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So, here’s the thing: sex with Kaneda is amazing. Literally the best thing that’s ever happened to him.
It’s been three months since they finally decided to face the pent-up anger and frustration, and after twenty minutes of venting, screaming, and a confession pulled out by Tetsuo out of exasperation, there followed a kiss that turned out to be a prelude for what was to come next: they got right down to business, abandoning all hesitation and inhibitions to throw themselves headlong into a relationship that was, pretty much in everyone’s eyes, as inevitable as it was dangerous, as right as it was reckless.
Relationship which, big surprise, works like a charm: their characters don’t clash with stubbornly, but meet carefully and with mutual respect. They’re similar in many things and opposite in others, and yet they manage to create a balance that not even their frequent arguments upset.
That physical contact would immediately result in sex was foregone – and fucking earned, too, after years spent avoiding touching each other, hiding all that pining and jealousy with slaps, nudges and shoves – and it’s crazy how many new sides of himself Tetsuo discovers. Kaneda might have been famous for being a serial fuckboy of the worst kind, but Tetsuo surely wasn’t. It’s a constant surprise: they fuck anywhere and in any position, whenever they have the chance, and Tetsuo finds himself with an addiction that’s both healthier and stronger than the adrenaline he gets from drugs or races or a fight with the Clowns.
At first he thinks that at the root of his fixation lies his lack of experience – after all, before Kaneda he only did it once, when he lost his virginity to Kaori, and then a handful of other times with girls whose names he can’t even remember –, and he’s shocked to discover just how intense orgasms can be when they don’t come from a tight pussy, but rather from having a cock forcefully thrust into the deepest parts of him, reaching places he didn’t even know existed. And he just has to lie back and enjoy it. Just take it.
But he soon realizes it’s not just that: knowing that he’s the object of the desire of his idol, his hero, the one guy he’s been thinking about while masturbating since he was twelve years old, imagining the dirtiest things, is too satisfying not to play a part in it all. Sometimes it occurs to him that it might be even more exciting than sex itself… Until they do have sex and he realizes that no, it’s not possible. There’s nothing more arousing than Kaneda’s touch, Kaneda's weight on top of him pressing him down on whatever surface. The sounds and reactions he elicits from Tetsuo are enough to make him sink into an embarrassment bordering on shame. It’s ridiculous how little time it takes them to learn to play each other like instruments, knowing where to touch and how. In a way, it’s like touching a bike: it comes naturally to them. And Tetsuo loves all of it.
He loves that he can allow himself to be dominated by Kaneda without it becoming a competition. Loves that for once he can surrender to the total lack of control over himself and his surroundings to leave it to him. Loves that he can trust him. But most of all he loves the fullness, the intimacy, the familiarity that they acquire over time. And then there’s Kaneda’s hands everywhere, his kisses while he pounds into him and the way he pulls his hair when they do it from behind, his grunts in his ear and the feeling of his warm come deep inside him and then dripping out, leaking down his thighs — that moment alone is worth everything. He loves waking up in the morning with his face pressed between Kaneda’s shoulder blades and his smell all over him, his body sore and covered in scratches and bites.
That’s why he feels like shit, now that the doubt that has been dwelling in his brain for the past few days has grown into a real nuisance: ever since they started having sex, he’s always been on the receiving end. They didn’t really decide it, they simply found themselves doing it that way and went on with it. But unfortunately, there are times when it seems to tickle a long dormant part of him, namely that part that represents his inferiority complex.
He tells himself it’s stupid, that it makes no sense, because he knows full well that it doesn’t matter who does what: roles are not directly related to having control. He himself has repeatedly been dictating rules and pace, marveling at Kaneda’s submissiveness towards him. It’s when submissiveness turns patronizing that problems arise. Why does he have to be the one to receive? And why hasn’t Kaneda ever suggested the opposite? Would he let him do the same for him? Maybe he doesn’t think Tetsuo is good enough. Maybe he just thinks him too “needy” for attention and affection for him to give it to someone else. Ergo, he thinks him weak.
Whenever he falls prey to these thoughts, he gets so mad at himself he feels like banging his head against the wall. It’s bullshit. Kaneda doesn’t think such things. He’s hot, passionate and a giver, too, – at least with Tetsuo, but he wasn’t always like this, judging by how he used to brag about his girlfriends to the group – and when they’re not having sex he’s even worse: he calls him names that annoy and soften him at the same time, making him smile and blush like he was a twelve-year-old; he never fails to remind him how much he loves him and gives him all the physical contact he never knew he wanted – no, craved.
