Chapter Text
What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. Jungkook had gotten a lot better at this throughout the years. It used to be a bit of a problem but now that he’s older, he feels better equipped at handling this urge. More mature and able to see things from another's point of view. So yeah, he would say he’s pretty much got it under control. Except when it comes to one thing. Or, more specifically, one person.
He’s not exactly sure when it happened. Guesses it didn’t actually happen all at once. More gradually, like a slow rain leading up to a storm. It started with him just admiring Namjoon because who wouldn’t. He knew that his admiration was apparent, didn’t really mind or think much about it.
But then more feelings started swirling inside him. He kept finding himself staring at Namjoon. And thinking how handsome he was. How pretty his eyes were and how perfect his dimples were when he smiled.
Namjoon would do something small like give his shoulder a squeeze and Jungkook would feel a flutter of something. He thought it was nothing at first, just happiness at receiving any kind of attention. But it would happen again, and that flutter would be there again. He tried to push it out of his mind. Tell himself that it was nothing to overthink and that the feeling would pass.
He did okay for a while. Nothing major happened and he thought he had gotten whatever it was out of his system. Just a little blip in his emotions he could move on from. He should have known better.
They were all at a party, having fun and relaxed with each other. Namjoon was there in a blue bomber, hair swept prettily off his forehead. Jimin had playfully stuck a heart sticker right over one of his dimples. He looked good. Jungkook tried to focus on something else. He talked with Hoseok, laughter and lightness in the air. Before he’d even realized Namjoon was behind him, he felt arms wrap around his waist. His breath hitched when he realized who the arms belonged to. Trying not to melt into the embrace, he swallowed loudly and hoped Namjoon didn’t hear him.
“I’m so glad we’re all here!” Namjoon had exclaimed.
Hoseok laughed and neither of them noticed Jungkook fighting to act normal. Just when he’d thought Namjoon was about to let go, he hooked his chin over Jungkook’s shoulder and gave him a squeeze. And then he just walked away. Like what he did wouldn’t be replaying in Jungkook’s mind for the next month. Hoseok continued talking and Jungkook tried to casually glance over at Namjoon. He was already laughing with Seokjin, unaware that he had just made Jungkook sure of something.
He tried to push it down. Felt guilty about having these feelings for a close friend. Someone he knows cares deeply about their friendship. And there are times when he is able to put it out of his mind. To just focus on the aspects of his life that are going his way. Like having great friends he can call family, moving out of his claustrophobic parent’s house and in with Jimin and Taehyung. Finally starting to feel more comfortable in his own skin.
He started to get tattoos, the permanence of the black ink feeling cathartic. Added more piercings to his look. Also started to feel like he’d finally found his own style, now feels good in the clothes he wears.
Time, being the strange thing that it is, moved forward. He graduated from college and moved through a couple jobs until he found one that he actually felt good about. He’s doing okay. Better than okay, really. There’s just one thing. Because even though time has moved forward, his feelings for Namjoon are still there. Preserved in amber and never changing.
The thought of telling anyone makes him feel ill. He knows Jimin and Taehyung would listen and be as understanding as they could be but it’s embarrassing. Especially now that he’s let it go on this long. Letting an innocent crush turn into so much more. No, he needs to keep this close to himself.
He vividly remembers the night Namjoon introduces her to the group. Remembers not realizing at first that Namjoon was introducing someone who was more than a friend. But then he looked at Namjoon. And Namjoon was looking at her. Looking at her with that look. The “stars in your eyes” look. It dawned on Jungkook and he felt his stomach drop. Felt hot and cold at the same time. He needed to get out of there, needed it all to end right there. But of course he couldn’t just leave and his mind wasn’t working enough to come up with an excuse. So he sat quietly, eyes on his lap and waited while painful minutes ticked by.
When he’d finally made it home that night, he’d crawled into bed and cried softly into his pillow. It felt dumb to cry at something he never had. Namjoon was never his to cry over but he couldn’t help it. Jimin found him the next morning but he still couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. He was relieved when Jimin just settled in next to him and gently finger combed his hair.
Her name is Dae. And she’s one of the nicest people Jungkook’s ever met. Of course she is. Namjoon would never choose someone who wasn’t. He sees why she attracted Namjoon’s attention. She’s witty and intelligent and looks like she belongs in a coffee shop reading a book about art history.
They all start to get to know her better and Jungkook can tell everyone likes her and agrees she’s perfect for Namjoon. She has her own friends and career so she only makes it to group outings here and there but everyone always likes it when she does. She’s so open and easy to talk to. Unlike Jungkook, who can be almost painfully shy at times. He tries hard not to compare himself to her. It gains him nothing but hurt and yet he still does it.
He continues on with life. There’s nothing to do about the way he feels. He just wants Namjoon to be happy and he is. And happiness looks good on Namjoon. Jungkook knows he’s struggled throughout the years with being happy so he deserves this.
And to his credit, Namjoon doesn’t turn into one of those people that starts dating someone and then only has time for them. He keeps up with everyone often and doesn't exclude them from his life in any way. Jungkook sometimes wonders if it would be easier if he did. Like maybe the sting would hurt a little less if Namjoon fell slowly out of his life. But then they’ll all hang out at someone's apartment or get dinner together and Jungkook knows that would just make him even sadder. He needs Namjoon in his life. Needs to see the way his eyes light up when he’s talking about a new project he’s working on or a new plant he’s bought. He sneaks peeks and hopes no one notices. No one needs to know that Jungkook let Namjoon place stars in his eyes a long time ago.
He’s not sure what he thought was going to happen. They had been together for a year and half. It’s natural that they would be thinking about next steps. So he feels dumb when Namjoon tells them that they are moving in together. He knew they weren’t going to break up but somehow moving in seems so…definite. This is really happening. They will live together and be happy together and be the reason that the other smiles.
Jungkook goes to the boxing gym late that night and stays for hours, working his muscles into a tired and aching state. When he finally slumps to the floor, sweat drips down his temples and his chest heaves. He chugs from his water and eyes the punching bag like it’s the cause of all his problems. Unwrapping his hands, he flexes and stretches them. Looking back up at the bag, he stands and approaches it. He stares at it for a couple moments and then all his frustrations take over. Lifting his arm, he pulls back and swings into the bag hard. He feels his knuckles split open, pain numbed by all his other emotions. Bites his lip and winces when he sees trickles of blood. Wiping his hand on his shorts, he looks at himself in the big mirror and sighs heavily.
He’s at lunch with Jimin the next day when he can’t help it.
“Hey, Jimin?”
“Yeah?”
Jimin looks up from his phone he was checking when Jungkook doesn’t answer. Jungkook stirs his noodles around and chews his lip. He takes a deep breath.
“Have you…have you ever wanted something you can’t have?”
Jimin tilts his head.
“I think most people have,” he chuckles.
“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” Jungkook sighs.
He takes a sip of his water and knows Jimin can tell he wants to say more.
“Have you ever wanted… someone you can’t have?” he asks quietly.
Jimin blinks at him and then looks off in thought.
“I guess? I mean, maybe I’ve had crushes that didn’t feel the same way? But I moved on easily enough so I suppose they weren’t that deep.”
Jimin’s eyebrows crease when he can tell it’s not the answer Jungkook was looking for.
“Is there…someone you-” he starts to ask gently.
“No, no,” Jungkook interrupts quickly.
“I mean…not really. I just- what would you do if you were in that situation? But it was, like, a really intense crush. Like, maybe crush isn’t even the right word anymore.”
Jimin searches Jungkook’s wide and begging eyes and nods understandingly.
“I don’t know, honestly. That’s a hard one. Would it hurt them if I told them how I felt?” Jimin asks, playing along with the pretend hypotheticals.
“Maybe. It would definitely make them see you differently.”
“Hmm, okay. I think I would still tell them?”
“You would?” Jungkook asks, surprised.
Jimin shrugs and smiles.
“Yeah, I think I would. Life’s too short. Of course, I wouldn’t want to hurt them but I would hope that we could talk it out either way. And if we needed to not be in each other’s lives anymore, it would hurt but I would be okay because I had friends who love and care about me,” Jimin says, adding the last part a bit pointedly.
Jungkook nods and tries to pretend the words don’t affect him as much as they do.
“That’s..yeah, that makes sense.”
“And besides, they clearly have questionable taste if they don’t want me,” Jimin adds with a huff.
Jungkook can’t help but laugh.
A couple of nights later, they’re all at a party. Jungkook didn’t really feel like going but figures it might take his mind off things. It doesn’t. And since Namjoon is there, it really doesn’t. Loud music is thumping through the speakers and the lights are low with the buzz of alcohol surrounding people. He tries to smile through it, tries to look like he’s having fun. After an hour, he needs a break. He weaves his way through the throngs of people and steps onto the balcony. The fresh air feels nice and lets him clear his mind. He takes a deep breath and looks out into the open night sky. He jumps when he hears a voice.
“Oops, sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you.”
Jungkook turns around and smiles. Watches as Namjoon walks up to stand next to him, his eyes smiling at Jungkook and then the moon that he turns to admire.
“Needed some air?” he asks.
“Yeah, was starting to feel a little claustrophobic in there,” Jungkook answers.
Namjoon nods understandingly.
“I get that,” he murmurs.
They watch the moon glitter in silence for a couple of moments. The music is quieter out here and Jungkook feels like he can actually think. He wonders if Namjoon feels the same.
“So how have you been? I feel like we haven’t talked in a bit,” Namjoon says.
He turns to lean on the balcony railing so he can look at Jungkook while they talk. It makes Jungkook feel special. Like whatever he has to say is important enough for Namjoon to pay attention to.
“I’m…okay. Work’s good so can’t complain there. Just, you know. Living life,” he shrugs.
All he wants is Namjoon’s attention and now that he has it, that’s what he says? He internally curses at himself but Namjoon just smiles.
“I’m glad work is going well. You have complaints about another part of your life?” he asks.
Jungkook looks at him with questioning eyes.
“You said “work’s good so can’t complain there.” I was just wondering…you don’t have to tell me of course…”
“Oh, yeah. I…I just- I don’t know. I just feel stuck sometimes.”
Namjoon tilts his head to show he’s listening and waits for Jungkook to continue.
“I have this great job and great friends and finally feel like I’m in a good place. But I still feel stuck. It’s like my body has moved on to this phase of my life where I’m doing good but my mind hasn’t caught up yet.”
“Does that make any sense?” he asks, searching Namjoon’s eyes.
“Yeah, it does. I felt like that for a long time. Like my mind had made itself up long ago and wouldn’t let me just enjoy the now.”
“Exactly! H-how did you move past that?”
Namjoon looks off into the distance and thinks.
“I think I started listening to myself more. Letting myself know it’s okay to be happy. And it’s okay to be sad, too. But not letting the sadness overtake the happiness. We’re human beings. We need both.”
“It’s hard, sometimes,” Jungkook murmurs.
“It is,” Namjoon agrees.
Jungkook chews on his lip and looks down at his hands gripping the railing.
“You deserve all the happiness in the world, Jungkook. You’re a good person. Your mind will catch up, I promise.”
Jungkook smiles and looks up at Namjoon but can’t hold the eye contact for more than a couple seconds.
“Thanks,” he says softly.
Namjoon reaches out and gives his hand a squeeze. Jungkook winces and Namjoon draws back quickly. He tries to pull his hand back before Namjoon can see but he’s too slow. Namjoon takes his hand and holds it up to the light for a better look.
“What happened?” he asks, eyeing the red and now scabbed skin.
“Nothing. Just a couple cuts,” Jungkook answers quickly.
Namjoon runs the pad of his finger gingerly over the knuckles and Jungkook tries not to react. Jungkook stares at Namjoon while he examines his hand, taking advantage of the opportunity to have him this close. His eyes widen when Namjoon's lips move close to the cracked skin. He feels like he’s in a trance as he watches Namjoon part his lips and blow a gentle puff of warm air over his skin. Jungkook feels like the small amount of warmth is enough to spread throughout his entire body.
“All better, right?” Namjoon says, looking up at him with a smile.
Jungkook gulps and tries to school his expression.
“Y-yeah. All better,” he says more quietly than he means.
Namjoon grins at him and gently lets his hand go. He turns to go back inside, looking back at Jungkook when he doesn’t follow.
“Just need a couple more minutes,” Jungkook swallows.
Namjoon nods and gives him one last smile before disappearing inside.
Yoongi’s birthday is coming up and they all start pestering him about what he wants. He waves them off each time and acts like he doesn’t want anything. Finally, they get him to agree to dinner but he insists they order in and just chill at one of their places.
“How about your place, Joon?” Yoongi asks a couple days later at a coffee shop.
Jungkook feels his shoulders tense and hates himself for it. Namjoon and Dae do have a nice place but spending time in their shared space isn’t exactly easy for him.
Namjoon takes a sip of his coffee and thinks for a second.
“Yeah, we could do that. Dae will be gone on a business trip but she never minds everyone coming over,” he nods, taking out his phone to text her.
Jungkook looks down at his hands in his lap and messes with a loose thread on the sleeve of his hoodie. Lost in his thoughts, he vaguely registers Yoongi getting up to order another coffee.
“Hey, do you have any idea what you’re getting him?” Namjoon whispers and Jungkook’s head snaps up.
Namjoon has leaned forward and he’s so close that Jungkook can see the conspiratorial way his eyes are lit up, grinning while he waits for Jungkook’s answer.
“Uhh, what?”
Namjoon laughs and nods towards Yoongi.
“For his birthday present. I know he says he doesn’t want anything but it’s all an act.”
Jungkook tries to think of something, honestly anything, to say but the way Namjoon is leaning so close to him has his mind going fuzzy.
“I-I guess I hadn’t really…I know he likes tech stuff,” Jungkook finally manages to answer.
“That’s what I was thinking!” Namjoon exclaims excitedly, somehow moving even closer in.
“I thought maybe a new pair of noise canceling headphones? I know they’re kinda expensive but I found a great pair on sale. And he never treats himself to anything. He deserves this.”
Jungkook smiles at Namjoon’s kind words and heart.
“That’s great. He’d love those.”
“We could go in on them together if you’d want to?” Namjoon offers.
“No, no. They were your idea. I’ll think of something.”
“You sure? Here, let me show you them,” Namjoon says, scrolling through his phone.
He glances at Yoongi still in line, and back to his phone, holding it up for Jungkook to see.
“Oh, those are nice,” Jungkook murmurs when he sees the sleek headphones Namjoon has pulled up.
He glances over at Yoongi too, and then swipes through the various pictures of the headphones while Namjoon holds the phone for him.
“I think he would like this color,” he says, showing Namjoon the dark blue, almost black color option.
Namjoon looks closer at the phone between them and nods enthusiastically.
“He definitely would.”
“Oh, and you can get them engraved,” Jungkook reads excitedly.
“Come on, let’s do it together,” Namjoon grins, giving Jungkook’s knee a squeeze.
The words combined with Namjoon’s hand on his knee turn Jungkook’s cheeks crimson and he hopes to heaven that Namjoon doesn’t notice.
“I mean, if you really wouldn’t mind,” he squeaks out.
“Of course I wouldn’t,” Namjoon says, looking down at his phone again and, like always, oblivious to Jungkook’s inner turmoil.
Namjoon opens his mouth to say something but stops and pulls his phone back when he sees Yoongi heading back over with his coffee.
“Let’s talk more about it later,” he whispers with a wink that has Jungkook almost falling off his chair.
Namjoon texts him later that night, when he’s already in bed. He turns from his computer screen where he was watching an anime to his phone, smiling when he sees Namjoon’s name. They decide the dark blue color is definitely the one and go back and forth on the engraving before deciding on Yoongi’s initials in a classic, simple font.
Jungkook chews his lip in a smile at his phone. He knows it’s just two friends going in on a gift together. But it’s Namjoon and him together. And he’ll take any minute thing that has them together. Namjoon and him who now have a secret together, however tiny and inconsequential it might be.
He gets to Namjoon’s place early the night of Yoongi’s birthday. Since they had ordered the headphones to be directly delivered to Namjoon’s, he hasn’t seen them yet. Another aspect of their little secret that had Jungkook taking time to style his hair and pick a pair of earrings that skimmed his jawline nicely. He almost takes them right back off when he realizes he's sort of dressed up for a casual birthday dinner but decides to keep them on. He just wants to look nice tonight. No one needs to know the reason why.
When Namjoon opens the door, Jungkook tries not to let his eyes travel over him. He’s wearing a black t-shirt and loose black pants but he’s styled them with a pendant necklace and silver watch. He looks so effortlessly attractive that Jungkook blinks rapidly in an attempt to pull himself together.
“Come in, come in!” Namjoon exclaims, taking his wrist and pulling him through the door.
“They look so cool! He’s gonna love them,” Namjoon says, leading the way to the living room.
Jungkook follows, absentmindedly tracing his fingers over where Namjoon had just touched him.
“Ta-da!” Namjoon singsongs, presenting a box to Jungkook.
Jungkook’s eyes widen and he takes the box excitedly.
“Oh, wow they look so nice!”
The cover of the box is a clear plastic so the headphones are visible without having to open the box. The dark blue of them nestled against a white tray looks lux and the simple initials are subtle and pretty.
“Right? I was so excited when they got delivered. I wanted to send you a picture right away but I thought it would just be better to wait and have you see them in person. I’m not very good at wrapping but I thought you might be. I know I have some wrapping paper around here somewhere…”
Jungkook can’t help the smitten grin that crosses his face at Namjoon’s ramblings, watching him as he wanders off into another room in search of the paper. He sets the box down on the couch and unzips his bag to pull something out.
“What’s that?” Namjoon asks with a curious grin when he walks back into the living room.
“Just something small to add. I just-you know, the headphones were really your idea and I thought I should contribute something,” Jungkook shrugs, the words sounding dumb to him.
He holds up Yoongi’s favorite chocolate bar for Namjoon to see.
“You did contribute! It’s our gift to him, Kook.”
Jungkook chews his lip and nods.
“Okay.”
“Oh, I umm-got you one, too,” he mumbles, almost throwing the bar at Namjoon in embarrassment.
He really had meant to just get the one for Yoongi but then he had remembered Joon saying it was his favorite, too. He couldn’t help himself and hastily grabbed a second one, telling himself he was just being a nice friend.
Namjoon fumbles with the roll of wrapping paper,scissors and tape he’s carrying as he catches the chocolate clumsily.
“Oh, hey I love these! Thanks, Kook,” he grins.
“It’s nothing. I just- yeah.”
Namjoon hands the wrapping supplies to him and settles on the floor as Jungkook sits on the couch and starts to unroll the paper. Jungkook places the box the headphones are in carefully over the unrolled paper and adds the chocolate bar on top. Namjoon rips open his chocolate as he works, watching with wide eyes as Jungkook begins to meticulously fold the corners sharply.
“How are you so good at that? I can never get mine to look like that no matter how hard I try,” Namjoon says, popping a piece of chocolate into his mouth.
Jungkook shrugs and then straightens his shoulders seriously.
“It’s a real gift that’s taken years to perfect.”
Namjoon laughs and Jungkook warms at the sound.
“So that means I can call you whenever I need a gift wrapped, right?”
“Absolutely,” he nods.
“You can call me for anything,” his mouth adds without his brain giving it permission.
He feels his ears turn red and clears his throat but Namjoon just chuckles and continues with his chocolate. Jungkook finishes folding the corners and picks up the tape.
“Hold up your hand?” he asks.
Namjoon looks confused for a moment but holds his hand out to Jungkook. Ripping a piece of tape, he places it on Namjoon’s fingertip. He tears four more and adds them to Namjoon’s fingers.
“That should be enough,” he says.
He starts to tape everything down, Namjoon patiently holding his hand out every time he needs a piece.
Once he’s done, he looks at his work and nods. He picks it up to make sure all corners are covered and then holds it out for Namjoon.
“Look okay?”
“Perfect,” Namjoon smiles.
Namjoon begins to wrap up his chocolate but stops.
“Want some?” he asks.
“Oh, umm. Sure,” Jungkook nods.
Namjoon breaks off a piece and Jungkook almost starts to reach for it but then sees Namjoon's hand isn’t moving to pass it to him. With a small square of chocolate between his fingers, his hand goes up to Jungkook’s mouth.
Jungkook looks between Namjoon and the chocolate and hopes his eyes aren’t as wide as they feel. Namjoon nods encouragingly and Jungkook tries not to gulp. He slowly moves in and opens his lips, letting Namjoon place the chocolate in his mouth. Its sweetness hits his taste buds immediately but what's even sweeter is when Namjoon's fingertips brush minutely on his lips as he pulls away.
“Good, right?” Namjoon grins.
Jungkook nods slowly, heart racing in his chest.
The doorbell rings and he jumps, almost knocking the box off the couch.
“Here we go!” Namjoon says excitedly, getting up quickly to put away the wrapping supplies.
Jungkook stands up and takes a deep breath, willing any residual blush to go down. Namjoon gives his arm a squeeze as he passes to get to the door.
“Don’t worry, I know he’ll love it,” Namjoon says, giving misguided reassurance.
Jimin is the first to show up, looking a little surprised to see Jungkook already there. He bustles in and immediately gets to blowing up number balloons and hanging gold streamers. Hoseok and Tae arrive next and start to help with the decorations, Seokjin trailing in after them. Namjoon puts on some music and Jungkook feels happy at seeing all his friends together. It’s not like they never hang out together anymore, it’s just a bit less frequent with everyone now focused on careers and other relationships.
A roll of soft streamers bops Jungkook in the head and he blinks in surprise.
“You just gonna stand there?” Tae says jokingly, laughing when Jungkook tackles him to the couch.
“Stop! You almost popped the balloons,” Jimin squawks, quickly picking up the remaining balloons.
Jungkook and Tae look at each other and giggle as Jimin huffs at them.
“Did you already order the food, Namjoon?” Jimin asks, still glaring at the two.
“I’ll do it now,” Namjoon says, sitting down on the edge of the couch and pulling out his phone.
“What does everyone want?”
A chorus of voices name off different entrees and sides, Namjoon adding items as quickly as he can to the order.
Jungkook doesn’t know what possesses him but he leans forward and rests his chin on Namjoon’s shoulder, watching as Namjoon continues to scroll through the menu for everyone’s requests.
Namjoon reaches up and ruffles Jungkook’s hair, making tingles erupt down his spine.
“Anything you want to add?” Namjoon asks.
“I think they pretty much got everything covered,” Jungkook murmurs with a giggle that isn’t supposed to sound as breathy as it does.
Namjoon laughs and nods, making sure Yoongi’s favorites are added before pressing the order button.
“What time did you tell Yoongi to get here?” Seokjin asks.
“At 7:00,” Namjoon answers, checking his watch.
Jungkook realizes he’s still on Namjoon’s shoulder, regretfully pulling away from him. They’ve all been friends for so long, skinship isn’t something out of the ordinary but there’s always a part of Jungkook that is scared one of them is going to look over at him one day and his crush will be painfully obvious.
They all run around, adding last minute touches to everything. Jimin almost loses it when Taehyung really does pop a balloon, making Hoseok shriek and clutch his heart. Everyone laughs as Jimin curses and blows up a replacement.
The group chat pings and everyone checks their phone to see Yoongi say he’s here and on his way up.
The bell rings and Namjoon flings open the door, a chorus of happy birthdays and cheers greeting him. Yoongi tries to look perturbed at the attention but a grin breaks through.
“Surprise!” Tae yells, bounding over to give Yoongi a hug.
“What do you mean surprise? I already knew about this,” Yoongi rolls his eyes lightheartedly.
“You didn’t know about the amazing decorations and presents we have, though,” Tae pouts.
“Wait, I thought I agreed to this on the one condition of no presents,” Yoongi says with narrowed eyes.
“We ignored you,” Jimin states with a shrug.
Yoongi grumbles as they all spread out in the living room. The music plays quietly in the background as they start to talk, catching each other up on their lives. The doorbell rings again with the food, Namjoon apologizing to the delivery guy about all the bags and containers.
“Should we put on a movie or something?” Namjoon asks as they set up all the containers on the large coffee table in the middle of the room.
“No, I like this. Let’s just keep talking,” Yoongi says, gesturing around all of them.
Taehyung gasps in mock surprise.
“You like us?”
“No,” Yoongi says flatly but then his eyes soften.
“Missed you guys,” he shrugs, trying to make the statement casual.
Jimin coos and Yoongi throws a balled up napkin at him as they all start to dig into the food. They eat and talk and laugh, Jungkook relaxing into the feeling of comfort and happiness his friends bring him. And usually he keeps his glances at Namjoon to a minimum but tonight he can’t help himself. He watches the way Namjoon laughs at the stories being told, the way his eyes widen and his dimples go on full display. How his Adam's apple bobs when he takes a sip of his drink. Jungkook wants to stare at him forever.
When he looks over at him for what feels like the 50th time, Namjoon glances back. Namjoon grins at him and Jungkook’s breath hitches. He’s had years of practice at hiding his feelings, he doesn’t understand why they seem to be getting the best of him tonight.
After they finish eating, Jimin announces it’s present time and Yoongi groans but Jungkook doesn’t miss the curious gleam in his eyes.
They all scoot in closer and bring out bags and boxes, setting them in front of Yoongi and staring at him expectantly. He blinks at them.
“Am I making a speech or something?”
“I mean , if you want to go around and explain how much you love each of us…”Jimin is cut off when Yoongi grabs a bag.
“Okay, okay, I’ll start opening them,” he interrupts.
His eyes get softer and softer as he begins to open everything, a new sweater from Hoseok, a pendant from Jimin, a cardholder from Tae and a cookbook from Seokjin.
While he’s still flipping through the cookbook, Namjoon nudges Jungkook and winks at him. He pulls their present from behind the couch and places it next to Yoongi.
“And this one is from Jungkook and I.”
Yoongi looks at the nicely wrapped box with wide eyes.
“Wow, did you like, get this professionally wrapped or something?” he asks, picking up the box and examining it.
“No, that’s all Jungkook,” Namjoon grins, making Jungkook blush.
Yoongi nods appreciatively and starts to tear the wrapping away. He gets to the chocolate first and grins.
“My favorite.”
He sets the bar aside and lets the paper fall away from the box. He stares at the box and then looks from Namjoon to Jungkook with wide eyes.
“No way…”
Jungkook grins as Namjoon laughs at Yoongi’s dumb founded expression.
“I’ve been looking at these. They’re supposed to be amazing. I- wow, thank you guys!” Yoongi exclaims.
Everyone gathers closer to him to get a look, Hoseok letting out a low whistle.
“Damn, those are nice. You guys got a joint bank account or something,” Hoseok teases.
Jungkook blushes and tries not to look over at Namjoon.
“Oh, yeah. Jungkook and I have a lot of secrets together,” Namjoon says playfully, making everyone laugh.
The words make Jungkook’s stomach flip and he whips his head around to Namjoon but he’s not even looking at him, attention having gone back to Yoongi. Jungkook tears his eyes away and tries to focus on Yoongi again, too.
He watches with a smile as Yoongi tries on the headphones, pulling out his phone to connect them.
“Wow, they sound amazing,” Yoongi yells, unable to hear the laughs of everyone else as he plays around with the settings.
Jungkook can’t help it and looks happily over at Namjoon. Namjoon grins at him again and Jungkook feels like cotton candy, floaty and sweet.
“Okay, one last thing,” Jimin announces, getting up as Yoongi protests.
Jimin comes back with the cake he had placed in Namjoon’s fridge earlier, Taehyung trailing behind him with a bottle of champagne and plastic champagne flutes. They all start in on a loud rendition of happy birthday as Jimin lights the candles, Yoongi only able to hold his frown for a couple seconds before he’s chuckling at them.
“Make a wish!” Hoseok practically screams, startling everyone.
They all look at him and then burst into laughter. Yoongi closes his eyes, nodding after a moment and blows out the candles. Jimin starts to dole out slices as Taehyung pours drinks. They all start talking and eating again, the warmth of friendship making Jungkook feel relaxed. He downs his champagne and holds his glass out to Tae for more. Tae laughs and nods, pouring him a healthy amount. The alcohol slips down his throat and starts to make him feel starry, thoughts falling away.
The edges of everything soften as it gets late into the night. Jungkook lets his eyes wander over to Namjoon more and more, champagne making him less restrictive. Namjoon looks lovely and happy and it makes Jungkook want to go over and kiss him in front of everyone. He shakes his head slightly. Those thoughts need to be reigned in. Always kept inside.
After another half hour, Seokjin and Hoseok say they need to get going. They say bye to everyone and wish Yoongi happy birthday again, Namjoon walking them to the door. The four of them stay at the door for a moment, talking. Jungkook watches Namjoon’s back, eyes snapping away when he realizes Jimin is talking to him.
“What do you say, Jungkookie? Should we head out soon, too?”
Jungkook glances back at Namjoon.
“Umm, I don’t know. I-I wouldn’t mind staying a bit longer,” he mumbles.
Jimin chuckles and rubs his eyes.
“Up to you.”
Namjoon and Yoongi join them again, Jungkook’s heart picking up speed when Namjoon plops down next to him.
One thing leads to another and somehow the five of them end up playing a couple rounds of cards against humanity, some answers making them howl with laughter. The early morning hours are creeping up when they finish another round and Jimin and Tae stand up and stretch to leave. Yoongi thanks them for everything and grumbles when they sandwich him in a hug.
“You guys can stay over if you want, no problem at all,” Namjoon offers after the door closes again.
“Actually, I should probably get home, too,” Yoongi says with a yawn.
“Okay,” Namjoon nods.
“Oh wait! Let’s pack up cake and leftovers for you.”
The three of them go to the kitchen and box up the last few pieces of Yoongi’s cake and place the leftovers together in a plastic container.
Jungkook walks with Yoongi to put his jacket on while Namjoon bags all his presents and food.
“Hey, I really do love the headphones. Oh and the chocolate! Thank you so much. It was so thoughtful,” Yoongi says.
“It was mostly Namjoon’s idea,” Jungkook admits.
He looks behind Yoongi’s shoulder into the kitchen where Namjoon is.
“He’s really something,” he adds with a sigh, a soft smile playing on his lips.
It takes his hazy mind a second to realize Yoongi is looking curiously at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. Yoongi glances behind himself and then back at Jungkook.
“Yeah, he’s great,” Yoongi says slowly, eyes still searching Jungkook’s face.
Jungkook clears his throat just as Namjoon enters the living room again.
“I think I got everything as condensed as I could,” Namjoon says.
“Great, thanks. I was just telling Jungkook how much I love your gift. It means a lot,” Yoongi says with a shrug.
“Of course. We wanted to do something nice for you. We love you” Namjoon grins.
Yoongi’s eyes mist over for a split second and then he blinks and shakes his head. He gruffly asks Jungkook to help fill his arms with bags and Jungkook laughs, the previous moment forgotten.
They wave him off and wish him one last happy birthday. Namjoon closes the door and heads back to the kitchen to put away the bottle with the remnants of champagne that Yoongi had refused to take.
Now Jungkook really finds himself being the last one there. The champagne has mostly worn off but there’s still enough left to give everything he sees a slight shimmer. He can’t tell if he made sure he was the last one there on purpose or not. Probably.
Music is still playing from the speakers but it’s moved on to a different playlist, a softer and more sensual one. A low bass moves through the room and finds him, that last bit of alcohol making him start to swivel his hips slowly to the beat. It feels good to let the music take over his body and let his thoughts leave him be for a moment.
He closes his eyes and allows the music to take him around the room, eyes still closed. His hips continue their movements and he moves his arms in pretty, soft waves along with the beat. He sighs happily at the weightless feeling of his body.
When his eyes flutter open, he sees Namjoon watching him. He’s leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest and giving Jungkook an affectionate smile.
Under normal circumstances, this would send Jungkook’s heart and nerves alight. But in the calming blanket of the night mixed with the music and how it makes him feel, he decides to just let himself enjoy Namjoon’s eyes on him. So he keeps dancing slowly around the room, a smile playing on his lips at having Namjoon’s attention all to himself.
He knows he moves prettily, knows he can dance. Shies away when people compliment him but also blushes because he knows it’s true. His hips move even slower, fitting with the beat perfectly. Spins gracefully on his tip toes and glides a hand through his hair.
Jungkook doesn’t know what it is that makes him reach out. The way Namjoon’s smile makes him feel combined with the music and the rare occasion of it being just the two of them, he guesses. But as he spins by, he smoothly takes Namjoon’s hands and pulls gently. Namjoon laughs, making Jungkook’s smile widen. He lets himself be pulled easily and Jungkook feels victorious.
Jungkook stops them in the middle of the room.
“Dance with me,” he smiles at Namjoon.
Namjoon laughs and folds his shoulders in self -consciously.
“I can’t - you know I’m not very good at dancing,” he says, casting his eyes down.
“I don’t know that,” Jungkook says softly.
“It’s just us,” he adds, watching Namjoon carefully.
He hesitates for a moment but it seems his hands really have a mind of their own tonight. He places them gently on Namjoon’s hips. Namjoon jolts slightly, surprised at the touch but doesn’t back away.
“Just need to feel the music,” Jungkook murmurs.
Namjoon looks at him with an unsure expression and Jungkook starts to wonder if he should stop.
“Feel the music,” Namjoon repeats, still not moving away.
It’s enough for Jungkook.
He nods and smiles. Holds Namjoon’s hips a bit tighter and begins to move them to the rhythm of the music slowly. Butterflies start to build up that Namjoon is letting himself be moved like this.
He continues the movements and begins to move his hips too, body loosening to the music. He looks between them and watches his hands on Namjoon’s hips, marveling a little bit at the sight. When he looks back up, Namjoon is looking at him with curious eyes. He can’t say anything without too many truths coming out so he just gives him a soft smile.
The song changes, still slow and sultry in tone.
“I like this song,” Jungkook sighs contentedly.
“Me too,” Namjoon says softly.
“Yeah?” Jungkook grins.
Namjoon is still not moving away. He’s still right here in front of Jungkook. Still here looking gorgeous in the warm light that washes through the room.
“See, you can dance,” Jungkook says with a twinkle in his eye.
Namjoon laughs.
“Are we really dancing, though?”
Jungkook chews his lip. He takes his hands away from Namjoon’s hips and wraps his arms around Namjoon’s shoulders. Namjoon blinks at him and hesitates for a moment. Jungkook thinks he might be daydreaming because after a second, he places his hands very gently on Jungkook’s waist.
“Now we are,” Jungkook says quietly, half afraid that anything louder will break the moment.
They sway to the music and Jungkook feels like his heart is on fire. He’s still afraid any tiny movement or sound will snap Namjoon out of it but he has to look. Glancing up slowly, he lets his eyes travel over Namjoon’s face and land on his eyes. Namjoon looks back at him and smiles gently. It almost takes Jungkook’s breath away at how lovely he looks. Tan skin practically glowing and pretty eyes focused, a slight question still there.
And all the years, all the pining is too much. Wanting something with someone that he knows is not his to want is tiring. He’s so tired of it. He’s also mad at himself for being tired of it. He has nobody to blame but himself. But in this moment, this little crystalline moment that he wasn’t expecting tonight, it’s just him and Namjoon. And all the wanting breaks through like water rushing out of a dam.
He tilts his head up and closes the small space between them. His lips land softly on Namjoon’s and, for one entrancing moment, they are sharing the same breath. For one moment, Jungkook feels weightless with Namjoon’s plush lips the only thing keeping him grounded. But because they don’t live in Jungkook’s daydreams, everything comes crashing down.
Namjoon pulls away and takes a step back, eyes wide with surprise. Jungkook already misses the warmth of having him so close and it takes his brain a second to fully realize what he’s just done. When he does, he almost feels sick. No, does feel sick.
“I- I’m sorry. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I don’t-. I didn’t mean-please. Please,” he panics, not even sure what he’s saying please for.
Probably for the universe to rewind what just happened. Or at least fast forward through this part.
Namjoon’s mouth opens but no words come out. He takes in Jungkook’s panic stricken face and his expression softens. And Jungkook hates it.
“Jungkook…” he says gently.
There it is. The “Oh you have feelings but I don’t” pity on his face. Seeing that pity on Namjoon’s pretty face makes him want to dry heave. His body finally decides to move when he feels moisture start to sting at his eyes. Namjoon can’t see him cry on top of all this.
He runs for the door.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers into the room one more time.
As the front door slams behind him, he can’t tell if it’s his longing imagination or if it’s real when he hears Namjoon call his name.
Days pass and Jungkook tries his best to stop replaying the events of that night in his head. The embarrassment and sadness has dulled a tiny bit but he’s still raw from it all.
When he had gotten back home that night, he had fallen into bed and cried until his eyes were swollen and red. Not just from the mortification of it all, but from the possibility that he also may have ruined their friendship. Even though he couldn’t have Namjoon the way he wanted, having him as a friend was the second best.
There was also a sense of finality that made a fresh wave of sadness wash over him. Since he had never tried anything like that before, there was always a small part of him that thought there was miniscule possibility he had a chance. Namjoon hadn’t ever shown any interest in guys before. He knew it was wishful thinking but now he feels like he knows without a doubt. Namjoon won’t kiss him back just how he wants, whisper he feels the same in Jungkook’s ear.
And there’s also a small part of him that feels guilty. Guilty because, when he thinks back to that moment, there’s still a weak flutter of butterflies. He kissed Namjoon. He got to feel what it was like to have Namjoon’s lips on his. So even if he really has ruined everything, he’ll still have that. And he’s already treasuring that more than he wants to admit to himself.
“Hey, let’s invite everyone over this weekend. It was so great seeing everyone last time,” Jimin says while Jungkook works on his laptop at the table.
He stops typing immediately and looks up with wide eyes.
“Yeah! Let’s do it,” Taehyung says from the couch, where he’s curled up watching t.v.
Everyone. Everyone means Namjoon.
“Great. I’ll tell the group chat,” Jimin says excitedly.
He looks over at Jungkook and sees his expression.
“You good?” he says with a laugh as he pulls out his phone.
Jungkook gulps.
“Yeah, fine. Umm- I might not be able to make it. You know, busy,” he waves vaguely at his laptop.
Like that even explains anything. He gulps again.
Jimin raises his eyebrows.
“Okkkaayy,” JImin drags out.
Jungkook chews on his lip and squeezes at his hands nervously, Jimin still watching him.
“Are you mad at someone or something?”
“No!” Jungkook exclaims louder than he means.
Now Taehyung raises up and looks over at him. Great. Now he’s just making a scene.
“I’ll just have to see,” he finally sighs out.
Jimin and Taehyung look at each other. He can tell Jimin wants to say something more but thankfully seems to decide to let it go.
“Okay, of course,” he replies.
He sends the invite to their group chat and pings start coming in with everyone’s replies. Jungkook can’t help the small twinge of disappointment when Namjoon doesn’t reply.
Jungkook manages to somehow get through the week, his workload bigger than he thought it would be. At least it serves as a distraction from his mind always wondering to Namjoon.
He sleeps in on Saturday, feeling lucky at just being able to lay in bed once his eyes finally do open. He has a bowl of cereal, cleans his room and does his laundry. He likes the way the mindless tasks keep his hands moving as he listens to one of his favorite playlists.
Once he’s done, he looks around his spotless room proudly. He deflates a little when he realizes he still feels restless. He checks the time. Jimin had told everyone they could start showing up around 7 and it’s getting close to that. He thinks about it and then shrugs to himself. It’s not like everyone will show up exactly at 7 and they certainly don’t need him to start the evening.
Slipping into his shoes, he stuffs his keys and phone into his hoodie pocket and earbuds in his ears.
“Where are you going?” Jimin says before he makes it out the door.
“Just for a walk. Need fresh air,” he answers.
Jimin squints his eyes slightly but nods with a shrug.
“Stay safe!” he calls as Jungkook opens the front door.
He gives Jimin a salute and walks out into the cool air.
Walking slowly through their neighborhood, he lets his thoughts wonder as he listens to his calming playlist. The playlist that mostly has songs he’s heard Namjoon talk about. He would die of embarrassment if anyone knew but it makes him feel closer to Namjoon. Like maybe, at some point in time, they could both be listening to the same song.
Leaves crunch under his feet as he walks along, the sun settling in for the night. He tries not to let his mind go to Namjoon but it does. He thinks back to the kiss. The memory is starting to fade slightly but it’s still there enough to make his cheeks flush. He kissed Namjoon. He shouldn't have but he did and now he knows. Knows that Namjoon’s lips are just as soft as they look.
He walks longer than he means but likes the calmness of being alone for a while. Checking his watch, he decides to start heading back before Jimin throws a fit. Trudging back, it starts to drizzle lightly but he doesn’t mind. He lets the small drops fall down his face. By the time he’s at their front door again, the collar of his hoodie is damp and his hair is wet with droplets.
He can already hear laughter when he pushes the door open. Everyone looks up at him from their various spots around the small living room but his eyes immediately go to one person.
“I didn’t know you would be here,” he blurts out, blushing with embarrassment immediately afterward.
“Well, yeah. I invited him,” Jimin says, looking a bit insulted on Namjoon’s behalf.
Namjoon looks up at Jungkook from his spot on the couch.
“I texted Jimin I could make it last minute,” he murmurs almost…apologetically?
Jungkook’s heart falls into his stomach. Namjoon is not the one who did anything wrong. Not even remotely. And here he is being more patient than Jungkook deserves.
His mouth opens to spill out apologies but then he becomes painfully aware everyone’s eyes are on him and he’s making a scene yet again.
“Yeah, totally! That’s great. Glad you’re here,” he stumbles out.
“Glad you’re all here,” he amends quickly.
“I’m, ah, going to go rinse off,” he says, ignoring the way Seokjin and Taehyung are now snickering at him.
By some saving grace, the doorbell rings and Jimin jumps up.
“Pizza!” he says excitedly and everyone’s attention moves to the food.
Jungkook quietly inches his way through, keeping his eyes cast down. He moves to exit the room and scramble up the stairs. He’s not sure what possesses him but right before he turns, he glances at Namjoon one more time. Namjoon is still in his spot on the couch, eyes looking right back at him.
Jungkook showers quickly but then stares at his closet. He shakes his head to clear it. If he comes down in anything other than something casual, he’s pretty sure Seokjin will have no problem pointing it out. He settles on black sweats and a black thermal. Normally he would just throw on a hoodie but the thermal shows off his arms nicely. And Namjoon being downstairs in his living room has nothing to do with his choice.
When he finally rejoins the group, everyone is engrossed in cheering on Jimin and Yoongi as they play a video game on the television. He goes to grab two slices of pizza and has a small panic attack while he tries to decide the best place to sit. The only open spaces are next to Namjoon and Jimin but Jimin’s wiggling around so much, there seems like a good chance he’ll knock Jungkook’s pizza right off his plate.
He takes a deep breath and tries to slip in casually next to Namjoon. He’s half scared Namjoon is going to get up and move but of course he doesn’t. He just shoots Jungkook a small smile and goes back to watching the television, laughing along with the others.
Jungkook nibbles at a slice nervously but then realizes he actually is hungry and starts to really eat. He also starts to relax, his embarrassing comments from earlier forgotten by everybody. They pass around the controllers so everyone has a go, Jungkook forgoing his to finish eating. The controller is passed to Namjoon, who takes it but then just stares at the animations on the screen.
“Yeah, I don’t really know how to play this,” he says sheepishly.
They all laugh but Yoongi shakes his head when Namjoon attempts to hand the controller back.
“Try it! Jungkook can help you, this is his favorite game anyway. You’ll pick it up quick,” Yoongi says with a jut of his chin in Jungkook’s direction.
Namjoon glances over at Jungkook’s wide eyes.
“He’s still eating,” Namjoon replies, eyes lingering on him.
Jungkook stuffs the last bites in his mouth and chews quickly.
“I’m done,” he muffles around a mouthful.
Everyone laughs and Jungkook tries the impossible feat of controlling his blush. He moves to put his plate on the coffee table.
“This should be easy,” he hears Seokjin mutter under his breath.
The competitive side of Jungkook perks up at hearing this and he focuses on the screen as the game starts. Namjoon knows the basics of how to get started but starts to look lost pretty quickly. He throws a helpless glance over at Jungkook when he almost dies.
Jungkook reaches over tentatively and shows Namjoon how to maneuver his character. His finger brushes against Namjoon’s thumb and the tiny touch sends sparks up his arm. He gulps and hopes Namjoon doesn’t hear him.
“This way, this way!” Jungkook shouts giddily as Seokjin curses.
His want/need to win had provided a distraction from his nerves and without noticing, he had inched closer and closer to Namjoon. They laugh at Seokjin’s indignant shouts and Jungkook feels so relieved, like maybe everything can just be normal again.
Jungkook has one more trick up his sleeve to help them win. He leans in and whispers it close to Namjoon’s ear so Seokjin doesn’t see it coming. Namjoon listens but gives him a confused head tilt when he pulls away.
It endears Jungkook so much that he just grins at him for a moment. His nerves return slightly when he moves his arm so it’s over Namjoon’s, fingers on top of his too. He controls their character perfectly, moving his hands skillfully and making Namjoon’s flow with his. Jungkook finds himself wishing he had worn a t-shirt so he could feel Namjoon’s skin on his.
“And like this…” he murmurs under his breath, leaning in even more.
Namjoon looks from Jungkook’s hand over his to the screen. With one last sequence of button presses, they win and everyone else erupts in cheers and jabs.
And Jungkook would have too if it wasn’t for Namjoon and him turning to look at each other at the same exact time. Their eyes meet and Jungkook realizes how close he’s scooted into Namjoon’s space. His hand is still over his, too. He starts to pull it away but all that does is drag his fingertips over the veins in Namjoon’s hand.
The memory of what he did last time they were this close seeps into his mind and his face heats up. He pulls away and stands up quickly.
“What’s wrong, you just won,” Jimin says through laughs.
“Nothing. Just more tired than I thought I was. Umm…I’m gonna turn in early,” he tries to say casually.
He adds a yawn for effect that he can’t tell if Jimin buys or not.
“Okay, we’ll try to keep it down,” he responds with a shrug.
The others nod and wave as he crosses the room to head up the stairs. He feels eyes stare into his back as he leaves but there’s only one set that he wants looking.
Once he hears the sounds of another round being started up, he pads up the stairs quickly and shuts the door to his room.
He sighs deeply as he leans against the door, heart still beating fast in his chest. He finally manages to peel himself off after a couple minutes and slump over to his bed. Falling unceremoniously into the pillows, he rubs his palms against his eyes.
“Dummy,” he mumbles to himself.
He feels like crying again but he’s also stubborn so he just pouts at the ceiling and wills the tears back down. He pulls his phone off the charger and searches for a Youtube video to take his mind off things. When he finds one, he tries to make himself comfy but he’s distracted, attention only half on the video. The sound of laughter trickles up the stairs and he turns the volume of his phone up. Namjoon is literally downstairs and he’s up here, unable to just be normal around him.
Caught up in a spiral of self-deprecating thoughts, he almost doesn’t hear the soft knock at the door. He pauses the video and sits up, listening carefully. There it is again, the tiniest bit louder this time. Jungkook knows exactly who it is on the other side.
His heart starts working in overdrive as he gets up off the bed and walks to the door. He gulps and tries to take a steadying breath.
When he opens it, Namjoon is standing on the other side looking down at his feet nervously. His eyes snap up.
“Oh- hi. Sorry, I didn’t wake you, did I?” he asks quietly.
Jungkook shakes his head quickly and stares. Say something, his mind screams at him. Anything.
“C-can I come in?” Namjoon says, glancing around unsurely.
“Yeah, of course! Sorry, yeah,” Jungkook squeaks out.
He opens the door wider so Namjoon can slip in past him. He has a mini crisis
about whether or not to close the door but something tells him he should. Closing it softly, he turns around to find Namjoon looking around almost…shyly. Jungkook stands there watching him until Namjoon meets his eyes. They stand there looking at each other awkwardly until Jungkook clears his throat. He needs to quit acting like this. He’s the one making Namjoon nervous and he hates that.
He goes to sit on his bed and tries to settle himself casually with his back to the headboard. Namjoon swallows and then follows, tentatively sitting at the foot of the bed.
Namjoon’s sitting on his bed. Namjoon’s in his room. He tries to remember if Namjoon’s ever even been in his room. Maybe once or twice for a couple minutes but not just the two of them. Not like this. Jungkook wills his heart to stop beating out of his chest.
“Thanks for helping me win back there,” Namjoon speaks up with a chuckle.
“Oh, yeah. No problem,” Jungkook replies.
“You weren’t that bad,” he adds with a small grin.
Namjoon laughs a real laugh and the ice melts a little. His eyes travel around the room again.They settle on the small collection of books Jungkook has. Jungkook can tell when his gaze catches on the first book and blushes.
“Did you like it?” Namjoon asks, nodding towards the book.
“Mmm- I haven’t read it yet,” Jungkook admits.
Doesn’t admit that he only bought the book because Namjoon talked about it.
“Me neither, actually,” Namjoon laughs.
“I bought a copy but I haven’t got around to starting it,” he adds.
“I read the summary. It sounds really interesting,” Jungkook offers.
Namjoon smiles again and Jungkook wants to press a kiss to his dimple.
“We could read it together?”
“Together?” Jungkook asks, already ready to say yes to anything that has him and Namjoon “together”.
“Yeah, like read a chapter a week and then talk about it. Only if you want…” Namjoon trails off.
“Yes! I mean, yeah. I would like that,” Jungkook replies, chewing his lip so his happy smile doesn’t seem like too much.
Something for just them to share. It makes him giddy, thoughts of meeting and talking with Namjoon weekly making excitement bubble up in him. He gets so caught up in the daydream, he doesn’t notice they’ve both been silent for a while. Namjoon is fidgeting with his sleeve and doesn’t look up when he speaks again.
“You kissed me,” he says softly.
Jungkook feels his entire being freeze over. This isn’t happening. This cannot be happening. What feels like an eternity passes before anything even remotely close to words start to form on his lips.
“I-I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean- I don’t know what came over me,” he says shakily.
“I shouldn’t have done that. Or at least asked you first if it was okay,” he adds defeatedly.
Realizes a beat later what he just said and looks up at Namjoon with panic-stricken eyes.
“Wait, that’s not what I meant to say! I know you wouldn’t have said yes, I just- you know, consent and all,” he finishes weakly.
He clears his throat like that will somehow help him think better. Sighs when it doesn’t.
“Fuck, I’m just really sorry. The l-last thing I wanted is to make things uncomfortable between us.”
He chews his lip and looks down sadly at his hands in his lap. Jolts slightly when Namjoon reaches over and runs soothing fingers over the smooth plane of his hand. Jungkook’s skin tingles at the touch.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. I’m not upset. I’m sorry, there was probably a better way for me to bring it up,” he says sweetly.
It makes Jungkook’s heart ache. Sweet, caring Namjoon. Still being nice even though Jungkook can’t seem to stop messing up.
Namjoon pulls his hand back and takes a deep breath, not looking at him. Jungkook watches him carefully, apprehensive at what he’s about to say.
“So y-you regret it?” Namjoon asks slowly, still not looking up.
The question takes Jungkook by surprise, mind trying to work out what Namjoon is really asking. Is this a trick question? There’s no way he can answer honestly, right? No way Namjoon is asking him if he…
“I…wish I had thought it through more…” he trails off, testing the waters of how much he can say.
Namjoon nods, like Jungkook’s words were actually an answer and not a tiptoe around more honest truths.
“Would you have asked me?” Namjoon questions softly.
“Asked what?” Jungkook says dumbly, knows exactly what Namjoon is talking about.
“Asked to kiss me?” Namjoon says seriously, finally looking up into Jungkook’s eyes.
Jungkook feels his breath catch. He feels like he’s in a haze, staring back at Namjoon. Namjoon, who he’s so deeply in love with that sometimes it hurts just to look at him even though that’s all he wants to do. Gorgeous Namjoon who doesn’t have a judgmental bone in his body.
“I don’t…I don’t think…it would have been hard to hear you say no,” Jungkook mumbles.
It's too much to admit. Too honest. But Namjoon takes another deep breath. Jungkook feels like he’s standing at the edge of a still ocean, almost touching the water but not quite.
“How do you know I would have said no?”
The water laps at his skin.
“I guess I don’t…”
He watches Namjoon carefully, not wanting to misread anything. And it’s like Namjoon has his own gravitational pull because Jungkook leans off the headboard. Leans closer to Namjoon.
Namjoon stays where he is, not moving closer but not moving away either. Jungkook gulps.
“W-would you have said no?”
His heart is absolutely racing now. The water ready to take him under.
“Ask me,” Namjoon says softly.
Jungkook isn’t positive this is happening. Did he actually end up falling asleep once he got to his room? Is Namjoon just here in his dreams? There’s no way this is actually happening.
But he blinks and Namjoon is still there, still watching him. Still waiting.
Jungkook takes a shaky breath.
“Can I…can I kiss you?” he whispers.
Namjoon looks down at his hands and chews his lip. When he looks back up, it’s with flushed cheeks.
“Yes.”
Jungkook’s eyes widen. Yes. He said yes. Before he falls off the bed from disbelief, Jungkook tentatively moves forward. Settles next to Namjoon at the foot of the bed.
He gulps nervously. Just do it, his mind yells. He gave you permission, do it.
He leans in, eyes roaming all over Namjoon’s face. He’s only been this close to Namjoon once before. He’s beautiful.
One more glance into Namjoon’s eyes for reassurance. He finds it and his whole being sings.
Jungkook doesn’t even remember leaning all the way in, if Namjoon leans in as well. But one second they’re not touching and the next, their lips are melting into each other.
The water is in waves now. Finally taking him under. And he knows he never wants to come back up.
The first time, he had only gotten to feel Namjoon’s lips for a second. Now, he gets to really bask in how soft and plush they are. He tilts his head slightly to get a better angle, mouths fitting into each other perfectly now. And, unlike the first time, Namjoon is kissing him back. Kissing him back so perfectly.
Namjoon opens his lips slightly, Jungkook following the motion, and Jungkook feels a bloom of hot air travel between their mouths. It’s barely there but it’s also so intoxicating and it sends his mind into a syrupy haze.
His chest is thundering when Namjoon pulls away, taking in the look on Jungkook’s face. He bites his lips in a smile when all Jungkook can do is blink back dazedly at him.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
Namjoon laughs softly and looks a bit at a loss for words himself. Jungkook wants to kiss him again but he doesn’t dare push anything.
“I should…” Namjoon trails off and motions towards the door.
“They might be wondering where I went.”
Jungkook nods, mind not quite back from its haze.
“Okay,” he murmurs.
He’s sad that Namjoon’s leaving but also senses that they both want to say more. Namjoon stands slowly from the bed and Jungkook follows, walking him silently towards the door. Namjoon reaches for the handle but stops before turning it. Jungkook is so close behind him that when he spins around, their faces are inches apart.
“I…umm-” Namjoon stumbles with a blush.
Jungkook knows he needs to speak up. They both want this.
“Can I see you again? You know…j-just us?” he rushes out.
Namjoon nods and smiles.
“I would like that.”
They look at each other, Namjoon leaning on the door and Jungkook leaning towards him. They sway closer together, Namjoon’s forehead meeting his.
“I’ll text you?” Namjoon says into the small space between them.
“Kay,” Jungkook whispers.
He knows he’s gone. Has been for awhile but now it’s official. Namjoon kissed him back and he’ll never be the same.
“Kay,” Namjoon echoes.
Namjoon looks into his eyes once more and then moves away and quietly pushes the door open.
Jungkook watches him leave, closing the door quietly behind him. He faces his room and leans his back on the door. His heart is still beating a mile a minute and he sighs loudly into the silent room.
“What just happened,” he whispers.
He reaches up and gently traces his lips. Light touches so he doesn’t erase any essence of Namjoon that still might be there. He can’t help it when his face breaks into a wide grin.
Still grinning, he walks back over to his bed and flops down on his back. Staring up at the ceiling, he starts to trace his lips once more and wonders what stars collided to make this happen.
The next night, Jungkook’s phone pings a notification and he practically launches himself over the couch to get to it.
“Watch out,” Jimin huffs, moving his laptop out of the way.
Jungkook reads over the message and feels warmth bloom all over him. He chews his lip and tries not to look too smitten.
“Why do you look like that?” Jimin asks with a chuckle.
Jungkook blinks up at him.
“It’s nothing…” Jungkook trails off, attention going back to Namjoon’s message as he turns and walks out of the room.
Namjoon invites him out for dinner the next weekend and Jungkook has never felt so nervous in his entire life. Neither of them mention why the restaurant Namjoon suggested is not one any of them normally frequent or why they agree to meet there in separate cars. They know. It doesn’t need to be mentioned or brought up.
An hour before he’s supposed to meet Namjoon, Jungkook frowns at himself in the mirror. He sighs and pulls the white sweater he was wearing over his head and throws it on the growing pile of discarded options. He searches his closet again, fingers nervous as they shuffle through his clothes. He yelps when he hears his door slam open.
“Relax, it’s me,” Jimin laughs, inviting himself in and sitting on the bed with his phone.
“I just wanted your opinion on…” he trails off when he sees the pile of clothes and glances curiously at Jungkook.
“Going out?”
Jungkook blushes and chews on his lip.
“Yeah, just-. Yeah.”
“With someone?” Jimin asks.
“I-maybe,” Jungkook admits.
It’s no use lying to Jimin about that part. It’s too obvious he’s getting ready for something more than a casual friend hangout.
Jimin wiggles his eyebrows.
“Are you telling me our Jungkookie has a…” he pauses dramatically.
“Date,” he finishes.
“No. I mean, I don’t know,” Jungkook mutters, pulling another shirt off a hanger.
“You don’t know whether or not you’re going on a date with someone?” Jimin chuckles.
“No, I don’t, okay?” Jungkook snaps.
Jimin looks at him in surprise and Jungkook immediately feels bad.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean t-to sound like that,” he says with a deep breath.
“I don’t really know what this is. But I know that I want to look good,” he mumbles.
Jimin searches his face and softens when he sees how serious Jungkook is.
“Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stress you out,” he says soothingly.
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m really sorry.”
Jimin waves his hand and lets the moment pass over quickly. He stands and begins to look through Jungkook’s closet.
“Well, date or not, they’re definitely going to think you look good if I have anything to say about it.”
Jungkook smiles and waits patiently while Jimin rifles through his clothes. He finally pulls a striped button down that Jungkook raises his eyebrow at.
“Trust me!” Jimin laughs.
Jungkook shrugs and puts the shirt on while Jimin picks a pair of earrings for him. When Jimin turns to hand him a small set of silver hoops, he wrinkles his nose.
“Well, not like that,” he rolls his eyes.
Jungkook looks down at himself.
“What?” he laughs.
Jimin sets the earrings down and yanks Jungkook’s arm and starts rolling up the sleeves.
“Honestly,” he huffs, unbuttoning two of the buttons Jungkook had done.
“There.”
He hands Jungkook the hoops and then pushes him in front of the mirror again. Jungkook looks at himself in the mirror while Jimin waits for a reaction.
“Looks…”
“Looks good,” Jimin finishes for him matter of factly.
Jimin gets a text and looks down at his phone, starting to walk out of the room as he reads it.
“Thanks,” Jungkook murmurs after him.
Jimin looks back up and smiles.
“Of course.”
He gives Jungkook an appraising look.
“You still nervous?”
“Yeah,” Jungkook admits.
“You don’t need to be. You’re a great catch. And when they get one look at you in that shirt, it’ll be over,” Jimin says with a wink.
Jungkook snorts but hopes Jimin is right. Jimin wishes him luck and walks away, typing on his phone.
Jungkook turns back to look at himself. The shirt does accentuate his arms and chest nicely. And tucked into his dark wash jeans, his small waist is on display. He runs a finger through his hair and tries to style it in a way that looks like it’s not too styled. He’s busy fussing with it when he realizes he better check the time. The restaurant isn’t super close and he needs time to panic for a couple minutes in the car before he gets out.
“Shit,” he mutters to himself when he sees what time it is.
He runs his fingers through his hair one more time and grabs his keys and wallet. He takes a deep breath and before leaving his room, chest and stomach full of nerves.
He’s so lost in his thoughts as he drives, he doesn’t pay any attention to the music that blares out of his speakers. When he finally pulls up to the restaurant, he sees that he still has ten minutes. He turns the car off and sits in the sudden silence, heart beating so fast he feels like he should be able to hear it.
A sudden fear that Namjoon is already here and watching him sit in his car in silence sweeps through him. He glances around quickly and sighs in relief when he doesn’t see him. His heart continues to race as the minutes tick by. He decides maybe some fresh air will calm his nerves and opens his car door and steps out. He takes some deep breaths and closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens, he sees Namjoon walking towards him. The way he looks makes Jungkook’s mouth go dry. He’s wearing loose black slacks with a light gray sweater tucked in. It’s simple but he just looks so good in the ensemble.
Namjoon smiles softly as he approaches and Jungkook tries to return it. His heart pushes up into his throat when Namjoon’s eyes travel down his body. Something about having Namjoon’s gaze makes him want to shrink in on himself and preen simultaneously.
“Hey,” Namjoon greets him with dimpled cheeks.
“Hi,” Jungkook says, embarrassed that he sounds slightly breathless.
If Namjoon notices, he doesn’t say anything.
“You look…good,” Namjoon says.
He glances back down, his hand moving out as if to reach towards Jungkook. For a second, Jungkook thinks he’s going to hold his hand. A small tinge of disappointment flints in him when Namjoon stops and takes his hand back. He’s still smiling though and Jungkook will take that.
“So do you,” Jungkook finally manages to answer back.
He leans forward slightly but stops himself. The boundaries of tonight are still unclear to him. Especially being out in the real world, the four walls of his room unable to hide them. He clears his throat and settles for smiling back.
“Thanks. I changed, like, four times,” Namjoon admits, rubbing the back of his neck.
Jungkook laughs, the admission causing him butterflies.
“I changed six.”
Namjoon blinks at him. They look at each other and then burst into laughter. Whatever new water it is that they’re treading warms Jungkook’s heart.
Glancing back at the restaurant, Namjoon tilts his head.
“Shall we?”
Jungkook nods and they make their way to the door. Namjoon opens it for them and they are greeted by the hostess.
“For two?” she asks with a kind smile.
“Yes, please,” Namjoon nods.
She takes them to a small table in the corner, setting down menus. She tells them to enjoy themselves and Namjoon thanks her. A couple moments later, a waiter comes up with waters and waits patiently while they decide on what they want.
Once they’ve ordered and their menus are taken away, Jungkook glances around and then back at Namjoon. Namjoon catches his gaze and Jungkook looks back down and takes a nervous sip of his water. The realization that he is now so nervous in front of someone he’s known for years fully hits him. Sure, it’s someone he’s been secretly in love with but still. He usually didn’t let his daydreams about Namjoon get this far and now here he is and he doesn’t know what to say.
He clears his throat and tries to think of something but everything sounds dumb in his head. He takes a breath to try and clear his mind.
“Everything okay?” Namjoon asks with a tinge of worry.
“Yes!” Jungkook says louder than he means.
He doesn’t want Namjoon already thinking this is a mistake. He looks into Namjoon’s concerned eyes and chews on his lip.
“I’m…I’m a little nervous,” he admits.
Namjoon gives him a dimpled smile.
“It’s just me,” he says.
Just him. If only Namjoon knew that “just him” makes Jungkook feel like water at nighttime, patiently waiting for the moon to rise and show it its own reflection.
“But I think I know what you mean,” Namjoon murmurs, eyes crinkling softly.
Jungkook blushes and looks back down into his water.
“If I tell you I’m nervous too, does that help a little?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you nervous?” he adds, needing to hear even the slightest confirmation of feelings.
Namjoon gazes at him with a thoughtful look that makes Jungkook feel seen in a way he doesn’t remember feeling before.
“Because this is something new. Something I haven’t done before. And it’s you. So I don’t want to mess anything up,” Namjoon says slowly, picking each word out carefully.
Jungkook blinks as the answer washes over him. And it’s you. He feels like if he had the ability to bloom, he would. He settles for smiling into his water.
“Why are you nervous?” Namjoon asks.
Jungkook plays with the napkin on the table. He can’t give the answer he wants without coming on too strong. But he doesn’t want to lie either.
“Because I want you to like me,” he finally replies softly.
Namjoon leans back in his seat in surprise.
“I do like you, Jungkook.”
Jungkook stirs the straw in his water around and then fixes Namjoon with a look he hopes conveys his thoughts. Want you to like me like that.
There’s a moment of silence and then Namjoon gets it. They stare at each other, the restaurant noises seeming to mute while Jungkook looks at Namjoon with honest eyes.
“I…okay,” Namjoon nods.
Jungkook’s not exactly sure what he’s saying okay to. Acknowledging that he understands what Jungkook wants, saying he wants it too, or both. But he doesn’t push. A part of him is still too scared that Namjoon is going to realize this is too much and it’s better if he leaves thinking Jungkook just had a crush and not more.
“Can you tell me about something? Anything?” he asks quietly.
It’s an obvious segue but he knows Namjoon will let it go. And listening to Namjoon talk is something he could do all day. Namjoon smiles gently and begins to talk in his deep voice that Jungkook lets fill his mind.
He listens to Namjoon talk with a small smile on his face that just won’t go away. He’s a little sad when their food arrives, putting a pause on Namjoon’s update of a new bookstore he found. Jungkook inhales the food smells and the sadness is replaced with the realization that he is actually really hungry. He’d been so nervous all day, all he’d had was coffee.
Digging in excitedly, he swallows two hot mouthfuls of food before he glances up and sees Namjoon observing him with a smile.
“What?” he asks, wiping his mouth self consciously.
Namjoon shakes his head and laughs softly.
“Nothing, nothing. I just- you do this thing with your eyebrows when you eat good food. You kinda knit them together. Like the food is so good it makes you angry at it.”
Jungkook blinks and Namjoon shrugs, still smiling.
“Just something I’ve noticed. It’s cute.”
Cute. Noticed. Jungkook wonders what other things Namjoon has noticed about him. What other things he thinks are cute. He feels his cheeks heating up and it must be visible to Namjoon because his smile falters.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel-”
“No, don’t be sorry,” Jungkook interrupts quickly.
That part of him that is scared that something in Namjoon is going to snap and say forget it rears its head again. Namjoon will say this was all a mistake and if they turn back now, they can pretend nothing ever happened. He looks up into Namjoon’s eyes and tries to calm his own nerves.
“I-I like you noticing me,” he murmurs.
Namjoon’s face softens and a cautious but sincere smile appears on his lips.
“I’ll keep noticing you, then.”
The water runs warmly over Jungkook’s heart and he smiles down shyly into his food. They finish dinner with shy little glances at each other and small talk that Namjoon steers, trying his best to make Jungkook as at ease as possible.
They’re walking slowly down the sidewalk when raindrops start to fall. The first one drops with a plop on Jungkook’s cheek and then another on his arm. He looks over at Namjoon and sees his sweater spotted with the little dots.
“Should we get inside?” he asks.
Namjoon tilts his head and then looks up at the sky with a smile.
“No, I like it.”
Jungkook watches him with a smile of his own as a drop hits Namjoon’s temple and trickles down prettily. He nods and looks back down at the sidewalk, rain starting to darken the cement. His body hums happily at being close to Namjoon. Glancing at their hands swinging by their sides, he wishes he could take Namjoon’s. He wonders what Namjoon would do. Kissing in the privacy of his room was one thing. Holding hands in public is another.
He also doesn’t really know what it is that they’re doing. What Namjoon’s limits are. He’s scared to ask but also scared to do something that Namjoon doesn’t want. They’re not together tonight as friends. It’s more. Definitely more. He doesn’t need a label but needs to know he’s not imagining everything either.
The rain slowly starts to pick up as he searches for the right words. They walk a bit more until he can’t hold back any longer.
“Was this…Is this a- a date?” he blurts out, cheeks immediately heating up.
Namjoon blinks in surprise. He tilts his head and searches Jungkook’s face. Chewing his lip, he looks down at the pavement and then back up.
“Yeah. Yes,” he smiles.
“I mean, as long as you want it to be,” he adds quickly with a blush.
Jungkook smiles and wants to take his hand so badly.
“I want it to be.”
“Okay, then it’s a date,” Namjoon murmurs, brushing his shoulder against Jungkook’s.
The spot where their shoulders touched makes Jungkook feel warm, making him realize that they are both damp from the rain. In the mere seconds he realizes just how wet his hair is, there’s a clap of thunder and a cloud opens up and starts to pour down on them.
He gasps at the cool water splashing off of him and looks at Namjoon through wet lashes. Namjoon has his eyes closed and his face up towards the clouds. He’s grinning as the water hits him and cascades down his face and arms. He looks beautiful, like the sky is letting go just for him. He opens his eyes, the grin not leaving his face when he takes Jungkook’s hand and starts to run. Jungkook only has a second to be surprised before he’s laughing and running right behind, arm stretched in front of him and hand held firmly in Namjoon’s. Their feet kick up puddles and Jungkook’s socks are soaked but he doesn’t care. Just feels the warmth of Namjoon’s hand in his.
Namjoon pulls them into an alley that has an awning jutting out from the side of one of the buildings. They step under it, rain now hitting everything but them. Jungkook shakes his wet hair, sending droplets everywhere.
“Hey!” Namjoon exclaims with a laugh.
“Sorry,” Jungkook giggles, not missing the fact that Namjoon is still holding his hand.
He looks up to see Namjoon already looking at him with eyes that are somehow soft and intense at the same time. Namjoon’s eyes travel down him, taking in the way his now soaked button down sticks to his skin. He feels like the world is moving in slow motion when Namjoon reaches up and gingerly cards his fingers through the damp strands of his hair, almost closing his eyes at the touch.
“Your hair is getting long,” Namjoon says softly.
“Yeah,” is all Jungkook manages to sigh out.
“I like it,” Namjoon smiles.
“Yeah?” Jungkook asks, the compliment making him feel like he has honey running through him.
Namjoon nods and Jungkook takes a step back until his back is flush with the side of the building. Hands still intertwined, Namjoon follows easily. It feels so good to have Namjoon in his space. To be in this moment.
His heart starts beating faster when Namjoon leans in and rests their foreheads together, wet skin meeting wet skin.
“Can I kiss you? You know, consent and all,” Namjoon whispers with a chuckle into the small space between them.
Jungkook feels the warmth of Namjoon’s breath ghost over his lips. He grins and nods, sure his flushed cheeks are giving him away.
“Yes,” he breathes.
Namjoon’s lips land on his and instead of the world moving in slow motion, it just stops. Stops while Namjoon kisses him softly and slowly, Jungkook’s mind wanting to memorize the exact way that Namjoon’s lips feel on his. The way their rain slick skin presses together, their shared breath creating a heat that makes it feel like they’re both glowing. He lets his lips mold to Namjoon’s, lets himself get lost in the sensations of their mouths moving together. Namjoon tastes like rain. That sweet, clear, and fresh essence that rain has about it.
A small whimper escapes him at the thought that he’s tasting Namjoon right now. He stills for a second but Namjoon just swallows the small noise down and continues to get lost in him. Jungkook relaxes again and wraps his arms around Namjoon’s neck, pulling their bodies flush. Namjoon’s hands slip easily to his waist and everything just feels like so much in the best way possible. Namjoon presses his thumbs lighty into his sides and Jungkook shivers, feeling the touches right through his wet shirt.
They finally break for air, chests rising and falling with pants. Namjoon's eyes are wide as he looks at Jungkook with awe.
“Kook…” he trails off.
Jungkook licks his lips.
“I know. That was..” he trails off too, no words to explain what just happened.
So they don’t use words. Just falling back into each other instead, Jungkook sighs when he feels Namjoon’s plump lower lip on his again. Basks in the way Namjoon kisses like he’s exploring. Like Jungkook is something worth exploring.
The rain still falls down around them, providing a soft patter that mixes with their sighs and soft sounds . The cool air surrounds their hot bodies and its absolute bliss. Jungkook opens his eyes to double check that this is really Namjoon he’s kissing, that this is all really happening. Sees Namjoon’s pretty face kissing him back and closes them again. This is really happening. So as the rain continues to pour over everything except the two of them, he kisses Namjoon and Namjoon kisses him.
Chapter 2
Notes:
I’m sorry this update took so long! The way these two come across is so important to me so I’ve been extremely particular. I hope you like this update and hopefully the length can make up for the wait. I know a lot of things are going on right now and I hope reading this can provide a little time away from everything. I have proofread this but since it’s fairly long, there may be little things I missed.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
When Jungkook finally slips into bed later that night, he smiles into his pillow giddily. A part of him is still trying to grasp everything but another part of him, a bigger part, is so intensely happy. Namjoon and him. After all these years. He has a little piece of Namjoon. He pushes the thought that someone else has a bigger piece of Namjoon out of his mind. He’ll take the piece he’s been offered and treasure it, hold it dearly in his heart. Anything is better than nothing.
His phone buzzes late a couple nights later. He glances at the screen and feels immediate butterflies fill his stomach. He smiles and takes a deep breath before he presses the answer button.
“Hey,” he murmurs softly into the phone.
“Hey, Kook.”
The deep, honey voice makes Jungkook’s heart quicken.
He burrows deeper into his sheets, room dark except for the phone light and the small, blue square on his alarm clock.
“What are you doing?” Namjoon asks.
“Just in bed,” he replies, blushing at how intimate that sounds.
Namjoon hums.
“How was your day?” he asks.
“Good. I umm- I missed you,” he says, speaking through the phone instead of in person making him brave.
“Missed you, too. I…I keep thinking about you,” Namjoon sighs.
Jungkook curls in on himself, an incredulous smile taking over his face.
“Yeah?” he asks, mind trying to grasp that he’s hearing these words from Namjoon.
“Mmm hmm. Keep thinking about how your lips felt on mine,” Namjoon murmurs.
Jungkook bites his tongue to keep in a whimper.
“Me, too. I- I want…” he trails off.
His mouth wants to say how much he wants Namjoon, thinks about him 24/7. Just needs him.
“I know,” Namjoon says softly.
“Can I see you this weekend? We could read the first part of the book and meet up to umm-talk about it?”
“Okay,” Jungkook agrees immediately.
“Where should we meet?”
A precarious question that he hopes doesn’t break the moment.
“I think I have an idea. I’ll text you the address?”
“Sure,” Jungkook smiles.
“Okay,” Namjoon says softly.
“Thank you for calling me,” Jungkook says.
“Of course. Thank you for answering.”
“Wouldn’t not.”
Namjoon hums again.
“I’d better go,” he says apologetically after a moment.
Jungkook nods and then realizes Namjoon can’t see him.
“Okay.”
There’s a beat of silence where Jungkook can tell they both don’t want to end the call.
“Namjoon?” he asks.
“Yeah, Kook?”
“Will you kiss me again?”
A sharp inhale on the other end of the line.
“Yes. It‘s all I want.”
The next day after work, Jungkook plucks the book off his shelf and settles on his bed. He turns the book over, examining the simple cover. The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm . He’s not a big reader and this isn’t the type of book he would normally pick out if he were to read. But Namjoon had talked about it. And Namjoon plus loving made Jungkook’s head spin and he bought the book on a whim.
He shuffles deeper into his pillows and opens the book. “Is love an art?...”
Before he knows it, he’s absorbed in the text. Curious about what lies on each next page, he reads through the entire first section. When he’s done, he leans back and lets the book lay open on his chest. He stares at the ceiling, mind going a mile a minute.
His whole being is filled with nerves again by the time the weekend rolls around. He stares at himself in the mirror too long and panics when he realizes the time. He’s nowhere near being late but he needs that extra ten minutes again to attempt to calm himself before he sees Namjoon.
On impulse, he decides to take the bus. He double checks his phone to make sure there’s a stop close to the location Namjoon had texted him. He grabs his backpack and throws the book, his wallet, and his water bottle in. Glancing around quickly, he grabs his chapstick off his bedside table and blushes.
The bus ride provides enough distraction that his nerves settle for a bit. But when the bus nears his stop, they pick right back up.
As he gets off, he looks around and starts to walk. He’s pretty sure the address is to a coffee shop. He sees he’s right when he looks up after a bit and sees the correct numbers on an unassuming front door.
When he pushes open the door, small bells tinkle above him and the aroma of coffee beans hits him. The shop is small but cozy, shelves filled with books lining the walls from ceiling to floor. Everything is dimly lit by mismatched lamps placed around the shop, a low hum of chatter from the people sitting at the small tables. Jungkook smiles. The definition of a Namjoon safe space.
He orders a latte and sits down at a corner table so he can admire the ambiance some more. It’s not long before he hears the bells tinkle and looks up to see Namjoon entering the shop. The way Namjoon’s eyes light up when they settle on him has him feeling like it’s possible for his heart to actually melt.
Namjoon walks over and takes the chair across from him.
“Hey! Glad you found the place. It’s easy to walk by,” Namjoon smiles.
“I definitely wouldn’t have known such a cool place was behind that door,” Jungkook replies, nodding towards the front door.
Namjoon laughs and nods in agreement, a pleased expression crossing his face.
“You think it’s cool?”
“Yeah. It seems like the kind of place you would like.”
Namjoon nods again, his gaze settling on Jungkook. He looks like he’s thinking and Jungkook lets him look and think.
Realizing that he’s staring, Namjoon shakes his head slightly and clears his throat.
“I’m gonna get a drink.”
Jungkook watches as he stands and walks to the counter. He sighs and takes a deep breath. He takes a sip of his drink and plays with his sleeve while he waits.
When Namjoon sits back down, it’s with the americano Jungkook knew he was going to get.
“How did you find this place?” Jungkook asks once he’s settled.
Namjoon chuckles.
“It was kind of a happy accident. I got lost in this part of town one day. It was raining and for some reason I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which bus to take to get back to my apartment. I was so tired and frustrated and randomly decided to walk in. Been coming here ever since.”
Jungkook smiles.
“That’s how the best places are found.”
“I think so, too.”
Their eyes settle on each other again, all other noises seeming to fall away. Like being under water.
Namjoon finally lowers his eyes to reach down into his bag. He pulls out the book and places it on the table.
“What do you think about the book so far?”
Jungkook pulls his own book out and traces the binding.
“I like…parts of it. I think it’s really interesting. I…I don’t think what he’s saying is applicable to everyone but it’s interesting to umm- look at love in the way he’s describing.”
Namjoon listens carefully like he always does and takes in the words.
“I was thinking the exact same thing when I was reading it.”
Namjoon looks out the shop window and twirls the straw in his drink absentmindedly.
“I do think Fromm is right in that even though so many of us want love, we think there are more important things in life to attain. Money, power, success. Learning to love is not something that has instant gratification or something tangible to show for all the work that goes into it.”
Jungkook nods as he lets Namjoon’s words wash over him.
“But you don’t think that, do you?” Jungkook asks gingerly.
Namjoon looks over at him and smiles softly.
“No, I don’t. Like Fromm said. Love profits the soul.”
“I liked that line, too.”
Namjoon hums in appreciation.
“What other parts did you like?”
Jungkook looks down at the book and thinks for a moment.
“I like what he said about giving. That “giving” to someone is not “giving up” part of yourself. By giving, I know that I am alive. That I have something to offer without it feeling like a loss.”
He looks back up at Namjoon who’s looking at him with wide eyes he can’t quite read.
“Or something like that. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not making sense,” he falters.
Namjoon sits up straighter and leans towards him, eyes now heavy with concern.
“Hey, no, don't second guess yourself. What you said makes perfect sense. I- I really like what you said.”
He reaches across the table to give Jungkook’s hand a squeeze.
“After all these years, you still say stuff that surprises me. In a good way, of course.”
He tilts his head and looks out the window again.
“And I like how giving to someone connects to knowledge about someone. We cannot help desiring to learn more about other human beings. “ The basic need to fuse with another person ,” Namjoon quotes.
Jungkook sucks in a breath. Something about the words mixed with Namjoon’s voice makes his face heat up. Namjoon looks back into his eyes with something intent and wanting.
“Would you…” he trails off and shakes his head.
“Never mind.”
“No, you can ask me,” Jungkook says, heart thumping nervously.
Namjoon swallows.
“Would you let me get to know you, Jungkook?”
Jungkook's eyes widen but he can’t help it. He knows what Namjoon is asking. Can he get to know him as someone out of the realm of friendship.
“Yes,” he answers simply.
They enter that space again. That space they were in in the alley. That space where there is no one but them and all other noises and voices just fade away. Their eyes are locked together, Jungkook scared that if he looks away, that simmer that he sees in Namjoon’s eyes will disappear. He knows they’re both feeling it. The need to be alone. Be away, together. Be together.
Namjoon swallows.
“Did you drive here?”
Jungkook shakes his head slightly.
“I took the bus,” he breathes.
“Can we…my car?”
Jungkook nods.
“Yes,” he adds, knowing Namjoon will feel more certain with verbal confirmation.
They gather their things in a charged silence and walk towards the door. Namjoon leads the way, Jungkook following close behind. Namjoon walks around the corner to a secluded side street and Jungkook is relieved to see the car isn’t close to any others.
Namjoon opens the passenger door, eyes intent on Jungkook while he slides into the seat. Jungkook tries to calm himself a bit while Namjoon walks to the driver's side, the door opening too soon for it to make any difference.
Once Namjoon tosses his bag on the backseat floor and settles in his seat, Jungkook is to a point where he feels like he’s going to jump out of his skin if some part of him doesn’t touch Namjoon soon.
There’s a beat of silence that strums with an electric current of something intense. Jungkook feels like his heartbeat must be audible at this point and clears his throat. They glance over at each other at the same time and the current snaps.
One moment they are apart and the next, their lips are on each other. Jungkook blushes at the almost instantaneous moan that leaves him when Namjoon’s mouth lands on his. Namjoon’s hand moves up to cup his jaw gently, the soft gesture at odds with the way his lips are melding hotly to Jungkook’s. That taste again. So sweet and clear and everything he’s ever wanted. He scoots as close as his seat will let him, body leaning towards Namjoon like a sunflower towards its sun.
