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Malfoy,
What the heck were you thinking sending me those letters? Did you want me to sympathise with you and cry over your death? Or did you want me to run to the Wizengamort and beg them to let you off? Or did you only write them to curse me for defeating your noseless Lord and making you suffer?
Whatever the case, you failed. Because I didn’t read even a single one of them. They are all ashes in my fireplace now.
Ha! How does it feel for your plan to fail? Again.
Also, don’t you dare think that I would ever spare a tear for the kind of you! You deserved everything that happened to you!
Fuck you,
H.P.
X
Malfoy,
I hate you.
I have hated you since the moment we met, and will probably hate you forever. I hate you for insulting my friends. I hate you for making fun of my parents. I hate you for saying Hermione should die when we were twelve. I hate you for trying to Crucio me. I hate you for becoming a Death Eater. I hate you for almost killing Katie and Ron. I hate you for leading to Headmaster Dumbledore’s death. I hate you for letting the Death Eaters break into Hogwarts and harm the students. I hate you for everything you did and didn’t do in the War.
I hate you the most for those letters.
You must know they would haunt me for the rest of my life even if I didn’t open them when you wrote them. It must be why you wrote them in the first place. Because you’re a vicious, cruel, heartless, cold-blooded coward who never once in his life cared for anyone but himself. Even when you’re dead, you still have to torment others.
I hate you.
Why the fuck did you write those words? Why did you have to say that you would miss me?
Why did you have to say that you’re min
Scratch that. You probably didn’t mean it anyway. You probably only wrote that because you knew it would hurt me.
Fuck you,
H.P.
X
Malfoy,
Forget what I said in the previous letter. I was pissed out of my mind when I wrote it. I didn’t mean any of it so you’d better not take it as the truth. Well, I didn’t mean any of it except for the part where I said I hate you.
Well, not that you can actually read it. You’re dead after all.
Still, fuck you to hell,
H.P.
X
Malfoy,
I’m drunk right now so I’m probably going to say something stupid. Just throw this letter in the fireplace after you’re done reading and forget it. Or maybe I should just burn it when I’m done writing.
Talking about fireplaces, I haven’t cleaned my fireplace since the day I received your letters. Ron has complained that there are so many ashes that it started to get difficult to even Floo call me now. Hermione tried to clean it once but I got mad and shouted at her to stop. She doesn’t attempt to do it anymore.
It doesn’t feel right to cleanse away all traces of the letters. Funny, right? Since I’m also the one who burnt them.
I bet you’re laughing at me right now. Rein it in, you haven’t even heard the most hilarious part yet.
I tried to read those letters, you know? You must be wondering how I could read them when I already burnt them before even opening them. That’s why three days later, I found myself gathering the ashes in my palms, trying to spell them back into letters. Of course, I failed. I even asked for Hermione’s help. She nearly admitted me to St Mungo's when I asked her for a Time Turner.
What was I even hoping for? Those letters were already burnt away. There’s no way they could turn back. Just like time. What an idiot I was, right?
I shouldn’t have burnt them in the first place.
I wish I could have read your letters. Even if they were full of curses at me, I would rather take that over never knowing what was in them.
Sometimes, I wish I had never received those letters. Sometimes I wish you had never written any, or at least, never addressed them to me.
That was very cruel, you know? Maybe you don’t. You didn’t send me them, after all.
I still hate you though.
Fuck you to hell,
Harry.
X
Malfoy,
Did I really address that last letter with ‘Harry’? Forget it, please.
I really should have listened to Hermione and stopped drinking. I always spout nonsense whenever I drink.
I imagine you say that it’s no different from when I’m sober though. It is, you git! I’m normally much better.
Ugh, I know I’m not gonna be able to convince you. Bastard.
Fuck you,
H.P.
X
Malfoy,
I’m drinking again. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. It’s just too difficult to live without alcohol.
I hate my life. It’s a bloody mess. I won the War, so aren’t I supposed to be happy now? Isn’t the hero supposed to feel triumph? Why am I this miserable?
I wonder if you would say it’s a luxury in and of itself to be alive. Because you can’t even be it. Not anymore.
Sometimes I wish the one who died was me and not you. At least then, I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this. Especially your letters. Those are probably the most troublesome things in my life now.
I wonder if you will get angry at me for thinking like that, for taking what you can’t have for granted. But you see, I was supposed to die. I wasn’t meant to survive. I should have died that day in the Forbidden Forest.
