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"Distant noises,
Other voices,
Pounding in my broken head.
Commit the sin.
Commit yourself.
And all the other voices said,
Change your mind.
You're always wrong,
Always wrong..."
-- "Other Voices" by the Cure
----------------------------------------------------------
The sound of a key turning and turning in the lock on his front door confused Daniel Pendrell. He hadn't been expecting anyone, and the only person who had a key never showed up any earlier than Friday night. Or showed this much trouble unlocking the door.
Danny pulled the door open. "Oh, God, Michael, what happened to you?" He grabbed his shaking lover and pulled him inside.
From the wetness and flush on his face, Michael had obviously been crying. It took a hell of a lot to make Michael cry. "Danny, could I stay here for the night?" he asked softly. "I know it's Wednesday, but--"
Danny pulled him in close. "Of course you can. Stay forever, if you want."
As he hugged Michael tightly, Danny felt a warm glow. After a disastrous night a little over a month ago, their relationship had still been loving, but showed signs of strain. Tonight, an upset Michael had obviously run directly here for comforting and support. It suggested a return of some of the trust Danny had so stupidly destroyed.
Michael had obviously run directly over.
Michael wore a dark blue trench coat, rumpled suit, undone tie, and dress shoes. He smelled of sex and an unfamiliar cologne. Then Danny realized that he recognized the scent after all.
He had known for months, but hadn't let himself believe it. He would never have been able to deal with Mulder in a professional manner at all otherwise. Mulder had kept his distance too, probably for similar reasons. Danny never took it up with Michael because his lover seemed so desperate to protect Mulder's identity. He found it touching and completely characteristic. Michael had always been freshly showered and done up as himself every time he came over. Tonight, something, or someone, had upset him so deeply that he'd neglected all his precautions.
//I won't say anything unless he does, but I want to kill whoever did this to him.//
******************************************************
Fox meekly let Danny lead him to the kitchen and sit him at the table. He rested his face in his hands. /Why did Alex say such horrible things to us? I'm not a whore; I was just returning a favor. Someone does something nice for you, you do something nice in return..../
[Krycek thinks he owns Mulder,] William said.
//He does not!// Mulder protested.
[Doesn't own you, or doesn't think he owns you?]
//Shut up! It's okay, Fox.//
/Oh, God, does Senator Matheson think I'm a whore? Does he think I have sex with him just to pay for the information and support he gives us?/
[No doubt.]
/Oh, God..../
Mr. Whiskers leapt into his lap to comfort him and be petted. After some obvious confusion on her part about his identity--she had always preferred Fox to Mulder, but he smelled mostly like Mulder now--she purred and rubbed herself against his arm, leaving orange and white hairs on his blue coat. Fox found comfort in the steady vibration of her happiness and the beauty the combination of colors provided....
[Stop phasing out! You're going to face this, Fox.]
/But I don't want to! This is too much for me!/
//This is my fault, Fox.//
/What? How can you figure that?/
//I-- should have figured out what was going on with Matheson, should have stopped it, but you seemed okay.... I always blanked out and didn't want to think about it.... I all but pimped you off to him!//
[Congratulations, boys, you both fucked up. Give yourselves a hand. Mulder, you've been looking the other way, even knowing Fox's problems, as long as Matheson helped your holy quest for the Truth. Fox, you've been playing bottom boy to the senator, trying to help Mulder and looking for affection from Daddy, for so many years that you saw nothing wrong with continuing even after you found yourself a steady. In fact, you still stink of Matheson. Good going, kids.]
Fox couldn't help the sob that ripped from his throat. He had been doing so well, Mulder had been saying so constantly. Under Alex's sporadic attention and Danny's intensive care, Fox knew he had been changing. He'd thought he had at least a few of his problems whipped. He usually understood people so well that falling headfirst into a giant blind spot hurt even more. How could he have been so fucking stupid?
//We see what we want to see. We can't clearly see the people we deal with directly, because we're fogged by our own perception of them. It happens, Fox. I do it all the fucking time. It's not your fault.//
Danny put a heaping bowl of ice cream and a spoon in front of Fox before pulling him into another hug. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Fox shook his head. He picked up the spoon with a trembling hand and shoveled some ice cream into his mouth, desperate to banish the taste of Matheson. Sweet, creamy vanilla, bittersweet chocolate chips, and chewy, sugary, butterscotch-flavored chunks melted on his tongue. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Danny had immediately brought out the big gun flavor for him, which told Fox that he must look like shit.