His hand lands on Namjoon’s chest, feeling the pounding of his heartbeat. He’s doing this Namjoon. He’s making his heart pound like that. The thought gives him some confidence and he peeks his tongue out to lick at Namjoon’s lips and slowly dip into his mouth. He preens at the small groan Namjoon gives him and it spurs him on even more. He dips his tongue in further, finding Namjoon’s and gripping his chest harder at the silky feeling. They start to explore each other’s mouths slowly and heatedly, the sensations making Jungkook feel like he has Namjoon flowing through his veins.
They finally part for air, both panting. Namjoon stares at Jungkook with wide eyes that search his, falling down to his lips and then back up again.
“This is…feels so good to kiss you,” Namjoon murmurs.
“You have nice lips,” Jungkook blurts out before his mind can catch him.
Namjoon laughs, dimples making a lovely appearance. Jungkook pouts at himself and rests his forehead on Namjoon’s.
“I just meant…you make me feel good, too.”
Good isn’t a strong enough word. Amazing, intoxicated, exhilarated are more like it.
Namjoon hums and presses a soft kiss to his mouth. He chases after Namjoon’s lips for more, but Namjoon moves away, instead pressing a kiss to his cheek. Another to his temple. Jungkook’s eyes flutter shut at the gentle touches. One to his forehead and one on his nose, Namjoon’s soft lips feeling like the softest silk on his skin. He tries not to let his mind run with what all this might mean. Tells himself to just live in the moment for now. Just get lost in what Namjoon is giving him.
Wanting to give Namjoon something too, he takes his hand and intertwines their fingers. He lifts their hands up and places a shy kiss on the smooth back of Namjoon’s hand. He moves back up before he can see Namjoon’s reaction, kissing Namjoon’s plush lips. They open easily for him, sweet heat traveling between them.
He’s never wished cars didn’t have a center console more than now as he tries to move even closer to Namjoon. He wants to be in his lap, wants to feel their bodies pressed together. He lets out a small whimper at the thought. His knee hits the console with a thump and Namjoon lets out a small chuckle.
Namjoon pulls away and glances down. Jungkook glances down too and blushes when he sees that he’s practically climbing over the console, body trying its hardest to get closer to Namjoon.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
“No need to be sorry,” Namjoon reassures him, stroking his cheek.
“Just want to be close to you,” Jungkook almost whispers, blush feeling permanent at this point.
“I’m right here,” Namjoon says soothingly.
Jungkook nods, not feeling brave enough to say he wants more. Namjoon leans in and kisses his forehead again. They stay like this for a while until Namjoon speaks again.
“Can I drive you home? And can we do this again?” he asks, pink tinging his cheeks at the question.
“Yes. To both,” Jungkook sighs happily.
Jungkook swears he must be pumping out happy pheromones the entire drive back. He can’t help the content glances he shoots over at Namjoon. He bites the inside of his cheek to keep a huge grin from taking over his face. He’s in the middle of wondering when Namjoon will be able to meet again when he realizes how close to his apartment they are. He has no idea where Jimin and Taehyung are and the thought of them seeing him get out of Namjoon’s car, seeing just the two of them, makes him slightly uneasy. He’s not sure they would think anything about it but they might. Even if they didn’t, he still rather avoid the situation altogether.
He reaches out and gently places a hand on Namjoon’s arm at the next stop sign.
“Maybe you should drop me off up there,” he says, nodding at the block before his street.
Namjoon looks at him questioningly.
“I can take you all the way. It’s no problem.”
“I know. It’s just…” he trails off.
A look of understanding crosses Namjoon’s face. Something about his creased eyebrows makes Jungkook panic. He doesn’t want to scare Namjoon, the constant fear that he is going to decide against all this rearing up.
“I just- I don’t. Sometimes Jimin asks a lot of questions,” he tries to explain, voice growing quiet.
“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Namjoon says reassuringly.
“It’s probably a good idea,” he adds softly.
He moves through the stop sign and drives the short distance, pulling over to the curb. Jungkook unbuckles his seatbelt but stays seated. He looks over at Namjoon who gives him a dimpled smile.
Namjoon reaches over and pulls him into a hug. His body feels so nice and warm and Jungkook’s arms immediately reach up to wrap around his shoulders and pull him closer. He’s glad they’re not in front of his building because the next thing he does is press a tender kiss to Namjoon’s lips. Namjoon smiles into him and runs a smooth palm down his back.
“A next time?” Jungkook asks quietly into the space between them.
“A next time,” Namjoon nods firmly.
Jungkook’s Namjoon-addled mind doesn’t even remember getting out of the car and the short walk to his building.
“You look happy,” Jimin says with a curious smile on his lips.
Jungkook snaps out of his daydreams and clears his throat. He’s sitting at their tiny dining room table, absentmindedly stirring his spoon in a bowl of cereal.
“Oh. Yeah. Just umm- having a good week, I guess.”
Jimin nods and smiles.
“That’s great. It’s nice to see you happy,” he replies.
A small pang of guilt hits Jungkook. He can’t imagine how Jimin would react if he knew why he’s been feeling so good. Keeping his crush a secret was one thing. This new secret is big and he hasn’t fully admitted to himself just how big. But he knows one thing for sure. He’s not ready to stop.
They agree to meet again next weekend, same time and place. Jungkook makes sure to carve out time to read the book, eager to share his thoughts again when he remembers how intently Namjoon had listened to them. Namjoon always has something interesting and insightful to say whereas Jungkook feels like he rarely does. It’s nice to feel like he does, now. At least, to Namjoon. And that’s all he needs.
He’s also eager for a repeat of what came after their conversation.
Jungkook gets there his usual ten minutes early and is happy to see the same table as last time is open. He grabs his drink and sits down with a smile on his face. He gets settled and pulls the book out of his bag. He still feels nervous around Namjoon but now it’s mixed with a growing giddiness. A simmering excitement to be doing all the things they are doing together. The meeting, the talking, the kissing all combined.
The bells tinkle and Namjoon walks in, not looking surprised when he spots Jungkook already there. He waves and goes up to the counter to order his americano, Jungkook dreamily admiring his broad shoulders from behind. When Namjoon turns around, he quickly tries to hide the fact that he was staring.
“Hey, you always get to our meeting place before me,” Namjoon says with a chuckle.
“Oh, yeah. Just like to be punctual. Not that you’re not!” Jungkook rushes out.
Namjoon laughs and shakes his head.
“It’s just something I noticed.”
Namjoon reaches for his coffee and lets his eyes travel over Jungkook as he sips.
“You look nice today. Actually, you look nice every time I see you,” he says.
Jungkook feels his face warm up and he tries not to look away.
“I- thanks,” he replies.
He’s about to compliment Namjoon too, even though he still hasn’t really figured out the words for how out of this world attractive he finds him, when Namjoon starts talking again.
“Okay, so what did you think about this section of the book?
“There were more… ideas that I struggled with, I guess.”
Namjoon waits patiently for him to go on.
“Like the part about self-love.”
He picks up his book and finds what he’s looking for.
“ If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too .”
He looks up at Namjoon.
“But I feel like I still loved…others even when I didn’t love myself. My relationship with myself didn’t change or stop my emotions for them.”
Namjoon’s eyes sadden a little.
“Yeah, that’s a tough one. Self-love can sometimes seem even harder than love for others.”
“I’m sorry it’s been hard for you,” he adds softly.
Jungkook bites his lip and tries to push down the lump he’s starting to feel in his throat.
“I just…felt so…so nothing for so long. Like I didn’t have anything to offer anyone.”
“But you know now that’s not true, right? That you are an amazing, strong and caring person?” Namjoon says with a quiet intensity.
“You really think so?” Jungkook murmurs.
“Think so? Jungkook, I know so. I wish that you could see what everybody else sees. Your relationship with yourself is the most important. That’s how I’m going to choose how to interpret it. Once you are okay with that relationship, you can open up yourself to something with another.”
Jungkook thinks about it and smiles.
“Okay, I will look at it that way, too.”
“Good. Glad I could help.”
Jungkook laughs and tries not to get too lost in Namjoon’s dimples.
“What else?”
Jungkook takes a sip of his latte and rolls his eyes as he thinks back to the book.
“Oh, the part that people of the same sex will not achieve the same level of intimacy as male-female relationships.”
“Yeah, some of the thinking is really outdated. I wish he would have just written it as people and love rather than men and love or women and love.”
“It doesn’t even make sense, really. He talks about women being the receiver, but men can also…umm- receive,” Jungkook trails off with a blush.
Namjoon chuckles but Jungkook swears he sees a tinge of red on his cheeks.
“It’s “union of bodies” in the sense of receiving and…and”
“Penetrating?”
Jungkook feels his entire chest heat up and he looks around them to make sure no one is listening.
“Why is that word so cringe?”
Namjoon laughs.
“His choice of words, not mine,” he says tapping on the cover of the book.
Jungkook can’t help but laugh.
“I’m just trying to say that “ union of bodies ” was never just between a man and a woman.”
Namjoon’s laughter dies down but his eyes still sparkle when he looks at Jungkook.
“I know.”
A beat of silence. Namjoon looks out the window for a moment and then back at Jungkook.
“I umm- parked in the same spot as last time,” he says with a slight tinge to his cheeks.
Jungkook feels his heart rate quicken.
“I took the bus again,” he answers.
Namjoon nods and Jungkook doesn’t miss the glance down to his lips.
“I’m ready,” he says softly.
Namjoon opens his mouth to say something but then just nods again and starts to pack up. Just like last time, Jungkook does the same and follows him as he stands and heads for the door.
They round the corner again and just the sight of Namjoon’s car has Jungkook licking his lips. Namjoon opens the door for him again, making it to his own side in three long strides.
Namjoon barely has time to throw his bag down before Jungkook is on him. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him but he can’t wait a second longer. Luckily Namjoon seems to feel the same, lips pressing into Jungkook’s eagerly. There’s no build up this time, just immediate heat between them that makes Jungkook feel like he’ll lose it if he’s not closer to Namjoon.
His hand snakes around the back of Namjoon’s neck, pulling him in as close as he can. He licks at Namjoon’s mouth that opens for him so perfectly, silky tongues sliding together in a way that makes his mind go blank. One of Namjoon’s warm hands lands on his waist and he tries to suppress a moan.
“Fuck, so hot,” Namjoon pants out when they part.
Jungkook lets the words wash over him and fill him with lusty happiness. He kisses him deeply again, but then moves his mouth down lower. He presses a feather touch kiss to Namjoon’s neck and feels Namjoon’s hand immediately tighten on his waist. Another one to his throbbing pulse point. A sigh that Jungkook wants to hear more of leaves Namjoon’s mouth.
The frustration at not feeling Namjoon closer creeps in again and he glances to the backseat.
“C-can we move back?” he asks, blushing at how breathless he already sounds.
“Back?” Namjoon’s eyebrows crease in confusion.
Jungkook tilts his head towards the backseat.
“Oh. Yeah. Yes, definitely,” Namjoon replies with wide eyes.
Jungkook pushes himself off his seat and climbs to the back, pulling his legs after him. Heart racing, he looks expectantly at Namjoon.
“Oh, umm. Okay, let me just…”
Namjoon attempts to do the same but his longer legs get stuck halfway. Jungkook tries to help but something about their position mixed with their endorphins has them laughing now. Giggles fill the car as they finally manage to pull Namjoon’s legs through, Namjoon resting at a bit of a diagonal angle on the seat.
“You know, we could have just used the back doors,” Namjoon says through his laughs.
“For some reason, it seemed like it would be quicker this way,” Jungkook giggles, mind starting to go back to why he suggested this in the first place.
Namjoon looks like his does too, as his laughter dies down. Jungkook sees his Adam's apple ripple as he swallows, hand carefully finding Jungkook’s thigh. The touch feels so good and he wants more of it. He scoots closer and leans in to place a wet kiss on Namjoon’s jaw. Adds another just below and moves down to his pulse point again. This time he presses in deeper with his lips and peaks his tongue out to meet the smooth skin there. Namjoon’s grip on his thigh tightens and travels higher.
Everything seems to move in syrupy slow motion as Jungkook moves to meet Namjoon’s gaze while he carefully rises up and places a leg on either side of Namjoon’s thighs. He lowers his body gently until he’s straddling Namjoon’s lap. It feels strange that not long ago, he was scared to do anything that might scare Namjoon off and now he’s doing this. But being underwater with Namjoon just feels too good, makes his mind and his body too happy. This space where only they can breathe. Where he only needs Namjoon to breathe.
If he had any tiny lingering doubts, they disappear when Namjoon places both hands on his waist and pulls him down into a deep kiss, pushing his tongue sweetly into Jungkook’s mouth. Jungkook moans and Namjoon licks lightly at his lower lip. Peppering small kisses down Namjoon’s neck and throat again, Jungkook starts to suck lightly at a spot, making Namjoon inhale sharply. He gets lost in it, grazing his teeth lightly over the spot. He’s about to do it again when one of Namjoon’s hands goes to gently but firmly squeeze his arm. He stops and his cloudy mind remembers. He absolutely cannot give Namjoon a hickey. Namjoon is not his to leave marks on.
He pulls away, feeling prickles of embarrassment. He knows Namjoon knows. That he can’t be marked, that Jungkook was about to do it anyway, and that Jungkook is now embarrassed. He takes a deep breath and chews on his lip.
“Sor-”
“Don’t be sorry,” Namjoon interrupts him.
“We’ll just be careful about that in the future, yeah?” Namjoon murmurs, hand reaching up to card softly through Jungkook’s hair.
Jungkook sighs and leans into the comforting touch.
“Okay,” he almost whispers.
His eyes close as Namjoon continues the motions. He leans closer again after a moment and wraps his arms around Namjoon’s neck, the contact making his body happy. Namjoon’s hands go to his back, warm palms moving up and down slowly.
“Could I give you one?” Namjoon whispers into the space between them.
Jungkook blinks and then registers what Namjoon is asking.
“Only i-if you want. I-it’s okay if not. More than okay. I don’t know why I-”
“Okay,” Jungkook says before Namjoon can spiral more.
Namjoon’s eyes widen as if Jungkook was the one to suggest it in the first place.
“Okay,” he echoes with a swallow.
Namjoon watches him intently as he moves to run his knuckles softly down Jungkook’s jaw. Jungkook sighs into the touch and leans even closer. His eyes close when Namjoon kisses him gently, moving down to his jaw and neck. His breath hitches slightly when Namjoon adds more pressure and he tilts his head to allow more access. Namjoon attaches his lips to the pulse point there and starts to suck. Jungkook bites his lip in a moan, hand moving up to grip Namjoon’s shoulder. He can feel Namjoon’s tongue tasting his skin and it makes his body feel floaty with arousal. When Namjoon scrapes his teeth over the spot, the tiny prickles of pain mix in with everything else and makes him moan louder.
The combination of Namjoon’s tongue and teeth have him panting heavily, body pressing into Namjoon’s. The spot Namjoon is working on is so sensitive. After a while, Namjoon slows down and presses soft kisses over the spot. Just when Jungkook thinks he’s done, Namjoon licks soothing stripes over the mark. It makes Jungkook’s skin tingle with lust and love and he takes a moment to focus when Namjoon pulls away to gaze up at him.
“Did you like that?” Namjoon asks softly.
Jungkook nods dazedly.
“Liked it a lot,” he mumbles.
Namjoon chuckles and looks at his neck, hand moving up to swipe his thumb over the mark.
“I liked it, too.”
He looks a bit entranced at the sight of what he left on Jungkook’s neck and Jungkook watches him curiously. He finally looks back up to Jungkook’s eyes and blushes a bit when he realizes.
“It just looks…pretty. I…I like you having that. From me.”
Jungkook’s heart leaps at the words. He can’t think of a good enough reply so he just cups Namjoon’s face and kisses him deeply.
He places a kiss on Namjoon’s cheek and hugs him tight, Namjoon palms smoothing up and down his back. They breathe each other in and stay pressed together. On one of the glides, Namjoon’s fingers catch on the hem of Jungkook’s shirt and push it up ever so slightly so Namjoon’s fingertips land on skin instead of fabric. Jungkook inhales sharply, the small touch burning sweetly into his skin.
Namjoon’s hands still for a second. Jungkook kisses his jaw in reassurance. Namjoon sighs and does the motion again, this time letting his hands slip completely under Jungkook’s shirt. The skin on skin contact makes Jungkook shiver even though Namjoon’s hands are warm as they smooth down his back. Namjoon’s fingertips trace his shoulder blades and spine carefully and Jungkook goes boneless. When Namjoon’s hands move to travel to his front, he manages to sit up a little. Namjoon’s large palms land on his stomach, staying there for a moment before he starts the same tracing patterns on his abs.
The feather touches tingle and send trickles of pleasure through his body. He watches as Namjoon’s lips part as he touches him.
A feeling Jungkook doesn’t remember experiencing before hits him. It’s a want for Namjoon but multiplied and amplified to new heights. A want to share everything with him. A want to show him his mind, body and soul. To take off layers, physically and emotionally, and have Namjoon explore and touch them. It’s such an intense emotion to feel for someone that it makes Jungkook’s breath shake.
Namjoon moves his hands higher up towards Jungkook’s chest. Knowing that he wants to show him more, Jungkook reaches to pull his shirt off. Namjoon gazes at him intently before a loud noise pierces through their bubble and they both jump, eyes wide.
It takes Jungkook a second to realize the intrusive noise is his phone. He glances around and then remembers it’s in the front seat in his bag.
“Shut up,” he mutters to it.
He looks apologetically at Namjoon who just grins at him and shrugs.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I thought I had it on silent,” he says after the ringing finally stops.
“It’s okay.”
Jungkook must be pouting because Namjoon chuckles and presses a kiss into his hair.
“Hey, it’s really okay.”
“I just wasn’t- wasn’t ready for the moment to end,” Jungkook murmurs.
Namjoon hums in understanding.
“This one might have ended but we can create others.”
“Maybe even ones where we’re not in the backseat of my car. I think my leg is cramping.”
Jungkook giggles.
“I would like that.”
Namjoon presses another kiss to his hair and Jungkook sighs happily.
Jungkook stares at himself in the mirror the next night. Or, more specifically, stares at his neck. Purples and reds mix together on his skin where Namjoon’s lips and teeth had been. He reaches up to tenderly trace the spot, shivers at the feeling and the memory of Namjoon’s teeth sinking lightly into him. Marked. Marked by Namjoon. The thought makes his head spin and he shakes it to try and get a grip.
The words Namjoon had said float through his mind. Not in the backseat of my car. Namjoon still wants more, too. And somewhere where they can be more comfortable. More comfortable to do…other things with each other. The thought makes Jungkook’s breath come out shaky.
He’s not sure when or where they will get this opportunity. It’s not like either of them live alone. Jungkook sighs defeatedly. He glances at his neck again. No, he’s not giving up. Something will come up. Something will happen that lets them be alone with more space than the backseat of a car.
He pulls on the hoodie he was holding and checks his image in the mirror, this time to make sure the spot is covered. Luckily the hoodie is oversized enough that the extra fabric of the large hood covers up most of his neck. He thought of wearing a turtleneck but he only wears those when dressing up and he’s pretty sure Jimin would notice. And both Jimin and Taehyung would definitely notice if he started walking around the apartment wearing a scarf. But even as he leaves the bathroom, his hand absentmindedly cups his neck and bites back a smile.
Turns out Jungkook doesn’t have to wait very long for an opportunity to fall into his lap. He’s sitting on the couch, television on to some program he’s not really watching. He hears Jimin and Tae before he sees them, squabbling about something.
“-and that’s why I always get to pick from now on,” Jimin finishes.
Tae rolls his eyes and walks over to plop down next to Jungkook on the couch.
“Watcha watching?”
Jungkook looks at the screen to try and come up with the name.
“Umm…a show about…umm…”
Tae snickers.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I knew it was that hard a question.”
“I guess I was thinking about something else,” Jungkook replies ruefully.
Tae laughs and pats him on the shoulder.
“Oh hey, I’m expecting a package on Saturday. Can you bring it inside if you’re home when it’s delivered? Jimin and I will both be out all day.”
Jungkook nods.
“Sure, no problem.”
After a moment, his mind starts to really process what he just heard. He turns towards Tae.
“You’ll be out all day? Both of you?”
“Yeah. Stuff to do in the city. I’m scouting a location for a shoot and Jimin is meeting up with an old college friend.”
Jungkook nods slowly and tries to look like these words aren’t making his mind go a mile a minute.
“Oh. Okay. That’s-okay. Good to know,” he stumbles out.
Tae glances at him with a curious crease in his brows but doesn’t say anything and becomes absorbed in the show.
Jungkook chews on his thumbnail. The thought of having Namjoon in his room in an empty apartment has his heart rate speeding up. He hides a smile into his hoodie sleeve and tries and fails to focus on the show again.
Staring down at his phone, Jungkook feels pangs of disappointment in his stomach.
Joon: hey, I didn’t have time to read any this week 😣
He’s about to text an “It’s okay I understand, maybe we can meet next week” when another message pops up.
Joon: But we can still meet if you want to
Joon: I want to
Jungkook feels relief wash over him and types quickly.
Jungkook: I want to ❤️
He presses send before he can chicken out at the heart.
Even though Namjoon had said maybe they can be together in a more private place, Jungkook doesn’t want to seem presumptuous. He decides it’s best to still take the bus and meet Namjoon at the coffee shop. He’s pretty sure he’d die of embarrassment if he suggests meeting at his apartment through text and Namjoon doesn’t want to.
He gets there his usual ten minutes early and heads to the counter.
“Hello. I’ll have a-”
“Vanilla latte, right?” the barista says with a smile.
“Yeah. Yes,” Jungkook nods, a little surprised.
He looks more closely at her and realizes it has been her every time they’ve been here. He smiles and nods again.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. And I’ll go ahead and start on that americano for your boyfriend.”
Jungkook freezes. The barista notices and her eyes widen.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that or assumed. It’s just the way you look at each other and- I’m really really sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking-,” she rushes out.
Jungkook shakes his head and raises his hands.
“No, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Really.”
He doesn’t know why but he doesn’t correct her. This stranger that thinks they are boyfriends. Something about someone thinking that about the two of them gives him a small thrill. When he goes to pay, she shakes her head adamantly.
“No, please. It’s on the house. It’s the least I can do.”
Jungkook protests but she’s already starting the drinks. She hands them over when she’s done with another apologetic smile and moves onto the next customers before he can say anything more.
He sits down with the two drinks, mind going back to what she had said. The way you look at each other. He knows he hadn’t been doing a very good job at controlling how many glances he stole at and with Namjoon but she had said each other . The thought of Namjoon stealing looks too makes him blush. He wonders what Namjoon thinks when he looks at him.
When Namjoon walks in, Jungkook points to the two drinks. Namjoon grins and heads for their table.
“You didn’t have to get my drink.”
“Actually, the barista gave them to us.”
“Really? Huh, I wonder why.”
Jungkook shrugs. Probably best to keep the whole boyfriend thing to himself.
“I’m glad you still wanted to meet. I’m sorry I couldn’t read this week. We’re finishing up a major project proposal. It’ll be a huge deal for us if we land it.”
Jungkook smiles.
“I’m sure you will. With you on the team, there’s no way you won’t.”
He knows the words sound cheesy the second they leave his mouth but he really means it. Namjoon puts 110% into all his does.
“Thanks, Kook. That’s-that’s nice to hear.”
“When will you find out if you get it?”
“They didn’t give us a timeframe but hopefully in a couple weeks? It’s so cool. If everything goes through, we’ll get to go stay in the city and meet all these interesting people.”
Jungkook rests his chin on his hand while he listens to Namjoon chatter away. He loves how passionate Namjoon has always been. Always looking at life in a unique way.
“Sorry, I’m talking too much, aren’t I? I’m just excited, I guess,” Namjoon says almost shyly.
“No you’re not. I- I like hearing you talk. I’ve always liked when you talk,” he says softly, the last part a little more than he really meant to share.
Namjoon’s eyes soften.
“I’ve always felt like I erred on the side of talking too much.”
“I don’t think so. I mean, I guess maybe if we were in a movie theater or something…” Jungkook teases.
Namjoon laughs, dimples on full display.
“Noted. Jeon Jungkook prefers silence during his movies.”
They laugh together and it feels good to just be. Be in this moment, with Namjoon across from him.
“Why have we never been to the movies together?” Namjoon asks.
“I think there was always at least three or four of us and we could never agree on a movie.”
Namjoon nods with another chuckle.
“That sounds right.”
“I guess the two of us have been doing a lot of things we’ve never done together before,” Namjoon says softly.
Jungkook can tell it’s not meant to sound suggestive, just a serious observation about the two of them.
“Yeah. We are,” Jungkook murmurs.
Namjoon leans closer and studies Jungkook’s face carefully.
“It’s not just me, right? This is something that we both want?” Namjoon asks with a tinge of worry in his voice.
The question takes Jungkook by surprise. How could he possibly not know? That Jungkook wants this so much, his entire being feels like it vibrates when Namjoon is near him. That he’s still not entirely sure all this isn’t a dream.
“It’s not just you. I promise. I want-...” Jungkook takes a deep breath.
“I want whatever you want to share with me. Please.”
Namjoon searches his eyes.
“I just had to be sure. I would…I would hate myself if I found out I ever pushed you into anything.”
Jungkook shakes his head firmly.
“I know you would never do that.”
Namjoon swallows and glances quickly down to Jungkook’s lips.
“I want to kiss you right now,” he whispers.
Jungkook’s face heats up and the need to touch and feel starts to trickle into his bloodstream.
“Come back to my place? Jimin and Taehyung will be gone all day. We’ll be alone, promise,” Jungkook breathes out.
He can tell Namjoon isn’t sure but it’s just for a split second. One glance back down at Jungkook’s lips and he nods.
“Let’s go.”
The drive back to Jungkook’s apartment feels like an eternity. When they finally make it, Jungkook feels like the keys are going to spill from his clammy fingers. He doesn’t want Namjoon to mistake his nerves for not wanting to do this so he tries hard to calm himself.
He gets the door open and they step inside, Jungkook locking the door behind them. They slip their shoes off and when Jungkook turns, Namjoon is looking around unsurely. Jungkook feels his heart flutter with affection and he slides his hand into Namjoon’s.
“We can go to my room,” he says softly.
Namjoon nods and lets Jungkook gently pull him towards the stairs. Their fingers are still intertwined as Jungkook leads them up, closing the door once they’re both inside.
When he turns around, Namjoon is looking at him in rapt attention. Namjoon’s hand goes up to caress his cheek, Jungkook tilting into the touch. He sighs and gazes into Namjoon’s eyes. He takes a step back, hoping Namjoon will follow. When he does, Jungkook takes another and another until they are backed up against his bed.
He lowers his body carefully to the bed. It feels like ages and an instant all in one before Namjoon is carefully crawling in over him.
Jungkook’s arms immediately wrap around him. Namjoon hums and reaches up to gently comb through his hair. He places a kiss on Jungkook’s brow and another on his cheek. Jungkook is expecting a kiss to his lips next but Namjoon brings the hand that was in his hair down to his lips. Jungkook’s lips part with a breath when Namjoon starts to trace them carefully. The feather touches tingle and send a flush through Jungkook’s body.
“You’re just something else,” Namjoon breathes, eyes drinking all of Jungkook in.
Jungkook kisses the pad of Namjoon’s finger.
“Please kiss me,” he sighs.
Namjoon nods and leans down, their mouths immediately melding together sweetly. He pushes his tongue into Namjoon’s mouth with need. The hot, wet heat makes his mind spin and his grip on Namjoon tightens.
Jungkook’s breath hitches when he feels Namjoon’s hand move down to the hem of his shirt and push it up.
“Okay?” Namjoon asks in a deep voice.
Jungkook stares into his eyes and pulls him in for another kiss.
“Yes. So…so okay,” he trails off when Namjoon’s warm palm moves over the planes of his abdomen.
Namjoon pushes his shirt up even higher, exposing his whole chest. He looks down at all the exposed skin and swallows.
“Perfect,” Namjoon breathes as he starts to gently glide his fingers over muscle.
Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut and opens them again after a moment. He sees Namjoon looking at him questioningly and lets out an embarrassed laugh.
“Just making sure this is real and I’m not dreaming it.”
Namjoon chuckles and kisses his jaw.
“If you are, we’re dreaming it together.”
“Dreaming together,” Jungkook repeats, barely above a whisper.
Namjoon nods and kisses the edge of his mouth. He wants to share and show himself to Namjoon so much, it’s overwhelming. It’s a little clumsy but he manages to lean up a bit and pull his shirt over his head. Namjoon’s lustful eyes on him send shivers down his spine. He takes Namjoon’s hand and brings it to glide over his chest again.
He doesn’t remember being looked at like this ever in his life. Feeling so seen, shy about it but also wanting it. Namjoon’s fingers go to outline the tattoos that weave up his arm.
“I always thought these were so cool and pretty.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmm hmm. Look so good on you.”
Jungkook reaches up and cups Namjoon’s face, thumb stroking his cheek. He looks beautiful. His pupils are dilated and his skin has a pretty flush to it. Jungkook opens his mouth to tell him but a moan comes out instead when Namjoon brushes over a nipple. Namjoon’s eyes widen and he does it again. The sensitive bud hardens immediately and Jungkook tries to keep in a groan.
Namjoon moves to the other one, his touches setting a match to the want that was already pulsating through Jungkook’s body.
“Yes,” Jungkook whimpers.
Namjoon presses a wet kiss to the middle of his chest, and then moves back up to suck at his jaw while brushing and teasing at his nipples. Jungkook moans needily, the thought that Namjoon is hearing him like this making him self-conscious and turned on at the same time.
He pants with small whines and moans as Namjoon continues the touches. He realizes a moment later he has a leg wrapped around Namjoon. When Namjoon reaches down to knead at his thigh, he shudders and feels blood rushing to his groin. His core is getting hotter and hotter.
Namjoon continues nipping and sucking at his jaw and neck. He sinks his teeth lightly into Jungkook’s skin. Jungkook’s hips jerk and he knows Namjoon can’t be missing the fact that he’s starting to get hard. Namjoon’s hand still on his stomach, Jungkook knows he wants it lower. Wants to feel Namjoon’s hand enveloping him. He looks up at Namjoon from under his eyelashes.
“Will you touch me?”
Namjoon sucks in a breath.
“Yeah. Yeah, want to.”
Jungkook pulls him down into another kiss, panting into Namjoon’s mouth when his hand slides lower. Past the waistband and over the delicate skin right about Jungkook’s growing erection. He nods once more and then Namjoon is gingerly cupping him. The skin on skin contact makes a small whine fall from his lips. Namjoon’s fingers glide over him experimentally but then stop. Jungkook looks into his eyes questioningly.
Namjoon swallows.
“I’ve never…I’ve never touched another man like this before,” he says a bit breathlessly.
“I don’t want to do anything wrong. I just- I want it to feel good for you.”
Jungkook runs a thumb over Namjoon’s brow.
“You won’t do anything wrong. It already feels good to me. Any type of touch from you feels good to me, Namjoon.”
“It does?”
Jungkook smiles softly. He still has no idea.
“Really good.”
“Okay,” Namjoon whispers.
Namjoon moves his hand a little bit, making Jungkook bite down into his lip. He wraps his hand completely around him, starting to pump slowly. Jungkook groans from deep in his chest, fingers digging into Namjoon’s shoulder.
“Kook, can I…can I see?” Namjoon asks, a red flush painting his cheeks.
The words send a wave of flustered heat through Jungkook.
“Yeah,” he pants out.
Namjoon pulls his hand back and lifts off him, settling with his arm propping him up at Jungkook’s side. He leans down to kiss and lick into Jungkook’s mouth, hand going back to wrap around him again.
Jungkook moans into his mouth. He can’t believe Namjoon is about to see him like this but he knows without a doubt that he wants him to see him like this. Canting his hips up slightly, he hooks his thumbs in his waistband and carefully starts to roll down his pants and underwear. Namjoon breaks the kiss to watch, eyes taking in the newly exposed skin. The cool air hits his groin, making Namjoon’s warm hand stand out even more. Just a little lower and his cock springs loose, Namjoon’s hand still around it.
He holds his breath and watches Namjoon soak him in. Sucks in a breath when Namjoon strokes him.
“Wow.”
His eyes travel up to Jungkook’s face, down his chest and to his cock again.
“You look so good,” he murmurs, half to himself.
He lets go of Jungkook and brings just the pads of his fingers to him, gliding them down the shaft and feeling the soft skin. Jungkook wonders if Namjoon even knows how teasing and delicious it feels. Carefully continuing his exploratory touches, Namjoon traces the vein that runs the length. He circles the crown in maddening spirals and presses down.
Jungkook’s fully hard now and everything feels like hot, electric pleasure. Namjoon’s experimental and curious touches feel so extremely intimate. Like not only are Jungkook’s thoughts and words worth attention and care, so is his body.
A bead of precum dribbles out and Namjoon spreads it over the head, making Jungkook moan high in his throat.
“Do that again,” he pants.
When Namjoon does it this time, he presses in on the slit. Jungkook trembles and tries not to jerk his hips up. Namjoon’s fingers play over the head, the skin sticky and sensitive. He taps at the slit and Jungkook whines.
“Fuck,” he gasps.
Fully wrapping his fingers around him again, Namjoon begins to pump. Jungkook’s back arches and he feels like he could melt into the bed under Namjoon’s touch. Namjoon’s long fingers hold and add pressure so perfectly. Even though it feels so good, there’s still something missing.
“Needs more- it’s too dry,” Namjoon says in a strained voice.
Jungkook can’t bear the thought of getting up and rummaging around for his lube. He grabs Namjoon’s wrist to pull his hand up and gathers as much saliva as he can on his tongue and licks Namjoon’s palm and fingers.
“Fuck, so hot,” Namjoon grits out.
This time when he strokes him, the slide is smooth and wet. Jungkook’s hand tangles into his covers as he grips them, moans falling from his mouth. More beads of precum join the saliva and the glide is so good. He feels his muscles tense and he knows his moans are loud but he can’t seem to stop. Namjoon leans down to whisper into his ear.
“I love how you sound,” he mumbles deeply.
The words go straight to Jungkook’s crotch, cock twitching in Namjoon’s hand. Every single one of his nerves is on fire.
“Namjoon. Please. Yes, feels so good,” he whimpers on a shattered breath.
Namjoon presses at his slit again and rolls against his sensitive head and all the building tension snaps. Jungkook trembles as his body reaches a crescendo and he’s coming hard, painting his stomach and Namjoon’s hand white. The waves of pleasure wash through him and he cries out louder than he means to. He buries his face in Namjoon’s neck and his muscles flex and contract and his entire body feels like it’s pulsing. He’s vaguely aware of Namjoon whispering words of encouragement into his ear. Namjoon milks him through it as he finally starts to relax, a couple aftershocks making his shiver.
“That was…wow,” Namjoon says after a moment.
A sudden wave of shyness washes over Jungkook and he doesn’t want to leave his hiding spot of Namjoon’s neck. Namjoon realizes and chuckles. He kisses the top of Jungkook’s hair.
“Was that umm- good?” he asks.
Jungkook giggles into Namjoon’s neck. He finally moves and pulls Namjoon down into a sweet kiss.
“So good,” he murmurs, resting his forehead on Namjoon’s.
Amazingly, mind blowingly, going to think about this later good. Want to do it again good. Everything I’ve wanted for years good. He wants to say all this but something stops him and he’s not sure what.
Reaching over he grabs some tissues off his nightstand. They clean themselves off and throw the tissues in the wastebasket. Jungkook pulls his pants back up with a blush and settles in on his side. Namjoon does the same, eye level with Jungkook. They look at each other and Namjoon smiles at him, dimple popping out. Jungkook can’t stop himself when he leans forward and places a kiss over it, making Namjoon laugh. He holds up his hand and Namjoon twines their fingers together.
“Thank you,” Namjoon says.
“For what?”
“For trusting me. Trusting me with an experience like that.”
“Of course. I- Namjoon, I trust you with anything. Everything,” Jungkook answers, heart spilling open a bit.
Namjoon looks a bit surprised but nods.
“That means a lot,” he murmurs.
They lean in and kiss each other slowly and leisurely, Jungkook never wanting Namjoon to leave his bed.
A sharp ring jars them out of their bubble. Namjoon looks at him with a startled expression. Jungkook realizes it’s the doorbell and waits on edge, hearing a loud thunk followed by heavy footsteps retreating. He breathes a sigh of relief.
“It’s just Tae’s package getting delivered,” he says.
Namjoon’s wide eyes relax and he laughs shortly.
“Oh. Okay.”
Jungkook knows he should go get the package before it’s stolen but he needs a couple more moments. He reaches up and cards through Namjoon’s hair. Namjoon’s expression softens and he gazes into Jungkook’s eyes.
“A next time?” Jungkook asks.
“A next time,” Namjoon murmurs.
Notes:
About the chapter: The book they are reading is The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. It has some interesting/cool ideas but is not inclusive of all people. I have mixed feelings about it.
I can’t believe this chapter is finally done. I hope the emotions and actions between these two came across like how I want them to.Thank you so much for reading! Comments make my day!
Chapter 3
Notes:
As always, sorry I don't get these chapters out sooner. Like I've already mentioned, it's really important to me how these two develop so I want to be careful with them. Thank you so much for reading, it really means a lot to me!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
If Jungkook thought Namjoon was on his mind a lot before, it’s absolutely nothing compared to now. He feels like Namjoon has permeated his being completely. He can still feel the whisper of Namjoon’s fingertips on his bare skin. Can remember the way the touches sent deep, delicious shivers throughout his entire body. He wonders if Namjoon is thinking about him this much. He wants so bad for him to be.
After Namjoon left, Jungkook had climbed back into bed and buried his face into the covers that they were just in. His heart thrummed with residual want and affection. There is definitely no going back now. For whatever reason, sometimes there seems to be a chance to go back after kissing. It’s much harder to go back after doing what they just did. But Jungkook doesn’t want to go back.
Jungkook sighs and stretches in his desk chair. He looks out the long window at the blue sky. It’s a nice day and he’s itching to get outside. He checks his watch and looks back at his computer. He decides he’s made enough progress throughout the morning to earn himself an early lunch.
Getting up and grabbing his backpack, he puts his earbuds in and heads for the elevators. He takes a deep breath of fresh air when he makes it outside, a smile crossing his face. He starts to head for the closest coffee shop; he knows the one two streets over has a nice outdoor patio.
He grins down at his phone as he walks, opening his text thread with Namjoon where Namjoon had sent him cute good morning emojis. He opens his camera and brings his phone up to snap a quick picture of the pretty sky, sending it to Namjoon.
Once he makes it to coffee shop, he sees there’s a bit of a line. He has plenty of time so he steps inside. Nose still buried in his phone, he senses someone get in line behind. He doesn’t pay it much attention until he hears the person speak up.
“Jungkook?”
The voice sounds familiar but he can’t quite place it. He turns around and his heart stops.
He sees Dae looking at him curiously. When she sees that it really is him, a warm smile crosses her face.
“I thought that was you! I wasn’t sure,” she says.
Jungkook swallows and hopes his eyes don’t look as wide as they feel.
“H-hey. Yeah, it’s me. Umm, h-how are you?” he replies awkwardly.
“Good! Everything’s good. How about you? I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Same. I mean, good. I’m doing good.”
She nods, eyes open and kind. She really is pretty, Jungkook thinks. Pretty and nice. And Namjoon’s girlfriend. The words “I’ve been seeing your boyfriend” suddenly pop into his head and he almost drops his phone. He catches it just as it lights up with a message. A message from Namjoon. Jungkook’s heart stops again and he quickly presses the lock screen, peeking up at Dae to see if she is staring at him like he’s a weirdo. He relaxes very slightly when he sees she’s not.
“I’m glad to hear that,” she smiles.
“You are?” Jungkook asks, wincing at how surprised he sounds.
Dae laughs.
“Of course. I know how important you are to Namjoon. I wish the best for all his friends.”
“That’s so kind of you,” Jungkook says softly.
Dae shrugs like it’s nothing. The barista calls for the next customer and Jungkook steps up to place his order. He chews on his lip and glances back at Dae.
“Umm I’ll get her order, too,” he says to the barista.
He’s not sure why he does it. Sorry I’m in love with your boyfriend coffee? He tries to shake off his guilt and pretend it’s just a straightforward act of kindness. Dae blinks in surprise.
“You don’t have to do that. Really,” she says.
“It’s nothing. Please,” he motions for her to order.
She looks like she’s contemplating protesting some more but decides against it and gives the barista her order. Jungkook quickly pays and they step to the side to wait for their drinks.
“That was really nice of you, thank you.”
“It’s nothing,” he repeats, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets to keep from fidgeting.
There’s a moment of silence and Jungkook tries to think of something to say but Dae beats him to it.
“So how was Yoongi’s party? I asked Namjoon but he didn’t have much to say about it.”
Jungkook’s pretty sure all the color drains from his face. Does she know something? Is that why she’s asking, trying to get a confession out of him? He looks over at her but she looks completely relaxed and comfortable, no signs of suspicion or anger at all.
“It was…good,” he answers slowly.
When Dae just smiles and nods, he decides it’s okay to add more.
“I’m glad we all pulled it off. Yoongi usually never lets us do stuff for him.”
Dae chuckles.
“Yeah, that’s what Namjoon’s told me. Well, good. I’m glad you guys had an enjoyable night.”
Jungkook blushes and nods, trying to keep his mind from really thinking about what happened that night. The barista calls out their orders and they pick them up.
“Well, I’d better head back to the office. It was nice to see and chat with you. And thank you for this!” she says, raising her cup.
“Nice to see you, too.”
He watches as she opens the door and heads out, long hair flowing softly behind her as she gives him one last wave and heads down the sidewalk. He plops down at the nearest empty table, his idea of sitting outside on the patio long forgotten.
A pang of guilt hits him. It’s not like he wasn’t aware that what they are doing is wrong. Until now, his mind’s just been so preoccupied with the good stuff. The kissing, the talking, the being together. Seeing Dae in person brought him back to reality in a way he doesn’t want.
Namjoon already has a person. A person who he has a real relationship with. Jungkook stiffens when he feels a knot in his throat. He can’t start crying in the middle of coffee shop. He swallows and tries to take some deep breaths. He manages to calm himself somewhat and picks up his drink.
Slowly, he starts to walk back to work. He feels a bit shaken up and wants someone to talk to. Feelings of guilt and sadness swirl within him. Is he a bad person? No, he thinks, he doesn’t want the answer to that.
He realizes he’d never checked the message that Namjoon had sent. Taking his phone out, he opens it and presses the text icon. A view of the blue sky from Namjoon’s office window fills his screen. Underneath the picture is a single red heart. And Jungkook knows. Knows that under all these emotions, he feels something even stronger that won’t let him stop this.
Jungkook, albeit guiltily, manages to push the run in with Dae out of his mind. He knows he shouldn’t be able to do this at all and tries not to harp on the fact that he can. Rational thinking has been gone for a while now when it comes to Namjoon. Namjoon who has him completely and he doesn’t even know it.
He’s playing on his phone, tucked in on the couch with a blanket when Jimin flops down next to him.
“Want to go to that new dumpling place with me and Tae this Saturday? One of my coworkers said it’s really good,” Jimin says.
Jungkook puts his phone down and looks at him.
“This weekend?”
Jimin nods.
“Oh, ummm. I think I might have plans already.”
“Okay,” Jimin shrugs.
He goes to turn the t.v. on but then glances back at Jungkook with a raised eyebrow.
“Plans that make you blush?” he teases slowly.
Jungkook’s hand immediately goes to his cheeks and he feels the heat.
“You also never told me how that “maybe date” went,” he adds.
Jungkook chews on his lip and does a quick inventory of what he can share with Jimin. He knows about the date but would never guess who it was actually with. Maybe it’s safe to share just a little bit? It would be nice to have somebody to talk to about this, even if it’s just little half truths. His face breaks into a shy smile and Jimin’s eyes widen.
“It went well. It umm…definitely was a date.”
Jimin lets out a screech and slaps Jungkook’s thigh playfully.
“I can’t believe you didn’t say anything! Especially after all my styling help,” he huffs.
Jungkook laughs and tries to act casual.
“So who is it? Do I know them?” Jimin asks.
Jungkook shakes his head immediately.
“No, you don’t know him,” he replies firmly. “He just…I’m not ready to-”
“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna make you tell me,” Jimin says kindly.
Jungkook nods gratefully and smiles at Jimin.
“I really like him,” he admits quietly.
JImin grins and coos, making Jungkook roll his eyes.
“And let me guess, he couldn't keep his eyes off you in that outfit,” Jimin says proudly.
Jungkook remembers the way Namjoon’s eyes had traveled down his body that night and he blushes harder.
“He totally couldn’t!” Jimin shrieks when he sees.
Jungkook tries to cover his cheeks and laughs when Jimin literally pats himself on the back. They fall back in a fit of giggles and it feels good. Good to be able to share the tiniest bit about the biggest thing in his life.
He calls Namjoon when he goes back to his room, hushed tones late into the night as they tell each other about their days. Hearing Namjoon’s voice over the phone still makes his heart flutter. He’s not sure why; he should be used to Namjoon’s voice by now. There’s just something about that deep voice speaking into his ear, talking just for him. He bites his lip and feels himself flush. The want for alone time with Namjoon has been building up inside Jungkook more and more. He inhales sharply at the memory of Namjoon's lips and fingertips on him.
“Jungkook? You okay?”
He swallows.
“Yeah. Just…” he takes a deep breath.
“Can you come over again on Saturday?” he asks shyly.
He hears Namjoon suck in a breath.
“They’ll be out,” he reassures.
“Okay. Yes, I…I want…yes,” Namjoon stumbles out quietly.
“Okay,” Jungkook murmurs.
There’s a charged silence before Namjoon clears his throat.
“Damn, I wish I had the power to speed up time,” Namjoon sighs.
Jungkook giggles into the phone looks at the time.
“Well, it’s midnight so technically only two more days.”
“Midnight? Oh wow, I didn’t even realize,” Namjoon replies.
“Guess we’d better call it a night,” Jungkook says.
“Think so.”
“Goodnight, Namjoon.”
“Night, Kook. Two days.”
“Two days,” Jungkook echoes softly.
Jungkook checks the time nervously. He had promised to text Namjoon the moment that Jimin and Taehyung left but they are taking forever. He can’t think of an excuse to ask why they haven’t left yet that doesn’t sound rude and suspicious. Even though he had mentioned to Jimin that he might have plans, he thought it might be pushing it to say those plans had him at home.
He paces their tiny kitchen and then opens the fridge to take out a juice, not really thirsty but needing a distraction. He downs half the bottle and drums his fingers on the counter impatiently. Tae is on the living room couch and Jimin is in his room. Jungkook sits on the edge of the old arm chair across from the couch and tries not to shoot restless glances at Tae. His ears perk up when he hears Jimin come out of his room.
“I’m hungry. Want to head out?” he asks Tae when he walks into the living room.
Jungkook feels himself nodding for Taehyung and wills his head still. Tae stretches and nods, standing up slowly.
“You sure you don’t want to go?” he asks with a glance back.
“Yes, I’m sure. I mean-I’m just not very hungry right now,” Jungkook answers quickly.
Taehyung nods and Jimin gives him a knowing wink as they head for the front door.
“Well, have fun with wherever the day takes you,” Jimin says playfully.
Jungkook rolls his eyes and tries not to blush. He waits a couple moments after the door closes behind them and then pulls out his phone. His hands are a little shaky as he texts Namjoon, butterflies when Namjoon replies he’ll be over soon.
When Namjoon texts that he’s here, Jungkook jumps off the couch and opens the door. Seeing Namjoon’s tall figure walk towards him with a smile on his face makes his heart thump loudly in his chest.
“Hi” Namjoon greets softly once he’s in front of him.
“Hi,” Jungkook echoes as he reaches out.
He pulls Namjoon in and closes the door behind him. They stand there looking at each for a moment.
“Missed you,” Jungkook says into the quiet space.
Namjoon takes a step closer.
“I’m here now,” he murmurs, running a finger over Jungkook’s cheek.
The touch feels soft and warm and Jungkook sighs happily. He takes Namjoon’s hand and twines their fingers together. His other hand lands on Namjoon’s chest. That heartbeat again. The one that he can’t believe picks up speed for him. He looks into Namjoon’s eyes but closes them when Namjoon’s plush lips land on his.
He loves the way Namjoon kisses him, a mix of heated want with soft care. His hand goes from Namjoon’s chest to the back of his neck, pulling him in closer. Wanting Namjoon for so long makes each time they kiss feel like a dreamy daze. Moments with soft edges that seem steeped half in Jungkook’s mind and half in reality.
Namjoon groans softly into his mouth when his fingers tangle in the hair at the nape of his neck. The sound goes straight to Jungkook’s core and he wants to hear it again. Wants to be the reason for the sound.
He starts to back towards the stairs, lips still on Namjoon. He doesn’t have to say anything this time, just turns around and leads the way to his room.
They fall into his bed immediately, a tangle of limbs as they press kisses all over each other. Jungkook licks a wet strip over Namjoon’s throat, earning another deep moan. He wants wants wants. Pulling them higher up the bed and more into the pillows, he presses Namjoon’s shoulder so he’ll lean back. When he does, Jungkook slides gently into his lap. Namjoon’s hands find his waist and hold him tight.
He leaves a trail of wet kisses down Namjoon’s neck. His hands push under the sleeve’s of Namjoon’s t-shirt, gliding over the biceps. He kisses into Namjoon’s mouth deeply and moves one hand lower, tentatively brushing up the hem of the t-shirt.
When he sees Namjoon is okay with the touches, he glides his fingers up under his shirt, hand splayed over his stomach. The soft skin over hard muscle feels so good under his fingertips. He swallows hard. He needs to see.
Pulling back slightly, Namjoon gazes at him intently. Jungkook’s eyes travel over his face and then down his chest to where his hand is under the shirt.
“Take it off?” Namjoon asks breathlessly.
Jungkook nods. Both his hands raise the shirt higher, exposing more and more skin. Namjoon lifts his arms and lets Jungkook pull it all the way off and Jungkook feels like he’s in a trance.
All the golden skin he’s caught glimpses of throughout the years and always wanted to touch is right here in front of him. He doesn’t even realize he’s staring until Namjoon clears his throat. He looks up at Namjoon, eyes wide with lust.
“You’re so hot,” he mumbles.
Namjoon's eyes widen with surprise and he barks out a laugh, hand brushing down his face like he can’t believe all this.
He reaches out and carefully traces Namjoon’s pectorals. He needs Namjoon to know. To know how intensely he is attracted to him. How he feels like he could glow with it. If he can’t find the words, he will show him with his touches. With his mouth.
Flattening his palm over Namjoon’s chest, he feels that racing heartbeat one more time for reassurance. He follows the dips and plateaus of Namjoon’s body with his hands, absolutely enamored by it all. Goosebumps erupt over Namjoon’s skin at the touches.
“I like touching you,” Jungkook says softly.
“F-feels good,” Namjoon replies, chewing on his lip when Jungkook massages into his chest.
The two words give Jungkook enough confidence to brush a finger softly over a nipple. Namjoon’s breath hitches.
“Yeah?” Jungkook asks, a bit breathless himself.
Namjoon nods with wide eyes. Jungkook brings his fingertips to both nipples and starts to slowly caress and squeeze. The buds harden and Namjoon pushes up into his touches and breathes heavily. Jungkook places a wet kiss on his collar bone, the warm skin feeling good under his lips. Wanting to leave more kisses, he slides lower down in Namjoon’s lap.
He kisses wetly down Namjoon’s bare chest, leaving one directly over Namjoon’s heart. Kissing down the middle of his chest, he marvels at the way his wet lips leave Namjoon’s skin glistening. Namjoon tenses when Jungkook licks over a rib. Jungkook looks up to see Namjoon looking at him with that look that makes him want to melt into the night sky.
It feels like he’s moving in slow motion when he moves to lick softly over a nipple. Namjoon groans and it burns through Jungkook. He swirls his tongue over the bud, the sound of Namjoon’s gasps the only thing in his mind. He moves to the other one after a couple of moments, Namjoon’s chest now full of shine. Kissing back down his stomach, Jungkook slides even lower. Namjoon’s abdominals tense again and he reaches down to brush a hand through Jungkook’s hair. Jungkook hums at the touch and breathes hotly over Namjoon’s skin.
He can tell Namjoon is starting to get hard and he wants to touch and see so badly. He looks up at Namjoon with questioning eyes.
“Namjoon. Can I make you feel good?”
Namjoon looks up at the ceiling like he still can’t believe this is happening. Jungkook bites back a smile and waits patiently. Namjoon looks back down at him and traces his cheek.
“Yeah. Whatever you want I want.”
“Want this. So bad,” Jungkook pants.
He litters soft kisses over Namjoon and starts to mouth at the sensitive skin under his navel. Reaching up, he tenderly places a hand over Namjoon’s crotch. He earns another groan and sighs happily.
His fingers are shaky when they go unbutton Namjoon’s pants and slowly slide the zipper down. Namjoon lifts his hips slightly so Jungkook can pull them down lower on his hips. Namjoon’s cock slips out of the confines of his underwear and Jungkook bites back his own moan. He’s big and pretty. Seeing Namjoon like this is the definition of all his darkest wants and desires. His mouth waters and he wants to worship. Plus, he should have known Namjoon would have a nice cock. Everything else about him is.
He traces a finger down a vein, doing what Namjoon had done to him. Namjoon moans softly. When Jungkook glances up at him, he sees his whole chest and his cheeks are flushed red.
“Okay?”
“Mmhm. Just never…it’s new,” Namjoon huffs out with a chuckle.
“But I definitely…want this. With you,” he adds.
Jungkook reaches for his hands and tangles their fingers together.
“Positive?” he asks.
“100%.”
Jungkook laughs and kisses the back of Namjoon’s hand. Namjoon cards gently through Jungkook’s hair again.
“Been touching me so good,” he praises.
Jungkook whimpers softly and begins to stroke Namjoon slowly. His erection fills out completely and Jungkook admires how hot he looks. He starts to pump faster, more moans falling from Namjoon’s lips. A thick bead of precum gathers at the tip and Jungkook spreads it over the head.
Namjoon groans and throws his head back, the long column of his neck on display. Jungkook stares in awe. His mouth waters again. He uses the saliva that's gathered on his tongue and opens his lips to let it trail from his mouth down Namjoon’s cock. He watches as it slides down the shaft, a glossy trail left in its path.
“Holy shit,” Namjoon says, eyes now back to gazing hotly down at Jungkook.
“Want you in my mouth,” Jungkook murmurs with a hot blush.
Namjoon curses quietly and nods. Jungkook holds him at the base and peeks his tongue out to kitten lick across the head. Namjoon shudders hard. The taste of him makes Jungkook groan and he does it again. Then he parts his lips and starts to sink his mouth slowly and wetly down Namjoon’s erection.
Namjoon groans deeply in his chest, grip tightening where their hands are still intertwined. Jungkook hollows his cheeks and stays still, letting Namjoon just be in his hot mouth. His lips are stretched in what he sure looks absolutely obscene but the thought just makes him flutter with want. He starts to move his mouth up and down teasingly slowly, loving the pleasure that he’s drawing out of Namjoon.
“Fuck, that feels good,” Namjoon grits out.
Jungkook hums happily but that just makes Namjoon grip the sheets hard in his other hand. Namjoon looks so beautiful, pleasure etched across his face. Jungkook watches him under his eyelashes, determined to remember every moment of this. Always a small fear that this is the last time, that Namjoon will come to his senses and call this off. That Namjoon will realize he’s not worth this. He tries to push those thoughts away. He needs to be in this moment, not worry about others. And in this moment, his fantasies are coming true right before his eyes. The waves have them both under and he can’t breath but he loves it.
Pulling off, he flattens his tongue and licks the underside of Namjoon’s shaft. Every muscle in Namjoon’s body is taut and his low moans fill the room. My room, Jungkook thinks. My bed. My Namjoon.
This time, he points his tongue and teases Namjoon’s slit.
“Yeah, just like that,” Namjoon groans.
The praise mixes with all the other sounds Namjoon is making and makes Jungkook moan again.
“Like when I talk to you?”
The way Namjoon says it like he thinks it’s hot but also genuinely wants to know sends another warm jolt through Jungkook.
“Yes,” Jungkook answers shakily.
He goes back to licking and fluttering his tongue over Namjoon quickly, shy at the admission.
Namjoon hums deeply. Jungkook opens his mouth and engulfs Namjoon in wet heat again. Namjoon’s head falls back and he groans loudly.
“Making me feel so good,” Namjoon grits out.
Jungkook’s eyes start to water when Namjoon hits the back of his throat. Namjoon looks back down at him with wide eyes.
“Fuck,” he murmurs in awe.
He reaches out and hesitates for a moment.
“Can I?” he asks shakily.
Jungkook gazes at him under wet lashes and nods the best he can, giving Namjoon’s hand a squeeze. Namjoon’s fingers bury in his hair, pulling slightly in a way that makes Jungkook moan.
“That’s it. So good,” Namjoon pants.
Jungkook watches as Namjoon arches off the pillows with shallow breaths and curses spilling from his mouth.
“I’m close, fuck,” he groans.
Jungkook pulls off and teases wetly at his slit again while his hand pumps. Namjoon shudders, abdomen tightening as his orgasm starts to crash through him. The sight of Namjoon experiencing so much pleasure is the most beautiful and intimate thing Jungkook’s ever seen. Chest flushed and shiny with sweat, his hand still pulling Jungkook’s hair in a satisfying tug. Jungkook watches in lustful reverence as ropes of cum hit his lips. Everything about Namjoon just looks so good, so present in this sensual and arousing moment that is just for them. Namjoon sinks his teeth into his plush lower lip and tries to keep his hips from jerking too much, breath coming out in short, strained gasps.
Still stroking him through it slowly, Jungkook licks his own lips to taste Namjoon’s release. When Namjoon starts to relax, Jungkook starts to gingerly lick him clean. Namjoon twitches slightly at the overstimulation but relaxes again after a moment and combs through Jungkook’s hair as he works carefully. The moment he’s done, Namjoon is pulling him up.
“Come here,” he murmurs.
They fall into a hot, wet kiss until Namjoon pulls away to look into his eyes.
“Holy shit, Jeon Jungkook.”
Jungkook can’t help the laugh that escapes him, accompanied by a fresh blush. Namjoon hastily tucks himself back into his pants and then reaches for Jungkook again. Jungkook’s arms wrap around him as they kiss, happy and content.
“You looked s-so good,” he murmurs into Namjoon’s ear shyly.
“Me? You’re the one that looked incredible,” Namjoon laughs.
Jungkook shakes his head and looks intently at Namjoon. Namjoon takes in his expression curiously. All Jungkook can do is trace his cheekbone and lean back in to place a soft kiss on his lips.
Jungkook’s heart hurts a little when, after another round of gentle kisses and murmurs, they both realize Namjoon should get going. They have no idea when Jimin and Taehyung will be back. He walks Namjoon to the door, hand still holding onto him and not wanting to let go. Namjoon gives him a soft smile and kisses his forehead.
“See you soon?” he asks.
Jungkook nods and tries to smile. Namjoon tilts his head and frowns.
“Hey. Soon, okay? I promise,” he says softly.
“Okay,” Jungkook nods.
Before Namjoon can turn around, Jungkook pulls him into another heated kiss.
“One for the road,” he pants out when they part.
Namjoon laughs a bit breathlessly and squeezes Jungkook’s waist.
Jungkook replays the day over and over in his head later that night, the sights and sounds of Namjoon filling his mind. His cheeks flush at the memories and he was able to control it earlier but not now, not in the quiet aloneness of his room. The memory of Namjoon’s praises and groans play on repeat as he slides his hand inside his sweats and begins to stroke himself. He bites his lip to try and keep quiet, working himself up quickly. The image of Namjoon’s pretty chest arching off the pillows as he came is what sends him over the edge, body tensing and trembling as he comes over his fist and wishes it was Namjoon’s.
They start texting more and more during the week, updating each other on their days or just sending sweet, little messages to each other that make Jungkook smile into his phone at work.
His phone pings on Thursday with a message. His heart flutters as he finishes typing the email he was about to send off, hoping the message is from Namjoon. He grins when he sees it is.
Joon: Have you read more of the book?
Jungkook: Yeah, I read a couple more sections
Joon: Me too
Would you want to meet up during lunch today to talk about it?
I know a nice park that’s about halfway between the both of us
Jungkook: Yes. Definitely.
Joon: How does 12:30 sound?
Jungkook: Perfect
Jungkook works nonstop for the next couple of hours, trying to get as much work done as possible so nobody will miss him if he takes a longer lunch that afternoon. He finally sits back from his computer screen, satisfied with all he’s managed to do. Checking the time, he decides it’s okay to head out.
Not having expected to be seeing Namjoon today, he ducks into the bathroom to fuss with his hair and splash his face with water. Even though Namjoon has seen him at his best and his worst, this new aspect of their relationship has him hyper aware that he wants Namjoon to find him attractive. Desirable. Like he’s done countless times since it happened, he thinks back to seeing Namjoon’s blown out eyes looking down at him while he was in his mouth. He needs to splash his face again.
He checks the park name Namjoon had given him. He doesn’t recognize the name but trusts the directions Namjoon had provided. It’s another sunny and beautiful day out and Jungkook smiles softly at the light breeze that runs through his hair.
He reaches the park after walking for a while, surprised at never having been before. He thought he knew most of the area pretty well but this is definitely new. He would have remembered the pretty flower beds that line the pathways and the cute little bridge that seems to lead deeper into the park.
Sensing Namjoon before he’s actually next to him, he looks over to his left and can’t help the shy smile that spreads across his face. Even though they had been texting, this is the first time they’ve seen each other since Saturday. Namjoon seems to think this too, walking up with already tinged cheeks and biting his lip.
“Hey,Kook” Namjoon says softly.
Jungkook wants to lean up and kiss him so badly but of course he doesn’t.
“Hi,” he replies.
He looks back out at the pretty park he’s somehow never noticed before and looks back at Namjoon, shaking his head in wonder.
“What?” Namjoon chuckles.
“How do you do it?”
Namjoon tilts his head.
“Do what?”
“Always find these amazing, unique places that so many other people seem to miss. Including me.”
Namjoon laughs.
“I don’t know. I think people are often just thinking about the next thing, however important or mundane, they need to do and miss the world around them. Not saying I don’t do it too, I just try to also take time to pay attention to the world that is outside my own head.”
Jungkook listens carefully and nods.
“And you aren’t missing them. Not if I’m bringing you to them,” Namjoon adds with a smile.
Jungkook's heart skips a beat and he wants so badly to reach out and take Namjoon’s hand.
“Will you always bring me to them?”
It sounds more serious than he meant and he’s not even sure the question makes sense. But Namjoon just looks over at him with intense and thoughtful eyes.
“Yes.”
They walk slowly down the winding pathways, just enjoying each other’s presence. Jungkook steals a peek over at Namjoon, watching the way the breeze glides through his hair and the way he looks happily at the trees and sky that surround them.
“I can feel your eyes on me,” Namjoon says softly.
He pulls his gaze from the sky to Jungkook.
“Oh.”
Jungkook feels his cheeks redden in embarrassment at being caught but something in the way Namjoon is looking tells him it’s okay.
“I like looking at you,” he adds quietly.
The words make Namjoon look down at his feet with a shy smile. Jungkook heartstrings pull with the want to shower Namjoon with all the things he really thinks about him. All the beauty that he sees in him.
“I was thinking about what you said last time about self love. How hard it can be?”
Jungkook nods to show he remembers.
“If we, as human beings, are on a constant journey of growth, then it’s okay that we are also on a constant journey of self love. Fromm doesn’t really word it like that but I think…I don’t know. Emotions aren’t stagnant. They are always moving on to new stages. So it’s okay if we are too.”
Jungkook lets the words soak into his mind. He smiles softly at the comfort they bring him.
“I like that.”
He looks over at Namjoon with a grin.
“A very Namjoon outlook on life.”
Namjoon laughs and shrugs.
“I don’t know if what I say helps at all but-”
“It does. A lot.” Jungkook interrupts.
Namjoon searches Jungkook’s serious expression and slowly nods.
“Can I show you something?”
“Of course.”
Namjoon leads them over the bridge, pulling them deeper into the escape of nature. It’s all so pretty, Jungkook’s eyes taking in the dancing shadows of the leaves and the sway of the trees.
As they walk, there are less and less people. Namjoon stops at a tall hedge of bushes with a tiny opening that is barely visible. He motions for Jungkook to enter.
“Are you sure we’re allowed in there?” Jungkook asks, eyeing the small entrance.
“Positive. Do you trust me?” Namjoon smiles, starting to walk through.
“Yes,” Jungkook answers without hesitation.
He follows Namjoon, curious now. The space is definitely still part of the park, but more secluded, the tall hedges offering privacy and a peaceful quiet. There’s a bed of small, bright flowers, their pretty yellow color seeming to greet them cheerfully. There’s a tall tree with long branches reaching out above the hedges, somehow making the space seem even more private.
“Cool, huh?” Namjoon says proudly.
Jungkook looks at him with wide eyes.
“I feel like I’m in a painting,” he breathes.
Namjoon laughs and surprises Jungkook when he throws his bag on the ground and lies on his back on the plush bed of grass. He pats the spot next to him and Jungkook follows suit, the soft grass cradling his head.
“What did you think about “ Love and Its Disintegration in Contemporary Western Society ?” Jungkook asks, quoting the chapter title.
“Western society,” Namjoon huffs.
“I mean, it wouldn’t be right to assume that one’s culture doesn’t have some sort of influence on their perception of love. But Western culture? I don’t want my perception of love to be based solely on Western culture ideals. It’s not. But I do agree the importance of love, no matter the type, gets lost in any capitalist society.”
Namjoon lets his head fall to the side to look over at Jungkook.
“Sorry, that was kind of a long winded answer.”
“Stop apologizing for talking!” Jungkook laughs.
“I asked you, I wanted to know. Like I told you, I like when you talk to me. And tell me your thoughts,” Jungkook adds, voice softening.
Namjoon smiles at him and nods.
“Okay,” he murmurs.
“That’s a sad thought, really. Losing sight of love because of a society that tells you other things, trivial things, are more important,” Jungkooks muses.
“It’s a really sad thought,” Namjoon agrees.
Jungkook looks up at the sky. It’s the perfect shade of blue that seems almost too lovely to be true. He watches as fluffy, white clouds pass over them. Everything feels so nice. The sound of the leaves rustling, the smell of grass, the feeling of having Namjoon’s body close by.
“When I was younger, I always wanted to float away on a cloud,” Namjoon says wistfully.
Jungkook tilts his head to the side to look over at him.
“Young me hadn’t realized I would just, you know, fall right through.”
Jungkook bursts out laughing. He looks back up at the clouds.
“Still a nice thought. Escaping away into the sky,” he says.
Namjoon hums in agreement. He brings his hand up to point at a large, almost opaque cloud.
“I would pick the biggest one I could see so I wouldn’t have to worry about falling off.”
Jungkook giggles again.
“Makes sense. So is that the one you pick today to take you away?”
Namjoon searches the sky again.
“Definitely looks like the best one to be taken away on,” he confirms.
“Can I go with you?” Jungkook asks softly.
Namjoon glances over at him with glittering eyes.
“I would like that.”
The excitement of being like this with Namjoon out in the world takes over and his hand finds Namjoon’s and takes it. Namjoon’s fingers lace with his easily. He lifts their hands up, the blue sky a backdrop to them. His thumb smooths over the ink on Jungkook’s knuckles.
“Pretty,” he murmurs.
Jungkook smiles, watching the way that Namjoon’s fingers caress over his. He sighs happily, the sound carried away on the soft breeze.
“Tell me about your week,” Namjoon says.
And Jungkook does. It feels good to talk to Namjoon. It always has, but there’s something a little different now. It doesn’t really make sense but something about the way he listens is now…intimate. He’s not listening to Jungkook in the way friends listen to each other. It’s more.
“Okay, well now I feel like I just talked too much,” Jungkook says self consciously when he realizes how long he’s been talking.
“No, no! I like when you open up. I-I like being with you, just talking,” Namjoon finishes softly.
Jungkook feels his heart squeeze at the sweet words. He rolls over to lay on his stomach, propped up on his elbows.
The blue sky was pretty but looking at Namjoon, dark hair splayed out over the green grass and skin sun kissed, he’s even prettier. He wants a picture of this. Namjoon, just his in this moment, smiling up at him.
Namjoon reaches over and gingerly twists a strand of Jungkook’s hair around a finger.
“Like your hair like this.”
“Really?”
“Mmhm. Brings out your features nicely.”
Jungkook wonders what features Namjoon notices the most about him but is too shy to ask.
“Did you ever notice we have the same spot on our chin?” he asks.
Namjoon glances down to his lips, eyes lingering, and then to his chin.
“I did. We match,” he murmurs.
Jungkook has always wanted to kiss that spot, right under Namjoon’s mouth. So he does. He leans down, hair falling over his face and curtaining Namjoon in, lips landing softly on his chin. Namjoon’s breath hitches at the soft touch. Jungkook pulls away slightly to look at him again. He’s gorgeous.
Leaning down slowly, giving Namjoon time to tell him if it’s too much for the outside world, Jungkook’s eyes travel over Namjoon’s plush lips. Namjoon doesn’t push him away, say “not here, not now”, just watches as Jungkook leans lower.
It feels so good when their lips finally connect, fusing together in ways that Jungkook knows he’s never felt with anyone else. This is it for him. They kiss each other sweetly, nobody there to watch but the sun above them. Soft and languid, mouths melting into each other like sweet ice cream.
Jungkook presses chaste kisses over Namjoon’s cheekbones, his jawline. His hair tickles over Namjoon’s skin, making Namjoon blink and laugh. They kiss and laugh, a moment almost too perfect for Jungkook to bear.
Jungkook’s pretty sure he goes back to work after that but he can’t remember anything but the feeling of Namjoon’s soft lips.
Joon: Umm just a heads up I’m at your apartment
Jungkook blinks down at his phone, his heart picking up speed and not from the run he’s currently on. He’s about to text back excitedly but then his mind clears up enough to realize that Jimin and Taehyung will likely be home.
Joon: Jimin wanted help going over some documents he has to turn in for work and invited me over
I hope thats okay
Oh, that makes more sense.
Jungkook: Of course!
Thanks for the heads up tho
I might have walked in and starting kissing you
The endorphins from the run must have him running high. He feels his cheeks immediately heat at sending the last text.
Joon: I would have liked that too much
Jungkook bites his lip in a smile. He thinks for a minute, wondering if he should stay out longer or head back now. He doesn’t want Namjoon to think he’s desperate but… he is. Even if tonight means staying checked in their friendship boxes, any extra time he can get with Namjoon is worth it. He turns around and starts to jog back the way he came.
When he gets home, Namjoon and Jimin are sitting on the couch looking at Jimin’s laptop. Jungkook shakes his sweaty bangs out of his eyes, eyes instantly falling on Namjoon.
“Hey,” he says more breathlessly than he means.
Namjoon smiles at him, eyes raking over the shirt that clings to his damp chest. It makes Jungkook shiver. He wants to take Namjoon to his room again, doesn’t care that Jimin would wonder what they’re doing. Wants to peel off his sweaty shirt with Namjoon’s eyes on him, crash their lips together and fall into the deep end.
A chuckle from Jimin snaps him out of his thoughts. Jungkook’s eyes widen and he looks over at him. He relaxes a bit when he sees Jimin is still looking at the glowing screen of his laptop.
“Why do you sound so out of breath? You weren’t even gone that long,” he says.
Jungkook glances over at Namjoon again who bites back a shy grin and looks at his hands.
“Oh. I was running…fast,” Jungkook answers dumbly.
Jimin nods distractedly and points out something on the screen to Namjoon. Namjoon peels his eyes off Jungkook and looks at what Jimin is showing him. Jungkook heads for the stairs, glancing back at Namjoon right as he looks up again.
“Be right back,” he mouths to him, smiling when Namjoon nods with shining eyes.
He strips off his clothes once he’s in the bathroom and steps under the hot water of the shower. His mind wanders back to the way Namjoon was looking at him and his hand slips over his wet chest. He skims over a nipple and his breath hitches. Closing his eyes, he imagines it’s Namjoon’s hand instead. He travels lower, fingertips playing over his abdomen.
He takes a deep breath. He can’t do this right now. Can’t get off in the shower to thoughts of Namjoon while Namjoon is downstairs in his living room. Shaking his head to clear it, he pushes those thoughts away and finishes his shower.
After changing into a fresh pair of sweats and large t-shirt, he takes another calming breath before he heads downstairs. Jimin is down there. He has to act normal.
He pads back down to the living room and settles himself in the chair next to the couch. Namjoon glances over at him. They smile softly at each other until the sound of Jimin’s voice startles the both of them. Namjoon goes back to listening and helping Jimin. Jungkook pulls out his phone and scrolls through apps absentmindedly as listens to the conservation. He’s not exactly sure what Jimin is talking about, something about needing the correct format and annotation style, but Namjoon calmly explains and answers all of Jimin’s questions. It makes Jungkook smile. Namjoon; always so patient and helpful with everyone around him.
They work for about another twenty minutes until Jimin closes his laptop triumphantly and with a sigh of relief. Jungkook looks up from his phone.
“Thank you so much for coming over so last minute, Namjoon. I really appreciate it,” Jimin says with a bright smile.
“No problem. Although, you’re smart. I think you would have figured it out eventually.”
Jimin snorts.
“Ha. I’ve spent the past week trying to figure it out on my own with no luck. It would have been eventually eventually.”
Namjoon and Jungkook laugh.
“Want to stay for dinner? Taehyung is working late. It’ll just be the three of us,” Jimin says.
Namjoon looks down at his watch.
“I don’t know…”
“Come on,” Jimin groans, “life’s too short not to have dinner with friends.”
Namjoon chuckles and looks over at Jungkook who nods and mouths “please” while Jimin puts his papers away.
“Okay, I’ll stay,” Namjoon answers, still looking at Jungkook.
They end up just ordering in, setting up at the small dining room table. Jimin chatters away excitedly as they eat, oblivious to the little shared glances and hidden smiles. Namjoon does a good job at talking to both of them but Jungkook has trouble keeping up with all of Jimin’s stories. It’s a strange dynamic. Jimin not even realizing he’s third wheeling. It needing to stay like that. Jimin reaches for the noodle container to put another serving on his plate.
“Oh how’s Dae doing? I was thinking about her the other day,” he says.
Jungkook tenses. She was never his favorite subject but now, hearing the name makes him even more apprehensive.
Namjoon clears his throat and avoids Jungkook’s eyes.
“She’s doing well. Busy with work. She has a work trip coming up that she’s excited about.”
“Oh, I remember her telling me about that last time I saw her. It’s a pretty big deal that her company landed that gig, right?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m really proud of her.”
Jungkook swallows and tries to ignore the sour taste of jealousy.
“Well, tell her congrats for me. She deserves it,” Jimin says.
Namjoon nods.
“She really does. She’s so smart and works so hard at everything she does. I admire her for that,” he says softly.
Jungkook watches him as he speaks. Watches the way he smiles as he talks about her. The way his eyes shimmer. Jungkook feels his heart start to sink.
“She’s really special,” Namjoon adds.
And in that moment, Jungkook realizes. The expression on Namjoon’s face and the way he speaks about her. He still loves her. Jungkook hadn’t really taken the time to think about if he had stopped, and why would he have stopped, but this confirms it. She has a place in Namjoon’s heart. The heart that Jungkook so desperately wants to make a home in. To settle in and never leave.
He stands up suddenly, emotions overwhelming him and the thought of listening to more too much to handle. Namjoon startles and looks up at him.
“I- I don’t feel very good. I’m going to go lie down,” he stumbles out.
Jimin’s brows draw together in concern.
“Okay. I’m sorry. Let me know if you need anything.”
Jungkook nods and feels bad for worrying him but he can’t stay. He glances over at Namjoon but tears his eyes away immediately when he sees the confused expression. He walks awkwardly away from the table and takes the stairs two at a time when he feels his eyes start to sting.
Once he gets to his room, he shuts the door quietly and crawls into bed, tears hitting the pillow before his head does. He knows he has no right to cry when he’s the one coming between an established relationship. His presence is the one that is the problem, not hers. But it hurts and he can’t help it.
After some more self-deprecating thoughts and salty tears, he hears that soft knock that he knows is Namjoon’s. He tries to control his breathing and wipes his cheeks harshly. He thinks about telling Namjoon he needs some space but can’t bring himself to do it. Doesn’t want to.
“Come in,” he says quietly.
Somehow Namjoon hears him and gently opens the door and closes it behind him. Jungkook’s back is towards the door but he knows Namjoon is watching him. There’s a beat of silence before Namjoon breaks it.
“Jimin had to take a phone call,” he says softly.
Another beat of silence.
“I don’t- I didn’t-”
“Can you just hold me?” Jungkook interrupts softly.
“Yes. Of course.” Namjoon murmurs.
The bed sinks a bit as Namjoon climbs in behind him. His arm wraps around Jungkook’s side as he presses in close. Jungkook sighs and weaves his fingers through Namjoon’s, holding his hand close. He’s not even sure Namjoon understands what just happened, why he reacted like that. Even if Namjoon does, he doesn’t say anything. Just holds Jungkook close, warm body providing comfort. His forehead rests gently on the back of Jungkook’s hair.
Jungkook’s not sure how one person can make his heart ache and heal at the same time. What a strange feeling it is to be hurt by someone and then seek solace from that same person. And to know that his own decisions are playing a huge part in the hurt he is feeling. It’s his own hands that have ripped out his heart, beating and bloodied, and offered it up to Namjoon. And it’s his own blind love for Namjoon that will have him doing it again and again and again.
Notes:
Thoughts? Feelings? Comments make my day!
Chapter Text
Jungkook wishes he could read minds. Well, one specific mind. He wants to know what Namjoon thinks about them. About him. But just the thought of asking has him feeling queasy. And Jungkook still wants whatever this is between them. He’s scared that if he asks, it’ll stop. And he’s not sure his heart can handle that right now.
“Hey, let’s do something this weekend,” Tae says one night while they’re watching t.v.
“Define “do something,” Jimin says suspiciously.
Tae laughs.
“Let’s just go out. Maybe to a bar or a club or something. I don’t know. We’ve all just been working so hard, it would be nice to have a night out.”
“That actually does sound kind of nice,” Jimin replies after thinking it over for a moment.
“Yeah? Okay, I’ll put it in the groupchat,” Tae says excitedly.
“Jungkookie, you’re in, right?”
Jungkook chews on his lip. He’s surprised going out actually doesn’t sound bad to him. He’s really not a party person but having some drinks and just relaxing sounds good. His emotions have been all over the place and that combined with the normal stress of work make him want to say yes. But he also wants to know if a certain someone will be there. And he can’t exactly tell Tae and Jimin that he wants to know Namjoon’s answer first.
“I- Maybe?” he says.
Taehyung pouts.
“Come on. It would be weird for the two of us to go without you.”
Tae’s phone pings.
“Hobi’s in,” he announces as he types away excitedly.
“Ugh. Namjoon said maybe.”
Jungkook’s ears perk up. He weighs his options and decides to take a chance and hope this will go the way he wants it to. He can back out later if he needs to.
“Can you send that I’m a yes?” he asks Tae casually.
Tae whoops and claps excitedly, making Jungkook and Jimin laugh as he types. Another ping before Tae can set his phone down again.
“Namjoon just said he’ll be there.”
Jungkook bites his lip to hide his smile. He settles back in the couch cushions and hopes Tae and Jimin don’t notice his blushing cheeks.
Messing with his hair in the mirror, Jungkook gives his outfit another once over. He’s wearing a black t-shirt that stretches across his chest nicely tucked into black jeans and a black belt that flatters his waist. He’s not always into showing off his arms but Namjoon admiring his tattoos has him choosing to show them. He adds a lip balm that has a bit more rosy tint than usual. He’s not expecting to have much, if any, alone time with Namjoon tonight. But that doesn’t mean they can’t look.
“Pretty, pretty,” Jimin chirps happily when Jungkook makes his way downstairs.
They order a ride to the bar, Jimin and Taehyung chattering away. Jungkook tries to listen and smile but his mind wanders to Namjoon.
When they get to the bar, they pick a table in the corner as music thumps out of the speakers. Looking around, Jungkook is glad Tae picked this place. It’s busy but it’s not packed to the brim with people and there are a lot of tables and open space for people to drink and dance. Jimin is already swaying happily to the music when Hobi joins them with a wide smile on his face.
“Hey!” he yells excitedly, pulling Jungkook into a hug.
“Did you already have a drink?” Jimin laughs when Hobi does a little dance spin around all of them.
“No, you know I can do one drink max before you’ll need to carry me home,” he says, pointing an accusatory finger at all of them.
They burst out laughing and Jungkook feels good. Always feels good when he’s surrounded by the people he cares about.
“I saw that Yoongi and Seokjin said they couldn’t make it tonight but Namjoon said he’d be here, right?” Hobi asks.
“Yes,” Jungkook answers before anyone else can.
“Yeah, just waiting on Namjoon,” Tae nods, missing Jungkook’s red cheeks.
“I’m gonna get a drink. You guys want anything?” Jungkook asks, motioning towards the bar.
Maybe a drink will loosen him up and make him less hyper aware of the fact that Namjoon isn’t here yet. They all yell out drink names after him that he tries to remember as he heads to the bar.
His phone buzzes and he nervously fishes it out of his pocket, hoping it’s not Namjoon canceling. He smiles when he sees it’s just Namjoon saying he’ll be there soon. A little string of excitement pulls at him that Namjoon texted him and not the groupchat. Just him.
He somehow manages to make it back to their table with all the orders. They all start to drink and laugh, Jungkook trying to casually scan the crowd every five minutes. He’s about halfway through his first drink and talking with Hobi when Jimin whistles and grins at something over Jungkook’s shoulder.
