Chapter Text
It was a 10 hour drive from Shelby’s college apartment in South Bend, Indiana to the front door of her family home in Hopewell Lake, Minnesota. Shelby breathed out slowly, green eyes glazing over the highway signs as her internal autopilot took over. Her mind wandered elsewhere, not needing to give directions a second thought. She had spent four years driving the stretch of road that wrapped around Lake Michigan, passed through Chicago and Eau Claire, and provided a glimpse of Lake Superior right in the home stretch. That drive had become a ritual - always starting with black coffee in a to-go cup and ending with the warm embrace of her mom. The middle felt daunting at times as the distance between the future she was building for herself and the familiarity she and her family had built a home around weighed on her.
Shelby was pulled from her thoughts by the ringing of her phone, echoing through the speakers of the car. Her eyes drifted off the road ahead of her and to the screen on the dashboard. Her mouth turned up into a smirk and her heart gave an unsolicited tight squeeze, seeing the name and contact picture with wavy brown hair and a goofy smile looking back at her. Trying to gain a quick sense of composure, Shelby ran a hand through her blonde hair, as if that face on the screen could see her, and accepted the call.
“Why, hello there Antonia, to what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call?” Shelby said, exaggerating the southern twang in her accent that she picked up in a state she’d long ago abandoned.
The buzz of the phone line was filled with a hoarse laugh, followed by a, “Shut the fuck up, Shelby. I’m hanging up.”
Shelby bit back a laugh, dragging her hands to the top of the steering wheel and clenched her fingers, “Don’t lie, Antonia , now what do you want?” The line stayed silent for a beat. Shelby checked her phone to make sure the call hadn't dropped before speaking again, “Toni, are you still there?”
“One of these days, I’m going to mean it and you’ll be sorry.” Toni broke her silence with a half halfhearted warning, making Shelby roll her eyes at her friend's feigned offense over the use of her full name, even if she couldn’t see her. “What time will you be in town?"
“I only have about an hour left. Should be pulling into my Mama’s driveway around seven.” Shelby responded after glancing at the gold watch on her left wrist, “Am I still meeting you at the bar?”
“Of course, already here, making sure no one takes your seat. Saving the best seat in the house for you.” Toni assured her, “I’ve already had to give Fatin the boot twice.” It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving – the reason for Shelby’s 700 mile drive – and all of their friends would be in town for the first time since last Christmas.
Toni had taken a job at a local bar, Jack’s, in Hopewell Lake right after graduating high school. After nearly four years there, she had become a fixture behind the large, oak bar between classes at the community college just down the road. A benefit of Toni’s status as the town’s favorite bartender was the immediate institution of an easy gathering place for the tight knit group of friends that the pair had maintained over their eight years of friendship. Free drinks were an added bonus.
Shelby hadn’t stopped smiling since she picked up the phone. She pressed her lips together into a line before opening her mouth to speak again. “Can’t wait,” she stated, her stomach fluttering lightly. “Can’t wait to see you. I have a lot to tell you.”
She could hear the sounds of glasses clinking together on the other side of the line and she could picture Toni standing behind the bar, phone pressed between her ear and her shoulder while she prepped glassware for the night without missing a beat. Toni let out a soft chuckle, “What do you mean, you have something to tell me? We talk every day. I know what you wear when you go get the mail and if your barista forgot to give you oatmilk and how many times your professor uses the word synergy in a lecture.”
A laugh instantly slipped out of Shelby, the tension she had created alone in her car instantly broken by the girl who was still miles away from her. She paused, squeezing the wheel again. “Maybe there’s something that I wanted to tell you in person,” she admitted, and then quickly worked to lighten the mood the way Toni had. “Wanted to make sure we actually had something to talk about other than the shitty bartender at that old watering hole you’re dragging me to tonight.”
“No, you’re absolutely right. We’re running out of content. We need to keep the spark alive somehow,” Toni teased right back. “But, hey, I have to run, Bee. These beers aren’t going to sling themselves.”
“Sounds good, T. I’m going to drop off my bags at home first and say hello to my Mama, Melody, and Spence,” Shelby explained. “I’ll see you real soon.”
“Can’t wait. See you soon,” Toni said, the call ending a second later. Shelby deeply exhaled, not realizing how long she’d been holding her breath as she settled back into the drive.
The light from the setting sun between the trees was creating stripes, bouncing and running across the road and up the dashboard. The drive felt different, Shelby thought. It could have felt like a chore, something she’d done dozens of times over the years, but there was a level of catharsis to this drive as she pushed closer and closer to home. Roads became more and more familiar as the moments ticked by and Shelby felt her hands starting to shake in anticipation.
Finally pulling into the driveway of the brick, craftsman style house she’d come to call home as a teenager, the gravel crunching under her tires, Shelby cut the engine on the vehicle and fully leaned back into the leather seat. Looking up at the house, she was reminded of everything that made her 10 hour, nearly 700 mile drive feel the way that it had. It all boiled down to that stupid bartender who was now just a couple miles from where she sat. The spiral started in that very same driveway three Thanksgivings ago.
Three Years Earlier
Shelby sat in her kitchen, watching her mom effortlessly chop a mirepoix in preparation for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner. The two were catching up across the island after a long three months apart. It was Shelby’s first semester of college and those three months away from her mom had been the longest span they had ever spent away from each other. The two had always been close, but after watching the resilience of her mom as she navigated her divorce, Shelby looked to her mom with a different level of admiration and gratitude.
When Shelby was a little girl, she thought that her parents, Jobeth and Dave Goodkind, were the most perfect couple. She would beg them to tell her stories about how they met and when they got married. They were a blonde haired, blue-eyes-meets-green, southern Greek life dream – or so the story goes. They became an “item” shortly after meeting as freshmen. Shelby’s mom would tell her how her dad held her hand and carried her books and was always holding the door for her. She thought her dad was southern charm embodied. Her parents got married fresh out of college and kids came along not too long after that.
As Shelby got older and more perceptive, she began to see her dad in a different light. There was a darkness to him that made Shelby’s stomach churn to think about. Toxic masculinity, coupled with every terrible -ism and -phobia you could think of, always spoken under the guise of salvation. Shelby was raised a Christian, same as her parents were. Thinking about it in retrospect, when they left church every Sunday, she couldn’t help but feel like they had attended two different services. Shelby, her mom, and her siblings heard love thy neighbor, while her father heard fire and brimstone.
Outside of his role as a “godly” man, Shelby’s dad set expectations high for all three of the Goodkind children. Shelby was a special fixation for him as his oldest daughter. Be it her looks, her grades, or his insistence in her involvement in pageants from the moment she could walk, he was always wanting more from Shelby. Shelby had perfected the pageant smile and worked every day to keep him happy, but could feel herself crumbling under his pressure.
Shelby didn’t understand it for a while, watching with some resentment at the way her mom went through the motions. She’d heard the way her dad spoke to her mom behind closed doors and in jagged whispers from the front seat of the car when he thought the kids couldn’t hear. Shelby heard the way her dad used the house, the kids, and everything he’d “given” to Shelby’s mom against her. Shelby saw how she managed the relationship, picking up from a young age that her mom had built a suit of armor to protect herself, Shelby, and her two younger siblings from the reality of their dad.
The divorce was messy, and for a kid, hard to understand at times. But Shelby, her two siblings, and her mom came out on the other side of it together, moving from Fort Travis, Texas to Hopewell Lake, Minnesota to be close to Jobeth’s parents as soon as things were finalized. They received a card from their father twice a year, an individual card for each kid on their birthday and one signed for all three of them at Christmas. Despite the complexities of divorce, they didn’t dwell on it. The kids were thankful for the sacrifices made by their mom and their grandparents.
“I don’t know Mama, these kids seem so sure of where they want to go and what they want to do, and I’m over here trying to understand how supply and demand relates to an ice cream stand,” Shelby confessed with an exasperated laugh, taking a sip of the glass of wine her mom had poured her as soon as she sat down in the kitchen.
Shelby stood and walked around the island, leaning gently on her mom as she continued prepping. “How can I help?” she asked, looking across the countertop at the neatly organized ingredients.
Jobeth smiled warmly and stopped her chopping to wrap an arm around her daughter and press a kiss to the top of her head. She pulled back and looked at the green eyes that mirrored her own, firmly pushing her back towards the other side of the island. “I want you to take a seat right back where you were, drink your wine, and tell me some real stories from college.”
Shelby rolled her eyes playfully at her mom and did as she asked, sitting back down and pointedly taking a sip. She couldn’t have ever imagined this happening under her father’s roof – enjoying a casual underaged glass of red wine with her mom.
“Happy?” she asked, a false attitude in her voice as she set her glass of wine back down. Jobeth took a sip from her own glass and raised her eyebrows, putting a hand on her hip.
“No actually, you haven’t given me any gossip. Let’s hear it,” Jobeth said plainly and picked up her knife again, waiting for her daughter to fill her in.
The younger Goodkind once again rolled her eyes at her mom and took another sip of wine. She sighed and shrugged. “Nothing to report, Mama. Everyone has been real nice. There’s a few girls I’ve been getting along with from my floor, but I’m still getting to know everyone,” she admitted before continuing. “I miss my friends from here, honestly. I’m having a good time but it isn’t the same,” Shelby confessed, a little embarrassed, tracing the rim of her wine glass with her finger.
Jobeth gave her sympathetic smile and, once again, set her knife down to show her daughter she had her full attention. She pressed her palms to the counter on either side of the cutting board, leaning toward Shelby just slightly. “You know, if you’re not happy, you don’t need to stay. I am so proud of you - a full ride to Notre Dame is such an accomplishment. But I don’t ever want to see you unhappy. There are closer schools.”
Shelby looked back at her mom, eyes thankful. She tucked a blonde wave behind her ear and shook her head. “No, I’ll be alright. I really am happy there. It feels good to have my own space. I just miss it here sometimes, that’s all,” she assured her mom. Jobeth nodded back, understanding the duality to the situation and continued with the task in front of her.
“So how are those girls, anyways?” she asked, wiping her hands on a towel. “Martha, Dottie, Fatin, the Reids… Toni.” Jobeth’s eyes flicked to Shelby for just a second to read her face before dropping them back to her cutting board to give Shelby the space to answer. Shelby clenched slightly, trying to show indifference to the emphasis her mom had placed on that name. Toni. Joebeth continued. “Are you still seeing them on Friday?”
Shelby nodded, avoiding eye contact now. “Yeah, we’re all going over to Fatin’s,” she informed her, taking the last swallow of her wine and pausing for a beat before going on. “And actually, Toni is picking me up in a little bit.”
Her mom smiled, fully looking at Shelby again. “What are you two getting up to? You know you’re always welcome here.”
“Oh, you know, just catching up,” Shelby dismissed. “Toni just bought a car with the money from her new job over at Jack’s so she wanted to take me for a spin . Her words, not mine.”
Jobeth moved across the kitchen to throw out some waste while laughing with her daughter. “Well, that will be nice for the two of you to have some time on your own to catch up,” she said. “It is clear you two are important to each other. I have a feeling you’ll be in each other's lives for a long time.” She was receptive to the friendship Shelby and Toni had formed, seeing how two people that were so different could be so drawn to each other. She was not oblivious to the glances stolen between the girls, whether Toni and Shelby were aware was a whole other story.
Truthfully, Shelby was well aware of every look she had ever sent in Toni’s direction. It started one day, sitting in math class during sophomore year of high school, a couple years into their friendship. Shelby was digging through her bag, looking for a pencil before finally giving up and calling to Toni, sitting in the desk in front of her to ask to borrow one. Toni simply turned in her seat and that was it for Shelby. The way Toni’s sharp jaw drew down to her throat. The way her wavy brown hair swept around her ears and over her slim but athletic shoulders. Her honeyed brown eyes framed by the freckles across her nose. And that waft of Toni, warm and somehow spiced with vanilla and coconut. It was so simple. Just one look changed everything and Shelby was left with a gaping mouth and an empty brain.
The person who had been Shelby’s closest friend, turned into the person who made her head spin and stomach swirl in just a matter of seconds. From there, it had been longing stares, hopefully unnoticed, and trying to play it cool to keep their friendship unchanged while doing everything in her power to soak up every ounce of Toni that she could. And it worked. But Shelby’s heart thudded under her ribs with each exchange since then and, even with miles and miles between them, she looked for that head of wavy brown hair in every room she entered.
A honk from outside of the house pulled Shelby from the bubble of her own thoughts. She quickly looked up at her mom who raised her eyebrows at her and pressed her lips into a tight line, a smile threatening to break through. “She honks, really? She couldn’t knock on the door?”
Shelby jumped off of the tall chair she was sitting on and waved her hand dismissively at her mom. She grabbed her purse from a hook on the wall near the back door, shoved her arms through her oversized fleece lined denim jacket, and quickly slipped on her sneakers. “I’ll see you later, Mama. I won’t be late.”
“Love you, baby,” Jobeth called to Shelby, watching her rush out the door.
Rounding the corner to the front of the house, Shelby stopped in her tracks as soon as she spotted the car sitting in the driveway, with a stupid girl with a stupid head of wavy brown hair and a stupid cocky smile leaning against it. Toni, her arms held open, gestured to the silver car. “So, pretty great, huh?” she nearly yelled out with excitement, eyes twinkling. The car wasn’t much, a base model, several years old, but Shelby knew how happy Toni was to call it her own.
Shelby was beyond proud of how far Toni had come, not only since they met but over the few months between high school graduation and now. When they first met, Toni was a little ball of anger and snarky comebacks. Quickly, Shelby learned what came across as anger was confused passion and a bad deck of cards stacked against her. Toni had been in the foster system since before she could walk, never knowing real stability or how to rely on someone until the Blackburns, their friend Martha’s family, stepped in. Martha was warm and kind and everyone mattered to her; her family was no different than her in that department. An older brother moved off to college, documents were signed, and Shelby watched as the tension in Toni’s body released the day she set her bags down in that spare bedroom. The constant worry of foster placement no longer clouded her head.