He couldn't tell Danny about this, not about Matheson or Krycek. Now that he'd gotten out the almost mindless trance he went into over his... relationship with Matheson, Fox knew that he couldn't tell Danny about it without hurting him. He didn't want to ever hurt Danny.
Fox put on a tremulous smile. "No, it's okay. I just can't stay in my apartment. Not tonight, maybe not even tomorrow night. You don't mind me staying here?"
The look Danny gave him wrapped warmly around his shaken self like a favorite quilt. "I want you here. I love you, Michael."
Fox's smile widened. "I love you too, Danny."
Danny started to spoon feed him. The care and ice cream settled Fox a bit, brought out his usual optimism. It wouldn't be so bad. Danny loved him, and he would change things with Matheson as soon as possible now that he knew. He didn't have to be anyone's playtoy anymore. Dad was dead.
"Michael... what are you going to do about your suits? I mean, you'll have to go back to your apartment, right?"
/Oh, shit. Oh, shit!/
//You're still wearing my suit.//
[The light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Haven't you figured that out yet?]
/He knows! I can see it in his eyes! I'm so sorry, Mulder! I fucked everything up, everything I touch..../
//It's okay. I think he already knew and didn't say anything out of deference to your feelings. He's a good man, Fox.//
/Yes, I think he is, but you're just saying that to make me feel better. I think you still want to string him up for what he did to us that night./
//What do you want me to say?//
/What you really think, always./
//That's... not always easy.//
[He doesn't want to hurt you, kid, so he coddles you instead.]
/I'm so tired of lying to, and keeping things from, Danny. He deserves better..../
[ //No, he doesn't.// ]
/When you two agree, you scare the hell out of me./
//Do what you think is right, Fox.//
[Are you kidding? He's just a boy; he has no sense of judgment or restraint.]
"Michael?"
"I have some friends I keep some spare work clothing with. I'll be fine." Mulder's connection with the Lone Gunmen would save their bacon once again.
[Unless Krycek already thought of them.]
As Fox whimpered internally, Mulder said, //He'll be too busy staking out our apartment. Shut up.//
******************************************************
Danny watched Michael fight with himself. Only someone who knew him well would see that from the way the eyes flickered. It always scared Danny when the older man forgot to put up the façade of normality. Aside from being genuinely unsettling, it also suggested a mental turmoil beyond the usual.
The obvious internal fighting wasn't the only thing that scared Danny. Watching Michael being Michael in Mulder's clothing and cologne made him crazy with cognitive dissonance and confused lust. His sight and sense of smell kept saying, Mulder/not Mulder. The expensive cologne and more herbal scent provided a light cover over Michael's sweeter, spicier essence. The musk of sex also clung to the skin, but even that didn't smell quite the same. Danny buried his nose in the back of Michael's neck and couldn't help inhaling deeply, shivering himself as he felt the older man respond to the intimacy and the feel of small, fine hairs being disturbed by warm breath.
//Now I'm making myself crazier imagining how he feels about what I'm doing to him. Dumb, Danny.//
Danny had enough trouble stopping himself from being attracted to Mulder alone, without bringing this confusion into it. The part of him that wanted to kill the other agent had no connection to the part that wanted to bend the other man over a lab table.
//God, how will I face Mulder at work next time?// It had been hard enough telling his groin to behave when he could still tell himself that they weren't the same person, but now that he knew and would associate Mulder's scent with tonight, with this warm weight in his arms.... //This is hell.//
He just had to be strong. Danny had survived facing Dana Scully, so he could deal with this. //The two agents I want to see both most and least, and they're partners who usually walk in together. Lovely.//
Michael quivered in Danny's embrace, but the ice cream had calmed him a bit, like it usually did. Knowing this had helped in the past too. The older man acted like a big kid sometimes, which Danny found simultaneously endearing and disturbing. Michael dove into the carton for more.
//What could be bad enough to need a whole half-gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream? I want to know so badly, but I won't pry. If he tells me, good, but if not.... God, don't I feel virtuous.//
When Michael kissed him, Danny luxuriated in the cool lips against his own and the flavors of chocolate, butterscotch, and sweet cream. He lost his mind and sense in the scent and feel of Michael/Mulder....
Gasping, Michael pulled away. "I'm-- I'm sorry, I should shower first. This has to be confusing the hell out of you."
"It's okay." //Oh, no it's not.//
"Let me--" Michael looked away. "Let me wash Mulder off first," he said quietly.