Jungkook turns around and stares. He’s not sure if it’s the alcohol, his constant want of Namjoon or both but Namjoon looks hot. He’s wearing a baggy white long sleeve that somehow still outlines his chest nicely and black pants with a silver key necklace, small silver hoops and hair styled loosely around his face. Jungkook tries to control his expression but he’s pretty sure Namjoon has already seen the heat in his eyes.
Namjoon greets everyone with smiles and hugs, leaving Jungkook for last. Jungkook tries not to melt too much when Namjoon wraps an arm around his shoulders and squeezes. He smells so good. As he pulls away, Namjoon looks into Jungkook’s eyes. Jungkook can see the want there and his stomach does a flip. He downs some more of his drink. Maybe he can blame his ruddy cheeks on the alcohol.
They all start to talk and laugh loudly, Jungkook trying his best not to just pay attention to Namjoon. Jimin starts to move from foot to foot restlessly after a bit.
“Anyone want to dance?” he asks after downing another shot.
Hoseok nods enthusiastically as Jimin looks around at the rest of them.
“Jungkook?” Jimin asks.
As much as Jungkook wants to stay wherever Namjoon is, he doesn’t fully trust himself. And it’s not like they can talk how he wants them to. He nods and sets his drink down. Jimin pulls him and Hobi onto the dance floor. Jungkook glances back once, catching Namjoon’s eye. Watch me, he lets his eyes say to Namjoon.
The music washes through him like that night in Namjoon’s apartment weeks and weeks ago. It feels even longer ago than that. The relationship between the two of them has changed so much, Jungkook experiencing extreme highs along with lows that he tries to push out of his thoughts. Everything feels and is so different from that night. Except one thing. Jungkook still wants Namjoon. Body, mind and soul.
The shiny buzz of liquor runs through his blood as his hips sway. He knows Namjoon’s eyes are on him. Watching as his body flows with the rhythm that beats from the speakers. Jungkook closes his eyes and lets everything wash away. It feels nice to let his mind go blank, just letting his body move how it wants. He lets his hands slide slowly down from his neck to his chest, feeling his own beating heart through the thin cloth of his shirt.
When his eyes flutter open, Namjoon is still watching him. He has an unreadable expression on his face but he’s gripping his beer so tightly that his knuckles have gone white. Jungkook watches him back for a moment, the charged eye contact making him feel like it’s just the two of them in this crowded room. No other distractions. No other people. Just Jungkook’s body dancing for Namjoon. The thought sends a shiver of excitement through Jungkook. He licks his lips and knows Namjoon doesn’t miss the action. He wants to taste the beer on Namjoon’s lips. Wants to pull him away from everyone and have him to himself.
He frowns when Tae leans over to say something to Namjoon, taking his attention away. Sighing, he turns and keeps dancing. It feels so good to have the music seep through his system. The alcohol makes him feel less restrained and he finds it’s exactly what he wants tonight.
His eyes wander around the space and land on a small table opposite of their corner. He blinks when he sees a set of eyes already looking back at him. They belong to a guy who looks a couple years older than him, not breaking eye contact when he takes a sip of his drink. The guy isn’t unattractive but Jungkook still isn’t crazy about the way he’s looking at him. He turns away before the guy can think he’s interested and falls deeper into the bodies to keep dancing.
Jimin steps away and comes back with two more drinks for himself and Jungkook. The bite of alcohol feels good going down his throat and he sighs and sings along with the speakers happily.
After a couple more songs, Jungkook realizes how hot he is. He motions to Jimin and Hoseok that he’s going back to their table and they nod. He weaves his way through the people and spots the table where Namjoon and Taehyung are still talking. Namjoon looks up at him and Jungkook can’t help the smitten grin that crosses his face. Namjoon smiles back at him and it makes his heart rate pick up even more than the bass heavy music.
“Hey,” he says to Namjoon, still grinning.
“Hey. You umm…looked like you were having a good time out there,” Namjoon says with a blush blooming on his cheeks.
“Yeah? You were watching me?” Jungkook asks innocently.
Flirty. He knows he shouldn’t. Not with Taehyung right across from them. Namjoon looks at him intently but doesn’t say anything and it’s probably for the best. Jungkook manages to pull his own eyes away and downs the last of his drink. Taehyung turns around from watching the people dancing and glances over to the opposite corner.
“I think you have an admirer, Jungkookie,” he says, motioning slightly with his chin.
Jungkook looks over and sees the same guy he noticed earlier. The guy doesn’t try to hide at all the way he is checking him out.
“You should talk to him. He’s pretty cute,” Taehyung urges with an eyebrow wiggle.
Jungkook sneaks a peek at Namjoon and is surprised to see him looking at the guy with a clenched jaw. He must feel Jungkook’s eyes on him as he looks back over to him. Again, he doesn’t say anything.
And Jungkook doesn’t know why he does it. There’s the frustration of being here with Namjoon and having a good time but not being able to share it in the way he really wants. The alcohol. The hazy atmosphere of the bar. The bitter feeling of Namjoon not being able to touch and talk to him how he wants. And the stinging memory of how Namjoon talked about Dae that night, which he hates to be thinking about tonight.
“Do you think I should talk to him?” he asks, looking expectantly at Namjoon.
Namjoon blinks at him in surprise. Jungkook doesn’t miss the way he tries to school his expression into a neutral one. His adam's apple bobs as he swallows.
“If you want to,” he answers evenly, eyes searching Jungkook’s face.
Jungkook feels his own jaw clench.
“I could give him my number?” he pushes.
Taehyung nods enthusiastically and Namjoon looks down at his beer. Jungkook knows he needs to stop. He wants to stop. But his mouth seems to be opening without his mind giving it permission. All his senses are screaming at him to not do whatever it is that he’s doing. But the silence Namjoon is giving him hurts. Even though Jungkook knows it would be odd for Namjoon to protest in front of Taehyung, it still hurts. And yet again, it’s hurt he could have avoided if he had done nothing but just enjoy the night.
“You can do anything you want, Jungkook,” Namjoon finally says.
He looks back up at him and Jungkook’s heart sinks. Namjoon’s expression is blank but his eyes aren’t. Jungkook can see the hurt and confusion there and it makes him open his mouth to take everything back. He looks over at Taehyung before he can say anything and sees him watching the two of them with a curious expression on his face.
“I-I’m gonna go get another drink,” he rushes out.
He turns on his heel and heads away from their table and past the guy, making a point not to look at him. Instead of going to the bar, he makes his way towards the bathrooms. Turning on the sink, he splashes his face with cool water and tries to take deep breaths. He looks in the mirror and sees a red tinge high up on his cheeks. After a few more breaths and splashes, he feels slightly calmer.
When he walks out of the bathroom, he spots a dark corner hidden away from all the people and sinks into it. It feels cooler here and like he has some privacy. He closes his eyes and sighs, the buzz of the alcohol from earlier having mostly worn off.
“Hey.”
Jungkook’s eyes shoot open and he looks up into Namjoon’s concerned eyes. Namjoon still looks so handsome even with the line of worry between his brows.
“I just wanted to check on you. I can leave if you want to be alone. I just…” Namjoon trails off, unsure of what to say next.
Jungkook worries at his lip as he tries to come up with what to say.
“I’ll umm- I can leave,” Namjoon says defeatedly, starting to turn away.
“No,” Jungkook says quickly, reaching out to grab Namjoon’s wrist.
“Don’t leave me,” he murmurs.
Relief floods through him when Namjoon turns back around easily and closes the space between them. Namjoon’s eyes travel over his face and he must see something that still has his brows knitted in concern. He takes Jungkook’s hand and holds it close to his chest. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath that sets Jungkook’s nerves on edge. When he opens them again, there’s a sadness there that makes Jungkook feel like he’s drowning, lungs unable to get what they need.
“Sh- should we stop?” Namjoon asks.
Jungkook feels like his heart stops beating. No. No. This is not how tonight was supposed to go. How could he fuck up so bad. He wants to give Namjoon a whole speech about how much he loves him and how losing him will actually destroy him and how he’s wanted him for so long. Instead, he wraps his hand around the back of Namjoon’s nape and pulls him into a burning kiss he hopes says all this.
Namjoon only hesitates for a moment before he’s kissing back just as deeply. Jungkook feels Namjoon’s heart through his hand that’s still on his chest. The heart that might as well be pumping blood to his lungs, too.
“No. Please. No,” he tries to say steadily.
“I’m sorry-” he starts to add but Namjoon shakes his head.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he says gently.
Namjoon reaches up and strokes Jungkook’s cheek. Jungkook leans into the touch as he gazes into Namjoon’s eyes, hoping he will see what he needs to see there.
“Okay,” Namjoon murmurs.
Jungkook wants to cry with relief but leans in for another kiss to stop himself. Namjoon’s kisses ground him and make him charged with want all at the same time. He deepens the kiss even more, pulling Namjoon against him until he feels his back pressed against where the two walls meet. His arms move to drape around Namjoon’s shoulders, whimpering when Namjoon licks softly at his lower lip. Namjoon’s hands land firmly on his waist, thumbs massaging circles into his hip bones. Jungkook chokes back a moan and presses his lips hard against Namjoon’s to try and muffle the sounds.
Namjoon’s tongue feels so silky and warm against his and he feels himself starting to get absolutely lost in it all. He doesn’t even fully register when his leg goes up to wrap around Namjoon’s hip, making any microscopic space between them nonexistent. Namjoon’s hand reaches down to grab onto his thigh, fingers digging into the muscle and sending a lustful heat throughout Jungkook’s body.
The thought that they are in a public place and could be discovered at any time doesn’t even cross Jungkook’s mind as he licks into Namjoon’s mouth. It isn’t until voices coming dangerously close to them break through the lust-filled space that they’re in. They part lips but don’t pull their bodies away, panting and blushing. The music reenters Jungkook’s ears along with the sounds of people less than 20 feet away from them.
Namjoon rests their foreheads together and gazes into Junkook’s wide eyes.
“Want you,” he says in a rough voice that sends chills down Jungkook’s spine.
“Want you, too,” Jungkook says breathlessly.
“Next weekend. I’ll have the place to myself. Can you-will you come over?” he asks in a softer voice, blush deepening.
“Yes,” Jungkook answers immediately, nodding vigorously.
Namjoon laughs and gives Jungkook’s waist a soft squeeze.
“Okay,” he says before placing a soft kiss on Jungkook’s cheek bone.
They finally manage to pull away from each other, Namjoon heading back to their table and Jungkook going to the bar. He can’t help the smile that reaches his face as he waits for his drink.
Jungkook puts two and two together and remembers Dae’s work trip that Namjoon had mentioned. That’s why he’ll have free reign of the apartment. And why Jungkook is currently trying not to freak out.
He wants this. Any alone time with Namjoon is precious. But he’s also not sure what to expect. So far they’ve only had timed amounts of privacy, not a whole uninterrupted night together. He tells himself to calm down. They’ve already made it clear to each other they want what the other wants. Worrying about pressuring Namjoon into something too intense is something that lessens more and more but it’s still not completely gone.
He’s also slightly scared Namjoon is going to call it off. Say it’s too risky and that he didn’t mean it, was letting the rush of alcohol talk. But Thursday night rolls around and nothing of the sort happens.
Joon: I’m looking forward to this weekend
As long as you still want to come over?
Jungkook grins at his phone screen.
Jungkook: Of course I do
I actually can’t stop thinking about it
Joon: Honestly? Me neither
Jungkook swallows thickly and feels his face heating up.
Jungkook: Can’t wait to be alone with you
Joon: Fuck
Want that so bad
Groaning, Jungkook hides his face in his pillows. Namjoon tells him he can come over anytime Saturday afternoon and Jungkook’s stomach fills with butterflies all over again.
Jungkook surveys the things he has laid out on his bed Friday evening. He knows he’s overthinking this but he can’t help it. He has the usual overnight essentials ready. It’s the other stuff he’s worried about. It’s not like he’s going to get there and Namjoon is going to demand to go through his backpack, he reasons. He makes up his mind and nods to himself.
Opening his bedside table, he pulls out a small bottle of lube. With red cheeks, he rolls it up in a t-shirt and packs it away. It’s okay if they don’t use it. But just in case.
The rest of Friday night and Saturday morning pass slowly and all too quickly at the same time. Jungkook wants this time with Namjoon so bad but he’s also nervous. He doesn’t want to do anything wrong. Wants this weekend to go smoothly with the two of them happy being with each other in whatever capacity.
He puts on a casual outfit of loose jeans a white tee, rolling a cherry lip balm over his lips. Pulling out his phone to text Namjoon he’s on his way, he hands shake the tiniest bit. He smiles when Namjoon’s reply of “okay” has that little red heart at the end. His chest thuds excitedly as he throws his backpack over his shoulder and heads out.
In no time, Jungkook finds himself at Namjoon’s front door. Yoongi’s birthday had been the first time he had shown up alone at Namjoon’s apartment so it still feels different to be here with no one else. To know that no one will be showing up later. It will just be the two of them. In ways Jungkook’s always wanted. He bites his lip in excited anticipation and presses the button to let Namjoon know he’s here.
The door opens and it’s a little embarrassing at this point how Namjoon can take his breath away so easily. He’s dressed in a white tee with the sleeves cut off and shorts that make Jungkook’s head swim just a bit. Jungkook can’t help the shy smile that reaches his face when Namjoon’s dimples pop out.
“You’re here,” Namjoon breathes happily.
“I’m here,” Jungkook confirms shyly.
His skin tingles when Namjoon reaches out to lace their fingers together and leads Jungkook inside. He drops his backpack by the door, his breath hitching when he feels a warm palm on his neck. He’s backed gently against the door, mouth falling open easily as Namjoon kisses him. His hands land on Namjoon’s hips to pull him closer, mouths wet against each other. He’s just starting to get lost in it when Namjoon pulls away. Jungkook blinks dazedly and Namjoon chuckles softly.
“Want something to drink?” Namjoon asks, hand still in Jungkook’s as he takes them further into the apartment.
“Ugh…sure…” Jungkook says, still trying to get his bearings.
Namjoon nods and leads the way to the kitchen.
“There’s juice, soda, tea, coffee, sparkling water. Or you know, just plain water.”
Jungkook laughs and sits at one of the barstools around the island counter.
“Water with ice is fine.”
Namjoon opens a cabinet and pulls out two cups and fills them with ice, Jungkook watching while he works. The way Namjoon’s visible biceps flex as the cups fill with water has Jungkook’s mouth watering. Namjoon hands him the drink and Jungkook downs almost the entire thing in one go, Namjoon watching him with a slightly raised eyebrow.
“You okay?” he asks with a laugh.
“Yeah. Totally.”
“Really. Thank you for umm- inviting me over. I-I really…” he trails off, the right words always escaping him.
Namjoon smiles gently at him and reaches out to play with Jungkook’s fingers.
“I know. Me too.”
Namjoon makes him another ice water that he gulps down again, making Namjoon chuckle fondly.
“Hey, have you ever really seen much of my place? I know I gave you guys a tour way back but it has been quite some time.”
Jungkook knows he’s the one out of the group that’s been to Namjoon’s apartment the least and that’s been no mistake. But he’s too happy right now. He nods enthusiastically. Namjoon grabs his hand again and steers them back out to the living room.
“Living room, of course,” he motions around.
“With quite possibly the most comfortable couch ever,” he adds with a serious nod.
Jungkook giggles and sits down experimentally even though he’s been on the couch before.
“Very comfortable,” he confirms.
Namjoon laughs and squeezes his hand. Jungkook grins and looks up at Namjoon. They stare at each other, Namjoon’s smile settling into an intense gaze. Jungkook swallows and watches as Namjoon leans down to cover him on the couch. He has an arm on either side of Jungkook and brings a knee to rest on the cushion. It’s so easy not to think. To get wrapped up in Namjoon’s essence. His own arms wrap easily around Namjoon’s biceps, pulling him closer while he pushes up to reach Namjoon’s lips.
Should it really feel this good? Almost too good to be true? But it is true. This thing that they are doing is really happening. And kissing Namjoon is really that good. Touching and being touched by Namjoon is really that good. Talking and listening to Namjoon is really that good. Being with Namjoon is really that good.
He feels Namjoon’s lips stretch into a smile against his.
“What?” he laughs softly, enjoying seeing Namjoon’s dimples so close up.
“We’re never gonna get through this tour if this keeps happening.”
Jungkook laughs and then feigns a pout.
“Are you complaining?”
Namjoon immediately captures his lips in another kiss.
“Absolutely not.”
They both laugh and Jungkook lets Namjoon pull him up from the couch. Namjoon shows him a framed copy of a Rothko painting he really likes, talking excitedly about the piece. Jungkook listens with a soft smile on his face.
He follows Namjoon down the very short hall, love-hazed mind not paying attention to where they are headed.
“And this is the bedroom. I recently got this really cool-”
Namjoon cuts himself off when he realizes Jungkook is frozen one step in the doorway.
“What’s wrong?” Namjoon asks, voice laced with concern.
He makes it back to Jungkook in one long stride, hand reaching out for him.
Jungkook feels cold and too hot all at once. They are in Namjoon’s bedroom. The bedroom that isn’t just his. The bedroom that he shares with someone else who isn’t Jungkook. This is their space. Their space where they have shared…
No. He can’t let his mind go that far. He spins around and heads back for the living room. He sits on the couch, breaths coming in shallowly. He had been so excited to spend time with Namjoon, he had forgotten why he had avoided being over here in the past. It’s hard to feel like he’s just here with Namjoon. It’s like she’s here, too.
Namjoon enters the living room with wide eyes, spotting Jungkook on the couch. He kneels down and places a hand tentatively on Jungkook’s leg.
“Kook, what’s wrong?” Namjoon asks again.
Jungkook sniffles and immediately tenses. He can’t cry. It’d be too embarrassing. It would seem like such an overreaction. Especially when Namjoon didn’t force him to come over, he was more than willing. He’s still looking down at his lap when Namjoon gently reaches out and tilts his chin up to look at him. He sees the worry in Namjoon’s eyes and it makes his heart constrict. Makes him love Namjoon even more. Jungkook takes a deep breath so his voice doesn’t come out too watery.
“S-sorry. I umm…it was just- a lot t-to be in…”
Jungkook trails off and glances in the direction of the bedroom. Namjoon glances back and a look of realization spreads on his handsome face. He closes his eyes and shakes his head at himself.
“Fuck. I-I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.That was too much.”
He exhales slowly.
“I’m so sorry. I-I understand if you want to leave. You don’t deserve me being so thoughtless,” Namjoon adds quietly.
Sometimes Jungkook wishes Namjoon didn’t always know what to say. It would be so much easier. But Namjoon’s words have a way of seeping into Jungkook’s chest, wrapping around his heart like a vine. A vine that Jungkook gladly lets keep growing.
“I know you didn’t mean to,” Jungkook whispers.
Namjoon sighs and lays his head tenderly on Jungkook’s lap, his cheek resting on his thigh. Jungkook’s breath hitches slightly at the intimate movement. He carefully starts to card his fingers through Namjoon’s hair.
Beautiful. That’s what looking at Namjoon like this is. Namjoon soothes his palm up and down Jungkook’s leg. They stay like that for a while, just touching and comforting each other.
Namjoon raises his head slowly.
“I have an idea. It’s completely okay if you don’t like it. I promise I will understand,” he says.
Jungkook watches him curiously.
“Okay,” he murmurs.
“Five minutes?” Namjoon asks and Jungkook nods.
Namjoon stands up and caresses Jungkook’s cheek when he looks up at him. Jungkook closes his eyes at the soft touch and tries not to frown when it leaves as Namjoon backs out of the room.
Jungkook takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands. He traces over the tattoos that Namjoon likes to trace, smiling to himself as he remembers the feeling. He looks around the apartment. He doesn’t want to leave. Really doesn’t want to waste this precious time he has with Namjoon. But can he really do this in their apartment? He’s gotten too good at ignoring the bad of what they are doing. When it does manage to drill its way into his mind, he tries hard to pretend it’s not there. Maybe it would be easier if he hadn’t been longing for so many years. But he has and here they are now.
Namjoon comes back before he can spiral deeper. He gives Jungkook a timid smile that pulls at his heartstrings. Jungkook takes the hand that Namjoon offers him, pulling him up. Namjoon reaches for his other hand and starts to slowly walk backwards.
“It’s really okay if you don’t like this. Like I said, I promise I will understand.”
“Okay,” Jungkook murmurs, now more than a little curious.
Namjoon leads them to the same hall, but this time to a door at the opposite end of the hall. Jungkook looks at it curiously, having missed it before.
“I think this room was pretty empty when I showed you guys around back then. I just recently got it how I want,” Namjoon explains.
That’s why Jungkook doesn’t really remember it. Namjoon gives him one last look before he opens the door and pulls them inside.
The room is small but cozy. And it’s filled with the essence of Namjoon. Nobody else, just Namjoon. There are book shelves that take up a lot of the space but not in an overbearing way. They overflow with books and knick knacks like paperweights and little toy figures. A small, wooden desk is tucked into the corner with a laptop and small speaker on top. A futon with a wood base and fluffy cushions sits against one wall. Art posters of Namjoon’s favorite artists are carefully hung up. It even smells like the cologne Namjoon likes to wear.
“It’s my office,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook steps deeper inside.
“It’s…so you,” he murmurs.
He carefully runs a finger over a bear figure on one of the shelves, eyes still taking in everything. It’s like being surrounded by Namjoon. And it feels good. He turns around and smiles at a still unsure Namjoon.
“I thought maybe, if you want, we could just stay in here. I can set my laptop up to play a movie or something and we can-”
Jungkook cuts Namjoon off with a kiss.
“It’s perfect.”
Namjoon smiles, still with a tinge of cautiousness.
“You’ll stay?” he asks, barely above a whisper.
Jungkook reaches for Namjoon’s hand and gives it a squeeze.
“Yes,” he says firmly.
Namjoon’s tense shoulders loosen a bit at the confirmation and he gazes intently at Jungkook. The intensity makes Jungkook squirm a little bit.
“What?” he asks with a chuckle that comes out more nervous than he intended.
Namjoon shrugs.
“You’re just so…I don’t know. So you. So Jungkook. And it’s so good. Everything about you is so good.”
The combination of the words and the way Namjoon is looking at him has Jungkook feeling, as cliche as it sounds, very much weak in the knees. He sways into Namjoon who wraps his arms around him and holds him steady. Namjoon, always there to steady him even when he feels like he’s at the edge of a precipice, so close to falling off but always saved.
They eventually make their way back to the kitchen, having agreed that snacks are a must for their viewing party. They chat and laugh as they cut fruit together. Jungkook smiles as he watches Namjoon slowly and carefully work on a melon. It all feels so…domestic. It’s not a feeling he thought he necessarily wanted or actively thought about but with Namjoon, it feels good. So many things with Namjoon just feel so good.
They pull the futon out when they get back to the office and Namjoon throws on some soft sheets and pillows that were stacked in the corner. Jungkook had grabbed his backpack on their way back and now drops it by their setup. Namjoon turns off the harsher overhead lights and turns on a small night light that gives off way more light than its small size suggests.
“Hey, that’s the same one I have,” Jungkook points.
Namjoon grins and rubs the back of his neck.
“Yeah. I remembered you telling us how much you like these lights. And seeing them in some of your pictures. I-I thought I would try one. I never really thought much of them but the colors really are nice and relaxing.”
Jungkooks smiles at the thought of them having matching night lights.
“I think so, too.”
When they finish setting up after a couple of minutes, Jungkook gets nervous all of a sudden. He looks at the futon that’s basically a bed now and is unsure what to do with himself. He knows they’ve been in a bed together before, the memories making him flush. But that was to do…other things. Not to just watch a show and relax.
Namjoon looks over at him questioningly, sensing his hesitation. He gives him a comforting smile and plops down on the futon, back against the pillows and long legs stretched out. He pats the spot next to him and looks up at Jungkook with those eyes that Jungkook wants to be forever lost in. He smiles, settling in next to Namjoon. After another moment of overthinking, he lets himself do what he wants and lets his body lean comfortably into Namjoon’s.
Namjoon lets him choose what they watch like Jungkook knew he would. He chooses an anime show he knows both of them will like. They snack on the fruit, the sweetness coating their lips. As they watch episode after episode, Jungkook melts more and more into Namjoon’s side. It’s just so warm and comfy and Jungkook feels like he belongs here.
He doesn’t want to doze off. Wants to enjoy and bask in every waking moment he has with Namjoon. But something about being curled up in soft sheets, tucked into Namjoon’s warm side has him feeling drowsy. He feels his breathing slow down and wonders if Namjoon knows he’s on the verge of sleep. A soothing palm smooths up and down his spine. The last thing Jungkook remembers before he falls asleep is Namjoon pulling him closer.
When Jungkook wakes up, he’s a little unsure of where he is. His groggy mind starts to remember as he blinks his eyes. The scent that fills his nose again? Namjoon’s. The warm body he’s wrapped around? Namjoon’s.
It’s quiet, Namjoon having fallen asleep too. The room is dark but not pitch black. Namjoon’s turned off the desk lamp and set aside the laptop but the glowing orb of the nightlight stays on, peacefully changing from color to color. It illuminates more than its small size suggests it might. Jungkook is able to still see the outline of the items in Namjoon’s office and, most importantly, Namjoon.
He can see Namjoon pretty clearly since they are so close. He watches the way the colored lights play over Namjoon’s face, soft and relaxed in sleep. Jungkook’s eyes sweep over his face, taking in every last little detail. He’s so handsome but there’s also features about him that make him pretty. The delicate shape of his eyes; the fullness of his lips. It’s all just so lovely to look at. His arm is still wrapped around Jungkook, holding him close.
Jungkook shifts ever so slightly so he can stay close but also still watch comfortably. The small movement makes his shirt to ride up the tiniest but, causing Namjoon’s warm fingertips to land on bare skin. It makes Jungkook shiver even though he tries hard not to.
Namjoon’s chest rises up and down slowly as he dozes. Jungkook wants to plant a soft kiss on his lips but doesn’t want to do anything to disturb him. Even just their body heat combining feels so good and satisfying. Jungkook’s pretty sure he could stay like this forever. He wonders if Namjoon is dreaming about anything. Wonders if he’s ever dreamed about him. About them.
It’s like Namjoon can sense how intensely Jungkook is thinking about him when he stirs and his eyes slowly begin to flutter open. Jungkook holds his breath as Namjoon’s eyes start to focus on him, a soft smile making dimples appear. Namjoon sighs and reaches up to stretch his arms, hand immediately falling back to Jungkook’s waist when he drops them down again.
“Hey. You’re awake,” he says, voice still rough with sleep.
Jungkook tries to not have too much a visible reaction at the deepness of his voice.
“How long was I asleep?” Jungkook asks.
Namjoon shrugs.
“Not too long. Well, I guess I don’t really know how long since I fell asleep, too,” he chuckles.
“I didn’t really mean to fall asleep,” Jungkook says.
“Why not? It’s perfectly fine.”
“I know. But I just want…our time together to be special,” Jungkook admits softly, tracing a vein on Namjoon’s arm.
“It was special. Any time I get to spend with you is,” Namjoon assures quietly.
“Yeah?”
“Of course. And umm- it was nice. Having you sleep in my arms.”
Jungkook warms even more and reaches up to brush Namjoon’s hair off his face. So beautiful to look at. He carefully moves his body so his chest drapes over Namjoon’s, hands coming up to pillow his cheek so he can still look up at Namjoon.
“I liked it, too.”
Namjoon smiles, hand playing at the hem of Jungkook’s shirt. Jungkook bites his lip when he feels Namjoon’s warm palm slide past the fabric and onto skin. The touch is so gentle as Namjoon let’s his fingers caress Jungkook’s back. He presses his body against Namjoon more. His breath hitches when Namjoon reaches over with his other hand and tilts Jungkook’s chin up and closer.
The first touch of their lips is just a soft whisper. Namjoon pulls away and looks deeply into Jungkook’s eyes. When he moves in again, he presses soft kisses along Jungkook’s jawline and then moves to his lips. The kisses are gentle and feather light. It makes Jungkook’s head swim with how sweet and intimate it is. It feels so good to be held and kissed like this. Like they are the only two people in the world and like kissing was made just for them.
Something about these touches and kisses is…different. It almost feels new. Like Namjoon is exploring and learning about him for the first time. The combination of all the sensations makes Jungkook exhale an overwhelmed whimper into Namjoon’s mouth.
“Okay?” Namjoon asks quietly.
“Yeah. Please don’t stop.”
Namjoon nods and continues his soft kisses. Jungkook shivers when Namjoon’s tongue peeks out and licks gently over his lower lip. His hand fists into the fabric of Namjoon’s shirt. Their tongues start to caress each other, all wet silk. Jungkook moves his hand down to push Namjoon’s shirt up over his abdomen.
He gives Namjoon’s lips one more kiss before he lowers himself to press wet, warm kisses over his firm stomach. Namjoon’s breath hitches, muscles flexing as Jungkook continues working his mouth over him. He pushes the shirt up higher, getting excited butterflies when Namjoon gets the message and leans up so he can pull his shirt off.
Jungkook sighs appreciatively at the sight. He splays his hands and glides them slowly down Namjoon’s exposed chest. The warm skin feels good under his fingertips. Namjoon watches him as he leans down again and licks over a nipple. Namjoon’s head falls back into the pillows and an overwhelmed huff leaves his mouth.
It’s so much seeing Namjoon like this. Being the reason that he’s like this. Jungkook just wants to worship. He swirls his tongue over the bud, enjoying the sounds of Namjoon’s breaths that are coming in short and on the verge of moans. He moves to the other side, taking his time to make Namjoon’s skin shine with his spit.
“Feels good,” Namjoon sighs.
“Yeah?” Jungkook grins into his skin.
“Like making you feel good,” he murmurs, placing a kiss on Namjoon’s sternum.
Namjoon hums and rakes his fingers through Jungkook’s hair.
“Come back up here?” he asks.
Jungkook immediately does and their mouths land open and wet on each other. Namjoon’s hands slide under his shirt as they kiss, pressing into his skin and massaging circles. He moves a hand to Jungkook’s front, fingertips playing over his stomach. The teasing touches make Jungkook sigh shakily into Namjoon’s mouth. He needs his own shirt gone this instant. Needs Namjoon’s gaze and hands all over him.
He sits up and tugs his shirt over his head and throws it to the side. Namjoon looks at him with heated eyes, hands coming up to trace his collarbone. Jungkook’s eyes fall shut as Namjoon moves down to trace his pectorals. The pads of Namjoon’s fingers feel so soft and warm over his sensitive skin. He bites his lip when a thumb teases over his nipple. The buds harden quickly at Namjoon’s touch and make a syrupy heat start to grow low in Jungkook’s core.
Namjoon’s hand wraps around the nape of his neck and pulls Jungkook back down over him. Jungkook goes easily, nuzzling into Namjoon as his hand presses into the small of his back. Their bare chests press together and the skin to skin contact feels so nice and right. Jungkook leaves a trail of kisses over Namjoon’s jaw and neck.
He presses Namjoon into the pillows as his body seeks more and more. One of Namjoon’s legs slots between his and moves them even closer. Namjoon gently bites his lower lip and he moans, hips jerking over Namjoon’s leg. He’s starting to get hard and knows there’s no way Namjoon can’t feel it. When he looks back into Namjoon’s eyes, all he sees is want. Namjoon nods.
“It’s okay. You can,” he murmurs.
He attaches his mouth to Jungkook’s chest and sucks, making Jungkook whine and his hips jerk again. The firm muscle of Namjoon’s thigh provides intoxicating relief as it presses into his crotch. After a red bloom is left on his skin, Namjoon licks softly over it. When he moves to graze his teeth over his nipple, Jungkook moans and grinds down. He shudders hard when Namjoon does it again.
“Fuck. That feels good,” he says breathlessly.
“I can feel how good you feel,” Namjoon chuckles softly.
Jungkook feels his face heat even more than it already is. But Namjoon just watches him with shining eyes and pulls him into a soft kiss. He moves to place his lips next to Jungkook’s ear.
“Can you feel how good I feel, too?”
He takes Jungkook’s hand and brings it down between them to the growing hardness in his shorts. Jungkook curses and groans, another wash of heat traveling through him. Namjoon takes his own hand back but Jungkook’s stays there. He presses his palm in gently and Namjoon hisses. Jungkook’s eyes search his face.
“Yeah. Keep touching. Like your hand there,” Namjoon nods with blown out eyes.
It’s so hot that Jungkook has to press into Namjoon’s thigh again to get some relief of his own. He begins to palm him, enjoying the weight of him in his hand. Namjoon bares his throat and Jungkook licks a long stripe over him. Namjoon shudders, his hand coming up to grip Jungkook’s bicep.
Even though the fabric of Namjoon’s shorts is thin, Jungkook knows they both want to feel more. He traces Namjoon’s shape over the cloth and licks into his mouth.
“Can we-would you want to…take off the rest?” Jungkook asks, words coming out choppier than he intends them to.
He glances down between them to show what he means. Namjoon smiles and gives a flushed nod.
“Okay. Yes.”
Jungkook swallows and takes a deep breath.
“Is it okay if I…?” he trails off, fingers landing on the waistband of Namjoon’s shorts and underwear.
“Yes, please,” Namjoon sighs, lifting his hips.
Jungkook hooks his fingers under the waistband and begins to slowly pull the fabric down Namjoon’s legs. Namjoon gasps softly when his erection springs free. Jungkook bites his lip to keep his own moan in. Once the shorts and underwear are pulled low down his legs, Namjoon kicks them to the side.
“You too?” he asks into the quiet room.
Jungkook nods and hoists himself up slightly so Namjoon can undo his pants. His breath hitches at feeling Namjoon’s finger so close to where he wants them. Namjoon slips the pants and underwear past his hips and thighs. Jungkook tries not to rock immediately down when his own cock is free. He pushes the bunched up fabric away.
Gazing into Namjoon’s eyes to make sure it’s all still okay, he settles carefully back on top of him. Namjoon just watches him, mouth opening in a pretty “oh” when their bodies press together. Their combined heat and lust seems to travel between them like an electric current. When Jungkook rocks down experimentally, he moans when he feels Namjoon’s hard length against his.
“Fuck. Do that again,” Namjoon pants.
Jungkook does and it starts an aching heat deep within him. He leans down to kiss Namjoon hard when he does it again, the added sensation of their wet mouths making the heat spread throughout his skin. Namjoon holds him by his nape, breaking their kiss to mouth hotly over his pulse point. With his mouth so close to his ear, Jungkook can clearly hear the stuttered breaths that leave Namjoon’s lips. It sounds so good, so heavenly that Jungkook has to close his eyes.
“M-more. Need more,” Namjoon gasps into his ear.
Jungkook pulls away to look into Namjoon’s eyes.
“Anything. Anything you want,” he breathes out.
Namjoon stares up at him and then places a soft kiss on his cheek. He reaches down between them and gingerly takes both of them in his large hand. Jungkook’s eyes widen and a string of pleasure shoots down his spine. Namjoon laughs softly as his reaction and begins to pump his hand up and down slowly.
“Yes,” Jungkook whimpers, muscles tensing at the bliss he’s feeling.
“I like the way your body tells me how good you’re feeling,” Namjoon murmurs.
Jungkook can just whimper again and Namjoon holds Jungkook’s waist as he continues to stroke them. Namjoon spreads the precum that they are both starting to leak, making the glide of his hand even smoother. Jungkook grinds into his hand, seeking more pressure and heat.
“Feels so fucking good,” he moans.
Namjoon hums in agreement, head thrown back into the pillows and neck exposed. Jungkook licks over his skin, savoring the taste of him.
“Shit, wish I had lube in here,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook blinks and blushes red when he remembers they do have lube in here. Namjoon looks at him questioningly when he leans over him to the side of the futon where his backpack is. He hastily unzips his bag and rummages through it, shaking the small bottle from the shirt he had wrapped it up in.
When he leans back up, he presents the bottle to Namjoon with a shy bite to his lip. Namjoon’s vision focuses on the bottle and, when realization dawns, throws his head back in a kind laugh.
“Wow. You’re sure prepared,” he smiles.
“Is it too much? Should I have not- I mean I didn’t want to assume anything but I also didn’t know if-” he starts to babble.
Namjoon cuts him off with a kiss.
“It’s definitely 100 percent okay.”
He reaches up to gently run a hand through Jungkook’s hair.
“It wouldn’t be making a big leap to think we might both want something…intimate tonight,” he adds softly.
Jungkook nods and gazes intently into Namjoon’s eyes.
“I just never want to make you feel pressured into anything,” he whispers.
Namjoon chuckles and kisses his temple.
“I know. Trust me, I know.”
Namjoon presents the palm of his hand to Jungkook who stares at it blankly.
“Well, do you want to use it?” Namjoon laughs, nodding towards the bottle still clenched in Jungkook’s hand.
Jungkook blinks and then nods hurriedly.
“Definitely,” he breathes.
He clicks open the bottle and squeezes some of the clear gel into Namjoon’s waiting hand. Namjoon hums appreciatively and moves to reach between their bodies again. This time, when he takes them both in his hand again, the slide feels heavenly slick. Jungkook moans deep within his chest and closes his eyes when Namjoon strokes them again.
“Namjoon,” he huffs out.
“Yes?” Namjoon gently teases, picking up the pace of his hand.
“Feels- fuck, feels good.”
He leans down to nip at Namjoon’s collarbone and chest, making Namjoon shiver. He wants so badly to mark him all over, leave tattoos with his lips. He settles for kissing wetly and deeply into his mouth as Namjoon continues the movement of his hand on them.
The pleasure is starting to turn white hot and his hips start to grind down slowly, seeking even more friction and pressure. His hips push forward more and he vaguely registers Namjoon pulling his hand away. Their bodies are pressed so close together, Jungkook grinding down onto Namjoon. He rolls his hips deeply against Namjoon and their moans mix together at the pressure.
His hazy mind almost thinks he feels Namjoon’s legs fall open wider. When he grinds down again, his erection presses against a new part of Namjoon. It feels so good and has him wanting-
His eyes widen when he realizes. Namjoon did open his legs. And Jungkook is now nestled between them. He looks down at Namjoon questioningly, lust shooting through him when he sees the heat in Namjoon’s eyes. He must be still for too long because Namjoon laughs softly and pulls him down by his nape for a kiss.
Namjoon glides a hand down his back and licks into his mouth, making his hips jerk. He’s pressing so close to that part of Namjoon again. But Namjoon doesn’t push him away or tell him that’s not what he wants. He just keeps kissing him, biting into his lower lip gently. Jungkook whimpers and experimentally grinds his hips down.
Namjoon gasps and Jungkook pulls away to make sure he didn’t completely misread everything. Namjoon laughs when he sees his expression.
“It’s okay. Promise. It feels good. Different. But good.”
He runs a hand through Jungkook’s already sweaty tresses.
“You can keep doing that. I mean, if it feels good for you, too?” he asks, looking suddenly unsure of himself.
It’s Jungkook’s turn to laugh.
“It feels fucking amazing,” he admits.
Namjoon laughs and nods. They meet in another kiss and Jungkook begins to slowly rock his hips. Namjoon sighs shakily into his mouth, fingertips starting to press into his back. The lube makes the movements slippery, making Jungkook slide right over that tight furl of muscle. Namjoon gasps sweetly again.
“I-I never realized how sensitive it feels-umm-there,” he says with red cheeks.
“Too much?” Jungkook asks.
“No. It’s - I like it.”
The words go straight to Jungkook’s already heated core.
“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he can’t help but say.
Namjoon chews his lip in a grin and sighs. Jungkook moves to slide over him again, the head of his cock catching on Namjoon’s rim. Namjoon’s neck arches from the pillows and his pelvis tilts to try and get more. Jungkook angles and presses deep so his cock nestles against Namjoon, head pressing right over him. It almost feels like if he added the tiniest bit more pressure, he would slowly press inside. The thought makes him feel almost lightheaded and he exhales shakily.
“Whoa,” Namjoon breathes at the new sensation.
His eyes blink up at Jungkook, wide and blown out. There’s a deep flush painting his chest and he looks absolutely divine. Jungkook stares longer than he means because Namjoon tilts his head questioningly and reaches up to stroke his cheekbone lightly.
“Sorry. I just- you’re just…”
“Just?” Namjoon prompts softly.
Jungkook sighs.
“Just…perfect,” he whispers.
Namjoon huffs out a laugh.
“Well, that’s not true. But thank you for being so sweet to me.”
He traces Jungkook’s nose and then his brow bone softly. His fingers travel down to his mouth and Jungkook tilts his head to kiss his fingertips. He shifts slightly, making Namjoon suck in a sharp breath and bringing them back to the current position their bodies are in. Namjoon’s eyes travel over his face and he takes a deep breath, nodding slightly to himself.
“I would- if you want too…we can,” he says.
He opens his thighs a touch wider to show what he means. Jungkook’s brain halts to a stop. Did he really just hear those words come out of Namjoon’s mouth or his mind playing tricks on him? He bites his lower lip hard to make sure he isn’t dreaming. The small tinge of pain reassures him that he’s not.
He’s grateful that Namjoon is so patient with him or the silence might seem awkward. He lets his forehead fall onto Namjoon’s shoulder and groans.
“Of course I want to,” he huffs out.
“Okay,” Namjoon laughs softly.
Jungkook picks his forehead back up to look at Namjoon.
“Have- have you ever had anything inside before?” he asks, feeling his ears grow hot.
“No. I mean, I tried a finger once but I ummm…couldn’t really get the right angle. Didn’t feel like how I think it’s supposed to,” Namjoon answers with a blush to his cheeks.
Jungkook nods.
“I want to. I really do. But experiencing that for the first time is a lot. Physically and emotionally,” he says seriously.
Namjoon’s expression softens and he cups Jungkook’s face.
“I know. And I know that I trust you. So much. If you trust me too, I want to.”
He places a soft kiss on Jungkook’s temple.
“Want to feel that. Want to feel that from you,” he whispers in Jungkook’s ear.
Jungkook inhales sharply and closes his eyes to try and get his bearings for a moment.
“I trust you. I do,” Jungkook says before their mouths crash together.
“Want you so bad,” he pants into Namjoon’s mouth.
Namjoon moans and holds onto his shoulders as their mouths press together so hard it feels like they could bruise. They finally come up for air and Jungkook has to ask.
“Seriously, only an attempt at a finger?” he asks breathlessly.
Namjoon laughs and shrugs.
“Yeah.”
“Then we’ll need to get you r-ready. I don’t want to hurt you,” Jungkook says.
“Like, finger me?” Namjoon asks bluntly.
Jungkook can’t help the overwhelmed laugh that he barks out.
“Fuck. Yeah, finger you. You can try and do it or I can…”
Namjoon swallows, eyes traveling to Jungkook’s lips.
“Can you do it?” he asks softly.
Jungkook nods as if in a trance, leaving a kiss on Namjoon’s dimple.
“Tell me at any time if anything hurts or feels too much, okay?”
“I will,” Namjoon assures.
Jungkook nods and takes a deep breath.
“So can I t-touch you?”
“Yes,” Namjoon breathes out.
Jungkook starts by placing soft kisses over Namjoon’s face, tracing his chest. His kisses start to get wetter as he gets to Namjoon’s jaw, hand now teasing over a nipple. Namjoon hums happily at the touches. Jungkook moves his hand lower, fingertips catching on the dips of Namjoon’s muscles. Namjoon shivers.
“Like how you touch me,” he says softly.
“Like it, too,” Jungkook murmurs.
His hand travels down even further, playing over Namjoon’s pelvis and then to cup him gently. Namjoon lets out a shaky breath and grabs onto Jungkook’s bicep when he starts to stroke him slowly. Jungkook watches with rapt attention at the way Namjoon lets the pleasure wash over him.
Letting him go, he lets his fingertips gently caress lower. Namjoon gasps when he circles over his rim.
“Okay?” Jungkook checks.
“Yeah, yeah. K-keep doing that.”
Jungkook curses under his breath and nods. Namjoon blinks up at him in surprise when he pulls his hand back up, making Jungkook giggle. He nods towards the bottle of lube he had discarded to the side earlier and Namjoon understands. Jungkook manages to open the bottle and coat his fingers liberally, Namjoon’s watchful eyes on him the entire time. He warms the lube on his fingers so it’s not unpleasant for Namjoon and moves his hand back to where it was.
Namjoon twitches at the feeling of the lube there but nods. Jungkook circles slowly, almost teasingly. It’s such a privilege to get to touch and see Namjoon like this. He doesn’t want to rush anything. A low moan travels through Namjoon’s body.
After a couple more teases, he stills the circling of his finger. Slowly, he starts to press inside. Namjoon’s eyes widen as he sucks in a breath at the intrusion. He already feels impossibly tight around one finger.
“O-oh,” Namjoon sighs.
He takes a deep breath and blinks, trying to get used to the feeling. He nods after a moment to show he’s okay. Jungkook carefully pulls his finger almost all the way out and then presses back, slide made easier by all the lube. Namjoon makes an airy, little sigh that Jungkook’s never heard before that he definitely wants to hear again. He does the movement again and again. Namjoon bites his lip, brows creased like he’s still trying to decipher the new feeling.
“You can do another,” he mumbles through bitten lips.
Jungkook nods and kisses his red, swollen lips. He gingerly works a second finger in next to the first, making sure to push in more lube. Namjoon’s lips fall open and he curses. Jungkook gives him time to adjust like he did for the first, watching carefully for any signs of discomfort on Namjoon’s pretty face. A couple seconds pass and Namjoon’s hips twitch slightly. Jungkook takes that as a sign and begins to slowly pump his fingers in and out.
Namjoon’s eyes fall closed and his muscles tense. His grip on Jungkook’s arm has tightened.
“That- that feels good.”
“Yeah?” Jungkook whispers hoarsely.
Namjoon nods as his chest starts to rise and fall more. Jungkook starts to go faster, eliciting a loud moan from Namjoon. He’s very slowly starting to loosen up a bit but the drag is still tight.
“I can’t believe how good that feels,” Namjoon mutters, almost to himself.
Jungkook laughs breathlessly, trying a new angle that has Namjoon’s nails digging into him.
“More,” Namjoon says shakily.
“You sure?”
“Yes. Yes. Please.”
Jungkook’s own erection throbs as he obliges, the third finger pressing in easier than the first two. Namjoon groans at being filled more, squirming to try and get Jungkook to move right away. Jungkook mouths wetly at his neck as he thrusts his fingers inside Namjoon.
Back arching, little moans and whimpers fall out of Namjoon’s mouth continuously. Jungkook presses up higher, searching for that special bundle of nerves. When he finds it, he pushes the pads of his fingers against it. Namjoon shouts.
“Holy fuck,” he says with wide eyes.
Jungkook giggles and nuzzles at Namjoon’s neck.
“Didn’t feel like that when you tried it yourself, huh?” he can’t help but tease.
Namjoon shakes his head with a grin.
“Definitely not. Do it again?”
Jungkook does, Namjoon’s walls fluttering tightly around his fingers. He imagines that feeling around his cock and groans. His fingers start to set a fast pace as he works Namjoon open, hitting his spot with each thrust.
“Keep going. God, feels so fucking good. Like, I can feel it so deep.”
Jungkook chokes off a moan at the words. His cock twitches against Namjoon’s thigh as his mind goes back to being buried inside Namjoon. Under him, Namjoon’s hips jerk as his body tries to receive more. Jungkook’s almost painfully hard now and his cock twitches again.
Namjoon must feel it this time because he tries to slow his breathing and pulls Jungkook down into a searing kiss, his fingers pulling out.
“I think I’m ready,” he murmurs into Jungkook’s mouth.
Jungkook can’t help the whine that escapes and buries his face into Namjoon’s neck. Namjoon chuckles softly and strokes the back of Jungkook’s hair, hand traveling all the way down his back and then back up soothingly. He lets the caresses calm him down for a few moments. He pushes back up to look into Namjoon’s eyes.
“It still might feel like a lot even after the fingers,” he warns gently.
“Okay. I know you’ll be careful,” Namjoon says with hooded eyes.
Jungkook leaves butterfly soft kisses all over his face and neck. Namjoon reaches for the lube again and pours some into his palm. Jungkook shudders when Namjoon coats his erection generously, hissing when he teases at his slit. He can’t help it when he ruts down, seeking any kind of relief. The thought that he’s about to be inside Namjoon makes him shake and needs to take a moment to steady himself.
He reaches down to take his erection in his hand, guiding his cock towards Namjoon’s entrance. He teases the tip around Namjoon’s rim, making them both moan in unison. He looks into Namjoon’s eyes one more time.
“Want it,” Namjoon murmurs with a reassuring nod.
These lust-filled words he’s been hearing from Namjoon’s mouth are filed away for later. He almost can’t believe it when he starts to push inside. The second he feels the wet warmth, he knows he’s never coming back from this. He’s only the tiniest bit inside when Namjoon’s breath hitches. His head falls heavy into the pillows and his eyes are closed. Jungkook takes Namjoon’s leaking erection in his hand and strokes him slowly.
“I’ve got you. Just relax for me. Focus on what feels good,” he murmurs tenderly.
Namjoon licks his lips and manages a small nod.
“I’m okay. You can keep going.”
Jungkook continues stroking him, Namjoon’s muscles relaxing and allowing him to sink the tiniest bit deeper and deeper in a way that’s making his mind go absolutely crazy.
“Fuck, oh my- “ Namjoon cuts off into a loud gasp when the lube makes Jungkook slide in a couple more inches.
He stills to let Namjoon adjust, the pressure already feeling amazing. He’s still incredibly tight but their bodies are listening to each other as Jungkook is swallowed almost all the way in by the warmth.
“You did so well. Let me all the way in,” he praises with a kiss at Namjoon's sweaty temple.
Namjoon huffs out a laugh and tries to focus his eyes as Jungkook stays still.
“Like to give praise, too, huh?”
“Only to you,” Jungkook says, mind completely gone.
Namjoon’s eyes soften and he traces Jungkook’s nose.
“I think I like that.”
Jungkook smiles lovingly and gives Namjoon’s waist a squeeze. Namjoon cups his jaw and kisses tenderly into his mouth. His body relaxes even more and he’s buried all the way inside. Namjoon chokes off a moan into his mouth, not kissing anymore but their lips brushing. Jungkook lets go of Namjoon’s cock and settles on his forearms, bodies pressed together so tight it’s hard to tell where each one begins.
The way Namjoon is gripping him so tightly has him huff out an overwhelmed pant and rest his forehead on Namjoon’s shoulder.
“Fuck, you already feel good,” he murmurs.
“Are you still okay?” he adds, searching Namjoon’s face.
Namjoon takes a deep breath that he exhales shakily.
“Feels like… a lot. But in a good way? I’ve never felt… filled before. Fuck, that sounded dirtier than I meant it.”
“It’s okay. I liked hearing it,” Jungkook grins.
Namjoon rolls his eyes with a smile. Jungkook’s hips jerk slightly at the pretty sight beneath him. Namjoon’s hands fly to his shoulders.
“Sorry, sorry. Are you okay?” Jungkook rushes out.
“Y-yeah. I think- you can start moving. Slowly,” Namjoon whispers.
Jungkook nods with wide eyes. He moves his hips to pull out carefully and then push slowly back in. Namjoon’s hands hold him tighter and his eyes widen at the feeling.
“Fuck. Again.”
Namjoon’s moans pick up as Jungkook continues the motions, massaging his inner walls. Everything is so sensual in ways Jungkook has only seen in movies and read about in books. Normal people like him don’t experience things like this. But here he is, experiencing this with the person he loves so much it feels absolutely infinite.
His body and mind are becoming overwhelmed in the best way possible and he thrusts in harder than he had been. Before he can think to check if it’s okay, Namjoon’s leg comes up to wrap around him.
“Yeah, faster is okay. I- I like it,” Namjoon gasps out.
Every one of Jungkook’s nerves is on fire. He reaches down to grip Namjoon’s thigh, fingers pressing into the muscles there that he’s admired silently for so long. He’s done. He can’t be silent anymore. Even it’s just Namjoon and the universe who can hear him.
“Your legs. These thighs,” he squeezes roughly. “God, you’re so hot. Feel so good inside. Want to make you feel everything. Want to give you everything,” he rasps.
He can’t say he loves Namjoon so he will show him. Make his body feel his love pulse through it. He pulls almost all the way out and thrusts back in harder. Namjoon’s back arches and he lets out a groan that tapers off into a whimper.
“Love the way you sound, too.”
“Fuck, making me feel so good. Feels so, fuck. Feels so deep,” Namjoon grits out.
His pelvis tilts to meet Jungkook’s thrusts and his other leg goes to wrap around him. Somehow, this seems to drive Jungkook impossibly deeper.
“More,” Namjoon chokes out.
Namjoon’s walls flutter as Jungkook throbs inside him. Jungkook realizes how loudly he’s been moaning and panting, too. He bites his lip to try and control it. Namjoon notices and shakes his head.
“No, I like hearing how good you feel.”
Jungkook curses and rolls his hips and grinds down deep. He starts to set a pace, thrusting at an unrelenting tempo as he lets sounds of pleasure fall from his lips.
“Just like that. Fuck me just like that, Kook,” Namjoon whispers.
Jungkook feels like his skin is glowing. Like his entire being is.
“S-say it again.”
He needs to hear it again. Needs the confirmation in Namjoon’s words. Needs it all spoken into the universe.
“Fuck me like that, baby.”
Jungkook’s heart sings at the name and leans down to kiss tenderly into Namjoon’s red mouth. On his next thrust, he can tell he’s hit that sensitive cluster of nerves. Namjoon’s eyes roll back with another shout of overwhelmed pleasure and his nails dig into Jungkook’s back muscles.
Seeing Namjoon like this is more than Jungkook ever thought possible. It’s so intimate and so beautiful. It truly feels like it is just the two of them in the world right now. Their bodies swaying and moving together in ways only the two of them can understand. He remembers their book and the word it had used. Fusion. And it does feel like that. Fusion of their bodies. Their hearts. Their souls.
His thrusts start to become erratic, chasing his own release and he presses deep on Namjoon’s prostate.
“I can’t-I’m so close. Please,” Namjoon breathes.
Jungkook shifts up slightly to reach a hand down between them. He takes Namjoon’s leaking cock and strokes as he continues his deep and rolling thrusts.
“I-I’m gonna…”
Jungkook presses and teases over Namjoon’s slit with one last strong roll of his hips to hit his prostate.
“I’ve got you,” he repeats.
He watches in awe as Namjoon’s muscles tense and flex. He’s clenching around Jungkook tightly and he throws his head back as beads of sweat roll down his neck. His walls spasm over Jungkook’s cock as he starts to come, spilling over Jungkook’s hand. A long, shattered moan falls from Namjoon’s lips. He shudders as his thighs and hands hold onto Jungkook so tightly he’s pretty sure he’s going to have bruises. And it’s the most beautifully intimate thing that Jungkook’s ever seen. This. This is what all the writers, painters, sculptures, and singers should make art out of.
“Namjoon,” he sighs just to hear the name on his lips.
Namjoon only has a few moments to recover before Jungkook is falling over the edge with him. He pulls out, pleasure erupting in waves as Namjoon immediately takes his wet erection and starts to pump. He can feel his cock throb hard in Namjoon’s grip.
“Y-yes, oh fuck. Oh my-” he cuts off, his orgasm starting to rush through him strongly.
It’s like every muscle in his body can feel how intense he’s coming as he spurts ropes of cum into Namjoon’s hand. Namjoon brushes a thumb over his slit and he almost collapses, eyes seeing stars. The wave he is under feels incredible, every cell in his body experiencing the intensity. He doesn’t remember ever coming this hard, chest heaving harshly over Namjoon. It’s never felt so good to come so undone. To let someone see him come undone. He buries his face in Namjoon’s neck, trembling as he slowly starts to come down.
His breaths finally start to sound more normal. He sighs heavily and realizes Namjoon is gently caressing his back. He’s not sure why he does it but he sticks out his tongue to give Namjoon’s neck a kitten lick. He tastes sweet and sweaty and Jungkook loves it. He manages to push himself up to look into Namjoon’s eyes.
Namjoon’s dark eyes watch him in a way that has him shivering. Jungkook opens his mouth to say something. He knows it’s going to be I love you. He closes his mouth again. Namjoon reaches up to cup his cheek, thumb smoothing over his cheekbone. Jungkook leans into the touch and closes his eyes. He feels weightless with satisfaction and happiness. With love.
He opens his eyes and leans down to kiss Namjoon’s chin and then up to his lips. They are soft and gentle kisses, flower petals falling over each other. Time stands still again for them and it’s perfect.
Jungkook shifts and they both slowly become aware of what’s drying on them. Namjoon chuckles at Jungkook’s red cheeks and kisses them.
“I’ll go get a washcloth,” he murmurs.
Jungkook nods, still unable to get words out. He sits up and clears his throat while Namjoon is gone, making sure his voice still does indeed work. He smiles shyly when Namjoon reappears after a couple moments and slides back into the bed.
Namjoon had cleaned himself off in the bathroom so now he just focuses on Jungkook.
“Is it okay if I…?”
Jungkook nods.
Namjoon gently wipes down his stomach and then down to his softening cock. He works gingerly, Jungkook letting out a small hiss at the sensitivity.
“Okay?”
“Y-yeah. Just sensitive,” he whispers.
Namjoon finishes up his work carefully, tossing the washcloth on the side of a wastebasket. He settles more, sitting slightly elevated by the pillows. Jungkook knows he needs to say more. Needs to make sure Namjoon isn’t misconstruing his quietness.
He turns towards Namjoon and moves closer, arms going to slide around his neck. Namjoon holds him by the waist and Jungkook melts into him. He nuzzles at Namjoon’s neck, inhaling his sweet, water scent. Everything he's ever wanted. He moves to rest their foreheads together.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. For trusting me. I know that probably wasn’t easy,” he murmurs.
“It was. Since it was you, it was,” Namjoon says seriously.
Jungkook eyes widen and he pulls Namjoon into another embrace, hearts singing to each other through their chests.
“Also, it was amazing. Like, I didn’t even know I could feel like that amazing,” Namjoon adds with a shy chuckle.
Jungkook giggles.
“I thought so, too.”
His expression turns serious and he observes Namjoon.
“You’re really feeling okay? Emotionally and umm- everywhere else?”
“I’m feeling… a lot. But in a new, good way? And just…just feel so good about it all being with you.”
He places a soft kiss on Jungkook’s arm.
“And umm… I feel slightly sore. But in a sated way that makes my core feel hot when I think about it,” he admits with reddening cheeks.
Jungkook feels a weak flash of arousal at what Namjoon just said. Namjoon takes in his expression and laughs softly into Jungkook’s chest.
“The way you look at me…” Namjoon mumbles, barely audible.
Jungkook cups Namjoon’s face, gaze heavy.
“The way I look at you?” he whispers.
“It's just so… it’s like you really want to see me. The real me.”
“I do,” Jungkook breathes.
They stay in each other's arms, sliding down into the sheets more. Jungkook traces patterns over Namjoon’s bicep and listens to his breathing.
“Can I still go away with you on your cloud?” he asks.
“Always,” Namjoon answers.
Notes:
Goodness, I’m sorry this update took so long. I thought a lot about how I wanted to write this chapter and changed my mind multiple times. Things needed to be just right. I really hope you like it! I think this is the longest chapter since the first one so hopefully that makes up for the wait. Also, after overthinking it for no good reason, I made a new twitter . I’ve always wanted to be able to provide updates on progress of chapters and new fic ideas. Maybe I’ll even post short previews of chapters? I’m not sure yet but feel free to follow if you want! Thank you so much for reading and as always, comments make my day!
Chapter Text
Kim Namjoon remembers clearly the first time he met Jeon Jungkook. It was years ago now but he remembers those big, bambi eyes looking at him. Remembers the shy greeting, the soft voice.
Taehyung and Jimin had just become roommates and were looking for a third to be able to afford everything. Jimin had met Jungkook during college and introduced him to Taehyung. The three of them had hit it off from the start and the rest was history.
They invited everyone over for a casual apartment warming. Namjoon was the only one who hadn’t met Jungkook yet, being overwhelmed and overworked at the job he had at the time. He’d been talking with Seokjin when Jimin had caught his attention and motioned him over. Namjoon had looked curiously over at the guy standing with Jimin as he’d made his way over to them. He knew it must be Jungkook but waited for Jimin to make the introductions. Jimin slung an arm around Namjoon and smiled between the two of them.
“Namjoon! I’m so happy you’re here. I was worried you were gonna give us another work excuse,” Jimin grinned, beer bottle dangling from his fingers.
“They’re not excuses. I actually have to work or I’ll get fired,” Namjoon replied with a good-natured eye roll.
“Yeah, yeah. They take advantage of you there. But let’s not think about work tonight. This is a night of celebration!” Jimin exclaimed, taking a long swig of his beer.
Namjoon raised an eyebrow and glanced over at who he was still assuming must be Jungkook. The guy smiled softly and shrugged, looking down at his own beer.
“Okay, whatever you say,” Namjoon laughed.
Jimin nodded triumphantly and then widened his eyes comically.
“Oh wait! The two of you haven’t even properly met yet. Kim Namjoon, this is Jeon Jungkook. Our new roommate who saved us and is the best. Jeon Jungkook, this is Kim Namjoon who works too hard but is also the best.”
Namjoon laughed and reached his hand out.
“I don’t know about the best part, but yeah, I’m Namjoon.”
Jungkook had taken his hand, eyes looking up to meet his.
“Jungkook. Nice to meet you. Umm- Jimin and Taehyung talk a lot about you,” he’d said softly.
“Good things, I hope?” Namjoon smiled.
Jungkook’s big eyes had somehow widened even more.
“Of c-course! I didn’t mean it to sound like- like it wasn't.”
“Hey, nothing to worry about! It didn’t, promise,” Namjoon assured with a dimpled smile.
Jungkook nodded with relief and let a small smile reach his lips in return to Namjoon’s. While they had been talking, Namjoon had been letting his eyes take in the person before him. He looked so young. He had piercings and Namjoon could see some tattoos peeking out of his sleeves, the look a bit at odds with his soft voice. Jungkook had realized he still had Namjoon’s hand in his and took his own back quickly. Jimin, who had turned away to talk to someone else, turned back and grinned. He leaned on Namjoon’s shoulder so both of them were facing Jungkook.
“He has pretty eyes, doesn’t he?” Jimin said matter-of-factly, looking back at Namjoon for agreement.
A pink tinge rose in Jungkook’s cheeks and he looked away before lightly shoving Jimin in embarrassment. They’d both missed the way Namjoon had nodded his head in agreement immediately.
Ever since that night, Namjoon had known that Jungkook was attractive. He’s not one of those guys that can’t even admit when another guy is good looking without thinking he’s risking his “straightness” or “masculinity”. He thinks all his friends have attractive qualities so he never really thought much about when he would notice something specific about Jungkook or observe him when he wasn’t looking. He would notice when Jungkook got a new haircut, when he added a little extra tinted lip balm to his lips. He never said anything because he never thought it was a big deal. It’s human nature to appreciate pretty things.
Sometimes he would catch Jungkook already looking at him when he glanced over. Jungkook would look away or down at his hands but Namjoon didn’t think much about it. It was just a little Jungkook quirk that he would catch every once in a while.
Then he met Dae and she took up so much of the space in his mind like the way new love does. The looks and his thoughts about Jungkook fell away from his mind. It just wasn’t something that he actively thought about anymore.
Dae and him moved in together and he was happy. He loved Dae and she loved him and it felt good to be at this stage in his life. He had a job he actually liked now, a good relationship and great friends.
And then Yoongi’s birthday party happened. And Jungkook kissed him. It had taken Namjoon’s mind a moment to really register what was happening when Jungkook did it. He pulled away mostly from pure shock. He remembered Jungkook’s expression when he had. How it had broken his heart just a little. The mix of hurt at the rejection, embarrassment, distress and sadness was too much. Namjoon hadn’t had time to say anything but his name before Jungkook made a run for it.
He called Jungkook’s name one more time before the door had slammed. He thought about running after him but what would he have said? And what if he just said something stupid and made Jungkook feel worse? The thought of Jungkook feeling hurt and upset had him stressed and upset himself but he couldn’t think of what to do. He needed some time to think.
He looked around the apartment sadly and started to slowly clean up, body just going through the motions as he thought about Jungkook. Did Jungkook really mean to do that? They’d all had some champagne. Maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly. Namjoon was surprised when he felt a little tinge of disappointment at the thought that it was maybe something Jungkook had done with not much thought or emotion behind it. That didn’t really seem like Jungkook, though.
As the days had passed, Namjoon thought about Jungkook more and more. Not just about the kiss but about him in general. He started to remember how much of Jungkook he would notice before Dae. His pretty eyes, his lips, how he let his hair start to grow longer and longer. How his nose would scrunch sometimes when he really laughed at something. It all made Namjoon smile softly to himself.
He thought about texting him but every time he picked up his phone and scrolled to Jungkook’s name, his thumbs just hovered over the screen, his mind unable to come up with what to say. He’d been so confused and was so scared to do anything that might be the last straw to make everything permanently awkward between them. The thought of losing Jungkook, in any capacity, was too much.
It had been late at night and Namjoon couldn’t sleep so he was in the living room, curled up in an armchair and looking out the large window into the night sky. He sighed. He had tried. He really had. But his mind refused to move on from Jeon Jungkook and that night.
Namjoon had gingerly reached up and done what he had been refusing to do until now. He traced his lips gingerly and thought back to the way Jungkook’s lips had felt. He shivered. In reality, it was just a couple of seconds but it felt like more. It felt…good. And he wanted to do it again.
The guilt at this realization had eaten away at Namjoon. How could he be thinking like this? He’s in a relationship. A serious one. And he’s just not the kind of person to think about someone else like that while in a relationship. But there’s something about Jungkook that is not just “someone else”.
Having those thoughts about another man is a whole other issue his mind didn’t want to fully deal with. Sure, he’d thought different men throughout his life were attractive but he didn’t remember ever wanting to kiss them. He’d only ever been with women. It’s just the way his life had gone.
Namjoon was pretty sure they all knew Jungkook was interested in guys. He thought back and tried to remember if Jungkook or others had ever mentioned him having a boyfriend. Maybe a hookup here and there but he didn’t remember ever hearing of anything that seemed serious. He wondered why. Jungkook was…the definition of a perfect catch. Namjoon’s pulse had quickened when he realized he thought this.
Then he got the text from Jimin inviting him over. A get together at Jimin’s place. Jimin’s place that was also Jungkook’s place. He hadn’t responded. He shouldn’t go over there. What if Jungkook didn’t even want to see him? Especially in his own apartment. Namjoon didn’t want Jungkook to feel uncomfortable in his own space.
The day of, it felt like the hours passed by in the slowest of sands. Namjoon made it back home after work and tried to distract himself with a movie. It didn’t work and all he could do was keep checking his phone. He’d taken a deep breath and traced his lips again. He’d texted Jimin he would be on his way.
That night, he tried to pay careful attention to the way Jungkook was looking at him without being too obvious. Jungkook would shoot him shy little glances that he wasn’t sure what to do with. Then after winning that video game, they had been face to face. And Namjoon had seen it. The shy glimmer of hope mixed with nerves and unsureness.
It had taken every ounce of courage he had to excuse himself quietly to the bathroom and sneak up to Jungkook’s room. He’d stood outside the door for a few moments and then been terrified Jungkook was going to open the door and find him just standing there. When he knocked and there was no answer, his heart fell a little. Was this a sign to just let everything go? Something in him couldn’t accept that and he knocked again, relief and nerves flooding his body at seeing Jungkook open the door. It was so different to be feeling like this around Jungkook.
They started talking and it seemed like things were going to be okay between them. And then Namjoon’s dumb mouth opened and made him bring up the kiss. He could see the panic and embarrassment rise up in Jungkook and he immediately felt bad. And when Jungkook sounded like he regretted it? It all had Namjoon’s heart and mind going a mile a minute. Why was he so hurt at the thought of Jungkook regretting it? And then Namjoon had told him to ask him. Can I kiss you? Hearing the words come out of Jungkook’s pretty lips made his mind absolutely swim.
The kiss felt so new and different. And so good. It made his heart pick up speed in ways it hadn’t done in a long time. And every kiss after that was equally as good, if not better as they learned each other’s mouths more and more.
It was easier than he wanted to admit to just focus on the good stuff. Not think about the repercussions of what he was doing. Being with Jungkook just felt so special. As they spent more time together in this new way, Namjoon kept being startled at how strong his feelings were.
Now he’s waking up with Jungkook in his arms. It’s a strange feeling but in a way that makes Namjoon’s heart still flutter excitedly. He’s never had someone who feels like Jungkook in his arms. All hard muscle instead of soft plush. Jungkook’s arms are wrapped around his midsection, holding him close.
The memories of what they did last night start to seep in as Namjoon becomes more awake. There’s an immediate heat in his belly as he remembers all the new sensations. He glances over at Jungkook and has to take a deep breath.
Waking up naked in bed with Jungkook is not something that seemed in the realm of possibility even a month ago. But here they are. And it feels overwhelming but also so intensely intimate. Something that only they can understand.
Namjoon knows that there’s a chance he’s developing feelings that are way more serious than Jungkook may have bargained for when they started this. And maybe that’s for the best. At least this way, if Namjoon’s own feelings are stronger than Jungkook’s, he can take the brunt of the hurt. He probably deserves it anyway.
But right now, he has this gorgeous man in his bed and it feels amazing. Namjoon reaches up and ever so gently traces the small scar on Jungkook’s cheek. He’s just so lovely to look at.
Jungkook sighs softly and snuggles deeper into Namjoon’s chest. Namjoon loves it so much it almost hurts his heart a bit. He combs through Jungkook’s hair gingerly. He watches for some time and then Jungkook’s eyes slowly start to blink open. He looks up at Namjoon and a pretty blush starts to spread across his cheeks.
“M-morning. Umm…is it still morning?” he asks in a voice still wispy with sleep.
Namjoon chuckles softly.
“I think so. Late morning.”
Jungkook hums and stretches, his hand flexing over Namjoon’s stomach. The touch sends a small shiver through Namjoon.
“Your voice is deep in the mornings,” Jungkook says softly, more like an observation to himself.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Like it,” Jungkook murmurs.
Namjoon smiles to himself. Jungkook is still holding him close when he looks into his eyes again. There’s something there that makes Namjoon tilt his head slightly. A look of subtle apprehension mixed with hopefulness. It makes Namjoon hold his breath when Jungkook opens his mouth to speak.
“Will you kiss me?” Jungkook whispers.
Namjoon blinks in surprise. He lets his eyes travel over Jungkook’s features, leaning in closer. Jungkook shivers when Namjoon ghosts his lips over his.
“Of course,” Namjoon breathes into his mouth.
He presses his lips to Jungkook’s, sweet sighs and tingles immediately passing between the two of them. Jungkook holds him close, letting Namjoon slowly kiss into his mouth. Namjoon moves his hand to hold Jungkook’s waist. Jungkook peeks his tongue out to meet Namjoon’s and it makes Namjoon’s mind start to go fuzzy. Jungkook moves to place soft kisses down his jaw. He pulls him into a hug, nestling into the crook of his neck.
“Liked waking up to you. Last night and now,” he admits softly.
“Me too,” Namjoon murmurs.
Jungkook presses soft kisses into Namjoon’s neck. It feels so nice and lovely and has Namjoon shivering. Their lips find each other again, this time with more intensity. Jungkook’s tongue slides into his mouth right away. Namjoon groans softly and grips Jungkook’s bare waist. Jungkook gasps when Namjoon bites softly into his lower lip and licks soothingly across it. Namjoon does it again just to hear that sound, this time a little harder. Jungkook gives an overwhelmed gasp and slings a leg around him.
It reminds Namjoon of their heated secret exchange at the club. He reaches up and holds Jungkook’s jaw, guiding his mouth open wider and pressing his tongue inside. Jungkook moans into his mouth, fingers pressing hard into Namjoon’s skin as he holds on. Namjoon reaches down to trace Jungkook’s thigh as he kisses him. He hears Jungkook swallow harshly.
“I-I’m starting to get…” Jungkook mumbles, trailing off when Namjoon kisses his neck wetly.
Namjoon’s mind clears of all things except the singular focus to make Jungkook feel good.
“Mmm. That’s more than okay,” he hums with another kiss to Jungkook’s jawline.
He moves down to pepper kisses over Jungkook’s chest. Jungkook giggles breathily at the soft, ticklish touches. Namjoon smiles into his skin, the sound making his heart so full. Jungkook’s giggles cut off into a moan when Namjoon licks across a nipple. He laves at the hardening bud. Jungkook starts to pant, chest rising and falling more. Namjoon does the same to the other nipple, admiring Jungkook’s blushing chest.
He goes back up to kiss into Jungkook’s wet mouth again. Jungkook’s eyes focus on him when he pulls away. He watches questioningly as Namjoon slowly settles on his knees.
“Can I make you feel good?” Namjoon asks softly.
Jungkook’s eyes widen and a red blush spreads across his cheeks. He chews his lip and nods shyly. It’s cute how he still gets shy, even after last night.
“Please,” Jungkook whispers.
Namjoon smiles. He kisses Jungkook slowly, pulling away again. Jungkook moves up to chase his mouth. Namjoon allows their lips to connect again, slowly kissing as he gently presses Jungkook to lean back into the pillows with his legs stretched in front of him and bent up slightly. Jungkook watches him with blown out eyes as they part for breath.
Namjoon moves until he’s sitting between Jungkook’s legs. He places a hand on each one of his knees and looks at Jungkook for confirmation. Jungkook nods and lets Namjoon slowly part his legs wider. Namjoon gingerly runs the pads of his fingers up and down thick thigh muscles. He finds he wants to touch every part of Jungkook. Wants to leave invisible and not so invisible fingerprints all over his body.
Starting at the top of Jungkook’s inner thigh, he lightly rakes his fingernails down. Jungkook chokes out a gasp. Namjoon exhales shakily and does it again, this time with more force, leaving red fingernail trails down the pale skin that doesn’t see sunlight.
“Fuck,” Jungkook mumbles.
Namjoon grins and has Jungkook’s full attention as he lowers himself onto his stomach, still nestled between Jungkook’s legs. Jungkook’s eyes seem to go impossibly darker and he gives an overwhelmed glance at the ceiling.
“Oh my god. Can’t believe I’m really seeing and feeling this,” he says.
Namjoon chuckles softly.
“What can I do to make you believe?”
Namjoon leans down to glide his tongue soothingly over the nail marks before Jungkook can answer.
“This?”
He sucks on the delicate skin, grazing his teeth gently over muscle.
“Or maybe this?”
Jungkook groans.
“Y-yes, yes. All of it. Want all of it,” he pants.
Namjoon nods. He wants to give Jungkook all the pleasure in the world. He sucks a dark bloom into his skin, listening to the pretty noises that leave Jungkook’s mouth. He pulls away to admire his work, leaving one last kiss over the marked skin.
Jungkook is fully hard now, leaking onto his stomach. Namjoon delicately takes him in his hand, fingertips playing over the sticky head. Jungkook moans sweetly.
Namjoon touches slowly and carefully. He’s still a little self-conscious of how to touch Jungkook just right, about the right moves to make. Although, it does seem like Jungkook reacts well to any way Namjoon touches him.
That gives him the confidence to reach under the pillows and retrieve the discarded bottle of lube from last night. Jungkook’s blown out eyes watch him with laser focus, teeth digging harshly into his lower lip.
“Please tell me if I umm- do anything wrong?” Namjoon asks.
Jungkook looks surprised at the question for a second and then his face falls into a warm smile.
“You won’t,” he murmurs, reaching down to brush through Namjoon’s hair.
Namjoon closes his eyes for a moment at the soft touch. He kisses the inside of Jungkook’s knee and leans his weight on his elbows, still on his stomach.
He clicks open the bottle and takes Jungkook’s erection in his other hand. He holds him as he tips the bottle upside down and squeezes it carefully. They both watch as the clear substance begins to slowly fall from the bottle onto Jungkook’s cock, making Jungkook whimper. The lube starts to fall down his shaft and Namjoon watches, enamored by the sight. He squeezes more out, wanting Jungkook fully coated.
Once Jungkook is glistening with it, Namjoon puts the bottle aside. He runs his hand up and down slowly, skin slipping over skin. Jungkook moans breathily. Namjoon presses at his slit, making his hips jerk. He starts to stroke him carefully, fascinated by the way Jungkook looks in his hand. He adds more pressure, twisting his wrist like he does when he touches himself. Little moans and sighs fall past Jungkook’s lips, a song just for Namjoon to hear.
“That feels good,” Jungkook sighs.
Namjoon teases his slit again, a higher pitched moan falling from Jungkook’s lips. His legs fall open wider. Namjoon watches as lube drips down Jungkook’s erection to his rim. The sight makes Namjoon shiver. He wants to touch. He looks up at Jungkook under his lashes.
“C-can I go lower?”
Jungkook moans at the words alone.
“Yeah. Yeah, definitely.”
Still stroking Jungkook’s cock slowly, Namjoon brings his other hand down to his entrance. He starts to teasingly play with the lube that has dripped there, fingertips circling experimentally. Jungkook shudders hard and digs his fingers into the sheets.
“Okay?” Namjoon checks.
Jungkook huffs out a laugh.
“More than okay.”
Namjoon nods and continues the motions. Jungkook’s abs tense as his breaths come in harshly. Namjoon strokes and pets over him. When he taps lightly at his entrance, Jungkook whimpers and his cock twitches in Namjoon’s hand.
“N-namjoon. I want- i-inside please?” he begs softly.
Namjoon feels heat fill his core at the request.
“Okay,” he murmurs with a kiss to Jungkook’s thigh.
Jungkook picks up the lube and dribbles some more over himself and onto Namjoon’s fingers. It’s so wet and hot and has Namjoon feeling like he’s about to lose his mind.
He keeps stroking as he circles his fingers one more time and then slowly starts to press one finger inside. Jungkook falls back into the pillows as his body lets Namjoon in. Namjoon watches with wide eyes as his finger disappears and sinks in all the way. Jungkook feels so warm and tight. He stays like that until he hears Jungkook clear his throat.
“You can move. It’s okay,” he reassures with a soft smile.
Namjoon blushes and exhales slowly. He pulls his finger out and then slides it back in, lube making the glide smooth.
“Yeah, that’s good,” Jungkook breathes.
Namjoon relaxes a little and keeps sliding his finger in and out. He feels Jungkook’s walls gripping his digit so tightly and it shoots arousal down his spine. He swallows hard.
“You feel tight,” he says before his mind can really think about what he’s saying.
Jungkook giggles breathlessly.
“Yeah?”
Namjoon hooks his finger a little and the new angle makes Jungkook moan deeply.
“Put another one in,” he pants.
Namjoon presses his index and middle finger together and starts to push inside. Jungkook whines and Namjoon stops.
“No, keep going. Please keep going.”
So Namjoon does, sinking the two fingers inside. Now when he curls his fingers and pumps in and out, Jungkook’s back arches and his curses loudly.
“So good,” he gasps.
Namjoon thrusts his fingers in with more force and Jungkook keens.
“More, more, more.”
This time, Namjoon knows Jungkook can handle it. He adds a third finger carefully and then goes back to that same pace. Jungkook’s moans fill his senses and he presses his own hips into the bed for some pressure.
“I think you’re close to m-my… here,” Jungkook says shakily.
He reaches down between his legs to take Namjoon’s wrist, maneuvering it so his hand angles more upward. Namjoon feels the pads of his fingers hit something the same moment that Jungkook cries out loudly.
“God, right there,” he groans with his head thrown back.
Namjoon presses experimentally on the spot and Jungkook trembles. Namjoon watches Jungkook’s body in awe. Everything about him is gorgeous and on display for Namjoon. Just for him. It’s so breathtaking to see.
“Your fingers are l-longer than mine,” Jungkook admits with a laugh, cutting off into another moan.
“Complimenting my hands, now?” Namjoon replies playfully, kissing over the bruises on Jungkook’s thighs.
“Yeah. You have nice hands. Pretty,” Jungkook mumbles through his moans.
Namjoon smiles, liking the compliment. Jungkook’s hand moves down to his grip his shoulder tightly.
“Yes. Namjoon,” he sighs through moans.
Like he just wants to have the name on his tongue. It makes Namjoon swallow hard. So good. It’s all so good. He massages Jungkook’s spot and rolls his thumb over the head of his erection. Jungkook’s fingernails dig into his skin, the other hand rolling the sheets through a fist.
“Oh my god. Fuck, just like that,” he says breathlessly.
Namjoon hums and continues to watch in awe.
“Like how you look when you feel good,” he murmurs.
He wouldn’t be surprised if Jungkook didn’t hear him through all the moans but he looks down between his legs, eye focusing on Namjoon.
“Like you looking,” he whispers with a hot blush.
They get lost in each other for a moment, eyes locked together. Namjoon’s fingers absentmindedly play over Jungkook’s prostate, making Jungkook whimper and bite his lip.
“Sensitive?” Namjoon asks.
Jungkook nods, licking his lips. Namjoon’s heated eyes follow the action.
“Namjoon?”
“Yes?”
“Want you to make me come.”
Namjoon curses softly.
“Okay, baby,” he murmurs.
Jungkook’s eyes widen and he makes a small, overwhelmed noise. His hand moves from Namjoon’s shoulder to his hair again, brushing away the pieces that have fallen forward.
“Baby,” Jungkook says back in a whisper.
Namjoon’s blood turns to honey at hearing the word from Jungkook. He nods, nuzzling into Jungkook’s hands for a moment. Jungkook’s fingertips move to trace Namjoon’s lips gingerly. Namjoon presses a kiss to them, making Jungkook smile softly. He slowly starts up the motions of his hands and fingers again. Jungkook sucks in a breath, his hand going back to grip Namjoon’s shoulder.
Namjoon starts to build the pressure of his movements up slowly, wanting Jungkook to enjoy every sensation. His fingers push the lube in and out, making Jungkook throw his head back with a loud groan. Namjoon watches the muscles in his neck flex as he swallows harshly.
He presses at Jungkook’s slit while circling and pressing at his prostate. All of Jungkook’s muscles tense and his walls clench around Namjoon’s fingers. There’s a sheen of sweat over his forehead as he tries to breathe through it all.