It’s just… He’d really like to try. Just to know how far he would be willing to go and whether Kaneda would let him. He needs to know that Kaneda would want him anyway. And yes, he wants to show him that he could dominate, so sue him.
Anyway, he has no intention of voicing his irrational fears just to get it off his chest. It would ruin everything, and he refuses to lose what they managed to built with so much effort. He’d rather just keep it to himself as he usually does and be silently ashamed of it. He’s always been good at it, even though his relationship with Kaneda caused most of the walls he had built around himself to crumble and helped smooth out his hardest sides. He can do it.
“Alright, that’s enough. What’s eating you?’”
Tetsuo instinctively clutches the tenth volume of Fullmetal Alchemist in his hands, crumpling the pages. Shit. He definitely needs to learn not to think such things too loudly. Otherwise Kaneda ends up hearing them, too. He doesn’t know how he does it, but it’s true. He hears his fucking thoughts.
He looks up from the manga and to his boyfriend, who’s standing in front of his bike with the cloth he was using to clean it still in his hand, crossed arms and a cigarette hanging behind his ear. He looks calm, but Tetsuo knows him enough to know how upset he is. Tetsuo doesn’t flinch, though. He just shrugs and furrows his brows at him like he doesn’t recognize him.
“Nothing!”
“Oh please, I know you. Come on, out with it”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”
Kaneda doesn’t even make the effort to suppress the sarcastic laugh that comes out in response. “Oh, okay. I can be more specific: have you noticed we haven’t had sex in a week? Or does it only bothers me?”
Well, shit, of course he’s noticed. They’ve had a few handjobs to blow off steam, but nothing more. And Tetsuo every time. He never went any further, but at least he initiated it. Kaneda, on the other hand, merely welcomed his pass and played along, not once giving him one of those stupid, ridiculous attentions that Tetsuo pretends to hate: no more squeezing his ass in public to embarrass him, no more random bites on his neck while they sit around at Haruki-ya’s, and especially no more attentions down there.
And it does bother Tetsuo. Damn, it bothers him. A waste, that’s what it is. And an outrage, the way he sees it. So he puts on the pout that’s usually reserved for when he’s pissed as hell.
“You can bet I noticed” he mutters. “But it’s not like I chose it”
“Well, I certainly didn’t” retorts Kaneda. “You were being weird. Every time we started doing it, you became all grumpy. It seemed like you didn’t want to… So I thought that maybe, if I stopped jumping you, you’d let me know when you felt like it”
“I was just overthinking at the time” says Tetsuo, lowering his gaze to the comic again. He hates being cornered.
“You’re always overthinking. Overthinking’s your daily hobby. This is different”
“Well, nothing happened, okay?”
“I think something happened” insists Kaneda, with a hint of distress. “Even after, you were weird… Like it bothered you”
Tetsuo shuts the comic abruptly and gets off the wall he was sitting on.
"You need to stop imagining things” he says coldly.
He turns his back on him and grabs his jacket like he’s about to leave, excepts he stops right there. He doesn’t want to leave. Kaneda breaks the silence, and this time distress stands out undeniably.
“Look,” he hears him say from behind, “I know you don’t tell me everything that’s on your mind... And I don’t expect you to... but I’m getting worried here, okay? For real. So... If you could please...”
Tetsuo pictures Kaneda’s fidgeting hands as he tries to voice whatever might be going on inside him now, with all the awkwardness and apprehension of someone who cares, and he feels guilty. No, he feels like shit. He sighs and closes his eyes, rubbing a hand over his face.
“Sorry” he says, turning to face him. “I’m sorry, Kaneda. I swear there’s nothing to worry about. Everything’s fine now”
Kaneda’s anguish seems to subside, but it’s only for a moment. Then it returns, heavier than before.
“What about us?” he asks. “Are we fine?”
“Yeah, sure. What’s with you?”
“You don’t like it anymore, is that it?”
Tetsuo is shocked. He didn’t expect this. Kaneda's self-esteem showing even the slightest, vaguest crack is the rarest event he has ever witnessed.
“What? No!” he answers in an obvious voice. “Of course I still like it—”
“You don’t like me, then” Panic grows in Kaneda’s voice. He speaks like he’s not accepting other versions aside from his. “You don’t like how I do it”
“What are you talking about?”
