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Rebecca says goodbye to her husband and kids. She'll miss her kids, but she knows that John will take care of them. She kisses Sarah, who's a bit more clingy, stroking the long hair that's as dark as her father's. Then she does the same with Ben, whose hair is much lighter. Like his father's was when he was young.
On her flight to Canada she's feeling guilty, but it's as if a weight lifted off her chest. John was always the one who'd wanted kids. And even though she loves her kids and even though John is their primary caretaker, she feels like they are constraining her.
She goes to work in Canada, feeling light and free, and that evening she gives Rodney a look and that's all she needs to do. It's wonderful and passionate as always. Rodney rolls away and falls asleep. He'll expect her to be gone by morning.
She won't challenge him on it. She knows exactly that this is nothing more than convenient sex for Rodney. It's probably the same for her even if it feels like more sometimes. In the dark of night it sometimes feels like love, but there's no use in asking for what she cannot have. Besides, she half suspects that she's only feeling this way because she associates Rodney with freedom and passion, two things that haven't been part of her marriage for a long time.
The night is cold but clear, and Rebecca decides to walk the way back home to her apartment. Nobody's there waiting for her to come home. She smiles. It's the last thing she does as the car hits her out of nowhere.
~~~~~***~~~~~
Rodney got a strange feeling when he entered the lab the next day, but he didn't pay attention until he had his first coffee. It was only after getting his first hit of caffeine that he noticed how quiet everyone was. He looked around at the serious, even sad, faces, until Glenda stepped forward. "Becky was hit by a car last night. She...she didn't make it."
Rodney tried to comprehend what she was saying. He'd had sex with Becky less than twelve hours ago. He couldn't remember her leaving but her things had been gone as they always were by next morning. "She's dead?" he asked, even though Glenda's words were pretty unambiguous.
"Yes," Glenda confirmed.
Rodney didn't know what to say. He still couldn't grasp that the lively person who'd joke in the labs and moan and shout out her passion in bed with him would just be gone.
"Her husband has arranged for her body to be flown back for the funeral," Glenda continued. Rodney's eyes widened. This was the first time he heard of a husband. "I know," Glenda said. "She had two little kids. This must be horrible for them."
Rodney's mind was reeling. Husband. Two little kids. Becky had been with the company for a decade. She'd spent half of her time in their Vancouver offices for five years. And they'd been having sex pretty much from the start.
It wasn't that he felt betrayed. Neither of them had ever made a move to take their relationship beyond the sexual. He was simply surprised that Becky led a double life like this. He had no idea why she would have done it. And he realized how little he knew about her. She'd always seemed like a free spirit to him, dedicating her life to science, not unlike he did. It was hard to wrap his head around that.
Whatever the reasons were, he'd likely never find out.
~~
The sky was gray, but it wasn't raining. Rodney walked towards the grave but kept his distance from the people attending the funeral. He'd wanted to pay his respects, but he didn't particularly want to interact with Becky's family. She'd never mentioned her parents, but then, it didn't have to mean they weren't alive.
Rodney spotted what had to be Becky's husband standing in the first row. He was carrying a little kid. A slightly older girl was standing next to him. The man spotted him, and Rodney felt slightly awkward and eventually nodded in acknowledgement. The man looked back at the grave, but then turned to Rodney again, staring.
Rodney felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny. Did Becky's husband know about her affair with Rodney? They'd never disclosed to anyone that they saw each other outside of the labs. At least he hadn't. And Becky had proven to be a masterful liar, so he couldn't imagine why her husband would know about it. Unless Becky had told him. For all Rodney knew they had an open relationship. Even if her husband knew and allowed her to be sexually intimate with others, it didn't necessarily mean he'd want them at her funeral.
Sensing that he wasn't seen as just the co-worker that he'd intended to present himself as, Rodney decided to leave. He could come back the next day and say goodbye to Becky. He turned and walked away when he heard something behind him.
Turning back, Rodney saw the husband approaching him, still carrying the toddler. Rodney braced himself for being shouted at and insulted. He'd done nothing wrong but he was willing to cut Becky's husband some slack after what he'd been going through.
The man came to a stop in front of Rodney and stared at him.
Rodney started twitching and was about to ask what the man wanted when he twisted so that Rodney could see the little boy in his arms.
