Falling to Earth

by violaswimmer

Summary:

Taking place after Mass Effect 3.

It’s been two years since Commander Shepard died to save the rest of the universe. With everyone separated and to the wind, Joker finds himself back with the Alliance piloting the Normandy. When shore leave turns into a fire fight between rival mercenary groups; Joker realizes that Shepard may not be as dead as they all thought.

Chapter 1: And She Died

Footsteps padded behind him, Joker turned to see who it was, noticing how soft the steps sounded. 

Shepard was walking towards him in a black tank and cargo pants, barefoot. Dark hair cropped short and curly against her head, amber eyes bright. Scars brighter on her dark skin, and hard to ignore. Really hard. 

He turned forward in his chair again looking at the console. 

“Hey, Commander. What are you doing awake?” Joker asked, more concerned than curious. 

If he knew one thing about Commander Shepard it was that she could sleep like the dead where and when she wanted. She could wake up when she wanted to too, and didn't even need an alarm clock. She told him it was a skill she learned when she was growing up on different military bases with her parents. That was the most she ever talked about herself... ever. 

“Can’t sleep. How's the Normandy?” Shepard asked. 

“She flies even better than before, although this thing…” Joker gestured to EDI’s projection, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.” Joker said. 

“I can hear you, Mr. Moreau.” EDI chimed. 

“I know.” Joker said. 

He heard nothing from Shepard but he was sure she was smiling. He swallowed, he had meant to talk to her earlier. But she had just come back from her last mission looking tired and weak, not at all like herself. So he put it off, and then put it off some more. 

He spun his chair around quickly. 

“Commander I…” Joker began, but he stopped short. 

She looked beautiful, in a I’m-proud-of-my-commander kind of way or that’s what he told himself. But Joker was pretty sure everyone was a little bit in love with Commander Shepard. She had been looking at one of the projection screens but turned her attention to him. The scars on Shepard's body didn’t even matter. Joker swallowed. 

“I’m sorry.” He said finally. 

Shepard blinked, clearly confused. 

“For what, Joker?” She asked. 

He took a breath.

“For getting you killed.” Joker saw it register in her eyes and he continued quickly, trying to get the words out before she could interrupt.

“I know that if I hadn’t stayed behind and tried to save the Normandy you would have lived and we wouldn’t be in this Cerberus mess right now. I’m sorry. I will not disobey an order from you again and no matter what I’m not going to abandon you again. I swear.” Joker said, his voice breaking a little.

Shepard looked at him sadly. 

“Jeff…” Shepard began. 

“No! Don’t say you forgive me, don’t say anything. I heard you, we all heard you suffocating. Your comm was on Commander. We heard you die. It’s my fault.” Joker finished.

There was a moment of silence. 

“What I was going to say is that it was my fault.” Shepard said. 

Joker blinked.

“What? How the hell does that make any sense?” He said. 

 “Everything that happens to this ship and its crew is my fault. I’m your commanding officer. So no, Jeff. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were doing your job. So it’s all on me, you don't have to blame yourself.” She said. 

Joker was stunned into silence for a moment.

“That’s bullshit.” He said finally.

Shepard smiled. 

“Jeff, if it makes you feel better, I forgive you. You thought you could save the Normandy, I can't blame you for that. Since I’m still standing here I'd say that everything’s pretty good, wouldn’t you? So finish your shift and get to bed. I don’t want my pilot getting too tired.” She finished, turning to leave.

“Yes, Commander.” Joker said, spinning back around. 

He smiled to himself, she called him her pilot. 

He heard her feet pad away. 

---

It’s been two years. Joker could hardly believe it himself. After part of the Citadel crashed to Earth and the Reapers were destroyed, the Normandy made the slow journey back. Joker and everyone on board had hoped that when they got back to Earth, someone would have told them that Shepard had survived somehow. But of course not even Viola Shepard could not outlive death twice. 

The first time she had died was his fault, he knew that. The second, he broke his promise. He abandoned her… again.

Joker missed EDI. She had become a new constant in his life but the moment the Crucible fired, she died. It wasn’t anything spectacular, she just… stopped and so did the geth. He wasn’t sure what Shepard had done, and if she knew what would happen. But he wasn’t going to blame a dead person. In the end she did what she had to do to get the job done, and even noble actions have consequences.

When they had landed back on Earth the Alliance had ordered the ship back into the military's hands which meant everyone else on it had to get off. Liara, Garrus, Tali, everyone that wasn’t Alliance was left on Earth with the other alien armies, stranded while the relays got repaired. After about a year the relays were basically as good as new, pretty makeshift but as long as everyone got from point A to point B nobody really gave a shit. 

But Joker missed them, the current Normandy crew was good but without those voices he knew so well, the ship didn’t feel the same. So now when they docked for shore leave Joker actually got off the ship and headed straight for the bar. He just had to get away sometimes which was weird, he never felt that way about the Normandy before. But without Shepard, it didn’t feel the same.

They docked at Omega which Aria had reclaimed shortly after the relays were back up and running. The crew was given shore leave by Commander Jake Sanders, who now was in charge of the Normandy. He was a good guy but no one would ever be Shepard. She was something special. 

So as soon as the order came over the intercom Joker was already getting out of his seat.

“All crew, this is Commander Sanders, you are now on shore leave while the Normandy gets repairs. I expect everyone on board by 0900 tomorrow. Dismissed.” The message finished.

There were several “Aye Ayes” that Joker didn’t join in. As he got up Samantha Traynor met him, the doors to the cockpit sliding open. 

Her hair was smooth and she looked so put together, all the time. She smiled at him.

“Jeff! Taking shore leave?” She asked.

She already knew he was.

“Yeah, got to take a break when I can, you know?” Joker shrugged his usual easy-going attitude coming forward. 

“Great! You should come with us to check out the club on Omega, I hear the drinks are to die for.” She said, Joker hesitated. 

Samantha's eyebrows crinkled a bit as she softened. 

“Jeff, I know everything is still hard… but you should try to get to know some of the crew.” She said, and Joker sighed.

“How can I get to know them when the Normandy changes hands more times than a hot potato? No thanks.” He sounded bitter to his own ears.

Samantha’s smile faltered.

“I know… but it doesn’t change that much. Everyone here has been here at least six months. I’m worried about you. Just come. Please .” Samantha asked quietly.

She looked concerned and with that accent, well he didn’t have much fight in him anyway.

“Okay, okay. I’ll meet you there.” He said reluctantly. 

Samantha smiled and left before he could ask where they were getting drinks. 

---

Joker went to Afterlife because well, it brought back memories and he was pretty sure this was the best bar on the station. Mainly it brought back memories of Shepard. At first, in the beginning, everything reminded him of her. But now the pain wasn’t like a sharp knife but rather a dull ache. He wasn’t sure it would ever go away but alcohol still helped. 

Shepard’s boots clanged on the metal of the cockpit. He turned to look at her as he usually did and found she looked not-so-good. His stomach tightened.

“Commander? Are you okay?” Joker asked immediately. 

Shepard looked at him, her eyes a little unfocused, her usually warm dark skin looking grey below the surface. Sweat on her forehead. She looked sick and tired. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She said, crossing her arms.

“Uh… no offense Commander but you look like shit.” Joker said not in a funny way but in a concerned kind of way. 

She squinted her eyes and closed them, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Apparently the bartender at Afterlife doesn’t take kindly to humans. He poisoned my drink.” She said matter-of-factly looking at Joker again.

Joker paled.

“He did what?!” Joker said, outraged, “Are you okay? Shouldn’t you see the doc?” He asked. 

She gave a light smile.

“Yeah I’m fine. Apparently Cerberus made me mostly poison proof, this…” She gestured to her paled skin and sweaty forehead, “Is just my body working through it, I should be fine in a few hours. Although I have one hell of a headache.” She admitted. “That bastard is going to get what’s coming to him.” She said, Joker leaned back in his chair, relieved. As long as she was alright.

As long as…

By the time he got to Afterlife he realized that things had, in fact, changed in the last two years. He never had really been inside the bar before but from what he had heard it was a badass club. But the club he was standing outside of… not so much. 

It was dingy and dirty, there was no security and he was pretty sure those were bullet holes in the walls. Joker guessed that Cerberus had done a number on the place and maybe Aria just didn’t bother to fix it. But the dark space coupled with the loud music, and technicolor lights made the club almost seem the same. So bullet holes or no, it was a bar. As long as there was liquor, Joker could make it through forced socialization.

Joker made his way to the bar and ordered a drink from a friendly asari. 

“Hey honey, what can I get you?” She asked sweetly. 

“Anything with a tiny umbrella.” He stated. 

She gave him a strange look but he got what he ordered. 

Joker sat there drinking, the music pulsed against his head. But as he looked around he realized that the bar was mostly empty with no sign of any of the people he was supposed to be meeting. Even the dance floor was sparse, maybe he had gone to the wrong place. He assumed that he would see more of the Alliance crew here but he didn’t see any of them. Was this a slow night or…?

He didn’t really have time to dwell on it; a commotion sparked in the club as several shots of gunfire went off at once. Joker’s head was shoved unceremoniously under the bar by a large hand shortly after and the room spun as he reoriented himself. He looked to see who was manhandling him and saw a black uniform without any insignias. A mercenary? Why the hell was a merc keeping him out of trouble? The mercenary shot off a couple rounds over the bar, which Joker now realized was not the best form of cover, as they were huddled among the stools, before checking on him. 

“What the hell is a… shit . You’re Alliance. What are you doing here?” The voice asked, it was completely robotic neither man nor woman. The merc was wearing a full uniform with a helmet. Joker couldn’t see their eyes and he couldn’t tell their gender. But that wasn’t really the issue at the moment. 

“What the hell is happening?!” Joker yelled back over the gun fire. 

The mercenary moved to shoot someone across the bar before ducking under the lip of it again.

“This bar is in a territory dispute! Aria has a new bar across town, basically gave up on this place months ago! Everyone knows not to come here for a drink unless you want your fucking head shot off!” The mercenary said, shooting two more rounds. The targets screamed in agony. The mysterious stranger grabbed Joker roughly by the back of his shirt to move around the bar to avoid more fire.

“Clearly you didn’t get the memo!” They said, forcing Joker to duck again, this time among the dusty alcohol bottles. 

Well that explained it. 

“So what are you doing saving my ass?!” Joker shouted, curling into the bar even more as a shot got dangerously close to his feet.

The mercenary turned to him while they reloaded their weapon.

“Just because mercs kill contracts doesn’t mean we want to get innocents involved in our shit! Although I thought you were a civilian when I first saw you! Where the hell is your weapon?!” The merc questioned firing more rounds. The shots were lessening. 

“I-I don’t carry one.” Joker admitted. He left it on the ship, which was stupid .

The mercenary came back to cover, looking at him through their pitch black helmet.

“Well that was fucking stupid. This is Omega, if you’re not carrying you’re a target!” They stated. 

They peaked over and nearly got their head blown off. 

They grabbed Joker by the shoulder.

“What are you doing?!” He asked.

“We have to get out of the firing range! My men are about to be overrun! Which means you’re about to be overrun! We’re leaving.” They stated.

“What?! I’m not in armor… I’m-uh.” Joker sputtered.

“No time for complaints, Alliance!” The merc said. They moved to crouched in front of Joker. “On my signal you move and I cover you, got it? That door leads to the lower level, get through it and we can make our way out of here!” The merc said.

Joker just sputtered for a moment, honestly how did he get himself into these situations?

“I have to be back on my ship at 0900 tomorrow!” He shouted.

The merc just turned to look at him, robotic voice unsympathetic. 

“For fuck’s sake just get running!” They said.

Joker didn’t have to be told twice, although running wasn’t really his thing. He hobbled when the merc gave the signal, covering him as they shot the remaining enemies. The mercenary was right, Joker could hear an army of feet stomping towards them in the distance. 

The black suited mercenary came to his back quickly and gestured for their men to follow suit. They made their way down the hall leading to the lower level, Joker’s new friend yelling out orders in that robotic voice as they went. 

“Yuri! I want those doors sealed, encrypt their asses on the other side! Make it last!”

“Davidson, you better help Jenkins while we have a minute! I don’t need a blood trail back to our base!”

“I swear to god Nicola if you don’t reload that weapon and cover Yuri, I’ll shoot you myself!”

Something about the orders reminded him of the Alliance, and of Shepard too. But it was likely that this completely masked stranger used to be Alliance. The military life wasn’t an easy one, so mercenary work ended up being a lot of people’s calling after they retired. Everyone moved with the efficiency of a well oiled machine, taking orders and giving them. It was clear that this group had been together for quite a while.

As they all gathered by the door and continued firing, Yuri made his final encryptions and gave a thumbs up to Joker’s masked savior, who nodded and signaled to keep moving. The doors shuttered closed behind them, pings of gunfire could be heard making contact with the thick metal. But the door held.

The group moved, forming a circle around their mercenary commander as they turned off the main tunnel into a smaller one that was awash in yellow lights. 

“Alright so now that we’re out of firing range, can I go back to my ship now?” Joker questioned. He had made his way to the front of the slowly moving pack.

The black suited mercenary turned to him, weapon in hand before turning back to look where they were going.

“You came in the Normandy right?” The merc asked, “The kind of repairs you’re getting require that you stay off-ship. That means even if you go back you’ll just be sitting outside of your ship without anywhere to go. And now…” There was a pause, “Well let’s just say that other mercenary group thinks you’re with us. So no-go on going back to your ship, or a hotel, tonight. Unless you have a death wish.” The robotic voice matter-of-factly. 

Joker blinked, hastening his stride to keep up.

“How the hell do you know that?” He asked.

“There isn’t much that goes on here that I don’t know, Alliance.” They said. 

“My name isn’t Alliance, it's Jeff Moreau. Friends call me Joker.” Joker said. 

There was a pause for a moment. 

“Well, Alliance, I'm not your friend but I go by Vis. Welcome aboard.” Vis turned slightly to look at him through that dark helmet. “Enjoy the ride.”

Joker realized that he was totally screwed.

Chapter 2: Turbulence

Summary:

Joker stays the night with Vis and their heavily armed mercenary group. But not all is as it seems.

The mercenary group remained relatively silent as they went the rest of the way through the maintenance tunnels. Joker was more focused on keeping up than asking questions, although the group was moving slowly. He couldn’t tell whether they slowed down for him at some point or if they were just being cautious. 

Eventually the party of heavily armed men plus Joker turned and came to a set of large steel doors washed in red light. Home sweet home, apparently. Vis stepped forward accessing the door with their omni-tool before the doors jittered open and the group poured inside. Joker blinked as his eyes adjusted. 