“Is there someone else? Were you thinking of someone else while I—”
“No, no, no, Kaneda” Tetsuo reaches forward instinctively and stops at one step away from him. He’s the one who seems the most scared, now. “Don’t. Okay? Don’t even think about that shit. There’s no one. I like doing it with you and I like you. Nothing changed. I just...”
This is where courage fails. He lowers his eyes.
“You just what?” insists Kaneda, slightly relieved.
‘God, this is so fucking awkward...’ he thinks. He has never wanted so badly for the ground to swallow him whole. The government never invests in fixing this fucking road, and never once has a crack opened up under his feet when he needs it. In the meantime, Kaneda seems to have lost all the concern he had been accumulating, and although it’s a relief for Tetsuo to have freed him from that burden, he can’t stop the anger and shame that grip him when he sees Kaneda leaning toward him, somewhere between dramatic and playful, and grabbing the edges of his shirt. Tetsuo can only widen his eyes and tilt backwards, almost frightened.
“Tets. Tetsu. Tetsuo-kun. Baby”
“Will you shut up for once? What is wrong with you?” blurts Tetsuo, his cheeks on fire as he shakes him off.
“I’ll shut up when you tell me what the—”
“I don’t want to be the bottom anymore!”
His heart stops the very moment he says it. The funny thing is, even though he expects a pitiful show – like Kaneda bursting out laughing in his face, as he deserves, or walking away horrified by his immaturity, or simply feeding him everything he’s been dreading to hear for days: ‘Are you kidding? You, being the top? Do you even know how it’s done?’ – he can’t stop staring at him.
Kaneda blinks a couple of times, his face concentrated and his mouth half-open. After five endless seconds he speaks, all calm and collected like he’s stating the obvious:
“Then be the fucking top”
... Oh.
Tetsuo squints his eyes. He must have misheard.
“Wait– What?”
Kaneda chuckles in relief. “You’re kidding me, right?" he says. “We’ve hardly touched for a week… because of this?”
“I just… I figured you’d say no. Or, like, laugh at me”
“But did you ever even ask?”
He feels like an idiot. It happens every time he realizes that not everything is a huge problem, especially not for Kaneda. Nonetheless, that was so fucking liberating.
Kaneda smiles crookedly as he usually does when he has something to say.
“You know roles have nothing to do with being in control, right?”
Tetsuo is astonished. This was the center of the problem, the one thing he was most ashamed to confess, and he didn’t have to because Kaneda took care of it: all he had to do was blurt out a handful of words for the older boy to connect the dots. He doesn’t know whether to find it more disgustingly adorable or frightening, and he has lost count of the number of times he has been at this crossroads since they’re together.
“I know”, is all he can answer.
“So you’ve always been the bottom, so what?” adds Kaneda. “I can assure you that even from that position you’re perfectly capable of putting a leash on me and pulling. Metaphorically speaking, obviously. But if someday you’ll feel like using a real leash or a rope on me, you can. Totally fine with it. In fact, that’d be fun”
Tetsuo shakes his head at the goofy grin that’s one of his favorite things in the world and sighs. “Idiot” he says, without the slightest hint of annoyance.
Kaneda ditches the cloth on his bike’s handlebars and looks at him earnestly, expecting something he already knows he’s going to get. Tetsuo has neither the willpower nor the patience to deny him that or make him sweat, so he strides up to him and kisses him with abandon, pinning him against the opposite wall. He feels him smile against his mouth, their teeth clashing. Tetsuo’s hands travel down his body until they reach Kaneda’s butt and squeeze – it’s not the first time he has done such thing, but the scenario he pictures now involves Kaneda naked underneath him, and himself for once enjoying the show from behind and massaging and squeezing however he pleases and it’s just too good to stay a fantasy.
Kaneda pulls away to catch his breath and grins. “You want this?” he asks.
In response, Tetsuo lowers Kaneda’s pants just a little, lets his fingers slip under his underwear and kisses him again, pushing one leg between his. Kaneda spreads them wide with a hum in his mouth and tilts his head to deepen the kiss – he’s a couple of inches taller than him. He lets Tetsuo’s tongue move free and slowly grinds against his thigh, hands tight on his shirt to pull him even closer.
“I missed this,” mutters Tetsuo, right before diving back to kiss down his neck.
“Serves you right” says Kaneda. “Asshole”
He lets him have some more fun before pushing him away with a playful shove. He enjoys Tetsuo’s bewildered face as he pulls up his pants.
