it. Well. I will complain as well, but only when we discuss missing one another.”
“Yeah, I definitely can live without hearing that,” Sirius wrinkled his nose. “If they… ever decide that they need out. You know that they can come here, right? We’ll make room.”
Regulus was silent for a long, painful minute at that question, staring at his brother in surprise. “Non. No, I did not know that,” Regulus admitted.
“Well, they can. Both or either of them. Whenever they need,” Sirius’ tone was firm, but his expression was a little bit apologetic. “They can visit, too, obviously. But if they just need to get out… don’t let not immediately having a next place stop either of them, okay?”
“Okay,” Regulus murmured, softly, blinking back against the pressure of tears behind his eyes.
“This is your home, Reg,” Sirius stepped closer, reaching out to link their hands. “Our home, yes, but still yours. I want it to be safe, for all of your needs. Okay? So if–if we ever need to make a jail break, or something, we’ll have to figure out a way to hit London and Paris before their fathers can communicate but–” Sirius hesitated, before he squeezed Regulus’ hand. “We’ll always figure it out. Together. You’re not on your own, and neither are they, I promise. If you trust them, all of my friends would help, too, guaranteed. And James’ parents.”
“They are the ones who… who took you in,” Regulus said, cautiously, as if afraid the words would reopen wounds. From Sirius’ slight wince, it wasn’t an entirely unfounded concern.
“Yeah, yeah they are,” Sirius confirmed. “Effie and Monty. They’re… really good people, truly,” Sirius added. “We’ll have to get you around to meet them sometime. Or get Effie to come and watch you skate, she’d love that. She tried to get Prongs into figure skating, when he was really small, but he just wanted to go fast and hit things.”
Despite the heaviness of their earlier topic, at the idea of a young James showing a propensity towards hockey while in figure skating lessons, Regulus gave a startled laugh.
“Yeah, the videos are a riot,” Sirius agreed, with a small, but still pained smile.
“Not like ours,” Regulus whispered.
“No, not like ours,” Sirius agreed. “Not even a little like ours. There were no early mornings, or–or coaches whose sole mission was to make him suffer, or… for you–” Sirius broke off.
“You do not need to point out the flaws in my sport, Sirius, I am well aware,” Regulus had to work not to close off or snap at his brother. He didn’t entirely succeed. “I know that it was not healthy, and that I still struggle to have a healthy relationship with exercise and food. I know that it was, is… too much pressure, for children, for adults, even. But I still… I still love it, and I still want to do the work, and I am… I am trying to make it better, for myself.”
“I know. I didn’t mean to… attack it like that,” Sirius’ expression was apologetic, even if he didn’t outright apologize. “It just… was hell for me, and I know you love it, but it…”
“It was only pain for you,” Regulus didn’t manage to hide the quiver in his voice.
“It wasn’t only pain,” Sirius corrected. “You and I had fun, loads of it. When we were allowed. When we weren’t–” Sirius broke off abruptly.
“Say it,” Regulus couldn’t help but plead. “Please. Please, say it.”
“When we weren’t… being… abused,” Sirius’ voice was barely audible, and Regulus gave a quiet sob in response, but it was still better than his brother avoiding the term. “Don’t cry, Reg, please.”
“Sorry, sorry,” Regulus gasped, and took a long moment to compose himself. “Thank you. For saying it.”
“I don’t know why you wanted me to when it just upset you.”
“Because I need to know that you know, that you felt it too, that I didn’t… imagine it all,” Regulus admitted.
“There’s no way to imagine that, Reg,” Sirius assured him. “Not… not the way you were treated, especially. God. They had you checking your weight twice a day before you were even ten.”
“Don’t,” Regulus requested. “ Please don’t.”
“I’m just… trying to validate your experience,” Sirius held up his hands in a gesture of peace. “You weren’t allowed to wear proper clothes like 90% of the time, that had to fuck you up even without gender stuff.”
Regulus flinched.
“Sorry,” Sirius’ shoulders dropped, and he looked genuinely apologetic again. “We aren’t very good at this, are we? This… being together?”
Regulus exhaled sharply. “It will get easier,” it was a firm command, rather than a promise.
“Yeah. Neither of us is going to stop trying, right?”
“That is correct,” Regulus agreed, forcing his tone to soften slightly. “Let us… not speak of it any more, right now.”
“Okay,” Sirius agreed, and, awkwardly, silence settled over them.
Regulus closed and locked his bedroom door even though his brother was long gone by the time his video call came around. Though his brother had even suggested it, it still felt as though he were doing something against the rules as he prepared to talk to Evan and Barty, curled up in his bed in his pajamas. The instant the call connected, he had to reach for the box of tissues he’d brought with him.
“Oh, Reg,” Barty sounded a mix between concerned, exasperated, and adoring.
“It’s alright, mon astre amoureux,” Evan soothed.
“I am just so happy to see you both, why does this happen to me?” Regulus moaned, as he tried to hide his tears without dropping his mobile.
“We’re happy to see you, too, Reg. We don’t mind when you cry,” Barty assured him.
“C’est doux,” Evan agreed. “ Tu es doux.”
“I do not want to be sweet! I want to be terrifiant!”
“Oh, mon rêve, rest assured, you are very terrifying as well,” Evan soothed. Regulus took several deep breaths and managed to look at his friends again. “There you are. Salut, mon astre lumineux,” Evan greeted.
Regulus flushed immediately. “Evan,” he protested, though he was far more flustered than embarrassed.
“Mais mon astre bienveillant,” Evan started. “You shine so brightly. Je pense que tu es un corps céleste, comme... divinité.”
“Barty, please distract your boyfriend,” Regulus requested.
“No, no, I agree, you’re definitely a celestial body, and definitely divine. Your abs alone are godly,” Barty nodded enthusiastically. “Baby, you have such a way with words, it’s amazing.”
“Eugh, baby ,” Regulus rejected.
“Merci, mon oie,” Evan replied, instead of addressing Regulus’ rejection of Barty’s choice of pet names, despite the fact that Barty hadn’t called Regulus ‘baby’. “Although, I am offended I did not get complimented on my abs,” Evan added. Immediately both Regulus and Barty rushed to appreciate the fact that Evan was currently shirtless.
“It’s really incredible to be lucky enough to witness two professional figure skaters in all of their glory,” Barty sighed. “Reg, show me your abs, please.”
“I feel… objectified,” Regulus announced, even as he pulled off his shirt with a grin. “Sirius was worried we were going to have phone sex.”
Barty started laughing so hard that he dropped his mobile immediately, and Evan was nearly sobbing by the time he managed to stop laughing.
“I hope you told him we were,” Barty said. “Because that’s less weird than the fact that I just want to stare at both of your abs in complete awe.”
“Shh, nothing about us is weird,” Evan soothed. “We merely are who we are, and that is fine.”
“I would have phone sex if you wanted,” Regulus added.
“But would you want it?” Evan asked. Regulus made a face. “And that is why we only do things like that in person. Touch is important to you, mon ciel étoilé, and you are important to us.”
“Je vous aime tous les deux,” Regulus declared.
“We love you too,” Evan and Barty spoke in unison.
“I have much news to tell you,” Regulus added. “Since it will be public shortly.”
“Oh?” Evan prompted when Regulus hesitated.
“My new trainer is Perenelle Flamel.”
He waited until Evan and Barty had both calmed down to continue. “Albus Dumbledore asked me to swap places with one of his current skaters, to compete in ice dancing. I met the person who would be my partner. She was nice.”
“Do you want to do something like that, comme un homme?” Evan’s expression was full of earnest interest.
“...No. I do not want to compete with a partner, without you,” Regulus admitted, after a long moment. “I miss you. I miss both of you, but I especially miss you when I skate, Evan.”
“I miss you when I skate as well,” Evan replied. “I have not found a partner who can match you. I doubt that I will. Perhaps this winter, Barty would film us. So that we can begin posting videos of pair skating, together, as we truly are.”
Regulus lit up at the idea before he visibly hesitated. “Your father would be… unhappy.”
“Well,” Evan said, before licking his lips and taking a deep breath. “My father will have to adjust to being unhappy, because you are far too important to me. He will have no say in my life by June.”
“Sirius… said that if either of you need to leave your parents before then, you are welcome here,” Regulus said, softly.
“It’s okay, Reg, we’re okay,” Barty promised, but it felt as forced as it always did.
“Okay. I just wanted to be sure that you knew.”
“Thank you, mon doux ange,” Evan replied.
“Why do you call me more pet names than you call your boyfriend?”
“Because mon diablotin is much happier with titles that are not quite so sweet,” Evan replied. Barty grinned at the response. “So he is a goose, and an imp, and occasionally he receives sweeter names, but only occasionally. You, however, thrive under the attention, and I have never seen a sight as beautiful as you when you are flustered.”
Regulus flushed again, before flopping down dramatically on his bed, curled on his side around his mobile. “Je souhaite que vous soyez tous les deux ici avec moi.”
“We wish we were with you as well,” Barty assured him.
“I miss you both. I would like to kiss you.”
“If we were there, we would make sure you were never deprived of kisses,” Evan assured. “You look exhausted, mon astre guide.”
“That one is new as well,” Regulus commented, instead of addressing the comment about his appearance.
“Well, your absence from my training is still new,” Evan reasoned. “I am beginning to learn that much of what I have achieved, I have achieved because you showed me it was possible.”
“Who would’ve thought that that tiny little figure skater we met all those years ago who was copying our routines would’ve shown us so much, huh, Ev?” Barty teased. “Reg, for real, you’re half-asleep. If you need to sleep, we’ll find another time to talk.”
“J’veux pas dormir,” Regulus protested. “I miss you.”
“Alright,” Barty agreed after a moment. “Plug in your mobile, love.” When Regulus had done as he’d asked, Barty continued. “Good. Very good, Reg.”
“Barty,” Regulus protested the praise automatically, his cheeks flushing again without his consent.
“Evan and I’ll just keep chatting until you fall asleep. Okay? You’ll fall asleep with us still with you.”
“Okay,” Regulus agreed after a long moment. “I love you both.”
“We love you too, mon ciel étoilé,” Evan murmured. “Close your eyes, mon astre lumineux. You are not alone.”
After a moment, Regulus settled in, and listened while Barty and Evan discussed their coursework, enjoying the mix of French and English that soothed his anxieties away as he dropped into a truly peaceful sleep.
Notes:
Evan should win awards for the simultaneously most sweet and most disgusting pet names ever alkdsjglsdjg astre on its own is just such a BIG pet name to give, but these variations are ABSURD and also delight me.
Death spirals my beloved <33333333333 fave thing to do when pair skating as a woman, so long as your partner has a good grip
I feel the need to warn you all that uhhh as I work on Ch. 05 for this fic, my aim to keep this fic light and fluffy is uhhh perhaps not going to be met. It’s not so bad!!! But it is going to be a LOT of feels next update, because apparently it turns out I am incapable of writing something that I would classify as “fluff”.
Chapter 5: Trébuchant
Notes:
Trébuchant: Stumbling
Ok. Some tags have been edited. They’re mostly going to become relevant in the next couple of chapters, but uh. I’ve also added a note to the beginning of this fic because I sure thought I could write a fluffy fic about pro figure skating but the reality is that it was an inherently traumatizing experience for me at least–it is an incredibly toxic environment, you rarely form friends except for those in other categories (because it’s cutthroat and toxic competition wise), coaches (in my experience) are usually NOT as pictured in this fic, there’s a lot of pressure for your body to look a certain way no matter how you have to achieve that, and it WILL worsen any existing mental health issues due to stress and expectations. So. Yeah. Lol. My for fun fic is ACTUALLY a pretty serious exploration of this particular sport’s potential impact on mental health (and the impact of Child Abuse).
Don’t get me wrong!!!! It’s still going to have fluff and delightful stuff and the next chapter is gonna have some really great stuff along with some angst!!! But it’s also gonna have some major Discussions over the next few chapters because Reg’s mental health is actually kind of Yikes.
TW: Panic attacks, PTSD, referenced child abuse, referenced alcohol abuse, referenced illicit drug abuse (vaguely, not by any characters in this chapter)
Shout out to Moormage14 for both editing AND reacting basically in real-time to this story unfolding because oh BOY it made us both feel some things!!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus had forgotten to turn his alarm off, despite the fact that his training had been pushed back to later in the morning. That meant that from three thirty in the morning until roughly seven, he merely dozed. When he got up, he started out quiet, until he saw the state of disarray that his brother had left their flat in.
Despite the fact that Regulus had soundly slept through it, there was absolutely no doubt that his brother had come home utterly sloshed the night before. Regulus took the time to fill a glass with water and fetch some paracetamol, but it was absolutely merely an excuse to annoyingly wake up his undoubtedly hungover brother.
As he cracked open the door to Sirius’ bedroom, he realized that Sirius’ mobile was buzzing with an incoming call. “Sirius?” Regulus prompted. “J’ai de l'eau et du paracétamol,” Regulus announced. Sirius groaned, and pushed his face into his pillow. “Ton mobile sonnait.” Regulus set the water and paracetamol on Sirius’ bedside table, before sitting cross-legged on the foot of Sirius’ bed. “Sirius.” He made his tone intentionally sing-songy.
“Reg?” Sirius muttered, before groaning. “What time is it?”
“Sept heures,” Regulus answered.
“Ugh. Are you okay? Why did you wake me?”
“Ton mobile sonnait.”
“My mobile was ringing?” Sirius repeated, before blearily blinking up at Regulus. “Check it for me?”
Regulus was momentarily stunned into perfect stillness. “Check… your mobile?”
“Yeah. I trust you. See who it was?”
Regulus suddenly regretted his decision to wake Sirius up, because his brother truly didn’t seem to understand just how much trust he was placing in him. After a moment, though, Regulus managed to grab Sirius’ mobile.
“2408,” Sirius mumbled, and Regulus felt as though his heart had stopped at the utterance of his own birthday. With shaking hands, he typed in the passcode, and forced himself to pull up the call log.
“It was… It was Uncle Alphard. He has sent a text,” Regulus reported, after clearing his throat.
“What’s it say?” Sirius prompted.
“He… would like to have us over for dinner?” Regulus replied, blinking furiously to try and be sure that he read the text correctly. “Tonight, if available.”
“Wanna go to dinner? He’ll make sure it’s vegetarian,” Sirius commented.
“I–” Regulus hesitated. “Do you?”
“Only if you do. I know family can be a lot.”
“He… is nice? You like him?”
“Yeah. Yeah, Uncle Al’s good, kid. He’s not going to hurt you, I promise,” Sirius sat up a little bit, even though it made him visibly wince to do so. “I also wouldn’t let him hurt you, but he’s not even a low-level risk.”
“Okay. Okay, I would… like to go to dinner,” Regulus decided. Sirius smiled.
“Text him back, then. Did you actually bring me paracetamol or did I imagine that?”
“C’est là,” Regulus replied, nodding to the bedside table, before carefully typing back a message and trying to match Sirius’ English as best as possible. Immediately after, he locked the mobile and tossed it away, to try and minimize the interaction as much as possible.
“You’re the best,” Sirius declared, as he laid back down. “And I love you very much.”
Regulus blinked furiously, trying to stave off the threat of tears, and after a moment, he resorted to pressing his fingers to his eyes.
It took his brother a very long moment to open his eyes again to take in Regulus’ position. “Hey. Reg? You okay?” Sirius asked, and after a moment, Regulus merely shook his head. “Oh boy, okay, what’s wrong?”
“You–” Regulus’ voice stuck painfully in his throat. He shook his head.
“Whatever I did wrong, I’m sorry,” Sirius’ apology, though vague, was unmistakably heartfelt. “I’m sorry, Reg, I didn’t–I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I am not–” Regulus exhaled slowly, to try and suppress the threat of progressing to sobbing. “You… trust me. And you love me.”
“Yeah? I do. That’s just the truth,” Sirius sounded hesitant, but Regulus couldn’t look at him to try and ascertain his emotions.
“We–it has been–you–” Regulus cut off, before deciding on: “Your mobile passcode is my birthday.”
There was a significant pause. “Best day of my life. Can’t forget it,” Sirius replied, weakly.
“Best day of your life?” Regulus repeated, incredulously. “You do not remember it!”
“Well, that doesn’t mean it isn’t the best day of my life. It’s the day I got you. My little brother. My partner in crime. All my first memories are of you, Reg. All my good childhood memories have you right there beside me. Of course it was the best day of my life. Nothing, nothing will ever top it.”
Regulus couldn’t stop his sobs anymore, but the instant he broke down, his brother was there, pulling him into a tight hug.
“I trust you with everything I am, Reg. Everything I have, all parts of me,” Sirius murmured, right in his ear. “Nothing in my life is off limits, not to you, not if you want to know.” Sirius paused. “Well. Okay, let’s not–that sounds wrong . Let’s not follow some gross family traditions, that’s off limits. But emotional stuff, that’s all on the table.”
Regulus’ sobs immediately, and almost-violently turned to laughter as his brother course-corrected on the potentially ambiguous statement. “I love you too,” Regulus finally managed. “But I do not trust you with my mobile.”
“That’s okay. I’m not asking you to,” Sirius replied, immediately, without a single beat of hesitation. “I’m not asking you to trust me with anything that you aren’t ready for, lapinou, I promise.”
The nickname brought back the sobbing, but only for a brief moment, until Regulus managed to remember how to breathe. It involved matching his breath to his brother’s, but it worked.
“I do trust you, though,” Regulus added.
“I know. You wouldn’t let me near you while you were crying if you didn’t,” Sirius replied, pulling back enough to wipe Regulus’ cheeks. “You also wouldn’t have asked to come here in the first place.”
“Non, I would not have,” Regulus agreed, after a moment. “I am glad that I did, though.”
Sirius smiled, and it was a smile that Regulus hadn’t seen in years. It was the smile that Sirius always had right before they broke the rules, the kind that made it feel as though there was a secret shared just between the two of them.
“I’m glad you did too. You getting here was the second happiest day of my life,” Sirius replied.
Regulus essentially launched himself at his brother for a second, stronger hug, knocking Sirius back onto his bed with an ‘oof’.
“We okay, kid?”
“Yes,” Regulus decided, after a long moment. “We are okay.”
“Good, that’s all I want.” Sirius petted Regulus’ hair for several long moments. They stayed there, tangled up, with Sirius half asleep, until Regulus’ mobile chimed to let him know it was time to get ready to leave.
“Go back to sleep. You look like shit,” Regulus told his brother, as he pulled away.
Sirius’ laughter was interrupted only briefly by his wish that Regulus have fun at training.
The first two hours of practice went terribly. Regulus didn’t fail to land anything, but his jumps were not perfectly clean.
“Arrêt, Regulus, suffisamment,” Perenelle called. “Come speak with me,” she said, and Regulus joined her with clear chagrin. “Your head is not in this, today. What’s wrong?”
“J’suis désolé,” Regulus said, immediately, looking outright apologetic. “It is–nothing is wrong , exactly,” Regulus hesitated.
“Come sit. Come tell me,” Perenelle requested, and Regulus stepped off the ice to join her in the stands. “Is it your brother?”
Regulus startled, and she nodded encouragingly. “I suppose, oui,” Regulus confirmed. “This morning, we had a discussion. A good discussion, but it was–he does not seem to understand how much it meant to me, and I am… unsure how to communicate it to him?”
“That’s always tricky,” Perenelle murmured, and Regulus exhaled.
“We keep… nearly miscommunicating. And I am afraid, that we will misunderstand, and things will… become too difficult, and he will… regret helping me,” it was far more honest than he intended to share, but Perenelle’s expression was simply so concerned and caring that he couldn’t help himself.
“From what I’ve seen of you and your brother, he’s far too invested in your well being to ever regret helping you, Regulus,” Perenelle replied gently.
“He… said the day I was born was the best day of his life, and I–I do not think I have a best day of my life. I have days that were good, and many days that were… nothing, and days that were bad, and days that were very bad, but… I would not–perhaps qualifying for Great Britain, to know that I would be competing in the Men’s Singles at that level. But even that…” Regulus trailed off, looking out at the ice, and the marks he’d left. “Not even landing a quatre-A for the first time was the best day. It was just… not bad.”
“That sounds rather sad,” Perenelle murmured, and Regulus huffed softly, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Were there a lot of bad days?”
“When I… when I was thirteen,” Regulus started, and stopped, hesitant and nervous.
“I promise that whatever you tell me, I will not even tell Nicolas,” Perenelle promised.
“When I was thirteen, I was diagnosed as Autistic,” Regulus continued. “My father… to say my father was upset would be an understatement. Despite my efforts, my school found out, and wanted to accommodate my needs. I–my father–” Regulus took a deep breath. “My father beat me. He put me in hospital, and for a while, it was not clear that I would walk again, let alone skate.”
Perenelle’s hand covered his, and she squeezed it gently. He didn’t look away from the ice. “That was a lot of bad days,” Regulus confessed.
“Not very bad days?” Perenelle clarified, softly, and Regulus nodded.
“Not one of them was a very bad day.”
“I see,” Perenelle murmured. There was a pause, as she visibly thought it over. “Perhaps that just means your best day hasn’t happened yet.”
“Do you think?” Regulus asked, finally turning to look at her, and when he did, she smiled.
“Yes, I am quite sure, in fact,” Perenelle replied. “I am certain you will have a best day, Regulus. And I think you will have it soon.”
Despite the lingering doubt, Regulus smiled, the gesture coming more naturally than it had except for when he’d interacted with Evan and Barty.
“Is that all that’s on your mind?” Perenelle asked. “I get the sense it might not be.”
“How?” Regulus asked, instead of replying.
“Hmm?”
“How do you know that it is not all that is on my mind? Ce n’est pas p’tit.”
Perenelle’s smile widened. “No, it’s not small. But you still look worried, and you haven’t moved towards the ice. That tells me you’re not done talking, yet.”
Regulus huffed again, shaking his head slightly in amusement that she could read him so well. “I am going to see my uncle this evening. I have not seen him since I was young. Sirius promises that it will be fine, but I… am afraid that I will look at him and see my father. They are second cousins.”
“I beg your pardon?” Perenelle’s response seemed automatic. “Your uncle and your father are second cousins?”
“Yes. My mother and father are second cousins as well. My uncle is my mother’s brother,” Regulus elaborated.
“Alright, I think I follow, now. I see the fear for a family resemblance, certainly,” Perenelle nodded.
“I do not know… how to interact with… men of a certain age, to start with,” Regulus added, and Perenelle nodded again. “But if he looks or sounds comme mon père…”
“It is understandable that you’d be anxious, with that much uncertainty. Sirius likes him?”
“Ouais, je crois,” Regulus answered.
“Trust your brother, if you can. He wouldn’t let someone near you if he thought they’d hurt you. Comme un chien fidèle, celui-là.”
Regulus hummed in response, and after a moment, nodded. The description of Sirius as a loyal dog even brought a ghost of a smile to his face. “Merci, Perenelle,” he finally replied, turning his hand to squeeze hers a single time. “I think I can focus, now.”
“Très bien, back to it!” Perenelle instructed. “What other delightful music do you have for me today?”
Regulus laughed, as he searched for a song. “My Evan sent this one to me, he thought I’d find it sweet,” Regulus replied, as he pressed play and headed back towards the ice.
By the time Regulus made it back home, he was feeling marginally less anxious about how the evening could go. Sirius was sitting on the sofa, hunched over a cup of coffee, and looking thoroughly miserable still.
“Have you eaten?” Regulus asked, and Sirius merely groaned. “Food will help.”
“I feel nauseous,” Sirius reported, and Regulus snorted.
“Yes, hangovers will do that, I hear.”
“You hear? You haven’t been hungover? That was the first thing I did when I got my own flat,” Sirius perked up, and even turned to look at Regulus.
“I… have no interest in losing control, like that. I do not drink past being… tipsy? Is that the word?”
“Yeah,” Sirius nodded. “Huh. Makes sense, I suppose,” Sirius granted. “You do seem a bit like even tipsy might push your limits.”
“If I am not with Evan and/or Barty, that is true,” Regulus confirmed. “With them, it is safe. Anywhere else… not my preference. Did you have fun last night?”
“Yeah, it was great,” Sirius agreed, with a grin, his expression shifting from thoughtful to fond as he thought about his friends. “Prongs was on the table at one point.”
“I would have liked to see that,” Regulus admitted. “He seems… dramatic.”
“That’s a good word for him, yeah. We’re having a party for you tomorrow night, we decided. Your presence is voluntary, though.”
“If it is a party for me, I will be there,” Regulus laughed. “It has been a long time since I have gotten to go to a party, I enjoy them. I like dancing.”
“You’re going to horrify me, aren’t you?” Sirius’ fondness had only increased with the question. “Did you have a good night with your people?”
Regulus’ smile was almost unbearably soft, even for him to experience. “Yes. I fell asleep very quickly, but they did not mind.”
“Did you sleep well? Falling asleep like that?”
Regulus glanced up from where he was beginning to fix food, but his brother merely looked curious.
“Yes, very much so,” Regulus admitted. “I did not even hear you arrive home, and it seems you made… noise.”
“I’m glad you didn’t hear me,” Sirius winced. “I tried to be quiet, I promise, but…”
“You were very drunk,” Regulus offered matter of factly.
“I was very drunk. Christ,” Sirius muttered, rubbing his eyes with clear exhaustion.
“I am glad you did not die of alcohol poisoning,” Regulus said solemnly.
“Okay, I was not that drunk,” Sirius replied immediately. Regulus hummed. “I wasn’t! I managed to walk home, didn’t I?”
“Okay, that is fair. Were you alone?”
“Nah, Mary walked me,” Sirius replied with a smile. “She was disappointed you were busy. Everyone asked after you.”
“What did you tell them I was doing?”
“Catching up with your figure skating pals. I wasn’t sure how you wanted me to discuss your relationship.”
“I do not know,” Regulus admitted after a long moment. “I do not know how to explain them, their importance, our relationship. In any language.”
“Yeah, I’m getting that,” Sirius murmured. “So for now, they’ll be your figure skating pals. If that’s okay?”
“That… is not inaccurate, so it is fine,” Regulus granted after a moment. “Although perhaps a bit misleading. It is fine. If I do not figure out how to explain before the holidays, everyone will have a better idea then.”
“What d’you mean?” Sirius asked, as he moved to the table instead of the sofa.
“Barty will film Evan and I skating, this winter. Ice dancing, that is,” Regulus’ smile was still unbearably soft.
“And that’s… gonna be okay?”
“Evan says so,” Regulus replied.
“You doubt it?”
“I doubt many things. I want it too badly to protest if he says it will be fine.”
“You two are notorious, apparently. You kiss after all of your programs.”
“We like kissing,” Regulus shrugged as he turned to start frying eggs. “It’s technically allowed, and no one has complained. Well. No one complained… before. We will not be allowed to compete, now, of course.”
“That sucks. That sucks so much. I genuinely never knew I hated something more than I hated your old costumes, but I hate that more .”
“It is what it is,” Regulus replied, after a brief pause. “I miss it. I miss it a lot, though skating with Mary was enjoyable, and I considered Dumbledore’s offer briefly. But… I will pursue the singles. Perenelle thinks I could have a shot at the Olympics, which would be… well.” Regulus heaved a sigh, and fell silent as he finished fixing eggs and toast for both of them. “Have you had more water?”
“No, switched to coffee,” Sirius replied. “Thanks for cooking, Reg.”
“You look like you feel terrible. It was no bother.”
“I do feel terrible.”
“But it was worth it?” Regulus asked, as he fetched them both water.
“Yeah, yeah it was definitely worth it. Uncle Al says formal dress for tonight. You got something for that?”
“Ouais,” Regulus confirmed, though he immediately felt so anxious he considered forgoing eating. After a long moment, he forced himself to start eating. “This morning…” Regulus started, and Sirius paused, his fork halfway to his mouth. “It… surprised me. That you trusted me so fully.”
Sirius set down his fork to look at Regulus seriously for a long moment. “Will it be less of a surprise, now?” Sirius finally asked.
“I do not know,” Regulus admitted. “I hope so.”
“I hope so too,” Sirius declared as he resumed eating. “Because it’s not going to change.”
It took all of Regulus’ skill not to pretend that that hadn’t felt like a punch to his gut, how casually his brother offered a promise of that caliber. “Okay,” Regulus finally croaked, and Sirius winced.
“It’s not okay, though is it?”
“Not… it is not not okay,” Regulus replied. “I just… do not yet know how to… accept that it is the case.”
“Okay,” Sirius murmured. “Fair enough, really. It’s a lot to throw at you after more than half a decade of only writing to each other. Fuck, we never even texted. And these last three years…” Sirius trailed off, and Regulus forced himself to keep eating. “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out. After I left Mother. I wasn’t… it wasn’t ever you . I need to make sure you know that. I didn’t reach out, after I gave you my mobile number, because I was afraid our parents would find out and–well, before I was 18, our Mother still could’ve forced me back. I didn’t–I didn’t leave how you left. So it was just… me being scared, not you. It was never you.”
Regulus was silent, his focus on continuing to breathe in the face of the chasm that thinking about Sirius’ absence from his life had left in his very soul.
“Please say something, Reg,” Sirius finally requested, when Regulus had finished his food and merely silently set down his cutlery.
“J’sais–” Regulus’ voice broke, and he fell silent again for a long moment. “I do not know what to say,” he admitted. “I hardly know how I am feeling.”
“Can you maybe start with trying to say how you’re feeling?” Sirius requested after a moment.
“When I think… of missing you,” Regulus started. “It is… it is as though my chest… cracks. Broken heart is not even sufficient, it is a deep crevasse. And it… hurts.”
Sirius exhaled heavily, his shoulders drooping slightly. “I’m sorry.”
“No–no. No.” Regulus was a little too forceful, and Sirius winced slightly. “ You do not need to apologize. It was not your fault. It was–it was all them . It was them making you scared, keeping me out of reach, it was never–” Regulus deliberately took a slow, steadying breath. “You were scared, because they were… evil. It was not your fault you did not take the risk. I am glad you did not take the risk. But I… still… grieved for your absence.”
“Oh,” Sirius breathed, and when Regulus finally looked at him, his brother had tears in his eyes. “You don’t… you don’t blame me?”
It was so small and fragile that Regulus couldn’t answer before he had pulled Sirius in for a tight hug, even if it was awkward around the table’s corner. “No. I do not blame you,” Regulus whispered. “Not for a single moment did I ever blame you, Sirius.”
The sob that wracked Sirius’ body shook them both, but Regulus merely adjusted so that he could rub Sirius’ back while he cried. He couldn’t come up with any reassurances, but he didn’t hesitate to offer physical comfort.
“Okay, okay, I’m okay,” Sirius finally managed, thickly, pulling back and rubbing his face to try and eliminate his tears. “Wow, we really aren’t wasting time on crying together, huh, bunny?” He asked, when he took in the fact that Regulus’ face was tear streaked, too. Regulus managed a weak smile.
“We have a lot to make up for, I imagine,” Regulus replied. “It is what it is.” He managed not to flinch as Sirius wiped his face, too.
“Right, I, unfortunately, need a nap,” Sirius admitted.
“Yes, that makes sense,” Regulus nodded. “For you were very drunk last night.”
Regulus had only worn this suit once before, and it still felt like he was playing dress–up despite the fact that it was perfectly tailored. It took effort to get his curls properly gelled back from his face. He didn’t look bad but he didn’t look as though he belonged .
“Oh holy shit,” Sirius said when Regulus appeared. “Goddamn, Prongs can never see you in a suit, he would drool. ”
“What?” Regulus asked, and there was no hiding that he was utterly bewildered.
“Reg, you’re handsome . Like, usually you look good, but you pull off handsome. ”
“...Thank you? You do as well?” Regulus’ confusion had not cleared up.
“You clean up better than I do. You–you look like you belong literally wherever rich, powerful men with too much land to their names belong.”
“...I do not feel like that was a compliment,” Regulus’ frown grew.
“No, no it was definitely a compliment. You’re like… a chameleon. I don’t know how to explain it, don’t worry about it, the point is that that suit works for you.”
“Oh. Thank you,” Regulus nodded once, firmly.
“You’re welcome. You ready to do this?” Sirius asked, and Regulus nodded, even though he was far from actually ready.
Regulus was utterly silent the entire drive to their uncle’s terraced home. When compared to the place that he knew Sirius had lived with their mother, or the apartment that their father still lived in in Paris, it fit roughly within the same level of opulence. Regulus was almost afraid to contemplate what it had cost. He straightened his tie.
“Yeah, I don’t know why he makes us wear them when the only people who are going to see are his butler and chef,” Sirius sounded sympathetic.
Regulus exhaled sharply.
“You okay?”
“J’sais pas,” Regulus admitted, and Sirius nodded.
“Right, well, no time like the present to find out,” Sirius declared cheerfully. After a long moment, Regulus forced himself to exit the car. Sirius pressed the doorbell, and after a moment a man who looked worryingly like an odd combination of their parents opened the door.
Regulus knew, logically, that he and Sirius looked like their parents. They shared similar eyes, cheekbones, mouths, and even their physical frames were more similar now. Both of them looked alike, and both of them took after their family. But he had never once looked at Sirius and dissected which parts of his face more strongly resembled which parent. He was absolutely incapable of not doing that with Alphard, however.
His eyes were almost identical to Orion’s, his irises mere shades lighter. They crinkled in the same way, as he smiled, though Orion rarely smiled.
His cheeks were the same as Walburga’s, and the arch of his eyebrows was identical.
His mouth was identical to Orion’s, just a little too full on the upper lip, and the corners creased permanently, though from the way he currently was smiling, Regulus assumed that the wrinkles came from years of smiling, not frowning as Orion’s did.
He shared the same lean build that both Sirius and Regulus took after, but he held himself with the poise Regulus often tried to avoid, in recent months. Automatically, it had Regulus emulating the perfect posture that was practically military in how controlled it was.
“Ah, my favorite boys,” Alphard greeted, with a broad smile so at odds with facial features that felt stolen. “Come in, come in, please,” Alphard said, though he tugged Sirius in for a hug that made Regulus’ heart skip a beat. Sirius received several pats to his back before Alphard let him go. “It’s a pleasure to see you, Regulus, truly. Never did I imagine one of us would have such panache in leaving the family. Were I wearing a hat, I’d take it off in your honor, sir,” Alphard announced, dramatically, and Regulus managed a weak smile.