“S-so close,” he chokes out.
Namjoon pushes in deep without letting up and strokes tightly, teasing at the slit again.
“God, you look incredible,” Namjoon rasps.
Jungkook cries out, nails digging into Namjoon’s shoulder. He shakes as he goes impossibly tight around Namjoon’s fingers, cock throbbing in his hand. His back arches and he moans Namjoon’s name as his orgasm hits him, spilling over Namjoon’s hand. His walls spasm over and over with Namjoon’s fingers still inside. Namjoon stares as the pleasure grips Jungkook’s body. Pleasure that he gave him. The thought sends more tingles down his spine.
He strokes him gently through it all, earning a couple more weak spurts. Jungkook is still panting loudly, trying to catch his breath. He’s finally able to take a deep breath, body starting to fall back into the pillows as his orgasm subsides.
“Oh. My. God,” he croaks out.
Namjoon tries to hide his satisfied smile. Jungkook twitches at the overstimulation of still having Namjoon’s hands on and in him.
“Oh, sorry! Let me-”
He’s cut off by a soft laugh from Jungkook.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine. Well, more than fine actually.”
Jungkook manages to prop himself up and look into Namjoon’s eyes.
“Made me feel so amazing,” he murmurs.
Namjoon smiles and is overcome by the sudden need to kiss Jungkook. He looks down at his hands, carefully letting go of Jungkook’s softening cock and then hesitating a moment.
“It’s okay. Just gently,” Jungkook instructs.
Namjoon nods and starts to carefully pull his fingers out, listening for any signs of discomfort. It’s still so wet and Namjoon barely has time to think about how hot it all was before Jungkook is pulling him up into a kiss.
He falls easily into it as Jungkook’s arms wrap around his neck. Jungkook kitten licks into his mouth and pulls their chests together.
“You looked so good, fuck,” Namjoon breathes.
Red tints Jungkook’s cheeks again and he hides in Namjoon’s neck.
“Really?”
“Yeah, thought I was gonna lose my mind.”
Jungkook giggles, nosing at Namjoon’s jaw.
“Came so hard,” he whispers.
Namjoon groans and his hands go to grip Jungkook’s waist warningly.
“I don’t think I can handle hearing that right now,” he grits out.
Jungkook’s giggles turn into a full blown laugh. He kisses Namjoon again and sighs happily. He nestles close to Namjoon, both with smiles on their lips.
After some time, they realize they both need to shower. Namjoon tries to hide his smile when Jungkook climbs carefully out of their little cocoon, thighs still glistening with leftover lube and face tinged with a crimson blush. Jungkook of course catches him looking but it just makes the two of them look at each other with heated eyes and soft laughs.
“You can shower first,” Namjoon offers.
Jungkook nods gratefully as they step out of Namjoon’s office. Namjoon makes sure to get Jungkook the fluffiest towel and quickly set the bathroom up with everything he might need. Jungkook watches him work with an affectionate smile on his face. Once Namjoon is done, he claps his hands awkwardly and looks at Jungkook standing in the doorway.
“Okay, umm- all set, then?” he asks.
He offers a hand to Jungkook and pulls him further into the bathroom. Jungkook steps over to the shower that Namjoon has already turned on. Namjoon lets his hand go and Jungkook looks over at him.
“Are you gonna stay?” he asks, his lip quirking in a grin.
Namjoon’s eyes widen and he feels a trickle of heat move down his spine.
“No, no. Sorry! I don’t know what I was…”
Jungkook laughs and shrugs.
“I wouldn’t mind,” he murmurs.
Namjoon swallows hard.
“O-oh. Okay,” he replies softly.
He takes Jungkook’s hand again as they step under the hot water together. The water feels good but Namjoon is distracted by the sight in front of him. Jungkook has closed his eyes at the feeling of the water falling down his skin, hair starting to get wet and hang down in tendrils. He looks gorgeous and Namjoon feels like he could stare forever except Jungkook’s eyes open. He blinks and smiles shyly when he realizes Namjoon was staring. His eyes travel down Namjoon’s body and he bites his lip.
Jungkook reaches out and traces through the water falling down Namjoon’s chest. Namjoon’s pretty sure Jungkook can feel how hard his heart is beating. Does he know it’s for him? Namjoon needs him to know and needs him to never know simultaneously.
For now, he reaches out. Their hands slip over each other’s bodies as they touch, water falling over them. Working together to clean Jungkook’s thighs, careful around the purple blooms. Moving on to rinse away all remnants of sweat, lube and cum from last night and this morning. Namjoon feels himself blushing again as he remembers what his body felt.
When they get out, Namjoon wraps a towel low around his hips. He runs a hand through his wet hair and turns towards Jungkook to ask if he’s hungry. Jungkook has wrapped his own towel around his shoulders and is standing still and staring.
“Are you okay?” Namjoon frowns in concern.
“Yes!” Jungkook squeaks, eyes snapping up from where they were staring at the low towel on Namjoon’s hips.
Namjoon can’t help but laugh when he realizes and pulls Jungkook into a tight hug. He tips Jungkook’s chin up, their lips meeting easily.
“Hungry?” Namjoon asks.
“For food?”
Namjoon laughs again.
“Yes, for food,”
“Yes. Can I make you something?” Jungkook asks.
Namjoon tilts his head.
“That’s not what I- you don’t have to cook for me.”
“I want to,” Jungkook murmurs with another kiss.
So that’s what they do. After changing and brushing their teeth, Namjoon sits at a kitchen stool, watching Jungkook make food for them. It’s pretty well known between everyone that it’s often best for Namjoon to steer clear of anything too complicated in the kitchen.
Jungkook feeds him samples as he cooks and Namjoon gets dishes out so he’s at least doing something. They sit close to each other, talking softly and eating. It feels so good to be in Jungkook’s company. It always has but it’s different now. Everything is different now.
They move back to Namjoon’s office after they're done with their food, settling back on the futon. Jungkook fits himself to Namjoon’s side as he pulls his laptop over and starts the show they were watching last night up again. They sort of watch, interruptions of soft kisses and whispers unminded by both of them.
Namjoon doesn’t want it to end. Doesn’t want Jungkook to leave. But of course he has to. Namjoon tries to ignore how heavy his heart feels at watching Jungkook pack away the few belongings he brought. He sees Jungkook’s cheeks blush when he picks up the bottle of almost gone lube and tucks it away in his backpack.
“Are you sure you don’t need help with…” Jungkook motions to the futon and the now haphazard sheets.
“No, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” Namjoon reassures.
Jungkook looks unsure but Namjoon shakes his head.
“Really, I promise.”
Jungkook finally nods and looks around the office with a sigh. Namjoon tenses. Is he looking around in regret?
“Okay?” Namjoon manages to ask.
“Yeah. Just…umm. I-it felt good to spend the night with you,” Jungkook says softly.
Namjoon’ s pretty sure he means more than the sex but doesn’t want to push anything. He hopes. He holds a hand out and Jungkook takes it, rounding the futon to stand in front of him. He looks up with eyes that Namjoon’s not sure he’ll ever be used to.
“For me, too.”
He traces Jungkook’s scar on his cheek, leaning down to kiss it and then his lips. He doesn’t want to leave this room. Leaving this room means their time is over. Going back to the real world. The real world where Namjoon is overwhelmed and confused and scared at all the emotions and thoughts that are constantly swirling in his mind.
He pulls Jungkook into a tight embrace. He wonders if Jungkook senses something because he holds Namjoon, hand coming up to slide comfortingly through his hair. After a few moments, Namjoon manages to take a deep breath and pull away to look at Jungkook. He’s actually grateful when Jungkook slowly makes his way towards the office door, still grasping Namjoon’s hand. He’s not sure he could have himself.
They walk silently to the front door. Jungkook turns around and leans against it.
“Gonna take the bus,” he says.
“Are you sure? I can drive…”
“No, it’s easier this way,” Jungkook interrupts softly.
Namjoon nods. He looks down at their tangled fingers. There’s so much that he wants to say but doesn’t know how to. And that’s probably for the best.
“Namjoon?”
“Yes?”
“Please don’t let this be over. I’m not ready,” Jungkook admits in a whisper.
Namjoon’s heartbeat quickens at the words and a flutter of happiness runs through him that Jungkook doesn’t want this to end either. He rests their foreheads together.
“It’s not over,” he reassures softly.
Jungkook pulls him into a kiss that aches so good.
Yoongi invites him out for a quick lunch date the following week to give them both a break from the offices. Namjoon accepts the invitation happily. He hasn’t talked alone with Yoongi in a while.
He’s shared a lot with Yoongi over the years. He can share things that he doesn't always want to talk about with others. Something about the way Yoongi listens and helps but doesn’t sugarcoat anything makes him good for serious talks and advice. Of course, Namjoon can’t share the thing he wants advice on the most. Or, more accurately, the person he wants advice on.
Namjoon sighs heavily as he walks to their usual lunch place. He feels so unsure these days. He thought he had reached a point in his life where he knew himself pretty well. But he’s doing things that feel so foreign to him. It would be one thing if it was just the sexual experimenting. But it is so much more than that. He’s doing things that could end up hurting multiple people he cares deeply about. And he never thought he would be someone to do that.
He shakes his head as he reaches the restaurant. He doesn’t want to seem too distracted during lunch. He sees Yoongi is already there when he steps inside. He nods at the hostess as Yoongi waves him over.
“Hey!” he greets, grinning at Yoongi as he takes a seat.
“Hey. I saw you outside the window. You looked like you were on your way to a funeral,” Yoongi says with a raised eyebrow.
Namjoon’s smile falters a bit.
“It’s nothing. I’m just- just feeling a little stressed these days.”
Yoongi nods.
“Want to talk about it?”
Namjoon sighs and shakes his head.
“Just tell me what’s been up with you? It’ll take my mind off things.”
Yoongi nods and starts to chatter away about work and a new music software he’s discovered. Namjoon listens and nods along with a smile, listening to someone else’s life a good distraction from his own. The waiter comes to take their order and their food arrives soon after.
“Do you know when you’ll hear about whether or not that big project proposal was accepted?” Yoongi asks as they start to eat.
“Soon, I hope. It’s so stressful just waiting to - wait. I don’t even remember telling you about that,” Namjoon says with a crease to his brows.
Did he tell Yoongi? And just forgot? His mind has been so jumbled lately.
“Jimin mentioned it. I think Jungkook told him,” Yoongi answers casually.
Namjoon tries not to react at hearing Jungkook’s name.
“O-oh. Yeah. I think I did mention it to him. To Jungkook, I mean,” he stumbles out.
Luckily, Yoongi is too engrossed in his food to notice.
“Well, good luck,” Yoongi says.
Namjoon blinks.
“Huh?”
Yoongi rolls his eyes.
“Good luck with the proposal.”
Namjoon softens and smiles.
“Thanks. Always secretly so caring,” he adds with a smirk.
Yoongi narrows his eyes and points his spoon at Namjoon.
“And I like it that way.”
Namjoon laughs, starting to feel more relaxed. Yoongi looks out the restaurant window and chews his food thoughtfully.
“You know, sometimes I wonder if he has a bit of a crush on you,” he says.
Namjoon freezes. He looks carefully at Yoongi. There’s no way. There’s no way he knows, right?
“W-who?” he asks in as normal a voice as he can muster.
“Jungkook.”
Namjoon swallows hard and tries to think of a reply that doesn’t sound suspicious.
“Why would you say that?”
Yoongi shrugs nonchalantly like he didn’t just cause a small rupture in Namjoon’s world.
“Just sort of seems like it. Can’t think of anything specific at the moment. It’s probably nothing.”
He looks up at Namjoon and sees the slightly panicked expression on his face.
“Hey, relax. Like, I said. It’s probably nothing. Even if it is, it’s not like anything has to be done about it. He’ll get over it,” Yoongi says.
“Oh. Yeah. Probably,” Namjoon mumbles.
He’ll get over it. The words sting even though Namjoon knows Yoongi doesn’t mean it that way. He can’t think about this right now. This is absolutely not the time for it.
He manages to push his conflicting thoughts aside and focus on being in the present with Yoongi. The warm food helps him start to relax, laughing at Yoongi’s plentiful work stories and chatting about the latest music releases. They finish their food and pay, making their way outside the restaurant.
“Thanks for inviting me out. I really needed this,” he admits with a sigh as they stand on the sidewalk.
“Sure. It was good to catch up,” Yoongi says with a shrug.
Namjoon grins and moves to wrap Yoongi in a big bear hug. Yoongi pushes him away with a huff but Namjoon manages to get his arms around his smaller frame anyway.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have invited you if I knew you’d do this,” Yoongi grumbles.
But Namjoon knows him well enough to recognize the slight softness in his voice. Yoongi pats his back quickly to show it.
“Sure, sure,” Namjoon laughs as he pulls away.
His heart feels a little better as he watches Yoongi walk away, laughing when Yoongi turns around one more time to give him an exasperated look.
That night when he climbs into bed, Namjoon is still lost in his own thoughts. Dae is still up, reading her book. She glances over at Namjoon and furrows her brow.
“You okay?” she asks, reaching over to give his hand a squeeze.
Namjoon looks over at her and smiles. The warm light of the bedside lamp and her reading glasses that she only wears at home are a comforting sight.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Namjoon nods.
“You sure?” she asks.
“Yeah. Just a lot of stressful things going on.”
“At work,” he adds quickly.
“Is it about the project proposal?”
Namjoon nods again. That’s an easy excuse that also has some truth to it.
“I’m sure you’ll get it! And even if you don’t, I know you’ll have the next one in the bag,” she says, setting her book down.
Namjoon gives her hand a squeeze back and sighs at the nice, encouraging words that he doesn’t deserve.
“Is that really all you’re feeling stressed about?” she asks gently.
Always so kind. Namjoon leans over and gives her a tight hug.
“Just that. Don’t worry about me. I’ll feel better after everything, I’m sure.”
She holds him for a moment and then pulls away to look at him.
“Okay. You can always tell me anything,” she smiles.
The caring words cut through Namjoon, at odds with their intention. He manages to smile back, even though ugly guilt is hitting him right in the gut. Dae gives his shoulder one last squeeze and then picks up her book again. Namjoon slides down into the covers, feeling heavy like the guilt is literally dragging him down.
He can’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns, feeling bad for likely disturbing Dae’s sleep. Finally, he gets up quietly and tip toes out of the room. He waits a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark and then makes his way to the armchair by the window in the living room. His favorite thinking spot. He curls up in it the best his long legs allow and stares out at the midnight sky.
Namjoon thinks about how much has changed between him and Jungkook. And how even his perception of Jungkook has changed. Jungkook is so willing to share with him and it’s a little bit surprising. They’ve always talked and been fairly close but this is intimacy, not just physical, that they’ve never shared. Being with Jungkook just feels so bone deep good.
There’s something Namjoon finds he can’t quite explain to himself when Jungkook looks at him. It’s like Jungkook is always telling him something with his eyes. Something he can’t quite figure out but desperately wants to.
But he’s just so fucking scared at what all this means. Feeling this way about Jungkook. Sleeping with another man. Sneaking around. Lying to Dae. It’s all too much for his brain to handle and he presses at his temple, feeling an immediate headache coming on.
And that one word. That one word that he keeps pushing away even though he knows it’s what all this is. Cheating. He’s cheating on Dae. And he never thought it was possible for him to be that person. But he is that person.
He feels his eyes start to sting as tears start to well in his eyes. He pushes his palms harshly against them, trying to take deep breaths to calm himself. The hot tears start to fall down his face anyway. What has he done?
He loves Dae. He really does. But then why is he doing this? She’s so nice and smart and caring. And definitely does not deserve this. Neither does Jungkook. He can’t have both of them. Not like this. And at this point, doesn’t deserve either of them. But, selfishly, the thought of losing either of them makes his heart actually hurt.
Maybe just a little bit longer. He knows that’s what everyone tells themselves. Just a little bit longer and I’ll fix things. Easier said than done. He thinks back to what he told Jungkook. It’s not over.
Notes:
I really hope you like this chapter. This might be Namjoon's only POV or it might not. I haven't decided. You can let me know your thoughts.
I promise they will communicate more. Eventually. Bear with me. And them. 💜
I'm on twitter now too!
I’ll be posting updates and progress on this and other fics.
P.S. As always, comments make my day!
Chapter 6
Notes:
Yet again, I have so many things I want to say when writing and now I can’t think of any! First off, I’m sorry this took so long. My mind was preoccupied with so many other things going on in the world. I hope this serves as a little escape for you like it does for me. I’ll see you at the end of the chapter and happy reading!
FYI, this chapter is 23k.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
When Jungkook had gotten back home late Sunday afternoon, he had immediately gone to his room and shut the door. He’d flopped onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling. Did all that just really happen? His mind went back to that morning. Remembering Namjoon’s fingers over and in him. He shivered despite his hoodie. And last night? The memory of feeling Namjoon around him made him almost moan aloud. He’d had sex with Namjoon. And despite being unable to voice his love like he would have preferred, it was the most amazing, hot, beautiful, and special experience he’d ever had with another human being. The words not over, not over, not over, had run on repeat in his head.
His phone rings a couple of evenings later while he’s watching a show with Taehyung and Jimin. He glances down at the screen and sees it’s Namjoon. His heart quickens and he tries not to smile too wide.
“Umm, I’m gonna take this in my room,” he mumbles, standing from the couch.
Taehyung nods distractedly but Jimin raises an eyebrow playfully.
“Need privacy, huh?” he chirps.
Jungkook rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything, just lets a small grin speak for itself. He makes his way upstairs quickly, shutting his bedroom door softly behind him. His phone has stopped ringing by now so he calls Namjoon back as he settles onto his bed. He Facetimes him instead of a voice call. He wants to see him and figures if Namjoon can’t do that right now, he can just text him. His heart flutters happily when the call is picked up.
“Hey,” Namjoon greets him with a smile.
Jungkook can tell right away he’s at his desk in his home office.
“Hi,” he says back with a grin.
“How are you?” Namjoon asks.
“Good. I’m glad you called.”
“Yeah?”
Jungkook nods.
“Like hearing your voice. And seeing you,” he says.
Namjoon chuckles softly.
“I like seeing you, too.”
“Good day?”
Jungkook shrugs.
“It was okay. Although, there were free doughnuts at work today. That was exciting.”
“That always makes for an exciting day,” Namjoon nods seriously, making Jungkook giggle.
“How was your day?” Jungkook asks.
“Umm, really good actually,” Namjoon says.
“Tell me about it,” Jungkook replies, smiling at just the thought of Namjoon having a good day.
Namjoon grins and looks down at his hands.
“So umm- I don’t know if you remember, I mean, it’s not like I expect you to, but I was waiting to hear back about-”
“Your project proposal? Of course I remember! Did you finally hear something?” Jungkook asks excitedly.
A look of surprise crosses Namjoon’s face but it falls quickly into a dimpled smile.
“Yeah. I mean, yeah, I heard back. Um, they accepted it!”
Jungkook exclaims and tries to clap while still holding his phone, making Namjoon laugh.
“That’s so great and exciting. I knew they would!”
“I remember you telling me that,” Namjoon smiles.
“I’m just always right,” Jungkook shrugs casually.
“Is that so?” Namjoon chuckles.
“Well, that and I know you and how hard you work,” Jungkook adds, more serious to show he means it.
“Thanks, Kook,” Namjoon replies softly, eyes carefully watching him through his screen.
Jungkook watches him back and wishes they were in the same room so he could hug and congratulate Namjoon properly. Namjoon clears his throat and starts to nervously look to the side. Jungkook feels his own brow crease and he tilts his head worriedly. Namjoon takes a deep breath and looks back up at him.
“So, I don’t know if you remember this part. But, umm, we get to stay in the city on Friday night. The company is putting us up at this really cool hotel. And I was wondering if, well only if you’re free and want to, if you w-would maybe want to stay with me?” Namjoon finally manages to get out.
“It’s completely okay if you say no,” Namjoon adds quickly before Jungkook can answer.
Jungkook’s heartbeat quickens as he registers all of what was just said and he tries to hide a grin at Namjoon’s nervous ramble.
“I want to,” he answers softly.
Namjoon lets out a sigh of relief.
“Yeah?”
Jungkook nods and leans into his pillows.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t?” he teases gently.
“I just didn’t want to make any assumptions,” Namjoon says with red tingeing his cheeks.
“I’ll always want more time with you,” Jungkook murmurs, wondering if his words are too much to admit.
He watches Namjoon’s eyes twinkle at him through the screen and melts a little into the pillows. A thought crosses his mind and he doesn’t want to ruin the moment but doesn’t want to get too excited about this if it won’t work.
“D-do you think it will be okay? To have me there?”
Namjoon nods.
“If we’re careful, it will be okay.”
Jungkook knows that having to ask that should turn him off but he’s so far under that it doesn’t. Knows that Namjoon’s answer should too but it doesn’t. It shouldn’t be this easy to ignore what they’re doing. But it is. And Jungkook doesn’t feel like questioning that right now.
“Okay. Want to,” he says without hesitation.
They work out the details through text over the next couple of days. They’ll take the train into the city Friday morning and stay the night. Namjoon will have meetings and presentations for most of the day but then they’ll have the rest of the time together. Jungkook asks for a day off that he knows he’ll be granted because of his stacked unused vacation time. He could just meet up with Namjoon after work but then he wouldn’t make it to the city until late.
He casually mentions to Jimin and Taehyung over dinner that he’ll be visiting his brother next Friday. It’s not like they keep tabs on him but it’s an easy excuse to avoid questions about why he won’t be at work and home that night.
He’s at a drugstore with Jimin the next day, buying a few odd and ends they need for the apartment. There’s one thing that Jungkook needs that he doesn’t really feel like adding to the basket in front of Jimin. He plays around with coming back by himself later but then just decides to do it. He’s an adult and can buy whatever he wants.
He strays away from Jimin and goes down the aisle where he knows they are. He picks up two and walks back to find Jimin. Casually slipping the two small bottles of lube into the basket, he knows Jimin glances at them. He can’t help the blush when Jimin winks at him.
“Those are being added to your half of the total,” Jimin teases.
Jungkook can’t help the laugh that escapes him.
On Thursday, Jungkook is packing the same backpack from last time. He’s not quite as nervous as the first time but there are still butterflies in his stomach. He’s excited to be away from everything with Namjoon. For them to be in a neutral space that doesn’t have remnants of either of their personal lives.
He’s in the middle of carefully folding a sweatshirt when his phone rings.
“Hey, I was just packing for tomorrow,” he answers with a smile in his voice.
“Really? Well, I guess this is perfect timing then,” Namjoon says.
“Yeah?” Jungkook asks, waiting for Namjoon to elaborate.
Namjoon clears his throat nervously and takes a second before he continues.
“Since we’re going to be in the city, I was wondering umm- if you might want to go out on a d-date. Like, that evening.”
Jungkook chews his lip in a grin while he listens patiently. A date. Just the word makes his heart sing happily.
“I would like that. A lot,” Jungkook murmurs.
He hears Namjoon let out a sigh of relief.
“Great. That sounds great,” he hums.
Jungkook smiles and sits on his bed.
“Did you have anything in mind?”
“I might,” Namjoon says playfully.
Jungkook waits for more but Namjoon doesn’t say anything else.
“And? You’re not going to tell me?” he exclaims.
Namjoon laughs on the other end of the line.
“Nope. Want it to be a surprise.”
“Hmm. I guess I’m okay with that,” Jungkook considers.
Namjoon laughs again.
“I promise you’ll like it.”
“Pretty big words, there,” Jungkook grins.
“You don’t think I can deliver?” Namjoon huffs.
“No, I know you can,” Jungkook says.
For whatever reason, the sentence comes out sultrier than he means and he blushes into the phone. Namjoon is silent for a moment on the other end before he clears his throat again.
“I know you know,” Namjoon replies, voice a tone deeper.
Jungkook’s insides heat at the tone.
“Can’t wait for tomorrow", he says softly.
“Me neither.”
Another beat passes, allowing them both time to gather themselves.
“You said perfect timing that I was packing. Is there a dress code for this surprise date?” Jungkook asks.
“Well, not a dress code exactly. Just maybe bring something…nice? Not too fancy but not a hoodie,” Namjoon clarifies.
“Something nice,” Jungkook echoes.
“Mmhm.”
“Okay, I will bring something “nice” then.”
“You look good in anything so don’t worry too much about it,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook smiles down at this lap at the compliment. They talk for a little bit longer, ironing out some last minute details. When they end the call, Jungkook can’t help the wide smile on his face and the excited nerves shooting through him. He gets up to sift through his closet, wondering what Namjoon has planned.
They have to catch a fairly early train Friday morning to make it in time for Namjoon’s first meeting. When his alarm goes off, Jungkook glares at it but then remembers the day he has ahead of him. He smiles to himself and turns off the blaring intrusion. He gets ready quietly, not really wanting to run into Jimin or Taehyung and have to come up with even more stories this early in the morning. He rolls his cherry lip balm, that now reminds him of Namjoon, over his lips. Slinging his bag over his shoulder, he tiptoes down the stairs.
Heading to the kitchen, he grabs a water, some granola bars and an apple. He packs everything away and moves to the front door. Slipping on his shoes, he opens the door and shuts it softly behind him.
He walks to the train station, enjoying the quietness of the early morning. By the time he makes it to the station, the sun has started to peak out, warming his scalp and shoulder soothingly. The thought of seeing Namjoon again has his heart thumping excitedly. He smiles to himself as he listens to the playlist of Namjoon’s song recs. Forever early, he sits down outside on a bench to wait.
Only a couple more songs play before he looks up and see’s Namjoon’s tall figure walking towards him. He grins and pulls his headphones off, standing to greet him. The way Namjoon is illuminated by the rising sun as he walks towards him has Jungkook inhaling sharply. Namjoon smiles and Jungkook feels like his heart might actually be visibly beating under his shirt.
He opens his mouth to say hello but is cut off when Namjoon wraps his arms around his waist. His heart races in surprise and he glances around them and gets it. No one is paying them any mind, all lost in their own thoughts and on their own paths. He relaxes into the embrace and returns it, pulling Namjoon in close with arms around his shoulders.
“Always early,” Namjoon notes affectionately in his ear.
Jungkook laughs softly and pulls away slightly to get another look at Namjoon in the golden sun.
“You look nice,” he murmurs, taking in Namjoon’s styled hair and outfit.
“Yeah? Not too much? I wanted to look decent for the meetings and presentation but I wasn’t sure…”
He trails off when Jungkook starts shaking his head with an endeared smile.
“Not too much. At all.”
“Very handsome,” he adds softly.
He reaches his hand up to gently caress a strand of Namjoon’s hair. Namjoon blushes and sways forward slightly. They watch each other carefully. Jungkook wants to kiss him so badly but knows that would be pushing it. He clears his throat and Namjoon takes a deep breath. They pull apart but not before Namjoon gives his hand a squeeze. Jungkook grins and they start to head into the station.
“Thank you for meeting me here. I know it’s early,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook shrugs.
“I wanted to,” he answers simply.
Namjoon glances over and searches his face, smiling softly when he sees the honesty there. They step up on the platform and wait for their train. When it arrives, Jungkook follows Namjoon on and to seats towards the back. Namjoon motions for him to take the window seat. They stow their bags away and settle in.
It feels nice to be out with Namjoon in public. Feels nice to just be two people out together whose history is unknown by others. Jungkook lets his body relax more, his thigh now touching Namjoon’s. The train only fills up about halfway and then is leaving. Jungkook watches familiar sights fly by as they start to pick up speed. He feels Namjoon’s thigh start to bounce up and down anxiously and looks over at him.
“Are you nervous about the presentation?” he asks gently.
Namjoon blows out a puff of air and laughs self consciously.
“A little bit. Well, maybe more than a little bit. This is just such a big deal and I don’t want to mess anything up.”
Jungkook reaches over to take Namjoon’s hand in his.
“You’ll do great. You’ve always had a great speaking voice. And you know your stuff. You got this,’ he says firmly.
Namjoon lets the encouraging words sink over him, a dimpled smile taking over his face. He brings Jungkook’s hand up and gives a small kiss to the back of it.
“Thank you,” he murmurs.
“I’ll give you another pep talk when we get there,” Jungkook reassures.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Jungkook glances around at the many empty seats around them. Satisfied, he sinks down lower in his seat and rests his head on Namjoon’s shoulder. Good. Everything feels good. They whisper softly during the ride, laughing quietly at each other’s jokes and anecdotes.
Once they start to pull into the city, they both start to look out the window at all the different sights. The train stops and they retrieve their bags and excitedly exit. Namjoon’s company had arranged for early check in at the hotel to allow for employees to drop their stuff off. Namjoon pulls out his phone to double check the address.
“It’s actually not too far from here. We could walk if you’re up for it?” he says.
Jungkook looks up at the clear sky with pretty wisps of clouds. He looks over at the pretty man next to him and smiles.
“That sounds great.”
Namjoon grins and they start off, arms brushing as they walk. Namjoon tells him which trees are in bloom right now, Jungkook already taking his phone out to take pictures. It’s a lovely day with great weather, matching Jungkook’s mood perfectly. They find the hotel easily and make their way up the pretty walkway. Jungkook lets out a low whistle.
“Damn, this place is nice,” he says quietly, looking around the vast lobby when they enter.
Namjoon chuckles softly next to him.
“I thought they had sent me the wrong address when I first opened the email,” he admits.
Jungkook laughs, turning twinkling eyes on Namjoon.
“I’ll go check in. Want to grab coffee?” Namjoon asks, nodding towards an elaborate breakfast bar they can see deeper into the lobby.
Jungkook nods eagerly, already smelling the fresh pastries. He watches Namjoon’s back for a moment and then heads towards the enticing drinks and food. There are to-go boxes piled next to everything. He grabs two, eyes taking in all the colorful fresh fruit, fluffy eggs, and golden pastries. He piles each box with food, carefully picking out what he thinks Namjoon will like. When he’s done with that, he turns to the drink station. He’s making them two americanos when he sees Namjoon heading towards him.
“Okay, all checked in,” he says, glancing around with wide eyes at all the food.
“This has got to be the most amazing breakfast spread I’ve ever seen,” he adds.
“Right?” Jungkook laughs.
He holds the coffee and food out to Namjoon.
“Made you an americano. I wasn’t sure what all you would want but I think I picked stuff you would like.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” Namjoon says but smiles as Jungkook pushes everything into his hands.
“It’s nothing,” Jungkook shrugs.
Before he closes his food box, he spots one especially enticing looking strawberry. He picks it out and helps himself, the sweet juice bursting in his mouth. He closes his eyes and moans softly at the flavor.
“So good,” he murmurs to himself when he’s done.
He opens his eyes and blushes immediately. Namjoon is staring at him, heat in his eyes. His gaze travels to Jungkook’s mouth and Jungkook feels his stomach swoop. He can’t help when he peeks his tongue out to lick across his lips, Namjoon’s eyes following every movement. The tension crackles between them. Jungkook wants to crash his mouth against Namjoon’s. Wants to feed sweet strawberries straight from his mouth to Namjoon’s. Wants to-
Namjoon manages to tear his gaze away and looks down at his feet. He clears his throat, gripping his coffee cup tightly.
“Sorry,” he says through another throat clearing.
Jungkook wills his cheeks to cool off.
“Don’t be,” he whispers.
Namjoon lets out a little overwhelmed laugh and takes a long swig of his coffee. Jungkook giggles and follows when Namjoon motions towards the elevators. They step inside and Namjoon presses the button for the tenth floor once they're both in. Jungkook knows he’s not imagining the charged silence as the elevator takes them up higher and higher. He looks over and Namjoon gives him a pretty smile that makes him want to drop everything he’s carrying and press his lips and body all over the man beside him. The elevator finally beeps open and they step out, heading the way the signs point them.
The halls twist and turn until they finally come up the door to their room. Namjoon holds the key card up and they make their way inside. Jungkook takes a silent deep breath. He’d never thought he’d be staying in a hotel room with Namjoon. Let alone having done the things they’ve already done. And the possibilities of things they might do makes his face heat up. He’s so lost in his thoughts, it takes him a moment to realize how grand the room is.
“Oh my gosh,” Jungkook murmurs in awe when they step deeper inside the room.
The room is spacious, with a small living room space before the bedroom. Ceiling to floor windows take up one side of the room, continuing into the bedroom. He can see a large bed with fluffy pillows and soft, white sheets adorning it from where they are. The city is laid out below them, sunshine pouring in from above them. A large vase of fresh flowers sits on the glass coffee table along with a basket of what looks like gourmet snacks. He turns to Namjoon who’s looking around in just as much awe.
“Are you sure they gave you the right room?” he asks, only half joking.
Namjoon laughs but shakes his head incredulously.
“I knew this place was nice but wow. I had no idea they were putting us up in one of these rooms.”
Jungkook puts his food and coffee on the bar, the luxurious looking bed calling his name. Namjoon walks over to the coffee table, picking up the welcome note the company must have left him. Jungkook walks into the bedroom, dropping his backpack on the long, white bench at the end of the bed. One of the large windows is actually a door that leads outside to a small balcony. He opens the door and steps outside, admiring the view of the busy city below him. When he walks back inside, he leaves the balcony door slightly ajar to let fresh air in. He turns to the pristine bed and runs his fingers over the soft plush of the down comforter. It’s soft and looks so inviting. He can’t wait to crawl under it later.
His back is toward the bedroom doorway so he doesn't see when Namjoon enters, just senses it. He turns back to look at him, hand moving up to press into a thick pillow. Namjoon is watching him, eyes taking in the way Jungkook’s hand squeezes the pillow. The thought that this is the bed they will be sharing tonight enters Jungkook’s mind. A heat spreads through him and he feels his face warm for the thousandth time today. He guesses Namjoon is thinking something similar from the expression on his handsome face.
“It’s pretty in here,” Jungkook murmurs.
“It is,” Namjoon agrees softly.
He comes over to stand on the opposite side of the bed as Jungkook. They watch each other, eyes starting to become dark with want. Namjoon opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted when his phone pings. They both jump slightly at the intrusive sound.
“I’d better check that. It might be one of my coworkers,” Namjoon says regretfully.
Jungkook nods as Namjoon walks back to the living room, leaving Jungkook wondering what he was about to say. He sighs and goes over to his bag, unzipping it and starting to pull things out. Opening the large closet, he pulls out hangers to hang up his outfit for tonight. He starts to wonder again what Namjoon has planned. He lets the soft silk of the shirt for tonight run over his fingers as he hangs it up. He hopes Namjoon likes it.
After he’s unpacked most of his bag and explored the massive marble bathroom, he wanders back into the living room. Namjoon looks up from his phone apologetically.
“Sorry. It did turn out to be one of my coworkers. Last minute changes to the presentation.”
“Don’t be sorry. I understand,” Jungkook smiles.
He glances at the time lit up on Namjoon’s phone.
“Do you need to leave soon?”
Namjoon nods, still apologetic.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” he asks worriedly.
Jungkook looks around.
“With this amazing room, food and nice weather? I mean, I guess I’ll manage,” he shrugs playfully.
Namjoon laughs and nods.
“And we’ll have more time together later today.”
“We’ll have more time together later today,” Namjoon repeats firmly.
And later tonight, Jungkook thinks to himself.
Namjoon chugs some more coffee and then anxiously runs a hand over his hair.
“There’s a nice mirror in the bathroom,” Jungkook says, nodding back to the bedroom.
“Thanks,” Namjoon says, face serious again.
He heads for the bathroom, letting out a low whistle once he sees how nice it is. Jungkook laughs and follows after a moment, leaning on the doorway. Namjoon is looking around with wide eyes.
“I don’t even want to touch anything,” Namjoon laments.
Jungkook giggles and watches as Namjoon judges his reflection in the huge mirror above the sink. Namjoon messes with his already styled hair again, a crease of worry between his brows. He can tell Namjoon is starting to get nervous again. Namjoon sighs and turns to face Jungkook.
“Do I really look okay?” he worries.
Jungkook enters the bathroom and slips in front of Namjoon to stand between him and the counter. He braces his arms on the counter and pulls himself up to sit up on the cool marble. He smiles softly.
“Perfect,” he says.
A look of surprise crosses Namjoon’s face at the answer.
“Come here,” Jungkook murmurs.
Namjoon moves closer, Jungkook opening his legs wider for Namjoon to stand between them. He reaches up to gently smooth out Namjoon’s worried brows with his thumbs, working soothingly over the sensitive skin. He keeps cupping Namjoon’s face gingerly in his hands when he’s done.
“You look very professional. And very attractive. And I know I would listen to anything you had to say,” Junkook reassures.
Namjoon chuckles softly and rests his forehead on Jungkook’s.
“That’s nice to hear.”
“It’s true.”
Namjoon hums, the sound going straight into Jungkook’s bones.
“You did forget to do something today, though,” Jungkook says seriously.
Namjoon pulls away and frowns.
“I did, what?”
Jungkook nods.
“Kiss me,” Jungkook answers simply.
Namjoon throws his head back in an affectionate laugh.
“How could I forget something so important?” he says, returning to eye level with Jungkook.
His palms land on Jungkook’s thighs, the warmth of them zapping right through his pants. Jungkook sighs happily and wraps his arms around Namjoon’s shoulders, pulling him closer. Namjoon leans in, breath ghosting over Jungkook’s lips in a way that makes Jungkook’s mind go blissfully blank. Namjoon teases his mouth, leaving soft kisses over his lips but pulling away before Jungkook can kiss him back. It feels good but it’s not enough.
“More,” he murmurs needily.
Namjoon groans softly and presses his lips fully on Jungkook’s. Their lips melt together immediately, sweet sugar passing from mouth to mouth. Namjoon’s hands slide higher up Jungkook’s thighs, squeezing lightly at the muscle. Jungkook moans softly into their kisses, thighs closing around Namjoon’s hips to pull him even closer. He’ll never get over how soft and amazing Namjoon’s tongue feels in his mouth. He’s starting to get really lost in it when Namjoon pulls away to leave a gentle kiss to his temple.
“I can’t do this right now,” Namjoon says roughly, obviously just as affected as Jungkook.
“I know,” Jungkook replies, making no move to let Namjoon go.
He kisses down the exposed column of Namjoon’s neck, making him sigh shakily.
“I know," he repeats, moving back up to kiss Namjoon’s cheek.
He finally loosens his grip, chewing his lip in a grin at Namjoon’s now rosy and swollen mouth. Namjoon sees where he’s looking and glances in the mirror. He shakes his head and pinches Jungkook’s side playfully, making him squirm away with a laugh.
“It’ll go down by the time I get there,” Namjoon says.
“Is that all that needs to go down?” Jungkook asks innocently, hormones making him bold.
Namjoon groans again, this time in mock annoyance.
“If you’re trying to convince me to ditch work and stay here with you, you’re doing too good of a job.”
Jungkook giggles but takes a calming breath and shakes his head.
“No, you need to go and show everybody how hard you’ve worked.”
Namjoon nods reluctantly, splashing some water on his face while Jungkook jumps down from the counter. He smooths out Namjoon's button up and they walk back out to the living room.
“You’ll do great,” he reassures one more time as Namjoon flings his work bag over his shoulder.
“Thank you,” Namjoon says softly, pulling him in by the waist for one more hug.
Jungkook looks around the quiet room after the door shuts behind him. It really is the nicest hotel he’s ever been in. He flops down in front of the large television in the living room with his food and finally begins to eat. The pastries melt in his mouth and the coffee tastes like an extra nice (expensive) roast. He laughs along to the anime he’s put on, getting lost in the plot and watching more episodes than he means. Glancing at his phone, he sees it’s noon now.
He stands from the couch and stretches, walking over to look outside the large windows. The sunlight streaming in warms his skin and he has the sudden urge to explore outside. Shutting off the television, he grabs his wallet, phone, earbuds and the extra keycard Namjoon had left him on the bar.
He makes his way through the halls, getting lost at the first left he makes.
“What the hell,” he mutters to himself.
After going in what feels like a circle twice, he manages to end up in front of the elevators. He sighs in relief and enters, pressing the button for the lobby. When he steps out, he can see the breakfast buffet is still out. He’s not hungry but remembers the smoothie station he had seen off to the side. He spots it again and makes himself one, adding heaps of fresh strawberries and blueberries.
Stepping out of the hotel into the sunshine feels good. Jungkook walks leisurely down the sidewalk, sipping his smoothie. He pops his earbuds in and listens to Namjoon’s playlist. He comes across a pretty tree with pretty, white blooms. Taking his phone out of his pocket, he snaps a picture to send to Namjoon.
He keeps walking along, people watching everyone he passes. He makes his way to a park after a while, finding a bench and taking a seat. His phone rings with a call from Namjoon.
“Hey, how’s it going so far?” he answers with a smile.
“Good. Really good, actually. People really know us and about the work we’ve done,” Namjoon replies.
“That’s great!”
“I’m still nervous for the presentation this afternoon but if it goes as well as everything has so far, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Jungkook smiles.
“I knew it.”
“Because you’re always right?” Namjoon asks with a laugh.
“Exactly,” Jungkook giggles.
“I was hoping we could have lunch together but I really should stay here and have lunch with everyone else. You know, network as much as I can,” Namjoon says, apologies in his voice.
“It’s okay. I understand,” Jungkook says reassuringly.
“Thank you for being so patient today,” Namjoon says.
“You’re worth it,” Jungkook answers honestly.
He knows his words are referring to more than just today. There’s a silence on the other end of the line as Namjoon takes in his reply. He hears Namjoon exhale deeply.
“I-I don’t feel like I am,” Namjoon mumbles.
“You are to me.”
Another deep exhale.
“You are to me, too.”
The unguarded response takes him by surprise. Are they both not referring to just today anymore? Jungkook’s heart quickens. He wants to ask. Wants to ask so badly. Explain it to me. Explain what is happening between us. I need to hear in your own words what this (I) mean to you. And, like always, this is not the time. He doesn’t feel like piling all that on Namjoon right now. So he just hums acknowledgement of the words into the phone.
“Looking forward to seeing you later,” he murmurs instead.
“Me too.”
He hears some voices on the other end that seem to be talking to Namjoon.
“Sounds like you need to go?” he asks.
“Afraid so,” Namjoon sighs.
“It’s okay. We can talk later. Good luck and remember not to worry too much!” Jungkook says.
Namjoon laughs.
“I’ll try not to. Bye, Kook.”
“Bye,” Jungkook says softly.
The call ends and Jungkook lets his phone fall into his lap. He stares off into space, the people and nature around him becoming second to his own thoughts. He pictures Namjoon. And the way he looks at him. The way he makes him feel. It’s looks and feelings he’s wanted for so long. But they are still stolen looks and feelings. Because this isn’t a legitimate relationship. This is a secret.
Jungkook’s chest suddenly feels heavy and he takes big gulps of air. He needs to calm down. He can’t do this right now. Looking up at the blue sky, he lets his focus stay on the white clouds that pass by. He’s sure he looks odd, sitting on the bench just staring at the sky. But it starts to help and after a couple of moments, he feels his heart slow to normal again. He stands up, determined. He’s not going to let negative emotions fill his mind. Not going to let this trip be ruined.
He walks out of the park and over to the closest restaurant that happens to be a noodle shop. Maybe some warm food will help settle him. He orders and then slides into one of the stools at the long tables facing the windows of the restaurant. He stares out at the people bustling by. His food arrives before too long, the hot broth and noodles actually smelling good. He takes a couple bites, enjoying the comforting feeling of the warm liquid.
He watches as a woman leans on the wall closest to the restaurant. She glances around like she’s looking for someone. Jungkook continues watching as she checks her phone. Someone seems to call out to her because she looks up and a pretty smile breaks across her face. Jungkook follows where her eyes are and sees a man walking up to her. He grins at her and they talk for a moment before he wraps her in an intimate hug. They stay pressed closed together and sway in sync for a bit before they part. Their hands slip into each other’s and they start to walk down the sidewalk.
Watching them brings another wave of emotions crashing down on Jungkook. Jealousy, sadness, guilt and longing all claw their way up his throat. Jealousy at the couple for being able to express their feelings so freely. Sadness that he can’t do that with the person he’s wanted for so long, even though, in some capacity, that person wants him back now. Guilt because the couple reminds him of what Namjoon and Dae are free to do in public, in front of anyone. He’s the one who doesn’t fit into the picture perfect relationship. And longing because, even though he feels on the verge of tears and like he would be perfectly okay with disappearing right now, he just wants Namjoon to hold him. To tell him that, somehow, everything will be okay. He knows it’s a foolish wish.
He tries to take a deep breath and is horrified when a sound close to a quiet sob comes out. He clamps his hand over his mouth and hurriedly makes his way to the back of the restaurant to the bathroom. Luckily, it’s just for one person and he locks the door quickly behind him. He leans his back on the door, finally letting the tears start to fall freely down his face. Why is he doing this? Why is he so emotional all of a sudden?
It’s like all the thoughts and feelings he’s been having over the past years are combining with those of the last few months. And it’s all so much. But does he really have anybody to blame but himself? It’s not like he entered this situation unaware that Namjoon was already taken. No, he was painfully aware. He knew what they were doing. What they are doing.
He could blame Namjoon but that solves nothing for him. Placing all the blame on Namjoon doesn’t bring him any vindication or comfort that maybe he isn’t as much at fault. Maybe it would be easier if it did but it just doesn’t.
The minutes tick by and he’s finally able to peel himself off the door and stand in front of the scratched up mirror. He frowns at his reflection, at his blotchy face and the tear tracks staining his face. He turns on the faucet to dampen a paper towel and gently wipe his face.
He looks at his reflection again and shakes his head at himself. Because even after the scene he’s just made, he knows. Nothing has changed. Because, in Jungkook’s mind, when someone has wanted and loved another for as long as he has, the fear of losing them outweighs anything. Any rationale, any self protection, any self preservation, anything. For Namjoon, he will pretend. Pretend that these issues do not exist and it is just the two of them. They just need the two of them.
He takes a couple more moments to himself before he exits the bathroom. He quickly pays for his half eaten food and leaves the restaurant. He turns his earbuds up and walks slowly down the sidewalk lined with other restaurants and shops. He’s not even sure how long he walks, but his phone pings while he’s looking at a shop window with bright tapestries on display.
Joon: Hey! I’m done for the day and back at the hotel
Jungkook’s spirits perk up at the thought at having Namjoon for the rest of the day.
Jungkook: Be there soon
He smiles when Namjoon sends him a heart and sends one back. He turns around and starts to head back the way he came. Checking the time, he sees it’s later than he thought it was. He’s far away enough from the hotel that it takes him more than twenty minutes but he’s grateful for the time to compose himself.
The hotel comes back into sight and he makes his way up the path to the lobby. Stepping inside, he crosses to the elevators. He gets off on their floor and somehow manages to not get lost again through the maze of hallways once he steps off. Pulling the keycard out of his wallet, he opens the door to their room.
“Hey! Go on an adventure?” Namjoon asks with a smile, standing up from where he was sitting on the couch with a book.
Jungkook stares at Namjoon for a second and then nods. He quickly crosses the room to stand in front of him. He pushes gently at Namjoon’s shoulder so he’ll sit back down. Namjoon tilts his head questioningly but sits down again. Jungkook immediately crawls into his lap, straddling his thighs and wrapping arms around him. He sighs in relief when Namjoon’s hands land on his waist, holding him close and secure.
“Is everything okay?” Namjoon asks softly, voice laced with concern.
“Mmhm.”
“Just missed you,” Jungkook adds, knowing Namjoon will want more reassurance.
Namjoon’s hands move from his waist to his back, gliding up and down it soothingly. His warm palms feel grounding and comforting.
“Missed you, too.”
Namjoon continues the motions, the two of them quiet.
“Anything else?” he asks gently after a couple moments.
Yes. Yes, but Jungkook refuses to have this moment ruined. Instead he pulls his face away from its spot in the crook of Namjoon’s neck. He cards fingers through Namjoon’s hair.
“No.”
Namjoon’s eyes pierce through him and watch him intently. Like maybe he knows. But Jungkook has already made up his mind. He doesn’t want to think or talk about heavy things right now.
“How did the presentation go?” he remembers, jumping to provide a distraction.
Namjoon’s face breaks into a smile.
“It went great. Better than I could have hoped. We hit all the topics we wanted and I’m pretty sure we convinced other companies to provide more funding for future research.”
Jungkook grins.
“That’s so good to hear. What a big relief, huh?”
“Huge,” Namjoon agrees.
“And I’m pretty sure it was all thanks to your pep talks,” he smiles.
Jungkook nods seriously.
“That’s what I was thinking.”
Namjoon barks out a laugh that makes Jungkook giggle.
“Really though, thanks for being so supportive,” Namjoon says, hands stilling on Jungkook’s hips.
“Of course,” Jungkook replies softly.
He glances down at Namjoon's mouth. His lips suddenly look insanely enticing. Namjoon watches as he leans closer, breath ghosting over him.
“Kiss me,” Namjoon murmurs.
Heat starts to trickle down Jungkook’s spine. He closes the small space between them, sighing happily when his mouth lands on Namjoon’s. Namjoon kisses him slowly and gently and it has Jungkook’s heart flooding with happy contentment. He holds onto Namjoon tighter. It feels so good, like Namjoon is taking care of him.
A small whimper leaves him when he feels Namjoon’s silky tongue press into his mouth. Heat travels between them and they start to kiss each other more insistently. Jungkook’s hand travels to Namjoon’s nape, fingers tangling in his hair. He pulls gently and Namjoon groans softly.
“Oh!” Jungkook lets out in surprise when Namjoon’s arms completely circle his waist and carefully maneuver him.
Namjoon twists him around and down until his back meets the cushions, head resting on the couch arm. The heat pumping through him intensifies at his body being moved so easily. He pulls Namjoon down over him, needing Namjoon’s lips on him again. They lick and kiss into each other’s mouths, both of their breaths coming out heavy and overwhelmed.
Jungkook’s fingertips press harder into Namjoon’s shoulder when Namjoon moves down to his neck. He grazes his teeth along the pulse point there. Jungkook’s head falls back and he stares up at the ceiling with glazed over eyes.
“Yes,” he pants when Namjoon licks across his hot skin.
His fingers tangle in Namjoon’s hair again, holding him there as he works.
“Fuck. I know I said I had an evening planned but now I’m having second thoughts. Staying right here sounds perfect,” Namjoon sighs into his neck.
Jungkook laughs breathlessly. He brings Namjoon’s face back up to look at him.
“But I was promised a surprise.”
“Mmm. And I can still surprise you in other ways,” Namjoon says deeply, accentuating his point with a kitten lick to Jungkook’s lower lip.
Jungkook moans and leans up for more kisses that Namjoon eagerly gives him.
“Even though you make a good argument, I still want to go,” Jungkook pants out.
He doesn’t want to miss the chance at having a “normal” date with Namjoon. A date with the possibility of hand holding and kissing in public. A date where he doesn’t have to overthink his every public move. Namjoon leans up to look into his eyes and smiles.
“Okay, we’ll still go.”
He presses soft kisses all over Jungkook’s face that tickle and make him laugh but then moves to whisper in Jungkook’s ear.
“I want to continue this later, though,” he murmurs with a final kiss to Jungkook’s neck.
The words and kiss send a strong shiver down Jungkook’s spine. He nods, entranced.
“I- Me too. Really…a lot,” Jungkook says, struggling to piece together a coherent sentence.
Namjoon grins and then sits up, leaving Jungkook’s body feeling unceremoniously bare of him. He pouts, making Namjoon laugh.
“We need to get ready if we’re gonna go, don’t we?” Namjoon asks playfully.
“Y-yeah.”
Jungkook manages to make himself sit up.
“You can shower first,” he says.
“You sure?”
Jungkook nods and Namjoon stands with a smile. He looks down at Jungkook still sitting and chews his lip. He reaches out to gently caress Jungkook’s cheek. Jungkook can’t help the flutter of his lashes at the touch. He tilts his head slightly and leaves a kiss on Namjoon’s palm. Namjoon’s eyes soak him in, make him feel like he’s being wrung out in ways that his mind has trouble comprehending.
They finally manage to tear their eyes away from each other and Namjoon heads to the bedroom. Jungkook falls back onto the couch, hands flying up to feel the heat in his face. He grins at the ceiling, staying in his Namjoon daze for a while.
By the time he hears the shower turn off, he’s scrolling on his phone, not really retaining any of the posts he’s seeing. His mind is way too preoccupied with the fact that Namjoon is naked in such close proximity to him, with their date, and with what they might do after said date.
“I’m done,” Namjoon calls out from the open bedroom door.
Jungkook clicks his phone shut and pushes himself up from the couch. He stretches his muscles and walks into the bedroom. His eyes widen and he feels the heat from earlier rekindle almost instantaneously.
Namjoon is standing by the bed, skin dewy with moisture droplets trailing down his pretty skin. He just has a towel wrapped low around his waist and his hair is still damp. He looks up from his bag that he was rummaging around in.
“Hey, you-” he cuts off when he sees Jungkook staring at him.
Jungkook gulps.
“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he breathes out.
Namjoon’s eyes widen in surprise and a red tinge spreads across his cheeks along with a shy grin.
“I want…” Jungkook trails off.
“You want…?” Namjoon prompts softly.
Everything. He always wants everything Namjoon will give him. He shakes his head to try and clear it.
“I’ll tell you later what I want,” Jungkook says quietly, heatedly.
He sees Namjoon’s Adam's apple bob as he swallows.
“Okay,” he nods.
He eventually makes himself tear his gaze away from Namjoon and walk into the bathroom. He’d already brought his toiletry bag in earlier so he has everything he needs. Taking a deep breath, he pulls his shirt off over his head and glances in the mirror. His chest and neck have a rosy flush to them from all the lust filled endorphins. He touches his neck gently, remembering the sensation of Namjoon’s lips there. He shivers. Turning towards the shower, he turns it on and steps out of his jeans and underwear and into the hot water.
He takes a long time to get ready, the entire bathroom steamed up by the time he opens the door again. Namjoon isn’t in the bedroom and Jungkook is slightly disappointed. He walks over to the closet. He drops his towel to pull on new underwear and the tight, black pants he carefully picked out. He knows they cling to his thigh muscles and doesn’t usually wear them but tonight, he wants that attention. He takes the silk shirt off the hanger and slips his arms into it, liking the way the cool fabric feels on his bare skin. It’s a deep blue color that he thinks Namjoon will like.
“That’s pretty,” Namjoon says softly somewhere behind him.
Jungkook whips around and holds his hand to his heart.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you!”
“N-no, it’s okay. I just didn’t realize you were there.”
Namjoon is leaning on the door frame to the bedroom, gazing at Jungkook. Jungkook's heart slows down but then picks right back when he gets a closer look at Namjoon. He’s wearing black pants too, fitted nicely over his thighs. Tucked into them is a tight, black turtleneck that shows off his wide chest with a black belt to tie it all together.
“You look…wow,” Jungkook says dumbly.
Namjoon rubs the back of his neck and looks down at the floor with a shy, dimpled grin.
“I just thought- well, I wanted to look - umm, to look good for you,” Namjoon mumbles out.
Jungkook lets the words sink in. Namjoon wanted to look good for him ? Like he doesn’t always think Namjoon is the most stunning person in the room.
“For me?” Jungkook double checks.
Namjoon shrugs but he’s blushing.
“For you.”
Jungkook gulps.
“That’s…I like that,” he admits.
“Yeah?” Namjoon asks with a laugh, eyes traveling back up.
This time his eyes linger over Jungkook’s chest and then roam over his entire body.
“Gorgeous,” he murmurs.
Jungkook immediately preens at the word.
“I - umm, thought this color was pretty,” he says.
Namjoon nods in agreement and walks deeper into the bedroom. He stands in front of Jungkook and looks down between them. He gently takes Jungkook’s bicep, hand smoothing over the slippery fabric. Jungkook shivers, his body always happy at receiving even the slightest touches from Namjoon.
“Can I?” Namjoon asks, motioning to the buttons on the shirt.
It takes Jungkook a second to realize what he’s asking but then he nods. Namjoon’s hands come up to slowly start to button Jungkook’s shirt. His fingertips graze warm skin and Jungkook can’t help it when his breath hitches. Namjoon works carefully, Jungkook watching his pretty hands. When he feels fingers brush over his abs, Jungkook bites his tongue to keep in a whimper.
“There. Perfect,” Namjoon says once he’s done with the last button.
Jungkook feels a bit hazy but nods and looks up into Namjoon’s eyes. He swallows hard.
“Thank you.”
Namjoon smiles and takes a step back to assess. The undivided attention makes him feel warm, even under the thin shirt. He clears his throat to try and ground himself.
“I’m almost ready.”
“Take all the time you need,” Namjoon assures.
Jungkook nods and heads towards the bathroom again. As needy as it feels, he doesn’t want to let Namjoon out of his sight. He bites back a smile when Namjoon follows, leaning against the bathroom doorway as Jungkook starts to distractedly fish through his toiletry bag. He smiles shyly at Namjoon in the mirror and then looks at his own reflection. The deep blue really is a nice color on him, bringing out the chocolate of his eyes nicely.
He finds his cherry lip balm and brings it up to spread over his lips. Glancing back over at Namjoon, he sees him watching the movements closely. Turning around, he looks at Namjoon and holds out the balm tube between them. Namjoon looks questioningly at him but then gets it. He walks further into the bathroom, stopping in front of Jungkook and taking the tube.
Jungkook does what he did earlier, bracing his arms on the counter and pulling himself up to sit. Namjoon positions himself between his legs, leaning in closely. He looks down at Jungkook’s mouth and brings the tube up, starting to carefully coat his lips.
“Is this why you always taste so good?” Namjoon murmurs into the small space between them.
Jungkook tries not to smile too wide and mess Namjoon up but he can’t help it.
“You think I taste good?” he asks.
“Yeah. All of you.”
Jungkook’s belly swoops.
“Taste me,” he whispers.
Namjoon’s breath hitches and his eyes travel over Jungkook’s face before he leans in. His lips land sweetly on Jungkook’s, the soft feeling sending sugary shards of affection throughout Jungkook’s body. His legs tighten around Namjoon’s hips as the kiss deepens.
“So good,” Namjoon breathes out when they finally part for air.
He glances down at Jungkook’s lips and chuckles softly. He reaches up and gently tries to fix the small mess they just made.
“Let’s try this again,” he says, lifting the lip balm up again.
Jungkook giggles and holds still while Namjoon reapplies.
“Anything else?” he asks once he’s done.
Jungkook glances down at his bag and reaches over to rifle through it again. A small eyeliner pencil that he’d forgotten about slips out onto the counter. Namjoon picks it up and looks at it. Jungkook hadn’t worn it in ages but does like the way the dark kohl looks around his eyes when he feels like it.
“I didn’t even realize that was in there,” he says.
“Want some?” Namjoon asks, still looking at the pencil.
Jungkook tries to think back if Namjoon’s ever seen him in liner. He’s not sure but he doesn’t think so and he wants him to. Wants Namjoon to see him at his prettiest. Sexiest.
“Okay,” he agrees.
Namjoon smiles but then falters.
“I’ve never used eyeliner before.”
“It’s okay. Just follow the shape of my eye lightly,” Jungkook directs with a smile.
Namjoon nods.
“Tell me if it’s uncomfortable, okay?”
“I will.”
He closes his eyes and Namjoon gently takes his chin in one hand, the other going up to his eye. Jungkook stills and feels the very slight sharpness of the pencil touch him, Namjoon slowly gliding it across his lash line. He lets out a sigh of relief when he’s done with both eyes, setting the pencil to the side.
“You can smudge it out with your finger a little,” Jungkook says, remembering he liked the diffused look better than just a sharp line of black.
“Okay. Close for me,” Namjoon says, voice soft with concentration.
Jungkook closes his eyes again, feeling the soft pads of Namjoon’s fingers press the slightest bit at his eyes.
“Open,” Namjoon says after a couple moments.
Jungkook blinks his eyes open.
“Look okay?” he asks.
Namjoon stares at him.
“It looks…you look…beautiful.”
Jungkook’s eyes widen and he blushes. The word washes over him, compliments he’s wanted to hear from only one person for so long.
“Really?”
“Really,” Namjoon reaffirms, tracing Jungkook’s jawline.
They gaze at each other for a couple moments and then manage to shake themselves out of it.
“Okay, I’m ready then,” Jungkook says.
He jumps down from the counter and starts to follow Namjoon out of the bathroom. He glances at his reflection in the mirror before he leaves. The dark kohl around his eyes makes them stand out, cherry tint on his lips making them shiny. He does look pretty. Exactly like he would want to look on a date with Namjoon. He smiles to himself as he exits the bathroom.
Namjoon slips his wallet into his pocket and grins when he enters the living room.
“All set?”
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going or is it still a surprise?” Jungkook asks playfully as they head out of their room.
“Still a surprise,” Namjoon says nonchalantly.
Jungkook laughs as they walk down the hall to the elevators, making Namjoon laugh too as he tells him about getting lost through the maze halls earlier. When they reach the lobby, Jungkook looks over at Namjoon.
“Do we need to get a car or…”
Namjoon glances outside the hotel lobby windows.
“It’s still nice out. Want to walk again?”
“Sure,” Jungkook agrees.
Outside, the air has cooled down a bit but it just feels refreshing. They make their way down the sidewalk, walking at a leisurely pace. It feels so nice to be out with Namjoon like this, no time constraints, no others to worry about.
Jungkook realizes he doesn’t know where he’s going and glances around. Namjoon sees and laughs. He reaches over and takes Jungkook’s hand in his, tangling their fingers together. Jungkook’s heart jumps in surprise. He looks over at Namjoon who gives him a dimpled smile. He can’t help the happy grin he gives back and looks down at their intertwined hands. It feels like being a real couple. One that doesn’t have to hide.
They walk and talk, hands gently swaying together. Everything feels right. Namjoon’s hand in his. Namjoon being just his in this moment.
“I think we’re almost there,” Namjoon says, glancing at a street sign.
Jungkook looks around, still in the dark about their destination. They walk just a bit further, Namjoon stopping in front of a tall building. Jungkook looks at the marquee.
“We’re going to a movie?” he asks, looking at the theater sign again.
“Mm, not exactly,” Namjoon replies.
Jungkook shakes his head in confusion, making Namjoon chuckle.
“Let me show you,” Namjoon says.
He pulls open the door to the theater and Jungkook follows. Namjoon leads them right by the ticket kiosk and to an elevator. Jungkook is still confused but decides to just go with it as Namjoon presses the button for the eighth floor.
When the doors open, Jungkook expects to see a plain floor leading off to different screening spaces. Instead, when the elevator doors open, he’s met with fresh air again. Namjoon steps out and looks back to grin at Jungkook’s surprised expression.
“What-?” Jungkook cuts himself off when he steps out and sees where they are.
They are obviously on the top floor of the building, dusky sky above them. There’s a large, wooden deck with a title pathway circling it. And all over the deck and throughout the pathway are tall planters filled with roses. The lowering sun is helped by tall light structures giving off a warm glow. The sweet scent of the roses fills Jungkook’s nose as he takes it all in.
“Do you like it?” Namjoon asks, a nervous edge to his voice.
“H-how- why is this on top of a movie theater?” Jungkook blurts out.
Namjoon just laughs and shrugs.
“Something nice to see while you wait for your movie, I guess.”
Jungkook walks over to the ledge and looks out at the sparkling city beneath them, glittering lights starting to pop up as the night begins. He looks back at the pretty flowers, the juxtaposition of nature in the manmade city making him feel like he’s in on a special secret.
“It’s so… so pretty. I love it,” he finally answers softly.
Namjoon smiles in relief.
“I was hoping you would. I mean, I thought you would but I wasn’t sure.”
“How did you even find out about this place?” Jungkook asks, moving in for a closer look at the pretty petals next to him.
“We were talking at work about being in this part of the city and a co-worker mentioned it.”
Jungkook nods and reaches out to gently feel the softness of the petals.
“They’re so perfect,” he whispers, almost to himself.
“Mother Nature tends to know what she’s doing,” Namjoon agrees, leaning in for a closer look himself.
There are mostly white and pink blooms but some yellow peeks out throughout the planters.
“Which color is your favorite?” Namjoon asks.
Jungkook ponders for a moment.
“The white ones, I think.”
“Mine too. I read that white symbolizes purity, simplicity, perfection. And new beginnings,” Namjoon murmurs, adding the last part with a thoughtful crease between his brows.
Jungkook watches him, trying to read his facial expression. Something about the way he said the last two words makes Jungkook wonder what exactly he’s thinking about. Namjoon clears his throat and looks back up at Jungkook. He smiles and holds his hand out.
“Shall we walk?” he asks, nodding towards the tile pathway.
Jungkook nods and takes his hand, easily letting the words go to the back of his mind. They start on the path, still holding hands.
Jungkook sighs happily. Being in such a pretty space with Namjoon feels rewarding. Like his inner turmoils of today were worth it to have this time with just the two of them.
“Tell me more about what you did today,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook feels his shoulders tighten and he tries to relax them.
“Oh, umm. Just walked around some. Went to a park. Not much.”
“You spent all day at the park?”
“Not all day. I also went to a restaurant for a little bit,” Jungkook answers carefully, wishing for a change in subject.
“Really, nothing much to report. Oh, I did see this pretty tree,” Jungkook adds, pulling out his phone.
He’s grateful for a distraction, swiping to the photo he had forgotten to send Namjoon earlier. Namjoon leans in for a better look and his eyes light up and he starts talking about what type of tree it is and other random facts about it. Jungkook relaxes again, listening to Namjoon talk with a smile on his face.
“I thought you would like it,” Jungkook says.
“Of course. I like you showing me pretty things,” Namjoon replies, looking over at him with shining eyes that Jungkook wants to fall into. Already has.
“I’ll keep showing you pretty things, then,” Jungkook murmurs.
Namjoon’s gaze is heavy on him when he nods. There are a lot of things he wants to show Namjoon, some of them ones that make his cheeks heat up. They stare at each other until someone's voice from one of the tables on the deck floats over to them, breaking the bubble.
“I’m glad your work stuff went so well today,” Jungkook says after a moment.
Namjoon’s dimples appear again.
“Thanks. It’s such a relief to be done with worrying about it. It was nice thinking all day about seeing you after I was done, too.”
Jungkook chews on his lip to try and contain a big grin.
“You thought about me all day?” he asks, trying to make it sound playful even though part of him is serious.
Namjoon looks down at the city below them for a moment and then back at him.
“Yeah, I really did,” he answers, honesty painted all over his face.
Jungkook swallows and his own feelings pump strongly through him. Namjoon looks away, like he just shared a secret with Jungkook, but gives his hand a squeeze. They continue on the path, reaching the end of the loop before Jungkook knows it.
“Oh, I should have asked if you’re hungry. They don’t really have food here but there’s a cafe with drinks,” Namjoon says.
“It’s okay, I’m not really hungry. Let’s get a drink, though,” Jungkook says, eyeing the bar area.
Namjoon laughs and lets himself be pulled towards the bar. They order two whiskey sours, Namjoon taking out his wallet to pay. Jungkook shakes his head, trying to hand over his card first.
“You don’t need to-”
“I want to. Please,” Jungkook pouts.
Namjoon chuckles and puts his wallet away. Jungkook smiles triumphantly and pays for the drinks. Once their drinks are ready, they take them and glance around for a place to sit.
“Over there?” Namjoon asks, motioning with his chin.
Jungkook looks over to the small table, set a bit apart from the rest. It’s closer to the far side of the path, more private. Jungkook nods and lets Namjoon lead them to the table. He gazes appreciatively again at the pretty flowers around them as they sit. He smiles when he sees Namjoon looking at him.
“It’s just so nice here,” he says.
“I’m glad you like it,” Namjoon grins.
“Still can’t believe it’s on top of a movie theater.”
Namjoon throws his head back in a laugh and Jungkook watches him happily, taking a sip of his drink. The alcohol hits his taste buds and the bitter flavor is nice. A slight breeze sends a wave of rose scent over them and everything feels too good.
“I’m sorry we couldn’t spend more of the day together,” Namjoon says.
“It’s okay. We’re together now,” Jungkook smiles.
Namjoon hums and brings his glass up to his lips to take a drink. He looks out at the city below them, a thoughtful expression on his face when he puts his glass down. Jungkook admires his side profile, feeling like he’ll never tire of admiring Namjoon’s handsomeness.
“Tell me about your life these days,” Namjoon says.
“My life?”
“Yeah, work, shows, music. Anything,” Namjoon smiles at him.
Jungkook’s insides flutter, happy with Namjoon’s undivided attention and interest in him. He starts talking and can’t seem to stop, wanting to share everything with Namjoon. Namjoon listens to every word, laughing at the funny anecdotes and nodding thoughtfully as Jungkook describes the complex web of emotions people their age face. He offers up small pieces of encouragement and wisdom in ways only Namjoon can. Jungkook eventually notices they’ve been talking so much, it’s now well into the night and he still has a lot of drink left.
“Oh, I finished reading our book. I’d been meaning to tell you,” Namjoon says, gaze settling on Jungkook.
“Me too,” Jungkook nods.
Namjoon leans closer, ready to listen.
“So, final thoughts?” he asks.
Jungkook sips slowly from his drink and thinks for a moment.
“I still think the same things we talked about earlier. Interesting, and sometimes good, ideas about love that definitely don’t apply to everyone.”
“I agree,” Namjoon replies.
“To master the art of loving, one needs “discipline, concentration and patience,” Jungkook quotes.
“Hmm, characteristics that not everyone has,” Namjoon says thoughtfully.
“That’s what I thought when I read it. Part of me wonders why love needs to be made so complicated. And the other part of me completely agrees that it’s insanely complicated,” Jungkook says, a little nervous at the truthfulness in his words.
“Mmhm. No one right, universal answer, is there?” Namjoon murmurs.
Namjoon’s eyes travel over the ledge again and he takes a long sip. He takes a deep breath.
“Have you ever been in love?” he asks quietly, pretty eyes searching Jungkook’s face.
Jungkook’s heart feels like it stops for a moment. And in that moment, he knows he can’t lie. Doesn’t want to. He chews on his lip and looks down into his drink, amber liquid swirling around.
“Yes,” he answers simply, taking a breath and then looking up into Namjoon’s eyes again.
Namjoon’s eyes feel like they're piercing him, cutting him open and healing him shut at the same time. Does he understand? That Jungkook’s love is for him? He waits for Namjoon to say something.
After another beat, Namjoon nods. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. He clears his throat and tries again.
“Feels nice, doesn’t it?” he murmurs.
“What?”
“Being in love? Feels nice. Even when it’s complicated.”
Jungkook sucks in a breath.
“Yes,” he repeats, other words escaping his mind.
“To be loved, and to love, needs courage,” Namjoon says quietly, almost as if to himself.
Jungkook recognizes the words as a passage from the book. He remembers taking a moment to let the statement ruminate in his mind when he read it. Courage. Something he’s not sure he has even though he wants it. Wants it so bad so he can just tell Namjoon all that’s in his heart and mind.
Namjoon licks his lips and looks down into his own drink, contemplating whatever thoughts are taking over. Jungkook doesn’t know what to say. Is this it? Is this his opening to tell Namjoon? He chews his lip nervously, watching Namjoon and thinking. He swallows and sits up straighter, more determined. He can do this. The words are on the tip of his tongue, ready to finally be spoken. He opens his mouth.
“Well, I’m going to get another drink. Do you want one?” Namjoon asks.
He stands up and looks down expectantly at Jungkook for an answer. Jungkook blinks in surprise, yanked out of his fleeting moment of bravery. He feels his heart start to settle, disappointment tingeing the corners of his body.
“S-sure,” he murmurs.
Namjoon nods, saying that he’ll be right back. Jungkook sits still and silent, his thoughts racing with what just happened. What they both said and what they didn’t. The heaviness of important unspoken feelings between them. What does Namjoon think about the conversation that just took place? He looks over to where Namjoon is waiting for their drinks. He’s looking out at the city again, that worry crease back between his brows. He must feel eyes on him because he glances over at Jungkook. The crease disappears immediately and he smiles warmly, making some of the uneasiness Jungkook’s feeling disappear.
Namjoon gets their drinks and makes his way back over. He pushes one towards Jungkook as he sits.
“Thank you,” Jungkook says.
He takes the drink and immediately downs half of it. Namjoon looks on and laughs, eyes widening in surprise. The warmth of the alcohol feels good and the uneasiness starts to slip away even more. He looks around and his eyes settle on the corner of the rooftop. He stands with his drink in one hand, holding out his other to Namjoon. Namjoon looks up at him questioningly.
“Come with me?” he asks.
Namjoon nods without hesitation, taking Jungkook’s hand and standing back up with his drink. Jungkook leads them to the secluded corner. He turns around, taking careful steps back until his back hits the rails of the ledge. He doesn’t let go of Namjoon, pulling him into his space. Namjoon’s eyes gaze into his, their close proximity making Jungkook’s body buzz happily. He looks over the rail behind him and down at the city.
“The city looks pretty from up here,” he says when he turns back around.
Namjoon hums but his focus is completely on Jungkook. Jungkook brings his drink to his lips, Namjoon watching as he sips.
“Can I take a picture of you?” he asks.
“A picture?” Namjoon laughs, caught off guard.
“Yeah. I want to remember how you look tonight.”
His hand lets go of Namjoon’s, moving up to splay it over his chest. He feels the comforting beat of his heart.
“Want a picture of you looking good for me,” he whispers.
Namjoon’s breath hitches.
“Okay,” he whispers back.
Jungkook finishes the last of his drink and sets the empty glass on the ledge. He takes Namjoon’s waist and gently switches their positions. Now Namjoon is the one with the pretty city acting as a backdrop. The view makes Jungkook smile and he takes out his phone.
Namjoon looks around shyly, making Jungkook bite his lip in a smile. Namjoon leans back against the rail and looks at Jungkook intently, not the camera. Jungkook snaps a picture. Those eyes. He needs to have those eyes ingrained forever in his mind. He takes a step back, widening the frame of his camera so more roses come into view. Now his screen is full of flowers on either side of Namjoon, his all black outfit making him stand out.
“Pretty,” he murmurs reverently.
Namjoon laughs and rubs the back of his neck.
“I don’t think anyone’s taken my picture in a while,” he says.
“In that case, one more,” Jungkook replies.
Namjoon laughs again, Jungkook capturing his dimples. Jungkook swipes through the photos and smiles softly at Namjoon’s different expressions. He looks back up into Namjoon’s eyes that are glued to him. Namjoon takes out his own phone and holds it up questioningly. Jungkook nods shyly. Namjoon smiles with relief and snaps a picture of him. Smiles wider when he checks the picture he just took. He looks back up at Jungkook and hums in appreciation. Jungkook watches as he slowly raises his glass to his lips. Watches the way his throat moves as he swallows down the liquid. Jungkook licks his lips.
“Can I taste?” he asks softly.
Namjoon holds the glass out to him but he shakes his head.
“Not like that.”
Namjoon looks at the glass and then back at Jungkook. Then a look of understanding crosses his face and he nods. Jungkook takes a step closer and then another until he’s in Namjoon’s space. His eyes travel down to Namjoon’s mouth and his own waters.
Leaning up, he gently licks across the seam of Namjoon’s lips. He can faintly taste the alcohol still present. He pulls aways slightly to watch Namjoon’s reaction. Watches Namjoon swallow again, a blush creeping over his cheeks.
One of Namjoon’s hands falls to Jungkook’s waist. Tightens when Jungkook leans in again. Namjoon finishes the last of his drink and looks at Jungkook, waiting. Jungkook licks a slow path over Namjoon’s lips again, getting a stronger taste of alcohol this time. It tastes even better coming from Namjoon’s mouth. He moves closer into him, wanting Namjoon’s body warmth to be his.
He tries not to whimper when Namjoon’s tongue peeks out to meet his. A shiver of excitement runs through his body. He’s kissing Namjoon in public and Namjoon is kissing him back. There’s nothing to worry about. They can do this and be carefree. He sighs happily and deepens the kiss.
Kissing Namjoon always makes his mind go hazy embarrassingly quickly. He reaches up to grip Namjoon’s bicep and can’t help but moan softly when Namjoon swirls his tongue. They part for air and Jungkook glances around, wondering if his moan was audible to anyone. Namjoon laughs softly and gives his waist a squeeze.
“Don’t worry. Just us,” Namjoon reassures.
Jungkook smiles and rests his forehead on Namjoon’s. They stare heatedly at each other. Jungkook wants Namjoon so bad it almost hurts him. Feels like he has the want coursing through his blood, making him breathless. This is all he wants. He’s gotten his public time with Namjoon. Now he wants his private time. He moves to whisper in Namjoon’s ear.
“Want more.”
Namjoon inhales sharply. He presses his cheek to Jungkook’s to whisper back.
“Want to give you more.”
Jungkook can practically feel his eyes glaze over. He takes a step back and starts pulling Namjoon back towards the elevator, making him laugh. They drop their glasses off as they pass by, Jungkook still leading the way. They make it down to the theater lobby and outside again.
Namjoon looks over at him and Jungkook knows. Knows that they both want to enter that special space that is just reserved for the two of them. That space they entered back in Namjoon’s office. They start down the sidewalk, an air of needing to get back to the hotel room making them walk briskly. It all feels like so much. Physically wanting someone so much and knowing that in a short period of time, they can be yours.
They walk for a bit and then Jungkook looks over at Namjoon, his eyes immediately falling to his lips. And he just stares. Can’t help it. His gaze finally travels back to Namjoon’s eyes and Jungkook licks across his own lips. Namjoon sees and bites his lip, jaw tightening.
“Want you,” Jungkook breathes out.
Namjoon’s pupils dilate.
“Fuck,” he mutters.
He glances around, his eyes landing a couple paces ahead of them. Jungkook follows the path his eyes take. He looks back at Namjoon and nods.
Namjoon pulls him into the small patio of an office building that looks to be closed for the day. The patio is mostly hidden away by a circle of trees around it. It’s dark and quiet except for their breathing. Jungkook’s heart pounds in his chest as he looks around and then back at Namjoon. They take each other in and then their lips are crashing together.
Jungkook can’t stop the moan that travels from his mouth to Namjoon’s. Their kissing and now heavy breathing fill up the space. Jungkook circles his arms around Namjoon’s neck and pulls him in closer, deepening the kiss.
He knows he’s never experienced anything like this. Needing someone so bad, not another minute being able to pass without touching that person. Namjoon holds his waist tightly and Jungkook only wants it tighter. The heat they are creating between them just feels so good. Jungkook knows he will never have enough. Never tire of feeling Namjoon like this. There are permanent embers in his heart that will never be stomped out.
He’s not even thinking, just knows that Namjoon will have him, when he jumps up and wraps his legs around Namjoon’s waist. Namjoon takes a step back in surprise but then immediately holds Jungkook close and secure, laughing softly into the microscopic space between them. Jungkook knows he’s not light and feeling so safe in Namjoon’s arms sends a happy shiver down his spine. Jungkook tucks his face into Namjoon’s neck and peppers kisses there, making Namjoon hum happily.
Namjoon’s grip on him intensifies when Jungkook licks a stripe down the column of his neck. He moves back to Namjoon’s lips, licking there too. Namjoon curses softly and peeks his tongue out to meet Jungkook’s. Jungkook presses his thighs tighter around Namjoon’s waist, whimpering when Namjoon’s hands come down to grip his ass through his pants.
“Would it be weird if I just carry you like this all the way back to the hotel?” Namjoon asks.
Jungkook’s head falls back in a laugh.
“I mean, I wouldn’t be complaining.”
He pretends to think for a second.
“Although, neither of us would be able to see where we’re going. What if we fall?”
Namjoon looks into Jungkook’s eyes.
“Then we fall,” he says softly.
The words feel like they are heavy with meaning. Jungkook nods with wide eyes and presses a gentle kiss to Namjoon’s lips. He adjusts his legs a little, making his crotch press harder against Namjoon. They moan in unison.
“I want to run back to the hotel, at this point,” Jungkook mutters.
“Me too. Should we?”
Jungkook looks at Namjoon quizzically but it just makes Namjoon laugh. He gives Jungkook one more head spinning kiss before he carefully puts him down. He takes Jungkook’s hand and starts to jog out of the patio.
“Wait, seriously?” Jungkook giggles, picking up his pace to meet Namjoon’s.
Namjoon turns back to look at him with a dimpled smile.
“Why not?”
Jungkook shrugs with a smile of his own. And then starts to run too.
It feels totally random but completely freeing to run down the sidewalk, Namjoon’s hand still in his and their laughs filling his ears. They might get a couple of looks but Jungkook couldn’t care less. They’re getting close to the hotel when Jungkook lets go of Namjoon’s hand and pulls ahead.
“Oh?” Namjoon exclaims.
Jungkook grins and looks back playfully at Namjoon.
“Can’t keep up?” he teases.
Namjoon’s eyes widen in surprise but then look determined. He picks up his own speed and they flat out race to the front of the hotel. Jungkook finishes one step ahead of Namjoon. He whirls around and beams at him.
“I win,” he announces.
“Yeah?” Namjoon says with a chuckle.
They don’t have any time to catch their breath before Namjoon walks into the lobby and heads towards the elevators. Jungkook follows, feeling flushed. They enter and the doors slide shut behind them. They’re both still panting from the run, chests heaving. They don’t say anything but look over at each other, adrenaline pumping through them and into the small space. One second they are standing apart and the next, they are on each other.
Namjoon presses Jungkook into the corner of the elevator, mouths colliding. Jungkook’s hands tangle in Namjoon’s hair and he feels their chests pounding together. It’s intoxicating, feeling like this. Endorphins, lust, adrenaline, and want all mixing together and creating something that makes Jungkook feel like his heart is so full it could burst. He wants Namjoon to take him apart completely and put him back together.
The elevator beeps as it passes floor after floor, Jungkook feeling unable to pull himself away from Namjoon. They’re still pressed together when the doors slowly open to their floor. Luckily, nobody is waiting although Jungkook doesn’t know if he has it in him to care.