Between the two of us, you’re supposed to be the one who lived. You had a family who loved and wanted you to live, while my parents are dead. Your mother only saved me because she wanted to go and find you as soon as possible, you know? And you have always had more self-preservation than I do. I used to consider it cowardice, but now I think it takes strength to cling to life. Living is hard, after all. Dying is much easier. Maybe I was the cowardly one.
I was supposed to be dead, yet I survive. You’re supposed to live, yet you died.
This is all wrong.
I have said more than enough for today, it seems. I didn’t plan to tell you any of that.
Why do I always lose control when it comes to you?
Fuck you, Malfoy!
H.P.
X
Malfoy,
One of the few pieces of your letters I did read was ‘ill not miss me’ . The first part was burnt so I don’t know what it was but I guess you meant I wouldn’t miss you.
I do though.
I didn’t intend to. I planned to forget you. To forget everything related to the War, actually. I had a smashing plan of drinking until I passed out and forgot everything, but as always, you had to come in and ruin it with your damn letters. What a git.
I wonder what it would be like if you were still alive. By the way, your sentence, if I’m honest, was unfair. I won’t pretend that you were innocent, because you weren't . You were a racist and a bully, you became a Death Eater, you let the Death Eaters in Hogwarts, you tried to assassinate Dumbledore, you almost killed Katie and Ron, and you tortured people, even if it was under duress. You did too many things to be innocent. However, you were a child when all of that happened, and you never killed anyone. Many people did far worse and received lighter punishments. Not only did you have to die, but it was also by the Dementor’s Kiss. I bet you wouldn’t have received such a sentence if you hadn’t been Lucius Malfoy’s son.
I wonder what would have happened if I had saved you instead of trying to drown myself in firewhiskey.
It’s no use pondering over the past.
I think I have had enough thinking today. You must be laughing at how little my capacity for thinking is. What a jerk.
Fuck you,
Harry
P/s: Yes, it’s Harry. Pick your jaw up. I just guess with how many letters we have sent each other by now, it’s at least guaranteed the first name calling.
X
Draco,
It has been a while, right? Sorry, I didn’t intend to let you wait that long. In my defence, sneaking around Hermione is hard as hell.
The thing is, Hermione found the letters I have been writing to you. She thought I'm going mad. What a laugh, right? Because if I'm mad, then I have been going mad long before I got your letters. Anyway, because of that, now Hermione is trying to do her best to stop me from writing any more.
It’s so stupid, isn’t it? Rarely anything Hermione does is stupid, but this time, I can’t defend her. Does she think that I would become better if I stopped writing to you? Please, we all know you’re not the problem. Come to think of it, except for Sixth Year, you have never really been that much of a problem. You were annoying, but it was just that, and I always had more serious problems.
Still, I must be losing my mind to call you Draco. Do you think I’m mad? Of course you do.
Tell me, Draco, what should I do? I hate it. I hate everything. I hate being followed around by fans and paparazzi. I hate how everyone keeps looking at me as if I’m some kind of pitiful small animal who might drop dead the moment they take their eyes off me. I hate how everyone thinks they know more about my life than I do. I hate that I don’t dare go outside or face anyone. I hate how pathetic I am. I hate myself.
Maybe I should die. I won’t have to worry anymore. Tell me, what is it like to be dead? It can’t hurt more than it does already, right?
Damn, Hermione came. I have to hide this page before she burns it like what she did to my last letter. I hadn’t even finished it. And she calls me mad.
Shut it. I don’t need your opinion. I will smash you if you dare insult her.
Fuck you,
Harry
X
Draco,
Hermione is still at it. She keeps trailing after me, telling me to stop writing to you and get out of the house. She even robbed Ron and the others in her mission. I can’t understand why she hasn’t gotten tired of it yet. ‘Cause I have had enough of listening to her.
Maybe I should go somewhere. Madagascar for example. It is said that it’s the perfect spot to go on a vacation. Then I wouldn’t have to listen to everyone nagging anymore.
I don’t know what it is that they find so problematic. Really, it’s not like I’m planning to commit suicide. I’m just writing to you.
Anyway, writing letters to the deceased should be better than drinking all day, shouldn’t it? See? There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t need anyone’s help, so Hermione can shove her ‘go see a therapist, Harry' somewhere else! I love Hermione, but it’s been months, shouldn’t she know better than that by now?
Shut your mouth, Malfoy! Don’t you dare insult her! Whatever her bloodline, she's one hundred times better than you!
Fuck you to hell,
Harry
X
Draco,
Hermione has finally seen sense and stopped trying to prevent me from writing to you. I didn’t care what she thought, but not having to listen to her nagging is a Godsend.
