Chapter Text
Day 1
This is stupid.
Well, hello, aren’t you a charmer?
Don’t tell me I got a nerd who actually gives a shit about this project?
Don’t tell me I got a jackass who probably won’t get into a university because he thinks giving teachers shit is cool?
I def got a nerd. When I could have had a hot chick.
What makes you think I’m not a hot chick?
You are a dude. You stink like a dude.
No, actually I’m a girl. Stick your prejudices in your ass.
Don’t believe you. I have very good proof that you are actually a skinny and pale twink.
It doesn’t matter for our project, does it?
It actually does. You would know that if you bothered to read the papers. Apparently you are an incompetent nerd.
Whatever. Shall we start? Early start, early finish.
This is what I like to hear! Please go on.
Good. We don’t need to make this hard for each other right? You start with your questions.
I’d actually like to make this harder for you. It may have escaped your notice but we don’t have the chemistry darling.
I may have noticed.
GOOOOOOOD.
Question one: How long have you been living in Barcelona?
All my life.
That would be how many years?
Seventeen.
Loser. I’m eighteen.
I’m feeling very ashamed of myself now. My parents should have fucked sooner.
Don’t worry, I’ll get you your drinks. If you are really a hot chick.
Am not. Not sorry to disappoint you but your guesses were on point. You just have to add awkward to that list.
At least I know I’m very smart now. It’s a very special trait to know people’s appearance after texting two sentences to each other.
Done?
Yeah, I feel great. I am great.
Another question please.
Hmm. Do you have siblings, and if you do, their genders?
Two brothers and a sister. Rodrigo, Matías, María Sol.
I bet they are better looking than you.
They are. You are really a psychic. Three please.
Do you have your own room in your house?
Is this a real question?
Yes. I don’t really wonder anything about you so you can be assured I won’t ask anything that isn’t written on this paper.
I share with my younger brother. And why are you being an asshole to me?
Be an asshole back. I don’t care but I won’t change my personality to please some loser from fucking Barcelona.
I feel like ‘fucking Barcelona’ part has something to do with the treble? Don’t you worry, maybe one day you’ll achieve it too.
I’m not even going to answer to this pathetic question.
You already did but hey, who is counting, right?
I hope we never meet each other in real life.
Agreed. That will only end in disaster because you know, you are a pig.
Now that you agree, I might change my mind. Anyways, question 3. What’s the thing you like most about Barcelona?
The spirit when Barca has a match.
I almost thought you were going to say “many places to study my ass off”.
Question 4. What do you hate most about your city?
Leaving it for holidays.
Fuck off.
Don’t stop on my behalf. I liked the earlier pace.
But do wish me to go harder?
QUESTION 5 DUMBSHIT.
Fine, fine. You don’t react well to joking. I’m not surprised.
What makes you think that it’s okay to make sex jokes to someone you don’t know?
I know four things about you, while you know nothing. Which gives me permission to crack some jokes. But of course I don’t expect you to reach my level of brilliance.
I am very disturbed and I feel very sorry for your parents and teachers.
They think I’m perfect, thank you very much.
I doubt that. Now would you please go on?
Tell me to go faster or we will be here for a veeeeeeeeery long time.
Are you fucking serious? This is sexual assault.
Is it? Is it really?
I hope you drown in your sleep today.
Is that a threat?
Yes.
Challenge accepted.
God help me. Please go faster.
My friend!! Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Of course I will be faster when I’m asking you questions! Question 5: What’s your favourite outdoor activity?
Football.
(Logged off.)
***
Day 2
We were the last ones to finish yesterday and I have football in half an hour. Please show some understanding and don’t prolong this.
Then ask your questions.
Oh. Well. Okay. Do you like reading?
Sometimes. I like fantasy and sci-fi but I don’t read classics or biography.
Cool. How often do you go to cinema?
I go if my friends ask me to. Other than that, I prefer to watch movies at home.
Do you have pets?
No.
Wow, we are really going fast.
And you are slowing us.
Okay, fine. Do you have someone you can call your best friend?
No.
Are you lonely?
Never.
I didn’t ask if you have people around you all the time. I asked you if you felt lonely when you have them around you.
And I answered your question. You don’t actually think just because you don’t have friends, no one has either, do you?
I have friends, asshole. (Message failed.)
(Logged off.)
Day 3
Wake up asshole.
Good to see you are back to your rude self. I thought you were actually sad yesterday.
Cvjabcjwbvjvcfjd me??? Sad? Dear boy, I have to give you credit, you made me laugh out loud. I had a date. You were not the only one who had to hurry up.
Don’t believe you. You were probably moping around somewhere because you couldn’t get your way about something silly.
Dude, trust me, I got everything I wanted yesterday. And it was gooooood.
I doubt it was as good to your partner if your personality is anything to go by.
She screamed. But I won’t go into details and spare your virgin ears.
I bet I had more sex than you in my life.
Really? I doubt that is possible.
I had a steady relationship for three years. We had been having sex at least three times a week. Can you top that playboy?
I see you are online. Come and play with me. I won’t make fun of you.