"This is Becky's son, Ben," the man introduced the little boy.
Rodney was confused but turned to the little boy who now looked at him with big blue eyes and a slightly slanted mouth. His hair was much lighter than that of Becky's husband or the little girl who still stood with the group. The little boy was two, maybe three years old. Rodney vaguely recalled that Becky's usual schedule that year had been slightly off and that she'd looked a bit curvier. He'd never asked and assumed that she'd had to spent more time on her latest project back in the US, eating a bit unhealthier and working out less.
After learning of her husband and children, he hadn't thought it was possible that she'd kept more secrets, but apparently he'd been wrong.
"Can you come over tonight at nine?" Becky's husband asked. "I think we should talk."
He didn't sound threatening, and Rodney nodded. He took the card that Becky's husband fished out of his pocket and handed him before returning to the group.
Rodney glanced at the card. John Sheppard. He wondered if Sheppard was his son's name too.
~~
Rodney still hadn't processed that he apparently had a son when he showed up at Sheppard's—and presumably Becky's and the kids'—house later that night.
Sheppard opened the door and let him in. They stood in silence for a moment.
"I didn't properly introduce myself. John Sheppard," Sheppard said, holding out his hand.
"Rodney McKay," Rodney said, taking it.
Sheppard didn't give any sign of recognizing the name. After taking care of his coat, Sheppard led Rodney into what looked like a study or reading room. He pointed at the sofa, and Rodney took a seat. After a moment Sheppard sat down in the armchair next to the sofa.
"I, uh, I believe there's no way to talk about this in a way that's not inappropriate for strangers, so why not acknowledge that right off the bat to get it out of the way," Sheppard said.
"That seems very reasonable," Rodney said. "I'm very sorry for your loss," he added, because it occurred to him that he hadn't offered his condolences other than by signing the card their lab had sent.
"And I'm sorry for yours, I suppose," Sheppard said, slight hesitation in his voice.
"I," Rodney began, but even despite their acknowledgement at how awkward this was, he didn't quite know how to continue. He'd respected Becky as a colleague and it was certainly a loss, though in no way comparable to that of a husband. That he'd slept with Becky didn't change that.
"I'm not upset that she had a relationship with you," Sheppard saved him. "Actually, I'm glad that she found someone to fulfill her needs. I wasn't certain if...we never really discussed the decline of our sex life. She never confronted me about it, so I thought...it doesn't matter. I don't blame her—for anything she did."
"Not even if Ben is..." Rodney asked, not able to put it into words.
"Your biological child?" Sheppard asked.
Biological, because Ben was still Sheppard's son. It occurred to Rodney that the boy must have spent half his life without his mother, though Becky had made occasional trips to the US when she was working at the Vancouver labs. "Yes," Rodney said.
"I'm not sure what it would have changed, had she told me the truth. Except maybe to involve you," Sheppard said.
Rodney didn't know what to say to that. "She never mentioned you or the kids," he said.
Sheppard seemed surprised by that, but composed himself quickly. "Work was her life," he mused.
"Yes," Rodney could only agree. "I just...I don't understand why she married. No offense."
"None taken," Sheppard said. "It's a valid question considering the circumstances. She told me that work was going to be the most important part of her life and that she wouldn't want to give up her career to take care of children. I think she expected me to either not want children or to take that as a reason to end it."
"But you didn't," Rodney said. During her stays in Vancouver she obviously couldn't take care of two young children in a different country, so Sheppard must have taken over that part—or hired someone to do it. The house was certainly large enough to indicate that they could afford a nanny.
"I've always wanted children. It was—and is—no burden to me to be a stay-at-home dad," Sheppard said.
Rodney believed him. Though he still felt it strange, to say the least, that Sheppard seemed so unaffected by the fact that his wife had cheated on him—and it was hard to read consent into it if they'd never discussed it—and that he was raising another man's child. "Was that the—and forgive me for being blunt, but I just want to understand your relationship—was that the only thing you wanted from her? Children?"
Sheppard frowned, but didn't seem ready to hit Rodney or even shout at him. "I was very fond of Rebecca," he said after a moment. Rodney shuddered inwardly. Becky had never gone by anything other than the short form of her name, and he couldn't reconcile the name Rebecca with the woman he'd known. "When we met we were both able to give each other what we needed at that time," Sheppard continued. "I will freely admit that it might have been more honest of us not to get married or to get a divorce, but I cannot for a second regret having my children. Even Ben," he added as an afterthought.