Instead, now I have to go to therapy. Don’t know why Hermione thinks it’s a good idea. Therapists are all stupid liars who like to pretend that they can fix people. They always say stuff like “don’t worry” and “it will be better”. How the hell can that garbage help anyone?
How do I know that? Well…
Okay, I admit, I have never seen a therapist. But everyone says that!
Fine! I know I of all people should know better than to listen to rumours. But come on, fixing people’s minds sounds suspicious, right? As horrible as they are, I don’t want to have my memories wiped away.
I’m not a coward! I’m just cautious!
I know ranting to you will be of no use. Heartless, unsympathetic prat.
At the very least, Ron agreed with me. Although he also thinks I’m mad because I call you Draco.
Come to think of it, you once said you wished I had a therapist. You must know they are rubbish, that’s why you recommended therapy to me. You vicious snake! As expected, I can’t let my guard down around therapists.
Fuck you to hell,
Harry
X
Draco,
I got my first therapy session this morning. It was… better than I thought. Perhaps it was only good because it was the first. We will have to wait and see.
Anyway, I have a pet now. He’s a crup, around one month old. I found him a few days ago in a corner close to my house. He was covered in bruises and shivering in the cold, so I took him home. Don’t worry, I checked. He’s a real crup and not an Animagus. I only intended to treat him and then let him go, but somehow we are stuck with each other now.
Hermione didn’t think it was wise for me to keep a pet though. She’s worried that I wouldn’t be able to take care of him since I can barely take care of myself. Ron disagreed. He thought it might be good for me to have a pet. So it’s two against one, and the crup stays.
I named him Jamie. You must be calling me a sentimental fool, but since I’m gay, I probably won't have a child of my own. So why not?
Anyway, Jamie is the sweetest little thing you can imagine. He never wants to go anywhere far from me. He also doesn’t cause much trouble. A chewed chair’s leg shouldn’t be a problem, right? I still have many others!
He’s also very intelligent. The other day, a Howler somehow got through my wards, but before it could explode, Jamie had torn it apart. My boy is very smart, right?
Come to think of it, did you have a pet? I never heard you mention a pet, but maybe you had one. Was it your owl? Or was it one of your family’s peacocks? It couldn’t be a snake, could it? Whatever the case, I bet your pet wasn’t as great as my Jamie.
Watch and envy, Malfoy!
Fuck you,
Harry
X
Draco,
I bet you will be shocked: when I told Sarah about my letters for you, she told me to keep writing to you if I want to! By the way, Sarah is my therapist.
Surprising, right? Even Ron and Hermione thought it was crazy, but Sarah didn’t!
Maybe Sarah is truly a good therapist and not some greedy liar.
Maybe I can be fixed.
Sorry for subjecting you to my babbling. I’m sure you don’t care what I feel though.
Fuck you,
Harry
P/s: I think Jamie approves of me writing to you too. He brought me the paper to write this letter, you know? The teeth marks aren't mine, git.
X
Draco,
I keep expecting the therapy sessions to go downhill, but somehow they haven't. I hate to admit it, but maybe Hermione was right.
What am I saying? Of course she was.
Sarah is nice, and she doesn’t pressure me into telling her anything. She is also so easy to talk to that I end up spilling the beans anyway. Talking to her makes me feel like a stone has been lifted from my shoulders.
The bad news is, Sarah said she couldn’t fix me. She said I had to pull myself up. Only I could fix myself.
How the hell does she expect me to pull myself up? If I could, I wouldn’t have to see her in the first place.
Therapy is rubbish.
I know I’m contradicting myself. There’s no need to remind me.
Fuck you! Fuck it all!
Harry
X
Draco,
Have you ever gone see a therapist? I guess you had, or else you wouldn’t have told me to go see one. By the way, thanks for the recommendation. I do need it.
Sorry for getting mad at you the last time. I was just… disappointed that things weren't going my way. I was having therapy, and it was the first time my head had felt somewhat clear after the War. It felt good, so I thought it was the solution to every problem in my life. I think I put too much expectation on it. I expected Sarah to save me, to fix everything that is wrong with me. I expected her to magick all my pain away.
Of course it isn’t that simple. I was just a lazy fool who expected others to do everything for him. Somewhere in my head, I know I have to put in effort too. But I’m tired. I don’t want to have to try anymore.
Hey, you said you would miss me in your letters. Will you be happy if I go see you now? Or did you only say that because you thought you would never have to see my face again? I hope it’s not the latter. It’s you so it’s probably the latter though.
