Chapter Text
In the end you are only a product of your fears.
Two months after Sanemi’s final departure you were showing enough that the building manager confronted you. You told her the truth, instead of her kicking you out for your transgressions, she was understanding. You were reminded of your mother. Warm hugs accompanied by the smell of your mothers perfume, feelings overwhelmed you as you cried in her arms. Shortly after that others in the house learned of your pregnancy, no one was really surprised or treated you differently regarding it.
Everyone was on edge until a messenger bird arrived.
We won.
You dropped to your knees with your face in your hands, your body shaking with sobs. The demons were wiped out and you were saved. Sanemi didn’t have to fight anymore, you didn’t have to fear going home anymore. The casualty list had yet to arrive, though you had heard enough from the first announcement. We won, but the casualties were unimaginable.
Your chest couldn’t take the news.
You were found in your bedroom, packing away the last few years of your life as if none of it had ever even happened. A few of the nurses found you, they had been drinking and celebrating. They invited you to join in their festivities even if you couldn’t drink. You waved them off and they went on their merry way, shouting and singing praises to the slayers. You merely laughed, rubbing your stomach as the baby kicked.
“You feel it too huh? I’m happy we won.” You whispered to yourself.
You heard your door open and when you turned the building manager was standing in the doorway holding a box. She presented you with children's clothes, taking out every article of clothing at a time and unfolding and showing them to you before refolding them.
“I had children once,” She started, “I had an older son, and two younger twin girls. You couldn’t get the twins to sit still even for a moment and you couldn’t get my son to leave his room, he was so absorbed in his studies.” Her smile was sincere. She didn’t say anymore beyond that and you didn’t ask.
“I no longer have a need for babies and children's clothes, so I’d like you to take them.”
“Thank you very much ma’am” You bowed your head a little, taking the box from her.
“Since there is no longer a need for these ‘safe houses’ I am dismissing the staff and giving them severance pay.” She set an envelope in front of you.
“I’d like it if you stayed.” Her voice was low.
“I can’t.” Your chest tightened, the last thing you ever wanted was to hurt her, “It’s…It’s time for me to go home.”
“Ah, I understand y/n, but don’t forget that you’re always welcome here and this place can be your home any time.” She smiled but you could see the way her eyes glistened with held back tears. She left shortly thereafter, telling you that should you need any food or supplies before you left that you were more than happy to take what you needed.
Your sleep was brief that night, your baby kicking every so often and waking you up. As soon as the sun rose you took a small cart and loaded it up with your things. The building owner saw you out and urged you to visit her because ‘An old woman like me gets lonely you know?’. A few of the remaining nurses and one of the cooks saw you off as well.
Your whole body felt electric as you left. Home seemed unreachable to you, the world seemed dangerous, but now you felt more…..at ease and safe. A few days prior you got your hands on a map and figured out a route home that wouldn’t be too taxing on your body. You weren’t worried about bandits seeing as every town you came across everyone was too busy celebrating. You used as little of the severance pay as you could along the journey, only buying necessities for the baby that you knew you might need later on.
When you returned back to your town everyone looked at you with big eyes. No one asked of course, about your slightly protruding stomach, but you could tell they all wanted to know where you’d been. Your family home was untouched, though nature was slowly overtaking the home. Tall grass and weeds winding their way onto the porch and ivy growing along the side of the house. The air seemed to still once you crossed the threshold. You felt as if you shouldn’t be there, like your presence was disturbing the peace that had settled. You left the cart at the gate, struggling a bit to open the stiff door.
“I’m home…” You softly said before making your way through the house.
Things were mostly untouched. A few wet spots from the roof leaking, some of the windows were broken but nothing appeared stolen, and there was of course, the lightly faded blood stains on the ground. Your bedroom was untouched, as was your parents and grandparents, a layer of dust coated things. You let nostalgia wash over you as you cleaned. Opening the windows and dusting things, your fathers tools were in wonderful condition. They were wrapped in cloth so they were untouched by dust and had no visible rust.
