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*
“Ugh, the Dib-human is spying on me again,” Zim says as he pulls yet another camera out of the wall. Who knows how many more there must be.
Zim isn’t sure who he’s talking to. GIR definitely isn’t paying any attention. He's far too invested in the movie he’s watched ten times in a row. It’s as if he doesn’t remember anything that happens, so he has to keep watching it over and over again to get it drilled into his memory.
“There has to be a better way of dealing with this,” Zim continues talking to himself.
Every time he removes one of those cameras, another one shows up within the next few days. Zim has no clue how Dib keeps getting in to place said cameras, but it’s starting to drive him insane.
It’s been years. You figure he would have blocked off any possible way for Dib to break in at this point, but he hasn’t. Somehow or another, that human always finds some other secret entrance that Zim is completely unaware of. Perhaps this human drills in through the wall? Who knows.
GIR starts laughing loudly at the movie on the screen. Zim walks over, curious. What is the plot of that movie? He doesn’t actually know. GIR has been watching it repeatedly, and Zim has had no interest in it up until now.
“What’s so funny?” Zim questions.
GIR obviously doesn’t answer, but what happens on the screen clues Zim in on the humor. There’s a male human hiding in a closet. It’s one of those closet doors that looks like a vent, with many little slots for him to peek through. Zim watches as a female human enters the bedroom that the closet is in.
Much to his absolute horror, that female human starts to undress. The male human in the closet starts breathing quite heavily. Zim gets more and more disturbed the longer the scene goes on, but luckily it doesn’t go on much longer. After undressing, the female human walks into a connected bathroom.
The male human quickly throws open the closet door and rushes out of the room. His face is bright red and he’s sweating bullets. He runs all the way out the front door of that house. He climbs into a car waiting at the side of the road.
“Did you learn anything?” a human in the driver’s seat asks him.
“Remind me to never do that again,” he says, shaking his head violently.
Zim blinks. So, that human plans to never spy again because he saw the person he was spying on in an exposed state? That seems odd. If one is spying, shouldn’t one want to see the person in an exposed or vulnerable state?
Then again, as he mentally applies it to his own situation, Dib has never seen him exposed. The chamber Zim uses to clean himself cleans both him and his clothing. Irkens don't have to undress to bathe. Undressing means losing a lot of defense; Irkens never undress unless they absolutely have to.
Would seeing Zim in that state shock Dib so badly that he’d never spy again? It’s worth a shot, considering nothing else Zim has tried has worked thus far. Maybe Zim can make it even worse for him with his acting abilities. If Zim can fool an entire population into thinking he’s one of them, well, he can certainly fool Dib.
Besides, Dib is a teenager now. Based on what Zim has learned from being on Earth, teenage humans are rapidly approaching sexual maturity. The hormones, the restrictions on their lives placed by their authority figures, their hypersexualized media, it all culminates into a mass of sweaty, emotional, horny humans that can never seem to get enough.
In other words, if anything is bound to work, it’s this.
Using human sexuality as a weapon. That’s something Zim never thought he would do, but it might just prove useful. If this works now, think of all the things he could do in the future to render Dib completely unable to stop him.
Zim walks back over to the wall. He examines the small camera curiously. Surely there must be some sort of indication that it’s recording, right? Maybe a blinking light or a shift in the lense. Zim will just have to watch for that. Once that happens, it’s showtime.
*
Dib has several cameras inside of Zim’s base. Cameras that come complete with HD visuals and audio.
Currently, he sits at his computer, flipping through each one individually and trying to find Zim. There is something so creepy about still cameras inside of Zim’s base. Maybe it has something to do with how uncanny everything in that base seems to be.
At a glance, it looks like a normal enough house. If you look at it closely, however, you notice how so many things are off.
Those decorative Hobby Lobby signs that nearly everyone has in their houses say things like “I Eat Food” and “Enjoy Breathing”. Certain appliances are in rooms they absolutely don’t belong in. Every painting looks as though the artwork was generated by an AI.
It’s most certainly an alien house. However, the house itself isn’t enough to prove anything. Sure, it looks like a house between dimensions, but that could easily be some sort of Earthly cultural difference or someone with peculiar taste.
So, the only way Dib can prove anything is to get a good quality image of Zim without his disguise. That seems like it would be easy with his access to technology thanks to the mad scientist that is his father, but it’s surprisingly difficult.
The pictures don’t turn out. The camera breaks. Zim discovers and subsequently destroys the files. Somehow, someway, the camera captures something embarrassing that Dib did, so he can’t get the film developed. People see the picture and accuse him of doctoring it.
It’s been years. Years and years of failure. Yet, he continues to try. What’s the definition of insanity again?