While Shelby ended up in Indiana at Notre Dame, their friends were scattered all around. Fatin landed at Berklee College of Music and met her girlfriend Leah, Dot moved to college in Pittsburgh to pursue a pre-med degree, Martha was studying agricultural science at Penn State, and the Reids (to the older twin’s slight chagrin, mixed with relief) both ended up at Stanford. Toni, however, stayed in Hopewell Lake after graduation. At first, Shelby worried about Toni, thinking that she might feel stuck or feel like her friends had abandoned her. But Toni saw staying in Hopewell Lake as an opportunity to find some solid ground for herself with the help of a familiar backdrop. Her highschool grades were solid, so enrolling at the community college was painless. The job at the bar came next, followed by the purchase of that little car. Toni was still living with the Blackburns to help her put away some extra cash, but she made it clear to everyone that she was determined to get a place of her own soon.
Shelby approached the vehicle, crossing her arms over her chest as she circled it, giving it a critical once over like she knew anything about cars. She finally stopped in front of Toni, who was standing there in a puffy black winter coat, oversized gray sweatshirt, white slip-on Vans that had seen better days, and these jeans that were somehow a size too big but fit her just right. Toni’s eager smile never wavered as she waited for Shelby’s feedback.
“I think it’s missing something,” Shelby finally said, shaking her head with a deep sigh. Toni raised an eyebrow and cocked her head to the side, not knowing where Shelby was going to go with this one.
After letting Toni sweat it out for a second longer, Shelby reached into the purse slung over her shoulder and pulled out a small, flat, brown paper bag. She quickly handed the bag to Toni, who pressed her mouth into a tight line and held her bewildered expression.
Toni opened the paper bag and slid out a green sticker with white font. Her eyebrows knitted together as she read the four large letters written across it and looked back up at Shelby, “MILF?” Toni read outloud.
Shelby’s lips were pulled together so tightly and she felt a laugh building in her throat, just waiting for Toni to piece it all together. Toni looked back down at the sicker again and noticed the small text written under the large acronym, embellished by a small cartoon frog. Toni barked out a laugh and threw her head back, now looking back at Shelby in disbelief. “ Man, I Love Frogs ? Are you kidding me, Shelby?”
It was true. Toni had spent so much of her childhood between the public library and anywhere in nature to keep herself busy. Naturally, with all of the streams, ponds, and the lake nearby, she had learned a whole lot about wildlife. Especially frogs. The interest never really waned, excelling in her high school science courses and now applying everything she’d learned into pursuing a biology degree. Shelby would tease her when they’d spend summer days at the lake in high school. While Shelby would sit on the hood of her car, soaking up as much sun as she could, Toni would wade through the shallow water to look for small critters zipping through the mud. Shelby would tease her friend and call her a frog kisser , but always found herself walking in the water alongside Toni.
Shelby finally burst into a laugh, unable to stand up straight as her body shook. “I saw it at a gas station in Wisconsin, I couldn’t stop myself. I had to buy it.”
Toni shooed Shelby out of her way as she circled her vehicle. “This needs to go on right now.” She quickly wiped a small spot on her bumper. Shelby cringed as she watched the dirt collect on the sleeve of Toni’s sweatshirt from the rush cleaning job. Toni pressed the sticker to the car with a firm slap to the bumper before she stepped back, hands on her hips and let out a satisfied sigh. “Perfect.”
Shelby grinned at Toni’s excitement, thrilled that her silly gift had garnered such a reaction. Toni finally looked back at Shelby before slinging an arm around her shoulders. “You’re an idiot.” Shelby’s heart raced but she leaned into Toni, wrapping her arms firmly around her waist and squeezed.
“Shut up. I missed you,” Shelby mumbled into Toni’s shoulder. Toni pulled both arms around Shelby’s shoulders and squeezed back, laughing again, before releasing from the embrace. Shelby went from hot to cold in an instant.
“Come on,” Toni said as she pulled her keys from her pocket and went to the driver’s side. “We have places to go, people to see, things to do.”
The place to go was the lake they always went to, it was just the two of them, and there wasn’t anything to do but talk like no time had gone by since the two girls had seen each other at the end of the summer. It was crisp outside, as Minnesota in November always was, and the lake was threatening to freeze at the edges while the late day sun cast long, melancholy shadows between the tall grass and pine trees. Their breath was coming out in puffs as they sat on the hood of Toni’s car, bearing the cold to enjoy the freshness.
Toni rubbed her hands together and blew into them, trying to give them a boost of warmth, before stuffing them back into her jacket. “So, what do you think of her?” she asked, nodding to the car under them.
Shelby patted the hood with a smile. “I love her. She’s a beaut. It’s about time you let a new lady into your life.”
Toni snorted and shook her head, looking back out to the water in front of them. “I am doing just fine with the ladies. Don’t you worry.”
Shelby turned her body to look at her and cocked an eyebrow. Toni had not once mentioned anyone in the stream of consciousness that they maintained over the phone. Shelby’s chest tightened up, trying to think of something light to say to try to coax some details from Toni without sounding upset. “Oh, yeah?” was what she decided on, voice only shaking slightly, mentally smacking herself for such a stupid response.
Turning from the lake to look at Shelby, Toni shook her head and a light chuckle escaped her. “Nah, nothing to report.” Shelby did her best not to exhale her sigh of relief too obviously, that tightness in her chest releasing. She felt a little selfish to be relieved to hear that Toni didn’t have any romantic prospects to divulge to her. She’d kept her feelings for Toni just under the surface for so long, it started to feel impossible to not be so obvious, backing down one too many times from doing or saying anything to risk losing Toni over an unreciprocated crush.
“Same,” Shelby confessed, sliding off the hood of the car, looking to quickly exit the topic. “It’s getting dark and I am exhausted from the drive. Know anyone that could give me a ride home?”
Toni followed Shelby off of the hood, bumping their shoulders together as they took one last look out at the lake. “Get in the car, nerd.”
In the car with the heat blasting from the vents, Shelby felt her time with Toni shrinking for the day. She really was tired from the drive, but now that she’d received a fix of Toni for the first time in months she wasn’t ready to be apart from her, even if it was only for a day until they were together at Fatin’s on Friday. Thinking quickly, Shelby fiddled with the ring on her right middle finger and looked over at Toni. “You could stay over, if you wanted.”
Shelby gulped at the thought of Toni in her bed and spun the thin gold band around her finger again. This wasn’t an unusual concept. The two of them easily had hundreds of sleepovers since they’d become friends. But Shelby was about to explode, edging towards combustion because she somehow needed Toni to be so far away from her for the sake of their friendship, but also needed to be so, so close to her for the sake of her sanity.
Toni turned down the dial on the radio slightly, Shelby not even noticing there had been music playing to begin with. “As much as I would love to see my gal Jobeth, I actually have to head to work,” Toni explained. “The night before Thanksgiving is one of the busiest nights of the year at the bar.” Shelby was equally relieved and disappointed by this.
“Your gal Jobeth was mad at you today,” Shelby said in a teasing tone and crossed her arms, feeling Toni reeling in the driver's seat as she went on. “She couldn’t believe you honked your horn to tell me you were here. No knock on the door, no flowers in hand for the Goodkind women. Not a good look for you, Antonia .”
Toni laughed and smacked her head lightly against her palm. “Wow, big miss on my end.”
The sun was nearly gone by the time Toni and Shelby rolled into the Goodkind driveway. Shelby could see the light of the TV flashing and a few other lights smattered on throughout the house, giving it this soft cozy glow. She tipped her head back against the headrest as she unbuckled her seatbelt.
“Tell Jobeth that I’m sorry for honking earlier,” Toni spoke, breaking the comfortable silence in the car. Shelby let a small smirk creep up her face and she looked over at Toni, just shaking her head in amusement. The cool light of the radio cast a gentle blue light on Toni’s face, contrasting the warmth of the light in the house in front of them. Toni smiled back and let her hands fall off the steering wheel and to her lap. “Glad we got to spend some time together today. Just the two of us, you know?”
Shelby nodded in agreement, struggling to come up with words for some reason. She was nervous. She felt tension in the air and she was certain she was creating it as she watched Toni in the seat next to her. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Toni gave her perplexed yet amused look. “What’s up, Bee?”
Reaching out to put her hand on the door handle, Shelby shook her head and shrugged, looking ahead at the house again. “Nothing, just tired,” she half lied, word vomit still threatening to come out, so she kept it brief. “I won’t keep you from work. I’ll see you Friday though?”
Toni nodded along, clearly not buying it but let it go. “Yeah, I’ll text you.”
Shelby fully gripped the door handle, the hum of the engine buzzing in the car, Toni still illuminated in that soft blue glow of the radio in her peripheral. Fuck it.
Pulling her hand from the door, exhaling a deep breath and hoping her nerves went with it, Shelby fully turned her body towards Toni. She tried to ignore the small expression of surprise on Toni’s face at her sudden movement. She ignored the little voice that said, Just use your words Shelby . She leaned over the center console of the vehicle, fully entering Toni’s space, and in one motion she connected her lips with Toni’s as she placed her hands on either side of her face.
A lot could have happened right after that split second decision. Toni could pull away. She could have told Shelby to get out of her car. Maybe she would just gently let her down and they could move on. Maybe a combination of these things. But no, none of these things happened.
There was no hesitation from the moment Shelby made contact with Toni, to Toni matching her energy. Toni’s hands went to Shelby’s wrists, kissing her back and pulling her closer. Shelby let out an unintentional sigh of relief into Toni’s mouth, earning a smile against her lips. The tension that Shelby was sure she built in her own head had snapped and she was there, kissing Toni in a way she had only imagined since she was 15. Shelby lightly threaded her fingers into soft wavy brown hair. Her head was filled with nothing but Toni; how soft and fluid and natural her lips felt against her own, the way she somehow tasted exactly how she smelled, the way she was sure Toni knew everything she was trying to say with this split second decision of a kiss. And it was good. Real good.
Toni tilted her head slightly and Shelby felt her tongue swipe so gently against their slotted lips. She practically melted on the spot, a little whimper falling from her mouth. Shelby wasn’t sure how much time had passed but she found herself slowly pulling back from Toni, exchanging a few small pecks as Toni rubbed the back of Shelby’s hands with her thumbs. Shelby finally pulled back enough to make eye contact with the girl in front of her. She found soft warm eyes smiling at her and she couldn’t help but smile back, quiet relief filling her body as Toni continued to reassuringly draw circles on her hands. Finally, Toni pressed a light kiss to Shelby’s palm, still resting on her face, and gently lowered their hands and let go of Shelby.
Shelby slid back into her seat, once again facing forward as straight as she could. She sensed Toni mirroring her posture in the driver’s seat. Without her permission, a laugh broke from Shelby and she covered her face. She couldn’t explain why it happened; be it the relief that Toni hadn’t shut her out, or the embarrassment of no longer being able to keep her hands to herself a second longer. Toni did the same, laughing along with her as Shelby finally found the courage to turn slightly and half meet her eyes.
Toni ran her hand over her mouth and nodded her head, still laughing. “Huh,” she mumbled pensively.
“Huh, what?” Shelby giggled back, feeling her cheeks redden, like Toni making some kind of a verbal acknowledgment to the situation made it all real.
Toni shook her head and smiled at Shelby through crinkled eyes. “Just huh. That’s it. Huh.”
“Alright then,” Shelby nodded and clapped her hands together. “Leaving for real this time. Have fun at work.” She opened the door and the cold air instantly filled the car and lightly stung her face, still flushed from what had just unfolded.
Shelby went to close the door behind her when a quick, “Hey, Shelby?” from inside the vehicle stopped her. She dipped her head slightly to look at Toni, still holding a smile inside of the car.
“Hey, Toni?” She echoed, bushing her wind blown hair from in front of her face.
“I can pick you up on Friday,” Toni offered and put her hands back on the steering wheel. Shelby simply nodded, accepting the ride and closed the door of the car. She walked toward the house, still hearing the hum of the vehicle behind her. Just as her fingers touched the handle to the door, her phone went off with a sharp ding. Quickly reaching into her pocket, she pulled it out and saw a notification for a message from Toni. Shelby looked back, and she could see Toni already starting to back out of the driveway, smiling softly, uncurling three fingers from the top of her steering wheel as a quick wave in Shelby’s direction. Shelby returned the smile even though she knew Toni couldn’t see it, and unlocked her phone to read the message.
Toni Shalifoe : Sleep tight Bee
It was soft, simple, and somehow felt fully loaded. The words made Shelby’s stomach flutter, still smiling, and she looked back to the road where she could see Toni’s car lights disappearing in the distance. Shelby tucked her lips into her mouth, trying everything in her power to contain the stupid look on her face before tucking her phone back into her pocket and heading into the house.
The moment Shelby opened her eyes on Thanksgiving morning, she could feel her body buzz as her brain snapped to the passenger seat of Toni’s car. Warm lips, shaky breaths, the kiss left on the palm of her hand. She was happy to be home with her family; to be able to hug her grandparents for the first time in months, to tease her little brother about how much he hadn’t grown, to help her little sister pick out exactly what to wear to dinner. But Shelby’s mind did not leave that seat throughout the day no matter how hard she tried.
Shelby couldn’t help but feel like a switch had been flipped, and in doing so had changed the course of the world in which she thought she had a moderate grip. It wasn’t like anything really had changed since her feelings finally bubbled over and she kissed Toni. They had exchanged a few short messages since they parted ways, wishing each other a nice holiday, exchanging pictures of the desserts the other would be most jealous of, maybe something funny that made them think of the other. No matter how status quo things seemed, Shelby had this hot, sticky feeling in her chest that what was happening was something they’d never done before.