“I did not do it the way I did to be dramatic,” Regulus defended weakly, and Alphard laughed. Alphard patted him twice on his shoulder but thankfully didn’t pull him into a hug.
“Ah, our actions often have consequences we do not intend. Your father has already been asking about you. I’ve told him nothing about you, naturally. But I hear you’re training with Perenelle Flamel? That’s bound to be even bigger news, when it breaks.”
Regulus glanced at Sirius, who shook his head.
“Ah, I have my sources, never fear, never fear,” Alphard assured, as he led them into the dining room, the table much too large for just three people. If anything, the reassurances only made Regulus fear more. “Regulus, you’re French. I assume if I give you alcohol, I don’t need to water it down.”
Regulus couldn’t quite contain his derisive snort. “Sûrement pas. I am not a… comment dit-on?” He looked at his brother for the word.
“Lightweight?” Sirius suggested, with a grin.
“Exactement,” Regulus replied.
“Then let us indulge in an apéritif,” Alphard invited. A moment later, a butler appeared with a tray containing three drinks. “You’ve been living in Île-de-France, no, Regulus?”
“Oui, Monsieur,” Regulus replied automatically.
“Oh, non, non, non, Oncle Al est approprié,” Alphard assured him. Regulus managed a smile that only felt slightly brittle. “Have you had a pommeau? It’s very popular in Normandy, which is of course, where our family is relatively recently from.”
“Non, I have not. I have, however, had Calvados, which I would presume is involved?” Regulus replied, and Alphard beamed.
“It is, it is,” Alphard nodded, and handed Regulus a glass. “This is essentially apple juice and Calvados,” Alphard added, and Regulus waited to take a sip of the beverage until Alphard and his brother had, because there was no doubt that while Alphard’s focus was on Regulus, in terms of social ranking, the first-born, true son, runaway or not, outranked Regulus.
“So? What are your thoughts?” Alphard asked, after Regulus had taken a sip.
“C’est bon,” Regulus replied. “Aux notes de vanille, de caramel et… de caramel au beurre.”
Alphard lit up with another effusive grin. “Ah, wonderful! You have the Black palate! Very discerning. Sit, boys, sit,” Alphard invited, and Regulus forced himself to comply even while every single instinct was telling him to run. Alphard’s posture shifted, and there was no doubting that if Regulus wasn’t very fast, his uncle would be more than capable of causing him severe injury, especially as his hand automatically rested right next to his knife.
Sirius, though, looked entirely relaxed and even happy, so Regulus forced himself to somewhat relax, as best he could. His posture was still unmistakably perfect, with every ounce of his schooling represented fully.
“So, Regulus, are you enjoying England so far? Have your living accommodations met your expectations? I imagine they must be quite high. I’ve seen your father’s apartment, and of course La Maison .”
“Living with Sirius is far superior to either,” Regulus dismissed immediately. “England is…” Regulus hesitated, for a moment far too long for his liking. “I enjoy England, je pense.”
“And the food? Have you been eating well? Sirius tells me you are a vegetarian. That must be difficult to maintain with your training schedule.”
“There is much protein powder and egg whites involved,” Regulus replied, with another small, weak smile. “I do not have complaints, however.”
“I must admit, it was rather difficult to plan a full meal for you,” Alphard said.
“Je suis prof–”
“That needs no apology,” Alphard cut him off, and Regulus automatically caught his tongue between his teeth to keep himself perfectly silent. “It was a challenge , but my chef, Adrien, rose to meet it, I hope. Drink your apéritifs, boys, we will have many courses tonight.”
Sirius grinned, the expression genuinely happy. “Thank you, Uncle Al, for having us.”
“Ah, it’s my pleasure truly! Thank you both for coming!” Alphard replied, with a beaming smile. The instant they had finished their apéritifs, there was a flurry of activity as the butler started serving what Regulus could only presume was l’entrée. “Vegetarian soupe à l’oignon. Can you tell me what it’s been paired with, Regulus?” Alphard asked, when they had all been given glasses of red wine. Regulus froze for a heartbeat, before he forced himself to pick up the glass, swirling the wine for a long moment before he smelled it, inhaling deeply, with his nose almost entirely in the glass. After a moment, he held it to the light to examine it, and finally he tasted it, carefully sucking in air to aerate it more fully.
He carefully compiled his tasting notes mentally, before taking a second sip to determine if they held true, before he answered. “C’est un Beaujolais. Peut-être un Cru Beaujolais. Of the Gamay grape, bien entendu,” Regulus answered, and Alphard looked outright delighted.
“Very good, that’s very good! Wilfred, the bottle, please,” Alphard requested, and his butler immediately returned with the bottle, so that Regulus could see that he had been precisely right.
“You needn’t make him perform, Uncle,” Sirius commented, gently, and Alphard hesitated.
“I apologize. I was merely interested. I promise not to continue to ask,” Alphard said, after his hesitation passed. He seemed entirely genuine in his apology.
“C'est bon,” Regulus replied, and he entirely failed to hide his discomfort.
“But, let us not dally, our soup awaits!” Alphard declared, before digging into his food with a gusto that was eerily reminiscent of Orion. Regulus had to force himself to join in the meal with anything remotely resembling an appetite.
The next course should have been fish, if Alphard was indeed sticking to the traditional seven-course meal. But, for reasons Regulus could not comprehend, his preferences were being accommodated, and instead it was a light, cauliflower based dish.
Regulus couldn’t imagine what one could possibly serve as le plat principale in a vegetarian meal. What they were served looked very much like bœuf à la Bourguignonne.
“Chef Adrien assures me that despite its appearance, this contains no meat, but rather many types of mushrooms,” Alphard said, cheerfully.
Regulus took a breath that was just a little bit too deep, because he had absolutely no idea what to do with how happy his uncle seemed to be to accommodate what he’d always been told was a flaw. “Merci,” He murmured, quietly.
“It is my pleasure! Truly,” Alphard assured. Regulus forced another smile.
They made it through la salade and le fromage without issue, by which time Regulus was starting to feel the effect of the alcohol he’d consumed so far. If he’d thought he’d been on edge while sober, it had nothing on edging into the territory of even just slightly intoxicated.
During dessert, though, everything became substantially more difficult, because Alphard seemed substantially less capable of holding his alcohol than Regulus had anticipated. Like all of the Black family, Alphard was naturally curious; unlike most of them, it seemed he could not hold his tongue.
“Now. Regulus, you must tell me, how did you get Orion to agree to go through the entire affair of legal emancipation?” Alphard asked, and Regulus froze again. This time, not even his perfect posture could keep him from looking tense. “Was it one of his affairs? The gambling? No, no, he’s far too French for any of that to matter,” Alphard trailed off, looking pensive. “I imagine he had some rather illicit dealings. Drugs, perhaps? He always did complain that alcohol was insufficient. Of course, since he and Burgie decided they needed to be in separate countries, that may have all changed,” Alphard was rambling, now, lost in his thoughts. Regulus had never loathed a tie more, because he already felt as though he couldn’t breathe, and the tie around his throat wasn’t helping. It took all of his years of perfect posture to keep from trying to loosen it.
“Reg, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Sirius assured, quietly, and Alphard nodded.
“Of course, of course, it just so goes against the Orion that I grew up with, to go through any media spectacle like that,” Alphard’s nodding looked almost as though he were some sort of bobble-head. Even the absurdity of the concept couldn’t suppress Regulus’ growing discomfort and panic. “Then again, just the fact that he and Burgie even fell in love and publicly courted and married to start with should have been far more of a media scandal than it was, so perhaps I’m overestimating his caution regarding the press.”
“Uncle Al,” Sirius said, gently, with genuine affection. In a show of great disrespect, his brother even rolled his eyes. Regulus couldn’t draw a full breath, but he’d at least had practice at keeping that issue almost silent.
“I’m merely curious, never you mind,” Alphard dismissed, though his posture shifted ever so slightly, to automatically be more commanding. Regulus had to work not to shrink back as his resemblance to Orion only grew. “So. Probably not his choice of bedmates, almost definitely not his choice of past times,” Alphard returned to his earlier thread of thought. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he had more criminal than legal dealings, truly. He always intended to, when we were in our youth.”
“I don’t think Regulus wants to talk about this,” Sirius said, but it was softer, trying to be gentle and kind, and Alphard only grew firmer.
“Nonsense, Sirius,” Alphard asserted, his hand coming down firmly on the table, an emphatic bang that felt as though someone had struck Regulus. “It’s just us, if he can’t speak of it with us , he’ll never speak of it, and that’s unacceptable!” Despite the fact that there was only firmness, and no anger, in Alphard’s voice, the resemblance was far, far too much for Regulus.
There was absolutely nothing in the world that could have prevented Regulus from fleeing. His chair scraped loudly on the floor, but he didn’t let it deter him as he headed swiftly for the toilet he’d spotted as they’d walked past the hallway. He firmly shut the door, even though that made far too much noise too, and locked it behind him. He turned on the tap, solely to try and cover up the fact that he was absolutely incapable of keeping himself perfectly quiet.
After a moment, he loosened his tie and unbuttoned his collar, to try and reduce the sensation that he couldn’t breathe, but it didn’t help even slightly. Disregarding the fact that he was currently in a very expensive suit that deserved to be treated nicely, Regulus dropped to the floor like a stone, before putting his head between his knees and willing himself not to entirely fall apart.
To say he was unsuccessful would be an egregious understatement.
He had absolutely no concept of how long he spent, caught somewhere between ragged breathing and sobbing, before someone knocked on the door. Regulus startled so badly that his head cracked against the sink basin, though it thankfully only gave him a small bump and did no damage to the sink.
“Reg? Laisse moi entrer?” Sirius asked, and Regulus gave a broken, painful sob in response. “Lapinou, s'il te plaît, I can hear you.”
Regulus covered his mouth with both hands, but that undid any progress he’d made towards feeling like he could breathe.
“Bunny, please, come on,” Sirius begged. “Don’t make me pick the lock, it’ll take forever and you’ll make fun of me later.”
Regulus couldn’t move even if he wanted to, frozen with his hands over his mouth, tears rolling down his cheeks, and an intense, overwhelming sense that he not only couldn’t breathe, but that he was being bad . After a moment, his brother heaved a sigh, and his footsteps echoed sharply as he left. A few seconds later, however, he returned and there was the familiar scraping of something in the lock. It took Sirius nearly ten minutes to successfully get the lock to open, and he slipped in the door, immediately closing it behind him.
“Oh, Reg, c’mon,” Sirius murmured, kneeling down in front of Regulus with a look of immense concern. “C’mere, don’t cover your mouth, sweetheart, it’s okay, you’re allowed to make noise,” Sirius’ voice was a soft murmur as he gently tugged Regulus’ hands away from his mouth. Regulus gave a ragged sob, immediately. “That’s okay, you’re okay,” Sirius promised. “Can you breathe with me, Reg?” Sirius asked, gently.
“Non, non, s'il te plaît,” Regulus wasn’t even sure what he was protesting, anymore, but the plea visibly pained Sirius to hear. “S'il te plaît, ne me fais pas dire.”
“I’m not going to make you say, Reg, I promise,” Sirius replied. “Uncle Al won’t, either.”
Regulus’ sobbing escalated into something frantic and fearful at the mention of their uncle.
“Okay, okay,” Sirius soothed. “Can I hug you? Will that make this worse?”
“J’sais pas,” Regulus managed.
“Fuck, okay,” Sirius’ hands were shaking where they were still holding Regulus’. “Okay, okay. He looks too much like Father, doesn’t he? That’s what this is about?”
Regulus keened. Sirius tugged him into a tight hug, but it only made it harder to breathe to have someone touching him with such concern. “Fuck, Reg, I don’t know how to help right now,” Sirius admitted, and Regulus gave a gutted sound that only seemed to make his brother worry more. After a moment, Regulus struggled out of the embrace, his hands going to his hair to tug on it as he rocked slightly to try and suppress his panic.
“Fuck,” Sirius sounded incredibly upset, and it only made Regulus rock faster. “Okay, okay, okay.” Despite the repetition of the word, Regulus highly doubted either of them felt like this was actually okay. “I need you to talk to me, Reg. Please.”
“J’peux pas,” Regulus managed. When he finally managed to lift his head, his brother looked outright scared.
“Okay,” Sirius finally said, again, and this time it sounded more like he meant it. “That’s okay. This is okay. You just feel what you gotta feel, bunny,” Sirius said, and Regulus dropped his head, to add the most tension on his hair as he could, as he went back to ragged sobbing.
By the time he finally wore himself out, Sirius had also calmed down, looking far more tired and far less scared than he had before. “Better?” Sirius asked.
“J’sais pas,” Regulus replied, honestly, and Sirius nodded.
“Fair enough, I suppose,” Sirius smiled. “Come on, let’s wash your face. Sit on the toilet, bunny,” Sirius instructed, and with shaking limbs, Regulus forced himself to comply. Every centimeter of his body was trembling, and when Sirius brought a damp cloth towards his face, he flinched dramatically away from it.
“Sorry,” he whispered immediately.
“It’s okay,” Sirius assured, with an immensely pained smile. He gently wiped Regulus’ face, and then dried it. “Okay. Do you want to see Uncle Al again?”
“J’sais pas,” Regulus repeated.
“Okay,” Sirius spent so long thinking that Regulus nearly forgot how to breathe again. “I think you should tell him, what happened after you were… diagnosed. You don’t have to say anything about the diagnosis, but I think he should know that Orion… put you in hospital.”
Regulus’ breath caught painfully.
“Can you tell him?” Regulus finally asked, and Sirius nodded.
“Is that… alright?”
“Ouais, c’est… pas mal?”
“I’ll take it,” Sirius nodded, but his smile was incredibly weak. “Come on, bunny,” Sirius coaxed, holding out his hand. It took all of Regulus' effort to take the hand and stand up.
Alphard was wearing an expression that Regulus had never seen on either of his parents before. He looked worried .
“So. Reg’s okay with me telling you some things, but uh, not with saying them himself, okay?” Sirius said.
“Of course,” Alphard nodded enthusiastically, and Regulus was once again reminded of a bobble-head.
“Orion…” Sirius hesitated. “So. Um. You know how Walburga was… well. Violent?” Alphard nodded again. “The thing is. I don’t even know everything, but on at least one occasion, Orion beat Regulus so badly that he had to be hospitalized. For almost a week . For a while, they weren’t sure Reg would walk again, let alone be able to skate. And Reg… says that’s not the worst it ever was, just that that particular event was memorable.”
Alphard was pale, and horrified, and the worst of all was the lurking pity that Regulus could see in his eyes.
“I have had good days, and bad days, and very bad days. And those were merely bad days,” Regulus whispered, echoing what he’d told Perenelle earlier.
Alphard’s pity grew. “I see.”
“So uh. It’s gonna take some time, on the whole… family resemblance,” Sirius added, and Alphard nodded immediately.
“Of course, I understand entirely,” Alphard replied immediately. “Before you leave, Regulus, I have for you un petit cadeau,” Alphard said. “I hope you’ll enjoy it.”
Regulus could only stare with unconcealed worry, before his uncle produced a very familiar violin case, one which Regulus had been certain he’d never see again.
“How did you–?” Regulus couldn’t even finish the question, awe in his expression as he opened the case to find his violin, which had been sold to finance his transition after his emancipation.
“It was easy, once I’d known you’d sold it. Just a matter of finding the correct auction house. It was my pleasure,” Alphard’s expression had shifted to a broad grin.
Regulus’ eyes stung with tears for an entirely different reason. “Merci beaucoup, oncle. Vraiment, merci beaucoup.”
“Truly, it’s my pleasure. Thank you for your company this evening,” Alphard seemed to mean it genuinely, so Regulus forced a smile.
“Thank you for your kindness,” Regulus replied, softly, before he couldn’t look at his uncle any longer, and even though it was rude, he snapped his violin’s case shut and immediately left the house.
His brother was a full minute behind him, and in the time it took between each of them leaving, Regulus had already nearly headed back to being in total collapse. The memory of the pity in Alphard’s face made him physically nauseous.
“Alright, bunny, let’s go home,” Sirius’ voice was gentle but Regulus still flinched. Sirius either didn’t notice or pretended not to notice, for which Regulus was very grateful as they both got into the car, Regulus’ violin lovingly set in the backseat. “Okay?”
“No,” Regulus admitted. After a moment, he dropped his head into his hands again.
“We’ll just get home, then,” Sirius murmured. Regulus didn’t reply, and merely stayed where he was for the entire drive. Sirius waited a full five minutes after the car was parked to prompt Regulus into moving again.
Regulus immediately headed for his bedroom, shut the door and stripped so that he could get dressed in pajamas and a hoodie instead of the suit. After a long moment, he traded the hoodie for a long-sleeved shirt with a wider neckline, just in case the feeling of not being able to breathe returned.
“Oh, hey,” Sirius looked genuinely surprised when Regulus rejoined him. Sirius had merely shed his jacket and tie, and rolled up his sleeves. “How’re you doing, bunny?”
“I dunno,” Regulus admitted. “I… feel like shit,” He admitted, before allowing himself to properly slouch as he sat down on the sofa. After a long moment, Sirius joined him. His brother looked terribly concerned.
“Can you elaborate on that, bunny?”
“I–mentally, physically, I am just…” Regulus trailed off, before exhaling sharply.
“Tonight was a lot,” Sirius offered, hesitantly.
“Today was a lot,” Regulus corrected, tilting his head back. “I am glad we had the conversations we did, but it was… a lot. And I am–” Regulus cut off, and bit his lip.
“What, Reg?” Sirius prompted.
“I feel like this is… temporary,” Regulus admitted. “I know you would not–that it is not conditional, to you, but I am so afraid that it will be.”
“Oh, Reg. Never, I promise. No matter what,” Sirius assured him, reaching out to link their hands. “My love for you isn’t conditional, and neither is your place in my life.”
“There is so much,” Regulus whispered. “So much that I do not know how to say or talk about, and I just… hope, that that is true.”
“Nothing you could tell me would change it. Not even if you’d killed someone in cold blood.”
“Well, I have not done that, anyway,” Regulus managed a weak smile. “I am merely being overly dramatic. C’est tout.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Sirius replied. “I think you probably have your reasons for being afraid.”
“One day, I will tell you. But I am… not ready,” Regulus murmured.
“And that’s fine,” Sirius assured. “Although, bunny, I am going to get you the information for getting in to talk to someone about your mental health. That’s two panic attacks, now.”
“They have a name? Like, truly?” Regulus asked, and Sirius’ expression shifted to pain, before he visibly put on a smile.
“Yeah, bud, they have a name. It’s… really common, after trauma. And I–well, I need to talk to someone too, to know what to do to help you when you have one, because right now, I just… I don’t know how to help, but I want to,” Sirius was so earnest that Regulus was immediately on the verge of tears again.
“They happen often,” Regulus admitted. “Less, now, than with father or at La Maison, but…”
“Oh, Reg,” Sirius looked heartbroken, and a little bit like he was pitying.
“No. No, do not–do not pity me,” Regulus demanded immediately.
“I’m–” Sirius looked taken aback, before he gave Regulus another weak smile. “Fair enough. I hate getting pity too. I promise I’ll try not to think of you with anything approaching pity, Reg. Okay?”
“...Okay,” Regulus agreed, after a long moment considering his brother. “I am sorry. For… for snapping, just now, and for… not being able to remember where I was, earlier.”
“No, Reg, that–that’s literally trauma. That’s what trauma does,” Sirius replied, and it was still just as weak. “We’ll get you in to talk to someone, they’ll know how to explain it better than I ever could.”
“Okay,” Regulus agreed again. “I… am going to bed. It is late, and I have training. I… love you,” there was an immense vulnerability behind the words, but his brother seemed to feel it just as much as Regulus did.
“I love you too, bunny. So much,” Sirius murmured. “I hope you sleep well. Just… tomorrow, if you aren’t feeling like a party, you just have to say the word, okay? We’ll stay in together.”
The party had entirely slipped Regulus’ mind, and he froze as he processed it. “Non, a party will be… I think it will be good,” Regulus decided.
“Okay,” Sirius murmured, with a smile that looked genuine enough. “Sweet dreams.”
“Dors avec les anges, Sirius,” Regulus replied, leaning in to kiss his brother’s cheek before heading for bed and forcing himself to try and relax enough to sleep.
Notes:
The song Evan sent Reg is La Mort avec Toi by Gargäntua (Spotify link)
There was a lot of crying in this chapter, and uh. That’s just the start :| RIP, I cannot, apparently, do just fluff.
If you want MORE angst, I’ve started posting Wild World’s prequel! It will be slow to post as it is also still in-progress, but I needed to start getting it out there <3 it can be found here.
Chapter 6: Changement de Carre
Notes:
Hi, so. Uh. Hefty trigger warning for past suicide attempt being discussed, hinted possible suicidal thoughts, and mentioned self harm scars. This chapter is the start of an exploration of a lot of mental health stuff that is, in my experience, shockingly common in competitive figure skating. Check the tags, which I think should now be pretty accurate (unless I learn something else was actually not normal, which might happen!)
Huge thanks to Moormage14, my brilliant beta, for editing, pointing out when I left out translations of French, and without whom I 100% would have been consumed by my feelings. I think we were still consumed by our feelings, but like... together ^_^
Changement de Carre: Change of Edge
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus nearly ignored his alarm and overslept training. He was lethargic and off the entire morning, but Perenelle seemed to know that he needed to just keep pushing, rather than trying to talk anything through. By the time they finished for the morning, he’d somewhat managed to pull himself out of his funk through sheer force of will.
He ate lunch with Perenelle, after sending a text to his brother that they’d be going longer that day. After lunch, she just put him through his paces on the treadmill, until he couldn’t keep pace. That helped more than anything else had, to just push to his absolute limits. Perenelle bought him tea and a scone with clotted cream afterwards, and he was too relieved to feel something approaching level to even consider refusing it. While they had the arena booked for several hours the next day, Perenelle offered to let Regulus just skate alone for a break, and he’d accepted the gift immediately and with gratitude.
When he got home, Sirius wasn’t in. The scribbled note left on the counter indicated his brother had run to the shops, so Regulus wasn’t at all concerned as he showered and got ready for an evening out. It took him a long time to settle on an outfit, mostly because he wanted to balance offending his brother with not being entirely inappropriate.
In the end, he was edging into inappropriate, between a heavily distressed pair of skinny jeans that showed more skin than they concealed and an equally heavily distressed and cropped tank top that had once been a perfectly normal My Chemical Romance t-shirt. He contemplated accessories for a long moment, but in the end merely decided to go with his normal rings and a pair of stud earrings in tiny facsimiles of daggers.
Regulus truly didn’t expect Sirius to give him more than an eye roll, after the initial impact of Regulus in something other than his usually conservative clothes that he wore for training.
“Oh, holy fuck, you’re barely dressed,” Sirius muttered upon seeing him, but after a once over, instead of the eye roll or comments about Regulus’ muscles that he had anticipated, Sirius’ eyes widened in undisguised horror. “Reg,” Sirius whispered, and there was absolutely no mistaking how absolutely heartbroken his brother was.
“What?” Regulus was truly and utterly confused as to what could’ve put that expression on his brother’s face, until Sirius reached for his hands, turning Regulus’ arms so that his inner arms were both face up. “Oh. Those.”
“Reg,” Sirius repeated, as he looked at the deep, still pink scars. “This… this isn’t ‘not bad’, bunny,” Sirius whispered. “You needed stitches .”
“I lived,” Regulus replied, with clear discomfort.
“I–” Sirius didn’t seem to know how to respond, especially as his eyes flickered over Regulus’ body, and spotted the scars peeking through his ripped jeans, too. “Jesus, Reg.”
The discomfort was very nearly swelling into panic, but Sirius didn’t look angry, he just looked sad .
“How long has this… how long have you been doing this?” Sirius asked.
“Since I was eight or nine?” Regulus replied, after a brief pause. “It only escalated… right before I… started to blackmail our Father. I… the attempt… was the day he initially refused to help with my emancipation. I had to be… careful, before, with skating. I could not… I was limited, in where I could…” Regulus trailed off, unable to actually put into words exactly what he did to himself.
“While I was still with you?” Sirius whispered, his horror only growing. “Reg, why?”
“Because it helps, sometimes. Or… because sometimes it is all I can do,” Regulus pulled his wrists away. “I am not… Do not…” Regulus cut himself off, frowning at his brother. “It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong.”
“I–” Sirius was visibly off kilter, now. “I should’ve known.”
“How? How would you have known, Sirius? I was actively hiding it,” Regulus replied, a little more sharply than he intended to.
“I don’t know,” Sirius admitted, but it was in an unfamiliar, small voice that immediately felt wrong to hear from his brother. “Have you… since you’ve been here?”
“No,” Regulus replied, after a long moment considering his options. “I have been… things have been… going well, here. Perenelle is not like a trainer that I have ever had before. She does not make me feel as though I–” Regulus cut off, and averted his eyes, because Sirius looked far too earnest and heartbroken to continue focusing on.
“What, bunny?”
“She does not make me feel as though I need to be punished,” Regulus admitted.
“Oh,” Sirius managed, and when Regulus finally forced himself to look at his brother, Sirius’ tears had started spilling down his cheeks.
“Surely you have thought about it,” Regulus said, weakly.
“No. Not–not with any amount of seriousness,” Sirius replied. “Never with any amount of seriousness, not even when I thought I’d never manage to run away or get out of our Mother’s house alive.”
“Oh,” Regulus winced, slightly. “I am sorry. I thought… I thought our conversation, when I arrived, would be enough. I can… I can change.” The shame that curled in the pit of his stomach at the mere idea of changing to hide his scars was unfamiliar, and he loathed it immediately.
“No. No, don’t–if you’re–I want you to dress how you want to dress, Reg. I’m sorry. It caught me off guard, and I don’t–I don’t know what I’m doing, like, easily 95% of the time. You’re fine. You look… well. Barely dressed, but again, that’s up to you. Your body, and everything, so you should… dress how you want.”
“Are you… sure? I want you to be mildly uncomfortable because I make your friends drool, not very uncomfortable because of my scars.”
“I should’ve never made that comment about Prongs,” Sirius sighed, with exasperation. “But no, Reg, I’m sure. You dress however makes you happiest, okay? I’ll keep my reactions to myself a little more, because it’s–it should be something you talk about when you’re ready, nevermind that you’re basically an adult. I’m sorry for just grabbing you like that, actually. That was. Almost definitely inappropriate of me, and I’m sorry.”
Regulus’ discomfort grew, briefly, before he realized that his brother actually meant the apology. “Thank you,” Regulus murmured. “We can… we can talk about it, at some point. It is not a secret, now. But maybe… not today. I am still… tired, from yesterday. Perenelle has given me the training period off tomorrow, so I can just skate for fun. If you… if you are free, tomorrow morning, I would like it if you came with me.”
Sirius smiled, and it looked genuine. “I’d like that. What time?”
“I have the ice to myself from seven until nine,” Regulus replied.
“Not even ungodly early! Awesome!” Sirius’ enthusiasm was a little bit forced, but not too terribly. Regulus forced himself to return the smile.
“Perhaps you can even bring your figure skates,” Regulus teased.
“Oh, well, we’ll see,” Sirius made a face. “I really think we’re better off with me not doing that, though.”
“Il n’y a qu’une seule façon de savoir.”
“...Yeah, okay, that’s fair. Only one way to know. Or we could just… not know. I’d be okay with not knowing for sure,” Sirius replied, and his grin was large enough that Regulus’ smile stopped feeling forced.
“I have a very important question,” Regulus said after a moment.
“What’s that?”
“Is eyeliner and glitter likely to overwhelm James?”
“I thought you weren’t seducing my best friend.”
“I am not! That is why I’m asking! I do not want to overwhelm him!”
Sirius looked skeptical for all of a half-second, before he laughed, much like he’d laughed when he first saw Barty and Regulus. It took almost a minute for him to say anything else. “Do whatever you want, kid. Prongs’ll live. Probably.”
Regulus brightened, and gave his brother a fleeting kiss to his cheek before he returned to his bedroom to play with makeup.
“And please wear a coat on our way!” Sirius called after him.
It took Regulus almost twenty minutes to decide he was satisfied with his eyeliner and eyeshadow.
Sirius’ official verdict was that Regulus’ leather jacket did not actually make him more suitable for polite company, especially when Sirius took in the carefully painted sentiment, “cracher dans la soupe”, calligraphed across the back of the jacket in contrasting white.
“Why not go with the English? It’s more badass to say ‘bite the hand that feeds’,” Sirius complained.
“Tu es un comique,” Regulus replied. “It is funnier in the French.”
“...Yeah, okay, that’s true,” Sirius granted. He watched as Regulus laced his boots. “Ready to go?”
“Mhmm!” Regulus practically chirped, looking bright and cheerful, in a drastic turn around from his earlier mood. “Party time!”
“I had no idea you liked parties, y’know. You don’t seem the type.”
“I like being the center of attention, of course I like parties,” Regulus dismissed.
“Do you? Like being the center of attention?”
“I assume, or I would not be a figure skater.”
Sirius merely hummed noncommittally in response.
Regulus’ cheer had dampened slightly as they reached Marlene and Dorcas’ flat, if only because he had no idea what to expect from Sirius’ friends. The instant they approached the door, Marlene flung it open enthusiastically. Regulus immediately pulled out his mobile to translate. “You’re here!”
“We’re here!” Sirius agreed, with a laugh. Marlene pulled him in for a hug before turning to Regulus. Her eyes widened immediately.
“You have a mode other than posh and well-bred?” Marlene demanded. Regulus waited patiently for it to translate.
“Mais oui,” Regulus replied, with no small amount of amusement. “Je préfère m'habiller comme ça.”
“He prefers to dress like this, apparently,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “It gets worse . We must protect the bisexuals of our group.”
“Ooh, I’m intrigued.”
“Je ne vais pas séduire tes amis, Sirius,” Regulus reported.
“I know you’re not going to seduce them . No bets that they’re not going to try and seduce you, though.”
When it had translated, Regulus outright laughed. The instant he was in the door, he shed his leather jacket.
“Oh, holy fuck. Nevermind the bisexuals ,” Marlene announced. “Regulus, I have a very weird, probably inappropriate question.”
“Ouais?”
“May I please touch your abs?”
Regulus laughed, but nodded his agreement.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” Marlene announced, when she finally withdrew her hand. “Also, why is it somehow both surprising and not even a little surprising you’re into them?” She asked, nodding at his shirt.
“J’sais pas,” Regulus replied, with a grin. “J’pense que j'ai l'air d'être fan,” Regulus added. Marlene laughed as he held up the translation. I think I look like a fan.
“Well, tonight you do. With your turtlenecks, though? Not even a little.”
“Ah, quelle tragédie!” Regulus exclaimed.
“Come on, my lovelies, let’s go to the party,” Marlene said, tucking Regulus’ hand into the crook of her arm and guiding him through to the living area where the rest of Sirius’ friends, most of whom he’d met, seemed to be gathered. Everyone stopped to stare at him, and James’ jaw actually dropped.
“Bonsoir,” Regulus greeted, with no small amount of amusement.
“Holy abs ,” Dorcas replied, seemingly involuntarily. “Sirius, you’re absolutely right, he could kick your ass. Hell, he could kick James’ ass.” Immediately, she covered her mouth, because Regulus was reading the translation of her words. “Oops.”
“Sirius! Je pourrais te botter le cul sans transpirer,” Regulus promised.
“Woah, okay, that language is unnecessary,” Sirius replied. “But also, assez juste.”
“You’d kick his ass without breaking a sweat?” James repeated, looking doubtful as he read the translation. Then, he very obviously looked Regulus over again, this time with far more thought and far less stunned-silence.
“I’m with Regulus on that one,” Remus admitted.
“Sorry, Pads, me too,” From the photographs he’d seen at Sirius’ flat, the second to agree with him was the fourth Marauder, Peter.
“I want to arm wrestle you before I decide if you could kick Sirius’ ass without breaking a sweat,” James declared.
“Boys,” Lily sighed, with clear exasperation.
“Allons-y,” Regulus invited, nodding back towards the kitchen island. “Sirius, comment dit-on?”
“Let’s go,” Sirius supplied, while practically bouncing on the balls of his feet.
“Let’s go, James,” Regulus invited, and James at least had the intelligence to slightly hesitate at how easily Regulus had accepted.
As they settled over the counter, James’ eyes briefly flicked to the scar on the arm Regulus held out, but unlike Sirius, his eyes didn’t linger and his expression didn’t change. When they made eye contact, though, James did look slightly flustered, especially when Regulus smiled at him. “Prêt?” Regulus asked, and James nodded.
“On three, boys,” Sirius declared, before slowly counting them off. The instant he hit three, Regulus put his entire strength behind his grip, and almost immediately slammed James’ hand flat on the counter, hard enough that it had to have hurt at least a little bit.
James, however, just looked at Regulus in pure, undisguised awe and, if Regulus wasn’t wrong, something very near adoration.
“Did you even try, Prongs?” Peter asked, and James nodded, looking dumbfounded.
“Sirius, you go!” Marlene requested, and Sirius laughed, but when he asked Regulus if he’d go again and Regulus merely shrugged, he took up James’ former position.
It took even less time for Regulus to beat his brother, though he was substantially gentler about it.
Marlene cheered . Remus immediately came over, but instead of the display of strength that his friends had attempted to engage in, held his hand up for Regulus to high-five, which earned laughter.
“They’ve been unbeaten since they took up hockey. It’s fifty-fifty between them,” Remus informed Regulus. “This is great for their egos.”
“Moony, you wound me,” Sirius protested.
“Oh, you’ll live,” Remus replied as he turned to Sirius, his expression softening into a warm smile.
“I don’t know. My little brother can totally kick my ass. I don’t know how to recover from that,” Sirius replied, sadly. “Kiss it better?” Sirius requested, and Remus laughed.
“Eugh,” Regulus declared, turning away from the effusive display of affection.
“Don’t ‘eugh’ me, Regulus, I put up with you being disgusting,” Sirius replied.
“What does that mean?” James asked, looking immensely curious.
Regulus froze, before very deliberately forcing himself to relax. “Vous devriez vraiment tous me chercher sur Google. Cela fait gagner du temps,” Regulus replied.
“Stop telling people to google you, it sounds like you’re actually famous,” Sirius complained.
“Mais, cela fait gagner du temps,” Regulus complained in return. “Et je suis célèbre.”