//Oh, my God, he's doing it!// "Michael--"
Michael put a finger to Danny's lips. "You knew, but didn't let yourself admit it. I knew you knew--I know you're too smart to be fooled--but I let myself ignore that, hoping it would go away if I didn't let myself look at it. I want it out in the open. I only wanted to protect Mulder--"
Danny held him tighter. "I understand. Believe me, I do. I would never say a word about this. I don't think other people would be as understanding."
"That's an understatement. Danny, I wanted you to know that I've been calling Mulder 'Marty' to you for the last few months."
Danny had never met 'Marty,' only knew him from Michael's descriptions, but knowing that Mulder was Marty put the agent in a different, kinder light. Michael saw 'Marty' as a thoughtful, self-sacrificing, protective older brother.
"And, Danny, my name isn't... isn't Michael. I'd like it to be, but I've actually been 'Fox' for my whole life. I didn't tell you for obvious reasons."
//One thing about Michael, he never does anything halfway. "Fox"....//
"What do you want to say, Danny?"
"What?"
"I can tell you want to say something. Please tell me." Michael sounded so dispirited.
"It's just... that I like 'Fox.' I think it suits you." //He probably named you. I can see where you might want to reclaim your soul by naming yourself....// "But I can see how it might not have pleasant memories for you."
******************************************************
/He likes my real name better.... My God, he's being good about this./
[Maybe too good.]
/Leave me alone..../
"Danny," Fox swallowed, "would you say my name? Say 'Fox' again?"
Danny said "Fox" into his skin, and it didn't feel like the restraining or slapping hand Dad had made the name into. Danny's "Fox" felt like the supportive arm of a friend draped over his shoulders, warm and inviting.
Fox shivered. "Say it again?" The next one sounded lower and deeper, and this one felt like a lover's touch, hot and familiar, caressing his back. /Ohhhh..../ He couldn't distrust a person who said his name like that. "You don't make it sound like he did." Fox couldn't believe how low and rough his own voice sounded. "You could use it as a nickname, if you like it."
Danny smiled widely, and Fox couldn't help being struck by the beauty of it. He loved bringing the younger man out. He had always had a thing for shy people, for those moments when love made all the reserve crumble and the person flare to life, changing from not-here-don't-look-at-me to a pure, open radiation of self. Fox could never help wanting to bring those walls down and let the world see what he saw.
"You're beautiful, do you know that?" Fox whispered.
That led to kissing and the both of them gently, but insistently stripping one another. Sheer joy hazed Fox's mind. He'd told Danny the truth about who he was, and Danny still wanted him and didn't hate him for the lies.
Mr. Whiskers' annoyed attempts to get off his lap and out of the middle of their clinch helped Fox regain control of himself just after Danny had finished unbuttoning his shirt. When he pushed Danny away a little, Wik quickly got herself clear and gave them the most disgusted look she could manage before she stalked off.
"I'm sorry, Wik," Danny said as Fox giggled.
"It's better this way," Fox said. "I don't want to do this dressed like this. Take a shower with me?"
"My pleasure."
Once they reached the bathroom, they went back to stripping one another, with even Danny flinging clothing to the floor. Fox heard Mulder trying to protest, but he shushed him as being the last person who had a right to complain about suit abuse. They somehow managed to maneuver themselves into the tub without letting go of one another. Danny turned on the water, first shocking them with cold before he regained the presence of mind to adjust the temperature to pleasantly hot. The abrupt temperature changes further sensitized already tingling skin. Fox was sure they'd kill themselves on the wet tile, but with the younger man's insistent lips and cock pressing into his body, it didn't seem to matter.
Danny's ardor amazed Fox; he must have found something intensely kinky in his lover wearing another man's clothing and scent, or maybe just in the fact that it was Wednesday instead of the usual weekend. He had been aroused into a force of nature, and Fox couldn't be happier. His touch, his taste, the scent of his soap erased the hours before. Danny's hands, slick with soap, slid over every square inch of skin, as if trying to sculpt Fox into a new shape.
"Claim me, make me yours," Fox whispered against Danny's lips in a brief moment between kisses.
"Anything you want."
As they stroked and ground against one another, aroused past finesse, Fox gloried in being able to feel Danny all over his body. The past disappeared, leaving only an intense, pleasurable Now, and he felt a brief pang at how much easier things had been when he could live in the moment all the time, without thought or conscience or regret. Then, thought fled entirely as he let himself drown in sensation. Danny came first, gasping "Fox!" The sound of his actual name on Danny's lips--said with such clean, bright passion--brought Fox over right after him.
Panting, they leaned back against the wall under the spray for a few minutes before Danny opened his eyes and said, "We're turning into prunes here."