The room was not much different than the rest of Omega, walls made of steel with beds and sleeping rolls placed on one side of the room with large monitors on the other. Bright white lights so everyone could see. A kitchen in the corner, med equipment in the other the two separated by another set of steel doors. Vis continued to walk forward as members of their group met with them and departed just as quickly, all talking over one another as Vis was handed different data pads one after the other. 

Joker followed a little ways behind before Vis’s robotic voice grabbed his attention.

“Alliance, I’ll show you where you’ll sleep.” Vis said. 

The people around them dispersed and went on with their duties. Joker hobbled after Vis, as they made their way further into the room. They came to another set of doors that Vis opened. Joker expected a cot or something, maybe even a real bed. 

But no. 

The room itself was basically empty except for a gun locker in the corner and the saddest looking mattress Joker had ever seen on the floor. It didn’t even have sheets . 

“Uh… I’m sleeping here?” Joker asked, gesturing to the offending mattress. 

Vis tilted their head.

“Yes. Something wrong?” They asked.

“Uh… that is the worst mattress I have ever seen. It looks as hard as a rock.” Joker went over and poked it with his foot for good measure, “ It is a rock .” He confirmed. 

Vis remained silent.

“Is this your bed?” Joker asked.

“Yes.” Vis confirmed without hesitation.

“How do you sleep on this thing? For the leader of a mercenary group I’d think you would at least get a bed, maybe a fancy one.” Joker said. 

Vis shrugged or at least twitched.

“I don’t sleep much.” Vis stated, as if that was enough of an explanation. They walked over to the gun locker and unloaded their weapons in silence. He noticed that Vis didn’t even try to take off the helmet or any of their armor.

“Do you not take off the armor either?” Joker joked, as he began to make the painful journey to the floor to sit on the mattress. 

Vis paused briefly before answering.

“No, I don’t take it off.” Vis said back turned to him.

“Why not?” Joker asked, now curious.

“You ask a lot of questions for someone who should be more cautious.” Vis said, turning to him.

“I like to know about the person who saved my sorry ass and who isn’t asking me any questions.” Joker said, crossing his arms. 

Vis’s helmet made a noise similar to a sigh.

“I don’t ask questions because I already know what I need to know. You’re an Alliance soldier from the Normandy. Nothing more to say.” Vis paused, “I wear the suit because of an injury. I wear this suit… like the quarians do. That’s the story.” Vis said.

Joker was momentarily stunned into silence. That wasn’t what he expected.

“Well you can’t stay in a suit your whole life, right?” He asked, curious. 

Vis paused, leaning against the wall and crossing their arms.

“True, the suit filters most of the air and slowly introduces more and more air that hasn’t been sterilized. But the process takes a long time so that my body doesn’t go into shock. I have at least a couple of more months before I can even try to take it off. But it is the price you pay to survive.” Vis said. 

Joker was silent for a moment.

“Can I ask?” He said softly. 

“You can but I don’t know if I’ll answer.” Vis stated.

“How were you injured?” Joker asked anyway.

Vis paused, without seeing their eyes it was hard for Joker to even try and read their expression. But Vis's shoulders relaxed, as if deciding it was better to tell him, or maybe hoping he would shut up if they answered. 

“I survived a building crashing to the ground and an explosion during the Reaper attacks on Earth two years ago. Most of my injuries were burns and broken bones but that’s all I’ll tell you.” Vis said. “You don’t even need to know this. Get some sleep, Alliance.” Vis said, pushing off from the wall and walking towards the door. 

“Friends call me Joker.” Joker said.

Vis paused to look at him through that black helmet.

“Alliance, like I said before. I’m not your friend .” Vis said before they walked out, the door shutting behind them. 

---

Vis luckily wasn’t an animal and actually gave Joker a blanket and a pillow (no sheets though) before disappearing completely, which Joker guessed was his que to sleep. Despite the cold floor and hard mattress Joker did eventually find sleep, he hadn’t expected to be so tired. But dreams took him almost immediately. 

Joker is standing at the bar with Shepard, the dance floor of Purgatory was completely full. He had been dancing for a few minutes before but realized that maybe with this many people he should take a break before he got bumped and broke something. 

Joker made his way over to the bar and looked around while he waited for his drink. He saw the Commander sipping a glass of whiskey nearby. Joker hadn’t seen her since the start of shore leave yesterday, Shepard had disappeared completely and didn’t tell anyone where she was going. None of them had asked. 

She wasn’t exactly dressed for the club in her sweatshirt that EDI had come up with (with his help of course although the dancers would still have been good too). Joker grabbed his drink and made his way over to her. 

“Hey Commander, how are you doing tonight?” He said, standing next to her among the other bar patrons.

Shepard turned and smiled at him looking dazed. 

“I’m good.” She raised her drink and they clinked their glasses together. “Still dancing I see, taking my advice?” She asked as she sipped.

Joker took a swig of his own drink, the tiny umbrella tickling his nose. He plucked it from his drink and put it in one of the holes of his hat, causing Shepard to smile. He loved her smile. 

“Of course! Haven’t broken a bone yet.” He said cheerily. 

“Good! I think you should avoid that.” The Commander said seriously. 

Suddenly the bar was quiet. Joker noticed that everyone was gone. There was no one in the entire bar. Even the music had stopped playing. Everything was palpably still. Shepard put down her glass and the tiny clink it made was so loud it caused Joker to look at her as she stared off into the distance, her eyes so far away. 

“You know you should really stop having this dream Joker.” Shepard said, turning to look at him with those amber eyes. “I’m dead. You need to move on.” She demanded, Joker looked at her and swallowed hard. 

“I can’t. I can’t move on. You were… you were everything to me. You were the heart of the Normandy, my Commander, my friend and I-I abandoned you. Left you on your own and you died because of me. Again. And I-I didn’t realize it until it was too late but I love you! I did the entire time but I was too scared to say anything! You were more than my friend and I-I…” He said the tears felt so real as they slid down his cheeks. 

Shepard shook her head. 

“I wish-“ She sighed, looking away from him, tears of her own filling her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. He had never seen her cry, “I wish you had said that to me when I was alive.” Shepard breathed.

Joker’s eyes snapped open, an intake of breath and hot tears sliding down from the corner of his eye. He gasped and brought his arm up to his eyes covering them as the tears continued. Joker stifled a sob, rubbing his eyes desperately to stop the flow. It felt so real, and his heart ached in his chest. But Joker stopped in his tracks as he heard voices on the other side of the door to Vis’s room. They were muffled but had startled him out of crying so Joker couldn't help but listen.

“What are we doing about Alliance?” A voice asked.

“We’re taking him to his ship tomorrow.” Vis’s robot voice chimed softly.

The second voice sighed with frustration.

“Look, I know you still have Alliance ties but you nearly got us and him killed today.” The voice said outraged.

“What did you want me to do? Let him get shot? He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I couldn’t just leave him-“ Vis explained but was cut off.

“No. He is a part of the Normandy, the Normandy . I know what the Alliance meant to you but she isn’t around anymore. She’s been dead for a while now. Do you know what they would do to you if-” The voice stopped abruptly as there was a commotion.

Specifically the sound of someone being shoved against a steel wall and hard. 

“ Shut. Up. Jenkins. Don’t remind me, I know . I am not the same person and you know that.” Vis said. 

There was a tense moment of silence.

“Sorry… Vis.” Jenkins said. 

There was another pause and then the sound of feet hitting the ground. 

“Don’t question me again.” Vis said finally.

“Understood.” Jenkins replied.

Joker heard their feet walk away, his heart pounding in his chest. 

She? Dead? The Normandy? It couldn’t be . 

No. He shook his head, Joker was getting too far ahead of himself. Vis could have been anyone who got injured or whatever two years ago. Could have known any dead woman from two years ago, even a dead woman from the Normandy. So many people were injured and killed during the Reaper invasion and Joker couldn’t go down that train of thought. It was impossible. But despite himself, Joker had a glimmer of hope. 

---

The next morning Joker was unceremoniously awoken by a firm grip on his shoulder, shaking him. Despite everything that he had heard last night he had apparently fallen asleep again. He blinked his eyes against the bright lights of Vis’s room.

“I’m up.” Joker said sleepily. 

He looked up to see Vis standing over him in their black armor, they nodded and turned to the gun locker and strapped an unbelievable amount of weapons to their person as Joker tried to get up from the mattress. It really had been a rock. He wondered where Vis had slept last night. With the help of the wall he managed to get upright or at least mostly upright. 

By the time he was standing, Vis was already moving. 

“We’re taking you home, Alliance. I made contact with your commanding officer and explained the situation. Commander Sanders seems like a decent man, and he’s sending a shuttle. I’m going to take you there and making sure you get on in one piece.” Vis said, shoving thermal clips into their belt.

“If we’re going to the shuttle why do you look like we’re about to go to war?” Joker asked walking gingerly over to Vis and trying to work out the stiffness of his legs from his night of hard rock torture.

Vis paused and turned.

“My group has been fighting on behalf of Aria to reclaim Afterlife from the Blue Suns. After driving Cerberus off of Omega the Blue Suns leader expected Aria to get her ass into his bed. She refused and here we are. My men and I have been making a real mess of their plans, we’ve taken pretty much all of their territory and gave it back to Aria. Everything except…”

“Afterlife.” Joker said.

Vis nodded, “Obviously the Blue Suns are pissed. They’ve been trying to find our base for weeks. I don’t know if they know where we are but they sure as hell will try anything at this point. Likely as soon as we make an appearance they’ll be on us like flies on shit.” Vis said, clicking a thermal clip into their pistol, “Not to worry, you’ll make it to your ship without any bullet holes.” Vis finished. 

There was silence between them as Vis made to walk through the door before Joker interrupted. 

“Why?” Joker asked, Vis looked at him, “Why are you going so far? Is it because you knew someone on the Normandy?” The question had come out of his mouth before he thought about the consequences but he had to know, to ease his mind. 

Because if it was her , in that suit, she would say something right? Because they were friends, maybe she had her reasons for hiding but surely…

“I knew someone on the Normandy. You knew her too. Everyone knows her now.” Vis said, looking at the floor. 

Joker could barely breathe but the name came out like a whisper, “Commander Shepard.” He said.

Vis paused and nodded. 

This was much more plausible than her being alive, and Joker's heart fell a little at the realization.

“How did you know her?” Joker asked quietly. 

Vis paused again, but he waited, he knew that losing someone like Shepard took time. Vis had been through so much already. Having a building crush you during the battle of Earth? Knowing the person who sacrificed themselves to save the goddamn universe? It was a lot, and Joker didn’t even know, couldn’t even imagine what else Vis has been through. Joker felt a connection between them. 

Shepard was that connection.

“I knew her before she was a commander, when she was Viola. We… trained together, we were in the same unit before Akuze, before she transferred to that unit anyway. We stayed in touch, met for drinks every once in a while on the Citadel.” Vis said.

His dream, or his memory mixed with his dream…

Joker hadn’t seen her since the start of shore leave yesterday, Shepard had disappeared completely and didn’t tell anyone where she was going. None of them had asked.

Maybe his dream had been accurate about one thing, maybe Vis was the person she always met on the Citadel, it made sense. 

He wondered for a terrible moment what Vis meant to Viola Shepard. 

Joker nodded, quiet.

“She talked about you, you know.” Vis said.

Joker’s head nearly snapped off of his neck, as he looked at Vis quickly. 

“What? What did she say about me?” Joker asked, a little too quickly. 

Vis shifted, leaning on one leg and crossing their arms. 

“How you were a good man. A good friend, funny, she was always telling me your jokes. How she was worried, she was worried about everyone on her crew. But especially about what would happen to everyone after… everything. But she was worried about you the most.” Vis paused, “She never told me the details of what happened during the two years she was dead the first time. But she said that this time she knew that she wasn’t going to make it back. She wanted to make sure you were okay, and she thought you would take it hard.” Vis said. 

Those words hit him like a ton of bricks. Shepard knew she wouldn’t make it back. She knew that Joker would take it hard. She knew and somehow that made everything worse. But of course she did, it's not like any of them had high hopes of survival but there had been hope at least. Most of them made it. Most. But she didn't. Joker felt sick.

Echos of his dream rang hollow in his head.

Joker’s breath was coming a little short. Vis placed a heavy hand on his shoulder, seeming to sense his distress.

“I have something for you, Alliance. Shepard gave this to me before the battle for Earth. I didn’t listen to it, a lot happened and it was hard. She never really told me what it was for. But it's some audio files. Maybe, maybe this was really meant for you and the crew of the Normandy. I’m not sure why she gave it to me to keep. But take it.” Vis said, they dug through a small pocket on their belt and retrieved a small flash drive which was almost hilarious. Joker wasn’t even sure he had a machine that could read this thing. The plastic was all busted, but the drive itself looked like it would function. Joker took it with shaky hands as Vis pressed it into his palm. 

Vis squeezed his shoulder. 

“We should get you home.” Vis said, their robotic voice seemed almost gentle but Joker was pretty sure he was imagining it. 

He nodded numbly, his hand squeezing around the flash drive as he put it in his pocket.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

---

The trek up to the shuttle platform seemed to take a million years. But Joker, doing his best to keep up with the group, touched the flash drive in his pocket. He had to know what Shepard wanted to say. 

Why give this to Vis? Was this meant for Vis? Was it meant for him? He couldn’t know until he heard it.

"Are you still with us, Alliance?" Vis's voice interrupted his thoughts. 

"Oh, yeah, yes. Sorry, just tired." Joker lied. 

Vis seemed to appraise him for a second before nodding slowly.

"Sure, well you're almost home. Not too much longer now." Vis said.

Joker just nodded and continued forward. But as Joker was so distracted, they were there before he knew it. Wherever there was anyway. Vis opened the final door and they entered what appeared to be a port that was completely empty aside from cargo. But no shuttle.

“Are they late?” Joker asked.

“We’re early…” Vis said, trailing off. 

A shot rang out, striking Vis’s helmet with a loud crack, their shields destroyed by the round. Vis stumbled backwards, losing their footing at the impact.

“Vis!” Joker yelled, a soldier, Jenkins rushed and pulled Vis out of the way of the door. Joker was shoved to the other side as a large man came in front of him, taking cover and firing at the Blue Suns outside the door who seemed to have appeared from out of nowhere.

Joker looked around his protector to check on Vis, their helmet was cracked, Jenkins checking the impact zone as Vis moved his hand away. 

“I’m fine!” Vis shouted, taking out their pistol and firing at the Blue Suns that seemed to swarm the open cargo bay. 