They stumble out, lips swollen and hair mussed. It’s so hot and sends a sweet hunger through Jungkook. Somehow, they manage to find their room. Jungkook giggles when Namjoon drops the keycard twice, cursing at himself.
Namjoon finally manages to get the door open but it’s slammed shut immediately as they enter. Jungkook presses his back to the door, pulling Namjoon into his space and kissing him. Namjoon kisses him back hard and Jungkook wants it to bruise. He doesn’t know what’s come over him but his need is raw and unrestrained. Absolutely needs everything Namjoon can give him. He breaks the kiss and looks into Namjoon’s eyes.
“I-I want…the o-other way tonight,” he stumbles out breathlessly.
Namjoon looks into his eyes questioningly.
“The other way… oh. You want me…”
“Want you to fuck me,” Jungkook whispers.
Namjoon’s pupils somehow dilate even more and he groans deep in his chest.
“A-are you sure?”
Jungkook nods, pulling Namjoon in close again and kissing his neck.
“Completely,” he whispers into his ear.
He feels Namjoon swallow. He moves away from the door, starting to slowly walk backwards toward the bedroom. He takes both of Namjoon’s hands in his, leading them.
Once they enter the bedroom, Jungkook walks a few more steps until he feels the bed hit the back of his knees. He sits and looks up at Namjoon.
Namjoon looks down at him in a way that Jungkook knows nobody else ever has. Ever will. Reaching out, Namjoon cards a hand gently through Jungkook’s hair.
“Beautiful,” he murmurs.
Jungkook’s soul preens and he leans into the touch. Namjoon slowly drops to his knees in front of him.
“Can I?” he asks, nodding at Jungkook’s chest.
Jungkook bites his lip and nods. In a reverse image from earlier in the evening, Namjoon starts to carefully undo the buttons of his shirt. Like last time, Jungkook’s breath hitches when he feels Namjoon’s fingertips on his skin as the buttons are opened.
Namjoon watches in reverence, making Jungkook blush. When all the buttons are undone, Namjoon slowly slides the silky fabric from Jungkook’s shoulders until he’s bare. Jungkook swallows and reaches for Namjoon’s hand. He takes it and brings it to his chest, pressing Namjoon’s palm over his heart. Knows that Namjoon can feel how hard his heart is beating.
Jungkook slowly starts to move back on the bed, Namjoon’s hand still on his chest like it’s fused there. The rest of Namjoon follows easily, caging Jungkook in as he reaches the head of the bed and falls into the pillows. He wraps his arms around Namjoon’s shoulders and pulls him down into a wet kiss. The saturated heat between them feels so good and Jungkook wants to be soaked in it.
A shiver runs through Jungkook when Namjoon gently sinks his teeth into his lower lip. He wants Namjoon’s teeth marks all over him. Like he’s reading his mind, Namjoon moves down to his neck. Jungkook pants up at the ceiling as tongue and teeth lick and graze across his overheated skin.
“Yes,” Jungkook murmurs breathlessly.
Namjoon hums into his skin, hot breath sending another round of shivers through Jungkook’s body. He kisses a path over Jungkook’s collarbones, like he wants to memorize him with his mouth. Jungkook hopes he does. He inhales sharply when he feels Namjoon’s mouth on his chest. He feels a puff of air over his nipple as Namjoon lets out an overwhelmed breath.
“P-please,” Jungkook chokes out, trying not to squirm.
The second Namjoon’s tongue hits the sensitive bud, a red zing shoots through Jungkook’s body. He moans, fingers digging into Namjoon’s shoulder. Namjoon starts to lave over the nipple, now hard in his mouth. Jungkook presses up into the sensations with another moan. Namjoon takes his time, moving over to the other side after he’s satisfied. Jungkook’s chest moves up and down heavily as he lets the jolts of pleasure run through him.
“Feels so good,” he pants out.
Namjoon pulls away for a second to run a fingertip from Jungkook’s neck all the way down his chest. The touch is light but it still makes Jungkook feel like Namjoon has just etched a trail into him.
“So sensitive,” Namjoon murmurs,
Jungkook feels his face somehow heat even more but he likes it. He doesn’t have much time to think about it before he feels Namjoon’s tongue following the same path. He can feel the warm wetness so intensely on his bare and sensitive skin. Jungkook’s eyes widen and he bites his lip hard when he feels Namjoon’s tongue traveling lower than his finger did. He licks and kisses down until he meets the top of Jungkook’s pants. He glances up into Jungkook’s eyes.
“Yes, please, off,” Jungkook answers, nodding fervently.
Namjoon chuckles deeply, the sound alone turning Jungkook on even more. Namjoon props himself up on one elbow and starts to undo Jungkook’s pants with his other hand. He unfastens them and then slowly pulls the zipper down, Jungkook biting down on his tongue at the anticipation of having Namjoon’s hand so close to where he really wants it. Namjoon sits up and pulls them down Jungkook’s thighs and then off, eyes pouring over every new inch of bare skin. Jungkook doesn’t ever remember wanting to hide and be so desperately seen at the same time.
He shivers when Namjoon’s hands land on his thighs and slowly glide up higher. His fingertips push past the hem of the fabric that sits on his upper thighs. Jungkook watches with red cheeks as Namjoon’s eyes travel to the bulge in his underwear. A moan falls from his lips when Namjoon gently presses a palm to Jungkook’s growing erection. The amount of pressure he’s applying is small but it already feels good. Namjoon touches him more through the fabric, making more blood pulse through. Jungkook’s hips buck and he tries to control himself. Namjoon’s fingers hook into the waistband of the underwear.
“Can I see you, baby?”
The words crash straight to Jungkook’s core.
“Y-yes. W-want you to s-see,” Jungkook stammers out.
Namjoon hums deep in his chest and begins to pull his underwear down. The cool air hits his erection but the heat in Namjoon’s eyes makes the coolness feel momentary. Namjoon takes a deep breath. His hands go back to Jungkook’s thighs, large palms on the sensitive inner skin. His fingertips are so close and Jungkook whimpers as his legs fall open.
“That’s it,” Namjoon murmurs encouragingly.
Jungkook’s breath hitches at the praise. He only has a second to let it sink in how much he wants Namjoon’s praise before Namjoon takes his cock in his hand. Jungkook shudders and moans loudly. Namjoon swipes his thumb over the head where there is already a bead of precum. He spreads it down the shaft, lighting more nerves in Jungkook’s body alight.
“M-more,” he sighs out.
He blinks in confusion when it looks like Namjoon is pulling away. But when he sees it’s just so Namjoon can lie on his stomach, his arousal spikes again. Seeing a still fully clothed Namjoon between his completely bare body has his mind almost losing it. Jungkook sits up slightly on his elbows to get a better look. This image will not leave his mind. He won’t let it.
Namjoon wraps one arm up and around a thigh, the other taking Jungkook’s cock again. Jungkook watches with blown out eyes as Namjoon’s lips open and his tongue peeks out to lick experimentally at the crown.
“Oh my god,” Jungkook moans, already overwhelmed.
Namjoon seems encouraged by the reaction because he flits his tongue out again, this time swirling it and making Jungkook reach down and card his fingers through Namjoon’s hair. Namjoon flattens his tongue and licks up the sensitive underside and Jungkook groans.
“Fuck, how are you already so good at that?” Jungkook pants out.
Namjoon breathes out a chuckle, the hot air making Jungkook twitch.
“I watched you.”
Jungkook’s mind flashes back to his own mouth on Namjoon and he bites back another moan. Namjoon doesn’t give him more time to think about it before his tongue is on him again. Jungkook doesn’t hold back his moans this time, chest starting to heave with all his arousal and pleasure.
“Y-yes, feels so good-ah!”
He cries out when he’s engulfed in the wet warmth of Namjoon’s mouth. He tries to control his hips so he doesn’t make Namjoon gag but it’s hard. And then Namjoon hollows his cheeks and starts to suck. Jungkook throws his head back as loud moans fall from his own lips, his fingers tangling and pulling at Namjoon’s hair.
“L-like that. Please,” he says on a shattered breath.
He falls back into the pillows, arms giving out. Namjoon pulls off but points his tongue to dart over Jungkook’s slit. White hot pleasure rushes through Jungkook’s body. He feels his muscles tighten and he thinks he’s going to come for a moment but he manages to stave it off. He’s not sure he can do it again before Namjoon is inside.
“C-come kiss me,” he begs softly.
Namjoon moves up his body easily, their lips crashing into each other. Jungkook sinks his teeth into Namjoon’s lip. He wants to possess and be possessed. Treasure and be treasured at the same time. He fists the fabric of Namjoon’s shirt. He needs it gone. Needs Namjoon on display for him just like he is for Namjoon.
“N-need to s-see you,” he whispers into Namjoon’s mouth.
Namjoon sits up on his knees and pulls his shirt off, tossing it to the side. Jungkook’s mouth actually waters at all the bare skin being presented to him. He reaches up and circles a finger around a nipple. Namjoon shudders. Jungkook places both hands on Namjoon’s chest, running them slowly up and down Namjoon’s skin. He is so gorgeous, it has Jungkook’s mind swimming. His hands land on Namjoon’s belt. He glances up into Namjoon’s eyes.
“Yes,” Namjoon nods with a smile.
Jungkook swallows and starts to unbuckle the belt. He can see the tent from Namjoon’s erection and it makes his hands tremble. Once the belt is open, he pops the button and pulls the zipper down. Namjoon helps him pull everything down his thighs, freeing him. Jungkook sucks in a breath. Being allowed to see Namjoon like this sends a wave of satisfaction through him.
He wraps a hand gently around Namjoon just to feel. The weight of him feels warm and heavy in his grip. He teases a finger over the crown, making Namjoon’s head loll back and a groan runs through his chest. Jungkook taps the pad of his finger over where precum has started to gather, a line of it sticking and connecting them. He thinks about how it will feel to finally have Namjoon inside him. To be connected in yet another new way. He clenches down on nothing. He wants to feel that drag so bad, he can’t help the moan that falls past his lips. The sound draws Namjoon’s attention and his hot gaze closes in on Jungkook again.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, baby.”
Jungkook swallows and tries to take a steadying breath.
“You. I-inside. How it’ll feel to have you inside of me,” he chokes out.
Namjoon’s eyes widen. There’s a moment of silence save for their heavy breathing. And then it’s like lightning strikes the both of them at once. The rest of Namjoon’s clothes come completely off and he’s back over Jungkook, pressing their thundering hearts together. They lick hotly into each other's mouths. Jungkook’s hand reaches under one of the pillows, searching but not wanting to break the kiss. His fingers close around the bottle of lube he had hidden there earlier. Just in case. The movement catches Namjoon’s eye and he laughs sweetly when he sees the bottle. Jungkook clicks open the bottle of lube and takes Namjoon’s hand. He dribbles some onto Namjoon’s fingers.
“Open me for you,” he says breathlessly.
Namjoon curses, leaning down to kiss along Jungkook’s neck. Jungkook shudders when Namjoon grazes his teeth across his pulse point. He feels like he’s going to lose his mind if Namjoon doesn’t start touching him. He gently guides Namjoon’s sticky hand down. His legs fall open more, wanting Namjoon to have access to all of him.
He gasps when Namjoon’s hand circles his cock, the sticky warmth of it making his hips buck. His hand moves up to grip Namjoon’s shoulder when he begins to pump his hand slowly.
“You look so pretty when you feel good,” Namjoon murmurs.
Jungkook feels another round of blush seep into his face. Namjoon teases his slit and he moans needily, fingers digging harder into Namjoon’s shoulders. His skin prickles with how much he wants Namjoon all over him. Namjoon gives his one last slow stroke before his fingertips start to travel lower.
A high pitched whine leaves Jungkook’s lips when Namjoon’s finger gingerly circles his entrance. The slippery tip of his finger slides over him, pulling out another whimper. Namjoon taps on his rim and it makes him tremble.
“Inside, inside. P-please,” Jungkook pleads softly.
Namjoon nods and leaves a soft kiss on Jungkook’s panting mouth. His hands move to grip the sheets hard when he feels Namjoon’s finger start to press inside. Jungkook moans at the initial pleasurable feeling of pressure. His body relaxes, wanting Namjoon inside it. The lube makes Namjoon’s finger glide all the way in smoothly.
“You feel so warm,” Namjoon breathes out.
“So do you.”
Namjoon rasps out a laugh. He pulls his finger out and then pushes back in. Heat travels down Jungkook’s spine as Namjoon does it again.
“Y-yes. A-another.”
Namjoon adds his index finger, the drag of the long digits making Jungkook bite his tongue. The stretch feels so good. Feels right. Namjoon fucks him slowly with two fingers and then starts to push in a third.
“You’re doing so well,” Namjoon hums.
Jungkook clenches and moans loudly.
“You like doing well for me?” Namjoon murmurs, turned on but also needing the confirmation.
“Yes. W-want to be good for you,” Jungkook whispers, eyes locked intensely on Namjoon’s.
“Fuck.”
Namjoon presses his tongue into Jungkook’s mouth. They kiss deeply, Namjoon moving down to kiss wetly over Jungkook’s jaw and neck.
“You are. You are. So good for me,” he sighs into Jungkook’s skin.
Jungkook wishes the words would etch permanently into his flesh. Wants to always have them on him. Namjoon’s fingers press inside him, making his being have a fuzzy edge of pleasure to it.
“You can do four,” he blushes.
Namjoon groans, making Jungkook bite his lip in a smile. The smile falls open into a moan when he feels the fourth finger enter him. He feels himself clenching around Namjoon’s fingers, holding him in. Namjoon works him open slowly, Jungkook gripping him so tightly his fingers press against everything. Jungkook’s hips buck up at the pleasure, making Namjoon’s fingers slide in deeper.
“F-fuck!” Jungkook cries out.
Namjoon realizes what he’s just touched and gently presses into the bundle of nerves again. Jungkook’s neck arches back at the heated zings coursing through him. A strangled noise leaves him when Namjoon applies more pressure. He grabs back onto Namjoon’s shoulders.
“T-that feels t-too good,” he stutters out with red cheeks.
“Too good?” Namjoon grins.
“That’s the second time I’ve almost come,” Jungkook admits with glassy eyes.
Namjoon moans softly and nuzzles at Jungkook’s neck. Jungkook’s entire body twitches at the affection, making Namjoon’s fingers push into his prostate again. Jungkook cries out again and wraps a leg around Namjoon’s waist.
“Please. N-need you inside now,” he begs.
He starts to pull Namjoon up by the shoulders. Namjoon gingerly takes his fingers out and then he’s over Jungkook again, kissing hotly into his mouth. Jungkook’s other leg wraps around him. He blindly reaches around on the pillows and finds the lube again. He squeezes a generous amount into his hand. Their bodies are pressed so close together but he manages to get his hand between them and down to Namjoon’s cock.
“Get me ready,” Namjoon murmurs into his ear.
Jungkook shivers. Namjoon groans when Jungkook’s hand starts to stroke slowly, spreading the lube all over his erection. He plays at the crown, making Namjoon’s hips jerk. Another stroke down Namjoon’s length and Jungkook can’t wait any longer. He’s practically trembling with how much he wants it.
He carefully guides Namjoon’s erection to his entrance. Namjoon’s breath hitches and Jungkook looks into his eyes, nodding. He teases himself, letting Namjoon glide over his entrance. All it does is make him whimper needily, wanting more. Having Namjoon so close but not inside might actually drive him crazy.
“I’ve got you,” Namjoon reassures, kissing his temple.
Namjoon reaches down between them and grips himself, very slowly adding more pressure. He starts to press against Jungkook’s rim. Jungkook moans at the heated tension.
“Yes,” he breathes out.
Namjoon presses in more until Jungkook's body is opening, letting the tip of Namjoon’s cock inside. Jungkook gasps at the feeling at the same time Namjoon curses, his hand flying up to grip Namjoon’s shoulder. He manages to focus his eyes, wanting to see Namjoon’s reaction.
Above him, Namjoon’s eyes are wide and blown out. A pretty blush spreads all the way down his neck. He’s looking at Jungkook in a way that makes Jungkook feel like he’s glowing from the inside out. Namjoon sinks in a little deeper and the stretch feels so good. Like Namjoon is shaping his body.
“Keep going,” Jungkook whispers breathlessly.
Namjoon pushes in deeper, Jungkook groaning at already feeling so filled.
“You feel…fuck, you feel good,” Namjoon grits out.
Jungkook preens and tilts his hips up, helping Namjoon bury all the way inside. They both moan, Namjoon closing his eyes and taking a shaky breath. They both still, letting the feeling of being connected like this sink over them. Jungkook shivers and tries to steady his own breathing.
Finally having Namjoon like this has a rush of emotions surging through him. Being joined together in the most intimate of ways. Sharing their bodies with each other, letting their connection manifest like this. It all makes Jungkook’s heart soar, his body in smoldering flames that only Namjoon can satiate.
Jungkook slides his hand between them again. He travels down their bodies until he reaches where they are connected. He gasps softly when his fingers brush over his rim, stretched open by Namjoon.
“Okay?” Namjoon asks softly.
“Y-yes. I like it,” he murmurs.
Namjoon smiles and kisses him gently. He pulls out slightly and then pushes in again. Jungkook moans into his mouth, the drag feeling so good. Namjoon repeats the motion, slow and deep. It feels like Namjoon is massaging his walls, Jungkook letting the building pleasure wash over him. He holds tightly onto Namjoon’s shoulders, pulling their chests hot against each other. Namjoon rests their foreheads together, eyes boring into each other. It’s so mindlessly sensuous, feeling Namjoon move inside him. Everything is magnified by the way Namjoon is looking at him.
“Baby,” Namjoon sighs, jaw tensing at the tightness around him.
The name and another drag make Jungkook whine and clench down hard. Namjoon’s hips jolt and he grinds in harder than before. Jungkook cries out and Namjoon stills.
“No, no. More. That felt so good,” Jungkook chokes out needily.
Namjoon groans and pulls almost all the way out and thrusts back in. Jungkook shudders, his thighs tightening around Namjoon. It feels like he’s trying to meld their bodies together with how tight he’s grasping onto Namjoon. Give, give, give. He wants to give over everything to Namjoon. It feels so achingly satisfying to share his body like this.
“Fuck, keep doing that,” he moans.
And Namjoon does, making Jungkook's nerves feel ignited. He tilts his pelvis up more to meet the thrusts, a now constant string of whimpers and moans on his lips.
“Oh my god, the way you sound,” Namjoon groans.
He drives in deeper and Jungkook’s hands fall to grip the sheets.
“H-harder! Please. Please. I need it.”
Namjoon fucks into him with more force, already making Jungkook’s walls spasm around him. It feels like their bodies were made for each other, fitting together to produce a heat that feels incendiary. Namjoon’s pace becomes unrelenting and Jungkook loves it, loves having his body receive Namjoon over and over again. His grip on the sheets is so hard, he feels like he’s going to tear them.
He feels Namjoon throb inside and his own hips buck up, making Namjoon press on that bundle of nerves that makes Jungkook wail. The burst of pleasure travels all the way up his spine. He knows he’s being loud but he can’t help it.
“F-fuck me right there, baby,” he moans brokenly.
Namjoon’s jaw clenches again and he crashes his mouth to Jungkook’s. Jungkook kisses back wetly, tongues and teeth clashing together. Namjoon angles each thrust to land snuggly against Jungkook’s spot, making Jungkook arch his back to get even more. Namjoon’s hands reach for his, untangling them from the sheets and bringing them up by his head. He intertwines their fingers, holding Jungkook in place.
Namjoon is fucking into him so deeply, it feels like his body is being sculpted into a work of art only Namjoon can understand, can give pleasure to. No one else can give him this. The constant pressure on his prostate makes Jungkook’s mouth fall open in a silent shout of pleasure.
“I know, baby, I know,” Namjoon soothes into his mouth.
Their mouths are so close without kissing, like they need to breathe each other in. Need to make sure the other is real flesh and blood. Namjoon reaches down to grasp one of Jungkook’s legs that's wrapped around him. He holds him behind the knee and bends his leg to his chest, making Jungkook’s thigh muscles stretch. The new position makes Namjoon bury impossibly deeper, Jungkook digging his nails into Namjoon’s hands. Namjoon’s eyes roll back and a sheen of sweat makes his pretty skin glisten. Jungkook feels moisture at the corners of his own eyes, body feeling saturated in red ecstasy. An overwhelmed tear falls down his face onto the pillow below.
“I love it. I love it. I love-“.
You. Jungkook bites down on his tongue hard before he can say the last word. So many emotions are roaring through him. He feels like Namjoon is reaching places in his mind, body and heart that nobody has before. This is it. This is all he ever wants.
He shudders and feels himself start to clench over and over again. He’s getting close, body aching for the release that it wants so badly. Namjoon stares into his eyes while he fucks and Jungkook doesn’t dare look away. Doesn’t think he could even if he wanted to. It’s like they're both in a trance of lust and reverence for one another.
“Baby,” Jungkook says breathlessly, loving the sweet word on his tongue.
“Kiss me. Kiss me while you make me come.”
Namjoon’s lips collide with his, kissing so hard it feels deliciously bruising.
“So pretty. So good and pretty for me,” Namjoon breathes into Jungkook’s skin between kisses.
Jungkook whimpers and Namjoon lets go of his hands, his arms immediately flying up to wrap around Namjoon’s shoulders. Needs to hold onto him. Namjoon grinds into him hard and deep one more time and Jungkook lets out a sob.
Every muscle in his body tightens. His being is dissolved into pure pleasure as his walls spasm and contract around Namjoon and the rest of him trembles. He feels his own cock pulse as he comes untouched, spilling himself between his and Namjoon’s sweaty bodies. His vision goes blurry but he can still feel Namjoon licking into his mouth even though he can’t seem to return it at the moment. His fingertips sink into Namjoon’s flesh, neck arching and making Namjoon’s kisses land on his lower lip and chin. His unfocused eyes dreamily stare at the ceiling while the waves crash over him again and again. It won't stop. Fusion at its finest.
He finally starts to come down after a couple more moments, a few aftershocks making him clench tightly again. His eyes begin to focus again and he sees Namjoon looking down at him in awe, lust and need painted all over his face.
“Fuck, baby. Are you okay?” Namjoon chokes out.
Jungkook opens his mouth to try and say something but nothing happens. Instead, he just nods dumbly. Namjoon bites his lip in a smile and kisses Jungkook’s sweaty temple. Jungkook swallows and manages to find his voice.
“Want you to come,” he says in a hoarse whisper.
Namjoon hums and kisses him again.
“Okay,” he murmurs.
“Inside,” Jungkook adds.
Namjoon’s eyes widen. Jungkook lets his arms fall above his head, looking up into Namjoon’s eyes with glazed determination.
“Keep going till you come, please.”
Namjoon groans and Jungkook smirks when he feels Namjoon’s hips jerk. Namjoon sees it and immediately kisses it away while he starts to grind in deeper again. Jungkook sighs happily, still orgasm high. The thrusts are back to slow and deep, Namjoon’s muscles straining as his own pleasure starts to build again.
“So good,” he grits out.
Jungkook reaches up and traces his lips, watches the pretty eyes that stare back at him. Namjoon pulls almost all the way out and fucks back in, moaning at being sheathed inside Jungkook. He does it again, this time harder. Jungkook moans too, because it still feels good to have Namjoon inside even though he just came.
Another hard thrust. Namjoon’s muscles tense. Another. Namjoon’s cock twitches inside. Another. Namjoon grips Jungkook’s waist and breathes heavily. Namjoon rolls his hips and pounds in hungrily. Jungkook feels himself clamping and squeezing around Namjoon, body still underwater with Namjoon, full of lust and heat. Namjoon’s hips stutter at the sensations.
“Fuck, I’m close,” Namjoon curses.
Jungkook whines and pushes his tongue into Namjoon’s mouth. One more hard thrust and Namjoon groans so loudly, Jungkook feels like his body reverberates with it. Namjoon shudders hard, muscles rising and falling as his orgasm tears through him. Jungkook gasps when he feels Namjoon’s release start to flood inside him. A chant of curses and his name falls from Namjoon’s mouth into Jungkook’s, tasting like the sweetest delicacy. Namjoon’s eyes close, lids fluttering as he lets the pleasure run through him, become part of him. Jungkook watches in rapt attention, not wanting to miss a second of Namjoon’s pretty ecstasy.
Namjoon breathes heavily, body eventually starting to mellow out and feel heavy over Jungkook’s. The weight feels good and Jungkook hums happily. He cups Namjoon’s face and peppers kisses everywhere. Namjoon huffs out a laugh and soothes a hand over Jungkook’s waist.
“That was… I don’t have words…” Namjoon breathes.
Jungkook giggles and shakes his head incredulously with Namjoon.
“If you don’t have the words, I definitely don’t.”
They grin at each other and start to kiss wetly, hearts still thundering together. Namjoon sucks on Jungkook’s lower lip and then grazes his teeth over the kiss swollen skin. Jungkook twitches, body being reminded that Namjoon is still locked inside him. He whimpers in sensitivity, legs falling from being wrapped around Namjoon’s waist.
“Slowly,” Namjoon murmurs.
He massages comforting circles into Jungkook’s hip bone and starts to pull out gingerly. Jungkook sighs at the empty feeling but then his face heats when he feels Namjoon’s cum start to drip out now that it’s not plugged up inside. He shivers and Namjoon glances into his flushed face.
“I’m okay. Just…it’s all so hot ,” he whines, hiding behind his hands.
Namjoon laughs and kisses over Jungkook’s knuckles.
“I think so, too.”
Jungkook lets his hands fall away to see Namjoon looking down at him, just as flushed and shy.
“Yeah?”
Namjoon nods and moves carefully from above Jungkook to next to him. He tilts his head to look at Jungkook.
“So hot I don’t know how I’m still alive.”
Jungkook laughs, falling easily into Namjoon’s side. Namjoon’s arms wrap around him and hold him. Jungkook’s heart sings in contented happiness. His eyes start to feel heavy, his being permeated completely by Namjoon. No going back. Because, even when it’s complicated, being in love feels nice, doesn’t it? And Jungkook loves Namjoon with the essence of his being.
It’s dark except for the moonlight seeping in from the large windows when Jungkook’s eyes blink open. A light breeze wafts in from the balcony door that is still open from earlier. Jungkook lets his eyes adjust to everything, gaze traveling to the man in bed next to him. He stares for a little while, eyes drinking in the skin that isn’t covered by the thin sheet they are under. The moonlight lights up the sections of Namjoon’s skin that it can reach, making him look like he has the light contained inside of him. Jungkook swallows and lets his emotions pour out. He reaches over and gingerly traces patterns over Namjoon’s back. Namjoon sighs but doesn’t wake.
Jungkook watches the peaceful way his body rises and falls with each breath. He’s so gorgeous, it makes Jungkook inhale shakily. He leans over to leave the barest of kisses on Namjoon’s temple. He stares for one more moment before he gingerly climbs out of bed. He takes one of the blankets at the end of the bed and wraps it around himself.
Padding softly over to the balcony door, he opens it wider and slips through. The outside air feels good on his warm skin and he takes a deep breath. He settles into the wicker armchair, the only piece of furniture in the small space. The moon shines bright for him while he lets his thoughts wander. His mind goes back to earlier tonight. He had almost told Namjoon. Told Namjoon that he was in love with him. This secret that has just been his for so long was about to be out. How would Namjoon have reacted? A shiver of anticipation runs through Jungkook.
He turns to steal another glance at Namjoon’s sleeping form. Jungkook sighs. He must be crazy. He doesn’t even know what Namjoon thinks about the two of them. If his feelings are anything close to what Jungkook feels. But the way Namjoon looks at him…it really makes him feel like maybe…
Maybe what? That he will leave her? That he will choose Jungkook over her? He can’t even let her name enter his mind. He takes a deep breath. It just feels so overwhelmingly good to be with Namjoon. So good to have his attention, his smiles, his thoughts. Feels so good to give their bodies over to each other. Jungkook shivers again, this time at remembering what they did in the bed not six feet away from him.
He looks out at the night sky, letting his thoughts of Namjoon fall out of his mind and into the velvety darkness. He traces his lips with his tongue absentmindedly, smiling when he thinks about the way that Namjoon kisses him. The cool air runs through his hair and his blanket falls down his shoulders, cooling off his skin. This weekend isn’t over. He still has more precious alone time with Namjoon and he’s not going to waste it. He stays outside for a bit longer until he realizes goosebumps have risen on his skin. Standing, he wraps the blanket tighter around himself.
He turns around and, for whatever reason, isn’t surprised to see Namjoon awake and propped up on an elbow, watching him. He smiles softly and walks back inside, stopping when he reaches Namjoon on the bed. Namjoon shifts to sit up against the pillows, expression soft as he gazes at Jungkook.
“Hey,” he murmurs.
“Hey,” Jungkook echoes.
Namjoon’s eyes are so easy to get lost in and Jungkook is more than willing to never be found. He starts to climb back into bed, knee sinking into the plush bed while he carefully swings his other leg over Namjoon’s lap. He settles gently, straddling Namjoon with only the thin sheet between them. Namjoon’s arms go to circle his waist, providing immediate comfort and warmth. His own arms wrap around Namjoon’s shoulders, pulling him close. One of Namjoon’s hands strokes tenderly up his back over the blanket.
“Cold out there?” he asks softly.
“Little bit. Better now,” Jungkook whispers.
He nuzzles his face into the side of Namjoon’s neck, breathing him in. Namjoon continues the motions, warming Jungkook’s skin up more. Jungkook hums and places a soft kiss on Namjoon’s pulse point. He pulls aways slightly to admire Namjoon, still drenched in the moonlight. Reaching up, he traces Namjoon’s cheekbone.
“Handsome,” he breathes.
Namjoon bites his lip and a red tinge paints his cheeks. Jungkook smiles and leans in to press more kisses to his neck and along his jawline. Namjoon’s breath hitches softly. Jungkook makes his way to Namjoon’s lips, sighing into his mouth happily when they are finally kissing again. It’s soft and perfect, the way their lips gently meet.
Jungkook’s hand slips to the back of Namjoon’s neck, holding while they kiss. A small flame reaches his core when he dips his tongue into Namjoon’s mouth. Namjoon’s tongue tangles with his and there’s that silky, wet sensation that makes Jungkook whimper softly.
By the time they come up for air, they are both panting. Jungkook presses his forehead to Namjoon’s and tries to take a deep breath.
“G-good. Feels good,” he mumbles into the tiny space between them.
Namjoon smiles and nods in agreement. Jungkook leans back in for more, eyes closing at the sinking feeling of building pleasure. Namjoon’s teeth graze against his lower lip and the flame catches. His hips give a tiny roll over Namjoon’s crotch and a small moan stutters out of him. He’s not sure he was thinking of sex when he placed himself in Namjoon’s lap, but his body is telling him it definitely is now. His hips give another roll when he licks over Namjoon’s plush lips. Namjoon's hands on his waist grip tighter in warning.
“Jungkook…”
His tone sends a spark down Jungkook’s spine.
“Please have me again?” he whispers.
Namjoon’s eyes practically roll back and he groans softly.
“Okay. Yes, w-want that. Want you,” he rasps out.
Jungkook kisses his jaw wetly.
“You’ve got me,” he replies honestly.
Their lips meet again with more heat this time. Jungkook’s hands fall to Namjoon’s chest, the warm skin feeling nice under his palms. The blanket falls away from his shoulders, Namjoon leaning in to spread kisses over his collarbones. The feather touches makes Jungkook sigh happily. His sigh turns into a whimper when Namjoon ducks down and licks over a nipple. The wet warmth sends more sparks of pleasure through him and his breath hitches. Namjoon moves to the other, tongue playing over the sensitive bud.
“L-like that,” Jungkook breathes, only a little embarrassed at how needy he already sounds.
Namjoon hums over his skin, making him shudder. His thighs fall open wider around Namjoon, the slight burn of the stretch feeling good. He moans softly when Namjoon’s hands slide down from his waist to his ass, cupping it firmly. His hips buck when Namjoon’s fingertips press into the tight muscles. He blushes red but Namjoon just kisses over his jaw and up to his lips.
“Do that again,” he murmurs into Jungkook’s mouth.
Jungkook bites back another moan at the direction, nodding shyly. He grinds his hips down lightly but even that feels so good already. This time, he can’t help the whine that falls from his lips when he repeats the motion. He starts to set a slow and sensual rhythm, loving the way his body is feeling every little sensation at this pace. He gasps when he feels Namjoon’s fingers slide in closer.
“Okay?” Namjoon checks.
“Y-yes. Please touch me,” Jungkook pants out.
Namjoon curses softly. He pulls Jungkook open wider and teases the pad of his finger over the hidden bundle of muscle. Jungkook shudders harshly, grinding more over Namjoon’s lap. That same syrupy heat from before starts to spread. He feels himself getting hard, sinking his teeth into his lower lip when Namjoon’s finger circles his rim.
Another roll of his hips and Jungkook feels Namjoon is starting to get hard too. He groans and sits up slightly to impatiently pull the sheet out of the way. He needs skin on skin. Needs to see.
Namjoon rumbles out a low laugh when he sees what Jungkook wants, helping him push the sheet away. So pretty. Everything about Namjoon is just so pretty . Jungkook exhales shakily and settles back over Namjoon, now met with warm skin instead of the cotton of the sheet. His hips grind down immediately, seeking out the sweet pressure that makes his skin prickle. Namjoon’s hands go back to grip his ass hard and Jungkook falls forward into his chest, breathing hotly over his skin.
Namjoon’s hips buck up and it makes them both groan loudly. They’re both fully hard now, bodies pressed together and searching for more. When Namjoon grinds his hips up again, Jungkook can feel his erection slide over his entrance. He muffles his loud moan into Namjoon’s neck. Namjoon shudders at the sensation, doing it slower the time, deliberately sliding his cock over Jungkook’s rim. It’s so close to actually getting fucked and it sends a wave of pure pleasure over Jungkook’s being. A shattered moan escapes him and he clenches down on nothing.
“Can you- i-inside?” he mumbles needily.
Namjoon’s grip on him tightens.
“Okay, baby.”
Jungkook feels himself clench down again. He manages to push himself up from Namjoon’s chest and grab the discarded lube from earlier.
He looks down between them and curses at the way they look pressed together. He clicks open the bottle and turns it upside down between them, squeezing until lube drizzles down onto them. Namjoon groans when it hits his cock and Jungkook watches in lustful awe at the way it glides down, coating them and making them glisten. He tosses the bottle aside once they are slippery with it. Wanting to touch, he takes Namjoon’s cock in his hand and moans softly when Namjoon twitches in his grasp. He looks back up into Namjoon’s eyes to see him already watching him intently with blown out eyes. He presses slick kisses to Namjoon’s red mouth.
“Want to feel you again,” he murmurs.
Namjoon rumbles out a moan deep in his chest.
“Me too.”
His hands pull Jungkook wider again.
“Do you need my fingers before…”
As good as Namjoon’s fingers feel, Jungkook feels impatient for his cock inside. He shakes his head.
“Still open from earlier,” he breathes.
Namjoon curses, eyes closing shut like he needs a second. Jungkook giggles and nuzzles at Namjoon’s neck.
“You drive me crazy,” Namjoon says, voice heavy with want and honesty.
Jungkook’s breath hitches and his hand slides down Namjoon’s chest to his heart. There it is. The beat that makes his own sing back happily. He leaves a tender kiss on Namjoon’s mouth.
“Need you. Please,” he presses into Namjoon’s skin.
Namjoon inhales sharply and nods. Jungkook sits up on his knees, thighs still spread. Namjoon takes his cock in his hand and teases over Jungkook’s rim, making Jungkook whimper brokenly. He feels the head of Namjoon’s cock nestle gently over him. He grips Namjoon’s shoulder at the sensation of him slowly adding more pressure.
“Oh my god,” he moans when his body starts to let Namjoon in.
The sweet pressure feels so good, just the tip of Namjoon’s erection inside. Namjoon’s hand goes back to his ass to grip it open. Jungkook slides down the tiniest bit more, the spread feeling already overwhelmingly delicious.
“Namjoon,” he whimpers.
“Slowly. That’s it,” Namjoon reassures, kissing Jungkook's distracted mouth.
He sinks down another inch, breathing heavily. Why does it feel so down to the bone good to have Namjoon inside? He’s still sensitive from earlier but the slow stretch has his entire body pulsing in pleasure. Another inch and he bites down hard on his lip.
Attention focusing back on Namjoon’s face, he sees Namjoon’s gaze is lowered to where their bodies are joining. A fresh blush reddens his face when he realizes Namjoon is watching himself enter Jungkook. It’s so filthy and hot and has him moaning Namjoon’s name. Namjoon looks back up at him with wide eyes.
“Fuck, baby. I can see you t-taking me,” he breathes.
A high whine of pleasure leaves Jungkook’s mouth and another inch presses inside.
“Good. So good,” Namjoon praises.
Jungkook sinks all the way down at the words. He chokes on a moan, arms wrapping around Namjoon and head falling to the crook of his neck. He feels so full, so connected to the person who has his heart. Whimpering, he cuddles closer as Namjoon massages soothing circles into his waist.
It’s sensual and so arousing to have Namjoon pressed up inside him but he also loves the closeness it brings. To be tied together this way. As close as two humans can physically be with each other.
He doesn’t move, just lets his body tingle with pleasure and happiness at having Namjoon so close. Having Namjoon’s body so completely. It feels nice to be full of someone he cares for so deeply.
Namjoon presses soft kisses to his shoulder, no impatience for either one of them to start moving. He traces patterns into Jungkook’s back, the movements feeling so caring and gentle. So much like love. Jungkook tries to take a deep breath but it comes out shaky. He leaves the warmth of Namjoon’s neck and moves to rest his forehead on Namjoon’s, arms still wrapped around him.
“I like feeling you,” he whispers.
“Yeah?” Namjoon smiles softly.
“So much.”
They breath each other in for another moment and then close the space between them, lips meeting in warm want. It feels so satisfying to have all his senses overwhelmed by Namjoon. His mouth opens wider against Namjoon’s, an invitation for Namjoon to press his tongue inside. He shivers happily when Namjoon does.
A couple moments pass and Namjoon travels wetly down his jawline to his neck. He sucks on the sensitive skin, making Jungkook tilt his head to allow him more access. Jungkook’s hips jerk when Namjoon’s teeth graze over the bloom he’s just made. They both moan at the movement. Jungkook does it again, just a small grind down but it already feels heavenly. His breath stutters.
“F-fuck,” Jungkook huffs out, face feeling hot.
Namjoon smiles into his skin and his hands slide to the small of Jungkook’s back. He presses gently and Jungkook’s body reads what to do right away, hips rolling deliberately. Moaning shakily, he does it again. Viscous bliss runs through his veins.
“Gorgeous,” Namjoon murmurs.
Jungkook’s heart vibrates happily. His hips fall into a rhythm, honey slow and sweet.
“Moving so pretty for me,” Namjoon hums.
Jungkook’s fingers dig into Namjoon’s skin and he lifts up slightly while keeping up the movement of his hips. He can feel Namjoon’s cock slide out of him and then bury back all the way in when he sinks down.
“Y-yes,” he gasps.
It feels like Namjoon is caressing his insides, a tickly heat sending tingles down his spine. When he does it again, he rises up higher on his knees, sinking down slowly to feel every part of Namjoon reentering. His mouth falls open in an “o” of pleasure.
“Good?” Namjoon whispers.
“Mmhmm,” Jungkook whimpers, all words falling out of his mind.
He rises again, moans falling from his lips. This time his hips are met with Namjoon’s when he thrusts up. Jungkook cries out.
“Fuck, sorr-” Namjoon’s panicked voice follows.
Jungkook paws at Namjoon’s chest, interrupting him.
“I liked it. Do it a-again. P-please, again,” he stumbles out needily.
A groan rumbles through Namjoon’s chest. He bends his legs as much as he can and digs his heels into the bed. His hands travel down to grip Jungkook’s ass again and he thrusts up. Jungkook shudders, cock throbbing between their bodies as Namjoon fucks him. He pushes against Namjoon’s thrusts, bodies joining over and over again and making his entire body pulse.
“Namjoon,” he moans, the name coming out high and breathy.
Namjoon’s hips rut up hard, hitting so deep. Jungkook’s head lolls back to the ceiling.
“Baby,” Namjoon grits out.
His grip is so tight, Jungkook’s pretty sure he’s going to have bruises. He hopes.
“Please,” Jungkook breathes out, not even sure what all he’s asking for.
Namjoon fucks in again and hits Jungkook’s sensitive cluster of nerves. Jungkook chokes out a sob, back arching into the searing bliss. He falls back, hands bracing himself on Namjoon’s thighs.
“Fuck me just like that, baby,” Jungkook moans.
Namjoon curses loudly, holding onto Jungkook while his hips snap. He pulls one hand away to trail down Jungkook’s sweaty skin, tracing down the dips and curves of his muscles.
“So beautiful,” he pants shakily.
His fingers travel lower until they’re wrapping around Jungkook’s erection. He spreads the large amount of precum that has gathered at the tip. Jungkook trembles and tries not to yell, fingers digging into Namjoon’s thighs. Namjoon starts to stroke up and down and tears prick at the corners of Jungkook’s eyes. This is too good. It’s almost like his body can’t handle all the pleasure and yet wants more. He registers the litany of whines and moans coming out of him and that he’s being loud again but it doesn’t matter.
He feels himself flutter and clench around Namjoon. A fucked out smile reaches his face when he hears Namjoon’s groans.
“I can’t get over how you feel,” Namjoon rasps in awe.
His thumb teases over the head of Jungkook’s cock and then presses at the slit. Jungkook does yell this time. He falls forward again, thigh muscles burning as they open as wide as they possibly can over Namjoon. Namjoon sinks in until his cock is right where Jungkook wants it. His hand is trapped between them, still pumping.
Their sweaty foreheads meet and they stare into each other’s eyes, breathing the other in again. Namjoon’s eyes are so blown out they’re black and it’s so unnervingly hot. He’s so gorgeous, skin glistening with sweat and a deep flush painting his chest. Jungkook’s arms wrap around his neck and he holds on. Can’t let go.
Stay with me. I can’t not have you. Can’t you feel how hopelessly in love with you I am? All these words want to tumble out of his mouth. But he needs to keep them inside. Knows they are too much right now. He doesn’t want Namjoon to think he’s just saying the words out of lust. So instead, when he opens his mouth, a moan of visceral pleasure leaves it.
He moves his hands to cradle Namjoon’s face, thumbs gliding over his cheekbones. Panting into each other’s mouth, their eyes consume each other. It's so extremely intimate, faces being only centimeters apart while their bodies give and receive pleasure.
“Close?” Namjoon asks breathlessly.
Jungkook manages to nod.
“Me too.”
Jungkook licks over Namjoon’s lips. Needs to taste.
“You fuck me so good,” he whispers into Namjoon’s mouth.
Namjoon’s hips buck at the words.
“So close, baby,” Jungkook whimpers.
Namjoon fucks up hard, rhythm relentless to chase release for both of them. Jungkook moans loudly, the pressure on his prostate constant. Namjoon’s thumb presses into his slit again and Jungkook’s eyes roll back, Namjoon’s name falling out of his mouth around a sob.
His body shakes, muscles feeling too tight in the best way. Like even his fingertips can feel the ecstasy coursing through him. His walls spasm and he starts to empty over Namjoon’s hand milking him through it. Spurts of cum hit both their stomachs as his breaths shatter over and over. His cock throbs in Namjoon’s grip, the rest of him clinging to Namjoon’s warm body. It feels like every one of his nerves has been set on fire. It’s like he can literally feel his blood pulsing and rushing through his veins, can hear the swoosh of it in his ears. Too good, too good, too good , his body chants to him.
Namjoon’s orgasm hits him before Jungkook’s muscles have even relaxed. His hips stutter and he groans, teeth sinking into Jungkook’s shoulder. Jungkook can feel his cock throb as he starts to spill inside. It has him clenching down hard, making Namjoon buck up. His own cock pulses with another dribble of cum.
“Baby,” Namjoon moans.
Jungkook stares at the sight of Namjoon still coming. His red and swollen mouth open prettily, eyes fluttering at the pleasure. Skin pulled taut over his muscles and sounds of ecstasy falling from his lips just for Jungkook’s ears. The red of the flush on his skin looks so lovely over his golden complexion. It’s too perfect a sight.
Both their bodies start to finally calm down. Namjoon’s mouth is still open, eyes glazed over with endorphins. It makes Jungkook giggle. He peeks out his tongue and licks into Namjoon’s mouth. Namjoon laughs and tilts Jungkook’s chin up for a real kiss.
Namjoon’s arms wrap around Jungkook, turning them and carefully settling Jungkook back into the pillows, still kissing him. Jungkook whines softly at the new position, body overly sensitive and being reminded that Namjoon is still inside. Namjoon holds his hip and gingerly starts to pull out. Jungkook gasps quietly, slightly sore after two rounds of sex but sated so deeply he feels it in his bones. Namjoon presses kisses all over his face to comfort him.
When he pulls away again, it’s to stare. His gaze travels all over Jungkook’s face, pretty eyes so intense. Jungkook squirms, his face reddening.
“W-what?” he asks softly.
The question seems to break Namjoon out of his trance. He laughs quietly and cards his fingers through Jungkook's hair.
“You can stare but I can’t?” he teases gently.
Jungkook blushes more and moves to hide his face in the pillows. He takes a deep breath and looks back up at Namjoon.
“You can. I-I like it,” he murmurs.
Namjoon grins and leans down to connect their lips. They kiss languidly, just enjoying the feeling of touching in this way. A kiss to Jungkook’s nose and Namjoon finally falls into the pillows next to him.
“I think if I shut my eyes, I will fall asleep in two seconds,” Namjoon admits.
Jungkook giggles and feels his own eyes flutter heavily. He turns and cuddles into Namjoon’s warm chest. Namjoon pulls him close and presses one more kiss to Jungkook’s hair. They fall asleep, Jungkook listening to the soothing beat of Namjoon’s heart.
When Jungkook wakes late the next morning, he can definitely feel the aftermath of last night throughout his body more significantly. It just makes him blush hotly at the memories. He’s still tucked away in Namjoon’s arms and it feels so good to be held like this. He sighs happily, Namjoon starting to stir awake too.
Namjoon breathes in deeply, Jungkook feeling his muscles stretch. Namjoon blinks and looks at Jungkook who is watching him with wide, doe eyes. He startles when Namjoon chuckles incredulously, eyes going to the ceiling.
“How do you look so beautiful first thing in the morning?” Namjoon asks, looking back over at Jungkook.
Jungkook bites his lip and tries to hide a bashful smile.
“I don’t think I-”
“Mmm, you do,” Namjoon hums, voice deep with sleep still.
It travels straight to Jungkook’s heart.
“I’m not even- we didn’t even shower after…” Jungkook trails off, cheeks heating up.
“After two times?” Namjoon supplies.
Jungkook squeaks and pulls Namjoon into a hug so he can hide his face for a second. Namjoon laughs softly and glides a hand down Jungkook’s back. Jungkook manages to collect himself the best he can. He pulls his face away from Namjoon’s neck and looks into his eyes. Namjoon reaches up and gently touches close to the corner of Jungkook’s eye.
“Messed up your pretty makeup last night,” he murmurs.
Jungkook’s breath hitches. His fingers press into Namjoon’s skin.
“You made me cry, it was so good,” Jungkook admits in a whisper.
Namjoon’s eyes widen and he curses. They stare at each other and then break into hushed laughter. Namjoon presses a kiss to Jungkook’s mouth, going back in when Jungkook tilts his chin up for more.
They lounge around in bed, kissing and exchanging soft words. Jungkook doesn’t want it to end. He tries to ignore the squeeze to his heart knowing they can’t lie in bed for 100 more hours. Not that that would be enough.
Finally, they start to make their way from the bed to the bathroom. Jungkook, not wanting to waste a precious moment apart, asks Namjoon shyly to join him in the shower. Namjoon smiles and steps under the warm water with him.
Their hands slip and slide over soapy skin, Namjoon seeming just as eager to make every last minute count. He kisses over Jungkook’s shoulder blades while he shampoos his hair, fingers tangling carefully through the strands. Jungkook closes his eyes and feels like crying with a mixture of contentment, love and sadness at the end of this time together. Would it really be that crazy to suggest running away together? It could work. If he had Namjoon, it could work. He sighs deeply and brings himself back to reality.
He packs his stuff up slowly. They only spent one night in this room but it feels overwhelmingly scary to leave it. He feels like so much was said and unsaid.
He goes to lock the balcony door back up, taking a moment to stare out at the blue sky. His thoughts from last night, while he was alone and looking up at the moon, come back to him. Tell him. Namjoon deserves to know. He bites his lips nervously. When he turns around, he spots the bottle of lube almost hidden from sight in the sheets on the bed. A heat curls through as he picks up the bottle and stares at it.
Namjoon walks in from the living room where he had been gathering his work papers. He stops when he sees Jungkook on the other side of the bed, eyes traveling down to the bottle. He blushes red but looks back up into Jungkook’s eyes. Setting his papers down, he walks forward to sit on the edge of the bed, still facing Jungkook.
“Thinking?” he asks softly.
Jungkook nods. Namjoon reaches out for him and he wants to cry again. He walks around the bed to Namjoon, stopping to stand between his legs. His hands land on Namjoon’s shoulders and Namjoon holds his waist.
“Want to tell me what about?” Namjoon asks gingerly.
Jungkook breathes deeply.
“Yes. But not right now, okay?”
Namjoon nods, doesn’t push. And in this moment, Jungkook just loves him more for it. He strokes a hand across Namjoon’s cheek bone, over his temple, down his nose. Touches just to touch. Namjoon moves his head to kiss Jungkook’s fingers. Jungkook smiles softly and leans down. Namjoon tilts his chin up to meet Jungkook, their lips pressing together. Always so sweet and good.
“Namjoon?” Jungkook says when they part.
“Hmm?”
“Thank you.”
Namjoon smiles questioningly.
“For what?”
“For this. For wanting this. It means…you mean a lot to me,” he answers carefully.
Namjoon gazes into his eyes.
“Thank you for being here with me. You mean a lot to me too, baby.”
Jungkook feels scared he might say more, admit more. He leans down to kiss Namjoon again to shut himself up.
They check out with five minutes to spare. In the hotel lobby, they look around and then back at each other.
“Hey, you want to get breakfast? Or actually, maybe it’s brunch time…” Namjoon says checking his watch.
Jungkook nods vigorously.
“Yes! I’m starving,” he beams.
They walk over to a close diner, laden with more bags than one usually takes to a restaurant but not caring. Sliding into a booth in the corner, Jungkook can’t stop the smile on his face. Happy to have more time. Happy to be out in public again with Namjoon for just a little bit longer with no worries. They talk and eat, smiles coming out easily. After a while, Namjoon leans back into the booth, hands around his mug of coffee. He looks at Jungkook, a thoughtful crease between his brows.
“I really like spending time with you,” he says.
Jungkook puts his own mug down.
“I really like spending time with you,” he echoes softly.
Namjoon smiles but looks out the window, still thinking.
“Jungkook, can I tell you something?”
Jungkook’s hands tense in his lap.
“Anything,” he replies.
Namjoon takes a deep breath.
“I’m a little scared at how much I liked spending time with you. Because it makes me want m-more time with you.”
Jungkook’s heart rate picks up. More. More of one another. But he’s the one who wants more of another person that is already being shared. Namjoon looks over at him again and sees his expression.
“I’m sorry. I-I shouldn’t have said that. Please don’t-” he rushes out.
“I feel the same,” Jungkook interrupts quietly.
Namjoon quiets and searches Jungkook’s face.
“I don’t know what to do,” Namjoon whispers.
Jungkook exhales a long breath he didn’t even realize he was holding.
“Me neither.”
He reaches across the table and takes Namjoon’s hand. Namjoon’s thumb immediately caresses over his skin. They sit in silence, holding hands over the table. They look out the window, at each other, back out the window and back to each other. Always back to each other. Namjoon gives Jungkook’s hand a squeeze. Jungkook finds himself wishing he could relay the enormity of his feelings to Namjoon through touch alone.
They finally manage to tear themselves away from the booth. Jungkook can tell they both know their little escape is really over. His sad heart lightens a little when Namjoon takes his hand on the way to the train station.
Their train arrives and they make their way to the back again. Jungkook gives Namjoon the window seat this time, happy to just rest his head on his shoulder. They share whispers and gazes, getting in what they can with the last bit of time they have.
When the train pulls into their station, Jungkook’s heart wilts a little. They make their way off, stepping back onto solid ground. Back to the realness of their situation.
Namjoon looks around and then sets his stuff down on the pavement. Jungkook is surprised when his warm palms cup his face but he melts into the touch right away. Namjoon’s eyes pierce into his and Jungkook’s breath hitches. His own hand goes up to cover one of Namjoon’s, holding him there. Too much. He knows it’s too much for where they are. He doesn’t care.
“Kiss me,” he whispers.
Namjoon’s lips land on his and he forgets everything for a moment. Love, love, love, his mind repeats internally. He kisses back, basking in the warmth that passes between them. He barely registers the brush of another person pass him when he pulls away to gaze at Namjoon. They smile at each other.
And Jungkook doesn’t know what it is but something makes him break Namjoon’s gaze and look to the side of them. He blinks and tries to focus his eyes. The back of the person who he’s pretty sure passed them looks uncomfortably familiar. He swallows hard. Everything seems to start moving in slow motion.
His eyes widen when the person glances back at them. Yoongi stares back, face unsettlingly blank. Namjoon looks where Jungkook is staring and stiffens immediately when he sees Yoongi. His hands fall from Jungkook’s face and he takes a step back. Yoongi takes one last look between the two of them and turns back around, disappearing into the other passing bodies.
Notes:
I know they need to communicate. Trust me, I know!
I think this is the second longest chapter after the first one. I thought about dividing it up but I really wanted Jungkook’s view of this time as a slice of uninterrupted escape to be conveyed and I felt like multiple chapters would break it up too much. Who had bets on Yoongi being the first one to find out??? Who will be the next to find out??? Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter and thank you for giving these two your time.
I'm on twitter now too!
I post updates, sneak peeks and other mush I have ruminating around in my mind.
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Chapter 7
Notes:
Mandatory “sorry this took so long”. I hope this update was worth the wait and thank you so much for taking the time to read. ❤️
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Everything was an out of body blur after seeing Yoongi. Namjoon had finally looked back at Jungkook after what felt like a heart crushing eternity. They’d just stared at each other, no words feeling right to exchange at the moment. Namjoon took another step back from him. Jungkook tried not to let the distance hurt. But it did.
Another moment passed and they both started to walk slowly away from the station. Physically next to each other but minds eternities apart, lost to their own thoughts. Jungkook slowly shook out of his. He held his breath and looked over at Namjoon. His jaw was clenched tensely and he was staring down at his shoes with each step.
As they reached the front of the station, Jungkook turned to face Namjoon. Had only been the tiniest bit relieved when Namjoon turned, too. His eyes were still on his shoes. Please look at me, Jungkook had begged in his mind. His hand extended to reach for Namjoon’s but then stopped mid air. He pulled it back. It felt as though even the air around them had changed.
“Namjoon,” he whispered, still unable to voice anything more.
He heard Namjoon take a shaky breath. His eyes finally traveled up to meet Jungkook’s. Jungkook felt his heart crack at the confusion, sorrow and fear he saw there. An amalgamation of his own inner storms staring back at him.
“Jungkook,” Namjoon whispered back.
They stared at each other again, Jungkook’s eyes starting to burn from not blinking. He felt like if he blinked, Namjoon would disappear and take his heart with him. And then there would truly be nothing. Namjoon swallowed and took another unsteady breath.
“I-I should go…” he murmured.
Jungkook’s brows creased but he nodded slowly. It’s not like he could make Namjoon stay. Especially when he himself didn’t know anything to say or do to make any of this better.
“I…okay,” he said dejectedly.
Namjoon looked distressed at his tone of voice. It felt unreal that only hours ago, they had been in bed together, wrapped up in each other’s arms. Blissfully ignoring reality. Jungkook wanted to go back to that so badly, he almost convinced himself it was possible if he wished hard enough.
His eyes had traced over Namjoon’s handsome face that was clouded over with emotion. Namjoon took a step towards him. Jungkook felt like he could feel his body heat, like their auras were starting to heat into each other again. Felt cold when Namjoon took two steps back.
“Bye,” he said thickly.
Jungkook felt a sob bubbling up in his throat. He tore his eyes away in case they filled
with tears.
“Bye, Namjoon,” he replied, unable to keep the wetness out of his voice.
Namjoon waited another moment and then turned, walking away slowly like he was in a trance. Jungkook had watched his back get smaller and smaller as he disappeared into the mesh of strangers.
He finally turned too, starting to walk in the opposite direction. The people and surroundings blurred as his eyes filled with tears, dropping down onto his jacket as they fell down his cheeks. It felt pointless to wipe them away.
Somehow, he had made it home. He’d climbed the stairs two at a time, closing his door silently behind him. He’d dropped his bag and then fell into bed, tears coming in harder and faster. Rivulets that were starting to feel permanent.
Three days later and Jungkook wakes with a start. He's breathing heavily and he’s sweating, old t-shirt clinging to his chest. He sits up and looks around his room wildly, shaken from whatever nightmare he had been having. Takes a couple of shaky breaths before he reaches blindly over to his nightstand where his phone is plugged in. He yanks it off the charger. It lights up brightly, making him squint. Nothing new.
He’s composed so many messages to Namjoon, deleting all of them. Almost called multiple times but unable to make himself press the button. What is he supposed to say? How does one even start the kind of conversation they need to have? Just the thought of it going poorly makes Jungkook feel more horrible than he already does.
A soft knock at the door pulls his attention back to the present. It opens before he can say anything.
“Jungkookie? Oh, you’re up. How are you feeling?” comes Jimin’s soft voice.
Jimin and Taehyung had been operating under the assumption that Jungkook was sick. He didn’t bother to correct them. Easier this way.
Jimin pads in softly and sits on the corner of the bed. Jungkook can see that his brow is furrowed in concern. He’s hit with a pang of guilt about worrying him and Taehyung.
“I’m fine,” he croaks out, voice hoarse from lack of use.
Jimin frowns.
“No you’re not,” he says worriedly.
He scoots closer on the bed, raising his palm up to Jungkook’s forehead.
“You don’t feel overheated, though.”
Jungkook clears his throat, ready to try and reassure Jimin again. He doesn’t get any words out before Jimin is climbing back off the bed.
“I’ll bring you something to eat. When was the last time you ate anything? I feel like you haven’t been out of this room in days,” he says.
Jungkook opens his mouth to protest Jimin waiting on him. Jimin holds up a hand.
“Don’t even try. I’m bringing you something to eat,” he states firmly.
Jungkook closes his mouth. No use in arguing with Jimin when he’s made up his mind. Jimin leaves his room quietly, leaving the door slightly ajar. Jungkook sighs. He checks his phone one more time before snuggling down into his comforter. He stares at the light seeping in through the crack in the door. Watches it go out of focus as his thoughts go back to Namjoon. Always back to Namjoon.
More days pass and Jungkook keeps calling into work sick. He’s worked so hard at being a model employee, his supervisor doesn’t question anything further.
He knows he’s being overdramatic. But every time he thinks this is the day he can make it out of bed and to work, all his shitty feelings come crashing back down on him and make him feel like his body is experiencing an earthquake. Unable to stand on solid ground and get a grip. Loud crashing and screams that are only inside his head.
Jimin and Taehyung tip toe in and out of his room, bringing him food and checking in on him. He knows it’s because they love him but it just makes him feel worse. Makes him feel like he’s taking advantage of their kindness. Kindness that he doesn’t deserve.
He wakes Friday afternoon with a blinding headache. Friday. One week since the start of his trip with Namjoon. The thought makes his headache pulse painfully. He whines pitifully into the darkness of his room. Reaching over, he manages to feel out his bottle of pain pills. He tosses a few into his mouth and mentally thanks Jimin for bringing him a tall glass of water before he left for work that morning. He downs the entire thing, throat dry with sleep. He turns back into his pillows, falling into another fitful sleep.
When he wakes next, it's to a knock at his door. He rubs his eyes groggily, room now pitch black. It must be evening. He slept the whole day away again. He sighs and looks towards his door.
“Come in.”
The door opens and Taehyung peeks his head inside. His eyes are wide with concern and his lips are pulled into a tight smile.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“I’m alive,” Jungkook tries to joke but it comes out sounding too serious.
“Well, that’s a relief,” Taehyung hums.
He pushes the door open wider so he can squeeze inside and closes it shut again. He makes his way over to the bed, no hesitation when he starts to climb into it with Jungkook. Jungkook scoots over so he can cuddle into the sheets. Taehyung makes himself comfy and then looks into Jungkook’s tired eyes, sighing.
“Jungkook, we’re getting really worried. You’ve been cooped up in here for days, sleeping constantly and only eating when we make you. Is it- do you maybe you need to visit a doctor?”
Jungkook exhales shakily and shakes his head, hating himself for causing so much worry and for making such a scene.
“I…I’ll be fine. I’m just…” he trails off.
Taehyung waits patiently. Jungkook shakes his head.
“I can’t- I don’t know,” he says wetly.
Taehyung blinks, expression filled with worry. He reaches out and pulls Jungkook into a hug.
“Please promise to tell us whatever you need? You know we love you right?” he says.
Jungkook sniffles and nods into Taehyung’s shoulder.
“I know. I love you, too.”
Taehyung gives him a squeeze and holds him close. They stay like that for a while, Taehyung starting to murmur little anecdotes about his week to fill the silence. Jungkook listens quietly, liking the comforting and familiar low register of Taehyung’s voice.
“Jimin and I went grocery shopping earlier. We’re going to make dinner tonight. We asked Yoongi to come over and help but part of me thinks he just accepted for a free dinner. Oh and we found this new…”
Jungkook stops listening. Body going rigid at hearing Yoongi’s name. Taehyung doesn’t seem to notice, continuing on with his rambles.
“Yoongi will be h-here? Tonight?” he interrupts.
Taehyung pulls away to look at him, hearing the tenseness in his voice.
“Yeah? Is that- is there something wrong with that?” he questions gently.
Jungkook shakes his head quickly.
“N-no. I was just-surprised. I don’t know why. No big deal,” he says quickly.
Taehyung looks like he wants to question him more but thankfully doesn’t.
“Want to come down? You don’t even have to do anything! Just join us,” he says hopefully.
Jungkook chews on his lip. Seeing Yoongi is not something he feels like doing.
“Maybe,” he answers noncommittally.
But Taehyung accepts and nods. He talks for a little bit more before saying he needs to go downstairs and help Jimin start preparing. He gives Jungkook one last squeeze before climbing out of bed. He walks to the door, turning back around before he leaves.
“We’ll be downstairs. Join us whenever. Even if it’s just for a little bit,” he says with a comforting smile.
Jungkook nods. Taehyung leaves and Jungkook hides in his covers again. He finds himself questioning why Yoongi would want to be at his apartment. Then feels guilty and stupid when he realizes how cynical he’s being. Jimin and Taehyung are Yoongi’s friends too. He was invited and has every right to accept the invitation. And it just wouldn’t be like Yoongi to have ulterior motives. No, it’s just Jungkook’s dark thoughts taking over, throwing ugly shadows over things and people that don’t deserve them.
He makes himself doze off again for a little bit, a short respite from his thoughts. Cruel irony that it’s his mind that forces him awake again. He sighs into the darkness. His ears start to pick up the murmur of voices downstairs. The occasional sound of laughter and clink of pans. They're not being loud, it’s just so eerily silent in his room. The only thing too loud are his thoughts, making him feel crushed under their weight.
Should he go downstairs? See how Yoongi acts around him? He knows for a fact that he saw the two of them. Saw them kissing. At least Jungkook knows that part is completely out in the open. It’s the rest that scares him now. What is Yoongi thinking about the two of them? Does he think Jungkook is a bad person? The thought makes Jungkook cower down into his blankets again. It also holds up a mirror to things that he does not want to face. One of those being himself.
That question that has hovered over his being since this all started claws its way in. Is he a bad person? Images of Namjoon fill his mind, awash in hues of deep corals, fuchsias, violets. Colors of love. They start to become muted and stained when he thinks about the deep rooted issue with all of this that Namjoon and him have been carefully ignoring. The person that they have been ignoring. A cold dread runs through him.
He knows the answer. He is a bad person. Namjoon could have continued on happy and oblivious if Jungkook had just continued on like he was. In love but working hard to make sure that love was hidden. Only letting it out in small bursts when he felt like no one was paying attention.
A new fear creeps its way down Jungkook’s spine. Has he ruined Namjoon’s life? He was doing so well. So well without Jungkook and his feelings for him. He breathes out shakily, a fresh wave of tears making their way down his face. This is all his fault. Why couldn’t he have just kept on pretending. He had been doing it successfully for so long. Had learned to live without Namjoon in that way.
But Namjoon had kissed him back. Sought him out. Talked to him and held him. Made love to him. And it had all felt so intoxicatingly good. Knowing, that in some capacity, Namjoon wanted him back. Even now, he can almost feel Namjoon’s fingertips ghosting over his skin. Can feel his lips. How good they felt on him. It made ignoring everything else so much easier than it should have been. But seeing Yoongi, a reminder of reality in the fantasy space they had co-created, had made everything come crashing down.
The thought of seeing Yoongi’s face again makes a cold anxiety seep into his bloodstream. He thinks back to the way Yoongi had looked at them. Blank. Unsettlingly blank. He’s never seen Yoongi look at any of them like that. He sighs. Feels like he’s dragged yet another person into a mess that they don’t belong in.
Would Yoongi tell anyone? He doesn’t think so but that doesn’t give him much relief. All the dissecting and wondering starts to give him another headache. He winces and tries massaging at his temple.
Another deep breath. Slowly, he pushes the covers off. His legs swing off the bed, feet landing on the floor. It should feel grounding but it just makes him apprehensive. The floor feels like it’s going to fall out from under him rather than keep him upright and steady. He makes himself stand anyway, legs feeling like lead as he forces one foot in front of the other.
His hand hovers over the handle. How easy would it still be to just crawl back into bed again. He shakes his head at himself. He needs to suck it up. The door cracks open and he peers out. The voices are louder without the barrier of the wood. They sound pleasant. Jungkook would be smiling at hearing them if he wasn’t so nervous and scared.
He slowly shuffles out into the hall and down the stairs. The thought that he must look awful with bedhead, wrinkled clothes and raw eyes crosses his mind but it’s too late now. He crosses silently over to the kitchen. Jimin sees him first, standing awkwardly at the doorway.
“Hey, you’re up!” he exclaims, crossing the counter to scoop Jungkook into a hug.
Jungkook tries to smile back but it comes out more like a grimace. Taehyung hugs him next, Jungkook managing a soft pat on his back. His eyes finally land on Yoongi and he tenses. Yoongi’s expression surprises him. It's a controlled look but his brows are creased and his eyes blink in concern.
“Are you okay?” Yoongi asks slowly.
Taehyung turns back to look at Yoongi, arm still holding Jungkook’s.
“He’s been sick,” he explains.
“But is maybe feeling a little better?” he asks, looking back over at Jungkook.
Jungkook shrugs, tearing his eyes away from Yoongi to look down at his socked feet.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Yoongi says quietly.
“He’ll feel better after our cooking,” Jimin says knowingly, starting up again on the vegetables he was chopping.
“Want some tea?” Taehyung asks, pointing at the kettle already on the stove.
Jungkook nods weakly. Their tiny kitchen barely holds three, let alone four. He steps to the other side of the counter, out of the way. He can feel Yoongi’s eyes on him. Glances over to see Yoongi look back down at the meat he was seasoning.
Taehyung hands him a steaming mug. He and Jimin fall into cheerful conversation again. Jungkook takes a sip from the mug that scalds his tongue. Tries to listen but can’t make his mind focus on what they’re saying. He notices Yoongi seems extremely focused on what he’s doing, only occasionally joining in on the conversation when Taehyung pokes him. They make eye contact a couple more times, both breaking it immediately each time.
The three of them work while Jungkook nurses his tea, feeling guilty for not helping but not wanting to get in the way. The room starts to fill with food smells. Even though he hadn’t felt hungry before, Jungkook’s stomach starts to grumble. Jimin giggles and reaches out to give his arm a squeeze.
“Should be ready soon,” he says.
Jungkook nods, embarrassed at his loud stomach.
“Want to eat at the table or in the living room?” Taehyung asks the three of them.
Yoongi and Jungkook shrug indifferently.
“Living room? Keep it casual?” Jimin asks, looking around.
They all nod in agreement.
“I-I’ll go clear the coffee table,” Jungkook mumbles, needing something, no matter how small, to do to help.
Jimin gives him a smile as he leaves his mug in the sink and goes into the living room. He busies himself clearing books, remotes and charging cords off the table. Carefully places Taehyung’s camera back in its case and takes it to his room.
When he comes back downstairs, Jimin and Yoongi are bringing in pots of food. They set them on the table just as Tae appears with four bottles of beer.
“You want one?” he asks Jungkook.
“Sure,” Jungkook murmurs.
Taehyung grins, pleased at the acceptance. They all start to settle in, Jimin making sure Jungkook’s plate is piled high with everything.
“I’m sorry I didn’t help,” Jungkook says quietly.
Jimin and Taehyung shake their heads immediately.
“Don’t apologize! We’re just glad to see you out of bed. I was wondering if maybe you got something when you were visiting your brother last weekend?” Jimin asks around a mouthful of noodles.
Jungkook’s body stiffens. He tries hard not to look over at Yoongi. Can’t help when his eyes waver over to him anyway. Yoongi has that blank look on his face again. Just like last time, Jungkook swallows hard. Wishes he were somewhere else. This was a mistake. He should have never shown his face tonight. He tries to decide if he should just tell them he’s lost his appetite. Realizes that will just cause another wave of worry from Jimin and Taehyung. He picks up his beer and takes a swig. With the taste of alcohol on his tongue, he finally makes himself speak.
“Yeah, maybe,” he replies.
He knows Jimin and Taehyung will notice if he’s not eating so he starts. It’s the first substantial meal he’s had in days. The food feels good going into his body, making his mind start to calm just a little bit. It doesn’t last long.
“How is he by the way?” Jimin asks.
Jungkook doesn’t realize the question is for him until he glances up and sees Jimin looking at him expectantly.
“W-who?”
Jungkook’s heart races nervously but Jimin just rolls his eyes with a laugh.
“Your brother. Who else?”
Jungkook gulps.
“O-oh. Yeah. Sorry. He-he’s fine,” he answers haltingly.
“What did you guys do?” Jimin continues, oblivious to Jungkook’s discomfort.
Jungkook puts his spoon down. He chews his lip and wipes his palms on his sweats uneasily.
“I just- I mean- we just…umm just-”
“Hey Jimin, are you sure you boiled the noodles long enough?” Yoongi’s voice cuts in.
Jungkook blinks while Jimin turns to Yoongi, aghast at the accusation.
“How dare you!” he exclaims.
Yoongi chuckles while Jimin starts to go on a rant about their equal cooking skills. Taehyung laughs and they all start yet another argument about who the best cook in the group is.
Jungkook is still trying to understand what just happened. Did Yoongi just distract Jimin from questioning him? He peers at Yoongi to see if he can see anything that will tell him. Yoongi feels eyes on him and looks over. His expression is neutral but he gives Jungkook a shrug. Looks away again after a moment.
Jungkook looks down at his lap, mind starting to feel like it’s going to overheat. Yoongi had just saved him from Jimin. But why? It’s not something he was expecting at all. Maybe this means Yoongi doesn’t hate him. It gives Jungkook a tiny morsel of hopefulness.
He continues to eat in silence, not ready to laugh along with the banter that is happening around him. Jimin and Taehyung let him be, don’t ask anymore questions. The food starts to dwindle until there’s only a couple cold vegetables left. Taehyung stands and stretches, Jimin following.
“We’ll clean up, you guys relax,” Jimin says.
“I don’t mind helping-” Yoongi tries, Jungkook nodding to show he doesn’t either.
“It’s fine! You’re our guest and Jungkook is still in recovery,” Jimin says.
“Guest? Okay, you’ve definitely demanded I help with clean up before,” Yoongi points out with a raised eyebrow.
Jimin picks up their plates and spins around dramatically.
“I guess I’m just feeling extra nice tonight. Even after your undercooked noodle accusation,” he says, glaring at Yoongi.
Yoongi chuckles and holds up his hands to show defeat. Jimin grins victoriously and follows Taehyung to the kitchen.
Silence after the two of them leave. Jungkook and Yoongi are alone now and of course it’s silent. Jungkook wrings his hands in his lap, body starting to become a mass of anxiety and nerves. He doesn’t look up, scared that Yoongi will already be looking at him with a judgemental eye now that they are alone. What if Yoongi-
His spiraling thoughts are interrupted when Yoongi clears his throat.
“Jungkook, chill out. I can practically smell the gears in your head overheating,” Yoongi grumbles.
Jungkook's eyes widen and his gaze snaps to Yoongi. His voice alone is enough to have Jungkook almost tipping over in the corner of the couch he’s balled himself into. He swallows and nods.
“S-sorry,” he mumbles.
Yoongi sighs heavily. He looks back towards the kitchen. Checking.
“Look, I didn’t come here tonight to make you feel uncomfortable,” he says.
Jungkook chews his lips and picks at his hoodie sleeve.
“If you want, I will leave tonight and continue to act like nothing happened,” he adds.
Jungkook’s heart trembles at the stark words. Part of him wants to accept the out, avoid talking about this. But he knows that will do nothing for him, just continue to make him worry and come up with his own dark conclusions.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats.
“You’re sorry?” Yoongi tilts his head.
“That you saw…us. To put you in this position,” Jungkook whispers.
There. It’s out in the open. Yoongi sighs again.
“You and Namjoon…” he trails off.
He rubs his hand over his face and looks over at Jungkook in concern.
“This is none of my business but I’m going to ask it anyway. I’m assuming it’s already gone further than some experimental kissing? Judging by the reaction from both of you,” Yoongi asks.
Jungkook feels his face redden and he looks away. His silence answers the question.
“Right, I sorta figured,” Yoongi says.
He rubs his temple and stares at the t.v. even though there’s nothing on the screen. He stays like that for a while, eyes getting lost in the dark void of the black screen. Jungkook glances over at it too, wishes that void would swallow him up and deposit him in a universe where he hasn’t made such a mess of things. Yoongi finally speaks again.
“Namjoon doesn’t cheat, you know,” he says.
Jungkook looks back over at him. His brows crease, unsure what Yoongi is trying to convey to him. Yoongi glances at him and sees the confusion.
“I’ve known Namjoon for a long time. I know what kind of person he is. The types of things he would and wouldn’t do. Hurting people he cares about isn’t one of them. Making decisions he knows will have painful consequences isn’t one of them.”
Jungkook digs his nails into his palm. Can feel tears wanting to leak out of the corners of his eyes. He covers his mouth with his hand to keep his cries in.
“Jungkook, I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I’m telling you this because…because it’s so out of character for Namjoon. It makes me wonder if he…” Yoongi trails off, eyes squinting at Jungkook in thought.
Jungkook wants to ask him what it makes him wonder but he’s scared to uncover his mouth. Yoongi sits up straighter and moves to face Jungkook head on.
“Jungkook, I know you too. And something tells me…that this is more than a fun, forbidden hookup for you. That’s not you.”
Jungkook can’t hold them in any longer. The tears start to fall freely down his face. He thinks that maybe after letting a few out, they’ll stop. But they don’t. And he feels so pathetic and stupid, crying in front of Yoongi like this over a situation that he has created himself. He wipes his hoodie sleeve harshly over his eyes but the tears just won’t stop. His vision blurs and he feels his cheeks starting to sting with the salt.
Then the couch sinks down next to him. He’s surprised when he feels Yoongi wrap a comforting arm around him. He falls easily into Yoongi’s shoulder, tears hitting Yoongi’s t-shirt. After being alone and in a headspace that makes him feel hopeless, it feels good to be held. Especially by one of the people he was worrying about.
They stay like that, Yoongi rubbing his shoulder and waiting patiently for Jungkook to calm down. A few more tears fall out of him before Jungkook sighs wetly. He licks his lips. They taste like salt. Like the ocean water that he’s been under. Unable to breath but blissfully ignoring it.
“I’m…in love with him,” he whispers.
The words feel like a rope loosening. It makes nothing right. Everything is still a tangled mess of roses with thorns that have already pricked him, left him bloodied even with their beauty. But it’s still a relief. After all this time, to finally voice out loud his heart’s truth.
“Does he know?” Yoongi asks gently.
Another silence that answers his question.
“You need to talk to him, Jungkook.”
Jungkook inhales shakily.
“I’m scared,” he admits in a tremble.
“And you’ll keep being scared forever if you don’t talk to him. Figure out what...what this means for the both of you,” Yoongi says firmly but with not bite.
“I know,” Jungkook murmurs.
He sits up and wipes his eyes. Shrinks in on himself again.
“You-do you think I’m a terrible person?” he whispers, a fresh set of tears starting to burn his eyes.
Yoongi reaches out and takes his hand and gives it a squeeze.
“No, Kook. I don’t think you’re a terrible person. I could never think that. I think you’ve found yourself in a complicated situation that is going to require communication and repair. For everyone involved.”
Jungkook sniffles. Everyone. He knows what Yoongi is inferring without saying names directly.
“You’re being too nice,” he sighs.
Yoongi leans back and raises an eyebrow.
“Oh, you’d rather I be mean?”
Jungkook shakes his head immediately.
“No. Please,” he says with wide eyes.
His words and reaction make Yoongi laugh gently. The sound is nice to Jungkook’s ears. A tiny smile crosses his face. Yoongi gives his shoulder one last squeeze.
“You’ll be okay. No matter what. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for,” he says.
Jungkook doesn’t know if he believes that part but it’s still good to hear. Before he can reply, they both hear voices that start to get louder. Jimin and Taehyung burst back into the room, giggling about something. Jungkook stiffens, not wanting them to notice that anything is wrong. He turns his head, subtly dragging his sleeve over his damp eyes again. He hopes that does enough to not raise any questions. Yoongi gives him a sympathetic look when he turns back but doesn’t say or show anything else. Taehyung plops down on the couch with them while Jimin takes the armchair.
“Do you guys want to watch a movie or something? Or is it too late?” Jimin asks, directing the last part at Yoongi.
Yoongi checks his watch and shrugs.
“I can watch for a little bit,” he replies.
Jimin nods with a smile and retrieves the remote from where Jungkook had set it aside. The three of them start to chat again while Jimin flips through netflix. Jungkook picks at his nails, not really feeling like watching anything but also not wanting to be rude. Especially after the three of them cooked all the food that he just ate.
The three of them squabble about what to watch while Jungkook only half listens. They finally settle on some movie they’ve all seen ten times before. The opening credits start to roll across the screen and Jungkook is already distracted. His conversation with Yoongi replays in his mind. He feels the slightest bit better knowing that Yoongi hasn’t been going through life thinking badly of him. But only one of his problems has been solved. Because he knows that Yoongi is right. He needs to talk to Namjoon. He’s known for a while. It was just so much easier to hide from everything. To continue hiding the truth as long as he had Namjoon. Even if the definition of them was one that didn’t make sense. One that had undefined lines and confusing wording that explained nothing.
He sinks down further into the couch, not paying any attention to what is on the screen. He wonders what Namjoon is doing right now. Is he with her? Probably. Is he thinking about him while he’s with her? The thought makes Jungkook’s heart foolishly stutter. He chews on his lip. No. He wants Namjoon to be thinking about him while he’s with him. It’s selfish, he knows that. But old habits and all that bullshit.
Before he knows it, the ending credits are playing. He blinks in surprise, trying to figure out if they actually did watch the entire movie without him realizing. He glances over at Yoongi and sees he’s fallen asleep with his head on Tae’s shoulder. Tae looks over at him and grins. He moves carefully to look at Jimin.
“Quick, take a picture before he wakes up or he’ll swear this never happened,” he whispers loudly.
Jimin giggles conspiratorially and whips out his phone. He clicks a couple of pictures while Jungkook tries to laugh along with them. Taehyung’s shoulder starts to shake so much from the giggling that Yoongi’s eyes squint open. He blinks and then realizes the three of them are looking at him. He clears his throat and pushes himself off of Tae’s shoulder.
“Well, I’d better get going,” he gruffs out.
Jimin and Taehyung break out into loud laughter. Yoongi grumbles some more as he stands.
“It was an honor to be your pillow,” Taehyung teases in a mock serious voice, giving him a salute.
Yoongi rolls his eyes.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answers curtly.
“Oh yes you do,” Jimin giggles, waving his phone in Yoongi’s face.
Yoongi’s eyes widen when he sees the photos but then he schools his expression into a neutral one. He makes his way towards their front door, Jimin and Taehyung teasing continuously while he puts his jacket on. Jungkook stands too, unsure what to do through all the commotion. He takes a couple of steps towards the door, wondering when he’ll feel like laughing and having fun again. He feels like such a buzzkill but he can’t bring himself to join in on the antics that he normally would.
Yoongi glances over at his awkward stance just outside the three of them. Jungkook sees him sigh in understanding. Yoongi throws his arm around his shoulders and gives him a gentle pat on the back. Jungkook gives him a small smile and nod. Yoongi clears his throat again and makes to open the door.
“Hey, why don’t we get hugs!” Taehyung exclaims with a pout.
Yoongi narrows his eyes.
“He didn’t take blackmail photos of me. Plus, he’s sick. He needs good vibes or whatever,” Yoongi explains in a huff.
Tae opens his arms widely and moves slowly towards Yoongi with a grin on his face. Yoongi pushes him away while Tae giggles.
“I’ll see you guys later,” Yoongi says, letting an amused grin cross his face for a moment.
He gives them one last wave and then slips out the door. Jimin and Taehyung are still laughing, starting to discuss when they think the best time to use the photo will be. Jimin looks over at Jungkook and his eyes soften.
“Tired?” he asks, reaching over to give Jungkook’s arm a squeeze.
