Chapter Text
Candied Bacon
Ingredients
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Thick cut bacon
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Brown sugar
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Pictures of Thor with his shirt off
Okay, so the first thing you're going to want to do is mix up some brown sugar. You could buy your own, but why the hell would you do that when it's so easy to make and tastes so much better fresh? Here's what you do. Grab regular granulated sugar and a jar of unsulfured molasses. For every cup of sugar, add a tablespoon of molasses. Mix with a fork, a mixer, or (if you're me) put a glove on and use your hand. Add or subtract the amount of molasses depending on how light or dark you want your brown sugar to be. In this case, you're probably going to want it to be fairly dark. Why? Because I said so.
Now that you have your brown sugar, we can get this party started. Coat your bacon with the brown sugar. You can use a bowl and mix by hand, but I've always been partial to putting them in a large ziploc bag and shaking until all the pieces are more or less covered. (Does anyone else remember that episode of Home Improvement? With the chicken? And why was the mom teaching the youngest brother how to cook? She sucked at cooking. What was up with that?)
This is about the point where Jane will come in and ask when it's going to be ready. Distract her with the pictures of Thor and lock her out of the kitchen.
Put a cooling rack on top of a foil lined cookie sheet and lay the bacon on top of the rack. Do not, DO NOT, lick your fingers. Yes, I'm looking at you, Tony. Yes, I did smack your hand. Yes, I am going to tell Pepper and Steve that you tried to lick raw bacon grease.
Shut up and get out of my kitchen. Your kitchen. The kitchen. Get out.
Okay, so the bacon is ready to go in the oven now. Did I mention that you should have preheated the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit? No? Well, you should do that.
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If it still isn't heated all the way, go taunt Clint for a while. He'll act like he's going to shoot you, but Natasha won't let him.
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Stop crying, it's only a flesh wound. It'll get better. Right, so your oven should be heated by now. Put your bacon in the oven and set a timer for fifteen minutes. When the timer goes off, rotate the pan. Most ovens are kind of fucked up and don't cook evenly, so this will help to keep your bacon from getting burned. Let's be honest, burned bacon just isn't as good. Once the bacon is rotated, set the timer for another fifteen minutes. Your time will vary depending on how thick your bacon is. If it's starting to get dark at the edges, you're probably good to go.
Transfer the bacon onto some parchment paper to cool using a fork or tongs. Don't use your hands, because it's just embarrassing to watch someone who's saved the world sniffling because they burnt their fingers on melted sugar. Embarrassing and going on youtube.
Bribe Natasha with promises of the first bite so she'll keep everyone out of the kitchen while the bacon cools. If it starts to cool and is soggy and gross, then put it back in the oven for a little longer, because that shit's not done yet. If it's not soggy, then share the entire first batch with Natasha, remember that you promised everyone else that they could have some too, and make some more.
Repeat as needed.