When the Sun Rises

by fullmoonyy

Summary:

Remus breaks off his relationship with the Marauders after the Prank takes place, looking to spend some time alone and figure out if he wants to continue to have the same relationship he had with them before the accident. In the meantime, he meets a group of Slytherins with whom surprisingly he strikes up a new friendship.

All the characters, unfortunately, belong to J. K. Rowling, but I couldn't care less as I do not share or belief all the misinformation and bullshit she's spreading. Sending lots of love to all the trans community right now.

Chapter 1: Bad Night

*Sirius Black*

The number one rule to be a good friend is to know how to keep a secret to yourself and don’t spread it even out of spite. Following this rule seemed like an easy task and perhaps the fact that I broke it can be attributed to my inability to contain my irrational anger. And as much as I would like to hold my parents accountable, I'm all to blame this time.

Only two weeks have gone by since my most idiotic and outright irresponsible prank, and to be honest, if this wasn’t affecting one of my best mates, I probably wouldn't have cared what happened to Snivellus…which was something to figure out at another time.

Remus was never around and barely talked to anyone which even hurt more than a cruciatus curse. I understood that the way he felt about me right now wasn’t the best. I was an insensitive git who acted like an immature thirteen year bloke full on testosterone.

Every time I think about that night I start feeling an overwhelming pressure making it hard for me to breathe. I usually dreamt about it and woke up sweating heavily; before, when these things happened, I usually went to sleep with James but now didn't seem the right time. They all had the right to be upset with me. Our relationship was strong but I couldn't stop wondering if that was enough.

My mind took me back for a moment to that bloody night.

 

I had really screwed up this time in the most egregious and horrendous way possible. James was next to me, yelling his head off but I couldn't hear him, my mind was too far away thinking of another friend of mine. Trying to figure out what the hell had been going through my head when I had planned this.

I hadn't cared about the fact I could get expelled or Snape getting hurt or that my friends would get in trouble or…or Lupin. I was pretty sure he would never speak to me again, I'd been self-centered and hadn't got a second thought before doing it, before telling bloody Snape the secret my best mate was trying to keep away from everybody.

James and Peter knew about the plan all along and although they had agreed to help me at first, they had questioned if it was a good idea and I just said yes, I thought it was brilliant, blinded by hatred and anger.

“Night, boys” the voice of our professor echoed in my head. “Would you like to follow me to my office?”

James glanced at me one last time before turning around to follow Professor McGonagall, followed by Peter and then myself. The three of us with our eyes glued to the lines on the floor.

We were in big trouble; not only were we out of our rooms after curfew but we had almost killed a bloody student. If James hadn't been quick enough, Severus would be more than dead, and Remus would have blamed it all on himself and suffered a great deal. Because of me.

The pain in my chest was growing at an abnormal rate, the adrenaline already out of my bloodstream. Would James welcome me into the Potters’ house again after this? I was certain that I wasn't going back to my biological parents, not like they were letting me back into the Ancient and Noble house of Black after being disinherited.

When we got inside, the person who was already there turned to look at us. Severus Snape. His eyes were cold and filled with anger, but his expression was only one of fear. The impact of what happened visible on his features.

“Have a seat,” the Gryffindor headmistress's voice was distant, she looked quite annoyed and definitely angry. "Mr. Snape has already explained to me what happened and I have to tell you that I’ve never been so disappointed about my students.”

With my head down I could see James’s leg shaking and Pete’s hand constantly moving over his trousers.

“Now I want to hear your version,” she added after a brief pause.

James cleared his throat and took a deep breath before starting to speak.

“It started as a joke really, we thought scaring Snape a bit would be fun” James was speaking fast, his hands tied together and knuckles becoming whiter. “We didn't think about the consequences, and we know it was stupid and that it is an insult to our House. We've let our best friend and you down, and we are aware an apology won't fix it, but we're so sorry, Professor."

Tears were streaming down his face now and the hole inside my chest grew larger.

“It's all my fault, McGonagall,” I said quietly but firmly when James finished. “I planned it and convinced them to help me. I told Severus how to find the tunnel and if it wasn't for James something worse could have happened. It's solely and exclusively my fault.”

I looked into Minerva's eyes that had softened and prayed she wouldn't punish my friends for my actions. Nerves and fear turned my stomach, my head was throbbing, and despite the cold, I was sweating. I felt sick. Now I was just wondering why I had done it, why I had been so angry. Asking this now was kinda worthless but as my mind was going 500 per hour I couldn’t hold back.

“You all know what you did was quite foolish and irresponsible” she said “60 points will be taken from each of you, Gryffidors, and for Mr. Snape will be 30 points.”

Before the last one mentioned could open his mouth, McGonagall added.

“You surely know that it is forbidden to be outside the common room at night, don't you, Severus?”

On another time I would have laughed along with James and Peter but this was serious enough to make fun of it.

“Yes, miss,” the boy nodded, his voice tense. His T-shirt was full of dirt and one of the sleeves had been torn due to a fall, when James was trying to run away with him from the surroundings of the Shrieking Shack.

“Good.” she nodded, her voice hard. “Also, just to let you know, if any kind of information about your classmate's condition starts spreading around the school. I will personally see to it that you are expelled. Understood?”

“Yes,” he muttered again, leaning his head.

“You can leave now,” she said. “It's late enough but you should make a visit to Madame Pomfrey, just in case. Have a good night, Severus.”

When he got to his feet, his legs moving clumsily, he walked towards the door slowly and then closed the door behind him.

“Now that we are alone,” she sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. “I’d like to know what are you going to tell Remus.”

We were silent for a whole minute. I had no idea how to explain Moony what I had done, there wasn't a way this wouldn't hurt him badly.

Minnie looked at us expectantly.

“Does he have to know?” Peter said, his voice cracked mid-sentence. “He’ll never speak to us again if he finds out.”

Now Pete was also crying and James looked as if he couldn't collect more than two coherent words together. Wormtail’s idea did not sound bad at all in my head, but I knew I should not mess this up any more than I already had.

“I don't think keeping this away from him is a good idea,” her voice was understanding and calm. “Not only because he's within his rights to know that you've revealed his secret, but if Snape decides to talk… he'd better be ready.”

Minnie was correct as always, Severus was a threat to Remus's safety. Werewolves were not welcome almost anywhere in the wizarding world, treated like scum and shunned for their condition. There was a huge stigma against them and it was very dangerous for this kind of information to come out.

“I'll meet him at dawn,” she offered after a few seconds. “To reassure him a bit and inform him that I'll do everything in my power to keep all of this hidden, but then it's up to you what you choose to tell him.”

“Thank you, professor” I said with a lump on my throat. “I will tell him everything when I see him, he didn't deserve this. I don’t know if he’ll eventually forgive me, but lying would just make this worse.”

“I would certainly do that, yes” she nodded with a sad smile on her thin lips. “Now go to bed, we’ll talk tomorrow about the rest of your punishment.”

We got up from our seats without speaking and walked towards the door in silence. There wasn't much to say, the situation was already tense enough.

Now what I had to do was apologise to my other two friends as soon as we got out of the office, it was the least I could do. I massaged the centre of my palm with my thumb, trying to calm down, when McGonagall called out to me.

“Your relationship with Mr. Lupin is strong, Sirius, more than you reckon,” she told me, standing up.

 

I smiled weakly, thinking about Minnie’s last word, and pondered if she was correct. These two weeks without Moony had been dreadful, I kinda sorted out the problems with Prongs and Wormtail and by now we were properly okay or so it seemed, but not having Remus around was rather upsetting.

We saw him everyday in class or in the library, always on his own. Not even any other Gryffindor. He looked knackered, his back hunched and dark circles under his dull eyes. It broke my heart what my actions had made of my friend, was I even worthy of his forgiveness? I doubt it.

The day after the prank when Remus arrived from talking to Minerva, anger was coming out of his eyes full of tears. I wasn’t used to seeing him cry, he didn’t do it in front of anybody, not even after the full moon when we helped him to heal his scars. We knew that Moony kept a lot to himself, and in many moments when we wanted to support him, he just would walk away. That's why it was much worse to see him so destroyed, because we had done it. I had.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you, Sirius?” Remus slammed the door shut, scaring us all. “What were you thinking? Do you think this is fun? Some kind of game?”

I swallowed before daring to speak. The scars on his neck and face had been already healed thanks to Miss Pomfrey's help but I couldn’t help glancing at them for a second. He looked... broken and so vulnerable even while being mad.

“Of course not,” I reached over to touch him but he moved quickly out of my reach. “Look, I was mad at Snape and didn’t have a second thought about it, I know it was daft. I told him how to find the entrance to the house, but I actually didn't believe he would do it.” I tried not to look hurt by the way he turned away from me in disgust. James and Pete were also in the room, frozen in their places since Remus walked in.

I felt like I couldn't breathe properly once again.

“Apologising is all I can do right now,” my pleading tone filled the momentary silence. “I don't deserve to be forgiven, I know, but... but I can change. Try to be better, Rem, I'm so sorry.”

Remus pointedly ignored my words.

“You thought killing him was a great idea to settle a bloody childish fight,” he snapped. “Have you lost your mind? Did you even think about what might have turned out?”

I looked away from his amber-like eyes. He was tense from head to toe but his hands trembled every time he ran them through his light brown hair.

“If it wasn't for McGonagall and Snape wasn't keeping his mouth shut” he started to speak in a lower tone, which honestly made me feel worse. “Other parents could have asked for me to be expelled, you could have been expelled yourself.”

I didn't want Remus to worry about me because it was killing me slowly. Despite having done this to him, he was thinking about the consequences for me.

“I hope you're proud or at least got something good out of this bullshit,” he added, pushing me so my back hit the wall behind me. I didn't even realise when he got so close “Because this is over.”

There they were, the words that I was so dreading to hear. I hadn't fully assimilated the possibility of not being friends with Remus, of losing such a special relationship, and it felt like a deserved punch to the stomach.

“Moony, please, I'm sorry” the words got stuck in my throat.

Each word sounded more desperate than the next. I wanted to make him understand that I would do anything in the world to avoid losing him but I couldn't find the exact words to express myself. I was lost for words.

“Oh no,” he laughed humorlessly. “No more Moony, no more whatever this shit has been.”

His words felt like freshly sharpened stakes. I wanted to cover my ears, curl up on the floor and pretend that none of this was happening.

“Remus, listen to us for a second.” James tried to reason, causing Remus to turn around to face him.

The situation only worsened as did my physical state.

“Don't get me started on you, Potter” his breathing had raged with anger. “You knew it and you didn't even try to stop him, did you? You're just as guilty. Always following him like a dog. You call yourself a good friend?”

James stumbled at Remus's words as if something invisible had gotten in his way. Fear prevented me from acting at that moment. It was all my fault. Not James. Not Peter. Me.

“You betrayed me,” now his voice was no more than a weak whisper full of pain and sadness. “You made a bloody promise and broke it without hesitation.”

He made a brief pause.

“You promised.” His voice, strangled and full of different emotions, reached the depths of my being. The words echoing in my head. “You're just like the rest, I'm the stupid one for trusting you, at least you won't have to deal with a werewolf anymore.”

My eyes started burning and my chest ache was unbearable. We could fix this, right?

“Well, it seems you did get something good out of this rubbish” he laughed again without any trace of humour, looking directly at me.

“Don't ever think losing you is a good thing, Remus. It's not.” I said in a whisper.

“Then why the hell did you do it?! Why, Sirius?!” he yelled, frustrated. “James? Peter? Give me one bloody reason why I should think you care a bit about me after this.”

As I stepped forward to speak, Peter's voice came up from the back of the room. He was sitting on his bed looking at us with scared eyes.

“Rem, we care about you,” he answered confidently and with a pleading look at the tall boy a few metres away from me. “We didn't think it through, we acted stupidly and we're very sorry. We regret it a lot.”

Despite Wormtail's words, Remus's expression remained the same.

“You planned everything and waited for the full moon to pull off this prank. That takes time.” He turned to look at me. “So how long have you been keeping this from me? How long have you known you'll break... my heart like this?”

I wanted to hug him and beg for his forgiveness until I was speechless but I couldn't do that to him. He wasn't the bad guy here.

With a silent tear rolling down my cheek, Remus took a step closer. He took a deep breath before speaking.

“Why you?” he whispered, his eyes full of pain. “Why you from all people, fy seren?”

“I’m so sorry, Remus” a sob escaped from within me upon hearing Remus's nickname, the nickname he had given me in Welsh.  It was well known by the group he only spoke the language on counted occasions. As most things in our close circle it started as a joke but grew to be something more significant.“I… we…”

“Just leave it,” he pulled away to look at the three of us, allowing the cold to replace the heat emanating from his body. “McGonagall can’t change me to another room, so I'll politely ask you to stay the fuck away from me... I mean it.”

Without adding anything else, he left.

Chapter 2: The Complexity of Social Interaction.

*Remus Lupin*

I woke up around half past five in the morning, my roommates still asleep, so I quietly got dressed and left the dorm with my bag already packed from the night before. My head pounded in a way that if my heart wasn't speeding I wouldn't be able to differentiate them, and the urge to vomit appeared out of the blue as my vision blurred. 

Having trouble getting the recommended hours of sleep due to my recurring nightmares wasn't news to me, however these last two weeks have been worse than usual.

All these years they'd been focused on my werewolf condition, how it became permanent and all the people I loved, including my parents, walked away from me with disgust and terror plastered on their faces. Pretty average and boring compared to the new one. After waking up, I usually follow the 'tricks' Madam Pomfrey gave me to reduce my anxiety levels. Most of the time all that breathing deeply or focusing on five objects I could touch technique, etc, didn't work at all. But, hey, no one could say I didn't try. 

Now they've changed, and the truth is that my mind seemed very dramatic and unnecessarily damaging with these ones. No need to say those 'tricks' were as useful as placing ice on a stab wound. 

Everything starts in the Astronomy Tower —which my mind seemed to think that it needed to be renewed—, the darkness of a cold night embraced the castle and the Marauders were right next to me, Hogwarts imposing and silent. However, as the full moon enters the scene, slowly appearing on top of the Black Lake, Sirius opens a dark, big, wooden door and students from all Houses and ages begin to come in, the huge group led by Severus Snape. Not realising I had already transformed myself into a monster, I stumbled back from the loud laughter and disgusted looks from the crowd, and fell into the void right after Sirius waves his hand with a malevolent smile on his lips. 

As I said, the methods to overcome the ache in my chest and racing heartbeat were of no use, so what I tend to do is leave my room and hide in the bathroom, waiting for the moment to pass. Living my best life laying on a dirty cubicleʼs floor.

Probably due to my lack of real imagination, the dream has been quite repetitive and hasn’t changed except for little details, like more recognizable faces surrounding me. Even Minnie's face appeared. The only thing that never fails to happen is me waking up looking like I’ve gone through terrible war memories.

I am not a stupid person, quite the opposite really, but I am very stubborn and I've promised myself to work things out on my own. At this moment, I wasn't sure if my sight had been blurred by the headache or by my treacherous useless tears.

When I tried to take a deep breath it turned shaky halfway. This for sure was going to be real fun. 

I entered the bathroom at the end of the empty and dark hallway, the sun several minutes away from rising so I had to use my wand to light the way. The paintings around me complained about waking them so soon, but I continued to move quickly, ignoring them.

My legs were drawn up to my chest and my head set against my bony knees once I reached the cubicle situated the farthest from the door, as I waited for the pain to go away on its own. I wished with all my might I could forget what had happened and go back to joking with Sirius, talking to Pete or just hanging out with James. I really wanted it… but I couldn’t.

Being around them just hurt, a burning feeling of frustration, anger and sadness filling my chest, aching my soul. It was like breathing fire and being incapable of letting it out.

Ever since that morning I have wondered if I was being irrational, maybe I overreacted... McGonagall had told me my emotions were valid and that it was normal not to understand everything I was feeling. I still wasn't quite sure about that.

Not being able to control what happened to me once a month was tragic and stressful enough, I couldn't afford to lose control of my human form too. The feeling of losing myself again felt as scary as ever. In the end, it was true that trusting someone was giving them the chance of hurting you. 

I should stop reading the books Lily recommends to me.

After an excruciating hour in which I threw up three times, I made the wise decision to go visit my favourite nurse, who should be sick of my presence by now. I surely would be.

The day I received my Hogwarts letter, Dumbledore assured me and my worried parents I would have a safe place where my transformations would take place and the best healthcare worker to help me after each one, and he didn't lie. I wouldn’t call the Shrieking Shack the most welcoming and warm place in the world, yet it was better than doing it near my parents or friends. Also, Madam Pomfrey was the sweetest woman I had ever met while still being awfully strict. During these six years she has been indispensable for my healing scars and wounds. I know that lycanthropy is not easy to deal with and not many people agree to do so, I would have understood if she had refused to.

Stumbling out of the cubicle, I stopped in front of the large mirror and looked at the mess I had become before drinking the tap water. When I re-entered the hall, a few students were already awake, most of them prefects. Minnie chose Lily and I as prefects last year and it was quite fun, really, but right now I'd rather tear out my fingernails than engage in conversation with any of my classmates.

Prefects were students who had been given extra authority and responsibilities, there were approximately six per house, each of us from between the 5th to 7th year. I used to patrol the corridors with Lily to make sure other students didn't break curfew, among other things, but lately I was not fulfilling my duties. It's been kinda hard to keep up with life's rhythm lately. Obviously she had noticed but I was hoping Minnie would let it go for a few more days, just until I bounce back on my feet. 

I had to stop several times because walking seemed too difficult for my weak body at the time. Fucking useless. I leaned against a cold wall in an empty corridor, thank Merlin, and closed my eyes for a few seconds.

“Remus?” someone asked from across the hall “Um, are you alright?”

I cursed under my breath and carefully turned to face whoever was talking to me. The boy had wavy black hair and his grey bright eyes looked at me with concern. Regulus Black. He looked so much like Sirius, hair a bit shorter and a dead stare intended to keep people away accompanied by dark circles were the only physical differences between the brothers. I was afraid I would start crying again.

Swallowing the lump in my throat and all hard feelings as if they were a brick, I pretended to be as fine as I could with my corpse like appearance. 

I met Regulus a couple of years ago, when he first entered Hogwarts. I remember mistaking them for each other as I met Sirius the year before. A few years ago it was almost impossible to differentiate them. An embarrassing experience that the boys still remind me of to this day.

“Morning, Regulus,” I straightened up, “Yeah, I’m fine, all good.”

The look on his face told me he didn't believe it one bit. He cocked his head to one side and narrowed his eyes before speaking again.

“You look like you're going to pass out,” he argued with a frown.

“Reggie, who are you talking to?” a slightly annoyed voice spoke from the other hallway. “We're late for practice.”

Barty Crouch Jr. appeared dressed in his Quidditch attire as Regulus did, both having made the Slytherin team two years ago as beater and seeker respectively. The same positions as Sirius and James.

“Oh, Lupin,” his mocking grin quickly disappeared when he saw my face. “Are you okay?”

I'd never spoken directly to him before. The Marauders pulled pranks on almost everyone, specifically Slytherins, and I knew Barty had confronted Sirius more than once about it, only to return the pranks in spades. Since then, their relationship with Regulusʼ group was based on nothing but pranks.

I adjusted my bag and nodded quickly, which made my head spin for a second.

“Yeah, don't worry,” I swallowed hard and made a face I quickly tried to hide. “I have to go, though it's nice to see you.”

He gave me a quizzical look before I turned around with nowhere in mind to go, the hospital wing was on the other side of the building and I didn't want to run into them. In less than a few seconds with a closer look, they'll know I'm quite not fine at all. Less than two metres into the walk I had to stop because the pressure in my chest was making it hard to breathe properly. The next thing I knew I was on the ground and a couple of quick footsteps were running towards me. 

***

I fluttered my eyelashes as the bright sun streaming through the windows at the top of the room hit my eyes. I let out a low moan as my entire body ached, not enough to be as bad as I expected, and I closed them shut again not before advertising I was in the hospital ward. 

The bed I was lying on was especially pleasant which made the uncomfortable feeling more manageable. The day I died I wanted it to be in this very bed. The pillow under my neck was what I thought clouds would feel like if they were a solid entity. I relaxed on them and breathed quietly, could I ask to spend my nights here?

All I could remember was falling to the floor after the conversation with the Slytherin boys, so I had no idea how I'd ended up in the hospital ward, but I'd love to stay in my ignorance for a while, wishing a stranger had brought me here and decided to leave before I woke up.

The headache was gone at least and I didn't feel like throwing up, which was progress. The only thing that alarmed me was the numb feeling in my arm, I couldn't move it from its position over my stomach. I probably tried to break my fall with it, another brilliant idea, but surely Madam Pomfrey must have seen to that.

After enjoying a few more minutes of silence, except for the nurse's heels, I tried to open my eyes again to find someone staring directly into my eyes from across the bed, blocking out the sun that was threatening to blind me again.

“It seems sleeping beauty has decided to delight us with his presence again,” Barty Crouch's voice sounded relaxed and funny, not as irritable as I would've expected. “How are you, Lupin?”

 I was a little confused. Regulus was nowhere to be found and the brunette looked at me as  if he would start shaking me if I didn't start talking. Why did he even care? I didn't mean to be rude but we weren't friends, they probably hated us. This unexpected nice attitude had taken me by surprise. At the same time I hoped with all my might Regulus hadn't gone to tell anyone else, I was feeling well enough to go back to the common room on my own or even go to class. I had no idea what time it was, but I'd probably already missed one or two.

“Better,” my voice was rough as I spoke. “How long have I been here?”

He leaned against the metal bars in front of him before answering, no longer wearing his Quidditch uniform, but a black v-necked jumper that revealed the white shirt he wore underneath, with the typical green and silver Slytherin tie poorly knotted. The sleeves were rolled up to the elbow, revealing small hand-drawn scribbles in ink, including what looked like a dead tree. His robe was on a chair next to me, along with our bags.

Barty was an interesting-looking lad, his light brown eyes always had a mischievous twinkle in them and his tousled brown hair gave him a carefree appearance. He had a cut on his bottom lip, plus a tiny reddish scratch on his left cheek; as an expert in wounds and healing process, I would say they had a day maximum. 

“Well, it's noon,” he said, tapping the metal bar with his nails, “so five hours, give or take. Regulus is now in the Great Hall steali…grabbing, grabbing something other than this disgusting food to eat.” 

I half-smiled at the stupid correction he made. It felt kinda weird as it had been weeks since I'd had a normal conversation with someone without trying to run away. I gave a short glance to the poor looking sandwich by my side and then nodded. 

Before I could think of my response, Madam Pomfrey came over to us, shooing the other boy away so she could do a checkup. Barty winked at me before heading for the door to wait for Regulus. 

Maybe I hit my head hard enough and now I was completely delusional, because this made no sense. 

She sat next to me and took my hand as she leaned down to speak as softly and calmly as she could, “Remus, darling, what happened?” I found her concerned tone endearing. “Mr. Crouch and Mr. Black brought you here this morning looking like a dead body, for Merlin’s sake, you hardly seemed to be breathing, plus you were paler than usual.”

I kept my expression neutral as she spoke. Anxiety and panic attacks were something I was already familiar with and sometimes lost the ability to handle. They were already a part of my life, so I wasn't alarmed by what she told me either. Looking like I was a sneeze from passing away was my brand. 

“Have you been eating properly? I bet you didn't get enough sleep either,” she wasn’t even asking, so I kept my mouth shut, waiting for her to finish. “You should talk to McGonagall, I already told her you're here, so no more excuses..”

I had no intention at all of engaging in another conversation about my wellbeing today. Didn't feel like I needed more pity than what I was receiving. 

“I've been pretty knackered these past few weeks, that's all,” she raised an eyebrow, sceptical. Not a lie, though, I was tired of my life. That was a bit dramatic, I wasn't going through my best month. I'll get over it, right? “I swear I’m fine now.”

She sighed before nodding, then released my hand to run it through my hair. As she began to rummage through the medicines on the metal table next to her, she continued talking.

“And where are your friends? The other Black kid, Potter and the little one,” turned to look at me for a second. “Peter, right? I always forget his name, he's the one I have to attend to the least out of the four of you.”

I fell silent, momentarily speechless, searching for an answer. “I haven't had time to talk to them yet, I left my room early,” I fixed my eyes on my unharmed arm's fingers. “Prefect things.”

Satisfied with my brief reply as she checked my arm, tension leaving my shoulders. I didn't want to talk about that either. What about not talking at all? 

“I was surprised those two brought you here, honestly.” She pointed towards the door where Regulus was already with different desserts in his hands. Next to him was a skinny blond boy who was helping him to bring the stuff. I recognize him as Evan Rosier. We shared most of the classes as well as some extracurriculars.

When he wasn't with his friends, he was disconcertingly quiet and withdrawn, unlike when they were together. And as with Barty, I'd never spoken to him directly. I had always suspected these boys had some kind of relationship, but that was only a speculation me and the boys made out of a joke. Still when I saw them together I couldn't avoid thinking their relationship had something special, a spark that couldn't be found in other relationships. 

Now their expressions were a bit too severe as if they were arguing about how to kill somebody and Evan was the one who looked more pissed off, menacing glares thrown at everything that stepped into his pupil's way. Barty was right by his side and he was very explicite with his constant hand movement, as if they were trying to convince Regulus whatever he said was mad stupid. 

“But they seem like nice boys, surprisingly enough,” she let out a laugh. “I’m glad you’re opening up to other people, Remus.”

I just nodded, refocusing on her.

After giving me some more meds to keep the pain out and fix my arm, she finished the check-up telling me I could stay there for the rest of the day to recover. Madam Pomfrey then left to check on a Hufflepuff boy who had probably injured himself during broom training.

The three boys came up to me chuckling, which prompted the nurse to threaten to throw them out of the room. Their whisper argument ended quite fast, just as if it never took place. Evan raised his arms in surrender and uttered a quick " sorry ," with an irked smile still plastered on his lips.

“So this is the damsel in distress,” he teased, raising his voice high enough for Madam Pomfrey to throw daggers at us with her eyes. He sat down on the corner of the bed, facing me. “Remus Lupin.”

I was still so surprised by what was happening that I kept quiet. They had helped me and I sincerely appreciated it but I couldn't think of a single reason why they would want to stay with me. His glance did not reflect the warmth of his speech, observing me cautiously. 

Did Sirius do something to them too? Because if this was a prank I was going to be furious. 

“Don't be a prick so soon, Evan,” Regulus scolded with a smile that I've never seen from him, sitting down in the chair next to me after setting my bag on the floor. “You're going to scare him off.”

I felt stuck for a couple seconds, maybe minutes, struggling to reply something that made sense. Feeling the social anxiety preying on me, I focused on unwrapping my food and relaxing the tension that had settled on my shoulders one more time.

“Okay, mama bear,” he rolled his eyes. “Let me introduce myself properly: I'm Evan Rosier, one of your many suitors.”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes as I snorted, speaking without thinking. He surely was making fun of me. My tone came out in a defensive and harsh way. Good start. “Nice to meet you too.”

“Hey, I thought you were my beau,” Barty sat in the other corner, near Evan, eyeing the blond dramatically and nudging him slightly.

The blond shrugged with an unexpected lovely smile, returning the hit.

Crouch's eyes were glimmering and his easy going crooked smile showed something more than friendship. I couldn't be fooled with this. 

“What can I say, the boy has won me over with his healthy appearance,” he popped one of the biscuits he had brought into his mouth, “and his discursive skills, of course.”

His sarcastic attitude made me smile as I simply shrugged. 

“He'll definitely want to get away from us now, leave him alone, don't be annoying.” Regulus crossed his legs and turned to look at me. “You look better, by the way.”

I kept a weak, polite smile on my face as Crouch mocked what the black-haired boy had said, Rosier punched him in the arm again.

“I feel better,” I stated. The body ache dissipated little by little thanks to the meds, my arm recovering it's movement ability. “Thanks to you.”

“It's nothing,” replied Crouch, returning to the conversation. “Everything is a good reason to miss class.”

The boy next to him nodded.

“Didn't you guys go to any class today?” I asked.

“Since we got here we've been taking turns so you wouldn't be alone,” Regulus replied as if it were the most normal thing in the world. “Since I was recently made a prefect I have more freedom to do what I want, it's not that Slughorn or McGonagall are going to complain either.”

Missing a day wouldn't mean much to me considering that if I asked them, they would repeat their class privately for me. Being a werewolf, in my case, meant being severely injured after every full moon, so I usually wasn't able to go to class and I most of the time convinced my friends to not skip them. I'm not going anywhere , I usually told them, you can come back later . 

The thing was, these three were not my friends nor somebody I used to talk to on a daily basis. 

“You're one of their favourites,” Evan added, gesturing with his hands. “They're putting your face on a pedestal sooner than later.”

“Are you jealous, Rosier?” I questioned, jokingly.

He looked at me in surprise before shaking his head, laughing.

“Never,” a mischievous glint peeked through his blue eyes. “Jealousy is for people insecure of their worth and potential, you know.”

We spent the next hour talking about our classes which allowed me to get to know them a bit more. Not as bad as expected. 

Regulus was a year ahead in Potions, apparently professor Slughorn had invited him to be part of his Slug club of which I was also a member, just like Lily or unfortunately Snape. Rosier and Crouch were in my year and both turned out to be very smart but cared a lot less about grades than Black.

The former excelled in Charms but really enjoyed the Astronomy elective, while Barty did much better in Defence Against the Dark Arts, although his real interest lay in Alchemy. 

All three of them came from absurdly wealthy and probably related families with rather extreme ideologies but they joked freely about it, making fun of how stupid they thought it was. They told me how the Slytherin students had changed a lot over the years and although there were still a few who shared those radical ideas, the majority were pretty decent people.

“Guys, do me a favour and let Remus rest,” Madam Pomfrey approached us. I looked around as the place had started to fill up with different students who had had an accident in their flying classes. “You can come visit him later.”

“Actually, I'm ready to go,” I said, smoothing my hair back. “I'll go back to my room if that's alright.”

It would be empty for the next few hours as my roommates had Quidditch practice after class and Peter would surely be with them. The library was also a safe option since I had to start studying for finals and was unlikely to find them there.

“We’ll go with you,” Regulus said, rising to his feet.

The lady turned to look at them with her arms crossed.

“Don't you have class?” she asked with a cocked eyebrow.

They looked at each other and simultaneously shrugged before Evan decided to reply.

“We couldn’t let our dear friend suffer here all alone,” he argued with puppy dog eyes. “By the way, have I ever told you how much I like your uniform, Madam Pomfrey?”

“Get out of here,” she rolled his eyes, but smiled. “And you, Remus, come back if you feel unwell again, I mean it.”

I nodded before carefully getting up to stand next to Regulus, who got up from his chair and grabbed my bag as he handed the robe to Barty, who was already planning to leave without it. I thanked the nurse again before watching as she run over to a boy who was complaining of severe pain in his leg.

Walking felt a bit odd at first, but at least I wasn't dizzy anymore and could feel my legs. When we got outside I took a deep breath of the fresh air breeze coming from the small courtyard a few metres away.

“Thank you for everything,” I said, holding out my hand to Regulus who hesitantly dropped my bag into it. “I can go back by myself, I don't want to take up any more of your time.”

Evan, who had already started walking towards the Gryffindor dorms, stopped in his tracks to look at me.

“Do you want us to tell my brother or one of the other boys? It's better if you don't go alone,” the black-haired boy proposed with a more stern tone.

My eyes must have shown the answer when they widened a bit as I shook my head. “No, no, no,” I repeated, adjusting the handles of my bag over my shoulders. “I can get to the dorms by myself, don't worry, you've already done too much.”

It may have sounded a bit harsher than I intended, but at least the message was clear.

“Then we'll join you,” Barty stated, stepping closer to where Evan stood, his furrowed brow greatly changing his expression, which was now hardened.

“That's not necessary.” I said in the most calm way I could.

“Well that's too bad, because we happened to be heading that way too,” the blond said after a few seconds of silence, his face relaxing. Crouch's hand over his shoulders. “So you'll have to put up with us a little longer.”

Chapter 3: Let you down.

*Sirius Black*

When we got off our brooms and practice was over, James and I went for a short shower while Peter lingered outside accompanied by Alice Fortescue, who was waiting for Marlene, the other Gryffindor beater in the team.

Feeling too outworn to remain focused on anything, my mind went back to the place it's been the whole day: Remus Lupin and his lack of presence. He had been missing all day. What if something bad happened to him and he didn't have anyone to help? 

I got dressed and joined the small group outside, James, always faster than me, already there with the rest. Alice seemed to be telling them important news by the solemn look on their faces. 

“Who died?” I slipped an arm around Marlene's shoulders, but not before running my hand through her short hair. She had done it herself so it was impressive to see such a great result. Since first year, her hair had been dull and flat, so she decided to cut it short and got a really nice wolf cut.

She immediately pulled away from me and tried to slap my arm, I smiled innocently, moving out of her reach.

“You will be if you don't stop acting like a little brat,” she assured me with a murderous look on her face.

I ignored her, turning to look at Alice, who was talking quietly to James and Peter, who just nodded.

“Is everything alright?” I frowned.

“Yes, of course,” the brunette said with a reassuring smile. Alice had a soothing effect on others that made you feel safe around her, she was the most supportive and untroubled person in the group, I didn't understand how she could even put up with us. “I was just telling them about Remus.” 

I looked at James for a moment but he was talking to Pete, avoiding my eyes. I hoped for everyone's sake Snape had kept his mouth shut or things were going to get a lot worse than I expected.

“What's the matter with him?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

“I saw him, you know,” she said softly, “with your brother and the two other Slytherins who are always with him. I think their names are Barty and Evan. They were accompanying Rem to the entrance of the common room when I was about to leave. He didn't even look at me when I walked by. Kinda odd behaviour, isn't it? ”

My body stiffened but I corrected my posture immediately.

Surprisingly, I hadn't seen any of those boys today - were they with him all day? Strange indeed.

Running my hand through my hair I undid the bun I'd made when I got out of the shower. It fell slightly below my shoulders, dishevelled, so I tucked it behind my ears.

“Regulus is a prefect now,” James commented, putting his hand on the back of my neck, stroking it with his thumb, as we walked towards the building. “They were probably talking about that, plus you know, Crouch and Rosier won't let your brother off the hook.”

I didn't bother to ask him how he knew that information about my brother before I did as Regulus and I were actively ignoring each other since our fight in late August. A long-forgotten fear once again coursed through my body: the fear of replacement, of Remus seeing Regulus as a better version of me as well.

I love Reggie, more than he thinks I do, he was the only thing that still tied me to that family full of maniacs; that didn't mean I didn't begrudge him a bit for being the spitting image of perfection to my parents and the rest of my relatives. Like any other child, I craved the love and attention of my abusive family members, and I didn't understand why he had to be the chosen one in every situation, no matter how hard I tried.

“Exactly,” Pete clapped his hands as if it was the best answer he'd ever heard. “Most likely they asked Moony for guidance or something.” 

For me though, it had been the least convincing thing I'd ever heard in my life and James' excuses were hard to beat.

“Wait, he's been ignoring me too,” the blonde girl looked at us one by one with squinted eyes. “For a while now, actually. I haven't seen him talking to you either, did something happen?” 

We glanced at each other, the atmosphere becoming slightly tense. We hadn't told anyone what had happened, it seemed unnecessary to repeat the story over and over as if it was something to brag about. Also, Minnie recommend us not to. 

“Why would we know?” I closed my eyes and grimaced at James’ response, Peter let out a sigh.

Indeed, no one could ever overshadow him and his answers.

“Oh, I dunno,” she shrugged. “Perhaps because he's your bloody best friend, you git.”

“So, what have you done, then?” Alice stepped in as we kept our mouths carefully shut.

Marlene genuinely looked pissed off, menacing actually, like she did every time someone said something stupid. Pupils dilated, reddened checks and rapid hand movement, everything was there. Her friend slowly stroked her forearm, encouraging Marlene to stay at ease.

“We made a tiny wee prank that may or may not have nearly led to Snape getting torn to shreds…” Peter spoke at a snail’s pace keeping an eye on the girls' faces, “by the least friendly version of Remus.”

Realisation flooded their jolted features. They had first found out about Remus last year, but unlike us, they'd been silent. Their eyes widened in horror and their jaws slackened, colour drained from their faces. Before we could say something else, Marlene dragged us into a corner inside the crowded hall; Alice walked behind us, processing the information just reveled.

“You're three big pieces of shit, you know that, right?” the blonde shouted in a low voice. She looked like smoke could literally come out of her ears. A couple of students turned their heads to stare but quickly continued with their walk. “Don't you bloody know when to stop, huh?”

Her greenish eyes flashed with an explosive glow as if a bomb blast was taking place behind them. What really frightened me was the disappointment and confusion hidden in that anger.

“It's my fault, McKinnon,” I stood in front of James and Peter as if I could shield them from the girl's words. “I've already talked to him and McGonagall, believe me when I say we're getting what we deserve.”

Our House headmistress had given each of us a different punishment. Prongs had to clean the Potions classroom every day after school for the rest of the term; Wormy had been assigned to help our Caretaker of Magical Creatures, Silvanus Kettleburn, clean the place where the beasts were kept. And I would miss the next three Quidditch matches and help Professor McGonagall in her Transfiguration class with the first years, as well as having to pick up whatever they left behind. Today due to an important staff reunion they would miss their detention, the reason was we had to be supervised during them. I already fulfilled mine during off hours, I was that lucky. 

“Actually, James and I agreed to help you, so it's our fault as well,” Peter grabbed my arm, wearing a sad smile. “Remus needs time, we understand. What we did was the worst thing a friend could do, really.”

I shook my head, squeezing his hand between mine.

“I planned it,” I remarked, looking down at the ground. “This shouldn't be happening to you.”

I sighed, turning back to the girls. The shorter one looked at us with a small, touched smile while the other had one eyebrow raised and her arms crossed.

“Okay, very touching and all, but that solves absolutely nothing and him avoiding you is the least you deserve for that shit,” Marlene leaned against the wall, I've never seen her so on the verge of a panic attack. “Snivellus better keep quiet, Sirius, this is fucking horrible. I don't know why it's taken you so fucking long to tell us. Sometimes I wonder, for Merlin's sake, what I've done to....” 

“Marls, don't say anything you'll regret,” Alice interrupted, as sympathetic as ever. Perhaps too much so. “They know what they've done is a big, big fuck up but I'm sure there'll be a way to sort it out.” 

“Alice, this isn't some little prank that ends with detention,” she gestured, her brows furrowed. “This fucking rubbish could have ruined Remus life, his studies, his hard work, his reputation. Right now I don't even feel like trying to understand how or why.... I don't care because you don't do that to a friend. Ever.

I haven't heard from my friend for over two weeks now because you guys felt like playing a prank about someone's most fragile secret,” Marlene looked me in the eye as if she too had been heartbroken. “Remus has been avoiding us because of you.” 

I opened my mouth to reply but she held up a finger to stop me from speaking. 

“I need... I need to go, I…” her voice came out shaky so she cleared her throat before she started walking back to the exit. “I'm going to get some air.” 

The four of us standing there maintained silent. No one could argue with what the blonde had said, for the simple fact that she was absolutely right. 

We had been lousy friends, not only with Remus but with the girls as well. I hadn't taken into account that the only one affected by this wouldn't be Snape. 

I hoped that Marlene would try to talk to Remus, he deserved to have real friends, to protect him as he deserved. 

“We'd better get going to the common room,” Fortescue put each of her thin arms around the waists of James and Pete who didn't look much better than I did, and motioned to me so we would begin the walk to our tower. She had a sad look on her face, and although I thanked her wholeheartedly for her support, we didn't deserve it. We did not deserve her pity or sorrow. 

“She just needs time, guys,” Alice said, and even if that sentence was true, I hated it with my heart because I knew better than anyone that time could not heal all wounds. 

It'll work out, sure it will, but then what? In the event that one day Remus forgives us and regains trust in us, the chances are that the damage won't be fixed and that there will still be anger and resentment and fear. 

If my parents asked me to forgive them for everything they had done, every blow, every insult, would I be able to forgive them at all? Remus was family to me and I had trampled on our relationship in the way only my parents could have done it. 

“Yeah, we know,” I sighed and faked a smile she warmly returned. 

If Marlene decided to tell Lily or Mary, I wouldn't blame her, but they are so important to Peter and James that watching them being hurt by my actions once again made my body tremble with fear. 

To ease the atmosphere, Peter began talking about the Halloween's upcoming event, remembering our costumes from last year and proposing new ideas. Fifth year could easily be our best one. Moony came with a box full of colourful clothing and we dressed up as different muggle singers: Elton John, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie and Prince. We lost the scary part of the day but who cared.

Wormtail, along with Prongs, started coming up with new costumes that we could pull off this year. In their face, clearly they weren't as excited as they used to be. Alice, trying to cheer up our mood, stated that we could never beat the girls and their genius idea. I smiled and nodded to everything they said, but the truth was I didn't feel like preparing anything for Halloween, not even to pretend I did.

I lost myself in thought for a while until Alice tapped me on the arm.

“I'm sorry about Marls, I promise I'll talk to her; and about your brother, Sirius.... I don't think it's anything relevant,” her hand on my shoulder felt warm and comforting. We had reached the door to the common room, the stairs empty though you could hear the murmur coming from downstairs and the paintings and ghosts chatting. “I only told you guys because it struck me as odd.” 

For a few minutes I had completely forgotten that topic. What a shitty day, I wanted to go to sleep and ignore everything that was currently going on. 

“Why don't you try to have a word with Reggie?” Peter questioned. “You're the sneakiest of them all, you manage to get information out of him... And while you're at it, you talk about... everything.” 

The truth was, it seemed easy but having run away from home that summer, the relationship I had with Regulus wasn't the best. I could kill two birds with one stone, satisfying my curiosity and having the conversation I had lingering with my brother. But I was terrified.

I didn't regret leaving that house, but I did regret leaving my little brother. I had been everything to him, just as he had been everything to me all those hellish years with my parents. I felt like a coward even though everyone praised me as a brave man. Before we were due to enter this course I had a very heated argument with my little brother in which we said hurtful things that we didn't really mean, or at least I didn't mean them. From that moment on we didn't speak to each other and Remus was very aware of that... I wouldn't expect any kind of revenge from him but I feared he would find some common ground with Reggie, that his feelings towards everything I had done would bring them together. 

“It's probably nonsense, Pads,” he added. 

It was no secret what had happened in the House of Black, the change of heir to the empire my family had built and the disgrace it had brought them. I'd read all the newspaper articles, heard all the radio commentaries - it was all out in the open. 

And if my parents didn't hate me enough, they would now. I had put them in the media spotlight for the wrong reason, I hoped they wouldn't take it out on him.

Reggie had always been treated better , which was a lot to assume when talking about Walburga and Orion Black. We had different punishments and we were raised differently since they realised that I wasn't cut out to follow their strict rules. Perhaps if I had behaved as I should have from the start my relationship with the rest of the people I know would have been less disastrous. 

I'd broken into James' house, destroyed my friendship with Remus, ruined my relationship with my brother. All in this one shitty year. 

Being honest, the only people that heard what happened directly from me were Prongs and… Moony. The moment I moved in with James, he listened to me while I sobbed uncontrollably. And as soon as Remus heard the news, he came by to show his support, he even stayed for a week with us. 

Pete was visiting his Irish relatives at the moment but I did receive lots of letters which reminded me I wasn't alone. We never had the conversation where I explained everything explicitly and he never pushed me to. 

“Yeah, maybe I will,” I finished, not in the mood to continue this conversation. 

“I shouldn't have mentioned it, it's just stupid” she said apologetically, which made me feel worse. I had been the one who had caused our entire group to lose a friend, she was just trying to be nice. 

“Don't be silly, Alice,” I put my arm around her and gave her a short hug. “Actually, I should thank you for telling me. I'm just really tired, between practice and classes, you know.”

Her frown eased as she nodded.

“Yes, this year is off to a very intense start.” As we arrived at the common room, where most of our friends and classmates were gathered, everyone put on their best face possible. Remus wasn't there . Alice leaned over to whisper something in my ear. “We won't tell anyone, it's between the four of you and it will stay that way, don't worry... and get some sleep, you look like you need it.” 

If one of my friends wasn't her boyfriend, I would have asked her for her hand right now.

“I owe you one, Fortescue," I whispered in her ear as well, the room buzzing with intense conversation and laughter. We stepped through the hubbub to approach the stairs that led to our rooms. “Thanks for everything.”

“But I haven't done anything, silly,” she rolled her eyes. “I'll only ask you to try solve the issue with Remus as soon as possible, I don't know how long Marlene will last without jumping on him or Lily herself.”

The redhead would probably be just as confused as the rest of the girls seeing the change in everyone's attitudes. I was surprised we hadn't been questioned till now, though we shunned them quite a bit too. 

“If all I had to do to fix it was try,” I muttered without much heartening.

“It's the first step, at least,” she smiled before turning back to the boys. “Have a good evening, lads.”

We bid her farewell before going up to our bedroom.

Since the first day we had made a big effort to decorate the room, every year after returning from the summer holidays we brought something to spice it up. I designed drawings for each of our dressers. James's, for example, had a stag wearing a quidditch tee. Remus brought posters of a bunch of muggle artists he had introduced to us over the years, as well as old vinyl records his father had given him, to put on Peter's record player. Prongs had managed to carve our nicknames into the wooden headboards in calligraphy that wasn't perfect but made each of them more personal, as well as making personalised frames for each of us with a different photo of the Marauders.

I didn't want to know what McGonagall would say when we had to leave next year and she saw all this, if she hadn't already. As much as we would have liked to, we couldn't find a spell to transport a room to another house. And we'd tried. 

As we stepped inside, the intense smell of camomile gave us a welcoming embrace. Moony, surprisingly, was lying face down on his bed with a floating cup of the fiery liquid. A Potions book on his pillow, as he'd fallen asleep on it.

Peter gestured for us not to make too much noise and moved over to the boy to set the teacup on the bedside table, then put the book away as well.

I tucked Remus into the warm maroon blankets and closed the curtains around the bed, we turned off the lights that had been on since Merlin knew when, and sat down next to James. His bed was the other one, along with mine, that occupied the centre of the room.

Darkness poured in through the windows, embracing the waning moon which was perfectly visible from here, though Pete had acquired a telescope with which we had spent hours watching the night sky not long ago.

We were silent for several minutes, not knowing what to say. If something had happened to Remus, I needed to know. He would never skip school for anyone or anything, we knew that well, unless he felt quite ill. Talking to Regulus scared me like nothing else but it was a viable option. 

It couldn't be that bad, certainly, everything was already going downhill.

“I think... I think I'm going to talk to Regulus,” I finally whispered without looking directly at them. “Maybe Moony's told him something about us, and actually knows how he's feeling.” 

“Sounds great, yes,” Wormy agreed, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Yes, it's a good idea, Pads,” James joined in, “Now I'm going to bed, I'm truly knackered.” 

I felt that throughout the day I had done nothing but still managed to look haggard. My stomach was completely closed so I sure as hell wasn't getting anything in until tomorrow. 

“I think I'm going down to the Great Hall,” Peter quietly got out of bed with a small groan. It was less than an hour before curfew but it wasn't until a few minutes before those of us who were old enough didn't really clear the corridors and lounges. “See if Frank or Mary are there.... If I run into Marls I'll try to talk to her.” 

Any other time I would have gone with him, but I wanted to enjoy being in the same room as Remus while I was awake for more than a few minutes. Knowing he was so close gave me some sense of peace until I remembered that even so, we were further away than ever.

“Thanks, Wormie,” James said with a sigh and the blond ruffled his hair affectionately before leaving. 

Prongs and I got up from the bed at the same time and looked into each other's eyes for a few scant seconds before he reached over to give me a tight hug which I promptly returned. 