“Yeah, just…yeah,” he answers slowly, mind already wandering back to everything he needs to face.
“Go back up and rest. And let either of us know if you need anything,” Jimin says with Taehyung nodding sympathetically behind him.
Jungkook smiles softly and nods.
“Thank you for dinner. And for…everything,” he murmurs.
He pulls them both into a gentle hug he hopes conveys at least some of his appreciation for them. They all hold each other close for a moment. When Jungkook pulls away, he doesn’t miss the questioning look in Jimin’s eyes. But Jimin doesn’t say anything, just smiles and gives his hair a ruffle.
Jungkook makes his way back upstairs, already lost in thought again. Once he reaches his room, he sighs heavily as he closes the door behind him and leans on the wood. His mind flashes back to the times Namjoon had been in this room with him. Sitting on the bed with him when they had kissed for the second time. Standing at the door with him when they both admitted to wanting something beyond friendship. Being in his bed while Namjoon touched him. Goosebumps erupt over his skin. He brings his fingertips to his lips like he’s done so many times before. Even after everything, he still craves those kisses.
He manages to unglue himself from the door. Climbing into bed, he lets the softness of his comforter cocoon and comfort him. He tries to get his mind to settle, hopes sleep will overtake him and give him a reprieve from his fatigued brain.
He lets the darkness of the room soften his strained eyes and then closes them, trying to make sleep happen. He takes a few deep breaths, hoping that will do something. His brows crease when a bright light breaks through the thin skin of his eyelids. Blinking his eyes opens, he looks around for the intrusion. His eyes land on his phone. The screen is lit up with a new message. Sighing, his distracted mind makes him reach over to the nightstand to click the phone back to off. But then his eyes land on the screen. And he sees the name he’s so desperately been wanting to see.
His eyes widen and he gasps softly into the darkness. He sits up and holds his phone, staring down at it in disbelief. His heart starts to race. He waits for a moment before opening the message. Nerves at what Namjoon has sent him start to mix in with the initial elation at seeing Namjoon’s name. But he has to know. Will always need to know the words that Namjoon chooses to share with him. Exhaling shakily, he presses the message to open it.
Joon: I’m sorry.
I miss you.
So much.
Jungkook reads and rereads the three sentences so many times, his eyes start to blur the words together. The seven words float around on a canvas of feelings in his mind as he falls asleep with his phone still propped up in his hand, screen permanently opened to Namjoon’s message. So much. That’s how Jungkook feels too. So much. Feels everything so much.
When he wakes next, his eyes blink open to his phone only inches away from his face. He swallows, the memories of last night flooding back to his brain. His talk with Yoongi, the baring of emotions that he had kept hidden for so long. Namjoon’s message.
He had wanted so badly to receive some, any, kind of correspondence from Namjoon. But now that he has, he doesn’t know how to respond. He’s scared if he starts typing a message, he won’t be able to stop. And he doesn’t want to try and explain all of his complicated feelings to Namjoon through text.
Sighing, he sits up in bed. He reads the message again even though the words are now charred into his mind. He chews at a loose cuticle on his thumbnail while his brain whirs and tries to come up with what to say. He doesn’t even notice when he ends up ripping the cuticle more until a small drop of copper hits his tongue. He pulls his hand away and winces, looking down to see the small trickle of blood on his skin.
The blood reminds him of Namjoon. Scarlett liquid that tastes sweet but foreign because it’s not a taste that belongs. It’s his but not. It’s a taste that lets him know he’s alive but also sets off alarm bells that act as a warning. A warning that he has been ignoring. But, just like the way his blood and bones are part of him, it feels like Namjoon is also. And just like the blood that pumps through his veins, so does Namjoon. Instead of marrow in his bones, it’s Namjoon.
Jungkook thinks back to what Yoongi had told him. You’ll keep being scared forever if you don’t talk to him. He takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to be scared anymore. It’s exhausting. And it’s just starting to hurt more and more. Deep cuts and bruises that he can no longer hide with invisible bandages. His thumbs start to move slowly over the keyboard as he types his reply.
Jungkook: I miss you too.
So much.
Can we talk?
His heart jumps a mile when his phone starts to vibrate with an incoming call. He stares down at it with wide eyes, not believing it’s Namjoon even though his name is printed across the screen. He swallows. All the things he wants to share with Namjoon are not fully formed in his mind yet. He’s not ready. But he doesn’t want to ignore the call. Not when even the thought of hearing Namjoon’s voice makes his stupid heart flutter. He connects the call and slowly brings the phone up.
There are no greetings once Jungkook presses the phone to his ear. A loud silence of unspoken words fills his head. He hears Namjoon breathing on the other side of the line. A small reassurance that Namjoon is really there. That Jungkook isn’t having a too real dream. Finally, Namjoon’s deep voice seeps into his ear.
“Thank you for answering. I-I…don’t deserve it,” Namjoon murmurs.
Jungkook takes a deep breath before replying.
“I’ll always want to answer for you,” he whispers, already too open and honest.
Another span of silence. Jungkook wishes he could see Namjoon’s face.
“I’m so sorry,” Namjoon sighs out in a shaky voice.
The words feel heavy. Piled up meanings behind them. Jungkook chews on his lip, eyes already blinking quickly to hold back tears that want to break through.
“I am too,” he says, just as shakily.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Jungkook.”
Jungkook shakes his head.
“No, I…I do. I…”
He inhales deeply.
“Can I- can we talk? In person? I need to see you,” he says, trying to keep the tremble out of his voice.
“Need to see you too. When?” Namjoon replies quietly.
Jungkook tries to make his brain work, tries to think if Jimin and Tae mentioned last night what they were doing today. He sits up straighter when his memory defogs and he remembers.
“This evening? The apartment will be empty. They’re going to a movie.”
“Okay. This evening,” Namjoon repeats.
The words hang in the air. Jungkook knows they are both thinking how soon that sounds and feels. That they are both overthinking what the other is going to say.
“I guess I’ll see you then,” Namjoon adds after a moment.
“Okay,” Jungkook murmurs.
He doesn’t want to hang up the phone but doesn’t want to risk just spilling his heart out right now with unprepared and unthought out words.
“Jungkook?” Namjoon says softly.
Jungkook’s chest expands at the tone.
“Yes?”
“Thank you,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook’s brows furrow.
‘“F-for what?”
“For letting me get to know you.”
Jungkook feels the first tears of the day gather at the corners of his eyes. He remembers. All those weeks ago. Their first meeting in the coffee shop. The feelings of a changed relationship so fresh. It feels like a lifetime ago and like it just happened yesterday. Jungkook remembers the smell of coffee beans, the bell above the door, the foam of his latte. But most of all, he remembers Namjoon’s words.
“Would you let me get to know you, Jungkook?”
A sigh laced with wetness that he doesn’t want Namjoon to hear leaves his lips. He doesn’t want Namjoon to know how easily tears bubble out and break through the surface lately.
Is this the start of a goodbye? Even though they just agreed to see each other later, is Namjoon getting a start on softening the blow of rejection? The thought makes Jungkook want to wilt into nothingness while also simultaneously wanting to burst with the blazing crimson of his emotions.
“I…thank you too,” he finally manages to answer.
Namjoon hums softly in acknowledgment.
“See you soon, okay?”
“Okay,” Jungkook whispers.
The call ends and the phone falls from Jungkook’s hand onto the soft covers. He sits in silence before the tears break through their fleeting forced wall. He’s so tired of crying but he can’t help it. It’s like all the words he’s wanted to say over the years have culminated into a never ending supply of tears that constantly need to be shed.
He buries down into his comforter and cries softly. He feels like the salt from his tears must be leaving a permanent sharpness to his skin. His fingers reach over to his other arm, tracing over the ink. He thinks back to Namjoon doing the same. Remembering their first coffee shop meeting makes him think of all the other intense memories they have created in a short span of time. The kissing, the sex, the talking. The overwhelming emotions that each of them were feeling with and without the other knowing.
Jungkook takes a deep breath, hoping that will ground him a little. He reaches over to his nightstand for his headphones. Settling them over his ears, he starts them up and scrolls on his phone for his music. He finds a calm playlist and starts playing it, looking up at the ceiling. It’s inevitable that he will start playing his Namjoon playlist at some point but he can pretend for a little bit. But as he listens, even this music reminds him of Namjoon.
That’s one thing about being in love. Everything reminds him of Namjoon. Everything. Not just things that are blatantly or mildly related to him, but things that have nothing to do with him. It’s strange but Jungkook’s sort of just accepted it at this point. That his internal compass will also point to Namjoon.
He lets the music blare from the headphones into his ears. Lets his thoughts float away on the notes and bass of the music. He gets lost in it, letting song after song after song play. Some of the songs lull him to a very light sleep that breaks with the next song.
Before he knows it, it’s well into the day. Sighing, he shuts off the headphones. He needs to think. Needs to think about what he’s going to say to Namjoon. His eyes start to widen slowly. He’s going to see Namjoon. And Namjoon is going to see him. It’s so silly but he doesn’t want to look like this when they talk. He doesn’t want to confess a years-long love in week old sweats and dirty hair.
Kicking off the covers he's been living in for the past week, he climbs out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom determinedly. He makes a point of avoiding the mirror for now. Doesn’t feel like seeing the tear stains and puffiness that he knows are there.
Making a beeline for the shower, he turns the water to almost scalding hot. Like the hot water will help shed him of his current state and make him brave enough for what is to come. He strips out of his sweats and steps under the water, muscles tensing at the heat that hits his skin.
He just stands for a moment, letting his body acclimate to the temperature. Then he starts to soap and scrub. Perhaps being a little rougher with the loofah than he needs to be but it feels necessary for whatever reason. He lets the scent of his favorite shampoo fill his nose, the suds running down his neck. It reminds him of the times he’s showered with Namjoon. He blushes. Even after everything, it still feels unbelievable that he’s seen Namjoon naked. That he’s been inside Namjoon. That Namjoon’s been inside him. His blush deepens and he shivers despite the hot water.
He shakes his head, attempting to clear it. He doesn’t want to start getting hard. He entertains the thought of rubbing one off quickly in the shower but it makes him feel guilty. Getting off to Namjoon so soon before they need to have such an important talk. A talk that may just leave him worse off than he’s already been. That sobers him and he sighs. Finishing his shower, he turns off the water and steps out.
Wrapping a towel around his waist, he steps over to the mirror. Wiping away the steam, he looks at himself for the first time in a week. He doesn’t know why he’s surprised to see that he doesn’t look like a completely different person. His cheeks are a little red from the irritation of rubbing them and he has a bit of darkness under his eyes but that’s it. This past week had made him feel so out of sorts, he thought surely his look would match.
He tilts his head from side to side, making sure. Filling his lungs with air, he exhales deeply. Squaring his shoulders, he stares at his reflection.
“I can do this. I can tell him,” he says out loud to himself.
“I love him,” he adds quietly.
He feels and sees his shoulders drop. But how does he tell him? He’s not good with words like Namjoon is. And there’s so much to say. So much he needs Namjoon to know and hopefully understand.
He brushes his teeth and as he leaves the bathroom, starts to go over a mental checklist of what he wants to say. He knows it’s foolish. That there’s a chance he’ll see Namjoon and just blurt out something stupid. But he’s going to try. For Namjoon and for himself, he needs to try and weave his words together carefully. Show and explain the things he’s kept hidden from Namjoon.
He goes to his closet and pulls out a gray t-shirt and a pair of soft, black pants. He knows it doesn’t really matter how he’s dressed but this feels better than the uniform of old sweats that he’s been wearing.
He looks in his bedroom mirror now to check his reflection again. Nothing new. He runs a hand through his damp hair that is starting to dry with a soft wave. Grabbing his moisturizer from his desk, he carefully pats some into his sensitive cheeks and temples. The cream feels cool and soothing as it sets in. He messes with his hair a little bit more.
It’s such a small thing but it feels good to get ready. Deciding it can’t hurt, he adds a pair of small hoops and digs out one of his perfumes with a warm, sweet cotton scent. The spray falls onto his skin and he inhales deeply to get a lungful of the sweetness.
When he’s done, he sits on the edge of his bed with his phone. Opening it, he rereads Namjoon’s message. I’m sorry. The words send a hurt pang through his chest even though he knows they both do have things to be sorry about.
He sighs as his thumb hovers over his screen. Slowly, he starts to scroll up. Sees the past messages they have sent each other. His face breaks into a soft smile at seeing the past hearts, sweet words and photos. He scrolls until he sees the picture of the pretty, blue sky taken from Namjoon’s office window. He swallows. That was the same day he ran into Dae. She had been so nice. Has always been so nice, even in the beginning when Jungkook was so shy and jealous and only gave her questions one word answers. He wonders if Namjoon ever noticed.
Falling back onto the bed, he stares up at the ceiling again. Partially built sentences and thoughts float through his mind. His brain is still working to come up with the best way to word emotions and feelings he’s taught himself to ignore and hide. He reaches over to trace his tattoos.
His ears strain when he thinks he hears voices and movement downstairs. The voices are a quiet murmur but definitely still there. Listening carefully, he waits for the sound. Minutes pass and then hears it. The sound of the front door closing behind them as they leave.
Silence again. There’s been so much silence lately, Jungkook feels like his ears are starting to ring from it. He takes a deep breath and sits up. Picking up his phone again, he opens it. Shakily, he starts to type to Namjoon.
Jungkook: They’re gone
Not a minute later and Namjoon is texting back.
Joon: Be right there.
No hearts this time.
Jungkook stays glued to his bed for a little longer. Needing the comfort of his room for just a couple more moments. It feels like going downstairs is the beginning of the end or something close to it. He wishes he could just invite Namjoon up to his room instead. Wishes they could just crawl in his bed and hold each other. No complicated words needing to be spoken between them. No trying to explain emotions and feelings because just being held by the other would be enough. Jungkook hates that it can’t be that simple but knows they are both to blame for not making it simple.
A couple more minutes of hiding in his room and finally, he starts to make his way downstairs. Feet heavy as they descend the stairs one slow step at a time. He steps into the living room and looks around. Should he play some music to fill the silence? He decides against it. Doesn’t want Namjoon to think he’s not taking this seriously.
He sits down on the edge of the armchair, hands wringing nervously in his lap. He tries to take some deep breaths but they come out shaky and shallow. His heart is beating so fast, it feels like there’s a chance it could literally beat out of him.
He practically jumps out of his skin when the buzz of the doorbell rings throughout the apartment. Standing quickly, he tries to collect himself. All his nerves are on edge in a way that makes everything seem to move too fast and too slow at the same time.
He makes himself put one foot in front of the other to the door. One more deep breath that does nothing. Staring at the white paint of the door, he carefully unlocks and opens the door. It seems to open in slow motion, Jungkook unable to make his eyes move to where he knows Namjoon’s will be.
He finds himself staring at Namjoon’s chest. It makes him think about what’s below the skin and muscle there. Namjoon’s heart that he wants to reach out and touch. He wants to be able to feel that beat again under his fingertips.
“Kook…” Namjoon finally whispers, trailing off.
Jungkook swallows at hearing his voice in person again after everything. That deep, honey voice that has visited him in his dreams so many times. He feels dumb but he still can’t make himself look into Namjoon’s eyes. Taking a step back, he widens the door and steps aside for Namjoon to enter.
Namjoon walks in tentatively, unsure how to react to Jungkook’s silence. Biting down on his lip, Jungkook quietly closes the door behind them. Namjoon doesn’t walk further into the apartment, awkwardly glued in place. When Jungkook turns around from the door, his eyes travel over the tensed muscles of Namjoon’s back. Jungkook’s hands flex and clench at the want to touch. To just touch and let that be enough.
With slow steps, Jungkook makes himself leave the door. He walks a couple paces past Namjoon, deeper into the apartment. He turns back around to face him. His gaze slowly travels from Namjoon’s chest up to his eyes. The moment their eyes lock, Jungkook feels like he’s swept under the waves again. But this time it’s different. This time he knows. Knows that he has little time left to keep breathing.
Namjoon stares back at him. His hand moves from his side, like it wants to reach out for Jungkook. Jungkook wants him to. Namjoon takes a small step closer to him. He gives a small nod, trying to let Namjoon know it’s okay. Another step and Jungkook can’t take it anymore. His own arms start to reach out and Namjoon closes the space between them in seconds.
Namjoon’s arms envelop him and it feels so good Jungkook wants to cry in bone deep relief. His own arms wrap around Namjoon’s neck, holding him close. Chest to chest, heart to heart. It’s all he wants. He inhales shakily, arms tightening around Namjoon and not wanting to let him go. Maybe if he presses in hard enough, he can sink permanently into Namjoon’s heart. And they can stay together because they are a part of each other. Fusion of two beings.
He feels Namjoon’s hold reach through all the layers of his skin. So warm and gentle that Jungkook feels like he could float away. The moments pass as they stay weaved into each other’s arms. Jungkook breathes in deeply from his place in Namjoon’s neck, letting the familiar scent of Namjoon permeate his senses. He feels like he needs to remember every little thing about the man in front of him because he doesn’t know what’s next. The thought makes him hold on even tighter.
More deliberate moments of silence pass, just the sound of their breathing echoing in Jungkook’s mind as they adhere to each other. Jungkook lets his lungs fill with Namjoon with each breath.
Still holding Jungkook’s waist with one hand, Namjoon puts a small amount of space between them so he can look at Jungkook. His other hand comes up to cup the side of Jungkook’s face gently. The soft touch makes Jungkook sigh and he blinks up to meet Namjoon’s gaze. As he does, he feels a drop of moisture fall from his eye.
Namjoon’s brows crease at seeing it fall down Jungkook’s cheek. He gingerly swipes his thumb over Jungkook’s skin, wiping away the tear. The soft gesture just makes more tears want to break free.
“S-sorry,” Jungkook whispers, embarrassed at already being so emotional.
Namjoon shakes his head and strokes Jungkook’s cheek again. Jungkook’s eyes close for a moment as his hands fall to Namjoon’s shoulders. If only this was enough. Enough to make them know what each other is thinking without needing words. Words that are difficult to voice because at the end of them, there is just as much room for heartbreak as there is for love.
Jungkook’s lashes flutter over Namjoon’s soft fingertips. Sighing softly, he opens his eyes to take in the pretty sight of Namjoon who’s looking at him carefully. Like he might break if Namjoon looks at him with too much intensity. And Jungkook feels like he just might.
Still pressed so close together, Jungkook is sure Namjoon must feel his breath when he sighs. He wants them to share that breath again. A last effort at being saved from the waves that are starting to burn his lungs. Breathe into each other and know that, somehow, things will be okay. But it’s not that simple. It never was. Another moment and Jungkook gathers up every last bit of courage he has.
“I…I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you sooner. At least, I think I should have. I-I guess I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it would have changed things. But I do want to tell you now. And…I need-” his voice breaks and he exhales shakily, needing to make it through.
“I need you to just listen. Before you say anything, can you listen to what I have to say? Please?” Jungkook begs softly.
Namjoon’s handsome face is still creased with worry but he doesn’t let go.
“Okay. I promise,” he nods.
“Thank you,” Jungkook whispers.
His heart is absolutely thundering in his chest right now. After all these years, this is how it’s going to happen. It’s all so backward. But there’s nothing to do but move forward now. He gives Namjoon’s shoulders a squeeze to make sure this is really happening. That he won’t wake up in his bed to a reality where Namjoon never messaged him. He doesn’t. So he starts.
“Namjoon, I…that night I kissed you? I had wanted to do that for a long time. A really long time. Every time I saw you, I just wanted you to see me too. Just me. And it was so hard when…when you met someone. B-because I wanted to be that someone. But I wanted you to be happy so I just buried it. I came to terms with knowing you would never be interested in me in the way I really wanted. But that night? I don’t know. I couldn’t handle it anymore. And I’m sorry. I really am sorry I couldn’t. And then… so many things I desperately wanted started to happen between us. But I still felt like I was hiding from you. Even though it felt so good, I still wasn’t saying what I really wanted to. And then last weekend happened a-and it wasn’t our secret anymore. But it was still worth it to me, everything, all of it, because…”
He trails off, all the words and emotions he’s just let out making him start to tremble. He hadn’t even noticed more tears had started twin paths down his face. Namjoon is staring at him with an expression he’s never seen before. Listening but looking like he’s not sure he’s hearing correctly. But he stays quiet, just like he promised. Jungkook bites his lip and tastes the salt of his tears.
“Namjoon, I…I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. I-I love you.”
And just like that, after all the years and tears and silence and wanting, it’s out there. No longer living solely in Jungkook’s mind and spoken into the universe with three sentences. Love, love, love.
For a moment, neither of them say anything. Jungkook holds his breath and searches Namjoon’s eyes, looking for a hint to what he’s thinking or feeling. When Namjoon’s eyes drop, they take Jungkook’s heart with them.
Namjoon stares down at their feet, his lashes blinking over the high points of his cheeks. Jungkook feels real panic start to set in when he feels Namjoon’s grip loosening on him. Then Namjoon drops his hands and takes a step back. And Jungkook knows. This was going to go one of two ways. And it’s going the way he was dreading.
“You…what?” Namjoon finally chokes out.
Jungkook swallows back the tightness in his throat.
“I’m in love with you,” he whispers, his own voice sounding foreign to him.
Namjoon looks up at him again, his eyes wide and blinking rapidly. He shakes his head.
“No you’re not. Y-you can’t be,” he whispers hoarsely.
Jungkook blanches and then shrinks back like the words have hit him.
“I-I am, though. I’m sorry but I am. I’m sorry,” he repeats, unable to keep the wetness out of his voice now.
Namjoon shakes his head again. Like he’s trying to erase Jungkook’s words. More tears that Jungkook can’t control start to drop onto his t-shirt.
“That can’t be true. Because that means…that means that I have…no,” Namjoon stammers out, voice becoming strained with emotion.
He starts to look around the apartment wildly, like he’s just realized where he is. His chest expands and his breaths become harsh and shallow. It scares Jungkook. He’s never seen Namjoon like this. Concerned, he takes a step closer.
“Namjoon,” he says quietly.
Namjoon somehow manages to focus on him again when he hears his name. His expression freezes but then crumbles. A single tear falls down his cheek that he rubs away harshly, leaving an angry red mark on his cheek.
“What have I done?” Namjoon whispers.
He buries his face in his hands and takes a shuddery breath.
“I’m so sorry. We shouldn’t have…I should have never done this. I don’t even know if I’m….I don’t know what I was thinking. I must be out of my mind. I-I’m sorry, Jungkook.”
The words feel like yet another hit to Jungkook.
“I started it. I wanted to. Even though we started this the wrong way, I wanted-”
“Stop, Jungkook!” Namjoon yells, lifting his face from his hands.
Jungkook reels back at the harshness. He’s never heard Namjoon yell before. It feels like his insides are starting to crack. One more fracture and they’ll completely shatter.
“You don’t understand, okay? You don’t understand. I’ve just ruined my life.”
And Jungkook starts to shatter. Hot tears flow down his cheeks now. The water fills his lungs as he tries to pull himself to the surface. No more hiding. Now fully aware that he can’t breathe underwater but dragged back down no matter how hard he tries.
A thunder of emotions surges through him. He wants to yell right back at Namjoon. Wants to just cry everything out. Wants to run away from all this. Or maybe rewind and do this better. But the thing he wants most is for Namjoon to love him back. To hold him and love and be with him. He hates himself for how stupid he’s being but he can’t erase years of want.
Namjoon seems to snap back to reality and his own glistening eyes focus on Jungkook’s. His face breaks again and he takes a step back towards Jungkook. A repeat of the dance they did at the train station. His mouth opens but nothing comes out, a torn expression settling deep into his face.
Neither of them notice it until it’s too late. The click of the front door being opened. It swings in and Jungkook peripherally hears Jimin and Taehyung’s voices.
“Why didn’t you check to make sure you had your phone? Now we’re going to miss the…” Jimin trails off.
Taehyung steps in beside him as they both are greeted with the sight of Jungkook and Namjoon staring at each other. Tears are still streaming down Jungkook’s face and he knows his skin must look red and blotchy. Namjoon doesn’t turn to look at them and Jungkook wonders if he even realizes they are no longer alone.
“Are you guys okay? Namjoon, I didn’t know you were coming over…” Jimin trails off again when he steps deeper into the apartment and gets a good look at Jungkook before he can see Namjoon’s face.
“Jungkook, what’s wrong!? What’s going on?” Jimin says, panicked as he rushes over.
“Namjoon?” Tae asks in worry, going to Namjoon as Jimin goes to Jungkook.
Gently, Tae puts a hand on Namjoon’s tense shoulder. The two of them glance back and forth in concern between Jungkook and Namjoon.
Namjoon’s brows furrow and his eyes roam over Jungkook’s face one more time. He finally seems to register that Jimin and Taehyung are now present. He blinks and glances at the two of them and then back at Jungkook.
A small shake of his head and Jungkook knows. Namjoon takes a step back. And then another. For some reason, the sight completely does Jungkook in. Just like that night when Jungkook kissed Namjoon, the emotions are too much. The years of built up want and sadness are too much. Everything is too much.
Namjoon is really going to leave him like this. With that, it’s like everything in his body gives up and he just crumples, spine hitting the back of the armchair as he slides to the floor and just cries. He’s given all he can and is now depleted. It’s so fucking humiliating but he can’t stop. He vaguely hears Jimin say his name in alarm but all he can focus on is the blurry shape of Namjoon turning around and running out the door.
He hears Jimin and Taehyung call after Namjoon in alarm and confusion but the voices sound muted through the throbbing in his head. Taehyung rushes out into the hallway but Jungkook knows Namjoon is long gone. Taehyung walks back into the apartment when he realizes and closes the door as Jimin comes over to crouch down next to Jungkook.
He gently places a hand on his back and soothes it up and down Jungkook’s spine. It’s quiet except for the sad crying noises that Jungkook can’t seem to make stop. Taehyung joins them and sits down next to Jungkook. He doesn’t say anything, just leans into Jungkook, resting his head on Jungkook’s shoulder.
Minutes pass and Jungkook starts to register the comforting touches from the two of them. He leans more into them, body wanting any kind of secureness it can get. His soft sobs start to quiet down but the tears still seep out. He sniffles and tries to inhale normally but it still shakes.
Jimin and Taehyung let him have more time, patient as his breath slowly starts to even out again. Jungkook is grateful, wanting them there but not ready to answer all the questions he knows they have. He’s not sure how much more time passes, racing mind having slowed to a strange hovering state. He sighs deeply.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for worrying you,” he murmurs tiredly.
Jimin reaches down to take his hand.
“Hey, you don’t need to say or feel that,” he reassures.
Taehyung nods in agreement. Jungkook chews on his lip, still feeling bad even though he knows they mean it.
“I’ll…I’ll explain later. N-not right now. I don’t think I can,” he says quietly.
“Of course. But you don’t owe us an explanation. We’re always here for you and you can talk to us about anything but you don’t owe it to us,” Taehyung says kindly but firmly.
Jungkook nods slowly. He sighs again and suddenly feels exhausted. Wants to retreat to his bed that can carry the weight of his heavy emotions.
“Think I’m gonna go upstairs,” he says tiredly.
“Okay,” Jimin and Taehyung answer in unison.
The three of them stand, Jungkook’s limbs feeling sore even though it’s his heart and mind that have taken the hit. Taehyung takes his hand as Jimin starts to lead them up the stairs. They all step into Jungkook’s room. Taehyung gives his hand a squeeze before letting it go so Jungkook can climb in bed. Jungkook manages a small squeeze back. He thinks about changing but even that seems like too much work.
He climbs in and lays on his side, head pillowed as his eyes stare blankly. Jimin sits on the edge of the bed while Taehyung just climbs in after him.
“This okay?” Taehyung says, pausing his settling into the covers.
Jungkook nods. Taehyung’s warmth next to him feels nice and he’s grateful. Jimin watches them for a couple of moments and then stands.
“I’ll be back soon,” he murmurs.
“Okay,” Tae answers for the both of them.
Jungkook’s eyelids feel raw and heavy so he closes them. His mind is muggy and unclear, a jumble of half thoughts that need a break. His head is still pounding from all the tears and his body is begging him to put it on pause.
“Thank you,” he murmurs to Tae before he lets sleep take over.
“We love you,” Tae replies simply.
Jungkook smiles sadly at the word as he feels himself fall into a drained sleep.
His mind and body are so exhausted, he sleeps deeply. He only wakes once, still sensing Tae’s warm body next to him. It comforts him and he drifts off again.
When he finally does wake again and knows he won’t be able to make more sleep happen, it feels like a chore to force his puffy and sore eyes to blink open. He does it anyway and turns to settle on his back. Blinking up at the ceiling, he still feels a body next to him. His still foggy brain wishes for a moment it’s Namjoon’s body, remembering the times he did wake next to him. How nice it felt. More sleep falls away and he knows it’s Tae next to him.
He’s propped up with pillows, scrolling through his phone. He sets it down when he sees Jungkook is awake. Jungkook slowly tilts his head to look over at him. Taehyung gives him a soft but still concerned smile. Jungkook swallows his last wisps of sleep.
“Please tell me that was all just a bad dream?” he whispers, already knowing the answer.
Tae’s brows crease and he shakes his head softly. Jungkook nods and moves his head to look back at the ceiling.
“Worth a shot,” he murmurs, more to himself than to Tae.
“You’ve been asleep for a while. Jimin went to go pick up some food,” Taehyung says, voice hopeful that Jungkook will like the sound of that.
Jungkook doesn’t say anything. He closes his eyes again and sighs. Tae wiggles back down into the covers with him and snuggles up next to him. Jungkook listens to his breathing, the rhythm of it feeling comforting over his own heart and breath that feels irregular. Neither of them say anything more, letting the quiet just be. Before too long, there’s a soft knock at the door. Tae glances at Jungkook and Jungkook nods.
“Come in,” Tae says.
The door opens and Jimin steps inside, carrying take out bags.
“Hey, sorry that took longer- oh, hey. You’re up,” Jimin starts, voice softening when he sees Jungkook.
“I’m up,” Jungkook echoes quietly.
Jimin walks over with the bags and sets them on the floor. He sits at the end of the bed and looks at the two of them.
“Want to eat something?” he asks, voice hopeful like Tae’s was.
It makes that previous guilt start to build back up in Jungkook. Guilt that they are so worried about him and care so much even though he doesn’t really deserve it.
“We could watch something too,” Tae adds in.
“Okay,” Jungkook nods.
He doesn’t feel hungry but doesn’t have the energy to refuse. They both smile in relief. Jimin picks up the bags again and they all stand to head downstairs. Jungkook trails behind, not really wanting to leave the protectiveness of his room but making his body move. He tries to give a smile when Taehyung looks back to check on him. It doesn’t work because Tae’s brows fall in worry. As they make their way into the living room, Jungkook is hit with it all over again.
Being downstairs brings back into crystal clear focus what happened last night. Jungkook chews on his lip, a flood of emotions starting to build in him. The words that had flown between him and Namjoon. The pain of hearing and experiencing Namjoon’s own pain and confusion hasn’t had time to scar over yet. The embarrassment of the scene he made also burns fresh.
Jimin notices his far away expression and reaches out to give his hand a squeeze. Jungkook nods, giving a squeeze back. Setting the bags on the coffee table, Jimin starts to unpack everything while Tae turns on the t.v. and scrolls to Jungkook’s favorite anime.
They eat quietly, the mood significantly shifted from last night. Jungkook picks at the food, forcing a couple of bites down. He wonders what Jimin and Taehyung are thinking. If they have any inkling as to what is going on or if they are still completely in the dark. Even if either of them were starting to wonder, there’s no way they could know the extent of everything. He starts to feel nervous. Yoongi had told him he didn’t think he was a terrible person but what if Jimin or Taehyung feel differently? It hurts even more when Jungkook realizes it would be warranted if either of them end up thinking that. Lost to his thoughts yet again, he doesn’t notice they’ve watched one full episode.
The next episode starts to load but before it can actually start, Jungkook takes a deep breath and clears his throat.
“C-can we go back upstairs?” he asks quietly.
Somehow, telling them in the safe space of his room seems the tiniest bit less intimidating. Jimin turns off the t.v.
“Of course,” he nods, sensing the seriousness in Jungkook’s voice.
The three of them stand and quietly pack up the leftovers and take them to the kitchen and the refrigerator. Once they’re done, they all make their way back up the stairs. Back to the room that Jungkook has spent so much time in lately. It feels like, surely by now, his thoughts about Namjoon must be painted in layers and layers over the walls.
Jungkook goes to his closet while Jimin and Taehyung start to settle on his bed. He pulls off his clothes from last night and quickly pulls on a fresh hoodie and pair of sweats. He wants to burn the outfit. It’s silly but it feels like the clothes are now blemished with memories of confessions, tears and sadness. He balls them up and throws them in the corner of his closet.
Taking a deep breath, he turns around. Jimin and Taehyung are waiting patiently but giving each other small, concerned glances. Jungkook can’t blame them. He walks over and slips into the bed. Taehyung remains next to him while Jimin makes himself comfortable across from them but still close.
Jungkook opens his mouth but it turns dry and suddenly he doesn’t know what to say. How to start explaining everything that has happened. His mind had been so consumed with the thoughts and words he wanted to share with Namjoon, he hadn’t spent time thinking about how to break this major event in his life to the two people closest to him. The heavy silence continues as Jungkook’s tries to force his mind to work.
“Want me to start?” Jimin asks gingerly after another moment.
Jungkook swallows and nods. Jimin takes his own deep breath, looks down at his hands. When he looks back up, he glances between Jungkook and Taehyung. Tae gives him a small nod.
“We know you haven’t been feeling good lately. At first we thought you were sick but I think we can see now you weren’t feeling good emotionally. And of course you aren’t obligated to tell us anything. But we care about you and love you. And… after last night. It seems like you’re going through something serious.”
“Like you and Namjoon are going through something serious,” he adds quietly, unsurely.
There it is. Jungkook feels his heart tense and his nails dig into his palms at hearing Namjoon’s name. Hearing Namjoon’s name spoken in relation to him in this context. He swallows and traces the tattoos on his hand while he tries to think of how to answer. Finally, he starts to speak.
“Do you remember the night of Yoongi’s birthday party?” he asks, voice a bit distant as he recollects also.
Jimin and Tae nod.
“You were already there when I got there,” Jimin notes, not accusing or suspicious but revealing what he remembers.
Jungkook nods.
“And I stayed after everyone left. I just…I couldn’t make myself leave. I was being so stupid but I just couldn’t leave. I…I wanted so badly to…to be alone with him.”
Tae blinks in confusion but Jungkook sees another piece of the puzzle fall into place for Jimin.
“With Namjoon,” Jimin says quietly.
“With Namjoon,” Jungkook confirms.
“After everyone left, it was just us. And it felt so good to have his attention. To have him to myself, even for just a little bit.”
His gaze falls on the sheets, eyes not really focusing on anything as he recounts.
“I knew it was wrong. But I couldn’t make myself care.”
He sighs, his voice sounding far away to him.
“I kissed him,” he murmurs.
A moment passes while Jimin and Tae take in the information. Jungkook looks up to see them both looking at him with a mix of surprise and sympathy on their faces. It takes Jungkook a second but then he realizes what they must be thinking.
“Oh, Jungkookie. I didn’t know you…had feelings for him,” Jimin says gently.
“That’s why both of you were so upset last night?” Tae asks.
Jungkook holds his breath and then lets it out slowly. He shakes his head no and they both look at him in confusion again.
“That night I kissed him, I was so scared and upset that I just ran. I was terrified he would never want to talk to me again or even see me again.”
“But that wasn’t what happened?” Jimin asks carefully but with a crease in his brows.
Jungkook shakes his head.
“We… kissed again. And I was so surprised and happy because I knew we both wanted that second kiss.
He sees their expressions start to slowly change. Sees what he is telling them start to truly sink in. Tae’s eyes widen a little.
“You and Namjoon…”
He trails off, looking like he knows how the sentence ends but not wanting to fully say it until Jungkook does. Jungkook chews on his lip, a fresh set of nerves starting to weave their way through his system again.
“After that, it just kept escalating. We both kept wanting more and more. At least, I…I know I did. That weekend I said I was with my brother? I was with him. We went to the city together. And I felt like maybe there really was a possibility that…”He cuts himself off when a soft sob escapes his lips. Tae reaches over and takes his hand even though his expression is still one of quiet disbelief. Tears start to roll down Jungkook’s cheeks.
“I’m so sorry I lied to you. I knew it was wrong. But every time I was with him, it felt so good and I was so lost in having him, that it…it made me able to push all the guilt aside. And I’m just so sorry,” he cries.
The room is quiet except for him and he wonders for a moment if he really spoke all those words or just thought them. Knows it was real when Jimin finally breaks the silence.
“The person you were going on that date with? That was Namjoon, wasn’t it,” Jimin says.
Jungkook nods. Jimin looks to the side, eyes squinting as thinks.
“It was Namjoon this whole time,” Jimin says, almost to himself.
When he looks back over at Jungkook, there is hurt and uncertainty in his eyes. Jungkook feels like the last pieces of his heart break.
“But…that means you were lying about it for months,” Jimin says, voice heavy.
“We never lie to each other,” he adds.
A small part of Jungkook wants to say this is different. He had to lie to protect Namjoon. But even the thought rings absurd and skating on a technicality. He did lie to them. Over and over again.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats, unable to come up with anything more.
“A-and Namjoon? He has a girlfriend. Who he’s cheating on. With you?” Jimin says, voice starting to grow incredulous.
Jungkook feels himself wither back even though he knows he has no right to. That dreaded word that he’s been pretending doesn’t exist is now thrown in his face.
“But…why? I don’t get it. I didn’t even know Namjoon was interested in guys. And you…? You just decided, “hey let me kiss my straight friend. My straight and very not single friend.”
Jungkook blinks in distress at the words. Even though he knows he deserves them, they’re still hard to hear.
“Jimin,” Tae tries, giving a small shake of his head.
Jimin sighs, unable to hide the exasperation.
“Well, what did they think was going to happen? What a mess. What came over you, Jungkook? This…this isn’t like you. I just don’t understand,” he says, tone searching.
Jungkook looks around his room. The room that has been his safe space to think, fantasize, cry over and have Namjoon freely. Not just for this current block of time, but for years. A few tears still escape his eyes but a sadness that reaches deep into his core has started to fall over him.
None of this is how he wanted things to end up. Not with Namjoon. And not with Jimin and Taehyung. None of it. His eyes remain depleted and far away as he tries to think of the words to try and explain this intense yearning he’s felt for years. Normally, he would give up on trying to explain his emotions but he wants to at least try for the two people in front of him.
“The weekend we went away together? When we got back, Yoongi saw us. Saw us kissing. And everything sort of just…crashed down around us. I guess it was going to happen at some point. But…even though everything was so messed up, I-I needed to tell him. Just once. I needed him to know. And I guess it was selfish but I needed him to know that this wasn’t just a passing moment in time for me. That every single moment was almost too good to be true for me.”
He takes a deep sigh. It still feels almost wrong to be sharing this thing that only his heart and mind have known for so long.
“I’ve been in love with Namjoon for a long time,” he murmurs.
He slowly brings his gaze back between Jimin and Taehyung. He’s not crying anymore but he knows his expression must be full of sadness and heartbreak by the way they both look at him with wide, upset eyes.
“I wanted him to choose me,” he whispers.
They stare at him and he looks away and shrugs sadly. It seems like an out of place gesture to do. He guesses it’s his body wanting to downplay the baring of his heart that just happened. Self preservation even though it’s too late for that.
“Jungkook. I-I’m so sorry,” Taehyung breathes out, breaking the silence.
He leans over and pulls Jungkook into a tight hug. Jungkook breathes in, letting Taehyung’s familiar scent fill his nose. When Tae pulls away, Jungkook sees Jimin watching them with a troubled expression.
“I’m sorry I don’t have a better explanation. But I really don’t. I wanted him for so long and when I got him, even though it wasn’t real, I just let myself be blind to everything else. Even my own selfishness.”
Jimin listens, the crease between his brows still there. He glances over at Taehyung who can’t offer him any more words either.
“I…I’m sorry you’ve been going through this. I really am. But I…I also still don’t fully understand. I guess it’s not for me to understand. It happened and here we are,” he says softly.
The words make Jungkook sad but he knows Jimin’s honesty is not meant to hurt him. It is what it is. Everything is out there. He can’t take anything back. The cheating, the hurt, the lies. The love.
His body weighs heavily into the pillows, exhausted from another series of stressful conversations that Jungkook never feels fully prepared for. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He has no more words to say. Wishes he had no more thoughts to think. The sound of rustling makes him sad because he knows it’s Jimin. He hears a sigh.
“I’ll let you rest,” Jimin whispers after a moment.
Jungkook feels his weight leave the bed as he gets up. He can sense Jimin is still in the room. Knows that he must be exchanging looks and silent words with Taehyung. After a couple of moments, he hears Jimin’s socked feet pad away and close the door behind him.
He falls deeper into the distracting softness of his bed. Mind already starting to become foggy with sleep. Then an image of Namjoon flashes in his mind. He can see the way Namjoon looked at him when they were alone, kissing and whispering sweet words into each other’s mouths. But then that image is clouded when he sees the way Namjoon looked at him last night. Like he was someone who Namjoon couldn’t understand and never did. He doesn’t even realize it until the pillow below his head is damp that he’s started to leak tears again.
“Do you want me to leave?” comes Taehyung's deep voice, careful and low.
Jungkook swallows to answer but the lump of emotions in his throat won’t go down. He just shakes his head no. He knows Taehyung sees when he feels him scoot down into the covers with him. He cuddles closer. Jungkook flinches slightly but then relaxes when Tae starts to finger comb his hair soothingly. And that’s what he finally falls asleep to.
When he wakes again, he’s alone. His eyes blink as they adjust to being open and awake. Sighing, he turns on his back. He doesn’t have much time to think before the door to his room opens wider.
Taehyung walks in, smiling softly when he sees Jungkook is awake. Jungkook pushes his body to a sitting position, muscles feeling stiff.
“Hungry?” Tae asks.
Jungkook shakes his head. Taehyung hands him a glass of water all the same. Jungkook takes it and downs the entire glass in one go.
He sets the glass down as Tae climbs back into bed with him. They don’t say anything for a while. Jungkook knows Tae must be unsure of what to do or say after everything.
“I’m sorry I dragged both of you into this,” Jungkook murmurs after another moment.
Tae frowns and shakes his head.
“You didn’t drag us into anything. We’re always gonna be here for you.”
Jungkook sighs and searches Tae’s face.
“Yeah?” he asks quietly.
Tae’s face falls when he realizes.
“Jimin just…he cares about you so much. We both do. I think…it’s just confusing to him why you would hurt yourself like this. Why either of you would. Cheating is…a big deal.
Jungkook sighs tiredly.
“I had already been hurting for years. Had already wanted him for so long. I know it doesn’t make sense but It felt like he was replacing all the hurt when we…we started this. Well, most of it.”
“And cheating is a big deal,” he adds in a whisper.
Tae leans against the pillows, eyes patient and curious.
“You’ve really been in love with him for years?”
Jungkook nods.
“How did we never know? I mean, obviously you didn’t say anything. But you never really showed anything, either.”
Jungkook sighs again and leans into the pillows with Tae.
“I thought I would get over it. And then I didn’t. And then it had gone on for so long, I was embarrassed. Of course I fell for my straight friend. If I told you guys, I felt like you would just feel sorry for me and how stupid I was being,” he explains.
“We wouldn't have. I mean, yeah, I guess we would have been surprised. Although, probably not more surprised than this,” Tae says with an exaggerated widening of his eyes.
Jungkook feels his face pull into the smallest smile at the antic.
“So does this mean Namjoon isn’t straight?” Taehyung asks.
Jungkook gives a small shrug of his shoulders.
“That’s not for me to answer,” he says quietly.
Tae nods in agreement but then tilts his head.
“But you and Namjoon had sex?” he asks.
Not judgmental, just curious. Jungkook feels his face heat but he nods. A mischievous glint appears in Tae’s eyes that Jungkook squints his own eyes at.
“I guess it’s too soon to ask how it was?”
Jungkook yelps, cheeks red as he gives Tae a shove.
“Yes, it’s too soon!”
Taehyung laughs, trying to save himself from falling off the bed.
“Okay, okay! Consider it redacted,” he exclaims, righting himself.
They settle in again, Jungkook’s thoughts starting to work into overdrive again.
“Does Jimin think I’m a bad person?” he whispers.
“No,” Tae answers firmly.
“Give him time. I know it’s hard but…just give him time,” he adds.
Jungkook accepts Tae’s words and sinks into the covers. He doesn’t know where to go from here. Will Namjoon ever want to talk to or even see him again? Is this all really over? And even though they created something that should not have come about the way it did, he can’t help but cling to the good parts. He doesn’t know if he should be allowed to but he does. They were that good.
“I am a bad person,” he whispers.
“You’re not,” Tae replies instantly.
Jungkook shakes his head.
“I was selfish. I never meant…I didn’t want to hurt her.”
Tae exhales deeply.
“She’s Namjoon’s girlfriend, not yours. He’s the one who cheated on someone,” he points out quietly.
“I still shouldn’t have…” he trails off, not wanting to finish the sentence
Taehyung doesn’t make him, just leans comfortingly against him. They fall into silence again. His body feels so heavy lately. Like the weight of his thoughts and emotions has sunk into his physical being. Tae clears his throat.
“Are you still in love with him even after…?” he asks tentatively.
Jungkook instinctively starts to trace his tattoos again. He knows what Tae is asking. Is he still in love even after rejection. Is it a love that can go away so soon after being burnt by it. It’s not. Jungkook can still feel the pain of the blister but no, it won’t go away.
“I really don’t know if I’ll ever stop,” he answers honestly.
A lonely tear makes its way down his cheek.
“ Could he be in love with you?”
Jungkook lets the question seep into his mind. Could he? Sometimes it felt like Namjoon could love him in the way he wanted. But after everything, he’s not sure he can trust himself to understand anything anymore. Maybe he was misreading things the entire time.
“I don’t know,” he whispers.
Taehyung is still in his bed and they're watching a show on Jungkook’s laptop when there’s a knock at the door. Tae looks over at Jungkook for him to make a decision. Jungkook chews on his lip and pauses the show.
“Come in,” he calls out softly.
The door opens and Jimin steps in softly. He walks closer and they look at each other. For some reason, Jungkook feels a lump starting to form in his throat. Jimin looks equally emotional.
“Can I…?” he trails off.
Jungkook nods and Jimin sighs in relief. He climbs into the bed, the three of them curling together like they have done so many times before. It feels like such a relief. Lifts a small weight off Jungkook’s heavy-hearted chest.
“I’m sorry,” Jimin says with a shaky breath as he takes Jungkook’s hand.
Jungkook holds on tight.
“Me too,” he murmurs.
After all the heartbreak, he knows he will always have this. That this is what is going to get him through it.
Notes:
Honestly, this chapter started off a lot more intense but it didn’t feel right so I had to rework it a couple of times. It was such a process trying to make the words fit the vision I had for this chapter. But please let me know how you’re feeling about these two. And about everyone included in this chapter.
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Chapter 8
Notes:
So excited and relieved to finally have this chapter out! I knew the overall ideas of what I wanted to happen but had to work out a lot of smaller plot details. I also wanted to take time with how I wrote for Namjoon since he is, whether I like admitting it or not, one of our protagonists while simultaneously being our antagonist. This chapter is long (22k+) and did a number on my brain but I feel good about adding it to this world. I hope you enjoy reading!
TW: panic attack (More hot tears spill out and his chest starts to rise and fall rapidly.)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
He hears his name being called but it sounds far away, muted by the singular urge to run. To hide and pretend that none of this is happening. That he hasn’t been on a constant war path of hurting the people he claims to care about. He feels like they have all fallen victim to clumsily being crushed by his uncaring hands when they deserved gentle, careful handling.
The further Namjoon’s legs carry him away from Jungkook’s apartment, the heavier they feel. Like with each step, he’s falling into a quicksand that’s trying to engulf him and make him disappear. And maybe that would be the best for everyone. If he just fell away into the earth, no longer able to cause pain and hurt. Because it feels like that’s all he’s been capable of doing these days and he hates it. Hates himself.
His footsteps slow even more and he realizes his chest is heaving heavily with emotion. Trying to calm his breathing, he turns around and stares back the way he came. What the fuck is he doing ? How could he leave Jungkook like that? The shock at what he’s just done creeps through him and makes his fists clench angrily at himself.
He takes a step forward but then stops again. What makes him think Jungkook would even want to see him after what he’s just done? He thinks it would have been a perfectly valid reaction if Jungkook had yelled or even slapped him after everything. In fact, Namjoon wishes he had. He deserves it.
But Jungkook hadn’t done any of that. Instead, he had sunk into tears that had made Namjoon want to scoop him into his arms and tell him that he could fix this. That this was all just a bad dream and he would make everything better. But it wasn’t just a bad dream. It was real life. And he had actually done the complete opposite of making anything better.
Fear and devastation at all of it mix and the ugly urge to run starts to seep in again. He takes a step back and then another. Because he’s terrified. Terrified of all the truths he will have to face if he does go back. Terrified that Jungkook will tell him to his face how awful of a person he is because it’s true. Terrified that Jimin and Taehyung will overhear everything and all three of them will agree they never want to see him again. So he runs. Like the coward that he is, he runs.
The more space he puts between himself and Jungkook’s apartment, the deeper he sinks. Dark thoughts making him feel more and more devastated at the tangled mess of hearts he has created. Each footstep still feels heavy but he can’t make himself stop, body following the somber trance that his mind seems to be in.
He almost goes right past his car, only remembering he drove because he had noticed dark clouds in the sky earlier. Sighing, he fishes his keys out of his pocket and opens the driver side door. Sliding in, he closes it with a loud slam.
Not a minute later and a few fat raindrops hit his windshield. He usually likes the rain but today, the drops make him laugh bitterly. Poetic weather to match the rage of emotions he’s experiencing. There’s some sort of silly irony that the sky is clouded and full of storms as his life bursts in ways he never thought it would.
Gripping the steering wheel hard, he watches as his knuckles turn white and feels his nails dig into the meat of his palms. What is wrong with him? Why is he so scared to face any of this? He’s so tired of running but can’t seem to stop. It feels like when he accidentally jolts himself awake when he’s on the verge of sleep, body and mind shocked into a no rest state.
Heart hammering, his thoughts go back to the way Jungkook had looked at him. Hurt and scared but also stunned. Like the words Namjoon had thrown at him were truly a shock to everything he thought Namjoon was. And of course he had looked at him like that. Even Namjoon himself couldn’t have ever imagined speaking to Jungkook like that. Hurting Jungkook like that. Losing control like that. Yet here he is, heart feeling like it’s charring in a fire of his own making. His grip on the wheel tightens even more, nails digging in painfully.
“Fuck!” he yells out into the empty car.
The rain picks up as if in response, hitting the car roof loudly. His head starts to throb and his face heats with anger and frustration. Minutes pass as he stares at the rain-streaked windshield, everything blurred and distorted by the trickles of water. He doesn’t even know how much time passes before he finally pulls his nails out of his skin and loosens his grip on the wheel.
Sighing dejectedly, he moves to turn on the engine. The wipers smear the rain around the glass, making the world slightly clearer but still soaked and bleary. Leaving the spot, he starts slowly down the street. With no music playing, he feels like he can hear every drop that falls onto the metal roof. Loud pings that sound like they’re hitting his skull and not just the car.
He doesn’t even know where he’s going, starting to make turns that have no final destination in mind. Driving on aimless autopilot as his black thoughts pour over him in waves. He starts to think that maybe he should just go home but rejects it. Dae isn’t there, having left on a long weekend trip to visit her parents. But even without her presence, being in the space they share together feels like too much in his current state. Because he’s now being forced to face the fact that the space they have created together has been corrupted by him. And not just the space. The relationship, the life, the trust. He’s destroyed all of it.
And for what? Why did he do all of this? For the thrill of sleeping with someone new? No, that wasn’t it. The curiosity of sleeping with a man? No, it was more than that. It’s something that he can’t put into words but he knows it all revolves around Jungkook. His feelings and attraction to Jungkook winning out when he shouldn’t have let them. At least, not like this. Not before he explored more why he wanted the ember with Jungkook to ignite into something he never thought he would have wanted before.
His hands tighten on the wheel again as he feels hot, angry tears start to roll down his cheeks. The only reason he had gone over to Jungkook’s apartment tonight was because he was positive Jungkook was going to break it off with him. Tell him that this was all too much and definitely not worth it. And of course it would have been a huge rip to Namjoon’s heart but he was ready. Ready to say he understood, for Jungkook’s sake. Well, as ready as he could have been. A little more accepting of it because he knew the laceration would be warranted.
After being caught by Yoongi, he was so sure Jungkook would be done with him. Sure that Jungkook would come to the conclusion that this, that Namjoon, was not what he actually wanted. And when Jungkook told him, Namjoon would listen, hide his hurt and try to move on from there. He’s the one who was cheating, not Jungkook. Jungkook wasn’t the one who was hurting everyone. It would be a clean cut for him. Namjoon would just be the friend that Jungkook had slept with and he would move on. Namjoon wanted him to move on. Knew that Jungkook deserved to be with someone who would give him their all in a relationship. And Namjoon wasn’t that person.
But none of that had happened. So far from it. When Jungkook had started to get emotional, Namjoon was sure it was because he felt bad for cutting it off with him. Because that’s just the type of person Jungkook is. Kind and caring, thoughtful even when it hurt to be.
The realization that this had meant so much to Jungkook had felt opposite of what it was supposed to. Instead of syrupy happiness and fluttery nerves, it had felt like being tackled to the point of losing his breath and being forced to see something he had been working so hard not to realize was true. Jungkook’s admission had meant that Namjoon was hurting him even more than he had let his mind comprehend. Abusing his feelings even more than he was willing to admit. Because no matter how stupid it rattles in his head now, there was a small part of him that really hoped this wasn’t more than sex for Jungkook. He feels awful pushing those kinds of thoughts onto Jungkook when, in reality, Namjoon knows he’s not that kind of person.
Sighing shakily, he starts to feel too upset and overwhelmed to keep driving in any safe way. Making another turn, he begins to head back home. He entertains going to a coffee shop to pass the time but decides he’s in no state to deal with people right now. The rain starts to slow as he drives, thoughts a mess of self-depreciation, sorrow and Jungkook. Jungkook’s pretty face always hovering around his mind’s eye, almost providing comfort until he remembers the way that same pretty face had shattered at his outburst. How he had thrown words at Jungkook that were like shards of glass, clear and sharp and cutting.
Biting back another sob, he pulls onto his street and sees a spot right in front of his building. He parks and unbuckles but then remains in the car, sitting in silent dejection. Looking down at his lap, he starts to trace his knuckles. Thinks back to the black ink that covers Jungkook’s as he stares at his blank ones. Remembers the way the ink climbs up the rest of Jungkook, pretty designs over lovely skin. Lovely skin that stretches over an even lovelier heart that Namjoon feels like he has irreparably branded in the worst way.
Moments pass and the air in the car starts to feel stuffy and overheated, making it hard to breathe. He takes in big gulps but the closing in feeling doesn’t go away. Opening the car door, he stumbles out into the post rain breeze. Let his lungs fill with air that isn't saturated with his reek of failure.
He stares up at his building, trying to make his feet move to carry him inside. But they won’t. He just can’t. It’s all too much to face. He feels foolish for being so dramatic but can’t seem to help it. Looking around helplessly, his eyes settle on the car again. Moving closer, he starts to very gingerly climb onto the hood. He waits a moment to see if the metal does anything under his weight but it doesn’t. Letting out a sigh of relief, he starts to settle on the hood as he leans his back on the windshield. The fresh raindrops soak into the back of his shirt, small orbs of cold that press into his skin and combine with his body heat. He reaches an arm up to pillow his head from the hard surface as he stares up at the sky that still looks heavy and foreboding with dark clouds.
A couple of stray tears fall from his eyes, trailing down and disappearing into his skin. He must make a sight for anyone who might walk by, draped over the hood of his car and staring at the night sky as if waiting for the next burst of rain from the dense clouds. But he stays put, finding he doesn’t currently have the ability to care.
Digging his teeth into his lip harshly, he continues to stare up at the sky. His head is starting to pound as his thoughts feel like they’re bulldozing through his brain. Not a second of peace as he thinks over and over again about how much he has fucked things up. With Jungkook, with Dae, maybe even with Yoongi, Jimin and Taehyung. He shudders when he thinks about all the horrible things that they are already or will be thinking about him.
The question of what the fuck is wrong with him enters his mind again. He’d truly never, ever thought about cheating on Dae before all this. Never entertained the idea of wanting to sleep with or even flirt with anyone else. But then that kiss had happened. And it just wouldn’t leave his mind. Jungkook wouldn't leave his mind. Building a home deeper and deeper in his psyche. He had let it culminate into something that he couldn’t contain within himself anymore and he had pulled Jungkook under with him, trapping both of them.
And the fact that this had all happened with another man is another confusing, blurry entity on its own. He thought he was at an age where he had himself at least somewhat figured out. Sure, he had been curious at different points throughout his life but never quite enough to act on anything. Never felt comfortable enough with another man to ask if experimenting would be okay. Was that it? The comfortableness and friendship he had with Jungkook leading him to finally venture into the new territory? He’s not sure if wondering this about Jungkook is fair but it’s there nonetheless.
But then he tries to imagine if any of his other male friends had kissed him, what his reaction would have been. Sure, they’re all undeniably attractive but he’s never desired them. Doesn’t think he would have a bad reaction to a kiss from one of them but also knows he wouldn’t pursue more with any of them. The entire train of thought starts to make him feel guilty again. Because, at the end of everything, it shouldn’t have mattered. He was in a relationship.
He knows it all centers around a question he’s been skirting around carefully. Scared because it could hold an answer that changes who he thinks he is. Is he gay? Maybe bi? Pan? He has no problem with any of those but has also never identified himself as any of them. He's only ever been with women but does that even mean anything for him anymore? If he doesn’t even know this about himself, how can he be sure, or at least somewhat confident, in any part of himself. Suddenly, all the parts that make him him seem wrong and out of place. Puzzle pieces that once seemed to fit together perfectly are now jumbled and tossed around as they try to rearrange back into place but are unable to. It’s all wrong. He’s all wrong.
He thinks back to Jungkook’s words. I wanted to. Even though we started this the wrong way . He shakes his head as if Jungkook has just spoken the words again. They don’t make him feel any better, any more okay with what he has dragged Jungkook into.
More of Jungkook’s words start to float back to him. His brows crease as he thinks. A really long time . Jungkook had said he’d been interested in him for a really long time. Had any part of him known? Maybe. But even if he had, he hadn’t thought about it enough to really let it sink in. To let it affect how he interacted with Jungkook. Another wave of shame washes through him. The thought that Jungkook was hurting when Namjoon was in the throes of new relationship bliss makes him ache. He feels like he’s been disregarding Jungkook’s feelings for longer than he even fully realizes. And whether that’s because he was trying to ignore his own or just being painfully oblivious, he doesn’t know.
Suddenly, that one word that had made his mind completely break down starts to etch into all of his senses now. Love. The word repeats over and over in his mind, a chant that surrounds him, spoken in Jungkook’s voice. It had seemed so surreal at the time, for a moment he thought his mind was playing tricks on him. Conjuring up words that the real Jungkook would never say. Never feel. Because why would he? Friendship love maybe but not romantic love. He remembers feeling the same thing when Dae had first shared how she felt about him. The old thoughts of inadequacy and unsureness creeping back in even though he had worked hard to tame them. To talk through them in therapy. But they had never completely disappeared, even after he felt content with his progress and safe enough in his life to allow a pause in therapy.
And how could Jungkook really love him after he’s known what he is? A cheater. Someone who breaks the trust of their partner. And yes, his relationship and Dae were never a secret to Jungkook but that doesn’t make Namjoon want him to take any of the blame for whatever this is that they have created. He is the cheater, not Jungkook.
But he had said it. Jungkook had said he was in love with him. And had been for far longer than Namjoon’s mind can handle analyzing further right now. Now that he’s alone, even though his word and all that it holds still scares him, a small shiver runs through him. It’s still tinged with guilt and confusion but there’s also something else that is starting to hook deep into his core.
Without thinking, he brings his fingers to his lips to touch carefully. Even after everything, it’s so easy to summon the memory of Jungkook’s lips on his. How even the slightest touch from him had started to make his body feel like it was being bathed in sunlight, warm and radiant from within. Because even though it shouldn’t have been, there were parts of it that had felt so petal-soft easy. Jungkook was already someone he trusted, someone he knew was safe to experience something new with. Someone he already cared about and who already had a place in his life.
“He’s in love with me?” he whispers out to no one but the sky and the trees that line his street.
He feels heat rise in his cheeks despite the chill in the air. His eyes glaze over as he stares up, swirling pink thoughts making him feel like he’s entered onto a different kind of cloud. Has momentarily left the dark, formidable one he was on and sunk into a sweet, feather light one that is somehow still holding him up and being the only thing that is keeping him from plummeting into a depth that he’s not sure he can come back from.
It’s not an epiphany that makes all the other dark clouds that still surround him disappear. Doesn’t make his makeshift mind sky suddenly bright and blue. But it’s there. Peeking out after being hidden away and ignored by Namjoon even though he is the creator of it. Lovely and pretty inside and out just like Jungkook. Providing a light that Namjoon knows he doesn't deserve but makes his heart flutter with something golden nonetheless. A fresh set of tears well up and fall from his eyes, this set holding momentary catharsis instead of defeat.
He stays laid out on his car for a bit longer, breathing in deep through his nose and out through his mouth. He knows this mild feeling of slight reprieve from his mind will not last long and he needs to take advantage of it. Knows that there is so much more he needs to unpack with himself but can’t stop the exhaustion that is starting to spread through his mind and body.
One more long exhale and he slowly pushes himself up. As he glances around with heavy eyelids, his surroundings feel muted. The sky looks like it’s about to open up again any minute. Closing his eyes for a moment, he lets the smell of rain spread down into his chest. It feels like a chore to blink his lids open again but he does it as he slides over the hood. His feet hit solid ground again and he presses his keys into his palm. The metal digs into his skin and revives him enough to make him get back into the car. Starting the engine, he stares ahead for a moment and then pulls out of the spot. He starts down the street and away from his apartment.
Yoongi swings the door open before he even has a chance to ring the bell. It startles Namjoon for a moment, his hand still raised to press the button and his mouth open in surprise.
“I heard you walking up. You’re not very quiet, you know?” Yoongi explains with a smirk that’s tinged with concern.
“Oh,” Namjoon answers dumbly, dropping his hand.
The smirk completely disappears from Yoongi’s face and he steps aside to let Namjoon pass. Namjoon steps into the space, trying to let the familiarity of it blanket him. It feels like he really has taken huge steps back, reverted to seeking out Yoongi for advice on one of his many fuck ups. It had almost been muscle memory, starting the drive over here. It was at a stop light that he had thought to text Yoongi and ask if his presence was even okay. He’s glad he had, tired and guilty of only thinking about what he wanted. He had breathed out a sigh of relief when Yoongi had told him it was okay for him to come over.
Now that he’s here, he looks around awkwardly even though he’s been here so many times before. He feels like his presence is unwanted anywhere, a nuisance to everyone around him. Yoongi watches him squirm with a raised eyebrow and then walks towards the couch and sits. He looks up at Namjoon expectantly. Namjoon nods and finally moves, settling across from Yoongi on the couch.
There’s a stretch of silence as Namjoon stares down at his hands. Unable to find any words that feel right to start the conversation. Yoongi doesn’t push him and he’s grateful for that. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, just heavy. He sighs, sinking deeper into the cushions. He tilts his head to look over at Yoongi, chewing his lip.
“I’m sorry,” he finally murmurs.
Yoongi’s brows draw together but the rest of his face remains neutral.
“For what?”
Namjoon takes another deep breath.
“For not talking to you. After you saw Jungkook and me.”
And just like that, it’s out in the open. The first time he’s ever uttered a word about all this to someone who isn’t Jungkook. It’s the smallest of reliefs to not have this be completely hidden anymore but it still feels like they're coals in his chest, burning him even though they are no longer on fire.
“You were dealing with your own shit,” Yoongi says with a shrug.
Namjoon shakes his head.
“I shouldn’t have avoided you. I just…fuck. I didn’t know what to do. Still don’t,” he mutters.
There’s another moment of silence before Yoongi speaks again.
“I talked with Jungkook,” he says carefully.
Namjoon’s eyes slowly widen in surprise.
“Went over there a couple of days ago,” Yoongi explains.
“Oh…” Namjoon says, painfully curious what words were exchanged but knowing he has no right to know.
“He…wasn’t doing great,” Yoongi divulges, voice sounding a bit reproachful now.
Namjoon winces but knows it’s warranted. He waits but Yoongi doesn’t say anything more, obviously having decided that he’d shared enough. Rubbing the heels of his palms into his tired eyes, he curses softly. Pulls his hands away and stares blankly ahead for a moment before he speaks again.
“We’ve been sleeping together,” he sighs, unsurprised that Yoongi is unsurprised.
He feels his emotions bubbling to the surface again and tries to tamp them down but it doesn’t work. A warm tear falls down his cheek and he wipes it away roughly.
“Fuck, I’m a shit person,” he whispers thickly.
Yoongi sighs as he gives a sad shake of his head.
“No, you’re not. You did a shit thing, doesn’t make you shit person.”
Namjoon huffs bitterly.
“I don’t know if I believe that.”
Yoongi frowns and watches him intently.
“Why do you say that?”
More angry tears start to fall from Namjoon’s already tender and sore eyes.
“I just keep fucking up,” he says wetly.
Yoongi waits with patient concern as Namjoon brushes his sleeve harshly across his face.
“I…went over there tonight. I thought for sure he was going to break it off. But…” he trails off, everything seeming too real as he speaks aloud instead of just letting everything ruminate around darkly in his mind.
His head falls to his hands and his breaths start to come out shakily, overwhelmed with a new panic. He can’t bear to tell Yoongi the words that he had hurled at Jungkook. How can he try to explain his actions to Yoongi when he doesn’t even understand them himself.
“Joon? Hey, hey. You don’t need to push yourself right now,” Yoongi says, voice laced with worry and the softest Namjoon’s heard it in a long time.
The tone just makes Namjoon feel even more pitiful even though he knows that’s not Yoongi’s intention. And even though he’s so exhausted and weighed down by everything, the sudden need to just let the words fall out overtake him.
“He…he told me he’s in love with me,” he whispers, feeling like speaking any louder will somehow be too much.
Yoongi nods gently and reaches over to give his shoulder a grounding squeeze. Namjoon breathes shakily and tries to let the caring touch calm his racing heart. He looks over to find Yoongi searching his face thoughtfully.
“Are you in love with him?” he asks with soft seriousness.
The question makes Namjoon’s breath catch even though he had been somewhat expecting it. He clenches his jaw to try to pull himself together but even that small action makes him feel even more spent than he already is. It feels like all the air is leaving his lungs, like he’s still drowning but maybe with a small chip of his heart still intact. He stares at Yoongi with watery eyes.
“I…” he trails off, his voice seeming to give out right at the finish line.
All his body allows him right now is a nod. After everything, all it takes is one small movement to express something so monumental. Something that holds so much power and the ability to alter things in his life that he’s not ready for.
Yoongi gives him a small smile laced with sadness and pulls him into a hug. Namjoon cries softly into his shoulder, feeling undeserving of the care but grateful nonetheless. It’s a small relief to let more tears fall free even though he knows these will not be the last.
It’s impossibly late at night and he’s huddled on Yoongi’s pullout sofa bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. He’d fallen asleep for a couple of hours but his mind had forced his body awake again. The logical side of him begging for a plan and timeline to make everything right again. Well, as right as he possibly could.
But the night grows deeper and deeper and his flooded mind can’t keep one single thought straight, can’t focus enough on one person or emotion to make his spiraling of any use. He knows his actions have earned this war in his head but it’s still distressing. Kicking off his blanket, he turns to the window and sighs when he sees the first gray streams morning. Closing his eyes, he finally drifts off into another stretch of fitful sleep.
On Sunday, Yoongi gives him space. Doesn’t push for more conversation or explanation until Namjoon is ready. He feels guilty that he’s in no state to show Yoongi how much he appreciates it but hopes he can express his gratitude fully in the future.
He goes on long walks throughout the day, not wanting to permeate Yoongi’s apartment with his somber thoughts and mood. Dae won’t be back until Monday evening and, although he knows he shouldn’t, he feels grateful to have some extra time to try and piece even a small portion of his thoughts or himself back together.
It’s late Sunday afternoon when he walks to a nearby park. He sits on a bench and stares out at the people and dogs passing by.
Even though he had been hiding from it for a while now, he knows it’s true. He’s in love with Jungkook. But the more he tries to sort through his feelings, the more he realizes that he also still loves Dae. Whether he’s in love with her is a question that has a blurry and confusing answer that keeps stopping short of revealing itself to him.
It seems like an odd thought to have under the circumstances but not being in love with Dae is a very strange concept. She is and has been such an important part of his life over these past years. Someone he’s loved and cared about and depended on. Someone he’s worked with to create something special.
Could he really have fallen out of love with her? But why? And how? The questions make his head start to hurt, making him feel like he keeps walking into a brick wall. If he has fallen out of love with her, what gives him the right to turn around and be in love with someone else. Nothing does. It makes him feel sick to his stomach with guilt. But the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that might be the case.
What he does know is that it’s nothing she’s done. It’s been all him. It would be so much easier if he could say that things had been tough for them lately or pin it on some sort of major event that caused a fracture in their relationship. But there is nothing for him to place the blame on but himself.
Logically, he knows that people fall in and out of love all the time. It's simply something that happens. Like the leaves falling and the flowers blooming, it happens. He just didn’t think it was something that was happening to him. And it feels so wrong that he is potentially the only one in the relationship feeling like this. It would be different if they had discussed relationship issues or even needing to take a break but none of that had occurred. Potentially catching Dae off guard feels so deeply unsettling. Something he would have never thought he would or could do. But there’s a lot of things he’s done lately that he never thought he’d do.
Looking back, he’s not sure exactly what future he was picturing with Dae but it definitely did not look like this. Sighing deeply, he tries to wrap his mind around the fact that he has to have a conversation like this with her. Has to admit such a break of trust. The very real possibility that she will immediately want nothing to do with him shoots painfully through his chest. Dae is a patient and caring person but this is beyond pushing the limit. He knows that she’ll have every right to react however.
His gaze follows a swirling leaf as it falls to the ground. He ruminates for a bit longer, mind trying to rehearse what words to say to Dae before he does away with the idea. Dae doesn’t deserve a rehearsed speech that makes it seem like she’s a checkmark of his list. The thought terrifies him but he decides to let the words find him in the moment. Dae never liked when he tried too hard to be perfect at things, anyway.
He manages to finally unglue himself from the bench after another stretch of meandering thoughts. He starts to slowly walk back to Yoongi’s, not paying attention to anything except putting one foot in front of the other. When he reaches the apartment, he punches in the code Yoongi had given him since he was going out to run a few errands.
He drops down onto the couch, digging his teeth into his lower lip anxiously. He sits in silence for a few moments before it’s too much and he turns the t.v. on. Lets the first thing that appears continue to play on the screen. He doesn’t register how long he watches before he hears the click of the front door.
“Hey,” Yoongi greets him, pulling off his jacket and setting his stuff down.
“Hey,” Namjoon echoes quietly.
“How was your…” Yoongi cuts himself off to start counting on his fingers.
“I want to say tenth walk of the day?”
Namjoon blinks but then gives a small smile.
“Fine. I think that tenth one did the trick.”
Yoongi looks pleased at the small banter and makes his way to the kitchen. He returns after a moment with two beers, plopping down next to Namjoon and handing him one. Namjoon gives a grateful nod as he takes it.
“Get all your errands done?” he asks after taking a sip.
Yoongi nods as he throws back a longer swig.
“I had to wait in line forever everywhere but I lived. I didn’t make it to the grocery store but I thought maybe we could just order in?”
Namjoon nods and sits up.
“My treat, okay? As a…thank you. For, you know, letting me crash here,” he says quietly.
Yoongi observes him carefully for a moment.
“Not that I’m trying to decline free food, but you don’t owe me anything okay? I mean, you’ve been there for me through all my shit. It’s what best friends do,” he says with a shrug.
Namjoon feels another wave of emotion wanting to burst through as he stares at Yoongi. Yoongi’s mouth settles into a thin line and his eyes squint.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he grumbles softly.
Namjoon can’t help the wet laugh that escapes him. He wipes his eyes and takes another drink before he speaks again.
“That means a lot. I’ll still treat, though.”
“Deal,” Yoongi grins.
They order from their favorite college days place, Yoongi starting to flip through the t.v. channels as Namjoon plugs in his payment info. Once he’s done, he watches the images move by as Yoongi searches, finally settling on a cooking show. They watch quietly, Yoongi making a comment here and there about certain recipes that Namjoon has no idea about. He hums in acknowledgement nonetheless, finding the softness of Yoongi’s deep mumbles comforting.
The food arrives and they both start to eat immediately. The warmth from the food feels nice and makes Namjoon think that he can’t remember the last time he ate. He had been too nervous the entire day before seeing Jungkook and food had been the last thing on his mind after that. They continue to watch as they eat, Namjoon actually managing to focus on just the show for a bit. He finishes his food first and takes his trash to the kitchen, sitting back down on the couch.
The small allotted time he was able to focus on the show is over and he’s back in his own thoughts as he picks at a worn spot the couch arm. Images of Jungkook and Dae fill his mind, the things he loves about them individually and the situation he’s put them in creating a tapestry of pretty flowers that now seem singed around the petals thanks to him.
“You gonna buy me a new couch if you rip a hole in that one?” Yoongi asks with a raised eyebrow.
Namjoon glances over at him and immediately pulls his hand back.
“Shit, sorry.”
Yoongi just chuckles as he takes another sip of beer and places his trash in the takeout bag.
“Don’t worry about it, I was just kidding.”
Namjoon’s hands fidget in his lap. A few moments of silence except for the t.v. pass before the words decide they can no longer just remain in his mind.
“I’m going to tell her when she gets back tomorrow,” Namjoon says softly.
Yoongi looks over at him. Taking the remote, he shuts the t.v. off and shifts so he’s facing Namjoon.
“Yeah?”
Namjoon nods and sighs tiredly.
“I hate throwing this at her when she’s fresh off a trip but it’s not fair to her to keep putting it off. Not that any of this was but I just can’t keep hiding from her.”
Yoongi nods understandingly. Namjoon takes in a deep inhale and runs his hand down his face.
“You’re doing the right thing,” Yoongi reassures.
Namjoon can’t help it when a bitter laugh escapes him.
“One right thing out of too many wrong ones,” he mutters.
“Hey, it’s a start,” Yoongi says firmly.
“Maybe,” Namjoon sighs out unsurely.
Another stretch of silence before Yoongi speaks again.
“Do you know what you’re going to tell her?” he asks carefully.
Namjoon leans his head back against the cushions and closes his eyes for a moment.
“You mean am I going to tell her I’m in love with him?” he says quietly.
He can’t see Yoongi but the silence answers for him. He blinks his eyes open tiredly and tilts his head to look at Yoongi.
“I don’t want to. But if she asks, I’m not going to lie to her.”
Yoongi nods, his eyes squinting for a moment as he thinks. The look makes Namjoon nervous and he waits anxiously to see what Yoongi is going to say next.
“You must have been having a heart attack when we got lunch a while back and I said I thought Jungkook had a crush on you,” he snorts.
Namjoon’s eyes widen at the memory.
“I…I was,” he admits.
The memory also sends another stream of guilt through him.
“I’m sorry I lied to you,” he says quietly.
Yoongi’s gaze lands back on him.
“I guess I’ll live,” he shrugs.
“As long as you don’t do it again. Because then I would have to…punch you?” he asks with a head tilt.
“You would punch me? I mean, not that I wouldn’t deserve it,” Namjoon asks, eyes still wide.
Yoongi rolls his eyes.
“No. Not my style.”
Namjoon smiles softly.
“No more lying,” he promises.
Yoongi raises his beer and takes a drink.
“Did you know? When we had lunch, did you suspect something?” Namjoon asks.
Yoongi tilts his beer around for a moment before he answers.
“Honestly, no. I was just talking when I said that. I mean, yes I thought he had a crush on you but I didn’t think…” he trails off.
Namjoon tenses but nods slowly.
“Yeah,” he manages to say with a thick gulp.
“Did you always…sorry, too soon?” Yoongi trails off again, looking unsure of what he can ask and what Namjoon wants to talk about.
“It’s okay,” Namjoon replies softly.
“No, I didn’t always feel this way about him. I guess some hidden part of me knew I thought about him differently than my other friends. But it wasn’t something that my mind tried to dissect,” he says slowly, still feeling out what words to say out loud about all this.
Yoongi listens patiently and even though this is all still so confusing, it does provide a small bit of relief to finally start getting more of this tangle of thoughts out into the open. Out to someone who isn’t part of this complicated web that he isn’t sure he can undo.
“He kissed me. The night of your birthday,” he says quietly.
“Really?” Yoongi says, sounding surprised.
“So he initiated things first?” he adds.
Namjoon feels his brows crease and he shakes his head.
“It wasn’t that simple. I…I kissed him again after that. I wanted to. Maybe there was always some part of me that wanted to? I just don’t know right now,” he says, rubbing at his sensitive eyes.
He stares blankly at the carpet for a moment before he feels a strange feeling start to creep up his chest.
“I had sex with a man,” he whispers out.
The statement feels stupidly obvious once it leaves his mouth. But it also feels so heavy and full of meanings that he doesn’t understand. Yoongi looks back at him with a frown of concern.
“What does that mean?” Namjoon asks thickly.
Yoongi’s frown softens and he shakes his head gently.
“Only you can answer that,” he replies gently.
“But you don’t have to answer it right now. Or anytime soon. Namjoon, you need time and that’s okay.”
Namjoon lets the words wash over him, like a slight soothe to a burn.
“Time,” he echoes in agreement.
He exhales a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding when another streak of panic shoots through him.
“It wasn't just…just sex for me. I…didn’t mean it to sound like it was,” he rushes out.
“I know,” Yoongi says calmly.
Namjoon sighs but still feels something itching under his skin.
“It was so much more than that. It scared me. I knew I was starting to feel something much bigger than I…than I anticipated. But I kept pushing it away. And, even though it hurt, I convinced myself that my feelings were stronger than his. That there was no way he was feeling what I was feeling.”
Tears start to sting the corners of his eyes.
“Fuck, it was so selfish and I convinced myself it was the opposite.”
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi says quietly.
Namjoon doesn’t even register the words as more emotions start to bubble up.
“And now I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to me again and I don’t even blame him.”
“We both know he’s not like that,” Yoongi says firmly.
But Namjoon just shakes his head in defeat.
“You don’t understand. I reacted horribly when he told me how he felt. I was so… mean. I don’t even know why. I was in such a deep state of denial that he was going to come out of this hurting that I just ended up hurting him even more. I didn’t…I couldn’t tell you earlier. My mind is still having trouble comprehending that I spoke to him like that.”
More hot tears spill out and his chest starts to rise and fall rapidly. Breaths coming out ragged and body feeling horribly out of place. An almost inhuman sense of dread and fear gripping every single one of his nerves. He wants to swim up towards the surface but something keeps pulling him down, a force that won’t let go.
“And after tomorrow, I’ll have lost Dae too,” he says shakily.
He feels his heart racing almost painfully. Each breath hurts even though he feels like he's not getting enough air. All he can hear is a whooshing sound as everything falls away and all that he can focus on is the sickly familiar black void that he hadn’t seen in so long. That he thought he had locked away for good.
“Namjoon, hey. Hey. Breathe for me, okay? I think you might be having a panic attack,” Yoongi says somewhere off to the side, voice strong with concern but somehow still gentle.
He feels like he’s buried deep, straining to hear Yoongi’s voice. Wanting to follow it but stuck in limbo. A gentle hand lands on his shoulder and squeezes.
“Listen to my voice, okay? All you have to do right now is listen and breathe. That’s it. Nothing else, okay?”
Trying his hardest, he lets his mind just allow the grounding touch and voice in. No other thoughts, just the tasks that Yoongi said. Listen and breathe. The whooshing sound starts to fade slightly, giving him a sliver of hope that he can pull himself out of this void. It takes a few more minutes but he finally manages to fill his lungs with a deep but still weathered breath.
“That’s great. How about another?” Yoongi says, his voice another level clearer to Namjoon’s ears.
He doesn’t know how much more time passes but, with Yoongi’s caringly firm voice, he manages to take in more lungfuls. His mind still feels unpleasantly dark but his chest doesn’t feel so tight. Yoongi’s voice starts to sound close again and Namjoon makes his way back up through the fog that had started to feel suffocating. A few more moments pass and, like always happens to him after a panic attack, a sickly wave of embarrassment washes over him.
“I’m sorry-” he whispers.
Yoongi cuts him off with a firm head shake.
“Don’t apologize. That was our number one rule, right?
Namjoon nods weakly. He must still look unsure because Yoongi gives his shoulder another squeeze before he lets go.
“You’re out of that space, okay? You’re here and you made it.”
The words make Namjoon want to cry but he’s too exhausted again.
“Thank you,” he murmurs.
Yoongi shrugs, starting to return to his usual demeanor as well. He stands and eyes Namjoon, pointing his finger.
“You need ice cream,” he says matter of factly.
Namjoon’s blinks in surprise and then returns the small smile Yoongi is giving him. As Yoongi heads to the kitchen, Namjoon’s body falls back heavily into the couch, his eyes starting to grow heavy. There’s a pinpoint of light that provides a small feeling of warmth to him as he realizes that, even though he’s still selfishly terrified of losing Jungkook and Dae, by some stroke of infinite luck, he’ll still have his best friend.