Friday night had taken far too long to come and Shelby was becoming dizzied by the buzz that she woke up with just the day before. Looking at herself in the mirror on her bedroom wall, she pressed a finger to the corner of her mouth, straightening the line of her maroon lipstick. She gave herself a final once-over. She’d spent far too long making her hair look effortlessly wavy, pinning back just the front. Shelby had brought a handful of options from her dorm back in Indiana, but nothing seemed to feel right. With the contents of her closet now emptied on her floor, she’d landed on a cream knit cardigan, buttoned all the way up to the last button at the center of her breastbone, tucked just so into the front of an olive green corduroy skirt. She wasn’t totally sold on it, but it would have to do. Toni would be picking her up any minute to head over to Fatin’s.
As soon as the thought of Toni’s impending arrival entered her head, the doorbell rang. Shelby paused for half a second before practically running out of her room and bounding down the stairs, yelling, “I’ll get it!”
Shelby reached the landing of the stairs and caught a bewildered expression on her mom's face from the kitchen. Shelby offered an unapologetic shrug in her direction before hastily opening the front door.
A surprised Toni stood on the Goodkind front porch, holding a bouquet of flowers in a seasonally appropriate color palette. Toni and Shelby stared at each other with wide eyes, silently acknowledging how ridiculous the situation at that exact second was, not even considering everything that transpired nearly 48 hours prior. They both opened their mouths to speak at the same time and stopped as soon as they saw the other mirroring the action.
Toni took initiative and looked at her somewhat pleadingly. “You told me that I should ring the doorbell instead of honking.” Shelby finally softened a touch and laughed, nodding her head.
“I guess I did say that,” Shelby agreed, her eyes dropping to the flowers in Toni’s hands. “You know I was joking right. And the flo-”
Toni quickly cut her off. “They’re for your mom.”
Shelby dramatically rolled her shoulders back and cocked her head to the side in confusion. “Toni, why…” She was cut off by her mom approaching her, pulling the door open further to see the guest on their front porch.
“Toni, my favorite bartender, what are you doing ringing the front door?” Jobeth teased lightly, eying up both of the girls with raised eyebrows. “I half expect to already find you on my living room couch before I even know you’ve let yourself in.” It was true. Toni had a reputation for making herself at home at Shelby’s house. Jobeth gave Toni a hard time, but they all knew she loved seeing the girls so comfortable in her house.
“These are for you,” Toni said quickly, thrusting the flowers toward Jobeth. Shelby was reeling, watching the interaction unfold in front of her.
Shelby’s mom laughed excitedly and accepted them. “Toni, these are just the sweetest. You really shouldn’t…”
Once again, Toni spoke quickly. “They were from the restaurant,” she said and knitted her hands together in front of her. Toni rocked back on the heels of her sneakers while nodding her head. “The restaurant next to the bar was going to throw them away after the holiday and I was over there to pick something up for my boss and I told them that I would take them.”
“Toni, sweetie, please learn about lying by omission.” Jobeth chuckled with a roll of her eyes and stepped back to look at Shelby once again. “Baby, you look great.”
Shelby smoothed out the front of her sweater and skirt – like it needed it – and started pulling on the brown leather Blunstone boots that she’d left by the door. “Thanks, mama. I’ll probably just sleep at Fatin’s tonight.”
Jobeth nodded, “That’s fine, baby, just be safe and call me if you need me.” She smiled knowingly at her daughter as she finally stood up straight again. “You smell nice. Are you wearing perfume? Is that new?”
Shelby quickly grabbed her coat and waved off her mom. “Mama, stop, it’s the one I always wear. I’ll talk to you later.” She hurried out, grabbing Toni by the sleeve of her jacket and pulling her down the stairs with her in her haste to exit the conversation.
“Bye, girls, have fun!” Shelby’s mom called from the steps, shutting the door after them. Shelby let go of Toni’s sleeve to tug on her own jacket and circled the car that she’d recently been familiarized with. She opened the door and practically flopped into the seat, keeping her eyes ahead as Toni opened the driver’s side and sat down.
Toni turned on the car, still warm from her drive over, and peered over at Shelby. Shelby let her eyes drift over to Toni, waiting for her to speak first. A small, mischievous, smile cracked across Toni’s face. “She’s right. You do smell nice. Special occasion?”
“Oh my god, please just drive, Antonia,” Shelby begged, covering her eyes with her hand. She had no reason to be embarrassed by any angle of the interaction that had just happened, yet she couldn’t keep herself from blushing.
Toni let out a hoarse laugh and nodded her head, putting the car in reverse. “Yeah, yeah. That’s what I thought.”
The party was already in full swing by the time Shelby and Toni pulled into the driveway, shielded by a long line of mature pine trees and opening to an expansive and tastefully landscaped property. The Jadmanis, Fatin’s family, had money, to say the least. Their house was a stunning modernized 70’s split level built into a hillside looking over the Hopewell Lake.
Fatin’s parents were spending the weekend at a friend’s lodge in Canada and had shipped off the two younger Jadmanis to the grandparents, leaving the house to Fatin. As a 19 year old with a semester of college under their belt, hosting a party at their parent’s home is pretty predictable. There was plenty of cheap beer, bottom shelf booze, a mix of old and new friends, all topped with a touch of everyone having more to drink than they probably needed. Shelby knew she’d missed her friends while they were scattered around the country, but was amazed by how much a beer in hand and finally seeing said friends could magnify that feeling.
Shelby and Toni had split off once they had arrived together. It wasn’t an intentional move on her part, as far as Shelby could tell, but she tried not to think too much about that. The drive to the party was uneventful, just short enough to not have any real conversation of substance. Shelby found herself sitting on the counter in Fatin’s kitchen, an arm resting across Dot’s shoulders, watching Fatin prepare a shot for them all on the island.
“I hope those Notre Dame jocks have taught you how to do a shot because your last showing was a bit embarrassing, babe,” Fatin said sharply, a harmless smile padding her words.
Dot took a sip of her beer and looked up at Shelby. “You’re doing great sweetie, don’t let the lady in the leopard bully you like that.”
Fatin looked down at the leopard print knitted sweater she was wearing before sending a middle finger in the direction of Shelby and Dot, the two now laughing at her expense. Leah, who Shelby had finally met in person for the first time that day, bit her lip to keep herself from laughing as well.
“Thank you, Dottie. I know I can always count on you to defend my honor,” Shelby said between laughs.
She and Dot had a unique friendship, formed back in Texas more than a decade ago. The two had gone to school together and spent many summers playing soccer, while Dot’s dad coached them. Dot’s dad had a health scare while they were in middle school, a frightening experience for Dot because he was all she had at home. Fortunately, he’d made a full recovery and ended up marrying one of the nurses who’d helped him along the way. Dot, her dad, and her stepmom moved to Minnesota for her dad’s job. Just a couple of years later, Shelby and her family ironically ended up in the same town. Dot ensured Shelby was rapidly absorbed into her friend group; that very same group of friends who now filled the kitchen that they stood in.
Fatin approached Shelby and Dot, two shot glasses between her fingers. She passed them off to the two and waved Leah over, who was already on her way with two additional glasses of the gold liquid. Fatin took a glass back into her own hands and raised it between the four of them. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, like she was focusing, before opening her eyes again with a coy smile. “Here’s to courage. Here’s to honor. If you can’t…”
“Nope!” Dot loudly interrupted. “Drink up, bitches.”
They lightly tapped their glasses together before each knocking them back. Shelby winced and shook her head. “That might be the worst tequila I’ve ever had,” she announced. Dot lifted her beer, offering it to Shelby, wincing a little bit herself at the taste of the liquor. Shelby accepted the can and took a big sip, instantly regretting it as she swiftly handed it back to Dot.
“And that might be the worst beer I’ve ever had. I thought you said it was like water,” Shelby complained, sticking her tongue out in disgust.
Dot shrugged, wiping off the smudge of maroon lipstick that Shelby left on the lip of the can like it was second nature, and took a sip. “Natty Light is pretty good water to me.”
Leah and Fatin laughed at the exchange in front of them, Fatin’s arm loosely around Leah’s waist with a finger through a belt loop. If Shelby wasn’t distracted by the taste of cheap alcohol in her mouth, she would have tried to embarrass Fatin for the polite PDA she was witnessing. Fatin had shipped off to Berklee with the intention of having as much “rowdy sex” with “as many people” as possible. She’d met Leah on the first day of orientation and those intentions swiftly pivoted.
A new crowd of people entered through the front door, clear in their line of sight in the open concept of the house, and Fatin unceremoniously exited the conversation to greet them. Dot and Leah struck up a conversation and Shelby hopped off the counter to grab something to drink.
Shelby opened the fridge, inspecting it for something other than the two beverages she’d just consumed in quick succession. There was music playing at a comfortable level throughout the house and you could hear casual chatter, accompanied by the occasional cheer from the basement where the Reids had no doubt started a pong game.
“I hear you take shots like a high schooler,” a familiar voice announced, suddenly standing close to her. Shelby’s eyes instinctively rolled as turned to look at Toni, a red cup in hand, and a playful smile on her face. Shelby eyed Toni, faltering for just a second when she realized she was wearing the Notre Dame sweatshirt that she’d had bought for her when she made her decision to go there. Shelby hadn’t realized she had it on under her coat on the drive to the party.
“You’re wearing the shirt I got you,” Shelby stated, ignoring the original dig from Toni.
Toni pulled on the front of her sweatshirt and nodded, looking down. “It’s my favorite. You would have seen it if you didn’t run from me as soon as we got here.”
Shelby rolled her eyes for a second time in the last minute and snatched the cup from Toni’s hands, taking a sip. It was much better than anything else she’d drank so far that night. It was light, and kind of fruity and fizzy. She took one more sip for good measure before handing it back to Toni. “I did not run from you. I simply wanted to see our friends.”
Toni rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest as she leaned against the counter. “Oh, sure. That explains why Rachel, Nora, and Marty didn’t even know you were here.”
Shelby felt a little bit bad about that one. She really hadn’t been avoiding Toni, let alone the twins. She wanted to give Toni some space. Space that was now clearly not wanted by the other party.
Shelby took Toni’s drink one more time, making Toni let out a fake scoff of annoyance. Peering over the cup, her lips just hovering above the rim. “If you make me one of these, I’ll stop running from you.”
Toni reached across and took the cup back from Shelby and smiled. “Deal. And thank you for admitting that you were running from me.”
The party carried on without incident. It was that point in the night where everyone settled into their own activities while comfortably drunk. People were scattered around the house, catching up and playing drinking games. Fatin had fired up a karaoke machine in the living room and was putting on a one woman act, seemingly just for Dot who was sitting by patiently. Shelby hovered in the kitchen still, nursing her drink while she partially listened to Nora and Leah spiral over the plot of a favorite book that they’d discovered they shared.
Shelby’s eyes caught Toni coming upstairs from the basement and heading toward the front door. Shelby was confused for a moment before she noticed the lighter in Toni’s hands as she slipped out the door without anyone paying her a glance. Shelby waited a couple minutes, debating what to do, before quietly following the same path Toni took out the door.
The cool air of the night was refreshing as it hit Shelby’s face. She hadn’t realized how warm she’d become, either from the number of people in the house or maybe the booze. She looked around, reorienting herself in the darkness, and headed towards the direction of Toni’s car down the long driveway. It was parked around the side of the house, tucked under some trees. Just a couple of other cars were parked nearby. Shelby spotted Toni, cigarette in hand, leaning against the driver’s side door of her car in a small cloud of smoke as she exhaled.
Toni noticed her right away and took another hit of her cigarette, the orange glow at the end giving her face the slightest illumination. “First you run from me, now you’re following me. What’s up with that?” she asked as she exhaled again. “Unless you’re coming to tell me that you’re up next on karaoke to do a reboot of your Brown Eyed Girl cover.”
The karaoke machine had become a staple in their friend group during their senior year of high school. The Jadmanis threw a Christmas party and the “kids” were banished to the basement, accompanied by a smuggled bottle of peppermint schnapps. Everyone had been sticking to the Christmas classics, until Shelby’s last shot of the night was followed by a very special rendition of Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl , dedicated to Toni.
Shelby ignored Toni’s verbal elbow to the ribs over that one and approached her, rubbing her hands together as the crispness of the night finally settled over her. “I thought you were ditching me.”
Toni shook her head and with a serious look. “I’m not that drunk, but I certainly shouldn’t be driving.”
Shelby finally stopped just short of Toni and crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you smoke often now?” She quickly uncrossed her arms and softened her expression. She felt like she was chastising Toni with that question.
Over the summer, they’d all dabbled in sharing a menthol or two. It was a silly, ritualistic impulse from one too many late nights at the lake. They only did it because they were 18 and they could. If someone had brought a few beers into the mix, the chances of a pack of cigarettes disappearing over an evening was nearly a given. But with the cold weather and the party going on inside, Shelby was surprised to find Toni partaking on her own.
Toni ashed the cigarette between her fingers and shrugged her shoulders. “Not really, just when I drink, I guess.” She paused and took another drag. “It’s a nice excuse to step away from everyone for a minute.”
“But not me right?” Shelby corrected. She shivered slightly, not sure if it was because of the air around her or the look that Toni sent her way in response to that question.
Toni wordlessly extended the half smoked cigarette to Shelby. Toni knew Shelby would never smoke one on her own. Shelby accepted it and let out a little cough as soon as the smoke touched her lungs. She hadn’t smoked since the end of the summer. Her eyes watered slightly as she began to pass it back to Toni, still able to make out the smirk on her lips in the darkness. The look on Toni’s face made Shelby’s body ache from her throat to her toes. It made Shelby stop in her tracks.