“We're going to be fine,” James' voice was low, the phrase a combination of question and statement.

I nodded and with as sincere a smile which turned into a grimace as I turned to my side of the room. I took off my clothes and put on my pyjamas in total silence, listening to Remus's soft snoring. This sounded almost creepy but words couldn't explain how much I missed him. As I pulled on my shirt I turned my head to my bedside table to look at the picture that always made me think about how quickly everything had changed over the years. We were in third year, the first year on the quidditch team for James and me. We had won the match and the four of us were wrapped in an embrace with excited, smiling expressions. Remus was turned towards me and we were both looking into each other's eyes. It had happened to us many times before, to have a second of complete privacy between us sharing a simple gaze. He was so proud of us.

Lily had taken the picture, I could still remember her joyful laugh before she joined in the celebration.

I lay back on the bed, squeezing my eyes shut.

What an idiot I was.

Notes:

I really hope you liked it and that you're having a nice first week of the year. Happy 2023<3

Chapter 4: Befriending the enemy.

*Remus Lupin*

I sat on the stony, icy bench, under the arched doorway surrounding the small front yard, waiting for recess to end as I read my Potions notes. The cool, frosty air filled my lungs before I let out my breath. Each inhalation felt like the first, there was something satisfying about the sharp chill in my chest.

Thanks to the autumn's low temperatures most students preferred to stay inside, in the Great Hall, admiring the Halloween decorations already in place for tomorrow.I wondered if the boys would do something for the party, dressing up had been a tradition for us so I wouldn't be surprised if they did.

Things had become more weird between us, or so I sensed, the whole school seemed to have noticed the change in our group. Too many days without a marauder prank was a rare occurrence. I felt the piercing stares of every student on me, I knew they were mostly curious but that didn't make it any less irritating and annoying.

I hadn't spoken to anyone about it and had no intention of doing so. Neither the boys nor Snape seemed to have gone around spreading the word about what happened, thanks to Merlin. Still, I couldn't help but feel people knew, they knew I was a monster and no one wants their children around a monster. I just hoped the kick would happen sooner rather than later, because it would, it always did.

Minnie assured me such a thing wouldn't happen but I was smart enough to doubt empty reassuring words. She insisted on subjecting me to little interrogations after each of her classes as she felt genuinely concerned about my mental state, yet I would only answer her questions briefly and then go hide in the library for hours. My day-to-day life couldn't have been more fascinating.

Nothing could fix my condition, I knew it, I was what I was, period. I decided who I trusted with this, it was my choice, should've been more responsible about it. If I had kept it from the boys like I had planned all along we would still be fine. Made a bad choice and this was the consequence. 

James and Lily had tried to talk to me a couple of times, but like the expert that I am, I shied away from the situation. It was unfair to her and the rest of the group who were not involved in the incident but it was better that way. If I stayed away, the group would remain intact, plus a burden like my condition… the further away the better. No more classes or lost days because I couldn't get out of bed. 

The constant lump in my throat, the tension and the pain in my chest, were completely manageable. It would pass. I hated feeling so fragile, delicate, as if every time something reminded me of it I was seconds away from bursting into tears or letting my anger run wild or both. My whole body felt like a crystal vase.

When Alice tried to greet me the other day, all I could think about was what a good and close friend she was to Peter. The harmful, disdainful part of my brain decided to overlook it and move on.

Later, I felt nothing but shame and decided to take a nap to forget about it for a while, and it was a miracle that my body complied, but not before I spent several minutes in bed waiting to fall into the trap of my dream world. Although apparently my mind must have been knackered enough by the day to come up with a nightmare.

After one of my long sessions of musing, I'd come to the conclusion I was utterly and irrevocably terrified of interacting with the boys because of the hurtful possibility they would act as if nothing had happened. I could then fervently assert they didn't care about me at all, and I wouldn't survive that. 

That scenario would send me back into that spiral of sadness and other intense and debilitating emotions from which this time there would be no one to pull me out. I was not so lucky.

Throughout my years at Hogwarts there have been multiple people who have helped me out of the black hole I had dug myself into. In our third year, I stepped away from my parents, as our relationship became more awkward as time went on. I stopped going to see them during the Christmas holidays for their safety and during summers I used to spend all the day out, so we hardly saw each other. Which meant I would have more time to sink into my glorious hole of misery, or so I thought. That same year onwards, Peter stayed with me the whole time, James and Sirius asked their parents for permission to do the same, the former could only stay for a few more days before he left. Sirius was taken away from the castle by his nasty mother, with a cold and tormenting expression, but he really tried and wrote to us whenever he could. I still have the letters.

They'd taken me out of that hole to, in a way, almost put me back there. Ironic, isn't it?

“Hey, Lupin,” Evan Rosier's voice made me raise my eyes from the sheet of parchment. “Aren't you freezing your arse out here?” 

Regulus, Crouch and a platinum blonde haired girl were right next to him. I knew the girl, her name was Pandora Ancrum and she was a year below me, being one of the brightest witches at Hogwarts; her hair and the way she dressed made her quite recognisable as well. Like her Slytherin friend, she'd also been given the opportunity to choose some advanced subjects such as Potions and Charms. And being a Ravenclaw, she spent most of her time within the snake house, and fit in perfectly among them.

Not that I knew her personally.

I shook my head, making my hair gently hit my forehead. “It's not that cold.” 

Since the day I fainted, we had only exchanged polite " greetings " and short smiles, so I was surprised to see them approaching me. 

“You're out of your mind if you think this weather isn't really freezing,” Barty replied, teeth gnashing. “My face is completely numb and I can't feel my fingers anymore.” 

“Don't be such a crybaby,” the girl said in a soft tone and took a step towards me, extending her gloved hand. “I'm Pandora by the way.” 

“Remus,” I smiled back, stiffly.

Her features were elegant and her presence exuded sophistication. All four of them came from pureblood families, and though they were no older than me, they had the same intoxicating, magnetic presence as their families.

“We were heading to the Astronomy tower,” Reggie commented as he rubbed his gloved hands together. “You can come if you want.” 

The offer caught me by surprise, leaving me silent for a moment.

“Yeah,” an amused smile tugged at Pandora's lips, “having someone with half a brain around would be brilliant.” 

As Regulus and Barty complained, she rolled her eyes, claiming that they couldn't take a joke. The blond boy leaned slightly towards me, smirking flirtatiously. I was a couple of inches ahead of him, not much, but Evan knew how to make himself look bigger thanks to his upright posture, the complete opposite of mine. Copying his smile, teasingly, I straightened up, regaining my inch advantage, eliciting a giggle from him.

“Dorcas is waiting for us,” Evan pointed out and although I wasn't quite sure who he was referring to, I pretended I was. “So, are you coming, sexy man? It'll be more fun than decoding your notes.” 

I was looking at the notes in my hand and gently tapped him with them. It wasn't the first time nor would it be the last time someone told me my handwriting was intelligible and I swear I tried to improve on it but most of the time they became indecipherable to anyone but me.

"We promise not to bite you,” Crouch approached with a sly grin as well. “Unless you ask us to, of course.” 

“Leave the kid alone, you sex fiends." Regulus grabbed the hood of Barty's robes and tugged.

The situation itself seemed odd to me, but at no point had I ever felt any discomfort. Odd? Sure, but not uncomfortable. People used to make me quite nervous, especially at the beginning of chats, and it had been a long time since I had felt so comfortable with a group of people so soon. My dry attitude used to turn away potential new friends. I have always been a very private person when it came to personal matters and talking was not an activity I was passionate about, I had had that kind of extrovert friend who loved to fill the silence.

Besides, his sense of humour had similarities to mine except for the excessive flirting.

“What do you intend to do up there?” I asked.

It had just struck twelve and there was nothing interesting to see.

“Have some real fun,” he raised both eyebrows as Pandora laughed.

People were coming out of the Great Dining Hall as we talked, whole groups of people with their arms intertwined, having a good time and arguing about the horribly cold temperatures. I didn't have much to do and the only other option was to go back to my room, pray it was empty and wait for the next class.

“That's a good explanation.” I said sarcastically and added after a few seconds. “I'm in.” 

Regulus and Pandora seemed satisfied with my answer and started leading the way to the tower, talking amongst themselves. The other two boys stayed at my side. They were all dressed in their respective house robes, underneath them the mandated t-shirts, however each had something that stood out. The white-haired girl wore different coloured socks, Reggie wore a black T-shirt instead of a white one under his jumper. Crouch was wearing a pair of flashy trainers of some muggle brand, which he was sure would gross his family out if they saw them, while Evan had gotten his nose pierced, apparently.

“Great, I'm sure you'll love Dorcas,” Barty linked our arms as I properly placed my bag so I wouldn't drop it. “She brings happiness to our meetings.” 

“Literally.” chuckled Evan.

My confusion grew but I didn't comment on it as they immediately started talking about another topic. They asked me fairly standard questions about my life which I answered briefly as we walked against the stream of students who had suddenly decided to leave.

As we entered the Astronomy tower, the temperature changed to a warmer and more comfortable one in a matter of seconds, something my limbs were grateful for. The room must have been sealed by a spell.

Near the edge of the tower, a black girl with long, thick braids neatly pulled into a high ponytail sat, gazing out at the scenery. I recognised her instantly.

“Are you ever on time?” Her annoyed face turned towards us, a spliff visible between her slender fingers. Her nails were perfectly painted in a pretty shade of green with white details that I couldn't see from the distance we were at.

I was one hundred percent sure that we shared several classes before the OWLs, though now I only seemed to see her in Charms, maybe Transfigurations and occasionally Potions.

“I'm sorry, milady,” Evan leaned towards her and took the spliff from her hand, taking a drag before speaking, “but we've brought a sacrifice for our ritual.” 

I rolled my eyes. Barty let go of me and sat down next to the girl while Reggie and Pandora stayed as far away from the edge of the tower as possible. I wasn't too surprised they were smoking up here, in fact it was safer than doing it in the dorms, smarter. I'd tried drugs before, between the painkillers I took after transformations in the muggle world and the people I used to hang out with back home, it was fair to say I haven’t been the smartest.

I had to learn to stop relying on them, seeing what they could unleash, mostly because my parents threatened to never let me go back to Hogwarts. But a spliff now and then couldn't hurt.

“This is Remus Lupin,” Regulus introduced us. “We've chosen him as our hostage this year, let's see how long he lasts.” 

“A Gryffindor, I see,” she lifted an eyebrow, smiling. “I've always wanted one for Christmas.” 

At the banter of the group I couldn't help but smile, in that family atmosphere that overflowed the room I found it impossible not to feel comfortable. It was nice. If anyone understood sarcasm it was me, it was my favourite defence mechanism.

“Very witty,” I settled down on the wooden floor next to Rosier, setting my bag down right behind me, “I thought I'd have to be forced to share a room with you too.” 

She cackled, passing the spliff to Barty, who had gone from sitting to resting his head on Dorcas's thighs as she began to run her fingers through his tangled brown hair.

“Do you smoke, little Remus?” 

I nodded as I fixed my gaze on the views offered by the great height. The Black Lake stretched to infinity, surrounded by mounds. Broom flying wasn't one of my virtues but I had always enjoyed flying with Sirius over that landscape, especially at night. We never told Peter or James, it was something that solely belonged to us. 

“Yeah, I do, actually,” I turned my attention back to them, running a hand through my hair.

“Oh yeah? So he's a bad boy,” Evan leaned his back against the balcony bars so he could get a better look at me. “We love 'em here.” 

I kicked his boots off when they brushed against my trousers, letting out a snort. The Slytherins here were the embodiment of what everyone thought bad people were, and better than anyone else I could understand what it was like to be judged with a simple look, despite that, I had gone by what others said and what I had always been told about the people who belonged to that house. I regretted having done so, certainly.

“Since when?” Crouch turned his head towards me with a sleepy smile. "You look like the sort of person who wouldn't hurt a fly. Well, except for the scars, how'd you get them?."

I for sure didn't feel like telling anything too personal, so I shamelessly strayed off the subject. “Don't you know it's impolite to ask that, dear Barty?” 

He put a hand to his chest as he took another quick puff.

“My sincerest apologies, my lord,” he sneered dramatically.

I heard in the background the laughter of Pandora and Reggie who had moved a little closer, he with a book in his pale hands and she simply followed the conversation with a cheerful expression.

“Do you want to try it?” she held up the spliff. 

“Yeah, sure.” I took it and put it to my lips.

It felt so good as my muscles began to loosen after a few minutes that I almost melted to the floor.

“Why do you have to look good doing everything?” Crouch heaved a sigh like a lovesick teenager and rested his face in his hands, his mocking voice ruining the seriousness with which he had begun to speak.

“Yeah, that's a tad unfair,” Rosier complained, a smirk on his lips.

I took another puff and blew the smoke into his face. "I'm literally a lanky, hunched-over white guy with nothing special except scars that deform my body."

As I handed the spliff back to Dorcas, Rosier brought his foot back up to me, causing me to glare at him menacingly, which he ignored to put his long, shapely legs across my lap.

“You're actually quite attractive, Lupin,” Regulus commented, looking up from his old hardback book. “From what I've heard, you hit it off with just about every gender.” 

I snorted, finding the situation a little ridiculous. The five of them seemed to come from a crossbreeding of the most flattering genes possible, I felt really ordinary compared to them.

“Aren't you among those people, Black?” I joked. “Because if you're not, does it actually matter?” 

“Sorry, not my type,” he grimaced, trying to hide a smile. “Rude know-it-alls aren't my thing.” 

I leaned over Evans' legs to snatch the book from Regulus, who was quicker and rapped me across the knuckles with it. “Haven't you just described yourself?”

He rolled his eyes. 

“Don't worry, you have these arselickers at your disposal.” The black girl pointed at the other two Slytherins, who looked at me with a wide grin, not bothering to deny it.

In the short time I had been with them, I had found Evan to be a rather restless boy, he had shifted his position at least three times in less than five minutes. Nothing compared to what he showed in public, being so quiet and mysterious, dangerous-looking. Barty, for his part, with a couple of strokes, seemed about to fall asleep on Dorcas's lap, defying all odds his public image as a boy with a serious hyperactivity problem and constantly looking for trouble.

“Pandora too if she wasn't interested in another lanky boy,” Barty said, earning a slap on the leg from the aforementioned girl. “Hey, I'm not lying.” 

Her cheeks were tinged with a soft pink that I found quite adorable. I preferred not to comment on it so as not to make her more uncomfortable, though I wondered who she was.

“Shut the fuck up, Crouch, or I promise you'll wake up tomorrow with no hair and no balls.” 

I couldn't help but laugh along with the others. The truth was, I had expected Pandora to be a sweet and quiet girl, she had reminded me of Alice at first, but she had a sharp personality that was not to be overlooked. That probably gave her an advantage, as no one would expect anything from that innocent look.

“We sure have been a bad influence on her,” Dorcas sighed, making her joint disappear with her wand, which they had finished a while ago.

“Don't get too big for your boots,” Pandora snorted. “I was already like this.” 

“By like this you mean insane? Sure,” Dorcas' gaze focused on me again. “By the way, Remus, I'm surprised you're not with the rest of your pack. I though it was impossible to detach Potter and Sirius from anyone.” 

Everyone fell silent and looked at me curiously, I stirred in my seat and scratched the back of my neck. I should have been prepared, and yet I was tense and dry-mouthed.

“What happened, are you kicking me out already?” I tried to ease the tension in my body. “Don't you want to share your weed with me?” 

She grinned as she rolled her eyes.

“It's a pleasure to share it with a prefect, really,” she taunted. “But I was just being nosy, we rarely have guests around here.” 

With a sigh I leaned back to look at the armillary sphere behind them.

“Um, we had a fight,” I vaguely replied. “We're just taking some time to let it all blow over, I guess.” 

“Oh, that's why Sirius looks awful,” Regulus' look was significant, his words poking at the open wound. “Don't worry, he probably deserves it.” 

That last comment was dry and harsh, I could tell he was still angry with Sirius but even so, his eyes were also shining with longing. The older brother had told me about his fight with Regulus and apparently it hadn't been resolved. I thought that, deep down, they both had a reason for feeling the way they did. I was an only child, but losing your only support in an unhinged house like his must have scared the hell out of Reggie, and rightly so.

From what Sirius had told me, his parents could easily be considered among the candidates for Azkaban for using Unforgivable Curses, but they had too much power and influence in the Ministry for that to happen. Which made Sirius's escape understandable, for all I knew, he had been the target all these years since Regulus had the shield of the perfect son. They were both consumed in their grief, devoid of conversation.

“Yeah,” I let out a tired sigh.

I didn't add anything else because I didn't feel it was necessary and I didn't feel like it either, there had been a moment during that hour with them when I had felt... normal again. Maybe this was what I needed, new friends, a fresh start with other people.

“It must annoy him that you're with us, then,” Crouch stretched, crunching his back to which Pandora grimaced. “He hates us.” 

“He doesn't know you guys,” I stated with a muffled smile. “You're nicer than you look.” 

Chapter 5: Odd Halloween

*Sirius Black*

I can't do it. 

My heart was racing like a hummingbird's flutter and sweat was breaking out all over my body. For a second I'd been foolish enough to believe that talking to my brother would be easy, but when the moment came and Regulus was a couple of feet away from me... I couldn't do anything.

The only thought available in my head was: I can't do it. 

Surprisingly enough he was alone, the timing seemed perfect. I just had to approach him and avoid saying something stupid. Easy, right? Well, apparently not so much. When my eyes met his, so similar yet so different, I couldn't stop my shaky legs from continuing their way forward. 

I am afraid. 

The indifferent look he gave me when our paths crossed weighed me down immediately, and even though I knew Regulus had this tendency not to let any emotion show, it still hurt. The kind of pain that froze my vocal cords and made it hard to swallow.

Today, October 31st, everyone seemed as excited as ever. I could hear the loud conversations of the Gryffindors from our dormitory, preparing themselves for class. Many students had embraced the muggle costume culture, deciding to dress up as different creatures, celebrities or even professors. Frank had managed to disguise himself as Dumbledore, which had even elicited a smile full of disbelief from Minnie.

Dementors, centaurs, even werewolves. When I saw that, I panicked a little, peeking surreptitiously at Remus. He looked a bit tense but nothing out of the ordinary, he'd probably already foreseen this happening. I watched as the muscles in his back rose and relaxed with each of his breaths almost imperceptibly. As it wasn't compulsory to wear a uniform today, Remus decided to wear one of his dark caramel coloured woollen jumpers, along with slightly fitted high-waisted brown trousers, as the fabric went down his long legs they became looser, ending in a flared shape.

Even if he sometimes dressed like a 70-year-old grampa, he always found a way to wear it well. Maybe it was the soft wavy brown hair, whose locks sometimes fell over his forehead, or the bright amber eyes that lit up when he was about to respond sarcastically. Maybe he was just tall. In any case, he was a good-looking lad. 

The Hufflepuff girl who sat next to him for the last hour began whispering in his ear, leaning closer to his body. Rem tilted his head to one side as if he didn't understand what she was saying. Then she put a hand on his arm...

I quickly forced myself to look away to concentrate on McGonagall's quick, pithy words. I shouldn't be so surprised, my friend was the kind of boy who had that intellectual, mysterious aura that made every girl infatuated with him, even if he didn't realise it.

I scribbled in the margins of my notebook, knowing I would still have to ask Lily for her notes even if I took mine. James, next to me, was staring at the professor with a confused frown worthy of a portrait; I let out a low chuckle and he turned to look at me.

“At least I'm trying to pay attention,” he nudged me slyly in the ribs.

Paying attention wasn't one of my greatest virtues, although I had an amazing capacity to retain information, so studying it later wouldn't be a problem. Prongs, on the other hand, needed to understand information perfectly in order to remember it later, which was quite useful when a teacher asked a question about previous years. He usually knew the answer and earned extra points for answering, if Remus didn't answer first, of course.

I chose this subject due to the fact Minerva McGonagall was the teacher, otherwise I wouldn't have put myself into the hard situation of studying this for the sixth time in a row. Her subject could be considered as difficult as Slughorns' bloody Potions. 

“I'll end up with a high mark at the end of the term anyway, Prongsie.” I jabbed his arm with the quill.

“Oh, shut up, you prat,” he grinned before turning his attention back to Minnie.

I let him concentrate in peace and watched the class, bored. I glanced at the clock, time somehow slowing down. Half an hour left to go. In any case, I kept my gaze from ending up on Remus. I really tried, I didn't want to be prying but I was irritatingly curious to know if the blonde girl still hanging around him. 

'Calm down' I told myself. My attitude becoming unnecessarily hostile.

They weren't talking anymore, though she stayed close to him, not that it bothered me but Remus seemed more tense than before, probably awkward... though he didn't do anything to move away from her.

I pursed my lips in a thin line, concentrating on my chipped table and the things other people had carved into it like a heart or something meant to be a one.

Although I know I shouldn't have, I spent the rest of the hour watching them from time to time, their small talk or the girl's rather short monologues, as Moony kept nodding and as far as I could tell only responded briefly. I didn't know why, it made me feel better.

When it was finally time to leave, Remus said goodbye to her before heading to McGonagall's table and blondy looked at him as if she was his biggest fan. Peter, who had already risen from his seat to approach us, snapped his fingers in front of my face.

“What's the matter with you? You're not cursing anyone, are you?” He raised an eyebrow before turning his head to look covertly at the girl. She was picking up her things at a ridiculously slow pace, which made me want to curse her for real. “That first time went quite badly.” 

The memory of the day we stole one of the forbidden books just to get a little curse for one of our pranks flashed across my eyes. Even though it didn't work, Minnie found out and punished the four of us for over a month.

“It was fun,” James said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

“If your definition of a good time is spending your days off tidying up the library, then I suppose so,” he scoffed before gesturing towards the door. I knew Pete had noticed that my attention was elsewhere, on Remus specifically, his expression of sympathy spoke volumes. “Let's get something to eat, I want to stop by the Great Hall before I go to Kettleburn's.” 

“Yes, please,” James grunted. “It's going to be a very tedious afternoon today.” 

Before I could look to the front of the class, again, Wormy pushed us towards the door.

“Speak for yourselves,” I held up my hands. “I did my business in my off hours in the morning, I've already suffered my punishment.” 

“True, but you're still coming with us, right?” Peter grinned. “It's Halloween, there's bound to be something wicked cool in the Great Hall.” 

I didn't need to be reminded even more of the fun things our group had lost because of me. Since we weren't going together, no one had decided to dress up, and I knew how excited Peter was about it. Seeing the longing in my friends' eyes as they looked at the other students felt as horrible as I probably deserved.

“I don't think so,” I shook my head with a funny smile, squeezing James' side before pulling away from his grasp. “I'm off to our dorm to get some rest. I'll see you later.” 

They both frowned and stopped walking to look at me. I didn't know what they were looking for in my face, but from their worried looks they had probably found it.

I tried to recompose my tired expression to something more normal. 

“Yeah, okay, we can go to Hogsmeade later,” James said not as an invitation or proposal, more as something that had already been decided, and Wormtail nodded, immediately agreeing. Before I could answer they were already leaving. “Bye, Padsie.” 

Running a hand through my loose hair, I sighed heavily, dropping totally the 'trying to pretend I'm not seconds away from collapsing ' mask. Obviously, my closest friends hadn't bought it, knowing how good I'd always been at hiding emotions. It probably had to do with the fact that we shared the pain and grief. A lost friend. When several people went through the same experience, they seemed to be able to recognise each other's sorrow with enormous ease. It had been the same with Reggie.

I had told James and Peter a tiny teensy lie, claiming that we’d had a brief conversation the moment they asked me about it. I told them how Reggie had refused to talk to me about Remus as it was ' none of my business ', so they assumed what had happened turned out to be nothing to worry about, just a small coincidence. Case closed. I really believed this was the easiest way out of the conversation.

To isolate myself from the positive energy and happiness that oozed out of the common room, I buried my face in my pillow to wallow in my shitty life.

Sleep wasn't even an option with all that was on my mind. I couldn't think of anything to solve my massive problem, which the whole school seemed to be aware of. Even Professor Sprout, who never got into trouble between students, had asked me about it.

Lily had insisted several times that we tell her what was going on, as confused and angry as could be expected, but Prongs wanted to delay the moment as long as possible. Getting angry was a logical reaction to our idiocy, but losing the friendship he'd forged with Lily after so many years of arguments and unspoken issues would surely be tough for him.

What I had to figure out now was how to get Remus to trust me again soon enough before any more relationships were damaged. He had always been so good and respectful of my situation. I had his support when I needed it most, like when he'd let me occupy his bed because at almost seventeen I couldn't sleep without having stupid nightmares... and when I told him about them, he'd scold me for thinking what I was feeling was silly.

With a soft smile he would tell me the plot of one of his favourite books to make me forget my dreams, if only for a little while, his eyes would light up, happy that I was listening to me instead of him. What he didn't know was that I did listen to him, all the time, even if he felt no one else did. I wish he knew how much I loved his whispery voice and stories.

I always wondered if I deserved that kind of relationship... friendship.

When five o'clock struck, so did my friends, but they were not alone: Marlene, Lily and Mary were right behind them with glowing smiles, their presence shedding light on a room that had been dark for days.

Colourful, patterned jumpsuits draped flatteringly over their figures, and each wore a different hairstyle: the blonde wore a small flower crown on her loose, tousled hair, Lily two long braids, and the third girl had her hair curled into a disco ball. They looked gorgeous, and even more so with the make-up Marlene had probably done on them.

In addition to the costume, they were wearing four-wheeled roller skates.

“Hey, Siri!” Mary skated over to me with a sweet smile. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I stood up to greet each of them as she wrapped her arms around me. Although Mary had always been slightly taller than me, the skates caused her to hopelessly pull me a head taller. “You look stunning, ladies.”

Lily blew me a kiss before heading over to James' bed, where she set her school bag down, right where Marlene had left hers. The blonde winked at me.

“We know,” she sat down on the bed and crossed her legs, propping herself up with her arms for support. “We kill it every time.”

We glanced at each other briefly. From the moment she and Alice had found out about the prank, Marlene had stayed away from us, upset by the situation's severity. I was sure she was afraid of what Remus was going through, of what could have happened to him. Marlene would give her life for her friends, her feelings for each of us were unique and authentic. Remus had been an important part of her life, of course she was furious.

“The redhead's best idea yet,” Mary's smile exuded joy. “Although I have to say our first idea was pretty good too: vampires.”

Peter, leaning against one of the bedposts, chuckled at James's expression. The boy had a somewhat troubled past with vampires, involving fights during the summer holidays of our early teenage years and his tendency to get into trouble. He didn't like to talk about it at all as he ended up in a big fight with his parents and that's a sensitive subject for James, long story short, he played a prank on a group of young vampires that ended up with them quite offended because he had hurt their honour or some shit like that, and in return apart from a few bruises, his house was pretty badly damaged.

“Don't tell me cool hippie skaters almost lost to vampires,” Prongs snorted. “They're the most hackneyed and unoriginal creature there is.”

He sat in front of Lily on my bed, his hair messy as usual. I tried to comb it in a well-meaning gesture that James swatted away, then intertwined his fingers with mine and gave me an innocent smile. I rolled my eyes, but didn't let go.

“First of all, vampires are brilliant,” Mary interjected, trying to sound offended, but her intention failed as she burst out laughing. She loved reading gothic fantasy novels, as did her mother, a muggle who taught literature at a school and passed on her interest in the subject to her daughter. Books like Frankenstein and Dracula took up half the bookshelf the girls shared in their room. “Secondly, we would have looked so pretty.”

“True,” sighed Marlene, who seemed delighted with Mary's idea, “Next year will do.”

Lily patted her on the back with a laugh.

“Good luck convincing Alice,” she laughed. “This idea was ten times better anyway, even if it took you a long time to learn how to skate.”

Fortescue surely took advantage of this beautiful afternoon when Frank was out of practice to spend time with him. They have been together for two years and, although many said they were too young, their relationship seemed like one of those where the spark never goes out. Like a young version of Fleamont and Euphemia Potter.

“She's finally put the floor out of its misery,” Mary scoffed, sitting down right next to Marlene, who looked insulted. I hid a laugh with a cough, enjoying the idea of her repeatedly falling to the floor. Teasing her could be considered a profession for all the time it took. “I can't believe you've never been roller skating.”

“Keep your bloody mouth shut, Black,” she threw a pillow at my face which I caught easily. “I'd love to see you with these things.”

I shrugged but didn't reply, then she turned to look at Mary, poking the girl's cheek.

“Just so you know, non muggleborns learn to ride brooms, not these arse killing machines,” the blonde grumbled as she tried not to smile. I nodded, agreeing with her. “I'm a natural now, though.”

The conversation continued between the girls and Peter, Prongs and I looked at each other. He made room for me and when I sat down next to him he rested his head on my shoulder, pressing lightly so as not to hurt me with the temples of his glasses, his eyes closed.

I tenderly stroked the curls at the nape of his neck, laying my head on top of his. “How did detention go?”

“Fine, quicker than I thought it would,” I noticed the smile on his lips as he spoke in a low voice that only I could hear. “Sluggie hates it when I touch anything in the Potions classroom, says I mess it up more than it already is, so he lets me go after an hour.”

I let out a small chuckle, silently thanking my friend for being by my side, even if this moment seemed inconsequential. The scent of Prongs was soothing, a mix of lavender and chai tea.

Speaking of the Potions teacher, it wasn't that he didn't like us, Remus had been a big influence otherwise. However, all the Potions-related pranks we've played, let's just say he didn't like them, especially the one about changing the colour of everyone's hair thanks to the vial we "found" in the classroom, which we added to all the students' drinks..... We know he thinks we are wasting his time.

“I bet he was afraid you'd steal something from him,” I joked.

“I doubt it,” he clicked his tongue. “I look like I've never killed a fly.”

“You wish, Potter.” Marlene had moved closer to us, so James lifted his head, causing us to bump into each other.

The others were on the other side of the room, rummaging through our vinyl box. Lily's eyes lit up as she took the ABBA album in her hands.

“Remus gave me that one for my birthday,” I heard Wormy say. 

I ignored the conversation, focusing my attention on the girl in front of us, who looked nervous.

“Do you want me to do your make-up?” she asked softly.

“I don't feel like it, Marls,” I grimaced, ignoring James' look.

“Come on, it'll be fun,” she pouted. “I've got some new shadows I bought in London, you're going to love them.”

Her pleading eyes asked me to join her. Putting on my make-up became a kind of ritual, a moment for just the two of us, though it started as a simple joke. She had made sure I learned all the tricks and ways to do it decently.

At the moment, I didn't feel like being reprimanded for my behaviour, even if I deserved it.

“Come on, Padsie, I'm sure it'll cheer you up,” James bumped his shoulder against mine with his typical beaming smile, I couldn't help but return it. “Then we'll go to Hogsmeade for a drink, we'll have to show off how good you look.”

The simplest definition of Prongs as a person was a ray of sunshine on a rainy day. Pure light. Supportive, courageous, loyal, empathetic and the list goes on. But all that couldn't compare to his ability to turn storms into instant calm and relief. He was an unusual kind of person with a skill that everyone should envy. It sure wasn't effortless, sometimes I could see the vacant look in his brown eyes, the worry and fear of not being enough... as if his mere presence couldn't light up the Great Hall on its own. His noble heart would be his Achilles' ankle.

“Fine,” I sighed and his smile widened. Making him happy seemed so easy.

Marlene smiled too and pulled me into the window seat, my back bumping comfortably against the cushions. She placed her bag between us, looking for something.

Prongs joined the rest of the group across the room. Waterloo played softly in the background, Lily lip-syncing with exaggerated movements as the rest of us joined her in the chorus. My heart melted with short but full happiness.

“Listen, I wanted to apologise for how I acted when you told me about what happened with Remus,” she murmured as she pulled her pencils and creams out of a small purple vanity case. “I won't take it back though.”

We stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds in silence. I frowned, confused.

“Alice talked to you, didn't she?” I said, crossing my legs and playing with the silver rings on my fingers. My hair, held by my wand in a questionable bun, had let a few strands fall into my face which I brushed behind my ears. “You don't have to apologise, Marlene, I messed up big time.”

“Yes, because she could see how badly the situation was affecting you while I've been a bit rude. Remus takes the brunt of this situation, but I still care about you and.... the way I treated you wasn't the best. This doesn't mean I'm not angry or disappointed, it means I'm going to help you work this out for the greater good.” She bit her bottom lip and leaned towards me, starting to apply some cream on my skin. “You might be an asshole, but I'm still your best friend too, you know.”

That made me smile and laugh a little. I understood what he meant, but his reaction seemed most appropriate given what he had done. I tried to joke, forgetting my earlier awkwardness, "Thank you, MK, but just admit already you're in love with me."

“Over my woman-loving body,” she snorted. “Listen to me, I...I really do appreciate you even though you're a massive git and I'll be with you to get through this. Remus won't be mad forever, he loves you too much. All three of you. It may be a flaw for him but it's also your salvation.”

We were silent for a while, she went on with her work while I thought about the possibility of Remus truly forgiving us, of our friendships returning to what it was. That was my purpose and I would accomplish it, I am perfectly capable of proving that I can be trusted.

First step, stop lying to your friends.

“Marls?” she stopped moving her hand over my face. “I love you too.”

She didn't speak and I couldn't see her face, but then I felt a strong squeeze on my right hand. She’d never been the most loving person on the planet, but she conveyed a lot with very little. Marlene had never been the kind of girl who was passionate about physical contact, so every little gesture I made had a greater meaning.

“Tell me something,” I whispered. “Anything.”

“Well, I recently learned that anyone with a little willpower and who thinks for more than two seconds can avoid committing astronomical bullshit.” She said in such a sweet voice that I didn't catch until the end that she was messing with me.

I punched her in the leg without really being able to look where I hit and she let out a laugh as we heard Prongs and Wormy's laughter from behind us. I held up my middle finger and they laughed more, I smiled again.

“Okay, calm down, your eye is twitching,” she smacked my knee again, scolding me. “Look, I'm going to tell you something interesting, I don't know how I could have forgotten to tell you. I spent two weeks this summer at Lily's house and I met her mother, a woman I would actually give my life for if I could…”

“Marlene.” I caught her attention as she began to ramble.

“Leave my mother alone, McKinnon,” the redhead snapped.

“Sorry, sorry,” she giggled. “The thing is, she had one of those cool bikes and she taught me how to ride it. Sort of.”

My eyes widened in surprise and excitement.

“Fuck, really?” I grabbed her hand. “You have to teach me.”

“This summer,” she promised, gesturing for me to close my eyes. “It was the coolest experience ever, I swear, you should come with us this year. If Lily agrees, of course.”

“Of fucking curse, I kinda have to ask permission to my parents but I'm pretty sure they won't mind,” she said.

“We should all go,” Mary added, excited.

“My sister's going to hate this,” Lily muttered. thoughtfully. “You'll have to bring sleeping bags, my house isn't very big.”

A big smile broke out on my face, Marlene squeezed my cheeks to keep my smile from smearing the makeup. I hoped to have everything sorted out with Moony by the summer, spending the holidays together would be perfect.

The soft touch of the brush on my eyelids felt like a caress, she spread different colours on it masterfully. Then, she switched to eyeliner, grabbed my chin and leaned forward to support me.

The door burst open and my eyes widened as I heard Remus' voice murmur a soft greeting. He glanced over to where Marlene and I were sitting before turning back to his bed. He shed his robes and grabbed one of his warm black jackets. I figured it was time for everyone to leave for Hogsmeade, was he going alone?

ABBA was the only thing that could be heard in the dormitory, I don't think anyone dared to breathe for the tension.

“Hey, Rem,” Lily's suddenly shy voice came to save the day. “Do you want me to save tomorrow's shift for you and me, you know, patrolling?”

I hated the tension around us, the uncertainty in each of us and the remoteness and coldness of the situation. I bit the inside of my cheek, not taking my eyes off him.

'Look at me one more time. Please look at me, Moony .' 

“I've already saved mine for tonight,” he headed for the door.

Ouch. The redhead immediately tried to compose herself from the pained and surprised expression that had flooded her face for a second, but not quickly enough for the rest of them not to notice. Even Remus had noticed.

“Maybe another day,” he added shortly after in a hollow tone.

“Yeah, sure,” she nodded looking away, her cheeks flushed.

His tight smile didn't get to his amber-like eyes as he copied her gesture before leaving.

Chapter 6: Good Company.

 

*Remus Lupin*

Halloween part II

I left Minnie's class after a quick chat with her about how my prefect duties would be cut back until she saw that I was in better physical and mental shape. As necessary as it was, I didn't like the idea of being relieved of my duties, I could do them all perfectly well. I felt better, I had my anxiety attacks under control and I could probably handle simple tasks like checking on the first years. However, McGonagall didn't agree at all with my statement, so from now on I would be limited to routine patrols in the mornings before my classes. The time when few were out of bed, least of all first years. I wasn't even welcome at the monthly meetings. Ridiculous. 

Apparently I looked "demolished" to which I replied that it was just a seductive way of introducing myself. If someone paid Minnie and Madam Pomfrey every time I said a phrase like that, they'd be millionaires by now. 

Even with my unfortunate physique, I manage to catch people's attention on the spur of the moment. For example, during Transfiguration class, Yvonne Abbott invited me for a drink. She had decided to sit next to me for an hour, and I found her charming personality and her great facility with words as surprising as her willingness to find the desire to go out with me. She had beautiful golden blonde hair, an intense lavender scent that almost made me sneeze, and bright bluish-grey eyes; she was gorgeous. 

I had already planned to meet the Slytherin boys, so I politely turned her down and offered another time to meet up. I really had no intention of going on any kind of date with anyone, she seemed satisfied with my answer.

As we talked I could feel Sirius's gaze on my back, leaving a burning sensation behind. Turning a blind eye I refused to look back, which ended up being harder than I thought. Fortunately, Minnie had always been great at keeping me focused on her.

I'd spent quite a few days thinking about the whole situation —the prank, our friendship, Snape, among other things— and I'd come to the conclusion that I didn't know what I wanted them to do. I didn't need any more apologies or pleas, or even an explanation. To put into words what I thought needed to be done would be vague because I hadn't come to a clear deduction myself.

Wait and see what happens , I thought. 

Barty, sitting on the cold floor in front of the door, had been waiting for me for who knows how long. He greeted me and jumped up, dusting off his trousers before coming over to my side. I checked out his clothes, especially the crop top that covered his chest, exposing his lower belly, as well as the long leather jacket. Somehow, his style resembled Sirius's with some slight differences. I wholeheartedly believe Sirius would die before he'd ever wear sweatpants or those flashy trainers.

“Hey, you look good,” I complimented him and he turned around to let me get a better look at his outfit, making me laugh.

“Oh, Lupin, you’re gonna make me fall for you,” he ran a hand through his chocolate hair, winking at me. “Keep it up.”

“That's the last ego boost you're getting from me this year,” I teased as we walked down the hall together. I followed him through the crowd of annoying students ready to celebrate Halloween outside Hogwarts. I used to love this day of the year, the combination of autumn temperatures and sweet treats like chocolates. I also found hilarious how people made the case for why werewolves were the best nocturnal creatures. I thoroughly enjoyed it. After Halloween the common hatred would return as if nothing had happened, everything would fall into place.

“Good thing this year is about to finish then, October's been a long arse month,” he replied as one of his arms fell over my shoulders. We fell into a small silence until he continued with his response. “I don’t know what I would do without your opinion, Lupin, truly.”

He had a relaxed expression on his face and a soft smile that showed off his gleaming teeth. From how close we were I could see the faint hint of freckles on his cheeks, less visible than mine; in addition to his long black eyelashes that highlighted his eyes. He smelled so good, like coconut and peppermint, and it wasn't as overwhelming as Yvonne's been. 

“The same I would do without yours, twmffat twp (1),” rolling my eyes I bumped my body against his.

He stopped dead in his tracks, pulling me back with him due to his grasp. I frowned and glanced at him before looking around to see what had surprised him that much. The flow of people was unremarkable, no one we could know was wandering around, I turned back to him.

“What?” he looked at me quizzically, though his smile widened. “What are you doing?”

“You speak Welsh?”

My expression froze for a second as realisation dawned on me. I closed my eyes, letting out a low sigh, before pushing him forward to continue on our way so we didn't crash into someone.

“Yes, I was born in Wales, I was raised there,” I explained. “So by default I know the language, it’s not that impressive.”

He nodded and whistled.

“You are a box full of surprises, Mr. Lupin,” he said as we glided down the corridor leading to the Slytherin common room. “I don't think I've ever heard you speak Welsh before.”

A year before I received my Hogwarts letter, my family and I moved to a town with almost no citizens near the English capital. I struggled through my transformations in a small basement, the door locked thanks to my father's magic. I would spend days at a time before I felt well enough to go out.

I remember begging my parents to come back to Wales for two summers in a row after I started studying here, to the wonderful little village I used to live in, right in the middle of a wide and colourful countryside. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

“I don’t use it much, it slips out sometimes.” I explained briefly, scratching the back of my neck.

I genuinely loved the language, but using it seemed too personal, too close to what I really considered home.

“Well you should,” he teased, trying to run a hand through my hair, so I stepped out of his reach with a tiny grin. “You make it sound brilliant, my pool Great Aunt Mildred sounds like an ogre. She keeps muttering in Welsh how much I disappoint her or so my father says she does.”

Returning to my place next to him I patted him on the back. I knew he meant it as a joke, but beneath the peculiar glint in his eye was an aura of sadness. “ Wel, rwy'n meddwl eich bod chi'n fendigedig, Barty (2).”

He cocked his head to one side, confused, asking me what I had said, to which I responded with a mysterious smile, shrugging my shoulders and quickening my pace, having to turn my head to look into his brown eyes, which were slightly regaining their former sparkle. I knew he meant it as a joke, but beneath the peculiar gleam in his eye was an aura of sadness. As if a candle behind them had been relit, hiding what for just a few seconds I had caught a glimpse of.

“Come on, tell me,” he insisted like a little kid. “If you're going to confess your love for me, let it be in English, please.”

I burst out laughing and he joined me instantly, picking up his pace to return to my side.

We arrived at a corridor that I wasn't familiar with, the flow of people and ghosts had slowed down considerably, there were even fewer paintings in this area. Barty turned me towards the corridor opposite the entrance to the room, where there was nothing but torches and lamps in sight.

“What happened?” I questioned in dismay. “Isn't it the other way?”

With a quick shush he gestures for me to follow him and walks over to a wall, a column hiding us from anyone who might pass through the corridor. He then pressed three bricks after whispering something I couldn't hear clearly, they pushed into the stone surface and a thin door appeared in front of us. He let me go through first and as we entered the tunnel with its spiral staircase, the door disappeared behind us.

“This passage leads to our dorm, it's how Pandora gets in and, well, Dorcas when she gets lazy,” he commented, a smile in his voice. Darkness filled the pathway except for a faint light coming from upstairs, as I wasn’t sure about pulling out my wand as he didn’t, so I kept it under my robe. “I don't think the Slytherins would be happy to see a Gryffindor hanging around our ‘territory’ , you know.”

I nodded even though I didn't know if he could see me. I stepped aside in the narrow corridor so that he could open the door with his wand when we got upstairs. My eyes adjusted quickly to the light as I entered the room, I was quite surprised at its size, though I should have expected it. Much larger than ours. The canopied beds, surrounded by green curtains, were set well apart, each with a desk beside it. It exuded a sleek, clean and organised look, but also personalised to their taste with all the impressive paintings signed with what appeared to be Evan's name. Each of the desks, except for the last one which was empty, was filled with characteristic things.

Regulus's would most likely be the one filled with books, inkwells and quills on yellowed parchment. The next one had different kinds of paint on a small canvas, brushes and notes stacked on one side. Evan's. And the last one had a broom next to it, medals hanging on the wall and class books on the table. It was probably Barty's.

There were also black cupboards attached to the wall where the door to the possible bathroom would be. The white walls gave the room a brighter feel, as did the several lamps hanging from the ceiling that looked more expensive than everything in my room could possibly cost.

“Oh, hey, Lupin,” Regulus appeared from that exact door looking rather knackered, he tried to share a fast smile that turned out to be a grimace. “Alright?”

“Hello, Reggie,” as the door behind us disappeared Barty took off his jacket, laying it over the chair exposing his muscular tanned arms and then sat down on what I assumed was Evans' bed. “Long day, you?”

“Kind of the same,” he settled next to Crouch, arranging his hair growing behind his ears. “Fifth grade is more stressful than I thought, I’m about to rip my hair out of stress.”

“Been there, mate,” Barty patted his back. “We should go out to drink something, it’ll do you right. Where’s Evan?”

“Downstair with Cas, I think”

“I’ll get them both,” he stood up. 

Quickly, the boy walked out the door, his footsteps audible down the hall. Reggie sighed and headed for his dresser to grab some clothes other than the uniform he was wearing.

“Your room is huge,” I told him, watching his slow and paused movements.

“Perks of being born in a filthy rich family, I presume,” he said jokingly. “This dormitory has been used by our families for decades, all the names are carved into that headboard, even Sirius was before he was elected Gryffindor.”

I nodded, turning my head to look at the pictures around me as he took off his school jumper. When I was in third year, Regulus came out as a trans to his closest friends, and Sirius ended up telling me by default. Apparently, his parents had always wanted a flawless, obedient son who would act worthy as heir to the Black empire, so they invested in their son's transition. Not without first trying some kind of nasty conversion therapy that I never asked about. McGonagall and Flitwick had helped Reggie from day one to adjust to what he was comfortable with, while Slughorn had had a harder time catching up; Reggie's friends and his brother had seen to it that everyone who knew the boy's old name forgot it, and so on and so forth. For a few days now, he'd been noticing little gestures he repeated, like loosening his shirt or covering himself with his cloak when he felt uncomfortable, which happened more often than he wanted it to.

“Can I ask you something, Remus?” he wondered in a low but steady tone, the sound of clothes sliding over his skin accompanying his words. “You don't have to answer if you don't want to talk about it.”

The last thing I wanted to talk about was the fight, inside I felt like a fizzy drink that if lightly shaken would explode in the face of whoever was in my way. 

“Sure,” my hand ran along the dark edge of the frame, noticing the relief of a snake writhing across it.

When I turned around he had moved closer, staring at the painting in front of me with a blank expression.

“I know it's none of my business, but it's more than clear that a fight couldn't have caused that much damage to your little group. Sirius has told me about fights you've had before but this time it seems that the consequence had been bigger,” his voice carefully claimed. “What happened?”

I looked at him silently for a moment, thinking that if I kept quiet long enough the moment would pass and the question would hang in the air. His gaze stopped on me, expectant.

“It's a bit complicated to explain, Regulus,” I began, my voice cracking after the second word. “Your brother and the boys don't…they don't understand the difference between what’s a funny prank and one that can hurt others. Let's just say I was the target of their latest prank and it didn't turn out well for any of the four of us.” 

It had been a very generic way of explaining it but it seemed appropriate for the moment. He simply nodded while I spoke and then remained silent for a few seconds, thoughtful.

“Sirius has always been very impulsive,” he agreed. “But I can't imagine him doing anything that would hurt you specifically. He adores you, when we were at home, he would tell me stories about how amazing you were.”

Of the whole group I probably was the least interesting considering that as a precaution most of my life had to remain a secret, and as I really hoped Sirius hadn't told him the truth about what I am, I was nothing more than the studious Remus who preferred books to people. I find it hard to believe that Sirius would find anything to brag about when it came to me. James and Peter were more in line with the kind of friends he would have. I had to maintain an image and avoid the stares of others. 

It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, I just preferred it that way. It would be for the best. 

“I'm pretty sure he meant the three of us,” I replied, ignoring the pleasant warm feeling that had started to build up in my chest. “James is the one he's closest to, not me.”

