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Edelgard remembered precious few things about her siblings.
Shamefully, she had to admit her memories were sparse and since, as a child, she had favoured some siblings over the rest, they were the ones she remembered best, the others having been reduced to little more than a blurry face and echoing cries. One of those she had the most memories of was her eldest sister, Estella. She had been only six years older than Edelgard, but to an eight year old, that was almost a lifetime. She had looked wise from the younger Princess' perspective, and now Edelgard knew she had been wise, wiser than a lot of adults even, despite the fact she was little more than a child in the Emperor's memories.
She had also been hard-working and, for as long as she could remember, Edelgard had drawn part of her strength and stamina from the memory of how hard her sister had worked on the things she had put her mind to, be it baking Edelgard a cake when she had felt sad or studying magic.
Estella's determined eyes were never far from her mind, nor was the memory of the time she had put her hand on a cooling stove, not feeling, for a few seconds, that it had still been too hot for her skin to withstand. The cook had screamed at the top of his lungs and Estella had gazed at her red, blistering hand with a look of offense, insulted that her body had failed her -her nerves for not warning her or her skin for not enduring the heat, Edelgard had never known. Later, Estella had explained to her :
"Magic is powerful, El. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. But human bodies are fragile things : they have a hard time withstanding that kind of power in the long run. The first time you send a fireball, you will feel the heat coursing down your arm to call on the fire ; the hundredth time, the fire will be stronger, but the feeling of the heat will be dulled out as it has slowly weakened and burned your nerves. White magic can't fight it off, no more than it can cure an elder's dementia ; we just have to endure it and learn to live with it."
Estella had learned well ; never again had Edelgard seen her sister get hurt because of her dulled sense of touch.
She had almost forgotten about this until a couple years before she started attending Garreg Mach ; she had been working with Hubert when the boy -almost a man then, but not quite- had dropped the item he had been holding for seemingly no reason. Edelgard had been worried he had overworked himself to the point of exhaustion, so she had not let go of the matter until he had reluctantly explained :
"This is simply the effect of my magic, Lady Edelgard. As you probably know, intense usage will lead to dulled out sensations ; I did not feel my grip relaxing, which is why I dropped this."
Just as Estella had, years before, he showed her how he stimulated his nerves to try to keep his senses sharp, or at least slow down the deterioration process. Estella, having lost her ability to feel heat due to her fire magic, had bathed her hands in buckets of water of varying temperature, trying to classify them from warmest to coldest ; Hubert, using mainly black magic, had first lost his ability to know how his fingers, then hands, were positioned if he didn't look at them, so, among other things, he went through the exercise of taking a pose with one hand and trying to replicate it, eyes closed, with the other. Now, years later, Edelgard knew he was also using a spiked ball he kept in his pockets to stimulate his sense of touch, since prolonged use of magic would end up impacting all types of sensitivity, no matter the main element used.
Logically, she should have expected to see the same symptoms show in Dorothea ; she should have anticipated it, even, and taught her how to minimize the effects if Manuela hadn't already. Yet, she didn't, and was surprised the day she first saw Dorothea ponder over two pieces of cloth at the market for longer than usual. She held both pieces in her hands, testing the materials with a frown, and when Edelgard asked her what was wrong, she took a moment too long to answer before forcing a smile to her lips :
"I just don't know which to pick, they're both so nice !"
Edelgard removed her gloves to touch the materials herself and had to fight to not let her eyebrows shoot up in surprise : the two textiles were of similar thickness and colour, but one was clearly cotton while the other had the roughness of linen. Not wanting to put Dorothea on the spot, Edelgard simply said :
"It feels to me like this one is softer and will be nicer to wear. How much do you want ?"
Despite Dorothea's protests, Edelgard paid for her purchase, then dragged her back to her apartments.
She refused to tell Dorothea what was on her mind until the door to her bedroom had shut behind them ; she had a feeling Dorothea would brush her off and try to avoid the topic, especially if they were in a public space, but here, in the privacy of her room, she knew Dorothea would be more at ease to speak.
Finally letting go of Dorothea's hand, Edelgard dropped the bag containing their purchases -she had insisted on carrying it- and turned to face Dorothea who seemed uneasy, but hid it expertly behind a teasing smile.
