Chapter Text
Elliot’s heart hammered as she repeated her refrain for a third time. “I’m not ready for this.” He didn’t move when she put as much distance between them as she physically could in their current position and leaned heavily against the refrigerator. He knew she was exhausted and close to shutting down, and shutting him out, completely.
Resisting the urge to reach for her again, he stuck his hands in his pockets and eased himself backwards until he was leaning against the island. The silence between them was deafening, punctuated only by her unsteady breathing.
Come on, man. Think of something to neutralize the situation.
“Noah’s a sharp kid. I enjoyed talking to him on the ride down.”
His former partner didn’t respond verbally, but he thought he detected a tiny bit of tension easing in her shoulders.
“Said he found Connor through an ancestry site by lying about his age or something? I bet he keeps you on your toes.” He cleared his throat. “I didn’t even know he was adopted. You know, when I first saw him, I wasn't sure how old he was, and I thought…” He trailed off. “But then, we didn’t actually…I mean, we stopped before we could have…”
Olivia finally met his eyes again. “You’re worse at this than I am.”
He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just that all this time, you’ve kept him away from me. And I wondered if that was why.”
“I told you why.”
“I know, but…we still haven’t talked about it. What happened between us that night.”
“What’s there to talk about? We had a momentary lapse in judgment. We stopped ourselves in time.”
They both knew that was a lie. There was so much to talk about, and Elliot wondered if that was what she wasn’t ready to face. Everything was just so complicated between them. So much history. So much emotion. So much need. So much desire. So much guilt. Their relationship had always been a minefield.
“Let’s not get into it tonight. You’re obviously wiped out. But we have to talk about it, Liv. You know we do.”
And that’s when it happened. A single tear made its way down her cheek. She swiped it away forcefully, but the dam had already burst. One after another fell in rapid succession.
Elliot had never seen her this vulnerable, and he knew she wouldn’t want him to bear witness to it. But he worried if he left now he may never get invited back. He could force it. He could close the distance between them and put his arms around her even if she protested. But that didn’t seem right, either.
Fighting back tears of his own, he whispered, “Do you want me out of your life for good?”
She hesitated, and then said huskily, “No. Of course not.”
“I know you’re scared. I promise not to push, but we have to start somewhere. I don’t want to live another ten years without you.”
“I don’t want that, either.”
Nodding, he held out his hand. “Then I need you to meet me halfway. Do you think you can do that?”
She looked terrified, and for a moment, he thought she was going to bolt. But then, she took a small step towards him and extended her hand. He leaned forward until he could reach her fingers, entwining them with his.
“Atta girl,” he said softly, tugging her closer as he moved forward, too. “I’m sorry,” he whispered when they were nose to nose again.
“For what?” she asked.
“For everything,” he said, settling his hands on her hips to keep from overwhelming her. “I know I’m terrible at this and that my timing is always off. But I can learn. I want to learn.” He kissed her cheek gently, steering clear of her lips.
Her hands made their way tentatively up his body and to either side of his face. This time, she nuzzled his cheek before leaning away a bit. “But seriously, El. What if it doesn’t work out?”
“You can’t think that way.”
“It’s the only way I know.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Liv. We’re going to have our ups and downs. We’re going to fight. We’re going to have times we feel closer to each other and times we need space.” He took a chance and touched his lips to hers lightly, gently, before moving on to her forehead and lingering there. Letting his arms go around her waist, he pulled her even closer. “But you know what?”
“What?”
He could feel the quivery exhale that accompanied the single syllable against the hollow of his neck. “I would never give up on you. I may not be great at all of this, but I wouldn’t quit when it got hard.”
“You did last time.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
Guilt shot through him, piercing his gut. “It will never happen again. But I understand if you’re still angry. I can take it.”
“I’m not angry; I’m…”
“What?”
“I’m hurt.”
“Are you ready to talk about it?”
“No.”
“How will you ever forgive me if we don’t talk about it?”
A fresh bout of tears filled her eyes. “I don’t know.”
She started to pull away, but he tightened his grip. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out. Just don’t shut me out. Let me be here now.” He searched the brown depths of her eyes - eyes that had haunted his dreams for the past twelve years.
She opened her mouth to say something, but instead, a sob welled up from deep inside. The fear in her eyes was unmistakable. She was the strongest woman he’d ever met. She’d faced down murderers, rapists, pimps, and leaders of gangs. But right now, he knew she was terrified because it wasn’t her life on the line; she would willingly risk her life to save others. It was her heart she was afraid of risking. She’d gone her whole existence without really letting anyone in. He was the person who had gotten the closest, and Elliot knew she may only have let him get as close as she did because he was married. They both thought his marriage would be enough of a barrier between them. But it hadn’t been. Somehow, they’d still become so much more to each other than partners. And when, in a moment of grief, they finally crossed that unspoken line, Elliot had fled.
And he could tell that she wanted to do the same thing now.
“Don’t run,” he pleaded with her. “The last time we were in this position, I ran. And I will always regret it. Don’t run, Liv.”
Finally, she melted into him, her arms going tightly around his neck, chin resting on his shoulder. Her body shook as she let herself cry.
“I got you. Just let it out. I got you. You’re safe. Noah’s safe. And that’s all that really matters tonight.”
“Duarte’s not safe,” she managed between sobs.
“No. But that’s not on you. You’re not superwoman. That’s a chance we take each time we go out there. We don’t talk about it, but deep down, we all know it. We plan for it. We make sure our affairs are in order.”
“Again, you’re not great at this comfort thing.”
“Shut up. My point is that…our jobs are dangerous. That’s all the more reason to appreciate the time we do have with the people we love.”
His last word reverberated between them, leaving only silence in its wake. Elliot didn’t want to let go. He would have stood there in her kitchen all night, but she finally kissed his cheek and pulled away.
“What did you need with the sugar earlier?”
“What?”
“The sugar you asked for that started this whole mess? What did you need it for?”