It was happening again. Everything was threatening to bubble over. Shelby had never felt as bold in her whole life as she had felt in the last two days. Fuck it.
The cigarette never completed its journey to settle back between Toni’s fingers. No. Shelby silently dropped it to the worn concrete driveway under her feet and stamped it out under her boot.
“Shelby, what are you–” Toni was cut off as Shelby quickly closed the small gap between them and firmly connected their lips for the second time. Shelby felt a small rush of air from Toni’s mouth as she pressed her harder against the vehicle, one hand bunching into the front of the Notre Dame sweatshirt, the other firmly threading around Toni’s jaw and into the loose waves at the base of her neck. Just like the first kiss they shared, there was no hesitation. But it felt different this time.
Shelby felt Toni’s hands landing on her sides, aiding in her conquest to get Toni as close as possible with a squeeze to Shelby’s hips to pull their bodies flush. Hips connected around the same time tongues did, a quiet moan from Shelby’s throat broke the silence of the night around them. Everything tasted like a fresh menthol cigarette and fruity booze, but most of all it tasted like Toni, and Shelby wanted to waste away in it.
Shelby was so hot she almost wanted to be embarrassed by it. The way the feeling of want washed over her belly with every movement of Toni’s lips and brush of her tongue. Instead of embarrassment, though, her boldness was building. Shelby didn’t want to just use her words, like the little voice in her head tried to suggest the first time they kissed. No, the words were gone, and they weren’t quite right. The words loosely rumbling in Shelby’s head would never convey every feeling she’d had kept inside, under the surface for years. Shelby wanted to show Toni.
Shelby’s grip at the front of Toni’s sweatshirt loosened, and as her hand dropped down the center of Toni’s chest, she felt her gasp. She reached the bottom of the sweatshirt and she slipped her fingers onto the warm smooth skin under it as she placed kisses down the side of Toni’s face, across her jaw, and finally, on her neck. Shelby heard Toni release a sigh just as her teeth lightly scraped the column of her throat. Shelby marveled at the feeling of Toni’s skin, fingers splayed wide across the unexplored territory that had been living under her clothes all this time.
The temperature of the November air around them rose by several degrees the moment that Shelby felt Toni widen her stance and slot her thigh between Shelby’s legs. Shelby didn’t miss a beat, pulling Toni closer so their centers each found solid contact against each other’s thighs. Shelby rolled her hips experimentally, working her mouth back up to Toni’s lips.
“Fuck,” Toni mumbled, her hips enthusiastically meeting Shelby’s tentative movements just before their mouths reconnected in a searing, messy kiss. If Shelby was being honest, she wanted to flatten Toni against the hood of the car, but that felt impractical. With Toni’s thigh providing friction exactly where she needed it, she was feeling even bolder than she had been when she first pressed Toni against the side of the car.
Giving Toni’s lip a small nip, followed by a soothing suck, Shelby pulled their lips apart just enough to speak. “Is your car open?”
“What?” Toni asked, their lips brushing with her breathless words. Shelby fought hard not to chase Toni’s mouth with her own instead of pushing the question.
“Your car. Are the doors unlocked?” Shelby clarified. Toni nodded her head quickly. Shelby didn’t waste another second and removed herself from the front of Toni, her body instantly missing the heat and friction from the contact. Once again, she grabbed Toni by the sweatshirt and practically dragged her towards the back of the car. Quickly opening the door, Toni’s grin was all of the confirmation that Shelby needed as she pushed her backwards onto the seat.
Toni scrambled to sit up as Shelby followed her into the backseat, pulling the door shut behind her. Shelby slid overtop of Toni, her knees bracketing her lap as her arms circled Toni’s shoulders, hands lightly playing with the hair resting there. The car had a chill to it after hours of sitting idle, not that either of them noticed. Everything was much more quiet now; no sounds of the party happening inside of the house, no leaves rolling across the driveway, just heavy breaths exchanged from a few inches apart.
Shelby’s boldness waned momentarily and she reached out to gently brush Toni’s hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. None of this felt uncomfortable or awkward or unnatural. It was like this moment was the logical next step in the progression of their shared lives.
“Is this okay?” Shelby questioned quietly as she rested a hand on the side of Toni’s face, once again. Her fingers traced the sharp jaw under them.
Toni’s response was an arm around Shelby’s waist and a hand knitting into blonde waves to pull her into another scorching kiss. Shelby groaned and accepted that response, smiling against Toni’s mouth while her tongue ran across her bottom lip. Toni’s hands dropped low on Shelby’s waist and drew her closer. Heat pooled in Shelby’s stomach as she leaned into the invitation, once again rolling her lower body into Toni. Shelby’s skirt was hiked up her thighs from the position they were in and the front of Toni’s jeans gave Shelby full contact where she needed it.
Shelby dropped her head back at the feeling of that first movement against Toni and she exhaled with closed eyes. She felt Toni’s lips connect with her neck for the first time, eliciting a more intentional thrust of her hips against Toni and a quiet moan.
“Good?” Toni whispered against Shelby’s neck, goosebumps instantly spreading down Shelby’s throat and into her chest, disappearing into her sweater despite the heat they’d generated in the car.
“Real good,” Shelby whispered back, eyes still closed but a smile playing on her lips. Toni sucked lightly where Shelby’s jaw met her throat. Shelby felt Toni’s hands drop lower on her body, tentatively kneading her ass and encouraging her to continue her movements. Shelby needed her lips back on Toni’s, craving the way that her mouth felt and tasted. She brought her hands to Toni’s neck and detached her mouth from her collarbone, bringing their mouths together as she ground down on Toni’s lap. Toni’s tongue slipped against Shelby’s as she pressed their bodies into the seat of the car. Shelby found herself chasing friction from Toni’s jeans against her clit through her underwear.
This was all a new experience for Shelby, and she was fairly certain it was just as new to Toni. Shelby pulled back once again, her eyes hooded as she noted the windows starting to steam around them. Toni met her gaze, eyes darkened, while never letting up from the way she guided Shelby’s body firmly into hers. Shelby dipped her head as she felt herself reaching a breaking point that she didn’t think she’d approach at the beginning of the evening. She pressed her forehead to Toni’s. “Toni, I think I’m gonna…”
Toni cut her off with the nod of her head and a sloppy kiss before whispering against Shelby’s mouth, “You can keep going. I want you to.”
That was all of the assurance Shelby needed. One. Two. Three rolls of her body, spurred on by the pull of Toni’s hands, and Shelby tipped her head back with a breathy sigh as she came. Her body pulsed around nothing as she slowed her movements, Toni’s hands now rubbing up and down her back. Shelby was almost scared to look at Toni, keeping her eyes shut tightly, until she felt warm kisses across her chin. Shelby instantly relaxed against Toni, wrapping her arms around her neck and finding Toni’s lips for a firm kiss. Shelby could feel Toni beaming as she kissed her back. That almost fear was far gone from Shelby’s mind, and she was nowhere near ready to return to reality outside of the backseat of Toni’s car.
Shelby pulled away from Toni, her lungs screaming for air, the need for oxygen winning in the fight against Shelby’s mind and body screaming for Toni’s tongue in her mouth. The two stared at each other with heaving chests and heavy eyes. Toni’s hands hadn’t stopped moving against Shelby’s back and sides and Shelby could feel the neat tuck of her sweater was long gone from the waistband of her skirt.
Fear returned to Shelby’s mind as she looked down at Toni, her lips slightly parted and swollen from the force of their kisses. It wasn’t the fear of ruining a friendship or getting caught in the back of that car. It was the fear that it could all end far too soon. It was the fear that maybe this could or would be Shelby’s only chance of having Toni in this way. That kind of fear is strange, because as Shelby reached to the front of her cardigan and began to slowly pop each button, she wasn’t sure if she was running away from the fear or right into it.
Shelby felt her fingers joined by Toni’s on the buttons of the sweater, the two working in conjunction to unbutton it. Fully undone, the material dropped to her sides, and Shelby could feel Toni’s eyes on the nude bra she’d worn under her sweater. She instantly blushed at the functional choice of undergarments.
“Sorry, I realize now that this isn’t particularly sexy,” Shelby confessed. “I hadn’t planned this far ahead, truthfully, I just wanted something that wouldn’t show through this light colored sweater.”
Toni stopped her rant with a kiss and a warm laugh against her lips. “Shut the fuck up, Shelby.”
Toni’s hands climbed up Shelby’s slides, landing on her ribcage. “Can I touch you?” Toni mumbled quietly into Shelby’s mouth. Shelby wordlessly nodded and took Toni’s hands into her own to guide them to her breasts. They both stiffened with a breath caught in their throats at the touch. Toni licked into Shelby’s mouth as her hands gently felt the weight of Shelby’s breasts in them, thumbs rubbing across stiffened nipples under the fabric. Toni pulled her mouth from Shelby’s lips to leave almost chaste kisses across the top of Shelby’s chest, punctuated by a nip to the material of Shelby’s bra. Shelby’s eyes snapped shut when Toni’s lips landed right where her bra began, sucking what Shelby could only assume would become a dark bruise just out of sight. The worst part, Shelby thought, is how badly she wanted that mark from Toni.
“Shelby, you’re so bea–” Toni began to mumble into Shelby’s chest with a sigh but was swiftly interrupted. Shelby pulled her mouth back to hers for a brief kiss.
“Please, don’t finish that sentence,” Shelby pleaded, still smiling gently at Toni. As if their actions leading up to this moment weren’t enough of one, what was about to leave Toni’s lips felt like too much of a confession for the moment. Toni frowned apologetically and Shelby felt a pang of guilt for stopping her. Searching for a way to bring them back into the bubble they had been in for God knows how long, Shelby’s hands reached for the bottom hem of the oversized sweatshirt Toni was wearing. She planted a few wet kisses against her neck, enjoying the way Toni’s breath hitched with each one.
“Can I take this off?” Shelby asked, pausing her kisses for just a second. Toni nodded her head eagerly, reaching to remove it herself. In her rushed movements, she fought to get the sweatshirt over her head and she let out a deep belly laugh. Shelby laughed along with her and helped pull the garment from around Toni’s head. Moments like this throughout the night might have made Shelby want Toni as much as any touch had. Finally free from the shirt, Toni tossed it to the side and the two took another deep breath, somehow in unison.
Shelby’s eyes dropped to the bra covering Toni’s chest and she bit back a comment about her being well dressed for the occasion. The car was too dark to make out the exact color of Toni’s bra, but she was certain it was more appealing than what she was wearing. Shelby placed her hands on Toni’s shoulders, still sitting in her lap, and kissed her sweetly. Toni’s mouth felt so familiar and grounding each time Shelby felt her nerves creep up. Breaking the kiss, Shelby glanced down at Toni’s chest for a brief moment. Even in the darkness of the car, Shelby’s body ached and she could feel her mouth practically watering at the sight of Toni’s smooth, lightly toned skin alone. It wasn’t like she had never seen Toni in any state of undress before, but their position and proximity sent Shelby’s heart rate to another level.
Shelby was at a loss for words and sought Toni’s eyes again for some kind of confirmation that she could proceed. Toni simply ran her hands across the tops of Shelby’s thighs on either side of her lap, drawing a subtle, unintentional grind from Shelby’s hips. Shelby let out a whimper at the feeling and shot Toni a warning look. “Hands to yourself for a minute so I can think straight.” She didn’t wait for Toni to argue with her and leaned forward to attach her lips to Toni’s at the same time her hands found her chest.
Toni’s mouth parted slightly, panting into Shelby’s as she gently palmed her breasts. Shelby smiled against Toni’s semi stilled lips and slipped her fingers up the underside of Toni’s bra to softly brush against her nipples. Shelby groaned at the feeling of Toni’s skin under her hands and felt Toni starting to squirm under her, struggling to keep up with her kisses. She could have done just this for hours. Shelby felt her heart beat in her ears, knowing exactly what she wanted to do next. She slid her right hand out from under Toni’s bra, down her abdomen, and slowly scraped her nails across the skin between Toni’s navel and the button of her jeans. Shelby felt Toni’s stomach contorting as small goosebumps scattered under her fingers and she pulled away from their kiss.
“Toni, can I touch you?” Shelby questioned, quiet but confident, punctuated with a small tug to the waistband Toni’s pants.
Toni’s chest was rising and falling rapidly and Shelby could see her struggling to keep her eyes open, their activities clearly catching up to her. Toni quickly nodded her head. “Please,” she practically begged with a smile and a laugh before her face hardened just a tone. “Only if you’re sure, though.”
Shelby didn’t need to ask any further questions or put too much thought into the situation. She knew this was all happening fast but couldn’t bring herself to slow it down. She unclasped the button of Toni’s jeans, feeling the soft yet sturdy material of the denim under her fingertips, before sliding down the zipper. Shelby could feel Toni practically vibrating with anticipation under her and she was certain Toni could feel the same of her from above. Toni lifted her hips slightly to allow Shelby to tug her jeans down over her hips a little more to give her some space to work.
It was somewhat comical to have such a monumental moment in their short lives unfold together in the backseat of Toni’s car, but Shelby’s mind was far too cloudy to dwell on the weight of what was happening. With just enough space between her and Toni, Shelby slid her hand into the front of Toni’s pants and into her underwear.
Toni’s head dropped forward into the crook of Shelby's neck with a soft groan the moment that Shelby’s fingers slid into her slit for the first time. Shelby couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped her own mouth, feeling how wet and hot Toni was. She slid her fingers up and down experimentally, not only trying to get a feel for the mechanics of the angle, but just to bask in how good Toni felt. The position was a little awkward to begin with, on top of never touching another person like this before, but Shelby easily found Toni’s clit with the pad of her middle finger. Toni gasped against Shelby’s throat, confirming that she had done something right.