"Dragging me to your room like this, Edie, despite how many people could see us... I didn't think you so forward !"
Even though she knew full well the Songstress was only trying to distract her, Edelgard had to fight off a blush at the implication. Dorothea and her had been secretly courting for over a year now, had been in love with each other for even longer, but her lover's teasing never failed to fluster her. It seemed Dorothea was fully aware of it and quite liked it.
But Edelgard was not the kind of woman to back down from a task for just a bit of teasing. She cleared her throat, willing herself to look as serious as possible while maintaining some warmth in her voice and eyes.
"Dorothea, would you please sit down ? I would like to ascertain something."
Dorothea's smile faded away, distraction thwarted, and she went to sit on the bed while Edelgard rummaged through one of her dresser's drawers. She knew that magic affected the caster differently depending on the element, and since Dorothea favoured lightning, it was likely the most impacted type of sensitivity would be the superficial one : her ability to feel touch. She would have to test the other ones as well, but for now, she would keep it simple, just to get Dorothea to open up to her and acknowledge what was happening.
She pulled out of her drawer a long, soft feather as well as a pencil. She went to sit at Dorothea's side and gently took her right hand.
"Could you please close your eyes for me ?"
She saw Dorothea worry her lower lip, most likely debating if she should try to run away or simply comply. It seemed she decided to get it over with sooner rather than later because she ended up closing her eyes and exhaling softly. Gently, Edelgard began to run the feather against her forearm, her wrist, the palm of her hand, her fingers... She could see Dorothea frown from time to time, especially when she touched her first three fingers or the palm of her hand on their side. Low and soft, afraid of breaking the moment with her words, she asked :
"Do you feel this ?"
Dorothea's exhale, this time, was shaky and it took her a few seconds to answer :
"Sometimes. I feel it on the outside of my arm, but a bit less on the other side and my last two fingers ; I practically don't feel anything with my first three."
Edelgard nodded, though Dorothea couldn't see her, then turned her arm over to caress the backside of it. She asked the same question and received a similar answer. She repeated the process with the other hand, Dorothea's non-dominant one, and was pleased to see the damage was less extensive and more sensations remained. Then, she put the feather away and took the pencil's tip and round end to test how accurate Dorothea's perception was. Once again, her right hand was more damaged, for Dorothea was unable to differentiate the two ends of the tool, no matter the area touched, but her left hand fared better, especially her last two fingers.
"When did you first notice your lack of sensation ?"
Dorothea worried her bottom lip again and took a moment to answer. She was probably torn, as was often the case, between the desire to talk of her problems to someone else and the fear that it would make her an unwelcome burden. She was still unused to having people who genuinely cared for and wanted to help her and, though she was the first to lend an ear to her friends, she still had trouble asking for the same thing for herself.
Edelgard also struggled with this exact same problem for similar reasons to Dorothea : betrayed by people who should have protected her, left alone after the death of her family and political incapacitation of her father, with no one she could trust to help her aside from Hubert... Suffice to say, she had learned to get by without relying on other people's support, moral or otherwise. Dorothea, for her part, had one main support after leaving the street : Manuela. Just like Hubert for Edelgard, Manuela had felt like salvation for Dorothea after the hell she had gone through, but she'd left the Mittelfrank only four years later, when the newly dubbed "Mystical Songstress" had been 14. Edelgard didn't know if her lover had made a lot of friends at the opera house after that, but judging from her practically non-existent social life since they had started working together in Enbarr, she doubted Dorothea had any close friends she could have shared her burdens with. So she waited, drawing circles with her thumbs on her lover's hands, still in hers, favouring the areas where the sensation would be better perceived.
After a moment, Dorothea's shoulders sagged and a small, resigned sigh escaped her lips. Then she started talking :
"A couple months ago. I was holding something, I don't even remember what, and dropped it inadvertently ; I didn't even feel it slip from my hand. Manuela had warned me about sensation loss, but I didn't want to believe it at first : I was in denial, I thought I was simply tired, or cold, or I had spent too much time writing that day... Some days I didn't notice anything and it comforted me in the idea that it was only temporary, but..."