“Oh. I was trying to make you some tea.”
“Tea sounds perfect.”
“It’s probably cold now.”
“We can pop it in the microwave.” Glancing over her shoulder, she asked, “Speaking of people we love, how are the kids?”
“They’re all right. That first year or so without their mom was rough, but everyone seems to be moving in the right direction now.”
“Even Eli?”
“Yeah. I think going away to college was the best thing for him.”
“And how’s Bernie?”
“She’s Bernie.”
“How are you adjusting to living alone?”
“Truthfully?”
“Well, now I’m really curious.” She took the tea from the microwave, and they stood shoulder to shoulder while he spooned sugar into both of their cups. “I thought you despised tea.”
“I’ve evolved, Benson.” That elicited a small snort. “Living alone isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was happier than I should have been to get your call earlier today. And to have Noah for company tonight.”
“Mmm. I guess it’s a good thing you have a former partner who’s willing to let you hang out at her place in the evenings.” She picked up her mug and took it to the sofa, sitting sideways with her back against the armrest.
He followed her with his own mug. Instead of sitting in one of the chairs, he lifted her feet and sat where they had previously been. Lowering her sock clad feet to his lap, he took a sip of the tea before setting it on the end table. Needing something to do with his hands, he rubbed his thumbs along the soles of her feet. “What’s with the word former? I thought we would always be partners. For better or worse.” He realized that may not have been the best thing to say considering his last act as her partner was to abandon her for ten years.
Thankfully, she just let out a throaty hum and dropped her head back. “Wow, Stabler. You’re really working it tonight, aren’t you? Drawing with my son. Making me tea. Rubbing my feet. Calling me partner.”
“I told you I care about you. I want to make your life easier. I could if you let me.”
For the first time that night, the ghost of a smile crossed her lips. “I somehow doubt you would make my life easier. You come with a lot of baggage.”
“Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black?” She ignored him, her eyes drifting closed. “I meant better.”
“What?” she asked sleepily, not opening her eyes again.
“I said easier, but what I meant was that I could make your life better.”
“Now you’re just being cocky.”
“Could we be serious for just a minute?”
She dug the foot he wasn’t massaging between his thighs.
“Hey, stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“You know what. I’m trying to give you time and space to figure out if you want to move forward as more than friends, and you’re sending me all these mixed signals.”
“Relax. I was just checking to see how cocky you really were.”
“Liv!”
“I can’t be serious anymore tonight, Elliot. I can’t. I’m tapped out.”
“I get it.”
“I do want to move forward. I just need a little time to figure out what I need it to look like. And as you pointed out, there are things we have to talk about once everything settles down.”
“And in the meantime? Will you even answer if I call? Or will it be radio silence again?”
“I guess you’ll just have to call and find out.”
“Please don’t play hard to get. I feel like we’ve wasted enough years.”
“I’m not playing hard to get. But for the record, I don’t think I ever want to get married.”
He had no idea where that had come from or how to respond to it. “I don’t recall asking you to.”
“See, I’m telling you what I want, and you’re already getting defensive.”
“You’re not telling me what you want. You’re telling me what you don’t want.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want you using Noah as a shield because you’re afraid of getting hurt again.”
“That was not what I was doing!”
“Right.” He resumed the foot massage, and she reached behind her to turn off the lamp, wincing a little in pain. “What’s wrong?”
“Back and ribs still hurt a little.”
“Want me to rub those, too?”
“Mmm. Maybe next time.”
“Yeah?”
“Maybe.”
“Hey, what do you have against marriage?”
She sighed. “Let’s talk about it later.”
“Are you under the impression that we’re immortal? Because if you keep saying we’ll talk about it later, we’ll be talking from the other side of the grave.”
“I don’t know. There are worse people to hang out with in the afterlife than you.”
“Forget it.”
“Don’t get mad,” she murmured.
“I’m not mad,” he told her softly, watching as she relaxed sleepily. “I guess I should let you get to bed.”
“I’m fine right here for now.”
“You’re sure?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
___________________
Noah woke up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. The water bottle beside his bed was empty, and he needed to pee. Finishing up in the bathroom, he washed his hands and then crept to the doorway of his mother’s bedroom. He wasn’t going to get in bed with her or anything. He was way too big for that now. He just wanted to see her for a minute.
But when he got close to the bed, he realized it was empty. The shape he’d thought was her turned out to be the pile of work clothes she’d discarded after getting home. Nervous, he turned and ran back out. He knew she would never leave him alone. Maybe she’d gotten called out. If so, the sitter would be in the guest room. But it was as empty as his mother’s room. Peering around, he whispered, “Mom?”
The living room had been dark when he’d come out of his bedroom, but he padded back that way to check. Someone had to be there. “Mom?” he whispered a little louder. Moving towards the door, he saw her asleep on the sofa. He went around to wake her up, tell her to get in bed, when he realized she wasn’t alone. Elliot was asleep, sitting up, on the other end of the sofa, his hands wrapped around his mother’s feet.
Noah started to say something, but Elliot beat him to it. “What’s wrong, buddy?”
“Nothing.” They both spoke in whispers. “I just needed to go to the bathroom.”
“Want me to tuck you back in?”
“No. I’m not a baby. I was just checking on Mom.”
“She’s okay. Just tired.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah. Doesn’t she look okay?”
Noah studied his mother critically. “No. She looks like she got beat up and that she’s been crying all night.”
“She’s okay, Noah.”
“Did you make her cry?”
“What? No. I didn’t make her cry.”
“Mom never cries around other people.”
“I’m aware.”
“Why are you still here?”
“We were just talking, and she fell asleep. I hated to wake her up.”
“Her neck is going to hurt if she sleeps like that all night,” Noah warned him.
“So is mine,” Elliot muttered, rubbing it with his right hand. “So you’re saying I should wake her up and make her get in bed.”