"I can't say that I understand either of your motivations, but there's nothing I can do about that, I guess," Rodney said. "I'm not quite sure how we proceed from here. I believe we should...well, Ben has a resemblance to me, especially when compared to you, but I believe we should have a paternity test done."
Sheppard's jaw clenched.
"I do not intend to take your son away from you," Rodney said immediately. Sheppard relaxed. "But I think it would be good for both of us to know. If for medical reasons alone. I have a severe citrus allergy."
"Ben doesn't," Sheppard said.
"That's good," Rodney said, relieved. "Still I believe it would be good for us—"
"Yes, we can do that," Sheppard agreed. "I don't...I don't necessarily want to keep this a secret forever. But I'm his father and I want to continue to be his father."
"I'm fine with that. Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do with a baby," Rodney admitted.
"Then we're in agreement," Sheppard said. "We can consider telling him when he's older."
Rodney nodded. "I'd like...well, I'd like to be involved in his life in some way, I think. I'd like to get to know him a bit at least if that's okay with you."
"Sure," Sheppard said. He smiled at Rodney. "I think it would be great if you spent some time with him. You're in Vancouver, though, I presume."
"Yes," Rodney said, "That's...I'll have to think about how we can arrange that. And about all of this."
"So do I," Sheppard said.
Rodney smiled at him, acknowledging that this was unexpected for both of them.
They'd need time to process this, but at least it seemed they were able to discuss things like adults and act in the best interest of their son.
~~
How to deal with his son wasn't the only thing Rodney needed to think about when he returned to Canada. Becky was supposed to be the representative of the US group, making sure that all their requirements were met and communicating with the team back home. Now that she was dead, they'd have to send someone else—or send someone to their US lab to do the development there and interact directly with the US team.
Becky's willingness to spend half her time in Vancouver had been very convenient, and it wouldn't be easy to find someone else to do it. The same could be said from those on the Canadian team, but Rodney quickly realized that taking over that job would solve not only the problems Becky's death left for their departments at work, it would also allow him to see his son as frequently as he and Sheppard felt appropriate.
He didn't have any close personal friends at home and he'd still have to communicate with his team regularly. There was his sister, but they weren't very close even if they lived in the same city, and he could return for Thanksgiving and Christmas if he wanted to.
It seemed like an obvious move to volunteer to relocate to the US for the next few months.
Rodney called his company and Sheppard to inform them of his plans, then he started to compile a list of all the things he needed to take care of. At the top of that list was finding an apartment close to their US labs. That would also put him close to his son. Becky had lived very close to work, which didn't surprise him in the least.
Rodney would probably keep his apartment in Vancouver for the time being. He wasn't sure how long exactly he'd be away, and he might want to return periodically even during his stint in the US.
The ringing of his phone interrupted Rodney. It was Sheppard. "I'm not sure if it's something you'd consider," Sheppard said after greeting Rodney, "but since you'll need a place to stay here and I've been wondering how to introduce you to Ben without...well, without making it seem weird, I thought that maybe you could stay here with us."
Rodney's eyes only widened in surprise—which Sheppard couldn't see through the phone.
"If you have other plans or don't think that's appropriate—" Sheppard began.
"No, that's...a great idea actually," Rodney said. "At least as a start."
"Right, we could see how it goes. Obviously if either one of us isn't comfortable with the situation, you could move out into your own place," Sheppard said.
"Do you have a spare room for me?" Rodney asked. The house had looked large, but he hadn't been given a tour and he didn't want to displace anyone or anything.
"You can take Rebecca's room," Sheppard said.
Becky, Rodney almost corrected him. He swallowed instead. "Okay. If that's not an issue for you."
"I think she'd want the room to be put to use," Sheppard said.
"Probably," Rodney agreed. "But if you're not—"
"I'm fine. I'll prepare the room for you. I've been sorting through her things anyway," Sheppard said. If it was hard for him, he didn't let it show in his voice.
"Great, thank you," Rodney said. "I really appreciate it. We can discuss the details of our living arrangement later."
"Yes," Sheppard agreed. "No, wait. One thing. If we're introducing you as a friend of Rebecca's who's staying with us for a while, you cannot treat Ben differently than Sarah."