The sun began to set by the time you were done cleaning. You brought your things inside and put away what you could before your hunger got the best of you. Dinner was simple, rice and steamed vegetables. Sleep came before you realized it. Your dreams were filled with comforting memories of your family, it was as if you were still there with them instead of alone in this hollow shrine of a home.
You awoke with the sun and after a quick bath you set out to the grounds. It took you all afternoon and morning to pull all of the weeds. It was chilly outside as winter was fast approaching, you figured if you did a good amount of work now you’d have to do less come spring. Every so often you’d see someone out of the corner of your eye having stopped and watched you work, but no one came to actually talk to you. You took brief breaks when the kicking in your stomach became too much.
The backyard where all of the produce was grown was another story altogether. Violently overgrown and invasive weeds grew everywhere. The nearly rebuilt shed mocked you from the corner of the grounds, an unfortunate reminder that you were still alone. But you pressed on.
——————-
It took days for anyone to approach you.
It was a friend of your grandmothers. A lovely old woman, a smile on her face, and a basket in her hands. You were on your knees in the garden when she found you. She urged you too take a break from working so hard and that you two should relax and catch up. You had tea with her on the porch, the basket was all kinds of goodies and vegetables for which you thanked her profusely as you were beginning to run out. She told you that everyone assumed that you succumbed to your injuries. The worst you’d gotten was a scar on your shoulder, but so far no lifelong side affects.
You told her about your job at the safety house, about the kind owner, and the colorful people you worked with. You omitted the part about you and Sanemi’s ‘relationship’ seeing as anyone had yet to accuse or ask if you were pregnant. She said it was wonderful to have you back and that she knows your family would be proud for all the good you’ve done in the world. You cried, she patted your back and left shortly after.
Soon you were constantly flooded with guests.
Old friends and flames trying to reconnect, you kept your distance from everyone, not knowing what their intentions were. Some of the villagers caved, asking you to do minor carpentry tasks for them. You barely made it through winter, but you couldn’t hide your secret forever. Three of the elder women that were very close with your grandmother would visit often, almost every day, just to check on you and bring you anything that you needed. Tonight was such a night as all three women joined you for dinner, making all kinds of dishes. You didn’t hold back on your cravings, not noticing how they all smiled at you fondly while you ate.
“How far along are you?” One said
You choked on the food you were eating.
“Yes! I’ve been saying it was a girl but no one believes me!” Someone chimed in from your left.
“That’s because no one would believe an old senile witch like you.” All three cackled while you coughed and wiped your mouth while looking at the three old women with wide eyes.
“How did you-“
“Oh come on Y/N! Did you really think you could just hide that you were pregnant that easily? I mean sure, you’re more filled out, but you can’t hide anything from us.” They all giggled, agreeing with her.
I mean, of course you couldn’t hide it forever, you were just so focused on rebuilding your family home that you neglected to face this. They all comforted you that night, giving you advice and assuring that they would be there to assist in the birth. One of them dared to ask where the father was, you couldn’t tell them that you didn’t know, so you told them a lie that eased your conscience.
“H-He was a slayer that passed away in battle….” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth.
They cooed and comforted you through most of the night after that, all of them telling different stories about how they managed just fine after their husbands either passed away or left them. They assured you that you wouldn’t go through this alone. They would be there every step of the way and even after, as the first few months after birth are often the hardest.
____________
As winter raged and began to melt away, everyone else found out relatively fast. Your stomach was much more rounder and protruding, your hips ached as you walked, and your back throbbed and ached no matter what sleeping position you took. One of the elder women decided to stay at the house with you to help and prepare. She forced her son to help, who tried to resist at first but his grandmother's guilt weighed down on him. Mostly in the form of words ‘She’s a single mother! She can do twice the work you can! You can’t even help this much?’ Though he whined he gave in easily.
You grew frustrated day by day, whoever was over to help only remained in your way as you tried to rebuild the garden bed. Taking tools from you and ushering you out of the sun. When you voiced your concern the women wouldn’t back down, insisting that you must cherish your body if you hope to make it through the birth. They taught you breathing exercises and massaged your ankles no matter how embarrassed you felt. You gave in eventually, directing the helpers and teaching them the same skills your grandparents taught you.