Fuck you,
Harry
X
Draco,
I talked to Sarah the other day. She said it could only be better if I tried. And even if I tried, she still couldn’t be 100% sure it would all be fine. But she said she trusted that if I worked hard, things could get better.
I don’t know if I trust her. I want to trust her.
Right now, I’m not fine. But I hope I can one day.
Do you think it could be better? I hope you do. I don’t know why but I need you to trust me. Maybe it’s something like, if even you—someone who hates me, think that it’s possible, it will be possible.
For now, guess I will try not to avoid my friends. Yeah, it’s “try”. I’m not sure if I could.
Stop laughing, arsehole.
Fuck you,
Harry
P/s: Do you hate me? I know you hated me, but I don’t know if you still hate me. I don’t know if I still hate you.
X
Draco,
Guess who it is? Your Harry!
Long time no see! I don’t care if you’re crying in hell, but I’m having the time of my life now! We had a party to celebrate Ron getting a promotion, and there was lots of alcohol! Everyone was singing and laughing. Also, Ron has just proposed to Hermione. Their wedding will be held next summer.
And here I am, jobless and single! What a celebrity, right? Can you believe that Witch Weekly called me The Most Eligible Bachelor? No one wants me yet they call me ‘the most eligible’ ! What a joke.
Are you happy? Are you laughing in my face right now? I bet you are. You have always enjoyed my misery.
Fuck you to hell!
It’s not like you’re any better than me. You died single, didn’t you? There wasn't even a single person at your funeral. The Ministry didn’t even allow you to have a grave of your own. You’re not even worth a tombstone.
You hear me? You are worthless! You’re nothing ! No one cared about you! The wizarding world has already forgotten you. You are only rubbish on the side of the road. You are no better than me!
Fuck you!
Harry
X
Draco,
Sorry about the last letter. I need to stop drinking so much. And lamenting to you about my life, too.
Also, what I said about you was a lie. Well, mostly.
No one was at your funeral because there was no funeral. The Ministry forbade Death Eaters from having a funeral. I heard Parkinson went to the Ministry to demand they let her hold a funeral for you. She almost got into trouble for causing a commotion, but Zabini pulled her out before the Aurors decided to arrest her. You must be surprised, but yeah, Zabini came back. He returned to see you one last time. Bad luck for him, they already threw your corpse in a mass grave. Neville said Parkinson and Zabini built a secret grave for you though. Neville knows because he helped them hide it. It seems Neville stumbled upon them when they were crying over your grave outside of the Ministry building, so he wanted to help them. Neville is the Snake Slaughtering Hero, so people don’t dare to question him without evidence.
I have never seen your grave, whether it’s the mass one or the secret one. I don’t think I would ever.
You said you would haunt me (or at least I think so. There wasn’t much left of your letters when I decided to read them). I don’t see any ghosts following me, but I bet you are. Why else couldn’t I let you behind?
Fuck you,
Harry
P/s: I heard that dogs can see ghosts. Crups are similar to dogs so they must be able to see ghosts too, right? Watch it, Jamie will tell me if you try to do something funny.
X
Malfoy,
Jamie died last night. Turns out the reason he was abandoned was because he had an incurable genetic disease. We tried to treat him but he didn’t survive. He wasn't even two years old.
Did you do it? Did you kill him? I said the other day that he could see you and now he’s gone. You did it, didn’t you? You’re a heartless, cruel monster after all. You tried to kill humans, why can’t you kill a crup?
Go to hell! Go to hell! Go to hell! Go to hell! Go to hell!
Fuck you!
X
Draco,
About Jamie, I know it wasn’t your fault. I just wanted to vent my anger on someone.
Still, fuck you.
Harry
X
Draco,
Long time no see. I’m better now. No thanks to you.
Sarah says I’m doing great. I think so too. It’s difficult to get over Jamie’s death and all the other stuff (I know I don’t have a very broad vocabulary, so shut up), but I’m trying. It doesn't feel as hard to face people anymore.
I still miss Jamie. The house is so empty without him. There’s no one to help me tear fan mail anymore. Some days, I would grab the leash to take him out for a walk and then remember that Jamie was gone.
I probably shouldn’t have named him Jamie. I mean, my Dad died young.
Before I named him Jamie, I wanted to name him Draco. I thought I could have a laugh at your irritated face for having a crup named after you. Good thing I didn’t. Or he might have died even sooner.
If I ever have a child or a pet, I will never name them after a dead person again.
Why haven’t you laughed at me yet? I’m being a sentimental fool here!
Oh, yes, I forgot. You’re dead.
Fuck you.