Shelby sighed as she started to circle Toni’s clit with her fingertips, mirroring what she had done just a second before to attempt to replicate Toni’s reaction. She couldn’t stop herself from whispering in Toni’s ear, “You feel so good.” Her words earned her a low whine from Toni and the sound sent a wave of heat crashing in Shelby’s stomach. She could feel Toni’s hips slowly moving against her hand as a second confirmation that Shelby’s actions were working for her.
Shelby pulled her hand from where it had been stuffed in the underside of Toni’s bra and moved it to the side of Toni’s face, drawing their mouths together. Toni’s head leaned back against the headrest and Shelby chased her lips, pulling Toni’s bottom lip between hers. She felt Toni’s kisses slowing as she continued her movements in Toni’s pants, her breath coming out in warm puffs against Shelby’s mouth. Toni hadn’t formed a proper word in several minutes but her movements against Shelby’s hand and breathy sounds falling from her throat seemed to communicate how she was feeling. But Shelby wanted to be certain.
“Does this feel okay?” Shelby asked between kisses in the darkness of the car, pulling away to try to read Toni’s face. “We can try something else.”
Toni rapidly shook her head and her jaw went somewhat slack, looking like she was trying to collect words from the corners of her mind. “Don’t fucking stop, Shelby.” Shelby’s confidence rose at those raspy, desire filled words. She doubled her efforts on Toni’s clit for only a few seconds more before Toni fully tensed with a stifled moan. Shelby kept her fingers steady, nearly falling apart on her own at the feeling of Toni throbbing beneath her fingers, and sloppily kissed Toni’s open and unmoving mouth. Toni slowly relaxed her body as Shelby eased up her movements, gradually and reluctantly removing her hand from Toni’s pants.
Shelby stopped kissing Toni’s lips, leaving a few pecks across her chin and jaw before fully leaning back to look at Toni. Toni’s head was tilted back, hair in slight disarray from rubbing on the seat under it, and a lazy smile on her lips. Shelby watched as Toni removed her hands from Shelby’s thighs, not even realizing they’d been gripping there so tightly, before placing her hands over her own eyes.
“What the fuck, Shelby,” Toni groaned with a husky laugh, removing one hand from an eye to peek at Shelby. Shelby laughed with Toni and planted a lingering kiss on her cheek as she pulled Toni’s hands from her face.
“Was it okay?” Shelby questioned. She assumed the answer, but she was always one for critical feedback.
Toni furrowed her brows at Shelby and huffed, “Are you kidding me? Have you been practicing for that or something?” She asked, shaking her head. “Of course it was good. That was, like, so fast it was almost embarrassing.”
Shelby blushed and squeezed Toni’s hands. “The only practice I got in has been years of solo work.” She hesitated for a second but figured there was no shame in holding back at this rate, “You don’t need to be embarrassed though. I literally got off on your lap. It might have been a land speed record, truthfully.”
Shelby felt Toni tense and the energy in the car quickly shifted back to the hot and heavy feeling in the air from a few minutes ago. She had no grasp of how long they had been in the car or if their friends were looking for them. Shamelessly, Shelby wasn’t ready to be done yet and the look on Toni’s face told her she wasn’t either.
Shelby surged towards Toni, lacing her fingers into her hair as she connected their mouths once again. It wasn’t like their kisses up until now had been tame, but this kiss was somehow even less so. It was greedy and deeply messy with tongues fighting and teeth clacking. Shelby somehow had enough capacity in her brain at that second to make a mental note to check Toni for lipstick marks before they went back into the party.
Toni’s hands were back at Shelby’s thighs, massaging them deeply with her thumbs as they slid further up. Shelby roughly bit Toni’s bottom lip and placed her hands on top of Toni’s, ushering them further up her thighs. Toni’s fingertips reached under Shelby’s skirt. Sheby’s stomach tugged in the best way at the feeling of Toni’s hands to close to where she wanted her.
“You can keep going,” Shelby assured, arching her hips slightly to try to emphasize the way she was feeling. Just a few minutes prior, Shelby had been so focused on the way Toni felt, the sounds she was making as Shelby touched her, and the way she fell apart because of what Shelby had done to her. With Toni’s fingers inching up between Shelby’s legs, Shelby was acutely aware of just how pathetically turned on she was. There was no doubt Toni was about to feel the wetness that had been pooling in Shelby’s underwear since they stood outside of the car, sharing a cigarette.
Toni kissed Shelby hard on the mouth, one of her hands slipping out from under the green corduroy skirt and onto Shelby’s lower back, the other now meeting the edge of Shelby’s underwear. Shelby was certain she was going to combust the moment that Toni actually touched her with the way her heart lurched inside of her chest at the feeling of Toni’s fingers lightly brushing against her.
Shelby detached her lips from Toni’s and pressed their foreheads together. Panting and on sensory overload from Toni, Shelby licked her lips. “Please, keep going.” She wondered if she would be this obvious if this was happening with anyone but Toni.
As soon as the pleading request left her mouth, Shelby could sense hesitance from Toni. Shelby was worried she’d pushed too hard and too fast and Toni was having second thoughts. Trying to course correct without making Toni feel uncomfortable, Shelby leaned back slightly to look Toni in the eyes in an attempt to read them. “If you want to, obviously,” Shelby corrected herself.
Toni pulled Shelby close again, Shelby felt her whole body relax and her mind go back to the beautifully numb feeling she’d been reveling in as Toni ducked her head down to plant open mouthed kisses across the top of her breasts.
“Of course I want to,” Toni mumbled into Shelby’s skin, making Shelby grasp brown locks and pull her closer into her chest. She secretly hoped that maybe Toni would leave another mark while she was down there. But Shelby could tell Toni had more to say and lightly twisted her fingers into her waves, partially trying to urge her to keep touching her and partially wanting her to say what was on her mind.
Toni eased up her kisses and met Shelby’s eyes again, the fingers still under Shelby’s skirt now toying at the fabric at the curve of her hip. “Should I take them off?”
Shelby was blown away by that question, not expecting something so tactical, and looked around her. The logistics of their position did not lend themselves to a quick underwear exit. Eyeing her thick leather boots, Shelby pictured herself trying to pull down her underwear and somehow getting them caught around her ankles. She was fairly certain that maneuver would end in either Toni with a black eye from a knee to the face or she would find herself falling backwards between the center console of the car. Neither option was ideal.
Snapping herself back to the question at hand instead of the theoreticals of an underwear removal gone wrong. Shelby moved her hands to either side of Toni’s face. “You could just move them to the side, if that's easy,” she suggested, trying to gulp down some air. It felt a little lewd but Shelby was beyond caring. Toni closed the gap between their lips for them and Shelby felt herself melting against her as two fingers hooked around her soaked underwear and slid into her.
Shelby thought that her nerve endings were on fire with Toni’s kisses alone. Nothing prepared her for the way that her scalp tingled, the rush of heat that ran across her face and down her chest, or the delicious burning sensation that pricked her feet from the heels to her toes when Toni finally touched her. Toni was swallowing the moans that Shelby had been involuntarily spewing every time her fingers caught her clit at just the right angle, capturing her panting breaths in her mouth.
Squeezing her eyes shut as tightly as she could, Shelby was trying to savor everything that Toni was making her feel, but she needed more . She was kissing Toni like it was a lifeline and committing every touch to memory. She felt greedy. She felt so close to Toni but somehow still not close enough.
“Lower,” Shelby breathed against Toni’s lips, not even recognizing the sound of her own voice anymore. Toni nodded, biting Shelby’s bottom lip and releasing it before attaching her mouth to Shelby’s neck.
Toni’s teeth scraped Shelby’s throat, coaxing yet another groan from her. Shelby could sense Toni was looking at her when she felt the absence of her lips on her, but she couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes, instead rolling her hips against Toni’s hand.
Lips were suddenly at Shelby’s ear. “In?” Toni asked, her voice was rough but somehow still so earnest and gentle. It made Shelby wetter, if that was even possible.
“Please, god,” Shelby whispered and wrapped her arms tightly around Toni’s shoulders. There was nothing stopping the whimper of relief that Shelby let out the moment Toni gently entered her with a finger. Shelby fell forward slightly, lifting her hips to meet the next experimental thrusts of Toni’s fingers. Their eyes met, glossy and hooded, before they rejoined their mouths bruisingly.
Shelby knew the end was very near and she knew Toni could tell as well, her muscles beginning to involuntarily clench around her fingers. Every slow pump from Toni was accented by her palm brushing against Shelby’s clit. Shelby wasn’t sure if that move was intentional or just good luck, but she didn’t spend too much time on that thought.
No, that thought was effectively squashed by an orgasm rippling from the top of Shelby’s head and the tips of her toes, meeting in the middle where Toni was coaxing her body. Shelby’s neck rolled back, the same way it had earlier this evening, and her jaw went slack as a broken, breathy moan left her mouth. Shelby pulsed around Toni’s finger, her body clenching and unclenching as Toni continued her even, intentional curls inside of her. Toni returned sloppy but sweet kisses against Shelby’s parted lips, making Shelby’s chest throb the way her lower body was from the care and focus Toni was providing as she came down.
Shelby let out a sigh as she finished, and gathered all of her courage to tip her head forward again, slowly releasing her grip on Toni’s shoulders to look her in the eye. A satisfied grin spread across her face. Her heart squeezed at the sight of Toni’s mouth already in a quiet and content smile and her golden brown eyes practically glowing in the little bit of moonlight in the car.
Toni planted a gentle kiss on her lips and slowly removed her finger, sliding her hand out from Shelby’s skirt. Shelby had to bite back a moan, missing the feeling of Toni’s hands.
“Are you okay?” Toni asked quietly. Shelby stared at her warmly tucked a strand of Toni’s hair behind her ear affectionately. She had always felt so much for Toni, but experiencing this vulnerable, intimate side of her in a less than intimate setting had Shelby finding new nooks and crannies in her heart to fill with everything that was Toni.
Shelby simply nodded, still playing with Toni’s hair. She didn’t want to stop looking at her. She didn’t want to stop being so close to Toni. Shelby found herself wishing she never had to leave the back seat of the car with her skirt hiked up, sweater open, exposed in every way to Toni.
It was Toni that pulled her eyes away first, laughing from deep in her chest. Shelby followed Toni’s eyes, landing on the steamed up windows around them. She covered her mouth with her hand as she laughed along with Toni, half surprised and half impressed.
Toni reached out and pressed a finger to the glass, tracing a small S into the condensation. Shelby didn’t miss a beat, drawing a T right next to it. Toni swatted her hand away, quickly dashing a + between the two letters. Shelby let out a giggle and grabbed both of Toni’s hands into one of hers, reaching over to finish their work with a poorly drawn heart.
The whole night felt like it was a list of contrasts. The heat of the bodies and the cold of the air. The messy wanting and the tender touch. And then their initials looped together with a heart on a steamed up window, half a joke between close friends and half something much bigger than that.
Shelby felt Toni looking at her again, like she was studying her. The air in the car was starting to cool, but Shelby felt her cheeks warming up again under Toni’s eyes. Shelby let go of Toni’s hands and offered her a soft smile, sighing through her nose. Toni reached out, fingers wrapping around the back of Shelby’s neck and knitting lightly through her hair. Shelby let herself be pulled in for one more quiet, lingering kiss. They both knew that this part of the night was over.
Toni pulled away and let go of Shelby’s face, her hands sliding over her neck, shoulders, and arms before landing at her fingers with a comforting squeeze.
“Let’s head back in,” Shelby suggested. Toni nodded, agreeing silently, and the two quietly redressed.
Shelby woke up with a start on Fatin’s living room couch. A blanket was tossed haphazardly over her body, still wearing the same sweater and skirt from the night before. The Jadmani house smelled a little bit like a frat house, but it was nothing that an open window couldn’t fix. She wasn’t sure what time Fatin had kicked out the bonus guests, but in general, the house didn’t appear to be too much of a mess. Martha was snoozing on another couch opposite of Shelby, a light snore coming from her direction with the rise and fall of her breathing. Shelby’s eyes dropped to Toni, fast asleep on the floor below her. Her breath caught in her throat as Shelby’s memories of everything that happened entered her fully sober head. Toni, despite using her own arm as a pillow and using the world’s smallest decorative throw blanket for warmth, looked incredibly peaceful.
It wasn’t like she was drunk when she kissed Toni, which led to her ultimately losing her metaphorical v-card in a 2004 Camry, but she couldn’t help but feel like she had been under some kind of influence to make her act the way that she did. The influence could have very well been Toni herself. No one noticed when they walked back into the house. They were no doubt flushed when they reentered, but their hair had been mostly corrected, lipstick was smeared off of Toni’s neck and lips, and another cigarette was quickly shared for good measure. Shelby thought she may have seen Fatin shoot them a look when they reappeared, but she was sure Fatin could never be that subtle, and everyone else there was far too drunk or absorbed in their own circles to realize they had even left.
Shelby had a queasy feeling that she had taken it too far last night. It was one thing to acknowledge in the privacy of her own mind that she had loved Toni as more than just her best friend for years now, but a whole other situation to practically toss her into the backseat of a car to get in her pants. Shelby was second guessing her every move since she had returned to Hopewell Lake. The last thing that she’d wanted to do was to kill the friendship that she had with Toni.
A loud yawn broke Shelby from her thoughts and she focused on the source of the noise. Toni was slowly sitting up, trying to crack her neck with a contorted look on her face. Toni finally sat up fully, glaring at the blanket covering her for a second before she made eye contact with Shelby.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Toni grumbled, rubbing her eyes with the palms of each hand.
Shelby sat up off the couch, whispering, “Should we wake Martha to drive her home?”