It was a comfortable day when everything changed.
You had managed to convince them to let you work on the garden, just a little bit. The sun was out but it wasn’t beating down on your back, the breeze was cool, and the harvest was beginning to look wonderful. You were pulling on a weed, the root was so far down that once it finally came out of the ground you fell back onto your butt. One of the women on the porch called out to you asking if you were okay, however when you went to confirm you noticed that the ground was wet beneath you. And things hadn’t been watered yet.
Face burning with embarrassment, you yelled out that you peed yourself and didn’t feel it. The three elderly women rose and made a beeline for you, yelling for someone to help you get up. Once on your feet they were drilling you with questions. Even when you tried to answer, the first contraction started and you only doubled over and tried not to scream. You were helped inside while they organized a place for you to lay. Warm water and towels at the ready, they undressed you and made sure you were clean before trying to get you to practice pushing while laying down. Your whole body was beginning to fight and you wanted to pass out from it all. Your hair clung to your face with sweat as you screamed and tried your best. You lost track of time between pushing and becoming disoriented. You could barely make out their arguing.
“I told you it’s not going to work! She has to stand!”
What? Stand?
With the help of one of their daughters you were made to stand and grip a rope that was hung from the ceiling beam. They assisted you with squatting , one of them holding your back to keep you steady. They urged you to push, they encouraged you and praised you. The room began to spin, but you had to try, you had to keep trying. You couldn’t even feel yourself pushing, but you did feel when it stopped. The pain was gone. Relief overtook you and your body began to give out. As your conscience was faded out you swore, just for a moment, that you saw her.
Your mother.
_________
You felt like you slept for days and days. Your dream was brief and your body felt so heavy. In your dream you were sitting on the porch with your mother, watching your grandparents work. Your mother had cut up some watermelon and you were drinking long cooled green tea.
“You’ve done such a good job Y/N” Her voice is just as you remembered.
“But I ran away…from you…home….and even him.” The watermelon was so sweet.
“You lived.” The breeze feels so cool on your face as she speaks, “You’ve spread my mothers knowledge as well as your fathers and you never gave up.” She sounds so sincere. Your grandmother waves at you and you wave back as everything around you begins to blur.
“Never for a moment did we doubt you,” She takes you in her arms, you haven’t felt this safe in years, “Carry the love we gave you and never let it go.” She wipes your tears and her hands are so soft and warm, you can smell her perfume and all its earthy tones.
As the world dissolves away around you, you see your family wave goodbye from behind her.
And then you woke up.
___________
You’re back in your bed, or rather, your parents bed, you moved in there to turn your old bedroom into a nursery. Two of the older women are nearby sitting against the wall, one having fallen asleep with her head on the other's shoulder. You notice the room is eerily silent for a baby having just been born. When you struggle to sit up you can feel every part of your being ache, even when you blink. But you don’t feel tired, not one bit.
The door opens and enters the missing woman and she holds a bundle in her arms. You feel so scared, and you know your face shows it. The other two wake up and rush to your side, asking how you feel and trying to get you to eat and drink, but you don’t answer them. You merely hold your arms out for your baby. She approaches and kneels, showing you what your body worked so hard to create.
“It’s a boy.” She whispered.
He feels so heavy in your arms. His hair is white and you can’t hold back the tears anymore. They all surround and hug you, reminding you that you’re not alone.
You’re not alone.
“What are you going to name him?”
You think about that, it takes a bit, but you have the perfect name for him.
_____________
The final battle destroyed everyone’s very being. They won, of course, after the fiercest battle they ever attempted. Many of the slayers died in the throes of battle, tengen wasn’t even included in the battle considering he was missing one of his arms. Sanemi watched his own brother be bisected and fade away from his very palms. Genya told sanemi that he was the nicest brother in the world.
Sanemi still sees his face in his dreams.
The few permanent ‘scars’ he had from the final battle blended in with his past scars. Save for the windmill on his cheek that other slayers got after interacting with Tanjiro, though everyone’s was different.
He slept for a month.