“He says to google him because it saves time,” Sirius reported. “And that he is famous, but like, that’s only within specific circles and the paparazzi is only mild, so I don’t think it counts.”
Regulus frowned at his mobile when that addition was translated. “C’est toi qui traque les blogueurs qui me suivent,” Regulus informed his brother.
“I do not stalk your blogger-fans, that is an inaccurate portrayal of–”
“Oh that is… a lot of PDA,” Marlene interrupted, and immediately everyone crowded around her mobile to watch a compilation of videos of Regulus and Evan.
“Wait, who is this–oh,” James took a moment to process the videos, but to his credit, once he had, he kept the realization of Regulus’ transition to himself. When the video started including Barty, as well, Regulus was mildly delighted by just how much confusion the simple images managed to invoke in the group.
“So… who are they?” Dorcas asked, with a grin, and Regulus waited for it to translate, and then even longer, because he hadn’t actually thought this far ahead.
“Mes amis, Evan et Barty,” Regulus answered, and Sirius and Remus both heaved dramatic sighs. Remus was giving Regulus a look of immense disappointment. “Remus, tu es censé être mon ami.”
“He says you’re supposed to be his friend,” Sirius mumbled, while resting his forehead against Remus’ shoulder and looking the picture of exhaustion.
“And as your friend, I’m disappointed that that’s what you came up with. Want some help?” Remus replied, and once it translated, Regulus nodded enthusiastically. “Right, okay, this is as best I understand it from a very confusing, mostly translated evening with the three of them, and what Sirius has told me,” Remus started, and the entire group immediately focused on him very intently. “The blond is Evan. He’s Regulus’ former ice dancing partner, and Barty’s boyfriend. Barty’s the other one, and he is a former figure skater. The three of them met competing in different categories, and became friends. They are now all three committed partners, but Regulus is strictly platonic with both of them, just very fond of affection, both verbal and physical. They’re sickening together, truly, but it’s also really cute. How’d I do, Regulus?”
“Pas mal,” Regulus replied. “Meilleur que moi. J’suis légèrement offensé par l’adjectif ‘écœurant’.”
“Not bad, better than him, he’s slightly offended that you used sickening,” Sirius reported, and then he took a dramatic breath. “They’re not sickening, they’re outright hilarious. Well, no, Evan’s disgustingly sappy. He’s like… the worst at nicknames.”
“Il n’est pas le pire!” Regulus had to restrain his reaction for the time it took his app to translate, and it was difficult to wait.
“He calls you variations on ‘astre’, Reg, that’s… horrifying,” Sirius defended his position, and Regulus had never hated their prank more, as he was forced to wait again to react.
“Il est doux,” Regulus replied. “Et il le fait seulement parce qu’il sait que ça me fait me sentir aimé." He’s sweet. And he only does it because he knows it makes me feel loved.
Sirius stopped, at that response, his expression going through several emotions before settling on something in the realm of ‘sad’ even as he smiled.
“J’suis content qu’il te fasse sentir aimé, tu le mérites," Sirus replied, after a long moment. I’m glad he makes you feel loved, you deserve that.
“Alors, s’il te plait, ne te moques pas de lui,” Regulus requested, softly, and Sirius nodded immediately. So, please, don’t make fun of him.
“J’suis désolé, Reg,” Sirius replied immediately. “I was teasing, I didn’t mean it.” Regulus waited for it to translate, before nodding.
“Merci.”
“Not to interrupt but uh,” Marlene started, holding up her mobile. “This is straight up insane. We’ve all seen Mary do her ice dance with a partner, but like…” Marlene trailed off and Regulus’ interest was piqued enough to turn away from his brother to see what Marlene was talking about. Regulus immediately laughed.
“Ouais, ‘the Sound of Silence’,” Regulus commented, with a broad grin. “Notre finale. Nous savions que c'était notre dernière compétition ensemble. On a pris des risques, ça a payé."
“Their finale. They knew it was going to be their last competition together, so they took risks, and it paid off.”
“It’s fucking incredible,” Marlene informed him enthusiastically.
“This is a whole new level, compared to what I do,” Mary added, but it was with a bright, beaming smile.
“Literally,” Sirius replied for Regulus. “World champions, those two.”
“Do you miss it? Pairing with him like that,” Mary asked, looking at Regulus with such earnestness and compassion that he couldn’t maintain eye contact. Thankfully, he had to look to his mobile for the translation.
“Oui,” Regulus answered. “Ca me manque de tout mon cœur, mais je n’arrêterais pas d’être moi pour continuer à le faire.” I miss it with all of my heart, but I wouldn’t stop being me to keep doing it.
Mary smiled. “That makes sense. Well… if you change your mind, and decide you want to do it from the other side, at a lower level… I would absolutely kill for a new partner, right now. He’s dropped me every single time. I’m not convinced he’s actually trying, at this point.”
Regulus winced. “Et il n’y a personne d’autre?” and there’s no one else?
“Apparently not. I’ve asked, begged, really. But Severus is–he’s good. Just… on his own .”
“J'entends que j'ai concouru contre lui, cet été,” Regulus said.
“Reg says he heard he competed against him this summer,” Sirius translated, as most mobiles were still on videos of Regulus and Evan.
“Yes, you did, you beat him by a substantial amount,” Mary laughed. “You were using quads in combination with other quads. Of course you beat him.”
Every single ounce of Regulus’ education and training had to be employed to keep him from flushing before the sentiment translated. “J'suis pas... spécial,” Regulus demurred.
“Reg, that’s a fucking lie,” Sirius replied.
“And we all understood that one, I think. And staunchly disagree,” James added.
“I–” Regulus was suddenly confronted by the fact that all of Sirius’ friends were nodding in agreement.
“You’re very special. And skilled. And talented,” Mary replied. “You’re literally going to land the first quad axel in competition. That’s insane. That’s–truly insane. But even without your skating skill, you just picked up and moved to another country, while still meeting all of the ISU’s absurd deadlines. On your own! You didn’t have a coach or anyone helping you!”
He was stunned into stillness as he waited for the translation, but reading the words only made the emotional impact stronger. Regulus blinked rapidly at his sudden onslaught of emotions.
“J’suppose,” Regulus finally managed.
“Don’t just suppose, Reg,” Sirius murmured. “Tu es très spécial.”
“Mary… tu m’as googlé avant ce soir?” Regulus asked, mostly to distract from his intense emotions.
“He wants to know if you googled him before tonight,” Sirius reported, with an eye roll. Mary laughed.
“Of course I did! I wanted to see your competitions, after Severus… ranted about them, and you showed me your quad axel. You’re my knight in shining armor! I couldn’t very well know next to nothing about you,” Mary replied, and when it translated, Regulus’ laughter was entirely genuine. “I agree with you, though, you’re definitely famous, it’s just taking a bit for the whole… shift to occur.”
“Merci,” Regulus went with, after a brief hesitation. “Après cet hiver, même Sirius ne doutera plus de ma célébrité.” After this winter, not even Sirius will doubt my fame.
Mary laughed, while Sirius rolled his eyes again.
“No, that’s so fair! You’re going to do something some people have claimed is impossible! You’re going to make the record books!” Mary was almost cheering.
“What are we talking about?” Dorcas interrupted, and when it translated, Regulus couldn’t help but sigh.
“Quelque chose que je voulais garder secret,” Regulus admitted.
“Sorry,” Mary apologized immediately.
“Non, non je me l'ai fait,” Regulus assured. “Il y a un saut que personne n'a jamais réussi en compétition. J’suis tout à fait capable de le faire et je prévois de l'utiliser lors de la prochaine compétition à laquelle je participerai.”
“He says it’s his fault. There’s a jump that no one has landed in competition, and he’s more than capable of doing it. So, he’s using it in the next competition he participates in,” Sirius reported, because Regulus had spoken too quickly for the translation software to pick up.
“Show them the video!” Mary requested immediately, and after a moment, Regulus pulled up the video in question. He tried not to tense up as everyone crowded around to see it.
“It… looks very fast but honestly I still can’t tell how it’s different from any other jump,” James admitted.
“It has 4.5 revolutions in the air!” Mary replied, with undisguised awe. “It’s an edge jump, so instead of using the toepick, you have to jump into the air with bent knees. Axels are distinctive, because they’re the only jump you enter into face-forward. But because of how you enter and how you land, it automatically has a half rotation more in the air than any other jump. So, a triple axel has 3.5 rotations, while a triple loop has just 3. That means a quadruple axel is 4.5 rotations in the air,” Mary explained, and Regulus followed along on his phone.
“That sounds… terrifying, honestly,” James admitted. “I don’t think I’d like spinning that much.”
“Especially not when you have to land on one foot and do it gracefully. I max out at triples,” Mary replied.
Regulus waited for it to translate before he replied. “Même les triples sont intenses.”
“Yeah, triples are intense, you didn’t hit triples in competition until after you were fifteen,” Sirius agreed. “But you immediately headed onto quads within months .”
Regulus froze, watching the translation confirm what he’d heard, before he looked at his brother in undisguised shock.
Sirius stared back at him, slow on the recognition, but the instant he processed his own words, he cringed.
“Tu m’as suivi alors?” Regulus asked, and his voice was the barest of whispers. Sirius nodded. “Pourquoi as-tu arrêté?” You followed me then? Why did you stop?
“Let’s… go chat outside for a sec, Reg,” Sirius said, after a long moment. Regulus was too shaken to protest it. The instant they were outside on the balcony, the door firmly closed behind them, Sirius reached out to wrap an arm around Regulus’ shoulders. “I’m sorry. That I did stop following, right when things got, well, more important.”
“I–” Regulus started, and broke off immediately. “I do not understand. Why you would stop ?”
“It–” Sirius swallowed, hard, and averted his eyes. “I couldn’t keep watching, not when I couldn’t–I couldn’t be there. And I missed it. I missed… I missed skating with you. I love hockey, and I didn’t–I never knew what to do with it, watching you succeed, and not being there, after all those years training together. And I hit a point where it just… it felt like a failure. Like I’d given up on it. On… on our dreams,” Sirius’ voice was choked with tears, and Regulus turned so that he could wrap both arms around his brother’s waist.
“You were only small, Sirius. You did not have a choice,” Regulus whispered.
“I know,” Sirius confirmed, and his voice cracked. “I know I didn’t. I know neither of us did. But it still… It still felt like my failure. And I–every time I saw you… Every time I studied your videos to see what you’d learned… without me… I just… missed you so damn much, Reg. I missed you so fucking much, and it was eating me alive. And I never… it was never like I was trying to forget you, or anything like that, but I couldn’t… I watched you do the juniors, and I–I had to stop. Because it felt so wrong that I wasn’t at least in the stands cheering you on. And it’s–I fucking hate myself for it, because I could’ve come, when you switched to the UK. I could’ve! But I had my head in the fucking sand out of–out of self-pity,” Sirius’ tone was full of unfamiliar self-hatred, and Regulus didn’t have half a clue what to do with it.
“I missed you too,” Regulus finally whispered. “I loved competing with Evan. I would love to do it, still. But I never… it was never like being your partner. Evan is good, and he is good at predicting me, and I him, but he and I never had the same nonverbal… exchanges you and I had. We are very good and we communicate well, but you and I… we are even better. Maybe not technically, now, but in the experience, it is unmatched. That is… that is why I want to skate with you, again.”
“And I… I think I’m afraid to, in case… in case we’ve lost that, because we spent too long apart,” Sirius admitted. Regulus’ grip on him tightened.
“We will not have,” Regulus murmured. “Because we did not learn that. That existed before either of us stepped onto the ice, Sirius. That exists, and is the only way we have so far avoided major miscommunication despite several near-miscommunications,” Regulus declared, and Sirius sighed, before pressing a kiss to Regulus’ hair.
“Maybe,” Sirius finally granted. “I–I feel like I’m struggling to read you, though, and that’s… new.”
“No,” Regulus corrected, immediately. “I am merely experiencing more emotions at once than I usually do, which leads to mixed signals.”
“...Maybe,” Sirius repeated. “I am sorry, Reg. That I didn’t see you compete. That I missed that. That I… I wasn’t there, when you probably really needed someone to be there.”
“And I am sorry that I did not tell you. I did not reach out, either. I did not invite you to see me compete, so far this season, because I was afraid that I would… that I would fail. I could not bear to have you watch me fail.”
Sirius turned to hug him fully, his grip tight and almost painful. “You’re not going to fail, Reg. Even if you were to totally wipe out, you wouldn’t fail.”
“You and I seem to have differing definitions of ‘fail’,” Regulus replied. “If I ‘wipe out’, I definitely fail.”
“Nope. You’re not ever going to fail, Reg, because you’re always learning . Other people might say you failed, but as far as I can tell, there’s not a single damn thing in this world that you won’t eventually turn into a learning experience.”
Regulus was silent for a very long moment as he contemplated that thought process. “I do not know,” Regulus finally said. “I would say I very definitely failed my suicide attempt.”
The sound Sirius made was identical to the sound he’d made in their youth when their mother had struck him, as Regulus confirmed the origin of the scars on his forearms. “...Okay, I,” Sirius faltered. “I’m not ready to talk about that that casually, I’m sorry, Reg. I need that to be a serious discussion, not an offhand comment, right now.”
“...Okay,” Regulus agreed, softly, but it was full of insecurity.
“You dying is literally my worst nightmare. Number one fear. Cannot imagine anything worse than it, in fact,” Sirius offered.
“Oh,” Regulus was silent, almost painfully long, as he tried to think if he even had a worst fear. “I do not know… that I have a worst fear. But I also… do not have a best day. Do you think that’s important?”
“I haven’t the faintest idea, Reg,” Sirius replied. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, though.”
“...Perenelle says I will have a best day. I hope she is right. That sounds nice.”
Sirius physically startled, pulling back to look at Regulus intently. “You… have conversations like that with Perenelle?”
Regulus shrugged. “She is not like a coach I have had before. She does not berate me, she is very kind, and when I was struggling, she had me talk with her about how I was feeling, instead of yelling or worse. She just… looked as though she cared, and I told her more than I intended to, because she… listened.”
“Oh,” Sirius murmured, but after his initial surprise passed, he smiled. “That’s amazing, Reg. I’m… I’m so glad that it worked out like that for you, truly.”
“It is… odd, and I do not always know what to do with her genuine interest, but it is… I enjoy it. I have not cried while training even once. I did not know that was possible.”
Sirius’ grip on him tightened again, and his brother pressed so many kisses into his hair that Regulus couldn’t help but start laughing.
“Okay, okay, enough,” Regulus declared. “...we should return to the party. Are you okay? Are we okay?”
“Yeah, we’re okay,” Sirius confirmed. “And I’m… better than I was.”
“Good,” Regulus decided, stepping back from his brother’s embrace. “You did not do anything wrong in protecting yourself, Sirius. Not ever.”
“I–” Sirius’ eyes widened. “Reg, you can’t just… throw that out there. Fuck’s sake,” Sirius muttered, pressing his hand against his eyes.
“It is just the truth.”
“It might be, but that doesn’t make it easier to hear.”
“Then I will keep saying it, because it is a truth you need to remember,” Regulus replied, with a warm smile, and a quick kiss to his brother’s cheek. He left Sirius on the balcony, because his brother clearly needed at least another minute to compose himself.
Regulus took a moment to actually look at Sirius’ friends, all of whom were laughing and chatting, but mobiles were still out.
“Ils regardent toujours tes vidéos,” Lily informed him, as he approached her and James. He huffed softly. They’re watching your videos still.
“Je regrette de leur avoir dit de me chercher sur Google maintenant,” Regulus admitted. I regret telling them to Google me, now.
Lily laughed, but it was gentle and kind. “Je suis désolée,” Lily replied. Regulus shook his head.
“C’est bon,” he assured her, before moving so that he could actually watch the videos, too. It was disconcerting, to listen to Mary give her very enthusiastic commentary. Regulus knew, objectively, that both he and Evan were at a level that very few people ever achieved. But never, in all of his years of figure skating, had he ever heard another professional figure skater sound so kind, even when talking about someone they didn’t directly compete against.
When Sirius finally joined him, he could only come up with a single thought: “Elle est bien trop gentille pour continuer à concourir professionnellement. Ils la mangeront vivant.” To avoid anyone else hearing, he quickly whispered it in his brother’s ear, with wide-eyed horror. She’s way too nice to keep competing professionally. They’ll eat her alive.
Sirius winced, and patted Regulus’ shoulder. He leaned in to whisper back. "Maybe your bitchiness will turn out to be contagious.”
Regulus gave an offended huff, and staunchly refused to talk to his brother for the remainder of the party.
Sirius allowed the pettiness, until they were alone in the car together. “You know, the silent treatment just proves my point about your bitchiness.”
“And here I thought we had bonded,” Regulus complained, but he could only maintain it a mere heartbeat longer, before a grin took over his face, instead. “I do not have a defense, other than this is a… cutthroat sort of profession. It is necessary.”
“I know, kid. I didn’t mean it as a bad thing,” Sirius replied, and Regulus’ grin grew. “Hell, I think it’s why I’m even more competitive than the rest of the hockey team. Figure skating’s practically a fight to the death.”
“Vraiment!” Regulus huffed, but his agreement truly was heart-felt.
Notes:
The sound of silence skating referenced in fic!
So um. Mental health stuff. Only going to get more of a Thing, for a bit. It turns out that I cannot remove my good experiences from my less good experiences, and some stuff is gonna Come Up. Take care of yourselves ♥ ily all ♥
Chapter 7: Le Saut Périlleux Arrière
Notes:
Another hefty trigger warning for discussions of past suicide attempt, current suicidal thoughts, past abuse, mentions of possible substance abuse, mentions/illusions to an eating disorder
Shout out to my beta, Moormage14, or editing, and for teaching me that Not Everyone Uses French Pronunciation For Things. It is important to me that I clarify that Sirius pronounces “Reg” “Regg” but his R IS THE FRENCH R. Anyone else using “Reg” is using “Redge” because I have now heard it pronounced “Regg” without a French R and I strongly dislike it lol. I also, relatedly, learned that I literally use french Rs for most Rs, especially in names. Barty is also said with a french R for me. And Apparently Rosier is not likely to be said as ro·zyé by most of you? This is sad because it is literally the word for rose bush and I love making jokes about that. Anyway.
I did play around, and if you type it in google translate and press the speaker button, you can hear how Sirius pronounces both Reg and Regulus (both with a French Pronunciation). If you type in Most Words, in Fact, the google lady does a decent job with her accent, shockingly.
Okay. My mild spiral about French Accents aside, on with the chapter.
Le Saut Périlleux Arrière : the Backflip
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus was awake before his alarm, on the sheer buzz of excitement. Though Sirius had not committed either way to skating with him, Regulus was extremely excited at the prospect of getting more or less free rein over what he did on the ice that morning.
When Sirius’ alarm went off, Regulus all but sprinted to launch himself onto Sirius’ bed. His brother yelped in surprise.
“It is time to wake up! It is a free skating day!” Regulus informed him, brightly, and Sirius flopped back down on his bed.
“Fucking hell, Reg. I think this is what kids who get presents are like on Christmas.”
“...I would not know,” Regulus dismissed immediately. “But I am excited. Please get up and get dressed. And please consider bringing your skates.”
“Okay, okay. I’m moving,” Sirius replied, with a sigh, as he forced himself up. Regulus waited until his brother was properly out of bed to clamber off of it himself. He immediately headed for the kitchen to start making breakfast for both of them. Sirius was dressed to skate, and had in-hand a pair of figure skates. “I’m not promising,” Sirius said, when Regulus’ smile only grew. “But… I’m not saying no, either. I need to get there and see how I’m feeling, first, okay?”
“Okay,” Regulus agreed immediately, before he handed over a bowl of oats. “Eat. It has protein powder. For efficiency.”
Sirius laughed, his expression shifting from slight concern into genuine, warm amusement. “Thanks, Reg. What’s in this? It has chunks. I thought you hated chunks.”
“I am learning ,” Regulus replied. “But the chunks are apples. It has vanilla protein powder, oats, apples, cinnamon, and salt. Salt is very important. I tried to make it without salt at first. It was horrible.”
Sirius laughed again, but gamely began to eat his breakfast. When Regulus moved to lean against him, he even shifted to wrap an arm around him.
“Thank you, for coming with me,” Regulus said. “I am very excited.”
“I can tell. It’s… my pleasure, really. I’m excited too, even if I really… kind of just want to watch you skate. I know I’ve seen it recently, but it just… it’s nice. To get to be there.”
Regulus’ smile was sad, briefly, before it lightened again. “I am happy to have you for an audience. You are always my favorite spectator.”
“Well, you’re my favorite figure skater,” Sirius replied, after a brief hesitation.
Regulus’ excitement had not slightly dimmed by the time they reached the arena. Though he laced up his skates, Sirius did beg out of skating immediately, content to sit by Regulus’ mobile where he plugged it in for music after he reached the ice.
Regulus immediately moved away with backward crossovers as the lyrics began, and Sirius was frozen in place as the song started.
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
Your sorry little heart still bippety-bops from side to side
You get to see another day, so what d’ya say
You bake some cookies for an orphan who is going blind?
Congratulations, welcome back to the grind
Congratulations, you survived your suicide
Regulus was looping around the rink, looking genuinely happy, and Sirius was dumbfounded both by the choice and how his brother could possibly be so joyful with the song choice. He couldn’t do anything except watch, and listen, and pray that the song was a one-off.
But then the next song started, the lyrics beginning immediately with the off putting: I wanna rip out my intestines, throw them in the sea. When it got to the line 'Cause I mean, aren't you supposed to burn if you're a star? Regulus out-right started beaming, and entered a dramatic spiral that he definitely should have waited to do because there was no way he was comfortable with the amount of extension he managed. By the end of the song, though, it was clear Regulus was feeling more warmed up than Sirius would have at that point.
After the brief guitar, the third song was enough to make Sirius automatically reach for Regulus’ locked mobile. Guiltily, he set it back down, as he listened to the lyrics, and watched Regulus bunny hop his way around the rink.
My legs are dangling off the edge
The bottom of the bottle is my only friend
I think I'll slit my wrist again, and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone
My legs are dangling off the edge
A stomach full of pills didn't work again
I'll put a bullet in my head, and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone
Regulus started spinning, just a simple layback spin, but he maintained it much longer than Sirius could have imagined pulling off. Regulus exited the spin and went back to bunny hopping, looking as though he was having the time of his life.
Gone too far, yeah, I'm gone again
It's gone on too long, tell you how it ends
I'm sitting on the edge with my two best friends
One's a bottle of pills, and one's a bottle of gin
I'm 20 stories up, yeah, up at the top
I polished off this bottle, now it's pushing me off
Asphalt to me has never looked so soft
I bet my momma found my letter, now she's calling the cops
I gotta take this opportunity before I miss it
'Cause now I hear the sirens and they're off in the distance
Believe me when I tell you that I've been persistent
'Cause I'm more scarred, more scarred than my wrist is
I've been trying too long with too dull of a knife
But tonight, I made sure that I sharpened it twice
I never bought a suit before in my life
But when you go to meet God, you know, you wanna look nice
Regulus stopped bunny hopping and picked up speed, and Sirius tensed in anticipation, though he had no idea what for.
So if I survive, then I'll see you tomorrow
Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow
Regulus timed the entirely-illegal by ISU standards backflip to occur during a brief pause, to land as the lyrics resumed.
Sirius stopped watching to focus on trying to break into his brother’s mobile, instead. After a long moment staring and remembering Regulus' lack of trust regarding his mobile, he pulled out his own mobile to ask Barty and Evan for a link to Regulus’ spotify so that he could try and find the playlist on his own.
The song ended and the jaunty piano of Elton John’s I think I’m Going to Kill Myself started. Regulus actually laughed, and Sirius was distracted into looking up to watch as Regulus clearly executed a low-level but still choreographed program to the song. It involved snapping and jazz hands. His brother still looked almost unbearably happy. Despite the fact that Sirius highly doubted they were listening to a playlist that someone else had made, Regulus still looked as though it were a pleasant surprise when the song changed to Queen’s Don’t Try Suicide. If Sirius wasn’t so shocked by the song, he might have been more appreciative of Regulus clapping in time to the music while executing several upright spins and modified spirals.
Sirius’ mobile buzzed. Evan had texted back a link followed by a single question mark of inquiry.
[Text from Sirius] is he usually… listening to music about suicide??????
[Text from Evan] it is not unusual
[Text from Sirius] and you don’t find that worrying given the circumstances?!
[Text form Barty] it’s Reg, it’s fine
[Text from Sirius] HE LITERALLY TRIED TO SLIT HIS WRISTS WHY ARE YOU NOT CONCERNED
[Text from Evan] he is doing okay right now, we check in daily. He says it is just “the vibe”
[Text from Barty] if he weren’t safe, we’d tell u, because we ALSO want him safe
The song changed to The Mystic by Adam Jensen, and Regulus’ clapping only kept up as long as it was in the song, before he was going into dramatic jumps that Sirius was genuinely concerned about so early on in skating.
[Text from Sirius] he’s jumping after like… barely any warm up????
[Text from Evan] he would not do it if he did not feel ready. He does not want to be injured to the point of not being able to skate
[Text from Sirius] does he have a substance addiction I need to worry about???
There was a lengthy pause in response time from Regulus’ partners, as they went through the entirety of Small Cuts by the Brobecks and Waiting for Death by Candle Kid before either of them texted him back. The answer was not reassuring.
[Text from Barty] that’s something u should ask Reg about
[Text from Sirius] how are neither of you worried that this is the music that he enjoys???
[Text from Evan] it is not all he listens to. And we would rather he listen to it than for him to feel isolated again.
Sirius scrolled through the playlist to try and get his bearings, but if anything, the songs only got worse.
[Text from Sirius] does he have entire free skates choreographed for most of these????
[Text from Evan] Which playlist?
Sirius sent back the link, and tried to watch his brother while he waited, but the beautiful skating in combination with the music was too much of a terrifying juxtaposition for him to comprehend.
[Text from Evan] at least…80% have free skates or dances, yes. Some are for both of us, though
[Text from Sirius] YOU DID ICE DANCING TO THIS SHIT? TOGETHER????
[Text from Evan] some of them are very beautiful, even. parents, by yungblud, is my favorite of our free dances, really
[Text from Sirius] I am going to lose my gd mind
A moment later, the music cut off interrupted by Regulus’ mobile ringing. It took mere seconds for Regulus to exit the sit-spin he’d been in and glide over to his mobile. “Evan! Bonjour!” Regulus practically chirped. Sirius couldn’t decipher what Evan said, but Regulus’ eyes immediately flicked to Sirius. “J’comprends, merci beaucoup, ma fleur,” Regulus murmured. “Je t’aime.” When Regulus ended the call, he paused his music.
“Ça va?” Regulus’ tone was casual, but there was a tenseness to his eyes that only worsened Sirius’ own tenseness.
“Uh,” Sirius managed. “I’m sorry, did Rosier just tattle on me?”
“...I suppose you could word it like that. He mentioned that you found my music concerning, and knew that I would not be watching you to realize it myself,” Regulus answered, as he exited the ice to sit next to Sirius in the box. “I am not going to kill myself, Sirius. Not… now. Probably.”
“You know that adding probably entirely takes away the reassurance, right, Reg?” Sirius’ tone came out far more as a demand than as a question. Regulus shrugged.
“Well,” Regulus started, before hesitating. “I do not know for certain.”
Sirius’ upset and general sense of stress immediately veered sharply for the far more emotional realm of ‘panic’. “Please don’t kill yourself. Please.”
“I do not plan to, right now,” Regulus replied, gently. “Right now I am… possibly more… stable than I have ever been. But I–” Regulus cut off, as he finally properly looked at Sirius and took in his pale face and teary eyes. “Sirius.”
“Please, Reg, I can’t–I can’t. I can’t lose you. I can’t .”
Regulus reached out to link their hands, cupping Sirius’ hand in both of his. “I do not have a plan, right now,” Regulus reiterated.
“But you did, and you tried, and I wasn’t–I wasn’t there,” Sirius whispered. “And you can’t–you can’t even tell me you won’t have a plan in the future.”
“At the time, I thought no one was there,” Regulus replied. “It was pure luck that I had forgotten Father’s housekeeper would be there that day.” Sirius’ breath stuck painfully in his chest, and he couldn’t draw another full breath even as Regulus tried to coax him into resuming breathing.
“Do you still want to die?” Sirius asked, around the sensation of a phantom hand around his throat, and Regulus was silent for a long moment. “Reg, please .”
“Not… actively. Not enough to try again. But part of that is… that if I failed again, I would… I would not know how to ever do anything again.”
“What?”
“Perfectionism. It is keeping me alive, really,” Regulus replied, and Sirius gave a horrific, painful, ragged sob. He didn’t resist as Regulus shifted to pull him into a hug instead of just holding his hand. “But I would not do it while I was with you. I would never make you be the one to find me. That… that is also keeping me alive.”
“Why don’t you want to live? Why is life so bad?” Sirius asked, and Regulus made a choked off sound that sounded like suppressed, if slightly hysterical, laughter.
“Truly? You are truly asking me that?” Regulus replied.
“I just–I thought life had gotten better for you?” Sirius continued, determined, now. “You’ve transitioned, you’re competing as a man, you’re going to–you’re going to make history. I don’t understand.”
“Do you think I have enjoyed most of how I have gotten here? That it has not left scars, both literal and metaphorical? I have to live with my past every day, with the nightmares most nights, with the echo of other, critical voices every time I look at myself or do anything. I am exhausted . I am exhausted, and I am–I only want to do this, at this level, to show everyone who said I could not do it, that I can . I–I just want peace. And to stop being in pain all of the fucking time.”
“I don’t understand,” Sirius admitted. “You look happy when you’re skating. I thought–I thought you enjoyed it?”
“I do,” Regulus replied, immediately. “I adore skating. I adore it almost more than anything in the world.”
“But you don’t want to do it?”
“I do want to do it,” Regulus replied.
“You just–you just listed a bunch of reasons why it’s miserable and toxic for you, Reg.”
“That does not mean I do not adore it and want to keep doing it. Even when I am exhausted and in pain.”
“I don’t understand,” Sirius repeated.
“If you think I understand, you are severely overestimating my intelligence,” Regulus replied. “I cannot explain to you how complicated my relationship with the world is. Everything is good and everything is bad, both, all at once, always. So yes. Sometimes, I want to die. But for now, I will not, and that… that has to be enough.”
“How does listening to music about suicide not make you want to die more ?” Sirius asked, and Regulus was silent for a long moment.
“I like not feeling alone. I like knowing other people think about it, and have created art about it, and ultimately, most of them, have not followed through. When I tried, it was because I felt entirely alone in the world. Evan, Barty, and I could secretly text, but not much else. You and I had not talked in years. Our father was–” Regulus broke off, and withdrew slightly, from the embrace, looking as though the mere mention of their father had sickened him slightly. “I felt alone. The only person I saw outside of school, consistently, was my trainer and she was… she was cruel, both mentally and physically. Not just within training, but also with corporal punishment. After, the music… helped. To not feel alone, in how I was feeling.”
Sirius exhaled forcefully, and nodded, before pulling away enough to wipe away his tears.
“Okay. Okay,” Sirius murmured. “I… I still don’t understand, not really,” Sirius admitted. “But I–thank you. Thank you, Reg, truly. For sharing.”
Regulus’ shoulders immediately relaxed, and he pulled away more fully, as though withdrawing from Sirius as quickly as he could.
“Can I ask another question? Possibly related?” Sirius asked, hesitantly, and Regulus froze for a long moment.
“Oh, pourquoi pas? Sure,” Regulus replied, though he looked far less comfortable than Sirius would have liked.
“Do you… is there anything I should know, about you and… substance abuse? Some of the lyrics made me… worried.”
Regulus stayed frozen for a long, painful minute, which Sirius watched tick past on the clock across from them.
“Probably,” Regulus finally admitted, before standing, and stepping back out on the ice. “But I cannot–that is–I cannot do both at once.”
“Okay,” Sirius murmured. “Okay, that’s okay Reg, really.”
“Okay,” Regulus repeated, though he looked dubious about it.
“Go, skate more. I promise I’ll… chill.”
“I will change the music,” Regulus replied, and Sirius shrugged.
“You don’t have to. If it helps.”
“It will not be much better, by your standards, but I will change it to something slightly better,” Regulus insisted, and when he pressed play, Sirius snorted as My Chemical Romance’s Dead! Started playing over the speakers.
Regulus didn’t seem to have a routine for this particular song, or if he did, the conversation had shaken him too much to actually follow through on it. When House of Wolves started, though, it was as though Regulus had decided to put on a full performance. If Sirius had thought it was ridiculously high energy and dramatic, though, it had nothing to do with the way Regulus poured his soul into his performance for Mama , despite a lack of an audience.
When Teenagers started, though, Sirius gave up on sitting where he was. The instant he stepped onto the ice, Regulus was reaching out to him. Though it took a brief moment for them to find their rhythm, Regulus’ prediction that they’d be able to read each other more or less came true. Though it wasn’t fancy, they even managed several lifts, which Sirius would definitely regret, physically, the next day.
By the end of the song, both of them were breathing hard, but beaming at each other.
“So I now know a secret ,” both Sirius and Regulus startled magnificently, but neither tensed, because the person standing and watching was Mary , who they both wholeheartedly agreed was ‘too nice’ for professional figure skating. “You’ve kept your skill awfully quiet, Sirius,” Mary added.
“I am like 99% sure Reg was very adamant that no one would be here,” Sirius replied.
“I’m literally the manager’s daughter, Sirius. I have basically free rein of the place,” Mary laughed. “I came to pick up some things. This is a fun secret, though. Can I ask why it’s a secret? You’re both brilliant.”
Regulus was very focused on Sirius, but Sirius didn’t bother translating, just let go of his brother’s hand, and nudged him to resume skating. He headed towards Mary. “Because I actually loathed the training I went through to get to this point,” he admitted, as he stepped off the ice to get out of Regulus’ way. “I like skating with Reg. That’s fun. But only when it’s just us having fun. Please don’t tell anyone, the guys would definitely make fun of me, and it’s–it’s genuinely something that’s a truly sore spot.”
Mary’s expression softened into a smile. “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. But now I know two men far more competent than Severus. If I need help, I will be calling you.”
“That’s blackmail,” Sirius accused, but it was playful.
“Oh well,” Mary replied, with a warm smile. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying?” Mary asked, hesitantly.
“Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s all good,” Sirius replied, with a smile that somehow managed to not look half as brittle as it felt. “Reg and I are just… struggling to readjust to one another, after so long apart.”
“It didn’t look that way. You’re… a really good pair. Like, genuinely, Sirius, the pair of you would definitely win most competitions.”
“It’s–” Sirius looked genuinely uncomfortable, and Mary immediately winced slightly.
“Sorry, right, sore subject,” Mary murmured. “I’ll stop. Just… consider going back to skating? I promise I’ll leave, and you two looked like you were having fun. You both look like you could use a little fun.”
“Thanks, Mary,” Sirius replied, softly, with an uncharacteristic vulnerability. “And thank you in advance for not telling anyone.”
“Not mine to tell. Go. Have fun,” Mary made a shooing gesture, and after a long moment of staring at her doubtfully, Sirius did head back onto the ice, though he stuck to the edges, because Regulus was moving with a level of certainty that indicated he had some sort of program for Foundations of Decay.
After the song ended, though, his brother once again reached for his hand, and Sirius forced himself to focus just on Regulus and skating, as difficult as that was to achieve.
Thankfully, Sirius escaped any more of his friends catching him figure skating. By the time Regulus’ allotted time was up, they’d both settled down slightly, but the instant their skates were in the boot of the car, Sirius tugged his brother in for a tight hug.
“I love you, Reg,” Sirius murmured. Regulus’ grip on him tightened almost painfully.
“I love you too. Very much,” Regulus replied. “You are tied for my favorite person in the world.”
Sirius couldn’t help the wounded sound the sentiment tore out of him.
“...Do not say I told you that so soon. It took me five years to tell Evan and Barty this.”
“Technically, I’ve known you the fourth longest of anyone in the world,” Sirius pointed out. “I’ve known you almost your whole life.”
“This is true,” Regulus agreed after a long moment. “So I suppose it is fine that you know you are tied for my favorite person.”
“Even after all this time?”
“Of course,” Regulus replied, and when Sirius pulled back to look him in the eye, he only looked puzzled.
“You… you don’t… think that that’s a bit… I don’t know. Odd? Given our time apart?”
“...I didn’t,” Regulus answered. “Do you? Who is your favorite person?”
“I–” Sirius fell silent. “Well. You, yes. Tied with Remus, and James, and Peter. And Effie.”
“James’ maman,” Regulus supplied, mostly for himself, but Sirius nodded. “But still me.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Sirius replied. “I hadn’t… I guess I hadn’t thought about my favorite people before.”
“I had never thought of my best day before,” Regulus replied. “I still don’t know it. Or my greatest fear. But I think I know that now, though.”
“Oh?” Sirius was clearly trying to keep his tone and posture casual, but he mostly failed at it.
“Mm. I fear failure more than anything. Knowing I failed,” Regulus replied, finally stepping away fully and heading to get into the car. Sirius was a moment behind him.
“That’s your worst fear?” Sirius asked. “Reg…” Sirius trailed off, but he mostly just looked at a loss.
“I cannot imagine anything worse.”
“What if–what if people you love died? That’s not worse?”
“I would just die, too.”
“What?” Sirius turned, fully, to look at Regulus in undisguised shock.
“If you, Barty, or Evan die, I will just die too. I cannot live without any one of you.”
“What about the rest of us? Don’t you think maybe we’d rather you stick around?” Regulus gave a noncommittal shrug.
“I do not particularly care. I know my limits.”
“ Reg ,” Sirius repeated, but when Regulus looked at him to try and get him to continue, he was merely gaping. “Okay, I hate that a lot ,” Sirius finally said. Regulus frowned slightly. “To clarify, I don’t hate you or anything about you, but I hate knowing that you’d… you’d be okay with that.”
“I regularly experience the urge to die when I have to do routine tasks, Sirius,” Regulus thought he did a wonderful job of keeping his tone patient. “If I lost one of you three, it would be very, very simple for me to have a solution.”
“Yeah, hate that, for sure. What kind of routine tasks?”
“What?” The word was mostly to try and buy himself some time.
“What kind of routine tasks are giving you the urge to die, Reg?” Sirius’ intensity had only increased, and Regulus was deeply uncomfortable with such intensity trained on him.
“Eating, mostly,” Regulus admitted, after a moment’s hesitation. Sirius was visibly thrown.
“...How often?”
“Most of the time, unless I am distracted.”
“Okay…” Sirius drew the word out, as he clearly thought things through. “Did it make you want to die this morning?”
“No, but that was because you were distracting me.”
“...Is it going to make you want to die when we have lunch?”
“It depends on how distracted I am. If I am thinking about eating, probably.”
“Why?”
“What?” He asked, again to try and buy himself time thinking.
“Why does it make you want to die when you think about eating?” Sirius elaborated, and Regulus had to look away.
“J’sais pas,” Regulus mumbled, but after he said it, he cringed, his entire body curling up slightly. “I do not–I do not want to think about it, please.”
“Is it–is it because of–because of figure skating?” Sirius asked, softly. The sound that escaped Regulus was close to a whimper. “Reg.”
“If I say yes, will you let me stop talking of it?”
“...You don’t have to say yes just to get me to drop it,” Sirius replied. “We can… we can drop it for now,” Sirius replied, as he turned away from Regulus to start the car. After a moment, Regulus relaxed slightly. “But we are going to talk about it again. And about what else makes you want to die. And about what you can do instead of dying, and–and instead of-of hurting yourself.”
“Must we?” Regulus asked, and Sirius let out a long, exasperated breath.
“Yeah, lapin, we must,” Sirius replied, before he clearly decided to give Regulus something of a break on the drive home.
The instant that they were inside the flat, though, Sirius didn’t force Regulus into continuing to talk. Instead, Sirius headed for his bedroom, grabbed a pillow, and dropped down onto the floor. Seconds later, Regulus heard a muffled scream. When he peeked in the room, Sirius was face-down on the floor, his face smashed into his pillow.
“Are you… okay?” Regulus asked, and Sirius, without moving much of his body, gave him a thumbs up. “I… am doubting that response.” Regulus sat down on the floor outside of Sirius’ bedroom to wait. It was nearly ten minutes before Sirius moved again, and when he did it was slow, and took another five minutes before Sirius actually looked at Regulus.
“You drive me crazy, kid,” Sirius finally said. “I love you more than anyone, and you make me absolutely insane with worry.”
“I’m sorry,” Regulus whispered, and it was incredibly, painfully genuine. His throat and eyes burned with the threat of tears, because Sirius looked utterly exhausted. “Should I… would it… be better… if I did not… talk of it? Of… death?”
“No. No, I think that’s the opposite of what we need, Reg, truly,” Sirius replied, after a brief hesitation. “It’s upsetting for me to think about, but if you’re thinking about it, I’d rather know than you think you have to keep it to yourself out of concern for me.”
“I do not like upsetting you,” Regulus said after a long pause.
“And I’m really, really okay with being a little upset in this case, okay?”
“You just had to scream because of me,” Regulus pointed out.
“No. Not because of you,” Sirius said, immediately and firmly. “That was because I’m still working on learning how to regulate my frustration in a healthy sort of way. And I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to make things better for you, Reg, not because of anything you’ve done. I just want to fix things, and I know that that’s not actually something I can do , so I’m frustrated by it.”
“...I am not the one making you frustrated?” Regulus clarified softly, and Sirius sighed, as he moved to sit in front of Regulus, their knees touching.
“No. No, Reg. You’re not. You’ve also not done anything wrong, to be very clear. I’m having a lot of feelings, but they’re all mine, and while most of my feelings’re related to you, you didn’t make me feel anything.”
“Je ne comprends pas,” Regulus admitted. “If they are related to me, how am I not making you upset?”
“Because that’s not how feelings actually work,” Sirius sighed. “We feel things in response to things that happen around us, or to us, but the idea that a person causes you to feel things assigns responsibility that just is–it’s not how it works. My feelings come from me . Saying you make me feel it implies that the feeling is coming from you.”
“It is, you are upset because of me. Why are you not–I do not understand. Why are you not blaming me? It is my fault!” A few tears rolled down Regulus’ cheeks, but he hastily wiped them away.
“Reg,” Sirius murmured, as he slowly reached out to rest his hands on Regulus’ knees, palms up, for Regulus to take. Regulus was frozen, though, his hands on his cheeks as he stared at his brother without comprehension. “I’m not blaming you because there’s nothing to blame you for. You’re not at fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. Okay? You hear me? You’ve done nothing wrong. Tu n’as rien fait de mal.”
“Je fais toujours quelque chose de mal!” Regulus exclaimed, around a sudden and violent sob that he tried to stifle in his hands. I’m always doing something bad.
“No, lapinou, no you aren’t ,” Sirius whispered. “Please, Reg, can I hug you?”
Despite the fact that Regulus was absolutely certain he did not deserve the affection, he nodded. The hug Sirius pulled him into was more as though his brother was wrapping himself around him as fully as he possibly could.
“Tu n’as rien fait de mal,” Sirius repeated. When another horrifically painful, violent sob shook Regulus, Sirius merely held onto him and whispered reassurances.
When the sobbing finally passed, Regulus’ legs had gone numb from the position they’d been in. “I need… to move,” Regulus managed. Sirius gave a shaky but genuine laugh.
“Yeah, ow. We’ll try and move to someplace softer before the next breakdown,” Sirius replied.
“Or we could stop having breakdowns,” Regulus replied, as he pulled away and stood up to shake out his limbs.
“I have a feeling that’s not happening,” Sirius replied, and Regulus sighed, dramatically.
“Non, it seems not,” Regulus agreed. He didn’t say anything else as he headed to blow his nose and wash his face. Then, he changed out of his skating clothes, for jeans and a hoodie. When he finally returned to the living room, he found his brother had done the same. “Are we truly going to keep talking about this?” Regulus asked, and Sirius sighed.
“I think we need to. For both of our sakes, truly,” Sirius replied. Regulus heaved another sigh. “C’mon, come sit by me,” Sirius invited, patting the sofa next to him. After a moment, Regulus did as he asked. “So. Eating’s hard?”
“...That would be… an understatement,” Regulus said, after a moment. “I–do we have to? Truly? Can we–can we do one thing at a time? This is–I feel–”
“How do you feel?” Sirius asked, gently, and Regulus exhaled sharply.
“I feel like I have just done a full competition and lost, badly,” Regulus admitted. “I feel… stress, and anxiety, and distress. And I feel… shame, and like I am still doing something wrong.”
“Oh,” Sirius murmured, his expression shifting into something soft and apologetic. “I’m sorry, Reg. I should’ve asked that sooner. Do you want to talk about what you’re feeling? Or do you need me to back off a little bit?”
“I–I do not want you to not be doing well,” Regulus said.
“I can wait. I’m–I’m okay to wait, Reg, really,” Sirius assured him. Regulus took a moment just to breathe.
“I think I need… I need you to back off a little bit. I do not… Even with Evan and Barty, this is–I am not this honest, not often. We talk daily, of how I am doing, but it is vague and they do not–they do not ask questions , because they know that it is difficult and so they let me come to them, when I am… ready.”
“Oh,” Sirius murmured. “Would that… would you prefer if I did that?” Sirius asked, and Regulus immediately shook his head.
“No. If you want to speak of it, you have to ask, because I–I will not speak of it how you want me to. I make off hand comments, occasionally. I would never… with you, I would… it would not be spoken of, of something that we were problem solving, if I were to be in charge of it. Because it upsets you, and I dislike… I… You… Feeling. I…” Regulus stalled out, and Sirius pulled him into a one-armed hug. “It may not be my fault but I do not know how to feel it is not my fault.”
“Fair enough. I’ll… try and check in more, on how you’re doing, along the way. And we’ll take a lot of it slow as we can, to try and keep you from getting overwhelmed. Sound okay?”
After a long moment, Regulus nodded. “I… am okay with that, yes,” Regulus confirmed.
“Okay,” Sirius murmured, after a lengthy pause. “So. Mary knows I can figure skate and she’s absolutely blackmailing me into helping her if she needs it,” Sirius switched the topic, and Regulus gave a dramatic gasp that was only partly exaggerated.
“Mary? Non! She is too nice for blackmail!” Regulus exclaimed.
“We might’ve underestimated her. There’s a real possibility we both underestimated her,” Sirius grinned.
“We must find out if she is available to meet up. I must find out more about her.”
“Remember, no seducing my friends,” Sirius replied, but it was with a grin.
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Not my type,” Regulus said, firmly. “Although I respect the blackmail. That is an appropriate use of the information. Text her,” Regulus requested.
“I’ll just add you to the group chat. You can text her,” Sirius replied.
“I do not speak English, did you forget?”
“Confuse the fuck out of them in French. I might even translate,” Sirius replied, and Regulus narrowed his eyes for a moment, before nodding firmly.
“Add me to the group chat,” he requested as he pulled out his mobile.
[Text from Sirius] Regulus now has full access to our group chat. Be nice.
[Text from Marlene] We’re always nice!
[Text from Regulus] G 1 id 2 kdo
[Text from Marlene] or not. Was that a fucking KEYBOARD SMASH??
[Text from Sirius] That is, unfortunately, my brother ATTEMPTING communication. He learned to text on a flip phone and never stopped abbreviating. “J’ai une idée de cadeau”. He has, apparently, a great idea.
[Text from Regulus] C pa 5pa :(
[Text from Sirius] I know you are capable of typing, you’re literally typing our texts to translate them.
[Text from Dorcas] I love having siblings in the group. You two are fabulous when you bicker. What did that last text say?
[Text from Sirius] “C’est pas sympa” – that’s not nice.
[Text from Regulus] ns fo tt ns rencontrer 2m1
“Reg, for fuck’s sake, write words,” Sirius’ exasperation could not be kept quiet.
“Non.”
“Brat,” Sirius huffed.
“Translate my text, Sirius.”
[Text from Remus] wow, we got a full word that time.
[Text from Sirius] “nous faut tous nous rencontrer demain” I assume he used faut simply to use the abbreviation. He wants to meet up tomorrow. We’ve got nothing going on and I think he’s attached to you lot.
[Text from Regulus] SVP?
[Text from Sirius] He added please. We can host. Lowkey game night, maybe?
[Text from Marlene] There’s no such thing as a Lowkey game night with you. Cas and I are down!
[Text from Mary] I’m game!
Regulus cheered, and Sirius couldn’t help his laughter.
[Text from Remus] I’m willing to keep company but I love my relationship too much to venture into “lowkey” game night which inevitably becomes cutthroat.
Remus’ text had both Regulus and Sirius nearly in tears from how riotous their laughter had become.
[Text from Sirius] Remussssssssssss please? I promise it won’t impact our relationship!!!!!
[Text from Remus] Fine, I’m in
[Text from Lily] James and I are both in too!
[Text from Regulus] MR6!
[Text from Sirius] “Merci”
“You look insufferably pleased with yourself,” Sirius informed his brother. “You just made me vividly relieve a young teenage experience I didn’t even have .”
“You did very well translating,” Regulus assured his brother. “You barely hesitated at all.”
“Only because I still dream in French. It’s just sounding things out,” Sirius dismissed.
“It was very impressive of you,” Regulus replied, and Sirius huffed.
“Now we have to come up with game options. What do you even like to play?”
“J’sais pas, Barty, Evan, and I stick to cards. We could play poker. Or strip poker!”
“No! No! You will not be playing strip poker with my friends! Fuck! Reg!” Sirius looked even more exasperated, and he made Regulus laugh. “I guess we have until tomorrow to figure it out.”
“There is always dominoes, as well.”
“We’ll figure it out,” Sirius repeated. “Right. We’ve got time before lunch. What do you want to do?”
Regulus hesitated. “Is it alright if I play my violin?”
“Yeah, bud, that’s just fine,” Sirius assured, immediately. Regulus hesitated a moment longer, before heading for his room to get lost in the music for a little while.
Chapter 8: La Levée Vrillée
Notes:
La Levée Vrillée: The Twist Lift
As always, huge thanks to my Beta, Moormage14, for editing, keeping me sane (as I ever am), and agreeing that this chapter is ouchie!
TW: Eating Disorder related issues, PTSD/Panic Attack, mentions of past self harm/suicidal ideation, discussions of sexual harrassment/possible sexual assault (vague)/sexualization of a minor (also vague), intoxication/consumption of alcohol, depictions of violence-as-a-trauma-response, discussions of past violence, uhhh, some dissociation. That. Should be it I think?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Strip poker?” Regulus’ hopefulness was out in full force.
“No!” Sirius pressed his hand to his eyes instead of continuing to watch Regulus make lunch.
“Poker… while stripping?” Regulus tried instead.
“Fucking hell, that’s the same thing, no .”
“Reverse strip poker where we start out nude and instead we add clothing.”
“Regulus, what the actual fuck is your obsession with being naked to mostly naked around my friends?” Sirius had edged from exasperated into outright frustration.
“They are funny! They have funny reactions!” Regulus replied, brightly. “ Please ?”
“No! You are 17! All of them are over 18! No!”
“Technically, I am legally allowed to have sex with any of them, you know.”
“Please do not remind me, that’s horrifying . Stick to your people.”
“I feel like it would be an excellent way of just getting some issues out of the way,” Regulus tried.
“Like what?” Sirius sighed.
“Like you finding my scars upsetting, for one,” Regulus replied.
“Trust me, seeing my kid brother naked or almost naked is not going to make me more comfortable,” Sirius huffed. “We need to go to the shop again. We’re out of eggs. Again.”
“I eat a lot of eggs,” Regulus nodded.
“I’ve noticed. Aren’t you sick of them?”
“I hate eggs. I hate them passionately. But they are very good for me, and relatively affordable.”
Sirius exhaled sharply. “We can afford to get you like… meat replacement things, Reg. Soy or whatever they make things out of.”
Regulus looked blatantly surprised. “I… do not wish to be… a problem.”
“You aren’t, I promise. If you hate eggs, you shouldn’t eat them just because they’re good for you. It can’t help anything to be eating food that you dislike.”
Regulus was silent for a long moment, visibly uncomfortable and confused, before he forced the emotions away and decided to just ignore the topic. “We can just play normal poker. I am capable of merely playing normal poker, with chips instead of more fun stakes.”
“...You’re going to be freakishly good at Poker, aren’t you? You notice everything.”
“I also count cards,” Regulus shrugged. “I try not to, but it just… happens.”
Sirius sighed dramatically in response to that admission. “You shouldn’t tell people you’re going to cheat when you’re going to cheat, Reg.”
“Well, I try not to cheat. But I am also very good at odds-based games, like Acey-Deucy. Because I keep track automatically, and odds are not hard for me.”
Sirius sighed again, before turning to look at his brother properly. “What else could we play?”
“Baccarat is good with eight people.”
“...Can you even play Baccarat outside of a casino?”
“You can play most games outside of a casino.”
“Is that it?”
“Of course not. I do not think you want me to go through the whole list,” Regulus replied. “And that is just using one or two packs of French-suited playing cards. If we expand to Italian-suited, there are more.”
“I love your brain, Reg, truly. But maybe we’ll stick with something like charades.”
“...Excellent, I will be Mary’s partner, it will give me an excuse to learn more about her,” Regulus nodded. “I assume couples will want to pair together.”
“I’m a little worried about how interested you are in Mary.”
“No, no, I am merely a normal level of interested. She was so kind about my skating, but not at all hesitant to blackmail you. It is interesting!”
“I suppose it is,” Sirius agreed.
They headed for Sainsbury’s after lunch, and the instant they started shopping it was as though Regulus had never had an opinion in his life.
“C’mon Reg. Please. Pick something.”
“Can you… just take care of it?” Regulus requested, and Sirius sighed. “I will try anything, I just… do not wish to pick what to try. Please.”
“Alright, okay,” Sirius agreed with a sigh. He started picking out protein-based alternatives for Regulus to try instead. “You really sure you don’t have a preference?”
“Yes. I am very certain,” Regulus replied, firmly. “If I think about it too much, I do not know that I will stay calm.”
“Okay, fair enough,” Sirius replied. When he was reasonably certain they at least had some options, he turned to Regulus, who was studiously examining the ceiling. “Okay, bunny, I’m done. Do you want to help with snacks for the party, or not?”
“I can help with snacks, snacks are easier. Mostly because I do not have to eat them.”
Sirius managed a smile, and patted Regulus' arm. “Fair enough, I suppose.”
Part way through picking out snacks, both of their mobiles buzzed. “Bet that’s the group chat,” Sirius muttered. “Check it?”
[Text from James] Thoughts on inviting Frank and Alice to game night? Just ran into him. Thought it might be funny for Reg to beat Frank in arm wrestling.
[Text from Marlene] OMG PLS!!!!!
Regulus was stunned into stillness. Even if it was probably for convenience, seeing James shorten his name felt impactful in a way he didn’t know how to handle.
“Well?” Sirius asked, and Regulus turned his mobile so Sirius could read it. “Oh, that would be funny as fuck. You’re easily like… one third of Frank’s size.”
“I am half of James’ size,” Regulus said, with wide eyes. Sirius nodded.
“Frank’s bigger,” Sirius said very solemnly.
“I–do you think I could even beat him?”
“Oh, not a doubt. You’re lean, but you trained to be strong without it showing. The fact that you have this much muscle definition despite that? You must be insanely strong, Reg, truly.”
“I tried to be,” Regulus admitted. “I can lift Evan nearly as easily as he lifts me.”
Sirius’ jaw dropped. “You’re kidding.”
“No,” Regulus shook his head before pulling up a video of a twist lift. “It is a relatively recent development. With an increase in training specifically to do it.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Sirius muttered. “Anyone judging for the ISU would fucking die if they saw you two pull that off.”
“J’suis pas ‘a lady’,” Regulus replied, smugly.
“Christ,” Sirius repeated. “But I 100% am even more sure that you could absolutely beat Frank and I would actually pay you money to see you do it.”
“Please text your friends back because I do not feel like confusing them with French right now,” Regulus requested. Sirius huffed, but pulled out his own mobile.
[Text from Sirius] Go for it! We’re both down for more people, especially to watch Reg demolish Frank.
James merely sent back a thumbs-up emoji and Regulus put his mobile away.
“Why don’t you feel like confusing them right now?” Sirius asked, as casually as he could. “Seemed like you were enjoying that pretty whole-heartedly.”
Regulus hesitated so long that even he wasn’t sure he’d actually manage to answer the question. “It would not be as fun when you are not immediately translating for me. Part of that was watching you translate it. It felt… like… bonding.”
“Oh,” Sirius stopped in the middle of the aisle just to stare at his brother. “I get that, I think,” he managed a small smile, but it was tinged with sadness, and Regulus didn’t have half an idea what had put that expression on his brother’s face. “C’mere, lapin,” Sirius requested, before pulling Regulus in for a tight hug, despite being in the middle of the store, and definitely in the way of a few slightly-disgruntled individuals.
“Why did I make you sad?”
“You didn’t make me sad,” Sirius said, without a single beat of hesitation. “I’m a little bit sad about how much we missed out on, is all. We could’ve been bonding for the last… well, seven years, really, and I… am sad, generally, that we weren’t.”
“Ah. I am as well,” Regulus admitted. Sirius hugged him a little bit tighter. “Your letters… kept me content, while we still wrote.”
The sound Sirius made was soft, but immensely pained.
“Sorry,” Regulus whispered immediately.
“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I just… stopped writing.”
“You did not, though. You told me you were going to stop, because it was not going to be safe. You did not just stop. Which is good, because I would not have survived if you had just stopped.”
“Then I’m glad I wasn’t a total idiot,” Sirius murmured, before kissing Regulus’ temple and letting go of him. “Right. Do you want there to be alcohol at this party? It’s up to you.”
Regulus was silent for a very long moment. “What kind of people are your friends when there’s alcohol involved?”
“None of them are mean, if that’s what you’re worried about. Literally all of them become ridiculously affectionate, except for Remus. Remus turns into a depressing fucker. And talks about philosophy at a level that I do not understand.”
Regulus hummed. “I think… I would like to see that. But I think I would be horrified by how they drink, non?”
“Undoubtedly,” Sirius nodded. “And by what they drink, probably. There are sweet rosés involved.”
Regulus’ nose wrinkled. “Let us do it. I want to make fun of them,” Regulus requested. Sirius laughed, but obliged his decision.
Regulus didn’t go quite as extreme in his dressing choices as he had for the first evening gathering he’d gone to with Sirius’ friends. He settled for the same, torn skinny jeans and a mostly unremarkable Cemetary Girlz t-shirt, though this still left his scars visible in a way he assumed his brother would be uncomfortable with.
“Huh. You look… shockingly more dressed than I expected based on how hard you tried for strip poker,” Sirius said, with a firm nod. “That’s a relief, thank you.”
“I do not want you to be actually uncomfortable,” Regulus admitted. “Even if your friends are very funny.”
“Well… thanks for that,” Sirius seemed genuine, so Regulus nodded agreeably.
The doorbell buzzed, and Regulus took a deep breath and firmly forced himself to switch to French, mobile at the ready.
Marlene and Dorcas were the first to arrive. “Ooh, I don’t know them,” Marlene said immediately.
“Reg, mets ta musique déprimante. Pas la musique vraiment déprimante, juste la musique cette un peux déprimante,” Sirius requested. Put on your depressing music. Not the really depressing music, just the music that’s a bit depressing.
Regulus snorted at the instruction, but didn’t hesitate before putting on the music that his brother requested.
“Huh. You really don’t listen to the sorts of things I thought you would,” Marlene told Regulus.
“Que pensais-tu que j'écouterais?” Marlene waited for the translation with far less patience than Regulus had. What did you think I would listen to?
“Classical, mostly. I thought that was all that figure skaters listened to.”
“Mary n'écoute que de la musique classique?” Mary only listens to classical music?
“Yeah, almost exclusively,” Marlene nodded.
James and Lily were the next to arrive, and it was with three dozen cupcakes. Regulus immediately stared at them with clear bafflement, because each one was somehow a uniquely decorated flower.
“We had fun decorating them,” James supplied with an easy grin. “There are three flavors!”
“Did you decorate cupcakes as a date ?” Dorcas asked, and James and Lily both nodded in perfect unison. “That is absolutely disgustingly adorable.”
“Vraiment,” Regulus agreed. “C'est quelque chose qu'Evan trouverait amusant,” he muttered to Sirius who snorted.
“He said it’s something Evan would find amusing. Which checks out, because Evan is the most sentimental idiot I’ve ever met.”
“Ce n'est pas un idiot!”
“Yes, he is,” Sirius replied. “Reg, grab the wine glasses,” Sirius added, as more people continued to arrive, and Regulus used the excuse to disappear into the kitchen until everyone had arrived and started chatting with each other. When Regulus returned with the glasses, Sirius beamed at him. “Merci, Reg,” Sirius chirped. “Es-tu prêt à faire le bras de fer avec Frank?”
“What now?” Frank asked.
“You’re going to arm wrestle Regulus,” James said while grinning broadly. Frank looked Regulus over doubtfully.
“I don’t want to squash the kid,” Frank said, finally, and Sirius laughed.
“Don’t worry, big guy, you won’t,” Sirius assured.
“Sirius, comment dit-on ‘allons-y’? J’ai oublié.”
“Let’s go,” Sirius supplied. Regulus headed for the table, his elbow down and his arm extended.
“Bonsoir, Frank. Let’s go. Sirius ne nous permettra pas de continuer jusqu'à ce que ce soit fait.”
“He says I won’t let us continue until it’s done, and he’s right. So go on! Go arm wrestle Reg!” Sirius encouraged, and Frank sighed, before heading for Regulus.
“I promise not to hurt you,” Frank said. “Jesus, my hands are easily twice as big as yours,” Frank added, as he moved to take Regulus’ hand.
“Let’s go, Frank,” Regulus repeated, and Frank took his hand. Sirius counted them down, and Regulus immediately slammed Frank’s hand into the table. He looked at Sirius. “Il n'essayait pas,” Regulus accused immediately.
“He says you weren’t trying. Go again,” Sirius encouraged. “Réessayer.”
Regulus returned to his earlier position, and Frank looked baffled.
“Put your full strength into it, Frank, really,” James encouraged. Frank glanced around but after a moment, he nodded and took Regulus’ hand. This time, it took several long moments, of Regulus gradually making forward progress and Frank’s face turning very red before Regulus hit the threshold where Frank folded, and his hand slammed into the table.
“Maintenant, montres à Frank la vidéo de tu en train de lancer Evan,” Sirius instructed. Now show Frank the video of you throwing Evan.
Regulus pulled his mobile out and pulled out the video.
“Holy fuck, ” Frank announced. “I… need a drink,” Frank declared. Sirius snickered.
“I wanna see!” Marlene declared brightly, and the entire group crowded around Regulus’ mobile to see the video. “That’s amazing, oh my god. And to think, he was swinging you around like a ragdoll.”
Sirius helpfully translated the sentiment for Regulus, who grinned.
“Nous voulons rendre l'ISU très en colère,” Regulus reported.
“They want to make the ISU very angry, apparently,” Sirius supplied.
“I don’t get how you can be so tiny and so strong,” Frank admitted. Sirius laughed as he translated the sentiment.
“J’suis pas minuscule ,” Regulus replied, with a frown.
“He’s really not tiny, mate,” James agreed. “Look at his arms, they’re so defined.”
“They’re still easily a fraction of mine,” Frank dismissed. Sirius wheezed as he translated the statements for Regulus.
“As-tu une formation d'autodéfense, Frank?” Regulus asked pleasantly.
“Reg, nous n'avons pas d'espace pour le sparring,” Sirius replied.
“Bien sûr que nous le faisons, nous n'avons qu'à déplacer la table basse,” Regulus pouted.
“Non. Not inside,” Sirius vetoed. “Our sitting room is not a gymnasium.” He repeated himself in French.
“Apparently Regulus wanted to know if you have self defense training, and Sirius said that there isn’t space for sparring. Regulus tried to suggest moving the coffee table,” Alice reported, having followed the exchange on her mobile.
“Huh. Catch me outside some time and we can go,” Frank nodded. When Sirius translated it, Regulus lit up with a grin.
“Bon,” Regulus declared. “Qui sont les chiants qui boivent du vin rosé doux?” Who are the pains in the ass that want to drink sweet rosé wine?
“Reg. For fuck’s sake,” Sirius sighed dramatically. “No one translate that one, he doesn’t mean it.”
“Too late,” Dorcas chirped. “...Bitches? Did you really call us bitches?”
Sirius startled. “No. No, he did not call you bitches. Chiant is–literally related to shitting. A pain in the ass.”
“...It translated as bitches,” Dorcas held up her mobile.
“...Huh. Now I wonder how much Reg is actually getting from our conversations. Anyway, who wants what to drink?” Sirius asked, before taking over the process of distributing drinks.
In the end, they decided to postpone game night in favor of enjoying the cupcakes James and Lily had brought. Regulus tuned out most of the discussion, because trying to follow on his mobile got too complicated as the group started overlapping in enthusiastic discussion. He spent most of the time watching either his brother or James. Both were extremely enthusiastic speakers, and as he watched, he realized that Sirius had definitely picked up James’ particular way of talking with his hands. Their movements were almost identical, and both of them repeatedly nearly hit whoever was sitting next to them. Unfortunately for Regulus, this meant that he repeatedly had to try and gently block incoming hands, because he was seated between them.
When everyone had moved on to at least their third drink, Regulus had started to regret his decision to involve alcohol in the evening. While no one was outright drunk, there was a looseness to everyone that was starting to put him on edge.
James in particular, while not overwhelming, had started throwing in friendly touches to Regulus’ hand and wrist in a way he had absolutely no idea how to handle.
“J’vais commencer la vaisselle,” Regulus announced.
“Ew, dishes,” Sirius replied. “I’ll help I guess,” Sirius groaned.
“I’ll help!” James immediately chirped as he realized Regulus was compiling dishes. Lily joined in a heartbeat later.
“D’acc,” Regulus said, automatically, even though escaping an increasingly relaxed James was part of his whole reason for escaping to the kitchen. James was, at the very least, extremely efficient at carrying dishes to the sink.
They made it through Regulus washing the dishes, with Lily and Sirius drying them, but the instant that Regulus started stretching to put them away, things radically shifted, even though he highly doubted anyone except him actually noticed the change.
“Oh my god, your arms are unreal ,” James announced, with slack-jawed awe as he watched Regulus reach up to put a plate away. Though Regulus saw it coming, the overly familiar touch that James initiated had every single nerve alight with panic. Regulus dropped the plate immediately, one hand reaching for the hand on his bicep, and the other pulling the balisong his brother was absolutely, under no circumstances, supposed to know he always carried with him.
If he’d been paying attention, he might’ve even enjoyed the fact that he’d definitely made Sirius scream with the way he flipped the knife open.
It took far less effort to shove James into the far wall than he anticipated, mostly because James hadn’t expected it at all, and therefore put up zero resistance. Regulus’ grip on his arm was undoubtedly bruising, and he’d knocked all of the air out of his lungs, but compared to the knife firmly pressed into James’ stomach, that was ultimately not remotely a problem.
“Oh my god!” Lily’s exclamation was the first sound to actually break through Regulus’ haze, but it didn’t actually do much to his current state, as he was frozen between the need to deal with the perceived threat, and the cognitive dissonance of perceiving James as a threat.
“Uh, Reg?” James asked, weakly, after he’d managed to draw a breath. “Maybe… you could put the knife away? Siri? Can you say that in French?”
“Tu vas bien, Reg,” Sirius managed, but his voice was broken and shaking and it only increased Regulus’ sense that something was wrong . “Reg–”
“Holy fuck, that is–” Frank cut off, but with the sudden presence of literally all of the group joining them in the tiny kitchen, Regulus’ panic kicked up several notches. He let go of James, but only so that he could try and find a path through with minimum damage.
“Reg, Reg, it’s okay, tu vas bien, Jesus, guys, clear out ,” Sirius instructed, the last in biting anger aimed at his friends. “Sitting room, the lot of you, now,” Sirius demanded. Regulus flipped his knife a few times, mostly to keep himself calm, but it had the opposite impact on his audience.
“Right, right okay,” James said, before physically grabbing Frank’s arm to tug him out of the kitchen, following after the rest of the group.
“I–” Lily cut off when Sirius outright glared at her.