“We’re doing it. Tonight,” Kaneda decrees, with barely a shadow of a sly smile on his face. “At my place. No second thoughts and no overthinking. Okay?”
Before Tetsuo can retort, Kaneda grabs his face between his thumb and the rest of his fingers and kisses him hard one last time. The he walks past him, tosses him the cloth he had borrowed – Tetsuo’s still so dazed from eveything that just happened that he almost misses it –, slips on his gloves and climbs on his bike. He winks at him and drives off.
‘Tonight,’ thinks Tetsuo as he watches him leaving, ‘I’m gonna rail that bastard’
When he enters Kaneda’s house, he finds him already lying in bed, so he lies down on top of him from above the covers without uttering a word. Kaneda drops the phone on the floor and lets Tetsuo snuggle into him, holding him close.
“Are you sure?” he asks after a while, raising his head to look at him.
“Come on, Tets” begs Kaneda in a bored voice. “I said ‘No second thoughts’, didn’t I? Get up a second”
Tetsuo obeys. With a gravity that anyone would deem unnecessary, Kaneda throws off the sheets to reveal himself in all his nakedness, rests his back on the pillows, crosses his arms behind his head and spreads his legs, all with a shameless grin on his face.
“Have at it, baby”
Tetsuo’s cheeks go deep red, as he shakes his head somewhere between amused and exasperated.
“You’re obscene” he says. He takes a deep breath and finally shakes off whatever doubts he still had. “Alright,” he adds, more to himself than to Kaneda, “so we’re doing this”
“Fucking finally” groans the older boy, his eyes to the ceiling.
“The way you say it, it’s like you’ve been waiting for this moment for a lifetime!”
“If you had just talked to me instead of keeping it to yourself as usual, you would know that I haven’t thought of anything else since the first time we fucked!”
Tetsuo raises an eyebrow skeptically. Kaneda sighs.
“What I mean is,” he says, pulling his back up again, “it’s not that I really had the desire, but I had the curiosity. But don’t get me wrong, I like topping you, in case you didn’t notice. Like, a lot”
“Oh, I noticed”
“No but seriously, you have no idea how much I like it”
“Uh-uh”
“I love you, and I wanna do the worst things to you, you know? I could spend hours nailing you to the walls—”
“Babe. Enough. I get it”
This seems to convince Kaneda.
“I wanted to try too” he finishes. “Besides, I confess that seeing how much you like it made me feel a little bit envious at times”
A sudden jealousy takes over Tetsuo. Just the thought of someone else’s hands on Kaneda, of not being the first to touch him there, at his deepest and most intimate spot, is enough to make him clench his fists in anger. He knows he has never been with a man before, but he has to ask him anyway. He has to, or it will eat him.
“Has anyone ever... I mean, have you ever had anything there?”
“Well, I remember Akane sticking a finger in me once”
Tetsuo squints. Of all the girls Kaneda has banged, their school nurse is literally the last one he would think capable of such a thing.
“Get out of here”
“She did!" chuckles Kaneda. “I didn’t mind, though”
“What was it, one of your little bed games? Were you playing patient and nurse?”
“Oh come on, like you and I have never done that stuff! It’s the basis of sex”
Tetsuo feels himself blushing again as his mind goes through multiple flashes of their most “alternative” nights, that is, those few times that they managed not to immediately give in to their teenage hormons and took some time and pretended to be someone else, with the one and only purpose of enjoying for as long as possible. Each time they end up saying they should do it more often, but patience is a virtue they both lack.
“You know I’m a curious guy” says Kaneda slyly. “Even when I was all about girls, I always thought it’s only fair to benefit from that one hole that was given to us men as well”
The more he talks about it, the more Tetsuo is genuinely impressed.
“I didn’t think you'd be so open about it”
Kaneda casts an eloquent glance toward his open legs, clicks his tongue and lifts one corner of his mouth.
“Why don't you open me up?”
Tetsuo fights the urge to smother him with a pillow.
“Jeez, you’re…”
He doesn’t even know what to call him, but he knows for a fact that he’s going to give him the night of his life, and that by the time he’s done he won’t be able to come up with his dumb jokes. He won’t be able to do anything.
He undresses as fast as he can, lies back down on him and takes possession of his mouth, delving with his tongue inside his mouth to meet Kaneda’s warm, wet tongue. He slowly strokes it with his, moving on to trace the outlines of his mouth, teeth and palate. Kaneda can only suck on it from time to time and sigh as he takes in the circular movements of Tetsuo’s hips towards him. They get hard in no time, helped by the perfect friction given by their thrusts. Watching them from the outside, humping each other naked, with wet and vulgar sounds of their kissing, it’s like they’re already fucking.