The nurses called it a coma but he said he was just tired and he needed to leave NOW. All of his physical wounds were healed, but he still needed to be cleared by a different kind of doctor. It took him another month to finally be discharged. Tengen offered him a place to stay but he said he had other things to do. Tengen wasn’t stupid and knew what sanemi was after.
You.
When sanemi came to the safe house he was met by overgrown grounds and a missing staff. Your room was empty and when the building owner came to him to see what the ruckus was, she merely raised an eyebrow.
“Where is she?!” He was panicking. You said you would wait for him.
“She went home.”
“Well where the fuck is that?!” His hands were tingling.
She shakes her head, informing him that she didn’t know. She wanted to ask if he knew about the baby but if he didn’t know where she went, he couldn’t have known about that. After throwing more curse words at her he leaves. He doesn’t even know where to begin.
No matter who he asked, where he went, he couldn’t find you. It was almost as if you weren’t real and it was wearing down on him greatly. He’d take breaks for a few weeks, seeing some of his former Hashirama. He never stayed in one place for long never wanting to let go of the determination to find you.
He spent so long looking for you, time didn’t matter to him. Before long, five years had passed right by the both of you.
_____________
The recovery from the birth was much harder than actually giving birth. They showed you how to breast feed and change diapers. They explained the changes your body will endure and guided you through the dark tunnel of post partum depression. The moments when you felt you couldn’t call yourself a mother, they would deny you this right. Telling you that you birthed him all the same. You were the sun and he was the sky. That's right.
You’re precious little Sora.
He grew faster than you expected, through summer and by the time winter came he was holding onto the wall and guiding himself around your home. When he learned to speak he tried to speak like the elderly ladies who helped you raise him. His hair was wild and as white as the clouds in the sky.
Once they decided you were fit enough to work the farm mostly alone they began to limit their visits, not that you were bothered by this.
By the time his second birthday came around, he was beside you in the garden trying to pull weeds. As much as you wanted to urge him to go play with other children, you knew he only wanted to help. So you let him. You even dug him his own special garden. He would kneel with you while you prayed at the family shrine. You would mostly apologize when you first got home, but now you were telling them every single update with sora.
He was shy and reserved, he dreaded when the old women would visit, anticipating cheek pinches. He didn’t mind when they gave him lots of snacks and brought him toys here and there. You would tell him endless stories of your parents and grandparents. You didn’t shy away from telling him about death and told him they were always watching. Being a mother wasn’t easy of course, sora broke things and would act out and throw tantrums every once in a while.
You wouldn’t hit nor yell.
You’d make him clean his messes up. You’d make sure he apologized if he said something that would hurt your feelings and explain why those things hurt your feelings. You’d be there to guide and teach, not embarrass and beat.
When he turned four some of the kids from the village would begin to visit your farm, kindly asking if Sora could play. Your heart would swell at the sight of him bounding off with his friends. Sometimes they would stay there and play in his room or even ask you about aspects of the farm. He was still reserved and sweet, but you could see him begin to come out of his shell.
You too began to change along with your son.
You sold your produce in town and did carpentry jobs. People would comment on how your work was just as wonderful as your fathers and you would bow and thank them. Your produce always sold well and sora would only become more and more eager to help you at your stall.
__________
The village was bustling, more people having moved in and newer houses being built. Just the other day someone had come to your door and informed you that a school was being built. Sora stood behind you, clinging to your dress and only sneaking glances at the man speaking to you. The man gave you a flier, telling you that you were more than welcome to enroll your son once the fall season comes.
The following day your stall had more customers than usual, so you told Sora he could take some money and go buy himself some treats. You were so busy taking care of customers that it took you a moment to notice someone staring at you, eyes boring into you. When you caught his gaze you made a confused face. You’d never seen this man before. He was beautiful, yes, but something about him seemed….familiar. Upon looking at him some more, you noticed that he was missing an arm. He smiled at you and you smiled back.
“Hello, what could your name be?” His voice was lilting and mischievous, as if he’d found something he shouldn’t have. So you tell him and his smile only grows wider.
“What a lovely name!” He doesnt hide his amusement.