Raising an eyebrow he let out a soft chuckle, even then I could see the shadow of sadness behind his gaze. “Potter is different, he’s the brother that Sirius always wanted to have…”

Before he could continue I interrupted him. “James is like a brother to him, sure, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or prefer him to you. This isn't a competition because no one matters to him more than you, of that I have no doubt, Regulus.”

He seemed speechless for a few seconds, his mouth half open and his grey eyes trying to mask what he was feeling. I knew without a doubt that Sirius appreciated Regulus wholeheartedly, their relationship had been complicated but that didn't take away from all the love between them. The eldest of the Black brothers had put himself before anyone else after many years of torture, that didn't take away from the fact that Regulus would always be his little brother.

As hard as our situation was, I would still stand up for him in that.

“Thanks, I guess” he cleared his throat. “What I wanted to tell you with this is that his attitude has surprised me, sometimes he can be a huge prick but I never thought he'd act like it with his Moony.”

I think we were all pretty surprised about that.  

“Me neither,” I shook my head with a dry laugh. “But there's nothing I can do.”

***

After going to collect my coat from my room where my whole group of friends were and the awkward moment with Lily, plus the looks from Sirius, I think I'm more than ready to go out for a drink.

The sad look on the redhead's face had been like a wrecking ball to my defences. She looked beautiful in her costume and rather disappointed by my response. I wasn't about to tell her about McGonagall's decision regarding my prefect assignment.

I turned my concentration back to the conversation Dorcas and Barty were having about the outcome of the upcoming quidditch match in a week's time. Slytherin versus Gryffindor for the first time this year and the nerves were on edge, both of the teams had won their previous matches so everything was pretty tense. We headed towards the Three Broomsticks, the wind ruffling our hair as our noses froze. I shoved my hands in my pockets, looking through the stream of students heading to the same place as us.

“What do you think, Lupin?” Dorcas asked me, ignoring what Barty was arguing.

I hadn't been able to hear what they were saying so I had to ask her to repeat herself.

“There are rumours Sirius won't be able to play in the match, without him defending Potter we have a better chance of winning, don't you think?”

Living with quidditch fanatics has certainly made me an expert... Sort of. While it was true Sirius and James were an unstoppable duo when they stepped out onto the field, none of the victories were solely attributable to them alone. Frank, Marlene and many others were indispensable pillars in every match. 

I trusted them, my House.

“Don't take it out on James,” I scolded them, suddenly remembering Dorcas had been Slytherin's beater until a year or so ago. “And the team doesn't depend on whether Sirius plays or not, we have many great players who will surely give you what you deserve.”

The lack of democracy and equality within the team was said to have been a major factor in her departure, but not the only one, that's what everybody said.

“We'll see,” Barty sneered. “I'd we win —and we will—I promise to dedicate our victory to you.”

Rolling my eyes I let it go, we had arrived at the pub and it was crowded as usual. We sat at a table at the back, Dorcas and I on one side, Evan and Barty on the other, and finally Regulus at the head of the small table. We each ordered a butterbeer and chatted casually.

At one point in the evening someone decided to play music in the bar, probably a wizarding band although I couldn't recognise which one it was, the sound came from a radio on the counter a few feet away from us. In the space between the bar and the tables several people were standing in pairs or groups, the volume of conversations was increasing by the second.

“Oh, I love this song,” Evan looked at us one by one before pointing his index finger at Regulus, his expression playful and excited. “You, mon ami .”

Regulus sighed when he saw Evan actually getting up from his seat to approach him. Truth be told, the boy had been wearing a vacant and thoughtful expression all afternoon, surely he wasn't in the mood for this, not that the blond minded either.

“Rosier, do me a favour and sit down,” he said, reluctant to get up. “Or take your goddamn boyfriend, he'll be more excited to please you.”

Barty raised his arms in peace, wanting to stay out of their conversation. “Now what have I done?”

Dorcas and I watched the discussion with a small smile, both of us knowing that we weren't going to be the ones to join Evan. Dancing turned out not to be one of my best qualities, in fact I preferred to avoid it in any case. If I was with a group of friends I was a little less hesitant, a large enough group that I wouldn't draw attention to myself… or if I was stoned. Now I found myself perfectly at peace in this corner of the tavern under the flickering lights. 

“Don't be like that, come on, Reginald,” he pouted. “Do it for me, I'll never ask you for anything again. I swear.” 

I laughed at the name, nearly spitting out my drink, to which the raven-haired boy gave me a dirty look before tuning in to Evan.

“Call me that again and you won't be able to use your tongue again,” after that threat he stood up, the three of us still sitting at the table, cheering him on. “I'm going to find new friends.”

“Show ‘em how it’s done, baby boy,” Dorcas hyped him up, a grin on her face.

That line elicited a small smile from Reggie, who looked more embarrassed than anything else and made sure to wipe it off before heading out onto the dance floor. When they got to where the other couples were, he and Evan began to sway gently, their bodies following the upbeat rhythm of the song that was now playing. The blond boy whispered something in Regulus' ear that made him laugh, completely changing his expression again, to a more relaxed and calm one. Even if I wasn't with them, it was infectious.

“Look at him, actually having fun,” Dorcas's eyes were glued to the same spot as mine, her short nails tapping against the wooden table.

Barty turned his head slightly towards them and smirked. “Evans’ charm.”

She nodded, leaning forward, her long braids falling over her face.

“He’s been kinda peaky this week,” the girl said, picking up the crisps in front of her. “Know what happened?”

Reggie's usual sombre demeanour, which sometimes reminded me of my own, had increased enough for me to notice. 

“Not a clue, he doesn't want to talk about it,” he shrugged as he took a sip of his drink. “Maybe another letter from that monstrous wanker.”

I didn't need to be very smart to know that he was talking about his mother, that woman was a nuisance even to me.

“Does she write to him often?” I questioned, resting my arms on the table, my hands around my glass. 

“If by often you mean at least twice a month, then yes.” Dorcas gave a resigned snort. “Mainly about family matters, to remember him not to be a disgrace or stuff like that, she's bloody annoying.”

I nodded slowly, thinking about the pressure he must be feeling from everything he was going through. He looked very, very exhausted when I got to his room that afternoon, as if he hadn't slept well in weeks and it had hit him all at once.

“Yes, she insists more than ever that he behaves impeccably or does what she wants him to,” his words sounded bitter as if he understood what Regulus was going through perfectly. I had never asked myself what the families of the other Slytherins were like. If they all suffered the same constant pressure on their image. The thing Barty said about his relatives that morning went through my mind again. “I'm glad he has Evan.”

“Technically speaking, they are long-distance relatives, right?” She had to raise the volume of her voice a little so we could hear her properly.

“Yeah, they basically grew up together with the trio of barmy sisters and the now-runaway lad,” there was a hint of mockery in Barty's reply. “Evan was always there when Sirius couldn't.”

The mention of the Black sisters made me think how much they would miss recent graduate Narcissa and Andromeda, who hasn't been here for two years now. Their relationship with the Black brothers was quite strong, they were awesome women with whom I had not spoken much but I knew they would defend their cousins to death. They both were also Slytherin idols, everybody loved them, even the ones that swore they didn't. Bellatrix, the third sister, still studying at Hogwarts, was closest to the worst part of the family and therefore, the Black brothers avoided her as much as they could. 

“It's great that he had him,” that’s all I said, unable to think of anything else to answer.

“Yes,” Dorcas agreed, looking back to where the boys were still dancing. “You know? If our families weren't connected in any way or had some kind of relationship, I'd get him out of there myself.”

I could feel the truth of those words on my skin, I felt the impotence in their voices when they talked about their friend. 

“He deserves so much better,” she continued, breaking her gaze from them with a sigh. “And I don’t know if it’s gonna be better for him soon enough.”

I did not dare to ask what she meant about that last thing.

“I don't know him like you do,” I wanted to tell them I knew that feeling, I would do anything for my friends just to see them okay. Maybe even if that meant staying away... “But you do make a big difference in his life, you improve it in many ways.”

“Yeah, we know, but sometimes it's not enough,” Barty said softly, his brown eyes connecting with mine.

Dorcas leaned back, clapped her hands together, and rose from her chair, ending the conversation.

“Come on,” she tried to sound as cheerful as she could. “Let's join them.”

 

1: stupid

2: Well, I think you're wonderful, Barty

 

Chapter 7: Encounter goes wrong.

 

*Sirius Black*

The day after Halloween the whole school seemed to be more aware of other people's lives than the exams that were coming. For once in my life, I wasn't enjoying being the centre of the conversation. I'd heard a group of students in their second year comment on how they saw Remus, their flawless prefect, having a fun night with three Slytherins. They weren't even allowed out into town, how the hell did everyone seem to know that happened except us?

When we got to the bar everyone was dancing and shouting so we picked a table far away from the blaring radio. I have to say I had a great great time with my friends, even Alice and Frank joined us, for a while I felt able to not ruin their evening due to my gloominess. I didn’t see Remus, nor my brother nor his loathsome bodyguards. I danced with the girls most of the afternoon, they coordinated perfectly with their skates, except for Marlene. She had gotten too emboldened after the few skating lessons Lily and Mary had given her to know how to stand tall.

By the time we stepped in the Hogwarts entrance there were already at least four people talking about it. I obviously acted carefree, though I could feel Marls look falling into my face every couple minutes.

“I’m fine,” I rubbed my cold hands against the fabric around her arms, then squeezed gently. We stood by the stairs talking for a while longer. “I don't know if it is true and I don’t care if it is.”

A small smile formed on my lips, trying to be convincing.

“You've always been an excellent liar, Black,” she teased with an innocent smile on her lips, making me snort. “Have you lost your spark?”

I gave her a gentle nudge toward the stairs, causing her to stumble a bit in her death shoes.

I took a few steps away and she took the opportunity to skate towards me and grab me by the neck.

“Your sense of humour is as good as my lying skills then,” I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest, pretending to be pissed.

Not having a good grip, she slipped in the clumsiest way I had ever witnessed and dragged me down with her. We ended up sprawled on the carpeted floor, unable to contain our laughter, while the rest of our group, a few feet away from us, deliberately chose to ignore us. They decided to sit by the fire as they continued their conversation.

“At least I know how to brush my hair properly…or is it a new hairstyle?” she wondered in a false surprised voice tone. “Punky nest, perhaps?”

I stopped laughing and glared at her. No one could say anything bad about my hair, no one in a million years. Not because it hurt my feelings, but because there was nothing bad to point out. Not a single flaw, I treated my hair better than I treated myself.

“Fuck. You” I started to get to my feet, making a scene real quick. She grabbed my tee and pulled me to the ground again.

“Okay, drama queen,” she rolled her eyes. “Chill.”

I smacked her hand and stuck my tongue out, still staying by her side, my whole body leaning against hers. Every student that passed by didn't even pay attention to us, surely due to the obscene amount of times we both fought in a day. Predominantly because of petty nonsense, but when the fight got worse it was appreciated that the others stayed out of it.

“Promise you won't have kill yourself about it,” her tone quickly turned serious and she cupped my jaw with her warm hands, I dropped my cheek onto them and closed my eyes.

“About?” I pressed my lips into a thin line, she kept quiet, waiting for an answer. I sighed. “I won’t, I promise.”

After that, we talked for a few more minutes before returning to our dorms. I could feel little by little how the accumulated fatigue throughout the day was weighing me down like a heavy burden.

As we each made our way to our rooms, I joined Peter and James, who had already said goodbye to the girls. Our eyes fell on the same spot as we walked in, on the empty bed next to mine. Curfew would begin in a few minutes. I looked up at them, their expressions blank. 

We could momentarily forget what had happened but in the end there would always be an empty space.

We went to bed without saying anything more than goodnight to each other, and for the next few days we avoided the subject. What did we have to say? Nothing relevant, really. Something as insignificant as Remus making new friends shouldn't be a big deal and I sure as hell wouldn't share my stupid anxious worries with them, they didn't need any more weight on their backs.

At least they seemed happier today: Prongs got a letter from his mum in the morning and Wormie got a high mark in his Astrology midterm. They both looked radiant as they discussed what we would do for my upcoming birthday.

But then, as we were leaving our second class, Alice asked me if I'd had the talk with Reggie and, as the boys were standing next to us, I felt I had to continue with my lie, which I hoped would go no further. I had to make up a good, detailed, plausible story on the spot and put it together with the one I had told the boys, which I think should be considered a world record.

I told them how I had approached Regulus in the hallway and talked to him for a few minutes, making up how he explained he  needed time to think things over and that he didn't really blame me for leaving . Basically, what I would have liked to hear from him if we had actually talked. I told them how he had supposedly ignored my questions about Remus and their friendship, and how he had scolded me, saying it was none of my business. I spoke for less than five minutes in which I made calculated shifts in tone, kept my demeanour calm but not too calm, while giving my opinion on this story I had created.

Many would say telling the truth would have been the easiest thing to do, not for me though. Not when I saw their faces relax slightly and encouraged me to think my relationship with my brother was not entirely lost.

It seems I haven't lost my touch after all.

Our morning classes passed, giving way to the long-awaited lunchtime and with it came a conglomeration of students I didn't want to deal with right now.

“I forgot something upstairs,” I told Pete, shouting, the noise around us increasing rapidly. I just wanted to lie on my bed for a while. “I'll be right back.”

He nodded and patted me on the shoulder as he talked to Mary about a muggle movie called ‘Fiddler on the Roof’. I had been so lost in thought that I had missed the explanation of what it was about.

I slipped through the crowd and finally reached the grand staircase, waving to a few people on my way up. When I entered I couldn't have been happier to see the common room silent for the first time in days.

I pushed open the dorm's door to find Remus’s startled face staring directly at me. He placed the bookmark in the book on his lap without taking his eyes off me and stood still for a few seconds, as I did. We were both still in our places, nervous and silent.

“I’m sorry,” I ended up saying, slightly stuttering. “I thought no one would be here, I'm sorry.”

I felt like I was acting pretty stupid by standing under the door frame without moving a single muscle, my heart racing and my palms sweating. 

He nodded his head.

“Don't worry,” he got out of bed, book in hand, and walked towards me. My nervousness accentuated making me feel on the verge of a heart attack. I noticed how his calm voice and indifferent attitude had formed a barrier between us. “I was about to leave anyway.”

No, no, no. Stop him, now .

“Remus.” I stopped him from leaving the bedroom by extending my arm to block his exit, he was significantly taller than me and I doubted my attempt to stop him was useful at all. He could literally push me and I'd be falling down the stairs. “Can we have a word?”

“Sirius, look,” it felt incredibly embarrassing how much I've missed hearing him say my name, even if it was nothing more than a whisper full of exasperation. Wait, that sounded a bit weird, “I have class in a few minutes, I don't want to be late.”

I panicked momentarily, my heart racing. 

“Just 5 minutes,” I begged.

There was a moment of silence between us, our eyes locked on each other, again, but this time so intensely that it was impossible for me to tear them away.

“Fine,” I stopped the air I had been holding in my lungs from suddenly escaping.

I thought for a few seconds what to say, I wanted to take this opportunity to talk to him after so many long weeks. His body radiated warmth that made me want to get closer, plus the room was filled with the smell of chocolate that filled my chest with happiness, an empty cup sitting on his nightstand.

“Okay, um, first of all, I want you to know I never had the intention of hurting you. Never.” I began slowly, avoiding his gaze so I could focus on my words. “You're one of my best friends, the last person I'd want to disappoint in my life, and I know I have but I'm willing to do...to do whatever it takes for you to forgive me one day. I... I miss you, Rem, and I know Peter and James also do. I dragged them into this and… "

I noticed him take a step back and I didn't know how to take it, other than as a rejection of my words. I went blank and we fell back into a brief silence.

“They are their own person, Sirius, you don't make decisions for them.” he calmly argued. He was oddly calm, cold even, like this conversation was an inconvenience. “I don't need you to apologise. I heard you perfectly the first time. For now all I'm asking you is to give me some space.” 

Closing my eyes for a second I took a deep breath. “Is there anything I can do to…” 

“I think you've already done more than enough,” he interrupted me, raising one of his hands in order for me to stop talking. “This is not something you can fix because for once this is not about you. I'll manage on my own terms what I have to do and how. I've risked too much by trusting you.” 

“It wasn't my intention to spoil everything! I'm not proud of what I've done.” I ran my hand through my hair, panicking as this conversation wasn't heading where it was supposed to. 

“It doesn't matter, Sirius, I don't care you didn't mean to because you still did it,” his ease bothered me. I knew I wasn't the biggest problem in his life right now, his priorities were somewhere else. I could understand that. I just wanted him to care about me, I wanted to notice anything that meant I still had a chance. “You can't beg for me to tell you when everything will go back to normal because maybe it doesn't.”

Okay, maybe this wasn't the message I was looking for. 

“It's not just about our relationship, it's about my future,” his eyes showed all the anger he was bottling up. “Snape would've destroyed my life if Minnie hadn't threatened him with expulsion.” 

Anyone in a similar situation would've chosen to keep their mouth shut, but I didn't consider myself a sheep in the flock, so obviously, I replied in a rather idiotic manner.

What could I say... lately that seemed to be my speciality. 

“You seem to be getting more than well with Slytherins, maybe you could be his friend too.” 

Remus froze like he'd understood what was going on. 

“You're simply a stupid prick, Sirius Black,” he said, letting out a sigh before picking his bag from the floor. “Have a good day.” 

And he was already gone.

“Well, it could have gone worse.” Throwing myself to my bed, I covered my face with a pillow.

I didn't want to think, I needed to get away for a while. I rolled towards the edge to look under my bed and grab my broom. No one would have to know, plus the room felt sickening at this point. Whenever I felt trapped in the Noble and Abhorrent House of Black, I would go for a ride to avoid my recurrent thoughts. The wind in my hair, fluttering like a flag that heralded freedom, at least for a moment.

As I raised my gaze, my eyes fell on an object under Remus’s bed that wasn't fully covered. Leaving the broom on the bed, I sat down on the floor, but not before locking the door with a quick spell. Curiosity killed the cat, they said…

“Thank Merlin, I’m a dog, then.”

It was a normal brown cardboard box, quite large honestly, but nothing out of the ordinary. I bit my lip hesitantly but with a crippling interest, so after a few seconds of flash thinking I removed the lid. Then I would leave everything just as I'd found it and case closed, no one had to know about it.

Inside a pile of crumpled papers laid on top of a vinyl wrapped in plastic. I picked it up, gently, feeling I could tear it up from breathing on it.

I immediately recognised the cover and for a second I thought I was about to drop it. I wasn't aware people could feel so much in a short time span.

' Toujours pas de réponse ' ( still no answer).

My breathing started to quicken as I let out a low moan of surprise. I left the vinyl right in front of me because I'm pretty sure my hands were about to let it hit the floor. My body was even shaking from the impact of the record.

Reggie and I used to play it when our parents weren't home, the French artist was a muggle so it was forbidden inside the perimeter of our household. We used to sing all the songs, perform them even and the mere memory of it made my heart break once again. I missed Regulus so much. When I escaped I just took my essentials and that vinyl stayed at the Black House. I wondered if Regulus played it when I left, if he missed me after listening to the songs, our songs. Each of them had a story that resembled a moment in our lives, full of tragedy and horror but also of an odd feeling of hope. Every musical note and its twisted melodies that Reggie tried to imitate on the piano. Every time that woman's voice cracked, reminded me of how we were always forced to abruptly stop talking when our parents were around, to the screams that had always filled our home. When Remus came that same week to visit, I told him about it... and he had remembered and bought it. This kind of ugly crying couldn't even be legal, for Merlin's sake.

“I’m so sorry,” I picked up the album again and hugged it to my chest, my knees up as well. I didn't know who I was begging to forgive me, my words were intelligible. Many people in my life deserved more than an apology, words didn't change anything at all, still at the moment the only thing I could do was crying. “Please, forgive me.”

After a few long and exasperating minutes of solely sobbing until I felt empty inside, I placed the disc right where it was, pushing the papers aside a little, fearful of what would be written on them.

With a deep breath I chose the one closer to me.

‘Dear Sirius,
I hope this brings you as much joy as you…’

His writing thickens as he pressed the quill too hard against the paper. I quickly moved on to the next one.

‘You know, I’ve never been good at this but I just wanted you to know how much…’

I cleared up my eyes with the back of my hand, though the tears kept coming out as I read the unfinished sentences Remus wrote for me.

‘I wish you a very happy birthday, fy ser…’

The last breath I took shattered and my heart ached as if I had just been stabbed. My whole body tingled, a burning sensation filled me entirely as if someone had just set me on fire. The letter fell to the same place where my soul was at that moment, on the floor full of tears caused by memories. Memories that would never happen again.

Nicknames were a big thing in our group but with Remus everything was just a little bit more personal. When I was with him everything was easier, why would I decide to exchange my friendship for the momentary feeling of 'revenge'. 

I didn't know what I would've done without those that brought me most of my wondrous moments of pure happiness, though it seemed like I couldn’t do anything but push them away with my bad word choices and ridiculous acts that do nothing but harm. Directly and indirectly.

Afraid as I was, I decided to reach for another. The last one , I told myself. 

‘Dear Sirius,

Though you're a pain in the ass, you've also made the worst of times less horrible. What can I say? What would the moon do without his star?

Hope you have the best of birthdays.
Yours, Moony.’

Yep, I think it is enough self harm for today.

When I finished picking everything up and placing it back in its place —except for that last note I hid under my pillow—, I stood up. I felt sick to my stomach, dizzy as if I was about to wipe the floor with my face, the unpleasant tingling sensation hadn't gone away. I sat on my cold bed and glanced momentarily at the broom I almost sat on.

Perfect moment for a ride before afternoon classes.

Opening the window, I stood carefully on the sill, staring directly at the distant ground, my stomach twisting with fury and nervousness. The feeling I had for the first time while riding my broom had remained the same to this day, the adrenaline and the burn felt just as intense as the first time I held a broom in my hands.

My eyes dropped closed as my body leaned into the void and I began to quickly fall. The air held me back, preventing me from kissing the ground instantly, before I took control of my broom and started to fly towards the Black Lake. Tears began to fall down my cheeks, I didn't know if it was because of the strong wind or because of everything that had happened just a few minutes ago, but they blurred my vision, so after a few more slow laps around the dark body of water, I decided to land near the quidditch training field without having caught sight of a very angry McGonagall rushing to catch up with me.

“Sirius Black!” her angry voice made me shrink where I stood.

 I raised my arms as a sign of peace, leaving my broom behind me on the floor. Thanks to the strong wind my eyes looked misty due to the ride, not because I'd been crying for a while. “I swear I did nothing,”

“Weren’t you the one flying around without authorised permission and/or adult supervision?” She looked at me, tilting her head a little, her glasses sliding down her nose.

Honestly I had lost my desire to argue, the sense of loss and emptiness could not be solved even by a good fight.

“Professor, I swear I have a reason,” my tone as low as my will to continue this conversation.

Her look had become more concerned than anything else, I could take advantage of it and lie out of the conversation but I knew it wouldn't sound convincing.

“Okay, tell me,” she crossed her arms and stretched out a leg in front of her, her favourite pose to do. At that moment, my lip already tasted of blood since biting on it had torn the skin.

“Helps me clear my head when…” I murmured low and probably intelligibly.

No need to add how much I hated talking about it, the need to escape from myself, from my self-destructive thoughts, had become more common than anything else. Every day as soon as I woke up they surrounded me in an attempt to constrict me like a boa. Any good day I couldn't wait for something terrible to happen. Sometimes I thought I wanted it, like it was so usual that I panicked about losing the one thing that was constant.

“Excuse me?” she came closer, her voice softer.

“It helps me to clear my head when I’m overwhelmed,” that came out of me like the truth that had more weight inside my body.

“Everything alright, Sirius?” The tone in which she spoke made me feel as if I was going to cry at any moment and I wasn't at all excited about that.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” some Hufflepuffs were coming onto the field, I could see them talking happily in the distance.

“Does it have to do with your parents?” The hand she put on my shoulder so that she could give me a couple of caresses on my neck, made me almost collapse.

If a letter from my parents arrived I would throw it directly into the blazing fire in the common room without even reading it, I didn't need their bullshit lectures and demeaning words.

“What? No, nothing to do with it,” I assured with a ragged sigh and my gaze lost in the background, fixed on the castle.

Now I was surely going to my bed, I didn't share the next class with Remus, even so, I didn't feel like seeing Peter or Marlene either.

“Okay, let it be the last time you do that without my permission,” she gave a light squeeze before releasing me. “Now go to class.”

I nodded a few times, “Yes, m’am,”

I picked up my broom from the floor, then walked away from her at a brisk pace. I didn't dare to look back, I hoped she wouldn't see me with more sorrow than I already had accumulated because at this rate I'm sure she would cry for me.

“Sirius,”

I turned very slowly at her call, still standing with a frown and a tired expression. I didn't answer but waited for her to say something to me, for her to speak.

“You know you can talk to me whenever you need, alright?”

A small smile of sincere appreciation formed on my lips, which she gladly returned. I adored this professor over anybody else, she has helped me so many times I had lost count.

“I know, thank you.”

She nodded, without saying anything else went in the direction of the forest keeper cabin. I stared at her in silence for a few seconds, thinking about the day when I'll be able to talk to her about what's wrong with me, maybe she can help me... maybe it's already too late.

Chapter 8: Locked doors, locked passages.

*Remus Lupin*

The situation definitely filled me with rage, though also with some sort of satisfaction. If Sirius didn't like me being friends with his brother, it was his bloody problem and better still, he deserved to feel as bad as I had been feeling for the last few weeks. The last anxiety attack I'd had was a few days ago, just as I arrived from the Three Broomsticks, an inexplicable slump hit me.

I stayed in the toilets for a couple of hours until I finally calmed down, and got to my room at about one in the morning.

All afternoon I'd had a really good time with great people, but for some reason I'd felt guilty about being there with them. It had been a full-blown mental breakdown caused by pure thoughts that kept getting stuck in my head and I couldn’t find a way to get rid of them. And now Sirius was saying he felt bad about it, which surprisingly didn't accentuate the feeling of guilt or at least not too much, most of it had turned to anger.

I huffed under my breath as I made my way to my next class, my blood boiling from the beginning to the end of it, I couldn't even think straight. Professor Flitwick's voice crept into my thoughts from time to time, interrupting the long queue of insults I was heaping on a certain undesirable person with an irritating unreasonably high sense of their own importance.

Thank Merlin, we didn’t share this class, that would have turned me into a ticking time bomb. I let out a sigh as my clasped hands squeezed together in an attempt to relieve my tension.

Evan sat right next to Pandora, behind Dorcas and me. My sullen attitude had elicited strange looks and numerous questions about my emotional state. I had merely smiled falsely and nodded my head.

At the end of the class, I turned to them and told them I would see them in a little while. It was a real relief not to have anything but a class after lunch, unless I had to go to one of my extracurriculars, because frankly the frustration wouldn't let me think. 

I had to return a book I had been trying to finish for weeks but was struggling to read. I didn't know if it was because of my emotional ups and downs or the arduous content of the Transfigurations book, so I was going to leave it and pick it up another time. 

On the way to the library I got distracted by my excessive thinking and bumped into someone, dropping the books they were holding on the floor.

“Fuck,” I blurted out, looking up to meet Yvonne’s eyes. “Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.”

I adjusted my backpack over my shoulders and bent down to help her pick up the books, offering her an apologetic smile. 

“Oh, Remus, it's alright,” I noticed her cheeks flush slightly as dimples formed in her cheeks from her smile. Her thick blonde hair fell over her shoulders and as she bent down to pick up the last book in the pile, it fell over her eyes. “I was distracted too.”

With a wave of my hand I dismissed the matter, I was the one with my head in the clouds.

“I guess I'll see you in class,” I said with a nod after helping her place her books more securely to avoid dropping them.

“Yeah, well, I wanted to ask you if you're free on Friday, after the match.” Her cheeks turned a deeper pink, I found it somehow endearing. My anger went down a bit, I didn't want to turn down her request again. “Nothing serious, just going out for a drink in Hogsmeade.”

She was beautiful, charming and seemed like a nice person, why couldn't I like her? Not that dating was within my options or possibilities given my condition, it would be dangerous and unfair for them to have to be constantly aware of my troubles. Dealing with lycanthropy was as much a martyrdom for me as it was for those around me. I wished Miss Pomfrey and Minnie weren't constantly worrying about me, that my friends didn't have to look after me, or that I could just be myself one hundred percent, no lies.

I couldn't date anyone and that had been made strictly clear to me from a very young age but if I could fall in love and be requited, it wouldn't be for a impertinent, irritating and conceited person.

“Yeah, sounds good to me.” I agreed.

“Great, we'll work out the details,” her grin widened. “I'm meeting Sybill to study and I'm already late.”

I remembered the stooped girl with the thick-rimmed glasses and the many times she had been punished for trying to get paid to read the future to students or frightening those who messed with her with terrifying omens, which I did find entertaining. She was a year behind us but that Ravenclaw had a talent for selling her stories.

“Good luck, bye.” I waved my hand as I got into the library.

***

When I had finished choosing some lighter reading, I headed straight for the Slytherin common room, avoiding the more crowded areas of the castle. On my way there I found Dorcas in the corridor, leaning against the wall a few feet from their front door as she fiddled with her wand, moving it between her nimble fingers.

“Hey, Dorcas,” her gaze lifted immediately and she stood up so quickly that she almost fell forward. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, why would you ask that, Remus?” I narrowed my eyes as those words came out of her mouth, including a fake laugh at the end of the sentence. Also, she pronounced my name in a very odd, strangled sort of tone.

“You seem kinda nervous,” I stood in front of her and turned my head in the direction her eyes were going every few seconds. The closest thing you could find near this place was one of the entrances to the kitchen.

“You have that effect on me, babe,” she winked at me, my immediate response was to raise an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Sure I do,” I said at last, letting it go. “I'm off with the guys, are you coming over?”

She seemed to be waiting for someone, her enthusiasm noticeable to the naked eye considering that the Dorcas I knew was a very restrained person.

“I’ll catch you up later maybe,” she shrugged with a soft smile. In her eyes you could see a certain excitement no matter how hard she tried to camouflage it, they gave off a faint peculiar gleam of happiness. I was a little curious as to who she was meeting but we weren't that close and honestly it wasn't my business. “You know the password, don't you?”

If there was one thing I hated it was feeling stupid, but on this occasion I had certainly been more than stupid.  I knew the password to their common room, which is "pureblood", as unoriginal and not very modern as one would expect, but I couldn't just barge in.

“I... not really,” I scratched the back of my neck.

She stared at me for a few seconds, waiting for me to tell her it was a joke, her gaze shifting from happiness to disbelief.

“Were you planning on going into that basement full of snakes, Lupin? Are you mad?” she smacked my arm rather hard before dragging me towards their passageway. “Come here, you mess, you have no idea how dangerous some of those people are and I mean it, they're very territorial and won't hesitate to attack if you threaten their space, especially Snape's clique.”

I didn’t want to think about that person at all, he’d my life in his hands and no one knew what he'd do with that information.

“Well, I do know the common’s room password,” she tightened her grip on my arm so I pulled free as best I could, thank goodness she wasn't wearing her long nails anymore. “What?! How do you think we used to manage to pull pranks?”

“I guess that makes sense,” she sighed and craned her neck for a second to see if there was anyone else around us.

I hid behind the column, sticking my right side of my body to the wall.

“Okay, listen, first the password was ‘Reggie's an arse’ —I know, super clever— but Regulus thought to change it to something in French because he found it much more complicated for people to decipher and because he's easily offended.”

I smiled as I nodded my head. I could just imagine Regulus using that passageway having to use that password, I'm sure he'd later told the boys off.

“But I suppose you don't know any French, don't you?”

“My French could be considered a direct attack on France,” I joked, though in a way it was true. I had tried on numerous occasions to speak French to please certain people but I soon gave up, that language was not for me.

“Well, Barty and I weren't prodigies either but Evan and Reggie managed to keep us from making complete fools of ourselves,” she commented in a tone full of affection.

I laughed, shaking my head. “They've tried it with me and believe me I'm better off.

“Are you good at repeating?” she asked me, poking her head out slightly again.

You couldn't even hear footsteps from how far away this was from the busiest area.

“Like a parrot,” I mimicked her movement, covering whatever I was looking at, she frowned.

In general, languages did really appeal to me, French was my exception, I couldn't physically or mentally cope with the language. The worst thing was I loved listening to it, I found it melodic and undeniably attractive.

“Well, you just add a little accent and you'll get it, ready?” I didn't feel at all capable of imitating her but I nodded anyway. “ Je suis con. ”

She said each word slowly and with impeccable pronunciation, anyone would say it was her first language.

And now it was my turn.

“Je suis con,” I tried my best to imitate her but my vocal cords were not up to the task.

She started laughing quietly and when she started it seemed she couldn't stop. I tried to keep her laughter at a low volume but she wouldn't stop until I got tired and kicked her near the knee. I really hoped she didn’t want to be a teacher.

“Dorcas,” I whispered loudly. “Relax already, what's so funny?”

She took a breath of air and, at last, decided to curb the fit of laughter. She gave me two gentle pats on the cheek before leaning next to me on the wall, placing her whole back against it.

“I don't know if I was more amused by your pronunciation or by you calling yourself an idiot.” Her sweet smile didn't stop me from giving her another kick, for which she groaned and then kicked me back.

I snorted, crossing my arms as she tapped her index finger on my arm. “You’re like a toddler.”

“Okay, seriously now,” she raised her arms in peace, the sleeves of her dark green jumper rolled up slightly, revealing a small silver bracelet that I thought I'd seen on someone else as well.

“I'm always serious,” it sounded slightly like a complaint, yet I kept my expression as firm as I could.

I considered myself a focused and conscientious person but serious perhaps not so much, only when it was necessary even if inside I was laughing my head off.

“Yeah, for sure, Lupin,” she shook her head as she mimicked my crossing my arms. “First you have to hit these three bricks in a zigzag and then with confidence you say: Passez vite ou les serpents vous attraperont. ”

“That's a long one, you could do it for me…” I managed to say before a noise coming from the corridor shut us both up at once. Dorcas seemed to get even more nervous than at the beginning of our conversation and gave my arm a squeeze.

“Remember: Passez vite ou les serpents vous attraperont.” She repeated once more. “I believe in you, Remmy Rems.”

With another smile she left toward whoever was in the corridor.

What kind of nickname was that?

I waited a few seconds repeating what I had caught of the phrase in my mind. I didn't hear her speak or her companion either, I only heard her footsteps walking away, so I would no doubt ask her later who this mysterious person was that made her so nervous.

It had all been very stupid in the end because I could have simply asked her to open the passage for me.

I let out a breath and hit the three bricks which immediately moved. Great, first step done. Now the French.

“Passe u les serpents vous attraperon,” 

Nothing happened, the wall returned to normal with a little creak, mocking me to my face. I closed my eyes and tried again, adding an exaggerated and sincerely pathetic version of Dorcas' accent. 

Nothing.

“This is ridiculous,” I muttered to myself before pulling my wand out of my robe to try one of the recent spells I'd read up on thanks to McGonagall's recommendations. “Aperi viam meam.”

I waited for a few seconds, expectantly. Then came the moment when the bricks began to disappear in front of me and after making sure I was still alone, I stepped into the darkness of the passage.

I turned to watch it close again and then conjured up a dim light, the spiral staircase was of a granite-like stone covered in dust; yet it still had the elegance that the other passages did not.

When I reached the top I knocked on the door, heard the conversation inside cut off and careful footsteps approached my position. Seeing that no one was opening from the inside I decided to turn the knob myself to find three wands pointing to my face.

“Fuck, Remus,” everyone relaxed immediately. Their faces had for a second the same menacing stares, the coldness and aloofness they normally showed to people they didn't know and the contrast to who they really were was brutal.

There had been a big change between the day we met and our current relationship, but even so, if I stopped to think about how they had treated me from the beginning, they'd have been strangely kind and certainly approachable. Had I been an exception because Regulus had known me before?

“I said I'd come by later,” I replied in my defence.

“We're not used to people knocking on the door,” Evan shrugged and went to lie down on his bed, upside down, his feet on the pillows. “Dorcas and Pandora slam the door so we weren't sure who you were.”

I nodded, standing next to Regulus.

“Actually, I don't remember giving you the password,” Barty picked up a couple of pillows that were on the floor, taking a seat next to the blond. “How did you get in?”

“Dorcas gave it to me, or at least tried to,” I grimaced, creating a reminder that this time I really needed to get away from that bloody language. “But I recommend you try a little harder to protect that entrance, I don't speak French but I can read and in the library books there are several spells that easily pass your security method.”

“Very well, smarty pants,” Reggie grabbed a chair from the desk behind him and sat down with the back of the chair facing forward. “I'll take a look at it as soon as I can.”

“We could retrieve the last password,” Evan proposed, mockingly.

Regulus raised an eyebrow and held up a finger, pointing at his friend, “I know your imagination doesn't run wild but don't take it out on the others.”

“Bore,” he complained, rolling his eyes.

“If you want I can help you devise a new method of protection,” I offered, leaning against one of the bedposts. 

The younger one smiled as he nodded his head, pleased by my proposal. Charms was a subject that really caught my attention and I've always been more partial to it than the others.

“By the way, Rem, how are you feeling?” Evan questioned poking his head over Barty's shoulder. “You looked rather stressed in class earlier.”

I avoided their gaze and for several long seconds, as the decision to tell them about myself terrified me, I tried to measure everything to the maximum. Every glance we shared, every time they used a nickname on me, that they had a bead on me for a plan, such a pleasant sense of peace formed in my chest, still I didn’t find myself able to take such a big step. 

I never thought I could make new friends, that other people would accept me like James, Peter and Sirius had. I wanted to try to be worthy of the friendship they were offering me, of this place in their lives that they were making me a part of, but the scary feeling always remains.

“Yeah, I needed to calm down, I've had another argument with Sirius,” I stated, throwing my head back. My voice cracked mid-sentence. “Your brother's a bloody arsehole, Regulus.”

A truth as huge as the biggest quidditch stadium. 

“Tell me something I don't know,” he replied with a mocking tone, we looked at each other and I could see the understanding in his gaze even if I’d not told them anything specific.

“Apparently he doesn't like us being friends,” I explained, using my hands to gesture, taking some of my nervousness out of my body. “Who does he think he is? It’s not even his business.”

I took a wide breath of air, holding the oxygen in my lungs for a few seconds in which I felt a slight pressure in my chest that on the other hand, relaxed my mind.

“It baffles me that after what he's done he thinks he has the right to say those things to me,” I continued, finally dropping my arms to my sides in surrender.

“Your eyes gleam when you talk about him, you know?” he’d analyse me from head to toe before talking. “It has happened twice already.”

I immediately became unnecessarily nervous, my hands were sweating and the heat rose quickly to my neck. That needed to be a lie, I wanted it to be one.

“I don't know what you mean by that. I'm just angry,” I justified myself poorly in the face of that accusation. “You Blacks are strange people.”

He huffed but stayed quiet for a bit more, expecting me to say something else in response but I just couldn’t, my throat felt dry.

“Do my eyes sparkle when I talk about you?” Barty asked Evan, who was still leaning on the chestnut's shoulder so he had to turn his head slightly to meet his eyes with those of his beloved. I could tell how the blond was trying to hide a smile, trying to put on a grave expression.

I mentally thanked Barty for saving me from having to confront something I didn’t want to even think about.

My attention focused on them, on how their hands were placed on top of each other, their bodies reacting to each other with complicity, their gazes... It was enviable to find that so soon.

“Like two black holes, Crouch,” the answer came out naturally and with a hint of affection that made me smile.

Barty, as typically dramatic, put his hand to his chest and opened his mouth, offended to the core. 

“This is exactly why we can't have nice things,” he complained before Evan whispered something in his ear, to which the chestnut reacted by pushing him away but with a laugh.

“That's what they're like all day round,” Regulus informed me. “I can't explain how people who look like they're going to stick a knife in your back can be so loving.”

“The package does not define the content, my dear and jealous rattlesnake,” Barty pointed out in a tone that sounded like he was giving Regulus the lesson of his life, who did nothing but roll his eyes. 

I couldn't pass up the nickname the chestnut had used, bursting out laughing since I hadn't expected it, “Rattlesnake?”

The name surely was far more clever than their passwords.

“His bite is deadly, just as his words,” Barty leaned back, over Evan, who straightened up so they were both comfortable. Barty's back against his chest and even if it was the most normal thing in the world, I struggled to hold back a smile of pure happiness. I would never admit that I was a hopeless romantic, I guess those who say we crave what we can't have were right.

“The kid is just plain rude,” the blond said.

“For starters, I'm not rude, I'm extremely honest about what I think and I just blurt it out,” he argued, and I could see myself in his words. “And secondly, we weren't talking about me, we were talking about Remus and my brother.”

Back in the viewing centre, I finally sat down on Reggie's perfectly made bed, then lay down looking up at the ceiling.

“Instead of getting angry about that and commenting on what a big prick your brother is, we could do something... fun,” Barty's words caught my attention and I turned my head in his direction, at the same time pushing back the strands of hair that fell over my eyes. “You know, we could make our relationship known, for once, I think it's about time people know how fortunate you are, Rem.”

“You'll go a long way with that confidence, Crouch,” I teased.

Behind the jokes was a huge truth that I didn't know if they could really see. How much I had changed in a couple of weeks, how my mood had improved considerably and my anxiety reduced... it could all be considered credit to them.

“Listen, Remus, if you really want to, and since I'd be really looking forward to it, someday at lunchtime we can do a uniform swap, you wear Slytherin and Evan wears Gryffindors.” His proposition made me hesitate for a second, thinking about the reaction of my whole House.

It was clear to me that it wasn't going to be to either House's liking to see me in a uniform that wasn't mine, and something about that little commotion that would form was what made me want to go through with it.

“Yeah, why not?” I smiled, running a hand through my hair. 

What I saw was Evan's reluctance to wear my House uniform, with a look full of surprise and disgust, he grumbled several times.

“Why me?” he repeated for the third time, looking at the boy above him waiting for an answer. “I have to dress up like one of those superhero wannabes. No offence, Lupin.”

I raised my arms, shaking my head unconcerned. The rivalry and dislike between our Houses was more than usual, generational in fact. Since we'd met I'd done a great job of destroying prejudices I held in my head about them. “Understandable.”

Ever since I was a child I had seen Gyffindor as flawless and impossibly perfect, full of flawless beings of light. Obviously, that was nothing more than an exaggerated idealisation that did nothing more than raise our hackles.

“All right then, let Reggie do it,” the boy agreed.

Regulus immediately shook his head. “I'm not letting that shield touch my skin and who knows what happens if my parents find out.”

The motive was reasonable enough, the last thing I wanted was trouble for them. The black haired man's expression changed slightly, his brow furrowed and his mouth pulled downwards, all of it not very noticeably but present.

“Guys, you don't have to do this,” I raised myself up on my forearms. “I don't want to get you in trouble, I’ll just sit with you and...”

“Trust me, what I do here is the last thing my parents are interested in,” Barty’s voice didn't sound very convincing, but it was somehow serious enough to stop me from pursuing the subject.

“You wear that uniform, Crouch,” Evan insisted, pinching the boy on the arm. 

“My back and muscles could stretch his clothes, we can't let that happen,” he winked at me and while it was true that Barty was more muscular than me, that was overdoing it. “You're as sexily lanky as he is, you do it.”

Evan looked at the three of us one at a time until he turned back to me. “Just so you know those colours don't suit me at all.”

Notes:

Hello, luvs, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I wanted to announce that in the next chapters there will be new points of view that I'm really exited for you to read, you'll see in a few weeks.

Have a nice day. <3

Chapter 9: Je Te Laisserai Des Mots.

*Regulus Black*

The Room of Requirement appeared before me, the stone wall changing into the humongous door I haven't seen in a while. Wiping the sweat from my hands on my trousers I hadn't even had time to iron, I let out a nervous sigh. 

I stepped forward, in my head I was analysing every possible outcome for tonight, the choices I had were limited: running away or facing the situation. As tempted as I was about returning to my dorm, I promised to myself this would be my last meeting with him. Just to make things clear about our relationship, that was the only reason I was here. 

The first thing that hit me as I entered the large room was the aroma of chai coming from the table in front of the boy sitting on an old brown sofa, right in the centre. The way my body immediately relaxed from the pleasant smell and familiarity felt embarrassing at best. 

“I was afraid you wouldn't come,” he got up from his seat heading to where I was as I hadn't moved since the door closed. I held up a hand for him to stay in his place. “Is everything alright, Reggie?”

“We'll figure it out eventually,” I murmured to myself before daring to look straight into his brown bright eyes, preparing myself for the fluttering feeling in my chest at the reverence with which he looked at me. “What’s so important you had to bring me here so late?”

When I left my room I didn't think my body would last long on its feet, my days were long and generally stressful, my chores as a prefect, my classwork and extracurriculars took so much of my time I barely had time for anything else; but the moment I stood a few feet away from the door I felt as awake as at noon. 

Lately I've been feeling more sensitive and irritable about life, I've been having unnecessary fights with my friends, giving them the silent treatment for no reason. I don't know what’s going on with me. 

“We're busy people, love,” he said, making me so stupidly excited I ordered myself to calm down and shot him a menacing glare. “Right, I always forget you don't like pet names.”

That was actually incorrect. I didn't dislike them, I just wasn't used to them and didn't intend to. Possibly it was just uncomfortableness provoked by minimal show of affection, like hating being touched. Nothing out of my common behaviour. 

I'm fine. 

“What do you need to talk about?” I questioned again, ignoring his words.

With a gesture that was meant to be elegant and inviting —and came off more brusque than anything else— we both approached the couch, which could do with a couple of washes. I hid a smile as he seemed to be tremendously embarrassed, he acted way too clumsily to be a lad who excelled at sports. He kindly passed me a cup of chai, the sweet smell hugging my whole body. 

I tried to remember what I was coming for so I wouldn't fall for his nonsense one more time. The thing I hated the most about him was the way he made me like him, every single stupid, little, unimportant thing he did… I loved it all. 

“It's been a while since we talked last and,” we were each on one side of the sofa, a distance that made things even more tense. “I wanted to ask you about Remus, do a little check.”

His soft voice echoed in the room, his eyes lost even as they stared at me. Remus was a friend of his after all, I only knew what the boy had told me but it was obvious that they were all grieving over what had happened, though it had all the appearance of being much more complicated than I had been given to understand.

“James,” I managed to say before he interrupted me, he had put his teacup back down on the table, hugging his legs to his chest. 

“I know you think it's none of our business, I understand that.” One thing everyone should know about James is that once he's started talking it's really hard to make him stop. “I'm sure you know what everyone’s been talking about after Halloween night, how Remus is failing his House by hanging out with you. It's absolute nonsense, but my point is that night I saw my friend happy after weeks of being alone, Reggie, he was dancing and he hates bloody dancing. I haven't seen him smile like that in a long time. None of my friends saw you but I happened to and I didn't tell them because I knew they were going to make a bigger deal out of it than it really was. I love them all, but I think Remus needs this time for himself.”

I had definitely seen Remus happier and that made me extremely happy, and as much as Barty and Evan didn't want to admit it, he too had had a positive influence on our lives. Lupin was easy to grow fond of. At first they didn't understand why I had agreed to do it, though it was true she was a very convincing woman, that wasn't the reason. We wretches recognised each other, still I have to admit I thought it wouldn’t last. I argued with the boys and I know they accepted it because of me, but now I'm sure they considered him their friend.

We never told Dorcas or Pandora and obviously I had promised not to tell Remus, too troublesome to explain.

“I've known that boy for years and do you know how many times I've seen him integrate into a group so quickly and so well? Never in six years. It took him months to feel completely comfortable with us,” he chuckled, shaking his head, his fringes falling over his eyes. “You have the power to make people happy, I fervently believe that.”