Vis had apparently decided that the pistol wasn’t enough and shoved it into their belt and pulled out the sniper rifle, and with deadly efficiency killed the two snipers stationed in the back of the cargo bay. 

“Move!” Vis shouted. 

The men moved, two of them had hands on Joker, acting as a shield, their own suit shields covering him. 

Joker had never been in a fire fight. Well he had been in one at the collector base years ago, but that didn’t really count because he wasn’t actually in it. He had seen plenty through Shepard’s suit helmet during his time with her. It looked like hell, but this was more than he could have imagined. First of all he couldn’t hear anything, he had no idea how anyone could coordinate any type of attack while being shot at. Second he couldn’t even think, his body and his brain were just screaming RUN! But luckily that wasn’t his job. 

The two men shoved Joker next to a pile of cargo. Vis was now next to him but not facing him, but he could see the crack in their helmet which spread to the side of their head, that must have hurt. 

“Are you all right?!” Joker shouted to Vis. 

Vis reloaded their sniper and aimed, firing a single shot, the Blue Sun stationed on a tall pile of cargo fell to the ground with a sickening thud. 

“Yes! Hurts like a bitch though!” Vis replied. 

“But your suit, is it fine?!” Joker asked. 

Vis switched weapons rapidly firing their assault rifle at the incoming Blue Sun mercenaries. 

“For now!” Vis shouted, looking over the cargo again. 

“Your ride is here! Let’s go, Alliance!” Vis said, grabbing Joker roughly by the front of his shirt. 

Vis had Joker crouch in front of them, then sort of curled around him, Vis using their body as a literal shield as they shoved Joker forward. 

“What are you-?!” Joker said, he was shuffling slowly because he could barely walk properly. 

“Shut up Alliance, let’s go.” Vis said, their pistol now in their hand, they fired as the two slowly crossed to the other side of the bay, and the shuttle with two Alliance soldiers was open, the soldiers inside providing cover fire.

As they neared, Vis removed themselves as the walking big spoon from Joker, and fired at the Blue Suns. 

They turned to Joker and said, “I’ll fire and you’ll run as best you can to your guys. A couple of feet, we’ll cover you.” Vis signaled to the Alliance soldiers and they nodded, firing continuously. 

But Joker had stopped breathing, the whole mess around them fell away as he stared at Vis. The helmet had cracked and the part of the helmet that masked the mercenary’s eyes had broken. The eyes that stared back at him were the beautiful amber eyes in his dreams and in his memories. 

Viola Shepard. He couldn’t see the rest of her face, and what he did see looked different but the eyes. The eyes were the same. With the way he was staring, Shepard must have known, her eyes crinkled in the way that showed she was smiling. 

“Shepard…” Joker said, barely a whisper. 

“Goodbye, Joker.” She said, and shoved him. 

The shuttle had been a few feet away, and hands quickly grabbed him. He shouted her name again but it was lost in the gunfire.

Chapter 3: Hide and Seek

Summary:

Shepard is alive, but a moment of happiness devolves into questions. How did she live… and why is she hiding? Joker must figure out a way to meet "Vis" again.

They all gathered around a large round table. Admiral Hackett, looking tired for the first time in his life, stood at the front of the room as people took their seats. There was no celebration of victory here, everyone barely talked, knowing that this meeting would detail the events leading to the death of Commander Shepard. The woman who had saved them all.

"Hello, everyone. Thank you for coming." Hackett began as people took their seats, "This meeting is to debrief you on the events leading up to the firing of the Crucible, and we’ll end with our current recovery efforts. We'll begin with the invasion." He explained. 

The next hour was a detailed explanation of everything leading up to the assault on the beam, to enter the Citadel. Joker tried to pay attention, but his stomach was in knots. And by the looks of it, he wasn't the only one having a hard time. Garrus was looking at the table, hands clasped together and shielding his eyes. But Joker could tell that he was barely holding it together, the intensity bleeding off of him as the report went on and on. Joker remembered what Shepard had said to Garrus, as he was evacuated on the Normandy. Shepard's comm had been on, everyone heard it. 

 

"You know that no matter what happens here… you know I love you. I always will." Shepard said, barely heard over the chaos. It was a goodbye, and they all knew it.

"Shepard, I… love you too." Garrus replied. 

 

Then she ran off. That was the last time anyone saw her alive.

The regret on Garrus's face was clear even if he shielded it from view.

"We lost many on the excursion to get to the beam. Including Admiral Anderson." Hackett paused, "At first we were unsure if anyone made it onto the Citadel. But our scans showed that Commander Shepard had. Our connection was weak, and she was injured. We were able to pick up some metabolic scans from her suit." Hackett stated. 

A hologram of the Citadel showed a dot, representing the Commander's location. Beside it, a hologram of her suit showed the damage she sustained. It was amazing that the suit could send any data at all, bits of it had been blown off at some point. 

Burns, a serious cut to her abdomen, broken ribs, fractured ankle, more cuts, internal bleeding, and shrapnel painted a picture of a woman who managed to survive when most did not. She kept going despite it and Joker swallowed, feeling ill at the amount of pain she must have been in. Joker knew a thing or two about pain, but this… this was too much.

"Shepard couldn't hear us for a time, but we could hear some from her comm. I will be playing the recording now. The Commander seemed... to be talking to someone." Hackett said, his brows furrowed.

Static, a high pitched tone came into the room. Joker winced. Shepard's voice came through a moment later, the words barely perceptible through the noise. 

A sharp intake of breath struggled through Shepard's mouth. 

"Anderson?" She asked, Joker's heart twisting. Anderson was already dead on Earth, Shepard just didn't know it. The transmission cuts out, and it's just static for a moment. 

It comes back abruptly, after another high pitch tone sounds. Almost like feedback. What the hell kind of interference is this? 

The sounds of Shepard's strained breathing and grunting. A sigh, every movement sounded painful.

"I feel like death." She began with an almost breathy laugh followed by a pained huff of breath, "But I'm moving… It's dark. There's human remains scattered." More static. More screeching.

"Makes sense." She says after a moment. 

Who was she talking to?

"Sure." Shepard grunts, "They round them up on Earth… then bring the people up here to be processed." She finishes.

The screech, almost like a scream, came back louder… almost like it was responding to Shepard. Like it was having a conversation with her. Could she not hear it?

Hackett pauses the recording. 

"For the next four minutes we completely lose contact with Shepard. Scans show her making her way to a control panel here." He says, pointing to the Citadel map.

"She stays in this area for eight minutes before we can reconnect with her. During this time, Commander Shepard does eventually manage to open the arms of the Citadel to allow the Crucible to dock." Hackett explains, the dot of Shepard barely moving. Was she struggling with her injuries? She was just… standing there, for eight minutes.

"The Crucible docks, but does not fire. We are able to finally reconnect to Shepard. I will play this recording now." Hackett says.

The static is back, but the screeching is gone. 

"Anderson?" Shepard questions, she sounded so lost. 

Joker felt tears come to his eyes. Was she hallucinating? What was happening to her?

There is a moment of silence before General Hackett's voice comes in. 

"Shepard? Commander." Hackett demanded.

A pause.

"I… I… W-what do you need me to do?" Shepard asked, breath coming out sharp. The heart rate of her suit, which had shown a great level of stress before this, was now too low. She was losing steam, and fast, the adrenaline leaving her system. 

"Nothing's happening. The Crucible isn't firing." Hackett explained. 

A grunt, the sound of the comm being hit. Hackett continued.

"It's gotta be something on your end." He said, sounding more desperate than Joker had ever heard him. 

Silence, just laboured breathing.

"Commander Shepard!" Hackett shouted.

A moment of silence before the commander finally spoke. 

"I don't see it..." She said, confused. "I'm not sure… how to…" the comm hits something again. Then nothing.

"Commander!" Hackett voice calls, again and again before the Hackett in the room ends the recording.

There is silence. Everyone looked a bit pale. 

"Commander Shepard at this point collapsed. She was unconscious for five minutes." Hackett says, pausing. "We continue to try to make contact. Her vital signs weren't great, but we couldn't send anyone else to the Citadel. We were running out of time." Hackett swallows. 

"Eventually, the Commander comes to and we are able to establish another connection but it is brief." Hackett explained, playing another recording. 

This time the static is overwhelming.

"Commander Shepard! Please respond!" Hackett yelled. 

"I'm here." Shepard whispers after a moment. 

"Thank fucking god, I thought we lost you." Hackett breathed.

"Not yet, sir." Her voice came out so slowly and quietly. 

"I know you're tired, Commander. But I need you to make this weapon fire, or the entire universe is lost." Hackett replied. 

Shepard pauses. 

"I thought-" She whispered, confused. Before the entire transmission dissolves into static.

"What? Commander, you're breaking up! Shit!" Hackett shouted. The connection was lost and the recording ended.

"This was our last communication with Commander Shepard and her last words." Hackett states.

I thought. Confused, in pain, and alone. The implication of that hangs in the air. 

"After this, the Commander manages to arm the Crucible. As it activates I order our forces to retreat. We lose complete contact with Shepard as we retreat. She was alive at our last scan. The initial blast takes out the Reapers, the geth and other forms of AI life. Including EDI. We are unsure if Shepard was aware that this would occur. The second blast takes out the relays and causes a large explosion within the Citadel. Most of the Citadel is intact, however the portion that Shepard is in breaks away. Due to the proximity of the Citadel to Earth, this portion of the station is pulled by the gravitational pull of the planet. It crash lands in North America, near the east coast." Hackett says.

"We sent teams to the crash sight to recover any survivors on the ground and to recover Commander Shepard. But resources were limited with the chaos left behind from the Reaper attacks, and the wounded took priority. It took three days for our team to arrive on site, and one week to search the area. Only the Commander's dog tags are recovered at the crash site. We believe that her body was destroyed on reentry." Hackett explains. 

The rest of the meeting completes the recovery effort and how the Normandy made it back two weeks later. And in the end, when Hackett asked if anyone had any questions, it was Garrus who spoke first. 

"Do we know… What happened to the Commander up there?" His voice was soft in the quiet room. 

Hackett looked at Garrus with a controlled expression. But his eyes looked a little pained. 

"I'm sorry, Garrus. We don't know. A best guess is that Commander Shepard was going through a great deal of stress. It's possible that due to her injuries… that her mind was helping to keep her grounded. We suspect that she believed she was talking to Admiral Anderson. The two of them were very close. But it kept her going, and she completed her mission. She kept her promise." Hackett states, "And we can never repay her properly for that." Hackett finished.

The only one who knew was dead, but she had kept her promise. Not to survive, but to save the galaxy.

 

A week later, after the Alliance had seized the Normandy and the little items that Shepard had aboard, Joker was called to Alliance headquarters. A woman in a blue suit explained that she was Shepard's counsel, and was distributing some items specified in her will. 

She took out a box, containing the small model ship of the original Normandy and handed it to Joker. 

"This model of the SSV Normandy will be given to my good friend and pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. May he keep it to remember the beginnings of our journey together. The Normandy has always been my home, and I hope it continues to be his." The counsel read out loud. 

He kept it, of course he did. No matter if it pained him, even if his feelings towards the Normandy had changed. It was Shepard's, and now it was his responsibility to take care of it for her.

 

But now she was alive.

Alive. The chaos of their hasty exit from the cargo bay had covered his shouting of her name. He roughly sat down in one of the seats of the shuttle as the small crew left for the Normandy. 

Alive. Shepard is alive. She is on Omega, alive and heading a mercenary group working for Aria. How? Why? What was going on?

So many questions, but Joker's shock was overshadowed by the overwhelming relief and happiness he felt. Shepard had lived. He reveled in that, breath coming shakily out of his lungs as he breathed for the first time in two years. The guilt Joker felt was still there, but she was alright relatively speaking, thank god. 

But the questions kept him from staying in that moment of happiness.

How did Shepard survive? Why hadn't she contacted anyone? Does anyone know that she's alive? That man, Jenkins, seemed to know who she was. Maybe the rest of her crew did too. Did Aria know? What about Garrus?

And why would she be hiding? 

Shepard must have had her reasons but Joker couldn't think of any. She wanted to retire in peace? Joker almost laughed, becoming a mercenary wasn't exactly a good retirement plan. But still… why?

He couldn't just let this go. Shepard knew that right? He had to contact her, meet with her, figure out why she had stayed hidden and how she lived. But she was in hiding, it wasn’t like Joker could just call her, he didn’t know how except running around and looking for her on Omega. But going back to Afterlife was clearly a death wish, so how would he…

Commander Sanders, Shepard had contacted him to get to the pod. Maybe Joker could convince him to contact her again, not just contact her but arrange a meeting. Joker wracked his brain trying to think of a plausible excuse as to why he would need to contact a mercenary he barely knew after said mercenary saved his life. Also it wasn’t like he would be able to convince Sanders to detour their entire schedule unless Joker’s lie was very convincing. He would have to come up with a very good excuse. 

Until then… Joker looked down at the flashdrive in his hand. Maybe this flashdrive could tell him something.

---

Joker knew one person aside from Samantha on board the Normandy, a man named Ferris who had an odd obsession with old tech. He had everything, from a Walkmen radio to the first Ipod and if anyone had something that could read this flashdrive it would be him. So in the little time that Joker got to eat dinner, he approached him. 

“Hey, Ferris.” Joker said, taking a seat next to him. 

Ferris had curly red hair and his skin was covered in freckles. In any other scenario this man would have looked like a little doll with his button nose, that is if he wasn’t a body builder who could easily break Joker over his knee. 

Ferris perked up from the abnormally large plate of whatever dinner slop was being served that evening and smiled. 

“Hey, Joker, what’s up?” He said, shoveling food into his mouth.

“Kind of a weird question but do you have a laptop or something in your old tech hoard?” Joker asked, pushing his food around his plate. He wasn’t remotely hungry.

Ferris thought for a second. 

“I think so, what are you looking to do?” Ferris asked.

“Oh, um, just read a flashdrive.” Joker said.

Ferris perked up at that.

“A flashdrive? Where the hell did you get a flashdrive from?” He asked.

“Uhhhh…” Joker hesitated.

“Oh it’s that kind of flashdrive.” Ferris said sagely, “Don’t worry man, sometimes the old stuff is just better you know. I like the pizza ones myself.” 

Joker was pretty sure he knew what Ferris was getting at, but he just needed to read the flashdrive… which apparently was a popular way to distribute old porn. As long as Ferris didn't ask questions. 

“Yeah, total, the pizza ones are great.” Joker said trying to sound more certain then he felt, “Oh and I’ll need to listen to the sound too.” He clarified. 