Rodney assumed that Sarah was Becky's daughter. Becky's and John's. Rodney didn't really like children all that much, but given their situation, he could see that getting to know his son meant he'd also interact with his sister. "I understand."
"Okay," Sheppard said. "I'll call you when I know how long setting up your room will take. Though you'd be able to take the guest room until then."
"I'll have to finish up a few things in Vancouver before I can move. Let me know whenever you're ready. I'll do the same," Rodney said.
"Deal," Sheppard said. "Goodbye, Rodney."
"Goodbye, uh, John," Rodney said, feeling awkward using his first name. Maybe that would change once they lived together.
~~
Rodney was very busy leading up to his move to the US and even on the plane ride, he spent more time thinking about work than about his son and his son's family.
Part of it was that whenever he thought about it, he only seemed to come up with more questions rather than answers. He'd talked to Sheppard twice, but they'd mostly agreed to play it by ear and the second call had only been to arrange for Sheppard to pick him up from the airport.
Rodney didn't even know what he wanted to get out of his time living with his son. Primarily he wanted to make sure that he was in good hands. Both Ben and Sarah looked well taken care of physically, but Sheppard's relationship with Becky was a little weird in the best case and pretty fucked up in the worst. When Rodney lived with them, he'd get a first-hand impression of how Sheppard treated his kids and whether Rodney would have to interfere.
He hadn't lied when he'd said that he didn't intend to take Ben away from Sheppard. But if Sheppard turned out to be a nut job, he'd do what was necessary to ensure his son had a good start in life. And Becky's daughter for that matter.
~~
Rodney didn't see much of Ben and Sarah during his first week. They were already in bed when Rodney arrived from the airport, and during the work week, Rodney only saw them at dinner. Ben seemed to like him well enough the one time Rodney fed him, but Sarah seemed to dislike his presence, particularly that he was staying in her mother's room. Sheppard—John as he tried to remember to call him—was understanding but interfered when Sarah got insulting.
From the little that Rodney could see he was a good father.
The first real introduction to their family life came on the weekend after Rodney had arrived, when John suggested they go to the zoo—and Rodney join them. Sarah was obviously not pleased that Rodney would tag along, but she was excited enough about the zoo to let it go.
Rodney was excited about the prospect of actually interacting with his son but slightly horrified when he saw how much John packed for the simple trip. It seemed like a major operation to him, but in the end they managed to get everything in John's jeep and get to the zoo.
The kids were all wide-eyed wonder about the animals—and the playground—but it was John who surprised Rodney the most. So far Sheppard had been very withdrawn towards Rodney. He'd been polite and had made Rodney feel welcome in his home, but Rodney felt as if he still didn't know anything about what kind of person Sheppard was and what made him tick other than wanting to take care of his children.
Rodney wasn't sure what it was, but Sheppard was a lot more relaxed and personable at the zoo. Even Sarah running around didn't make him lose his cool, and he even cracked jokes about her making good lion food. Rodney seemed to be more stressed out by the whole adventure than John even though technically he wasn't doing anything but tagging along.
He did get to spend more time with Ben since he was more easily kept under control. John would take Sarah's hand and let Rodney push Ben's buggy.
After eating and bathroom breaks and more than one time that Rodney was sure Sarah was going to get herself into trouble, his admiration for John went up a few notches. John didn't just seem to have everything under control, but did it with an ease that Rodney could only admire and which re-assured him that his son couldn't be in better hands.
Of course, there were other factors, like Sheppard's view on science, religion, politics, sexuality.
After the zoo adventure, Sheppard seemed to open up to him even at home. Rodney wasn't sure if it had been a test of sorts. If it had been, he was glad that Sheppard hadn't told him beforehand because it would have made him very self-conscious. He wasn't very good with kids, and he didn't think he'd been particularly kid friendly at the zoo, but Sheppard was happy and that evening he asked Rodney to help bring the kids to bed.
Ben didn't seem fazed and Sarah only gave him a frown, but didn't say anything. Rodney took the chance and took a look at the children's books they had. He'd spotted a bible in the living room, but there didn't seem to be any creationist or otherwise indoctrinating literature for the kids. He was relieved to have dodged that bullet. Between him and Becky, their son was bound to be smart and destined to be a scientist.