“Me? You've made making people happy your full-time job. I don't do any of that, rest assured.”

He shrugged.

“Maybe the magic is that you don't do it consciously, you're innately perfect, Regulus Black... though not perfect like the image you strive to maintain, not like your parents expect; you are when you put all the lies aside and actually smile and laugh and joke. Or use your sarcasm. Perfect when you stop pretending you're flawless,” he said, and I didn't know if he was complimenting me or outright insulting me. “I'm just a simple, devoted people-pleaser.”

I didn’t know how to respond so instead I nodded and went back to our topic.

“Well, just so you can sleep: Remus seems fine to me, he doesn't want to talk about it, and we understand.” I cleared my throat and looked away. “He's trying to keep busy, I saw him doing a bloody animal puzzle with Dora the other day; I don't know if he's getting better but if he isn't, he's hiding it really well.”

He, like me, nodded and picked up his cup of tea again.

“Umm, how's Sirius?” I asked after a few seconds of sheer silence. His birthday was in a few days and we had never spent one without being together for at least a few hours. Last November we went to the Black Lake at dusk, just talking, laughing about our family dramas but happy to have gone through it together. I love that you, of all people in the world, are my brother, he told me before he left and I believed him. I had felt so safe and happy by his side, now I looked back and wondered at what point he made the decision to leave. I wasn't quite sure if he cared as much about those moments as I did, but I missed the damn shithead so much.

“If I’m honest, I don’t know, Reg, he says he’s fine or he’s as expected but he never really wants to talk about it,” desperation seeped through his voice, he frowned and looked a point away, something he had become accustomed to do in order to continue his train of thought. “Although after you both talked, he…”

That phrase immediately caught my attention as Sirius and I had not engaged in a conversation for months. He didn’t even seem to want to look at me when we crossed the halls. 

“Talk? What do you mean?” I interrupted him, leaning back against the soft backing that seemed to want to swallow me.

He turned to me too, cocking his head to one side, remaining silent for a few seconds without taking his dark chocolate eyes off me.

“Yeah... yes, he told us you two had a conversation,” he explained, somehow coming a little closer.

I ignored the position and the heat it conveyed and the feeling of wanting to cling to him. Absurd. I couldn’t, it was wrong.

“The last time we talked was in the summer,” I replied, running a hand through my hair and then grabbing my shirt collar and loosening it a little, feeling it too tight against my body. “Why would he say that?”

It wasn't anything serious but it was strange to me my brother would lie about this, it was no secret to anyone that we had argued, in fact it was very common between us to fight every week about something, siblings day to day life.

“I don't know anymore, Reg, I don't know anything at all it seems.” his tone sounded really desperate. Friendships within his group didn't seem to be going well at all since Remus had left. He told me they were more distant from each other than ever and was frustrated he couldn’t find a way to fix it. He always tried to be the glue that held everything together but sometimes it wasn't enough, sometimes you had to let go for everything to be okay. “Everything is bloody weird right now, I just want things to go back to the way they were.”

I’d never been good at comforting anyone, I was more of a solution giver than a supporter. I couldn't think of anything this time though.

“It's like I’m slowly losing control over my life and it's so scary,” his voice came out as a whisper as if raising his voice would make things worse.

I don’t know how to react. Frozen in my seat, the cold tea in my hands, I started thinking to myself. I’m the wrong Black for having a conversation about life crises, I’ve never been able to handle one.

“I don't think there's anything I can do to fix it,” I pressed my lips together. “It'll all work out, I guess.”

He let out a nervous laugh. “What if it doesn't?”

Andromeda would have had the best answer to this situation, she had what they called 'emotional intelligence', in fact she was the only one in the family who I was sure had that gift. She was the one who always advised me wisely, she had left less than two years ago and we hardly heard from her. Our parents wanted nothing to do with a 'traitor' as they called her. I missed her too.

“Then you'll have something important to learn from,” I shrugged.

He let out a sigh of weariness before nodding again.

“I guess you're right,” his gaze travelled to the rest of the room, taking in our surroundings. I took those seconds to look closely at his face, the moles scattered across his neck, the almost imperceptible scar on his chin, his full lips with sores from biting them from nerves, how his glasses slid down his nose, and how messy his hair looked as if he'd never heard of combs in his life. Everything I could never have and that's why I had to stay away.

“You know what? I think I’ve never told you how thankful I am that you're in my life. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a while.” The comment came out of nowhere as he refocused on me. “Thank you, Reg.”

His hand grabbed one of mine and I thought about pulling away immediately. I restrained the urge and took his hand gently, setting it down on the couch with an awkward smile.

“I can't do this, Potter,” I needed to find the courage to look him in the eye, I needed to look serious and carefree even if it was contrary to how I felt. “That's all you wanted to tell me? I have an exam tomorrow and I want to sleep.”

I sounded like a professional prat. Good, maybe then he'd be the one to get away from me.

“Are you okay, Regulus?” he sounded worried. “Hey, look at me, please, did I say something wrong?”

I believed wholeheartedly he was incapable of saying anything hurtful on purpose, unlike me. James was an awfully nice person, kind and brave, but when feelings were involved he couldn't help but hurt me. It wasn't his fault, I knew, ever since we created this "relationship" a year ago I had been preparing myself for this moment.

“I don't need your comfort, I agreed to come here to tell you this has to end for both our sakes.” I finally let it out, I didn't feel any better or calmer but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. 

It’s worth it , I remembered myself, It’s worth it letting him go, you’re not who he wants.

“What? Why?” he asked, sitting up straight, both feet on the ground.

I raised a hand again when he tried to touch me, shaking my head as I avoided his gaze.

“It's for the best,” I repeated for both of us.

I sounded more confident than I felt inwardly, my voice was cold and set an even higher barrier between us.

“I thought we were doing well, the last time we saw each other we were fine,” he assured me, the panic that filled his voice stirring my insides.

“I don't feel like arguing with you,” I got up from the couch, leaving the cup on the table, and he mimicked me shortly, the height difference quite noticeable. I straightened my back and took a deep breath. “I'm tired of being your second choice, I have feelings believe it or not.”

I had efficiently created an image of myself to the rest of the world that was nothing like how I really felt. I felt far removed from the indifference I showed, from the heart of stone they thought reigned inside me. There were few people I let really know me, and to those people I owed my life, even my brother, even the dark-eyed boy who looked at me sorrowfully. But how much of reality and pretence was there in the Regulus they knew?

“I... I'm not playing with you,” his voice broke mid-sentence, “That was never my intention, Regulus, I would never do anything to hurt you.”

Fuck the intention, it didn't matter. I was so used to love hurting me badly, I didn't care.

I'm fine. 

“I know,” I nodded as I swallowed my pride and my pain. “But for your sake, mine and hers, we'd better stop seeing each other.”

Chapter 10: Best of Birthdays.

*Sirius Black*

Every year I looked forward to one particular day and it had finally arrived. My birthday. Being able to celebrate it in Hogwarts with my friends during all these six years had been a blessing. At home, birthdays were nothing more than occasions for parents to brag about their children's achievements to the rest of the family; in my first and second year here my parents used to send me short, dry letters that they probably hadn't written themselves, then stopped, claiming I was too old for such absurdities. But at Hogwarts, this date has become one of the best and most memorable moments of my life. My friends made an effort every year to make it so. I have no doubt that this year would be no different, I've just never felt so dreadful.

From the moment I opened my eyes, all I wanted was to stay in bed, wrapped in the warmth of my blanket and go back to sleep. 

Yesterday I already saw this not so infrequent episode of inexplicable and severe sadness coming. The uncontrollable and common shivering, the feeling my body was 100 pounds heavier and a dreadful headache that appeared out of nowhere; everything hit me like a tsunami, drowning me in a horrendous hell of upcoming physical symptoms. I had curled up with Remus' letter clutched in my fists and pressed them against my chest as my mates slept, accepting this was the only company and comfort I deserved, maybe not even that. 

I rolled over, my face against the pillow, soaked in the smell of my coconut shampoo and wet feeling from all the crying I did last night, and enjoyed its cool surface against my cheeks. In a few minutes we would have to get up for breakfast, although the worms in my stomach probably won't let me ingest anything more than a glass of water. Without needing to look in the mirror I knew I looked like a deceased body, deep dark circles under my eyes adorned my face due to the few hours of sleep I had had lately and my skin for sure looked awful.

I heard the slight creak of the door as I was seconds away from falling back asleep and before I could move someone jumped on top of me. Two people landed on my bed, one on each side of my body. Quickly panicking I shoved the letter in my hands under my pillow. 

“Sirius,” Peter's voice crooned my name as the two of them shook me violently. 

I grasped my pillow, careful not to move any paper out of its place, and let out a groan of exhaustion. Today was going to be a long day.

“Come on birthday boy, today is going to be a great day,” James tugged on my pyjama top hard, forcing me to lift my aching head. “We're going to be together all day and we're going to have a good time whether you want to or not.” 

I rubbed my eyes with my fists to clear my sleepy-dust from the corners before turning to look at them through the hair falling across my forehead. My blurred vision immediately focused on their wide smiles, eyes lit up with excitement. Meanwhile I started to feel extremely conscious about the feeling of my dry skin against the bloody mattress, making me want to rip it off. 

“What have you done?” I straightened up, leaning against the headboard. In my lower back, I felt the consequences of having slept in a somewhat strange position, prickling pains that were accentuated every time I made a movement with my whole body.

“Oh, nothing,” Peter said, running his hands through his sandy blond hair. They both were already showered and dressed up, I frowned my brows. “We just have the best day of your life planned out.” 

“Now get up, you bum,” Prongs insisted, looking ecstatic. James was by far the best at organising parties, choosing gifts, etc, still refused everything made for him. 

I got out of bed as soon as they both stood right next to me, making sure I didn't pull the duvet over my aching body again.

“Let's get started.” They dragged me into the bathroom and I couldn't help but notice that the Gryffindor tower was too quiet, which was unusual at this time of the morning when everyone was running from one place to another to get to the Great Hall as quickly as possible.

“Where's the people?” I asked, it was an established habit to meet Frank to go for breakfast but the boy was nowhere to be found.

“They'll be downstairs by now, I guess,” I nodded, doubtfully.

When we went downstairs, the common room was just as empty. The boys walked silently in front of me with smiles that made me feel uneasy, ignoring my every question.

As we reached the strangely closed doors of the Great Dining Hall, Prongs grabbed my arms, slowing me down. From here I could still hear the murmurs of students, the clatter of plates and forks clattering. Wormy passed inside without a word.

“All right, Sirius, pay attention to me,” he snapped, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “It's a busy day, but we'll get through it alright if you obey me in everything I tell you, nod if you've understood me.”

I nodded slowly, thinking that even if I set my mind to it, I couldn't reach the level of excitement James had in his body. He was standing in one place, but his excited look, fidgety hands, feet tapping against the floor, and rapid speech was the equivalent of running all over the school. I, on the other hand, looked like a mushroom. Stiff and too mind-numbed to respond to what was going on. I was happy, I guess, I couldn't feel any other way with people who made me feel so... special, yet I wasn't worth the effort. I was turned off and that frustrated me more than anything else, because they deserved someone who really showed how much they appreciated every single thing they did.

“After school is when we've organised most of the stuff, so you'll have to wait,” he explained. “At recess I think Lily and Marlene have something lined up, but you'll see. Don't miss my side.... Okay?” 

“Yes, yes,” I smiled with all my might, showing real enthusiasm. “Thank you so much, Prongsie, it really means a lot to me.”

“Everything and more for you, Pads, you know that,” he gave me a tight hug before planting a kiss on my forehead. “Happy birthday.” 

Don't cry, Sirius, I beg you , I thought as I squeezed James in my arms. Yep, too good for me. 

“Come on, let's go inside.” 

He stood behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders to pull me towards him into the Great Dining Hall. The entire Gryffindor table plus a few students from the other houses rose to their feet as soon as they saw us enter and began singing, off-key, the hideous Happy Birthday song. Most of the teachers ignored the situation, probably warned in advance, while McGonagall smiled and Dumbledore joined in. 

I was stuck in the dining room doorway, Pete beside me, singing along with James. My heart was racing, palms were sweating and my ears were burning thanks to all the shouting and screaming around me.

I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, I wanted to leave and go back to bed.... I knew I couldn't do that and ruin everything they had prepared for my shitty attitude. I looked down at the cold grey floor as the clapping and cheering started, letting them mistake my embarrassment for shame. Then they all started coming up to me to wish me a happy and wonderful day. Did I really know all these people? 

I kept an awkward smile on my face, thanking each person as normally and confidently as I could. From the first years, excited to meet the creator of so many pranks that would go down in school history, to the seniors, impressed by how I played quidditch. I didn't feel deserving of such idolatry or admiration, it made me feel so weird that all these people thought I was so brilliant and talented when I wasn't. I didn't feel like I deserved it at all. I wasn't at all. The credit for all those things was not mine, it was my team and my friends who were always working the hardest. But I would still take the credit, I would put on an expression of high self-importance and pride, anything before contradicting the image they had of me. The Sirius who feared nothing, the one who was outstanding and fearless.

I looked around trying to find my mates, who had apparently been pushed aside by the group of people. 

Swallowing my discomfort, I continued my task of smiling and accepting compliments and appreciation from strangers. I have to admit that at times I was unable to catch the words of someone who was less than a metre away from me. My brain would quickly block out the stimulus without my being able to help it. So I would nod politely hoping it wasn't a question.

“Sirius, mon coeur ,” Mary, appearing next to me and with a horrible French accent, jumped into my arms and planted several kisses on my face. “Come to the table, we have cake!”

I was supposed to love moments like these. The centre of attention in any situation must always be me, right? It was in my blood. I was supposed to stand out and be the best no matter what, I was supposed to feel good. Elated, more powerful than ever. Wasn't that all that mattered? I ran my hand over my face, wiping away the tears that were about to fall. My friend held my hand the whole time, putting it around her waist and wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “It's okay, I've got you, are you okay?”

I looked into her worried dark eyes and felt stupid, I didn't want to spoil what they had prepared. I smiled as broadly as I could manage without looking fake, attributing the emotion I felt to the moment that was taking place, tears of ultimate happiness. “Yeah, I just wasn't expecting it at all.”

She gave my shoulder a squeeze, nodding, before returning to Lily's side who with open arms welcomed me, I hid my head in the crook of her neck and breathed in her scent of strawberries and flowers I adored so much. “Happy birthday, punk.”

“Well, it's my turn,” Marlene's voice demanded from behind us. I pulled away from the redhead giving her a soft kiss on the top of her head before turning to the blonde, who was looking at me expectantly with her hands on her hips. “I wasn't going to queue up to congratulate you, it's amazing how many people acknowledge your existence.”

Yes, it really was. In previous years I had received letters from many people inside and outside Hogwarts, but I’d never paid much attention to them, just enjoyed the recognition. But when such a large number of people approached you in real life, I couldn't help but feel... afraid more than anything else.

“That's the thing about being so pretty, look at him,” Frank walked past me, pinching my cheek. “Sixteen years old and he's already a celebrity.”

I slapped him away and rolled my eyes, hiding my shaking hands in my back pockets, still unprepared to speak without my voice failing.

“Remember us when you get to the top, Siri,” Alice added with a pout; people were laughing, smiling and those actions seemed so simple, it was absurd all the energy and effort it was taking me.

“He's already done it,” Peter kissed my cheek as he walked past me to sit next to Mary.

“You guys are hilarious,” I managed to say before Marlene came over and gave me a hug, leaving a resounding kiss on my cheek.

“We live to be your jokesters, Mr. Popular,” she said with another kiss before releasing me from her grip. Days like these were the only ones we could take advantage of and enjoy a strangely affectionate Marlene; as affectionate as that woman could be. “Now sit down, the cake will be gone before you know it.”

Everyone had gone back to their business so I tried to calm down again, sipping slowly from the glass of water that had been placed in front of me. If I ate anything now I was sure it would come out of my body in a very unpleasant way for everyone here.

“We wanted to use candles, but McGonagall refused, you know, because of the incident on Mary's birthday last year,” Frank explained, holding out a piece of chocolate cake. They had managed to get away with writing "Padfoot" on the top and what I assumed was a dog's footprint.

Mary burst out laughing, to which Alice responded with a disapproving look. I remember that day perfectly, it wasn't even a month into school and we had already found a way to set a table on fire during lunchtime. I could easily consider my fifth year at Hogwarts one of the best I'd ever had, despite the fact that we spent most of it in detention. At least we were doing it together.

“It's perfect, thank you all,” I assured with a faint smile and a churning stomach. “Really, thank you. I love you all so much.”

I finally managed to get out of eating the piece of cake, which I thought was too big, as Marlene happily agreed to have another piece to herself. 

Throughout the morning's lessons, I received a hug around the shoulders from McGonagall, a cheerful congratulations from Sprout, whose subject I no longer took, and when we got to Potions I received an amused smile from Slughorn before he continued talking to the students around his table, latecomers hurrying to avoid being caught by the absent-minded professor.

I sat next to Peter, ignoring James as he began his daily task of searching for Lily. I only knew because every time he began his task, his brown eyes would light up with excitement and a stupid grin would appear on his lips. When the door opened again with a slight creak the light in James' eyes changed and his expression shifted to a frown, so we immediately turned our heads to see Regulus, Pandora Ancrum and Remus enter the classroom. The boy didn't look at us once, he was too focused on what Pandora was saying. 

That white-haired Ravenclaw girl had been one of the first friends Regulus had made when he'd arrived here, a year after me, and they'd been inseparable ever since. Kind of like Prongs and me, so it was rather stupid to be jealous of their relationship, wasn't it?

What reassured me was that my little brother hadn't joined those self-obsessed Slytherins who went on and on about purebloods and honour. They were absurd, but dangerous.

Still the idea of a possible friendship between Remus and the Slytherins had been on everyone's mind since the Halloween party, but there was no way to assimilate it. How had such a friendship even come about?

“Oh, kids, I was waiting for you.” Slughorn approached the table occupied by the trio of Regulus, Pandora and Remus as he finished speaking to the last student who had cornered him at his desk. I'd like to invite you to dinner tonight before your exams begin, you can bring someone if you like.” 

Slughorn wasn't the sort of teacher who bothered to hide his preferences in relation to students, the rest of us were more amused than anything else. There had been a few who had tried to complain about such favouritism, but all they had succeeded in doing was making the teacher even worse.

Shaking my head slightly, I fixed my eyes on the leather book next to my cauldron, running a finger along its spine. I thought back to those days, not so long ago, when Moony had been by my side, laughing at us for our ignorance of the subject before explaining what we had to do step by step to get it done. He had been the best of friends to the three of us.

All three nodded in agreement.

“Thank you for the invitation, Professor,” Reggie's cold voice replied. “It would be our pleasure to attend your party.”

Any other time, I would undoubtedly have made fun of Regulus' perfect manners and his stone-cold, passive attitude.

“Wonderful,” he smiled before turning to the rest of the students. “Let's begin the class, shall we?”

With their table positioned diagonally to ours, so eavesdropping had been too easy. I raised one of my eyebrows, Peter already shaking his head. I knew he thought that getting on Remus's nerves wasn't going to do any good, but I had to at least try.

If I could get into that party and apologise to Remus, at least for the fight we had the other day, it would be a step forward. I hoped that before tonight the numb feeling that filled my body and the headache would be gone.

 “We have to get invited to that dinner,” I whispered as the professor continued to talk about how to make an antidote for some kind of poison. “Do you think Lily could sneak us in?” 

James leaned across the table to reply in a low tone. “We can try to convince her.” 

Before he could say anything else, someone else intervened.

“Convince who?” suddenly sounded a soft, direct voice that startled all three of them, causing Prongs to let out a gasp. 

Lily had appeared at his side, and was leaning over her books with an expression full of curiosity. Where on earth did she come from?

“Something you'd like to share with your classmates, Mr. Potter.” The whole class turned to look at us, including Remus, who wore an expression of stern indifference, even annoyance, on his face.  I wasn't clear whether I preferred that or him ignoring us.

"No, I'm sorry, sir." His ears and cheeks were as red as the Gryffindor jumper he always wore. He bowed his head, embarrassed.

Neither of them laughed, nor were there any funny looks, or even a small, uncomfortable smile. Slughorn continued with the class nonchalantly, giving Lily a swift smile.

"When the hell did you get here, Lils?" Pete said, also visibly affected, with a hand on his chest.

She frowned as she began to take notes on what the professor was saying. "A while ago," she shrugged. "It's not my fault you're as observant as a wall."  

The class was dull as usual, except for the moment when Frank made his cauldron explode. That made it a little more entertaining. Every few minutes I found myself watching the Sluggie club and overanalysing everything they did. The way they talked to Remus, how they leaned close to each other to whisper; I could sense the complicity between them. I bit the inside of my cheek and looked away again for the tenth time at least. I suppose it made sense, they were the smartest in the class, and besides, it wasn't just Slughorn who was more than happy about it, every teacher in the school was.

 

“Hello, Evans,” I greeted with a charming smile that had been the best and most realistic one I'd had all morning. I had set out to be the best version of myself for the rest of the day, to be the Sirius they wanted to see, the one they knew no matter how hard it was. I had been waiting for her by the doorframe while I talked to Slughorn. I'd had a hard time convincing James to leave me alone with her, so I was glad the professor didn't shy away from making conversation. Once you gave him the chance he wouldn't stop. “Did you do something to your hair today? You look more radiant than ever.”

 “What do you want, Black, shouldn't you be getting your presents? I'm sure Marlene is looking for you,” she looked at me as if she already knew what I was up to. Lily had always been a very astute girl, quick to pick up on what was going on in any context. She was always on her toes, something that I think came from being Muggle-born. They were cannon fodder for posh kids who supported their parents' extreme beliefs. I knew how hard she'd had it at first, and I admired the strength she showed while still being the most powerful and lovable witch I'd ever met.

“Why can't I flatter my precious...? Fine.” I stopped speaking as she raised an eyebrow; I dug my nails lightly into the palm of my hand, feeling my nerves rise in my chest. “I was wondering if Slughorn had invited you to his fancy dinner and if so, I would be more than happy to accompany you.”

“Is it because Remus is going to be there?” I averted my gaze but nodded slowly. Clever, no doubt. “James doesn’t want to tell me anything about it, but it's obvious that whatever happened is serious -don't you dare joke- he barely talks to me, you know.” Her voice reflected the sadness and exhaustion she felt. Lily had also lost a close friend because of me and I couldn't even tell her why.

“I'm so sorry, Lily, I want to fix things, I'm trying, I swear.”

She frowned, causing her eyebrows to furrow with worry. I needed her to accept, that way I could approach Remus differently, better. This was a perfect scenario. I wanted to see if there was any glimmer of hope, to see if there was still any chance of forgiveness.

“Just because it's your birthday,” she sighed after almost half a minute of silence. “I'll meet you here at six, but if you're late I'll leave without you.”

“I won't, I promise,” I hugged her and Lily relaxed in my arms, she was shorter than me so I rested my chin on her head. “I'll manage.”

“I know you will,” she said. “You guys have a strong relationship, we're a strong group; this will settle down soon.”

During the break I got the news that I would be able to play in the match on Friday, they had managed to convince McGonagall that I could play although they wouldn't tell me in return for what. The girls, on the other hand, gave me a quidditch team shirt with the name 'Padfoot' on the back, which I wouldn't be allowed to wear during the matches but I was sure I could manage.

I was still feeling a bit uneasy, everything was going too well so my whole body was physically preparing for the worst. Mind you, my performance couldn't have been better despite a few small nervous twitches that I could attribute to the excitement and enthusiasm I was feeling. My mouth and throat felt too dry, and my heart about to come out of my chest, but nothing I couldn't keep under control. More or less. I could control this feeling of fear, I was used to it. I took advantage of the fact that they were focused on their conversation to go to the bathroom before classes started again, and on the way I heard Regulus' voices talking to Crouch as I was about to turn into the next corridor, I pulled back immediately, pausing to listen.

“Suit yourself, Regulus, I'm not your mother,” the brown-haired boy shrugged. “I'm just saying he probably hasn't changed, I don't want to have to take you to Pomfrey again because you haven't eaten properly or couldn't get out of bed... He's bad for you. I'm not Pandora, for fuck's sake, next time I'll kill him. That way I can make sure he stops looking for you.”

I didn't know who they were talking about, but hearing those harsh words from Crouch felt like a dagger in my chest. Regulus had had a very complicated life thanks to too many people refusing to accept him for who he was. Coming out as trans and then as gay had been a difficult struggle for him, not only in terms of self-acceptance but also because it was a problem in our environment to be different from the rest. Our parents being supportive of my brother's transition couldn't have amazed me more until I found out that they needed a man to be my replacement as heir to everything Walburga and Orion Black owned. The fact he had supportive friends during this tough year made it a little better; as his brother I couldn't care less who my brother might be snogging, but I would always defend him with my life. 

We all knew that if someone made him believe he wasn't worth it, it wouldn't be the first time he would think it was true. At home, he also had the most isolating behaviour that had always worried and frightened me because I was never aware of what Regulus was capable of at times like that. He never wanted to talk to me about it and I never forced him to. Maybe I should have.

“First of all, that wasn't about him and you know it, Barty, he would never hurt me, at least not intentionally. And I've already told you that I try to keep him away,” my brother said in a whisper, frustrated. “I told him I didn't want to see him again, but I can't ignore him if he comes back, I think.... I think he might really like me.”

From what I was hearing, that guy sounded like an idiot. I was glad Crouch was there to keep my brother from ending up with morons. I mean, the boy was supposed to be the smart one between the two of us.

“Regulus Arcturus Fucking Black, please, he likes the whole world,” I could feel Crouch roll his eyes from here, his tone mixed what I believed was anger and extreme worry at the same time. “We'll see if he's capable of chasing you with a couple of broken ribs.”

“Barty,” Reggie sighed.

“I already promised Evan I'd deal with him the next time he came near you after explicitly telling him to fuck off,” I poked my head out slightly but Crouch caught the movement quickly and caught me eavesdropping. “Oh, Sirius, another Gryffindor scum, perfect.”

I came out of my poor hiding place to approach them acting completely normal, only to be met with Crouch’s murderous stare, preferring it a thousand times to Regulus' look of disappointment.

“I'll leave you two alone to talk, I have to find Dorcas and Evan,” the boy said goodbye, bumping his shoulder against mine. With all my might I struggled not to stagger. Today wasn't the best day to get into a fight.

“Hey, Reggie, is everything okay? Did someone bother you again?” I asked after a few seconds of very very uncomfortable silence. “If you need anything just say the word, I can…”

He raised an eyebrow after letting out a snort, as our gazes met I found myself with a mixture of emotions: anger, fear, nervousness. Mostly anger.

“Apparently we've already talked, haven't we? So you tell me what's going on,” I stood with my mouth slightly open, as if looking for something to say but nothing came out. Shit, how had he heard about it? Remus had heard us talking about it? But where? When? Or maybe one of his friends, they were as sneaky and nosy as they seemed.

“Who told you?” I questioned in a controlled tone, hiding my hands in my trouser pockets.

“Secrets are hard to hide at Hogwarts, you know,” he replied sparingly. Except for the dilation of his pupils, darkening his grey eyes. Wait, what did he mean by that? He couldn't be talking about the Remus thing. How much did he know about everything that was going on?

“I was going to talk to you, I swear.... I just... I didn't know how to do it.” I tried to explain in a pitiful way. “I wanted to, Reggie, but I was afraid you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore.”

He made the face he always made at home when he couldn't believe where I'd gotten to.

“I wasn't the one who left, Sirius, I have plenty of reasons for not wanting to talk to you,” we started hard, fucking hard. “But I didn't consciously avoid you. If that's what you were worried about, I don't care anymore.”

Now it was my turn to make a face of boastful disbelief, we both knew how to lie a lot better than we were doing in this conversation.

“They would have killed me,” I said, crossing my arms at his attack. “I made the right decision.”

There were many nights, perhaps too many, when I thought of all the damage I’d done to my brother. I could understand even seeing it as a betrayal, but I also had to convince myself what I did was to save myself even if I couldn't take everything I loved with me. Maybe everything I was going through this term was nothing more than karma.

“What about me, Sirius?” for a second you can see the fear in his eyes, a hint of pleading in his ever controlled voice. “What am I supposed to do now?”

This is exactly why I didn't want to talk to Regulus, I had no answers to his questions because what I did was with all the selfishness on the face of the earth. What I did was with only myself in mind and no one else but me. It wasn't even impulsive, it was a premeditated plan of weeks and weeks of machinations before I carried it out. I never said anything to him.

‘ You don't know how to love anything but yourself, Sirius, don't think you deserve any better than this ’ my mother's words were becoming more and more present in my day to day life. She was right after all. 

Every time I looked at Regulus I kept seeing the boy who needed my help to sleep, how he hid in my room to escape from our parents. He still needed his older brother, even when he was angry with me.

“That's not fair and you know it,” is all I could think to say, a lump in my throat. “You have no idea of…”

He immediately regained his composure and took a step back, hesitant to leave or continue arguing. If he left now, would we talk again?

“Yes, please tell me one more time how I should think or feel,” he interrupted me with a wry smile. “Better yet, explain to me why the victim of the situation is no one but you.”

I looked away from him, unable to say anything looking into his eyes.

“I understand why you feel that way,” I stated, my hands back in my back pockets, shaking. In my chest there was a heavy, sharp stone pulling me down, and making everything inside me writhe with searing pain “I'm just saying I deserved a better life, I... I deserve it, just like you, but I did dare to take the step to live it, you didn't.”

When I looked at him again I immediately realised that was not at all what I should’ve said. My soul fell to the ground as I saw his eyes begin to water.

“What am I supposed to do? Move in with you and Potter, uh, with my friends whose parents are bloody associated with ours, or live on Diagon Alley’s bloody sidewalk?” He ran a hand through his hair just as I had done minutes before letting out a tired huff. “What you don't see is that you had the opportunity, Sirius, because despite the fact you don't care about anything or anyone, you still have people who put up with all your shit, you have someone to count on outside of the horrible shithole we were born in... but the only thing I had was you and now I’ve lost it too.”

He let out a humourless laugh that made me wince, I had my head down like a child who had just been scolded but I really didn't want Reggie to see the effect his words were having, I didn't want him to see in my expression that I knew he was right.

“Do you think if I could’ve left with Evan or Barty, I wouldn't have left by now?” he blurted out a little louder than he intended, really wrapped up in anger. He paused for a second to take a deep breath before continuing. “For Merlin's sake, Sirius, look me in the face and tell me you really think I'm fine in that bloody house or that I can manage better than you. Tell me you don't think they want me in their supremacist cult, or better yet, tell me I really fit in. Tell me that I belong there, just like them.”

“I lost a lot of things too, Regulus.” I swallowed what felt like glass and with the coldest expression I could, I raised my face. “I've lost more than I've gained, you can be sure.”

He shook his head and a sad smile came over his expression.

“And isn't that your fault?” Those words settled in my head as if I had been hit with a hammer. “You only think about yourself, that's your problem.”

‘ Don't be stupid, the only way anyone would want to be with you is if you lie and deceive about who you really are. You are worthless without your lies. ’

“If that was the case, I would have left much sooner, believe me.” my whole body trembled. I could feel the deep desire to vomit surfacing in my stomach. If there was a chance before, I could be sure now everything was broken.

“You would have saved both of us a lot of damage if you had,” I looked up suddenly, surprised by his words. Well, after all, they taught us to hit where it hurts the most. “ Joyeux anniversaire , I hope you enjoy the life you deserve so much, Sirius.”

Notes:

New chapter coming soon!! Thanks for the waiting<33

Chapter 11: Long Evening.

Notes:

We're back with a long chapter. Hope you had the best September ever, love y'all:))

*Remus Lupin*

“ They all say that it gets better the more you grow,

They all say that it gets better but what if I don’t? ” Olivia Rodrigo, teenage dream.

I had no energy for acting as if I cared about Slughorn's dinner, but at the same time I couldn’t stay in my room, for I knew my teacher took these parties and the lack of presence of those he selectively chose to be there quite personally. 

When evening arrived I changed into the most formal attire I could find in my wardrobe: a white shirt with black trousers and a black tunic; they were considerably old, being from my father's high school days, but were in acceptable condition. In a few minutes I would meet up with the whole group to go to dinner together, as Regulus was going with Evan and Pandora with Barty, I thought it would be a good idea to take Dorcas. 

Although I sometimes doubted whatever it was we had between us as a group, I could admit that over the last few weeks we had developed a connection that made me feel better about myself. I spent most of my evenings with them so it made sense and as weird as it sounded, the fact they weren't constantly worried about me meant I could be Remus, just Remus and nothing but Remus, and not some diseased and dangerous werewolf, and that felt wonderful. 

I didn't want to imply I didn't completely appreciate everything my friends had done for me, they had been so caring and they were what I considered my true chosen family, but sometimes I didn't want to be sick and tired Remus. I'm 16 and for most of my life I've felt like nothing but a burden. I'm worried this is how I'm always gonna feel, to be honest.

Feeling normal has become the exception.

Yet those Slytherins barely knew anything about me, I didn't let them into my life, and still they liked me and made a place for me in their group. Just another Serpent.

Especially Rosier and Barty's willingness to accept my arrival in their inner circle was strange and unexpected to me. If you had told me that in less than three months I would have been separated from my best friends to form a group with Slytherins... probably because of my anxiety I would have agreed with you, though I would’ve questioned your sanity too. 

During this time I've only seen a small glimpse of their personalities and lives, so I guess we were evenly matched. They were almost always joking about trauma or flirting with zero self-control, but they were intelligent, carefree and witty as well. There were also little things I've noticed over time: Evan is very observant, he watches when no one else does, I guess that's why he's so quiet in large crowds, he's more into organisation than Regulus and puts things that aren't even his own in their place, he avoids talking about his family altogether. 

Crouch, on the other hand, is quick to change his mind, pursues multiple hobbies alternating them weekly –he now has Evan teaching him to draw– buys a lot of things he doesn't need with his father's money, which he knows Bartemious Crouch would hate, and loves physical affection. Quidditch is his life and it was the only thing that kept his attention for more than a few minutes, apart from his boyfriend.

All these traits were not on full display, of course, they were withdrawn when I was in front of them. But simply by looking at how they treated each other I gathered a lot of information. They highly valued trust, something to be earned, not immediately granted, and yet easy to take away.

From my date tonight I had come to the conclusion her way of showing love was to tease you, she acted like she didn't care about anything and was very good at that, but her friendships could not be included in that statement. I liked how sure and confident she was of herself, I was hoping some of that would rub off on me tonight. 

Once we met in the hallway, she smiled at me and gave me a small hug. “You look good, Lupin.”

Her loose thin braids fell over her face and I quickly tucked them behind her ear. She was wearing a beautiful blue dress that came down to the floor so her shoes weren't showing, with them on we were almost the same height.

“And you look stunning, dear Meadows.” I returned the compliment as I looked down at her shiny silver snake earrings.

“I'm going to have to check if I'm still a lesbian, stop flirting with me, young man,” she patted my arm, then gave a gentle squeeze and clung to it.

I let out a low laugh, settling our intertwined arms. “Okay, ma’am.”

“Yes, Lupin, we're getting jealous back here,” a deep voice behind us joined the conversation. Next to Rosier, who was sporting his typical smirk with him, were Regulus, Pandora and Barty. “You should go find someone who can potentially be with you.”

His tone as always suggestive and playful.

“Like you?” my response came out automatically along with my raised eyebrow. “For example.”

“Hello, I'm here,” Crouch interjected with a hand on his chest, stepping closer. “And if we think objectively, I'm a better choice for you, Lupin, think of all the people we could disappoint just by being together.”

The couple looked at each other. The blond rolled his eyes and grabbed Barty by the collar of his white shirt, their faces inches away. The situation made me feel I had to turn my head. “Do you believe you could be a better boyfriend than me?”

“I know I am.” Crouch snorted, never pulling or looking away.

Regulus let out a loud exhale rubbing his temples, apparently used to the bickering between them. Pandora and Dorcas looked on with restrained smirks, as did I.

“It could be a three-way thing, guys, no need to fight over me,” I smiled, rolling my eyes. They both shrugged their shoulders and returned to a normal position. “Now let's go or we'll be late.”

“Yeah, you guys are disgusting.” Dorcas added, dragging me with her towards Slughorn's office.

As we walked through the doors we found five people already seated at the table. 

“You're just in time guys, come on, take a seat.” The professor led us to the centre of the room with a cheerful smile.

Regulus, next to me, was also alternating his gaze between Lily and Sirius, the two of us glued to the floor. The food was already on the table, the glasses full and the silence awkward. Emmeline Vance and Lucas Avary, two other Slytherins I shared some classes with were also there; as well as Severus Snape.

My chest filled with impending anxiety and my hands began to tremble slightly. 

I felt someone's hand on the small of my back as Evan pushed us towards the table to take our seats. He placed his head between me and his friend to whisper:

“ We got you. ”

Our professor was at the head of the not so large round table, with Avery and Snape on either side of him. Unfortunately, Dorcas ended up next to Severus, I was right next to her along with Crouch and Pandora while Rosier sat between the feuding Black brothers. Lily sat opposite me and was having a lively conversation with the professor.

I'm doing it for the grade , I encouraged myself. 

On our plates were mashed potatoes, vegetables and steak, except for Pandora, who was eating a rather elaborate pasta salad. 

“She doesn't eat meat,” Dorcas clarified and I nodded, not much in the mood for a conversation. “Vegetarian.”

During dinner I didn't feel much like talking, more like avoiding vomiting on the table. A few questions were thrown at me, but I quickly directed them at other people, giving a short, dry answer.

I played with the food on my plate, my stomach unable to swallow anything else. Sirius and Snape being in the same room made me feel insecure for various reasons, the Gryffindor had an explosive personality, which meant that if he felt the slightest bit threatened he would act impulsively in response; who knows how Severus would respond to him.

I wanted to believe that if Lily had been aware of the prank she wouldn't have brought Sirius, adding that Regulus was here too, the tension rose fast. I hoped the fact Evan was purposely making disgusted faces every time the boy next to him opened his mouth, wouldn’t start a fight. The rest of the group at least tried to hide how much they despised the eldest of the Black brothers.

The brothers avoided looking at each other or addressing questions to each other, or so it was until Slughorn decided to ask about Narcissa and Andromeda Black, two of his most notable pupils.

“Andy is travelling the world with her boyfriend, Ted, great man,” Sirius said with a wry smile that the professor didn't notice. His cousin was disowned when she started dating a muggle, causing quite a scandal in her family, unsurprisingly. 

Regulus grimaced as well but kept quiet.

“And Cissy's getting married next year, I think,” he added. “We haven't had much contact lately.”

“She's getting married? That's good news.” Not in a family that chooses who you have to marry , I guessed what their faces were trying to communicate. When Sirius received the invitation last June he made pretty clear he knew his cousin wanted to study abroad. Narcissa didn't like Lucius Malfoy that much at school and her choice couldn't have changed that fast, after Andromeda's troubles the only solution was for the second eldest sister to marry someone from a powerful, magical family. Sirius explained it to us multiple times while ranting about his family and Regulus probably felt the same way about the situation. “I’m so happy for her, she was such a wonderful student to teach.”

They both just nodded and continued eating in silence.

“What about you, Remus, how's your family?” The question came not from my teacher but from Severus who was quietly pinching the food on his plate.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, it's none of your business…”

I turned my head towards the dark haired boy, glaring at him so intently that he shut his mouth immediately. I didn't need to create conflict out of this situation, if Snape wanted to play games he would do it on his own. I wasn't foolish enough to get into major trouble with him.

Severus was aware he certainly had me under his power, he knew that if he opened his mouth the only one hurt by it would be me. He would look like the hero who saved the school from a terrible monster. Even though for all these years I'd been nothing but exemplary, when the mask fell, so would the reputation. Whether justly or unjustly, who cared?

“He's not asking you, Sirius, zip it,” I heard Evan's whispered voice scolding the boy just as I turned back to Snape and Slughorn, who watched the situation curiously.

“They're fine, Severus, thank you for asking,” I answered tersely in a dry but polite tone.

There was a glint of familiar smugness that irritated me to no end. It was all about control and power for him, something he wasn't quite used to. Who knows what that psychopath was capable of.

There were days when I wished I could just finish my studies and leave so far away no one could ever find me. Complete isolation from the world, that seemed like the only way I would never suffer again.

“It's okay, I just heard rumours saying your father had been fired from his job as... authority on Non-Human Spiritual Apparitions, right?” What? That information wasn’t even in the hands of any of my closest friends. My senses sharpened for a few seconds, causing me to be able to hear the sizzle of rain outside.  “I'm glad they're alright then.”

Even the professor noticed the sarcasm in his voice, as innocent as an attack from behind. With my fork I poked at the vegetables with unnecessary strength. Before answering again I noticed Dorcas's hand on my thigh, she gave a sly shake with her head and pulled away.

I took a long, silent inhale through my mouth before raising my head.

“You know the rumours, they're just traps for the ignorant,” I finally replied with a smile.

The girl next to me gave me a small smile as Severus averted his disdainful gaze from me. Slughorn nodded as he chewed a piece of bread loud enough for us to hear.

“Quite right, my boy, nowadays we can't believe everything we hear, that’d be foolish,” he said pointing in my direction. He left a short pause as if he wanted us to take careful note of what he had said before continuing the conversation. “I'm glad everything is alright at home, what about you Miss Vance...?”

From there the conversation drifted into a cluster of diverse topics such as exam preparation, the extracurriculars we were taking this year and plans for the future. Talking about family with the people at the table at this point seemed awkward and unnecessary. The professor wasn't stupid enough to be unaware of the situation in Black's House and that's enough for not starting that kind of filler conversation. Although we all knew he loved to gossip.

An hour later it was time to leave, the meal itself hadn't been bad except for a few uncomfortable moments, for example, when Sirius would stare at me for longer than necessary and turn quickly when I shifted in his direction. I'd think this was accidental if I hadn't known the boy since we were eleven, he was very sneaky and when he wasn't you had to consider he was probably just trying to get attention.

I didn't feel like getting into another argument with him, I didn't want to hear one more apology because my healing time wasn't decreasing for every apology I was given.

Barty had been by my side distracting me when he felt it was most needed as had Dorcas but sometimes I couldn't help but disassociate myself from the conversation because of the discomfort I carried with me. All I could think about was Snape, him knowing my secret, and that I had the person responsible for it and the one I loved the most in front of me. This was all such a load of rubbish and as much as I said I would sort it out on my own... the truth was that I still didn't know how.

Before finally saying goodbye to Slughorn, Regulus and I chatted with him for a while while the rest of us milled around the professor's office making conversation with the rest of the guests. He told us how he had another meeting in a few days with other students of his, a meeting to discuss Potions. Reggie and I looked at each other quickly and we both agreed we were too busy with our studies but that next time it would be a pleasure to attend. 

Last year I was at one of these talks with Lily and it was the most boring thing I had ever witnessed, we couldn't share ideas or knowledge because Slughorn and one of his former guest lecturers were the only ones talking.  When we got to say our real goodbyes, the six of us met again in the corridor. Dorcas had been talking to my red-haired friend and Emmeline Vance, while Pandora, Evan and Barty had been browsing through the odd objects that had been found in the room. Severus and Avery barely spoke, both standing by the door, watching the situation with sour faces. I truly believed they had a vision of themselves that nobody else had, they were trying to emulate what Relugus and his friends were. Snape envied what being a 'pureblood' entailed and by trying to be more like them he made the situation worse for himself.

“Hey, Remus,” Sirius gently touched my right shoulder, his voice strangely tentative. “Can we talk for a minute?”

The group of Slytherins I had come with positioned themselves behind me, as if waiting for me to give an answer before stepping in if necessary.

“I... I don't want to have another fight, I'm too knackered,” I whispered, closing my eyes for a second. “Maybe some other time?”

“It'll be quick, Lily and I are about to leave,” he clarified, his voice was so meek and soft, like he didn't want to scare me.

I noticed someone behind me take a step forward at the same time Sirius's eyes turned sombre, no longer looking at me. The only way there was going to be an argument here was if I started it, I wasn't planning on going through this shit now.

I turned around to tell them they could leave without me, it was already quite late and Slughorn had already closed his door after the last of us had put our feet out.

“We'll wait for you, don't worry.” Evan was right behind me, leaving a pat on my shoulder.

A little surprised, I moved to a corner with Sirius, leaning my arm against the wall. He was wearing well-fitting trousers, probably expensive, and a beautiful black suit waistcoat under a white shirt. Some of his hair was in a bun as he usually wore it and his make-up was very light but still noticeable; black eyeliner making his eyes stand out more than usual.

He looked very good, pretty as always, so I decided to shut my mouth and let him talk. I avoided his gaze, looking at the window in front of us.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

I waited a few seconds for him to add something else but he didn't.

“What?” I replied as if I hadn't understood the question.

“I've been acting like a bitch for no reason, I want to know how are you really doing, Moony.” he sounded the most sincere I'd ever heard him but I couldn't fall for it that easily.

“I'm as well as one in my situation could be.” I shrugged, frowning my brows a bit, as I didn't exactly know what to answer either. How was I? Well, given the situation it was obvious that my life was going like shit but I assumed he already knew that.

“That's not an answer,” he snorted.

That was the kind of answer I would have given him if the conversation were reversed. 

“Okay, well, I'm struggling against falling into a crippling depression and.... what?” I stopped as soon as his face contracted in pure frustration, crossing his arms.

“Don't use that tone, you bastard.” he scolded me, rolling his eyes.

We both laughed and for a brief second I felt a sort of relief in my chest. It was short lived but it was there. This is the kind of emotion I was afraid to face, momentary relief, because it did me no good to move closer just to take another step back.

“Listen, Sirius, I'll be fine,” I said in a whisper, I had no other answer prepared. “Obviously, I'm not at my best but I'll get over it.”

“No, you don't have to get over it, you should…” I raised my eyebrow and he stopped mid-sentence. Better. “Let me shut up.”

“I'll decide what's best for me, Sirius,” I stood up straight and started walking towards Reggie and company with my back turned, still looking at the boy. I had to leave this conversation before I did something stupid. He followed me but didn’t get too close. “Thanks for asking, I guess. And ha…”

“Hey, Rem, one thing.” Barty's hand reached for the small of my back, interrupting me with a sly grin as he leaned into my ear. “We've got a spare bed in our room if you want to put some space, you know, between you and punk boy.”

I turned to look him in the eye but he was looking at Sirius with a smirk, I jabbed him in the stomach with my elbow. I stood there thinking for a second, completely forgetting to finish my sentence, maybe putting some space between us and saving us all those awkward moments would be a blessing or Merlin knows what would happen if Sirius and I went off together. I'd probably just play the bloody fool.

“That's really nice,” I smiled at him, “I'd love to, yeah.”

“Yeah, sleepover,” Evan says once I'm pushed back into my group, leaving Sirius standing there.

I didn't even dare turn around.

***

“Okay, listen, I've been thinking about various ways of doing this. So I bought something for Siriusʼ birthday –I got it months ago actually– what do I do with it?” I walked in circles around the room, massaging my temples. 

It was embarrassingly personal, nothing I could give to anyone else. The main purpose of the gift was to make Sirius feel heard. I wanted him to know that I saw who he really was underneath his obnoxious exterior. That I paid attention to every little thing he did or told us, like how he loved classical music but refused to play the piano because his parents had wanted him to for so long that he learned to loathe it; or how his tongue would slip out of his mouth a little when he thought too much. The way he would sometimes pinch his palm when he felt nervous or scared, or how enthusiastic he was while drawing or explaining quidditch playing techniques; or his love of Muggle vehicles. 

“Burn it,” Regulus said in a carefree tone as he scribbled in his leather notebook. He frowned as soon as I mentioned his brother. 