“I’m awake,” his mother mumbled, rolling onto her side before sitting up next to Elliot. Noah watched them carefully. His mother put one hand over her mouth to cover a yawn and the other settled on Elliot’s thigh. “What time is it?”
“Two thirty-seven,” Noah reported.
His mother rose from the sofa slowly, stiffly. “Let’s get you back to bed.”
In his room, he put his water bottle on the bedside table and crawled back into bed. When his mom tucked the covers up and around him, he asked, “Are you dating Elliot?”
She didn’t answer right away. Instead, she reached for the lamp and switched it off. “Would it bother you if I were?”
He shrugged. “He seems okay. He asked a lot of questions about you on the ride home.”
“What kind of questions?”
“I don’t know. Just little stuff. What your favorite restaurant was. What we did together on the weekends. You know. Stuff like that. And he told me how you were the bravest person he’d ever met.”
“Mmm.”
“Oh. And he told me about his kids. How his youngest just started college but that he also has two grandkids. How wild is that?”
“Pretty wild.”
“I just want you to be happy, Mom. I don’t want you to be alone when I grow up.”
“I think we’ve got some time before we have to worry about that.”
“Six years isn’t that long.”
“Go to sleep, Noah. I don’t want to think about you moving out just yet.”
“Did he make you cry tonight?”
“Of course not. I’m meaner than him. If one of us is going to make the other cry, it would be him crying.”
Noah grinned, but then he sobered. “But you were crying. I can always tell.”
“I was just having a rough night because of work stuff.”
His mom was the toughest person he knew, but he also knew she cried in the shower a lot of nights. “Even if you’re not dating him, it’s okay if he hangs out here and stuff. I think he’s lonely since his wife died.”
“He told you about his wife?”
“Just that she died a couple of years ago. I mean, I asked him if he was married. You knew her, right? His wife?”
“Yeah. I knew her from when we were partners.”
“Elliot said you delivered their youngest son. That you were driving her to a doctor’s appointment when she went into labor.”
His mother blinked at him. “I was there, yes. I helped deliver him.”
“That’s really cool. How come I’ve never met all of them?”
“Well, we lost touch after Elliot retired the first time.”
“But he’s been back for two years.”
“Noah.”
“Mom.”
“I’m too tired for more questions tonight.”
Noah was annoyed. Every time he tried to ask her questions about Elliot, she dodged them. “Were you, like, in love with him or something? When he was married?”
“Noah!”
“What? I know adult relationships are complicated. I’m not stupid. Anna’s mom married her dad’s business partner after her parents got divorced.”
“Is he still her dad’s business partner?”
“Definitely not. Are you in love with Elliot now?”
“Good night, Noah.”
He sighed huffily. “Good night, Mother.”
___________________
Olivia came out of Noah’s room again, closing the door behind her. “You told Noah I delivered Eli?”
Elliot opened his eyes from where he was now dozing on the couch, all sprawled out. “Well, yeah.”
“Why on earth would you do that?”
“What the hell was I supposed to do? We were in the car together for over two hours. We had to talk about something. Besides, it’s not like it’s a bad thing. It’s one of my favorite stories. I love that you were the first person to hold Eli.”
“I just don’t talk about that part of my life.”
“You mean the part where I was in it?”
“Are you telling me that you do? That you did all those years? Can’t imagine I was a frequent topic at the dinner table.”
“Fair point. But the kids sometimes talked about you.”
“Elliot, I…”
“What?”
“Nothing. It’s late. You probably need to get home.”
“No one waiting for me there. I was thinking of sleeping here on the sofa until day break if it’s all right with you. I’m pretty wiped out, too.”
She hesitated. “We have a guest room if you prefer.”
“Sofa’s fine with me. Still warm from where you were.”
“I can get you a pillow and blanket.” She pulled one of each out of a small closet and held them out to him.
Taking just the pillow and putting it under his head, he quipped, “You’re not going to tuck me in, Captain?”
Olivia rolled her eyes, but she shook the blanket out and spread it over him. “Happy now?”
When she leaned over, he snagged her around the waist and pulled her down beside him. “Happier than I was yesterday. Noah asked if I made you cry.”
She smiled. “He’s a little protective.”
“It’s obvious he adores you.”
“Well, I’m all he’s ever known.”
“Don’t deflect. You’ve raised an amazing kid single handedly while working your way up the career ladder. Learn to take compliments.”
“Thank you.”
“See. That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
She placed a hand on his chest, allowing herself a moment to feel his heart beating. “Good night.”
He put his own hand over hers and trapped it there. “Good night, Captain.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“Just making sure you know that you call the shots. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.”
“Don’t oversell it. You’ve never taken orders well.”
___________________
Lying in bed, Olivia tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable. She’d had no trouble drifting off on the sofa with Elliot, but now that she was alone, all she could think about was the last time Noah had been home and she’d sat in the living room all night with her shotgun. If she were honest with herself, she was so tired of doing it all alone. Part of her wanted to just give in completely and let Elliot take over for a while. Let him protect her and Noah. Because he would do it if she asked him to. He would sleep on that sofa every night for as long as she said she needed him to, for as long as it took for her to feel confident that Noah really was safe.
He was a lot of things that weren’t necessarily good. He was hot headed. He could definitely be selfish and was always borderline obsessive. He had a tendency to forget about everyone else, including the people who depended on him, when he was deep in a case. He didn’t always play fair with emotions or words when provoked. She wasn’t one hundred percent sure she could trust him not to run away when things got hard. But she knew he cared and that he meant it when he said firmly, “You’re family.”
Olivia also knew the day was rapidly approaching when she’d have to pay the piper. She’d made him pay these past two years by keeping him at a distance. But Lindstrom was right. She either had to make the leap and see if they could be more to each other, or she would have to let go and figure out how to move on. The former was paralyzing, but the latter was unfathomable. Even the thought of actually having the conversations they needed to have before they could have a shot at a real…relationship…was overwhelming. She didn’t even know where to begin.
