Chapter Text
Zuko is weak. That is the first fact that little Azula ever learns. Her father teaches her this over and over. Ozai insists that everyone acknowledges just how inferior and pathetic her older brother is compared to them.
Zuko is also kind. This is the second fact Azula learns, and her older brother teaches it to her himself. Zuko is the only person in the whole Fire Nation who is nice to her without expecting anything in return. Even when she pushes him or sets his toys on fire, Zuko still makes sure that she gets the biggest piece of dessert even though mother would rather give it to him. He’ll still take all the blame when she breaks something, even though their father will lash out.
Her father insists that Zuko’s kindness makes him weak, and always tells Azula that he wishes she had been born first, or that he had pitched Zuko over the palace wall when he was born. These comments make Azula feel proud of herself for being better, for being good enough to have her father’s love, but she also feels bad that Zuko is treated so poorly.
It’s all very confusing. Father is right , after all - Zuko is soft and emotional - but Azula doesn't know why that makes him worse than her.
Sometimes, when father is in an especially bad mood and Zuko goes crying to mother, Azula thinks that it would be easier if her older brother just did what father wanted him to. But then, she thinks, she would lose the only person that she has. And for all of Zuko’s softness, he is well loved, both by their family (excluding father, of course) and by their subjects. Azula, on the other hand, is feared by everyone except Zuko
(
her mother steps back in horror. “What is wrong with that child?”
)
.
Father tells her that it is better to be feared than to be loved. He pats her head and tells her that control is much more effective than kindness. Ozai is even almost… nice to Azula, sometimes.
But he wants something from her, just like everyone else. He wants her talents, her natural genius. He wants to mold and shape her into his perfect little weapon. He wants to harness her raw potential and use it for himself.
Azula knows this truth, just like she knows that her mother looks at her and sees a monster. But sometimes, like when Azula is sick or particularly tired from training, her mother will sit on the edge of her bed, card her hand through Azula’s hair, and sing her a lullaby.
But her mother wants something for her, too. She wants Azula to be her sweet, gentle, good-natured daughter. She wants Azula to sew and cook and not spit insults when she sees people being idiots. Her mother wants her to become someone that she is not - not only that, she wants her to become somebody she would hate. And when Azula fails to meet her expectations, she will stare at her like Azula just ate her best friend.
Uncle doesn’t even give her the time of day when he visits, opting instead to drink rare teas with mother and to teach Zuko to play Pai Sho (it’s the only game that Zuko can still beat her at). At least her Uncle doesn’t pretend to care, unlike everyone else. And it’s not like Azula feels left out, and she violently tells any small part of her that disagrees to shut up. She doesn’t need any special attention, and it gives her more time to practice her advanced katas.
Azula most certainly does not care at all when Zuko sneaks into her room after Uncle leaves with two cups of exotic earth kingdom teas and a Pai Sho board. She definitely doesn’t tear up, she’s not a crybaby like Zuko.
Zuko is nice to Azula even when she is mean back. Sometimes he will break down crying if she carries her teasing too far, but he never hits her back or calls her mean names. Most of the time, he doesn’t even tattletale. Even when he’s upset, Zuko knows that sometimes Azula doesn’t know how or when to stop. Azua sometimes wishes that other people would learn that about her too.
Through the years, Azula learns to associate her brother with the earthy smell of tea steeping, and the feeling of steam brushing against her face before she takes her first sip. She learns that her brother is laughter and comfort, and, most importantly, he is her home.
When Zuko is seven and Azula is five, Zuko summons his first real flame. It is soft and steady, and reminds her of the family hearth in their beach home. Zuko’s flame was campfires and lamps and stoves, it is as warm and welcoming as he is. Even though she doesn’t say it, Azula thinks that it is beautiful.
Father took one look at it and scoffed. “Disappointing.” He sneered. “Your sister was born sneezing sparks stronger than this. Is this truly the best that you can manage?”
Zuko was devastated, but he did not cry. He met his father’s eyes and promised with a trembling lip to be better.
That was the first time that Azula truly felt hate towards their father. That night, she creeps into her brother’s room with perfectly brewed tea and his favourite scroll. They spend the night giggling, giddy with mischief. That night was when Azula first realized that she loved her big brother as much as he loved her. She wanted to make sure that he was happy and safe, and she likes their time together, even if Zuko could be a bit daft at times.
Azula pauses her reading after this revelation and sets the scroll beside her. Zuko’s gold eyes widen curiously at her serious look. “What?”
“I love you, Zuzu.” Azula declares. “You’re the best person in the whole Fire Nation, and father doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” She takes a deep breath in to steel herself. “Father is being stupid! And mean! I don’t like him anymore!” Zuko gapes at her for a moment before seizing her in a bear hug, which Azula graciously tolerates for a whole minute before squirming out of his embrace and shoving him away from her. “I’m still better than you, though.”
“Of course you are, Lala.” Zuko scoops her back up , and it takes all of Azula’s self-control not to shriek with indignation. “You’re the most amazing person in the whole world!”
Yes, Azula loved her brother, she decides as she leans back into Zuko’s warm hug, eyes drooping. She loved him even though he was soft and weak and emotional and everything else that father said was wrong with him.
When Azula is nine, she kills someone for the first time. Her father helps her dispose of the body, a proud grin adorning his face. Mother is, of course, horrified.
It started when Zuko began coming home from his training session with hand shaped burns scattered up and down his arms, and occasionally dotting his cheeks.
At first, when everyone was just noticing, mother went straight to father and demanded that he do something. Father simply waves her off, stating that if Zuko truly wants something done about it, he needs to get strong enough to take care of it himself. After that confrontation, their mother does not push the issue any further. She lets Zuko keep coming home hurt, and does nothing but kiss his burns and wrap them with bandages. Azula hears her sometimes, apologizing softly to Zuko, tears glittering in her eyes.