I have to admit that the dinner was little more than a disaster, the only thing I was sure of was that I didn't want to go back to my room tonight. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he looked at me from behind his long eyelashes and his goddamn smile. I’m so fucked.

“Yeah, I'm not going to do it,” I replied, tapping each of my fingers with my thumb. “I paid too much money for it.”

I was still angry with him, of course I bloody were, enormously frustrated and with an irrepressible urge to curse him. Not just because of the prank, but because he made me like him so much that it would be impossible for me to really hate him. He was such a special friend in my life, how to erase years of shared experiences in a couple of weeks? There must be a spell.

“Sell it then,” he replied without looking up from his notes. I picked up one of the wrapping papers from Barty's desk and threw it at his head. The cold anger in his voice was easy to discern. 

“You're not helping,” I throw my head back and sigh, leaning against the wall by the bathroom door. “I really want him to have it, have you talked to him today?”

He just shakes his head twice, keeping his lips pressed together in a thin line of frustration.

Although I wanted to give him the gift, was it the right thing to do? Probably not. The situation at the time was too cold and distant and I didn't want to give them false hope. To be perfectly honest, I didn't think we were any closer to resolving this after all this time. Even after the five minute talk today, I wasn’t sure if it meant a lot or too little to me. I didn’t know shit and that made me extra anxious. I hoped I wouldn’t need to go to the bathroom to cry today.

I had to admit there wasn't a day that went by in which I didn't think about them, my train of thought was a bit messy but it always ended up on the same path. I missed them so much, no one could imagine how much, and I hoped with all my heart and brain that they missed me too. 

“Even if he doesn't deserve it?” he asked, putting his quill down. He gave me an unpleasant, disappointed look. 

“Who doesn't deserve what?” Evan entered the room with only a towel hanging around his unexpectedly tiny waist. My eyes landed on the danger zone just before the beginning of the piece of cloth, and moved from there to his face. He gave me a smile as I looked away a little embarrassed. My cheeks reddened. 

I would never, ever, in my life deny finding Slytherins attractive because they were all undoubtedly enviably good looking and had that mysterious aura that every teenage boy wishes he had as an aesthetic. But them? They just magically glowed. Every mole, scar or pimple on their face looked great, as if it was meant to be there. Every physical feature they represented seemed purposefully made. Respectfully, I would have been fond of any of them if I wasn't under someone else's spell. 

There, I said it.

“Remus bought Sirius a present for his birthday,” Barty told him, unperturbed by what had just happened; he'd been there the whole time –Dorcas too– he just didn't bother to intervene. He'd rather watch us bicker like it was a children's argument.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” He looked at me incredulously. “Just by tonight’s behaviour anyone would say he’s infuriating and annoying.”

Then I folded my arms and slid down the wall to sit on the floor. “He... he’s still very important to me. I care about him and still know he’s a dick.”

I didn't know who the fuck had designed the human brain, but when they programmed emotions and feelings, they forgot to turn off the possibility of missing and caring about people you're enormously disappointed with. Why couldn't I forgive and forget, being wholeheartedly happy with my new company without comparing it to them. What they did was mean and thoughtless and a damn heartbreaking move, I deserved to move on. 

Maybe what I really needed was to burn up that bloody vinyl. 

Silently I stared at the empty bed across the room, the sheets perfectly stretched out as if they'd never been touched by anyone. 

“Sometimes I forget you're a Gryffindor,” Barty chuckled, shaking his head slightly. “Nobody's perfect after all.”

As I politely held up my middle finger to the brunette, I turned my head to Dorcas, who was letting out a heavy sigh from her chest. Her braids were pulled back in a high ponytail, her worried face fully visible to our scrutiny. 

Barty's joke made me wonder for a moment what would have happened if I had been sorted into Slytherin instead of my House. I doubt very much that we would have been friends, though as the days passed I discovered that we had a lot in common. More than I ever expected. If they knew what I was... Would they go behind my back? Would they take something as volatile and fragile as that information and use it to their advantage? Would Reggie do that to Evan? Or Barty to Pandora? 

I didn't think so. Loyalty was so relevant and indispensable to their friendship that I'm sure they would have found another way to punish Snape for being such a jerk, or at least they would have counted on me to do it. Let me have a hand in how to make this work. Because that's what teams do, that's what friends are for. 

But the Marauders didn't do any of that. 

I wanted to switch off my brain for a while and stop creating scenarios out of thin air. Thinking too much was hurting and exhausting me. 

“I think people are quite aware that Remus isn't with who he's supposed to be with,” she crossed her legs over Evan's desk, where she found a way to sit without moving the boy's belongings out of place. She’d changed her clothes to a more comfortable outfit. “You know Rita Skeeter, aka the blonde viper?”

The name rang a bell in my head 

“The one who started the school paper? She's Bella's friend,” Reggie nodded, and the girl lifted the paper from her lap and shook it angrily.

Bellatrix Black and Rita Skeeter, Slytherin scariest duo, who I'm sure I’ll never mess with unless I had an urgent death wish. Accused but never demonstrated of using various times the Imperius curse on younger students, they both had enough contacts outside of Hogwarts to be two happy unconvicted felons. They were everything we'd been warned about, brutal, cunning, self-centred Slytherins who enjoyed other people's misery. 

The paper she was talking about was called " Hogwarts Mailbox " and only seemed useful to provoke drama among the students. 

“Well, we're in her gossip section,” she scratched her jaw and let out what sounded like a strangled laugh. “One more time.”

I didn't like school news, most of the information written on there wasn't even true. Just stories twisted to trap the public with some non-existent spilled gossip. Sirius and Peter loved it and read it as if it was some sort of verified research and not sheer rubbish.

“Why even bother? Probably the same made up bullshit.” Evan said, pulling a grey sweatshirt over his head. “Who did Barty and I have a threesome with this week? It keeps getting more and more unrealistic, I have to say.”

Rita had always been the kind of girl who was sharp intelligent and loved to get others in trouble. She always managed to come out clean though. Even wrote a love story between Lily and I, which was honestly quite funny, but it nearly put James into a coma.

“Let’s hear it,” I said, wanting to leave aside Sirius' birthday present conversation  for a couple minutes. 

“Good, because you are the main character in her delusional story,” she said. My eyes widened and I prepared myself for the worse. “ Remus Lupin, Gryffindors prefect and golden boy, has changed sides. Blah, blah, blah , he's been spotted out and about with the chaotic Slytherin couple of Barty Crouch Jr. and Evan Rosier on multiple occasions lately; there's a rumour of a possible love triangle between these boys according to our reliable sources…”

“What the hell is she on?!”  I exclaimed, my mind found it impossible to believe what I was listening to. “When did that come out?” 

Biting my lower lip and tearing my skin, I got up again to approach the girl and, perhaps, lit up the newspaper she was holding. Every Friday there was a new edition of this piece of gunk, yet not even a week had gone by after the last one was published. Above the stupid headline was written in bold letters "Special Edition". What was that supposed to mean?

“This morning, but wait, I haven't finished.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “ The Gryffidor hasnʼt stopped there, rumour has it there might be something going on between him and the new Slytherinsʼ prefect, Regulus Black, as the boy has been spotted on multiple occasions by the Gryffidor tower in the evening hours. Remus Lupin is definitely a busy boy. Although this news should come as no surprise due to the fact that he is known to be a troublesome heartthrob .”

Fuck. 

A picture of us during the Halloween party, if you could call that a party, dancing and laughing. Barty's hand had been around my waist as Dorcas surrounded my shoulders. Evan and Reggie right in front of us, the blonde's hands on the other boy's shoulders. The pic was wholesome, I loved it. A pity it was taken to publicly shame us. 

I couldn't help thinking about the boy's reaction to this. I didn't want to know. And even if none of this is true, I'm sure the homophobes on duty who were waiting patiently in the shadows for information like this to come out, even if it was unsubstantiated, will start to appear. It didn't matter. And for Reggie, things just kept getting worse...

“Wow,” Regulus was the first one to talk after a short time, all silent. “Well, she surpassed herself this time. If my parents find this, I'm a dead man.”

His voice filled up with nervousness as his face revealed all the fear hiding in his chest. This wasn't anything more than a teenager stupid magazine but sharing a room with Sirius has been a learning experience about the Black family. Anything big enough to extend any rumour about any member of their pack is considered a menace to their public appearance. Even if Regulus being trans was something they let slide, not a chance that was happening with news that talked about him being attracted to a Gryffindor man. 

“No worries, everyone ease themself,” placing my hands over my face before letting out a low grunt. The two boys over the bed looked at Reggie, preoccupation noticeable on their faces. “Minnie is going to ask a lot of questions but perhaps I can convince her to do something about it… Hold on, what were you doing at Gryffindor late at night, Reg?” 

I've never asked them to meet me there nor I had the intention to do so. And apart from me I wasn't aware who from the lion House could be their friend. 

“I… um, I have more friends than you think, Remus, I make occasional visits to them.” he argued, avoiding looking anywhere but his notebook. He sat on the edge of the bed, head on his hands. “Maybe I could manage and talk to Bella, she could help.”

Bellatrix helping anyone willingly was something I found hard to believe. My eyes fixed on him, I silently decided I would do anything to get him out of this. I was just suffering embarrassment and it just might cost me an argument with people I already don't talk to… But he was endangered, he needed us. I could surely help. I will. 

“Now it’s just a friend? Yeah, sure.” Barty huffed, suddenly annoyed, playing with Evanʼs hair. The blond's head was placed on his lap, clear on his face he was tired of this bullshit. 

I glanced at Regulus with a raised eyebrow and a tiny smile. “Are you dating someone, Reggie? You didn't tell me, little prick.”

I had to admit every time they came out with the topic of relationships or crushes I hid a bit, not wanting to be part of the conversation. The fact I still barely knew them as well played an important role in the decision. A relationship with the person I was interested in there had zero chance of happening and was not worthy to be shared, especially with them. 

And if they wanted me to know theirs they would be the one telling me. 

Dorcas, who still stared at the paper on her hands, quite mad, let out a snort. “He wishes.”

“First of all, everyone shut their mouth, I'm not dating anyone, least of all a Gryffidor,” he clarified, raising his voice unnecessarily. “Secondly, are you going to tell me who your love interest is, Remus? There's much we don't know about you yet.” 

I opened my mouth just to close it back again, Regulus' narrowed eyes staring at me as if he either knew my deepest secret or was trying too hard to pry it out of me. 

“I know who it is,” Evan's voice interjected, low-voiced, as if he didn't want to be heard. Everyone ceased what they were doing to look at him. All my blood left my body as if I was in the presence of a Dementor. 

I turned my head in his direction, holding up my index finger to stop him from speaking. I would have preferred they knew I was a werewolf instead of the person I fancied. Something I still wasn't sure about, nor did I want to admit to myself because it was dumb and usually I'm not the stupid one.

“I… I prefer not to. I'll live with curiosity, you keep yours to yourself, I'll keep mine to myself.” I responded to Reggie first before turning towards Evan. “And what the fuck you think you know? I didn't tell you shit.” 

My tone more rough than I intended, my fear printed on my voice. 

“Deal,” Regulus smiled slightly, still tense and turned back to his notebook. He opened a completely new page and quickly started writing. 

My eyes were fixed on Evan, who was looking back at me with a sleepy smile on his lips. I was genuinely scared of what he thought he knew. 

“Oi, why don't I know it?” Barty complained, hitting his boyfriend's arm slightly. 

“You haven't told me yet, Remus, but I'm observant and also quite smart,” the blond said, making me feel more nervous as time went on. 

“I feel I'm living too many conversations at a time,” Dorcas stood up with her arms raised up. “I'm going to bed, see you never, freaks… If you need anything just send a message, Reg, love you.”

“Bye, Cass.” he gave her a tiny smile.

“Do you have any weed left?” I asked her before she left the room. She handed me a joint, pulling it out of a fag's packege from her trousers pocket before I even finished the sentence and after messing my hair, she left the room with a wink. I pointed towards the blond's direction. “Evan, come here.”

I stood next to his desk still, lighting the joint with my wand. I used to prefer muggle lighters but this was faster.  “Is it really a big secret?” The look in my eyes was enough for him to roll his own and come to my side, leaning towards my body, his arm on my right shoulder. Evan took a drag from my joint and returned it back. 

“I'll kill you all if that window's not immediately open,” Reggie said, looking nastily at the smoke coming out of his friend's mouth. 

“Wait, he ?!” Barty exclaimed, his eyes glimmering mischievously. He came across the room and stole the joint after I gave a long drag to calm my nerves down. “Didn't know you were gay, hot stuff.”

I shook my head and turned it up, facing the ceiling, the smoke came out in a white puff that Evan turned into a snake with his wand. It went around my head before disappearing. Sometimes I found myself being too open for my own good. I shouldn't have to give that away. Fuck. 

“I'm not,” I simply replied, a little mesmerised by the menacing looking reptile that for once I didn't find disgusting. 

“What? But…but you said he ,” the brunette stammered, looking rather confused. Was gaslighting something bad enough to do in this kind of situation? 

For a moment I flashed back to the time I explained this to the Marauders, how the concept was so complicated for Sirius to wrap his head around. That time I mistakenly assumed his interest stemmed from the fact he was questioning himself. Silly me. He was by nature a curious, surely straight being, interested in the complicated mechanics of the universe to minerals with some pretty colour. 

“I like women too, I'm bisexual.” Another moment I would've given a more detailed definition but right now all I thought about was Rosier. The place where our bodies touched burnt as fire ants had a nest right there. My heartbeat accelerated. This was bad enough. 

What if he knew I liked Sirius? Would he tell Reggie? I didn't want this friendship to rot over something that shouldn't be out in the open for everyone to gossip about. Something that wasn't even possible. 

I could deny it, that would put me in a safer position. 

“Wait, does that term exist for real? I thought Reggie made it up.” Barty kept talking with the joint in hand as I struggled to maintain my concentration. I didn't want to be rude in his sexuality realisation episode. 

“Why the hell would I do that?” The raven-haired boy narrowed his eyes again while gesturing with his fine and pale hands, the hands of someone who put so much detail in everything he did. 

“Because you love me? I don't fucking know,” Regulus sighed, burning his face into the contents of the notebook. Crouch stared at me for a second before starting to speak again. “I... I struggled for months before, you know, accepting I liked that arsehole and at the same time finding women attractive... and then I told myself that everyone else found women hot as fuck, so I was just a gay man appreciating female existence."

I laughed at that, knowing I had a similar situation. I had never doubted my attraction to men, it was something I had pretty much cemented since I was a kid. Discovering and accepting that I liked women was a hard process of self-discovery. I remember Mary as my bisexual awakening, and she is fully aware of it. I felt both odd when I spent time with her, and charmed by her outgoing demeanour and perfectly coiled curls, as well as her love of literature and her intellect.

Later on she started dating Sirius. 

In Barty's face, the struggle he'd had was almost tangible. I couldn't imagine how difficult being queer in a family like his would be so I'm more than happy to know they had each other. The universe did the greatest of jobs by putting them all together, such good mates with good hearts which were cracked up by people outside their circle. But all together manage to fix each crack. Learning about them was as refreshing as it was delightful. Opening the portals to a new door full of different ways of looking at things, of handling life. But perhaps this moment wasn't the best one and maybe smoking right now hadn’t been my greatest idea.

“I learned what bisexuality was in the summer between second and third grade. You learn a lot more in the Muggle world than you think. Choosing has always been a struggle for me, not having to do it was a relief.” I flashed him a sincere smile.

“How many dicks did you suck that summer?” Regulus asked with an indifferent voice tone and I stuck out my middle finger. I uttered the word bitch and he mouthed whore back. 

I can swear to Merlin rolling my eyes will be the reason I go blind. At least, he looked more relaxed. He finished writing and took the page off, with a quick spell he made it disappear.

“Bisexuality, huh? Sounds cool.” He leaned back in his bed again thinking to himself, making the three of us laugh. 

He looked at us, confused, but proceeded to ignore us as he continued to brood. I stopped looking at Crouch to focus back on Rosier, my mind kept circling over the idea of him knowing who I liked. No one knew about it. I'd made sure of it.

“I think you broke him,” Evan said, still cackling at his boyfriend's expense. In his eyes, still, there was a slight gleam of happiness. “I see smoke coming out of your ears. No need to try so hard, love.”

“Fuck off.” he pulled his middle finger out but had a smirk on his face, he lay with his arms behind his head, looking up at the greenish fabric ceiling.

“Now,” I turned to Reggie but he too had gone back to his own thing, ignoring us completely. From here I could see the little scribbles in his notebook made with charcoal, drawings my poor vision couldn't quite differentiate. Madam Pomfrey had recommended I go to the optician as she said my eyesight was only going to get worse but unless she was the one paying for them, I'd cope just fine. "Evan, tell me what you think you know.” 

His expression turned serious, and that, to be honest, scared me. It seemed like an overreaction but with all my heart I wanted to keep them from knowing the truth.

“Is Severus, isn't he?” 

The way he phrased that name was so solemn and inquisitive that for a second I thought he was serious. I don't think there would ever be anyone brave enough to go out with someone as low and nondescript as him. Not even a Gryffidor, and courage is supposed to be our best quality.

“What, no, of course not. Ew,” my face must have reflected true contempt because Evan's laughter grew loud enough to draw the attention of the rest of the people in the room.

“That better not be my name, Lupin,” said Barty, his fingers twiddling to show he was watching me intently. I ignored the lad, focusing entirely on the blond.

“Just kidding,” he wiped away a tear caused by the laughter that threatened to fall from his watery eyes and then his gaze softened and I could see the sympathy in them. “It's Sirius, I know, but calm down no word will come out of my mouth. I swear.”

I froze for a few seconds hoping my reaction was nonchalant. Deny it. Deny it. 

“No, what? Are you for real now?” I let out a soft laugh, shaking my head.

“What do you mean? Is he not the one?” he frowned his brows.

I let out a false sigh before taking another puff of the joint and then passing it to him. I didn't want to know how he had even found out. I had always treated Sirius like any other friend.

“Of course not, we're just friends,” 

“Yeah, just like Barty and I,” he huffed, not believing it for a second. Have I ever mentioned he’s stubborn as fuck? “Is not him? For real?” 

“Not a possibility even in a thousand years, Rosier,” I laughed. 

The only truth that had come out of my mouth in the last few minutes. We could never be together, and after what had happened with Snape, the odds were much lower. He was so talented and would go far in life if he didn't make it difficult for himself, I was nothing in comparison.

“Well then you probably should talk to Sirius because I think he does like you,” his seriousness made me laugh for real.

Now that was the biggest stupidity of the day. There wasn't the slightest doubt in my mind that Sirius only liked women, he had said so himself. He was supportive of me and Peter but he didn't fit into the queer group.

“He's straight, Evan, a heterosexual. Again, not happening.” 

“Sirius? Straight? Now that's funny,” he took the joint and put it into his lips again. “Have you seen his clothing? His entire appearances yells flaming homesexual, Lupin” 

I gave him a tiny punch in his shoulder. “Stereotypes are something you shouldn't apply as a rule, dumbass, look at you.”

This time, he punched me but then set his arm on my shoulders. 

“This time, I'm right, you'll see,” Rosier sounded so confident with his words, I could just look at him a bit shocked.

“Sure,” I nodded. “You really got me scared for a second, I have to admit that.”

I didn't like having to lie to them but this couldn't come out, it was too embarrassing. Falling in love with my straight best friend? I had heard too many times how that caused nothing but conflict. 

“Is it so awful?” he asked.

“Could be worse, Snape perhaps,” 

“Sure, I'll buy that.” he leaned a bit closer. “Rem, if you want to tell us you can trust us, we do know how to keep a secret.”

His voice was firm, confident, and sincere. It made me feel worse, but I could never really trust anyone entirely, that's what I had learned, and it would be very difficult to change my mind. He rested his head on my shoulder before giving it a squeeze. 

“You just want to gossip, admit it, old lady,” we took a step away from each other and I put out the joint, with a spell that dissipated the smell. “Now let's go to sleep. Reggie, tomorrow we can go and talk to Minnie, I’m sure she’ll give us a solution if there’s no other way.”

“Thanks, Rem, really,” 

“No worries,” I gestured with my hands before putting them in my waist. “Now, I’m going to need some clothes to sleep on so if …” before I could finish I already had thrown at me different pieces of cloth.

Chapter 12: Getting to Like You.

*Evan Rosier*

Habits - Genevieve Stokes.

I felt someone's hand on my waist pulling my body to their chest. Immediately pulling away, I felt my heart racing, my whole body on full alert. As I turn around, I stare wide-eyed at Barty's face as he pushes his hair away from his face, eyes half closed oblivious to what was happening.

For a few seconds I found it more than difficult not to gulp in all the air that had left my lungs when I woke up so unnecessarily frightened. I took in and released air through my nose in total silence, knowing that if I spoke, the lack of oxygen would be too noticeable.

I focused on the features of his sleepy face, my flickering pupils observing what was in front of me was not a risk.  

We're safe.

Reggie was fine, Barty was fine, and so was I.

“Evan, are you alright?” his raspy voice noticeably concerned. “Did you have a nightmare again?”

It took me a couple of seconds to process the words coming out of his mouth, my mind remained clouded for a few more seconds, still overwhelmed and slightly paralysed by the resemblance to reality my dreams displayed. But no matter how much it looked like it, she wasn't here. My brain didn’t seem to be getting that piece of information. 

“What? No,” I snorted, sitting up against the headboard. “You were rolling around on me, I know I'm irresistible but this room is too hot.”

Ignoring what I’ve said he gave me some space, as he always did when I got agitated. He let me process what had happened on my own before intervening. I often hated the fact he knew me so thoroughly because I didn't want him to make a big deal out of something that wasn't even real. Now he was fully awake and with his scrutinising gaze he analysed me as he had learned to do over the years.

“Are you sure? Look me in the eye,” he sat down next to me, the green curtains around us letting in the dim light. Looking for some clue that might indicate I was lying but I already knew all his tricks so I narrowed my eyes and grabbed his chin to pull him closer to me.

“Yes, Bartemius, I'm better than fine,” I placed a kiss on his forehead. “Come here.”

I closed my eyes while he couldn't see me, trying to focus on anything but the horrible feeling that was invading my body. Like something piercing the centre of my chest.

“Oi, not while I'm here, you nasty people.” Regulus opened the curtains in one swift movement and looked at us with a raised eyebrow. Already dressed and prepared to leave for class. “Come on, we'll be late for breakfast.”

Barty grabbed my face with both hands and gave me a quick peck on the lips before pulling away. I didn't have time to react, I leaned my head forward belatedly by the time my boy had already leaned back against the backrest, arms behind his neck. “You need some sex in your life, Black, you sulky bitch.”

I pulled my knees to my chest and turned to face him while blatantly ignoring Regulus's look of hatred. Everyone in this room knew the two of us had never slept together, caresses were another matter entirely; the young Black was aware of every single detail about it because Barty had made sure of it. Besides, if we had slept together we would have received the longest lecture of our lives, which I planned to spare myself for now.

Crouch and I let ourselves get carried away with the constant gossip because we already cared little about what they might think of us. It had cost me too much to ask him out to now be worrying about outside comments.

“Just move, damn it,” the black-haired man complained, heading for the door. Before he even touched the knob he turned back to us. “And make it the last time you mention James in front of Remus or I'll kill you in your sleep.”

Neither of us responded. Maybe Barty and I were constantly joking, yet we knew when to be serious and when Regulus was really meaning his word. But this time I didn't know if he wanted to keep it a secret because he didn't trust Remus or for a different reason. I usually read people’s minds quite well 

My opinion of the boy had changed a bit over the past few weeks. I promised Reggie I would be the best version of myself until scar boy decided to leave, and I was keeping my word.

“I'm going to take a quick shower,” I said, stepping gingerly over Barty's bare legs.

“Can I join you?” he asked me in a playful but gentle tone. I looked up at his face, avoiding grimacing because of the headache I actually did have. He was too worried about me.

“Stay here, Bartemius, why are you so horny at 8:00 am?” Reggie let out a long sigh of exasperation and threw the first thing he found on the floor at him.

“We're teenagers, that's literally all I have to be,” he replied, as he grabbed my hand, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Do we need to have the sex talk, Reginald?”

“I'm out,” I said, wanting nothing to do with that conversation, leaving a kiss on his knuckles. Regulus was literally like my brother and I didn't feel like listening to what Barty had to say about sex if it wasn't directly to me.

“I want you downstairs in twenty minutes, less actually,” Reggie said, using a threatening voice that only worked with the ones who didn’t know him closely. He always tried to look so brooding and aloof that it just came out on its own, and while he could be as intimidating as someone coming from where he did could be, I was never afraid to speak my mind with him. Because underneath it all was the boy I had basically grown up with, my sister had been more of a Sirius fan but me and Regulus's menacing stares were already close friends. I loved him like little else in my life.

“I can do very efficient and effective things in five,” the boy suggested, causing me to quickly turn to him.

“Sure you can, big boy, but I mean it, and stay away from my bed... or anything mine.” He pointed at both of us with his index finger on which he wore a silver ring that Dora had given him for his birthday. All of us in the group wore something silver in the shape of a snake, except for our clever Ravenclaw who had a necklace with a small eagle on it, courtesy of Bartemius Crouch's pocket. “Then you whine you don't have time for breakfast.”

“Yeah, sure, enjoy eating Potter out,” he blurted out, knowing that blood would rush up our friend's neck. My other shoe flying towards the brunet's face. “Hey, Lupin's not here, I have the right to make fun of you now.”

“I... You shut your bloody mouth.” Just like that Regulus stormed out, his face bearing all the shame of dating a dog disguised as a lion. 

In the end, Barty stayed in the room for both our sakes. I turned on the shower and tried to relax under the warm water, every drop that fell on my body felt like light pinpricks; no matter the pressure or the temperature, the sensation created nothing but unease. I fucking hated these kind of days. My dreams had been getting worse and worse over the last few weeks, so I had been avoiding sleeping with Barty or Reggie so as not to interfere with their already poor sleep; yesterday had been the exception, as we stayed up most of the night talking. Shouldn’t have done that.

I couldn't explain to anyone how I felt my mother's menacing, piercing eyes on my back at every moment. How anxious I felt for no reason before I went to sleep. Every single day, at least once, I remember how she expected me to be better, better than the others, better than they had been. Every step I took had to be measured to the millimetre, I had to be precise, calm, intelligent, skilled in every subject according to them. Although the only thing I had learned from them was how to lie.

Everything I did they disliked would end up in a cruel and imaginative punishment, I didn't even want to think about what they’ll do now I got the piercing done. Yet the only thing that kept me from being the submissive son they wanted was how much I enjoyed seeing them pissed off about the small unimportant things I do. Knowing I had some sort of control over their nerves made my days a bit better. 

Nothing would hurt them more than for their only son to go down the drain, and after so many years by their side, it was clear to me that this would be my mission. In the end I would pay them back for all the damage they’d done to me and my little sister. She was taken to Beauxbatons, thousands of miles away from me and I know they did it as a punishment, in fact she has been banned from sending me letters unless they go through my parents first. My relationship with my sister was the only thing that still bound me to my parents and removing her from my side had been consequential to my actions; the decision was made days after I was caught kissing Barty –our first kiss– when his family came to visit.

I spent the whole summer without hearing from him, both of us were cut off from all our friends. We weren't even dating at the time, we were no more than fourteen. After spending the worst weeks, not only because of my parents but because I didn't know what was happening to him, it was time to start school again and my parents let me go back without any problems. They just sent Emma away.

I hated holidays so much.

The time to go back to my parents was getting closer and closer, not only my brain knew it, my whole body was now covered with red marks from how much I had been scratching, itching that only appeared when I had my anxiety spiked. I had them all over my back and arms, some on my legs. My nails weren't even that long and I still found a way to make the marks burn all over my body. It was a temporary relief for the localised pain inside my head. To think that it would all go away just by ignoring was so silly.

“You've taken long enough, I need to pee,” I got out of the tub and he put his hands on my waist to pull me to his side. “How do you look so good, mhm?”

I placed my wet hands on his cheeks and although he made a gesture of sheer annoyance he didn't pull away. Our gazes intertwined in a duel in which we gambled on losing ourselves in each other's presence. I ran a finger over his lips making them slightly parted.

“How can you make my days better just by standing there looking so ugly?” I responded with a small smile to which he returned a punch to my bare chest, taking a step back. He knew I obviously didn't mean it, I spent an embarrassing chunk of my time mentioning how good he looks. Every day , I wasn't even joking.

“Fuck you,” his fingernail traced the path from the centre of my collarbone to my navel. “I look like a rockstar.”

I stared at his freckles, unfortunately less visible as the years went by, reminding me of the day I saw him entering the dining room escorted by two kids, including Dorcas, children of his father's friends. As on the first day we spoke to each other it was to fight, on that occasion related to which bed each of us would choose.

We didn't like each other at all, and this is how we'd ended up five years later.

“Ok, Mr. Rockstar, come here,” it was my turn to grab him around the waist. I slipped my hands under the short sleeved t-shirt he was wearing, which was actually mine, leaving them above the band of his grey boxer, the only piece of clothing he wore underneath.

“Reggie's going to be pretty mad if we're late,” he reminded me, stepping closer, placing his hands on my shoulders to play with the back of my hair. 

“When is he not mad?” I tilted my head to the side and he let out a short laugh. His smile triggering mine.

“Right,” he lunged at my lips and I immediately pushed him towards the nearest wall within our reach. He gripped my hair tightly pulling myself closer to him with more urgency, my towel at risk of falling off my hip.

A few seconds later I slowed down the kiss and then broke away with a happy sigh. Barty ran a hand down my cheek causing me to lean into it, finally feeling a lot calmer than I had this morning.

“Hey, are you actually okay?” his voice was no more than a whisper, I opened my eyes to watch as worry still shone over his brown eyes. He took a step back to look directly into my face, his hands now clasped around my forearms, caressing right where I had the tattoo I got with his initials. Yes, I knew it was crazy, many had been trying to tell us about it, but if things didn't work out between us, we could erase it with magic. For now my heart belonged only to him.

Since that horrible summer, I promised myself not to get him into any more trouble, especially if it were my own and so irrelevant. A promise I made with myself.

“Barty, yes, I'm better than okay,” I pressed his forehead to mine, trying to make my voice sound as steady and confident as ever. “Now come here...please.”

I gave him a hug, one of those hugs that made you wonder how you had been able to survive without one for so long, one of those that made your heart ache a little just from all the emotions it conveyed. 

“I...I...thank you,” leaving a kiss on the top of his head as I walked out of the bathroom. 

I didn't want to ruin what we had so I should just shut my mouth but sometimes the... love in my chest felt so intense that I couldn't even hide it. I didn't even feel comfortable saying it myself. I was so scared, I didn't want Barty to feel pressured by me and I mean, we're 16. A tattoo seemed simpler. 

“I need a joint,” I muttered as I hurriedly got dressed, later picking up every item I saw we had thrown on the floor the night before. Remus had slept over for the last two days and it was time for him to go back to his room, we didn’t want problems with no professor. Still he left early in the morning, having to do his prefect chores.

His company had been mostly pleasant, I guess. Even I was surprised at how quickly he had settled into our group, the four of us had had a great time together. Regulus was happy to have him around, and that made the rest of us happy. I still wasn't sure how I felt about this Gryffindor; I enjoyed annoying him, teasing him constantly, especially when he brought out that side of him I would never have imagined existed. The spark of his personality.

I shook the thought off quickly, forgetting all the time Barty had been in the shower, he was now singing along to one of his favourite rock songs. 

“Crouch, dépêche-toi ,” I yelled.

“Shut that stupid French mouth of yours and give me a second,”

One of Barty's wondrous qualities is he’s a quick learner, and when I insisted on teaching him French it turned out he was more excited than I was. He quickly picked up vocabulary and like Dorcas who had Reggie as a teacher, he was able to learn French quickly.

“Shut up and get your stupid ass out of the bathroom,” I responded, fixing my tie in front of the mirror. I hated these stupid ropes. There were times when I closed my eyes and they seemed to become hands, familiar hands, the same ones I saw every night over and over and over and over and over...

“Why is it you can take all the time you want and I can only enjoy 10 minutes?” 

...again.

“Because I need my time to look my best, Bartemius,” I quickly cleared my thoughts and glanced at the clock hanging on the wall opposite the beds. “Besides, we're late already, hurry up.”

“ Hurry up ,” he mocked me before turning around and letting his towel fall to the floor from his hips. I didn't look away at any point nor did he cover up, he wandered across the room just as he came into the world. No shame at all.

“I hate you,” I said as I turned to pick up my backpack, my cheeks slightly flushed at the boy's lack of modesty.

“Kiss my ass, Rosier,” he crooned with a chuckle afterwards.

After he got dressed we went downstairs, getting Barty out of the room on time has always seemed like a particularly difficult mission considering his tendency to get distracted by anything other than getting ready to leave, still today it could be blamed on me and how long I zoned out in the shower. 

The Common Room would have been completely empty if two of our most annoying housemates, Mulciber and Avery, hadn't been standing there throwing punches at each other like little kids, arguing about something probably stupid. There were some of our mates who made it their daily goal to be the most annoying thing in the world and make everyone else's day a living hell. In Slytherin, most of the students were minding their own business, focused on their own goals and their close knit groups of friends, but some people deserved to get beaten up every time they opened their mouths. These two were a case in point.

“Oh, look at the faggots,” Mulciber let out a harsh laugh, looking at us with pure disgust. We walked past him, me having to slyly nudge Barty to keep him from getting into a fight. I've never considered myself to be a peaceful person, I firmly believe that violence was necessary at certain times. “How's your arse today, Crouch? Or is it you this week, Rosier? I suppose you take it in turns to…”

Staring at the wall in front of me I slowed down. We were less than a metre from the door, I needed to relax and breathe through my nose and not let them....

“Silencio,” Barty whispered, waving his wand in their direction. “Too soon to deal with your shit.”

“Do you have something to say, Avery?” I asked, turning my head towards them, the boy took a step backwards bumping into the desk behind his back. 

Seeing that they weren't responding and I was still losing my patience with every passing second, Barty grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room with an expression of extreme seriousness. I wanted to go back and leave them worse than silent but I couldn't, it was too risky. In the last few weeks he had already got into a few fights with students from different houses, especially Gryffindors after quidditch matches. If he was caught in a fight again he’d be temporarily suspended from the team and as we lack Gryffindor’s favouritism it’d be impossible to escape the situation.

“Next time I'll curse them, I swear to Merlin,” he blurted out once we were in the corridor. I was too mentally saturated, now I wanted to go back to my bed and not interact with anyone for the rest of the day, although that's a pretty obvious way of pointing out that I wasn't feeling well. 

“Barty, do you ever regret not hiding our relationship anymore?” I blurted out, I had questioned that a few times. I didn't want him to do this just for me, I needed to be sure that this decision belonged to both of us. We had little to hide, the people who were most dangerous to us already knew about us, but maybe he still didn't feel comfortable with how we were showing ourselves to the others. 

“What are you talking about? No, of course not, never, Evan.” He stopped in the middle of the empty corridor, tucking his wand back into his robes.  “Those wankers manage to get on my nerves, that's all.”

I left a light kiss on his lips, having to lower my head a little as I was an inch or so taller. Which I enjoyed immensely. “There won't be a next time, I promise, my darling.” 

“That's way too cheesy,” he started on his way to the dining room again, throwing his head back to look at me. “You're lucky I like you.”

A bloody earthquake went through my stomach when Barty blurted out those words just like that. My expression quickly changed to a sideways grin and I quickened my pace to put my arm around his waist. I felt the muscles in his back tighten under my hand and then he pressed himself closer to me. I could already hear all the noise coming from all the students running down the corridor, I had to be quick.

“I'd love to go back to our room so you can show me how much you like me,” I suggested, gripping him a little tighter. I was fully aware of the fact that we couldn't, living at school made it hard to miss classes.

“We could…” his eyes glanced at me again with a certain twinkle in them.

“Morning, guys,” Remus' voice came out of nowhere, our bodies jumped in alarm. He was leaning against the corner facing the corridor in front of us, arms crossed and an amused expression on his face.

“Bloody hell, Lupin,” Barty blurted out as the boy approached him with a punch to the arm that the boy dodged, now scowling.

“Don't be so dramatic,” he rolled his eyes, as he often did, correctly placing the backpack on his shoulders. From spending so much time with him it had dawned on me why Regulus liked him so much. The two of them were practically separated at birth, everything that used to get on my nerves with my friend was repeated in Remus.

I wouldn't stoop so low as to begrudge the possibility of how far their friendship could go but I did have a hard time trusting the Gryffindor. His brother and James were basically consuming him, how could I let anyone else do the same? I know Remus could get to... I knew I could get to like him a bit more, Barty and Dorcas were also charmed by him, not to mention Pandora whose study sessions sometimes stretched until almost bedtime.

“Screw you.” I replied with my best polite expression, pulling my arm away from my boyfriend and shoving them into my pocket. “What are you doing here?” 

With a nod of his head he invited us to resume our march down the busy corridors.

“Reggie sent me a message asking me to come pick you guys up,” he replied. 

Barty and I looked at each other, surprised he hadn't done it sooner.

“Oh, he thinks we can't be trusted,” he complained in an exaggeratedly loud tone.

All around us there were several students who kept glancing sideways at us as we passed, and I unashamedly returned their gaze, causing them to avert their gaze immediately. Remus must have noticed it too because his posture was stiffer than usual, he was trying to hide it and he was good at it but he was nervous about something.

“He says you're thirty minutes late to whatever he asked you to do,” he explained, looking at us with a raised eyebrow. 

“Time is just a stupid number,” Barty brushed the matter off with a charming smile. “It's an hour or so before the first class starts for sure.”

Even I didn't believe that one, we were now standing next to one of the areas that led outside.

“Actually we have five minutes,” Lupin replied, crossing his arms. I noticed how he dug his nails into his robes or scratched slyly but hard. 

“Oh,” the boy next to me just shrugged innocently. “Well, everyone makes mistakes.”

“Not me,” my answer came out with any kind of previous thought. He looked at me unimpressed, putting his hand on my face and pushing me back. 

I'm not perfect, I could be, but my parents would be too happy about it for my liking. I grabbed the back of his neck and gave it a little squeeze and then let out a smack, quickly settling myself next to Lupin. He looked at me for a few seconds, weighing whether it was worth playing along.

“What class do you have now?” he asked Lupin, deciding to ignore me.

Remus had a blank stare at that point, his mind had wandered but he quickly refocused on us for a second rather confused as if he hadn't heard the question.  Barty and I shared a quick glance, he’d noticed too.

“Herbology,” he finally replied, letting out a throat clearing. “Now move faster.”

He turned towards the exit, waiting for us to follow.

“So demanding,” I teased him. He scratched his neck letting out a snort but didn't respond to me like he usually did.

“I'll leave you here, I have Divination,” Barty said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I didn't pick Sprout this year for the best, I can't stand her.”

I knew Barty had chosen Divination just so the professor could teach him Legermancy. The professor sometimes offered extra lessons to expand his syllabus for those who could stand him for more than two hours at a time, but since my boyfriend had the ability to absorb all the information he was interested in, I'm sure he would do well.

"She's literally the nicest teacher in our year," Remus argued without looking at us.

I frowned and with a gesture indicating to Barty to head to his class, we would meet in the next one. He nodded suspiciously, Remus and I had rarely been completely alone but it's not like now there was no one else in the group I was going to treat him badly. It was possible he'd had a run-in with Sirius, I didn't know the boy well enough to know everything that could trigger such a passive-aggressive attitude. It could range from the smallest thing to a major issue, and I was currently debating whether or not to stick my hand in the wound.

“See you later, guys,” he dismissed with a pat on my hand.

Remus and I started walking towards the greenhouse, keeping a reasonably comfortable silence. Every few minutes I glanced sideways, checking his whole body, posture and expression. As he hid his hands as he walked, something not at all advisable with his height; he was observing everything around him, wide awake. The Lupin I normally encountered was very much in control of the way he was perceived, I had never seen him act this way before.

“Do you want to join us for lunch, Lupin? We can do the robes thing if you feel like it, it’ll be funny.” I invited him, we already had a plan to do so soon, so why not do it in a day we all seemed to be in a bad mood. There were times I found myself sounding like Dora.

He looked at me, his eyes attempting to communicate something his mouth wouldn’t say out loud and after a moment he nodded, forcing a small smile in his expression.

“That’d be great, actually.” he finally answered. “I’d love to.”

I returned the gesture; Regulus would be proud of me.

Notes:

Special chapter!! Rosekiller will always have a tiny piece of my heart <3
I hope you had a great week, babes, see you in the next chapter.

Chapter 13: May the best win.

*Sirius Black*

Astronomy - Conan Gray

“You know what comes with December? Exams.” Lily tucked her hair, which had escaped from her ponytail, behind her ears. Despite the fact she's been studying since the first day of school and that there was a month to go before midterms, she thought she wasn't keeping up with the coursework. She had a tendency to worry too much about things that were in fact totally within her control, Lily Evans always got top marks and she did because she was a maverick and went to the next level. Something to admire, no doubt. I didn't even want to talk about how I was doing with my studies at the moment because in comparison, I was years behind.

Every time I tried to study I couldn't even sit for an hour, I couldn't concentrate so, as I used to do, I would leave everything for the last weeks, just to have an anxiety attack and sweat it out with coffee and days without sleep.

“You know what also comes with December, redhead? Christmas, merry and joyful holidays.” Marlene closed the book right in front of her friend, slipping her arm around her shoulder. “So let me enjoy my existence while I still can, will you?”

Lily let out a groan of despair but nodded her head before leaning towards her friend as the blonde stroked her hair. “I feel like my brain is going to explode.”

Collective exhaustion dominated our naturally active group, minus Frank of course, no one could ever stop him. But overall the vibes had been more subdued, today we had the match against the snakes and our surroundings were full of positive energy from both Slytherins and Gryffindors; both excited and thrilled for the upcoming event. We were like a big grey cloud over a fully blue sky.

“If you want we can do a Charms review later,” James offered with a polite smile, even he had dark circles under his eyes. He was trying so hard to juggle all his school life with extracurriculars and so on. Quidditch was the only stable thing in his life right now and he would never think of giving it up but the stress was also getting the better of his enthusiasm.

Lily lifted her head from Marlene's shoulder and nodded, returning the gesture. 

“Yes, I'd love that,” her kind voice caused Prongs to widen his grin. “Thank you.”

Conversations continued quietly. Since Remus had been gone the group had split into smaller sections that became more accentuated as time went on. Peter had stopped going to our training sessions, he spent more time with Mary and Marlene while James hung out more often, surprisingly, with Lily; the pair of Alice and Frank, now that studies and training took up a large part of their time, used their remaining time to be alone. And I was alone, and it felt both good and bad. Sometimes I needed moments to myself to think, other times those moments tore me apart. This doesn't mean that I felt left out, far from it, I spent my evenings with my friends, but much less so than before.

I was isolating myself, I knew it. I felt like I was rolling downhill, with no capability to slow down.

“Come to think of it, Sirius, you'll be able to come to our lunch after Christmas this year, won't you?”

I turned my head towards Frank who sat diagonally across from me, the rest of them stared at me waiting for my answer.

Every year since about third grade, they would meet up at someone's house for an after-Christmas dinner. I had never been able to go to one because of my situation, my parents had enough with me getting sorted into Gryffindor to let me enjoy the friends I had made here. 

“I'm certainly looking forward to it,” I smiled.

I actually did want to go, something I felt like doing at last. What I hated was that my arrival at this celebration would take place in the year one of us wouldn't be there. I knew the full moon would arrive days before the event, maybe even during exams which he could make up later as he would be surely staying here for the holidays as the past few years; even if he was well enough to come, I was certain that I would not see Remus at the dinner.

Maybe believing the night of my birthday I had made some sort of breakthrough with him was somewhat naïve. We made jokes, he smiled and made me feel so overjoyed, a literal hurricane in my chest; he didn't come back to the room that night though, and I know for sure because I could barely sleep. I suspected he had spent the night, and a couple of the following ones, with the Slytherins, which filled me with a strange feeling of annoyance and something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I had ruled out the nursery as when I saw him in class he seemed fine.

“Remember is at my house this year,” James said excitedly too, he had put his arm around my shoulders and was looking at me with a tiny smile. “It's going to be perfect.”

I nodded my head, ever grateful to have him by my side, as I took a sip from my glass of water.

“Yeah, it's going to be great, man,” Frank clapped his hands enthusiastically. “What about Remus?”

I set the glass down on the table carefully avoiding acting over the top, I simply nibbled on a piece of the salad I was eating waiting for someone else to respond. The question wasn't directed specifically at me so I preferred to pass. No one but the people at Slughorn's party knew about our conversation and I doubted Lily had told anyone. I hadn't because I didn't see the need to update anything, I didn't know if Remus saw it as a move towards our reconciliation.

“Uh, I don't think he'll be joining us,” Wormy replied, shrugging but not delving into the subject.

“Oh, why?” insisted Frank with a frown. He and Remus weren't the closest but they still got along great, not to mention how much the boy cared about everyone else, he was just too clueless to realise what was going on. “And where is he, by the way?”

“Speak of the devil,” Marlene said, turning back to us,  her expression unable to contain the shock of what she was seeing. “What the fuck is he wearing.”

James's hand dropped from my shoulders looking at the same odd scene just in front of our eyes. Most people stared at them and it wasn't for much less. I hadn't seen Remus in here for almost a month but I didn't think this would be his comeback. Unless I was colour blind, I could’ve sworn what he was wearing wasn't the Gryffindor robes, his green and silver tie looked like a neon light sign. Not to mention Evan Rosier himself wearing Remus' own clothes was astounding.

Remus had such a regal look and attitude, if I hadn't known him all my life I would have believed he belonged in that House. Words wouldn't come out of my mouth because there was enough chaos inside me, had I turned Moony into that? No one at our table uttered a word for a full minute.

“What?” Frank looked at his girlfriend, uncomprehending, no one answered him for a while, not even Alice.

When I saw some Slytherin's welcoming him to their side I realised what I was feeling was panic. What if we'd lost him forever? The others looked at him with much more hatred than usual, and I wondered if my brother and his friends' influence was so great no one had dared to throw him out of their table. While all this was going on, Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore were whispering and staring at the scene before them.

“No way,” Mary whispered, more surprised than disgusted. I heard her start to ask Peter but I blocked all that out to focus on the matter.

“Turn around, Francis,” Marlene scolded him without any kind of delicacy.

This was something intrinsic in the school, respect for each of the houses by each student was natural. Many would see this as a betrayal. His most respected prefect changed his clothes to that of the most hated House.

“Isn't that your brother, Sirius?” Someone around us asked, I didn't even turn to look at who it was, I didn't answer either, I just glanced at Peter and James who weren't saying a word either.

The conversations returned to their usual tone in the Hall but the content of them remained the same. Remus and Crouch were sitting facing us, just a table away, and with their backs to us were Rosier and my brother, despite that, Moony avoided looking directly at anything but his companions.

Little Crouch, however, seemed to be happier than ever with our looks of uncontained astonishment, so much so that after a few words Rosier turned his head slyly and gave me a small smile until Regulus nudged him a little, apparently scolding them both.

“Well, that's new,” Alice commented now that the whole group had fallen silent.

Lily, despite seeing them together at dinner and asking me dozens of questions I couldn't really answer, didn't respond negatively. Today, however, with her frown and pent-up feelings perfectly visible on her face, she didn't seem to like the situation at all. Of all the snakes in this school he had picked the worst, it hadn't crossed my mind what Remus and my brother's lackeys had in common.

“Is he going to eat with them?” Frank frowned before turning back to them for the last time.

Marlene turned to him as if she expected the boy to say it was a joke. I didn't need to look at her to know she was about to throw any of the fruit on the table at him.