As it still sometimes did when she was feeling particularly low, their last night together as partners drifted through her mind. She had tried hard through the years to block it out, to obliterate it from her memory. Her biggest moral lapse. The ultimate betrayal of one woman to another. Elliot had been so shaken, so broken, so devastated. She could absolve his sin, but hers was unforgivable. She should have known better, been strong enough for both of them. Only she hadn’t. And it had wrecked both of them.
___________________
She knew it was him when he pounded on her door in the early morning hours. She had only been in bed for a brief time herself. Part of her wanted to pretend she wasn’t home. She couldn’t stand to see the self-loathing on his face, the guilt. She knew that he wouldn’t come back from this one in one piece, that things would never be the same.
Steeling herself, she answered the door. “El, it’s two in the morning.”
He held up a bottle of scotch. “Drink with me.”
“It looks like you’ve already had enough.”
“Drink with me, Liv.”
“Let me drive you home.”
“Home?” he questioned darkly. “I can’t go home. Go home and do what? See my kids tucked safely in their beds while Jenna is lying on a metal slab in a cold, dark room?”
She sighed. “Elliot. You can’t think that way.”
“Drink with me. Please.”
“Kathy must be worried sick about you. Have you called her?”
“I don’t want to talk about Kathy.” He took a swig straight from the bottle before shoving it towards her. “Drink.”
She exhaled slowly and took a small sip.
He finally noticed their surroundings. “Where is all your furniture?”
“It’s a long story.”
“You have no couch. No table and chairs.”
“It’s on backorder. I had the old stuff hauled away before I realized the new stuff wouldn’t be in on time.”
“We can just drink on your bed.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so.”
“Well, the floor will work, too. But my back won’t thank me in the morning.”
“Let me at least get some pillows and a blanket.”
He followed her through the apartment and plopped onto the side of her bed that was still made up. “See? This is fine.”
“I wish you wouldn’t get wasted here. I know you’re in pain-”
“You have no idea.”
“I’m sorry, El.”
“You know what I keep thinking? That maybe I wouldn’t have shot her if you weren’t there. Maybe I would have figured out another way. That maybe I could have just disarmed her. But see, the thing is, when you’re there, I don’t think clearly.”
“Don’t. Don’t start that again. We’re past that.”
He laughed mirthlessly. “You’re past it. I don’t think I’ll ever be.”
“Then request a transfer.”
“Maybe I will.”
“Come on, El. We’re in a good place. We’ll get through this. Take some time off. Take a vacation with Kathy and the kids. Take Eli to Disney.”
“Can I stay here tonight?”
“I don’t have a sofa for you to sleep on.”
“I’m fine here.”
Annoyed, she grabbed the small trash can from her bathroom and set it on the bedside table close to him. “Don’t puke on my carpet. And rinse your mouth. You smell like a distillery.” She put a glass of water and several Advil out for him.
Finally, she climbed back into bed and plunged the room into darkness. She could feel him brooding beside her, but at least he’d stopped drinking. He rolled onto his side away from her, and she hoped he would pass out.
Instead, the bed started to shake under the weight of his sobs. Her heart ached for him, and against her better judgment, she rolled towards him and ran her hand soothingly over his back. “Just let it out,” she told him softly. If anything, he cried harder. “Elliot, please. Tell me what to do. I’m worried about you.”
He rolled towards her and buried his face near her collar bone. “Just keep doing that.”
“What? Rubbing your back?” He nodded against her. “Okay. Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”
When he finally calmed down, he didn’t pull away. Instead, he let out a shuddery breath. “Thank you.”
“You don’t ever have to thank me. We’re partners.”
“You know it’s more than that. You mean the world to me. I hope you know that.”
“Back at you, partner. Get some sleep, okay?”
“I just feel dead inside.”
“I know.”
“I don’t think there’s any coming back from this.”
“It’s been less than eight hours. You have to take it a day at a time.”
“What if I don’t survive this?”
“You will.”
“What if my marriage doesn’t survive this?”
She knew he didn’t like to carry the weight of his work home with him but that sometimes it seeped in anyway. “El, please. You and Kathy have weathered a lot of storms. Don’t catastrophize. This will be hard, but you’ll get through it.”
“I can’t be myself with her. Not really. I can never truly let my guard down.”
“Maybe it’s time to work on that.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” He sighed heavily. “This takes me back to my time in the service.”
“Yeah? You used to curl up in bed with your fellow Marines after a rough day?”
“Definitely not.” Suddenly, attraction exploded between them. It did that more frequently these days. One minute, they were engaging in friendly banter, and the next, the air was charged. His left hand settled on her hip, and without warning, his lips pressed against her neck.
She let out a gasp as his teeth bit down on the sensitive skin where her neck met her collar bone. “Elliot, no.”
“Please. I need you. I’m not going to survive this night otherwise.”
“No one ever died from lack of sex.”
“It’s not about sex. You know that.”
“We can’t. There would be no going back.”
“I don’t think there’s any going forward, either.” His hand slipped beneath the waistband of her shorts. “I need this, Liv. I need this to hold onto. Can you get that?”
She understood it more than she would ever admit, and in the end, that’s why she let it happen. She knew it was wrong. She knew it would change things. She knew they would both struggle to live with it. She knew they would always wrestle with the guilt.
But in the end, she couldn’t tell him no. She never could. So she let him touch her. She let him kiss her. And when she couldn’t stand it anymore, she returned his touches and kisses with her own. What had been building inside her all those years broke free, and she let it all go. Her hips surged up towards his, and she almost exploded from the anticipation. It wasn’t romantic. It was primal. They clawed at each other’s clothes and bodies. His fingers weren’t gentle as they worked her to fever pitch. It mortified her that he made her come before he ever even unbuckled his pants.