Toni shook her head and slowly rose to her feet. “Her car is here. She drove herself after work,” she mumbled, extending her body to the ceiling in a deep stretch. Shelby blushed, averting her eyes elsewhere when just a sliver of Toni’s stomach was exposed.
Shelby and Toni collected their things and quietly left the house. The front door clicked shut behind them and Shelby shivered. It felt much colder this morning than it had been the night before. Mist covered the wooded road, spilling into the driveway, and the sun was threatening to pop between the trees. Now in the daylight, Shelby could see Hopewell Lake in the valley below them, seemingly tucked in under that blanket of fog. The pair wordlessly got into Toni’s car. Shelby didn’t dare send a look Toni’s way, keeping her eyes fixated out the passenger window.
“When do you head back to school?” Toni broke the silence after they’d been driving for a moment, her sleepy rough voice making Shelby’s head buzz. Shelby knew Toni was a slow starter, so she knew that engaging in conversation had a purpose.
Shelby shrugged and looked at the darkened houses passing by outside of the car. “I wanted to leave this afternoon so I could have a full day in my dorm to get my life back together, but I think I’ll probably stay one more night. Have dinner with Mama, Spencer, and Melody,” she explained with a yawn. “I feel like I haven’t seen my siblings since I’ve been back other than Thanksgiving day.”
They approached Shelby’s road and a nondescript song on the radio filled the gaps for them. Shelby knew she needed to fix things as best as she could. Maybe she didn’t regret what happened, but she didn’t know how Toni wanted to proceed. The first kiss they’d shared was one thing. It was innocent and they could have laughed about it. But when she’d done it again and took it just about as far as she could, she didn’t think they had the grace to simply laugh it off anymore.
The familiar sound of the Goodkind’s driveway crunched under the tires of Toni’s car as they rolled off the main road. The house still looked quiet and dark, which was a bit of a relief for Shelby. The idea of crawling back into her bed for a couple hours was beyond tempting.
Toni put the car in park as it came to a stop in the driveway. Shelby pulled her lips into her mouth, trying to scrape together the right words. Somehow she felt like she was denying herself of something that could be very much worth the trouble it could cause, but she knew she needed to pull the killswitch on things. No option on the other side of the conversation was going to be easy. Toni was, first and foremost, her best friend. That complication on top of 10 hours of driving distance and several years of college ahead helped Shelby make her mind up. No matter how much she wanted to spill her guts to Toni, and ask her to take a nap in her childhood bed with her, and touch her the way that she had the night before, over and over again, she knew she needed to close the loop for now.
Shelby unbuckled her seatbelt and looked at Toni. Her eyes landed on a pack of menthols and a lighter sitting in the console under the car radio and her stomach flipped. It was like she could taste the way they did on Toni’s mouth just by looking at that stupid mint green package. She swallowed thickly, attempting to gather herself again. Shelby lifted her eyes to the ceiling of the car. Toni sat patiently in Shelby’s peripheral. She just needed to start somewhere and hoped the courage to look Toni in the eye would come soon after.
“Thanks for driving me,” Shelby started with a shaking voice. “There and back, you know.” She fiddled with her own fingers and finally met Toni’s gaze. There was nothing assuming, pressuring, or intimidating about the way Toni was looking at her. Shelby knew better than to think Toni would be anything but receptive to whatever she was about to say.
With one more deep breath, Shelby fully turned her body to Toni, wanting her to convey the weight she was putting into what she was about to say. “Toni, last night…”
Shelby paused again, her heart giving a throb against her ribs, and Toni chewed on her bottom lip. Of course Toni wasn’t taking the situation lightly either, Shelby thought.
“Last night was amazing,” Shelby stated decidedly, letting a smile creep onto her face as she saw Toni soften and lean into the seat of her car. A blush crept up Toni’s cheeks and across the bridge of her nose, but she didn’t say a word. Shelby gulped and took a deep breath. “It was really, really amazing and I know it probably isn’t what either one of us ever pictured or expected.”
Shelby exhaled and waited for Toni to say something, but her lips stayed sealed and her eyes stayed engaged. Shelby didn’t know if that made the situation better or worse. She ran a hand through her hair and bit the inside of her lip. “I don’t want it to change anything, though, okay? With me and you. I don’t want to lose you, or us, or our friendship.”
Tears welled in Shelby’s eyes. She felt like she must look insane. She was wearing yesterday’s clothes and day old makeup, ready to sob while Toni looked on as she ranted. Shelby felt a hand on hers and a laugh escaped her lips at the same time tears started rolling down her cheeks. Toni’s eyes were so soft on hers, rubbing her thumb over Shelby’s knuckles as she squeezed her trembling hand. “Hey, we’re okay, Shelby.”
Shelby gave her a weepy smile and quickly ran her palm under her eye to try and control the tears. Her stomach wasn’t trying to jump out of her throat anymore. She knew Toni wouldn’t say something she didn’t mean, and she knew that Toni wasn’t going to fight whatever she had to say.
“It doesn’t have to mean anything. I’ll be leaving tomorrow and I’m so far away and you’re here and everything is going so well for you and…” Shelby gulped as she rambled and shook her head. “Nothing has to change with us. You’re my best friend.”
Shelby’s mouth hung open slightly as she finished saying what she felt needed to be said. She felt like she’d run a marathon of emotions and she was catching her breath at the finish line.
Toni pursed her lips, never letting go of Shelby’s hand. Shelby couldn’t read Toni’s face but she knew she was thinking.
Finally, Toni shook her head and cracked a smile. It was genuine and kind, two of the things Shelby loved most about Toni. Shelby’s heart thumped against her ribcage at that smile.
“You’re right, this doesn’t change anything. I promise,” Toni stated sincerely, wetting her lips. “But you and I both know that it meant something.”
Three Years Later
Shelby opened the door of her car and was greeted by a familiar gust of Minnesota air. Her head was spinning, thinking about the way that she and Toni had left things exactly as they agreed three years ago in that driveway. Nothing changed between the two of them. Each holiday when Shelby made the drive back to Hopewell Lake, and every phone call and message they exchanged, the two of them kept their word to each other and never spoke of that night in Toni’s car.
Both Shelby and Toni had, in a way, taken measures to move on from that Thanksgiving weekend for the sake of preservation. Summers and holidays in Hopewell Lake as they knew it grew shorter. Shelby accepted internships in Milwaukee the summer after her first year of college, Detroit the next, and finally spent her whole summer in Chicago before senior year. Holiday visits became abridged or even scrapped as schedules became less flexible around a 10 hour drive. Shelby did her best to not take it personally when Toni turned down invitations to visit her with the rest of their friends. Toni used breaks from school to take on more shifts, and she was always worried about her car making the long drive to wherever Shelby was.
They’d created two separate lives outside of each other. They’d met new people, dated new people, and tried new things. They’d worked so hard to make sure nothing changed and allowed life to physically wedge between them. Despite that wedge, they were still the first and last person the other thought about and spoke to each day. In a way, it was like Shelby had kept Toni in her pocket for the last three years. It was like if she kept Toni exactly where she knew she’d be, and she just didn’t see her or touch her, Shelby could keep her for as long as she wanted.
Shelby shuffled through the front door of the house and dropped her bags to the floor. She looked around at the circular layout of the house. “I’m home! Anybody here?” she called into the entryway. The smell of an apple pie already underway and the distinctive sound of 90s country playing low had already greeted her, so she was certain at least one person was around.
“In the kitchen, baby!” A sweet voice rang out. Shelby walked down the hallway, past the stairs, and through the thick wooden door frame leading to the kitchen. She found her mom flipping through her trusty recipe card box at the kitchen table, flour already coating the front of her oversized denim button up. Jobeth grinned warmly and stopped what she was doing, quickly rising to her feet. Shelby found herself wrapped in a hug that smelled like freshly peeled granny smith apples and cinnamon sugar.
“Welcome home, baby!” Jobeth said as she released Shelby from her embrace. She kept her hands on Shelby’s shoulders for a moment, like she was studying the face that she hadn’t seen in a few months, before her eyes dropped to Shelby’s front with an apologetic look. “Well, I suppose I made a mess of both of us, didn’t I.”
Shelby looked down at the black sweater she was wearing, freshly covered in the flour that had transferred from her mom’s shirt, and threw her head back in a hearty laugh. She feebly attempted to dust it off but she knew it was a lost cause. “No worries, mama. I should change anyway.”
Jobeth shrugged apologetically and sat back down at the table. “Come and sit for a minute. I’m sure you didn’t do enough of that in the car, huh?”
Shelby laughed, nodding her head as she joined her mom at the table either way. “Certainly did not,” she joked back. “Where are the kids?”
Kids felt wrong. Shelby’s siblings were in high school now. Spencer was being scouted for college baseball and Melody was trying to decide if she wanted to focus on soccer or music, a natural at both.
“They headed over to the football game. They won’t be back until late, I suspect,” Jobeth said and resumed flipping through the recipe cards in front of her. “Are you headed out soon too? I know you girls love your Wild Turkey Wednesday and it’s getting to be that time of night.”
Shelby leaned back in her chair and stretched her bones from the long drive as she thought about her next move. She looked at her watch and glanced down at her clothes. “I should get going, yeah. I just need to freshen up and I’ll call an Uber.”
Jobeth swatted her hand dismissively at Shelby. Finally finding the recipe she was looking for, she shut the box in front of her and reached out to squeeze her daughter’s arm. “How about you do what you need to do and I’ll drive you,” she suggested. “There’s fresh sheets on your bed and towels in your bathroom for you. I cannot promise that Melody hasn’t been snooping through the closet.”
Shelby stood from the table and leaned to kiss her mom on the head. “Thank you, Mama. I’ll be right back.”
A few minutes later, the pair were on their way to Jack’s Bar. Shelby hadn’t wasted too much time getting ready, tossing on a navy sweatshirt and a pair of faded jeans. She popped open the sun shade above the passenger seat in her mom’s car to check herself in the mirror. It was fully dark out, but a small light on the mirror gave her enough visibility. She ran a hand through her hair and mentally cursed herself for not touching up her makeup.
“You look great. Effortless, even. Who are you trying to impress anyways?” Jobeth teased from the driver’s seat. Shelby rolled her eyes. No matter how old she got and how much she loved and admired her mom, she couldn’t help but occasionally revert to her teen dramatics.
“No one, Mama,” Shelby shot back, probably more quickly and pointedly than she’d intended. She softened her tone. “... And thank you”
They approached the bar, the roof trimmed with multicolored Christmas lights like it was all year round, and Jobeth pulled into the parking lot. Shelby quickly rummaged through her purse to double check that she had her ID and some money, not that she’d need it here.
“That girl is going to catch a cold running around out here without a jacket on,” Jobeth quietly chastised, almost saying it to herself. Shelby looked up from her bag to see what she was referring to and spotted Toni strolling through the parking lot in a loose short sleeved button up, her hands stuffed in the pockets of her jeans. Shelby decided she was either coming back from a sneaky smoke break or from taking out the trash. Jobeth honked the horn, catching Toni in her headlights.
“Mama, what on God’s green earth are you doing?” Shelby questioned, once again coming out a little more harsh than she’d anticipated. She watched Toni stop in her tracks and squint her eyes at the car, trying to see who had harassed her, before her face lit up and she broke into a light jog over to the car.
Jobeth shot Shelby a look and rolled down her window. “I’m just saying hi to my favorite bartender.”
“JB! What’s new?” Toni called through the open window. She spotted Shelby sitting in the passenger seat. “Are you coming in for a drink or are you just playing taxi for this one? I know Jack would love to see you.”
“Why would Jack love to see you?” Shelby asked innocuously.
“Get out of the car, Shelby,” Jobeth responded quickly and turned back to Toni. “I’m just dropping Shelbs off. But you’ll tell Jack I say hello?”
Shelby stepped out of the car, pulling her jacket around her tightly and peered at Toni from over the vehicle as Toni and her mom exchanged final pleasantries. With one last, “I love you, baby!” called from the car, Jobeth drove off into the night. Shelby furrowed her brows at Toni now that they were alone.
“What the hell was that?” Shelby demanded, taking a step closer to Toni in an attempt to be threatening to the slightly shorter girl. She felt lighter, just being in proximity to Toni for the first time since the summer. It was like being away from Toni was more of a weight on her shoulders than anything that happened between the two of them.
Toni simply laughed, a puff of air coming out of her mouth. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Shelbs.” Shelby didn’t know how Toni seemed entirely unbothered by the cold.
Shelby crossed her arms over her chest. “JB? And what was that whole ‘ Jack would love to see you!’ bit?” She finished with her best Toni impression, her mouth formed into a frown for emphasis.
Toni chucked and raised her eyebrows at Shelby. “Is that what I sound like? God, I am annoying.” Shelby rolled her eyes and stepped forward. She looped her arm around Toni’s elbow to guide her towards the bar.
“You better not be trying to set up my mother with some hoodlum bar owner, Antonia ,” Shelby warned, reaching across herself to give Toni’s arm a pinch with her free hand. Toni yelped and tried to wiggle away from Shelby without success.
“I cannot confirm, nor deny that one,” Toni winced through her teeth. Shelby thought the idea of her mom dating was weird, let alone Toni playing wingman in the situation, but knew her mom deserved to have someone in her life more than anyone.
Shelby wrinkled her nose as they neared the door. “Gross. Let’s not talk about my mom’s dating life. I haven’t even had a drink yet.” She could already hear Dot yelling at Fatin from somewhere inside over the low hum of the music. Reaching for the door with her arm still linked to Toni, she felt Toni standing firm, holding her back. She turned, looking back at Toni. The glowing light of the bar allowed her to really see Toni for the first time that night and it made her heart throb. It hadn’t been that long since she’d seen Toni but she looked different. She looked more mature, somehow. Her hair looked shiner, maybe even more wavy. It was possible that some new freckles had formed across her face without Shelby giving the okay. The worst part was that permanent goofy twinkle in her eye.