When he wakes again on Yoongi’s pull-out sofa, it’s with a sad heaviness and dull dread. Sighing, he debates on whether or not to go to work. He still feels like shit but also thinks he might actually go crazy if he calls in and just waits around all day. Yoongi gives him a quizzical look over the small kitchen table when he tells him he’s going back to his apartment to shower and get ready for work.
“You sure that’s the best idea? You could call in sick,” he says as he drinks his coffee.
“I know. I definitely thought about it but I need something to get me through the day. I think I’ll just make myself miserable if I just let the day eat away at me.”
Yoongi nods understandingly. They’re both still waking up so the talking is at a minimum as they sip on their coffee but it still feels comforting to have Yoongi’s company. When they finish, Yoongi wanders off to his room to start getting ready. Namjoon goes back to the living room, carefully folding up the sofa and the blankets that he’d been using. He changes quickly out of the oversized pair of sweats Yoongi had lent him and folds those too.
Glancing around, a deep sigh leaves his chest. Coming here had been an escape and leaving is the first step in starting to deal with things. The first step in not running away anymore. He stands still, staring at the couch as he starts to get lost in his thoughts. He glances up when he hears Yoongi pad into the room again. Yoongi slows and searches his face.
“Okay?” he asks.
Namjoon swallows and nods.
“I’m scared,” he murmurs.
“I know. But you can do it. You can always come back here if you need.”
“Thank you,” Namjoon says softly.
Yoongi gives him a nod and then checks his watch.
“I’d better get going.”
Namjoon checks his watch and grimaces.
“Me too. You want a ride to work?” he says as they head to put on their shoes at the front door.
Yoongi waves him off.
“Because that will ensure you won’t be late,” he says with a roll of his eyes.
Namjoon agrees sheepishly as they head out. Yoongi gives him one last shoulder squeeze before they part ways. Namjoon sighs deeply and nods, an attempt at convincing both of them he’s going to make it through this day.
Once Namjoon gets back to the apartment, he showers quickly and changes into work clothes. It already feels off being here. The silence is too much and the emptiness holds new meaning that weighs heavily on his heart and mind. Everything really is going to change tonight. He glances around the space one last time before he leaves again, not fighting the hurt that’s already starting to build up.
The day goes by slowly and too quickly at the same time. The minutes pass in a blur yet are excruciatingly delayed, culminating in a soft throb in his temple that grows as the hours pass. He’s grateful that only a few people stop by his desk and no one seems to be in the mood for small talk, each person getting straight to the point and just asking him questions about their next project. He answers them the best he can and then sighs quietly in relief when they walk off.
He spends half his time checking his phone even though he’s not sure what he’s looking for. Dae had already texted him what time she would be getting back. It had felt strange replying like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t about to throw a wrench in her life once she got back. A wave of guilty nausea had swept through him and he’d had to run to the bathroom. Nothing happened but he was still left with a heavy unease that was now a permanent sensation in the pit of his stomach.
And he knows he won’t be hearing from Jungkook. Knows he has no right to even be wishing for a message from him. Sighing, he looks out the window by his desk. He tries to pretend the prickling want for some form of contact is not there. He’s been trying not to think too much about Jungkook today. The need for compartmentalization is strong, a way of ensuring he copes his way through the day. It feels like a shitty thing to do but it’s what his mind needs right now to not shut off and give up.
When lunchtime rolls around, he doesn’t feel hungry. Just grabs a water and walks to sit on one of the benches outside his work building. Somehow, he manages to focus on nothing. Mind blissfully clear as he takes sips from his water, letting the cool feeling of it sliding down his throat be the only thing that he feels.
The work day finally ends and the throb in his head starts to become more intense. His stomach is twisted up in multiple knots but he ignores all of it as he shuts his computer off and makes his way to the elevators. There’s still a few hours before he needs to pick up Dae at the station that he doesn’t know what to do with.
He goes to the apartment, dropping all his stuff by the door once he enters. Remembering how Dae hates when he does that, he picks everything back up and takes it to his office. He throws it all on the futon and then stares at it. Memories he had pushed aside start to leak through the seal he had forced his mind to have. He’s had sex on that futon. With someone that wasn’t Dae. The betrayal feels like a train hitting him for the hundredth time.
“What the fuck is wrong with me,” he mutters to himself, running a hand through his hair.
He stares for a little bit longer and then pulls himself away from the room, closing the door behind him. Moving to the living room, he tries sitting on the couch but feels too anxious to just stay still. Jumping back up again, he makes his way to the bathroom.
He turns on the shower and strips down. Steps under the water before it’s had time to fully warm up. He doesn’t normally shower right after work but right now, it feels like it’s providing him something to do that requires little brain power. The water runs down his body and he sighs, trying to make his muscles relax. It mildly works and he closes his eyes, letting the water fall over his face. He stays like that for a long time, none of his problems disappearing down the drown but feeling the slightest bit tempered.
When he finally gets out, he moves to the bathroom mirror. Wiping away the steam, he stares at his reflection. It feels like he hasn’t really looked at himself lately. Maybe because he hasn’t wanted to.
Moving to the bedroom, he quickly pulls on clean jeans and a t-shirt. He’s about to leave when his eyes can’t help but be caught by Dae’s nightstand. Hers is far less cluttered than his, the book she’s reading but forget to take and the tray for her rings she takes off every night staring back at him. A thick cloud of emotion starts to rise up in his throat and he bites his lip hard, his heart starting to pound in his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs out, with no one there to receive it.
He stares for another moment and then makes his way shakily back out to the living room and into the kitchen. He drinks three glasses of water consecutively and then he’s back to constantly checking his watch. The last thing he needs to be right now is late picking up Dae from the station.
If he leaves now, he’ll still be early but he doesn’t think he can wait around the apartment anymore. Heading back into the living he grabs his keys and wallet. He makes his way to the front door, hand reached out to open it. Something makes him stop and he turns. Looking around, his eyes drink in every little detail they can about the space the two of them have created. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen after he tells Dae but he knows things will never be the same and there will be no going back. This chapter of their lives is over and it’s killing him that Dae doesn’t even know it yet. That he has forcefully taken the pen from her and become the sole author of a story they started together.
A lone tear slowly makes its way down his face. He wipes it away, trying to take deep breaths and reign in the other tears that are threatening to break free. If he loses himself to his feelings now, he’s afraid he won’t do what needs to be done.
One more glance around and he turns once more. Opens the door and shuts it once he’s on the other side, the motion feeling more poignant than he wants it to.
Soft music that he doesn’t pay attention to bleeds through the speakers as he makes the drive over to the station. He’s grateful the drive isn’t a super short one, giving him more time to try and come to terms with what he has to do. Everything passes by the car windows in a blur, the traffic lights looking like blotches of color that his mind only understands on autopilot.
When he gets to the station, he parks and sits for a while. A final deep sigh and he gets out. Walking slowly over to the platforms, he finds a bench. He tries to people watch but they all start to muddle together too before long. His mind wanders back to the last time he was here. With Jungkook. Kissing him on a platform less than twenty feet away from this one.
He knew that he had severely hurt Jungkook that day but he had been so shocked at seeing Yoongi. So shocked at having been pulled violently back into reality. He had hated it but couldn’t seem to stop. Couldn’t make himself give Jungkook any caring words or gestures, too self centered and preoccupied with what he was feeling.
Staring off into space on the platform, images and memories of Jungkook start to slowly fill his mind. They’re so pretty and lovely and he wants to reach out, caress them carefully with his fingertips and let the warmth of his skin reassure them that he still cares. The images get closer and closer but something stops them before they can fully form. Unfinished feelings and talks making his mind unable to make them fully bloom and develop. They float away and are replaced with images of his relationship with Dae. That is what needs his complete focus right now. So he lets Jungkook go for now, shaking his head back to the present.
Checking the time, he’s surprised to see that he doesn’t have much more to wait before Dae’s train will be arriving. Getting up, he stands but then feels too filled with nervous energy to be still. He starts to pace but then feels self-conscious even though he’s pretty sure no one is paying him any mind. Forcing himself to stand still, he watches other trains come and go.
And then her train is pulling up. It feels strange to be so nervous about seeing someone who has been such a comforting and vital part of his life. The doors slide open and he watches carefully for her. When he spots her, he’s a bit surprised when an automatic smile reaches his face. He feels like he has no right to smile at her but he can’t help it.
She glances around and sees him, a smile mirroring his crossing her face. She weaves her way over to him, lacing her arms around his neck when she reaches him. Leaning down, he wraps her in a tight hug. Lets her hair tickle his face and the familiar scent of her favorite perfume fill his lungs. She starts to pull back after a moment but he’s not ready to let go even though he knows he should. She laughs in surprise but returns the hug again. Will this be the last time he gets to hug her? The last time she’ll want a hug or affection from him? The thought hurts deep but he knows it would be a valid feeling for her to have. One more squeeze and he manages to let go. Taking a step back, she searches his face with a curious smile.
“Missed me that much, huh?” she teases gently.
He just nods, taking her bag and leading the way through the throng of people. They reach the car and he puts her bag in the back while she climbs into the passenger seat. She chats lightly about her trip on the ride back, Namjoon listening and nodding with a small smile here and there. It’s nice to hear her voice, soft and lilting. He wishes he could add more words to match hers but right now, he just wants to listen.
They’re close to arriving home when Namjoon realizes there isn’t much of anything to eat. Food hasn’t been on his mind at all today. He looks over at Dae apologetically.
“Are you hungry? I don’t think there’s anything in the fridge,” he says.
Dae laughs and shrugs.
“Can we just order in later if we need something?”
Namjoon nods, tensing slightly at thinking about later. He hopes Dae doesn’t notice. He glances over at her again but she’s looking out the window. He relaxes and then feels guilty for relaxing.
They make it back, Namjoon getting the bag from the trunk while Dae smiles at him. He follows her to their front door and waits while she unlocks it. They walk in, Dae taking a deep breath and grinning.
“Nice to be back,” she hums.
Namjoon swallows nervously and walks hollowly to their room to drop her bag off. When he returns, Dae is already snuggling into the couch. He inhales quietly and makes his way over, sitting down next to her.
Leaning back into the cushions, Dae eyes him with curious but uncertain eyes.
“So. You want to tell me what’s bothering you now or later?”
The words are gentle but serious and make Namjoon look over at her with wide eyes. She laughs softly at his expression.
“You really think I can’t tell when something is wrong?”
Namjoon’s teeth dig harshly into his lower lip and he looks down at his hands for a moment. This is really happening. He has to do this. Has to hurt yet another person he cares so much about. His body feels heavy and numb but his mind is going a mile a minute, trying to hold it together like if he does, somehow Dae will be hurt less. He flinches when a hand reaches over and tries to take his hand. He looks up immediately and sees surprise over Dae’s pretty face.
“Sorry,” he says quietly.
He opens his hand palm up on his knee to allow her to give him another chance. Tentatively, she slips her smaller hand into his but her eyes are becoming more and more uncertain.
“I…do need to tell you something,” he says shakily.
Dae nods gently, searching his face. He inhales and exhales slowly. The realization that there are no magical words that will lessen the blow of his actions hits him hard. No way of saying this that will somehow make what he’s done less of a betrayal. He doesn’t even feel it when a tear slips down his cheek. Dae leans in closer once she sees, alarm mixing in with the other emotions painted across her face. Another sharp slash is added to his heart.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers before anything else.
“Sorry? For what? Honey, what’s going on?” she asks, voice starting to sound scared.
The tone makes Namjoon want to cry more but he doesn’t want to lose himself to that. Not yet, at least. He bites into his lower lip again and tries to take another deep breath. It feels like a foreign concept that simple words strung together can hold enough meaning to change everything. But they do.
“I…I’ve been sleeping with someone else.”
The words don’t even feel like they’ve come from his mouth. The voice sounds off, distant and foggy. The words feel prickly and mean, words that feel like they would only be said with the intention of hurting someone. But they are out there now and there is truly no going back. They hang heavy in the air as neither of them speak any further.
Dae stares at him for what feels like years, eyes wide and unblinking. He waits, ready to accept any way that she reacts. Her grip on his hand tightens and she starts to shake her head.
“W-what did you just say?” she whispers.
Namjoon swallows thickly. He’s not sure if she really wants him to repeat the words but doesn’t know what else to do. He nods slowly to show she heard him right the first time.
“I slept with someone else,” he repeats quietly.
Her grip on his hand tightens even more and then slowly lets go, the action feeling too telling. She pulls her hand back and leans away, staring at him.
“You’ve been sleeping with someone else,” she echoes hollowly.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t…I’m just so sorry,” he says thickly.
Her brows crease and she looks away, staring into space for a long while.
“I don’t understand,” she finally says slowly.
He wishes she would yell at him. Punch him. Slap him. But instead, she remains icy and withheld. He can tell she wants to cry and it hurts his heart to see her trying to hold it all in.
“You slept with another woman?”
Namjoon tries not to wince. He shakes his head.
“No,” he murmurs.
Confusion meets her withheld anger for a moment.
“What?”
“I…it was with a man.”
She blinks in surprise and then closes her eyes, taking a deep breath.
“A man,” she says.
Her eyes shoot open and then narrow at him.
“Who?”
Saying his name out loud to her feels like it will be the last sever. The last thing that she will want to hear but needs to know.
“Jungkook.”
Dae recoils like he has struck her and stands abruptly. The tears she’s been holding back start to fall angrily down her face. He wants to stand too but doesn’t want to feel like an overpowering presence. Instead, he moves to sit on the edge of the couch and looks up at her, his chest constricting at the pain written across her face.
“You cheated. With Jungkook,” she manages to say shakily.
It’s not a question but a statement. Her letting the words and what they mean soak in even more. Namjoon swallows, his breaths trembling through his throat and down into his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Dae. I don’t…as shitty as it sounds, I don’t know how to explain it right now. I just know that I’m so sorry and I…always thought I would be the last person to hurt you but I did. And I hate that. And I’m just so sorry,” he manages to get out as more tears fall down his face.
Dae stares at him while he talks but he can’t tell if she’s actually retaining any of what he’s saying.
“I don’t understand,” she says again, voice tight with anger and sadness.
Namjoon stares back at her tear stained face. He opens his mouth to speak but she holds her hand up.
“No. Don’t. You don’t get to talk anymore.”
Namjoon closes his mouth and nods. The harsh words hang in the air and he expects her to storm off but she doesn’t. Instead, her hand drops and her wet eyes stay trained on him. He stays put, giving her time to decide what she wants to do next.
He feels his face fall even more as he gazes back at her. It feels so deeply wrong with what he’s known about them for the last few years. That he is the one responsible for hurting Dae in this way. All the emotions and feelings they’ve shared feel like they are playing for him in slow motion. A retrospective that he isn’t ready to have.
The longer they stare at each other, the more he thinks Dae is experiencing the same thing. A departure that neither of them are fully ready for but has hit them hard. The colors of their relationship slowly bleeding out but not before there’s one last burst of red.
Almost unaware of what he’s doing, he slowly reaches out to her. He’s half surprised and half not when Dae looks at his hand for a moment and then tentatively fits hers into his. It feels like they both simultaneously know and don’t know what is happening. A strange suspension that neither are prepared to fully talk about or express yet.
They hold onto each other for some time, tears still sliding down both of their faces. Dae takes a deep breath as her tears start to come out harder. And Namjoon knows this is it for now. She takes her hand back and her pretty features harden again. She takes a step back, moving away from him.
“I don’t think I know you,” she says.
She turns and everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion again. She goes to their bedroom and emerges again almost immediately with her bag. Namjoon watches as she makes her way to the front door. Her hand is one the handle, ready to pull it open. But before she does, she turns to look at him one more time as he finally stands.
“Do you still love me?” she whispers.
The words and her tone, scared but still somehow strong, make Namjoon want to crumble away.
“Yes,” he murmurs truthfully.
She sighs and looks down at the floor.
“But you’re not in love with me anymore,” she whispers.
It’s not a question. It’s a statement. One that Namjoon hadn’t even let himself fully think yet. It just hurts too much. Hearing it directly from Dae makes his heart feel like it’s stopping, beating less and less until there’s nothing but a faint throb. His mouth falls open but he can’t make any more words come out. Dae blinks back at him with wet lashes. She gives a small nod of understanding and turns towards the door again. She opens it and then she’s gone.
Namjoon sinks into the armchair by the window, head cradled in his hands as the overwhelmed tears start to fall freely. He still feels like he’s having an out of body experience. Surely this is someone else who is causing all this pain. It can’t be him. It just can’t be. But another shuddering cry he feels deep in his chest lets him know it is. This is all his doing. And there’s no taking it back, no handling things better with either one of them.
Glued to the armchair, he loses track of how long he remains in his own heavy silence. Every time he thinks the tears have dried up, another storm of them appears. After the fourth set of them, he digs the heels of his palms into his eye sockets. Leaning back, his spine hits the chair and he blinks blearily. Looking out the window, the shape of the moon outside starts to come into focus. He stares at it for a long time, half thinking and half letting his mind start to shut down.
Numbly, he pulls his phone out of his jeans pocket. He brings the screen up close to his face, his tired and swollen eyes not wanting to read the numbers. He sighs when he sees the time. He really doesn’t want to stay here tonight and even though Yoongi had told he could go back to his place, he feels like such a burden.
Opening his phone, he feels a pang of disappointment at not seeing anything from Dae but then feels stupid. Of course she wouldn’t text to let him know she was safe with a friend. Suddenly, he starts to worry that maybe she isn’t safe. What if she was too emotional to make it to where she was going? His thumbs hover over his text thread with her but then he closes it. He knows her. Has seen her in highly emotional situations before. Seen her always do what she needed to do and then let her emotions out fully once she felt she was safe to do so.
Staring at his other text threads, he sees the one with Yoongi. He presses it and then does the same thing he did with Dae’s, just lets his thumbs hover. He sighs in frustration but then startles when a new message appears.
It’s from Yoongi, asking him if he's okay. He almost starts crying again at the careful check in, swallowing hard. A simple no and Yoongi is telling him to come over.
He feels hazy the entire time he packs a small overnight bag and then takes a bus over to Yoongi’s. He doesn’t trust himself to drive right now, mind too on the edge of a precipice that looks too tempting to fall from.
Once he gets there, Yoongi opens the door for him with an understanding sadness on his face. He pulls Namjoon inside and sits him gently down on the couch. He sits next to him but they remain silent for some time. Namjoon finally turns his head to look at him.
“Later, okay?”
Yoongi nods.
“Of course,” he says.
“Thank you. For everything,” Namjoon murmurs.
Yoongi shakes his head with a serious expression.
“You would do it for me,” he answers plainly.
Namjoon nods, body and mind still numb but grateful.
He doesn’t even remember falling asleep. Just wakes and realizes he’s still seated on Yoongi's couch. His head has dropped back to settle on the cushions, body slightly confused at having been asleep upright. Sighing, he blinks the sleep away. The room is dark except for the small lamp in the corner Yoongi had left on. Slowly bringing his head back up, he sees that Yoongi has also set a blanket and pillow next to him. Namjoon wants to smile at the caring gesture but still feels too sad and tired.
He remains on the couch for a couple of more moments before he forces his achy body to stand. His skin feels too tight across his muscles and bones, like someone stretched him too thin and then snapped him back into place haphazardly.
His eyes adjust to the dimness as he goes to his bag and rummages around. When he finds his toothbrush and toothpaste, he shuffles quietly to the hallway bathroom. He moves slowly to keep quiet, brushing his teeth and dampening his face with some cool water. Once he’s done, he goes back to the living room. Changing into the sweats he brought, he shakes out the blanket and settles back on the couch, lying his head on the pillow. His body seems to sigh in relief at finally being horizontal. And even though he’s exhausted, he starts to think and his mind carefully comes to a few conclusions. He knows now is probably not the best time to fully decide on anything so he promises to check in again with himself in the morning. For now, he lets them seep and allows his mind to float back towards sleep.
The smell of coffee is the next thing to wake him. Carefully stretching his muscles and letting his eyelids remain heavy, he savors the few minutes of waking where the brain remains empty and hazy with sleep. When it’s over, he sighs and reaches for his phone.
“Shit, was I too loud?” Yoongi murmurs when he sees Namjoon’s awake from the kitchen doorway.
Namjoon shakes his head.
“No, not at all.”
Yoongi nods and disappears for a moment, reappearing with another mug of coffee. He pads over and hands one to Namjoon. Namjoon takes it gratefully as he curls his legs in to give Yoongi space to sit. They sip silently for a bit, both still letting the last dregs of sleep fall away.
“Guess I just passed out last night, huh?” Namjoon asks.
“Pretty much,” Yoongi replies with a chuckle.
They sip some more before Namjoon speaks again.
“I’m gonna call in today. I don’t think my mind or body can handle work right now,” he says.
Yoongi nods understandingly.
“You can hang out here, no problem.”
Namjoon manages a small smile this time.
“Thanks. Maybe for a little bit.”
Yoongi tilts his head to look at him questioningly. Namjoon chews his lip for a moment, the thoughts and decisions he was going to test out this morning now fully formed and cemented.
“I’m going back to the apartment. I…I know it won’t feel right to be there but I need to start facing things. To stop hiding. Stop running away. And this is my first step,” he tries to explain quietly.
Yoongi hums encouragingly.
“I understand. Reach out whenever, okay?”
Namjoon nods gratefully. One decision spoken into existence. Now for another.
“I do have one thing to ask. If that’s okay?”
Yoongi rolls his eyes good naturedly.
“Course it’s okay,” he huffs.
Namjoon squeezes his mug harder and looks down into the little bit of dark liquid still there.
“Can you text Dae and Jungkook and make sure they are…as okay as they can be? You don’t have to tell me anything they say, just a thumbs up that they…” he trails off, not finding the word he wants.
“Sure, I can do that,” Yoongi replies, saving Namjoon from adding more.
“Thank you,” Namjoon murmurs gratefully.
They finish they’re coffee and Yoongi stands to finish getting ready for work. Namjoon calls work and brushes his teeth, deciding to remain in his slightly rumpled sweats. He folds the blanket again and sets it and the pillow neatly on the couch. Yoongi emerges again, ready to head off.
“Text me whenever,” he says, readjusting the strap of his bag.
“Okay. Thanks,” Namjoon nods tiredly but with a thin smile.
Yoongi looks a little unsure about leaving him and Namjoon tries to stand a little taller, look more sure than he feels.
“I’ll be okay. Really,” he says.
Yoongi eyes him and nods, moving to open the door. He gives Namjoon one last wave before he closes the door behind him. Namjoon exhales slowly at being alone again, glancing around Yoongi’s apartment. He goes to the kitchen to get more coffee and returns to sit on the couch. He thinks about going back to sleep for a bit but then decides against it. Afraid if he falls asleep now, his body won’t let him wake until the day is done. That sleep will only l serve as a way to do more running away, more avoiding.
He sips the coffee slowly, clicking on the t.v. just for some noise and distraction. He doesn’t search through the channels, just leaves it on whatever Yoongi was watching last. He stays like that for some time until he decides he can handle movement. One step at a time. Standing, he stretches and goes to the kitchen to wash his mug out.
Clicking the t.v. off when he’s done, he makes his way to the front door and opens it, stepping outside. He wants to go for one more walk, the area of Yoongi’s apartment providing newer sights than the ones he’s used to.
He walks for a long time, letting the slight breeze ruffle his unstyled hair. His thoughts float between Dae and Jungkook. Each time he remembers something good about his time with one of them, the memory starts to drip like wax. Each a pretty candle that he’s lit a match to. He sighs, shaking his head at himself. He’s so tired. So tired of himself. Tired of being this person that has hurt two people in such harsh and unthoughtful ways. The tiredness reaches deep within him, vines curling around him and squeezing hard. Suffocating him. His vision becomes blurry and he slows his breathing but keeps walking. Just lets a few tears fall loose and then wipes his eyes.
He doesn’t know how long the walk is, just that his feet are tired by the time he makes it back to Yoongi’s. He goes straight to the kitchen, getting a glass of water for himself and washing it immediately after he’s done. Going back to the living room, he looks around. The space isn’t overly decorated or cluttered but he sees little hints of Yoongi everywhere. His guitar, his current book on the end table. He smiles gently and feels another wave of gratitude.
Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, he moves to get his bag from the floor. He slips back into his shoes and makes his way out, letting the door to Yoongi’s apartment close behind him.
He puts his earbuds in as he walks to the bus stop, ignoring the slight tinge of discomfort his feet send him. Once on the bus, he picks a seat at the back and leans his head on the glass. The coolness of it feels nice on his skin even though the ride is a little too bumpy for it to be completely comfortable. Soft melodies of the music he’s listening to waft through his thoughts. But the ride isn’t very long and he’s at his stop before he knows it. Before he feels ready for it.
Exiting the bus, he stands still. Needing a moment before he makes his legs take him back to the apartment. He takes a couple of deep breaths and then manages to take one step and then another. Then he’s in front of the complex. Then the elevator door. Then his own front door. One more deep breath before he unlocks it.
The first step into the quiet apartment feels heavy, loneliness greeting him immediately. There’s a second of feeling like maybe all this really could just be in his head, considering the apartment looks it always does. Only two people would realize that something is off, would feel that things are no longer the same.
The door closes behind him and he leans on it, eyes roaming over everything before he steps in any further. When he manages to unglue himself from the door, he walks directly to the bedroom to put everything away from his overnight bag. He can tell Dae hasn’t been back, recognizes all her things still in place except for the ones she took on her trip. The sight of her belongings makes his chest ache deeply while simultaneously providing a familiar comfort.
Settling in his armchair, he plays some quiet music from his phone. Now that he’s completed these first steps, he’s not sure what the next ones are. He guesses he doesn’t need to know this minute. He made it through the door of their apartment. That was big. And even though the logical part of his brain wants to have the next steps planned out, he lets his emotional side win out this time. He can think, probably overthink, later.
He’s staring out the window when his phone buzzes. He checks the screen and sees it’s a message from Yoongi. Unlocking his phone, he opens the text. A single thumbs up emoji. Despite his aching heart, he feels two washes of relief. One for each person.
Time moves strangely for the next few weeks. He goes back to work but feels like he’s doing everything on autopilot. None of his projects excite him anymore and he goes about all the work not really caring if he’s doing any of it correctly. He knows he doesn’t have long before somebody notices but even that seems of little importance.
He always feels lost when he gets back to the apartment. Not used to no one ever being there. The absence of everything he’s gotten used to. He spends a lot of time in his home office, replaying all the events that have taken place in this chapter of his life. Mulling over questions about himself. About Dae. About Jungkook.
He reads in his armchair and goes on long walks to pass the time when he's not at work. It’s a horribly depressing feeling, just waiting for time to pass. No excitement for anything, work being his main distraction from the feeling of emptiness that is starting to grow deep in the pit of his stomach. Like each day is scooping out another handful of his sanity and his well being. Will keep scooping until there is nothing left.
One evening when he gets back from work, he can tell Dae has been there. Notices right away more of her belongings are missing. More clothes. Her skincare. Her jewelry tray. He walks from room to room aimlessly, zeroing in on the new empty places he sees around the apartment. When he’s done, he sinks down into his office chair and cries softly. As his tears dry up for the evening and he’s staring off into space, he can’t help but acknowledge that he’s slightly solaced knowing she has more of her belongings. The things that he knows provide her comfort. That she doesn’t feel barred from this because of him.
But a new heaviness starts to weigh on him as the days pass and he still doesn’t know what his next step is. He composes different drafts of messages to both Dae and Jungkook but always ends up deleting them. None of the words he types out are right and he really wants them both to have more time away from him for now anyway. Doesn’t want to reenter their space, mentally or emotionally, without their consent.
Yoongi invites him over a couple of times and checks in with him often but Namjoon declines each time. His new routine of work and counting the minutes until work starts to carve itself so deeply into him, he’s not sure he’s capable of doing anything else. Feels like he would just be a nuisance anywhere and to anyone.
It’s late afternoon on a Saturday when Namjoon decides to go for a walk. The weekends have gotten progressively harder, no work to distract him and not outings to look forward to. He feels like the walls of the apartment are starting to close in on him more and more. Will continue to close in until there’s nothing left of him but a pile of dust. And maybe that would be best for everyone, anyway.
Sometimes the walks feel like too much of a chore but he’s always grateful once he’s out in the fresh air. That’s what it feels like today, his body moving slowly at first to the point where he really does wonder if he should just go back inside. But the thought of the quietness and the impossibility of anyone filling it makes him keep walking.
Eventually, his body relaxes a bit and he starts to feel glad that he made himself keep going. He watches the sinking sun as he walks, filling his lungs with fresh air that feels so much better than that of the stale apartment.
Like most weekends, his mind wanders to thinking about what Dae and Jungkook are doing. If they’re any better off than he is. He hopes they are. Hopes that he hasn’t made their lives impossible to cope with even though that’s how he feels. But the difference between them and him is that he deserves it. Deserves this perpetual feeling of falling down a black chasm that seems to have no ending. Lately, he’s at a point where he’d rather crash and crumble into the end than keep falling.
He slows as he stares at the way the lowering sun watercolors and mixes with the horizon, a soft meeting as the two bleed into each other. Separated throughout the day but returning to each other every morning and evening. Beautiful clockwork that can’t be disturbed.
His legs carry him on as he keeps admiring the colors, eyes and mind not focused on what path his feet are taking him on. When he does finally pull his eyes back to his immediate surroundings, he notices the familiar setting. Sees the walkway to his favorite park up ahead.
A small flutter of something that almost feels like excitement travels through him. The thought of visiting one of his favorite places making him almost smile. He walks closer and enters the park slowly, appreciating the flowers and the pretty colors they greet him with. Crosses over the small bridge that always makes him feel like he’s entering a world away from everything else. Walks towards the semi secret entrance off to the side.
He enters the small space between the hedges that he likes to pretend only he, and one other person, know about. He blinks in surprise when he sees someone is already occupying the small, secluded space. His mind doesn’t register much about the person who is lying in the grass, still too surprised that anyone is here at all.
Even though he hasn’t said anything, the space is quiet enough that the person hears there’s someone else around. They sit up slowly to look around and Namjoon has apologies on the tip of his tongue when his eyes fall on the pretty face and all words vacate his mind.
Everything seems to fall to silence. His thoughts, his feelings, even the sounds of people in the park and the soft rustle of the leaves in the breeze. Like even the blood flowing through his veins stills, body stunned and dazed. They stare at each other, Jungkook’s eyes wide with surprise and uncertainty. The realization that Jungkook is and might remain alarmed by his presence hurts but he knows it’s a reaction that is warranted.
Without thinking, Namjoon takes a step forward and then immediately backs away again. Like Jungkook is a pretty creature he’s happened upon and doesn’t want to scare off. He supposes he is. But he doesn’t want to be the one to disrupt his space now, already having done that enough physically and emotionally.
Even though he doesn’t know what to do, seeing Jungkook makes something in him feel warm. A small flicker and spark that is welcome in the darkness that he’s shrouded his mind and body in. A reassurance that Jungkook is still very much real, not a wisp of a dream that he feared was going to be forever relegated to his memories. The fear of them slowly slipping away ever present even though he had worked hard to etch every touch, feeling and sensation into his being.
Noticing Jungkook hasn’t moved at all, Namjoon’s heart slowly starts to sink. He breaks the eye contact and nods minutely to himself. He needs to leave. He’s not wanted here and he needs to be okay with that.
“I…I’m sorry. I’ll l-leave,” he whispers hoarsely.
He’s about to turn but he can’t help himself. He needs one last look. His eyes travel back up to find Jungkook still staring at him. Another moment passes and then Jungkook looks to the side, brows creased in thought.
“You can stay,” he says quietly.
Namjoon’s breath stills and it takes his mind a second to realize Jungkook’s words are real. Jungkook looks up at him, fingers nervously playing over the ink on his knuckles. Namjoon swallows and nods again. He manages to unglue himself from his spot and walk deeper into the secluded area.
He doesn’t know what to do, body feeling shaky and unsure. When he reaches Jungkook, he swallows nervously. Jungkook doesn’t look up at him, eyes remaining on the grass. Taking a deep breath, Namjoon lowers himself down slowly, not wanting to get too close but also not wanting to appear like he doesn’t want to be here. He settles into the grass, trying to decide which words are allowed and which aren’t. If any are at all.
Jungkook continues to look down into the blades, starting to pick at them. Deciding it’s best to give him time, Namjoon doesn’t interrupt the silence. He senses a new, strange energy between them but he supposes that is to be expected after everything that has happened. Before he can get too lost in how sad that makes him, Jungkook’s gaze leaves the grass and focuses on him. Namjoon’s heart starts to slowly pick up speed at having those eyes on him again. At being allowed to even be in this space with Jungkook. Having Jungkook’s pretty eyes on him is so special but he knows he needs to be careful with what he lets it mean to him. Doesn’t want to hurt either of them with a fantasy of the future.
Jungkook studies him and Namjoon lets him until Jungkook seems to realize how intently he’s staring and draws his gaze away self consciously. Namjoon wants to reach out or tell him it’s okay but refrains, clenching his hand to stop himself. Jungkook looks down, starting to trace his tattoos again. Namjoon watches, noticing the gesture and remembering doing the same one. Knows it would make him smile under different circumstances.
Sensing Namjoon’s eyes still on him, Jungkook looks up again. But this time, the longer he looks, the more his face fills with hurt and anger. Darkness starting to cloud his pretty features, slashes cut into a painting that was previously pristine. A lone tear leaks from Jungkook’s eye and the full extent of his actions comes crashing down on Namjoon again.
It feels stupid to just say I’m sorry . For those to be the only words he shares between the two of them after everything. After everything he’s done. He knows they won’t fix things but also knows that he truly is sorry. That he still can’t understand why he did what he did but he knows that he can’t forgive himself. For any of this. He does reach out this time, hand suspended between them but stopping before he makes contact.
“Kook, I’m…I’m so sorry ,” he whispers, words already thick with emotion.
Another tear starts to roll down Jungkook’s cheek. His jaw unclenches and his brows smooth out but his eyes remain glassy and filled with sadness. He looks at Namjoon’s hand still raised between them. Blinking slowly, he tentatively reaches up and takes Namjoon’s hand in his. The skin on skin contact makes Namjoon’s breath hitch and he watches as Jungkook leads him to cup his cheek. Closing his eyes, Jungkook leans into the warmth of Namjoon’s soft cradle. Namjoon holds his breath at being gifted this moment and touch that feels too good to be true. Ever so gently, his thumb glides over the soft skin and wipes away the moisture there.
“I don’t want to talk right now, okay?” Jungkook murmurs, eyes still closed.
“Okay,” Namjoon replies softly, still caressing Jungkook’s cheek.
Jungkook sighs shakily and opens his eyes after another moment. He pulls away from Namjoon’s touch and Namjoon’s hand feels immediately cold but he counts himself lucky at the touch that was accepted. He pulls his hand back into his own space and chews on his lip.
He’s surprised when Jungkook lowers back down to lie on the grass. He lies on his side, still facing Namjoon as he pillows his cheek on a folded arm, the other resting on the grass between them. He’s not sure how but he knows it’s not a signal for him to leave.
Moving carefully, his own body lowers into the grass as a mirror to Jungkook’s. He places his hand next to his as they face each other, careful not to touch unless invited again. Jungkook doesn’t look at him, instead focusing his attention on their close hands.
They stay like that for a while, breaths quiet and close to mingling but purposefully not. A careful pull of want and avoidance mixing in the air between them. Namjoon’s eyes travel over Jungkook’s features, still painted in an emotional shade of blue melancholy. He knows Jungkook can feel his gaze but still doesn’t meet it.
Their hands are so close on the grass, he can practically feel Jungkook’s warmth again. It would take the smallest of movements to have their skin touching but Namjoon doesn’t move. Soaks in what he can from where he is.
Another moment passes and then Jungkook is inching his hand closer. Namjoon pulls his gaze away from Jungkook’s face and to their hands. Watches as Jungkook lifts his hand and gently places it on top of his own. The contact feels immediately warm again. Lovely and soothing but still laced with uncertainty.
Time seems to slow for this moment that may appear small but is vast between the two of them. Namjoon’s body and mind steeping in Jungkook’s touch and presence. Jungkook still doesn’t look at him but starts to draw patterns over the back of Namjoon’s hand. The action feels like such a Jungkook one and it pulls at Namjoon’s heart. Knowing he’s broken huge boulders of his relationship with Jungkook but sensing that, miraculously, some small stones remain.
He goes back to watching Jungkook’s face and sees that his brows are knit together, an expression of intense thought written across his face. He wants badly to ask what he’s thinking but respects what Jungkook had requested earlier. No talking. Not right now.
Jungkook closes his eyes for a moment and then opens them to meet Namjoon’s gaze. They fall into another stretch of just observing each other. It’s a space that holds something Namjoon can’t quite put his finger on. Doesn’t know if he wants to. If he’s ready. He wonders if Jungkook feels the same.
Jungkook's chest rises with a deep breath and then he’s turning on his back. He stares up at the sky, hand pulling away too. That familiar cold sweeps over Namjoon again but he manages to ignore it as he observes Jungkook’s side profile. The pretty shape of his nose, the curve of his lips.
“I need to go soon,” Jungkook murmurs.
Turning to look at the sky, Namjoon sees how low the sun has set. Everything has a bluish tint to it in this lighting. A dreamy cast blanketed over everything that Namjoon feels is part real, part his own creation.
“Okay,” he answers, an echo of his earlier acceptance.
Jungkook sits up and Namjoon follows. Waits patiently as Jungkook takes another deep breath and a moment to gather himself. When he stands, Namjoon does too. Jungkook looks around the secluded space a bit wistfully as they begin to walk silently to the opening in the hedges. They slip through one at a time, leaving behind the nameless occurrence that has just transpired.
Jungkook remains next to him as they start on the pathway through the main park, the sky seeming to grow darker quickly now. Namjoon tries to ignore the sadness that is starting to grow in the pit of his stomach at having to leave Jungkook. At having not fixed anything. But he knows that neither of them were prepared for this. Prepared to be in each other’s orbit again without any warning. Now is not the time to let his words flow freely without having taken more time to think them over. That’s not something Jungkook needs right now. Or ever again.
Once they're back at the entrance to the park, Namjoon tentatively turns to face Jungkook again. Jungkook does the same but keeps his eyes to the side and not on Namjoon’s face. Namjoon clears his throat, nervous to break the silence. Still so scared of saying something wrong. Takes a deep breath before he begins what he hopes are okay words.
“I’ll be here. Whenever, if ever, you want to talk. I’ll be here,” he says quietly.
He can feel his voice going thick with emotion again and tries to control it with another deep breath. Jungkook chews his lip and looks at him, eyes seeming to be permanently glassy in a way that makes Namjoon want to cry himself. He opens his mouth but then closes it again. Changing his mind about what he was just about to voice to Namjoon. He nods and hugs his arms around himself.
“Okay,” he murmurs.
“Okay.”
One more look into each other’s eyes. One more moment that is filled with questions, hurt and something more that remains hidden away from both of them for now. As the moment slowly starts to fade away, they both turn and walk in their separate directions. And, even though it hurts, putting distance between each other feels like an end and a beginning to Namjoon.
Namjoon thinks about that unexpected meeting in the park a lot over the next few weeks. He doesn’t hear from Jungkook and doesn’t expect to so soon after catching each other off guard.
He thinks a lot about Dae too. About everything else in his life that still needs work and healing.
His phone pings with a new message one night while he’s reading in his armchair. He closes his book with his thumb still holding his place. Patting around for his phone, he finds it wedged behind the cushion. Glancing at the lit up screen, he blinks. Reads the name again. Sits up, tossing his forgotten book to the side. Reads the name on the screen again and then again. Dae .
He’s immediately nervous. Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them again, he opens the message and stares at it.
Dae: Will you be home tomorrow around 6? I want to get some more things. I may want to talk or I may not. And you need to be okay with either option.
After multiple readings of the message, he feels himself nodding. She’s only spoken so directly to him a couple of times but he knows it’s how she’s handling things. Knows that she is one hundred percent justified.
He waits a couple of minutes to be sure of what he wants to say even though he knows his answer will be simple. Typing slowly, he rereads everything and presses send.
I’ll be home. Okay, I understand and will respect whatever decision you make.
He waits to see if she says anything more but isn’t surprised when his phone doesn’t buzz again. Falling back into the armchair again, he looks out the window. His heart is beating fast, nerves still flowing through him. It’s a sad and strange feeling to feel this way about hearing from and seeing Dae. Someone who was his comfort is now someone who he’s not sure how to act around. But Dae has always had a quiet strongness to her. She will let him know either way. The thought almost makes him smile. A side of her that people don’t know about until she decides to exert it.
He stares out the window for a long time, seemingly always thinking and replaying things over in his mind. If she does want to talk, he carefully pieces together some things he thinks he wants to say. That he wants her to hear but only if she wants to listen. Tries to also prepare for an icy reception because that would be well within her right. He falls asleep in the chair, dreams still filled with memories of the past and thoughts of the future.
The next day, work goes by in its usual blur. But instead of the monotony of empty and lonely evenings, he actually has something happening. A big something happening. He’s still nervous but it’s settled into a cautious acceptance. Not of what he’s done to get them to this position but that Dae will proceed in what way she sees best for now.
When he gets home, he changes out of his work clothes and showers. The steam and hot water help to clear his mind a little bit and he stays under the water for a long time. His fingers are pruny when he finally gets out. Going to the closet in the bedroom, he throws on some sweats and a t-shirt and then sits on the bed.
Looking around, he realizes how empty it looks. To anyone else, it might look like a normal bedroom but not to him. Because he knows everything that’s missing. And it’s not just the physical items. It feels like Dae’s essence is slowly disappearing from him and his life too. Something he would never have imagined happening. Sighing deeply, he makes himself stand and go back into the living room. The second room where he now spends most of his time. It feels like the most neutral space even though it too has obvious signs that there is something missing.
It feels silly to just sit and wait for Dae but he doesn’t know what else to do. He picks up his book and tries to read but just ends up rereading the same paragraph over and over again. He pulls out his phone, hoping maybe a video will distract him. He halfheartedly scrolls around and then starts watching, mind only picking up fragments of what the streamer is saying.
When there’s a knock at the door, he flinches and quickly shuts off his phone. He blinks in surprise and then realizes it must be Dae. He was so sure she would just let herself in. Hadn’t thought about that she may already not think of this space as her. Feel as though she’s not welcome. The realization makes his heart ache as he stands and heads for the door.
He takes a deep breath and then opens it. It feels odd staring at Dae on the opposite side of what his mind has learned to always think of her on. Odd to see her looking like a visitor at their doorstep. She looks back at him with an unreadable expression as he steps aside to let her pass.
“Hey,” he manages to murmur out.
Dae steps inside and walks deeper into the apartment before she turns around to look at him again.
“Hey,” she repeats back to him.
They fall into momentary silence and Dae breaks their gaze.
“Mind if I…” she trails off, nodding towards the bedroom.
“Of course. You don’t need to ask,” Namjoon says, already feeling overly emotional.
Dae just hums and makes her way into the bedroom. Namjoon stands still for a couple of moments, unsure of what to do next. He decides to sit on the couch and wait, not wanting to crowd Dae while she does what she needs to do.
He hears her rummaging around softly, the occasional click of hangers. He doesn’t know how long she works but when she reemerges, it’s with a heavy duffle. The sight makes a thick wad of emotion travel up his throat but he swallows it back down. He doesn’t really know why but he stands, as if at attention for her next move.
She walks over to the couch and looks at him for a moment. Setting the duffle down, she sighs deeply. She motions back towards the couch.
“Let’s sit, okay?” she says.
Namjoon nods and they both take stiff seats on the couch. He can tell they’re both noticing how the body language is already so different between the two of them. Dae tilts her head to look at him sadly as her eyes travel over the both of them.
“Are we really strangers now?” she asks softly.
The question catches Namjoon off guard but also immediately hurts. He closes his eyes for a moment.
“I don’t know. I hate it if we are. But I also understand if we are,” he replies slowly, careful in his choice of words.
“Me too.”
It feels like Namjoon’s body and mind can’t keep pretending. He moves to face Dae on the couch and swallows thickly.
“Is it okay to say I’m sorry?” he asks tentatively.
Dae’s body starts to lose some of its rigidness too but she holds herself back, still looking overwhelmed.
“You already told me you’re sorry,” she says tiredly.
Chewing on his lip, he nods. Thinks this is her way of saying she doesn’t want to talk anymore. But she stares at him for a moment and then starts to speak again.
“That first night? When I left? I was so angry with you. I really thought I hated you. I tried to hate you. But then I realized that, no, I don’t hate you. I hate what you did but I just couldn’t make myself hate you ,” she says slowly.
She narrows her eyes at him.
“And believe me, I tried hard,” she adds.
“That’s…I don’t deserve you not hating me,” Namjoon says, still letting her words sink in.
Dae just shakes her head.
“I am still angry with you, though. I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong. Kept looking for clues that I was sure I missed as to why this happened. I started driving myself crazy until I realized there were no clues.”
A tear makes a path down her cheek as Namjoon feels his own eyes start to sting.
“Why didn’t you talk to me? How could you just lie to me like that?”
Namjoon has to swallow before he can speak.
“I was so…scared. I didn’t know why I was feeling the way that I was and I couldn’t handle it. I know that’s a shit answer but it's what happened. You’re right. There were no clues. You did nothing wrong. At all. It was all me. I hate that I lied to you. That I hurt you so much. I’m still scared to look more closely at why I lied. I just...blocked away the bad stuff I was doing and pummeled through doing what I wanted,” he says wetly.
He immediately hates everything he just said but Dae isn’t looking at him with disgust or disdain. Instead, she’s looking at him with concern. Still sad and hurt but also concerned.
“That’s really troublesome that you were able to do that, Namjoon.”
He nods in agreement and rubs frustratedly at his eyes.
“I know. I…I think I’m scared of myself right now,” he admits.
Dae sighs and Namjoon can tell she feels torn about what to do. It makes him feel guilty, not wanting her to feel like she owes him still thinking about his feelings. But he also knows that’s just the kind of person she is.
“I’m so sorry, Dae. I really am. I know that word might not carry much meaning coming from me but I truly mean it. I know I can’t change anything now but I…I really wish I could.”
Dae listens and wipes her eyes.
“I think I know you’re sorry? It’s hard. Because I really don’t understand. But I think I’m also starting to see that maybe there are just parts of this that aren’t meant for me to understand. And that’s not me giving you a pass. That’s me being aware of my own self preservation,” she says softly but firmly.
Namjoon nods and they fall into silence again. Dae shifts to stare out the window, night having blanketed them heavily.
“Is this really over?” she asks after a moment, not looking at Namjoon.
The question makes Namjoon want to shrink away until there is nothing left for anyone to look at. For anyone to talk to. For anyone to remember.
“Is there any way it couldn’t be?” Namjoon says quietly, genuinely asking.
Dae inhales and exhales slowly before she answers.
“No. Not for me,” she admits with another tear.
Namjoon doesn’t even realize more tears are falling down his face too until he feels them soak into his shirt.
“I know we still need to talk more but I’m done for tonight, okay?” Dae says thickly.
“Of course,” Namjoon says, looking at her pretty features that are overwhelmed by sorrow.
They remain on the couch, sitting in a silent heaviness that saturates both of them. And even though this is the hardest thing they’ve ever done together, Namjoon senses they both feel something similar to relief. Not that this is over, but that they have started on the first step of getting through this. Of accepting that their first hurdle is over.
Staring out at the night sky, Dae breaks the silence.
“When you consider things like the stars, our affairs don't seem to matter very much, do they?”
Namjoon watches her as he remembers the words.
“Virgnia Woolf?”
She nods and her eyes travel over to him again.
“Are you in love with him?” she asks quietly.
The question catches him by surprise. The thought of answering scares him but he won’t lie to Dae. Refuses to keep adding to the emotional destruction that he’s already caused by lying more.
“Yes,” he murmurs.
She nods slowly and looks back out the window.
“He is pretty,” she says matter of factly.
Namjoon blinks and Dae looks over to smile tiredly at his wide eyed expression.
“Don’t respond to that. I can only handle so much for tonight,” she says, holding her hand up.
Namjoon lets the word go like she asked and nods in understanding as they both wipe their eyes again. Dae sighs deeply and rubs at her temples.
“Can you help me carry this to the car?” she asks, standing and giving the duffle a small kick
Namjoon nods and stands too, body feeling tired and weighed down but ready to be helpful in any small way it can be. He picks up her back and follows her out of the apartment and down to her car. Setting it in her trunk, he steps back as she closes it.
Their eyes meet and they watch each other for a moment. Dae sighs and reaches her hand out towards him, an opposite image of the night he told her. Namjoon takes her hand, her skin feeling soft and warm on his. He wonders if this is the last time they will touch like this. Her brows crease slightly and he thinks she’s wondering the same thing. He gives her hand a gentle squeeze before they let go, hands dropping to their sides.
“Bye, Namjoon,” she sighs out.
He knows the two words are heavy with more meaning than either of them are ready to dissect and confront right now. Instead, he gives her a small smile.
“Bye, Dae,” he murmurs back, heart aching as he watches her climb in.
He watches her car for a long time, until it’s nothing but a tiny speck on the horizon.
He’s left with a small amount of clarity after that. A small amount of something that isn’t exactly hope but an understanding. An awareness that what he needs most right now is time and help. Help to deal with all these emotions that he needs to unpack and explore, no matter how scary that might be.
Days pass and Namjoon knows what he needs to do. The first step that he needs to take to start the work that needs to be done on himself and in his life.
He makes the call to see if his previous therapist is accepting patients. Even though he’s not a new patient, he knows there’s a chance she’s become more selective. He paces around the living room nervously as he explains things to the receptionist. Lets out a breath of relief once he’s done. The receptionist kindly tells him to wait a moment while she checks a few things.
He chews on his lip nervously while he waits, the ever present fear of being denied rearing up in him even though he knows it wouldn’t be anything personal. When the receptionist speaks into the phone again, she tells him he can set up an appointment for two weeks from now. Another sigh of relief. Some burnt part of him feeling like it’s being submerged under cool water, providing a small comfort.
He's nervous all over again when the two weeks pass and his appointment is here. Sitting in the waiting room, his knee bounces anxiously and his palms feel warm and damp. When his therapist opens her office door and steps out with a smile on her face, he feels better. Remembers how reassuring and kind she was, even when it was hard for him to tell her what was going on in his mind and life. Standing, he gives her a soft smile in return and walks into her office when she motions him inside.
The first appointment isn’t easy. It feels like he has so many things he wants to say but once he opens his mouth, the words seem to escape him. Shame, hurt and anger at what he needs to admit to out loud mixing together. She waits patiently, telling him to take his time and that they don’t have to unpack everything with this first appointment back. That they can unpack one metaphorical item at a time, even if it’s as small as a toothbrush. Namjoon smiles at her metaphor and nods.
He starts to go back over to Yoongi’s to visit, sharing parts of therapy. Yoongi listens, always providing words of encouragement that mean more to him than he thinks Yoongi realizes. He still takes his long walks but never goes back to their park. If it’s become a safe space for Jungkook, he doesn’t want to ruin that.
It’s on one of the walks that he gets a message from Jungkook. Reaching into his pocket when his phone vibrates, he opens it without looking at the lockscreen first. When he sees Jungkook’s name, he stops in his tracks. He glances around for some reason, maybe checking to see if he’s really lucid and not dreaming. Taking a deep breath, he opens their message thread that he’s never deleted.
Jungkook: I do want to talk. Not yet. I’m still not ready. But I do.
Namjoon feels his chest swell with emotion. He spots a bench up ahead and quickly walks to sit. He stares at the message for a long time. Tries to think of what to reply. He goes back and forth but finally lands on some words he thinks are okay.
I’ll be here. When you’re ready.
He knows it’s a repeat of his previous words at the park but he feels it so strongly. Needs Jungkook to know that nothing has changed in that aspect. That there is no “getting over” this for him.
He tells his therapist about Jungkook’s message at their next appointment. They talk about when he’ll be ready to talk to Jungkook and express himself in the way he wants to. To listen and not try to hide away from what he did but explore and express it. She gives him some questions to think about and consider that keep both him and Jungkook’s mental health in mind.
One of those things to consider is if, after they talk, it will be okay with Namjoon if Jungkook really does need him permanently out of his life. The mere thought of being told that hurts deeply but Namjoon knows it’s something he needs to think about. Something that he needs to let his mind understand would be well within Jungkook’s right to ask of him.
He lets these thoughts marinate over the next few days. The increase in his heart rate whenever he thinks of Jungkook is ever present. He’s not surprised when he comes to the conclusion that, even if this is talk that is an ending rather than a beginning, he wants to have it. Owes Jungkook this small thing that he can currently offer. His time, his presence and his understanding.
It feels so soon when Jungkook messages him again even though it’s already been a couple of weeks. Namjoon stares down at his phone in his hand, chewing his lip nervously. Reads the simple text of Jungkook asking if it’s okay if they talk at his apartment. The urge to immediately reply yes is strong but he manages to refrain. Still staring at his phone screen, he sits down on the couch to think for a moment.
Even though the thought of seeing Jungkook again, let alone really talking to him, has nerves starting to soak into his veins, he does know this is something he wants them to do. He thinks of suggesting a more neutral space but then can’t currently think of one. Feels like a public place would have them both feeling far too on display. He considers the park but has the strong desire to not have their special place be filled with emotions that could potentially ruin the space for both of them. The thought of being back in Jungkook’s apartment feels like a lot but he decides if it turns out to be too much for him, he can try to suggest another location when the time comes. Baby steps.
It feels so simple yet like so much to be texting Jungkook back that, yes, he is fine with that and he will be there. He wonders, for the hundredth time, what Jungkook will want to share with him. If he wants to delve deep into everything that has happened between them or if he knows this is the last time he will see Namjoon. Sure, they have mutual friends but the remedy to that is painfully easy. Namjoon knows that if he’s asked to step away, he will. Has already made that decision.
Standing at Jungkook’s door again feels almost out of body. Nerves rush through him, stomach in knots. He wants so badly to see Jungkook but is also terrified of saying the wrong thing. Closing his eyes, he inhales deeply. Goes over in his mind what they’ve talked about in therapy.
Opening his eyes, he rings the doorbell. Only waits a moment before the door swings open. He’d been so focused on Jungkook, it hadn’t occurred to him that he might not be the one to open the door. He blinks in surprise at seeing Taehyung across from him. Feels guilty at his surprise because why wouldn't Taehyung open the door to his own apartment. This is the home of two other people, after all.
“Hi, Tae,” he says, voice slightly shaky with nerves.
The words have barely left his mouth when he’s scared that maybe he’s not allowed to call him that anymore. The fear that maybe Taehyung has decided he hates him and no longer wants to be friends entering Namjoon’s mind again.
But Tae’s face breaks into a comforting smile. He tilts his head and searches Namjoon’s face. He opens his arms and Namjoon feels immediately drawn into them. The touch feels so reassuring as he embraces Tae back. He wonders if Tae knows how much this means to him. Gives him an extra squeeze in hopes of communicating this.
When they part, Tae is still smiling. But close up, Namjoon can see the slight unsureness of how to handle all this in his eyes. He understands the feeling and gives Tae a smile and a small nod of understanding.
“I think Jungkookie should be down soon. And uh, don’t worry, I’m not staying,” Tae says.
Namjoon shakes his head.
“I wasn’t worried,” he says softly.
Tae nods and starts collecting his things. He glances over at the stairs as he puts his jacket on and then looks back at Namjoon.
“I told Jungkook to let me know if he needs anything.”
Namjoon feels a small sting at the words but knows it’s Tae being a caring friend.
“Okay,” he murmurs.
Tae stands next to him by the door again.
“That goes for you, too,” he says softly.
Namjoon blinks in surprise and then has to fight the urge to cry.
“T-thank you. That really means a lot. A lot.”
Tae shrugs with a new smile.
“I love both of you,” he says.
Reaching out, he gives Namjoon’s arm one last squeeze before he's opening the door and closing it behind him.
Silence falls over the apartment as Namjoon’s eyes start to travel over the familiar space. The memories of that night start to seep into his mind and his breath hitches. Even though time has passed, the pain still feels so fresh. Still sends an upsetting sharpness through his body when he thinks of what happened.
He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to reassure himself mentally that he’s prepared and will try to understand whatever happens tonight. What happened happened. And there’s nothing for Jungkook and him to do but try to move forward. Not ignore the past but try and add to it, maybe build healing scabs over the cuts they both have.
He walks quietly over to the couch and takes a seat, feeling out of place and taking up space without anyone who lives here in sight. He clasps his hands nervously in his lap and takes slow breaths to keep his heart from beating out of his chest.
It’s all for naught because, the second he sees Jungkook quietly padding down the stairs, his heart starts to pound. He’s not sure why but he stands as Jungkook descends the stairs. Watching as Jungkook looks back at him, eyes filled with nerves and something else.
Namjoon wants so badly to cross over to him and wraps his arms around him. But he remains where he is, hoping his gaze on Jungkook doesn’t look as intense as it feels to him. Jungkook reaches the landing and walks over to where Namjoon is still standing.
“Hi,” Namjoon says, voice coming out more hoarse than he means it to.
“Hi,” Jungkook echoes, voice soft and quiet in the way that Namjoon remembers from their intimate mornings together.
They stare at each other for a moment before Jungkook looks away, clearing his throat.
“We can sit,’ he says.
Namjoon nods and they both take a seat on the couch, Namjoon making sure he’s leaving enough distance between them. Once they settle, silence falls over them. Namjoon doesn’t have a logical reason for it, but he feels it’s important that Jungkook speak first. Jungkook is still not looking at him but Namjoon hears him take a deep breath.
“Umm…thank you for coming over. I know maybe my apartment wasn’t the best suggestion but I couldn’t think of a better one,” Jungkook finally says.
“Of course. And it’s okay. Neither could I,” Namjoon replies quietly, still careful.
Another moment of silence. Namjoon can sense how nervous Jungkook is. Feels a wash of sadness that this is what he’s making Jungkook feel but understands. Jungkook sighs and finally looks at him again, wide eyes already looking wet with emotion.
“What…how is this conversation supposed to start?” he asks.
Namjoon’s brow creases and he chews on his lip for a second.
“I don’t really know. But you can tell me anything, okay? Sadness, anger, hurt. Anything. You can tell me anything and I will listen,” Namjoon says, each word soft but serious.
Jungkook’s breath comes out shakily. A look away from and then back at Namjoon. Hurt words finally tumbling out of his mouth.
“You left. After everything, you just left me,” Jungkook says wetly.
Namjoon feels his heart start to crack all over again. He swallows thickly so all his emotions don’t burst out of him.
“I’m…I’m so sorry,” he murmurs.
Continues when Jungkook doesn’t say anything more.
“I’m not going to excuse my actions. Especially when I don’t even fully understand them yet. Any of them. I’m still…still working on coming to terms with all that I did. With all the hurt that I caused.”
Jungkook listens and Namjoon hopes his words make some semblance of sense.
“I’m sorry that I left. I’m sorry that I hurt you so deeply. That I was stuck in a cycle of selfishness that I didn’t even realize I was in. Or maybe I did but was too good at lying to myself about it. And I’m sorry that I pulled you down into a situation that…that you didn’t deserve to be in,” he says, eyes starting to feel the sting of saltwater.
The words sit heavily between them for a moment.
“I let you pull me down,” Jungkook says quietly after another moment.
Namjoon frowns but waits, sensing Jungkook is about to say more.
“I wanted you to. That’s one of the reasons I feel so…so stupid about this. I knew full well you were in a relationship. I can’t hide behind not knowing that. I can’t hide behind anything. Part of me feels like I did deserve all this. And another part of me wants to blame you for everything but I know that’s not right. Not when I willingly entered this,” Jungkook says, tears starting to fall.
Namjoon’s heart crumbles at the words and sight and he has to close his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, he looks directly into Jungkook’s glossy eyes.
“You’re not stupid. At all. So much of this is so complicated and there is no easy answer to any of it.”
Jungkook sighs, wiping away tears. He chews on his lip and Namjoon can tell there’s something else.
“Anything, okay?” he reminds him
Jungkook nods and chews on his lip.
“She knows?”
The question startles Namjoon a little, having not thought about Jungkook knowing this piece of information. But enough time has passed, it would make sense for him to know.
“Yes,” he answers quietly.
“Does she…is she okay?”
“She’s…coping. I told her on that…that Monday. I couldn’t bear to keep lying. It was awful and I- “ Namjoon stops, clearing his throat.
“I’m sorry. I don’t need to be talking about that.”
“It’s okay. I’m the one who asked,” Jungkook replies.
“She must hate me,” he adds quietly.
Namjoon shakes his head.
“I don’t think so.”
Jungkook doesn’t look convinced but he nods.
“Does she hate you?”
“She says she doesn’t. That she tried to but doesn’t. We’ve talked once since she left.”
Jungkook is silent for a moment and Namjoon starts to worry that he’s gone too far. Shared more than Jungkook was ready for. When he sees more tears start to spill down Jungkook’s cheeks, his heart sinks and he wants so badly to reach out and hold.
“I…I really did ruin your life,” Jungkook chokes out.
Namjoon’s eyes widen and he shakes his head again firmly. He takes a chance and leans in the slightest bit closer to Jungkook.
“Hey, hey, hey. No you didn’t. Jungkook. I said that when I was in a fucked up headspace. I know I can’t erase those words but please don’t believe I think that you made me do anything. The decisions I made were completely my own and I need to take responsibility for them.”
Jungkook watches him with red eyes and Namjoon sighs sadly.
“I…I’m the one who caused ruin. I don’t know why I was able to hide it away from myself for so long. That I was causing so much hurt. Acting in ways that nobody around me deserved in the slightest,” he says, feeling a few tears fall past his lashes.
He blinks them away, not wanting to look like he wants Jungkook to feel sorry for him.
“I’m really, truly sorry, Jungkook. I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I was that person but I was. Someone who hurt you. I shouldn’t have put up such a barrier to your feelings. Shouldn’t have blocked your feelings because I was so scared of my own.”
Jungkook listens quietly. His brows furrow as he thinks for a moment.
“We’re more than the mistakes we make. You told me that one time years ago,” he says quietly.
The familiar phrase surprises Namjoon but he lets it sink in. Jungkook starts to look nervous again and Namjoon’s full attention goes back to him.
“What…what feelings were you so scared of?” Jungkook asks, voice barely above a whisper.
Namjoon remembers what he just said and swallows.
“I’m sorry if that’s-” Jungkook starts, looking upset with himself.
“No, no. It’s okay. Anything, remember?”
Namjoon inhales and exhales slowly before he answers.
“I was scared of the feeling of wanting you. My desire and attraction towards you. Not just physically but emotionally. I…I wanted to be with you all the time. I thought about you all the time. I wanted to talk to you all the time. Wanted your attention and affection so much. What felt like too much. And I felt like…I was feeling all those things alone. That it was out of the realm of possibility that you…” he trails off, a soft wave of shyness creeping in.
“That I could be feeling the same?” Jungkook finishes for him.
Namjoon nods slowly.
“But it wasn’t up to you to decide what I was feeling,” Jungkook says, voice low but firm.
“No, it wasn’t. It was so selfish of me. I…I was so scared of my feelings that I buried yours along with mine. And I had no right to do that.”
Jungkook wipes his eyes again and looks at Namjoon with wide, watery eyes.
“Do you regret it? Us? I know we both regret aspects, important ones, but do you regret…me?”
“No,” Namjoon answers immediately.
Maybe too immediately but it’s true.
“Aspects and circumstances, yes. But never you,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook’s wide eyes travel over his face, looking for signs of reassurance. Namjoon waits, knows that Jungkook has a right to question his words. Namjoon leaves his face soft and honest, an open book for Jungkook to read. Jungkook’s eyes focus on his again and Namjoon waits another moment before he speaks again.
“Do you?” he asks quietly, scared but prepared for any answer.
Jungkook brings his knee up and settles his chin on it. Eyes still glued to Namjoon, he shakes his head.
“I don’t regret you,” he whispers.
Namjoon’s heart skips a beat against his better judgment, his nails digging into his palms so he doesn’t reach out towards Jungkook.
“What do we do with that?” Jungkook asks.
Namjoon chews on his lip, knows that there isn’t a clear cut answer to that for either of them right now.
“I’m not sure,” he replies truthfully.
Jungkook nods like he knew this was going to be the answer. He hesitates for a moment.
“Is it okay to say…I-I still do...have feelings. For you. But I’m also scared,” he murmurs.
Namjoon’s chest tightens even more and he tries to keep his breathing as calm as he can.
“It’s okay,” he says.
He closes his eyes for a moment. Knows how important it is that he not let all his emotions spill out between them. Needs to express himself carefully because the current state of his relationship with Jungkook still needs more healing, more time and repair. He opens his eyes to Jungkook’s pretty ones looking back at him nervously.
“Please stop me whenever if this is too much, okay?” he asks.
He waits for Jungkook to agree before he continues. Only starts speaking again when Jungkook nods.
“I-I’ve started going to therapy again. Starting working on myself and trying to understand myself,” Namjoon says.
Jungkook looks surprised at first but then nods again understandingly. Namjoon takes another deep breath.
“There are words I want to tell you, Jungkook. But they are words you don’t deserve to hear when I’m like this. I…I want to be a better person first. Jungkook. I…want to be a complete person for myself and for the people around me. Not someone who is pulling you into a space that is still filled with hurt and unsureness. Not someone who is still trying to rebuild things after so freshly damaging them.”
Jungkook’s eyes well up again, matching Namjoon’s.
“I know we can’t know what’s going to happen and I’m definitely not asking you to wait for me to fix myself. But in the future, if you want to explore what this is between us… even if it’s weeks, months or years from now. If it’s something you would want, when the time is right, I would want it too. I don’t mean for you to answer this tonight. At all. But I just want you to know,” he finishes, feeling winded and emotionally drained.
Jungkook stays silent with his fresh set of tears. He sighs shakily and then opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes out and he swallows and tries again.
“Thank you for telling me, ” he says thickly.
Namjoon manages a small smile, relief flooding him that he didn’t push too far. He’s not sure what to say next but doesn’t need words with what happens next. Jungkook exhales and watches him carefully as he starts to move closer. Namjoon’s heart beats in surprise and want, waiting for Jungkook to be the one to initiate any contact.
It feels achingly cathartic as Jungkook lowers his head to Namjoon’s lap, cheek landing on his thigh. He hears a soft sigh leave Jungkook’s lips the moment they are touching again.
Namjoon’s own breath hitches and a small yet relieving pressure seems to lift from him. Another stitch added to close up the massive wound he feels like he’s been living with.
Knowing this touch will be okay, he starts to gingerly stroke his fingers through Jungkook’s hair, the soft tresses feeling dreamy and light as they pass through. Namjoon stares down at him, overwhelmed with a wave of how beautiful he is. How important it is, even if it’s just for now, that he has been granted more touch.
“I’m sorry,” Jungkook whispers to him.
Namjoon carefully traces Jungkook’s hairline, sees his eyes close at the soft touches.
“Me too,” he whispers back.
Everything still aches but with the small hope that maybe there really will be another side to all of this. A side that has Jungkook and him being okay, whether that is separate or together. He thinks back to the beginning of all this. Remembers words from the book they read together. It feels like an eternity ago but they remain clear in his mind.
If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too.
Notes:
Just wanted to add a huge thank you to anyone who has stuck by this story. I know new chapters take a while and that this isn’t a short and easy read so I truly appreciate the support. I love these two and sharing them has been such a pleasure. Those sound like goodbye words but we (they) still do have a bit more to go.
As always, comments make my day!I'm on twitter now too!
I post updates, sneak peeks and other mush I have ruminating around in my mind.
I currently have a Namkook thread fic going on over there if you’re interested.
Chapter 9
Notes:
BTS is back! We really made it! I’m so happy to be posting this chapter today and I truly hope you enjoy reading it.
I know there are so many tougher than tough things going on in the world and my heart has definitely been heavy with it all. Writing this has been such a needed escape and I hope reading it serves as one as well. 💜
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Jungkook wakes groggily from a deep sleep, eyes blinking as they soak in the sun rays that are already peeking in through his curtains. He stares at the golden fragments that play across his floor and onto his bedspread, getting easily lost in hazy thoughts that are still tinged with sleep.
Before he can get completely turned around in his own mind, there’s a soft knock at his door. His eyes move to stare at the ceiling and he swallows, opening his mouth to speak.
“Come in,” he croaks out, voice out of use from sleep.
The door opens along with an accompanying giggle. Jungkook hears the padding of quick feet on the floor and then a head is popping into his eyeline, staring down at him with a grin.
“Good morning! Well, actually good afternoon,” Jimin chirps at him.
Jungkook huffs out a laugh and rubs at his eyes. He blinks up at Jimin and smiles softly at the familiar sight of his smiling face.
“What time is it?” he asks, voice still a bit scratchy.
“It’s one,” Jimin replies, moving to sit on the bed.
“So it’s not that late,” Jungkook grumbles lightly.
Jimin laughs again and reaches out to ruffle Jungkook’s hair. The attention feels nice and Jungkook hums, leaning up to sit and stretch his arms. Jimin watches him with a soft but careful expression playing across his face.
It’s a look that both him and Taehyung often have when looking at Jungkook these days. Sometimes he finds comfort in it and sometimes it irritates him. He feels painfully guilty when it’s the latter. Knows that the look is because they care so much. But it verges on feeling overly considerate. Like they always feel the need to tiptoe around him and his feelings. Like one wrong look at him and he will disintegrate away, a delicate thing that must be handled carefully.
Luckily, right now, the look doesn’t bother him as he continues to wake. He moves his pillow up so he can lean back and talk to Jimin, body still wanting the comfortable plushness of his bedding.
“Why don’t the three of us go out to dinner tonight? I feel like we haven’t gone out together in a long time,” Jimin says with a smile.
Jungkook tries to remember the last time he went out with just Jimin and Taehyung and realizes it really has been a while. Even though they’d all been spending a lot of time together lately, it had been at home. Jungkook often feeling too drained during the weekends after long weekday hours.
He’d been throwing himself into work, a welcome distraction from being constantly wrapped up in his own thoughts. He’d even begun to enjoy his job as much as he did when he first started, paying extra attention and care to all the details of each project. Taking a bigger role with assignments more than he’d been doing previously. And it had all paid off. He’d been assigned the lead on a big photography project and was cautiously excited to have so much new responsibility.
But he knows all his energy and attention can’t be taken up by just work, even though it’s been helping him. Knows he needs to find a balance, his proclivity for hyper fixating on one thing at a time taking more control of him than he wants it to.
“Okay, sounds good,” he says, nodding firmly at Jimin.
Jimin’s face breaks out into a surprised grin and he claps.
“Really!? Wow, I thought that was going to take much more convincing.”
Jungkook laughs as Jimin jumps off his bed, calling Taehyung’s name. His room is quiet again and his attention goes back to the pretty sun shards peeking in. He doesn’t know why but they make him smile. Like their presence reassures him there is light and possibilities beyond the four walls of his bedroom.
He meets Jimin and Taehyung in the living room later that day, freshly showered and dressed. They both smile wistfully at him, like they don’t all live together. Jungkook rolls his eyes but laughs affectionately. Taehyung bounds up to him, lacing their arms together.
“Do my eyes deceive me or is this really our lovely Jungkookie ready for a friend date?” he asks playfully.
“You saw me an hour ago,” Jungkook points out.
“Was that you?” Taehyung says quizzically as he pulls a giggling Jungkook towards the front door, Jimin trailing after the both of them with an endeared smile.
They decide to walk, the early evening air nice and their favorite restaurant close by. Jimin and Taehyung sandwich Jungkook between them, both chatting away.
It feels nice to be out. Nice to be with his friends and feel unburdened at the moment. Something he hasn’t felt much of over the last few months. Listening to the two voices next to him grounds him, reminds him that throughout everything, he’s always had this whenever he needs it.
They make it to the restaurant, Taehyung sitting next to him and Jimin across. The different topics of conversation come easily to the three of them, talking like this simple after so many years of friendship. They order their food and then keep talking, bursting into laughter as Jimin tells them about how he’d fallen out of his chair during an important business meeting.
There are multiple rounds of alcohol, Jungkook’s insides gaining a pleasant warmth with each sip. They eat and drink and eat some more, enjoying each other’s company as they do.
“Oh man, that was so good,” Taehyung says, leaning back in his chair and giving a catlike stretch.
“I haven’t been here since I came with N-” he starts to add, cutting himself off before he can finish the thought.
A heavy quietness falls over the table. Jungkook’s heart picks up speed at just hearing the first letter of the name that he tries not to constantly think about. He slowly sets down the mug he had been drinking from and chews on his lip.
He glances between the two of them and sees that look again. The one he had been glad they hadn’t given him all night. The soft but too close to sad look painted across both their faces. He hates it but can’t seem to help himself when the look makes his jaw clench and his thoughts prickle in annoyance.
“You don’t have to keep looking at me like that,” he grumbles quietly.
Jimin’s brows crease in concern and the look just deepens.
“Like what?” he asks cautiously.
“Like you have to tiptoe around my feelings! Like you’re always sad for me. Like I’m…too fragile to handle anything.”
The moment the words leave his mouth, he feels sour guilt creep through him. Wants to immediately take the words back. Rewind and just let it go. The alcohol that was making him feel pleasantly warm now makes him feel intense and upset. Maybe they’re right after all. Maybe he is too fragile to handle anything.
“That’s not how we think of you,” Taehyung protests gently.
“Well it feels like it!” Jungkook shoots back, unable to stop himself again.
Taehyung and Jimin remain silent for a couple of excruciating moments before Jimin lets out a deep sigh.
“I’m sorry, Jungkook. I can see how it must feel like that for you,” he says, softly apologetic.
“We - I just…you were having such a hard time. And I’m so glad you’re starting to feel better. I’m just…I just don’t want you to fall into that dark space again,” Jimin adds, picking his words carefully.
The words immediately make another wash of guilt flow through Jungkook. He stares down at his hands in his lap and swallows down his emotions.
“I- I’m sorry,” he whispers.
He hears Jimin tsk quietly.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I understand what you’re saying. We both just care about you so much. I guess we’ve both just been trying to avoid anything that we think might be too much to talk about or address.”
Jungkook looks out the restaurant windows, still gnawing on his lip. He looks back at Jimin and Taehyung after a moment and tries to smile.
“I know you care. I…it means so much that you care,” he says quietly.
He’s starting to feel too emotional and embarrassed for feeling too emotional in such a public place. He rubs at his eyes and tries to take a grounding breath.
“Honestly, I don’t think I even fully understand what is or isn’t too much.”
He inhales shakily and glances down again to stare into his mug.
“Sometimes…sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t talk about him. But other times…I feel like I’ll scream if anyone brings him up,” he whispers.
“So how could you guys know if I don’t know myself?”
Taehyung hums sympathetically, reaching out to soothe comforting circles over Jungkook’s hand.
“It’s okay that you don’t know. I don’t think… there just isn’t a simple solution or simple words for any of this. And we get that,” Taehyung says.
Jungkook swallows back another emotional lump in his throat at the true words, nodding.
“Thank you,” he murmurs.
“I feel sort of…I’m just not sure what I want. Or maybe I am sure about at least one thing and that’s what’s even scarier. Because I…I do still want him,” he says, the words just as much an admission to himself as they are to Jimin and Taehyung.
A watery sigh leaves his lips and he quickly picks up his mug to take a distracting sip and attempt to tamp down his emotions.
“And that’s okay,” Jimin replies softly, echoing Taehyung's words.
“It’s how you feel. All you’ll end up doing is exhausting yourself emotionally and mentally if you fight what you feel. And you don’t have to make any decisions about what to do until you’re ready,” he adds.
Jungkook nods slowly and lets the reassurance start to warm him up again.
“Thank you,” he repeats quietly, starting to think about a hypothetical future.
He sniffles as a loud group at the table next to them burst into laughter. The loudness helps pull him away from his own mind for now, bringing him fully back into the moment. He gives Jimin and Taehyung a smile, flipping his hand up to squeeze Taehyung’s.
“I - I didn’t mean to make this an emotional dinner,” he says, clearing his throat.
Taehyung scoffs, batting away the statement.
“We all gave each other permission a long time ago to make any situation emotional if we needed to,” he grins.
Jungkook laughs, letting the comfort and understanding of his friends ebb through him and continue to warm him. He still feels unsure of many things but having the two of them makes it easier. Makes him feel like he might just be strong enough to keep pushing forward.
A couple of weeks later, Jungkook leans back in his desk chair to stretch. He arches his back as he raises his arms above his head. His eyes fall on the blue sky outside the window and he smiles at a small, lone cloud that floats by.
Glancing at his phone, he sees it’s almost lunch time. His stomach rumbles softly as if to agree, making him put his computer to sleep. Picking up his backpack, he stuffs his phone and water bottle in the zippered pocket. Slinging it over his shoulder, he pushes his chair in and starts to make his way towards the elevators.
He’s not really in need of a coffee yet but an americano still sounds good and so does the walk to the coffee shop. The second he leaves the lobby of the building and fresh air hits his skin, he’s glad he didn’t stay at his desk.
He starts down the sidewalk slowly, wanting to take his time and really enjoy being outside. He thinks about getting his earbuds out but decides against it, liking the chatter of people passing by and the sound of traffic and buzz of energy.
The slight breeze combs gently through his hair and his eyes flutter closed for a moment. He’s pleasantly surprised to find that he’s able to let his mind remain blissfully blank for the walk. Able to just let himself be and exist in this simple, little moment. He basks in the feeling, slowing his steps down even more to let it remain just a bit longer.
He lets a contented sigh quietly leave his lips once he’s in front of the coffee shop, grateful to his mind for allowing him the small reprieve. Reaching out, he opens the door to the shop and steps inside. He gets in line, peeking into the glass display case of treats to see if there’s anything he wants.
When it’s his turn to order, he gets his americano along with a cherry pastry, the glistening red middle looking too enticing to pass up. He steps over to the pick-up counter to wait, attention landing on the baristas as they work. He’s so caught up in watching that he almost doesn’t hear it at first. The surprised call of his name. And not from one of the baristas.
“Jungkook?”
He feels the blood in his veins freeze over, recognition at the voice settling in once his mind is convinced that he’s really heard it. He stares ahead in blank fear, wondering for one ridiculous moment if there’s some way he can just run away or disappear. But logic sets in and he knows he can’t.
Somehow, he manages to force his body to turn. His eyes land on her right away, standing only a couple of paces behind him, an unreadable expression on her face. He swallows as they stare at each other, both seemingly unable to make themselves do anything more. Both unable to make any words appear between the two of them.
The length of stilted silence almost makes Jungkook wonder if this is really happening but then a harsh look crosses Dae’s face and Jungkook winces. It’s like she’s been snapped out of her stillness and reminded of who Jungkook is to her. So yes, this is definitely really happening.
After another tense moment, and to his surprise, her shoulders relax and she takes a deep breath as her brows unknit. She glances around the shop and then back to him.
“Can you stay for a bit?” she asks, nodding towards a small, empty table in the back of the cafe.
Jungkook blinks wide eyes at her, mind trying to decide how it wants to answer. If this is somehow a trap. But then he reminds himself of the kind of person Dae is. Even though he never knew her very well, he does know that would be out of character for her. Granted, that was before he slept with her boyfriend.
Still, Jungkook can’t imagine just leaving now. Not allowing her to say what she needs to say to him. Because whatever it is, Jungkook knows he owes her this. Needs to hear what thoughts and feelings she decides to share with him. Wants to. He owes her this tiny offering.
He nods and Dae turns around to make her way to the back of the cafe. Grabbing his coffee and pastry that he isn’t hungry for anymore, he follows her to the table. As he does, a sudden intense bout of worry about what she might say hits him again, this one like a hail storm. Hard and cold. But the more he thinks about it, he realizes, hopes , that maybe, just maybe, there’s also potential for something to melt between them. To ease into a flowing and fluid state rather than remain a sharp, solid one with hurtful edges.
He slides into the seat across from her, unsure where to look. He still holds onto his coffee, the ice in the drink too cold against his bare palm. They fall into another stretch of silence that Jungkook doesn’t know what to do with. There’s a part of him that wants to scream out how sorry he is, how he hates that he played such a big part in hurting her. But he refrains, knows that’s not how this needs to start.
“H-how are you?” he finally asks, hoping it’s a question that she knows she can answer as truthfully as she wants.
She looks into his eyes, searching. Like she’s trying to decide if he really means the question and how much to share if he does.
“I really want to know,” he tries to assure.
“I mean, if you want to share,” he adds quickly, not wanting to sound like he thinks she owes him an answer.
Her eyes squint for a moment but then soften. She takes a deep breath and looks to the side for a moment, thinking.
“All things considering, I think I’m doing pretty well,” she says.
“That’s good to hear. I’m glad,” he says honestly.
She hums and looks back over at him.
“How are you?” she asks back.
He probably should have expected it but the return question still surprises him for some reason.
“I…better than I was,” he admits.
Dae nods slowly, searching his eyes again. It makes Jungkook’s heart pick up nervously but he sits still and waits to see if she’s going to voice what she’s thinking.
“For never getting to know you very well, you’ve sure had quite the impact on my life,” she says thoughtfully.
Jungkook feels the hard hail hit his skin, harsh spheres that hurt but he knows he deserves.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
Dae takes a deep breath and shakes her head.
“I wasn’t saying that to be mean. It’s just a fact for me,” she explains quietly.
Jungkook swallows down the lump in his throat and nods.
“I r-really am. Sorry, I mean. I don’t…I really hate that I played such a huge part in…causing you hurt,” he says carefully, trying to find the right words as he goes.
“Not that my feelings matter! I just…just want you to know that I’m not okay with how I…went about things,” he rushes to add.
Dae listens, exhaling deeply after a moment.
“Your feelings do matter, Jungkook. All three of ours do. The two of you just… forgot about mine for a while,” she says.
He’s surprised again at how collected and sure she sounds. How truthful.
“We did,” he agrees quietly.
“Why?”
Jungkook blinks at her.
“Why did you let yourself forget about me?” she clarifies.