Even then, in that entirely unfamiliar moment of intimacy, he could read her so well. “Don’t be embarrassed,” he whispered into her mouth. “Just touch me. Please.”
So she did. He helped her get his pants down, and she worked him with her hand.
“God, that feels good, Liv. Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.”
It occurred to her that if they finished it this way, maybe they could still claim plausible deniability. ‘Ever do your partner, detective?’
‘No. Just the occasional hand job.’ Yeah. She could see herself telling that to Tucker at IAB.
Elliot’s voice broke her reverie. “Wait. Stop.”
She froze, fighting panic and shame. She didn’t know which was worse. That he’d come to his senses just before he exploded in her hand or that she had been close to another orgasm of her own with virtually no input from him.
Trying to get her breathing under control, she rolled onto her back. She couldn’t think what to say to him. But instead of pulling away from her, he rolled on top of her and settled between her legs, pressing his forehead to hers.
“I need to be inside you. Is that okay?”
She thought she would die right there. She couldn’t draw a breath. Instead, she nodded and managed a very shaky, “Yeah.”
“Liv, look at me. I need to know you’re okay.”
She opened her eyes and met his gaze. That was all it took. Her breathing steadied, and her body settled into a more comfortable position.
“Hi,” she said throatily.
“Hi,” he whispered as he pushed into her slowly.
Her body squeezed around him involuntarily.
“Jesus Christ,” he muttered.
She tilted her hips upward just a little. He grabbed her hip to still it, kissing her instead.
“Give me a minute,” he breathed into her mouth. “I don’t want it to be over as soon as it starts, but I’m pretty worked up.”
She actually grinned. “I can feel that.”
“If I die tonight, I’ll die happy,” he said.
She blinked. “I hope that’s not your way of trying to tell me something.”
“Just that you feel good.” And with that, he started to move.
All rational thought fled as she met each of his movements with one of her own. They seemed to already know each other’s rhythm without having to think about it. They were just starting to speed up, both gasping for air, when her home phone rang.
“Don’t answer it,” he begged.
Not that she was going to. She was so close to the edge again that she couldn’t have even spoken coherently. Besides, no one called her home phone anymore except telemarketers and one of her elderly neighbors.
The machine clicked on. ‘You’ve reached Olivia Benson. Leave a message.’
And then the beep, followed by a voice that shattered their intimacy and haunted the next decade of Olivia’s life.
“Olivia? It’s Kathy. I tried your cell but didn’t get an answer. I heard about what happened at the station. I’m worried about Elliot and was hoping you knew where he was.”
They both went statue still. “Shit,” Elliot muttered. “I’m sorry, Liv. I’m so sorry.”
Her mouth was suddenly dry. She closed her eyes and pulled his forehead down to hers. “You have to go home.”
He swallowed hard and rolled off of her. “Yeah. I know.” His shoulders slumped over as he fumbled to get his pants on. While he dressed, she curled on her side away from him. He came around the bed, kissed her cheek, and said, “Hey. Look at me. This isn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.” But she never opened her eyes. He ran his hand through her hair before cupping her face. “I’ll lock up on my way out.”
And aside from the medallion he sent her several months later, she didn’t hear from him until the night that car exploded.
___________________
Sleep was still eluding Olivia when his shadow appeared in the doorway of her bedroom.
“I could hear you thinking all the way in the living room. What gives, Benson?”
“You said Noah asked you tonight if you made me cry.”
He cocked his head sideways. “Yeah. But I assured him that I didn’t…that you just had a rough day at work.” He lifted a shoulder. “I’m not above lying to a twelve year old when necessary.”
“I told him the same thing.” She rubbed her face. “This has been one of the longest days of my life.”
“I’m guessing you don’t want to talk about the longer ones right now.”
“I do not.”
“Then what can I do to help you sleep?” He swallowed hard. “I can go, Liv. Just say the word. It’s hard to get a read on what you really want or need right now.”
“Even if you left, you’d still be here. You always were. And therein lies the problem. I’ve cared about other men. I’ve loved other men.”
“Oh, that you want to talk about? You gonna tell me how much you loved Ed Tucker?” He made a face.
“Don't even start with me on Tucker. You fucked a sex trafficker after your wife died. And you shouldn’t have pumped my son for information if you weren’t ready for the truth.”
“Had to pull over after that revelation. Wasn’t sure I was safe to drive.”
“Nice.”
“What? Did you think I would take that well? Hearing that Tucker was the closest thing to a father your son had ever known?”
Anger flared within her, the first sign of fight towards him that she’d felt in a while. It was better than feeling numb and paralyzed. “Don’t start, Elliot. You have no right.”
He shrugged. “I never needed a right where you were concerned, did I? I felt it all regardless. But relax. I already knew about Tucker. That’s why I snapped at you and told you it was none of your business when you were on my case about Angela Wheatley.”
“Ah.”
“Mmm. I’m not proud of that first year or so I was back. I know I owe you more than a few apologies.”
“Yeah, I’ll hold my breath.”
“Seriously. What do you need?”
“Nothing. Sometimes I just have insomnia.”
“We have that in common, then. Can I come in? I hear misery loves company.”
“Fine. But I don’t want you to touch me.”
“I suppose you telling me what you don’t want is better than you telling me nothing.” He moved into the bedroom and looked around. “No chair. Guess I can just lean against the dresser or something.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t be an ass. You can sit on the bed.”
The corner of his mouth tilted up, and she wondered if he was as nervous as she was; if he was as confused and torn; if he was thinking the same thing she was.
“It’s not the same mattress,” she blurted out, immediately regretting it.
He blinked at her in confusion. “Huh?”
She looked away. He obviously wasn’t thinking the same thing she was. But then she remembered the reason that mattress had to be discarded, the way her entire apartment had looked after it was all over, and her stomach churned. That wasn’t a conversation she looked forward to. Maybe she would need a few shots before that one.
He settled on the bed beside her, leaning against the headboard. “Hey, you okay?”