My mind at the moment was analysing the smirk on Remus's face, totally inexplicable to me; at that moment Crouch was holding him by the arms directing his smirk towards my friend. I looked back at James.

“No, they're going to duel over the tables, you donkey,” she replied sarcastically after receiving no response. “Frankie, I love you very much but use that brain a little.”

At that same moment, another Slytherin entered the room, Dorcas Meadows, and as she reached Remus' side, she gave him a short hug and left a kiss on his cheek. Marls frowned at the scene, still half-turned towards them. I didn't understand anything either.

“No need to be rude, McKinnon,” Frank complained, receiving a peck on the cheek from his girlfriend, they both started to speak softly and lovingly to the other. They were disgustingly adorable, a universal reaction to watching them being so cute and gentle to each other was wanting to have a partner.

I've dated a couple of girls but I never seemed to feel anything deeper than a shallow, platonic love. Maybe my parents had completely screwed me over. I'd dated Mary for almost a full year during our fourth grade, the longest relationship I'd ever had, and we'd broken up by mutual agreement when we realised that it could never be more than a friendship. I think we stayed together for so long out of sheer convenience, I found her really attractive and she's one of the best people I know and still nothing.

“We have to stop looking at them,” urged Wormy, who despite his words was also still looking at our friend's table.

The clothes Remus was wearing was what really left me speechless, just...why? And how Rosier dared to even wear our crest, after years and years of laughing at us like nobody else, hating our existence. Yet another mockery.  Though it was funny to see a half-blood werewolf wearing the garb of the house that fought for the purebloods.

“They need to stop stealing my friend,” Marlene said, indignant. “How long has he known Dorcas?”

I hoped her question wasn't directed at me because as much as it was my brother's friend group I had no idea what was going on in it, much less now that we were mad at each other. Although I'd like to know too.

As I watched Remus I could see his little twitches, unintentional movements he made when he was really tense or anxious, or when a transformation was coming. They were mostly unnoticeable if you didn't know his condition but I was 100% sure that was what it was all about. If I looked a little closer I would catch him making some involuntary grimace.

“Didn't he tell you they weren't friends?” asked Mary, and all I could do was shrug. I tested myself, concentrating on spotting any other signs that would give me a glimpse of what was wrong with him.

“Technically, that's not what I said,” I blurted out softly, not looking at her. “I don't know everything my brother does.”

After a few minutes I thought about giving up and determining that perhaps I was being alarmist until I saw how he rested his elbows on the table and ran his hands through his tousled hair, massaging his scalp for a few short seconds. I know that Madame Pomfrey had given him that trick to relax some of his overstimulated senses. 

“Well, green doesn't look bad on him,” Mary commented, earning quizzical looks from most of the group. “What? It's just a robe, a little joke like you lot do. Let's not make a spectacle of it, Remus will get enough of that from the rest of the House, he's just having fun.”

We remained silent as she finished speaking.

It left me thinking about it for several minutes, using my basic reasoning skills to the best of my ability, trying not to be an idiot on purpose. In a way I could understand Mary's point. I couldn't get upset or whatever I was feeling at the time about this. It's a consequence of my actions and as much as I disliked it, it seemed like it was doing him good.

“You're right,” they all turned to look at me. Marls raised an eyebrow, not sure if I meant it. My tone was low and didn't sound very convincing, but behind my emotions that were getting me into so much trouble there was a part of me that knew Remus deserved a supportive group to have fun and laugh with.

I still hated it with every fibre in my body, I didn't want it to be them but I could take it...I think. I would try.

Tearing my eyes away from them, I fixed them on the table taking a deep, quiet breath. “It's not that deep, Remus knows what he's doing.”

The blonde looked like she couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth, most of the table acted the same way. Prongs just grabbed my hand under the table, wordlessly, and gave a quick squeeze, which I returned.

“Sirius the Drama Queen saying something isn't that deep, unimaginable,” Marlene teased me. “That's your best friend hanging out with our natural enemies.”

I shrugged and went back to eating my food. I didn't expect to be understood because my opinion could fluctuate greatly over the course of a few days, changing too often. But if there was one thing I understood after my talk with Remus, it was that I missed him. Very much. So much that my body trembled with excitement to talk to him again, I hadn't felt so happy in months. He was my friend and I had faith that we would be close again.

“Look, neither of you want to tell us what happened, I get it... sort of,” Lily interjected. “But this is weird even for me, why is Remus there?”

Our friend's voice sounded more tense than ever, as she stood in front of me I was the one her eyes fell on first and from how intimidated I felt I immediately looked away. I wasn't sure what kind of answer to give her, since Marls and Alice knew, maybe it wasn't fair for her and Mary to be left in the dark about this when in a way they had also been hurt.

“Sometimes we find our new friends in the least suspected places,” Wormy said with a small smile that exuded a certain longing. “And if he's with them they can't be that bad, don't you trust Remus's judgement?”

“This has nothing to do with his judgement,” Lily sighed. “I'm tired of not knowing why my best friend won't even speak to me, and you guys know it. I think I deserve to understand.”

Knew this moment would come, she wasn't going to put up with any more excuses for much longer, what I also knew was this wasn't going to end well.

“This isn't about whether you deserve to know or not, Lils,” Pete replied, James and I were sort of acting crazy as if the conversation didn’t have to do with us. I didn't want to tell Lily out of fear, there was nothing else behind it. “It's about we can't go around telling, believe me we've learnt the hard way.”

She narrowed her eyes and looked at the rest of us, not understanding what was going on. She set the cutlery down on the table, moving her plate forward.

“You can't leave me out of a situation you got me into, either willingly or unwillingly.” She raised her voice slightly, staring at James more than the rest but the boy just looked at the table as if it was the coolest magic artifact ever, squeezing my hand a little tighter. “Nor them either.”

Alice and Marlene looked at each other and then at us, I knew they wanted us to tell them, they were right after all. The rest of the table was glancing at us every few minutes, listening to the conversation.

“Can we talk about it somewhere else, please?” I asked, pleading. Looking behind her, I caught Remus's gaze on us. This wasn't the best time.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” she questioned, her cheeks flushed with pent up anger.

“Lils, we can't…”

“Then that's all there is to talk about,” she got up from the table, not even waiting for us to finish our sentence. 

“Lils, hang on.” Mary stood up, glancing only at the girls before leaving.

I slipped my hand from my friend's to run it through my hair, stressed. This had become a circus too quickly.

“Guys, is it really that terrible what happened?” Frank intervened with his usual confused expression.“Is it something to do with the newspaper that came out the other day? They say they're even going to kill the edition.”

I looked at my friend in confusion, and shook my head “What are you talking about?”

“Rita Skeeter published an article that talked about the possibility of Remus dating your brother,” he said and I froze in place. “Something about him spending some evenings hanging around Gryffindor tower, I mean if it wasn't Remus he was expecting, who was it?”

I stared at my friend for longer than necessary, I don't think I even blinked. My brother would never go out with Remus... would he? They only had a couple of things in common: they liked to read, and they also had a pretty similar personality and humour; but since when did couples with the same personalities work out. And if it was happening, which I'm sure it wasn't, it wouldn't get very far, anywhere actually. It couldn't happen. Period.

“Come on, guys, that same article also paired him with the wacky duo,” Marlene replied, throwing a piece of her napkin to me. “That's bullshit.”

“Isn't that it then?”

“No, Frankie, it's quite different,” Pete responded. “But it'll all work out sooner rather than later.”

“Oh, well, then,” he turned his head and before he could say anything else he began to talk to someone else. “Prewett, man, wait for me, I had to talk to you about a new trick I've been thinking about. Talk to you later, guys”

He gave his girlfriend a kiss on the top of the head before walking away, waving goodbye to us with a quick movement of his hand.

“Okay, what are you going to do?” Alice whispered, leaning across the table. I was sure there were still people listening, so I sat closer to Prongs and urged Peter to do the same. “You can't leave Mary and Lily like that.”

We looked at each other, not quite sure what to do about it. It was clear that we owed them an explanation, but I wasn't sure if this was the right time. 

“Lily's been in a slump lately, I think it was her sister's birthday just now too,” Marlene commented, folding her arms across the table. “She doesn't need us, she needs her best friend and now she's lost him.”

I bit my bottom lip, tearing off a piece of skin, not knowing what to do or reply at least.

“Remus isn't coming back anytime soon apparently but I don't see you three moving to sort it out either,” the blonde continued, glancing behind her shoulder at the Slytherin table where they seemed to be having such a good time. “Believe me, we have considered the idea of distancing ourselves from you but even if we were to walk away willingly, he'd blame himself for separating the group. Let's hope he doesn't find out what just happened.”

The three of us nodded, each carrying our own grief and burden of guilt. I wish I could read my friends' minds, know what’s stirring them so much inside, and take it away somehow. I don't think I could ever repay them for all this.

“We don't know what to do, girls,” James replied, staring off somewhere in the dining room. “Obviously we want Remus back, I miss my friend.”

That was a given, the thing was, being impatient about it wouldn't get me very far. Just today was the last day I needed this to happen. 

“I'm telling you, because of your pretty little faces he's not coming back,” Marlene scoffed, before turning to look at me. “Well, maybe yours.”

I rolled my eyes and felt a strange warmth creeping up my neck. I loosened my tie a little, feeling that the way I was acting was stupid. What was wrong with me? I ignored her joke and focused.

“You have to do something that proves you're trustworthy to him again,” she kept her idiotic grin on her face as she spoke. “He doesn't want to talk to you, so it's time to act.”

I opened my mouth to clarify that there was little to do to show that we were legit and that it would work, I hadn't come up with anything relevant so far. The gifts seemed too forced and it seemed like we wanted to buy his forgiveness rather than earn it, the acts of service I didn't see much of a future for them just because Remus hated them, and so the list went on.

“We'll help you,” Alice interjected before we could say anything.

***

Match time.

Classes had finished quietly, and the temperatures had dropped slightly but as long as there was no storm as sometimes happened at this time of the month everything would be fine.

I didn't know if it was the same for James, he always became the most focused and quietest being minutes before matches, but I suffered from an inability to process several things at the same time. Frank could throw every possible strategy at me, Marlene could joke all she wanted but I was still thinking about that article that surprisingly I hadn't read or seen anywhere.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a mental wreck at the moment but I've never missed one before. I wanted to read it. I had every possible question but no meaningful answer.

“We're on in two minutes, players,” the captain announced excitedly, adjusting her ponytail back, reminding me I hadn't even put my hair up.

At the moment I just wanted to make off the scene, maybe McGonagall had had foresight and me not playing the game was for the best. I hoped Prongs was doing way better. 

I reached for my water bottle and refreshed my face and then tied my hair into a tight bun. I hoped the match wouldn't last long, if James stayed focused on the court it shouldn't go badly. I glanced over my shoulder at him, he stood in the corner whispering to himself. This didn't look good.

“Prongs, everything alright?” I rushed over, putting on the most realistic smile I could muster, running my hands over his rather tense shoulders. “Ready to go?”

He turned to look at me and relaxed slightly, his expression changing to a more awake one.

“Ready to go,” he sighed, stretching his neck to either side. “Hey, can we talk later about…”

“To the field, Gryffindors,” we heard the whistle loud and clear behind us interrupting the conversation.

But it was pretty obvious what he wanted to talk about, I too was consumed by everything that had happened in the dining hall.

“Sure thing, Prongsie,” I nuzzled the back of his neck then let out a gentle squeeze. He placed his hand on the small of my back and we led the way to the rest of the lads. 

He gave me a little smile and we did our usual pre-match handshake, somehow letting each other know that we trusted the other, on and off the pitch.

I hoped the match would go well, we didn't need any more upsets today.

Well, three hours later we lost the match. James and Regulus had had several tense moments in which they fought for the snitch, and boy did they fight, but in the end Regulus got it, as agile and elusive as ever. Among other important events: I accidentally threw a bludger at Crouch, which a few minutes later he returned without, luckily, knocking me off my broom, but I would have to see Pomfrey for my arm just in case. One of the Prewett twins was actually knocked out and was promptly carried off the pitch, which Frank took very personally. He spent the rest of the game pretty pissed off at the referee for not sending off Duncan Ashe, Slytherin beater, for taking out one of his best chasers.

I honestly left with the worst of bitter feelings but all I wanted to do was go to my room and sleep for the rest of the day and weekend. I hated losing a game, I didn't consider myself a sore loser but... a little bit maybe I did. Who enjoyed bloody losing? Plus against people I loathed, I couldn't get rid of the feeling of humiliation inside my chest.

Not to mention James, who had gone into a state of absolute silence, something he was becoming accustomed to doing, after the end of the match. He didn't want to talk and had gone straight to the locker room followed by Wormy. I was still on the pitch with Marlene and our captain, who was giving us useless encouragement because of the result. Before my brother won the snitch we were trailing by 40 points. Total failure.

A few yards away from us were the Slytherins celebrating their victory as they lifted Regulus into the air like a dummy, he was smiling very excited. Despite my frustration, I was happy for him. Just a tiny bit.

Or so I felt until all his friends came down from the stands, including Remus who I didn't know was there, he must have been sitting on the snake bench. As Rosier ran over to Crouch and hugged him tightly, making sure he was okay, as if he'd been hit too hard; Remus appeared next to them and gave my brother a tight, perhaps too much, hug who immediately returned it with the same energy even though he looked like he was about to be choked by the Gryffindor's unexpected strength.

It's alright. It's not like I envied that this person was once me, and I just wanted him to be comforting me.

I looked away, leaving the dance floor quickly, not wanting to see that scene any more, without saying goodbye to the girls, but remembering the picture on my bedside table. One of the best relationships of my life had been reduced to a memory, in a photo.

Thanks to the one and only Sirius Orion Black.

Notes:

October 31st is coming so let me wish y'all not a very depressing Halloween, marauder fans stay strong✊
Hope you enjoy this chapter <3
Lots of luv, J.

Chapter 14: Mother Knows Best

*Remus Lupin*              

Cold, cold, cold - Cage the Elephant

A few days before the full moon I already felt as if I had been run over by the Hogwarts Express, each and every element surrounding me at that moment seemed to disturb me severely. My eyes felt like they were in the uncomfortable process of getting used to the light but continuously, the smells were twice as intense, not to mention the damn hearing because I was about to commit a homicide due to the amount of piercing noises going on in the castle.

In one of my free hours I decided to go up to the Astronomy tower, luckily empty, so I wouldn't have to deal with people at the moment and thus reduce the possibility of me passing out due to overstimulation. With no joints on me or anything to help me calm my ferocious headache, I simply laid down on the dusty floor dangling my legs over the void. Up here I could only hear the stupid birds and a low murmur coming from the people around the castle courtyard.

A lot of ongoing thoughts were travelling through my cluttered mind, a lot of events that were stressing me out had already taken place this month and it had barely been two weeks, like the lunch with the Slytherins or the talk that went too well with Sirius. The first one was something I was really worried about at first, I was on edge walking into the cafeteria, people are really reactive to these kinds of situations. I didn't really do it as a statement or to prove anything, I didn't mean for people to think I disliked my House. Gryffindor had been everything to me, but I had to admit it was fun to change my robes for a few minutes, to wear another crest that, to be honest, represented values very similar to our own. 

As a House, they were quite isolated because of their reputation making us miss out on such great people. For example, Emmeline Vance, whose memory skills still amused and amazed me just remembering our conversation. I enjoyed every second of it, even my lack of well-being momentarily dissipated just by her affectionate chatter.

She told me how her mother taught her everything she knew about potions and that's where all her knowledge comes from. I still can't believe her love for creating and all those new potion ideas. She would get on so well with Pandora.

Everything was going great until by pure chance, it's not like I'd been keeping an eye on them since I sat down –of course I hadn't– I heard the fight between Lily and the boys. The fact she didn't know what happened surprised me as I thought they were all aware of the situation, still I didn’t want them to take sides, I left literally to avoid it. To be completely honest I missed the girls a lot, specifically Lily, the thought of hurting her broke my heart but I still couldn't go back.

About the talk with Sirius, which went abnormally well, I was still trying to figure out what it was supposed to mean. There had been an improvement considering we neither fought nor shouted, we conversed like two civilised people, though I should add there was an strange tension, there had been a noticeable component of awkwardness. The moment he asked me about my well-being he sounded quite authentic and that made me all too happy; the rest of the conversation was somewhere between odd and normal considering it was Sirius Black I was talking about.

Sirius always got me, whether we were fighting or having a casual conversation, he always left me with a warm, tingly feeling inside that frightened me in all honesty. 

Another thing that happened on Friday was my unmemorable date with Yvonne, poor girl. I expected what happened as we didn't have much in common. I didn't understand what it was that she found attractive or inviting about me, perhaps I never will. After the match we went to Hogsmeade and had a drink while we talked about life and so on. The problem starts with the fact I'm generally a pretty private person, I didn't like to share personal information unless it was necessary so there wasn't much else to talk about.

Even though I felt sorry for her, I haven't talked that much about the school to anyone.

Looking up at the roof of the tower, I tried to rein in my thoughts so they wouldn't keep turning over different topics only to come back to them. The swirling wind swayed my feet gently, while its hissing sound entered my ears like high whistles, at the same time I heard the few raindrops falling from the cloudy sky tapping on my shoe. On a normal day I could get used to it and make it all go by without hardly noticing everything that went on around me, every sound or movement; but when the day of the full moon approached nothing I could do made it any better. Thinking about it, I preferred my annoying thoughts, focusing on my senses would make me mental.

Every bone in my body ached, even if I ripped off my pale skin, every muscle and nerve, I still wouldn't get any relief from this shit. The only way I could find any peace was to be dead, I wasn't even joking.

Death had been a recurring theme in my train of thought since I was a kid. I loved the idea of the eternal gift of no more suffering or pain. In my mind death was something I had never rejected, I wanted to think of my disappearance from Earth as something not to worry about but something inevitable that would come sooner than normal and it was okay, I would wait for it like a lover awaits his first beloved. Anxious and scared.

The times I have thought about taking the step myself were almost countless, every day after sunrise it was the first thing that popped into my head. This habit could be considered morbid, but nothing relieved me more than the thought that there was an end to it. I had the power to make my suffering end, and with such great power came great responsibility which I took lightly just because the desire to do it was there.

So what was holding me back, right? I had everything I needed to leave this existence and yet here I stay. My answer was always the same, hope is a real disease that refuses to leave my body. Every time I've undergone a transformation my brain made me believe I would get better, I thought that if I waited long enough the one who punished me with this disease would also take it away, even though I knew that was not possible. My friends were also a big part of me being alive, every effort I made was at one time or another with them in mind.

And that left me with the option of letting time take me, knowing that it wouldn't take long.

The moment I tried to take a deep breath my ribs started to ache quite badly, so I gently turned to one side and controlled my bodily reaction as much as I could. I stayed in that position and stood up very, very slowly, holding on to the bars, which were quite far away from each other for my liking.

I wasn't usually afraid of heights, but looking down from here made even me dizzy, still I closed my eyes and leaned a little more towards the void, letting the cold temperatures embrace my heated up skin. A mixture of fear and excitement ran down my spine.

“Remus John Lupin, what the hell are you doing?” McGonagall's voice pounded in my ears like stakes. For a moment the sound of the wind had been so loud in my brain I hadn't heard anyone coming.

My heart raced as I looked straight at her, her eyes wide, I don't think I'd ever seen her so scared of anything. Mouth slightly open but nothing to say, her whole body was frozen, not a single move was made. I moved from the edge, crossing my legs, which led to an unintentional, unpleasant expression of pain, my lower back hurt like burning hell yet I knew if I stood up it would be a thousand times worse.

Neither of us said a word for a while, but I could guess what she was thinking and being aware of my thoughts not even five minutes ago I couldn't say much to comfort her.

Still silent, she came over and knelt in front of me, her hands cool and gentle on mine. Minnie stroked one of the long and almost healed scars making me want to pull away,her eyes never left mine.

“Tell me right now what were you doing, Remus?” she let out nothing more than a whisper. Her words measured to the millimetre, she spoke to me as if she wanted to avoid scaring me. “Please, talk to me.”

I let out a sigh from my body, aware of how much my ribcage would ache as I tried to catch my breathing rhythm, and avoided her gaze. What was I doing? Unsure of the answer, I responded with the first thing that popped into my head.

“Nothing, I promise, I just needed some cool air. I wasn't going to do anything crazy,” she made me look straight into her stern face as she grasped my chin with her firm fingers. As I felt not convincing at all, I changed the topic. “How did you know I was here?”

McGonagall watched me as if she could see through my quick, not trustworthy response but after a while she nodded. No matter how much she insisted she knew I wouldn't go any deeper into the subject.

“Thanks to this,” she reached into a pocket I didn't realise was in her long dress and pulled out the Marauder's Map.

I froze immediately, I didn't even grimace, too shocked to be able to articulate words. I thought the map had been in James' custody all this time, at the time the map wasn't very useful to me as I didn't have much to do. The light brown parchment showed our names on the front cover: Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs are proud to present...

Taking my eyes off the paper I swallowed hard, fearful of what my teacher would say about it.

“One of the guys must have dropped it on the last full moon,” I still didn't know how to act after the discovery that one of the projects that took us the longest to do was in the possession of a teacher, so I kept my eyes averted. “Can you imagine my face when I found this? The location of everyone at all times, it's very... impressive, honestly.”

I finally frowned and sat up properly to see it without breaking my back as I had been on my side, largely to avoid facing my teacher; now quite distant from the void whose crackling whisper was calling out to me. Impressive wasn't the word I'd think she'd use, but at least she didn't seem angry about it.

Pretty sure that our map broke more than ten school rules, I kept quiet. When, in our third year, we decided to create something that would help us get away with each of our pranks, we never thought we would get this far, honestly. The process of creating the artefact was quite intense, full of shouting matches, late trips to the library and sleepless nights we finally created the Marauder's Map. It made our plans more sophisticated, and honestly it left us with a lot of good times. I think it was one of the moments when we got to know each other a little bit better.

But for the last month or so, triggered by a certain event that took place, I didn't think much about it. 

“This is brilliant work, really, you always manage to surprise me,” she softened her face, relaxing the muscles on her forehead, and gave me a gentle caress on my face. “But I didn't come here to talk about the Map, I was looking for you because I feel like we haven't had a proper conversation in a while, not one consisting of dodgy answers, I mean. I know you want to avoid this topic, I know it hurts but you need to talk to someone and we both know you haven't told Regulus or any of the other boys, am I wrong?”

Bowing my head I sat stiffly as I avoided looking at the piece of parchment on the floor, the presence of which made my heart ache. “I'm better than I've ever been.”

My response came out as a low whisper, no energy left in my body for this.

“It's been a month since…” No . Closing my eyes I held up a hand to interrupt her. On any normal day I wouldn't even have dared to but right now knackered was an understatement for the way I felt.

Approximately a month ago one of the worst days of my life took place. As understandable as it was, I didn't want to go over it all again, reminiscing about the argument and the pain I felt seeing Sirius's tears or James's face as I yelled at him. I don't think I'd ever shouted so loudly at either of them.

I was fully aware of the effect my words would have on them, I had the knowledge my verbal attacks would harm them. Yet I had mixed feelings about how much they deserved it.

“I know what you're here to tell me so can we get to the point of the matter please,” I replied, giving her my typical skip the bullshit look. 

She nodded with her green eyes looking at me intently as if that way she could read my mind, it would be easier if she just used Legilimency on me as I didn’t really know how to defend myself against it.. Maybe then she could tell me what was wrong with me and we'd both be clear.

“Okay,” she held up one of her hands, the other still gripping mine, “Tell me how you've been feeling lately, Horace told me he saw you talking to Sirius.”

The way that man was in everybody's business was outta pocket, I’ve never seen anybody so invested in other people's lives. For a minute there I had thought he’d left while we were all in the corridor. How naive I was.

“Nothing relevant really happened, he just asked me how I was feeling and that was it,” I didn't even try to shrug as it would hurt my useless bones too much. Talking was a big effort for me and even more so if it had to do with the boys.

“How do you feel about that, Remus? Answer the question,” she demanded with a small smile.

“Let's just say I'm hurting inside and out.” pulling my hand away from hers, I rubbed my eyes with both fists. Ever since I was a kid both anxiety and panic manifested physically in my body: vomiting, sweating, insomnia, or chest pain, among others. My condition was bordering on chronic pain. “But I'm too worried about the next full moon to think how my life is getting worse, so it's fine.”

Never in all my academic experience had I ever treated a professor so badly, let alone McGonagall, she didn't deserve it either. Her intentions were surely honest, yet I didn't want her to be here. I wanted to drown in my misery for at least half an hour and then go back to acting normal when I got to class.

“Understood,” she sat down fully on the dusty floor, her dress creating an aura around her. “Still, I want you to understand that you always come first, Remus, for yourself your well being must come first…”

I held back another sigh, annoyed that the mere movement made my body ache. I wanted to lie back down on the floor and try to quiet my mind and body from the excessive pain.

“Why do you care so much about me?” I asked, unable to look her in the face but being genuinely sincere with the question. Four of us Gryffindors had intertwined a relationship with her but I feel like somehow she and I were a little closer. To this day I’d never questioned why yet it didn't make much sense to me, why care so much about a student who really wasn't any better than the rest. Regulus, Pandora or James, the three of them were talented people with the potential to go far. I wasn't. They deserved a lot of attention as their future was sure to be prosperous and successful.

As a werewolf I would be lucky if I was able to find a job after the first year out of school or find a place to live or some opportunity other than joining a pack. I avoided thinking about it as much as possible, I couldn't stand the knowledge that it would all be for nothing. I had potential, of course I did. I worked it all out on my own, but I wouldn't go anywhere too far. 

“What? What do you mean by that?” she questioned, furrowing her brow, searching for my eyes as I continued to avoid hers.

I was silent for a moment, as I didn't know how to argue my point out loud. 

“I mean, why are you here at this time, Professor? Surely you have better things to do.” Pursing my lips I raised my head to look at her confused expression. “There's nothing one of us can do to solve any of my problems, so why waste time? There's nothing you possibly could gain from this.”

After those words left my mouth I regretted the way I had expressed them. My Transfiguration teacher looked at me rather unperturbed, but I still felt that my words were those of an ungrateful git. 

“Excuse me, Mr. Lupin, you must now listen to me properly,” her voice firm and composed. “It may seem unfortunate that I've ended up caring so much about you, but you'll just have to accept it.”

I kept my eyes closed, I tried to focus back on my surroundings and relax. 

“I don't have anything that other students lack,” I argued. Being good didn’t mean I was alway the best, I really wanted to understand but I couldn't imagine any reason.

“Yes you do, Remus,” she replied with all her patience.

“Oh right, I'm a werewolf.” If that was the reason I would spend the rest of my days in the Shrieking Shack, bawling my eyes out. Maybe that's all the answer would ever come down to, being a monster was all I was.

“You better drop that attitude with me because it won't work,” she finally exploded, although her tone lowered she sounded more menacing than ever. “Because being a werewolf isn't half of who you are, not the most important or remarkable thing and…”

I almost laughed at that if it didn't hurt so much.

“I've lost friends and family over this,” I gestured to myself. "I'd say it's a big part of who I ended up being. It affected my past, my present and will determine my future. It's the one problem I can't run away from."

That was the real and only truth. The only problem I'd ever had with all the people I loved had to do with my condition, so the logical thing to do would be to blame it all on it, on me. This stupid werewolf thing ruined my whole life, the possibility of a good life, but escaping would only happen when I was gone.

“Remus, please, I wish you could understand with your know-it-all brain the reason I appreciate you so much is not related to pity but admiration for your big heart and your will to keep trying, to always continue to fight.”

Even if her words came from a good place, I could sense some admiration and maybe even pride, the numbness in my chest worsened. If this situation were some kind of real fight, I would be a big loser. I had never felt like a winner after a full moon, as I had felt like a monster. I saw myself as one. I had read huge amounts of books related to lycanthropy and over eighty percent of them stated that my species was something that, to put it mildly, should not exist on the face of the earth.

Having a big heart was a part of me that wasn't due to a great upbringing but rather to having understood that I couldn't ask for more from the people around me. As a hidden werewolf you learn to accept the minimum and basic from humanity, those who don't know what you are treat you like a weirdo and those who do increasingly distance themselves from you. My behaviour was a way to avoid being hated from the beginning.

When I was a kid I was much worse than I am today, now I don't care so much about being harsh or edgy just because I'm sick and tired of it.

“Maybe I want to stop fighting for a moment,” my voice on the verge of breaking. I wasn't even sure she heard me as my words were no more than a murmur. “I want for once to feel nothing.”

When I looked at her again I was glad she wasn't giving me that sad, pitiful look I usually got from teachers. She understood and for a small moment I could see myself reflected in her eyes. I could understand that she had felt that kind of loneliness or abandonment, it was the same feeling I'd had with Reggie.

The understanding of those who were once emotionally destroyed and had no one but themselves. 

“Okay, can we do it together then?” she asked softly.

“Yes, please.”

We moved together to sit right on the edge of the tower, both of us holding on to one of the bars while at the same time using each other as attachment points. Her arm wrapped around my body from behind, I rested my head on her shoulder. 

All I could think about at that very moment was how much I missed my mother. Having parents is an experience I enjoyed until the beginning of what is adolescence. After that, all that love and affection, mitigated by my condition, was replaced by fear. I don't know to what extent they were afraid of me, but it made me despise myself enormously as a kid. The feeling similar to having my heart squeezed straight out, not being able to have a family because of something that was not my fault tormented me on a daily basis. When I looked at James and Peter I couldn't help but envy what they had, the letters they received, the great relationship they had with their parents. 

Everything had been taken away from me and although sometimes life didn't seem so bad, when the prank happened all I wanted was for my mum to be there. To tell me that I had someone I could always count on.

Feeling alone was without a doubt one of the most destructive feelings I’ve felt, it made me hate everyone and when there was no one left I also turned my back on myself. 

The voice in my head that keeps getting louder and louder continues to tell me that somehow this is my fault and there are times when I really believe that I am to blame for a lot of what is going on in my life. The control I craved and thought I had is slipping away from me.

I have never felt so afraid in my life.

I needed to thank Minnie for staying with me in silence, staring at the Black Lake, letting time slip away as if it was enough to disconnect from the real and cruel world. She didn't say a word, maybe she needed the world to be quiet for once too. I could hear her heart beating and the wind caressing her long green dress.

Getting used to people being around you is pretty fucked up because then you're bound to lose them. But now I promise I will treasure every moment with this woman.

“Are you feeling any better?”

“Not at all but thank you for being here with me,” I sobbed my runny nose. Even in the cold temperatures my body was a human radiator from the warmth my skin transmitted. “I'm not very easy to deal with.”

Easy definitely can't be a word used to define me, my emotions were complex enough even for me.

“You'll always have a place in my heart, Remus, I hope you're aware,” she hugged me a little tighter, careful not to hurt me. “Just don't tell other boys, I don't want to get in trouble.”

I let out a short laugh that came out of my throat rather loudly, like a cough. “I love you, Minnie, too much.”

“I know,” she left a soft kiss on my head. “Now I need to know what you're really like, in full sentences, no sarcasm.”

Looking at each other I tried to think of a more serious answer to her question, not wanting to cry again I concentrated on my breathing while simultaneously putting every thought in my cluttered mind in its place. Before I was able to articulate anything she intervened again, leaving me in momentary shock.

“Dumbledore's been thinking about sending you back home, Remus, he thinks you're suffering deeply here.” I paused my inhale of cold air, not quite believing her words. “Knowing what happened with your friends and the other day in the Great Hall, he sensed you might not be comfortable in your own House and honestly you looked exhausted, those Slytherins made quite a good impact on you but is it enough?”

We were getting along so well. Good things never bloody last, I said internally.

I couldn't even begin to explain how upset after she finished talking. Going home? No way. My parents didn't want me there, I wouldn't go and make their lives hell once again. I've tried my best here, I've even made new friends, I could have locked myself in my room but I still tried my best. Now my strength and willpower were not taken into account? That's bullshit.

“You're kicking me out?” I turned away from her, gripping the bar next to me tighter, my expression full of disappointment. I didn't really care all my emotions were plastered on my face. It felt like a direct attack on me.

“He thinks it would make you feel better and... I agree.” Now that was a real attack, minutes ago she’d told me she really cared about me and now she wants me to leave Hogwarts? 

“But the classes and my exams, I— I can't leave!” I snapped. I had missed too many days already by being bloody sick, leaving means I’ll be steps behind in everything and can’t let that happen.

“You're ahead in almost all your classes compared to your classmates, Remus, it wouldn't hurt you academ...” she tried to argue but I cut her off immediately.

“No, I'm not going back,” I said as a final statement. “You can tell Dumbledore I can handle this like any other student can handle their own personal issues.”

I'd had worse times in my life, I couldn't give up barely a year and a half away from finishing Hogwarts, who knew what would happen if I left. I couldn't afford failures on my résumé, the likelihood of getting anywhere would continue to dwindle.

“I'm not saying you can't handle it, you've been doing it for years, Remus, but maybe you need some rest, like you said maybe you need to stop for a bit. Are you sure you don't want to go? It's your decision but I think you need to consider it.”

Without making any eye contact I nodded my head, afraid my voice would start to shake. I will rest when I die. I didn’t mean that at all when I said I needed to turn myself off, I'll be better within a couple hours. I’ll pretend I am.

“Can I ask you one more question?”

With an unsure assent I turned to her, still feeling a little out of place from the last thing she had said to me.

“Why are you so afraid of going home?”

The bottom of the lake looked tremendously appetizing at that moment, I wondered how long it would take me to drown. I would give myself four minutes before my weak lungs gave way. I found the idea more pleasant than this conversation.

What was clear to me was that I was going to forget the shitty proposition she'd made me. I'd have to be crazy to want to go home before June.

“I don't—,” she tilted her head to the side, inviting me to continue. “I don't want to be an inconvenience or a problem that people have to deal with and that's all I feel when I see my parents. I'm something they need to get out of the way to be happy. When I was a kid all the fights they had had to do with me so I thought giving them some space would make their lives better. Every summer I spend less than three months there and at those times when I have to be at home I can barely look my father in the eye, I don't think they hate me but... I know I'm the son nobody would want to have and there are valid reasons for that.

“Do you feel the same way about your friendships?”

Sharp daggers stabbed into my chest as his complicit words slipped into my mind. “I... Maybe?” Yes . “I don't think Sirius, Peter or James are bad kids, but what they did made me reaffirm what I suspected, you know?”

“What?”

“In the end, it always comes back to my condition,” I replied, the rain had picked up a little but didn't quite get us wet. I hadn't realised that inside the tower the temperature had risen, leaving a pleasant warmth enveloping my body. McGonagall's thing, surely. “What scares me is that they never saw me as anything more than a werewolf, such a cool creature to some teenagers, fun for a while cause it’s rare, but eventually they'll get bored or start to get scared.”

There was silence for a minute, she tried to digest everything I said while I looked at the dark lake and wondered if I’d ever spend my afternoon with the boys there. How difficult it is to forget when everything reminds you of them.

“I can promise you they love you, whether you're a werewolf or not, you've been an important part of who they are today,” she leaned in a little closer. “I guess you haven't been paying much attention to what's been going on since you left, let me show you through your own invention.”

She pulled out the Marauder's Map again, which was still open for anyone to see, I wonder if she knew how to close it. As she lifted the covers the names inside began to move, a little irritating to my eyes. The first thing I noticed was Peter and Marlene in the library, in the company of Marcus Thomas, I believe he was the Ravenclaw Quidditch chaser. They were sitting in the corners of one of the many aisles of the library, no one else around.

“Don't tell anyone, but I've been really enjoying seeing what everyone's been up to,” she pointed right towards where I was looking. “Peter spends most days with Miss McKinnon and Miss McDonald, as well as with young Thomas.”

Her tone was meant to imply something else but I didn't understand what she was trying to say. Marlene and Mary had always been close friends of Peter's, born in the same town and all art maniacs: painting, writing and music, in that order, were the usual topics of their conversations. I didn't know much about Marcus, but I guess he had a lot in common with Marlene.

“Yes, but that's normal,” I said, not understanding the point of what she wanted to show me. Maybe I was a bit too slow on the uptake today.

“Keep looking.” Looking up a bit more I saw something that really surprised me, hidden in one of the less frequented corridors, Regulus and James were hanging out together, the former probably missing some class since in fifth year the schedule was usually quite a bit heavier. That was something I didn't expect at all since as far as I know they haven't talked much during our stay at Hogwarts, maybe they had to talk about Sirius. James had never shown much appreciation for Regulus either, or at least not that I noticed.  “Do you remember the article Miss Skeeter wrote where she mentioned…”

“That Reggie was found by the Gryffindor tower many times,” I put the pieces together in my head like a jigsaw puzzle. “Was that James he was seeing?”

If Regulus didn't want to tell me who he liked now I understood a little better why, he liked his brother's best friend. I'd never heard him say a good word about James, though it dawned on me that this might be another aspect of what the boys were hiding when I was around. I'm so sure it's him, I can't even believe how much sense it makes.

The question was what James wanted from him, that he liked Lily was something that all of mankind knew, since he didn't show up to deny it. What if he had been lying?

“Probably and, by the way, I saw it has already been eliminated. Sorry I couldn't do much,” she let out a sigh, referring to the unfortunate article.

“Don't worry, Bellatrix sorted it out apparently,” the young Black had personally taken it upon himself to talk to his cousin about it and they had apparently come to an agreement without much complication. Relief flooded through my body the moment I received the news. A victory must have been good for him after all this time. “But thank you for trying, it was very important to Regulus.”

I had told Minnie about the whole situation and she had been very understanding about it. The Blacks had also kept her pretty busy with their troubled family life so she'd been happy to help.

“He's a great kid too, I hope he's doing well. I haven't spoken to him in a while,” she now pointed towards the other side of the school.

And there was Sirius, surprisingly, knowing how much he hated it, was all alone pacing around one of the courtyards. Maybe he was waiting for someone, though I don't know why I didn't feel that was what was happening.

“He goes there every day for at least half an hour and walks, all by himself,” she explained, remarking on that last part. “It's a long time since I've seen him so alone, in class he's surprisingly quiet even with Potter and Pettegrew beside him.”

That... was true enough. I hadn't even stopped to think about how unremarkable they were in class now. I no longer heard James' absurd questions in Potions or Sirius' joking answers in Transfiguration.

“I don't know what you expected or thought had happened but, my dear boy,” she stroked the messy waves of my hair and I settled close enough to her to rest my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes, “since you left it just seems like they're trying to get even further away from each other and, hey, maybe that's what they need but if you think they’re okay now, you're just plain wrong.”

“So what, I should just forgive them so that everything can go back to normal?” I asked in a soft tone, “It seems like it'll make things easier.”

“No, that's not what I meant at all,” she answered. “Forgiveness is about you and your feelings, you have to dictate whether or not they are worth coming back into your life, you may never feel like that and that's okay too. It is your right to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, sad, whatever is in your heart. You shouldn't condition yourself to forgive anyone just because it makes things more comfortable for everyone else. It's your choice, kid, and they're all good if that's what you really want.”

“I understand,” at least I thought I did . “I miss them so much, though. When I'm with Reggie, Evan, Dorcas, all of them, I feel so much better and I don't know why they can't be enough.”

Inside me there was always the feeling of emptiness, even if I minimised it from time to time, I felt like something was missing. The Slytherins had been the best thing that had happened to me in quite some time and it felt like I was about to blow it because I couldn't get any closer without burning out.

“I'm sure they miss you too.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “But, you know, sometimes people need to learn things the hard way, and about the Slytherin all I have to tell you is that you probably shouldn't be looking for substitutes for your friends. They didn't come into your life as a replacement, they're another group of people no matter how much you look for similarities. Regulus isn't Sirius, and Barty is not James.”

“I know that but…”

“Do you really know, Remus? Feel what's going through your heart, that's fine, but remember they won't tick all the boxes you expect them to. Try to get to know them better, see them as new friends, not as an exchange the universe gives you,” she said and like most of the time we talked she was right.

I was silent, processing everything she had just told me, never intending them to be a replacement. My mind went back to my talks with the guys or outings with the girls, and actually tried to see if the reason I didn't know much about them, except for everything I've guessed. 

“If you keep doing that, you'll miss out on maybe a lot of wonderful people,” she continued, stroking the back of my head, making me relax a little. “I don't like how people run away from the Slytherins, it's a waste really, they're a lot of exceptional kids, there have been bad people in Slytherin, of course, does that mean they're all bad? Breaking old patterns is hard, but it's still worth it”

“I know they’re great.” I whispered.

“Give them an opportunity, you can tell them whatever you’re more comfortable with, not everyone needs to know everything.”

“I’ve learn that, I’m probably just scared,” I said, trying to play it down.

“Let me tell you a story about my time studying here,” she proposed. “I had a difficult fifth year, I was made Gryffindor quidditch captain, prefect and I had very good grades that I struggled to keep up, adding the problems I had with my parents. My few friends drifted away and I eventually found out that they were making fun of me behind my back. Then, one day, after a training session, I bumped into the Ravenclaw chaser. She embodied cheerfulness, bravery and a keen intelligence, everyone liked her, except me, apparently. Plus, she had become prefect of her House and was exceptional academically. Since that day a very intense competitive relationship was created. I remember yelling at each other during a class, a total mess.

“During that time there was an unwritten rule about relationships between Houses, it was normal to see these kind of rivalry and absolute hatred between students but our hate for each other went so far she threw me off my broom during a quidditch match, it left me with a pretty nasty scar, actually.” She smiled at the memory. “We both got sent to detention and were grounded for two weeks yet surprisingly during that time we got to understand each other a bit better, the problem was I didn't quite trust her, I was so afraid that it was a joke or something against me that I kept pushing her away, and you know what happened?”

“What?” I asked, looking at her with interest and genuine curiosity.

"We got into a huge fight, which she started, because she wasn't able to understand why I couldn't open up to her. I almost lost my best friend and eventually my partner because I was afraid, because I thought she would be like my old friends and abandon me when things got bad, like... like my parents.” She grabbed my face with both hands, making me look her straight in the eye. “Don't let fear stop you from opening new doors or going back to old ones if that's what feels best for you. But don't be afraid.”

“Where is she now?” I knew for a fact McGonagall wasn’t married and I really hoped they stayed together. Her talking so calmly about her sapphic relationship was something I appreciated, it came so naturally and her sharing it with me meant something else.

“Oh,” she shrugged, turning to the original position she was sitting in. “I don’t know, probably travelling the world, after Hogwarts we spent a bunch of years together but we wanted our lives to be different things, so our paths split apart. We were completely different witches and yet we seemed perfect for each other but life sometimes sends you people that are meant to be temporary.”

“I don’t like that,” I responded quite childishly. 

“Yeah, me neither, but it’s better to avoid that kind of thinking and enjoy life, don’t you think?”

Chapter 15: Bad Omen.

Notes:

I'm so sorry, school got me busy and life was a mess but I'm backkkkkkkk. I hope y'all enjoy the chapter!!!!

And happy Black History Month, btw. Love u and appreciate u, my fellow black people.

*Sirius Black*

“If I made you like me, would I even like myself?” Jigsaw - Conan Gray

Every night, when the shuddering darkness bathed the Gryffindor Tower, my mind would sink into a beautiful sense of peace and calm that only appeared in the hours when the sun disappeared, this being the only time when I was alone with the world and could relax with nothing but the beauty of the pitch-black scene to distract me. The daylight made the loneliness feel as real as the shadows of the night that embraced me making me believe that life could be better, precious. I never felt as restful as I did late at night, back home it was also the only moment of the day when I could be myself, with nothing to hide from except sometimes my lingering thoughts. Even at Hogwarts the ghosts avoided the sombre solemnity of the castle, it was only there for those who could and would understand.

The last few years at Hogwarts have been more taxing on my mind than I'd like to realise. Being the outgoing, bubbly Sirius everyone expected was so exhausting and I'm finally facing the repercussions, in the last month I have realised I hate myself more than I will ever hate my parents because I have become nothing more than their reflection. I have acted in every situation as they would have wanted me to. 

With my soul in tatters I made my way to the bathroom, hiding in the fading shadows, I could smell the damp forest air coming in from outside as the rain came down harder. The temperature in the corridor colder than usual, making the floor feel like tiny crystals were covering the whole surface and that pinched my bare feet.

The first thing I see when I enter the bathroom of our House is the long window at the back of it, with the moon behind it blurred by the glass covered by the heavy rain. I look at myself in the large mirror next to it with the imperious need to understand the person standing in front of it. His black hair is badly dishevelled from the hours he has spent tossing and turning in bed while unable to sleep, further evidence of his restless nights were the marks under his eyes that could be concealed with make-up but nothing could hide the lifeless look in them. A look he thought would never come back after risking so much to run away from what he thought was the cause.

He has now lost some weight and what he thought he found beautiful in his features now felt hideous and broken. 

“What the hell has happened to you?” I wondered aloud, in a half-whisper as I stroked my left cheek and then down my neck, not touching my skin completely. Only my icy fingertips dared to touch my bony face. 

The moment the sound of something falling hit my eardrum I tore my gaze from my reflection in sudden fear. One last noise disturbed the sizzle of the night rain, this time instead of hitting the toilet it sounded like a body falling to the ground and it wasn't pleasant.

“ Merde ,” I whispered, my heart racing as the shock froze me in my place. Rubbing my eyes to get a good look at where the sound was coming from, I took a step closer. “Hello?”

A groan came from the last stall just before a final loud noise, which then turned to pure silence. I tried to make up my mind that it could be a student with a low tolerance for alcohol, which happened more often than expected, or someone unwell who was struggling to get back to their room. But nothing too serious.

Running to the cubicle, I opened the door carefully so as not to hit them and when my eyes found the person on the floor, I let out a loud scream of instant horror.

The only thing he was wearing were old trousers I had never seen him wear, in the cold air his bare chest covered by a crimson river that made its way to the floor, right where I knelt to understand the gravity of the situation. A large scar ran diagonally across his torso, as well as not so prominent wounds all over his arms and neck, as if he had been attacked with a very sharp dagger to torture him.

With a couple of careful movements I managed to position him on top of me, with his head resting on my shoulder, but during my movement he did not respond in any way, not even grimacing. Grasping his cold cheeks with my trembling hands, I began to call his name to see if he was even slightly conscious.

“Remus, hey, please,” I noticed how his eyelashes fluttered so softly that could've passed unnoticed, “stay awake, oui? Someone is on their way to help you, you'll be fine. It's going to be alright.”

I didn't know what was the best thing to do at that moment. I didn't have the strength to move him and I didn't want to hurt him, I couldn't leave him unattended while he was about to fucking die. The floor became more and more covered in blood as the seconds went by.

“James!” I screamed so loud my throat began to hurt, feeling my vocal cords tingle after forcing them too hard. “Peter, please, whoever. Help!”

No one could hear me, yelling was useless, not even the room closest to the bathroom would be able to hear my screams. If I left for a few seconds I could manage to get someone who could go and bring Minnie or the nurse maybe… No, I couldn’t, it’d take a lot of strength to pull me away from my friend right now. I couldn’t leave him, fuck! Think, Sirius, for Merlin’s beard. Looking around I stretched my body to grab a piece of tissue —only thing I could find in here— starting to clean around the wound, to look at how bad it was. My eyes widened in horror as it looked as if someone had tried to cut Remus in half, forcing myself to observe intently the grotesque looking stab-like wound.

“Accio parchment and quill,” with my hands full of blood I wished was mine, I wrote the shortest but clearest note I could. My eyes wouldn't stop watering. “Minerva McGonagall.”

After the whisper the letter disappeared from my hands as my breathing turned into a loud hiccup, without realising it my crying had increased strikingly fast as controlling myself no longer seemed an option.

