Work Text:
Usopp groaned as he made his way to the coffee maker. Mondays were the absolute worst, and he hated every second of every moment he was awake.
“Morning, Usopp!” His coworker Sanji greeted cheerfully, looking more put together than anyone had any right to so early this morning.
His hatred for the world melted the moment Sanji put a cup of coffee in his hands, the tantalizing smell and promise of caffeine instantly improving his mood.
“Morning, Sanji,” he said after a sip, feeling much more human, “Did you have a good weekend?”
“Yeah,” he smiled and sipped his own coffee, “Just spent a quiet weekend with Zoro, but it was nice.”
“Yeah…I bet…” Usopp fidgeted with his cup, always cautious around the mention of Sanji’s precious Zoro, “And, uh, Zoro…had fun?”
“Of course,” he laughed, “He loves lazy weekends, just spends his time sleeping in whatever warm spot he can find.”
“Okay,” he tried not to let the strain show in his voice, “That’s…great. Glad you both…enjoyed yourselves.”
Sanji’s smile brightened, but he was called away by their boss before he could say anything else.
Usopp let out a sigh of relief. He liked Sanji — he was one of his favorite coworkers, and he considered him one of his good friends at this point — and Sanji was always telling him stories about Zoro, but there was one small problem.
He wandered over to Nami’s desk, leaned ever so casually against it as he sipped his coffee and asked, ever so casually, “So have we figured out if Zoro is Sanji’s boyfriend or his dog yet?”
Nami groaned, her head falling to her desk, “I don’t know. I’m pretty sure he has a boyfriend, but I forget his name.”
“Wait,” he blinked at her, “You forgot?”
“I can’t remember every man’s name, Larry.”
“You’re hilarious, Sally,” he said with an eye roll.
“You guys talking about Zoro?” Luffy said, rolling his chair over to join in the conversation, “I think he’s his boyfriend.”
“But he’s always talking about him barking and fighting people,” Nami pointed out, “That’s dog behavior, not boyfriend behavior.”
“What makes you think he’s a boyfriend?” Usopp asked.
Luffy hummed, his face scrunching as he thought about it, “Well, Sanji seems more like a cat person. Hey, maybe Zoro’s his cat.”
“Zoro’s not his cat,” Usopp was sure about that at least, “He’s either his boyfriend or his dog.”
“Talking about this is pointless,” Nami sighed, “We’ve got to get to the bottom of this.”
“You’re right,” Usopp nodded as their eyes all turned to Sanji, “It’s time to play dog or boyfriend.”
“Alright,” Luffy laughed, “I love this game.”
They make their way over — ever so casually — to where Sanji is fiddling with the coffeemaker again.
“Hey Sanji,” Usopp said, leaning ever so casually against the counter, “We were just wondering what you like to do with Zoro on your days off.”
“Oh,” Sanji perked up, smiling wide as he turned to face them, “Well, I like taking him on long walks a lot.”
Usopp nodded. Obviously dogs walked, but the tricky part was humans could walk too. Still not enough data to determine if Zoro was a dog or a boyfriend.
Sanji sighed and shook his head, “Of course, he gets lost easily if I don’t keep an eye on him.”
“I see.” Humans could be trusted to stay by their partners, so Usopp was leaning towards Zoro being a dog.
“And he always gets so dirty whenever he goes out,” Sanji grimaced as he continued, “and it’s always such a hassle getting him to bathe. Throw soap into the equation and it’s just a mess.”
“Uh-huh,” Usopp nodded along. Typical dog-like behavior. That was a point for dog if he’d ever heard one.
“But if he’s been good and didn’t attack anyone while we were out, I’ll give him a treat,” Sanji finished with a pleasant grin.
“Oh, cool,” Usopp said, fully assured now that Zoro was his dog.
Sanji was called away again, and Usopp turned back to his cohorts, “So, we agree…”
“That Zoro’s his dog?” Nami nodded, “Yeah, no doubt.”
“It has to be a dog,” Usopp eagerly agreed, “I mean, if that was a human, there’s no way Sanji would be dating him.”
“Right, exactly,” Nami sighed, “Sanji has taste.”
“I dunno,” Luffy laughed, “I still think Sanji’s a cat person.”
“Cat people can own dogs,” Usopp insisted, slinging an arm over his shoulder, “Trust us. Zoro’s a dog. There’s no way he’s not.”
“But if you’re still not convinced,” Nami’s smile turned devious, “We can always bet on it.”
Usopp sighed, leaving Luffy to make his suckers bet as he went about his work day.
A few weeks later, Usopp was at his desk, minding his own business, when the scariest person on the face of the earth approached him.
“Hey,” said this huge guy with green hair, one eye, three earrings, and biceps that could crush Usopp’s head with minimal effort, “Where’s Curly?”
“C-curly?” Usopp grabbed his head in an attempt to hide his own curly locks, “Never seen a curl in my life.”
He raised his eyebrow, “He works here doesn’t he? If I got the wrong office building again…”
“Zoro!” Sanji said as he rounded the corner, a bright smile on his face as he approached, “There you are!”
Wait…Zoro? Sanji’s definite dog Zoro?
Usopp came out of his fetal position just in time to watch Sanji lean in and kiss the guy’s cheek.
“There you are,” the man — Zoro, apparently — said with a grunt, even as a deep blush spread across his face, “Been looking for you.”
“I’ve been here,” Sanji’s grin turned mischievous, “How long did it take you to find the place?”
Zoro’s eye darted away, “Not long…”
“Uh-huh,” Sanji gestured towards Usopp, “Zoro, this is Usopp, my coworker.”
“Oh, yeah,” Zoro held out his hand, and since he didn’t want to die today, Usopp shook it, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Uh, yeah,” Usopp said as he let go, “Me too?”
“And this is Zoro,” Sanji placed his hand on his shoulder, “My boyfriend.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” Luffy rolled his chair until it crashed into Usopp’s desk, “You named your dog after your boyfriend!”
“Dog?” Sanji frowned, “I don’t have a dog.”
“Oh really?” Luffy laughed as he smacked Usopp’s shoulder, and Usopp actively wished for the floor to swallow him up whole and end this entire conversation, “Usopp told me Zoro was your dog!”
Usopp froze, turning towards the incredibly muscular and still very scary man who was definitely not a dog.
“He did, huh?” Sanji laughed, playfully ruffling Zoro’s hair, “Well you do always come when I call.”
“Shut up,” he growled, but his hand drifted down to grab Sanji’s, and he glanced at him thoughtfully, “We should get a dog.”
“Oh yeah?” Sanji’s grin was elated as he gave the hand a squeeze, “You want to?”
“Yeah,” Zoro’s face softened, his whole demeanor really, he gazed at his boyfriend, “I’d like to.”
The two looked at each other as if they were the only two in the room, and Usopp felt a little jealous of how much they clearly loved each other, but he mostly felt glad for Sanji. It was clear Sanji was happy with Zoro — even if he acted like an actual dog most of the time. And it was nice to see his friend so happy.
“If you guys do get a dog,” Nami said as she leaned across the desk and joined in the conversation, “Don’t name it Zoro. It would be impossible to tell who’s who.”
“We can talk about it over lunch,” Sanji laughed, tugging Zoro towards the door, “C’mon Mosshead, we have reservations.”
Usopp watched them leave, still stunned that Zoro was actually a person.
“Who’d’ve thought,” Nami sighed as she sat back at her desk and dug through her wallet, “Boyfriend the whole time.”
She handed a handful of small bills to Luffy, who cackled as he shoved them unceremoniously into his pocket.
“I told you,” he said with a grin, “Sanji’s more of a cat person.”