Thinking about that, he couldn't imagine that Becky would have allowed her husband to bring up their kids as anti-science, no matter how distant they'd been. He really shouldn't have worried.
After bringing the kids to bed, John gave him a wide smile and asked if he liked video games.
"Depends on the game," Rodney said.
As they started playing, Rodney learned that it not only depended on the game, but also the company. Sheppard was as competitive as Rodney was, but they both had a lot of fun and by the time he went to bed, Rodney didn't know why he'd ever considered John withdrawn.
~~
Rodney still couldn't quite believe how fast everything had happened, but after a few weeks he realized that he was living as part of a family now. During the work week, he still didn't get to see much of the kids because they had to go to bed shortly after he returned, but it had been like that for Becky too and he helped bring them to bed.
They often went out with the kids on weekends, but even when they stayed in, Rodney spent time with Ben and Sarah on weekends.
He also spent a lot of time with John both on weekends and during the week.
John was still a bit of a mystery to him. He could be cool and casual, teasing Rodney and sharing a beer while they played video games. But at the same time he was very organized and disciplined in handling the housework. And when it came to certain topics, he'd clam up, raising walls around him faster than you could finish a question.
Rodney had a lot of questions. He still didn't understand what had made Becky hide the very existence of her husband and her children, and why she had volunteered to leave them half of the time—taking a lover on the side—but stayed married. He couldn't imagine that John would have kept her from seeing her kids had they divorced.
And he didn't understand why John had married Becky either. Part of him still wondered if it had been the opportunity to have kids and take care of them. John kept up with what was going on in the family business and Rodney assumed that if he didn't have kids, he'd work there full time.
John usually got tense when he talked to his father on the phone, and after taking the kids to his parents for Thanksgiving, John was so high-strung that Rodney feared he'd snap into pieces any moment.
"I don't get along very well with my sister," Rodney offered in sympathy.
John's jaw clenched. "My father has a very narrow view of what is best for me and the kids."
Rodney wasn't sure how anyone could ask for more than what John was doing for his kids.
"He wants us to move in with him," John continued. "He doesn't see any reason for us to stay here."
Rodney had never really thought about that. The house had been chosen for its closeness to the labs, so it was correct that the particular reason for staying here was gone, but it had become their home and it carried the memories of Becky, which should be reason enough, especially since John was unenthused about the idea of living with his father, to put it mildly. "Did he like Becky?" Rodney asked.
A humorless smile appeared on John's face. "Oh, he couldn't have been more ecstatic when I told him I was going to marry her."
"He didn't like her continuing to work after she had Sarah?" Rodney guessed.
"I think he would have been fine with it if we'd just hired a nanny. I guess it was easier to blame her than accepting that his son..." John trailed off, a faraway look on his face. Then he snapped out of it and looked at Rodney. "I told him we're happy where we are."
Rodney smiled at him. He was happy with John and the kids. And he didn't even want to think about leaving them behind, though work would probably take him back to Canada early in the new year. Unless he'd ask to permanently relocate. He hadn't seriously thought about that option and its implications, though.
~~
Rodney still hadn't made a decision by the time that Christmas rolled around. Patrick Sheppard had announced he'd visit them, and Rodney was curious to meet the man face to face.
John was tense but tried not to let the kids notice since they were quite happy to have Grandpa visit. Rodney didn't know what to expect exactly, but it certainly hadn't been being scrutinized by Patrick in a full head-to-toe-and-back look and the distasteful smirk. "So you are the infamous 'Rodney'."
Rodney could hear the quotes around his name. He wasn't known for his politeness, but he hadn't planned to be rude to John's father. Though after that introduction he wasn't sure why he should bother. Well, there were the kids.
Patrick was heartfelt with the kids, teasing them with a glimpse at the huge presents he'd brought. He was polite to John, but even Rodney could see the strain between them.
Dinner was a weird mix of chatting with the kids who were very excited and strange jabs towards Rodney's presence in the house and their lives.
"Did you tell him that I'm Ben's...?" Rodney asked when he helped John in the kitchen for a second. He didn't think that John would, but that was the only explanation he had for Patrick's passive-aggressive behavior.
"No, it's not that," John only said, before taking dessert out to the dinner table.
After dessert, Patrick offered to read the kids a bed-time story.
Rodney helped John with the dishes. "Your father doesn't like me."