“We’ll talk as soon as I handle this, okay?” Sirius snapped, and Lily nodded after a moment. When the only person who he could see was Sirius, Regulus managed to draw a full breath. “Reg. You need to put the knife away. Tu dois ranger le couteau.” Regulus didn’t reply, but he did close the knife, keeping it at the ready to deploy if he needed to. “Okay. Okay. Where are you, bunny? Où es-tu? Est-ce que ça va?”
Regulus shook his head. He wasn’t okay, that much was certain.
“Okay. Okay,” Sirius took a deep breath. “I’m gonna touch you. Please don’t kill me? Ne me tue pas, s’il te plait,” Sirius requested, before reaching for the knife clutched in Regulus’ hand. Immediately, Regulus took as many steps backward as he could, until he hit the far wall of the kitchen, even though it immediately put him farther from where he wanted to go, which was either his closet or the bathtub. “Fuck,” Sirius looked genuinely scared, when Regulus managed to focus on the fact that he was actually looking at his brother . “De quoi as-tu besoin?” What do you need?
“Sécurité,” Regulus managed.
“Safety. Okay. Okay. Tu veux aller dans ta chambre?” Do you want to go to your room?
Regulus nodded immediately, and so quickly that he was nearly dizzy from it. Sirius immediately moved out of the kitchen, and when Regulus tentatively followed, Sirius was firmly planted in the passageway to where all of his friends were, blocking the way so that Regulus could get to his room without anyone interfering.
It would be mortifying later, but Regulus bolted for his room, slamming the door behind him and then heading for the closet. He didn’t even bother grabbing a blanket on the way as he curled up in the darkened space and promptly let the panic take over. There was absolutely no possibility that he wasn’t heard, because the sobs were very nearly screams as they tore their way out of his throat.
The last thing Sirius wanted was to leave Regulus alone, practically screaming, and apparently in possession of a lethal weapon. But, his brother hadn’t seemed to want comfort and there were other people to contend with, at the moment.
“So, uh. Things are more complicated than any of us understood, huh?” James asked, when Sirius joined them in the sitting room and just sort of stared for a long moment.
“Did he hurt you?” Sirius asked, instead of answering the question.
“Nah,” James said, and he looked almost cheerful about it. “Gotta say, if he wants to do that when he’s not upset, I’m down.”
Lily looked exasperated and fond at that response.
“Please don’t encourage him. I had no idea he was armed,” Sirius sighed. “He’s dangerous enough before adding the knives in.”
“So obviously we knew he had some… issues, what with the scars, but like, for real, is he… okay?” Dorcas asked. It appeared Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary were actively restraining each other from getting up to go and check on Regulus through the use of a group hug.
“No,” Sirius admitted. “He hasn’t explicitly said he’s not but like…” Sirius hesitated. “Fuck, it’s his health, I don’t want to tell anything I shouldn’t but also this is– fuck .”
“How about we… guess a little?” Lily suggested. “I’d guess he has some pretty severe PTSD, at the very least.”
Sirius’ shoulders relaxed, immediately. “Yeah. It’s–it’s not great,” Sirius confirmed. “I had no idea this was… part of it. I’m sorry, Prongs, really.”
“Nah, it’s on me, that was my fault,” James said, immediately. “I mean, I didn’t expect that much of a response, but I was touching him more than I should, without asking, apparently.”
“You were. You were making him uncomfortable before he decided to do the dishes, and all you were doing was touching his hand,” Lily reported softly, and James winced.
“So it’s on me. Like, obviously, glad I did not get stabbed, even if I also am curious what that would be like, but also , I was clearly ignoring boundaries and signals that Lils saw.”
Sirius dropped his head into his hands.
“Well, this has been an adventure. I think we should all get out of your hair so you can handle… the repercussions,” Alice declared, but it was with a firmness that no one argued with.
When everyone was gone, Sirius was left with the fact that Regulus was still sobbing, even if he had gone hoarse enough that volume was no longer an issue.
Regulus had absolutely no idea how long it was before his brother finally joined him, but he hadn’t managed to rein in the panic before Sirius flicked on his bedroom lights and the darkness of his closet disappeared. He didn’t put up resistance when his brother reached for his knife this time, because he was far too exhausted to manage it.
“Come on, bunny. It’s just us now, I promise,” Sirius murmured, his voice soft and even, and his expression full of calm. “Breathe with me, okay?” Sirius instructed, and Regulus did his best to match his breathing, to try and shove away the remainder of the panic attack. When his breathing finally stabilized, he crumpled and collapsed into his brother. Sirius barely managed to catch him with a quiet “oof,” of surprise. “It’s okay. You’re okay,” Sirius assured, as he pushed Regulus’ damp curls back from his forehead. “No one’s hurt, including you.”
“James is okay?” Regulus clarified, his accent thicker than usual and his voice absolutely ruined .
“James is fine. He’s curious about being stabbed and would be a-okay with you shoving him around if you wanted to do it out of not-fear. He also is very sorry that he overstepped on touching you, because Lily noticed you were uncomfortable well before he got extra-touchy.”
Regulus flushed, his mortification only growing. “He did nothing wrong, it was just… I just…” Regulus whimpered, and pressed his face into Sirius’ shoulder. “Drunk men make me nervous.”
Sirius exhaled sharply. “Reg… did anyone… has anything… happened? With drunk men?”
Regulus whined. “Not–not bad. Not too far. But only because I am prone to biting and… and stabbing.”
“People have tried to… touch you… inappropriately?” Sirius clarified.
Regulus’ derisive snort couldn’t have been suppressed even if he’d tried. “I do not know anyone born and socialized as a girl for whom inappropriate touching has not been a problem of some kind,” Regulus reported. Sirius exhaled sharply. “I just had the unfortunate luck of being with our Father on the weekends, when his associates were around, and they had… wandering hands. Father… Father sometimes had–” Regulus cut himself off.
“No. No, please don’t stop–our father ? Please Reg. I need you to… I need you to explain that for me,” Sirius requested desperately.
“Not… overtly sexual, but uncomfortable, and places I would have preferred not to be touched, places that… bordered sexual areas,” Regulus finally elaborated. “Usually he had some excuse. I do not–I do not want to keep speaking of this, Sirius, please.”
“Right. Right, okay. Okay, we should get your face washed. Tears get sticky,” Sirius said, allowing Regulus to refocus him. Regulus nearly collapsed when his brother helped him up, and despite the embarrassment of repeating the same situation as they’d gone through with Alphard, he let Sirius wash his face for him. “I’m going to make you some tea. Your voice sounds like your throat hurts.”
“It does,” Regulus confirmed. “I could not–I could not stop,” he couldn’t look at Sirius properly, shame curling in the pit of his stomach. “I am sorry. I am sorry that I could not stop.”
“No, Reg, that–that doesn’t–it’s okay. You… weren’t in control. It wasn’t your fault. But we are going to have a talk about your knife. Is it your only one?”
The panic was immediately back, almost violently, at the mere hint that his brother might attempt to take away his knives.
“Please let me keep them,” Regulus requested, and Sirius froze.
“How many knives do you have ?”
“Are you going to take them away? Please do not take them away, I need them. I cannot–please.”
Sirius exhaled sharply, and didn’t say anything else as he led Regulus back to the kitchen. He cleaned up the shattered plate, and made a cup of tea with honey, and still didn’t say anything, even as Regulus visibly waited for him to do so. Finally, after Regulus had had his entire cup of tea, Sirius came to a conclusion. “I really don’t want you to have them, but if they help, I’m also not going to take them away,” Sirius promised. “But I’d feel a lot better knowing how many you have and where you keep them.”
Regulus was silent for a long moment as he considered it. Then, he slowly started emptying his pockets, laying his two other knives on the counter, even though it left him unarmed. “There are four more in my room. I do not carry the stilettos often.”
“Those are switchblades,” Sirius said, and Regulus shrugged. “Where are you even getting knives like this?”
“Our father had very unfortunate but occasionally useful associates,” Regulus replied after a long moment. “In the case of the balisong, when someone stabs me, I keep the knife.”
“What?” Sirius actually reached out to steady himself on the counter. “Who stabbed you? How did–what–what happened?”
“Which time?” Regulus asked, as he put his knives back in his pocket.
“There were multiple times? How many times?” Sirius demanded, but it was weak, and he looked genuinely faint.
“Oh, several,” Regulus nodded. “All pas mal.”
“Yeah I’ve seen your definition of ‘not bad’ and now I’m terrified .”
“Our father has been stabbed by me, also. If we are discussing the stabbing.”
“What?” Sirius looked concerningly faint, so Regulus took his elbow to guide him to their dining room table.
“He stabbed me first, I stabbed him back, we agreed we were even. That was the second time he stabbed me. I had told him that if he did it again I would retaliate, so really, he was warned. He still did it a third time. I stabbed him again, as I warned.”
“Holy fuck,” Sirius breathed, before dropping his head down to rest his forehead on the table. “Who else?”
“Once a figure skater who wanted to be Evan’s partner. I told her that if she tried anything again I would… comment dit-on… tear out her intestines. She did nothing again,” Regulus looked genuinely amused to report this particular incident. “It was truly not bad, no stitches, even. And then there was… one of our father’s associates. From whom I took the balisong, as payment for the inconvenience. He was… the worst one.”
“Worst how?”
“In any way you can imagine,” Regulus shrugged. “He got the closest to… what we were discussing earlier. I was too much of a challenge, and he… tried to incapacitate me. Unfortunately for him, he merely armed me.”
“You didn’t like… Kill him or anything, right? You look like you could do that.”
“No, I did not kill him, though I regret not doing so. Father found us and I took the chance to flee, he will merely have some very obvious scarring for the rest of his life.”
“...Fuck.” Sirius didn’t raise his head, even after they’d been silent for several minutes. “Do I need to be worried about you stabbing my friends? Like? For real?”
“No,” Regulus decided after a moment. “If I were going to stab them, I would have stabbed James tonight. I was extremely stressed and he was a threat, at least to my mind. But I also was able to register that it was not truly him who was the threat, even if I could not actually process what was happening in a proper capacity. But I did not even break his skin, so I think… I think it should be safe?”
“You don’t sound certain,” Sirius sighed.
“I am never certain of almost anything. Except that I love you and that I love Evan and Barty. Those are the things that I know for certain.”
Sirius finally looked up, but he looked utterly gutted. “Reg…”
“What? Those are happy things!”
“But that’s–that’s so few things,” Sirius whispered.
“Well, I am largely uncertain of the world,” Regulus shrugged. “It is scary, and complicated, and very few things are ever as they seem. I am okay as long as I have some certainties.”
“Do you at least know that we love you too?” Sirius asked, and Regulus hesitated for a long moment.
“I am… nearly certain that I know this,” Regulus finally answered, after a long pause. “I… try to be certain that I know this, but sometimes I have doubt.”
“Okay,” Sirius murmured. “But I do. I love you so, so much,” Sirius assured him, and despite the fact that he’d cried so long he’d run out of tears earlier, Regulus’ eyes stung with more tears.
“And I love you,” Regulus replied. “I… am sorry. That I… broke the plate, and I threatened your friend.”
Sirius exhaled sharply. “It’s okay, Reg. You didn’t do it on purpose. It’s–you don’t need to apologize. You had a trauma response.”
“...I… do not understand. I still did it. The fact that I could not think makes it worse .”
“No, no it really doesn’t. You were the most hurt by tonight, Reg, truly. I–do you understand that? You were the one who got hurt tonight, even though you could have hurt all of us.”
“But I was–” Regulus cut off. “It was my fault.”
“No, if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s our father’s fault for putting you in danger, and touching you inappropriately, and also stabbing you. But tonight was just… a bad night. And you don’t have to apologize because tonight being a bad night hurt you. ”
“You are confusing me again,” Regulus admitted. “I do not follow.”
“I–I don’t know how to explain differently,” Sirius said, apologetically. “But I do mean it, that it wasn’t your fault.”
“Did everyone hear me?” Regulus asked, after a long moment, and his voice shook. Sirius winced.
“Uh. Yeah. Unfortunately, everyone got… basically all of what happened tonight,” Sirius admitted. “And Lily called it that you have PTSD.”
“What?” Regulus asked, after a long moment trying to puzzle out the letters.
“Syndrome de Stress Post-Traumatique,” Sirius supplied.
“Traumatique?” Regulus repeated. “That… seems worse than I have experienced.”
“Reg, I have been stabbed zero times. Zero men have ever touched me in a way that is remotely inappropriate. Our mother… did a number on me, but she certainly never stabbed me. And I have PTSD.”
“It is not a competition!”
“Clearly it is, if you’re saying that what you’ve experienced wasn’t bad enough to be trauma,” Sirius replied, and it was the shortest that Regulus could ever remember his brother being with him. He flinched back from the tone automatically. “Sorry, sorry, that… isn’t fully fair. I know you’re struggling, bunny, but you’re–you’ve been through trauma. I’m absolutely certain of that. And I’m also absolutely certain that it gave you long term mental health issues, which we really need to get you in to talk to someone about. I thought the figure skating stuff was bad. This is–this is a whole ‘nother level, and it’s–it’s really bad, Reg.”
“I am sorry,” Regulus forced the apology out, around the phantom hand clenched around his throat and his rapidly pounding heart. “I am very sorry. J’suis prof–”
“Hey, hey, shh,” Sirius cut him off, as he took in how shaken Regulus looked. “I’m not angry with you, Reg, I promise. I’m sorry, that was too sharp. I–I’m not–I told you, I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. Right now included.”
“I…” Regulus trailed off and shook his head. “I do not know what you want from me.”
“I just… want you to recognize that what you went through isn’t normal, Reg. And that it hurt you, and that it’s okay for you to be hurt. And… and to keep letting me in, please.”
“...I will try,” Regulus finally said. “I am–I am too tired for this. I am going to sleep. I am… I am going to sleep in my closet. I cannot–I cannot do a bed tonight. Please do not ask me to.”
“Okay. Will you at least accept an extra duvet? To put on the floor?” Sirius replied, and after a moment, Regulus nodded. When his brother fetched the extra duvet, he even let him into his room so Sirius could pad the floor of his closet to his satisfaction.
The instant Sirius straightened, Regulus reached out for a tight, desperate hug. “I love you,” Regulus informed him, softly.
“I love you too, Reg. More than I love anyone, actually. You’re… you’re the most important person in my life,” Sirius whispered back.
Regulus’ heart nearly stopped at the sentiment, but he merely hugged Sirius more tightly. “You are… the most influential person in my life,” Regulus replied. “I do not know who is most important, but you… you hold the most power.”
“I promise that I’ll never intentionally use that to my advantage,” Sirius vowed. “I just… want you safe, Reg, truly. That’s all I want. D’accord?”
“J’suis d’acc,” Regulus replied, after a moment. His brother’s hug tightened, briefly.
“Feel free to get me if you need me. Or if you just… want company,” Sirius said, as he stepped back. “You’re only alone if you want to be.”
“Merci, Sirius,” Regulus murmured, and Sirius nodded, before he very visibly forced himself to walk away. Regulus stood in the middle of his room, feeling simultaneously everything and nothing for almost ten minutes before he forced himself to get ready for bed and headed for his closet, curling up in the darkness, sandwiched between duvets, and clutching his balisong to his chest for a sense of security.
Notes:
I highly recommend the Cemetary Girlz tbh. They’re putting out a new album soon, it’s very exciting. Excellent Gothic Post Punk (Deathrock/Darkwave/80s vampires/Metal vibes).
I'd simply Not Ever See any of Sirius' friends again, if I were Reg, tbh. Like oof. That's. Terribly mortifying. Fun to write, though!
(Currently in school and very ill--will be back to posting asap)!
Chapter 9: La Suite de Pas
Notes:
Hello, new friends! Welcome! So, I was very startled by an abrupt jump in my metrics for this fic, but thankfully my Beta Reader, Moormage14, was luckily on TikTok and knew that this fic had been recommended in some comments. I’m very delighted that you’re here!
I promise we'll be returning to figure skating and experiencing Hockey shortly! Not this chapter, though. This chapter features the hallmark of all of my fics, which is ANGST (in the form of hurt/comfort)! I hope you enjoy it!
Shout-out to Moormage14 for keeping me alive and for editing <33333
TW (stronger phrasing than actually appear in chapter <3): Suicidal ideation, discussions of self harm, discussions of suicide, mentions of an eating disorder, PTSD/Trauma responses
La Suite de Pas: Step Sequence
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus did not manage to sleep more than a few minutes at a time. At three am, when his alarm went off, he did the previously-unthinkable and texted Perenelle that he was very unwell and couldn’t attend training that morning but that he would try and be well enough the next day.
He received a text back almost immediately.
[Text from Perenelle] Tu as trop bu la nuit dernière? Ton frère a parlé d'une fête. ( Did you drink too much last night? Your brother spoke of a party.)
Regulus had never hated how chatty his brother was more. The realization that Sirius had warned Perenelle this was a possibility occurred slowly, and Regulus contemplated just going with it before he switched courses.
[Text from Regulus] Je crois que j'ai eu une sorte de… flashback? Je n'ai pas pu dormir du tout la nuit dernière. Je ne pourrais pas rester debout sans tomber parce que je suis fatigué. ( I believe I had some sort of flashback. I could not sleep at all last night. I could not stand without falling because I’m tired .)
There was a long pause, during which Regulus nearly began to panic. But then, Perenelle’s response came, and he was instantly in tears again.
[Text from Perenelle] Je suis désolé, Regulus, cela semble très difficile. Reste le plus possible. Si tu veux parler, n'hésite pas à me contacter. ( I'm sorry, Regulus, that seems very difficult. Please rest as much as you can. If you want to talk, don't hesitate to reach out. )
[Text from Regulus] Merci Beaucoup. a2m1 (Thank you, until tomorrow)
The instant he sent the text, he cringed at the informality, which while he would use it with Evan, Barty, and even Sirius and his friends, he never should have used with Perenelle.
[Text from Perenelle] O! C’est 2006! a2m1, Regulus! MDR ( Oh! It’s 2006! See you tomorrow, Regulus! Mort de Rire/Dying of Laughter/LOL )
[Text from Perenelle] Nicolas dit: tu es beaucoup trop jeune pour ça ( Nicolas says: you are much too young for that )
Regulus laughed softly, but it almost immediately veered into sobbing. Without replying to Perenelle, he did the only thing he could think of, while flipping open his balisong for an increased sense of security. It took longer than he would have liked to actually manage to start the video call, but then he waited and hoped that his friends would actually be awake to answer.
“Regulus? Ça va?” Evan was bleary eyed, but the first to connect. Almost immediately, he took in Regulus’ barely-illuminated but distinctly tear-stained face and the knife glinting in the light from his phone. “Ça va pas,” Evan answered for himself. Barty connected a mere breath after Evan’s answer.
“Oh, love,” Barty said immediately, his concern clear in a way Barty only ever displayed for exactly three people; Himself, Regulus, and Evan.
“I just used a-deux-emme-un in a text with Perenelle Flamel. She teased me but used emme-dé-erre. I was texting her to take off the morning.”
“You’re taking the morning off?” Barty was instantly far more awake. “Entirely?”
“Ouais,” Regulus confirmed, before rubbing his eyes with the back of the hand holding his balisong.
“I think we are starting at the end of the story, non? Are you in the closet, Reg?” Evan asked.
Regulus contemplated making a joke about being out, but Evan looked far too concerned for him to actually do it. “Ouais. C’est… sans danger.”
“Why are you in danger?” Barty asked, looking even more concerned.
“I am not. But my brain… is not convinced that I am not. I nearly stabbed one of Sirius’ friends. He merely… felt my arm without asking. While… pompette.”
“People who are tipsy are very upsetting for you, especially when they touch you,” Evan said, and it was incredibly gentle.
“I did not think they would be if they were not middle aged,” Regulus sighed. “I could have hurt him! I like him! I do not want to hurt him!”
“Did you remember he was him, though, Reg?” Barty asked, gently. Regulus hesitated. “Yeah. You don’t need to blame yourself. Sometimes brains get confused about what the threat actually is, that’s all.”
Regulus’ tears increased substantially, and he tucked his head down, even though it meant his friends couldn’t really see him.
“Regulus, mon astre amoureux,” Evan coaxed, softly. “Tu vas bien, mon ciel étoilé. It is going to be alright.”
“I want to die,” Regulus admitted. “I would rather die than see any of them again. They all heard me. After–after I let go of James, and got to my room, I–I fell apart. I was screaming . They heard me. All of them. All of les amis de Sirius.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Barty murmured. “I promise none of them are going to think badly about you. Who hasn’t fallen apart like that?”
“Surely all of them have at some point,” Evan agreed.
“Sirius says–Sirius I have le Syndrome de Stress Post-Traumatique,” Regulus murmured. “And that I need to–need to see someone about it. So perhaps not all of them.”
Barty and Evan were silent for a long moment. “No, surely it has to be at least relatively common,” Evan declared after a moment. “After all, we have all three done it. Often. That is 100%.”
“I do not think we are an average sample,” Regulus admitted. “Apparently, parents stabbing their children is not that common.”
“What? No,” Barty replied, making a sound of disbelief. “We’re at least once, each of us! What is the likelihood of that happening if it’s uncommon?”
“Sirius has been stabbed zero times. No one. Ever.”
“He’s lying,” Barty replied, immediately. “He has to be. Never? By no one?”
“I will Google it,” Evan declared. A few minutes ticked by, with him growing increasingly frustrated. “I cannot find statistics. I cannot decide if that means it is common or not.”
“I wonder if James has been stabbed before,” Regulus admitted. “He seemed… okay. While he was being pinned to the wall with a knife.”
“I mean, with you doing it, it would take a stronger man than either of us not to enjoy it on some level, even if you are distressed while doing it,” Evan offered, in a tone that indicated he was just being reasonable. It made Regulus smile, despite his tears.
“I will pin you to the wall any time you would like, chéri,” Regulus replied, and despite his slight congestion from crying, his voice still came out as a purr. Evan was very nearly distracted from their earlier topic of conversation, and when he opened his mouth with a smirk, his boyfriend cut him off.
“As much as I adore our flirting, I’d like to refocus. Reg. When you say you want to die, how seriously are we talking?” Barty asked, and immediately, Evan’s smirk dropped away to be replaced with genuine concern.
“I–I do not have a plan,” Regulus replied. “But I think that I am one thing that is wrong away from having a plan.”
“Okay,” Evan murmured. “Mon astre, you need to tell your brother that. You need to let him be there for you, because we cannot physically help.”
“I do not want to see him,” Regulus admitted. “I am–I must have embarrassed him, as well. James is his best friend. What if he is angry?”
“Did he seem angry last night?”
“No,” Regulus admitted. “He seemed… scared. And concerned. And–and horrified. Which is…”
“Just as bad,” Barty finished with a visible wince. “We need you to talk to him anyway, Reg, for us. Please, love, can you do that?”
“I–” Regulus’ voice stuck in his throat, but after a moment, he nodded.
“You can call us back if it doesn’t go well,” Barty promised. “I–I can skip school today, if it has to happen.”
“No, your father would kill you,” Regulus protested immediately. “And we all know that when he is angry that is not an exaggeration.”
Barty’s expression was full of uncertainty. “I’d rather take that risk than risk you, Regulus,” Barty murmured. “How about this: you make it through until tea time, and I’ll find a way to come see you this afternoon?”
“I can–I do not–you do not need to… you have your extracurriculars,” Regulus finally said.
“One day isn’t going to hurt. No one will care, I’ll say I have some errands to run that conflict. They won’t tell him for one day,” Barty said, and after a moment, Regulus nodded. “Okay, okay, good. Good, thank you, Reg,” Barty looked genuinely relieved. “So you talk to your brother, and I’ll see you later,” Barty promised.
“Okay,” Regulus agreed. “I–Okay.”
“You can do it, mon chéri, I promise,” Evan murmured. “You will be okay.”
“I love you, both of you.”
“I love you too,” Barty and Evan replied in perfect unison.
“Go talk to your brother, love,” Barty urged, and Regulus nodded before he ended the call and forced himself to head for his brother’s bedroom. He crept into the room, and carefully headed for Sirius’ bed. The instant he crawled into bed with him, Sirius was awake, abruptly.
“Reg? Ça va?” Sirius murmured, automatically reaching out to tug Regulus in for a hug that immediately had Regulus in tears again.
“Non,” Regulus admitted. “Evan et Barty… they say I need to tell you something. But I can wait to tell you, it is early. I am not going to training,” Regulus whispered, and Sirius was instantly even more awake.
“Oh, boy. Okay, that’s a bad sign, isn’t it?” Sirius asked. Regulus didn’t answer until he had shifted to bury his face in Sirius’ shoulder, and then his answer came just as a nod. “You gonna tell me what’s wrong, bunny?”
“Later. Sleep now,” Regulus requested. Sirius heaved a sigh.
“Okay. But only because you sleeping seems like it happens far less than it should,” Sirius replied. Regulus nodded again, before closing his eyes and letting himself relax as much as he ever could.
Sirius’ even breathing lulled him into sleep faster than he’d ever fallen back asleep in his memory.
Like they often did when he was sleeping alone, Regulus’ nightmares were responsible for when he awoke. In this case, however, it was because Sirius was singing to him, quiet words Regulus couldn’t puzzle out around the sound of his own sobs, which apparently had started before he’d even awoken. Sirius’ grip on him was painfully tight, but it actually helped to ground him.
It took almost ten minutes after he awoke for him to manage to stop crying, and several minutes longer than that for him to manage to catch his breath.
“Better?” Sirius asked, and Regulus managed a miserable nod. “What were you dreaming about, bunny?” Sirius sounded painfully hesitant, as he stroked his fingers through Regulus’ hair. There was no way for Regulus to hide his flinch when they were so intertwined.
“Father,” Regulus finally rasped. “I was dreaming about our Father.”
“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered, followed by a kiss pressed to Regulus’ temple. “I’m so sorry, bunny.”
“You must dream about our Mother the same,” Regulus protested. Sirius froze, before exhaling sharply.
“Yes. I used to, especially after I first… left. It’s gotten better, now,” Sirius replied. Silence fell between them for a long moment, until Sirius continued. “Bunny, why aren’t you training today?”
Regulus cringed, before pressing his face more firmly into Sirius’ shoulder.
“I am… unwell. Shaky. Would not be able to stand on skates,” Regulus answered. “Could not sleep,” he added.
“And what did Barty and Evan say you needed to tell me?” Sirius’ tone was gentle and even affectionate, and his touch was soft, but Regulus still cringed again.
“I am one thing away from having a plan to kill myself,” Regulus admitted, and Sirius’ hand hesitated where he was rubbing Regulus’ back.
“What do you need from me to help keep you safe, Bunny?” Sirius asked, and his tone was the same, as though Regulus hadn’t just introduced suicide into the discussion. Relief hit Regulus hard enough to make him breathless.
“I just… need company. Barty will come over, this afternoon, if that is okay, but I just–I need someone, so that if something else goes wrong, I am not… left to my own devices.”
“You got it,” Sirius’ tone had shifted almost to cheerfulness. “A day of brotherly bonding. As lowkey or as absurd as you want it to be.”
“Je t’aime,” Regulus managed, after a long moment. “Tu es le meilleur frère."
“Aww, I don’t know about the best brother. You’ve got that pretty much covered,” Sirius replied. Regulus sniffled. “You are, Reg. Couldn’t imagine a better brother than you.”
“I am–I–” Regulus’ voice broke, and he whimpered. “Even after I threatened your friend?”
“Oh, bunny,” Sirius whispered, shifting so that he was hugging Regulus even more tightly. “You didn’t really threaten my friend, though. You just had a flashback and didn’t remember who you were threatening.”
Regulus couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. “They heard me. I want to die. They all saw and they all heard.”
“Oh, Reg. No one’s angry at you,” Sirius whispered. “No one thinks badly of you, either.”
“I am–I am–they know. They know that I am not–that I am pretending.”
Sirius was silent for a long moment, but it was filled with several kisses to Regulus’ temple and cheek. “We’re all pretending at something. They just know that your something is a little bit bigger than most of them are used to,” Sirius finally said.
“James pretends, aussi?” Regulus asked, and Sirius was silent for a long moment, before he sighed.
“James… he’d tell you if you asked this, but yeah, James pretends all the time. James pretends that nothing in his life ever goes wrong, because he feels like other people have it worse, so he doesn’t ever want to admit, even to himself, that his life isn’t absolutely perfect.”
Regulus couldn’t believe Sirius had offered the information as easily as he had, especially when it wasn’t actually hadn’t been Sirius’ to offer. “James would tell me that?”
“Yeah,” Sirius confirmed. “Without much hesitation. It’s his thing he’s been working on, this year. We’re all pretending at different things,” Sirius reiterated.
“What do you pretend at?” Regulus asked after a moment.
“I pretend to not be depressed,” Sirius answered after a significant pause. “I pretend I’m happy, and that I don’t have very many real cares in the world. I… think I pretend probably like you do. That the trauma isn’t there, that it didn’t shape me. Hell, I pretend not to know much about figure skating, so I’m worse than you in some ways, because I straight up hide my past from my friends just because it’s painful to revisit. God forbid they find out about the ballet, I’d die.”
“...But you do not mean that you’d try to die.”
“No, I don’t. Figure of speech. I’d be mortified.”
“I want to literally cause my death when I am mortified,” Regulus whispered.
“I’m getting that. I don’t understand, not really, but also–I kinda do,” Sirius was silent for an extremely long moment. “I–during the first year I was with the Potters, I considered it briefly,” Sirius admitted. “But never–never with any serious intent. I was lucky, I had them. If I hadn’t had them, I wouldn’t have–I would’ve been a mess. Effie got me into therapy the instant she could find someone not about to turn me over to our mother, that helped… a lot.”
“Do you like therapy?”
“Eh. I don’t like how much work it is, but it… helps. It helps a lot. I think you’ll find it good, too, provided we can find you someone you connect with. Connecting with your therapist is kind of key to having therapy… work.”
Regulus heaved a sigh at that idea, but nodded again after a moment. “I mean, I will try it,” Regulus said. “I will try very hard.”
“I know you will, Reg. You don’t try half-heartedly at anything.”
“I suppose not,” Regulus agreed after he thought it over. “I… think I need to get up,” Regulus admitted. “Otherwise I will start thinking about things I do not want to think about.”
“Right, then,” Sirius said, and it was back to sounding almost cheerful. “I think we should head for viennoiserie. You like l’oranais,” Sirius commented casually, and Regulus froze immediately. “Is that not still true?”
“No, it is true, I just… did not expect you to recall it,” Regulus managed.
“Go get dressed, bunny,” Sirius said, gently. “I know someplace even you will approve of the viennoiserie and coffee.”
“I have high standards,” Regulus warned, and Sirius laughed.
“I know, bunbun,” Sirius assured him fondly, and Regulus’ heart clenched at the nickname. “You always have, even in Paris . Go, get dressed. Something warm, it’s chilly out.”
“I am a figure skater, I am immune to the cold,” Regulus replied, and Sirius snorted.
“Sure you are,” Sirius agreed, and Regulus smiled, despite his efforts not to, at how warm and fond his brother sounded.
In the end, Regulus ended up in light wash skinny jeans and a light pink sweatshirt with red, cursive text that simply read merde . As far as skin exposure, it was easily the most conservative outfit he’d put on when not skating. His brother’s reaction to it, however, was just as pronounced as when he’d been wearing next to nothing.
“I cannot believe how–how–” Sirius started, before he broke off into disbelieving laughter. It took several long minutes for Sirius to stop laughing, but he looked torn between outrage and delight. “You manage to make even something entirely conservative offensive to someone, it’s practically a skill.”
“It is a skill, one I have worked very hard at,” Regulus declared. “But this sweatshirt is only offensive if you speak French.”
“I guarantee people who don’t know French know that that says ‘shit’ in French,” Sirius replied. “I love it. You look good in pink.”
“I look better in black,” Regulus shrugged. “It is fun, though. I enjoy it, with the light colors.”
“It’s hilarious,” Sirius declared. “It’s fabulous. Please tell me you’re going to wear it to practice one day.”
“Probably, I have in the past,” Regulus nodded. Sirius laughed again, but it felt like Regulus had told a particularly funny joke, not like his brother was laughing at him.
“Love it. Alright, you ready?”
“Mhmm,” Regulus agreed. After a brief hesitation once they left the flat, Regulus reached out and grasped his brother’s hand in his. Sirius looked at him with blatant surprise, before his expression softened into a smile, and he linked their fingers much more securely.
The walk was much shorter than Regulus expected, but he relaxed the instant Sirius placed their order in French. He mostly tuned out the small talk, offering polite greetings and smiles that looked genuine enough when Sirius started explaining who he was, all without letting go of his hand, even though his other hand was moving emphatically along with his speech.
“Alors, quel est ton verdict?” The proprietor of the café asked Regulus once Regulus’ coffee and viennoiserie had at least been sampled. So, what is your verdict?
“C’est bon,” Regulus replied, with a genuine smile. Sirius laughed again, the sound genuine and bright.
“De lui, c’est une grande louange,” Sirius informed the proprietor. From him, that’s great praise.
“Bien, alors, merci beaucoup!" the proprietor beamed.
“Qui les a faits?” Regulus managed, even though the enthusiasm was intimidating. The proprietor’s smile somehow grew.
“Ma fille, Yvette,” There was such pride in his voice that Regulus automatically froze. A second later, a group entered the shop, and the moment passed. “Bonne journée!” The proprietor wished, as Sirius and Regulus immediately started to head for the door.
“Merci beaucoup, Lucien!” Sirius called. “See, I told you I knew someplace that would please even you,” Sirius added in a softer, teasing voice.
“You did, and you were correct,” Regulus agreed, warmly.
They headed towards the canal and found someplace to sit, even though the wind was on the cooler side to sit outside for long.
“This is nice,” Regulus decided, leaning into Sirius’ side. His brother wrapped an arm around him, as he would have done when they were young.
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, softly.
They fell into silence, but it was an easy sort of silence that came with a great deal of comfort.
In the end, the day turned into poking around Camden Market until it was nearly tea time, and therefore nearly time for Barty to hopefully show up at their flat. By the time Sirius and Regulus finally returned, Regulus was feeling exhausted, but far less prone to any dramatic reactions.
“So… check in time?” Sirius prompted quietly, and Regulus froze. “There are no wrong answers.”
“I… feel better. Not well, but like I am… not going to react too poorly if anything goes wrong. I am… very tired, though,” Regulus answered. “I think tomorrow, I will be much better. Thank you, for today. It felt… it felt… like when we were small, but better.”