At last, Zim appears on his monitor.
He’s in the “living room,” if one can even call it that. It has a sofa and a TV like most other living rooms, but it also has a creepy painting and a robot sitting on that sofa.
Dib watches intensely, waiting for the perfect moment to start the screen-recording. Videos are a lot harder to edit than pictures, after all.
Zim’s eyes scan over his living room. Dib’s breath gets caught in his throat as Zim, for a split second, locks eyes with the camera. Did he notice it? It doesn’t seem like he did, considering his eyes immediately continue onward as if they completely missed it. Hopefully Zim doesn’t see the reflection of the lens.
"Oh, GIR," Zim says. "What is going on with me lately? Something inside me just feels so… wrong!"
GIR doesn't seem to be paying any attention. He seems too focused on the TV to listen to anything Zim is saying.
"I've been on Earth for so long! I think it's starting to get to me." Zim lets out a heavy sigh. "I've been wearing this uniform for years! I feel like it's starting to suffocate me! I'm going crazy! I need to take this off!"
Then, he does it.
He actually does take his uniform off.
Dib's jaw drops.
Zim lays there on the sofa, his unnaturally thin, green alien body on full display. GIR doesn't notice at all. Again, he seems far too focused on the TV to pay any attention to his master. His completely nude master.
Zim lacks reproductive organs. There is nothing between his legs. His waist is so scarily thin, as if there is nothing there but his spine. His ribs poke through his skin, protecting what has to be his bizarre alien super organ. He stretches, showing off his bony arms and legs.
"That's better…" Zim says, letting out a heavy sigh. "Being an invader is so difficult. I just need to relax…”
Dib is gawking so badly at the screen that he completely forgets what it is he wanted to do in the first place. Something about starting a screen recording? What button does that again? Button? Why does he need to push a button? Why is he watching Zim again?
Zim isn’t wearing anything. His body is so strange, so otherworldly. Dib finds himself wishing he could get a closer look, wishing he could go there and strap Zim down and inspect every last inch of his skin. What would it feel like to wrap his hands around Zim’s waist? He’s had his hands around Zim’s neck before, and it seems like his waist wouldn’t feel much different.
Again, Dib’s breath gets caught in his throat as Zim scans the room with his eyes. Once again, those eyes pass right over where the camera is. Can he see it? Or is he just looking because he isn’t sure if there’s a camera there or not? Is he worried about being seen so exposed like this?
“I’ve been thinking, GIR,” Zim says. “All the humans around me are growing and changing much more than I am. Humans clearly develop at a different rate than Irkens do. All the ones around me are reaching their adolescence. They're approaching sexual maturity. I could potentially use that to my advantage.”
What is he talking about? Dib’s heart is pounding in his chest. Using human sexuality to his advantage? What does that even mean?
“Specifically, that arch nemesis of mine, the Dib human. He’s definitely approaching his sexual maturity. Have you seen the way his body changed? He grew so much taller, and his voice got so much deeper, all in such a short span of time. It’s almost… intimidating.”
That one makes Dib relax a little. Zim is intimidated by him. That’s hilarious. Zim thinks he can use that to his advantage, well, Dib clearly has the upper hand.
“Human sexuality makes them weak. I’ve seen it countless times in movies. Their desires for each other cause them to do such stupid things and make themselves vulnerable. They’ll allow themselves to be completely taken advantage of in exchange for intimacy. If I can get my hands on him and do certain things to him, he’ll be mine.”
What? Dib blinks. What is Zim’s plan? Is his plan to get Dib in bed and have some weird kinky alien sex? What does he think will happen as a result of that? Does he think Dib will just give up at everything and decide to be Zim’s sexual partner for the rest of his life? Does he think Dib has that sort of desire for him?
“Of course, I don’t have reproductive organs, but I do have one thing that could potentially be useful.”
Dib watches in shock and horror as Zim takes off one of his gloves. He reveals his claws and his unnatural number of fingers. Then, something even more horrifying happens.
He uses his tongue - his long, freaky tongue - and starts licking his hand. That tongue weaves between and wraps around his fingers in a way that probably would be sexy if it wasn’t so terrifying.
What is he doing!?
Dib shoves himself away from the desk. He shoves himself a little too hard, though, and he ends up falling backwards straight onto his bedroom floor. His desk chair lands with a loud crash, and he himself lets out a scream.
From downstairs, he hears his dad: “Son, what’s going on up there!?”
“Nothing, dad!” Dib shouts. “I’m fine!”
“There better not be any more walking dead!”
“There isn’t! And I said I was sorry for that!”