Ferris rolled his eyes, “Duh, I’ll give you headphones, don’t need other people listening to that. I mean unless they want to. But yeah for sure, just make sure you don’t leave any files on it once you’re done.” Ferris said.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Joker confirmed. 

“Great, swing by before lights out and I’ll give it to you.” Ferris said. 

“Awesome, thanks man.” Joker said. 

 

Later that night, before lights out, Joker was handed a laptop and some dusty headphones before Ferris patted him on the shoulder. 

“I’ll leave you to it, have fun.” Ferris said.

“Thanks?” Joker replied as Ferris walked back to his quarters, shutting the door behind him. Joker made his way to his bunk and booted the laptop up. 

It took forever, at one point Joker had to put the laptop down to pace (more like waddle) he had too much energy to sit still. Why on earth did Shepard use a flash drive? Joker silently cursed her for this very inconvenient method of file storage. But he supposed it was probably one of the more secure ways of keeping secrets.

Luckily, everyone else just went about their business, not really caring what Joker was doing with the piece of junk laptop. Once the lights went out, Joker sat on his bed and continued to wait impatiently. Finally the screen came to life and Joker inserted the flash drive into the slot. He pulled up the files. There were two, both with simple names. File 1 and File 2, Shepard had never really been one to be descriptive he supposed. Joker clicked on the first file, and put on the headphones. 

Silence, some light static, and a slow intake of breath. 

“This is… Commander Viola Iris Shepard, Commander of the Normandy speaking.” Shepard’s voice was soft and quiet.

“This recording is to be distributed after my death… I wish to say my goodbyes.” She continued, then paused.

Shepard sighed, “I um… I don’t know what to say. Honestly I’m just talking to myself here. I can just edit it out… Whatever, not like this is a regular thing for a person to do. Pretty sure this is supposed to feel stupid.” Shepard huffed with a small laugh at the ridiculousness of it. 

“It’s… I’m not even sure what day it is to be honest. After a while they all just blur together, but we are currently making our way to Earth for the final push against the Reapers. This is the last chance to save the universe. So I wanted to leave something behind for anyone to listen to, so they know-” She cut herself off, as if stopping herself from saying something she shouldn’t.

There's a long pause.

“The crew is trying to keep up the good spirits. But it’s not likely that any of us will make it out alive. We’ll try and I’ll do whatever it takes, but no one has fought the Reapers and lived. So we are trying to do the impossible here, we don't have any other choice but to try.” Shepard said.

“To the crew of the Normandy, thank you for your service and for following me into hell for so long. I couldn’t have done any of this without each and every one of you. I mean that. Whatever happens, you all were instrumental in making it happen, so thank you. Garrus, I hope I can say what I need to in person.” Shepard said, Joker could tell she was smiling a bit. “Mom, um, I hope you make it and if anything happens… I’ll say hi to Dad for you.”

There is a long pause.

"I'd rather not do this to be honest. We've been fighting for so long without really stopping. I haven't been stopping for years now, this Reaper stuff never really stopped…" She tapered off, a moment of silence.

"It's probably just the lack of sleep talking. But if I close my eyes I just see that kid…" Shepard sighed, "I just need to get some sleep. So, that's it, I hope everyone gets to go home in the end. Either way, we did everything we could to change the inevitable… To change the fate of the entire universe." She finished.

The recording ended, Joker had never heard Shepard sound so tired. He never heard her utter a word of doubt or uncertainty but how could he blame her? She had to do the impossible. 

Joker opened the next recording. It was only 15 seconds. 

“Tell everyone I loved them. I really, really did… I hope wherever I end up in the end, I hope that it has a bar. I'll meet you there.” Shepard said, sounding almost happy, calm, and at peace. And that was it. 

Joker sat and listened to the recordings again. It was another side of Shepard he had never seen before. But it still didn’t explain why she would hide and what happened after the Citadel fell. He needed to meet her again.

---

It would take a couple of days for Joker to come up with a good enough excuse to talk to Commander Sanders. His plan was honestly not much of a plan, but he couldn't think of anything else. Worst case Sanders said no and then Joker would just have to think of another way to contact Vis. 

As Commander Sanders came to speak with Joker about the route they were taking, as he did everyday, Joker stopped him before he could leave.

"Excuse me, Sir." Joker said.

Sanders paused, "Yes, Joker?" He questioned.

"Looking at the flight path it looks like we'll be passing Omega on the way to the next stop. I was wondering if you could contact that mercenary who helped me out last time we were there." Joker said.

Sanders quirked an eyebrow.

"I could, but I would need to know why." He said.

"Yeah, well that mercenary, Vis I think, got injured while getting me into that pod. I just… they got injured protecting me sir and it doesn't sit right. Just want to make sure everything is okay, thank them in person if I can." Joker said.

It wasn't entirely untrue, but Joker could still feel a bead of sweat rolling down his neck. He had never been much of a liar.

Sanders looked at him, considered and then turned around. He pressed a pad near the sliding doors to the cockpit, closing them. He turned back to Joker.

"What's going on? You can speak freely." Sanders said.

"Um… just what I said sir." Joker said but even to himself he sounded unconvincing.

Sanders just stared at him, long enough that Joker started to squirm.

"Okay, okay, I think I know Vis. And I wasn't sure… if I could, I'd like to meet with them. Just to confirm." Joker confessed.

"I see… and who do you think this Vis character is? All the information would be nice." Sanders said.

"You are going to think I'm losing it if I tell you." Joker said, trying to delay the inevitable.

"I will not, Scout's honor Joker, just spit it out." Sanders sighed, exasperated.

"Commander Shepard." Joker said and watched as Sanders' eyes widened, "I think Vis is Commander Shepard." He admitted.

Joker watched Sanders process that information before he spoke, his voice deadly calm.

"And why do you believe Vis is Commander Shepard?" Sanders asked.

"I saw her eyes sir, Vis, the Commander, was wearing a full body suit… likely to hide her appearance. In the firefight that happened on Omega, she got hit. Whatever tech was masking her face broke, I couldn't see her entire face but I don't know if you met Shepard at all, but her eyes were hard to miss, Sir." Joker said. 

Sanders nodded.

"I remember. But… she's dead. There is no way that anyone could have survived what she went through. And hiding doesn't seem like something she'd do." Sanders reasoned.

"I know it's a long shot but the Commander spoke to me before pushing me into the pod. She recognized me. I know it sounds crazy but I do honestly believe it's her, Sir. I swear." Joker said.

Sanders considered in silence.

"Okay, we'll contact Vis and arrange for a meeting… just to be sure." Sanders agreed.

Joker released a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

"Thank you, sir." Joker said.

Sanders nodded, "Of course, give me an hour." He said before turning and leaving the cockpit. 

---

Viola's omnitool lit up with a familiar name, Commander Sanders of the Normandy. She had expected to be contacted soon, as she knew Joker couldn't leave this alone. Not that she could really blame him. 

But Viola had hoped she would have more time to finish her business.

She accepted the call, robotic voice greeting the commander.

"Commander Sanders, I'm surprised to hear from you. What can I help you with?" Viola asked.

"Hello Vis, I was hoping to stop by Omega soon. I'm wondering if we could meet in person. Not just with me but also with Joker, he wanted to thank you for what you did to help him with all the Blue Suns business." Sanders said.

Sanders certainly was a good actor. Viola could give him that.

"That's not necessary, but I appreciate the thought." She replied.

"Please, I insist. One drink, that's all I ask, name the place." Sanders said.

Viola paused, thinking.

"When do you think you'll arrive?" Viola asked.

Sanders thought for a moment.

"Two days, I believe, I can let you know as we get closer." Sanders confirmed.

"Okay, meet me at Afterlife then. The bar will be returning into Aria's hands shortly. I could use a drink." She said.

"Well, we will have much to celebrate then." Sanders said.

"What can I say, I don't like to leave things unfinished." Viola replied. 

There was a pause.

"Of course, I'll let you know when we are close. See you then… Vis." Sanders finished, the call ending.

Viola sighed, it didn't so much make any noise but she forced her shoulders to relax. Jenkins looked at her. 

"Two days isn't a lot of time." Jenkins said.

"No, but we'll get it done." She replied.

"You don't have to do this you know…" Jenkins said, "You can run, live a normal life- just disappear." He suggested.

Viola laughed, it sounded odd through the helmet. 

"No, we both knew I couldn't run forever. It's time, but before that I have to finish what I started for Aria. Least I can do." She said, she waved Jenkins to follow her, "Let's go."

Jenkins fell in step behind her as she walked away.

---

It would take two days for the Normandy to arrive at Omega. Commander Sanders and Joker stepped off and headed straight to Afterlife.

This time around, the lights and music were a bit more muted. There were still bullet holes in the walls, in fact probably more than before but as they entered Joker saw crews inside repairing the damage. True to Vis's word it seemed that Afterlife had been returned to Aria's hands. The asari herself seated on a plush couch to supervise the work, not bothering to acknowledge them as they walked in.

Vis was situated at the bar, leaning against it, she turned as they entered and waved them over.

"Commander Sanders." Vis said, stretching out a hand and Sanders shook it. Her helmet had been repaired and the robotic voice greeted them.

"Vis. Good to meet you, you know Joker." Sanders said, nudging Joker forward.

"Hey." Joker said lamely.

"Hey, Alliance." Vis replied, "Come on, just because they're repairing the place doesn't mean the booze is gone." She guided them to the bar as Sanders ordered drinks. 

As they waited, an awkward silence filled the air, luckily the bartender was quick in delivering their glasses of whiskey.

"I'll leave you to it." Sanders said, departing the two of them to sit at a nearby table. But Joker could tell that Sanders was keeping a close eye on them even if he was acting nonchalant.

"So… " Vis started as Sanders took his seat, "Why are you here?" She asked in a low voice.

Joker swallowed, trying to see past the impenetrable helmet. Vis didn't even move to attempt to drink her whiskey. He isn't wrong, he couldn’t be and yet Joker was still uncertain.

"I think you know why." Joker countered. 

Vis nodded.

"Yeah, couldn't leave it alone could you?" Vis replied.

"How could I?" Joker whispered, "I just found out that the friend who died saving the universe isn't actually dead and is in hiding for some reason." Joker hissed.

There was a pause.

"Yeah, you're right. You deserve the truth. But there is some business to attend to first. I should get this over with." Vis confirmed.

She removed her helmet, and underneath was the scarred face of the woman who saved the galaxy. Viola Shepard. She then reached for her pistol. 

At that exact moment, Sanders and some of the repairmen stood and drew their weapons, pointing at Shepard. Then Aria stood, her bouncers stepping into the room, their weapons pointed at the Alliance members. Joker stood there, frozen. 

This isn't what he wanted.

Shepard for her part continued, raising the pilot to show it to the room and placing it on the bar next to her drink.

"Aside from this and my bionics, I am not armed." The robotic announced but this time it sounded more like Shepard, "Aria, it's alright." Shepard said. Her mouth didn't move as she spoke.

Aria and her men stood down, as Sanders stepped in, gun still raised.

Shepard turned to face him.

"So much for the drink." She said.

"I'm sorry Shepard, but you're under arrest." He said, gesturing for his men to approach. Shepard made no move to stop them and allowed herself to be handcuffed.

This finally took Joker out of his spell.

"What the fuck is this Sanders?!" Joker shouted.

Sanders ignored him, "Viola Shepard, you are under arrest for abandoning your post as a Spectre to the council and deserting the Alliance military. You are also charged with genocide of the geth race and all artificial intelligence. You have the right to remain silent-" Sanders continued.

"Sanders." Joker growled.

"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to counsel, if you cannot afford counsel, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand your rights as I have read them to you?" Sanders asked.

"Yes, I do." Shepard replied.

"Sanders!" Joker yelled.

"Take her to the shuttle." Sanders directed, two of the "repair men" grabbed Shepard roughly and began marching her out of the room.

"What the fuck was that?" Joked accused.

"I have orders, just like you Joker." Sanders replied.

"Did you know, did you fucking know that she was alive?" Joker growled.

There was a pause that spoke for itself.

"I don't have to answer that, and that information is not for you to know. So step down Lieutenant." Sanders commanded.

Joker stood there, seething, as he stared in utter rage at Sanders. Sanders for his part stared back, he stood there like stone, a carefully neutral expression on his face. 

After several moments Joker turned heel and made his way out of Afterlife. By the time he left, Shepard was already gone.

Chapter 4: Revelations

Summary:

This chapter does contain brief descriptions of injuries as well as thoughts of death. Nothing too graphic but please keep yourselves safe while reading.

After Shepard is arrested, Joker is directed to interview her. It's time for some answers, but they aren’t what Joker was expecting to hear.

It had been five days since Joker had seen Shepard. Sanders for his part didn't say a word to him about it. Joker did his job, but the anger he felt was still sharp. He was still having a hard time believing that it had all gone so wrong so quickly. One moment he was feeling the relief of knowing that Shepard was alive and the next he was feeling the guilt of revealing her. Now Joker knew why she had been hiding, at least a little bit, if only he had kept his mouth shut.

As the Normandy docked at the Citadel a day later, two men entered the ship and demanded that Joker come with them. They handed Sanders a data pad and Sanders gave his permission to have Joker leave, saying simply that there was an interview, one conducted by the council that Joker was to participate in.

The men didn't tell Joker a thing as he entered the shuttle, but Joker could guess that he was going to be questioned about Shepard. He did find her after all so it made sense.

But when Joker entered the tiny metal room he did not expect to find Shepard chained to a table. 

She was out of her full body suit she had been wearing and for the first time Joker truly got to see her face. Her amber eyes looked at him and she looked entirely calm given the situation.

Shepard's hair that had always been cropped short against her head in tight curls, now it was shaved on one side. The other half had been braided into tiny tight braids that brushed her shoulder. It was in such contrast to how she normally looked that it shocked Joker at first. 

Joker didn’t know why he hadn’t expected her to change. But the last time Shepard had died, time had stood still for her. When she awoke again she struggled with the fact that it had been two years. She had changed in a way then, but not like this. 

Half of Shepard's face from the right side of her nose, all the way to her scalp was burned. Hair refused to grow there except for small patches of her eyelashes and eyebrow. The shaved part of her head had bits of dark hair but nothing significant. Shepard hadn’t been lying about the explosion, it really did a number on her. Her exposed arms showed similar burns and other scarring. There was a nasty cut and bruise that was still healing, on the other side of her face where her helmet had cracked in the firefight with the Blue Suns. That seemed like a lifetime ago. 

Joker gritted his teeth as the guard pushed him further inside the room. Joker rounded on him.