Shelby cocked her head to the side silently asking Toni what she was doing. The smallest, softest mischievous smile crept across Toni’s face and she stepped forward, closing the gap between Shelby and Toni with a tight hug around her middle. Shelby instantly reciprocated, wrapping her arms around Toni’s shoulders.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Toni mumbled into Shelby’s jacket, her voice vibrating through her chest. Shelby was at risk of turning into a puddle, melting in Toni’s arms. Shelby could feel the line she’d drawn for them breaking down against her will. She ended the embrace as casually as she could, facing the bar once again while loosely draping an arm over Toni’s shoulders in as friendly of a way as she could.
Shelby dragged Toni forward with her, pushing the door of the bar open finally to be greeted by a cheer from a table of rowdy familiar faces from the corner. Dot, Fatin, Martha, and the Reids were already piled into their favorite booth with drinks in hand. Shelby cheered back, grinning at everyone before turning and pressing her mouth close to Toni’s ear. “I’m glad you’re here. I hear you make a mean drink.”
After making her rounds, giving each of her favorite girls a squeeze and receiving a particularly wet kiss on the cheek from Fatin, Shelby found herself approaching the bar. Toni stood behind it, palms flat against the top, chatting comfortably with a customer. She looked so at ease and natural. Shelby watched Toni’s eyes flick over to hers as she sat down at an open bar stool near the beer taps. Drumming her fingers across the wood, Shelby scanned the drink menu.
Toni exited her conversation and slowly walked towards Shelby. “What are we thinking?”
Shelby laughed with a sigh. “You know I haven’t had a pumpkin beer this season but I want to see what the bartender recommends.”
“Are you sure? Pumpkin beer is switching to Christmas ale in a matter of hours, you know?” Toni warned, already reaching for a plastic cup and an ice scoop. Shelby nodded and rested her chin on her hand. There was something about watching Toni work behind the bar that made Shelby’s cheeks warm up. Effortlessly measuring shots, squeezing a quartered lime, adding a dash of a sticky sweet looking red syrup, and finishing things off with something fizzy from the soda machine and a jarred cherry, Toni slid the cup across the bar to Shelby.
Shelby wordlessly thanked Toni with her eyes and picked up the cup, taking her first sip. Shelby went from sitting in Jack’s bar across from Toni to standing in Fatin’s kitchen three years ago across from Toni.
“You’ve made this for me before,” Shelby stated over the top of the cup before taking another drink.
Toni smiled and leaned forward on the bar again. “Yes, I have,” she said plainly. Their eyes held, locking in silent acknowledgment. Shelby’s chest swelled.
“I thought I remembered it.” Shelby broke their eye contact and looked at her drink. “What is it?”
Toni crinkled her nose and scratched the bridge of it with a nervous laugh. “So it’s a Dirty Shirley. Kind of.”
Shelby snorted into her drink, nearly spilling it down the front of herself. She put down the cup and dabbed her chin with a bar napkin. Recovering from her near incident over the ridiculous name of the cocktail, Shelby looked back to Toni. “Please explain what a kind of Dirty Shirley is?”
“So when I first made this for you, I’d just started working here.” Toni explained to Shelby, wiping her hands on a clean white rag. “One of the first things Jack showed me how to make was a Shirley Temple, which is just lemon-lime soda, a little grenadine, and then a squeeze of lime and a maraschino cherry. Add vodka and you have the Dirty Shirley.”
Shelby took a long sip, analyzing the drink. She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth because something wasn’t fitting the bill. “It’s so weird that I like this because I-”
“Hate lemon-lime soda, I know,” Toni chuckled with a blush. “Yeah, I swap the lemon-lime for ginger ale.”
Shelby swore she felt her brain buzz. It was such a small and silly detail, but she would never get over the way Toni was always listening and remembering and acting on the things that Shelby told her. Shelby raised her eyebrows, trying to bring herself back to earth. “Well, then I guess we can call this one a Dirty Shelby.”
Toni laughed a pitch higher than usual and ran a hand through her hair. “I suppose you can, but I wouldn’t go and try to order it by that name at any old bar.”
“No, I’d only order a Dirty Shelby from you,” Shelby said innocently. A few sips of booze in her and less than 20 minutes in the same space as Toni and she was already feeling a little too bold for her own liking.
Someone walked up to the bar near Shelby, looking to order a drink. Toni sent Shelby an apologetic look and warmly greeted the customer, clearly a regular, before retrieving two bottled beers from the cooler behind her. Shelby felt an arm hang around her shoulders and Shelby turned to the owner to find Dot standing next to her with a smug smile.
“Up for some darts? I think we have one round before Fatin becomes a danger with a projectile so we should take advantage of it.” Dot suggested. With Leah staying back in California for the holiday to spend time with her family before the two moved to New York together after graduation in the spring, Fatin was wallowing a bit and took an extra shot to cope. Fatin was notoriously terrible at darts while sober and liquor certainly didn’t help her aim.
Shelby laughed and grabbed her drink from the bar. “Let’s do it.” She looked to Toni, already talking to another patron.
Toni met Shelby’s eyes for just a second and gave her a small wave. “Go ahead, we’ll catch up later.”
Dot had been correct in her assumption that Fatin was only good for one game of darts. Shelby had to pry Fatin’s last throw from the wood paneling of the wall next to the dart board. They decided it was best to retire the darts for the evening and pick up another round of drinks.
Shelby felt herself relaxing into the familiarity of being back with her closest friends. It felt like no time had passed since she’d seen them last. Martha leaned her head on Shelby’s shoulder, eyes happy and glassy.
“Shelby, I missed you,” Martha confessed sweetly. “When are you moving back home?” Shelby dropped her head to rest on Martha’s and giggled at the earnestness in her voice.
“I don’t know, Marty. I don’t think anytime soon,” Shelby told her.
Shelby hadn’t told any of the girls yet, but she had a job offer in Chicago. The company she’d worked for over the summer kept her on part time through the school year and gave her a full time offer to stay after she graduated. Shelby’s eyes kept following Toni behind the bar, trying to think of what she was going to say to her. Shelby wanted to tell Toni about Chicago first and in person.
While college felt like a temporary time apart, this job offer felt permanent. Shelby felt like she’d secretly treated her agreement with Toni like a bookmark. She thought that maybe one day, they’d talk about it when it was the right place and the right time and they would figure it out in one way or another. At the root of it, Shelby knew she was very much in love with Toni and had been for a long time. She wanted to tell Toni everything and ask her to come to Chicago with her, but she also knew that was a majorly oversimplified solution for her and Toni’s situation.
It was never going to be that easy. It was like she was always holding this space for Toni in her life in the off chance they could make things work, but she wasn’t quite sure how to make it play out. If she accepted the job in Chicago, still hours away from Hopewell Lake, Shelby felt like she’d be losing her place with Toni.
As the night went on, the bar filled. Nearly wall to wall, the high top tables and bar stools were speckled with people who had never left Hopewell Lake and those who only made the trip back to town a couple times every year. Branded neon signs on the walls and a few dim stained glass lights hanging above each table filled the room with a comfortable glow. It was almost like the room looked exactly how it sounded.
Shelby did her best to stay focused on the chatter at the table, but she couldn’t help but search for brown eyes across the bar. She was surprised, around 11 o’clock, that the face she was looking for was not where it had been all night. She knew Toni was being relieved from her shift by now, but expected her to join them any minute. Scanning the room, she spotted the back of Toni’s head ducking out of a side exit. Shelby shifted in her seat, contemplating her next move. It felt a little too familiar. Without a second thought, she took one last sip of her drink and quietly excused herself from the table without much notice.
Shelby crossed the bar, sending polite smiles in the direction of a few pleasantries sent her way, before pushing open the same door that Toni had exited. The night air was like a slap in the face as the door shut behind her. Shelby wrapped her arms around herself, tucking her hands into her sleeves. She glanced around the parking lot and quickly found exactly what she was looking for. Toni was standing outside of her car, leaning against the driver's side door with a cigarette loosely hanging from her mouth and her eyes focused on her phone in her hands.
Shelby headed toward Toni, the sounds of the bar fading behind her as she closed the gap between them in the parking lot. Toni looked up, hearing someone approaching her, and took her cigarette from her mouth between her fingers. Even in the dim orange glow of the parking lot, Shelby could see Toni’s lips curve into a smirk in a cloud of smoke.
“Always chasing me down for a cigarette, princess,” Toni chastised, shaking her head at Shelby with mock disapproval.
Shelby wordlessly stopped just short of Toni and held out her fingers. Toni didn’t miss a beat, passing the cigarette off to her. She took a long drag. The feeling no longer tickled her lungs and throat the way it used to. Shelby and Toni hadn’t shared a cigarette like this in a long time and Shelby could swear she could taste Toni on it.
Toni was watching Shelby carefully as she stood there, taking another puff. Shelby was buying time in the parking lot. She hadn’t thought this far ahead after she decided to follow Toni outside, but she knew she needed to say what had been at the forefront of her mind all night.
“What’s up, Shelby?” Toni asked, finally breaking the heavy silence between them. Shelby knew she had been quiet for too long and took one last drag, holding the smoke in her lungs as she passed the cigarette back to Toni.
Slowly exhaling a cloud of smoke, Shelby finally looked Toni in the eye. “I’m moving to Chicago.”
Toni blinked a few times, like she was replaying Shelby’s words in her head. Toni lifted the cigarette to her lips, holding it there, now slowly nodding her head.
“It’s for a job,” Shelby continued, hoping that maybe Toni would say something.
“Is that what you wanted to tell me?” Toni questioned softly. “When we were on the phone and you told me you had something to tell me?” Shelby nodded silently and folded her hands together in front of her.
Toni’s unreadable face formed a small smile and she reached out, giving Shelby’s arm a squeeze. “That’s great, Shelby. I’m proud of you.”
Genuine or not, those words felt like a punch to the gut to Shelby. It was like that was it. Toni had officially pulled the bookmark out from the space Shelby had been keeping from her. If Toni wanted to be there she would have said something, wouldn’t she? She would have done something more than just wish her well and send her off, right?
Shelby felt tears well in her eyes and she swallowed her pride. “That’s it?”
Toni’s eyebrows furrowed and she pressed her lips together into a tight line before opening them again. “What do you mean, Shelby? I’m proud of you. You worked hard and I’m sure this is what you wanted.”
Something about the way Toni said that felt double edged. Shelby could feel they were on the verge of every word not spoken in the last three years pouring into the air.
“I thought you would say something different,” Shelby muttered, her eyes dropping to the cigarette slowly smoldering between Toni’s fingers. Toni’s demeanor changed with that statement. If Shelby didn’t know her better she would almost think she was angry. No, she could sense the confusion written all over Toni’s body language.
“What is this about?” Toni asked. It was quiet, but it was direct and firm. Shelby knew that Toni was piecing things together and she could practically hear the gears grinding in her head. Shelby felt guilty. She’d selfishly made this complicated, and was now continuing on her path after years of letting it rest outside of the mess of her own head. Shelby’s feelings for Toni never eased over the time and distance that she voluntarily created. She never fully knew where Toni stood when this all began, let alone after three years and an agreement to forget about it, and now she was digging it all up from where it had been buried with the hope of finding out exactly where Toni was at. Shelby met Toni’s eyes but she wasn’t quite ready to say everything that was sitting in her throat. She hoped that Toni was following what she’d suggested.
“What the fuck did you want me to say, Shelby?” Toni finally asked with a clear bitterness to her voice. Okay, maybe she was a touch angry. Toni took a sharp inhale from her cigarette with a subsequent quick exhale, shaking her head before she continued. “You made it clear three years ago to the fucking day that this is what you wanted from me, from the situation, from everything. I’ve stayed quiet and at arms length for years. Do you want to talk about it now? Do you want me to feel some type of way about it all now?”
Shelby could feel years of frustration teeming out from between Toni’s teeth. There was a hurt to the tone of her words that Shelby hadn’t heard before and it made her physically recoil, knowing that she was the source of what Toni was feeling. Everything was coming to a head.
Shelby found her footing again. The anger in Toni’s voice pointed right at her was making her bold. “You made it pretty damn clear, too, Toni. You agreed.” Even if Shelby had initiated everything, Toni went along with it. Toni had been a willing participant down to promising that nothing was going to change between them.
Toni rolled her eyes and dropped the finished cigarette to the ground, crushing it under her feet. “So what do you want me to say then? I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.” She took a deep breath and laughed through her nose. “You know, I kind of preferred when you just fucked me in my car and didn’t want to talk about things, instead of making my head spin by trying to read your mind with half baked sentences.”
Shelby’s face instantly flushed. Her eyes snapped to Toni’s the second those words left her mouth and they were locked to each other. Energy fizzed between them. They were stuck in a standoff and Toni was obviously waiting for Shelby’s next move. Shelby wanted to slap herself for finding her heart beating harder at the way Toni’s eyes were dark and intense on her.
Shelby attempted to relax her shoulders but the accusation from Toni held the tension in her body. “That isn’t what happened,” she said between tight lips and a clenched jaw. Shelby was mad. Mad at herself and mad at the situation. And, although she knew it was unjustified, she was mad at Toni for stating it all so plainly.
Toni dug into the pockets of her jeans and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and her lighter, quickly grabbing one from the package and lighting it. If Shelby wasn’t feeling like she was at the end of her rope with Toni, she would have given her a hard time about smoking two in a row without a drink in her system. Toni looked off, beyond Shelby, and took a slow drag. She blew a puff of smoke into the night and finally let her eyes land on Shelby again. “So what happened then?”
Everything Shelby had been holding in, long overdue to the point it was burning at her throat, finally came out. “I loved you, Toni,” she breathed. Her whole body finally started to relax, like those thoughts turned words were the cause of all of the tension. Toni’s eyes instantly softened, her mouth hanging open just slightly.