“Hey, Rem, say something, please? Anything,” I continued to speak to him yet I wasn’t pretty sure he could even hear me and my continuous begging. “Please, Moony, just fight a little more, please, I— I love you so much, I need you to be fine.” 

The words out of sheer exasperation were not far from the truth as my true feelings for him were stronger than many things I had experienced in my life. He was my friend and losing him would be like losing a limb, losing a piece of my heart if not everything. I fucked up my relationship with him and now he was dying in my arms. His breathing was getting slower and slower, sometimes stopping altogether.

Okay, maybe I can… I could tear a piece of his trousers as the fur in my pyjamas wouldn’t be the best option, and try to wrap it around… The wound it’s to big though and the cold is getting worse… I… I…

“Remus, I know you'll be okay soon and we'll work this out,” I whispered in his ear, the tissues still pressing against the wound. I was being very careful as I didn’t want the paper to get into it. “I'll be better this time, I'll get better for you. Please, please, please, please wait a little longer.”

I had never said anything with so much truth clocked in my chest.

Where the fuck was Minerva? Fuck, I needed her now, I'll send a fucking quidditch broom to wake her up if I have to.

“Professor! Peter!” I shouted again at the top of my lungs as I continued to lose my voice. “James, please!”

My hand wrapped around Moony's, there was no light in the bathroom, only the light coming from the windows. The moonlight gave me some visibility of how my friend was looking and I didn't know if it was my own mind but I could just see him losing colour as he was covered in all that crimson lake.

Who would’ve thought the moon as an inert satellite could hurt someone so much, probably envious of the beauty of the boy in my arms because I couldn’t find any other reason someone would want to hurt his mind and soul this bad.

“Sirius, we need to get him to the infirmary now,” Remus was suddenly snatched from my arms, so fast I didn't even realise when they arrived and if Minerva was the one who did it I couldn't tell as I only saw someone's blurry face.

“Moony, please, you can't leave me!” I cried, my back hitting the toilet wall. I sat on the blood soaked floor as the figure of my friend came to my side. “Please help him, he can't leave yet.”

His body wasn’t on me but the ghost of him remained, no colder than his almost dead body. 

“Remus, please!” I shouted over James' shoulder as they dragged the boy out of the room. I knew it was him the moment his warm arms surrounded me and the smell of his hair shampoo hit my nose. “Moony.”

His name coming out as a soft whisper from my tear wet lips, with intense fear in my heart that almost makes my body clench in other kinds of pain. I was pretty used to being in panic/fear shocks, scared to the point my chest ached and my palms sweated and I couldn't breathe properly, it'd destroyed a new part of me every day. I thought leaving would save me from that kind of emotion but here we are once again. 

“Sirius, hey Sirius!” Wormy's voice was there too, I felt his touch on my shoulder. “Sirius, wake up, it's okay.”

Wake up?

I suddenly felt like the air was pushed out of my lungs and I couldn't get any more in as I gasped with all my might to breathe but I couldn't… 

I couldn't 

I couldn… 

Below my sweaty body my bed felt wet and cold, I tried to sit properly pulling away from the voice speaking to me. The room surrounding me strange to my now wide open eyes. The light coming from the nightstand hit me as Pete and James continued to get closer, restrained pity hiding behind their preoccupied looks.

“Where's Remus, is he okay? Where…” the words came out of my mouth uncontrollably, almost an unintelligible mumble.

Immediately I turned my head to my friend’s bed, the uncomfortable feeling sitting on my stomach growing bigger as I found it to be empty.   

“Siri, it's full moon,” Pete replied gravely, pointing his head towards the window. The curtains were wide open and I could see the big, round moon up in the night sky. Making fun of me, making me aware I couldn’t do anything but look at it while my friend suffered. I awkwardly got out of bed, strands of my dark hair sticking to my forehead. 

“Hey, Pads, maybe you should stay in bed,” James followed me with his big eyes, not sure if getting closer would be a great idea. One thing about James is that he’d made himself easy to read, a trait he purposely pulled up as a way to show how much he trusted the ones around him. He showed everything, or most of it at least. “Moony will be fine, as always, we'll talk to Minnie in the morning.”

The moment he stepped closer to touch me I cringed and pulled away, not completely on purpose but I didn’t make up for that move. A silent and cautious pain crossed his expression and quickly let it go, taking a step back. “It's three in the morning, Sirius, we can do anything but wait.”

Staring at him with astonishment printed in my face, my mind couldn’t avoid bringing back those horrible images of Remus almost dead in my arms. As if I could still feel the blood on my hand, I instinctively cleaned them on my pyjamas, trying to rub off the sensation.

Little he knew me if he thought I was going to stay here and wait as the clock with every millisecond took away a piece of my mental stability and peace, already damaged enough.

“James, I need the cloak,” I said, sounding like a direct order, harsher than I pretended.

I slipped on my shoes, no socks on, and grabbed my jacket and wand.

“Please listen to me, Pads,” Stopping in my motion, I walked over towards my best friend and looked him straight in the eye, sure my face still affected by the shock of my dream, but he for sure could tell I wasn't playing or arguing.

“I saw him dying in my arms, James, bleeding to death while I watched and couldn't do anything but wait.” I blurted out, my voice raspy and gravelly. “I'm going with or without the bloody cloak, personally I don't care.”

My two roommates looked at each other, I didn't think they could understand the fear in my bones and weight on my heart but I wasn't going to stop just to explain myself. I'll stay all night awake at the entrance of the forest and then I'll be fine, but I needed to get out, not like now when I could go to bed normally as nothing had happened. 

“We could go with y…?” Peter offered even as tired as he looked and James just looked determined to do it if I said ‘yes’. The truth was I didn’t want them to come with me, I wanted to handle it by myself, something I haven’t done in years. I’ve always had recurrent nightmares but I hated so deeply the moment they decided to incorporate my friends as if it wasn’t hard enough already.

“No, I have to go by myself,” I replied as fast as I could, not looking at them directly. I waited a few seconds but they didn’t respond. “So what's going to be?”

James looked at me with a frown on his face, his hair dishevelled and his glasses turned slightly to the right. Worry and helplessness drowned their eyes in the darkness of the room, both aware of the complexity of changing my mind about something I had already put myself into. 

“You're coming to class at least, right?” He walked over to his cabinet and pulled the cloak out of it. I took a step to grab it but James pulled back, raising one of his eyebrows. “See you later, first class of the day, right?”

I cocked my head slightly, eyes begging for him to understand that making that promise was completely useless as the probability of me fulfilling it was close to none.

“Yeah, fine,” I grunted, my watering eyes glued to his, stretching out my hand, waiting for him to give it to me. “I promise.”

None of them looked convinced at all, but they still nodded as if trusting me would take a lot of work. It’d probably do.

“Okay, go,” my friends conceded and I let out a small sigh of relief only I could hear, my hands unabashedly grasping the magical artefact. 

Draping it over my shoulders I made my way to the door past their hunched and tired bodies. “Thank you.”

As I put my sweaty hands around the knob, Peter moved closer to me, avoiding touching me but still I could feel the heat of his body. His worry obviously behind his careful expression, right under his blue eyes in which my lies drowned. James had the talent to read me but if I really put effort into it he would never know I’ve lied to him, Peter on the other hand, he somehow could read me as well if not better, he just decided to keep quiet about it.

“Be careful, Pads, okay?” he told me, pressing his full lips into a thin line, and I nodded immediately.

“I always am,” placing my free hand on his shoulder as I turned the knob, trying to get him to relax a bit. Going out this late was nothing we haven't done before. There was safety in numbers, that's why we always went together: one made sure no one came, the other two kept Moony at bay and protected each other from anything that might happen. Still I didn't believe it'd be too hard doing it by myself. “Don't worry about me.”

“As if it was that easy,” the low answer got immediately into my head even if he didn’t want me to hear it. Another fact about him was that even if he could catch most of my lies he wasn’t very observant or cautious about the little things he did.

Either way I ignored his words and moved forward. James continued to stand still right next to our beds, contemplative about the situation itself, he wasn't going to fight me or even try to say a word against it, the battle was already lost.

As I closed the door behind me I stammered before I took a step, debating whether I should put my ear to the door to listen for anything they’d say.

“He was screaming, Pete, screaming desperately in his sleep and I couldn't do anything,” I heard James' voice distorted but I could hear as he broke down in despair. “I can't help him, I don't know how to do it anyways and it's killing me.”

“James, we've all been— these past few weeks, we've all been through a lot, give yourself a break, okay? You can’t do more than you’ve already done,” Pete answered and I didn't hear James answer so I guess he just nodded. “Okay, let's go back to sleep, he'll be back soon.”

The way he said it, I knew it meant more than the literal meaning of the phrase. I'd realised a while ago my heart had crossed the line of no return, as much as I wanted to go back... I couldn't. Some days I missed the old Sirius, the one whose pain was so deep inside he couldn't even see it himself, confident about himself and the lengths his stupidity could take him to, and bold to the point of being reckless and other traits I felt didn't fit me at all. Or at least that I didn't want them to depict me from now on, everything that I’d been now repulsed beyond belief.

Now I'm pretty lost, I don't understand what's happening to me but I plan to let it happen and I'm scared to death because going back to rock bottom terrified me. I'd rather keep building myself up till the day I die, even if I don't find all the pieces in this life.

We had all reached that point, I think.

Covering my whole body with the cloak I left the tower as fast as I could, the school somehow looking better than when the sunlight hit directly on the walls and paintings. 

Suddenly, the dream I had woken up from a few minutes ago and its gory images came to my mind again. Without realising it at first, my palms start to itch.

Not daring to close my eyes for more than a second because I didn't need this scene in my head to become more vivid, I started walking faster. With nobody wandering the corridors at the moment, I reached one of the doors leading outside. Luckily it wasn't raining so it'd be easier to get into the woods without having to worry about not seeing where any path led.

Just as I start walking towards the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest I hear a strange sound coming from the darkness in front of me.

Filch's cat. Was he here too?

Argus Filch was Hogwarts caretaker, also a huge piece of shit of a person and one of the biggest haters of all matters marauder related. Although at this point in my life I could almost affirm there were more of these people than expected. Wormie's brother, Gregory, had been born a squib too but unlike the caretaker that didn't make him an annoying bastard.

All the times we've visited the Pettigrew house, the older brother had shown how not being born with the ability to practise magic hadn't stopped him from being a successful person in the Muggle world. He adored his brother and treated us as part of his family. Filch could try and learn from him.

Miss Norris neared my position as if she had detected my presence here, so I quickened my pace. In the distance I could already hear the caretaker's voice calling for his stupid cat. Personally, I found felines more than unpleasant, deep inside I could feel the nervousness growing. Just as the cat could sense my proximity, I could sense hers.

The cat stopped, her head tilted in my direction as if with her yellowish eyes she could see me under the invisibility cloak, but heeding her owner's call. I walked on to the nearest tree and hid behind it. For a few seconds she insisted on coming closer, but Filch reached out his bony hand and took the animal in his arms.

“Let's go back inside, miss Norris,” he whispered, scanning the forest with his horrible eyes as he stroked his pet's fur with surprising care. A few seconds later, turning away in the direction of the castle.

***

Three tedious hours after sitting against the same tree, the sun finally came up. As I could not close my eyes, even for a few minutes, without having a death wish or starting to cry. I merely hid under the heavy, warm cloak and surveyed my surroundings, which were not much, for the bushes clouded all my sight.

When a few rays of light hit the side of my eye, I pulled the cloak off my head, my nerves growing by the minute as the forest also awoke from a long night. Going to the Shrieking Shack was tempting, and if I didn't see Moony come out of the forest in the next hour I would go, but for now as I was sure the last person he wanted there was me. I stayed by my tree and continued to wait. 

McGonagall or Pomfrey were the ones I expected to arrive at the old house, both were the people Remus trusted the most to go after him. A dreadful fear rose in my chest and caught in my throat, my breathing quickened with the fluttering of my heart. I had never been so sure that something bad was about to happen, maybe it was just the shock, but it didn't make it any better.

I wrapped my cloak around me, leaving my head out, as I waited impatiently, the castle was already waking up and I was getting more and more anxious. 

Just as I was about to stand up and make my way to the abandoned house where my friend was hiding from the light, probably bleeding out on the cold, dirty floor helplessly and struggling to get out on his own feet if he hadn't already passed out from the excruciating pain...

At that very moment I hear the crack of a branch being stepped on. Covering all my body as fast as I could with my clumsy hands, I moved from my original position to look for the source of the sound in the hope my teacher finally arrived. Before I could find where the creaking came from I heard his voice a couple of metres away, making my body freeze in that instant. 

Even though the blanket provided some warmth to keep me from getting hypothermia, my body was sweating as if it were a much bigger source of heat.

“Come on, before someone gets here,” Severus Snape's voice echoed in my head as if I'd been hit with a bat, but instead of pain I experienced a kind of uncomfortable, unbearable vibration. Seething in my skull.

Frowning, I looked up at them, my blood boiling as Mulciber and Avery stood beside him looking into the forest from a safe distance. I swear on Godric Gryffindor’s sword if Snape tells anything to those bastards I'll rip his head off with my bare hands and then feed it to a hippogriff.

“He's weirder than you think,” he sneered. He seemed very aware of his surroundings, probably related to the fact Minnie had threatened to kick him out of school if Remus' situation came out.

I controlled my impulse to hex him on the spot, not caring if none of them saw me, which wasn’t much of a thoughtful idea. Maybe some kind of distraction to draw them away would work, just so Rem would have time to get back to the castle unseen. I didn’t know how much time had gone by but it felt like too much, shouldn’t he be here by now? Was I just being a bit too paranoid?

Maybe I could make a small explosion, a noise to scare them away, some morning fireworks could also work. What would Moony do? Probable none of this.

“Guys, what are you doing here?” Ducking my head slightly, I watched as McGonagall's arrival spoiled Severus' stupid plan. Trying to rat out Moony in front of his stupid friends. If he thought that way Minnie wouldn't have known it was him, he couldn't be any dumber. Besides, there was always someone watching Remus. Always.

I could barely look him in the face as my nerves and fear mingled with anger. My parents had raised me in such a way that the Unforgivable Curses didn't scare me as much as they should have, or at least they didn't scare others. I have seen them kill house elves for minor annoyances or mind control unwanted guests at their need and will. They have used them on me.

I didn't flinch every time someone used one in front of me and the idea of using them sometimes sounded too good. There was a major issue with me, I knew it. I understood they were bad, in my head I was pretty clear on that, however sometimes a voice in my mind that had got louder and louder made me think just like they would, especially when people like Snape got in my way. Knowing it didn't help me much with the 'not wanting to be like my parents' situation, I sat back down with my legs tucked up to my chest, watching for any hint of Remus' cerania.

What if he had chosen another path? This was the 'exit' we used the most but there were others. I should've thought about that before. He might still be in the Shrieking Shack alone with no one to help him even.

I took a slow breath, assuring myself that McGonagall would take care of everything. When I turned around again, the three boys were gone, Minnie alone was looking around, her hands running over her stressed expression before she walked off into the forest a couple of metres away from me.

Before she could really get into the mass of trees and fallen leaves, a noise came only a few feet away from us like a soft whimper and a tumble. I immediately scrambled to my feet, my joints groaning from the sudden movement, and walked towards them with as much care as I could.

Minnie ran off in the same direction, my hearing sharp as ever, I tried to follow her and not hurry and get caught. We had no doubt that McGonagall knew about our nightly escapades to help our friend, and she shouldn't be allowing it as it would get her into trouble if other teachers or students found out. So it was best if I stayed out of it for now, even though I didn't feel like it at all.

I stumbled several times on my way to them, unable to keep a coherent thought in my head.

“Remu... Oh my dear kid!” she gasped as she approached the boy, when I reached her position I watched as a painfully doubled over Remus was embraced by our teacher who couldn't hold back sounds of stupor. “Come on, Miss Pomfrey is waiting for us.”

Unable to vocalise a proper phrase or word, he leaned over Minnie, dropping his tall but slender body onto the teacher's smaller body. His pale skin looked sickly and as he was dragged by McGonagall, his feet barely off the ground, I followed them to the infirmary, my breath coming in gasps. Every time the boy stumbled a little, I sped up a little more as if I could hold him so he wouldn't fall to the ground.

I could barely glimpse his wounds but just by looking at his physical state it was obvious that something wasn't right, or rather, it wasn't going the way it used to. He was covered in dirt and blood as always, his back remained intact but what concerned me was his torso.

Another stumble and I would personally go and help my teacher, I guess the half unconscious Remus wouldn't mind and neither would she. Since when did Sirius Black care about repercussions? I didn't fear them with Snape's or when I abandoned Regulus, as this was the best time.

“Wait a bit longer, come on.” Suddenly a swift shadow crossed the cross hallway. “Poppy, here!”

The person returned immediately and Madam Pomfrey appeared with a worried frown. She wasn't even wearing her heels or her usual uniform, seeing her in such casual attire shocked me for a moment, her lavender jumper and dark jeans showed the wear and tear of years.

“I was looking for you, the students are about to fill up the halls, we must hurry,” she pressed her hand on Minnie's arm for a second before helping her grab Moony from the waist, trying to keep his posture semi-straight. “He's sweating and shaking, this isn't good, come on.”

Following them, unable to hear their low murmurs, we finally arrived at the nursery. All the beds were empty and the dim light coming through the windows barely reflected inside as the clouds had quickly began to appear, the place looked sad and dead.

The moment Moony was placed on the bed, they turned on the lamp near the table. Minnie let the nurse do her job in silence as worry and panic surfaced in her expression, as if she'd been struck by it and could not change her face. Very carefully, as this was the kind of moment when I would screw up and drop something close to me and break my cover, I walked over to the bed opposite Moony's and stood there watching the scene with nothing but fear making my body shake. 

I could now clearly see how my friend's chest was covered by three large wounds running diagonally across it plus some other smaller ones. The one on his neck, that went from one side to the other, turned my stomach completely. I took another step back without paying much attention to my surroundings, thinking of the similarities to my dream.

I should have gone straight for him, I knew something was wrong from the time it had taken him to come out. But regret was like a late call, fucking useless.

He had just crawled through the woods with some of the worst injuries I had ever seen him with, no one to help him. Minnie's dress and Madam Pomfrey's hands were covered in blood, he had been bleeding all the way through and that wasn't good.

A silent tear fell down my cheek and I swiftly brushed it away, it didn’t matter much as more came from where that one came from. Without thinking, trying in some way to pull away from the situation as the fear locked in my chest was increasing the ache I felt in my heart, I stepped back once again and crashed into the metallic bars of the bed behind me. 

My teacher turned in my direction, her gaze fixed on me, but quickly returned to her injured student. The nurse's face revealed nothing as she was too focused to visibly react to what her eyes were witnessing. I had already seen her extreme concern and fear at the sight of Remus in the corridor, now he needed her and she would not fail.

In complete horror but incredibly attentive I watched as Pomfrey injected him some clear liquid, later to properly clean the wounds and stitch them up; considering Remus' numb state I hoped he wasn’t suffering that much. Just like in my dream his injuries were worse than usual and a thought that even surprised me popped up in my mind. Maybe even if he was unaware of his actions while transformed, I wondered if a part of Moony had sought to inflict more pain on himself than usual, if he had fought harder than other times to get rid of the part he hated so much.

I wanted to see once more his amber-brown eyes shining with excitement about the nerdiest book ever and smile about Wormie’s sillier joke, to hear his laughter and sarcastic comments, to feel his hugs... I wanted my friend back. The tension building up in me like I was about to vomit. 

“Minerva, you should know that this... this is going to take some time,” the nurse revealed in a low, soft tone, trying to bring the teacher out of her state of shock. Carefully bandaging Moony's wounds, she kept her eyes on him as she continued to speak. 

“What do you mean by that?” she blinked several times as if she'd been woken from daydreaming.

I moved a little closer to hear what they were saying, close enough to notice the slight tremor in McGonagall's hands.

“I mean he's not going to heal as quickly as usual, his injuries are too severe,” the news hit me like a bucket of ice water. The nurse raised her head, setting her things down on a metal tray on the small table, and looked the professor in the eye. “I don't think he's going to wake up for a few days or at least he won't be able to get out of the infirmary, he's on medication but the pain is going to be intense and I don't know how long it's going to take to heal, Minerva.”

Frozen in place, I didn't know what to do but cry my fucking eyes out. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Werewolf wounds usually didn’t take up too much time to heal, they left ugly marks and lots of pain yet this time the situation’s been different somehow and there was no way to fix it. 

“What, days? But he's barely breathing, you can't…” McGonagall's perturbation represented my current state. She stood up still holding her student's hand as the nurse lifted her head to look at her again, looking just as tired and drained of energy. It was not yet eight o'clock in the morning. “What actually happened, Poppy?”

“I believe it was a mix of plenty of things, this looks like a total and intentional attack on him and taking into account a werewolf wound is not an injury of normal healing and bearable pain, this will be a difficult journey for his body. Too much morphine could induce a coma, I must act carefully. He's just a kid.” Her numb, empty voice echoed in the large room, breaking before finishing the sentence. “This is very bad, Min, I won’t lie to you; I cannot speed up the process, but I'll take care of him the best I can.”

It was no doubt that hid Minnie's gaze, but deep dread for a situation over which she would never have control. I didn't doubt Pomfrey either, she knew what she could and couldn't do and I was no one to comment on her methods, yet the fact that she couldn't do more worried and angered me. Could I just hope he responded well to treatment? What if he didn't?

“But he will recover, won't he? That— that's the important thing.” She seemed to be trying more to convince herself than her mate.

“Um, well, I wouldn't give a confident prognosis on his progress, a week seems a reasonable period to me but there's a chance, very small but you should know about it, there's a possibility he won't—erm, he won't wake up.”

I turned away from them as if I could put distance between me and their words, between an impending reality and my need for this to be a dream. Madam Pomfrey continued to explain how the body of such a young werewolf functioned and how unstable Remus' condition was. A bad move with the medicine, a wound that wouldn't heal properly in such horrible locations... Enough! I'd rather face the worst of my fears than let Remus disappear from my life, though maybe that was the worst. Why him? What had he done to deserve this shit? Why should he be the one losing all future experiences when he was as selfless and caring and brilliant as no one else in the fucking planet? If he couldn't make it, he'd end the lives of many others. He would end me too and I’ll indeed let go, there was no other truth at this point.

“I'm not going to write to Hope to tell her she's lost her son, not on my watch,” she dropped Remus' hand and it fell to the bed without any further reaction, inert, but she already had her mind fixed on something else beyond that. “I have to—I have to talk to Dumbledore, I'll get whoever I have to get, whatever medicine it takes…”

I hadn't had the pleasure of meeting Remus's mother personally, but it was still impossible for her life to be unaffected by her son's situation. Minerva's words made that clear. Even though her relationship with her son wasn't perfect, I was still sure that the news would devastate her. I was just his friend, but I found it hard to think of living my life without him, even if it was just seeing him from a distance.

“I know, go,” Pomfrey nodded. “I'll give you an update as soon as I can.”

Chapter 16: I'd Love For You To Stay.

Notes:

not the best chapter for Remus but happy birthday to him anyways:) He'll always be one of my favourite characters.

*Sirius Black*

Every minute that passed was a minute closer to the time when I would lose my mind. Madam Pomfrey could not keep a constant eye on Remus as she had to attend to all the people who came in with a new “emergency” every now and then. 

I have to admit I’d never stopped to think about all the people who went to the infirmary in a day to complain about anything or ask for sheer nonsense. Impressive the amount of work the nurse had on her hands on the daily. 

The problem was as soon as Remus' bandages failed to control the severity of the wounds by getting soaked with blood, that also happened as often, she had to be on him for a long while before she could leave him again.

My first reaction after hearing the news about Remus' condition should’ve been running into my friends arms to tell them their best mate, the one they haven't spoken to for a month because of a problem I've caused, was now in a coma-like state. I should've gone to my classes and waited for Minnie or whoever to tell us what happened. 

Instead I sat on the nursery's floor, near enough to Remus and in a location where I wouldn't be on Madam Pomfrey’s way. Everything around me was cold except for my body temperature which was on the rise apparently, the disturbing headache throbbing it's way through my skull competed with my churned stomach to see what physical pain would throw me off first. 

With her being one of the best professionals I had ever seen and witnessing her determination to attend Remus with the same patience and concentration as in minute one, I knew I shouldn't doubt her. But nothing could calm me right now, even if I had the certainty he’d be fine, my body would insist on that being false. 

I also knew I had to get out of this place before McGonagall or the nurse herself found me here. I wasn't helping anyone by being in this place, but once again I was immobilised by the sheer shock of the situation.

The clouds outside turned greyer and greyer as the time went by, rain about to make an appearance in any minute. My senses tingled indicating today's dump would be quite an exhibition, training would be surely suspended. A place I hadn't got to worry about not being present. 

When noise began to enter the room thanks to the students that probably were coming out of their classes, Madam Pomfrey placed a curtain around the boy's bed and left for a couple minutes, leaving the door closed. 

Was it lunch time already? My time perception had vanished for the day. My focus came and left when it wanted to, my foggy mind trying to avoid the horrors of real life. 

As the nurse had left I stood up to have a proper look at Remus. The smell of the wound cleaning substance, my nose wrinkled as it was pretty intense and sour-odour like. The boy laid over the bunk looked like Moony but only if a truck had run over him a couple of times. 

His face full of purple-ish bruises that'd probably look eventually even worse, had swollen up; this didn't seem a full moon consequence but more of a proper beat up. What the hell had happened? At least there were no scars on it, the first one he'd got, over his left eye, had made him feel so ashamed he wouldn't go outside of our room for days. 

Looking down into his body was what scared me. Pomfrey had taken his trousers out to heal the cuts on his legs and thank god it didn’t look that bad either, the only thing I hoped for was for him not to be freezing. The chest though… completely covered with bandages. The whole of it. Surely one or various of his ribs had also been affected. 

I knew the disgusting looking beverage on the table was for fixing bone breakage and I honestly didn't want to know how she gave him that while being unconscious. With frightened nerves I put my hand on his neck, his pulse slow and skimpy, the cold of his skin so far away from his normal temperature. 

Grabbing one of his hands, I slightly grazed my wet lips on his knuckles afraid to do anything that'd make this worse. This made my chest ache as if I was the one in the bed. 

“I’ll stay here until you wake up, Remus,” I whispered under my tired breath. “Everything is going to be alright.” 

When I heard the nurse’s heels running back into the room Minnie's urgent voice came along with her in the form of angry whispers. Once again I covered myself with the cloak, the material brushed my skin in the most overwhelming way it could, but I stayed in my position afraid to call their attention in some way. 

These were the moments I needed to run away into the most open space in existence, just my broom and I. Remus had shared with me some tricks to deal with the anxiety but most of them didn't work with me, my body being as hyperactive as it was couldn't handle those kind of solutions. 

My nails pressed the sides of my head, they weren't as long as usual because for practice it was mandatory to have them trimmed and the colour black on them had almost vanished completely, still I felt some relief from the physical pain. My legs pulled to my chest as I moved closer to the bed than I could so they wouldn't step on me by mistake. 

Their chat went on and off different topics mostly related to the kid embedded next to them. Dumbledore was to take a look down here any time in the evening, never heard a bad word from her to the headmaster but at the moment surely those words were provoked by the stress of the situation. 

“Sometimes it feels like the old man only cares about himself,” she complained, exasperated. “I don't have his contacts but I also don't practise his patience. I'll find someone from outside to take a look at him, how's he doing?” 

“I'm sure Dumbledore will do whatever must be done to secure his students,” the nurse nodded as she grazed her hand over Remus' covers. “For now, we can't do anything but wait, I'll let the medication wear off a bit to see what happens.” 

McGonagall situated herself in front of Pomfrey, on the side I was on. Carefully she sat on the bed at Remus feet, her eyes didn't look away from the boy once, still one wrong move from me and she'll discover my “hiding” spot. 

“I couldn't find them, you know?” she let out a soft sigh hidden in laughter. “James, Peter and Sirius are not in class or in their room, not in the fields or the Astronomy Tower. Disappeared from thin air.”

“Do you think they know?” the nurse wondered.

“I expect everything from them,” the professor placed her elbows on her lap just to drop her head on her hands. “I just stopped searching because they'll eventually end up here. I've talked with Lily Evans and she'll update me on that front.”

James and Peter had for sure skipped classes to look for me and though I didn't want to get them in any trouble, my body rejected the idea of leaving the infirmary. I couldn't worry for them at the moment. 

“Maybe you should check with Regulus Black,” said Madame Pomfrey after a couple minutes of silence. 

I tensed my back when I heard my brother's name, I didn't see the need to ask him anything, as always he’d avoid answering directly or with more than a monosyllable. Please, Merlin, don't let them bring my brother here.

“I prefer to get involved in this the least amount of people I can,” she answered. “Remus would prefer to keep this as small as possible as well.” 

He totally would.

Silence again, this time for longer than five minutes of tense quietness, as if they wanted to say something to each other but held back for some reason.

“I’ve been thinking about something, a safe option to ensure his well being,” Pomfrey talked with doubt in her voice. “Maybe– maybe we should send him to St. Mungos, Min. I need to attend to a lot of people on a daily basis. I won't be able to keep up with him as much as he'll probably need.”

I kept my body still waiting for the funny part of an awful joke, I waited and waited and waited, just like my professor did. Even if she didn't know the existence of my presence for a moment it seemed our shocked faces turned into one and our eyes met. 

I knew McGonagall would hate the idea almost as much as I did, maybe even more, because in a way it felt like a defeat. Was Pomfrey giving up as well? And how far had Remus' status gone in the last few hours to need to be taken to a hospital? If Madam Pomfrey was hiding something, Minnie would surely notice. 

The idea of keeping Remus away from the eyes of the other students would certainly not sound bad to either of them in the end, and Dumbledore would agree as well. Hell, I would also agree but the fear of him leaving and not coming back was stronger. “That's pretty far away and we'd have to talk to his parents, Poppy.”

St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries set in the nation's capital dealt with any wizard or witch who had suffered a magical accident: spells gone wrong, potions gone awry, attacks by other magical creatures... The best place for him that's for sure, it wouldn't be the first time he'd been there.

The first year of school he was away for a month, we were told it was for family reasons and Remus told us a similar story at the time until a few years later he confirmed that he had been to St Mungos and that he had hated every moment locked up, sedated, even had to be tied up at times. He wasn't a big fan of hospitals, shall we say.

“Not necessarily, I have some contacts there, he'll just face a better examination to check everything’s going fine. If it doesn't go as planned we'll talk to his parents,” Pomfrey said in a low but urgent tone. “I just want to make sure he'll wake up and I can't do that here.”

“Let me talk to Dumbledore, I—”

“We don't have time, Min, every second is crucial,” her tone was sharper and her sentence broke mid-sentence. Seeing a student she’d had to attend for the past six years fade away in her hands only brought her down every time she looked at Remus. “For the first time in my career I feel incapable of helping someone, I feel useless. I'm trying but I don't know for how long I’ll be able to control the situation.”

Silence, silence and more silence. She’d be playing with fire by taking charge of decisions that weren’t hers to make.

“Write to them immediately, I'll get Albus,” I craned my neck as far as I could only to watch as Minnie cupped Madam Pomfrey's cheek. They pressed their foreheads together. 

Almost letting out a gasp of surprise, I cradled myself in a corner and waited for them to leave. Maybe it was the gravity of the situation, but it wasn't in my bingo of the year to discover that my Transfiguration teacher was having a homoromantic affair with the nurse. For once I didn’t believe I was jumping into wrong conclusions. 

A stabbing pain hit my chest as I watched my body move to the other side of the room. I found it almost impossible to keep looking at the scene, hiding my head on my knees. There was no disgust, but a distinct sense of longing, envy and shame.

This is not the time, Sirius. 

“We'll stay together no matter what, Poppy,” she whispered. “I promise.”

***

*Lily Evans*

The night patrols assigned to the prefects were based on walking around the school in case any students were out of their dormitory after curfew. Even before I became a prefect myself I knew these patrols were of little use, as from the third year onwards every student had their own little tunnels and passages through which to sneak around and not get caught, or at least not if they were the least bit careful.

On occasion we had to accompany a first year student who thought it was a good idea to try to sneak into another House by going straight through the front door. In short, you had to be at least minimally cautious and look for other ways, although Remus and I had always enjoyed threatening to take points away from kids from other Houses so we would look for them on purpose, even though no prefect could actually do that.

Today it was my turn to deal with an introverted Ravenclaw who had just been made prefect and wasn't quite sure how to act so he just mimicked everything I did. He had been unlucky that today hadn't been my best day and I was in a lousy mood. At any other time I would have bothered to give him encouragement and advice, right now I felt that if he breathed a little closer to where I was now I would start to yell at him.

I'd already had a run-in with Marlene this morning which I'd at least managed to sort out and after that I received the disastrous news from McGonagall which I couldn't tell anyone and that had caused me to respond horribly to Mary who had only asked me if I wanted to study with her in the library.

I hated myself for it but this situation was beyond me, the problem exceeded anything I could do and only made me terribly anxious. 

Outside the castle, the drops had begun to sparkle, hitting the glass window every now and then, the wind was already blowing harder, and with every second that passed, the chattering of the boy's teeth increased. The lower floor of Hogwarts always exuded coldness, most of the ground floor areas led out to the outside courtyards and so the freezing air blew in unchecked, I was used to it by now and had just found a certain pleasure in the cold hitting my flushed face, in feeling the icy gusts blowing down into my lungs and causing their own whirlwind inside me. 

“Houston, go to your room now, it's late,” I turned to the boy who looked back at me in fright. His black hair of tousled curls gave a messy look to his already dishevelled self, for a second I felt a twinge in my chest for being so abrupt. “I can finish by myself, don't worry.”

“O-okay, thank you so much, Lily.” His voice low and shaky while he nodded. “Bye.”

“It’s alright, I’ll see you around,” I gave him a little smile with my lips sealed. “Have a good night.”

I waited until he disappeared around the corner to start heading towards the hospital wing just a couple metres from where I was. 

McGonagall had confirmed to me this afternoon Remus was temporarily going to St Mungo's Hospital, and although I had asked her, she had not been able to tell me exactly how long. It could be two days or five weeks, so I wanted to go myself to see how serious his condition was.

I’d barely had time to really feel the reality of the situation and every step I took became more and more awkward, more and more fearful. The whole area between my collarbone and my chest felt tense, my muscles stiff.

I had always been someone who relied heavily on my intuition but this time I wasn't sure if it was a hunch but rather pure liquid terror coursing through my veins. 

When I reached the closed door of the infirmary I stared at it without moving a finger for at least two minutes, observing the huge wooden plank with hatred as if it was the cause of my fears and problems. Taking my wand out of my pocket I noticed how my hand trembled slightly but just enough to be an inconvenience.

It's okay , I took a deep breath.

With a quick spell I unlocked the door and entered the huge room with mostly empty beds, all except the last one which was surrounded by an old green curtain. McGonagall and Pomfrey weren't planning on leaving him alone for long, I don't know how much time I had but it wasn't much.

Still the fear, the fucking fear made it hard for me to command my body to do anything. It was as if it had taken control of me completely. Once again.

The moment I heard soft sobs coming from behind the fabric my heart skipped a beat. Was that Remus or was there someone else here?

Breathe, Lily, it's okay. 

I walked over to the bed and carefully peeked out, trying not to be seen at any point. As soon as I saw someone standing by the bed, I took several steps back. I was sure they hadn't seen me but I still didn't recognise them either, it wasn't one of the ladies I was expecting. Someone young, a friend for sure.

I hadn't seen any of the boys during the day, James, Peter and Sirius had disappeared, and I was almost completely sure that they’d sensed what had happened.

Standing on the opposite side just behind the person I figured at a glance who the person was. If I didn't know about the invisibility cloak I probably would’ve had a heart attack at the sight of his head floating next to my friend's motionless body. It would have been a good confirmation that I'm losing my sanity more and more every day.

“Sirius? Sirius!” I whispered until he turned around to look at me. Even in the darkness of the night I could see he’d been crying for a while. 

His eyes opened as if the view in front of him was something to be scared of. I saw the intention of hiding under the cloak once again, he was fast to grab the edges but he knew just as well as I did that he wouldn't leave. Not with Remus like this. 

“How’d you find me?” he croaked, having a hard time for his voice to come out. Not many times in your life you get to see Sirius Black broken. 

“I wasn't looking for you,” I said while directing myself towards the lamp to turn it on, he didn't complain when the soft light hit his face. His expression remained the same as if he’s been in a constant state of confusion and pain the whole day.  “How long have you been here?” 

His eyes seemed to look through me as if they were lost somewhere in the background, the only two things he avoided was me and Remus, though I also wasn't able to stick my eyes on the boy. 

“Long time,” that's all he said and even if I had a thousand things to yell at him about, I couldn't find the strength to do it nor the will. 

As minutes passed we both finally found ourselves looking at something similar to a dead body, no movement or noises came from Remus and it scared me how long he's been like that. As our teacher had tried to explain to me, there's nothing more to be done here. They couldn't afford the kind of treatment a specialised centre like the St. Mungos had. 

“I'm sorry, Lils,” Sirius's voice was so low I could've mistaken it with a thought of mine. “I apologise because you should've known from the beginning what had happened.” 

Too late, innit?

“Marlene already told me and though I'm still fuming about it this is not the time nor moment,” 

He just nodded, seeming to hesitate whether to add further words or to maintain the tense silence that reigned between us. I knew he would soon crack it, I knew him too well, what I didn't expect was for his next words to be, “Can I give you a hug?”

I turned my head towards him, my heart forcing away the feeling of grief that hurt not only for him but for me as well. “I don't think that's a good idea, Sirius.”

After those words cloaked in a coldness uncharacteristic of me, neither of us spoke again. We both stared at Remus, my eyes going from his closed eyes to his strained mouth, and then to his hand on mine; the sweat and heat of mine contrasting the coolness of his.

We stared at our friend for a long time, or at least it seemed like hours when the door opened again. Without even trying to make a move, Sirius and I waited with the light on for whoever was behind the curtain to see us.

It's not as if the choices of people here were numerous either, we just let McGonagall open the curtain so that along with Madame Pomfrey and the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore could give us a disapproving but unsurprised look.

I wasn't sure if I should say something or not but I chose not to. I didn't know how long I had been here but I did know I should be in my dormitory by now. This could affect my impeccable CV if our Head of House decided to punish me for failing to fulfil my duties as prefect. And at this point I couldn't care less.

Sirius had already dropped his cloak completely from his thin, hunched body. He held it tightly in his hands, still wearing his pyjamas, he didn't seem to have left Remus's side all day and the only thing that comes to my mind is I should’ve done the same.

We couldn't bear the pain of letting him go, we knew it was for his own good but that didn't make it any better or more bearable. 

Remus knew the level of concern we felt for him was not the same as for the rest of the group and that was what hurt him the most. Not being able to stop us from going through it for him. 

The thing was I had always been his exception as he wasn't afraid to tell me what was happening to him and trusted that I could handle it better than the rest.

Him and I always joked about being able to read each other's minds because of how well we knew each other and I wouldn't wish for anything greater in the world right now than to be able to know what was going on in his fainting body right now. 

Had he trusted I would be better off if the group didn't split up? He felt that maybe I could handle the situation better? He had never been so wrong about something.

I didn't let the tears fall down my cold face, let alone in front of the people around me, but more than ever I felt the urge to let myself fall. I couldn't take it anymore , I realised that was what reflected the feeling growing in my chest. I can't take it anymore.

“You know you shouldn't be here, guys, it's too late,” McGonagall said in a serious tone that I hadn't sensed at all during the day. Her voice had deepened but not her expression; there was still fear, glimmers of small hope mixed with bits of panic. “You're the one I've been looking for all afternoon, Sirius.”

“I've always been here,” no more than a murmur came from my side, he didn't have the strength to even reply. “With him.”

Though she tried to intervene again Dumbledore raised a bony finger, cutting off McGonagall who frowned but remained silent.

“You know you are not to prowl the castle at night but we understand why you are here,” the Headmaster's voice as always slow and agreeable. “The news of Mr. Lupin's transfer to St. Mungos should come as no surprise to you, but I would urge caution.

We both nodded.

“We prefer that Remus's stay at the hospital is kept in a closed circle, whoever needs to be informed about what’s happened must be told he’d left due to a family emergency, understood?” Dumbledore continued, looking at both of us over his rectangular spectacles.

We nodded again, me glancing sideways at Sirius.

“Now go back to your dormitories, Remus will be back in less time than you think, you'll see.” Pomfrey's words failed to cheer us up at all but we had no choice but to leave. I let go of Remus's hand fearfully and very gently, looking at him one last time before I straightened up and started heading towards the door.

Both women gave a slight nod and as Dumbledore stopped Sirius to whisper a few words to him my teacher approached me.

“I promise I'll keep you informed,” she stroked my left arm as she seemed to be paying attention that the headmaster didn't hear us.

“Thank you,” was all I managed to say before Sirius resumed walking away, his cloak still clenched in his fists.

Notes:

I hope you have enjoyed the chapter, it was really time for the girls to have a word too, wasn't it? See you in the next one, xx.

Chapter 17: Tragedies Never Come Alone

 

*Sirius Black*

After a whole week without news of our friend, the tension within our group started to grow at a rapid pace once again. We had barely talked to any of the girls, Lily and Mary intentionally avoided us —understandable—, while Marlene and Alice didn't know what to do without causing some unwanted friction in their own group of friends. Peter and James closed up every time we were in the same room, and though I doubted they did it on purpose, if any progress had been made in the last month it was now gone. 

The shit had piled up so much we didn't know where to start fixing all this. I sure didn't.

Nothing could possibly save me from my own created catastrophe. At this point, there were times my body would shut down from the anxiety and nervousness I was dealing with, everyday it became harder to keep up with myself. 

As my private life was in shambles, my academic duties had taken a back seat to the point I couldn't tell the difference whether the teachers were tired or concerned about my recent change of behaviour. Strange the day I didn't end up expelled from class for being absentminded during great part of the lesson (ignoring the professor subsequently), sometimes I simply decided to stay in our room.

McGonagall had tried everything she could and had time to to make me think about my actions and why they were taking place, but it had visibly not succeeded. I felt like I knew every step I had to take, but I couldn't make myself move.

During my detention hours I always let her do the talking, that or we remained in complete silence. Her head and her heart were elsewhere too, so even if she wanted to be there for all of us, she couldn't. Not while one of his students was in the hospital with important injuries.

I’ve noticed she has changed a bit as well. When she talked she seemed not to be able to stick to what she was saying, like her thoughts had diverged but couldn't articulate it out loud, to the point she’d start mumbling to herself. At least it didn't take place during class, though she did look quite distressed. Things weren't going well for anyone, apparently.

The Headmaster kept an eye on us, too. Dumbledore had insisted he and I should have a talk and to be honest I hated the idea of being in his office just with him. I didn't trust him at all. It looked like since the day Remus left the situation had gotten serious enough for him to finally step in, but being honest I think he's the last person who could help me or anyone.

My family had always felt a slight disdain for the former Gryffindor student, now Headmaster, and that was something we all shared. I'm not fully aware of the reasoning behind it but I didn't really need one.

I bumped into him before going into my last class of the day, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and he gave me a strained smile before telling me he expected to see me in his office after the lesson. I tried to dodge him by explaining I had detention with Professor McGonagall. The same detention I had skipped a couple of hours ago.

Unfortunately it didn't work as he’d spoken to the professor beforehand and, apparently, she thought it was a good idea for him and I to have a chat.

I nodded and turned quickly to go into the classroom. I didn't feel like having any kind of conversation with him at all, he most likely wasn't going to tell me anything McGonagall hadn't tried to convince me of by now. 

I just hoped he wouldn't make a big deal out of it and get straight to the point.

As I walked through the door, my gaze accidentally met Crouch's, who immediately noticed me as well. What surprised me was the disappearance of the typical hostility he directed at me when we saw each other; there seemed to be a tinge of concern beneath the seriousness of his face, which was completely uncharacteristic of him. I ignored him and headed for my desk, just as he turned to talk to his blond haired friend.

As Mrs. Delvaux sifted through the mountain of papers on her desk, the students chattered quietly enough not to disturb her. She didn't usually mind the noise too much, because as soon as she started talking, everyone was aware of the consequences of disrupting her class.

Along with McGonagall, they were among the most intimidating teachers in the school.

I sat next to Frank, Mary had decided to sit next to Emmeline Vance, with whom I had never seen her hold a conversation beyond a few brief words. She usually sat next to me. I guess not today.

The boy flashed his typical cheery smile at me and I gave him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. I wasn't sure if Alice had decided to tell him what had happened but of all my friends I didn't expect Frank to have the worst reaction. 

We chatted about how the various classes were going, the training sessions –which I had skipped during the last week– among other small topics. Nothing that required any deeper reflections. Frank would always be the person I would rely on to give me a mental break from the problems that flooded my life. 

Just then the teacher began her lesson. Not paying much attention, I spent the first half hour scribbling on the edges of my parchment and staring blankly at the front of the class. When my eyes returned to my desk for a second, a note appeared right on the piece of parchment I was writing on, the piece of paper perfectly folded and for a second I thought it might be from James, but when I opened it the cursive handwriting on the sheet was not one I recognized. Extremely neat, sharp and totally unfamiliar to me.

Only one sentence lay written on it: " Is Remus alright ?” I turned my eyes back to Crouch's seat, but instead of him I focused on the boy sitting next to him, who turned his head to meet my gaze, but looked away immediately. The typical smug expression he used to give me was absent, not even his characteristic serious and threatening look, there was only something akin to concern. What's on with these two today?

I looked at the initials E.W.R . that signed the note just below the brief line.

I frowned at the paper just as Frank gave me an unnecessary poke in the side; I immediately looked up to find the professor glaring at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Mr. Black, as much as you’d love to,” she said as she took the paper out of my hands, making her frown even more at the sight of it, “notes don't write themselves, especially not on such a small piece of parchment, this part of the syllabus is important.”

She handed it to me and when I looked at it a blank piece of paper stared back. My eyes targeted Rosie's figure once again but his eyes didn't leave the professor for the rest of the hour. 

Anyway, who cared? Was I really going to answer it? Running my thumbs over the sheet of paper the letters reappeared but I quickly crumpled it up and put it aside. A simple and stupid magic trick, did the teacher really not see it? I tried to take notes for the rest of the class, but every word that came out of the woman's mouth seemed incapable of being processed by my brain. I heard the words, but didn’t understand their meaning as a whole.

I already knew what awaited me, this was merely a warning indicating my anxiety had started to take control of my body.

Digging my fingernails into the palm of my right hand, I tried to distract myself with the weak pain but it was useless. The teacher looked at me disapprovingly for dropping my quill, but this time she continued with her lesson without scolding me. I stared at the little I had written, unable to focus on the letters either.

My heart began to beat faster and faster, to the point where I feared I might have a heart attack, which was absurd, but I couldn't stop thinking and thinking and thinking... all the ideas were going through my head too fast to process, but they all made me feel just as anxious.

Fuck.

I dug my nails in harder as I felt the cold sweat slide down my neck.

If I could explain what was happening to me, if I could simplify what was going on with my body every time a small moment triggered my physical and mental decline alone, I would. I've always believed I was way more self aware than this. It was beyond my typical anxiety, it was beyond what I could bear. I had lost control over myself. 

Then someone tapped me on my shoulder, the class had finished. I looked up with a certain paranoia invading my nervous system. Frank, just Frank. He looked at me questioningly, his smile this time was awkward and at that moment I realised that I had grabbed his cloak a little too tightly, pulling him slightly towards me.

“Sorry,” I let out an embarrassed laugh and left his clothes alone.

“Nothing, man, see you later, looks like the professor wants to talk to you.” He got up from his seat and squeezed my shoulder again before leaving.