“Is it entirely necessary that you chain her to the table?” He asked, outraged. 

Shepard's voice interrupted him. 

“It’s okay, Joker.” She said, although her mouth didn’t move. 

He looked back at her and the guard said nothing but instead pointed to the chair across from the Commander. Joker hesitated a moment before taking a seat. He watched as another guard came in and pushed a small button on the table. 

“State your name for the record.” He said, looking at Shepard. 

“Viola Iris Shepard.” Shepard's disembodied voice replied. 

“Former rank?” He asked. 

“Commander.” She replied. 

The guard nodded and stepped back from the table.

“For this recording it has been noted that you are using a voice manipulator to communicate." The soldier said, pausing for a moment. 

"Viola Shepard, you have been brought into custody for the following crimes, abandoning your post as a Spectre to the council, deserting the Alliance military and genocide of artificial life. Upon your disappearance there were questions in regards to how the Reapers were destroyed. The Quarian race wants to know whether you knew that the geth and other AI would be destroyed as a result of your actions during the battle for Earth two years ago. If so there may be repercussions and compensation for the destruction of an entire race. You are to be questioned about the events that took place on the Citadel two years ago. You will also explain where you have been for the last two years. At your request the council has allowed Normandy pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, to conduct the interview. You have one hour, this interview is being recorded. Afterwards you will return to your cell while the council reviews the interview at which point you may be questioned further before a verdict is given. Do you understand?” He finished. 

“Yes.” Shepard replied. 

The two guards exited the room, the pilot and former commander were left alone. Joker didn't know what to say, how to start, the silence buzzed in his ears.

Shepard broke the silence first with a slight smile on her face. 

“Hi, Jeff.” She said simply. 

“Hi,” Joker paused, “What happened to your voice?” He asked, concerned.

“Oh.” She said and made a move to touch her throat, a thick patch of scarring there. But the restraints kept her from doing so, so instead she laid her hands flat on the table.

“An injury after the Citadel fell to Earth. There must have been a massive explosion and debris crushed my throat, I don’t remember too much. Just flashes. I was fortunate that I didn’t break my neck. However my vocal cords were crushed. Luckily that damn VI of me was good for something, I was able to get my voice back after a time… in a way.” She smiled slightly before her face became serious. 

“But that’s not why you’re here Joker.” She said.

There was a pause before Joker spoke. The words bubbling under the surface, all the questions, the anger, the regret and most of all the need to know what the hell happened. It all came up, and couldn't be held back.

“Where the hell have you been? What happened? How did you… how?” He couldn’t help the bitterness in his voice, “Why didn’t you send a message? Why didn't you contact me? Or anyone? Does Garrus even know you’re alive?" He was nearly shouting at the end and shook his head.

“Shit, Shepard. Why the hell am I even here?” He asked softly. 

It was a moment before she answered. 

“You’re here because you are my most trusted friend. You’ve been here since the beginning. If I was going to tell this story to anyone, it would be you.” She said, but Joker was a bit bitter at the sentiment, he was her friend but he wasn't sure she ever trusted him. 

Not beyond being a pilot anyway. 

Shepard leaned back in her chair almost sensing his thoughts.

“Your other questions will take time and a lot of explaining. But before that, I have to apologize.” She looked into his eyes as she continued.

“I’m sorry. I should have contacted you or anyone about what happened to me.” She said. 

“No excuses?” He asked. 

She shook her head. 

“All I’ll say is that at the time, it seemed like the right call.” She stated. 

Shepard seemed to sigh but no noise came from her, just the sound of air moving in a stale room. She leaned forward again, bracing herself on the table and crossing her arms as much as she could with the cuffs.

“I woke up after the Citadel fell to Earth.” She began, “I hadn't expected to survive because… well it seemed impossible that I would survive death twice. I was trapped under some rubble with enough room to breathe and a tiny slit to see the sky. I knew I was back on Earth but I didn’t expect anyone to find me. For a bit I was content with that. It would have been a fitting end for someone who saved the universe, don’t you think? I was home, and Earth was safe.” She smiled slightly. 

As she did so Joker’s heart dropped into his stomach. It was unnerving to see her talk so casually about her own death.

“I had been through so much, Akuze and then losing Kaidan, being brought back to life with strings attached and then Earth and everything else. I was tired and I thought I wanted to go.” She paused, “But then I thought about what I had actually done with my life and honestly, I hadn’t done much. I devoted my life to the Alliance and yes I would lay down my life for it, but I… there was so much I wanted to do. I wanted to go to the beach, I wanted to go on so many more adventures with the crew of the Normandy. I wanted to see Tali rebuild her home world. I wanted to dance with everyone again, and Garrus…” She shook her head, the voice couldn't match her eyes as they had gone a little glassy.

“My will to live got me through Akuze and it kicked in again under that rubble. I went in and out of consciousness for a while. I have no idea how long I was trapped under there when I awoke to hear people near me. I didn't know what they were looking for but I knew they were my way out. So I made as much fuss as I could, my vocal cords were shit, and the burns and injuries kept me from moving without excruciating pain at that point. So I… used my biotics to kick out at a piece of metal nearby with all my strength. I made enough noise that they got to me." Shepard paused for a breath.

"I was pretty worn out and couldn’t stay awake for very long. I’m pretty sure whoever they were, they didn’t recognize me. The burns were pretty bad and I was covered in blood and dirt. The doctors did what they could for me but resources were scarce because of the reaper attacks. Most of my armor had been blown off before the crash and my dog tags were missing. They didn’t know who I was.” She explained, she hadn't maintained eye contact for the whole explanation but her eyes met Joker's again. They were filled with fierceness he recognized. 

“The bit about the suit had some truth to it, although not as severe as I made it out to be. I couldn’t go anywhere without a suit of some kind because of the burns, but I don’t need it anymore.” Shepard said.

“It was convenient,” she explained, “it protected me and also was my cover. I didn’t have to reveal my identity if I didn’t want to and I decided… I didn’t want to.” She finished. 

Joker crossed his arms and leaned back into his chair away from her.

“Well the people who helped you, surely they would have noticed who you were eventually. Seen the stuff in you that Cerberus put in or recognized you.” Joker said.

Shepard smiled and it was one of those smiles that hurt to look at.

“They never got the chance.” She said, leaning back as well, as if to distance herself, mirroring Joker.

“I was asleep for… two days maybe? I'm not entirely sure. I woke up for the first time and well, I didn’t know where I was. I was naked, strapped to a table so I couldn’t hurt myself. Attached to enough tubes to scare anybody. So I freaked out, my panic set off my biotics, I let lose all this energy and the doctors were knocked out and everything was everywhere. I was confused but I grabbed some things and I escaped.” Shepard said. 

Joker winced.

“Did you really have to escape?” Joker said. 

Shepard looked at him and her amber eyes were hard and cold.

“Last time I woke up on a table naked I was being remade by Cerberus. So yeah, I panicked and I left.” Shepard said, even her voice sounded angry but that might have been his imagination.

Joker looked away. 

“Right, sorry.” Joker said, “What happened next?” He asked, looking at her again. 

This time Shepard looked away, she knit her eyebrows together like she was trying to recall.

“I… left. The place I was in, it was sterile and clean. The burns hadn't healed at all, they were open wounds that were susceptible to infection. Luckily I found a suit I could wear, and took some supplies before I left. I didn’t know what to do or where I was. But eventually I found my way to an old apartment building and squatted there for a bit. I learned that they had already announced my death. Found my dog tags, as far as everyone was concerned I had died." Shepard said. 

“Why didn’t you contact anyone?” Joker asked a little more sharply than he intended. But he had to know.

Shepard looked at him and her eyes were full of emotions he could not interpret. 

“I…” She began but stopped.

Joker sighed, his anger immediately defeated. She looks so… helpless and that was not a word he had ever used to describe her.

“I’m sorry, but I need to know why you didn’t reach out to anyone, why you faked your death. Believe me, I’m glad you’re alive, so glad. But I—we -- everyone needs to know why.” Joker said. 

Everything shifted as Shepard looked at him sharply, the helpless expression gone. Even the voice she was using let out a harsh laugh but it sounded nothing like her.

“Everyone, huh?” she scoffed, “I work tirelessly to save this goddamn universe and all I get is guilt, blame and death. Why can’t everyone just leave me alone? I knew I would be blamed for the geth, for EDI, for going missing. I knew they would want answers about what happened on the goddamn Citadel. I knew they would blame me for everything! I knew…” Shepard said, her eyes were filled with tears and the voice stopped harshly with frustration.

“We aren’t blaming you…” Joker said he could feel his own throat tightening. 

“What the fuck do you think this is, Jeff?” she accused, raising her hands and jingling the shackles around her wrists, a tear dropped on the table. 

"I’m going to be put on trial. They will find me guilty, I’m sure. Everyone will blame me. So yes… I was selfish. I hid. I hid so I didn’t have to face the consequence, so I didn’t have to think I was fucking crazy!” Shepard shouted, somehow the disembodied voice was able to capture her emotion this time. 

The silence rang out and buzzed. 

“What do you mean… Shepard?” Joker said. 

Shepard smiled and it was a sad smile, bitter with guilt. She looked away, taking a moment to wipe some of the tears away with her shoulder. Her hands gripped the edge of the table before she relaxed and looked back at him.

“I was indoctrinated, Joker.” She said. 

It took several breaths for Joker to process that sentence. 

Indoctrinated. 

Images of Saren and husk zombies came to his mind. But that was impossible… How could the great Commander Shepard be indoctrinated?

“What?” He sputtered. 

“The Citadel, hell before the Citadel. I was indoctrinated by the Reapers. I wasn’t turned into a zombie monster or out to destroy everything like Saren. But it didn’t matter because they got me before that, I didn’t even fucking notice. But it makes sense right? I spent the most time near the Reapers, I knew what could happen and I didn’t even-” Shepard spit out. 

“That’s… we would have noticed!” Joker said, “You never made a bad call, you-“ He assured.

“Don’t act like you know me, Joker.” Shepard snarled, the robotic voice distorted. Joker flinched. 

“You are my oldest friend, you have been there since the beginning but you have never known me. Garrus doesn't know me. No one knows me. How the fuck would any of you know if I changed? I’m the mysterious commander of the Normandy! It was all an act. I like keeping people at a distance, because I need to be strong for them! If I'm not... then I can't be your commander. I can't protect you, or anyone else. I can't be weak, I'm not allowed to show weakness. Ever. So how would any of you know?” Shepard said. 

It felt like a slap to the face, or a gut punch, even a bone snapping at her accusation. 

Even Garrus? Joker thought, but they were… surely she couldn't mean that.

But the recordings he listened to had shown a different side of Shepard he had never seen before and another memory came to Joker in the stunned silence. 

---

“So Thessia huh? Guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now.” Joker says in a light tone.

He knows it’s wrong the moment it leaves his mouth.

“Too soon?” Joker asks, turning towards Shepard. 

He really looks at her, this time. He doesn’t shy away from the dark circles or the way her mouth is pressed into a firm line as Shepard looks at him. Joker doesn’t pretend to not notice how her jaw seems to be permanently clenched or how her dark skin looks gray in this lighting. Her eyes are hard as they bore into his, anger and distress clear in those pools of amber.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, we just lost a few million people. This isn’t the time.” Shepard spits out, her voice is full of venom. 

Of course she’s angry, of course she’s snapping at him. But the comment raises his own anger and he brings up the screen and points to a small colony on the map.

“You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there. So does my sister.” Joker spits out, the words are bitter on his tongue, “Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago.” He says, blinking away the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.

The screen plays and it shows the reapers flying in, Shepard shifts in the background. There’s a small intake of breath, as if she’s about to say something. He closes the screen and stares at the space that it had occupied. 

“So you can assume that I’m generally aware there’s a war on, Commander.” Joker says.

This is not how he wanted this conversation to go. Shepard is silent at first but sighs and turns as if to leave but pauses instead, looking at him.

“So why the jokes?” She says, sounding defeated.

Joker turns his chair around.

“Because EDI says that according to your armor’s metabolic scans, you’re under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Akuze, where thresher maws ate the rest of your squad.” He notices the way she clenches her fist, “And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance-- on Earth!—is worried about you. And I’m supposed to help!" Joker nearly shouts, but the last word is bitterly spoken. 

Shepard shifts in front of him, her eyebrows creasing together as if to argue with him. Her fist is clenched. He prays for a reaction, anything. He wants her to emote and show him how she’s really feeling. But she looks at him for a moment, like she is seeing something in him and sighs. Her fist unravels, and her expression becomes neutral, like nothing is wrong. The walls are up.

“I appreciate the thought, Joker, but I’m fine.” She says and her words sound like an order. Drop it, she’s telling him, loud and clear.

She even tries to smile. The fucking liar.

“The hell you are! You’re like half robot at this point! No offense, EDI. And it’s my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn’t leave… because you had to come back for me.” Joker said, looking at the ground.

There’s a pause. 

“We already talked about this, Jeff.” Shepard says gently, “I couldn’t leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?” She said, smiling ever so slightly, trying to brush everything away.

She won’t open up, no matter how much he pushes and no matter what he says. They had known one another for so long and yet he couldn’t look after her. He couldn’t do what Anderson asked, she doesn’t open up, and she doesn’t let anyone in. He’s bitter. Why doesn’t she trust him? The words don’t come out right.

“Yeah well… I guess that would’ve looked bad on your report.” Joker said. 

He turns around before he can see the expression on Shepard's face. If he hadn't turned around, kept looking at her, Joker wondered what he would have seen. Would he see through that perfect wall just a bit? There’s a pause before she replies. 

“Come on… we have work to do.” Shepard says softly, she pauses again, maybe hoping he will say something.

He doesn’t reply. 

A moment later, he hears her footsteps as she walks away. 

---

Joker never even tried to understand her struggle, the weight she was carrying. Why would she open up to any of them when all they asked of her was to give? To give more of herself, give her time, give… her life. Twice. She never took anything besides tiny model ships and stupid fish. Never asked for anything in return and they never encouraged her to. Joker can't even remember if he had ever just asked her how she was. 

They just took and took and took and she always gave. She was right, if she had said something about this to any of them… Joker didn't know what he would have done. 

Joker swallowed.

“What happened on the Citadel?” Joker asked, his voice soft.

Shepard looked him in the eye and there’s a pause as she takes a breath, preparing herself. 

“The version of events I am about to tell you will not correspond with how they actually happened. But at the time, this is what I believed happened.” Shepard said.

Joker remained silent, this time he would listen. 

Shepard shifted in her chair and intertwined her hands on the table, staring at them. 