Shelby licked her lips and stepped forward toward Toni. Fuck it.
“I love you, actually, Toni,” Shelby corrected herself with an exasperated laugh, and blinked back tears that were stinging her eyes at everything that was happening. It wasn’t just the last three years coming out at once. It felt like a lifetime. It was the moment Shelby knew how she felt, sitting in class behind Toni. It was every moment spent at the lake. It was every drive to and from Minnesota. It was every time Toni so much as sent a look her way. How couldn’t it be?
Shelby pursed her lips tightly and a salty tear dropped down her cheek. She wiped it away with the back of her hand and laughed again. “I always have, I think.”
Toni’s hair blew in the wind, cold with the bite to it, still not even shivering without a jacket. Shelby was holding her breath. It was all out now. Despite her best efforts, everything had changed for better or for worse and the ball was in Toni’s court and all Shelby could do was watch. Toni ran her tongue over her teeth and propped herself off the car. The cigarette in her fingers, not even smoked a quarter of the way, was unceremoniously dropped and crushed under her heel. With that and two steps toward Shelby, Toni closed the distance between them and crushed their mouths together.
Shelby fused herself to Toni’s lips, warmth instantly spreading into her gut as she felt cold hands grasping her face. Relief washed over Shelby at the wordless response from Toni, and all she could think about was how she needed her closer. Toni’s fingers wrapped around either side of Shelby’s jaw, thumbs stroking her cheekbones, holding their mouths firmly together. Shelby sighed happily as Toni confidently licked into her mouth. This kiss felt so familiar, tasted so familiar, but it was something so new. Shelby’s hands, which had been hanging uselessly at her sides, snaked around Toni’s waist, pulling their bodies flush. Toni groaned into Shelby’s mouth and pulled their lips apart to rest their foreheads together.
“I love you, too,” Toni breathed against Shelby’s lips, doing nothing to stop the smile that was painted on her face. “I really fucking love you,” she affirmed with a sigh. Shelby could not believe the words she was hearing and all she could do was laugh against Toni’s lips. She connected their lips briefly, unable to help herself, before pulling back to look at Toni’s face.
Shelby exhaled, taking in Toni’s face just inches from her. Even in the low light of the parking lot, the gold flecks in Toni’s eyes made Shelby’s heart squeeze.
“You know, I don’t think I want to fuck you in your car,” Shelby began, echoing the heated words Toni had thrown her way moments before. Her hands slipped under the linen fabric of Toni’s shirt and onto the smooth, chilled skin below. Goosebumps pebbled beneath her fingertips as Shelby pressed her lips below Toni’s ear, just at her jaw. “But I would like to fuck you in your bed, if you’d be into that.”
A mere 15 minute drive later, kissing at red lights and stop signs and hands going a little too far, Shelby and Toni crashed through the door of Toni’s apartment. If Shelby was a better house guest, she’d take a moment to comment about how much Toni had done to the place since she’d seen it last. Instead her fingers were at the buttons of Toni’s shirt, fumbling to get them open as quickly as possible as she pressed Toni against the front door, their lips never detaching.
Shelby, when she let her mind wander further than she typically allowed, had pictured the moment she got to touch Toni again. She’d envisioned something tender and ceremonious after a long, thought out conversation of how much they meant to each other, and why they wasted so much time apart. Always a romantic, she pictured champagne and maybe they’d treat themselves to a hotel room getaway. The first time they’d fallen into bed, or four door sedan, together, it was like they’d been trying to get the act out of their systems as quickly as they were trying to get each other into their systems.
However, it turned out that Toni and Shelby were not so different than they’d been at 19. Toni’s shirt was left at the entryway, along with a dark purple bruise on her collarbone and an orgasm against the front door. After a brief water break in the kitchen, Shelby’s sweatshirt was abandoned on the counter, panting with her back chilled against the cold quartz countertop and at the brink of coming against Toni’s thigh. They really tried to make it the last 20 feet to Toni’s bedroom, but Toni’s jeans and underwear were lost somewhere under the couch before Shelby went down on her for the first time. The taste of Toni on her tongue, the tug of Toni’s fingers running through her waves, and the sting of the hardwood floors on her knees made Toni’s hallway table look pretty appealing to Shelby for their next conquest, but Toni assured her they could try that another day, and they finally made it to their final destination.
The last of their clothes were ditched at the foot of the bed and Shelby found herself pressed firmly into Toni’s mattress. Everything around her was Toni. Shelby felt like she was swimming in her. The spiced coconut and vanilla scent that was Toni was filling her nose and taking over her mouth and Shelby needed more of it. Shelby let out a whine into Toni’s hair, hair arms wrapped around Toni’s shoulders, at the feeling of their bare bodies colliding under the sheets for the first time. If Shelby wasn’t desperate for an orgasm, she could have laid under the weight of Toni for a lifetime. She’d never felt something quite like Toni’s warm, soft skin pressed against hers.
A fleeting thought ran through Shelby’s head, thinking of the way their bodies slotted so naturally, that maybe they’d been made for each other all along. Maybe they were two halves of a whole that had always been so close but never fully made impact. Tears pricked at her eyes again, not wanting to let her emotions get the best of her, and she pressed her mouth to Toni’s neck to bring herself back to the task at hand. Toni let out a groan as Shelby left hot, sloppy kisses on her neck, and hitched Shelby’s leg around the back of hers. Shelby instinctively rolled her hips against Toni’s, knowing the wet mess she was leaving on her thigh.
Shelby felt Toni starting to shift, bringing her neck out of Shelby’s reach as she started a path with her mouth down Shelby’s chest. Shelby gasped, gripping one hand into the sheets and one through Toni’s hair, as Toni’s teeth scraped gently against her nipple before sucking it into her mouth. Toni’s fingers drew long lines up and down Shelby’s body, making Shelby’s back arch off the bed and snap her eyes shut. Shelby could feel Toni smiling against her ribcage as she continued her path across her.
“You are so beautiful, Bee,” Toni whispered with one firm, intentional kiss, just above Shelby’s navel. Shelby’s mind bounced back to the moment, years ago in Toni’s car, when Toni tried to tell her just that and how she’d stopped her. She couldn’t hear it then, but now those words were freeing and validating.
Shelby, once again, was melting into a puddle under Toni. She could feel the way Toni was beaming with every progressing moment. That was how they’d always been and, maybe, what made them work. Shelby, living a past life of self preservation and rigidness, found herself softening into this vulnerable mess around Toni. Toni, once defined by extremes to the negative end, allowed herself to feel and express that passion to Shelby. Toni beamed and Shelby melted, like an X and Y axis meeting in the middle.
Shelby felt Toni’s kisses lowering, peppering her hipbones as she massaged the insides of Shelby’s thighs. Shelby knew exactly what Toni was doing and she found herself panting at the idea of Toni’s mouth on her, but she couldn’t help but feel like Toni was too far for her liking.
“Toni…” Shelby whispered, giving the brown waves in her fingers a gentle tug.
Toni’s head snapped up, eyes meeting Shelby’s with concern. “Are you okay?”
Shelby smiled down at Toni, nodding. “Come here. I want you closer.”
Grinning, Toni dragged her body back up Shelby’s, their chests finally flush again and their mouths reconnecting sweetly. Shelby sighed happily into Toni’s mouth and ran a hand over Toni’s shoulder, down her arm and to the hand that was now resting at her hip to pull it between her legs.
“I still need you to touch me though,” Shelby mumbled against Toni, leaving a small nip on her bottom lip. Toni chuckled quietly at Shelby’s directions and wasted no more time, dipping her fingers through Shelby’s wetness. They both moaned at the contact. Shelby was dizzied by the way Toni had only touched her like this once before but she’d been missing the feeling ever since. Toni was making lazy circles around Shelby’s clit, occasionally dropping lower to tease at her entrance. Shelby could feel Toni rocking into her thigh from above her.
Shelby’s breath hitched, Toni’s finger catching her clit just right as she tried to speak. “Could you go again?” Toni had already come twice but Shelby was itching to touch her again and make her feel the way she was feeling right now.
“Right now?” Toni questioned, her voice was shaking but focused, never letting up on her movements below Shelby’s waist.
“Yes, right now. I want to touch you,” Shelby said, kissing Toni’s jaw. Toni nodded quietly, looking at Shelby through hooded eyes as she widened her legs to allow Shelby to slide her arm between them. Shelby let out a content sigh, hearing Toni moan into her ear as she quickly made contact with her clit. They worked in unison, meeting the pace of the other as they brought their lips back together again. They were locked in a lazy, breathless kiss, lips almost slack against each other as they worked each other closer to the edge.
Shelby felt her toes curling as a craveworthy burn spread across the bottom of her feet. She’d only ever felt like this with Toni before, and it left her gasping for air against Toni’s mouth as she felt her enter her with two fingers.
“I’m so close,” Shelby panted, matching Toni’s actions, entering Toni with her pointer and middle finger. She could feel her palm against Toni’s clit as she thrusted into her, no doubt giving her some extra stimulation.
“Me too, baby. This feels so good,” Toni whispered, not even understanding the gravity of what she’d just said. Shelby nearly came on the spot, hearing Toni call her baby .
Shelby kissed Toni firmly, doubling her efforts to catch Toni up because she knew she was a goner any second.
“Go ahead, baby. I’m right behind you,” Toni mumbled against Shelby’s lips, that smile returning to her mouth. That was all that Shelby needed to hear, apparently, and she felt her body throb. Shelby nearly sobbed, feeling herself clench around Toni’s fingers with her palm still rhythmically brushing her clit. She could see stars behind her eyes, her whole body lit up with an electric pulse. At the peak of her own orgasm, Shelby felt Toni come around her fingers with a broken moan, shaking above her.
It was all too much, and still Shelby felt like she couldn’t get enough of it as the waves in her body eased. She felt the throbbing around her fingers come to a slow stop, Toni letting out a relieved sigh as Shelby slid her fingers out of her. Toni lowered her body back to the mattress, removing her fingers from Shelby, and draped her body over hers slightly. A lone, hot tear rolled from the corner of Shelby’s eye, making her laugh.
Toni spotted it and quickly kissed it away, smiling against the side of Shelby’s head. Shelby could feel her heart drum inside of her at the simple gesture.
“Why are we crying? Or laughing? Or whatever is going on over here,” Toni asked as she planted light kisses over Shelby’s face and reached for her hand to tangle their fingers together.
Shelby let out a deep breath as she cooled down and finally opened her eyes to properly look at Toni. She shook her head, a shy smile on her face. “I’m just really happy, Toni.”
Quiet kisses turned into whispers, wrapped up in each other. Shelby found herself and Toni in this comfortable bubble of each other. Everything had changed but, at the same time, nothing had. It was just Shelby and Toni. They could talk about anything and everything, their energy always bouncing off of the other naturally. They hadn’t looked at the time since they’d left the bar and didn’t bother checking.
Shelby sleepily looked at Toni, not ready to stop staring at her face. She was counting freckles and traced the light scar across the bridge of Toni’s nose. Toni playfully swatted her hand away. “Admiring your work?”
Shelby’s mouth gaped open, rolling her eyes in feigned offense at the accusation. “I did no such thing.”
It was a half true statement. The summer before their junior year of high school, Shelby and Toni had been laying in the backyard at Shelby’s house and talking each other's ears off. Toni spotted a small toad hopping in the grass. Despite warnings from Shelby, telling her to leave it alone, Toni scooped it up in her hands. Toni, being Toni, ended up chasing Shelby with said toad. Shelby ran through the back door of her house, quickly closing the sliding glass door behind her. Unfortunately, Jobeth was a wizard with Windex and Toni was just a few steps too far behind Shelby to know that the door was shut, crashing into the window. The frog and the door got away unscathed, but Toni wasn’t so lucky with a broken nose and blood on Jobeth’s window.
Shelby laughed at the memory, burying her face into Toni’s neck. Toni traced patterns across her bare shoulders and laughed with her. It was like a silent recognition of how far they’d come. Shelby pursed her lips and drew her head back to look at Toni. “I’m sorry I was ever afraid of something that could be this good,” she confessed quietly. “I was so afraid of losing you either right then and there or losing you down the line when the distance was too much.”
Shelby watched Toni’s throat bob, like she wanted to interrupt but she let her continue. “I think, maybe, I was a little afraid of admitting a lot about myself too.”
Shelby had never really done any soul searching about liking girls, or what it meant to have Toni make her head spin every time she looked at her. After years under Dave Goodkind’s roof, even if Shelby knew that Jobeth wouldn’t bat an eye, the weight of what it all meant for her sat heavily on her shoulders. She’d slowly unpacked the pieces since Toni, but she recognized there was still work to be done.
Toni looked at her sympathetically, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Don’t ever be sorry for that. I cosigned then and I’ll cosign on whatever you want to do from here.”
Shelby smiled gratefully, running her fingers through Toni’s hair. “I want to be yours. You are just the best thing and I want you to be mine. I’m real tired of you not being mine.”
Toni laughed, almost shyly burying her face in the shared pillow before bringing their faces close together again. The bridges of their noses gently brushed as Toni licked her lips, almost pensively. “I’ve always been yours,” she stated. “I don’t think there’s been a day since I met you that I haven’t been, Bee.”
Shelby pulled Toni into a teary, wet kiss. Shelby’s heart was screaming for Toni, and Toni was answering right back. There was more to talk about and they’d figure it out. It wouldn’t happen overnight and it was going to take time, but they would get there. Shelby had found herself in a lot of places over the years, from Texas to Minnesota to every major city along Lake Michigan. Whether there were hundreds of miles between them or if they shared the same four walls someday, Shelby knew from then on that home would always be with Toni.