Dorothea trailed off and looked away, shame flashing in her eyes. Edelgard couldn't help it : she lifted a hand to her lover's cheek, gently coaxing her to meet her gaze, and started caressing the soft skin with her thumb. Dorothea leaned into the touch, bringing her own hand up to keep Edelgard's pressed against her cheek ; after a moment, she let out a small sigh and turned her head to kiss the gloved palm. Then, quietly, Dorothea continued :
"I kept losing more feeling. Sometimes it felt like a plateau, like I wasn't losing anymore, but it never got better, only worse. Today was the first time I had trouble differentiating clothes like this : it seemed like one was slightly softer than the other, but the difference felt so small, I couldn't even tell if it was really there. But to you it was stark : you didn't even hesitate."
Edelgard said nothing, but offered a nod when Dorothea looked her way. A sad smile took place on her lover's lips and Edelgard's heart ached at the sight.
"I am so afraid... so afraid that one day I won't be able to feel your hand in mine, notice that you're not wearing your gloves without looking, control my strength when I hold you..."
She stopped and let out another shaky breath ; then, eyes cast downward, voice so soft Edelgard could barely hear her :
"I worry that, when we have children... I won't be able to feel them and know how soft their skin is ; that they'll try to grab my hand to get my attention and I'll ignore them ; that they'll be ill and I won't even be able to notice the heat of their fever ; that I won't feel the strength I use to hold them and I'll end up hurting them-"
Dorothea's breath caught in her throat and she broke into sobs ; Edelgard immediately gathered her in her arms, hugging her tight, rubbing her back in soothing motions and murmuring soft reassurances in her ear.
They had talked of children in the second month of their courtship, after spending the day at an orphanage together ; the conversation had quickly brought them to discuss their shared dream of having children, little ones they would love and raise and care for, and Edelgard would always remember how radiant Dorothea had looked as they had fantasised of the family they would one day build together. It was all too easy, then, to imagine Dorothea's anguish at the thought of touching, but never fully feeling, the children she so desired.
For a long while, they stayed there, in each other's arms, silence only broken by Dorothea's sobs and Edelgard's murmured promises -that she was there, they could overcome anything together, everything would be alright...
At some point, Dorothea's sobs quieted down, giving place to silent tears and a fierce embrace. Edelgard kept drawing idle shapes on her back and kissing the crown of her head, her temple, her cheek... until Dorothea finally raised her eyes, still filled with tears, to lock gazes with her lover.
"I'm sorry Edie, I should have told you... I was... scared, I guess. If I talked to you, this would be real : I couldn't pretend, or hope, that it would pass.
- I understand, Dorothea. I'm sorry I didn't notice earlier, that I didn't ask. I know mages are almost certain to lose feeling in their hands and even arms, but I didn't think to ask how you were faring, even though the war has been going on for months now and you train every day.
- Don't blame yourself, Edie. To be honest, I'm not sure I would have been... open to discussion, so to say, if you'd asked me about this before today. Like I said, I didn't want this to be real.
- Be that as it may, I wish I had done more. I would like to help now, if you would let me.
- How ?
- My sister showed me a few things to help with the loss of feeling."
Edelgard went back to her drawer and considered her options for a moment, then took a medium paintbrush and a vial of massage oil. She brought the items back to bed and to Dorothea, who couldn't help but try to make a joke to distract herself from her earlier breakdown.
"While I would be happy to get a massage, Edie, I fail to see where the brush comes in. Unless you want to try something new ?" she said with a small, suggestive smile.
Edelgard blushed once more at the implications, mind filling with the images those words brought forth, but she quickly composed herself and sat down next to Dorothea on the bed. She saw her lover pout at how small of a reaction her words had caused and gave her a proud little smirk ; it only got wider when Dorothea huffed exaggeratedly and crossed her arms in a show of discontent. Theatrics often helped her lover regain her composure, so Edelgard didn't comment on it, focusing on taking off her gloves to put some oil on one hand and rub it with the other, warming them up in the process. She then softly asked for Dorothea's right hand, getting not only the requested limb, but a kiss to the cheek as well. With a smile, she begun her massage.