Before you could ask him his name he proceeds to buy quite a bit of your inventory. Once you helped him load it up into the small cart he paid you more for your help, you couldn’t thank him enough. When he went to leave you saw a white blur of hair run and smack into his leg. You inwardly groan because you know exactly what happened.
“Sora, are you okay?” You help your son to his feet, “Sir I am so sorry for my son, he’s-“
Tengen immediately tunes you out, his eyes locked on sora instead. The shape of Sora’s eyes and that striking hair are not easily missed. Not to mention you’re the prized treasure his colleague has been looking for. Once you’re done talking he holds his hand up and smiles.
“No problem at all ma’am.” His smile is sly and not missed by you, “Kids will be kids.” He laughs and you follow along.
After he departs you scold sora lightly, reminding him to watch his surroundings before he gets seriously hurt. He apologizes and you let him go back off with his friends.
The rest of the day is a blur as you’re lost in your thoughts trying to place where you’ve seen that man before.
_____________
Upon returning home, tengen tells his wives he has an important mission for them all.
To find Sanemi.
They all look at him like he’s lost his mind but when he informs them that the very thing he’s been looking for has been found and has a bonus with her, they’re invested. They treat it as any other mission, following different leads and determined, if anything, to cause a ruckus as their husband does.
Makio finds sanemi first.
He’s resting at an inn on some mountainside she didn’t bother remembering the name of. She sneaks into his room, finding it empty and huffs, musing to herself that she couldn’t believe she missed him. Unfortunately, the knife pressed against her back says she came at the right time.
“Why the fuck are you here?” He’s tired and agitated.
“Tengen says he wants to see you!” She can barely hold back the excitement in her tone.
“No.” He pulls the knife down.
“He said it’s about ‘some woman’ you’ve been obsessing over.”
He feels like he can’t breathe and he wastes no time packing up and leaving with her. The journey is short, as sanemi doesn’t stop to rest at all. Even when Makio complained and insisted they take a break, he threatened to leave her there.
He marches through tengen’s home, not taking his shoes off, not greeting anyone, stomping his way through until he finds him. Meanwhile Makio gets reacquainted with her bath and bed. Tengen is relaxing with suma and Hinatsuru. Sanemi looks a little worse for wear and the sight of the lovesick dog makes tengen chuckle.
“Sanemi~ You’ll never guess what i found~” He teases sanemi, who has no patience and hasn’t had any since he woke up in the hospital.
“I will rip your other fucking arm off if you don’t tell me where she is!” His voice echos and tengen and his wives are unaffected by the aggression. He holds out a little slip of paper that sanemi snatches and turns to leave.
“You’re gonna like the surprise that you find!” He calls after him but sanemi pays no mind.
_______________
Sanemi really tries to get there without stopping, but eventually exhaustion gets the better of him and he stays at an inn on the way. When he does arrive at your village, well, now a ‘town’ with all the new advancements that are being made. He sees things that you’d described to him. He doesn’t know where you are and doesn’t hesitate asking. He sees three older women sitting together nearby, having tea and chatting. They’re the first ones he asks about you and they ask who he is before giving any information.
He tells them he’s a good friend.
They hesitate but tell him and he could almost kiss them he’s so thankful.
The gateway to your farm is just as he imagined when you described little details, he runs his hand over the carvings your father created when he repaired it. The grounds were well taken care of, expected of you and the skills you had. He was frozen at the doorway. Every feeling he had for you was hitting the roof and going to spill out. He was so angry because you didn’t stay, so confused as to why you wouldn’t even leave him a letter telling him where you went, and so scared of what he would find. Have you moved on? All of the thoughts were overwhelming him. He couldn’t believe what he was doing.
He snuck around and into the back.
He saw how beautifully you’d tended to the land, he saw the shed that you had repaired and took notice of all the small things he’d been told.
He even noticed you, with sora.
Your back was facing him, not that you’d be able to see him of course. You were crouched and showing sora something Sanemi couldn’t see. The white hair wasn’t a detail that was missed on him. You stood up and said something before walking off into the house. Once you were out of sight Sanemi watched as sora began to pull things out of the ground, carrots. He was pulling them carelessly and leaving them on the ground. One was too big and harder to pull out. One it came out sora fell back and the carrot was out of his hands.