“When I arrived at the Citadel, I was the only person who made it, so I thought. I awoke to the sound of my radio, Captain Anderson was talking to me on the comms.”

Joker winced, they had suspected that the Commander had thought she was talking to Anderson. But with this new information, it wasn't a physiological response to stress but rather… indoctrination.

“He says he’s found this room, with a control board or something. It must be where we push the big red button to open the arms and allow the Crucible to dock. And I make my way through corpses, I’m beaten all to hell and there’s Anderson. But he’s acting strange, turns around as if he’s being controlled and then… The Illusive Man is there, controlling Anderson, controlling me.” 

The Illusive Man did die, his remains were found among the other corpses in the rubble of the Citadel. Perhaps he was there, but Anderson definitely wasn't.

“The Illusive Man spouts some shit about control and how it’s the only way to defeat the Reapers and he’s controlling the two of us, he looks grotesque. The Reapers have indoctrinated him which is dramatic irony… and then he makes me… shoot Admiral Anderson. But he doesn’t fall, barely reacts to it, I should have known it was weird but it felt so real. I nearly convince the Illusive Man that he’s wrong but then he goes to kill Anderson and I… kill him instead. The Illusive Man falls to the ground, I open up the Citadel and the Crucible docks. Me and Anderson just sit. He tells me he’s proud of me and he… dies.” Shepard said. She swallows, trying to control the emotions that are clear on her face.

“Admiral Hackett’s voice comes over and he says the crucible isn’t firing, isn’t doing anything. I try to get up but my arms are slick with my own blood, it’s everywhere, I try to get my feet under me but I can’t. I fell unconscious. Next thing I know I’m in a room I’ve never seen before and there’s this kid. Not a real kid, he looks like a hologram of some kind, he calls himself the Catalyst but it’s the same kid…” She trails off, staring at the table, lost in a memory.

Joker waits but she keeps staring at her hands.

“Shepard.” He says gently. 

Her head snaps to look at him, like she forgot he was there.

“What kid?” He asks.

She’s looking at him, but her eyes are unfocused. She looks dazed.

“The kid from Earth. I couldn’t save him. In the air duct. Anderson never saw him but I did, he got onto the shuttle and he died. He was… he probably wasn’t real. I’m so stupid." Her voice mimics a laugh but it is hollow, her voice continues in a rush.

“The woods, the dreams always start in the woods. I’m running impossibly slow, dark shadows are everywhere whispering my name, yours, Garrus’s, Tali’s, they sound familiar but alien. I see him, the kid, he runs from me but eventually I catch up, but when I do… he burns, Jeff. He’s on fire and I stand there and I can’t do anything. I had dreams for months, leading up to the battle for Earth, sometimes they were different, mostly they were the same. I didn't sleep much. The queen said there were dreams with dark shadows but it was so many years ago and I forgot… she had warned me.” Shepard looked at the table again, her voice fast and what she was saying was barely coherent. 

“The queen.” Joker prompts quietly. He had never seen her like this, Shepard was always so controlled, so composed.

She continued eventually after a moment of silence. Shepard's voice sounded a bit more sure as Joker saw her visibly shake, her hands clasped together in a painful vice grip as if physically trying to keep herself together.

“The Rachni queen, she said before we knew what the Reapers were, that they were singing a… sour note and that dreams with dark ink like shadows clouded people’s minds. But I didn’t remember until much later. It was indoctrination, Joker, she was describing it and I didn’t remember.” Shepard said, head hung low and tears spilled onto the table.

Joker swallowed, trying to keep some kind of composure. But it was hard seeing Shepard cry, seeing her like this at all. He had never seen her cry, not after Kadian, not when they recovered the old Normandy. Not during any mission or any down time. He had never seen her shed a tear, and now it was like she couldn't stop.

“It’s okay, Viola, you don’t have to focus on it. It's over now. Tell me what happened with the child at the Citadel.” Joker said gently. 

Shepard swallowed and nodded, this time looking at him. The tears trailed down her cheeks.

“The hologram of the child said that it took on that form because it was familiar to me. It said we were inside of the Crucible, and that I had a choice. I could destroy the Reapers, control them or synthesize um… creating a hybrid with machine and organic life, somehow. I asked questions and decided to destroy them. The other options were too good to be true, or frankly seemed impossible. And Anderson had said… it sounded like a trick." She stated and Joker couldn't fault the logic.

"The child warned me that all AIs would die, including the geth and… EDI. I hesitated but I couldn’t let the reapers continue Joker, they would destroy us. I thought… EDI and the geth would understand, but that’s probably just me trying to justify it.” She said with a small sad smile.

“So I went to destroy them. I shot at this part of this big machine and it exploded, I was supposed to die but… I woke up. I was still on the floor where I was before, right in front of the console, but Anderson wasn’t there and neither was the Illusive Man. And Hackett is still screaming in my ear and I hear this noise and it sounds like a reaper screaming in agony. I must have interfered, somehow. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to wake up from my dream but I did. I get up and get over to the console and I find a way to make the Crucible fire. Then the Crucible is armed…” Shepard paused.

“I watch everyone leave, and I sit down and look down at Earth. It was beautiful and peaceful. But I’m crying because, well I was alone this time, no one was coming back for me. But I'm just so tired, that part of me didn't even care.” She paused, the voice couldn’t quite match the grief that still remained on her face all these years later. Joker swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling his own eyes grow a little hot.

I tried to save you. He thought. Even if it wasn't enough.

“The crucible fires and the Reapers shut down, then it fires again. But the Citadel starts falling, the energy of the blast must have overloaded something. There's explosions everywhere around me. But I’m okay with it, and I just watch as debris falls on me and I plummet to Earth. I expected to die, for everything to end. I was so tired. I didn’t care about anything that had happened, the appearance of Anderson and the Illusive Man, the decision with the child, I didn’t care anymore. I had to destroy the Reapers and I did. I'm sorry about the geth and about EDI. I wasn’t sure if the result would be the same when I armed the Crucible. But I wouldn’t change my decision. It was a terrible but necessary sacrifice.” She said. 

“You know what happens next… after I escaped I contacted Aria. She owed me. She picked me up and in exchange asked me to help with her Blue Sun problem. I did.” Shepard said.

“I never contacted anyone because I was afraid, Jeff, I was afraid that I was a different person. I didn’t trust myself, I still have dreams sometimes even though the Reapers are gone. I was afraid that everyone would want answers and I wasn’t sure I could give them, if anyone would even believe me... I was scared, terrified really. I thought about it. There were more than a dozen times when I nearly called Garrus or you. I checked up on you all, every once in a while." She said with a small smile.

"I did some work for Liara, she only knew me by Vis though, I don’t think she ever knew it was really me. But I never made contact with anyone. Everyone moved on with their lives. I couldn’t drag you all back again, not like last time. The longer I waited the more sure I got... that this was the right decision. I thought it was best to let everyone go." She said, and then let out a small laugh.

"But it doesn't matter does it? You ran straight into me. I know… I shouldn’t have disappeared like that.” Shepard admitted.

“You shouldn’t have.” Joker agreed, “I never moved on, Shepard.” Joker said. 

Shepard looked at him and nodded, her previous mirth gone.

“I was worried you wouldn’t and then you showed up at Afterlife I didn’t know it was you at first. I thought if I played the part of Vis, and gave you the tape you might move on a little.” She said. 

“I listened to it.” Joker asked. 

Shepard paused before replying, “I was going to send them off, but I never did. I didn't… I wasn't myself when I recorded it. That stupid flash drive survived the fall of the Citadel. I think I held on to it as a good luck charm or something.” She said. 

Joker opened his mouth to ask something else as the door to the interrogation room opened abruptly and the big muscly soldier came in.

“That will be all Mr. Moreau, you are excused.” The soldier said. 

“What-“ Jeff began. 

“Viola Shepard, you were allowed one visitor, Garrus Vakarian is here to see you.” The soldier said.

As if on cue Garrus shoved the soldier out of the way as he stomped into the room.

Shepard looked shocked as if she didn’t expect him to be here. 

“Garrus…” She began. 

“You stupid woman. I am… so glad you are alive.” Garrus said and when Shepard began to open her mouth, as if to speak, Garrus threw his arms around her. Her chains made it impossible to fully embrace him but she clutched his armor and tears gathered in her eyes and spilled over. 

She buried her head in Garrus’s shoulder, as he whispered soft I love yous into her ear. He didn't ask anything of her, just held her. Joker could see her shoulders shaking and felt his heart give a painful twist. He and the soldier left the room. 

Chapter 5: Viola Iris Shepard

Summary:

Please note that this chapter contains some graphic descriptions of blood, death and thoughts of death/dying. Please keep yourselves safe and feel free to skip this chapter as the previous chapter did describe these events.

We take a look through Shepard’s eyes at what really happened on the Citadel.

Viola felt her consciousness crawl back to her, as it raked and clawed past the intense urge to sleep. All she wanted to do was sleep. No forests, no children, no voices, just sleep. But the pain from a scream echoed in her skull, waking her. It pierced through her brain like a high pitched tone, like a terrible dissonance in her head, almost like feedback from her communicator. 

Viola struggled to open her eyes to see the giant windows where Earth hung in the black. She could see the war and chaos that went on in the stars, and Hackett is calling her name, sounding more desperate than she's ever heard him.

"Shepard! Please respond!" He yelled through the static that threatened to cut them off completely.

"I'm here." She whispered, looking from the giant windows to the control board. 

Then to the blood on the floor. 

"Thank fucking god, I thought we lost you." Hackett breathed.

"Not yet, sir." Her voice came out so slowly, everything spun. She closed her eyes against it as if to make it stop. 

It didn't.

"I know you're tired Commander. But I need you to make this weapon fire, or the entire universe is lost." He sounded firm but sad, they both knew that this was the last time they would speak to one another.

She paused. Hadn't she already done that? She opened her eyes, trying to track the spinning floor. Where was Anderson? The Illusive Man… the child? 

"I thought I did." She whispered, confused.

"What? Commander, you're breaking up! Shit!" Hackett exclaimed before there was nothing but static. 

She was alone now. There was no one here. Shepard took a breath, and moved to stand. She had a job to do, then she could sleep. One hand slapped the floor, slipping a bit in the congealed blood. But she held, even as her muscles and injuries screamed at her to stop. She was never one to listen. So she placed her other hand and pushed, legs under her, boots slipping until they stopped. Then she stood. The whole room spun with the motion, and she almost fell again. But she managed to grab the console as she stumbled towards it, leaving bloody hand prints on everything she touched. She leaned into it heavily as the screen came to life.

She looked at the screen, everything was just symbols. How was she supposed to activate this? She stared at it. The symbols washed over her mind and somehow... she understood. She shouldn't but she did. With both hands, she dragged the symbols on the screen together making the final connection, the last piece of the puzzle. She watched as the center of the Crucible began to glow a bright orange. She did it. 

Finally. 

The light grew and grew, Shepard sat heavily before it. She watched as every ship moved away, falling back. She slumped over, unable to keep herself upright, until her head hit the cold floor.

Best seats in the house. A memory from a lifetime ago, or at least she thought it was a memory. Where was Anderson? Did the keepers take him? She didn't know. 

Shepard thought she saw the Normandy flying off, away from her. But that was probably her imagination. The tears that slipped from her eyes were unwanted, clouding her vision. She was so tired. The universe was safe and she had kept her promise.

The orange light grew and grew, ever expanding as she was left behind. The color of the light reminds her of a sunset on a beach. 

Her mother laughed as Viola splashed her with water. It was too cold to swim, but they did it anyway. Her father, nearby screamed as he ran headlong into the water causing his girls to laugh.

She was alone. Again. 

Spinning in the cold dark, the stars swimming, she can't reach the break in her suit as all the air is sucked out. She's suffocating. She was drowning in the lack of oxygen. It's agonizing and cold and she remembers how it felt as the ice coated her eyes in the last few seconds of consciousness as they froze. 

Viola snapped her eyes open. She was still here at the Citadel, the orange light was expanding, when had she closed her eyes? 

All the ships were gone now, if they could come back she would have bled out by the time they got to her. If they came back, she'd be dead and cold. But she felt the tremble of the ground below her, the strain of the Crucible and Citadel as it created the enormous power required to defeat the Reapers. If anyone came back, they would probably only find the remains of this place and hopefully this time… her body would be unrecoverable. 

She didn't want to be remade again.

The orange bloom took up the black sky, enveloping everything in its path as it blossomed. Was the child right? Would the geth and EDI die too?

She hoped not. But in the end, maybe they would have understood. Maybe not. 

Either way, she would be joining them soon.

The Citadel rocked. Shepard felt it give way, something exploded below her. Then the Crucible fired again, a bright orange ray exploded from it, going who knows where, more explosions rocking the floor Viola laid on. Her body slid towards the glass as the floor tilted. She brought out her hands to catch herself on it, blood smearing on the crystal clear pane. She groaned as she rolled onto her back, the floor now becoming a wall as everything rolled around her. So this is how it ended. Not slowly but with a bang. And she supposed, it was what she deserved. After all, Commander Shepard always went out with a bang. She did the first time, so she will again.

Debris began to fall onto her, but she didn't mind. At some point she had stopped feeling any pain, she was pleasantly numb in the face of death. She had died before and so it no longer scared her. At least this time it felt like she was in control. There was no fear here, she was just numb and exhausted.

Everything slowed.

She expected to feel something, to have her life flash before her eyes. But in the end, Shepard only saw the sparks of metal scrapping, the bits and pieces of the ship showering down like rain in slow motion. It was sort of pretty, this destruction. Viola didn't think about anything or anyone, as she watched the environment around her crumble. She was so very tired.

Viola didn't even blink as a large sheet of metal came towards her. It would surely crush her, but at this moment it looked like a black mass ready to embrace her. 

She welcomed it, and she experienced no pain as her mind finally left her. Viola hoped that her dreams would finally end as the darkness took her one final time.  

---

Or she thought so.

Agony. This time, the pain was undeniable. Even breathing hurt. Especially breathing hurt. There was a searing sensation all across her skin. A burn, Viola realized recognizing the type of pain immediately. Every minor motion of her body caused the searing to worsen but the pain was present even when she wasn't moving. 

Her muscles cramped and quivered, a fall would do that to her, muscles tightening in response to the trauma her body has sustained. Viola's breath hissed through her teeth, but she choked. Her throat, something was wrong with it, that much was obvious. She panicked momentarily as she choked on air, her throat was tight and ached, she was barely getting air through it. The pain across her abdomen prevented her from taking a full breath.