“Well, we weren’t breaking any rules, today,” Sirius said, and it was with a gentle tone Regulus had never heard from his brother before. As soon as the words registered, Regulus’ eyes filled with tears. “Oh, shit, oh, hey, bunny, you’re okay.”
“Sorry,” Regulus mumbled, before just heading in for a tight, desperate hug instead of trying to use words to convey anything he was feeling.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Sirius soothed, rocking him from side to side for several long moments. “What are you feeling, Reg?”
“Grateful. Grateful for you. And sad. I do not know why I’m sad,” Regulus admitted. “But I am sad.”
“Okay,” Sirius murmured. “That’s okay. It’s okay to be sad. You’re allowed to be sad without knowing why.”
For some reason, the reassurance only worsened Regulus’ tears. Even if he hadn’t been clinging to his brother, there was no way he could’ve hidden the fact that he startled dramatically when their doorbell rang.
“Go wash your face, Reg, I’ll get the door,” Sirius murmured, and even though Regulus didn’t want to wait to see Barty, he did as he was told.
“C’mon in, Crouch,” Sirius greeted.
“Please call me Barty, Crouch is my father’s name,” Barty requested as he stepped into the flat.
Sirius blinked, before he looked genuinely apologetic. “Of course, Barty. Reg’ll be here in a second. Want a cuppa?”
“Sure,” Barty agreed, but it was with slight wariness.
“I’m not going to use a name that makes you uncomfortable, kid,” Sirius assured. “I’m a dick, but not that kind of dick. What do you take in your tea?”
It looked as though it was very much in spite of himself, but Barty laughed. Sirius’ grin turned very smug. “Just a splash of milk. Thanks,” Barty replied.
Regulus looked fond when he reappeared, though he also looked still on the verge of tears. Unlike the first time Sirius had watched them reunite, the kiss that Barty pulled Regulus in for was the very definition of tender. Sirius disappeared into the kitchen to avoid watching the intimate moment that followed, with Barty pressing his forehead against Regulus’ and holding him like he was precious.
When he returned several minutes later, they hadn’t moved. “Tea’s ready if you want to move to the sitting room,” Sirius said, and it came out with his earlier gentleness.
“Merci, Sirius,” Regulus murmured, and it wasn’t just for the tea he held out to them.
Sirius wasn’t surprised when heading to the sitting room meant Regulus curled up practically in Barty’s lap.
“Is school a good topic or do you hate it as much as Reg did?” Sirius asked as he joined them and Barty laughed again.
“I hate school for entirely different reasons,” Barty replied. “I wouldn’t hate it, if it wasn’t, well. A prestigious Public school, and my father makes the rest of the Old Citizens look like saints.”
“Sounds like hell,” Sirius looked sympathetic.
“Oh it is,” Barty nodded, but it was with a cheerful grin. “Don’t worry, though, I cause plenty of mischief. I hear that was rather your Modus Operandi.”
“Fuck, I don’t think I’ve heard anyone except Reg and academics use the full Latin,” Sirius’ reaction was entirely out of surprise. Barty raised an eyebrow. “I really misjudged you.”
“You’re assuming I’m not an academic,” Barty commented, with a hint of a smirk. “Do you really think Regulus and Evan would put up with me if I weren’t academically inclined?”
“You have other uses,” Regulus declared immediately. “Not just your immense and impressive dedication to Medieval European history which rarely becomes useful in anything except trivia.”
“I’m sorry, you’re an aspiring Medievalist ?” Sirius looked doubtful.
“Your tone implies surprise,” Barty’s grin had widened. “I happen to be able to read Latin, Old English, and Old French.”
“And those are just the old languages,” Regulus added with a proud smile. “Do not mistake Barty’s flair and penchant for mischief for a lack of intelligence.”
“I… don’t even know what to do with this,” Sirius admitted. “Just… why?”
“It was interesting, and made my father very angry,” Barty shrugged. “I didn’t need any more reason than that.”
“Fair enough, I suppose,” Sirius replied, but it was after a long pause. “Uh. So, annoying big brother time. If I weren’t here what would you two be doing?”
“This,” Regulus answered, without any hesitation at all. “We don’t–it is–ah,” Regulus paused to collect his thoughts. “I don’t like to do… very much, when I feel like this. I like… to be held,” Regulus admitted.
Sirius’ expression went through several emotions before it settled on sympathetic. “Fair enough. Well then, I’ll leave you to it. If you need anything, just say the word,” Sirius declared as he headed for his bedroom.
Regulus blinked after his brother for a long moment before setting his and Barty's tea aside so that he could climb into Barty's lap properly. Immediately, Barty wrapped his arms tightly around him.
"If I fall asleep, will you hate me?" Regulus managed after a long moment.
"Never, love," Barty promised with a kiss to Regulus’ temple. After a moment, Regulus tucked his head down and let himself properly relax.
Regulus snapped awake when his brother returned, but Barty immediately did his best to try and soothe away the burst of anxiety.
"Sorry, lapinou, I didn't mean to startle you. I was just worried about the time. It's half five."
"Shit, you need to leave, you'll be late," Regulus immediately started to pull away from Barty, but Barty caught him to press their foreheads together again.
"It's gonna be okay, babe," Barty murmured, with a smirk. Immediately Regulus recoiled, with offense that was only partially refrained.
"Eugh! Keep to Evan with bab e!" Regulus demanded, but it was with a genuine laugh.
"Hmm, not when it works so well on you," Barty replied.
"Terrible. T'es terrible," Regulus announced and despite his brother's sound of protest, he pulled Barty in for a thorough kiss. "Et je t'aime."
"Et je t'aime," Barty echoed, as he stole another quick kiss. "Take care, Reg. Please."
"I will, I promise," Regulus replied. When Barty properly pulled away, Regulus couldn't pretend it didn't hurt, even if it was necessary. "I'll text you," Regulus promised.
"You better," Barty declared, but it was warm. "Thank you," he added to Sirius, as he stood up.
"Genuinely, any time it's safe for you to be here, you're welcome, Barty. I might tease, but I just want Reg happy."
Barty's smile turned soft in a way Regulus was tempted to photograph for Evan. "Glad to hear it," Barty replied. "He won't say this so I will. He'd sleep better if he were sleeping next to you."
"Barty!" Regulus' horror didn't even remotely have to be feigned.
"And that's my cue to leave! Bye, Reg, I love you!" Barty declared as he literally bolted for the door.
Regulus looked more flummoxed than horrified by the time the door of the flat shut carefully behind Barty.
“So. Co-Sleeping. Something that would help?” Sirius looked casual, but Regulus still froze.
“Historically, it helps to have Barty or Evan with me. You are as safe, if not safer than them, so it is likely… it would help. It helped this morning, and–and the other night,” Regulus admitted.
“Then we’ll try that at least for a few nights,” Sirius declared. “Is there anything you want for dinner?”
“No, just a mo, please,” Regulus requested. “You–I will wake you. You’re okay with that?”
“Mhmm,” Sirius replied. “I told you that the second night you were here. I’d rather you wake me than be suffering alone, Reg, genuinely. Please,” Sirius truly seemed to mean the sentiment, even though it left Regulus paralyzed with fear for a long moment.
“Alright. We… can try it,” Regulus finally granted. Sirius’ expression shifted to genuine relief.
“Thank you,” Sirius breathed. “Now. Anything off limits for dinner?”
“Meat,” Regulus said, but it wasn’t a joke like it should have been, nor like he wanted it to be.
“You got it,” Sirius confirmed, leaning in to drop a kiss to the top of Regulus’ head before he continued on with the task at hand.
Regulus had never felt more nervous than when he got washed up and headed towards his brother’s room, but the instant he joined Sirius, Sirius’ smile was so bright that he barely registered his anxiety for more than a half of a minute.
“C’mon. You look exhausted, Reg.”
“I am. I am very tired,” Regulus agreed. For a long moment after they both laid down, there was a significant amount of space between them. If not for the day they’d spent together how they’d spent it together, Regulus never would have managed to ask: “Can we cuddle?”
“Yeah, yeah we can cuddle,” Sirius agreed, and, almost without any hesitation, Sirius pulled Regulus into a secure embrace. Instantly, Regulus properly relaxed. “I’ve got you, Reg. You’re safe, and I’m gonna keep you that way,” Sirius assured. “I love you.”
“Je t’aime,” Regulus managed around the lump in his throat, and after nearly five minutes of staring into the darkness, contemplating his life, Regulus forced himself to close his eyes and try to sleep.
As it had that morning, it took Regulus very little time to fall asleep once he managed to focus on his brother and just his brother.
Notes:
Thank you for reading <3 I adore all forms of interaction with my fics but am honored you took the time to read <3
A bit about me as a person, because there are a LOT of new readers! I sadly do not have an update schedule for ANY of my fics, as a large portion of my life is dictated by an irregular studying/teaching/grading schedule and questionable health. I am in the 25-34 years old age demographic category, and a graduate student/teaching assistant irl.
My pronouns are he/it or il/lui, my adjectives are exhausted/bonkers, my adverbs are slowly/awkwardly, and my verbs are unearthed/screaming. I spend more time writing fanfic than is good for anything except producing a lot of fanfic (I’ve written over 750k words of fanfic in less than a year, and that’s just counting the 11 works posted to AO3).
Now! Self-promo time! If you are enjoying this fic, I would be extra honored if you considered checking out some of my other fics!
My completed fic, Mistigris, is a modern, muggle crime AU, and it is my pride and joy. (Completed WC: 110k). Featuring: morally grey characters, some delightful running metaphors, and Reg/Barty/Evan QPR, Jegulus, and Rosekiller <3 It also has a sequel which will hopefully be getting updated soon, and some prequel fic one-shots (and some nsfw outtakes if that’s your thing).
I have several Works in Progress, but my main Work in Progress is the Tea for the Tillerman series, which is a modern, muggle Band AU. Truly, this series is my real passion. Starting with its second work, Wild World, is my recommendation! It does however feature evil versions of Barty and Evan, and has a HEAVY rape/CSA TW. It is currently 209k words, and in progress.
Again, welcome to those who are new, and thank you for reading and I appreciate you all to everyone!!!
Chapter 10: La Spirale Cosmique
Notes:
Hello! Welcome to everyone new and welcome back to those of you who have been following this for a while! I’m sorry it took me a bit into December to actually get back but it's the end of term and I am literally swamped especially because my supervising prof has gone basically MIA and therefore I am the Only Teacher Accessible for a class that I should’ve been a secondary teacher for. Health has also been Not Great At All (aka turns out I Was Actually Probably Dying Again) so that’s also kept me from writing as much as hoped.
Shoutout to my dearest, Moormage14, my amazing beta reader, the light of my life, and without whom there would have been Untranslated French because I forgot translations were for readers not characters! <3 je t’adore <3
La Spirale Cosmique: Backward Inside Death Spiral
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Despite assuming he’d wake Sirius, the only time he woke his brother that night was when he pulled away to get up and head to training. Sirius was back asleep just as soon as he had Regulus’ reassurance of where he was going.
Regulus made it through training, meeting every challenge Perenelle threw at him along the way, but he was dragging his feet by the time he made it back to his and Sirius’ flat. He walked straight past his brother to flop down onto the sofa.
“Uh. You… alive, bunbun?” Sirius asked, and Regulus groaned.
“Perenelle is wonderful and I adore her but she is trying to aid me in dying,” Regulus reported, his tone flat and emotionless. Sirius snorted.
“Pretty sure it’s just because you’ve still not fully got back into a schedule, bun.”
“Eh, same thing,” Regulus replied. “I am tired now.”
“Yeah, I can tell. Did you have a snack?”
“Not after the second half,” Regulus admitted, and his tone didn’t change. There were several moments of Sirius moving around the kitchen before his brother joined him, handing over a protein shake and a sliced apple.
“I love you,” Regulus informed him, in the same tone.
“Yeah, I love you too, kid,” Sirius replied. “How’re you doing today? Mentally, I mean?”
“I don’t know,” Regulus admitted after a moment trying to evaluate it. “Better, I think, but I am… restless? I am… worried. About your friends.”
“D’you wanna try lunch with some of them?” Sirius asked. “So you can see no one’s mad? Or–basing it around food probably is a bad call, huh?”
“When do you practice? You and James and Frank. You must practice sometime.”
“Yep, but not like you do,” Sirius replied. “We’re–we’re not pros. I missed practice last night. They’ll be at open skate tonight. We could go,” Sirius was clearly trying to force casualness.
“All of them?”
“Most likely,” Sirius replied. “You could try texting the group chat.”
“Are you going to translate me?” Regulus perked up at the idea. Sirius snorted.
“Sure, I’ll translate you,” Sirius agreed.
Regulus hesitated for a moment.
“Do I just pretend that everything is… normal?”
“Do whatever feels best, kiddo,” Sirius replied, and after an even longer hesitation, Regulus finally pulled out his mobile.
[Text from Regulus] koi29
Immediately Sirius snorted before breaking down into laughter. “Fucking hell, Reg,” Sirius managed.
[Text from Sirius] “Quoi de neuf?”/ “What’s New?”
Regulus grinned at his brother’s lack of commentary, which to him read as blatant annoyance.
[Text from James] we’re going to open skate tonight! You should both come!! :D
Immediately Regulus’ breath caught painfully at the invitation.
[Text from Marlene] oh my god, yes please!! You’re so much fun to watch skate, Regulus!!
[Text from Regulus] xlnt, on a 1 rdv avec vs! Et mr6!!
Sirius heaved a dramatic sigh.
“Honestly, I know you know how to spell. I swear I taught you that much,” Sirius muttered.
[Text from Sirius] we’ll meet up with you all. He also said thank you. We’re going to have remedial spelling lessons, I think
“I know how to spell, you were very good at making sure I was always ahead of where I needed to be,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “This is just more fun. You should try it.”
“Then our friends would be very confused.”
Regulus tried to pretend to be entirely unaffected by Sirius’ choice of ‘our’. “It could be good for them to be confused,” Regulus tried to smile, but his brother seemed to see straight through the expression. Immediately, Sirius shifted to wrap an arm around Regulus, and once he was nestled against his side, pressed a couple of kisses to his temple.
[Text from Mary] Severus is sick today. Regulus, would you pretty please practice with me? I’ll beg if I have to
Regulus blinked several times at the text.
[Text from Regulus] Pas besoin de supplier, bien sur <3
“Oh so Mary gets proper words, huh?” Sirius was aiming for exasperation but he just sounded amused.
“I like Mary. Mary is sweet.”
“Yeah, she is,” Sirius agreed, softly. “I feel… really bad she’s partnered with Snape of all people.”
“You could partner with her,” Regulus pointed out.
[Text from Remus] Mary, please teach us the magic that means you received entire words.
[Text from Mary] But that would be telling ;)
Regulus' laughter was so loud he startled himself, and clapped a hand over his mouth.
[Text from Sirius] that got the best laugh I’ve heard from Reg since he was like four years old, Mary.
[Text from Sirius] mr6 bcp!!!!
Regulus’ laughter only got worse as Sirius joined him with terrible and pointless abbreviations. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he was nearly sobbing instead. Sirius held him even more tightly, as he tried to rein in the reaction.
“Ça va?” Sirius checked, when Regulus finally fell quiet.
“Ouais,” Regulus confirmed. “Désolé," Regulus added.
“You’re okay, bunbun,” Sirius assured him. “Are you sure you want to partner with Mary? It’ll involve touching.”
Regulus was silent for a moment. “I like Mary,” Regulus repeated. “I like Mary a lot.”
“You like James, too. Enough that you’d date him, given the opportunity,” Sirius pointed out. Regulus’ lips pursed at that addition.
“It will be okay, I think,” Regulus decided, and Sirius nodded.
“You know yourself best,” Sirius replied, decisively. Regulus wished he had even half of his brother’s assuredness. “And if it’s not okay, Mary has a brown belt in Krav Maga, so give her your worst.”
Regulus blinked, and then blinked again, before a large grin crept across his expression.
“Je l’adore,” Regulus declared. “Amazing. Incroyable, mais amazing.”
“Yeah,” Sirius grinned. “You don’t expect it, do you? She’s so… bubbly.”
“Amazing,” Regulus reiterated. He opened a new message, just to Mary.
[Text from Regulus] Sirius dit que tu sais krav maga. C’est trop cool! ( Sirius says that you know Krav Maga. That’s so cool!)
[Text from Mary] oh, thank you! It was for self defense at first but now I just like feeling strong!
[Text from Regulus] Tu es un patineur artistique! Tu allais toujours être forte! ( You’re a figure skater! You were always going to be strong!)
[Text from Mary] Not like you! Your quads are INSANE! But I suppose you’re right. Now I’m stronger, though, and no one expects it.
[Text from Regulus] Pour ce soir, en quoi consiste ta routine actuelle et me fais-tu confiance pour les levées? (For tonight, what’s your current routine, and do you trust me with lifts?)
[Text from Mary] I do trust you for lifts!! But we should probably start off with something lower-stakes, until we get a feel for each other. The death spiral went shockingly well considering we’ve never practiced together.
[Text from Regulus] J’ai la pratique de regarder les partenaires des deux côtés. Il aide beaucoup (I have practice watching partners from both sides. It helps a lot)
“Are you… just texting with someone? Is it Barty or Evan?” Sirius looked like he was putting in a great effort not to try and see Regulus’ mobile, and Regulus sincerely appreciated the effort.
“C’est Mary,” Regulus admitted, and Sirius’ genuinely surprised expression was actually somewhat rewarding. “About tonight,” Regulus added.
[Text from Mary] That makes sense!!
[Text from Mary] Honestly, lucky me! You can give me pointers. You and Evan move like you’re extensions of each other’s souls, honestly. You and Sirius did too. Can I learn that?
Regulus couldn’t help his flush at the statement and he took a screenshot immediately to send to Evan.
[Text from Regulus] Avec le bon partenaire, bien sûr ! (With a good partner, of course!)
“What did she say? You’re all… flustered,” Sirius looked suspicious when Regulus glanced up.
“She said that Evan and I move like we’re extensions of each other’s souls. And that you and I did, too,” Regulus answered, and wasn’t at all surprised when Sirius gaped at him for a long moment. “We do. Both of you know me perfectly. I cannot partner with anyone else, not seriously, not after the pair of you. Evan did not at first, we had to learn that. But he does, now, even after… I changed. Barty… can as well, but Barty…” Regulus hesitated. “Do not repeat this to anyone except Barty, Evan, or I, OK?”
“Yeah, of course. Just between us, Bunny,” Sirius confirmed, and Regulus managed a small smile.
“Barty can only skate as a lady, in pair skating. Like… dysphoria wise.”
“Is Barty–fuck, should I use different pronouns? No pronouns?” Sirius looked slightly panicked. Regulus tried and failed to hide his emotional reaction. He burrowed closer to his brother to try and hide his tears.
“Barty uses he/him pronouns, but also they/them. But he and il are not wrong or uncomfortable, at least at this point in time. He likes to mix il pronouns with feminine forms of words. He’s nonbinary, and when he has any opportunity, gender non-conforming however feels best,” Regulus finally answered.
“Evan is he/him?” Sirius checked, and Regulus nodded quickly.
“Evan is very much cis. He did proper exploration and came to that conclusion after a lot of thought, though. We’re very proud.”
Sirius was silent for a long moment, long enough that Regulus pulled back to see his brother’s expression instead of trying to hide his own. Sirius looked worried.
“What is it?”
“I… don’t think I am. Cis, that is,” Sirius finally admitted, and Regulus blinked at Sirius for a long moment. “I–didn’t know that was an option. He but also they.”
“...Oh,” Regulus finally managed, but it was around tears that fell the instant they welled up. He couldn’t keep himself still, as he all but threw himself at Sirius to resume a tighter hug. “It is. It very much is. I am, too, but only with other trans people. It feels… too… dangerous with cis people.”
“How does it… work?” Sirius asked, and Regulus hesitated. “Being… whatever that would be?”
“I can send you resources to read?” Regulus suggested. “I do not want to narrow your view too much, before you even know what identity feels most like you. I want… you to have a lot of perspectives. If that’s alright?”
“Yeah, of course, whatever you think is best,” Sirius confirmed, pulling back enough to wipe Regulus’ tears. “Why’re you crying, bun?”
“Ah. Mostly, I am… overwhelmed, I think. Not in a bad way. Just… proud, actually. I am proud of you.”
“Oh,” Sirius looked genuinely shocked.
“It is not easy to question your gender,” Regulus elaborated. “I am proud of you for not avoiding it.”
Sirius’ expression softened. “It’s easier when people around you already have and came out better for it,” Sirius replied. “At least, you seem to have.”
“We have. Very much,” Regulus nodded emphatically. “And when Barty is no longer with their father, we really will have.”
Sirius’ expression softened further. “Soon. All of you’ll be free, soon,” Sirius whispered, and Regulus tried to smile.
“I hope so. I… worry,” Regulus admitted. “About… what could happen to either of them, really.”
“You see Evan again soon, though. You said he’d be here for the holidays.”
“He will,” Regulus confirmed. “And Barty gets more free time when he’s off school but his father is still working. And then I will see Evan in January, of course.”
“When he’ll get silver and you’ll get gold,” Sirius confirmed with so much fondness Regulus’ eyes were nearly overflowing with tears again.
“I… need to take a nap,” Regulus admitted. He couldn’t get himself to continue the thought for a long moment.
“C’mon, I could use a nap, too,” Sirius replied, as he stood up and held out a hand to Regulus. Regulus forced himself not to hesitate as they returned to Sirius’ bed, and it took only a few moments of Sirius tracing constellations on his back for Regulus to manage to drift off into a peaceful, if light, slumber.
Regulus was back in his pink merde sweatshirt by the time he and Sirius left for the arena. Sirius didn’t do anything except smile in response, and he cheerfully held the door for Regulus as they entered the arena. Almost immediately, they were met by Mary, who was beaming so broadly that Regulus could hardly believe it was turned on him.
“You came!” Mary didn’t sound surprised but she did sound absolutely delighted.
“Bien sûr! Est-ce que j’suis ton preux chevalier?” Regulus replied. Sirius snorted.
“He said, basically, ‘aren’t I your gallant knight?’ Same sort of thing as ‘knight in shining armor’,” Sirius translated, and Regulus grinned as Mary giggled.
“Puis-je t'escorter sur la glace, ma belle dame?” Regulus asked as he held out his arm for Mary to take. Sirius didn’t actually manage to keep from laughing, this time.
“Can he escort you on the ice, his beautiful lady?” Sirius offered, and Mary’s giggles only grew.
“How do you say ‘of course’?” She asked Sirius.
“Bien sûr,” Sirius provided.
“Bien sûr!” Mary repeated, and Regulus’ grin widened so much that it actively hurt, but he couldn’t help but be endeared by the effort. “I think we should start with twizzles,” she added, after they’d both laced on their skates, taken off their skate guards, and stepped onto the ice.
“Les voltes,” Sirius offered.
“J’sais ‘twizzle’,” Regulus rolled his eyes. “Je connais les termes de patinage artistique.”
“Patinage artistique sounds so much more… lovely than figure skating,” Mary sighed. Regulus kindly didn’t mention her accent, mostly because the fact that she’d figured out part of what he’d said was so surprising, even if it hadn’t been a complex sentence. “Prêt?” Mary asked, and Regulus looked genuinely shocked. “I… might’ve started the French Duolingo and looked up some words.” Sirius laughed before he translated it.
“Alright kids, good luck practicing with different languages,” Sirius announced cheerfully, because his gaze had landed on his team. “Amusez-vous! Have fun!”
Mary returned her hand to the crook of Regulus’ elbow, but she was subtly directing him towards a waiting Albus Dumbledore. Regulus put on his best smile, and pulled out the formal French that made him think of his former school immediately.
It was very definitely a shame, at least in Regulus’ book, that their skating was by necessity directed by Dumbledore for the majority of the open skate. It left far less time to watch his brother, as well as taking most of the joy directly out of practicing.
After several step sequences, choreographic sequences, and lifts, Dumbledore introduced the death spiral, with clear anticipation that it would be the hardest thing he asked of them. With his back turned on Dumbledore, Regulus rolled his eyes at Mary, who tried to hide her grin.
“La spirale cosmique, ma belle dame?” Regulus asked, and Mary paused.
“The backward inside death spiral is called a cosmic spiral?” Mary asked. Regulus waited for Dumbledore to translate it.
“Peu de gens l’utilisent encore, mais je l’aime,” Regulus replied.
“Not many still use it, but he loves it,” Dumbledore translated with sigh, but Mary beamed in response.
“Ready?” Regulus asked Mary, allowing his accent to be as thick as possible.
“Prêt!” Mary practically chirped.
Mary and Regulus both humored Dumbledore through eight spirals that Regulus knew would have earned them full points in competition.
“OK, c’est assez,” Regulus declared, when Dumbledore started criticizing Regulus as though he was actually under Dumbledore’s tutelage. “Mary, j’suis désolé, je dois vraiment patiner.” He let Dumbledore translate it for him, but from her expression, Mary understood immediately.
“Go, have fun. Show off absurd jumps or something,” Mary instructed, and Dumbledore was kind enough to translate it, too.
Regulus turned away with a smile that dropped off as he immediately took in the chaos that his brother and the hockey players present were currently inflicting on the ice. They seemed to be having a grand time as they raced in circles, having clearly abandoned actual training in favor of skating and shoving one another.
Sirius was, ultimately, the smallest of the group, and in the case of speed, it was particularly useful. Regulus was tempted to try and trip his brother, just to see what happened. In the end however, he merely tried to find a stretch of ice that looked clear enough for him to not be incredibly likely to fall if he caught a groove in the ice wrong.
Regulus started with a quad lutz, triple toe loop combination, and then almost immediately turned to follow it with a quadruple toe loop and quadruple Salchow combination. He had only just landed when he was startled by a very loud expletive. He turned immediately to find Frank Longbottom having stopped dead in his race to stare at Regulus with a slack-jawed expression of awe.
“Yeah, he’s amazing, isn’t he?” James asked from where he’d come to a stop next to Frank, looking just as awed. Sirius had clearly won whatever race was ongoing and looked extremely irritated by the attention on Regulus. After a long moment of eye contact, Sirius was moving towards Regulus with clear, staccato movements that portrayed how irritated his brother was. From the glare at his friends, though, Sirius was more upset at his friends than at Regulus.
“It’s not that hard,” Sirius announced loudly, and Regulus immediately moved back to the edge of the rink, giving Sirius a wide berth. His grin only widened as his brother executed a simple single axel but it was completely clean despite the hindrance his hockey skates had to be on his form. As if for emphasis, Sirius followed it with a double salchow, before looking at his friends. It was clear that Sirius was utterly unimpressed, and didn’t at all seem to understand their utterly gobsmacked expressions. Mary had rushed over and the instant Regulus opened his mouth, she pulled out her mobile.
Regulus clapped. “Bravo. Ensuite tu peux mettre tes patins artistiques pour les montrer de la bonne manière,” Regulus announced.
“He said that next Sirius can put on his figure skates to show you how it’s done right,” Mary announced.
As Sirius pivoted to stare at Regulus in undisguised horror, Regulus was delighted to watch the exact moment his brother realized his mistake.
“You’re a figure skater?” James managed to slightly rein in his shock, but only barely.
Sirius didn’t look away from Regulus, clearly at a loss of any reaction other than horror.
“Oui. L’un des meilleurs,” Regulus confirmed for his brother. He didn’t even try to hide his smugness as Sirius’ team and all of his friends immediately overlapped in a nearly-deafening cacophony vying for Sirius’ attention in response to Mary announcing that Regulus had dubbed him one of the best.
Notes:
I’m hopeful to update this again before the end of December, but it’s going on the list below Asterisk and Wild World’s updates, so if I do not, it’ll happen during my short break between terms at the end of December!
Sirius being petty my beloved <3 he’s too dramatic <3 Do Not Attempt Unless you are a Very Good Figure Skater AND good on hockey skates
In the interim, I can be found on tumblr at Orphee-aux-infers.
Chapter 11: Le Saut de Carre
Notes:
Hi, hello, welcome to those who are new, and welcome back to those who are old friends! I’m sorry that this took me longer to get this out than anticipated. Since the last chapter was written and posted, I finished my school term… from another country. Because I travelled several thousand kilometers to be with my beta reader… who is now my fiancé (and his proposal will 100% be future fic material because it was THAT perfect)!!!! As you can imagine, we’ve been rather distracted and quite busy even though I’m currently on break from school. This chapter is unbeta’d because it was written and posted while he was at work and I was being a whiny baby about having to sit and watch him from afar and pine while he was utterly slammed with customers all day.
Le Saut de Carre: Edge Jump
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus could see the exact moment that Sirius processed what he’d done and the horror had fully, properly turned into panic. Instantly, Regulus’ own joviality vanished in favor of moving as quickly as he could. Regulus bodily blocked James from physically reaching out for Sirius, because Sirius had flinched from his best friend.
“Venez avec moi,” Regulus demanded of his brother, and at the very least, Sirius didn’t put up resistance as Regulus tugged him off the ice. Vaguely, Regulus could hear Mary and Lily blocking all of Sirius’ friends from following them. By the time they were off the ice and Regulus managed to get blade guards onto all four of their skates, Sirius was hardly breathing.
“We’re going home,” Regulus whispered in Sirius’ ear. “Ok? Home.”
“Home,” Sirius echoed, and the single word trembled.
“Home,” Regulus reiterated, before helping Sirius out of his skates, and then hastily undoing his own skates. He draped them both over his right shoulder, before linking his left hand with Sirius’. It took almost an hour between a bus, the tube, and walking before Regulus simply picked the lock on the door to Sirius’ flat, because finding his brother’s keys would take too long. In the time it took them to reach the flat, neither of their mobiles had stopped buzzing.
The act of picking the lock was enough to dislodge Sirius from his thoughts, and Regulus outright flinched when Sirius grabbed his lockpicks, case and all, from his hands.
“I’ll get a key for you tomorrow,” Sirius rasped, and it sounded like it physically pained him to speak.
“I can just do this,” Regulus protested, as he made a grab for the leather case and the picks in Sirius’ hand. Sirius immediately held them above his head.
“This is literally breaking and entering.”
“Is it still that if I live here?” Regulus asked, and Sirius hesitated.
“I think so?” Sirius finally answered, after Regulus had given up on retrieving his picks and merely opened the door instead. Sirius didn’t hesitate to step past Regulus, with a laser focus on apparently making it to the couch where he could curl up. Regulus dropped their skates and then joined him on the opposite end of the couch, so they weren’t touching. After a long moment, Sirius closed that gap, essentially collapsing over into Regulus and then making himself well and truly situated in Regulus’ embrace. It was an unfamiliar role reversal.
It took a great deal of effort and self control to keep Regulus from tensing up substantially. Tentatively, he stroked his fingers through Sirius’ hair.
“Why the fuck did I do that, Reg?” Sirius’ voice was thick with tears, and his accent had shifted substantially towards the French he’d grown up with.
“You did not think about it,” Regulus answered. “You were thinking about the fact that your friends were not with you anymore.”
“That’s so… petty,” Sirius moaned, and Regulus wished it were a surprise that his brother’s breath hitched with a muffled sob that tried to escape despite Sirius’ obvious efforts to prevent it.
“I think it is very normal,” Regulus replied, as solemnly as he could. They both ignored the stifled sob Sirius pressed into his hair. “I took away their focus,” Regulus added. He paused for a moment, as he weighed his next words carefully. “Like… when we were small.”
Sirius froze, his entire body rigid and unyielding where it had been comfortably curled into Regulus’ a mere heartbeat before. “It’s nothing like when we were small. And that wasn’t you, that was our parents,” Sirius’s voice was barely audible as he rebutted the statement.
“It was me,” Regulus retorted, and it came out shorter and sharper than he intended. “I never learned how to time things. It was always me taking away from you. Always.”
“No, Reg, it wasn’t,” Sirius’ voice sounded stronger, now. “I know… I know I shouted at you about it. That it was. But it wasn’t. I was a kid. You were a kid. All I could see was you getting attention and never getting it in return. I never… I never understood. Why it wasn’t better that you were getting more attention. Why you were… why their saying you were better than me wasn’t… right. Or healthy. I didn’t get it then. I was wrong. I was… I was so wrong. And I’m… really, really sorry,” Sirius’ apology was whispered, but it was full of raw emotion that immediately pushed Regulus into tears of his own. “I shouldn’t have ever shouted at you, Reg, especially not about that.”
“You were hurt. You were expressing your hurt. You are allowed to do that,” Regulus felt as though he’d landed on the wrong edge of his skate, teetering and at risk of imminent falling. “Especially then, especially when it was just us, and we had to be seen but silent at all other times.”
Sirius didn’t manage to entirely stifle his sob this time, and Regulus immediately pulled him into an even tighter hug. “We were both children. We were. But children especially are allowed to be hurt and also to do hurt. I forgive you. And you were right. We were competing and it was needless and hurt us both and I refused to stop.”
“We never resolved it, they moved me days later,” Sirius managed around a sob that sounded genuinely painful because he was still trying to suppress them. Regulus shushed him.
“We can resolve it now,” Regulus replied, half in pure hope to get Sirius to merely relax and cry properly.
“How can we resolve that? When it clearly still bothers me when people stop paying attention to me to focus on you instead?” Sirius’ voice was a pitiful, plaintive cry, muffled in Regulus’ shoulder.
“By recognizing that it is a… comment dit-ons,” Regulus paused as he thought. “Sore spot for you, and doing our best to not press on it. It is a bruise. But it will heal,” Regulus had never sounded quite so firm with his brother, but the instant he took on the decisive tone, Sirius let go and relaxed, allowing himself to properly break down into full tears.
By the time Sirius had managed to entirely cry himself out, their mobiles had finally stopped buzzing. After several minutes sitting in silence, when Sirius’ breathing stayed even, Regulus tugged his brother upright. He led him by the hand to the toilet, where he sat him down to wash his face as Sirius had done for him. After a moment hesitating about it, Regulus pressed a kiss to Sirius’ forehead.
“Je t’aime plus que tout au monde. Il n’y a rien que je puisse pas pardonner,” Regulus murmured. I love you more than anyone in the world. There is nothing I cannot forgive.
