Work Text:
"I don't understand why you're so upset."
That's such a lie. Of course I know why he's so upset. I mean, how could I not? I'm upset too. But my entire life up until now was leading up to the mission and publishing this book is a dream come true. I was so excited, I was looking forward to these things just days ago. I don't feel the excitement anymore though, at least not right now. What I do feel though, are the tears building up behind my eyes.
When I come to, I realise we're both just sitting here, staring at each other in silence. Tanner's eyes are looking at every part of my face, his own contorted in confusion. It was an admittedly stupid thing to say on my part and sounds almost insulting. I'm going to correct myself but then something changes in his expression and he starts talking.
"I like you," is what he says. I don't mean to say this in a cocky way - I knew that he felt something for me - and I'm sure he knows I feel the same - but then he says exactly what's been bothering me this entire time and I suddenly feel like I'm going to cry. "And I know your church doesn't allow that kind of feeling," and while I stare at him, trying to find something to even say he continues, "it doesn't allow for guys to have feelings like this...for other guys."
I'm completely frozen in place, I know that is what my church says but I guess facing it is a completely different kind of feeling. I was avoiding it, trying to savour what me and Tanner had before it eventually came crumbling down at my feet. But now it is and I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to say, I can barely breathe, so all I let out is a pathetic, "no."
"But I'm not LDS. In my family, it isn't a bad thing. And I don't know what to do about how I feel or how to stop feeling this way about you." I want to tell him I don't want him to stop, that, selfishly, I want him to keep feeling this way about me even if he shouldn't. That I want him to keep being around me, feeling like this even if I can't be actively reciprocating these feelings. It's selfish and so unfair to Tanner, so I don't say it. When I do try and say something - anything - Tanner immediately interrupts.
"You don't have to say anything. I only wanted to explain why I was upset. And also why my book is basically how it feels to fall or you." All I can do is stare at Tanner talking, realising that seeing Tanner this upset and defeated is something I never want to see from him. I want to tell him I knew, that I was just waiting and thinking about what the repercussions of this relationship would be on both of our parts. I was hoping I could live in bliss for these next few months until I leave for my mission and I'd come back to this same, amazing, person waiting for me back here in Provo. But I can't tell him that, and I can't tell him I knew - but I can soften the blow a little.
"I think I knew," definitely a good alternative. Good job.
"I think you knew too," nevermind.
Suddenly it's silent, Tanner is staring at his shoes and I'm burning up. So, I say whatever is on my mind to break the tension, something I've been wondering since I read the outline of his story, "have you always...liked guys?" Very well done, Sebastian. Way to make an emotional moment an awkward one.
"I've always liked whoever, I really am bi. It's about the person, not the parts, I guess."
I want to ask him something, something I'm not sure will come off as offensive or not, but somewhere in my mind it makes logical sense. Even if the idea of it happening makes my stomach twist a little bit. I don't want to say it's jealously, but...
"Why wouldn't you just be with a girl, then? If you were attracted to them? Wouldn't it be so much easier?" It makes perfect sense to me, if you have the option, why not take it? It wouldn't change how I feel about him - I'd still be attracted to him, bi or not - but maybe we wouldn't end up here, trying not to suffocate on the tension in the air we've created. Tanner's expression turns into one I can't describe. Confusion? Anger? Offence?
"That's not something you get to choose." Tanner looks at me with an almost disappointed expression and suddenly I want to take it all back and beg for forgiveness. I suppose, it's not that easy. If you could just choose one gender and completely ignore the other, I would've done that by now. I just said another dumb thing to Tanner, I'm kind of on a roll and not a good one. In a desperate attempt to move on from this topic and also try and make something of this situation beyond a confession I completely ignore, I finally tell Tanner something I haven't told anyone yet.