Viola hadn't even opened her eyes yet, and there was already so much to process. But she had to see where she was, so after taking a minute to calm she opened her eyes, or tried to anyway. 

Bits of debris clouded her vision bits of ash and dirt. Viola blinked, the mild discomfort of dirt in her eyes was nothing compared to everything else. One of her eyes refused to open, the searing sensation across her eye to her scalp. Okay, one eye was better than none she supposed. 

Viola saw the sky of Earth. Blue, like she remembered. Although it had become tinged with red, she only saw a sliver under the remains of the Citadel. How could she have possibly lived? The wound on her abdomen burned, perhaps the explosion had sealed it somehow like it was cauterized. It explains how she hadn't bled out by now. If she didn't die of internal bleeding or infection.

Viola wanted to laugh. She survived all of that in the Citadel, only to die under the rubble. It was almost ridiculous how she kept living through these situations. But it was only a matter of time. She doubted that anyone would find her here before she succumbed to her pain, with all the chaos of the Reaper attacks. 

Oh well. Viola thought, closing her eyes again. At least I'm home. 

As she closed her eyes she slipped into unconsciousness once more.

---

The next time she woke up, she wasn't fully awake. The pain was present just below the surface of her consciousness and she couldn't bring herself to fully face it. So instead she stayed in that moment before falling asleep, the floaty feeling where dreams seem more vivid.

After Viola began to move up in the ranks, Anderson took her to get a drink for every new rank. He was like a father to her, Anderson had known her parents somewhere down the line. When her own father passed, Anderson took it upon himself to keep an eye on her. 

So when they would celebrate, it was at a little dingy hole in the wall bar on the Citadel. No one ever asked any questions, and it was one of the few places where it didn't matter who you were, as long as you ordered something. It was Anderson who told her what to expect with command and how to get through it without the responsibility crushing you.

"Command is a double-edged sword. You have power but it also means that you are responsible for everything that happens on your ship." He said, taking a sip from his whiskey.

"Doesn't matter how absurd it seems, whether it actually has anything to do with you. It's just how it works. It's best to keep your distance from crew members… if you let them see your weakness then they might report it. Or they won't do what needs to be done if it comes down to it." He explained, "The Alliance watches our own people as much as our enemies. You need to be careful, people make grabs for power all the time and will use any excuse to remove you if you make a misstep. People like us don't ask for promotions. We get them because we are good at our jobs. But there is always a political element to rank. You have to play the field. Don't let anyone in too close, it's a tough thing to do. But it's better in the end." Anderson finished.

He was right. Kaidan taught her that more than anything else. Viola had gotten too close and her heart was nearly torn apart because of it. She had to keep her distance.

Garrus tested her and eventually she caved. But Viola didn't let him see all of her. She couldn't, it was her burden to carry and she would do it alone. She had to, if she shared it then Garrus couldn't trust her, couldn't leave her when she ordered him to. He had to think of her as infallible, capable of anything so she could do her job.

Viola still went to that shitty bar, even when Anderson couldn't come. She still had her drink, and it was the only time that she let herself feel. She'd pack it away when she was on the Normandy, stored it for later and waited until she was in the corner of that bar. No one bothered her while she had her drink. Even when she let the tears fall onto the table. Even when she had scratched a scar so deep in the corner that she tore her nail. The few residents of that bar left the Commander alone with her glass of whiskey. 

And no one on her crew, not even Garrus, asked where she went. It was better that way, no one needed to know about the shadows or the burning boy. No one needed to know about how her heart speeds up everytime she has to space walk. No one needed to know anything about her, all they needed to do was follow her orders.

She was alone, and that was alright.

So in this space she dreamed of floating along a river. Parts were calm, others were stormy, threatening to drown her. At first she fought, she panicked, but eventually she grew too tired and she let the river drag her under. Down and down. Until she saw and heard nothing.

---

How many more times was she going to wake up? Viola wanted nothing but sleep, and yet it eluded her. Hadn't she done enough already?

In between these moments of consciousness she laid there and thought. There wasn't much more that she could do, she was far too injured to move. Even if she could, she didn't know if she had the strength for it.

She thought about Garrus. He had asked her to come back alive. But there was no way she could do that and they both knew that. But they had to hold onto hope didn't they?

We finish this together. He had said. He would have died with her, if she had given him that choice. 

She thought about the future they could have had, adopting a child a couple of years from now, after Viola retired. She had loved and hated her life with her parents growing up, the travel and experience was great but family time on a military base was few and far between. It was something she and her mother had come to regret after her father passed. Viola didn't want that for their child, she wanted to be there.

A beach somewhere, Garrus said somewhere tropical. 

Viola lays on the beach, watching Garrus. He's in the water, wearing the worst pair of swim trunks she has ever seen. But he's laughing as he splashes someone in the water. Their child giggles and laughs and Viola can't help but smile. She can't see them properly, but it doesn't matter because the laugh alone is all Viola needs. 

Garrus turns and waves her over to join them. The water glistened off of him and he looked so happy. Happier than she's ever seen him. She stands up to join them in the water.

---

The next time she wakes she is thinking about the Normandy. She had liked it more before Cerberus rebuilt it, rebuilt her. The layout had just made sense, and her quarters had been smaller. The giant room they gave her in the second model didn't suit her. It was too big, too cold. It only felt less cold when Garrus joined her. Plus the window above her bed, it reminded her of the moment she had died before. She often had the blinds closed, Garrus never asked why but he probably knew.

Then she's thinking about the crew. She starts with Kaidan. Viola thinks of Kaidan almost every day, but in small doses. Like his coffee, he always put in sugar but never any creamer. So once, she mistook her black coffee for his and they both had a laugh at the face she had made. These types of memories would have hurt her years ago, but now the pain there was a dull ache. He would have hated that she joined with Cerberus, she's sure. But in the end, he would have come around. But now, she has Garrus. 

If she does end up seeing Kaidan again at the end of this, she hoped that the afterlife did have a bar because she would need a drink.

Viola goes through them all, Liara, Tali, EDI, even Rex gets a moment. She thinks about their last conversations, the memories they had together and eventually she thinks about Joker.

He took it hard the first time she died. So she wondered how he would take it this time. Joker would be okay, wouldn't he? She wondered about his family, and hoped beyond hope that they had survived. Even if it was unlikely, she still hoped. He needed someone to -

A noise to her right. Not the shifting of rubble, of the wind but… voices. Far off, not far enough away if she could just-

Just what? Die out of the rubble instead of under it? Getting her out of here would be agony. She can't scream, her throat was in such pain that she might kill herself trying. And moving? What could she possibly do to attract their attention? She was at least 6 ft under the rubble. Even if they could get to her, doesn't mean that they get her out. Shifting any of this rubble could be a death wish.

Hadn't she already done enough? Wasn't she done?

No... She wasn't. 

She wanted to live, wanted to try at the very least. She survived so much, she wanted for once in her entire life to live how she wanted. Be who she wanted. Viola Shepard did not give up, not now and not ever. 

She looked around, every minor movement sent shocks of pain from her neck down to the heels of her feet. But she looked, breathed past the spasms in her muscles to see in the darkness for something she could use. 

There. A piece of pipe. It looked like it was supporting a bit of a metal sheet. The sheet wasn't heavy enough to snap the thin pipe yet. That means the weight above it, that she couldn't see, can't be that heavy. It was a gamble. Her foot was near it, she couldn't feel her toes anymore, and her ankle was on fire. 

Just one kick, maybe a biotic kick would do. Not a ton of power, she didn't want to blow everything to high water and accidentally bury herself.

Viola had never been good at control, despite her personality. She was always in control with people, but her biotics? That was about power and release and well, she lacked the control. Or maybe it was just the one thing she didn't want control over. But she closed her eyes, amazed that she could still feel the power behind all the pain. She slipped into it just for a moment.

In a singular movement she opened her eyes and kicked some of the blue energy she was so familiar with released. The pipe snapped, the metal sheet rolled, coming dangerously close to hitting her. Instead it shifted along the rubble around her, landing behind her head. 

The sun was too bright. She shut her eyes against it as the voices stopped for a moment before there was a flurry of feet rushing towards.

"What the hell was- holy shit! There's someone here!" A man shouted the sound was almost too loud, "I need a gurney! Whatever med equipment that you have!" He continued to shout as he walked away. 

"Hey!" A woman shouted to her, "You're going to be okay, we're coming, just stay put and try not to move!" She commanded.

They didn't have to tell her twice.

Chapter 6: Trial and Error

Summary:

Shepard's fate is left in the Council's hands to decide.

Joker entered the Citadel Council chambers a week later, along with all the other throngs of people. He wore his Alliance uniform, the only formal attire that he had, with his signature hat. It felt odd to be dressed this way for the trial, but it also felt wrong to wear his usual clothes. 

The amount of people packed into the council chamber didn't surprise Joker, not only is the hero who saved them all alive but she was on trial. It was a spectacle to be sure, however Joker was surprised at how hushed the crowd was. The tone of the chamber was unreadable. He wondered who was here to support Shepard and who was not.

Joker pressed through the crowd, hearing the occasional whispers of those in attendance. 

"I can't believe she survived…"

"I wonder if we'll get to hear about how it happened…"

"Deserting the military, sure. But genocide? They can't be serious…"

"One thing I can say is that they can't just sweep the loss of AI under the rug. There has to be some sort of punishment…"

Joker swallowed, his own thoughts weren't that different from those he heard but Joker knew more than the crowd. But they hadn't been there with her through that hell. They hadn't seen her during her interview, they hadn't heard the suffering she had gone through. That had to count for something, the council may not have been Shepard's biggest fan, but surely they weren't cruel.

With that grim thought Joker scanned the room, looking for a familiar face. He spotted Tali almost immediately in the fray and she waved him over. It took Joker a bit to navigate carefully through the crowd, but before long he was wrapped up in her arms. Despite everything, Joker smiled and hugged her back. 

"It's good to see you." Tali said as she pulled away.

"You too, although I wish it was under better circumstances." Joker sighed, taking a seat next to her.

"Agreed. This whole thing is just wrong. I understand why but still…" Tali admitted, gesturing to the chamber in front of them.

"Did you have a chance to see her?" Joker asked.

"No, but Garrus told me what he could. Considering what Shepard went through I'm just… so glad she's alive." Tali whispered, her voice filled with so much emotion that Joker had to swallow down his own. He knew the feeling all too well.

"And your people? One of the charges is genocide, for the geth." Joker said.

"We didn't bring that forward, the Citadel Council did, they are the only ones that have the authority. The Quarians had questions we hoped Shepard could answer. The Citadel presented evidence and her interview to us…" Tali paused, "That must have been difficult." She said, looking at him.

Joker nodded. 

"I've never seen her like that. But I'm glad she wanted to talk to me about it. I feel a little bit guilty to be honest. A hell of a way to treat a friend, I was the one that revealed where she was." He admitted.

"Don't.” Tali said sternly, “I think she felt relieved to tell someone, to stop running and to just be honest. I'm glad it was you." She said, squeezing Joker’s hand gently before releasing it.

"I can't speak for all of my people, but we agree on one thing, Shepard saved us. If she hadn't made the decision that day then we would all be dead and the Reapers would have had their new cycle." Tali stated.

Joker released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"That's good-" Joker said, he was about to say something else when a voice interrupted him.

"Is this seat taken?" The voice said, behind him.

"Oh, um-" Joker began, turning but stopped in his tracks. 

The woman before him looked very similar to Viola. She had dark skin with dark hair streaked with gray that was braided and tied up in a bun. She wore a suit, with an Alliance insignia pinned to the pocket which signified her rank.

"Rear Admiral Shepard." Joker whispered.

The Admiral’s warm brown eyes crinkled as she smiled at Joker.

"Please, Hannah is fine, I've been retired for a while now." Hannah said.

"Yes, of course, and um please have a seat." Joker stuttered. He half got up, unsure how to greet her. The Admiral sat down, next to Joker, he followed suit after a moment of indecision.

Joker couldn't recall meeting the Rear Ad- Hannah, before and the Commander had never really talked about her mother at length. But she looked kind, and it was clear that Shepard took after her.

"Joker and… Tali, right? Viola has told me about you both." Hannah said.

"Yes, that's right, it's nice to meet you." Joker replied.

"Yes, nice to meet you." Tali said, "Have you had a chance to talk with Shep- I mean Viola?" She asked.

"Yes, briefly, she was only allowed one visitor but even the council can't deny a mother from seeing her only child." Hannah said, "Viola was doing alright, the last time we spoke, considering everything that happened." She said.

Hannah began scanning the room, looking for someone, as she spotted them she waved. Garrus appeared a minute later, taking the last seat next to Hannah.

"Hey." He said simply.

"Hey." Joker and Tali greeted in unison.

"I can't wait for this to be over. I always hated the anticipation with these things." Garrus said, crossing his arms, "Part of me thinks that they just like to make us wait for dramatic effect." He sighed.

Hannah smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"I know the feeling." Hannah said, then she looked back at Joker and Tali.

"I'm not worried about the charges for the Alliance military and the Spectres. But the genocide count will be the hardest… sentencing my daughter to death is definitely one of the possibilities. I just hope they take what she did to save all of us from certain extinction into consideration." She said.

She turned to look at them all, with a small smile on her face. 

"Either way, Viola is prepared for whatever the council decides. I just hope that no matter what you all can be there for her. She cares about you all very much." Hannah finished.

Collectively, they all nodded. There was no way Shepard was going through anything alone. 

Not again.

It was then that the whispers and little chatter in the room stopped completely as the Citadel Council entered the room. The Turian councilor, Councilor Sparatus, the Asari councilor Tevos, the Salarian councilor Valern, and the Human councilor Admiral Hackett took their places on the high platform. Joker remembered briefly how it was Shepard that saved all of the councilors all those years ago. It was Shepard that exposed Udina for what he was. They owe their lives to her.

But despite that, Joker could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the nervous energy setting in as the council members finished their procession into the chamber.

Below on the dias, Shepard was escorted in by armed guards, her counsel following in behind. All eyes were on her. Shepard wore a gray uniform, and looked up at the councilors above. Joker could tell that the audience was taking in her appearance. She had changed quite a bit from the last time anyone had seen her. Shepard's armed guard and counsel waited as Shepard walked the rest of the way alone, stopping at the end of the platform.

"The Citadel Council is now in session." Councilor Tevos announced.

Silence buzzed about the room.

"Today the Citadel Counsel will review the case of Commander Viola Iris Shepard. Viola Shepard, you are charged with abandoning your post as Spectre for this council as well as your commanding position in the Alliance military. You are also charged with genocide, of the Geth race and all artificial intelligence, aside from the Reapers themselves." She said, pausing to address Shepard.