After laying on the floor to regain his bearings, Dib slowly pulls himself back up. He stands his desk chair up and falls back into it. He then violently pulls himself back in front of his monitor, staring in pure horror at what’s unfolding on his screen.
“Yes, could you imagine it, GIR? Imagine how weak he would be, just lying there, letting me do whatever I want to his fragile human body…”
Every word out of Zim’s mouth makes Dib’s muscles even more tense. He grips the edge of his desk so tightly that it starts to hurt his hands. His teeth clench so tightly that they begin to ache. His heart hammers in his chest.
There is definitely something wrong with Zim. Something very, very wrong. Perhaps he was right when he said he was going crazy a few minutes ago. Earth definitely seems to be getting to him with the way he’s talking about sex of all things.
“Yes…” Zim hisses cheerfully. “I’d just leave him there, gasping for breath, completely exhausted. He’d be so worn out that he wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop me!”
What is happening? Did I accidentally discover Irken PornHub? Dib wishes he could just reach forward and turn the video feed off, but he can’t. His hands are locked around the edge of his desk, unable to move. It’s as if the video itself is holding him hostage.
“The intimacy itself might even feel good. We both have such intense feelings for one another. Sure, it’s an intense feeling of hatred, but that might just make it better. It would be so violent, so forceful. I know he has a tight grip, and my claws would definitely leave marks. His blood tastes oh so sweet. Would we even be able to stop once we started?”
Start what? What could they start? Zim doesn’t have reproductive organs. He wouldn’t be able to experience any of the same pleasure that he seems to think Dib would. What even makes him think Dib would want to do anything like that? Especially with Zim of all people.
Sex with an alien, what would that feel like? Zim is so skinny, yet he’s apparently very strong. Very, very strong. And he has claws… and that tongue…
Stop it, Dib! Dib violently slaps himself across the face. He knows he’s a total weirdo, but he definitely isn’t that much of a weirdo, right? He is obsessed with all things supernatural, but he’s obsessed with it in the sense that he wants to learn about it and capture it and study it. He wouldn’t go so far as to attempt to have intercourse with something not of this world, right?
“It’s a fun fantasy,” Zim says, “but I doubt it will ever come true. Such a shame. Oh, the things I would love to do to my nemesis now that he’s gotten so tall. I sort of have a thing for tall people. They're just so… desirable.”
Of course it’s my height. Of fucking course. For some reason, Dib finds that offensive. If he hadn’t grown any taller, would Zim still feel this way?
Dib forces himself to take a deep breath. He has to calm down and turn that video feed off before things get any more awkward, before his thoughts get any more confusing and intrusive and alarming.
He reaches forward, ready to push that button and terminate the program.
“And,” Zim says, “I know my dear, sweet nemesis is watching me right now.”
That one stops Dib in his tracks. He stares at the monitor in pure horror. Has Zim seen the camera?
The fact that Zim is now standing right in front of the camera, glaring straight into it, says that he absolutely has seen it. He knows it’s there. He has known it’s there the entire time.
“Did you really think I didn’t notice this camera? You are terrible at spying on me. Every single time I removed one of these cameras, another one took its place. So, I figured, you wanna see me, Dib? You want a show? I’ll give you one.”
Dib can’t so much as take a breath. His heart pounds so hard that he can feel it beating right out of his chest. He once again is completely paralyzed, gripping the edge of his desk.
“I know my anatomy fascinates you. You got a good look at it just now. Sure, you didn’t get to see my internal structure, but I wasn’t about to cut myself open on camera for you. Even I have my limits.”
Does he have limits? It seems like he doesn’t. It seems like Zim is willing to go to great lengths to get what he wants, including exposing himself on camera just to freak Dib out and make him question his own sanity.
“Next time you wanna see me, just tell me. I’ll get a plan sorted and we can battle each other the way we usually do. You have no idea how much I despise these creepy little spy cameras! There’s a reason I keep destroying them.”
Zim reaches forward and pulls the camera out of the wall. Dib watches as Zim crushes that camera in his hands, and the video feed goes black.
Thankfully, that video feed going black gives Dib enough freedom to shake his head and rid himself of the rest of those intrusive thoughts. No, he absolutely does not have any sexual desire for Zim of all people.
Though, he can’t deny that he is somewhat curious about how that would feel. How would Zim’s tongue feel on his-
STOP IT, DIB! He frantically shakes his head again and stands up. He then proceeds to dive onto his bed and shove his face into the pillow so he can scream without his family hearing it.
Curse Zim for doing this to him. Curse Zim for doing a lot of things to him. Zim always finds a way to make Dib’s life a living Hell, even in the most unconventional of ways.
*