"He really doesn't," John confirmed.
"Usually people have to get to know me a bit before starting to hate me," Rodney added.
John quirked a smile at him but didn't answer Rodney's implied question.
"Why does he hate me?" Rodney decided to ask outright.
"It's not you," John only said.
Rodney decided to give up. He knew John well enough to know when to stop asking questions.
While John took the kids to bed, Patrick returned to the living room and Rodney thought he had nothing to lose in confronting him directly.
"What is your problem with me?" he asked. "You don't even know me."
"I know more about you than I ever wanted to know," Patrick said disdainfully.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Rodney demanded.
"You didn't even wait a month to take Rebecca's place," Patrick said.
Rodney's mouth opened, but he didn't know what to say to such an absurdity. "I took your son's offer to stay here as a guest. It was never my intention to replace Ben's and Sarah's mother."
"Obviously, that wasn't what I meant," Patrick said, glaring at Rodney.
"Then what did you mean? Because I can tell you there's nothing obvious about it to me," Rodney said.
"He means Rebecca's place in our bed, if we'd still shared a bed, but that's neither here nor there, is it, Dad?" John asked, coming into the living room.
Rodney gaped. Patrick thought...he thought that Rodney and John...
"I had hoped that you'd decided to live a normal life when you got married. I shouldn't have underestimated your stubbornness," Patrick told his John.
"Like father like son, I guess," John said.
"We're not..." Rodney said, still reeling from the fact that John's father seemed to think they were lovers—and maybe had been since before Becky's death.
"You're not...?" Patrick prompted, raising an eyebrow.
"Rodney lives in Rebecca's old room," John said. "Lives and sleeps," he added.
"I took over for Becky at the lab and since it was so close, John offered me to stay here for the time," Rodney added. It wasn't the entire truth. But it was closer to the truth than what Patrick was apparently thinking.
"Good," Patrick said with a smile.
"It's neither good nor bad," John corrected him. "If Rodney were more than a friend, it would still be none of your business."
The smile slipped from Patrick's face. "You have more to think about than yourself, John," he said.
Before John could answer, Rodney stepped in. "I couldn't imagine anyone more devoted to his children than John. You certainly don't seem to be as loving and supportive as he is."
"There are things that should not be supported," Patrick thundered.
Rodney stood his ground. "You're right. But the sexual orientation of your child isn't one of them."
"Daddy? Grandpa?" Sarah's voice suddenly came from the hall.
John turned to his daughter. "Hey sweetie. Did we keep you awake?" he asked. "I'm sorry we were so loud."
"Are you fighting?" Sarah asked.
"A bit," John admitted. "Let me bring you to bed and we promise to be more quiet."
"Goodnight, Sarah. I'm sorry for waking you up," Patrick said, waving at her.
She smiled at him and let John pick her up and carry her away.
"He's a good father," Rodney said to Patrick.
"He seems to be a better father than son," Patrick said. Rodney wasn't sure if it was a concession or accusation or both.
"I assume you know where the guest room is," Rodney said.
"I do," Patrick said. "Good night." He turned and left the room without a look back.
A short while later John came back. He exhaled when he found the living room empty.
"He's gone to bed," Rodney said.
"That's good," John said. "If the kids didn't love him..."
Rodney wanted to say that it shouldn't matter, but from what he'd seen, Patrick was acting decently to his grandkids, and he could understand that John didn't want to cut off all contact the kids had with their grandfather, even if he was a homophobic asshole. "I honestly don't get how he can assume you'd do anything to hurt Ben and Sarah. Doesn't he know you at all?"
John snorted. "He thinks gay guys only think with their dicks and die young of horrible diseases."
"And instead of educating himself, he'd rather pretend that his son is straight?" Rodney asked.
"Exactly. I made it so easy for him in the last years," John said, a bitter smile on his face.
"You're not even going out with people. Does he know that your children are your life? How would you even meet a guy?" Rodney asked.
John only raised one eyebrow and gave Rodney a pointed look.
"What? Me?" Rodney asked.
"Yes, you. My father had no way of knowing you are straight," John said.
"Of course not. Especially since I'm not," Rodney said.
John's eyes widened.
"I'm bi," Rodney added.
John swallowed. "I'm not sure you should tell him."