The question feels like it hinges on confrontational but Jungkook knows it’s also a question that is well within her right to ask. That his answer is something she needs to know. He takes a deep breath before he speaks, gearing up for the peeled back honesty.
“Because I wanted him so much. I let myself become so consumed by it that I let everyone and everything else fall away and not matter when they should have,” he whispers.
He takes a shaky inhale at the intense admission, fighting to keep in the tears that want to leak through. Dae looks at him intently, like she’s letting each of his words and their meaning sink in.
“You think I hate you, don’t you?” she asks gently after a moment.
Another question that makes Jungkook tense. His shoulders fold in and he braces for a hit.
“W-why wouldn’t you?”
Dae shrugs, looking down at the table.
“Like I’ve told Namjoon, I tried. I wanted to. But I just don’t. Hate either of you. I know that neither of you are bad people. Yes, you were harmfully selfish. But that doesn’t mean I want either of you to continuously suffer for it. To be permanently unhappy. That does absolutely nothing for me and my moving forward and healing from all of this.”
Jungkook listens carefully, her strong but honest words making a little bit of the hard ice around them melt into softer droplets.
“That’s…thank you for sharing that with me. I don’t want you to be unhappy, either,” he says.
Dae hums and drums her fingers on the table.
“I went to a couple of therapy sessions with him. So we could both get more closure. Not to heal in a way that is completely scarless but in a way that doesn’t hurt anymore.”
“That’s really… brave of you,” Jungkook says quietly, a bit in awe of her words and actions.
She laughs softly.
“I like to think so. I just knew I needed it. For me. And I obviously only bring therapy up now because he told us he shared with you that he was going back to it.”
Jungkook's eyes widen slightly, wondering what else she knows. How much of him Namjoon shares with her. As if reading his mind, she shakes her head.
“Don’t worry, that’s all he told us. Well, me.”
Jungkook swallows but nods, trying not to make his relief so obvious. Another stretch of silence follows all that they've just divulged to each other. Each sitting with the new information. His eyes fall on the people walking past the coffee shop windows, mind whirring as Dae’s words flow through him and search for connection to his own feelings.
“Did you always have feelings for him?”
The question pulls him right back to the present. Although he can’t lie and say they don’t feel exposing, it also feels strangely cathartic to be able to answer these questions for her. He knows they both need to hear some of each other’s thoughts. Knows they both need this for a hopeful fragment of a chance of moving forward in their own lives.
“Not always. But for… a long time,” he answers truthfully.
Dae nods and Jungkook feels lucky that she seems to believe him.
“Do you want to be with him?” she asks, words blunt but eyes soft.
Jungkook knows immediately that the answer to this one isn’t as easy. Doesn’t have a bubble clearly filled in, a simple yes or no.
“I…-” he starts, trailing off as he tries to decide how to reply.
He doesn’t want to sound cagey but also doesn’t want to sound like he’s on a path of only thinking about what he wants.
“I still have feelings for him,” he finally murmurs out.
He wonders if she’s going to push for more, if his answer sounds like a cop out. But, to his relief, she doesn’t. He takes a deep breath, a question that’s on the tip of his tongue needing to be released.
“Do you still love him?”
He knows the question is a lot, personal and maybe too much. But something tells him that she will really try to answer the best she is able to. He watches as a look of slight surprise crosses her face but then settles thoughtfulness.
“I think there’s a part of me that will always care for him. But no, I’m not in love with him anymore,” she says, voice still strong but with a touch more of emotion than she’s been showing.
He knows they both know why he asked. Hopes she also knows that he was asking for her well-being moving forward as much as his own.
“Thank you for telling me,” he murmurs.
Another soft smile reaches her lips and she motions towards him.
“Same to you. I know that was a lot…but I think all of them were words we needed to hear from each other.”
“I agree.”
Dae takes a deep exhale, Jungkook thinking they are probably having a similar feeling. That even though not all of the intense emotional weight has left them, the load has lightened. That the hard ice that is still melting around them into cool water feels much more manageable. Much more hopeful.
“Sounds strange to say but I’m glad I ran into you,” Dae says.
Jungkook nods understandingly.
“I am too. I hope…I hope things continue to get better for you, Dae.”
“Thank you, Jungkook,” she murmurs.
Her phone pings, startling Jungkook for a moment. Their talk had pulled him into a space where the people and clinks of cups and whirs of espresso machines fell away. He shakes it off and watches as Dae looks at her screen and then locks it again.
“I should get going. Work’s been crazy lately,” she says.
“Okay.”
She stands and Jungkook follows, hand clutching his still full coffee. He looks down at it and then back up at Dae.
“Oh! You never got anything. You can have mine? I didn’t drink from it,” he says, holding out the drink to her.
It feels like a random thing to notice after such a heavy talk but he feels bad watching her leave empty handed. Dae shakes her head and motions toward the pick-up counter.
“I ordered online. I was just coming in to grab it and go,” she says, Jungkook looking over to see a cup with her name on it.
“Oh, okay,” Jungkook sighs in relief, not sure why her getting her coffee is so important to him.
She takes a step back towards the counter.
“I’ll see you around, okay?” she says, giving a small wave.
“See you around,” Jungkook echoes back softly.
Dae turns to keep making her way to the counter but pauses for a moment, turning back around to look at him one more time.
“I told Namjoon I thought you were pretty and… you really are,” she says, tilting her head with a small smile.
Something about the way she says the words lets Jungkook know she means more than outwardly. That she is seeing and acknowledging a lot more than looks. He returns her smile and feels even more of the ice melt as his heart thrums hopefully.
“So are you,” he murmurs truthfully with a returning smile.
Dae’s expression tells him she understands too.
Jungkook stares up at the dark ceiling of his bedroom. He’s been trying to fall asleep for the past hour but sleep keeps approaching him and then slipping away like smoke. He sighs, closing his eyes stubbornly to try and force sleep.
But his mind has other plans. He can’t stop thinking about all that Dae shared with him at the coffee shop a couple days ago. Keeps working her words together with his own feelings. Mind trying to solve a puzzle that he’s not sure he has all the pieces to while allowing himself to realize even trying to attempt is a step forward.
It’s strangely comforting to know that Namjoon and Dae have talked. That they have communicated and are working towards being in a space where they both feel better emotionally and mentally. He knows closure is something they both need deeply and wants them both to have it. Knows he needs it to.
But how does he get closure when he’s not sure what closure looks like for him? Is it deciding to be in a relationship with Namjoon? He knows that decision isn’t solely his but also remembers vividly what Namjoon told him. If it’s something you would want…I would want it too. Even just thinking about the words makes his heart flutter in his chest.
His eyes blink open as he officially gives up on the battle to sleep, pushing away the covers that he had cocooned himself in. He climbs out of bed and pads his way quietly out of his room and down the stairs, eyes still trying to adjust to the dark. He’s about the walk down the final step when he hears a stirring noise from the couch.
“Can’t sleep, either?” a voice says into the darkness, making Jungkook gasp and trip down the last step.
“Shit, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you,” Jimin says, his shadowed figure sitting up.
Jungkook laughs softly, heart still hammering a bit.
“It’s okay.”
Squinting his eyes a little, he manages to cross over to Jimin and the couch. He plops down, half on the couch, half on top of Jimin.
“Hey!” Jimin giggles, playfully trying to push Jungkook off him.
They giggle more as Jimin struggles, Jungkook finally falling off to the side. Jimin throws him some of the blanket and Jungkook snuggles deeper into the cushions.
“Sort of ominous to sit here alone in the dark,” Jungkook notes.
“I couldn’t sleep so I came down here to make some tea but I didn’t want to turn on any lights. Lights just seemed too harsh,” Jimin explains.
Jungkook hums in understanding.
“Me too. Well, the sleep part. I was coming down to see if we had any more of those chocolate chip cookies.”
“I think we do,” Jimin laughs.
Jungkook hums again before silence joins them on the couch. Jungkook can’t stop his mind from meandering back to Namjoon. He’s not sure why but lately he’s been wondering what Namjoon thinks about at night. What thoughts cross his mind before he falls asleep. If any of those thoughts are about him.
“Thinking?” Jimin asks, breaking the silence.
His voice brings Jungkook back to their current moment and he blinks.
“Yeah, sorry,” he says guiltily.
“Care to share?” Jimin questions gently.
Jungkook squeezes the soft blanket in his hand, the soft plushness of it comforting.
“Him,” he replies quietly.
“Mmm. Want to talk about it?”
Jungkook picks at the blanket. Does he want to talk? Maybe it would help. Maybe he’s ready to share some of these thoughts that have been ruminating and building in his mind. Lay them out in the open rather than leave them crumpled and hidden.
“Yes. But…” he trails off, not sure how to word what he wants to say.
Not sure how to get started. He feels Jimin lean closer to him on the couch.
“Hey, I’m here to listen, okay? No judgments. Your emotions don’t have to make sense, remember? Sometimes just getting them out, even if they feel all over the place, helps,” Jimin says softly.
Jungkook feels his eyes sting slightly and his breath hitch at the thoughtful words. Words that feel like Jimin has read his mind.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
Jimin reaches out to give his knee a reassuring squeeze. Jungkook takes a deep breath, still feeling emotional but wanting to share.
“I…I saw Dae,” he says slowly, easing himself into it.
There’s a moment of silence before Jimin says anything.
“You saw Dae ?” he says in surprise, voice louder than it had been.
“Yeah. A couple of days ago during my lunch break. I ran into her at the coffee shop near work,” Jungkook explains.
“Wow. Did you…did the two of you talk?”
“Yeah, we did. I…I was really scared at first. I had no idea what she was going to say. But it was…I think it was good. For both of us.”
“Wow,” Jimin repeats.
“That’s really something. I mean like, something good. Is she doing okay?” he asks.
“She…yeah, she is. Still working on moving forward emotionally. But doing okay,” Jungkook shares carefully, not wanting to betray her trust.
“She’s…she’s a strong person. I…I hate that I caused such a huge tear in her life,” he whispers after a moment.
“But it wasn’t solely on you,” Jimin reminds him gently.
“I know but I still feel so guilty about it.”
“Did she seem angry towards you?” Jimin asks gingerly.
Jungkook feels his eyes start to water more.
“No. Well, no current anger. She…she said she doesn’t want any of us to be permanently unhappy,” he says wetly, deciding that sharing this is okay.
“Sounds like she’s inviting you to start moving forward, too,” Jimin says softly.
Jungkook feels a tear slide down his cheek.
“Yeah,” he whispers.
Jimin reaches over again and finds Jungkook’s hand in the dark, holding on strongly. The touch feels grounding and Jungkook sniffles but smiles at the affection. He knows Jimin knows there’s more that Jungkook wants to say. That there’s more on his mind that needs a release. He’s grateful for the silent patience that falls over them, for the gentleness that currently permeates from Jimin’s presence. Another moment passes before he’s ready again.
“She asked me if I’d always had feelings for him,” he says quietly.
“What did you tell her?”
“The truth. That not always. But for a long time.”
Jimin squeezes his hand again. A sign that it’s okay to go on.
“She also asked if I want…if I want to be with him.”
“And?” Jimin asks gingerly.
Jungkook swallows, more emotions threatening to spill over.
“I told her I still have feelings for him. I wasn’t ready to say more than that.”
“And that’s okay,” Jimin reassures.
Jungkook chews on his lip, still fidgeting with the blanket.
“I think…I had put really considering if that’s something that I want on hold. I was obviously still thinking about him a lot but in a more abstract way. Putting to the side that there were still questions about us together that needed answers. Or, at least, beginnings of answers.”
He sighs frustratedly after the words leave his mouth.
“That didn’t even make sense,” he mutters.
“No, no. I think I know what you mean. Even though he never left your mind, there were still parts that you needed to leave alone for a while. And that’s completely understandable. And completely okay from where it seems you and him left things,” Jimin says.
Jungkook feels another tear escape, Jimin’s words soaking in sweetly. He wipes this one away gently and inhales deeply. The next thoughts he’s about to voice big ones to say aloud.
“After talking with Dae, I think I am ready to start thinking about those parts of it. Of us,” he says quietly.
“Yeah? You feel in a better place mentally?” Jimin checks gently.
Jungkook nods, maybe more to himself than to Jimin who he knows can hardly see him.
“Yeah, I do. I’m not totally healed from everything but I…I never will be if I keep ignoring what the next step for us is.”
“I agree,” Jimin replies firmly.
Jungkook laughs wetly at the resolved reply. He wipes his watery eyes again, thinking for a moment.
“I do still want him, Jimin,” he admits in a whisper.
“Honestly, it would be easier if I didn’t want him anymore. If I could just move on and let what happened be the end. But I…I don’t want it to be the end,” he adds.
“Our hearts never seem to take the easier route, do they? And we can’t force them to not feel how they feel. So it’s okay that you don’t want to put a period at the end of you and him,” Jimin says.
Jungkook listens, letting the sentiments sink in. Appreciating the acceptance and openness of them.
“Maybe… a better way to say it would be…I still want a new beginning with him. One where we both feel better emotionally and know that we…that we want to explore the possibility of a relationship. One that doesn’t start with secrets and lying.”
“That makes sense. I think that would be a good place to start. For both of you.”
Jungkook smiles but then hesitates. A nagging fear that’s been in the back of his mind rearing up. A fear that contributed greatly to him pushing aside thinking about a future that had him and Namjoon being more than friends after everything.
“You don’t think I’m…that I’m being stupid?” he whispers out.
“Hey, no!’ Jimin exclaims, moving even closer.
“There are so many people who would think that I am,” Jungkook sighs.
“Well, none of them live here,” Jimin replies firmly.
Jungkook wipes more fallen tears and squeezes Jimin’s hand again.
“Really?”
“Really. I mean, think of all the crazy things human beings take chances on. And love will always be one of them,” Jimin says.
“I guess that’s true,” Jungkook nods.
“Of course it is! I always know what I’m talking about,” Jimin says with a playful shove to Jungkook’s shoulder.
Jungkook laughs wetly, feeling like a boulder full of emotions has been lifted off him. He knows he still has a lot more to unpack. A lot more emotions and hurt to maneuver through. But the talks he’s had in the last couple of days give him hope that maybe there is a future that has him and everyone else being okay. Maybe even more than okay.
He’s still scared but it’s now mixed with something more. The blacks and grays that had painted over the brightness of his feelings for Namjoon feel like they are fading slightly. The pretty shades of reds, lavenders and pinks starting to become visible again. They’re still mixed with the darker colors but all together, they’re swirling into a new palette. One that has the potential to create something new from the swatches of the past.
Jungkook’s heart feels like it’s one second away from bursting out of his chest. He feels like every inch of him is dripping with nerves, like there must be a visible static buzz around him. He paces around his room, checking his watch. It’s still early but the thought of sitting around and waiting for the time to pass sounds unbearable.
Nodding firmly to himself, he makes a beeline for the bathroom. He turns on the shower, quickly stripping off his hoodie and sweats. Stepping quickly under the stream of water, he lets out a yelp. The water is still cold, a small shock to his warm skin. He hops impatiently from foot to foot, waiting for the stream to heat up.
He knows it must be less than a minute but it feels like forever before he’s able to stand comfortably under the water. He starts to wash his hair, allowing himself a moment to take in the pleasant scent of his shampoo. He moves on to suds up the rest of his body, hands working carefully over his skin. His hands waver for a moment, remembering the sensations of another set of hands travelling over his bare skin.
He clears his throat in the quiet bathroom, shaking his head at himself. Tries to tell himself now is not the time to become lost in those types of memories. Rinsing off quickly, he turns the shower off and steps out.
Wrapping a towel around his waist, he glances at himself through the half fogged up mirror. The warmth from the shower has made his skin match how he feels on the inside. Pink hues that are ready to bloom even brighter, shy but hopeful.
He chews on his lip, cupping a warm cheek as he turns away from the mirror. He knows he needs to not place too much pressure on tonight. Knows that things need to unfold naturally.
He makes his way back to his room, still feeling flushed despite himself. He’s so distracted, he almost walks right by Jimin and Taehyung sitting on his bed. A loud throat clear makes him jump, eyes finally landing on the bed.
“Oh! Hey,” he says, blinking at the two of them.
Jimin rolls his eyes good naturedly.
“We’re here for moral support. And to help you get ready, of course,” he announces, like it should be the most obvious thing in the world.
Jungkook breaks into a smile and nods.
“Thanks,” he murmurs softly.
Taehyung reaches out to give his hand a squeeze as Jimin pops up from the bed to stand in front of Jungkook’s closet.
“So where are you guys going? I need to know what I’m working with,” Jimin says cheerfully.
“Just dinner and maybe a walk after…” Jungkook trails off, mind already wandering back to nerves and cautious optimism.
Jimin and Taehyung exchange an amused look and Jimin claps his hands together loudly.
“Got it. Dinner.”
He turns to start rummaging around in the closet while Jungkook goes to his dresser for underwear. He pulls on a pair under his towel and lies down on the bed by Taehyung.
“Nervous?” Taehyung asks gently, turning to face him.
Jungkook swallows and nods.
“I don’t want to mess anything up,” he whispers.
Taehyung reaches over and combs fingers through Jungkook’s still damp hair.
“You won’t.”
Jungkook sighs.
“But what if-”
“Jungkook,” Taehyung interrupts gently.
“Tonight is going to go great, okay? After all you’ve been through, the universe is going to give you this,” Taehyung says, nodding wisely.
“Yeah?” Jungkook asks, giggling at Taehyung still nodding with closed eyes.
“Of course,” Taehyung replies surely.
“I agree!” Jimin pipes up, the top half of his body disappearing into the closet.
Jungkook and Taehyung look over at him, laughing at the sight. He reappears, holding out two hangers.
“What about this?” he asks, swinging the hangers playfully.
A brown two piece set hangs off them, the fabric completely covered in small cutouts. Jungkook frowns at him.
“I’m not wearing see-through pants to a nice restaurant,” he deadpans.
“No?” Jimin asks, eyes squinting to study the clothes.
“What do you mean “no?”! You can see my underwear in those!” Jungkook throws back.
Jimin and Taehyung giggle.
“Okay, okay. Not that kind of vibe, then,” Jimin says between laughs.
He turns to hang up the set and pick through more clothes while Jungkook lets out a couple of more grumbles.
“Okay, I’ve really got it this time,” Jimin says, pulling two more hangers from the closet.
He holds them up for approval again, grinning.
“Yes! That's going to look so good!” Taehyung nods enthusiastically.
Jungkook scans the shirt and pants and looks between Jimin and Taehyung quizzically.
“You don’t think it’ll be too much?”
Jimin gasps theatrically.
“Still doubting my advice?”
Jungkook laughs and holds up his hands in acceptance.
“No, no. Never,” he says in mock seriousness, making them all laugh.
He pushes himself off the bed and reaches out for the hangers. Jimin hands them over and waits patiently while Jungkook quickly pulls on the fitted black button and definitely fitted dark gray and black checkered pants. Once he’s done, he opens his arms to Jimin and Taehyung in question.
“Look okay?”
Two sets of eyes scan over him.
“I’ve done it again,” Jimin says smugly.
“Umm…is that a yes?” Jungkook asks unsurely.
Jimin’s smug look falls and he huffs out a sigh.
“Yes!”
Taehyung giggles and shoots Jungkook two big thumbs up.
“A definite yes. You look great.”
Jungkook nods, taking a deep breath to try and ground himself. Jimin’s expression softens and he reaches out to give Jungkook’s arm a gentle rub.
“Tonight will go great,” he says reassuringly.
He tilts his head and gives Jungkook’s outfit another once over. His hands move up to undo one of the buttons Jungkook had done.
“There,” he says, patting Jungkook’s shoulders.
Jungkook nods in acceptance, shaking his arms out nervously.
“First dates are always nerve wracking, huh,” Jimin says with a wink.
Jungkook chews his lip in a shy smile, nodding again. Jimin gives him a quick hug before pulling away and motioning at Taehyung.
“We’ll be downstairs.”
Taehyung bounds off the bed, giving Jungkook a final thumbs up. Jungkook smiles as they leave, silence filling his room once it’s just him again. He looks around, the familiar sights of his room comforting him.
He wants so much for tonight to go well. Wants more than tonight to go well. But he also reminds himself that enough time has passed, that he’s found it within himself, to be okay if this isn’t the start of something new. That his identity and happiness doesn’t solely rely on one single person or one single relationship. And it feels so good to know and understand this about himself.
Yes, there was no way he wasn’t going to be nervous tonight and he doesn’t want to say or do anything awkward but it feels different from the past. Because it feels like tonight is about adding new notes to a piece of music that already plays faintly and prettily in the back of his mind. A cascading tune that he’s created and is open to sharing with someone.
Though deciding he wanted tonight to happen was not a decision he made lightly even though he knew he still had strong feelings for Namjoon. The consideration of when and if he would really know when he was ready weighed heavily on him. But as more time passed, his mind and heart became surer in what they were willing to try and experience again, taking into consideration that it was still somewhat like free falling. Exciting and exhilarating but with a chance of splintering on the ground of a reality that the two of them were just something that wasn’t going to work. But he realized he was willing to take the risk.
So he takes one more moment with himself before he goes to grab his wallet off the nightstand. He spots his tube of cherry lip balm, a soft flutter of wings picking up in his stomach. He hesitates for a moment and then reaches for the tube. He opens it and is immediately hit with the sweet scent. He glides it across his lips, unable to stop the small smile that reaches them.
When he makes his way downstairs, he sees Jimin and Taehyung sitting on the couch with a movie on. They both grin when they see him. He crosses over to them, taking a seat on the end of the couch.
He tries to watch the movie to distract himself but it doesn’t work. He checks his phone, the minutes ticking by so slowly, he half wants to ask Jimin and Taehyung to check theirs to make sure. His leg starts to bounce distractedly as the other two chatter about the movie. Unable to remain still, he gets up to get a glass of water from the kitchen. He’s downed half of it before he even makes it back to the couch. He only manages to watch for a couple of minutes while finishing his water before his mind wanders. Setting the glass down, he clasps and unclasps his hands.
The doorbell rings and he immediately jumps up from the couch. They all go silent and stare at each other until Taehyung bursts into quiet laughter. Jungkook and Jimin join in as Taehyung stands and starts to head for the door. Jimin grabs him by the collar, pulling him back.
“What are you doing!? This isn’t your date,” he hisses.
“Okay, okay, sorry,” Taehyung grumbles, fixing his shirt.
“We’ll be in the kitchen,” Jimin says, turning towards Jungkook.
“Let us know if you need anything. At any point tonight,” Taehyung adds, tone serious but with softness.
“Thanks, I will,” Jungkook murmurs.
They all smile at each other for a moment before Taehyung clears his throat.
“Oh, you should probably answer the door.”
“Yeah, probably,” Jungkook laughs.
He takes a step towards the door as Jimin and Taehyung disappear into the kitchen. His feet feel heavy with anticipation as he puts one foot in front of the other. Once he’s standing at the door, he takes a deep breath. Reminds himself that he can do this and will be okay no matter what. He reaches forward. A click of the lock and the door swings open.
His heart immediately glows when his eyes land on Namjoon. Handsome as ever, dimples on shy display as he smiles at Jungkook. Everything so familiar yet tinged with that feeling of new and different. A lovely quilt that blankets him gently, known but with new squares sewn on.
“Hey, Kook.”
“Hey.”
They stare at each other, eyes traveling over features and drinking them in. Like they both know that this is a fresh, new shade of light they are seeing each other in. That tonight is them showing that they accept this about each other. That they don’t want to hide away from the shared glimmer that never completely left.
“It’s…it’s so nice to see you,” Namjoon says softly, voice filled with sincerity.
And Jungkook sees it again. More of the pretty shades of color starting to peek through a sky that felt devoid of them for so long.
“You too,” he murmurs.
A small spike of bravery runs through him as he continues to gaze into Namjoon’s eyes.
“I…I’m excited for our first date.”
“I’ve wanted to have a first date with you for a long time,” he adds, flushing at his own words.
Namjoon’s smile deepens and he leans closer, Jungkook’s body doing the same.
“Me too,” he says, finally bowing his head shyly.
Jungkook can’t stop the endeared smile that crosses his face. He notices the collar of Namjoon’s chocolate brown button down has flipped up and can’t help himself. Reaching up tentatively, he gently moves his hand to Namjoon’s nape. He hears Namjoon’s breath hitch in surprise, his head lifting. Eyes meeting again, they watch each other as Jungkook carefully fixes the fabric, fingers ghosting over Namjoon’s skin. His fingers itch to stay but he pulls them back. Slow. He knows they both need things to go slow.
“Thanks,” Namjoon murmurs.
They stand still for a moment before Namjoon smiles again and tilts his head.
“Ready?” he asks.
Jungkook nods, body humming happily at being in such close proximity to Namjoon again. But also at just being happy. At being okay after everything.
Because this time, instead of flinging himself into unknown waters and hoping he can survive under the crashing waves, he’s wading in carefully. Letting the warm waters gently lap at his toes and then ankles, small steps forward that feel so beautifully significant. Because this time he knows. Knows that if he does make it all the way under again, it will be a sweetly slow descent that has the potential to be completely worth the wait.
In the act of loving, I find myself, I discover myself, I discover us both.
-Erich Fromm
Notes:
Oh my. I really hope you liked this (almost) final part. I love these two so much and wanted to make sure I got their ending as right as I could. I want to say thank you again to anyone that has read any portion of this story. I’m a bit embarrassed at how long it took to finish but here we finally are. And to anyone that has been reading this from the beginning and looking forward to new chapters, thank you for sticking around. It really means so much to me.
I’ve thought about these two so much over the past years and I’ll dearly miss writing them. But they’ll always be here for us to visit! Rereading some of the past chapters, I see so many things I would change. But then I guess they wouldn’t be them, right?
Anyway, please share your thoughts in the comments. I love reading what you guys think and feel about them.
And there will be an epilogue because I simply couldn’t resist! It’s already written and will be posted very soon after this. Thank you thank you thank you.
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Chapter 10: Epilogue
Notes:
They just had to have an epilogue! I hope you enjoy reading. 💜
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
One Year Later
Sunlight seeps in through Jungkook’s closed eyelids, creating a golden glow that warms his being comfortingly. It feels like it’s spreading throughout him with care, making sure that all of him is cradled tenderly. The warmest of hugs.
As if on cue to further sweeten the sensations, he feels strong arms wrap around his waist from behind, holding him close. He sighs happily, eyes still closed. His limbs feel heavy with a blissful haze as his hands move to caress the arms around him, warm skin gliding under his palms.
He lets his body melt completely into the embrace. Knows that the arms around him will keep him secure. It feels so good to be held like this. To feel like the line between two bodies can really be blurred if they press in close enough.
He continues to keep his lids shut as the moments pass, a small inkling of a worry trying to form. A worry that this moment is just too good for reality. That if he opens his eyes, he will realize he is dreaming and will wake up to cold with no warm arms wrapped around him.
But when a deep hum from the body behind him reverberates into his, the worry washes away completely. He’s peacefully reminded that even though this does feel like a dream, he is very much awake. Smiling, he turns slowly in the arms around him.
His eyes blink open, focusing immediately on Namjoon’s. His heart flutters happily at the way Namjoon looks back at him, eyes gentle and shimmering as they search his. His arms move to circle around Namjoon’s neck, pulling him closer so their chests are flush. He sighs happily again, nestling his face in the crook of Namjoon’s neck and taking a deep inhale of him.
“You always smell so good,” he mumbles into Namjoon’s skin.
Namjoon chuckles softly while his hands rub soothingly at Jungkook’s waist.The touches warm him even more than the sunlight that is now soaking into his back. He places a whisper soft kiss on Namjoon’s skin, making Namjoon’s hands tighten sweetly. He doesn’t want to leave the lovely, hidden spot he’s nestled into but also wants to be able to see Namjoon again. Wants to check for the millionth time that the light that seems to brighten when they look at each other still gleams strongly.
He draws out of Namjoon’s neck slowly, allowing just enough space for their eyes to find each other again. He sees the light immediately. Loves the way it travels straight to his heart and makes it feel like fire, passionately raging and bright at times and warm and comforting at others. Namjoon smiles for him, taking one hand from his waist and raising it to carefully tilt Jungkook’s chin up.
“Beautiful,” he murmurs.
Jungkook feels his cheeks flush, finding it welcomely wondrous that, even after everything they’ve been through, hearing the word in Namjoon’s deep voice still affects him so. His lashes flutter softly when Namjoon leans down to kiss his cheekbone.
He doesn’t have any explanations for why this all feels so good. For why, after what would turn many people away, he and Namjoon still find each other. He can’t put into words how, even though the hurt was a deep one, the love, growth and change outweighs it by so much. It doesn’t mean they pretend that the hurt and mistakes were never there, but that they have worked hard to mend it all into a tapestry that now feels stronger and better than Jungkook thought was possible. The pretty thoughts make him hold onto Namjoon even tighter.
He hums happily and glances past Namjoon’s shoulder, eyes traveling around the new apartment. Still sparsely furnished but shining with possibilities of what the space can hold for them. Of what they can create here together. A soft laugh escapes him when he sees a new plant has been added to Namjoon’s growing stash.
“We have more plants than we do furniture,” he smiles.
“Do we?” Namjoon blinks innocently.
Jungkook giggles and nods.
“Okay, I’ll take a break on the plants,” Namjoon acquiesces with a grin.
Jungkook runs fingers through Namjoon’s hair gently.
“You don’t need to. I like them,” he murmurs.
They gaze at each other for a moment when he remembers.
“Oh! I forgot to tell you. Guess what was delivered today?”
Namjoon tilts his head and thinks.
“The desk and bed said they were being delivered soon,” he says thoughtfully.
Jungkook drums his fingers on Namjoon’s nape.
“Which one would be more exciting?” he asks, widening his eyes innocently.
Namjoon’s brows crease and then his own eyes widen in understanding. Jungkook doesn’t think he’s imagining it when Namjoon’s hold on him tightens again.
“The bed,” he murmurs, voice going a pitch lower.
“Right,” Jungkook replies softly.
“Can we set it up tonight?” he asks, leaning in closer to Namjoon.
He sees Namjoon’s throat bob with a swallow.
“Yeah,” Namjoon breathes out.
Jungkook continues to lean in, seeing Namjoon’s eyes darken as he does. Keeping his movements gentle and slow, he ghosts his lips over Namjoon’s. Lets the sensitive skin barely touch as Namjoon’s breath hitches. Before either of them can add more pressure to make it a real kiss, Jungkook pulls away. He takes a step back from Namjoon, eyeing him playfully.
“But first we need to go grocery shopping for dinner,” he says, grinning.
Namjoon blinks at him in surprise, making Jungkook laugh as he reaches for Namjoon’s hand to pull him towards the front door.
“O-oh. Right,” Namjoon says slowly.
He narrows his eyes when he sees Jungkook’s expression.
“I’m definitely getting you back for that,” he says, shaking his head with a smile.
“Oh yeah?” Jungkook teases as he keeps pulling Namjoon along.
Namjoon’s hand moves to squeeze Jungkook’s side playfully, Jungkook giggling at the touch but also having to tamp down thoughts of Namjoon touching him more.
Grocery shopping always seemed like a chore but now, Jungkook finds he loves it. Loves how domestic and calming it feels to have Namjoon next to him as they throw suggestions and items back and forth and into their cart.
It’s become somewhat of a routine for them that started before the move, Jungkook becoming determined to teach Namjoon more about cooking. Slowly but surely, they started making their way through recipes, picking up ingredients weekly and working side by side in the kitchen. The first time Jungkook saw Namjoon try to chop a carrot, he’d almost been sent into cardiac arrest but he’d been getting a lot better with Jungkook’s patient teachings.
For tonight’s menu, they settle on a simple noodle dish with a cold soup. The shopping goes by quickly and they arrive back home before long, Jungkook smiling softly to himself as he stands behind Namjoon while he opens the front door for them. Their front door.
The new stage still makes his heart flutter. They live together. Will create a home that is a combination of the two of them. Have really already started. It feels so grown up. But so right. So sweet and significant to how far they have come, individually and together. The door swings open and Jungkook follows Namjoon through, heart full and happy.
Their synchronicity shows itself as they make dinner, used to each other’s flow. It doesn’t take long and soon they're bringing food to the coffee table in the living room. Jungkook makes a mental note to bump up the dining table on the list of furniture they need. For now, they sit down on floor cushions with their backs to the couch.
They start to eat and talk, Jungkook telling Namjoon about his day. Namjoon listens carefully and gives encouragements when Jungkook updates him about yet another new project he’s heading up. Conversation flows easily to Namjoon’s recent promotion with Jungkook giving similar affirmations and then to possibly visiting Jungkook’s parents soon.
“Have you talked to Jimin and Tae lately?” Namjoon asks, sipping from his spoon.
Jungkook nods as he finishes a bite of noodles.
“Yeah, we facetimed before you got home today,” he says, smiling as he thinks about them.
It had been such a big deal to even start to think about not living with Jimin and Taehyung anymore. To not live with two of the people he had shared so many talks, emotions and experiences with. But as more time passed, Jungkook realized how strongly this was something he really wanted with Namjoon. He had been so nervous to tell them, afraid they might not understand or worse, that it would hurt their feelings. Like his moving was a signifier that he wanted to move on from them.
Namjoon had listened patiently and talked with him soothingly as he agonized about it for weeks, making sure to let Jungkook know that there was no deadline he needed to do this by. That Namjoon would wait however long it took Jungkook to be ready to tell them.
When he had finally told them tearily, they had all hugged and smiled and cried like they had done so many times before. The two of them had seen first hand all the progress, individually and with Namjoon, that Jungkook had made mentally and emotionally. Had been the best support system to have while things with Namjoon slowly started to build into something new and strong and different.
Because it had been a process. Learning to trust and share with Namjoon again. Accepting that the scars from the past didn’t have to be ugly and hidden away. That they could be representations of something deeper. Something to look back on and measure progress and time with.
After their first date and realizing just how strong the connection still was, they had talked a lot about how to proceed in a way that was good for both of them. Going to therapy together had helped tremendously, with each of them determined to work through the past and hopefully create something special and secure for the future. Each also working on themselves to be stronger halves of a whole. And it had all been so worth it. For Jungkook to feel more secure in himself and in starting a new relationship. A means to a beautiful ending that filled Jungkook’s heart so completely.
The soft sensation of Namjoon’s fingers tangling with his brings him back to the current moment. The touch feels warm and tender and understanding. He realizes he must have been silent for a while, pausing to reminisce.
“Missing them?” Namjoon asks knowingly.
“A little bit,” Jungkook answers, moving his legs so they fall over Namjoon’s.
He leans back, eyes roaming over Namjoon’s face. Namjoon puts his spoon down and watches back softly. Jungkook looks to the side for a moment and then back at Namjoon, still feeling and thinking back on the last year.
“I’m really happy,” he murmurs.
Namjoon smiles, dimples making a lovely appearance. He brings Jungkook’s hand up to his lips and places a soft kiss in the palm.
“So am I.”
Jungkook beams back, the small kiss leaving tingles up his arm. Namjoon’s other hand lands on his thigh, massaging slowly. The firm touch makes Jungkook chew on his lip, eyes continuing to trace over Namjoon’s face. When they travel down to Namjoon’s lips, he feels a blush creeping into his cheeks. It deepens when Namjoon chuckles softly. Jungkook swallows, a glow of anticipation starting to grow in his core.
“Kiss?” he asks softly.
Namjoon’s gaze tangles with Jungkook’s and he nods slowly. Jungkook’s heart starts to pick up sweetly as Namjoon leans in closer. His lids flutter dreamily the second Namjoon’s plush lips skim over his. Their breath starts to mingle in a syrupy heat as Namjoon adds more pressure, their lips melting together.
Jungkook’s shivers and his hand lands on Namjoon’s warm chest. He feels the steady pound of Namjoon’s heartbeat, smiling into the kiss at how much he still loves it. Feels like his heart is beating out the same notes in his own chest.
He gasps softly into Namjoon’s mouth when he feels the silkiness of Namjoon’s tongue start to tease over the inner seam of his lower lip. His fingers dig in slightly to clutch onto the fabric of Namjoon’s shirt. Namjoon gives one more petal soft lick before he pulls away slowly, eyes intense as Jungkook’s eyes blink open dazedly.
“Can we set up the bed now?” Jungkook breathes out, a smile whispering across his lips.
Namjoon’s hold on him tightens and he presses their foreheads together as he laughs affectionately.
“Definitely.”
They quickly put leftovers and dishes away, a newly charged air starting to permeate the apartment. The large boxes the mattress and frame are in are still by the front door and takes both of them to push into the bedroom that currently only holds a couple of pieces of furniture. Namjoon cuts open the frame box and pulls out an instruction booklet that Jungkook starts to eye warily as he watches all the pages that Namjoon flips through. There’s a slow heat starting to simmer under his skin, making him want to get the bed built as fast as possible. To feel Namjoon’s touch on his skin as soon as possible. He must be pouting because when Namjoon glances over at him, he gives his waist a reassuring squeeze that sends a tingle down his spine.
“It really doesn’t look too hard. Shouldn’t take too long.”
Jungkook nods and takes a determined breath. He starts to help Namjoon unpack the large box, his mind starting to get lost in following the instructions carefully.
Namjoon’s right and it doesn’t take them long to have the frame built. He tightens the last screw and then stands to take a step back and admire their work. He smiles at the bamboo wood frame, the bamboo Namjoon’s pick and the dark shade his. He looks over at Namjoon and nods happily.
“It’s pretty,” he says approvingly.
“It is,” Namjoon agrees.
They cut into the sealed mattress next, bursting into laughter when it expands almost immediately and almost knocks them both off their feet. They place it on the frame and step back again to admire. A few moments pass before Jungkook moves to stand at the foot of the bed.
“Finally!” he exclaims, stretching out his arms and falling backwards onto the bed.
Namjoon laughs as Jungkook smiles up at the ceiling. Jungkook takes a deep breath before he moves to sit up on his knees at the edge of the bed. He reaches out for Namjoon who closes the space between them in seconds, hands landing on Jungkook’s waist. Jungkook hums and wraps his arms around Namjoon’s shoulders.
“Love when you hold my waist,” he murmurs.
“Oh yeah?” Namjoon smiles, thumbs starting to massage circles into Jungkook’s hip bones.
Jungkook swallows and nods, his grip on Namjoon’s shoulders tightening.
“Love when you do a lot of things,” he whispers, eyes traveling down to Namjoon’s mouth.
Namjoon hums and leans in closer, Jungkook’s focus narrowing into only him. Namjoon’s lips open teasingly, Jungkook’s following. Instead of pressing a kiss to his lips, Namjoon feeds him a wisp of warm breath and then peeks his tongue out to kitten lick across Jungkook’s mouth. Jungkook gasps softly, his stomach tightening. He blinks dreamily, ready to be given more. He frowns slightly when he feels the warmth of Namjoon’s body leaving him.
“I’m gonna take a shower,” Namjoon says as he pulls away with a playful smile.
Jungkook’s hazy mind takes a second to register the words and all he’s able to do is continue blinking at Namjoon for a moment.
“W-what?” he finally stutters out in confusion.
“Shower,” Namjoon repeats innocently.
“But I thought…” Jungkook trails off, taking in Namjoon’s amused grin.
Then he remembers. Realizes that this is his payback for earlier. He can’t stop his face from falling into a pout.
“Cute,” Namjoon says lightly as he takes in Jungkook’s expression.
Jungkook gives a huff that just makes Namjoon grin wider. He tries to stay annoyed. He really does. But the dimples make it hard. Really hard. He rolls his eyes to get his point across at least a little, breaking out into giggles when Namjoon holds him tighter and tips him back playfully.
“Okay, truce. Why don’t you join me?” Namjoon says, pressing a gentle kiss into Jungkook’s temple.
Jungkook feels a lick of heat travel down his spine at the suggestion. He buries his face in the warm skin of Namjoon’s neck and nods wordlessly.
“Okay,” Namjoon murmurs, arms moving to completely circle around Jungkook’s waist.
It’s so easy to know what to do next. For Jungkook to wrap his legs around Namjoon as he’s lifted from the bed. He smiles into Namjoon’s skin as he’s carried from the bedroom to the adjoining bathroom.
He unwraps his legs and is gently set down, the tile floor cool on his bare feet. Namjoon smiles at him, massaging Jungkook’s side before he reaches over to turn the shower on. The small room fills with the sound of water as Namjoon looks at Jungkook again, reaching up to twirl a dark lock between his fingers.
“Can I undress you?” Namjoon asks softly.
The question makes Jungkook insides tingle, a static buzz that reaches all the way down into his toes.
“Yes please,” he breathes out.
Namjoon’s eyes darken a bit at the eager affirmativeness. He nods, hands falling to trail at the hem of Jungkook’s t-shirt. Jungkook bites into his lip when he feels Namjoon’s warm fingers tickle over his skin.
Slowly, Namjoon begins to lift the shirt. Jungkook holds his breath as planes of bare skin are exposed for Namjoon’s eyes only. He lifts his arms obediently once the shirt is past his chest, letting Namjoon pull it off completely.
Namjoon’s eyes travel over him appreciatively, making Jungkook’s skin feel warm and wanted. He reaches up to trace a lit path down and through the valleys of Jungkook’s muscles. Jungkook’s eyes flutter and he flushes when he feels his nipples pebble quickly at the touches. He swallows when he sees Namjoon smile knowingly.
Once Namjoon reaches his waistline again, he runs a finger along the fabric of Jungkook’s sweats. His lips fall open in a soft sigh when Namjoon presses his fingers inside and just massages the soft skin around his pelvis. His skin prickles hotly with how much he wants Namjoon to go lower but he refrains from asking, curious to see what Namjoon will do on his own.
Namjoon leans in, pressing a kiss to Jungkook’s bare shoulder as he loops his thumb into the waistband. He begins to pull down, Jungkook feeling the fabric lowered gently over the swell of his ass. Namjoon lets go once his sweats are mid thigh, letting them fall in a pool at Jungkook’s feet. Jungkook steps out of them carefully, glancing in the bathroom as he does. The image of Namjoon’s fully clothed body next to his bare one makes him shiver. Looking back at Namjoon, his temples burn when he sees the way Namjoon is already looking at him.
“So gorgeous,” Namjoon says softly.
Jungkook’s essence continues to burn at being so fully on display but it’s a sweet, delicious burn. Because the eyes he’s on display for are ones that he wants looking at him always.
He feels almost transparent with the way that Namjoon is gazing at him. Like he can truly see through him, Jungkook knowing that it’s safe to be observed like this. Body, mind and soul crystal clear and shimmering for both of them. Namjoon's gaze remains on him as he reaches for the hem of his own shirt, starting to pull up before Jungkook quickly grabs his wrist.
“Wait, wait. It’s my turn,” he says with wide eyes.
Namjoon’s brows crease but then crinkle in understanding. He lets go of his hem and nods. Jungkook bites his lip in a smile and looks down between them. He reaches out, slipping both hands under Namjoon’s shirt. His fingers splay over the muscles, palms drinking in the warmth of Namjoon’s skin. He slowly glides his hands up, the fabric of Namjoon’s shirt pushing up with the movement.
His eyes take in Namjoon’s bare skin and he fights to keep a dreamy sigh in. His hands continue up, brushing over Namjoon’s pecs and nipples. He feels Namjoon shiver, a corresponding one making its way through his own body.
He looks back into Namjoon’s eyes as he carefully pulls the shirt over his head and off his arms. He wants to press his body in Namjoon’s, to feel skin on skin but refrains for now. He does trace Namjoon’s collarbones for a moment before his hands travel down to the button of Namjoon’s loose jeans.
He hears Namjoon inhale deeply at having his fingers there. Can’t stop his own body from leaning closer as he undoes the button and pulls down the zipper. His thumbs hook into the waistbands of Namjoon’s jeans and underwear, starting to pull down slowly. His eyes travel down as all of Namjoon is revealed to him, making his heart pound and his mouth water. The clothes fall the rest of the way off and Namjoon steps out of them as Jungkook continues to stare. Namjoon’s soft laugh snaps him out of his appreciative daze.
“Love looking at you,” he murmurs in honest shyness.
Namjoon’s eyes soften and he reaches up to trace the slope of Jungkook’s nose.
“So sweet,” he smiles.
Jungkook smiles back, fingers tangling with Namjoon’s as he pulls them towards the shower. Namjoon follows easily and they step under the warm water together. The spray feels good, relaxing Jungkook’s body instantly. He sighs contentedly, blinking droplets from his lashes so he can focus on Namjoon.
His eyes move up and down Namjoon’s figure, mind becoming blissfully enchanted with the way the water rivulets fall down his chest. He follows one that travels between Namjoon’s pecs and all the way down past his hip bone. His hand reaches out to draw out the same path, swirling an invisible painting into the muscle of Namjoon’s upper thigh.
“I like when you touch me,” Namjoon murmurs with heavy eyes, the veil of water making his words quiet but still so leaden with affection.
Jungkook nods in shy agreement, eyes still glued to Namjoon as he reaches for the body wash on the small shower ledge. Opening the bottle, he squeezes a sizable amount into his hand. Setting the bottle down, he rubs his palms together to fill them with suds.
His breath shakes a little when his hands land on Namjoon again. He starts to spread the suds around, loving the feel of Namjoon’s warm and slippery skin. Namjoon’s eyes flutter closed and his head tilts back.
“Feels good, baby,” he sighs out.
Jungkook’s hands stutter at the name even though he’s heard it thousands of times. But something about hearing it from Namjoon will just never get old. Will seemingly never not have an affect on him.
He swallows, watching as the water rinses the suds off Namjoon’s golden skin. He shakes his head slightly to try and calm himself. Moving his hands in slow glides, he reaches around Namjoon’s broad back to massage in the rest of the wash. Namjoon hums, a low sound that ricochets off the shower walls and straight into Jungkook’s core.
His hands slow to a stop, settling to just hold Namjoon close. Namjoon’s eyes blink open and focus on Jungkook immediately. He smiles softly when he sees Jungkook’s enamored expression, leaning in to kiss a droplet off Jungkook’s cheekbone.
“Your turn?” he asks.
“Okay,” Jungkook nods with a smile.
Namjoon reaches past him for the body wash, placing it back once he has a large handful.
“Can you turn around for me, baby?”
Jungkook flushes at the question but nods and lets go of Namjoon to turn his back towards him. Goosebumps erupt over his skin despite the warm water, Namjoon’s gaze blazing welcomely into his skin.
His eyes close immediately when Namjoon’s hands land gently on his shoulder blades, massaging gently. He works his way down Jungkook’s back slowly, Jungkook’s muscles turning to putty at the touches.
His breath hitches when Namjoon’s hands wrap around his waist and gently pull him closer. Namjoon continues to glide his hands up Jungkook’s stomach and chest, the slippery touches so sensual and sending peaks of arousal through Jungkook. His head falls back on Namjoon’s shoulder, Namjoon placing a wet kiss on his neck.
A surprised whimper leaves his lips when Namjoon travels back down his body, hand splaying so close to where he feels another rush of arousal. His own hand reaches up to tangle in Namjoon’s wet hair, breaths coming in deeper as Namjoon gives his neck more kisses and massages the skin just above where Jungkook feels blood rushing.
Jungkook tilts his head so Namjoon’s kisses land on his lips instead of his neck, their slick mouths melting together in seconds. The slipperiness of each of their movements makes their bodies start to feel like one, edges blurred and seeping into each other. He tries to keep his hips from jerking back and seeking even more of Namjoon’s touch. He shudders when he thinks about how it wouldn’t take much for Namjoon to slip in and press against that sensitive, hidden muscle.
A few more moments of soaked kisses and Namjoon’s hands slowly move back to Jungkook’s waist. But it doesn’t feel like a loss, the air around them heavy with the promise of more to come. That a shower together is merely a small preview of how they want to spend their time tonight.
“Ready?” Namjoon asks.
Jungkook nods, stealing one more kiss as Namjoon reaches to turn off the water. Namjoon laughs into the kiss, making Jungkook smile. Pulling away, he shakes his wet hair out.
“Hey!” Namjoon exclaims playfully as droplets hit his face.
“Sorry,” Jungkook giggles.
He presses his finger into a droplet that’s making its way down Namjoon’s cheek, tracing the dimple there.
“There’s a good chance these will be the death of me,” he says, tapping the dimple for emphasis.
Namjoon's eyes crinkle as he laughs, leading Jungkook out of the shower. He grabs the fluffy bathrobes that Jungkook had insisted they needed from the back of the door and gets to work bundling them both up. He goes for a towel next, gently patting at Jungkook’s damp hair. Jungkook hums happily, each touch feeling so soft and caring. Pulling the towel away after a few more pats, Namjoon combs his fingers through Jungkook’s hair a couple of times. He adds a gentle pressure to the last one, nails grazing Jungkook’s scalp and giving him goosebumps.
“Good?” Namjoon smiles.
“Good,” Jungkook repeats, heart fluttering.
Namjoon grins and quickly dries off his own hair. He hangs up the towel and turns to reach for Jungkook. Jungkook slips his hand into Namjoon’s, feeling an immediate, pretty warmth when their palms meet. A vividness that pulses happily every time they touch. He starts to follow Namjoon out of the bathroom, almost colliding into his back when Namjoon stops short. He blinks in surprise, peering out from behind Namjoon’s back.
“Everything okay?” he asks curiously.
“Yes! I mean, yes. More than okay. Just- can you give me, like, ten minutes? I-I want to do something real quick,” Namjoon stumbles out as he turns to look at Jungkook.
“You want to do “something”? Jungkook asks with an eyebrow raise.
“Not that, ” Namjoon chuckles.
He takes Jungkook’s other hand in his and gives it a squeeze. Pretty eyes somehow focused and soft simultaneously. A mirror of how he makes Jungkook feel. Domestic and sweet on one end with desire and heat on the other. Namjoon leans in closer and tilts his head.
“Please?” he asks softly.
And that’s all it takes.
“Okay. Of course, yeah,” Jungkook nods.
“I’ll wait in the living room?” he adds.
“Thank you,” Namjoon smiles.
He gives Jungkook’s hands another squeeze and kisses his damp hair. Jungkook hadn’t planned on letting go of Namjoon so soon after their shower but his curiosity is peaked so he walks off towards the living room, closing the door behind him.
As he waits patiently on the couch, he looks around the room and another swell of content happiness makes its way over him. Seeing Namjoon’s and his belongings intermingled along with new ones that are both of theirs feels surreal but lovely. A space that’s an amalgamation of the both of them. A space that is solely theirs to fill with love and memories as time passes on.
The minutes pass quickly as Jungkook gets lost in his thoughts, sitting up straighter when he hears Namjoon open the bedroom door. Namjoon looks relieved to see him still in the apartment, making Jungkook bite back a giggle. Namjoon notices anyway and rubs at the back of his neck, letting out a laugh at himself.
Jungkook stands just as Namjoon reaches out for him. Their hands clasp again and Namjoon takes a step backward, starting to pull Jungkook back inside the bedroom.
“Oh, wait! Can you- can you close your eyes?” Namjoon asks before he takes another step.
“Close my eyes?”
Namjoon nods, eyes wide and hopeful and just too endearing to say no to. Jungkook smiles and then closes his eyes, waiting. He feels Namjoon start to lead him again, slow and steady. He thinks they’re about halfway in the room when Namjoon stops them. Namjoon lets go of his hands and Jungkook feels his warmth on the side of him instead of in front.
“Okay, you can open,” Namjoon says quietly.
Jungkook’s eyes flutter open and he’s surprised to find the overhead light off. He blinks a couple of more times as his eyes adjust. When they do, his mouth falls open.
Their new bed is made up in fresh sheets. A pretty, light blue color that stands out nicely against the dark wood of the frame. Different sized candles adorn the small bedside tables they had picked out, making the entire room awash in a sensual glow. White flower petals are scattered daintily around the bed and the floor beside it. Even more candles burn from the large windowsill and on the still bare dresser. Uncomplicated prettiness at its finest. Jungkook looks over at Namjoon with wide eyes.
“Do you like it? I thought it would be nice to…” Namjoon trails off, motioning around the room.
Jungkook only waits a split second before he throws his arms around Namjoon’s shoulders and presses their lips together. Namjoon lets out a surprised huff but then melts into Jungkook’s embrace, arms wrapping around his waist and kissing him back sweetly. Jungkook licks across Namjoon’s lips playfully, Namjoon’s hold on him tightening. He moves to leave a trail of kisses over Namjoon’s jaw, soft and feather light. His hand glides up into Namjoon’s damp hair when he finally pulls away, resting their foreheads together.
“I love it. It’s…it’s perfect,” he murmurs.
Namjoon smiles, skin still blushed from the shower and Jungkook’s kisses.
“I’m not sure why but I was nervous,” he admits sweetly.
Jungkook’s heart feels like the candles that surround them. Glowing and melty at the heat that Namjoon lit them with. Flickering wicks that sway around gracefully but don’t falter in their intensity.
His hand lowers to land on Namjoon’s chest, needing to feel the steady beat of the heart beneath it. His own skips in response when he feels it, a lovely rhythm that pulses in his palm. Jungkook smiles, eyes fluttering closed for a moment. His hands travel back to wrap around Namjoon’s neck, eyes blinking open happily.
“Our first time in our new apartment,” he murmurs, feeling his face flush.
“Our first time? We literally popped the air mattress our first night here,” Namjoon laughs.
Jungkook giggles at the memory but shakes his head.
“But it’ll be super official this time because it’ll be the first time in our own bed.”
The words seem to fully sink in for them both at the same time.
“Our bed,” Namjoon echoes, gaze drinking Jungkook in.
“Our bed. Our apartment. Our life. Ours,” Jungkook lists softly.
Namjoon listens and nods, placing another kiss in Jungkook’s hair.
“Ours,” he agrees easily.
Jungkook’s breath falters at all the emotions running between their bodies. The invisible red thread that thrums and glimmers and connects them in ways that make Jungkook want to shout from the rooftops but also keep to be his alone. His hands drop to where Namjoon’s are, tangling their fingers together over his waist.
“Come here,” he murmurs, pulling Namjoon gently towards the bed.
He feels like he can see Namjoon’s pupils dilate at the words, a pleased hum making its way through his own body. He takes a couple of more steps back until they’re at the edge of the long side of the bed. Glancing at the bed and then back at Namjoon, he tilts his head with a flushed smile. Somehow, Namjoon seems to know what he wants. He sits down on the bed, hands still on Jungkook’s waist and pretty eyes staring up at him. His legs open to let Jungkook stand between them, bodies warm with each other.
Jungkook cups Namjoon’s face gingerly and tilts it towards his own, sealing their lips together again. They kiss languidly, taking the time to breath and taste the other. Jungkook’s pulse quickens when the kisses start to become wetter, hot heat that makes his lips tingle.
He pulls away slightly, thumb caressing Namjoon’s cheekbone before moving to his chin. He pulls down gently, making Namjoon’s red lips open wider for him. Namjoon’s breath hitches, the sound going directly into Jungkook’s core. He closes the space between them again and slowly starts to lick and press into Namjoon’s waiting mouth. Namjoon’s fingertips press into him as their tongues glide and explore, silk on silk.
Jungkook moans quietly into Namjoon’s mouth, body starting to crave more. To touch and feel more. Their lips part with a gasp but he doesn’t give either of them time before he’s sucking wet kisses into the sensitive skin of Namjoon’s neck. He hears Namjoon’s breath shake when he scrapes his teeth over the now reddened skin.
“Y-yes,” Namjoon hums deeply, making Jungkook shiver.
He keeps kissing down Namjoon’s neck, slowly starting to lower his own body. His kisses fall over Namjoon’s chest the lower he goes, knees landing softly on the carpet. One more kiss over Namjoon’s heart and he gazes up. Namjoon looks down at him with wide, blown out eyes. His jaw tightens in the way that Jungkook loves and he looks so devastatingly handsome.
“Fuck,” Namjoon curses softly.
Jungkook laughs quietly, eyes traveling to where Namjoon’s robe is open wide over his chest. He reaches up to circle Namjoon’s pectoral, brushing his nipple. Namjoon shudders, hands flexing. Jungkook leans in to lick across the bud, earning another shudder that makes him smile into Namjoon’s skin. He laves over the bud, letting saliva coat it before he pulls away. Both his hands move to land on the belt of Namjoon’s robe. He looks up again, eyes wide and questioning. Wanting.
“Can I?” he whispers.
Namjoon traces his lower lip and nods.
“Please,” he murmurs.
Jungkook swallows and bites into his lip. He slowly undoes the belt and begins to pull the robe open, eyes savoring every new inch of exposed skin. A wave of lust washes over him, intimate and tingly. Having Namjoon so bare physically and emotionally always feels like opening a diary, private words and thoughts that etch into Jungkook’s own skin and heart.
“Pretty,” he can’t help but breathe out as his gaze paints over Namjoon’s naked body.
Namjoon smiles in surprised affection, chest starting to gain a pink flush. Jungkook’s hands move to Namjoon’s bare thighs, opening them a bit wider. One more intense look into Namjoon’s eyes before he leans down to suck at the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. The skin is soft and warm on his tongue. He licks teasingly before adding more pressure, sucking a dark bloom into the area. Namjoon draws in a sharp breath when he adds a deep scrape of his teeth.
He moves to Namjoon’s other thigh, for now ignoring where Namjoon is starting to fill out. He works on adding a matching bloom, licking soothingly over this one after he presses his canines into the flesh and Namjoon twitches. He tilts his head to look up at Namjoon, licking his lips.
“So hot,” Namjoon says, voice already heavy with want.
Jungkook shivers at the praise, fingertips pressing into the hard muscle of Namjoon’s thighs. He can feel the arousal radiating from Namjoon and traveling into him through his palms. His mouth waters with the need to do and show Namjoon more.
He lowers his head again and exhales, long and slow, warm breath ghosting over Namjoon’s cock. Goosebumps erupt over Namjoon’s skin and he curses. Jungkook smiles and starts to give small kitten licks to Namjoon’s shaft. He loves the way Namjoon’s muscles tense under his hands, loves knowing and feeling the pleasure he can give him.
He flattens his tongue to lick up the entire length, making Namjoon groan. When he reaches the crown, he kisses around it wetly. Namjoon is starting to glimmer with his saliva and it’s so unbearably hot and makes Jungkook’s mouth water more. He lets a wet string fall from his mouth onto Namjoon, blown-out eyes watching as it slides down.
Namjoon’s erection fills out completely when Jungkook points his tongue and teases over his slit. Precum hits his tongue as he absorbs every sound Namjoon is making above him. He looks up at Namjoon under his lashes, slick lips opening in invitation.
“Fuck, baby,” Namjoon groans.
He takes his length in his hand and places the tip on the edge of Jungkook’s wet lower lip. Jungkook flits his tongue over the velvet skin, making Namjoon’s hips jerk and more of him enter Jungkook’s mouth. Jungkook nods eagerly the best he can.
Namjoon slowly feeds him more of his cock, Jungkook’s eyes fluttering as his throat starts to fill. He hollows his cheeks and starts to suck wetly. Namjoon moans, arching into the hot, wet heat. Jungkook pulls back just to sink Namjoon in again, Namjoon’s hand flying to tangle in his hair. He moans when Namjoon pulls lightly, the reverberations just making Namjoon pull harder.
“S-so good,” Namjoon breathes out heavily.
Jungkook moans again at the praise, eyes starting to water as he gazes up at Namjoon. Namjoon stares back, hand gathering up Jungkook’s hair away from his face. Jungkook slowly slides down even lower, more of Namjoon’s cock disappearing into the wetness of his mouth.
“So fucking gorgeous,” Namjoon groans.
Jungkook’s flush somehow deepens and he swallows the best he can to squeeze around Namjoon. Namjoon’s head lolls back, hips jerking again. Jungkook starts to pull off slowly, tongue teasing over Namjoon’s slit again. Namjoon brings his eyes back to Jungkook, letting go of his hair to stroke his cheek.
“Can’t - need you up here,” he grits out.
Another strike of arousal runs through Jungkook and he’s instantly climbing back up into Namjoon’s lap. The sudden change in position makes Namjoon fall back onto the bed, both of them laughing as their lips crash together. Jungkook holds himself above him, a knee on either side of Namjoon’s hips.
They kiss messily, lips landing everywhere. Jungkook feels Namjoon’s hands tracing the belt of his robe and he nods needily, wanting the heavy fabric gone. Wants the only thing on him to be Namjoon’s eyes and hands.
“P-please,” he whimpers.
Namjoon undoes the belt, the robe falling open easily with the way Jungkook’s body is positioned. He quickly wiggles it off his arms, throwing it to the side. Namjoon laughs softly, hands gliding up Jungkook’s taut back. Jungkook’s eyes flutter at the touches and he leans back in for more heated kisses. Namjoon’s hands travel back down his spine, lower and lower. Jungkook shivers, panting into Namjoon’s mouth. Anticipation prickling sweetly all over his body.
“What do you want tonight, baby?”
Jungkook’s breath hitches at the question. He knows what he wants and is pretty sure Namjoon knows too but loves that he still checks. His lips move to Namjoon’s ear to whisper his answer.
“You inside please,” he breathes, licking the shell.
Namjoon shudders, hands sliding down to grip Jungkook’s ass.
“Okay,” he sighs out easily.
His fingertips press into Jungkook’s skin, Jungkook moaning and hopelessly turned on. He brings two fingers up to his mouth, pressing them inside to coat them. Namjoon watches with blown out eyes, Jungkook shining at the undivided attention.
Legs opening a bit wider over Namjoon, Jungkook leans up slightly to reach behind himself. Namjoon realizes what he’s doing and grips his cheeks harder to pull him open. Jungkook sinks his teeth into his lower lip at feeling the cool air hit him. His wet fingers land over his entrance and he starts to circle and tease, shuddering over Namjoon. He’s so sensitive that even the light touches start to build a viscous need in him.
“Making yourself feel good?” Namjoon asks softly.
“M-mhm,” he trembles out, Namjoon’s gaze simmering into him.
He feels one of Namjoon’s hands leave him, starting to search for something under the pillows. Namjoon emerges with a bottle of lube, clicking it open.
“Fingers,” he instructs gently.
Jungkook fights to keep an eager whine in and brings his hand between them. Namjoon tips the bottle and squeezes out a generous amount of lube over Jungkook’s fingers. When he’s done, he sets the bottle next to them and goes back to gripping Jungkook open.
“There you go. Can you keep touching yourself for me?” Namjoon asks, voice so velvety deep.
Jungkook’s entire being flushes at the question.
“Y-yes,” he whispers as he reaches behind himself again.
He goes back to circling and teasing, the lube making the movements deliciously slick. He feels himself spasm needily at something being so close without entering. His middle finger gives one more teasing tap before he starts to carefully press inside, a high moan leaving his lips. He’s so warm and tight as he squeezes over himself, gasping when he presses in deeper.
Another moan leaves him when he feels Namjoon’s long fingers move in closer to where he’s buried inside. The pad of Namjoon’s index finger moves to feel where Jungkook is pressed inside himself. Soft, exploring touches that make Jungkook’s spine tingle. As Namjoon’s fingers keep playing at his rim, Jungkook’s hips twitch and push back.
“Y-you too,” he pants out.
Namjoon nods in immediate understanding, picking up the lube again to coat his own fingers. Syrupy anticipation fills Jungkook’s body when Namjoon’s hand goes back to where it was, one slick finger starting to press gently. Jungkook’s entrance relaxes in sweet surrender and he moans loudly when Namjoon’s finger presses in next to his. A perfect pressure that makes his abs tense.
“Oh…yes,” he breathes out.
Namjoon waits a moment before pumping his finger slowly, making Jungkook’s do the same. Their fingers glide against Jungkook’s walls, sending sparks to his cock as his erection fills out. Namjoon continues the motion, Jungkook’s hips jerking back again.
Jungkook groans and clenches down, pulling out to steady himself. Namjoon remains snug inside, another finger starting to tease at Jungkook’s rim. Jungkook swallows and nods quickly, eyes closing in bliss when another finger teases and then buries inside him.
“Feels so good ,” he sighs.
His hips start to move and he stops trying to fight it, begining to fuck himself back on Namjoon’s fingers slowly. Namjoon works to stretch and scissor him open perfectly, Jungkook’s brows knitting at the drawn out pleasure.
“Fuck, you look incredible,” Namjoon praises as he widens his fingers more.
Jungkook’s movements stutter and he soaks in the compliment. Heat starts to spread all the way down to his toes and his nerves pulse with desire.
“P-please. Need more. Need all of you,” he stutters needily.
Namjoon groans, leaning up as far as he can.
“Need you too. Can I…” he trails off, nodding down at the bed.
“Yes, yes, yes,” Jungkook agrees quickly.
Namjoon carefully pulls his fingers out and then holds Jungkook close as he switches their positions. He moves them so their bodies are fully on the bed, facing down towards the foot of it. Jungkook’s back nestles into the plushness as he giggles at the way Namjoon practically rips his own robe off his arms. His thighs widen immediately in invitation, Namjoon settling between them as Jungkook’s arms wrap around his neck and pull him into a deep kiss.
He gasps into Namjoon’s mouth when their erections rub against each other, the friction making him throb. Namjoon starts to move his hips, creating a glide that sends sparks all throughout Jungkook’s body. Jungkook moans and opens his thighs wider, body burning bright with how much he wants to be connected to Namjoon. With how much he wants Namjoon to feel that secret warmth within his body again.
He shivers when Namjoon’s cock starts to glide lower, teasing and searching for where they both want him. His hands fly to hold tightly onto Namjoon’s shoulders when his cock catches on his rim. He swallows, ready to ignite from the anticipation of welcoming Namjoon into his body.
“Inside,” he whimpers, pelvis tilting up like he can make Namjoon bury in by himself.
Namjoon kisses the corner of his mouth, their blown out eyes connecting.
“Wet enough?” Namjoon checks, half playful half serious.
Jungkook lets out an overwhelmed laugh, pulling Namjoon into another kiss.
“Ready. Want it. Please, baby,” he murmurs, placing a kiss over Namjoon’s dimple.
He hears Namjoon swallow.
“Fuck. Me too.”
One more kiss to Jungkook’s cheek and Namjoon lines himself up, very slowly starting to add pressure. Jungkook relaxes his muscles and slows his breathing down as he feels that sugary seeking at his entrance. His mouth falls open when he feels himself opening as Namjoon’s tip sinks inside.
“Oh…yes,” he moans, still trying to keep his breathing light and slow.
“There we go,” Namjoon murmurs to him, making his cheeks burn.
Namjoon continues to push in, more of his cock swallowed up by Jungkook’s warm heat.
“You already feel so good,” Namjoon says as another inch buries inside.
Jungkook’s chest starts to rise and fall more, the pleasure of stretching and inviting Namjoon in starting to pour all throughout his veins.
“So do you,” he sighs out.
Namjoon gives him a moment to adjust before he pushes the rest of his cock inside. Jungkook moans at completely sheathing Namjoon, biting into his lower lip and then nodding. Namjoon pulls his hips back to steadily press back in, cock massaging Jungkook’s walls. Pleasure runs down Jungkook’s spine, pooling in his core and he holds Namjoon tighter. Namjoon continues the movements, slow and sensual.
“Fuck, baby,” he grits out when Jungkook clenches tight on the next glide.
He rolls his hips and sinks in faster, making another round of heat burn into Jungkook’s core.
“Y-yes. Keep doing that,” Jungkook moans out.
Namjoon does, grinding in with thrusts that make Jungkook melt under him. Body starting to pulse everywhere at the pleasure it’s receiving. His hands fall to frame his face and Namjoon quickly tangles their fingers together as he picks up the pace even more, creating a rhythm that strums Jungkook’s body so perfectly.
“So good . Always fuck…fuck me so good,” Jungkook groans as he melds around Namjoon.
The words make Namjoon slam in hard with the next thrust, Jungkook’s back arching. He feels his muscles start to ripple as Namjoon keeps going, mind starting to fall fully over the edge into a blissed out state.
“I’m never going to get over seeing you like this,” Namjoon huffs out.
“G-good,” Jungkook sighs dreamily.
He manages to focus his eyes, staring up into Namjoon’s.
“Only you. This is only for you.”
He hopes Namjoon understands. That these moments are just for Namjoon. Having his body like this is just for Namjoon. Not in a controlling or one-sided way but in the two halves of a whole way. A thought out and loving decision.
The way Namjoon’s eyes shine with emotion, he knows that Namjoon does. He kisses across Jungkook’s hairline and squeezes their intertwined hands.
“I’m yours,” he whispers into Jungkook’s ear.
Jungkook’s breath hitches and now his heart is melting along with his body. His legs wrap and tighten around Namjoon, helping him to drive in deep. Namjoon groans and fucks in deep and fast, Jungkook’s plush insides taking him over and over. Jungkook’s moans are high in his throat and his nails are starting to dig into Namjoon’s hands. Too good. This all feels too good to be true. But it is and Namjoon’s body reminds him of that.
“Love it. P-please. Just…I…” he stammers out wetly, another wave of feelings crashing through him.
He’s been getting emotional during sex lately. They’re not bad emotions, just strong ones swimming and pouring through him when his body connects with Namjoon’s. The huge life steps they’ve been taking together coalescing with what he already feels during sex and creating waterfalls of feelings. Beautiful and clear as they greet his skin.
He had explained it all to Namjoon carefully after the first time it happened. Knew it was important for both of them to have Jungkook voice his feelings. For nothing to be misconstrued between them. So Namjoon understands like he does now.
“I’m right here. Feel what you need to feel,” Namjoon soothes into his skin.
Jungkook whimpers softly, hiding in the crook of Namjoon’s neck for a moment. Not to run away but because he knows it’s a safe place. His lips search to find Namjoon’s pulse, placing a soft kiss on the spot once he finds it. His eyes feel glassy and he blinks and manages to make himself take a deep breath.
“Right here,” Namjoon murmurs again, pressing his cheek to Jungkook’s.
Jungkook closes his eyes and lets Namjoon’s warmth surround and hold him. The reassurance of his words and movements feels so good. So right. Has Jungkook’s emotions tangling prettily, emerald vines thriving with the support of the solid foundation they climb.
When he opens his eyes again, he pulls away from his hiding spot to gaze up at Namjoon. His heart pumps syrup sweet when he sees the way Namjoon looks at him. How expressive his eyes are. Jungkook smiles softly and reaches up to massage small circles into the top of Namjoon’s spine.
“I love you,” Namjoon says softly into the small space between them.
Jungkook’s heart bursts happily, Namjoon leaning deeper into his touch.
“I love you,” he echoes, floating in Namjoon’s blown out eyes.
He continues to burn brightly with their shared words as he pulls Namjoon down into a deep kiss. Even though it’s soft, the wet heat of their tongues seems to quickly remind them of the current position they’re in.
The sudden need to have their bodies experience the highest pleasure together crashes through Jungkook. He feels so intrinsically joined with this person that has seen him in all his states. Their current state one that has them so close to that point that it feels like his pleasure is Namjoon’s and Namjoon’s is his. He takes a deep breath and nods. Ready.
“You can keep going,” he says, eyes blinking innocently up at Namjoon.
Namjoon blinks back at him in surprise for a moment, making Jungkook giggle. But then a smile reaches Namjoon’s lips and he leans down to suck and graze his teeth over Jungkook’s neck. Jungkook gasps and twitches, Namjoon groaning at feeling him. He pulls almost all the way out to slam back in, Jungkook groaning as his hands fly to Namjoon’s back. They fall back to where they were quickly, skin meeting skin as they dissolve in each other.
“So warm everywhere,” Namjoon pants, licking into Jungkook’s mouth.
Jungkook whines and bites sugar slow into Namjoon’s lower lip. Namjoon sinks back into him hard, cock hitting at an exact angle that lands him on Jungkook’s sensitive bundle of hidden nerves. Jungkook chokes out a sob, nails digging into Namjoon’s back.
“Fuck! R-right there, baby,” he cries out.
Namjoon grinds into him, cock pressing and throbbing all over his spot. Jungkook’s wet lips fall open in dazed bliss, every one of his nerves on absolute fire. The thought of Namjoon’s precum coating his walls makes him clench and flutter, both of them moaning loudly at the sensations.
Namjoon continues slamming in, the constant pressure on Jungkook’s prostate making his eyes roll back. He knows he’s gone, knows that he’s one step away from the delicious edge. Has no control over what sounds he’s making. Just knows they’re loud, pleasured ones.
“Let go for me, baby. Need to see you let go,” Namjoon breathes out.
One last powerful thrust and Jungkook’s body does what Namjoon asked of it. Every single one of his muscles tightens and he clenches and spasms around Namjoon as his orgasm starts to overtake him. His back arches as the pleasure blurs his vision, his hips twitching intensely as he begins to spill between their stomachs. He knows his nails are digging too harshly into Namjoon’s skin but he can’t stop. Falling apart like this just feels too good. Having Namjoon want to see him like this feels too good.
“Beautiful,” Namjoon hums, as if reading his mind.
The single word of praise makes Jungkook’s walls spasm again and another spurt of pearly white leave him. He hears Namjoon groan and realizes how tight he must be clamping down from his orgasm. He swallows, eyes still glazed and body still wanting.
“I’m c-close, baby,” Namjoon groans.
“Please. I want it,” Jungkook begs, nodding feverishly.
Namjoon groans again and Jungkook feels his hips stutter and his cock throb. Jungkook clenches his muscles and manages to open his eyes and stare up at Namjoon, nodding again encouragingly. His soul preens when Namjoon moans his name as he starts to flood his insides, pulsing and warm. He watches the way Namjoon’s arms flex and his chest flushes deep as pleasure runs through him. The way his lashes flutter and his kiss bitten lips open. Feels how his hips still give small thrusts as his cock continues to spill. He stares with wide eyes. Loves seeing Namjoon at his rawest.
His own body gives another shuddery aftershock at all the stimulation. He whimpers, Namjoon moving to place a soft kiss on his forehead and then his lips as they both slowly start to come down. They’re both still panting as he pulls his nails from Namjoon’s back, massaging the pads of his fingers over the small indentations.
“Okay?” Namjoon checks gently.
“Yeah. You?” Jungkook breathes out, kissing Namjoon’s cheek.
Namjoon nods and smiles, gazing into Jungkook’s eyes. Even after what they just did, the look makes Jungkook blush. He knows Namjoon notices when he laughs softly.
“Pretty,” Namjoon murmurs, pressing another kiss to Jungkook’s still overheated skin.
Jungkook closes his eyes for a moment and lets all the sweet emotions run over him again. He takes a deep breath before opening them, heart still racing from the intensity of their sex. Namjoon kisses the corner of one lid then the other.
“Prettiest eyes,” he says quietly.
Jungkook smiles, each word floating straight to his heart. He glides his hands up and down Namjoon’s back, tracing the muscles. He loves touching Namjoon like this, soft and gentle. Hopes Namjoon can feel his love through his fingertips. Namjoon closes his eyes for a moment as Jungkook continues the motions, a soft smile on his lips.
The room is quiet, just their gentle breathing and the occasional crackle of the candles wisping through the room. Namjoon opens his eyes and leans down to pepper kisses over Jungkook’s collarbone as he gently starts to pull out. Jungkook’s lashes flutter at the distracting feather-light touches.
His legs fall away from Namjoon’s waist as Namjoon gingerly pulls the rest of the way out and sits up. He shivers when he feels a trickle of Namjoon’s release drip out. Reaching down between his thighs, he circles his entrance and taps lightly to feel the stickiness of the cum and lube. He shivers again, still sensitive. Glancing up, he sees Namjoon watching and blushes.
“You like feeling it?” Namjoon asks softly with a smile.
Jungkook nods, watching Namjoon watch him.
“I like knowing how good we felt together,” he murmurs.
Namjoon’s eyes flash with arousal and then soften into affection.
“Always so good,” Namjoon hums in affirmation, reaching over to run his palm up Jungkook’s thigh.
Jungkook knows Namjoon must feel the goosebumps that rise over his skin. They gaze at each other before Namjoon nods towards the bathroom.
“Be right back, okay?”
“Okay,” Jungkook says happily, staring up at the ceiling while Namjoon climbs off the bed.
He listens to the calming crackle of the candles while he waits. It’s only a few moments before the bed dips as Namjoon climbs back in. Jungkook turns and sees the wet washcloth in his hand. His legs fall open a little wider and Namjoon starts to gingerly clean him up, the warmth of the cloth soothing on his skin. He smiles at the caring touches as Namjoon moves to his stomach and fingers, sighing contentedly once Namjoon is done.
He sits up to move to the head of the bed while Namjoon takes the cloth back to the bathroom. Admiring the pretty color of the new bedding for a moment, he smooths his hand over the softness. He hums contentedly as his naked body slides under the covers.
Namjoon walks back into the bedroom, smiling when he sees Jungkook’s new, tucked in position. He starts to walk around the room, gently blowing out candles. Jungkook gazes at and admires the way the shadows of the flames flicker and lick across Namjoon’s nude body, much too pretty to look away from. When the only candle that’s left is the one glowing on Jungkook’s bedside table, he reaches for Namjoon’s wrist.
“Can we leave one for now?”
Namjoon stops and then nods.
“Of course,” he smiles, letting Jungkook pull him closer to the bed.
He climbs in, settling under the covers with Jungkook. Their bodies find each other easily, soft skin on soft skin. Their faces tilt to look at each other, the single candle painting them in the quietest of lights. Namjoon smiles and Jungkook can’t help but lean in to kiss his dimple.
“Pretty,” he whispers.
Namjoon’s smile deepens shyly for a moment and he wraps an arm around Jungkook’s waist. They press into each more, Jungkook’s heart glowing along with the candle next to them.
Jungkook wakes slowly, eyes blinking sleepily and mind still groggy. He’s not sure what woke him and he’s ready to fall back asleep when he reaches over absentmindedly. Even in his sleepy state, he expects his hand to meet a warm body. But as he reaches further, he only feels empty sheets.
His mind immediately wakes more, a quiet alarm bell starting to ring in the distance. A small panic starting to build. A small fear in the back of his mind turning on.
A fear that he doesn’t know what’s real. Not just about tonight but about any of the past year. That maybe all the progress he’s made with himself and with Namjoon is nonexistent. He woke up alone because he went to bed alone. A flame extinguished before it could light the candles it was meant to.
A quiet sound of distress leaves his lips and he sits up quickly, heart starting to beat rapidly. His eyes try to adjust to the dark room but they seem unable to as he pats at the emptiness next to him.
“I’m right here, baby,” a gentle voice says, breaking into his spiraling thoughts.
The deep comfort of the voice seeps into Jungkook’s mind and he relaxes immediately. He looks up, eyes finally focusing. Namjoon is sitting in the new armchair they’d bought for the bedroom, curtains parted so silvery light from the moon shines on him. Jungkook’s heart steadies at the pretty sight. He can’t stop his sigh of relief and starts to push the covers aside, pausing for another gentle glance at Namjoon.
“Can I join you?” he checks softly.
“Please,” Namjoon nods, voice welcoming him quietly.
Jungkook smiles and climbs out of bed, spotting his robe. He slips into it and pads quietly over to Namjoon. Namjoon looks up at him, eyes glistening with the moonlight. Jungkook searches his handsome face, reaching out to cup his jaw. Namjoon leans into the touch for a moment, a soft smile playing across his lips. He reaches up to twine their fingers together, pulling gently.
Jungkook’s body goes easily, sliding into Namjoon’s lap. He settles in, body happy to be touching Namjoon’s again. He rests his head on Namjoon’s shoulder as an arm wraps around his waist. He looks out at the moon, high in the sky and a welcome visitor to this otherwise private moment. He’s learned to find comfort in the quietness of the dark. Learned that the light needs the dark, a pair that work together to create life and all its lessons.
He smiles at the thought and tilts his head to look at Namjoon. Namjoon is already looking back and their eyes meet and focus. Jungkook gently slips his hand into the opening of Namjoon’s robe, palm landing on warm skin and finding his heart.
“Okay?” he asks quietly.
Namjoon nods firmly and holds Jungkook tighter.
“You?”
Jungkook nods, his hand rising and falling with Namjoon’s chest. Namjoon leans to press a kiss into his hair.
“I’m sorry I startled you,” he whispers.
Jungkook shakes his head.
“It’s okay. I…” he trails off, trying to think of the right words.
“I’m just really happy this is my reality,” he finishes.
Namjoon holds him tighter at the words and Jungkook swears he feels his heart rate pick up under his palm. Namjoon kisses a trail from Jungkook’s cheek down to his mouth, both smiling as their lips meet. Sweet, soft kisses that Jungkook thinks feel right at home blanketed in the night and witnessed by the moon.
He knows that their relationship won’t make sense to some people. That the events that led up to where they are now would be too much for some. But he also knows he doesn’t need anybody except the two people in this room to fully understand. Knows that the two of them have worked hard apart and together to build what they share now. A cracked, starting foundation that they were able to fill with color, warmth and love. Blooming flowers now grow in the fissures, nursed back by the two of them from bruised greys and blacks to vibrant, lovely hues.
“I’m so in love with you,” Namjoon murmurs into his skin.
Happiness flows through Jungkook’s being, coloring their flowers a beautiful red. No longer bloody with pain but with life. The moon continues to shine on them like it has a direct source to Jungkook’s heart as he kisses Namjoon and Namjoon kisses him. And it’s all just so wondrously right.
Notes:
Okay, now we’ve really reached the end. At least for now. I don’t want to say I’ll never write more for these two ever again. This fic has been literal years in the making which is crazy but here we are. I’ve seen my writing change and progress through these two and I’m just so happy to have this story complete.
I was on the fence about having an epilogue but I really wanted us to be able to see them in a healed and happy place where Namjoon isn’t tied to another life. I hope you liked this domestic, sexy slice of their life. To be honest, I also just really wanted to write one more sex scene for them. One where they were truly each other’s.
I know I’ve said it so many times but thank you so much for reading. Please leave your thoughts about this chapter and/or the overall story in the comments. Reading them truly makes my day!
And stick around for updates on my ongoing fics as well as new ones I have in the works!
I'm on twitter now too!
I post updates, sneak peeks and other mush I have ruminating around in my mind. I also have some writing on there that isn't posted here.
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