“Ditto,” Sirius mumbled after a long pause. Regulus tried and failed to suppress his laughter at the simple response. “C’est le temps…” Sirius paused for a long moment with an expression Regulus was intimately familiar with; it was the expression that indicated that Sirius had forgotten the word in both French and English.
“Dormir,” Regulus provided. “Sleep,” he added, and Sirius nodded with the least enthusiasm and expression that Regulus had ever seen him use. It was a laborious process to get Sirius ready for bed, given that his brother had passed into something approximating despondent and very nearly non-responsive. When Regulus moved to merely tuck him in, Sirius grasped his wrist and gently tugged him back, until he could wrap himself around him almost like a child would a stuffed toy.
Regulus tried and failed to sleep, despite the fact that Sirius dropped off almost immediately. This ended up being for the best, because almost routinely, every ninety or so minutes, Sirius descended into nightmares that meant Regulus had to rouse them both in order to prevent Sirius from staying trapped in whatever misery his brain had created.
It was barely light when Sirius properly awoke, a sheen of sweat on his brow and his chest heaving.
“Tu vas bien,” Regulus murmured, but it went mostly unheard as Sirius scrambled to get out of bed. When the door to the toilet slammed closed behind him, Regulus didn’t bother trying to interrupt his brother. Instead, he found their mobiles, and did his best to resist the urge to unlock Sirius’ mobile, which showed nearly a hundred messages and three dozen missed calls. His own mobile had a far more manageable eleven messages and no missed calls.
He opened the messages sent to him directly by James. There were several from hours ago.
[Text from James] Is Siri okay?
[Text from James] Please just let us know if you both made it home alright at least?
[Text from James] Can you tell him that I’m not angry with him? I fucked up.
The fourth message that James had sent was a screenshot of texts that he’d clearly sent to Sirius.
[Text from James] wtf is going on, Sirius?
[Text from James] I def remember you saying that you had never even had on a pair of figure skates wtf is going on?
[Text from James] I googled you. You were competing as CILDREN
[Text from James] *Children
[Text from James] You were going to be competing in the junior worlds together before your parents split??? And you did ballet? Wtf is going on
[Text from James] I feel like I don’t know you anymore
Regulus swiped on the screenshot to reply to it.
[Text from James] Est-ce que tu l’as laissé là ? (did you leave it there?)
It was a mere heartbeat before he had a response from James.
[Text from James] No, I apologized
[Text from James] Has he seen them? Is he ok?
[Text from Regulus] Tu peux les supprimer (you can delete them)
[Text from James] we don’t. We don’t delete messages, even mistexts. It causes too much stress.
Regulus was still staring at that message in utter bafflement when James texted again.
[Text form James] Is he ok??
Regulus forced himself to type out the entire text even though it physically pained him to use formal french. He didn’t want even the slightest misunderstanding.
[Text from Regulus] je ne sais pas.
[Text from James] when you know will you text me? If he doesn’t?
[Text from Regulus] ouais
[Text from James] Thank you
[Text from Regulus] bien sûr
Regulus locked his mobile and put it in his pocket before picking up Sirius’ and heading towards the toilet. When he knocked, he waited for Sirius to respond before opening the door, which to his shock was unlocked.
“James apologizes for his text messages,” Regulus said immediately upon Sirius turning to face him, and his brother blanched. “He was… caught off guard. And upset. But he is sorry, now. And worried about you.”
“Uh,” Sirius didn’t continue his statement for a long moment, merely holding out his hand for his mobile, and after scrolling through the messages, sending a brief text. “He’ll be here soon. It’ll be easier to just… have it out in person,” Sirius cringed, visible distress filling his expression.
“Okay,” Regulus agreed after a long moment. “Food, now,” he suggested and his brother nodded agreeably. “Just toast and tea,” Regulus added when they reached the kitchen and he watched his brother wilt immediately until the choice was taken away from him.
Sirius let Regulus gently push him into the stool at the counter, and when tea and toast were presented to him, he actually picked at them. He’d just finished his toast when a knock on the door visibly startled Sirius. Regulus forced himself not to hesitate as he turned to open the door.
“Bonjour, James,” Regulus greeted with cheer that was only partially false. “Ça va?”
“Uh,” James looked like he’d properly stalled out entirely, and Regulus managed a slightly apologetic smile. “Siri?”
“C’m’in, Prongs,” Sirius’ voice was hardly words, but James seemed to understand him nevertheless. “I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve lied to you,” Sirius looked properly miserable. After a long moment of eye contact with his brother, Regulus forced himself to walk away, but he couldn’t force himself to walk away far enough that he wasn’t eavesdropping.
“I just… don’t understand why you did. Lie, I mean.”
“You thought figure skating was… lame. And… it wasn’t exactly like… a super positive experience for me. You know what my parents were like. Our coaches were–they were like that, but even worse. I wanted… to forget it, at first. And then I wanted to keep it up, but I didn’t want to–I didn’t want you to know I’d lied to you. I lied to you a lot, at first. I just… never knew how to undo that one without it… really destroying me,” Sirius’ voice cracked, and there was a slight shuffle. Regulus peeked out through the crack between his bedroom door and the door frame. James was hugging Sirius with all of his might. “Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean anything by it, not really.”
“I’m not mad, Pads, I promise. We were like... eleven, and you were scared. Of course I'm not actually mad,” James assured, and Regulus gently, carefully closed his bedroom door when Sirius broke down into tears again, because this time James had it covered.
It took all of his self-control to suppress the fact that it utterly ached for James to be the one holding Sirius as he cried, because the jealousy was completely and utterly unfounded.
Notes:
I know this update is shorter, but I’m trying out prioritizing more frequent shorter updates for this fic atm. We’ll see how it goes. I’d appreciate you bearing with me! Obviously, I’m not super focused on writing at this current point in time (again: ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!!), and my winter term starts on 3 January, so, I’ll be back in school and teaching (though remote for the first part of January, because I got Special Permission to stay out of the country 1/10th of the way into the term).
Chapter 12: La Virage
Notes:
Hello, lovely people! Thank you so much for your kindness and your patience! I didn’t mean to leave off for quite so long, but life happened!
Long but somewhat obligatory ‘life update from the author’: I managed to go through immense grief/trauma for early January (i’m ok!), several health issues including needing to go to a&e by ambulance (again all good), doing my boss’ job for him (annoying but fine), GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!! (also shout out to my beloved husband, Moormage14, who also beta read this chapter and fixed my Distinctly ESL Grammar <3 back to our roots of author/beta reader with this), move internationally, break BOTH hands and badly cut one finger, and then finally, procrastinate on the coursework I am very behind on by writing this. So. No update for a while because life was a lot and I decided to actually sleep at night instead of being a stereotype of an ao3 author!
Anyway. Fic time <3
La Virage : the turn
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus didn't even consider leaving his room whilst James was still in the flat. As much as his sudden jealousy disconcerted him, he was acutely aware that Sirius was processing very different emotions, and didn't need the distraction from what Sirius was actually experiencing.
It took almost an entire day for James to finally leave, at which point Regulus reopened his bedroom door. Sirius didn't even slightly hesitate between James leaving and knocking on Regulus' door.
"It is open," Regulus' response was entirely blank as he stared at his brother through the open doorway.
"Doesn't mean you want me in your room," Sirius was clearly forcing a casual demeanour but the veneer was thin and cracking.
"Are you okay?"
Sirius exhaled so forcefully that Regulus flinched. "I, uh," Sirius stalled out, and Regulus let him, because his brother looked seconds away from crying again. "I think what I need is to be alone for a bit," Sirius looked like he wasn't sure what to think about actually saying it and Regulus stared blankly for a long moment. "How d'you feel about Remus picking you up and taking you out for a bit?"
The silence dragged on for a long moment. "Alright," Regulus agreed, and Sirius' worry faded into immense relief. "I will get dressed. For normal people."
"Remus won't care what you wear," Sirius assured, but he looked so relieved and it sounded so weak that Regulus saw through it immediately.
"Mm. Perhaps, but you care very much," Regulus smiled to soften the statement as much as he could. "C'est bon, Siri," Regulus assured. "I do not mind this time."
"If you're sure," Sirius' voice wavered uncertainly, so Regulus changed course to peck his brother's cheek before he carried on pulling on layers.
"I would not offer if I was not sure."
Remus looked deeply worried when he picked Regulus up, but Sirius was staunchly pretending to be cheerful. Both Remus and Regulus seemed to feel equally helpless in the face of it. "Be back around dark?" Sirius requested.
"Sure. We'll bring food with us," Remus assured. "Siri–"
"Not right now, please," Sirius pleaded, before outright fleeing.
There was a long, awkward moment during which Remus and Regulus merely stared at one another.
"So…" Remus trailed off after the single syllable.
"Shall we?" Regulus sighed, but actually, genuinely waited for Remus' reaction. Remus stood back for Regulus to exit the flat with a small but seemingly genuine smile.
“How are you holding up?” Remus asked once he had closed and locked the door behind Regulus. Regulus merely stared for a long moment at the key that Remus tucked back into his pocket. “We all have one. You… probably should’ve been warned about that sooner, huh?”
“Who is ‘all’ of you?” Regulus waited so long that they were fully on the pavement by the time he asked.
“Me, Peter, Lily, Marlene,” Remus hesitated. “I think Frank has one, too.”
“Okay,” Regulus nodded after a long moment, somewhat determined to simply ignore his instinctive, irrational emotional reaction to the statement.
“We don’t really use them,” Remus assured.
“It’s fine if you do,” Regulus wasn’t sure that it was, but in this scenario, he was fairly certain telling the truth would be less socially acceptable than a small, inconsequential lie. “Where are we going?”
“Do you have anywhere you want to go?” Remus’ tone was neutral, and with his shoulders hunched and his hands stuffed in his pockets, he looked entirely unobtrusive, nearly blending into the background. Regulus couldn’t even find it in him to feel afraid of him.
“Not particularly. I didn’t sleep,” Regulus wasn’t sure why he admitted it, but he didn’t regret it as he watched Remus’ expression smooth into genuine sympathy in response.
“Have you eaten?” Remus asked, somehow managing to catch Regulus entirely off guard. “Right, I’m taking that as a no. We’ll head to my flat,” Remus sounded outright cheerful now, as he led Regulus towards the tube station. It took all of Regulus’ self-control not to flee. Evidently, he didn’t do a very good job of hiding the urge, because Remus’ long, lanky arm draped over his shoulders as they made their way down the stairs.
The platform was crowded, and Regulus only prevented himself from using it to his advantage to disappear from Remus’ grasp by chastising himself in his head. Sirius would be beside himself with worry if Regulus ran away from Remus when not visibly upset, and Regulus couldn’t stand to add to whatever Sirius was experiencing.
He didn’t pay any mind to how many stops they passed, only exiting the train when Remus’ arm returned to his shoulder and guided him off the train. Regulus fully tuned out of everything except putting one foot in front of the other as Remus guided him up the steps and escalators to leave the station.
When Remus stopped, so did Regulus. The first several times were to exit the barrier and then to cross streets, but the final stop in front of a plain door involved the sharp jangle of keys as Remus unlocked the door. “Go on up, then,” Remus instructed, and Regulus silently obliged him and began to climb the stairs. He only stopped when Remus indicated a door he should go in. “Have a seat, Regulus,” Remus instructed and Regulus quickly sat in one of the rickety kitchen chairs.
When he managed to properly look at him, Remus was watching him with a frown. “I was going to make you tea, but I think you’d be better served by hot cocoa.”
Regulus blinked, and then he made a face. “Too sweet,” he protested.
Remus hummed. “You need sugar. It’s not negotiable. Form is, though.”
Regulus tensed slightly, glancing around the small kitchen without any sense of what he was looking for. “Must I?”
“Mhmm,” Remus’ expression was completely, stonily neutral. Regulus returned his even stare with vague panic. “Are you lactose intolerant too?”
“There are tablets for that,” Regulus dodged the question, his alarm kicking up a notch.
“Easy,” Remus soothed, and when Regulus dragged his attention back to Remus, Remus looked deeply concerned. “I have crêpes, with chocolate filling,” Remus finally said. It took Regulus a moment to connect the mispronounced word to the correct food; Remus said it to match the vowel sound of crate.
Regulus blinked again.
“Yeah, ok, we’ll do that,” Remus seemed to be absolutely certain now, as he moved around the kitchen. A mug was still brought out but Remus merely made a pot of tea, and when a mug was handed to him, Regulus merely accepted it. The plastic wrapped crêpe handed to him, however, had him baulking again immediately.
“Where in the world do you buy… these?” Regulus asked, and Remus grinned.
“Morrisons, this time. You can get them at Tesco, too, I think.”
“Why in the world do you buy them?” Regulus couldn’t summon any emotion other than bewilderment.
“Don’t you like them?” Remus’ grin faded into a look of immense concern.
“They come in plastic,” Regulus was caught between immense helplessness to describe his horror and outright fear as to how Remus might react.
“Seems a little classist to reject it on that,” Remus replied with a bland but affable expression that almost, but not quite, hid the humour in his expression.
“I–” Regulus froze, the horror nearly tipping over into panic.
“Nah, I take it back,” Remus switched tracks immediately. “You’re just French. Hot cocoa instead? I have 70% cacao dark chocolate.”
“Yes, please,” Regulus’ immense relief couldn’t be hidden. Remus’ laughter as he took back the crêpe was kind but genuinely amused. Regulus couldn’t bring himself to do anything except stare as Remus made the cocoa in a pan on the stove.
“So was your comment about tablets a covert warning that you needed them?” Remus asked as he reached into a cabinet, and Regulus couldn’t quite find words to answer him. When Remus held out a tablet to him, however, he accepted it without any protest. When a warm mug followed, he was more than a little relieved to finally have something to do with his hands. “Do you like films? Music?”
“Sure,” Regulus replied after a moment’s hesitation. When the silence lasted more than a few seconds, he actually forced himself to look at Remus. Remus’ smile was warm and amused.
“Would you like to watch a film?” Remus asked, and Regulus shrugged. “What kinds of films do you like?”
“I don’t know,” Regulus admitted after a moment. “Not horror?”
“Hmm. Musicals?”
“Rock operas, at least,” Regulus agreed, and Remus’ small, warm smile transformed into a grin.
“I have some of those on DVD,” Remus said, inclining his head towards the doorway. When Regulus stood and followed, Remus gave a small affirmative hum. The sitting room was as small and rickety as the kitchen but when Remus gestured to a small loveseat, Regulus was shocked to find it actually was comfortable despite its rickety appearance. “Jesus Christ Superstar?”
“What?” Regulus managed, and Remus’ grin was back in full force.
“Jesus Christ Superstar,” Remus repeated without elaboration. Regulus chose to sip his cocoa and let Remus entirely control the entertainment.
He lost track of the films Remus showed him, and didn’t complain about any of the food at all, largely because after the first forty minutes of Jesus Christ Superstar, he slipped into a hazy half-dose because Remus’ presence again stopped registering as anything of a threat, despite Remus being slightly larger than Evan.
“Regulus? Reg?” Regulus snapped awake to a hand just inches from his shoulder, and Remus’ concerned face mere centimetres from his own. “Hey, it’s okay,” Remus soothed immediately, just a breath before a horrid, choked off sob managed to escape Regulus’ attempts at tight control over his reaction. “Bad dream?”
“Un cauchemar, une mauvaise mémoire, c’est la même chose,” Regulus answered. A nightmare, a bad memory, it’s the same thing.
“In English?” Remus prompted, and Regulus hesitated for a long moment. “Siri’s ready for company again if you wanna just go home.”
“Ouais, s’il te plait,” Regulus’ nod was quick and relieved. “S’il te plait,” he repeated more emphatically.
“Sure, let’s go,” Remus looked more concerned now, but Regulus couldn’t bring himself to care.
“Is Siri well?” Regulus only remembered to ask when they were down the stairs and out of the flat, headed back towards the tube.
“He’s doing a lot better,” Remus assured without hesitation. “He just needed to process.”
“You are not angry with him, are you?” Regulus’ eyes narrowed as he suddenly remembered that he had reason to be suspicious of his brother’s boyfriend.
“No, not really. I was mildly unhappy last night,” Remus answered, with a slight hesitation. “But I know enough about both of you. I can put together that figure skating was traumatising and he didn’t want to relive it. A fresh start when he moved, yeah?”
“Mm. In some ways, it was worse for Sirius than it ever was for me,” Regulus confirmed. “Because he got less… attention. Positively, that is,” Regulus hesitated, but Remus just looked gently concerned. “It was all complicated. He just wanted to be… normal.”
“You’re both very normal,” Remus assured, with no small amount of concern.
“You need not lie to me, Remus,” Regulus didn’t quite snap, but it was only with a great deal of effort. “I know that I am not ‘normal’.” A great deal of derision emphasised the ultimate word, despite his efforts towards an even tone.
“Okay, well, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Remus sounded slightly off-balanced, but Regulus merely shrugged, gave a non-committal ‘bah’, and headed down the stairs to the tube.
Regulus let Remus unlock the flat, and immediately baulked when he was met with his brother immediately inside the door.
“Hey bunny, you okay?” Sirius’ concern looked genuine, but Regulus couldn’t do anything except frown at his brother.
“Why are you asking if I’m okay? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Sirius’ grin was easy, but Regulus still took it with what he thought was likely a healthy and understandable amount of suspicion. “Really, kiddo. Sometimes I just need some time by myself to work through what I’m feeling before I can handle it or sort it out or whatever needs to be done, if anything. I’m good now. Okay?”
“Okay,” Regulus agreed after a long moment.
“Did you eat?” Sirius asked the question of Remus, not Regulus.
“Nope,” Remus replied quickly when Regulus opened his mouth.
“Right, cheese toasties it is,” Sirius nodded firmly. Without another word, Sirius nudged Regulus and Remus both towards stools, but somehow it was Regulus and Sirius who ended up sitting while Remus took over cooking before Sirius even managed to start the task at hand.
Notes:
There are so many people subscribed to this fic and finding this fic on a daily basis and I just have to say a few things. Thank you so much for reading. Your comments and kudos mean the world to me. I appreciate you all so much, and I’m genuinely, on a daily basis, in awe and honored. So yes, thank you, sincerely and with love. I hope you all have a good day.
Chapter 13: Le Croisé
Summary:
I do recommend re-reading at least chapter 12's ending before reading this one. My beta reader and I did both need to to make it work.
Notes:
Hello, welcome back, thank you to all who have been so kind (and patient).
I’m sorry about the little hissy fit, turns out organ failure, depending on the organ, means no emotional regulation in the face of too much life events. Back now (ish, more after the chapter). Shout out to Moormage14 for his help with this and support in life <333 best wife award <3333
Le Croisé: the crossover. One of the basics of figure skating, used for gaining momentum along curves. Can be forwards or backwards.
tw/cw: honestly this is a bridge chapter, at most a bit of sibling friction but nothing much
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Sirius remained chipper, practically yapping like a toy poodle at Remus as he cooked, and Regulus couldn’t fathom the under twenty four hour turn around in his brother. It was like a switch had been flipped, from a depressed and miserable shivering version to a bright, genuinely happy, and most importantly social version.
He couldn’t fathom what it must feel like for Sirius, if it felt dramatic from Regulus’ perspective. Or perhaps it felt completely natural because Sirius had experiences, thoughts, clarity, or perhaps even some form of literal epiphany for all Regulus could tell, from when Regulus hadn’t been with him.
“Mary’ll be around soon, we don’t mind if you both stay like… in the room,” Sirius dropped in once they’d all started eating, and Regulus suddenly was not at all hungry. He tried to look at his brother as cautiously and as covertly as possible, but as Sirius was already staring at him, his efforts failed.
“Pourquoi?” Regulus finally asked but only after an extremely long staredown with his brother. Sirius’ expression gave him absolutely nothing to work with on the front of understanding the situation.
“Why what?”
Regulus looked at his brother impatiently, gesturing vaguely.
“I’m going to ask if she wants to try partnering with me. And then I’m probably going to have a panic attack. So one of you for me, one for her.”
“I see,” Remus said, while Regulus just stared blankly at his brother.
“I want to,” Sirius finally managed, softly. “I’ve talked to Prongs about it.”
There was a flare of unfamiliar hurt in Regulus’ chest at that announcement. He bit back first a sharp statement that he didn’t think a panic attack was a good sign, and then a bitter comment about the fact that he’d sent Regulus away in order to make the decision.
“Ok,” Regulus agreed, and Sirius grinned, oblivious to Regulus’ hurt or entire absence of appetite.
“Okay,” Sirius repeated, and tucked in, clearly thrilled with the outcome of the brief discussion. Regulus sought out Remus’ gaze but Remus looked entirely unbothered by the concept.
“Hello, hello!” Mary was bright and cheerful as Sirius opened the door for her.
“Hi, Mary,” Sirius’ grin was easy and his shoulders relaxed. In comparison, Regulus looked like he was about to flee.
“Salut, Mary,” Regulus greeted, when Remus literally elbowed him to get him to stop staring like a skittish cat. He scowled at an unrepentant Remus.
“How are you?” Remus asked. Mary’s countenance immediately shifted to something substantially more somber.
“Curious as to why I’ve been called here tonight,” Mary replied ominously, and then giggled as her façade crumbled into good humour instead. . “It’s like being called into the headteacher’s office.”
“Well, it’s definitely not that,” Sirius replied as he reached out to grasp both of Mary’s hands in his. “Mary, will you do me the honour of allowing me to try to pair skate with you?”
“What, like, you did a couple of jumps and now want to steal me from Severus?” Mary looked incredibly doubtful of the idea. Sirius couldn’t seem to stop his laugh, at which point Regulus deemed his presence unnecessary, but left the room to his door open in case he was wrong.
“Not professionally, not yet. It wouldn’t make sense at this point of the year. But… maybe next season?” Sirius sounded so hopeful Regulus found it physically painful. It was such a drastic turn around and it was impossible to get back the Sirius he’d partnered with professionally, but the idea of Sirius partnering with someone on a whim after so many years denying he and Regulus had ever competed together ached.
“I’m not the one you’ll have to convince on that… but knowing Dumbledore… he’s going to sub you in over a stubbed toe, Sirius. You have so much talent and skill.”
Sirius spluttered for long enough that Remus intervened.
“Perhaps we should sit down? Maybe over a cuppa?” Remus suggested, and waved at Regulus through his open door in what was a blatant invitation. Regulus shook his head, and as soon as they had moved into the sitting room, he got up and closed his bedroom door before retreating to the closet he had been trying to stay out of to appease the very confounding Sirius.
He tried to resist but after a moment, pulled out his mobile to text Barty and Evan.
[Text from Regulus] Sirius va faire ice dancing
[Text from Regulus] He decided this after crying and demanding être seul because ses amis saw him[Text from Barty] Is that a problem?
[Text from Regulus] CPG
[Text from Evan] “C’est pas grave”? If it was not a big deal, you would not text us about it
[Text from Regulus] it is not. I am hurt, but I do not know why.
[Text from Evan] Is it that he refused to acknowledge your history for so long?
[Text from Barty] Or that he was lying to his friends about figure skating ever for that matter and now wants to do it again? Change can be upsetting on its own
[Text from Regulus] it feels as though he has left again.
He didn’t check the texts that came in response for several minutes as he sat and breathed through the anxiety and grief pressing on his chest.
[Text from Evan] Ça va?
[Text from Regulus] je me couche. Je suis très fatigué
[Text from Barty] Text us tomorrow?
[Text from Regulus] b1sur
He felt uncoordinated and uneasy as he got up to actually engage the lock on his bedroom door. Regulus could only stare at his bed for a long moment before he ended up dragging the duvet and a pillow into his closet and curling up.
He didn’t wake until someone jiggled the handle on his bedroom door, and he jolted upright and forwards fast enough that it took an awkward flail to avoid hitting his head on the doorframe of his closet. He didn’t manage to keep from toppling over, out of the closet and fully sprawled on the floor, tangled in his duvet.
“Regulus? Ça va? It’s only us,” Sirius’ voice brought back a wave of emotions and Regulus had to keep his breathing extremely even to try and avoid breaking down. “Reg? Please let me in? Bunny Rabbit?”
Regulus’ body moved without his thought or consent and the door was unlocked and opened while he was still bleary eyed.
“Oh.” There was a full ten seconds while Regulus and Sirius looked equally confused. “Shit, did I wake you?” Sirius looked so genuinely remorseful Regulus was immediately wide awake.
“C’est pas grave,” Regulus assured his brother.
“I’m sorry, I was worried you were upset. It didn’t occur to me you could be sleeping, though I guess it should’ve done, you don’t usually not text me back. Are you? Upset, I mean?”
“Pourquoi?” Regulus didn’t bother addressing the rest of the statement, mostly because that was more words than he had until he woke up a bit more.
“You kinda just… left,” Sirius said, and Regulus’ stomach turned with anxiety at the reminder of his earlier rudeness towards both Mary and Remus, along with Sirius. “Usually that means you’re upset. Well, I guess I don’t know that, but it’s rarely good.”
“I was surprised and needed to… process,” Regulus offered after a long moment. Sirius’ expression softened into genuine relief.
“That’s what Moony said was probably going on.”
“You are an adult. You can do what you wish, and I will hope for the best for you, in all matters. Why would this be different?”
“You think I’m daft, don’t you?” Sirius’ shoulders crumpled as he looked utterly dejected at the idea, even though Regulus had no idea what he had said to introduce the concept, and he hoped he looked as baffled as he felt.
“Non,” Regulus murmured after giving it a long, hard thought that was mostly to process the completely random thought. “Non, not daft. It was a surprise. Surprises are not a bad idea inherently. You will lose nothing. Not in ice dance.”
“Oh? What would I lose something in?” Sirius’ expression had lightened into a magnificent grin at the reassurance.
“Well, you would lose if you competed against me. Évidemment. And Evan as well, of course. But bronze is still a medal, I suppose.”
“Of course,” Sirius rolled his eyes, but it was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Regulus should not have been surprised when his brother dragged him into a hug but nevertheless, he was. “We okay, bunny rabbit?” Sirius asked, while Regulus’ face was awkwardly smashed into Sirius’ shoulder.
“Absolument,” Regulus answered, and he did his absolute best to pretend that he didn’t feel like he was lying about it. He couldn’t quite work out the why he felt like he was lying, something that felt necessary before actually discussing it.
“Okay, cool, so we can get ready for bed, since someone’s sleepy, huh?” It was somehow an absolutely non-optional imposed bedtime. Sirius waited until they were in bed, and Regulus almost asleep, before mentioning anything else.
“Uncle Al wants to try again on seeing each other, but only when you’re ready, and you get to pick the location this time.”
It took all of Regulus’ self restraint to merely nod, tucking his face against Sirius’ shoulder so he could feel it. He desperately wanted to offer a sarcastic location such as la lune. He chose to just go back to sleep instead; it was easier that way.
Notes:
So. Sorry about the delay and also being so distressed by some types of comments. It turns out I had a specific organ failure that typically causes massive emotional dysregulation. Thank you so much to everyone for your kindness and patience.
That said, while I am more regulated now, the comment type I mentioned in my little spiral are still quite rude, so please do not resume comments about “when will there be more?” there will be more when there’s more.
In the interim, I have (in addition to multiple existing autoimmune diseases and genetic conditions and independently disabling permanent injuries and now the permanent organ failure): long covid after getting covid for the first time (have been masking since 2018 due to immunocompromisation), my blood oxygen likes to hang out below 90 now, my spouse and I had a pregnancy which was lost at almost second trimester, followed by two more chemical pregnancies, and we are devastated by this. Shortly after the miscarriage, we lost a dear family friend. And now we’re house hunting again with a timer ticking on ‘time until unhoused’. So. Yeah. Life first, boundaries second, fic third.
Gentle reminder: it’s my fic, which is posted to an archive, not content generated for you specifically, or like a television programme, so I have a few requests:
Please do not ask me when there will be more because it will happen when it happens and it is not abandoned until I say so, and I WILL say so unless I die and then my beta will say so.
Please remember that authors ARE notified of comments and that we can see your public bookmarks and comments on other platforms especially if an algorithm is involved for others in the fandom (aka I see comments from tiktok via tumblr). Subsection of this one: my gender is complex but my pronouns are not <3 he/him or it/its in english, il/lui in french
Please be respectful and mature. This fic is in fact rated mature so it is reasonable as an author to expect those reading it to engage with it with a certain degree of complexity and ability to handle the themes that got this fic rated mature: violence that is not graphically described (or else it would be explicit). If you don’t like my free alternative to therapy (archived! Not sold! FREE!), don’t read it. Critical thinking hats on, please.
That said, that doesn’t mean unlikely updates, quite the opposite. It means an “Irregular Update Schedule due to the author being An Adult” and “Life outside of fandom takes precedence” and furthermore “I have several WIPs”.
Peace, take care, happy holidays if you have them, pleasant weather wishes for all ✌️(I'm sick of winter storms)
Chapter 14: Un Boucle
Notes:
Un Boucle: short reference to a loop jump, which is an edge jump typically used in a combination and not by itself. The highest number of rotations landed in competition is quadruple loop for men and triple loop for women (to my 2022 knowledge).
Outside of figure skating: A thing which turns, which comes back to its starting point (or a curl of hair). For example, a belt buckle, a ring to which a lead for a dog might be attached, etc.
The loop jump is a loop as the skater takes off from the back outer edge and lands on the back outer edge; the rotations in between are existentially inconsequential, though they are worth graduating points in competition.
CW: PTSD, references to past child abuse including pseudo-incest (parent-child emotional incest implied), organised crime, (if there are more, let me know!)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Regulus barely slept despite his earlier ability to simply black out for a still undetermined amount of time. Sirius was still asleep when he left for training. Regulus left a note that he’d think about options for seeing Alphard. He sent an equally brief update to Evan and Barty mostly so that he could get to practice on time, as he strongly doubted they had gotten much sleep after his admittedly overly blunt ending. He was visibly dysregulated by the time he actually made it to lacing up his skates.
Perenelle was kind enough not to prise into his state at the beginning of the lesson, despite the fact that she had plenty of reason to do so, including that Regulus wasn’t landing doubles of anything, let alone triples or quadruples. He certainly could not manage to graduate to combinations, even after he should have warmed up. It was less a coordination issue and more of an issue of concentration.
“Ok, ok, ça suffit,” Perenelle called after Regulus properly fell, and just stayed laying on the ice. “Regulus, viens ici, s'il te plaît.” Regulus groaned, but at her calling him, did push himself up and managed to somewhat smoothly propel himself over to her. “What is going on for you?”
“Teenage angst,” the deadpan response was entirely joking, because his overnight fears were decidedly not at all normal teenage angst. That was usually about boys or girls, or grades, or acne, as far as he could ascertain from Sirius’ friends.
“Bah, teenage angst,” Perenelle looked mildly amused even as she clearly doubted the answer. “So teenage angst has stolen your inner ear? Where has your balance gone? Is it hiding in your shoes? Et où est ta tête? It seems to be absent.”
Regulus snorted. “I suppose my balance must be in my shoes, as I walked here,” he replied, and Perenelle laughed, but it was soft and gentle. “As for my head… bah, a lost cause, j’pense.”
“Talk to me about it. Then change out. You look as though you require rest instead of exercise, today at least. Perhaps we will try this evening instead, or else, there is always tomorrow.”
She was quiet while he stepped off the ice and cut his morning short. She didn’t do more than make an amused sound as he simply pulled on an oversized sweatshirt and legwarmers, making no move to change into anything more formal than leggings.
Regulus didn’t protest the fact that he was not consulted even once on choice of cafés or his order for that matter. He doubted he’d taste anything, and he didn’t feel like having to doubt the safety of the establishment. Perenelle would not put him at risk, at least not at this point in the season. That meant that her choice actually was better than any preferences he could have, at the moment at least.
“I have not seen you even this off balance before. What’s going on, Regulus?”
Regulus tried not to slouch with how mortified he felt over having such dysregulation on the same subject twice. “I am to pick someplace to see my uncle again. Last time went badly. And things have been less than… ideal, with Sirius’ friends, maybe even Sirius, and it is–I think I have made some mistakes in trying to be… moi-même before I was an adult.”
“I see,” Perenelle sounded like, perhaps, she very much did see. When he made himself look at her, she had a small, kind smile. “You have not made a mistake on that front, though I do not for a second think you will have an easy time. But an easy time is not necessarily the most correct or best choice. Why do you have to see your uncle again?”
“I think because he and Sirius usually see each other regularly and he does not like not knowing me. He was… kind. And I had a – j’eu à la… à l'évidence d'un genre de dépression nerveuse.”
“A type of mental breakdown?” Perenelle’s eyebrows raised as she spoke, and Regulus slunk down in his seat.
“A panic attack, j’pense.”
“Ah,” Perenelle looked sympathetic instead of inquiring and he relaxed immediately. “I think that makes sense, given what you’ve said of your family. Meet here. Find out when, and then text me. Nicolas and I will be here, as far from you as we can, and we will intervene ‘accidentally’ if you look distressed or there’s shouting or the like. Est-ce que cela est rassurant?”
Regulus only managed an impolite stare for several long moments, as he was entirely baffled by the offer. “Yes, that would be… I would appreciate that very much. Are you sure? It is not a bother?”
“It is not at all a bother. You are never a bother, tu as compris?”
“J’ai compris,” Regulus confirmed. He was granted a reprieve as Perenelle immediately ignored all evidence of embarrassment but chose to feed him a truly ridiculous quantity of food.
—
Sirius was whistling cheerfully when Regulus got home. “Bonjour!” Sirius chirped.
“Salut,” Regulus felt off balance but still managed a smile for his brother. “Ça va?”
“It’s going,” Sirius looked almost concerningly happy. “Hey, how do you feel about seeing Uncle Al today? He’s free around three ish.”
“Oh, ah,” Regulus hesitated, before deciding that even if Perenelle and Nicolas were not free on short notice, now familiar territory would be sufficient. “Ouais, that would be fine. I’ll text you the address of where I would like to go. I will go change into something more presentable?”
“Have you eaten?”
“Perenelle made sure of it,” Regulus confirmed. He didn’t wait for Sirius’ confirmation before he headed off to find his nicest pair of trousers and a jumper that looked equally nice, even though the setting did not call for any drastic amount of formality. Perenelle texted him back immediately after he texted, with only a thumbs up emoji.