"Look, I can understand that you don't want to just throw him out on Christmas Eve, but this is your home and you deserve respect for what you do for your children and you deserve to live your life in honesty. I won't tell him I'm bi. I don't feel I have to hide it, but it's none of his business really, and I don't want to make things more difficult for you."
"Thank you," John said.
"You deserve so much better," Rodney said. "You deserve a supportive father, and you deserve a guy in your life if that's what you want."
"I have you," John said with a small smirk, before sobering. "I know what you mean, and I appreciate it."
Rodney wanted to shake John and then hug him, but he didn't think John would react well to either, so he let it go. They still had to prepare the presents.
~~
By unspoken agreement none of them mentioned the fight for the remainder of Patrick's stay. Rodney avoided being alone with Patrick, and they stuck to general topics when they spoke.
The tension between John and Patrick was still apparent, but they held the ceasefire at least as far as Rodney could see. John took his father to the airport alone.
Rodney was glad to see him go. He hated to see John so uncomfortable, especially in his own home. He wasn't sure if he'd done the right thing in not speaking up more. Maybe if he'd encouraged John to pose an ultimatum, Patrick would eventually realize how unforgivable his behavior was. Rodney wasn't sure if a little fake holiday peace was worth it.
It suddenly occurred to him that it was maybe more. He didn't know the details of John's financial situation. He knew that his family was loaded, but he had no idea if John's—and the kids'—financial security depended on Patrick's support.
When John returned, Rodney cornered him.
"Is your father paying for this house?" Rodney asked. "Because if that's the reason that you feel that you need to be nice to him, it doesn't have to be that way. You wouldn't allow me to pay rent, but I can. I've put aside quite a bit of money and—"
"Rodney," John stopped him. "It's fine. I have a trust fund from my grandmother. And Rebecca's taken care of us."
Rodney nodded.
"But thank you," John said, smiling at him.
Rodney smiled back.
~~
Rodney didn't go back to work between Christmas and New Year. He'd soon have to make a decision on whether to return to Canada for the next half year or to stay. Patrick's presence had shown him what family was or at least should be about: love and support. He'd miss John and the kids.
He couldn't understand why Becky would have volunteered to spend time away from them. The thought of returning to his empty apartment was in no way appealing to him. He was already looking forward to being back here—where he belonged. Because that was what it felt like after only half a year: this was his home now.
Reading a story to Ben and Sarah was as much part of his life now as his work was, and he didn't want it any other way. They sat together on New Year's Eve, Ben leaning against Rodney and eventually falling asleep, while Sarah managed to stay awake and only went to bed under protest. John and Rodney put a sleeping Ben and a not yet sleeping Sarah to bed and then sat down for a moment in the living room, looking outside at the snow that had begun falling.
An incredible sense of peace and rightness came over Rodney, and he decided that there was no reason at all not to follow what his heart and mind were telling him to do.
"I want to stay," he said quietly, turning to John after a moment.
John smiled. He didn't seem surprised but very happy.
"It's not just because of Ben," Rodney went on. He loved his son, but he wanted John to know that Ben wasn't the primary reason for his decision.
John looked at Rodney, the smile softening into something that made Rodney swallow.
Then John leaned forward, and Rodney let out a surprised "Oh" before John's lips reached his.
"You didn't..." John concluded.
"I..." Rodney stammered. He didn't know what to say. He hadn't meant...well, this hadn't been on his radar at all.
"It's okay," John quickly said. "Let's just pretend that didn't happen. I'm glad you'll stay. If you still—"
"Yes," Rodney immediately said. He didn't know what to think of John's attempt to kiss him, but it certainly didn't make him reconsider.
John nodded and got up from the couch.
"John, I..." Rodney began. He felt as if he should say something but didn't know what.
"Good night, Rodney. Happy New Year," John said, smiling at him, though it had the slightest touch of bittersweetness. He left without waiting for Rodney's answer.
~~
Sleep wouldn't come to Rodney that night. When it came to people being attracted to him, he was completely clueless. It was one of the reasons that he'd appreciated Becky's direct approach. He never would have considered that John could be interested in him that way.
Even after Patrick's visit, Rodney had somehow only thought of him in terms of Ben and Sarah's father and not a man who had potentially romantic feelings. He had no idea if it was the way they'd met, that John had been a husband and father. It certainly wasn't that he couldn't see John as a man, because by any objective measure John was attractive.