"I think...I've always liked guys." Tanner's eyes dart to my face. Probably trying to figure out if I'm messing with him or not. I get it, it's out of no where but I feel like he deserves to know. The tears are finally starting to appear and i just blink them away. "I mean, I know I have. I'm not even attracted to girls. I envy you that. I keep praying I will at some point...I've never said that out loud." Suddenly the cold wind against my skin starts to feel like how cold my room got when I realised I wasn't my family's picture perfect anymore. The tears start falling and it's not a pleasant feeling, remembering these things again. I stare at the sky, both to keep the tears at bay but also so I don't have to look at Tanner in the eyes. The reality of the situation hits me, I finally found someone who I like and they like me back but I'm not as happy as I was in all my dreams. I'm honestly terrified. "I can't tell if this feels good or terrible."
Tanner is silent and I'm watching the clouds above me move at a snail's pace. I know he's thinking about what to say, so I'll give him time. After what I said, we need to go about this a lot more carefully than what we were doing beforehand. I also need to pull myself together before I speak again.
"I can't tell you how good it feels that you trust me." I'm surprised at what he said and could laugh if I wasn't so emotional, because I can't begin to explain how good it feels to be able to trust someone like this for the first time. To like someone like this for the first time.
I give up on trying not to cry and face him again, but I'm in shambles and can't form any coherent sentences so all I can get out is, " yeah. But I've never...I mean, I've...wanted to, but never..."
Still, somehow, the genius that he is, Tanner immediately understands what I'm trying to say. "You've never been with a guy?"
All I can do is shake my head and say, "no. Nothing."
"I've kissed guys, but honestly...I've never felt like...this," and my heart almost bursts. Knowing that I hold some sort of special place in Tanner's heart and mind just as he does in mine, that I'm not just some other guy he has feelings for and can easily get over. Thinking about how Tanner makes me feel brings some sort of cloud over my head, some semblance of guilt.
"I tried to change," I admit, "And to not even let myself imagine how it would feel...being with..." I can't even say it. These feelings I have for Tanner are blissful and liking him is the happiest I've been but I still can't find it in myself to just say "being with a boy." I feel pathetic. I suck it up though, and continue, "but then I met you." I watch as Tanner's eyes widen just a bit, staring at me like I've just told him he won the lottery and I almost smile.
"The first time I saw you," he begins. I remember that, clear as day. Making eye contact with him and feeling like my heart was going to tear itself out of my body just to find its way into his arms. I don't say that though, instead I just let out a quiet "yeah," in acknowledgement.
"I never felt that way before," and I understand completely. So I respond, "me neither," and look at him for a bit, something I'm prone to doing anyway. What I felt seeing him for the first time was almost a work of fiction, something only written in romance novels. Though, I suppose those written feelings are based around real ones.
I can't tell you who leaned in first, whether it was me or Tanner, or both of us at the same time but, all of a sudden, we're kissing. We're kissing and his lips are like nothing I could've ever imagined but are everything I wanted. He makes an odd sound in his throat and I subconsciously make the same noise. Then I start laughing. Sort of because of the ridiculousness of the situation, something straight out of a romance movie. Sitting on a hill, away from our families and just kissing, like desperate teens who's only goals in life are to figure out how they can keep what they have forever. Which, I guess, we are. Or, I am right now. I'm also laughing because I'm just so happy. Kissing a boy for the first time and he just happens to be the best person ever. I pull away and I'm smiling, and I don't need a mirror to know I'm smiling wider than ever. Still, like the deprived and desperate boy I am, I lean in for another kiss and I rest my hands on his neck because the need to be close to Tanner is stronger than ever.
I've kissed before, though they were emotionless and done out of pure necessity to seem straight. To be accepted by my peers. This one though, I'm warm and I feel safe. I'm not hiding from anyone and, instead, I'm finally opening myself up to someone I trust. It's real - and I know I'm going to go through a lot to keep what I have with Tanner but I'm overcome with a wave of relief, because now I have Tanner and we're going to try our hardest to keep what we have and keep each other.