That is when Azula realizes that she hates her mother, too. How dare she act like she cares, but still send Zuko out to be tortured?!
The best way to get something done right is to do it yourself, so Azula takes matters into her own hands. The firebending teacher is almost laughably weak compared to her. Azula manages to summon blue flames for the first time, the light reflecting off of her skin ominously. The old man’s pathetic groveling and screaming only made the occasion all the more pleasant. However, she was left with the challenge of disposing of the body. For all that she was a prodigious fighter, the man certainly did not go easy on the fire flakes and was easily six times her weight.
This was how father caught her during the early morning hours, struggling to drag the man through the royal gardens by his foot.
“Don’t worry.” Azula says when Zuka tentatively asks her if she knew where his teacher went. “He won’t be coming back here, I took care of it.” She sees relief paint her brother’s face, and knows that she made the right choice, regardless of what mother says.
Azula is nine and a half when she overhears her grandfather order Zuko’s death. She warns him immediately, and even comforts him when he bursts into tears. Azula has come to realize that she loves Zuko because of his softness, not despite it. Which is somewhat odd, because she finds it extremely annoying in everyone else.
Mother finds out about the assassination plan when she catches Azula creeping toward the Fire Lord’s quarters, wielding a dagger the length of her forearm. Azula’s mother gently pries the blade from her tiny fingers and kisses her hair. She leads Azula back to her room by hand, promising to take care of everything.
Azula immediately leaves her room to go stand guard on the edge of Zuko’s bed, just in case. Mother has never been trustworthy before, so why should that change now? When her mother quietly enters the room in the middle of the night, she runs a soft hand through Azula’s hair.
“Watch after your brother, my little dragon.” She whispers to her, melancholic, Then she turns to say goodbye to Zuko, who stirs but doesn’t wake fully. Their mother is gone the next day, and for the first time in her life, Azula respects her. She may not love her mother, and her mother may not love her, but they both share a love for Zuko.
Ozai is crowned Fire Lord the day after his father’s funeral, and Azula feels dread in the pit of her stomach. She knows that she is safe - she is the prodigy, the favoured child - but Zuko is not. She sees her misgivings reflected on her brother's terrified face, and she is right to worry, because their father’s cruelty towards Zuko increases tenfold within the first week of his reign.
Azula is eleven when Zuko’s idiocy finally gets him into trouble that Azula can’t get him out of. Or maybe it’s their Uncle who’s the idiot for letting Zuko convince him to let him into a war meeting when Uncle knows full well that Zuko is too softhearted for that sort of thing. They’re probably both idiots, she decides, as she helps her brother improve his katas in preparation for the Agni Kai.
Zuko, for his part, is confident in his ability to soundly beat the old general he’s badmouthed, and Azula is included to agree. For all that Zuko is not a prodigy like she is, he’s still a talented firebender. Certainly skilled enough to defeat an out-of-practice old fart.
Azula watches as her brother is summoned for the match, and walks silently with Uncle to their front row seat in the stadium. She watches as the old general steps out to meet Zuko in the arena. Except, she realizes with growing horror, it’s not the old general.
It’s their father.
Ozai stands tall and unwavering, even as his son kneels before him, begging for forgiveness. Azula realizes what her father is about to do, and lunges out of her seat and toward the arena floor. She’s stopped by a large hand wrapping around her arm and pulling her back. Azula turns to see the pale face of her uncle, who just shakes his head slowly.
“You will get hurt too.” He whispers hoarsely.
So Azula stands, frozen, as their father speaks loud enough for all in attendance to hear. It’s clear that he is taking cruel pleasure in the humiliation of his son by the tone of his voice. “You will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher!”
Azula registers the scent of burning flesh before she hears her brother screaming. She feels bile rise in her throat as she squeezes her eyes shut. When she finds the courage to open them again, her brother is lying motionless on the ground. Azula distantly thinks that he looks dead.
Healers rush into the arena and whisk her brother away, but not before Azula catches a glimpse of her brother’s face. The sight of it would have made anyone with a weaker stomach throw up. She hears her uncle gagging in the background, and thinks that he is probably crying. Zuko’s face is charred from his left eye to his ear. He’ll be lucky if he retains sight and sound on that side.
She pushes past her uncle and starts running for the infirmary, but changes her mind halfway through and heads for Zuko’s room instead. It only takes her a few moments to find the knife that Iroh had gifted her brother. Once she has it comfortably hidden in her sleeve, she heads for the throne room.
Predictably, she is let in without any sort of escort. For all of her fathers rhetoric about trusting no one, he places an awful lot of faith in Azula’s loyalty to him. Shows how smart he is, she supposes.
Ozai does not have the chance to speak even a single mocking word about Zuko before the knife is buried hilt-deep in his throat. He chokes for a moment, shocked, before tumbling clumsily from his throne. Azul gives herself a second to linger and gloat over her gurgling father before swiftly turning and leaving the room.
Azula silently makes her way over to the infirmary after washing the knife and returning it to Zuko’s room. She’s considered just dumping it over the palace wall, but it would be rude to not return a borrowed object. Especially an object as dear to Zuko as this dagger.
As she slips into the room housing her brother, she notices her uncle’s eyes catch on the blood staining her sleeves. She raises an eyebrow, but all her uncle does is nod approvingly.
“How kind of you to spend the entire day by Zuko’s bedside, niece.”
“Naturally.” Azula scoffs. “Where else would I be?”
Iroh is pronounced regent until Zuko is recovered and old enough to take the throne to himself. His first act is to call off the investigation into Ozai’s death, ruling it a tragic accident. He meets Azula’s eyes as he makes this announcement, and she thinks that perhaps her uncle isn’t so bad, after all.