Fox just murmured, spent. He heard Danny chuckle, and then felt himself being gently led out and wrapped in a towel. Eventually, he was lying down surrounded by fresh sheets and two warm bodies, one Danny and the other, a purring cat. He fell asleep comforted by the slow pounding of Danny's heart at his back.
******************************************************
Danny stayed awake for hours wondering over impossible things like whether each personality had a soul and how Mulder could so recklessly risk all of their lives. As his fingers traced numerous scars, he felt the urge to lock them away somewhere safe.
//This complicates everything. How will I face Mulder next time?// Danny remembered with some shame the way he had behaved in the kitchen, aroused both by Michael himself, and by Mulder's accoutrements on him. //There's nothing quite like being in a hell of your own making.//
It felt so good having him here. It was so hard just seeing Michael on the weekends, not just from missing the older man, but also from the odd feeling of living two lives himself. Danny had a weekday life of work as a meek Labmouse, and wild weekends with his lover. The two had almost no connections.
When he stroked the bullet scar on Michael's shoulder, Michael stirred and moaned, but not in an aroused way. "What's wrong, Fox?" Danny asked in concern, even as he enjoyed the sound of the nickname in his mouth. //It's so damned perfect....//
"It's stupid." Michael laughed softly and winced. "My stomach hurts from all the ice cream I had. I have an ice cream hangover."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No, it's okay. I'll be fine." Michael turned and burrowed into him. "And I love the way you say that name."
Danny felt a strong urge to protect the older man. It had hurt him to see Michael so upset earlier. //Stay forever if you want to. Even though I think it would make you feel better if you did, you don't have to tell me what's wrong, or anything you don't want to. It doesn't matter. I love you, and I'll always be here for you.// He drifted into sleep with Michael wrapped around him.
When Danny woke up the next morning, Michael had already let himself out, leaving only a swiftly fleeting warmth and the whisper of his scent on the pillow. Sighing, Danny removed a purring, but heavy, Wik from his chest and got out of bed.
******************************************************
Danny had just bought his lunch when Mulder caught up to him. He managed to throttle down the flash of lust that had thrummed through him as he saw the other agent walking toward him. "What can I do for you, Mulder?"
"Could we go somewhere a little more private? I have to talk to you."
Now that Danny knew for sure and could admit it, he couldn't help making comparisons. Mulder had the same, low, raw silk and sandpaper voice, with the same effect on Danny's groin, but deeper, and without the slight New England accent. Michael showed more facial expressions and moved more energetically and gracefully.
//Oh, shoot me. I'm scoping out another man. Sure, it's the same body, but it's still not right, and it's disloyal to Michael....//
"Pendrell?"
//Have to stop woolgathering. At least he's wearing a different cologne from last night.// "Sure, that's no problem."
Once they reached a more deserted part of the street, and Mulder seemed to feel satisfied that no one could eavesdrop, he said, "I appreciate your kindness to Fox last night and you offering us a place to stay." At least he looked as uncomfortable as Danny felt.
"But?"
"I don't forgive as easily as he does. You still have to earn my trust again. If you ever talk to him or hit him like you did that night, I'll make it so you'll never hurt anyone again. Am I making myself clear?"
//Oh, God, I see....// "A little while back, I realized that I didn't just attack him that night, I hurt all of you, didn't I? Just like he did."
Although it hurt to realize that he hadn't gained back all their trust, just Michael's, he knew he deserved this. //In one night I struck at all of them, and they're not too stable to begin with. Please, God, I don't want to screw them up worse. I want to be good for Michael and the rest of them. He deserves that.//
Mulder looked away, and his monotone turned even flatter. "I said my piece. I just hope that none of this gets in the way of our working relationship. You're the best at what you do, and I'd hate to lose your talents."
Danny fought down the urge to reach out and pull Mulder into a hug. He couldn't even tell himself whether he felt that impulse from confusing Mulder with Michael or from something he felt from Mulder. //This is what Michael was trying to save me from by keeping the truth from me. I see it all now. Sure, Mulder, I can do that easily. I can separate my personal life from work, and you from Michael, with no problems. Sure. It's almost enough to make me wish I could be at least two different people.//
Aloud, Danny said, "Truthfully, I would think less of you if you weren't so protective of him. I can separate my job from the things that happen outside of it. At work, last night never happened."
"That's good. Thanks." Mulder actually sounded grateful.
//What must it be like to have to keep such a terrible secret, one that would make you lose everything if it got out?// "See you tonight? Well, one of you."
Mulder sighed. "Fox is looking forward to it."