She snapped her attention back to him. “What?”
“Where’d you go just now?” Concern laced his voice as she batted away tears.
Shaking it off, she focused on him, her eyes studying his bare chest. There was always a little light in her room because of the placement of the window, but she hated the dark now anyway.
“Do you know what Noah asked me tonight when I tucked him back in?”
“What?”
“He asked me if I knew Kathy. It’s like he was testing me because after I told him I did, he confessed that you had told him I delivered Eli. It was weird.”
“Okay.”
“He wanted to know why he’d never met all of you. And a little later in the conversation, he point blank asked if I was in love with you when you were married.”
Elliot stayed silent.
“And that’s the thing about Noah that I need you to understand. He doesn’t miss things. He sees a lot more than he lets on. He has a way of cutting through the bullshit.”
He nodded pensively. “Kathleen is the same way. An old soul.”
Olivia let out a noisy breath. “I trust you with my son’s safety. But his heart? I have to be careful. He’s been hurt before. And if things went south between us, he would hurt even more because it would hurt me. I wasn’t just using him as a shield. It’s a real concern for me as a parent.”
“I get it, Liv. But it’s kind of a catch-22. You told me earlier that you would never marry me, but I don’t know any other way to make you believe I’m in it for the long haul.”
“Wow. Okay. I don’t even know what to say to that.”
He slipped under the covers. “It’s cold in this bedroom.”
“I like to sleep with the window cracked.”
“Why? It’s thirty degrees outside.”
“I need the fresh air.”
“How is it you’re still such a mystery after almost twenty-five years?”
“You were only around for thirteen of them.”
“And getting colder in here by the moment.”
She lay there beside him in silence for a while, not touching, just trying to see what it felt like to exist together in the same space again.
He looked like he may have fallen asleep when she finally worked up the courage to roll towards him. “El?”
“Yeah?” he asked without opening his eyes.
“Did you really think there was a possibility that Noah was yours?”
He turned his head towards her. “Rationally, I knew it was incredibly unlikely given the circumstances of that night. But I’ve never been completely rational where you’re concerned, have I?”
“I would never have had your child and kept it from you. It bothers me that you think I would have.”
He rolled towards her, closing the gap between them a little more. “It was just a pipe dream.”
“You wanted me to have a child that was the result of an illicit, adulterous affair that could have ended both of our careers along with your marriage?”
“No. Of course not. But part of me wanted that connection with you.”
That she could understand. “Did Kathy ever find out? About us? About that night? I’ve wondered about it since you told me she wrote that letter.”
“That fucking letter,” he muttered. “I wish I had never given it to you.”
“Why did you?”
This time, it was his cheek that a lone tear slid down, and she had to lean closer to hear him. “Because you were doing so well without me. Because I got my wife killed. Because I didn’t think I deserved her or her forgiveness, much less you or yours. Because she asked me to give it to you, and I felt I at least owed her that. I don’t know. Again, I wasn’t exactly at my best or most rational during that time. But also, I wanted you to read that last sentence. I thought maybe someday we could figure out a way to make that parallel universe a reality.”
“Did you mean any of the rest of it? That what we had wasn’t real?”
“How can you even ask that?”
“It’s a valid question.”
“I didn’t mean a word of it.”
“Not even the part about if there was a man in my life you hoped he was the kind, faithful, and devoted man that I deserved?”
“Definitely not that part. I don’t know what I would have done if I had shown up to find you happily married to Tucker.” She almost smiled, but his next words slammed into her chest. “But I do think Kathy nailed one thing. We did get in the way of being who and where the other person needed to be.”
He seemed to realize his mistake when she bristled and leaned away again.
“Hang on,” he corrected. “Hear me out. I know there were times I needed to be home with my family, but I chose to be with you instead. That’s on me. Not you. And without me here, you thrived, Liv. You’re captain of SVU. You’re highly respected in the NYPD. You have an amazing son. You certainly never had that with me, and I don’t know if you ever would have had those things if I had stayed.”
She fought back betrayal and anger along with the bitter taste of guilt and regret. She chose not to respond to his last words. She couldn’t. Instead, she jumped back to earlier in the conversation. “You never answered my question. Did Kathy ever find out about us?”
“Kathy always worried that we were sleeping together. And she had her suspicions about that night, but no. I never told her. We never talked about it.”
Relief flooded through Olivia. She’d never completely forgive herself for that night, but it made it a little better to have some of her questions answered. “Then why did you ghost me?”
“I told you. I don’t think I could have left if I heard your voice.”
“That’s bullshit, Elliot. Tell me the truth. You owe me that much.”
He shook his head. “I can’t. I don’t want to set us back.”
“You asked me to talk. I’m trying to talk. But you have to answer the hard questions, too, or it’s pointless.”
He closed his eyes like he was reliving something painful. “Kathy made that phone call that night from the street outside your apartment building. She knew you were home. And she knew I was there with you.”
Nausea washed over her. “Oh, my God.”
“She didn’t say anything when I came out with my dress shirt still in my hand. She knew I was in a pretty bad place. She asked if I was okay to drive. I told her I was.”
“Were you?”
“I wasn’t drunk, if that’s what you’re asking. I wanted to be that night, but I wasn’t. When I got home, Kathy was waiting for me in the driveway. And she said that she just couldn’t live like that anymore. She couldn’t wait at home anymore knowing I was with you. She said she knew I loved you but that I had to decide between my family and you. But she said I needed to choose carefully because if I chose you, then you and I would likely end up resenting each other. That we were both too good of people to be able to overcome the guilt. That what we had would never be the same. And the thing about it, Liv, is that…she was right. Kathy wasn’t perfect, but she was my wife. Maybe I wasn’t ever really in love with her, but I loved her. We had five kids together. And Eli was still so young. And after what had happened between you and me that night, I knew we would never be able to go back to just being partners. Top that off with how messed up I was about Jenna, and I…I made the only decision I thought you and I could both live with. Was I a coward for never discussing it with you? Yeah. I was. But can you tell me it would have been any easier if I had talked to you again? Tried to clear the air? Kathy had me on a pretty tight leash during that time, but if I thought it would make it better, I would have figured out a way to talk to you. But I…I couldn’t. How was I supposed to say goodbye to you? But I could dig in and stay with my wife, with the mother of my kids, so I did. And I wasn’t always miserable during those years. It took a few years, but we were okay. Eventually. At least, I think we were. Hell, I don’t know anything anymore.”