Harry
X
Draco,
The weather is quite good today. It’s sunny with some winds. It’s going to be June soon. Your birthday is in June, isn’t it?
Don’t ask me why I know. I don’t know why either. Must have heard it somewhere, and, just like your annoying self, it stuck.
I don’t know the exact day though, so maybe I should just wish you an early happy birthday now. Better than wishing you happy birthday later just to find out that it was already over.
You must be surprised that I want to wish you a happy birthday. To be fair, I didn’t think of it when I started writing this letter. It just popped into my head. Also, I ran out of topics that weren't me ranting about my life and I don’t want to appear pathetic.
Stop laughing.
How many years has it been since the last time we saw each other? Three? Or maybe more? I can’t remember anymore. The end of the War is a blur to me.
I miss you. I don’t want to, but I do. Weird, right?
I’m still furious with you for sending me those letters. You should have kept them for yourself. You shouldn’t have written anything in the first place.
Now we are stuck together. Great.
Fuck you,
Harry
P/s: For the record, I didn’t plan on getting mad at you. It just happens. It’s always like that with you. Things I don’t plan to do always happen before I notice.
X
Draco,
Sarah told me we don’t need to forget the past to leave it behind.
I think I will need to forget you to leave you behind though.
Guess even Sarah can’t be right about everything.
I hate you for it, you know?
Fuck you,
Harry
X
Draco,
How are you doing? I’m mostly well now. Forgive me for not writing to you sooner. Things have been hectic these last few years, but I’m adjusting all right.
I'm dating someone now. He's kind, smart, handsome, and doesn't mind that I'm Harry Potter. And he loves me. He's perfect. But I don't think our relationship will last long, and that will be your fault.
He knows I write you letters now and then. He thinks you're my ex, you know? Funny, right? 'Cause I don't even know if you ever liked me.
I hope you did
So my writing to you drives him crazy. He wants me to stop writing to you. Understandable. I would want him to stop too if I were him.
But you know what? I don't think I can. It's been years since I wrote the first letter, and it has become a habit. A habit I can't get rid of even if I tried. You must know it already, seeing that I'm writing this letter right now.
Merlin, how the hell are you dead and yet still cause trouble for me?
Don't be cocky. It's just that I need to talk to someone sometimes, and no one can keep secrets better than you.
No one can keep secrets better than the dead
Your Occlumency skills were so good that even Voldemort was fooled after all. I don’t know how you did it, I tried to learn Occlumency once but couldn’t. I blamed Snape’s incompetent teaching, but I don’t imagine Bellatrix was a better teacher. Is being good at Occlumency a Slytherin trait?
I wish I could get that trait. How the hell did I get Parseltongue and not Occlumency? That’s so unfair. I barely ever need Parseltongue, while Occlumency is always useful. You lucky bastard.
Fuck you,
Harry
X
Draco,
Remember I said I would never go see your grave? Well, I did today.
To be exact, I went to the secret one. It took me tons of time and effort to get to see it, you know?
Neville wouldn’t tell me where it is because apparently, it’s Parkinson and Zabini who built it, so he couldn’t tell me without their permission. I can’t believe he put them above me, that traitor. Well, I suppose it can’t be helped when he’s married to Parkinson and best friends with Zabini now. Who would have thought, right? But I guess sharing a secret has a way to connect people. After all, I’m writing to you now because of some letters written decades ago.
It wasn't easy to persuade Parkinson and Zabini, but somehow I succeeded. I don’t know if a part of the reason they allowed me to see your grave was that they wanted to see me get hurt.
Because it did hurt.
I didn’t know what I would feel when I saw your grave. Something bad, probably. I didn’t know it would hurt that much.
It’s all your fault. Why are you still tormenting me when you’re nine feet underground?
I hate you.
Fuck you,
Harry
X
Draco,
When I said I hate you, I lied. It doesn’t mean I’m not still angry with you though.
Draco, why did you say you're mine? What did you mean by ‘Eternally Yours’? Did you only write it to mock me, or did you have feelings for me? Did you truly mean it?
Because I think I'm starting to understand what it means to belong to someone.
I don't think I love you. At least, not romantically. But I also can't seem to leave you alone, even though you're dead. Especially when you're dead (I still think it's your fault). Is it weird to become attached to someone only after they are dead?
I blame you for it.
Hey, do you believe in the next life? I don't, but if it exists, I have a feeling we will meet again. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it. So this is not a goodbye. Or rather, if I'm unlucky, this is not a goodbye, and I rarely ever get lucky (no puns intended, you twat).
See you later, Draco.
Yours,
Harry