Dorothea let out a soft sigh at the sensation while closing her eyes to focus on it better. Edelgard smiled at the sight : at least she could still enjoy this, even if not as fully as she would have a year ago. Focusing on her task, Edelgard took care to massage each finger an equal amount of time, then moved on to Dorothea's palm, rubbing it with gentle, circular motions before she started massaging her wrist, taking the opportunity to bend it slowly in different directions, in a set of stretches similar to the one she did herself before she started drawing. Next was Dorothea's forearm, though it technically didn't require a massage since little to no damage had spread there, but Edelgard was nothing if not thorough, and her lover's soft sighs of contentment and relaxed shoulders were reason enough for her to keep going.
Dorothea's dress, however, blocked her path past the elbow and Edelgard didn't want to ask her to take off the top of her dress -she seemed so relaxed like this, no need to pull her out of her trance-, so she took a bit more oil and repeated the process with Dorothea's left hand and forearm.
After a few minutes, Edelgard let go of her lover's hands and Dorothea opened her eyes, visibly relaxed.
"How are you feeling ?
- Good. This felt very nice Edie, thank you.
- It's nothing. My eldest sister wielded magic as well and suffered from a lack of sensitivity, though in her case, it mainly impacted her ability to feel the cold and heat. She told me once that stimulating her senses was the best way to slow down the damage, or even reverse it if the person stops wielding magic at all. Massaging the damaged areas is one way to offer stimulation, but it's better to do other exercises as well."
With that said, Edelgard took her paintbrush and extended her hand to Dorothea again in a wordless offer. Visibly curious, her lover extended her right hand, which Edelgard delicately held in her own as she started running the brush against it.
She went over the back of Dorothea's hand first, keeping an eye on her lover's face to gauge her reaction. Dorothea was frowning, focused on the brush, but as she became familiar with the sensation, she relaxed, even closing her eyes after a moment to better feel the tool's soft hair. With a small smile, Edelgard moved up to Dorothea's wrist, then forearm, before turning the limb over and moving back down until she reached the palm of Dorothea's hand.
At the first light touch of the brush against her palm, Dorothea startled. Edelgard immediately pulled the brush away.
"Dorothea, are you alright ?
- Y-Yes, I'm alright ! It just, huh..."
The Songstress fidgeted under her gaze, eyes flicking away while a blush dusted her cheeks. Edelgard frowned, about to ask what happened, when a thought crossed her mind ; holding back a smirk, she took advantage of the fact that Dorothea was still looking away, thinking of what to say, to caress the palm of her hand with the brush once more. Dorothea squeaked this time and tried to jerk away, but Edelgard held fast and let a happy, mischievous grin overtake her face.
"You're ticklish !"
Dorothea blanched at realising that her lover had uncovered one of her weaknesses and tried to scramble away. Unfortunately for her, Edelgard was faster and managed to grab Dorothea around the waist before she could get up from the bed. A second later, she had the Songstress pinned against the mattress under her and was tickling her relentlessly. Dorothea's laughter filled the room, unbridled.
"E-Edie, stoooop ! Ha ha ha ! I can't- I can't breathe hihihi ! "
Edelgard stopped her attack, though her face was still split in a grin so wide it hurt, and let her lover catch her breath. She watched, warm with love, as Dorothea put an arm over her eyes, her other hand resting on her stomach, and took big gulps of air, pretending like she had been seconds away from passing out. Chuckling, Edelgard bent down to place a small kiss on the hand covering her lover's eyes ; Dorothea, grinning, took advantage of her position to grab her collar and pull her down in a kiss.
They stayed like this for a little while, trading sweet kisses while their hands caressed the other's cheeks, neck and shoulders. When they finally pulled away a little, Edelgard took hold of Dorothea's left hand and started kissing it as well, from the tip of her fingers to her wrist, earning a few chuckles when she kissed her palm. Then, voice soft and eyes locked on her love, she said :
"I'm here for you, Dorothea. I can't give you back what you have lost, but I want to help in keeping you from losing more. And, if I have my way, once this war is over, you won't ever need to wield magic again. It will take time, but you will heal, my love. So don't worry about our children for now : you may yet be able to feel their touch by the time they come into our lives."
Dorothea's eyes had welled up with tears as she spoke and she looked on the verge of crying again by the time Edelgard was done. She could only nod and pull her lover down to her for a deep, loving kiss. Edelgard closed her eyes as she returned the kiss and swore to herself that, by the time they would hold their first child, Dorothea would have regained full feeling in her hands. She would do everything she could to make sure of this.