“I don’t begrudge you for leaving. I know now, looking back, that it was probably the only way forward for both of us. But the way you did it? It wrecked me. It made me harder. Tougher. Even less likely to let people in.”
“I’m sorry.”
“But in the end, it served me well. It made me a better judge for knowing who to let in and how much to let them in. And I did grow professionally after you left. There’s no denying that. But there were times, Elliot…times when I needed you so badly that I didn’t think I would make it.”
“I know. Believe me. I do. But would it have really made it better in the long run? Would you really have let me back in? And if you had, would you have hated that you let yourself fall back into needing me?”
She let herself really ponder the question. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I would just have liked to know you were thinking of me. That I still mattered to you. That you cared whether I lived or died.”
“Trust me. I cared. More than anything.” He cleared his throat, not sure he should do this now but knowing it needed to be done. “When you were abducted, I was still in my dark time. I was all over the place. Working some private jobs, not always the most palatable. I was drinking a lot. I was still pretty angry towards Kathy for making me choose. I still hated myself for what I did to Jenna. What I did to you. I was a mess. By the time I found out, it was over. You were home, and you were safe. But when I found out, I went out and got a burner phone. And I called all of your old numbers. But they were all different. So I called Cragen. I asked him to tell you that I called, to give you the number, and that if you wanted me to come, I would be there.”
She blinked in disbelief. “He never told me.”
“Oh, I’m aware. He gave me an earful. Told me that if I wanted to talk to you, I could figure out for myself how to contact you. He told me that you changed your numbers for a reason. That you had finally moved on and that you had a new partner who had your back. He said he thought you would probably be glad to see me or hear from me initially but that in the long run, it would make it worse. So I…I’m ashamed of it now, but I let it go. I had to let you go. The same way you did me.”
Olivia thought about it all for the first time outside of the lens of anger, abandonment, and embarrassment, and she realized that…Cragen had probably been right. It likely would have made it worse. She wouldn’t have welcomed Elliot swooping into her life like she needed saving and then swooping back out again once he knew she was safe. She may not even have let him close. If he had called, she would have been too angry and too proud to ask him to come. The time she needed him most was when she had been in that monster’s clutches. But that’s also the time she learned she really could survive on her own. And while the abandonment issues would always be there, lingering on the edge of her subconscious, that wasn’t all on Elliot. She had her own childhood to thank for a lot of that.
And she was as much to blame as he was for letting their relationship get out of hand. She let herself fall for a married man and take up his time and his affections. He handled the immediate aftermath of their night together and partnership badly, but she handled a lot badly during those years. She let herself be codependent where he was concerned because she didn’t think she deserved or could handle a healthy relationship.
Elliot broke her reverie. “You’re scaring me. What are you thinking? You keep doing that thing where your eyes blank out. That’s new. You never used to do that before. I could always read you.”
“I just…seeing it all from an outside perspective for the first time, I think Cragen may have been right. And Kathy certainly wasn’t wrong, nor was she in the wrong. She had every right to fight for her marriage in whatever way she deemed necessary.” She cleared her throat. “And the thing about this? About us? It doesn’t matter how many years have passed. We will always just be…too complicated.”
“I know it's a lot. But take the us out of the equation. Even individually, we’re complicated and messy. I know I am. Are you going to lie there and tell me that you aren’t?”
“I know I’m complicated and messy. I don’t need you to point it out. Where are you going with this?”
“My point is that I do owe you tremendously for the hurt I caused when I left without talking to you. But assuming you can forgive me enough for that, maybe the only reason we could have a chance is that we spent those years apart…we devoted ourselves to the things we should have back when we were being just a little too devoted to each other.”
“I don’t disagree with that statement. But still. It’s very…complicated.”
“Yeah. I’m aware. But neither of us will ever be truly happy or fulfilled with someone…simple. I mean, I think we both tried that over the past ten years, too, didn’t we?”
“You may have, but I certainly never tried simple.”
“Fine. You’ve apparently bedded a plethora of complicated men. But I don’t see any of them here now.”
“I haven’t slept with a plethora of men.”
“Hey, you’re the one who wouldn’t say how many.”
“You really do have a lot of nerve.”
“No. I just know what I want, and now that it’s finally a real option on my end, I’m not spending the rest of my life without you. If you say we have to be platonic forever, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?”
“I don’t know. I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to that.”
She glanced over at the clock. “It’s five am. We literally talked all night.”
He yawned. “And look at that. You didn’t fly apart into a million pieces.”
“Screw you.”
“I would love it if you did that.”
“What time do you have to be at work?”
“I don’t even know. Probably around nine. Nothing big ever happens at OC before nine. What about you?”
“I’m not going in today. I don’t have to meet with 1PP again until tomorrow. Fin can hold down the fort.”
“Want to nap with me? Please say yes.”
Her eyelids were so heavy. She kicked him a little. “I don’t think so. You need to get back on the couch before my kid gets up.”
“You’re no fun. Come on. I’m still cold. Just warm me up. Platonically.”
She had to admit that her nose was pretty cold. “You can close the window on your way out.”
Instead, he snuggled closer to her and wrapped one leg over the top of hers. “See? Sharing body heat is a good thing.”
She buried her nose in his chest, which wasn’t the slightest bit cold. “Shut up.”
___________________
At eight am, Amanda knocked lightly on Olivia’s door. Noah’s voice came through the speaker from the doorbell cam and said, “Please tell me those are donuts!”