Professor Delvaux approached me with a serious expression as my friend walked away from me. Of the three hours we had each week, this was the first one I had attended and didn't pay too much attention. Accustomed to her nagging, I stood up and waited for the rest of the students to leave the class.

As soon as the last person left the classroom, the teacher folded her arms and stood in front of me without a word. If she expected me to say something, I didn't know what it was.

“Sirius, the other teachers and I have been talking about your recent change in behaviour,” her voice tone dropped its characteristic harshness. It didn't sound sweet in the conventional way, but as if she was being forced to tell me this. “You're usually a difficult pupil to deal with, but lately you've been getting worse, I noticed.”

I stared into her eyes, silent.

Sirius pay attention , I said to myself, pressing my lips together tightly as she continued to speak.

“We understand you are going through a tough time because of what has happened with your family and also, from what McGonagall has told us, in your close circle of friends,” her sentences were so long without any kind of need. I needed to get out. Yes, leaving sounded like a good idea. “And whatever is going on between you and Mr. Lupin I'm sure it will be sorted out when he gets back, I have to say I'm quite disappointed that he's not in my class this year, he's the kind of student I love to teach.”

Not like me, I know.

“What I'm getting at is... we want to support you and understand what you're going through but you need to stop skipping classes or behaving like you're not in one,” her tone got harder with that last sentence. She was mad at me, I'd dare to say even more disappointed than usual. “If you don't, you'll be temporarily suspended, Sirius, it's very important for you to listen to me.”

Wait, what the fuck? 

Was that why Dumbledore wanted to talk to me? I dropped my gaze, no reaction could come out of me right now without being an outburst. I was going to freak out and soon. I needed to get out of here.

She lowered her gaze to meet mine and when our eyes connected her eyes softened for a few seconds.

“Sirius, I know what you're going through isn't easy but we still expect the best from you, you're not the worst student in the world, you just need to…”

No.

I can't take it anymore.

I left the classroom almost jumping out of my chair, leaving Evan's note behind. Professor Delvaux didn't even react, she let me go and I thanked her because I'd had enough. After all, she had told me everything I needed to know, and I had been given my final warning.

I ran down the corridor until I reached the bottom floor, I reached one of the nearest doors and just as I was about to walk out the building, the last person I wanted to see appeared.

“Sirius, here you are! We have a pending conversation, don’t we?” the school's headmaster said as he blocked my way out of the building. His eyes showed his usual calmness, meant to make people feel safer around him, while for me it meant nothing. 

Surely if I started running he wouldn't come after me, but I stood there, frozen by my indecisiveness, trying to articulate a coherent sentence as he looked at me over his rectangular glasses.

“Let's go to my office, we'll be way more comfortable there,” he said while he made a small hand gesture to show me the direction. 

I didn't know what it was but there seemed to be something in his expression and in the way he spoke that made me wary of him altogether. Behind what he said there always appeared to be a big lie or a dangerous secret. Dumbledore, as careful as he was, would not let such stupid details as gestures or phrases slip out that could expose his tricks. I supposed those little hints were certainly like some kind of hidden threat.

You should never forget the power the old man had.

But maybe it was my anxious self raving.

Don't trust him , the little voice in my head tried to advise me. My mind was begging me to escape this conversation, even though my body had gone into some kind of shock and wouldn't move except to blink.

I couldn't. My options in that instant came down to either keep running as if he hadn't spoken to me or back off and act as if he hadn't spoken to me. I could also agree to lock myself in his office with him for a few minutes, listen to his old man talk, put up with the fact that he thinks he knows absolutely everything about everyone, and leave when things became too much to bear. 

Why couldn't they just leave me alone? Clearly there are too many students in this school who need their help more than I do. There wasn't much point in backing me into a corner until they had a chance to talk to me, I felt under attack and at any moment I would lose my mind. “I have to... to…”

“I promise it'll be quick, Sirius,” his simple answer annoyed me but what grew in me specifically was fear, it happened in such a way that the pressure in my chest increased. “We need to talk about something important, Regulus will be waiting for us there.”

My brother?! What? Why?

Another small smile from him. I stared at him for a few slow seconds, but no one said anything else. I took a slow breath of air, letting the chill prickle up my throat, and nodded my head. It was done.

Maybe Professor Delvaux's warning had come too late, maybe now I was going to be suspended. 

“I need to go to the bathroom for a moment,” I told him a few metres from the entrance to his office. That statue of the huge bird seemed to be looking straight at me, ready to get information out of me with its claws. Just like the headmaster.

“No problem, I'll wait for you here,” he replied with a slight nod.

My heart was racing again, I could feel it in the sweat running down my neck and the lump in my throat. I had a horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen. I'd been feeling weird since the beginning of the day, but now it was getting worse in just a few seconds, worse than Defence Against the Dark Arts class. My instincts told me to run away from there, Regulus being there meant family trouble. There were few things in the world I wanted less than that encounter.

Refreshing my face I avoided looking at myself in the mirror that covered the wall, there was nothing but a hole inside me so the outside didn't matter anymore. I never thought I would let myself sink so low but here we were.

I walked out of the bathroom feeling like I was about to face a horrible monster and when the entrance to Dumbledore's office closed behind us I couldn't help but wish I had run away when I had the chance.

I lifted my chin and stood up straighter without even thinking about it, another habit I thought I had forgotten.

Grey eyes so similar and yet so different from my own scrutinised me from head to toe, rejoicing in every little imperfection they perceived in me as I expected. I couldn't help the shame that invaded my body, I knew I shouldn't care but still the memories I had stored in my memory full of horror and trauma hadn't been erased and it didn't look like they were going to be any time soon. 

Help .

That was what my mind screamed and my eyes pleaded as she rose and stood in front of me. Dumbledore had already taken his place in front of his desk as if the situation was not with him, as impassive as ever, but I had not moved a step since I saw that dark figure fill the room like toxic air. Their presence magnified in closed rooms, shutting out the light from the rest; when they made their presence known, the players were gone.

My mother always dressed as if she was going to the best of funerals, something Regulus had inherited from her. She looked as grim and serious as the day I left, and I remember feeling nothing but fear the last time I looked at her. That was what drove me to flee, genuine terror, one of the things at least.

As I had said, Walburga Black's presence was so immense in the worst sense that I had not noticed my brother's presence a few paces behind her. With his head bowed, the boy stared at the ground, never at me, and then I feared the worst.

Could Regulus be transferred to another school, would they go back to France and take him with them? Overheard about Evan going through the same thing, don't know the exact reason but I'm sure what he did is not that bad, as our parents liked to exaggerate things a lot. 

Had I got him into a horrible mess, or maybe they'd made some stupid demand, so typical of my parents.

Could they force me to go back?

All the questions filled my brain and I could barely stand the tension of the situation.

“Mother,” I whispered, swallowing the terror rising in my throat in the form of bile, trying not to let it show in my voice.

If I ever have the chance, Dumbledore would be a dead man.

“Sirius,” she said in her typically firm voice that made me wince slightly, the s's of my name slithering across her tongue like a snake. “I have come to give you some unfortunate news that I am sure will remain of great importance to you despite your recent... behaviour.”

I frowned slightly, but immediately wiped the expression away as I saw her face grow even more serious. 

I am afraid. Very scared. That woman could be considered the core of all my greatest fears, the terror, cruelty and apathy personified.

In my head I felt again like the ten-year-old boy who locked himself in his room because he knew that if his mother found him, he would suffer a horrific punishment. I felt Reggie's fear, him crying beside me, begging for forgiveness for something he did not understand and that was not his fault. The same feeling gripped my chest at that moment, frightening memories merging with present reality, and I couldn't help but think that the dreadful anxiety that consumed me would kill me at any moment.

“Your father passed away, he had a heart attack two nights ago,” I didn't hide the surprise on my face for a second, Orion Black dead? I looked at Regulus for a second, but he didn't raise his eyes. Honestly, I couldn't blame him if he was feeling sad, our father wasn't the worst of our misfortunes.

“Please, sit down so we can talk about it more calmly,” Dumbledore said and I couldn't help but feel that I wasn't even capable of feeling anger towards him, my mother from her disgusted face I assumed I was but I had been left with this news that I couldn't see myself being able to feel anything for. “These are difficult times and this horrible event must be a hard hit in your family, I understand and feel for your situation.”

He's an idiot.

My father was neither a good man nor a good father. I don’t believe to this day there’s one person in his life who would’ve said otherwise. Mistreating, lying and just taking and taking from everyone around wasn’t the best way to gain a good reputation. The only thing I could ever thank him was the way he used to ignore us. 

I didn't know how to feel.

If someone had asked me before what I’d be feeling when my parents were gone, the first thing to pop up in my mind would’ve been sheer relief, happiness even. Right now I couldn’t agree with that and it made me feel even weirder. 

If there’s something I was certain of was my hate for my parents.

“We're leaving now,” my mother replied, Kreacher appearing out of nowhere with a rucksack in his wrinkled hands. The rude little elf had always been my mother's right-hand, it didn’t surprise me to see him here. At least Regulus seemed a little reassured to see the creature, just like with Evan it surprised me how he could so easily adapt to our environment, to the people in it.

When the word ‘we’ came out of her mouth I took a step backwards unconsciously, bumping into one of the shelves lining the stone wall. All the air got stuck in my lungs, refusing to leave my body.

“Don't worry, Sirius , I’m not talking about you,” a small, cold smile covered her face. The words spilled out of her mouth like a snake spitting poison. “I will take Regulus with me so he can attend your father's funeral, as he is interested in honouring his family and not ruining the family legacy. Your dear Headmaster saw fit for you to have this information as well."

Dumbledore nodded and stood up to move a little closer, you could tell that even he was a little intimidated by her presence. “All families have problems but in a situation this terrible I'm sure your children will want to support each other and the rest of the family as much as they can.”

Even Regulus raised his head to give the headmaster an unamused dead stare before letting out a silent sigh of tiredness that matched the bags under his tormented eyes. I don't know to what level he knew what had happened in my house but dismissing it as a mere family problem was one of the most hurtful things I’ve heard in a while.

“Maybe Sirius could go with you, I’m sure he’ll…”

“I can't go—” I cleared my throat as I intertwined my fingers behind my back. “I have a lot going on here already, I can't leave Hogwarts.”

I would've loved to be able to look into her demonic eyes while saying this but I simply couldn't. Staring at the floor helped me not to stumble over my words or cry while speaking to my mother. 

“Don’t worry, son ,” she made a fast and discreet sign with her finger for Kreacher to start walking towards the door. “We’ll be fine, right, Regulus?”

“Of course, mother,” he said in a tone loud, steady and clear enough for everyone to hear him properly. A voice he had to practise and practise till it was perfect, till it was approved by our parents, by her. “The Black family always looks out for each other.”

That was the first time he laid eyes on me, I immediately rejected the contact.

With our surname it came with responsibility. In some way you needed to earn being part of the Black family. From the way we stood, talked or looked at each other, everything was trained to the millimetre. Everything was judged and if not perfect, then punished.

My brother and I were the perfect examples of how someone in a position of such pressure could end. And both options were quite fucked up.

But if there was something we didn't do for each other that was looking after. He meant something else and that pierced my heart deeply, making me grimace.

“I’m glad to hear that then,” there was nothing good I could expect from this useless man.

“Let's go.” With those words the meeting came to an end, not making me feel any relief still.

Regulus was the first one out the door right after the headmaster, leaving me and a maleficent witch in the room. My mother suddenly grabbed my forearm hard and dug her nails into me. I couldn't move.

I can't do anything but look at her.

“Hear me properly, I don't want to see you anywhere near Regulus, I've had enough of you ruining the family legacy. I don't need you ruining him too,” her words were harsh and direct. Tears of fear and anger started to cloud my eyes. “Your family has never been a priority to you, you don't understand what loyalty means.”

I wasn't even able to answer, and that was because she was right. This family mattered little to nothing to me, I had even lost the only person in it who could stand me.

My eyes watered as she exerted even more force on my arm but I made no attempt to pull away.

I deserved it.

“You’ve been just a waste of time, Sirius, don't expect to find someone who'll see you as something else.”

My throat closed just like if I've just been punched. When she let go of me, I couldn't get myself to exit the room as well. Every inch of my body, in and out, asked for freedom of this strange feeling that crossed the entirety of it. 

She was my mother. The person meant to love me over everything. And if I couldn't get the most simple and primitive type of love —the one that my parents should’ve shown me— how was I meant to be loved by somebody else.

“Sirius, we still need to talk, kid” the headmaster came through the entrance once again and when I saw his face smile at me like nothing had happened, I finally lost it.

“How can you even let him go with someone like her? How can you even let this happen?” The tears in my eyes finally fell while my yelling increased with the anger and despair stored in my chest. “Aren’t you one of the most powerful wizards of our time? Cause right now, you’re just fucking useless. I don't know how I accepted coming here, I already knew you're about to do some stupid shit.”

His expression remained the same, calm accompanied by a condescending smile.

“Sirius, these types of situations are harder to deal with than you think. Believe me, I've done my research on your family's ‘issues’ and I know you've had a harsh life but they are still your family. I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while. Do you really believe living with the Potters’ was going to work long-term?”

The same question floated inside my head but hearing him actually saying it broke my heart finally into its final pieces.

“You know absolutely nothing about me or for the matter, the Potters’, you don't care enough,” I spat out. “I don't give a single fuck if you're the headmaster of this school, stay away from my family ‘issues’.”

Notes:

After what felt years of editing this chapter I'm finally back. I know I took my time but I've had a really hard time finding the motivation to write.

Hope you enjoy this and be prepared to welcome back Remus!! See ya, xx!

Chapter 18: Coming Back.

*Remus Lupin*

Coming Back - James Arthur & SZA

I said goodbye to my parents as briefly as possible to avoid the awkwardness of the moment, aware that McGonagall would be on her way to take me back to the school. These last few weeks had been a complete nightmare, between my long days in the hospital and this week in my house I was tired from the tension that had built up throughout my body from the stress of the situation itself.

The moment my professor and I looked into each other's eyes it felt as if the air could enter my lungs again unhindered. I could finally go home. 

She gave me a long, caring hug, just like the one my mother had given me moments before. My father, just as distant, still stood at the bottom of the staircase. His characteristic absent look was intermingled with other emotions that I failed to read. 

He had always been a mysterious individual, not necessarily cold but reserved, even with his family. His attitude didn't surprise me because it had never varied much more than it did today.

People used to say that we looked a lot alike physically and maybe if I hadn't gone through the transformation we would have been identical. At least that's what my mother used to say when I was little. Personality-wise, let's say it was similar, except this time it was him who seemed to be deeply scarred on the inside. Much more than me.

I didn't know the reasons why my father had withered so quickly over the years, not that he would ever tell me but my innocent, sweet mother kept mentioning it every chance she got. 

“Lyall hasn't always been like this, Remus, you have to understand that your father has been through a lot.”

What do I know about having a hard time, right?

After a brief conversation with my parents, McGonagall picked up my rucksack in which I carried the few belongings I had while I was in the hospital and as she touched my shoulder to take us back to Hogwarts, the nerves began to grow inside my chest. As if my ribs had become the branches of a bush and were trapping my lungs and heart, hindering their normal movement.

The last I saw of my parents was her sad smile and him turning around to go back to his room.

In just a matter of seconds we were back at the school, in her office. The smell of old books and warm chamomile greeted me like the embrace of an old friend, the branches cradling my organs loosened a little.

That sensation only lasted for the first minute, because as quickly as it left, the pain returned. Various parts of my body ached from top to bottom, and the crutches I was carrying did nothing to ease the discomfort I felt. 

As I took the nearest seat with Minnie's help, I gave myself a few moments to process the feeling of being back.

This office had to be one of my three favourite hiding places along with my own room and the library. If I really think about it, I have never thanked her for being my safe space for all these years.

Sinking into the chair as much as I could without wincing, I watched as she poured two cups of tea, pushing some of her papers and books out of the way before sitting down next to me.

“I'm sorry,” was the first thing that decided to come out of my mouth. The pain that soaked through that simple apology reached deep into my chest. “I'm so sorry.”

“Remus, what are you apologising for?” she asked as she took a sip from her cup. 

“I don't know,” I whispered, letting the heat from the drink warm my hands. My whole body shivered for no reason, the coldness coming from inside me as the room was kept warm by the burning fireplace next to us. “For putting you through hell, I guess, I don't–”

She stared at me, waiting for me to finish my sentence. I thought carefully about what my next words were going to be, avoiding looking into her curious and confused eyes. Those eyes that have always given me patience, love and understanding —and still did— for whatever reason I have yet to understand.

“I don't know what happened that night, but I never meant to be a problem.” The urge to cry welled up in my chest while my eyes couldn't have been drier. During these two weeks I had depleted my tear supply.

I honestly ignore what took place that night, I don't remember anything from the transformation to the moment I woke up in the hospital. Maybe, except for the pain, the hatred and the fear and then… nothing. Peace.

If I didn't really hate hospitals I wouldn't mind being pumped full of drugs until I felt nothing but the soles of my feet tingling. 

“You're not an inconvenience nor a burden to me, Remus, you've never been,” she stated in a stern tone of voice, not losing her composed gaze. “Madam Pomfrey believes that the weight of your mental health had some sort of influence on your werewolf behaviour. For someone who has studied werewolves all her life, it's a rather strange phenomenon; still you're quite young, maybe that had something to do with it. Would you agree with this?”

She wondered if weeks of panic attacks and a severe downturn in my mood had influenced my transformations in any way? I'm not a professional of any kind, but I'd wager it had. 

Even though I was aware that these questions were necessary to understand the situation and ensure my well-being, I couldn't help but hate every time she asked them. Besides, I'm sure there were better times to do it, and surely this information won't be of much use, as it's not something I could really avoid. I tend to be unhappy quite often.

“I don't know, it's never happened to me before,” I just replied, finally.

“What hasn't happened before, Remus?” she tried to dig a little deeper.

I remember how when I woke up in the hospital I still had a light layer of frustration over my foggy mind, the anger and sadness that had coursed through my body that night, the same feelings that were magnified the moment the moonlight hit me.

“Remus?”

I cocked my head to look at her so she knew I was still paying attention. 

“Yeah, umm, I don't think I've ever felt this bad emotionally, but I don't remember what really happened.” I took a sip from my cup, grateful for the warm feeling, replacing the fear this talk was keeping me in.

“Okay,” she nodded, setting the drink down on his desk, “we'll finish talking about it another day, I know you need to rest.”

Wait, is she kicking me out? Couldn't we reach an in-between? Maybe I didn't hide my dislike for these questions as well as I thought I did.

“I like it here,” I hastened to say. “Can't we talk about something else? I've had enough rest these days for the rest of my life.”

The tiredness behind my shaking bones disagreed completely with my lie but I didn't want to leave just yet. Leaving this room meant facing all the problems I left behind for the past two weeks, it meant lying and giving cheap, false excuses to people I considered my friends. Not that it was uncommon for me to lie but I was tired of repeating the same path with every single person I met.

I didn't want to face that yet.

“Don't you want to see your friends?” She leaned her arm on the back of the chair and her head in her hand.

“Who are you talking about, the ones who gave away my secret for a prank or the ones I'm going to have to lie about why I've been missing for two whole weeks?”

My sarcastic tone came out much harsher than I intended. But let's be honest, how was I supposed to answer that kind of question? I can't tell the Slytherin boys what actually happened, taking that risk again seemed nonsensical. And as for my fellow Gryffindor mates, the situation remained the same.

Maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I'll be able to spend the night in the infirmary or at least until Monday, when people would be too busy to ask questions.

“Both actually, it seems you've been keeping the Black brothers' minds busy.”

What did she want? Just as I loved McGonagall dearly, I knew her, and she wasn't normally so blunt in these sorts of situations. I sincerely hoped that nothing bad had happened during the time I was gone because I couldn't take anything else.

Was I being too sensitive?

“I'm sorry,” I whispered, not completely knowing why those words came out of my mouth this time. I just felt I needed to say it.

“You are forbidden to use that word in my office again, at least until you know how to use it properly, boy.” She gently stroked my ear and tapped me lightly as I hid my face in my arms. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Simply put, they're both very worried about you.”

 The marauders knew that such things could happen, they had happened before, and as I'd told them on several occasions there was no need to exaggerate it. I understand the concern from the rest even though there was supposedly an excuse for my leaving so there was no need for all the fuss. I don't want to seem ungrateful but surely there were more significant matters that required their attention much more than me.

“But, they know why I— I mean, James, Sirius and Pete must know what happened by now,” I stumbled over my own words.

“That doesn't make it any better, I knew where you were the whole time, I was still scared to death, Remus.”

Good point but I still considered that they were different situations and that this had become something bigger than it was.

“Why are you telling me this, do you reckon I should forgive them then?” No subject burdens me more than this one, except for the one about my wolf condition, of course. I suppose whatever she was telling me now wasn't for nothing but that she was looking for some kind of reaction from me, though in relation to the question I had thrown at her I had no answer myself.

And I refused to come up with one at the moment, solely and exclusively because of the fact that I was in a state of confusion that did not allow me to analyse the situation clearly. I had never been in a position like this before and I am just learning how to deal with this kind of circumstance among friends.

And that was it, for fuck's sake. For now at least, I guess? Whatever.

“That's not what I'm trying to say, dear,” she shook her head, taking a small sip of her tea. “I'm just letting you know, I think it's only fair. They've been rather pushy this last week, especially Lily, that poor girl I think had it worse, frankly.”

Oh, Lils, her and her big, loving heart. I've never met anyone as understanding and patient as her, even when those qualities didn't work in her favour she kept going, kept fighting. She and I were nothing alike.

“I'm telling you all this because you need to start being more aware of the love you receive and how much people care about you. We care about you, Remus.”

If only caring was enough, if only pure intentions and nice words were the solution to this mess. Then everything would be sorted out, there would be no need for all this shit.

But life didn't work like that, nor was love or affection a viable solution to such a big problem. But then, what was?

“And I truly appreciate it, I genuinely do,” I closed my eyes and tried to organise the ideas in my head. Being back was going to be more complicated than I would like.

***

Surrounded by my school shoes, among other items that were lost there months ago, a lot of dust and a couple of old books I lay under my bed. When I returned to my dorm late at night, the boys were fast asleep and some of my belongings were still laying on my bed. I decided the best option was to try to rest under it. This was something I used to do when I was younger when I felt stressed, scared or restless, but as I got older it started to feel weirder, although I knew the boys wouldn't judge me for it.

It helped me escape the overwhelming world I lived in, between my problems at home and fear of my new friends finding out I was a freak. Under the narrow, dark space I felt protected.

The floor felt cold under the small places where my skin peeked out but the warm feeling that embraced the room made it more of a relief than something uncomfortable. The smell of polish and chai that had permeated the room as I had entered was fading under the bed. Down here the smell was mixed with dampness and the smell of old clothes. Once you get used to it, it's not so strange.

I stared at the mattress for what could have been a couple of hours, trying to keep myself blank, no thoughts in between, just the mattress and me. So when I hear the alarm clock start to go off, as loud and shrill as ever; my brain wakes up too and with it its normal stream of thoughts.

The three boys woke up and started moving in complete silence except for a soft good morning as they got out of their beds. This was really weird, normally by now it would have taken at least three shouts to get Sirius and James to shut up. How strange it felt.

When they left to go to the bathroom to get ready for class I should’ve gotten up, I should’ve found another place to hide but I couldn't move, I didn't want to, I wasn't prepared for the day ahead. I promised a very insecure me that I would get up the moment they left for class, and indeed I would have if my body hadn't betrayed me like that the moment they were about to leave.

“Achooo!” A small and unwelcome sneeze fucked up my hiding spot, I'm sure if they hadn't been so quiet they wouldn't have noticed.

“Did the bed just sneeze?” Peter's voice hid the fear of the moment with the tiredness lingering in it but it was still discernible. Maybe I could scare them, not very likely to work, but still.

“Remus? What are you doing down there?” I turned my head slightly just to see Sirius' puzzled face and then looked back at the mattress.

“Nothing, I just— I don't know,” if people only knew me by my most recent behaviour they would have thought I was a fucking moron.

“What? Let me talk to him,” the voice that spoke sounded so lifeless I could have sworn James had taken my place in the group. Why did he sound like that? What the fuck had happened? “Remus?”

“Hello, James.”

“Can I come in?” The way his voice sounded squeezed my heart in the worst way and when my eyes connected with his face shadowed by the darkness under the bed, I didn't even think twice about nodding. 

Exhaustion and discomfort were putting me through a rough patch where I didn't have full control over my actions. The same phrase kept repeating in my head, ‘How are you going to tell James, our Prongs, no?’

He disappeared for a second and I heard a couple of upset whispers between the boys but I didn't even bother to decipher their words as the door closed. A couple of seconds later I hear a couple of soft, hesitant knocks on the wooden bed frame.

I'm suddenly reminded of all those days, in our first year, when James would do the exact same thing, pretending he was just walking into another room, not wanting to disturb me or scare me.

“Hey, I don't want to be nasty or anything, but you've been neglecting this space, man,” he said the moment he slid under my bed, cleaning the spot where he was going to lay his head down first. “How come you're back here?”

“I wasn't expecting visitors,” I replied quietly, leaving the rest of what he'd said unanswered.

“My bad, I just haven't seen you in a while,” something wasn't right. The way his voice didn't match the mood of his words confused and worried me. “I've missed you.”

I avoided looking him in the eye out of fear, fear of the truth that had been in my heart since the day I stopped talking to them. And I missed them so much, of course I missed them so much. It hurt so much to hear him say those words out loud, I wanted him to shut up but then why didn't I ask him to leave? Maybe the drugs were having some strange side effect I didn't know about and were turning me into an incoherent mess.

Wrapping my arms around my body I let the hundred sighs of despair leave my mouth as it was a sufficient response to what he had said. I didn't think answering him was appropriate even though I felt the same way.

“We don't have to talk but I want you to know that the days we used to do this back then were the ones I enjoyed the most, I cherish every moment I lived with you under this bed, that sounded a bit weird but you get it,” he whispered as if he wasn't sure he wanted me to hear what he was saying. “You've always been a great friend and I've always wanted to be as good as you, but I've failed terribly and I couldn't hate myself more for it. So I'll apologize until the day I die just because there hasn't been a moment in this life when I didn't think you deserved better than what I've given you.”

I took every word that came out of him with caution, though I knew he meant every word with his chest.

“I just wanted you to know, Moony, how much I love you,” I opened my mouth to stop him but he gently touched my arm. “Allow me, I feel like I haven't spoken so sincerely in months. Remus, I want you to be sure that you want to come back to us, that you want to be friends again and for that I'll wait forever if I have to. I can be very persistent.”

“But remember that if you need any kind of help, I'll still be here, ready to meet you in this very place,” he finished and I just firmly took his hand that was next to mine.

I couldn't think of anything to say to him, his words had certainly left me speechless for the first time in a long time. The only thing I could confirm was that we were a great fucking mess.

Chapter 19: Fire Lillies.

Notes:

First of all, I am so sorry. I'd love to say that I was abducted by aliens and then run over by a truck full of oil and that was then set on fire, and that's why I haven't been updating the story, but I have to confess just like any other human being I was burnt out from life. I will try to be more consistent, I promise.
I love y'all and thanks for the kind comments, I really appreciate them,
xxx

*Lily Evans*

 

- Fire Lilies are known for their ability to bloom even after wildfires or harsh conditions, symbolizing resilience and renewal. -

 

Another night without being able to sleep properly. Every few hours my eyes opened again as if there was someone in the room watching me, terrorising me, waiting for me to fall asleep to do something horrible. I don’t know if I preferred this or the hunting nightmares I was having a couple weeks ago, the only thing that is certain is that these dark circles were going to remain tattooed under my eyes for a long time.

My more logical and rational self knew all this was nothing more than a reaction to all the accumulated stress that reigned in my head. Anxiety was no stranger to me but this year was proving to be the worst in terms of handling it.

At least my duty as a prefect served as an excuse to get out of bed early. I couldn’t stand it in my sweaty bed any more. Before, what I used to do was to walk around the room but Alice is such a light sleeper that she would wake up to the soft creaking of the wooden tiles under my feet; I had also tried meditating, which I’ll actively try to prove to be useless unless you already had a peaceful life.

I got up to get ready and go downstairs to the prefects’ meeting that was being held in a class that happened to be on the other side of the school. Every month and a half this meeting was held with all the prefects from all the houses and the Head Students on duty so they could give us a briefing on the importance of getting along with each other and assess the progress of the year, set the patrol routes, etc. As I used to go with Remus, these were usually more enjoyable and we had a good time. Because yes, we don’t know why they took place on Mondays at this time in the morning either. There were things I wanted to do more than mingling with people at this time, like getting my fingers caught in the door of the Great Dining Hall.

And as for Remus, I still had no news of him. I hadn’t seen McGonagall all weekend so I hadn’t had a chance to talk to anyone who was going to give me any useful answers. When I tried to speak to the headmaster he simply gave me his usual cryptic answers that I should have expected from him.

“The state of the soul is the most important thing, Miss Evans, do you feel that your soul is at peace?”

That was the answer I got for explicitly asking, “Do you know how Remus is doing, will he be back soon?” So I didn’t try again, mostly because I wasn’t in the mood to put up with something I consider textbook teasing. My friend almost died, how can you start blurting out things that have no correlation whatsoever with that? I suppose Sirius had some quite justifiable reasons for disliking this old man.

As I had predicted, the meeting had been more than unnecessary bullshit, but at least I had been able to take a walk and had calmed my desire for violence. Good. It seemed exaggerated but this had become very intense, I was jumping at the first sign of it, and I didn’t like being like this but even a good psychologist couldn’t get me out of it, no matter how much my mother recommends it.

I know she cares a lot about me, and that’s why when she writes to me she avoids talking about how sick my father is or how Petunia isn’t doing well at school. I know she knows that I know she’s hiding things from me, but whether it’s for my sake or not I’ll always end up finding out, and I’d like her to know that it’s not in my best interest. But because she’s my mother, I let it go, because that way she feels better about herself and I don’t have to worry so much about her too much.

These past few months have been the biggest shit in the world.

By the time I got to the common room it was already boiling with the usual morning hustle and bustle before class. Among the crowd I found Alice and Marlene about to go down to the cafeteria to have breakfast but to be honest I didn’t feel like eating at all, so with a hand gesture I indicated them that I was going up to the room and despite the strange looks I got I started my way back to our room. I hoped I wouldn’t find Mary there, hoping that she had already gone downstairs knowing that she would never in her life miss the first meal of the day.

To my misfortune she was there, sitting on my bed in fact, looking at me like a concerned mother.

Please not today , I pleaded in my head.

“What are you still doing here, M?” I frowned, leaning against the wall by the door. My eyes quickly moving from my school bag laying at her feet to her, if only I could use my wand to grab it and run away.

I loved Mary, maybe too much. Kind, brave, intelligent and creative by nature, not to mention incredibly gorgeous. Her dark skin and curly hair, her long eyelashes and long legs, her full lips and round face. Every part of her. Just… gorgeous. The problem was she could read me too well, she could seem to see through every emotion that went through my head. And, really, I would avoid this conversation if I could.

“I knew you weren’t coming down to the dining room, so I preferred to wait for you here,” she said in a more nonchalant tone than I expected as she shrugged. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay, it’s been a rough few weeks, you know.”

I already knew this trick, he’d used it more than once on me. We started off softly without specifying what he meant and then peppered me with questions I didn’t feel like answering today.

“You know, exams have got me pretty swamped, but like the rest of us, you don’t have to worry about anything.” I gave one of my best smiles, avoiding as much as I wanted to avert my eyes from the intensity of hers.

“Yes, the exams ,” she paused, leaving the bed and moving a little closer to me, at a distance where stretching out her arm she could touch me. But she didn’t, she just started talking again. “You know if you need help with them you can always come to me, don’t you? I’m here for you whenever you need me, Lily, I hope you know that.”

And just like that, without adding anything else she left.

That certainly had been something. Great, now I felt horrible. Her tone at the end had been so soft, so sweet but with something harsh hidden behind it. The last thing I needed was for her to feel like I didn’t trust her either.

Did this have to happen to me on the day when I was at my most emotionally apathetic? It would seem so. I kept staring at the door like an idiot.

Uff, this day was going to be a fucking long one.

***

When the school day was over, I took advantage of the signal of my slowly closing eyes to go back to my room for a nap, which I normally avoided doing as I would have a hard time falling asleep at night, but I was really struggling to formulate a coherent thought.

For the horrible luck I was having throughout the day it looked like I wouldn’t get any rest as just as I entered the busy scene of the Common Room I found Marlene sitting on the couches where we normally studied together, which was really bad because she never sat there on her own so…

“Lils, come on, I’ve been waiting 20 minutes for you,” she raised her voice causing a few heads to turn in my direction. I ducked my head slightly and headed towards the blonde who was happily shaking one of her hands in greeting.

To be honest I had taken my time walking up those damn stairs because of the tiredness that had my legs tied to iron blocks.

“Sorry, Marls, I forgot we were going to study after class,” I set my backpack down and plopped down on the comfy maroon couch. I leaned my head back with my eyes closed and after a few seconds in which I heard no response from her, I turned my head in her direction.

She was in a similar position, part of her face pressed against the back of the sofa, fixing her gaze on me.

“Girl, you look like shit and it's only 5pm” was the first thing she said after a few seconds in silence, this time looking into our eyes, having a different kind of conversation, like telepathic. Something we did very normally, and now what I was trying to convey was that I was fine, lying through my obviously tired eyes. After a while she intervened again. “If you want, we can leave it until tomorrow, there's still a week or so to go before the exam.”

Well, it didn't work.

Of the four of us in the group, I would say that Marlene is one of the most observant, even if it didn't seem so at first. I knew from past experience that no matter how much I insisted she would not believe me. It was true that although we were all a bit weirder than usual, the only one who showed it through her physical appearance was me. I looked horrible and incredibly devastated, as if several trucks had just run over my body a disrespectful amount of times.

“I'll be fine, don't worry,” what a lazy response. Try something better. “It's just that I slept pretty badly, but it's okay.”

It could have sounded a lot more convincing but it's all I could give at the time.

“Are you sure, Lils?” she insisted again, but within a second, she shifted the focus of her gaze to something behind my chair, and her eyes immediately lit up as if the solution to all her problems had just appeared out of nowhere. “Maybe you should take a walk, some fresh air would do you good.”

I immediately frowned, “I said I'm fine, Marls, I–”

“Oi, Potter!” she interrupted me to shout and wave at the boy. “You heading to training?”

God, why me? I didn't know where she was going with this, but I didn’t like it already. The last time I talked to him, anger and frustration reigned over my mind, now the same feeling came up just a little tamed.

There are about a hundred things I'd rather do right now than start a conversation with Mr. Loverboy, as Mary loved to call him, whose attempts to talk to me lately had been nothing but annoying. Our relationship had been a rollercoaster of emotions, from the first two years when I declared my explicit hatred for him, to being part of the same group and having a friendship that I sincerely cherished with all my heart; and although he continued with his attempts to date me, they became less and less frequent, as did the times when I showed direct rejection.

It was no longer even a rumour that Potter had feelings for me, romantic feelings that I had never at any point implied I reciprocated. Or at least I had hoped he would. But the external pressure we were under felt much stronger than either of us could do or say.

Secondly, to be very clear, I have never been the least bit attracted to men. As much as I have wanted to deceive myself for many years now, I have been very clear that my attraction was to women.

I had never told anyone, not that they wouldn't be open about it –most of my friends I think somehow expect it-- but I have, without question, put what others thought I should do above what I believed, to the point of being afraid of disappointing other people's expectations. As much as I hated to admit it, I was terrified that this image of myself would disappear, this perfect image that I had worked so hard to achieve after being labelled an inept Muggle-born child for so long.

But back to Potter, despite the obvious improvement in our relationship, after what happened with Remus I found it difficult and very conflicting to find a middle ground in all the emotions that were welling up in my chest.

There was a lot of frustration, because of all his group I would least expect to be a part of something like this; there was also a lot of sadness and confusion at not knowing what to do next. I didn't even want to imagine what kind of situation Remus was in after such an event.

“Yeah, and so should you, McKinnon,” he said as he adjusted his glasses. “Where's your equipment?”

We looked at each other for less than a second with a certain complicity. The blonde's family situation was in a rather tense state, to say the least. It had gotten to the point where Marlene was being coerced into gradually quitting the quidditch team, which was to be expected since her mother had always been opposed to it. I was confident that it would be a request out of the very bad situation they were going through, something momentary to please her mother.

Only a fool could ignore the girl's passion and love for the sport. It played as big a part in her as her style or her friendships. I knew there was a part of her that sought her mother's approval but we both knew it would be unsustainable in the long run.

I didn't want to poke my finger in the wound, let alone upset or hurt her in any way, but Marls' mother seemed to me to be the kind of person who would always find something to nag or criticise. I hoped I was wrong, but it didn't look like it.

“I can't go today, Mum said if my grades get any lower I'll have to quit the team,” she let out a heavy sigh, tossing her hair back. A half lie, half truth. “But maybe Lily can keep you company while you go to the pitch, she looks like she needs to get some fresh air.”

I remained speechless, waiting for her to say she was joking. 

“I'll be pleased to have your company, Lils.”

Being honest, I didn’t feel confident enough to hold any kind of mature conversation at the moment, though it looked as if I didn’t have the choice. I could already imagine the direction the conversation was going to take and the truth is I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.  I would rather attend the prefects' early morning meetings.

“Don't I get a say in this or what?” I muttered.

“Of course,” James said as Marlene blurted out a loud ‘no’ begging me with her stupid, shiny eyes to leave.

I know Remus would say something along the lines of, “You're overreacting, Lily, delaying the inevitable will only make the blow three times as hard”. Too bad he wasn't around to tell me in person, right?

No matter how much I refused, my dear friend would not budge. I wondered what she would get out of forcing me into this situation that I had been avoiding for weeks. One could no longer exercise one's right to avoid one's problems in peace.

“You know what? Okay, I was falling asleep on this couch anyway,” I stood up, one of my legs too wobbly from the amount of time I'd been sitting on it.

Acting as if the situation wasn't bothering me would be the best thing to do, I would try as hard as possible. No promises, though.

As I went to take a step forward, for a second I felt like I was about to eat the carpet, my leg failing me as it had fallen asleep at the last moment. Potter's hands gently grabbed my arm before he quickly pulled away as he apologised in a whisper and started walking towards the door.

Before I hurried to follow him, I slyly flashed my middle finger at Marlene as she blew me a kiss. Fucker.

To no one's surprise, the silence was deafening between us, going above and beyond what we would normally establish as awkward. I was already regretting giving in so quickly.

I needed to calm down and find a way to say what I needed to say. That was the real purpose of the walk and if it didn't happen many more uncomfortable walks awaited me on the way to the end of term.

Think, Lily, think.

Thank Merlin, the moment we finally made it out of the castle I felt as if the tension in my chest softened, welcoming a cool breeze that cleared my brain of its heaviness as well. Slightly at least.

As winter approached, so did the coolness and the stingy wind, and for once I was grateful for the icy sensation, for it helped clear my stuffy head.

Come on, just tell him right now how you feel. There won't be a better time. Tell him.

Tell him.

Tell him.

But should I just blurt it out?

“James,” I whispered his name and then said nothing. He didn't answer, he just stopped walking and turned to look at me. Nervous and expectant.

I had no idea what I was going to say to him or how, but it was time to end it all.

“I'm... I'm very disappointed in you,” off to a good start . “You're my friend and I honestly expected better from you in what happened with Rem but it's not my job or my place to be angry with you.”

Okay, that's fine, continue.

“What I'm trying to say is,” focusing my eyes on his, the lump in my throat deepened, blocking my first attempt to get out another sentence. “I just want us to be okay, I really do, and I still find it hard to understand what's happened but I know who you are and if you trust that you can fix this then I have no choice but to hope so. I appreciate you as a friend and I'd like to keep it that way.”

“Just as a friend? Nothing more?” While the question pissed me off, especially after my speech, what struck me as strangest was his expression as he said it. He looked relieved. As if those words had lifted a huge weight off his shoulders.

“Yes, the truth is I'm sorry if I ever confused you in–” I started again but he quickly interrupted me.

“No, no, this is perfect, now I can finally tell him,” his eyes sparkled with excitement. Who the fuck was this kid talking about now anyways? I didn't have time to ask either because he kept talking. “Maybe three years ago I would’ve been devastated, but now, I.... I mean I still love you very much, but not in that way. To be fair it was getting weirder and weirder.”

“Yeah, actually, yes,” I let out a small laugh, my chest felt less heavy, completely taken aback by his words. That he was taking it so well was very surprising and I thanked him with all my heart for that. “It was fucking weird but I'm glad I made it clear.”

“Yeah, sorry about everything, Lils. I guess I just got carried away with what everyone wanted to see from us, you know.” A soft smile was plastered on my face. He had lived through this shit just like I had and that couldn't make me any happier. At least I could make it clear to all the gossips in this school that there was definitely nothing going on with either of us. “And, just so you know, after talking to Remus this morning, I really think things are going to be better now. 100% sure now.”

“What do you mean ‘ talking to Remus this morning ’? What, did he send you a letter?” My calm expression quickly changed to a frown, his words stirring something wrong inside me. McGonagall hadn't told me anything about his condition for a few days now, how come he did have updates on his condition.

“I shouldn't be telling you this,” he muttered, scratching the back of his neck as he looked to the side, avoiding making eye contact with me.

Please, Merlin, let nothing bad happen, he was scaring me.

“I'll punch you if you don't start talking, Potter,” my violent side didn't come out very often, but this certainly called for it. “We can't keep hiding things from each other if we want our friendship to work.”

“Being threatening and emotionally manipulative in the same sentence, Lils, I didn't expect that from you.” he smiled at me, but it was a wavering, nervous one. If he thought changing the subject was going to work with this, he couldn’t have been more wrong.

“I'm still mad at you, don't test me,” I grabbed his chin, forcing him to make full eye contact.

He stayed silent and I simply forced him to hold his gaze, knowing James, there was no way he wouldn’t give in, I just had to wait a little longer and...

“He didn't want people to know but he's back,' he blurted out in a whisper, causing me to blurt out. “He came back during the weekend, apparently, but it was only today he showed up in our room.”

“What?” I said, although I had understood perfectly well what he was saying.

He was at Hogwarts. He was fine.

Remus was fine and he was here.

My heart trembled from I don't know what, whether it was excitement, happiness, relief, or from the chinks of fear that remained in me at the possibility that he wasn't going to come back to school. I noticed how my eyes watered but I wiped them with the sleeves of my jumper as quickly as I could.

“Yes, but you have to leave him alone for now, please, he’s going to kill me if someone else finds out,” he placed his hands on my shoulders gently, giving them a light squeeze. “You shouldn't have heard about his return anyway, I've had enough trouble trying to get Sirius to let him rest.”

I couldn't answer so I just nodded my head, my attempt at a smile remaining a tense tightening of my lips.

“He'll find you when he's ready,” he said confidently, as if it was going to happen sometime soon. “I have to go now, I'm going to be late for practise”

He gave me a hug and I accepted it exhausted from fighting against him, against everything in general. And also because he gave one of the best hugs ever, second only to Rem, of course.

“You know what? I love your shampoo,” he whispered in my ear, as I noticed the hint of laughter he was trying to hide in his voice.

Idiot.

“You're a weirdo, go away now,” I pinched him in the side, and he smiled playfully at me just as a quick shadow ran past us. I could only see a grimace on his face before I realised who it was.

“Reggie! Wait, please,” he waved a swift goodbye and followed a fully quidditch-equipped Regulus Black onto the pitch.

Chapter 20: Born under an angry star.

* Sirius Orion Black*

*Comfort Crowd - Conan Gray*

Grieving for someone you've supposedly hated for longer than you've been able to love them must be one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. Most days since I got the news, usually at night, I would stare out my bedroom window thinking about him. Nothing specifically positive or negative, just him being there. Him reading the paper, humming softly when he thought no one was watching, him and I involuntarily spending time together because there was a quidditch match on TV; and thoughts like that kept coming into my mind as if I'd given them permission to do so. As if there was some purpose in me revisiting it all.

My own head playing games against me, as if it wasn't hard enough as it was. He had always been a horrible person, so it would be normal to be able to hate him in peace now that he was dead. It should be easy to let go of a person I never wanted to have anything to do with.

I cried and lost my mind for days, months, hoping we wouldn't share the same name, the same blood, and now... all I did was think of him. His image king of my thoughts, making me feel further away from the real world than ever. 

From the very day I received the news from my mother, the day she left with Regulus to organise the grand funeral that only a man with my father's ego deserved, my feelings about this whole situation had been changing.

Relief.

Regret.

Sorrow.

Confusion.

I still don't quite understand where those feelings came from. It took me too many years to face the reality of my family life, the fact that they didn't love me, and that if this was their way of showing that they cared about us, I shouldn't settle for something so cruel, so mean. It took blood, sweat and tears not to tell myself that the love I craved was somewhere inside them. I needed something better. I thought I had finally learned that even if I tried my hardest I wouldn't change how they felt about me.

It had cost me so much. It didn't make any sense now. It was contradictory.

Sitting with my back against the cold wall behind me, my figure was hidden behind the trees and bushes in the small square that overlooked the stairs to the Ravenclaw tower, and there I continued to cry silently for the rest of the afternoon.

I didn't feel sad in the least. It was more like crying to release tension and confusion, it was desperation, so much had happened and I couldn't keep up with the pace at which my emotions were going in and out of my body.

Too many things to worry about and never enough time.

Was this a betrayal of myself? Wasn't it everything I had been doing this term? Lying to myself about it made no sense, my thoughts were nothing more than rivers going in different directions colliding, leaving me more lost than ever. I floated in a lake of incoherence.

Death as a concept had been something I had never given much thought to because it really terrified me. I was frightened of the sudden change from life to ceasing to exist.

I would never see my father again, the one who had made me suffer so much throughout my 16 years of short life, only in competition with my cruel and narcissistic mother, and that made me? feel bad? Well, that sucks.

I had wished I had never existed, but that's different from dying. All those people around you wouldn't have had such a hard time because of you, all my mistakes that had done so much damage would never have existed. Regulus, James, Lily, Marls... Remus, they would all be fine. And by not having existed I would have been spared so much suffering too.

Maybe if my father hadn't existed too many mistakes would have been avoided, maybe I'd be a better person if I'd had a different dad. Or rather, a world without the Black dynasty. 

Though it would have been a shame if the world had missed out on someone like Reggie - he deserved a life, a good life more than anyone else in this family.

I wondered what the funeral had been like. I wished I had been able to talk to him since then, but I hadn't found the time, maybe hadn't even looked for it. I missed him so much during those nights, during bad family times, he and I used to sit on my bed and talk, not necessarily about it, but it was the least we needed to calm down and get a good night's sleep. My first and best confidant above all.

I remember very fondly those times when we got along better. Before he got along better with Evan and before I got into Hogwarts and met James. Those days when I was the first person he went to first and foremost. Before what happened to Dad, I hadn't really stopped to reflect on how much I actually missed him. Hell, I even miss when he used to scold me like he was the big brother.

If you could tell me what to do, Reggie, I promise I would do it. 

Even when it started to rain I didn't even flinch, I let the sky weep over me as if we shared the same kind of numbing ache. Maybe this water would wash my past away and allow me to climb out of this dark hole I have dug for myself.

This is the peak of drama even for you, Sirius, Regulus' voice said in his typical annoyed tone.

I've finally lost my mind. How nice.

“Hey, you idiot, I told you to get up, you're going to get sick,” the sound of rain hitting an umbrella made me open my eyes, Reggie's figure appearing in front of me. Frowning, I stood up quickly, had I summoned him? “Remus told me you were here, come on.”