The middle of the day passed in a sticky, syrupy sludge of anxiety, because he couldn’t get rid of the remembrance of how like Orion and Walburga his uncle ultimately was in appearance, though it did seem to end at appearance. He had to hope out of Alphard’s personally curated environment and at a relatively casual establishment Alphard would look more like an individual instead of merely a strange reminder of Regulus’ parents.
He didn’t speak to Sirius, but Sirius was practically gnattering on their way to the café. Regulus kept Sirius distracted on their way in to ensure Sirius didn’t see Nicolas and Perenelle. The couple was tucked in a corner and entirely difficult to recognise, but Regulus still didn’t want to draw suspicion. In the opposite corner, the somewhat accidentally commanding figure of Alphard Black had seemingly long since taken up residence.
Regulus immediately, irrationally, loathed his uncle for picking a time and then showing up early, especially as it meant that Regulus and Alphard were back on nearly even footing, other than the fact that Regulus had literal back-up.
“My favourite nephews!” Alphard’s voice carried alarmingly in the otherwise calm café.
“Hello, Uncle Al,” Sirius greeted, and went in for a hug immediately. Alphard turned to Regulus and held out his arms in a request Regulus would have to awkwardly avoid if he didn’t want to be touched.
“Salut, Oncle,” Regulus put his best smile behind the greeting, as he gave Alphard the hug he’d been unfortunately trapped into. “Are you well?”
“All the better for seeing you boys,” Alphard’s smile looked genuine. “Regulus, this place is a lovely find. How did you find it?” It was a fair question, as Sirius and Regulus were unusually young among the patrons.
“I’ll order,” Sirius kissed the top of Regulus’ head and Regulus took a seat as his brother clearly intended.
“Perenelle, my coach, she has brought me after morning practice,” Regulus answered.
“Ah, that makes sense. How is that? Still enjoying training under the Flamels?”
“Oui, both are lovely, though I really am only the student of Perenelle. I am very lucky for how kind they are.”
Alphard frowned slightly.
“Were the ones Orion found not? Kind to you, that is?”
Regulus froze for a mere breath before forcing a smile.
“I did not believe sport could be kind. I do not know Perenelle would be quite so kind were I younger.”
“I doubt that,” Sirius interrupted. Regulus had been weighing his words and expressions so carefully he had not noticed his brother returning. “She would have tells, you don’t just switch off the ‘I will hit you if you fall’ trait.”
“Bof,” Regulus’ shrug conveyed he only partly was giving agreement, and rather unhappy about it. “Perhaps. She is exceedingly kind.”
“Has anyone hurt you, Regulus? In training?” Alphard’s question garnered a blank stare from Regulus and suspicion from Sirius.
“Is this an interrogation?” Sirius asked, and his tone was suddenly and abruptly neutral. Regulus did not enjoy for a second the staredown that subsequently ensued. It was far too similar to Sirius opposing their parents, and yet, nothing at all alike, because Alphard didn’t look angry, he looked frustrated.
It was a stressed, panicked thought not at all rooted in reality, but Regulus abruptly realised that it was far more like watching their parents try not to fight.
“Possibly,” Alphard finally said, and Regulus sighed but gave up slightly. He would have to face it sometime, because Alphard seemed to be persistent.
“Ok,” he announced, and Sirius whipped his head around to stare at him, mouth agape. “He will have questions until I answer. So I may as well answer, non?”
“If you’re sure,” Sirius replied after a long, nearly defiant moment.
“I am.”
“Okay,” Sirius deflated, and gestured at Regulus.
“Obviously I have been hurt in training. In both figure skating and ballet. People are not kind and I bruise easily.”
“I want a list of names. They won’t work with children again,” the threat from Alphard was, in some ways, sweet, but it had Regulus laughing before he could prevent it.
“Je suis profondément désolé, Oncle, you will have an impossible time of that goal. It is normal in both sports, to a degree, and you would be in a difficult position to convince them they did anything wrong as they merely did to me what was done to them.”
Alphard’s face had gained a ruddy hue that had Regulus even more uncomfortable, but their uncle only nodded. “I would still appreciate a list so I can at least try.”
“Of course,” Regulus agreed, and without his permission, his tone betrayed how much he felt like he was humouring childish whims. He forced himself not to shrink back from Alphard’s scrutinising stare. Instead, he met it directly, as much as he loathed it, and hoped it didn’t make him flush in response.
“Who else hurt you? Aside from Orion?”
Regulus blinked, no longer trying to stare Alphard down, and instead looking at him in genuine confusion.
“I’ve spoken to him,” Alphard finally offered. “And his story is full of holes, including who you might have socialised with.”
“His friends.”
“Yes. Who are his friends, Regulus?”
“Are you telling me that you do not know the doings of our family, Oncle? Oh. I see.” Alphard didn’t interrupt as Regulus processed the situation and then continued. “‘The solitary one’, indeed. You are aptly named, Monsieur Alphard Black. Your parents were merde, but they named you well.”
Alphard’s expression blanched, but Regulus didn’t even feel pride in it.
“Orion, il est un ‘Caïd’,” he offered when Alphard seemed hung up on his name fitting him.
“I wasn’t aware there were still… mafiosos,” Alphard’s expression shifted to a frown.
“He is not a ‘godfather’, in English, I believe is the term. But he answers to one, now. Others answer to him, when it pleases him for them to do so–or moreso displeases him for them to not answer to him. So who hurt me? Were they people, or were they fingers of a hand? I have not decided.”
“They were people. There’s no point dehumanising people even if they’ve hurt you–you only end up dehumanising yourself doing that,” Alphard didn’t hesitate over his reply.
Regulus hummed. He made a show of thinking it over, largely because someone had brought their coffees and he was already uncomfortable saying anything at all in public.
“So his associates. You know them. All below him, then, the ones who hurt you?” Alphard raised an eyebrow and Regulus staunchly ignored the similarities to Orion.
“Non,” Regulus fiddled with the handle of his mug for a long moment. Alphard didn’t seem inclined to do anything except wait him out. “Le Parrain, as well. Well. ‘Le’ could be an overstatement, I didn’t ask. He did not hurt me. Just… made me wish he had.”
Alphard tried to hide his sputter as a cough, and when Regulus glanced at his brother, Sirius didn’t look impressed.
“Walburga had ties in the UK. Are you serious that you didn’t know any of that?” Sirius’ spoke so shortly and sharply that Regulus was grateful the clipped tone wasn’t turned on him. “I didn’t see much, she wasn’t a man and I wasn’t a girl, and that mattered, but you cannot seriously expect us to believe that you didn’t know they were bad people.”
Alphard’s jaw had gone slack, and Regulus nearly joined him when Sirius merely calmly sipped his coffee.
“No. I did not know. Our fathers did, of course, but I assumed–wrongly, I see that now–that like me they’d found less… unsavoury paths.”
“Well, in a way,” Regulus granted. “Day job, night job, wage improves, non?”
“No,” Alphard’s hand came down on the table but this time Regulus didn’t flinch from it. He did however give a supremely disappointed look at the scene it caused until everyone around them decided their stalemate stares were boring to eavesdrop on.
“For your cousin that is what matters. Not his children. Not his wife, who he chose against pressure and then decided he hated. Not what he did or did not do. Money. Money is all he has ever cared for, and it is all he ever will. If you think removing influences will fix him, you are a fool and you will suffer great heartbreak for it.”
“I already have,” Alphard said, quietly. “I was barely allowed to meet you, Regulus, and only slightly more to know Sirius. Walburga was the most vocal caller for my exile. I have never even met Narcissa, as Cygnus and I diverged first. I have been trying to fix this family for years, and you’re right. I am a fool. But I’ll withstand the heartbreak in order to at least try and ensure that everyone who hurt you as a child suffers greatly for it.”
“Then you must start within our family. Do you understand that? If you wish to be like them and force them to pay, you must learn to play like them, as well.”
Alphard hesitated again, but this time it was weighty with grief.
“I understand that you need that.”
“Non. You need to hurt those who hurt us, because it is how you were raised. You do not know how to handle that hurt does not solve hurt. So you are asking who to hurt. The answer is to start at Orion for me and Walburga for Sirius. If you want to take on a piece of le Milieu after that, so be it, but you should start with the worst of them. But do not mistake it for my need.”
“Were they? The worst pain?”
“For me, yes. The chance for les autres to hurt me, it would have been nothing if he had not invited them . So I cannot answer any other way. Orion Black was the hand. Under him, many, many wandering fingers, some holding weapons, others merely touching. Above him, another brain, controlling another hand and legs. Start in the middle of the chain of people in my life. Severing the hand would remove the fingers, as well. Comprenez-vous?”
Alphard was no longer slack-jawed, but he was staring unnervingly at Regulus. Regulus did his best to stare back with his most unimpressed expression.
“And do you want that, or do you think I want that?” Alphard finally managed.
“I got what I wanted,” Regulus answered with something of a non-sequitur.
“Emancipation,” it was clearly a guess, but it was close enough that Regulus nodded.
“From the French émancipation, from the Latin verb emancipare. ‘To free someone from slavery or other unfair or strict control, such as slavery’.”
Alphard visibly swallowed, his nerve waning in the sight of Regulus remaining firm. It should have been rewarding but just felt sickening in the context. “Were you a slave to Orion, Regulus?”
“To his whims, certainly. I did no housework. I fulfilled his…” Regulus toyed with his cup, thinking about it for a long moment. “I suppose I fulfilled the space the lack of a wife left.”
Alphard didn’t even excuse himself before he fled for the archway marked with a small WC above it.
Regulus didn’t manage to make himself look at Sirius for several long moments after they were left alone.
“Me too, for what it’s worth. Just… husband, and with Mother,” Sirius’ rough, tired voice was what finally made him look up. “You handled that great, kiddo, really.”
The praise felt like it punched the breath out of Regulus, or perhaps like he’d fallen from a dizzying height. His mobile buzzed and interrupted him before he could even reply.
[Text from Perenelle] Ça va?
Regulus merely sent a thumbs up in response, before changing it to a thumbs down and asking to meet outside.
“I need a minute. Je t’aime,” Regulus said, and pressed a kiss to Sirius’ cheek before following Alphard’s lead but with fully heading out the café’s doors. Perenelle had beat him to it.
“Not going well?”
“J’sais pas. Do adults typically ask questions they do not actually want answers to?” Regulus asked, miserably, and Perenelle laughed.
“Oh, all of the time, it is the only way to find out you do not want the answer, usually. Do you want a rescue?”
“I think it’s getting unsafe for public.”
“Oh?”
“My parents… had associates. The kind most do not want.”
“Mm,” Perenelle nodded. “Nicolas’s family, aussi. Perhaps he and you should have a talk some time. He was of course, of the generation of the Traditional Milieu . But he can perhaps empathise.”
“...I would appreciate if I could speak to him of some… details… at some point,” Regulus decided after a long moment debating it. “I have… questions… left.”
“That is only human. Ah, excuse me,” Perenelle moved to the side as Alphard came out of the door. He looked entirely taken aback.
“Oncle, this is Perenelle Flamel, my coach, who I told you of. Perenelle, this is my uncle Alphard,” Regulus introduced.
“It is a pleasure to meet you, madame,” Alphard managed, though he looked even more off kilter than before. “Regulus, I’m terribly sorry, but a work matter has come up, and I have to see to it immediately.”
“Bien sûr, oncle, please take care.”
“And you. Apologies for our brief meeting, madame,” Alphard almost muttered to Perenelle, who looked amused.
“It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, monsieur,” Perenelle replied, in an almost sing-song tone. “I wish you the best day.”
“Yes, yes… and you,” Alphard’s departure was awkward and it helped soothe Regulus’ doubts away of his uncle’s intentions. Alphard didn’t seem to have a negative ulterior motive if his reaction to a brief reference to the nature of Regulus and Orion’s relationship had him so rattled.
It took until Alphard had properly left the vicinity for Regulus to manage to relax.
“Come, Regulus. You need sugar. Your brother, as well, last I saw. Nicolas and I will keep you both company.”
From the look of Perenelle’s face, neither Sirius nor Regulus would be given an option in company, and Regulus only hoped his brother didn’t end up resenting him for it.
Notes:
Thanks for reading! Happy holidays, to those who have them, including New Year. I’ll see all who wish to stick around after chanouka ends, and hopefully after I’ve moved again (but like… reasonable timeline this time hopefully).
I wish the dip in subs on this fic and to my user were surprising but it really wasn’t–interest seems to move fast these days. To all still reading -- than you. You bring so much joy into my life. I wish I could respond to comments like I used to but hopefully I'll get around to all of them at some point <3
Tags added at this point: organized crime, dysfunctional Black Family, Black Family Drama
Rest assured, romance and flirting have not been forgotten. There will be more. But I’d be bored if I just wrote fluff with a bit of angstiness, to be quite honest with you.
Chapter 15: La Chute
Summary:
Regulus intended a private discussion not a public spectacle.
(I recommend rereading the prev chapter <3)
Notes:
[au littéral] Le fait de tomber: the act of falling down.
[au figuré] Le fait de passer dans une situation plus mauvaise: the act of transitioning into a worse situation, similar to 'the downfall' in englishHUGE thank you to my wonderful spouse, Moormage14, for beta reading this and like. 9-10 chapters across various things, during my marathon writing day <3 and also encouraging me to have a marathon writing day <3
Lessons learned so I'm sharing because it feels others might need to know, hypothetically: should you be an ao3 writer experiencing the Curse (™), do not mention you think you might be through the worst of the ao3 writer’s curse. It will come back with vengeance. Hypothetically, of course.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
When Perenelle and Regulus reached them, Sirius and Nicolas were deep in discussion already. Regulus did his best to participate and then to simply try and endure it. In the end, however, there were two ways that Sirius and Nicolas’s discussion could end from Regulus’ perspective. The first was that Regulus was going to have a panic attack, and the second was that he could simply walk out. Neither of them was being particularly loud, but the topic of conversation wasn’t suitable for the public, even if Regulus had started it with Alphard. This left Regulus in quite a state of panic, even though he himself had wanted to speak to Nicolas. He hadn’t strictly meant now, in public, without any discussion on how to do so safely.
“Ok, ok, c’est suffisant,” Perenelle clapped her hands as if Sirius and Nicolas were unruly schoolchildren, and inexplicably, they both settled. “Now. We are still in a cafe, which although lovely, is not exactly the place for this discussion, d’accord?”
Sirius looked immediately chagrined. Nicolas however looked unrepentant.
“What is the problem, Regulus?” Nicolas turned the opposition to Regulus, despite the fact that Regulus had only looked uncomfortable.
The question was only shocking in that Regulus hardly identified as an entity at the moment, let alone one that could have problems . “J’sais pas,” Regulus admitted after a long moment thinking it over.
“Je pense que…” Nicolas was cut off by his wife shaking her head. He looked for a moment like he might heed what Regulus considered the sensible course of action, but instead took a different approach. “Well, I think that not speaking of a thing simply due to fear gives power to the thing you don’t speak about.”
“I hardly think I give my father and his colleagues power, Nicolas,” Regulus tried, and failed miserably, to keep his tone from veering into snide. Nicolas had the kindness to look amused, at least.
“Non? You aren’t trying to escape them?”
“What, you would rather I what? Face them directly? I don’t want to kill people. Standing against them rather requires that I do that. That was made abundantly clear to me.”
Nicolas pursed his lips and made direct eye contact with Regulus. “There’s standing with them, standing against them with them in the room, and standing against them without them in the room. I am merely suggesting you stand against them in private.”
Regulus stayed silent until Sirius looked uncomfortable. “What am I doing, from your perspective?”
“Trying to ignore everything they told you, taught you, tried to make you.”
“Ah, but if that were true, I would not know you, let alone be speaking about this subject.”
“Figure skating is part of them for you?” Nicolas looked surprised.
“Was it not for you?”
“Mais non. I thought it was my escape. I was right.”
“It was, like ballet, like my schooling, like many things, a gamble for the highest income and accolades I could earn first my parents and then my father. I do it now because I love it, but at the end of the day, I am still in it because my father believed it would bring him more money via my potential for fame. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“I see,” Nicolas actually looked to be thinking the sentiment over, with far too much judgement for Regulus’ liking. “You needn’t scowl so, Regulus, I am genuinely reevaluating my overhasty judgements. I can see that I have been wrong for the entire time we have known each other, at least about some things.”
“You should not need to evaluate if I am in the right for how I handle something deeply upsetting to me, especially if my physical safety was ever in question in the process,” Regulus protested without bite, as he had given up and more or less slid down in his seat.
“You’re mistaken, I was not doing that.”
“Eh,” Perenelle replied with a slight shrug, and Nicolas looked immediately horrified.
“Je suis profondément désolé, Regulus. This was never my intention, so I am deeply sorry I crossed that line.”
“I don’t have a logical objection to you speaking about your former life of crime or escaping it or what have you, for what it is worth. I have an emotional response to you discussing something which is not exactly safe for public spaces, without being warned about it beforehand. I was not stopping you. I was merely not hiding myself.” It came out wounded and prickly, and Nicolas’ expression immediately softened further.
“Bien sûr, I am sorry,” Nicolas insisted with such earnestness that Regulus’ sense of woundedness faded within a heartbeat.
“Pas de problème,” he managed weakly, though it was admittedly around the sudden threat of tears.
“That’s actually my bad, I was just recapping and I should’ve asked you first, Reg,” Sirius commented, and Regulus waved it away.
“It’s fine, you deserve a chance to speak about it too.”
“I wasn’t quite a tool for her , not like you were for Orion.”
“Non?” Regulus regretted the challenge as soon as he started, because Sirius looked genuinely shifty in response. “You were not used as a dinner companion, for example?”
“A bit differently than you were,” Sirius looked even more uncomfortable, which was rather impressive.
“Yes, but we were raised differently anyway. You had dinner with her associates. In what capacity?”
“Training,” Sirius had shifted in his seat, and Regulus almost took pity on him.
“Training for what?” Regulus pressed.
“Being her successor. Alright, point proven, we’re uncomfortable about different aspects of the same thing. Content, Regulus?”
“Not particularly,” Regulus replied, yet let the point drop.
“I have only one question remaining. Is there anyone left in le Milieu’s grip that you would personally say doesn’t belong?” Nicolas’ eyes were difficult to meet, but Regulus had managed worse.
“Yes. Evan Rosier,” Regulus replied, and Nicolas nodded once.
“I’ll see what I can do, mon ami,” Nicolas murmured.
Perenelle thankfully took over steering the discussion into safer waters from that point forward, though it left Regulus without a sense of what ‘seeing what he could do’ might mean for Evan.
By the time Regulus and Sirius were freed–or more accurately, fed thrice and driven home–by Nicolas and Perenelle, they both looked exhausted. Regulus’ exhaustion changed to wariness, however, when the door to the flat was partially ajar.
“Hello, boys!”
Sirius’ shoulders relaxed immediately, but it was difficult for Regulus to tell his cousins apart by voice alone. He could guess it was Andromeda off Sirius’ reaction, but he required actual visual confirmation before he actually properly relaxed.
“I’m sorry I just let myself in,” Andromeda Tonks appeared anything but sorry about this fact when they finally reached the sitting room and Regulus was able to assess her appearance.
“No you’re not,” Sirius countered, and Andromeda laughed. It was such a hearty laugh that Regulus had to actually step back in sheer surprise. While he’d had the misfortune of spending a not-insignificant time with Bellatrix, who was equally loud, albeit in a shrill way, he had had the most exposure to Narcissa, as unlike her elder sisters, she’d also gone to the same school as Regulus and maintained her connections there. Narcissa was quiet, even when happy. There was certainly never a chortle from her.
“No, I’m definitely not, considering the Potter boy was here when I arrived looking all kinds of nervous to be caught out, so I suspect my ambush saved you a different ambush. Hello, Regulus.”
“Salut, Andromeda,” Regulus replied weakly.
“No, please call me Andy. No sense in so many syllables for me.”
“Says the person who named their infant Nymphadora,” Sirius’ teasing earned another laugh.
“Guilty as charged.”
“Why are you here, Andy?”
“Alphard rang me,” Andromeda clearly had absolutely no guilt about being sent after them. “He wanted me to determine if he’d caused permanent damage to either of you. What’s the verdict?”
“He needs to try harder if he wishes to do so,” Regulus dismissed it immediately. His brother sighed heavily. Andromeda’s jovial expression creased into concern. “I suspect that was not the desired response.”
“He specifically wants to not cause you damage, Regulus,” Andromeda looked disappointed, now. “I suppose it’s not worth asking why he’s asking?”
“He asked questions he didn’t want the answer to, which was mainly that if he wished to ensure no one who hurt me hurt another child, he’d have to start with our parents.”
“I see. That does sound upsetting–for all of you.”
“I’m beginning to get tired of it being upsetting, I think I’ve decided to not be upset,” Regulus declared.
“That’s not how feelings work, bunny rabbit,” Sirius did not look entirely certain of his declaration. Regulus tried not to let his irritation show through.
“I am tired of being afraid and sad and hurt, so I’m not. I don’t see why that can’t be how emotions work.”
“Sirius, give us a minute,” Andromeda said, and Regulus deflated immediately. He flopped down on the sofa with a gusty sigh, as if he was personally inconvenienced by people having good intentions. “So we’re in the sulky teenager phase, eh?” Andromeda teased, once Sirius’ bedroom door had closed.
“We’re in ‘people asked questions they didn’t expect answers to be what they were and then couldn’t handle it and I’m sick of them bothering to ask’,” Regulus corrected, though he did force some of his undeniable pout away.
“I see. Like what?”
“Like Sirius asking how many times I’ve been stabbed, or done the stabbing, or what life was like with Orion. Or Alphard asking for a list of names of anyone who ever hurt me so he could get retribution and then disliking the fact that Orion was the top of the list. Or Nicolas not understanding that the existence of my discomfort was not me asking him to stop just because I could not completely hide it.”
“Sounds like it’s that last problem in reverse for the first bit.”
“They make their upset my problem with words. I just looked uncomfortable. That is a different thing.”
“Fair enough,” Andromeda seemed to pause over it for a long moment. “May I join you?”
“Of course,” Regulus couldn’t quite hide his surprise at being asked.
“So… stabbing is generally concerning for people.”
“Yes, so I learned. I thought it was mostly an issue of the action given that you could bleed out. I didn’t know the concept was harmful.”
“It can be upsetting to learn that your friends and family have experienced poor experiences. Stabbing is generally considered a poor experience.”
“Oh, I apparently have a skewed sample–did your father ever attempt to, or succeed at stabbing you?
Andromeda looked surprised for half a breath before she dropped it in favour of mild amusement. “No, but Bella did. At his say so.”
“That counts. I think it’s less abnormal than Sirius said.”
“Unfortunately, Sirius is correct. Most people will not have even a hint of stabbing in their family dynamic.”
“But our family is not exactly a standard family to begin with, non? So perhaps extrapolation from normal families is already a poor comparison.”
“That’s a reasonable assumption,” Andromeda granted after a moment. “At least, I find it to be completely reasonable. Others are allowed to disagree.”
“Then I’m allowed to not be upset anymore.”
“Sure,” Andromeda hesitated to grant the agreement. “What does it benefit you?”
“What?”
“Why are you avoiding your upset, Regulus?”
“Because I cannot feel it anymore,” Regulus admitted after a long moment. “And the more I try to, the less I will be able to. So for now, I am no longer upset. I just want people to stop asking questions they do not wish the answers to.”
“I’ll see what I can do about getting you a private therapist. I suspect that might be a ‘licenced professional’ sort of issue.”
“Okay,” Regulus shrugged slightly.
“In the meantime, is there anything you wanted to talk about today that you didn’t get the chance?”
Regulus hesitated for a long moment. “Yes, but I don’t wish to untangle it now. I don’t know what happens after I do.”
Andromeda looked sad even though she smiled. “Well, I’ll give you my mobile number. You can call or text any time–and I mean any time–that you want. Understand?”
“Compris,” Regulus could barely make the word audible over the lump in his throat. Andromeda gave him a few minutes, then got up and put on a film before going to fetch Sirius for an impromptu film night that neither of the brothers found to be particularly optional.
Notes:
If you wish to read more of my work but were holding off on the unfinished bandfic, not only has the bandfic been completed, now its entire five work series has just been completed in an absolute marathon write today. If you like my work, and like the themes here, it might be worth checking it out here! (Or you can go to my profile and read the ‘Tea for the Tillerman’ series :)
Sending hopes for pleasant weather to everyone!
Chapter 16: Dix d'Épées
Notes:
Welcome back, I hope you’re all doing well, including those who comment on this fic with things that have caused some drastic changes.
CW: past and present child abuse, implied injuries, mental health issues including the author's. Shout out to my beta reader for kindly keeping me semi sane.
The Ten of Swords: a Tarot card. No, you’re not on a Mistigris universe fic. This is still technically Ice Ice Baby.
One interpretation of drawing the Ten of Swords in Tarot (divination not the game) is a sudden and abrupt (but inevitable) ending. Perhaps the feeling of being back-stabbed. Some may pick to be the victim, however if you are dealing with something that the Ten of Swords may cover, you have a choice in how you respond. You can be the victim, or you can choose your path forwards in light of the severe, perceived wrong-doing against you. I’ve always been of the mind that it indicates you need to control what you CAN control instead of focusing on what you canNOT control.Ice Ice Baby incidentally has a new playlist. More on this after the update.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Weeks passed without any further discussion between Regulus and his coaches about anything other than training. He wasn’t sure if they’d allowed him to throw himself in for his benefit or for theirs. Perhaps there was genuinely nothing to say or do on the subjects previously broached.
That was until one night, when at half one in the morning, Perenelle texted him to meet her outside of the flat he shared with Sirius. He only knew because Sirius had been awake, and she’d rung before she’d texted.
It didn’t take Regulus long after waking up to get dressed and hurl himself all the way down to street level, even though this did involve literally catapulting down several sets of stairs instead of walking or even running.
“Good, I was concerned I would have to come fetch you.”
“I would appreciate an explanation,” Regulus took great care not to betray how breathless he actually felt. Instead, he focused on ensuring his breathing was absolutely, entirely perfectly steady. Perenelle’s grip on the steering wheel was, after all, her only tell of tenseness.
“Nicolas has retrieved young Mr Rosier. I thought it might go slightly better if you could explain for him.”
“Did Nicolas kidnap Evan?” Regulus asked after a long moment, and Perenelle shrugged with a slight huff. “Did Nicolas have someone kidnap Evan?”
“Yes. It was… messy.”
“Yes, I expect it was,” Regulus wasn’t sure he’d ever sounded quite so British, but the shock had him pulling on his mother’s composure to try and hide any and all emotions that he might need to process. He couldn’t very well feel and process emotions, after all.
“He’s mostly unharmed. Evan, that is.”
“Fantastic,” Regulus’ tone indicated his extreme displeasure for him–no effort needed to be made on facial expressions.
Perenelle kindly left it there.
Evan looked like a cornered, wounded animal. It was an unkind comparison considering how frequently Regulus had to be talked down from similar positions, but usually Regulus wasn’t threatening people three times his age who were merely sat on their sofa. The instant Regulus entered the room, though, Evan fell back from the defensive position.
“Regulus?”
“C’est bon, Evan,” Regulus murmured. “I asked Nicolas to retrieve you.”
“It was Greyback.”
“Quoi?”
“Greyback retrieved me.”
“Nicolas, you do not have a friend, you have someone who takes everyone’s money.”
“Je sais ça,” Nicolas replied without a single ounce of regret or a moment of hesitation.
“Do you know about his preference for children?”
“Non,” Nicolas admittedly didn’t hesitate over this, either. “I did not. Rest assured, I will not employ him again. Against anyone.”
“Very good,” Regulus gave an absent acknowledgement, as he headed for Evan. “Are you terribly hurt?”
“Non,” Evan admitted after a long moment. Only then did Regulus attempt to take the knife Evan was holding as a lifeline. Evan handed it over without hesitation. “It was light and just a grab. I thought it was, you know. A typical grab. For money.”
“It was,” Regulus replied. “Just not for the usual employers. That is my fault, I should have told you I told Nicolas that you didn’t belong in le Milieu. It is my fault for asking.”
Evan’s brow furrowed.
“I will be coaching you, for La France,” Nicolas declared. “I have paid off your father never to contact you without you initiating first.”
Evan looked at Regulus with a slightly betrayed look for the briefest of moments, which Regulus thought might have been his imagination, but when Evan spoke again, it was with a tinge of hurt: “I would have liked to be consulted.”
“I apologise, Evan, sincerely. I did not know what Nicolas planned.”
“I apologise as well. I acted with haste to ensure it did not jeopardise you. I apologise for not including you,” Nicolas murmured, and after a long moment, Evan nodded firmly. From an outside perspective, it was a conscious decision to disregard the origin of his current circumstances. “Will you accept my offer, Mr Rosier?”
“I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“Bien sur–of course you do!” Nicolas looked horrified. “You can choose anyone else, or to not compete, I would not hold it against you.”
“I will compete for you, Monsieur Flamel,” Evan murmured after a long moment. “Regulus trusts both of you, and I trust Regulus. I will therefore trust in you not to mislead me on this matter. Even if it is an unconventional means of acquisition.”
Nicolas looked outright sheepish. “Je suis profondément désolé,” Nicolas murmured. “I had not considered the… consequences. I will, going forward. Regulus, perhaps you would be so kind as to stay the night, to help ensure Evan can be comfortable? Or we can take you back to your flat…?”
“This was not planned at all, was it, Nicolas?” Regulus’ fear broke into outright amusement, because Nicolas looked like he was at such a loss.
“Non, non,” Nicolas admitted. “But we are here now, non?”
“Evidemment,” Regulus murmured. “Evan?”
“Wherever you prefer.”
It was an immediate non-question. Even if they didn’t always get on, Regulus’ response would always be at home with Sirius. They were even let off for the next week of training, which had Regulus on edge, but Evan merely looked grateful for the adjustment time.
Sirius was sitting up. Regulus probably should have texted, but he was a bit busy doing the wound care that Evan had refused to let Nicolas do. From Regulus’ perspective, this had been an entirely reasonable decision.
“Oh. Hiya, Evan,” Sirius looked beyond uncomfortable as Regulus dragged a slightly bloody, bandaged Evan in to the sitting room. “What’s going on?”
“I was kidnapped. By Nicolas Flamel.”
“Nicolas had Greyback kidnap Evan.”
The two explanations came at precisely the same moment, and Sirius immediately closed his eyes and very visibly did the square breathing he was constantly trying to get Regulus to do.
“Right, so is there a plan?”
“I compete for La France with Nicolas training me,” Evan replied, with a slight shrug that had absolutely none of the concern he’d been displaying before Regulus had arrived.
“And are you both… reasonably unharmed? And unarmed?”
“Reasonably,” Regulus replied, and Sirius sighed, but nodded.
“Right. I’ll make tea. We’ll have a sleepover in here. Like when we were training together.”
It was true that Sirius, Regulus, and Evan had often been taken for multi-week intensives together as children, and had often slept on the floor because beds were often too soft after hitting the ice too many times in one day. Impact bruising often felt more painful with the uneven pressure of a soft surface.
“I will make up the sofa bed,” Regulus nodded emphatically, and beamed at the kiss that he received to his forehead from Sirius.
Sirius returned with a tea service and a pair of joggers and a clean t-shirt.
“You’re a bit broader than me, so these are my friend James’. You can shower if you want, after you have tea. With sugar, not optional,” Sirius sounded as if he was speaking about the weather. “I will even pretend not to notice if Regulus goes with you to do that.”
This garnered him a small smile from both Regulus and Evan.
Evan had quite a few more wounds than Regulus would ideally prefer him to have, but in the end, he hadn’t been more than lightly stabbed, and in his arm at that. A stab to the arm would do very little to actually hinder his ability to skate.
Sirius kindly didn’t comment on the fact that it looked like they’d spent far more time snogging than they had actually showering as they returned to the sitting room to settle in for the short remainder of the night. He did, however, look an unusual amount of relieved for the fact that Regulus was absolutely certain that Sirius usually disliked Regulus engaging in such activities.
Notes:
Announcement time. Congratulations to commenter number 21 on a specific subject, whose comment has not been deleted, as well as to about 80 comments that I deleted on a different subject. The 21 commenters who informed me that generative AI cannot generate chapters of this fic due to its subject matter have been a ‘ten of swords’ moment for me.
I am now so beyond feelings that this fic is instead being revamped with precision because I looped around to calm, just off my rocker about it. If you take a look through my other fics, you may gather some info like the fact that I am not well physically or mentally. I am not the author that will give you what you want if you beg, simply because my mental health is clearly not there for what you’re asking for, and this was my ONE lighthearted fic and I have repeatedly struggled to deliver what was being demanded (not always kindly asked for or just accepted as existing). This fic has had roughly 650 comments deleted total that were not polite.
I am so so sorry to all those who have been absolutely lovely the entire time. You did nothing wrong and I would love to be capable of writing the fic I set out to write. It’s not in the cards, so to speak, not with people doing this. So, this fic will get finished. But it will not be what I set out to write.
My goal now is to create the most AI-proofed fic I can (though I think Asterisk might already take that medal). There will still be figure skating. There will be romance, probably. All characters remain, probably. All other bets are off the table until I perfect an AI-proofed formula. I have two irl lawsuits ongoing and a third on the horizon, not to mention other people’s shit that I have to handle too. My life is shit. I do not have time for this nor an inclination to humour this kind of online nonsense. I do have a desire to AI proof my fic, though.
My recommendation: if you love something, don’t test the person holding the metaphorical gun. They might torture your favourite characters instead of giving you what you want. If you unsubscribe over this, that is soooo genuinely understandable, and I wish you well. As an audience, you’ve largely been great. I’m sorry I cannot give you the story you signed up for because my patience has been corroded, and furthermore my intentions distorted by the pain some of these comments have caused. However, if you wish a sneak peak, it will probably realistically just end up like a hybrid Wild World-Mistigris combo which is to say bittersweet ending with more crime than the average individual experiences. Really, it will just pivot towards handling the crime subplot instead of it remaining a subplot, that's all this really means, realistically. I'm just dramatic by nature.
This work is now a work of utilising the decay that came about through the fact that I was not well enough for the type of attention this fic has gotten (feeding it to AI, really??? demanding chapters was painful enough). Furthermore, if you or anyone you know put fics through AI for new chapters, can you at least not tell authors you’re doing it? That at least seems polite.
Until next time…
K, thx!
[XLnt, mr6! (...OSEF, ché)]
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