"Do you understand the charges brought against you?" Tevos asked.

"I do." Shepard replied, her artificial voice echoing in the chamber.

"Is there anything you wish to say before we begin?" Councilor Sparatus asked.

"No Councilor, I defer to the council's judgement of my crimes and accept any punishment they deem fit." Shepard replied.

Sparatus nodded, gesturing to Tevos to continue.

"We have reviewed the evidence and your interviews about the events during and after the fall of the Citadel. By the Commander's own admission, as well as other evidence we have gathered… this Council can confirm that the Commander was under the influence of Reaper Indoctrination during this period." The Councilor said, there were audible gasps among the audience. 

Joker winced, no matter what Shepard had done to destroy the Reapers her indoctrination would be hard to overlook. 

Tevos paused to allow the crowd to quiet again before continuing. Shepard stood resolute on the dias.

"Despite this, the Commander made the decision to destroy the Reapers and save the galaxy from certain death. An impossible feat in itself. However, instead of reporting this the Commander decided to hide from the world after she recovered from her injuries." Tevos said.

"One can hardly blame her for that." Councilor Valern said.

"These are serious crimes. But this council has come to a decision." Councilor Sparatus began, "Commander Shepard, you are hereby stripped of your Spectre status. In addition you are hereby discharged from the Alliance military and are stripped of your former rank of Commander." Sparatus finished.

"In regard to the count of genocide, this council finds Viola Shepard… guilty." Valern said.

Gasps and even some shouts erupted from the crowd. 

Joker's heart gave a painful thud in his chest despite knowing that a guilty verdict was likely. Now it was up to the council to decide the punishment, Joker clenched his fists and looked over at Shepard. She stood unchanged as the crowd continued to voice their opinions. Joker hoped he could give her some sort of invisible strength through the crowd. Joker knew that no magic or prayer would save her now, that her fate was up to others, but it gave him something to focus on in the chaos.

Valern waited, some of the Citadel guards ordering silence. It took several minutes before the room was quiet enough for him to continue.

"This council did consider the fact that Shepard did not have complete confirmation on whether or not all artificial intelligence lifeforms would be destroyed along with the Reapers. However, Shepard did admit on record that she would have made the same decision if she had known the consequences. We must note that the weapon used for this crime was one that all the races built together to stop the Reapers. We acknowledge that we would not be standing here today if Shepard had not made this decision for us, and that this was perhaps the only outcome where we survived. However, we will never know for certain. No matter the circumstances this crime cannot go unpunished." Councilor Valern stated.

Valern turned to Admiral Hackett, the new Human representative and Shepard's former commanding officer. He nodded and addressed the room.

"With this in mind, this council agrees that Viola Shepard will be exiled to the Terminus Systems. In addition she will never hold a commanding position in any military or governing body due to her previous indoctrination for the remainder of her life. This is our decision." Admiral Hackett stated, pausing a moment to address Shepard directly.

"Shepard, you have 48 hours to get your affairs in order before you leave for the Terminus System, you will never be able to step foot outside of that system again and will be monitored to ensure you carry out your sentence." The Admiral stated, he then looked about the room and to the other councilors.

"This council is adjourned." The Admiral finished.

The council walked off their dias, and as quickly as the trial had started it was over. Joker breathed a sigh of relief as Tali grabbed his arm, gently squeezing it. 

"I can't believe this…" Tali said in whispered awe.

It was the best outcome they could have hoped for. 

Joker smiled at Tali before looking down at Shepard who visibly sagged where she stood before her counsel joined her at the end of the platform, speaking with her.

As for the rest of them, hugs were exchanged, all of them ignoring any whisper or argument about them. Joker's sadness at the loss of EDI was still there but there was also happiness for Shepard. Both things could exist and no 'what if' scenarios would change the reality of the situation.

In Joker's book, Shepard deserved all the happiness and peace in the galaxy. She would finally be free to live the life she wanted. The woman who died twice to save the universe would now be able to live her third life in relative freedom. 

Third time's the charm, right?

---

After being escorted out of the Council chamber to collect her things, and being reunited with their small group, Shepard announced that she needed a drink. This wasn’t at all surprising as Joker could honestly use one himself. So their procession, Tali, Garrus, Hannah, Shepard and Joker made their way to Purgatory, as Aria's establishment was probably the best place for Shepard to be. Their entourage was followed by two not-so-discrete Citadel guards, probably there to ensure that Shepard didn’t escape. 

Shepard for her part paid them no mind, smiling, holding hands with Garrus, Joker was pretty sure he had never seen her happier. She ignored the stares and whispers of the other Citadel residents that they crossed, walking past without a care in the world. Or maybe she did care, but was doing everything she could to act like she didn't. 

As they entered the bar, the lights and dark atmosphere lended some semblance of privacy. The group went to the bar and ordered their drinks. Shepard collected her usual glass of whiskey and sat, content, as Tali dragged Garrus and Hannah to the dance floor. 

Joker for his part, ordered his usual “anything with an umbrella” and as he received it, placed the umbrella in one of the holes of his hat. Shepard smiled at him, no laugh came from her, but the smile was enough.

“What, no dancing?” Joker asked, turning to watch Tali lead a three person waltz of some sort with Garrus and Hannah. It didn’t seem to be going well, but they looked like they were having fun. 

Shepard shook her head.

“Not yet, I’m not much of a dancer, unless I’m very drunk or if Garrus asks.” Shepard smiled, taking another sip of her drink. 

Joker nodded, sobering a bit.

“How are you feeling?” He asked sincerely.

“Relieved.” Shepard replied, “I would have accepted any punishment the Council gave me, but I’m just happy to be able to live a life of my own. Even in the Terminus systems. Who knows, maybe one of those planets has a beach.” She said, smiling a bit in a knowing way.

Joker didn’t understand it, but with the way her eyes twinkled he hoped she found that beach.

“Planning to retire, Commander?” Joker teased.

“Call it a forced retirement.” Shepard joked, not missing a beat, “Even though I am relieved, it feels wrong to celebrate. EDI and the geth still died because of what I did. The councilor was right, maybe there was another way to destroy the Reapers and not kill other AI life. I don't know." She admitted.

Joker sighed.

"If life has taught me anything, those 'what if' scenarios don't get you anywhere. When I was younger I always thought about that, what if I didn't have brittle bone disease? But that just made me miss a life I didn't even have, and a super unrealistic life at that. It wasn't until I was put into therapy that I got myself out of that mind set. I realized that the only thing holding me back was myself. I could still do everything I wanted to do, it would just be a bit harder than it would be for someone else." Joker said, pausing as Shepard gazed at him thoughtfully.

"What I'm trying to say," He continued, "Is that you did the best you could do with the circumstances that you had. Hell, if you had done anything else, I'm not even sure we would be standing here right now. Sure, we don't know that for certain but because of you, we all got to survive the Reapers. No one has done that, ever. That isn't something we or the rest of the universe can forget." Joker finished.

Shepard nodded.

"It'll take me a while to get there, but I have time." She said, "I still have the crew on Omega. Might stay with them for awhile, figure out what I want to do. Garrus says he’ll come with me.” Shepard mentioned, changing the subject.

“Garrus had moved on with his life and now I’m uprooting it again.” She finished, looking into her whiskey.

“Hey.” Joker began, touching her shoulder gently until she looked at him, “Garrus doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. He cares about you, loves you, he’ll do anything for you. I-We’ll do anything for you, we care about you. So what is a little uprooting? It’s nothing compared to not having you here with us.” Joker said.

Shepard’s amber eyes looked into Joker’s, like she was trying to divine his thoughts. She nodded and then looked at him seriously.

“I didn’t mean what I said in that interview, Joker. When I said you don’t know me. I think out of everyone you know me best. I was just stubborn…” Shepard trailed off.

“No, you were right, or at least you had a point.” Joker said, releasing her shoulder. “I never really tried to understand what you were dealing with, even without knowing that you were indoctrinated. The amount of pressure you were experiencing must have been insane and you’ve always bottled it up. I could have tried harder to get through to you, but I just… didn’t.” He finished, shrugging. 

“Well let’s be honest, I wasn’t exactly helping you.” Shepard reasoned.

Joker huffed out a laugh.

“That’s true, but even still. I knew you bottled everything up, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you lose your cool, even after everything with Kaidan, Cerberus, Earth, what have you. Sure you've been mad before, but I've never seen you really upset. I think I got used to you being my rock, it wasn’t until Anderson asked me to look after you that I remembered… you’re just a person like the rest of us. I think we all took that for granted and for that I’m sorry. We were your friends and we didn’t help you even though we could see that something was wrong.” Joker apologized. 

Shepard sat there for a second, just looking at him. 

“Thank you.” She said, but Joker could tell that her eyes were a little glassy, “Let’s just try to not do that again okay? I think I’m done with the galaxy ending dangers.” She joked. 

Joker smiled.

“Yeah we can leave that to the next generation.” Joker said. Shepard huffed in what would have been a laugh.

Whispers of a dream rippled across Joker’s mind.

“I wish you had said that to me when I was alive.”

Joker swallowed. 

“Hey, I have something I wanted to tell you.” Joker said, the nervous butterflies bubbled in his stomach suddenly. 

He hadn't been planning to tell her, but all of this was too close to his dream. And not that Joker should take advice from dreams, but he should tell her. They were friends after all. It still didn’t make him feel less like a teenager with the way his palms were beginning to sweat.

Shepard looked at him curiously as Joker took in a big breath.

“I, um, have feelings for you, beyond a friend and I have for awhile now. I know you are with Garrus and I’m not expecting anything, but it was only fair for me to tell you.” Joker admitted.

There was a pause, as Shepard blinked at him. To her credit she did a good job of not looking surprised. Although maybe she wasn’t, she was still so hard to read sometimes.

“Thank you for telling me, I don’t feel the same about you, but you are a very important friend to me and I hope you know that.” Shepard said, her eyebrows crinkled in the center, the way they did when she was concerned, “Are you going to be okay?” She asked.

Joker nodded, to be honest he felt a million times lighter, even if his heart ached a little in his chest.

“Yeah, thanks for listening, this was unresolved and I just needed to say it. I am happy for you and Garrus, he really cares about you and he makes you happy. You deserve some happiness.” Joker said, looking out to the dancefloor. 

“Speak of the devil, here he comes, I think you are about to be forced into some dancing.” Joker said. 

“Oh no.” Shepard replied, but she was smiling. She stood, placing a gentle hand on Joker’s arm and gave it a squeeze before letting go. 

A moment later, Garrus arrived.

“You, on the dance floor. Now.” He said, despite his serious tone, he gently took Shepard’s hand and began to drag her away. 

“I’ll make sure your drink isn’t poisoned!” Joker called, watching as the couple slipped into the crowd, the citadel guards begrudgingly following them. 

Joker smiled, watching them dance. It wasn’t perfect but for the first time in a long time, he felt like everything would work out. They danced the night away. Even Joker joined for a bit. Before eventually, tired and a bit tipsy, they made their way back to their individual abodes. Each finding the deepest and dreamless sleep they had had in a long time.

---

48 hours later, as promised, Shepard boarded her ship with Garrus in tow. The two of them stood on the dock and said their goodbyes. Even Liara had made the trip to see them off.

When it was Joker's turn, he received a hand shake from Garrus who told him to visit. Joker promised he would before turning to Shepard. He wasn't sure how to proceed, but Shepard didn't hesitate, taking Joker into her arms.

Okay, so he was still a little in love with her. Joker deemed that hugs from Shepard are the best thing on earth. She even did the thing where she held the back of his head for a second, making him feel small. Way to make a guy swoon. 

“See you later.” She said, pulling away with a smile. 

Still a little dazed it took a moment for Joker to return it.

“Yeah, see you later.” Joker replied. 

He knew he would. 

Notes:

Viola is based on my second play-through, she had a survivor and spacer background. She ended up romancing Kaidan in the first game and Garrus in the other two. By the end of the game she was a true neutral character as I tried to balance paragon and renegade decisions (just so I could romance Garrus). At the end of her game I did get the secret Shepard lives ending after destroying the Reapers.
I hated Kaidan after my first play through (I didn't romance him the first time and let him live over Ashley). I hated him so much that I romanced him on purpose the second time around just so I could kill him off. Ashley sucks but Kaidan was unbearable in the second game. I made it into a soft point for Viola in this story but I hated him.
Indoctrination just made sense with the way the 3rd game played out, and no I don't care what the creators say. You don't get to drop indoctrination breadcrumbs and pretend like it didn't mean anything. So I wanted to experience what it would be like for Shepard to be indoctrinated in a way that was more subtle than Saren. Essentially in this story, the Reapers didn't want Shepard to arm the Crucible, she was already indoctrinated so they tried to convince her not to destroy them similar to what they did to the Protheans the first time.
The Catalyst is just the Citadel which is confirmed in-game. No weird hologram children involved! It is canon that the Protheans couldn’t deploy the Crucible because of infighting over whether or not they could control the Reapers. Those that suggested that they could control them were indoctrinated. So that path is definitely not possible as the Reapers probably planted that idea to prevent the Protheans from using the Crucible to kill them. I don't believe the Protheans would have left out the fact that they could synthesize organic and artificial life even if the designs of the Crucible were not clear to the engineers during Shepard's time.
I also found it hard to believe that Anderson made it up the beam, completely unharmed as he was in game, so he died during the assault like everyone else in my version. After the Illusive Man informed the Reapers about the Alliance's plan, they discarded him and he was actually dead for the majority of the battle for Earth. They felt they had no need for him because Shepard was already indoctrinated and felt that they could manipulate her just as they had the Protheans.
In this story, Shepard woke up because she still chose the destroy path. If she had chosen control or synthesize, she would have died from blood loss on the Citadel and the Reapers would have won. They gave her the choice because it would have been too suspicious not to offer it, but hoped that her love for EDI and other artificial intelligence would turn her away from that decision. It ended up the same in the end, as the power from the Crucible does not discriminate, I believe the Reapers were the only form of AI in the galaxy at the time the Protheans were building the Crucible so that makes sense.
I mainly did this story because I was very upset that I could not romance Joker. And because I thought there were some emotional moments with Shepard that were missed in the game. Bioware please call me if you ever decide to add Joker as a romance option, I would pay good money. In the end, Shepard and Joker do not get together in this story but I still love their dynamic so much.

There are a lot of little decisions that I based on my version of Shepard and also just the context of the events in the game. This is my most researched fic and I have been writing it off and on for nearly 6 years! I hope you enjoyed it!