Hey, did you leave me to find someone to fuck?
You are still waiting. You have been waiting for twenty minutes. And you were right my dear, some hot blonde jerked me off. I’m not even bragging.
Still not close to me. Besides it’s not like I have anywhere else to go. We have our laptops in our classes. But I guess you have laptops only in your ‘laptop rooms’.
I’m just going to ask my questions dude. Who’s your favourite singer?
Neil Young.
Who the fuck is that? Anyways, who was your idol growing up?
Ronaldinho.
You are so fucking predictable. He is basically everyone’s idol. But since you are a basic bitch, I find it normal.
Do you really have friends?
I know it comes as a surprise that anyone could resist my beauty and think me only as a friend.
Just ask your freaking question.
Your biggest insecurity?
Uh, my appearance?
How offended you were by my earlier insults?
Why, are you going to apologise?
No, I’m just going to use it as a weapon. Who do you think I am, a decent person?
You are a douche.
Thank you. Do you like cats or dogs?
Both but dogs are better.
I’m ashamed but we have something in common. I have to hide this real well.
This makes two of us. We should be careful, or we might enjoy these conversations one day.
Let’s not exaggerate. I’m a cool person.
No, you are a douche with daddy issues.
Can I call you daddy?
Only if you are a good girl.
This is creepy.
You started it. And ask your damn question!
Oh! So! You! Are! Using! Exclamation! Marks! Now! What’s! Your! Favourite! Drink!
Tequila.
Do you want me to write it down? Since you are not legal you know.
Then it is warm milk with honey.
Suits you better. Do you bite your nails?
Only when I’m nervous.
We’re done. See you later bitch.
(Logged off.)
Day 4
I was warned that I was supposed to learn your name first.
Cristiano the Beast.
I knew you were actually ugly.
I’m anything but ugly.
Well, I’m going to see you in a month. I’ll be the judge of that.
I don’t suppose you would last a minute in my presence. Too much hotness you had never experienced? So what is your name?
Lionel.
You are really a dude.
I am deeply sorry.
It’s okay, if you know how to suck a cock.
I’d get gangbanged before I sucked you.
Whoa whoa whoa. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. That could be arranged if that is what gets you off.
Shut up. Your proudest moment?
When I was nine or ten, my mom left me and my sister alone in home because she had to take my dad to hospital. And we did our best to make sure home was clean, homework was done and things like that you know. She literally cried out of happiness there and I don’t know, nothing has been as good since then.
To be honest I’m impressed by your answer. I expected something like nailing the school’s hottest chick.
That would be my second biggest achievement.
Congratulations. How would you describe yourself in three words?
Hot, charming, handsome.
Please be serious or I’m going to write asshole, bully, shitty.
Can’t have that. Ambitious, attractive, friendly.
This is the best I’ll get I believe, so I won’t ask for a more objective answer. How would you describe Madrid in three words?
Alive, home, belonging.
No scratch alive, write lots of hot girls.
That’s four words.
Nerd.
Do you want to start a family?
I already have one and I have no intention of starting another. And I don’t think my opinion will easily change. Maybe if I have to bless the world with my genes.
You are unbelievable. Are you in a relationship now?
Nope. I’m just letting the ladies have a piece of me.
Cristiano my dear, I hope you have a horrible day.
(Logged off.)
Day 5
It pains me to say this but you were right. This project is plain stupid.
Took you long enough to see it. But we will have to be happy that quarter of this torture is almost over.
Two days without talking to you. Sounds like heaven.
I knew you had nothing to look forward to.
I’m sure what you are looking forward to is some pool party. Lame.
How the fuck did you know that?
A friend told me you guys were going to have it at someone’s house. Sergio was it? I’m also told he is a git.
He is one of my best friends. And well he is damn rich so it’s his house.
I’m not surprised he is your friend.
Do you guys really gossip about us? I knew you were losers but this is too much.
No we don’t. I especially, don’t have any particular information to give. You are boring.
I’m not offended. I’d rather be boring in your eyes than us having similar tastes in fun. So Leo, do you have a best friend?
Yes. And don’t call me that.
I’d rather not call you anything but we can’t have everything we want. Even me. What’s his name?
Her. Antonella.
Lololololol do you have female friends? Good for you. Anyways. Do you have tattoos or piercings?
I have both.
Illegal. I don’t approve.
What’s your favourite vacation?
I think I’d rather go to a quiet mountain house these days. Where it’s cool and I don’t sweat.
I see, you don’t want to be seen with a swimsuit on. Clubbing or candle night dinner?
Clubbing. And don’t made assholish comments. I don’t like romantic shit.
When have I ever? If money were no object, what would you do all day?
Probably get some massage, then sleep.
Do you really blame me when I say you are boring?
Honestly no, you are kinda right. Good thing I like people who are like me, I couldn’t bear getting out everyday.
What’s the most daring thing you have done?
I ran away from home. Literally. They found me a week later.
Hey.
That’s six questions,
Find out which one wasn’t necessary Leo.
(Logged off.)