She laughed. “Of course they’re donuts. Let me in, goofball.” He flung the door open and gave her a hug before snagging the box of donuts. “I missed you, kid. It’s good to have you home. Where’s your mom?”
“I think she’s still sleeping. I literally just got up.”
“Did you sleep on the sofa?”
“No. Mom fell asleep there last night at some point.”
The blonde wandered over and picked up a shirt and an object from the end table. “Whose phone?”
Noah already had a mouthful of donut. “I guess it’s Elliot’s. He drove me home yesterday.”
“Yeah. I heard.” Amanda glanced at the large shoes near the front door. “Hey, grab a glass of milk. I’ll see if your mom is waking up yet.”
She got to the doorway just in time to hear a man’s voice say, “Liv, I think Noah’s up already. What should I do?”
“Fix him breakfast.”
“I meant about getting out of here without him seeing me.”
“He’s not an idiot, Elliot. He’s probably already seen your blanket and pillow. Just put your shirt on. If he asks, tell him you slept on the sofa. And help him get some cereal. I just need another few minutes.”
“Why are you so cranky?”
“You kept me up all night.”
“That’s not on me. You’re the one who wanted to talk.”
“That doesn’t sound like me at all.”
He fumbled around on the nightstand and then the dresser. “I’ll get him breakfast, but I gotta move fast. Where the hell is my phone?”
“End table by the sofa,” Olivia told him from inside her cocoon of covers. “And close the window.”
“Stop ordering me around.”
“Please?”
“Got it.” He leaned over and uncovered her head just enough to kiss her cheek. When he straightened up, he startled at the sight of the blonde woman in the doorway. “Uhh, Liv? Rollins is here.”
“Oh, come on.”
Elliot took his shirt from Amanda's outstretched hand and pulled it over his head. “Hey, Rollins.”
“Morning, Stabler. Here’s your phone. Noah’s having donuts in the kitchen. I brought plenty.”
“Thanks.”
She waited until he was out of sight to say, “Come on now, Liv. I know you’re awake under there.”
“I’m trying very hard not to be.”
“I’m not judging. I say, good for you. It’s about time you took my advice.”
“It’s not like that. We just…talked.”
“If you say so.”
“Don’t you have a class?”
“Not until eleven. Want me to take Noah out for a while?”
“No. We’re going to hang out here this morning. Give me a minute. I’ll come out.”
“Take your time.”
“I’m wearing clothes.”
“Sure you are.”
“Amanda!”
“God, you are cranky this morning. I guess you really did just talk.”
Olivia’s head popped out, followed by a pillow thrown towards Amanda’s head.
Laughing, Amanda joined Noah and Elliot in the kitchen, where Noah was torturing Elliot.
“Why’d you sleep on the couch?” the boy demanded.
“I told you. It was late. I didn’t want to drive. What’s with the questions? You saw me asleep there when you got up at two-thirty.”
“I mean, why didn’t you sleep in Mom’s room? That couch can’t be comfortable for someone your size. Especially someone old like you.”
“Noah,” Amanda admonished. She turned to Elliot. “They’re not morning people.”
“I can see that,” Elliot said as he snagged a donut.
“I just don’t know why adults try to act all stealthy about sex. No one would choose to sleep on that sofa if he had a nice bed at home. It’s not even comfortable for me. I liked our old one better. So he either stayed because he’s sleeping with Mom, or he stayed because everyone is lying to me and it’s not really safe. I asked Mom last night if she and Elliot were dating, and she dodged the question. I just like to know what’s going on. I don’t like it when adults hide things from me and act like I’m too young to know stuff.”
Olivia cuffed Noah on the back of the neck as she came into the kitchen. “Hey, manners. You and I will talk about this later. But I promise you that you’re safe, Noah. I wouldn’t have brought you home if you weren’t. And for the record, Elliot and I are not having sex. We were just catching up last night.”
“Whatever, Mom.”
“However, son, we’ll be sure to let you know if we do decide to have sex. How’s that?”
Noah gagged and made a face. “No, thanks. I’m going to brush my teeth.”
Elliot shook his head. “Man, I’d almost forgotten about that age. All those hormones just starting to course through their body.” He grabbed Liv’s chin gently and tilted her head to get a better look at the cheek. “Bruise is starting to turn yellow and green.”
“Don’t you have a boss who’s expecting you?”
“Not if I tell her Captain Benson needed to see me.”
“Don’t you dare tell her that. Get out of here.”
“I’ve already been caught sleeping where I shouldn’t. Can’t I at least get a proper kiss?”
“Elliot, I am not even playing with you right now.”
He leaned over and kissed the corner of her mouth quickly despite her protests. “Let me know when you’re ready to talk again.”
“Don’t hold your breath.”
He stopped and looked at Olivia seriously. “I haven’t breathed deeply in over twelve years. I can wait as long as you need me to. But I’ll tell you what. I’ll call you later to check in.”
Amanda made puppy dog eyes at Olivia as the apartment door closed behind Elliot. “Oh my God. Liv!” She drew the nickname out like it had multiple syllables.
“Amanda, don’t. It will never work out in the long run.”
“What was it you told me about Carisi when we were just starting out? That I had to learn not to sabotage the good things in my life without ever giving them a chance?”
“You think Elliot Stabler is good for me? Really?”
“Well, I used to not. But now? I don’t know. I mean, you're different with him. You deserve happiness, too, you know.”
“That's what people keep telling me, but I doubt Kathy Stabler would feel that way.”
“You don't owe her anything. And what happened to her definitely wasn't your fault. If Stabler’s ready to move forward after his wife’s death, you need to stop thinking so hard and follow his lead. He’s not someone else’s husband anymore. Just remember that Noah can stay with us any time you and Stabler want to…talk.”
“I think I'm all talked out.”
Amanda grinned. “Even better.”