On the ground a few feet in front of sanemi.
He’s frozen as sora runs over to pick it up. Sora stares at sanemi, sanemi feels like he’s staring at a picture of himself as a child. Save for his eyes, sora's eyes were the same as yours. Sanemi took a step back and wanted to run before you came back and saw him but he couldn’t.
Sora grabbed his wrist and the almighty Sanemi Shinazugawa, a famed hashira, the last wind pillar before the corps were disbanded, was powerless as he was pulled along by a five year old. Sora was firing off questions at him ‘who are you? Where are you from? We have the same hair! Are you here to see mama?’ Sanemi couldn’t answer a single one.
You come out the back door holding a basket that you planned to give to Sora to collect the carrots in but you dropped the basket as soon as you stepped out. Sanemi had the same look of bewilderment on his face as Sora kept talking and pulling him. You looked more beautiful than when he last saw you. Your hair was longer and your body got a little more fuller, but he could still see the same stars in your eyes that he’d been chasing this entire time.
“Y/N I-“ Sanemi didn’t know what to say, not that he had a chance.
Because you ran.
Back into the house and into your bedroom, shutting the door and locking it. You lean back against the door, your heart thundering in your chest and your legs feeling weak. Just like that, every memory of sanemi hits you like a train. Every moment you two whispered secrets, the way he’d run his hands all over you, and even the first and only time he’s said he loved you. You slide down and clench at your chest, trying to calm down and take deep breaths. There was a banging on your door, one that you recognized.
“Mama! You said to be polite when guests visit!” Sora scolded you from the other side of the door. You knew that he wasn’t the only one waiting on the other side.
“Go finish pulling the carrots!” You call and after him trying to debate with you he huffs and stomps off.
Sanemi taps on the door gently, carefully, just to be fragile with you like he always has. It’s as if all the anger and resentment melted away the moment he saw you. He turns and leans against the door, sliding down to sit against it. Without it there you two would be sitting back to back. Neither of you know what to say, so you start.
“Shinazugawa-San I-“
“That’s not my name. I thought we agreed you’d call me by my name the last time we talked.” His voice is soft and he even laughs a bit at the end.
“I’m sorry….”
“Is he mine?” He sounded hesitant and you scoffed.
“Are you really asking that? Do you see his hair? Do you think I’d want to be with anyone else?” You aren’t thinking as you speak.
“Yes.” His voice is small. Of course he thought that! As much as the thought made his skin prick, he had to entertain the idea that maybe when he found you, you had moved on, “Why didn’t you wait for me?”
“I was scared.” He scoffed at your response.
“Of what?”
“Having to face if you had died.”
“Well I didn’t”
“Yeah I know that now!” You snap out of irritation.
He's silent and so are you. Both of you trying to figure out how to pick everything back up, considering you two skipped a few steps and now had a son.
“Sora’s a weird name.” He remarked.
“Yeah well you weren’t here to name him” You grumbled, and it must have struck a nerve.
“Well I didn’t know you were pregnant!” You flinch and bring your knees to your chest.
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d stay and if you stayed and didn’t help in the final battle, you’d never forgive yourself. I couldn’t be that selfish.”
He said nothing. Because you were right. If you’d told him he’d stayed and what would the outcome have been without him? What would’ve become of the world then?
You hear the wind blow and you know that you can’t keep yourself locked in this room forever, but you’re so scared of your own emotions.
“How did you find me?”
“Tengen.” He didn’t sound too happy to say that.
“Eh? I don’t remember seeing him.” You try to pinpoint in your memory if you’ve seen a flashy pretty boy recently.
“He has one arm now so it’s kind of hard to miss.” One moment sanemi is upright and talking and the next you slide the door open and the back of his head hurts from where it hit the ground.
“The man that Sora bumped into weeks ago?!” You finally start to realize why that man was so amused at the sight of sora, Sanemi laughs at your reaction.
“You’re still beautiful.” His voice wraps around you just like it used to. Low and grating, making your face flush.
You don’t think you can run from him this time.