It wasn't even that John wasn't his type. If they'd met under different circumstances, John could very much have been an object of Rodney's lust first and foremost.
John was a friend now, though. He was the best friend that Rodney had ever had. To think of him as more than that...was frighteningly perfect.
For a moment, Rodney contemplated what would have happened if he'd accepted the kiss. John's lips against his, slowly moving against Rodney, opening up his mouth. Rodney felt himself flush with desire.
They were already like a couple in many respects. Though John took over the bulk of the household chores, Rodney went shopping with him and also helped with the kids. They shared a life together, if not their bed. On their weekend trips with the kids, they'd occasionally been taken as a couple. Or sometimes John had teased that others might.
Suddenly Rodney wondered if all this time John had been giving him hints, flirting with him, and he simply hadn't noticed. What was he supposed to do now?
Would John believe him if Rodney told him he'd been an idiot the night before? Should he maybe try a different approach and flirt back?
Rodney fell into an uneasy slumber contemplating his future.
~~
He woke up late the next day, feeling unrested, but longing for coffee. The hall and the kids' rooms were empty as was the kitchen. Rodney got himself a cup of the coffee that had been prepared and went to look for his family, almost worried that they had disappeared now that he'd committed himself to staying with them. But then he heard noise coming from outside.
John, Sarah, and Ben were all out in the snow and judging from their red noses (and John's ears), they'd been out for quite a while. Sarah was building a pitiful little something that was probably supposed to be a snowman.
"I told her it was too warm for a snowman," John said.
"Cold," Ben said.
"Yes, it is," John agreed.
Rodney stepped back to let them in. Sarah was staying with her little pile of snow though.
"Not too long," John told her.
"I'll just finish," she said.
"I'll come looking for you," John said.
Rodney followed him to Ben's room, where they got him out of his winter clothes and put him in the crib.
John got out of his coat as well, looking out to where Sarah was still working. "I should make her come in, but first a coffee. Still something left?" he asked, pointing at Rodney's cup.
Rodney only nodded. He followed John into the kitchen, seeing John in a completely new light. He wasn't sure how he couldn't have seen John as a man before because he undoubtedly was. Rodney watched him take a big sip of coffee and then lick his lips.
John cleared his throat and raised one eyebrow.
"I know you said we should forget it happened, but I think I don't want to forget it. Actually, I'm sure I don't," Rodney said.
John looked thoughtful. "You really don't have to—"
"I don't," Rodney interrupted him. "This isn't...well, whatever you fear it might be, it isn't. I just...didn't see this coming. You surprised me last night."
"And now?" John asked.
"Now I wouldn't be surprised," Rodney said.
John still hesitated.
"So if you wanted to try again..." Rodney prompted.
John smiled. "I got that. I'm just not sure if this is a good idea. If it doesn't work out—"
"We'll stay friends," Rodney finished for him and stepped closer to John. "If you don't want to make the first step again, I can," he offered.
In the end they moved together, bringing their lips together in a deep, heartfelt kiss. They pulled away to put the cups aside, then kissed again. Rodney's hand found John's crazy hair, and John's arms wrapped around Rodney, holding him close.
It was a wonderful kiss that only strengthened what John had come to mean to him over the last months. It felt right and good and when they reluctantly pulled apart again, Rodney looked at John and saw a flush of happiness and hope that warmed his heart and took his breath away.
"I should get Sarah inside," John said, but when they turned, Sarah was already standing and staring at them. Rodney felt a moment of trepidation. Sarah had warmed considerably to Rodney after her initial distrust of him, but this didn't necessarily mean she'd be okay with this. Maybe this would bring back her feeling that Rodney was trying to replace Becky.
Thankfully, Sarah only walked to John and put her arms around him, smiling at him. Since she also smiled at Rodney, Rodney took it as a sign of approval.
He looked at John, seeing relief in his face too. He thought of Ben in his crib and what a strange path their lives had taken to end up here together.
Rodney still didn't understand what had motivated Becky to marry John, to stay with him, and let him raise Rodney's son without telling either of them. He didn't know why she'd chosen Rodney and carried his son or if it had even mattered to her if it was Rodney's or John's. He'd never know the answers to that question, but in this moment he sent a silent thank you out to Becky for making it all possible.