Tetsuo comes down on Kaneda’s neck to pick up where he left off that afternoon, sinking his teeth against the skin. He feels Kaneda shudder underneath him as traces the reddish marks on his neck with his lips and tongue until they turn purple. He runs his hands over his smooth torso and stops on his hips to hold them firmly. He keeps sucking on his neck until he travels back up to kiss him quick on the cheek and then goes down again, leaving a trail of kisses along his collarbone – Kaneda’s lips follow his in vain and decide to settle for his forehead, kissing it frantically and fondly like it’s something precious, making Tetsuo’s heart leap to his throat – for and to his chest.
Tetsuo closes his mouth around one nipple and moves his tongue in circles arund the areola, pressing delicately with his tongue until he starts drawing sighs from Kaneda. Of all the things they have ever done together, this is one of his favorites. He will never cease to be amazed by how sensitive Kaneda’s nipples are. Every time he licks, bites, or sucks on them, Kaneda clings to his hair, bites his lip, curls his toes. He sighs, trembling and broken. Sometimes he seems to enjoy it even more than receiving head.
Tetsuo releases the nipple with a pop to focus on the other, pulling it slowly between his teeth and then sucking it in his mouth. He pinches the other with his fingers, sinks his thumbnail slowly into the center. All the while he watches Kaneda from below so as not to miss a single reaction: he has one hand on Tetsuo’s hair and the other covering his eyes, alternating gasps with hisses; his head looks like it’s going to dig a hole into the pillow and his hips thrust eagerly against Tetsuo’s.
The arousal is now unbearable and the friction between their bodies’s almost painful, so Tetsuo pulls away with a pop and reaches for the lube. Kaneda grabs his wrist.
“Save that for later” he says, smiling mischievously.
The confusion in Tetsuo’s gaze gives way to desire when Kaneda brings his hand to his mouth and licks along the palm, staring at him dead in the eye. Tetsuo lets him and then slips two fingers into his mouth, stroking his tongue with his fingertips and basking in the feel of that wet, soft muscle. Kaneda moans around his fingers and sucks, releasing them only to start over again, palm and fingers.
Once Tetsuo has decided he has had enough – once he realizes he’s about to explode – he takes them out of his mouth. He kneels between Kaneda’s legs and puts his left hand behind his knee with to spread his legs wider. He stares at his hole and traces its edges, taking his time to test the waters. It only takes a few seconds for Kaneda to chuckle:
“What, you chickening out on me?”
Tetsuo looks at him as if to challenge him to repeat but he doesn’t give him th time: he sticks his index finger in. Kaneda hisses in annoyance and stiffens, but does not let out a single moan or request. Tetsuo knows him well enough to know what he wants, and right now he wants him to continue. So he does, drawing circles on his thigh with the thumb of his left hand to reassure him. He moves it in and out more slowly, paying attention to Kaneda’s breaths, becoming more and more relaxed. When he starts to widen and stretch around the intrusion, Tetsuo dives down to suck and bite his thighs, distracting him as he removes his finger. When he pushes two inside, Kaneda moans faintly.
“What’s it like?” asks Tetsuo.
“A bit weird but... Hot. Weird but hot” Kaneda strokes Tetsuo's wrist and looks at him. “Go on”
Oh, Tetsuo knows how it feels. Before Kaneda, pleasure had always been something that comes from outside him, something he has to chase and reach and penetrate, fucking and using. It was never something that comes from the inside and expands throughout his body. A pleasure that makes him feel hot in the strangest places, and over which he has no power whatsoever. Being used is different – but just as good. It must be the same for Kaneda right now.
He moves his fingers in slow circles, digging slowly and thoroughly until he touches the prostate. Kaneda releases something between a gasp and a moan, jerking his hips forward and staring at the ceiling with wide eyes. Tetsuo chuckles proudly.
“What do we have here?” he says, attempting another touch.
“Oh fuck, right there,” gasps Kaneda, clutching Tetsuo’s wrist with one hand and the sheets with the other. “Shit. Shit. Fuck. What the fuck—”
Tetsuo starts pressing his fingers more firmly, pulling and pushing, aiming straight for that magic spot that makes Kaneda arch his back.
“Okay...” exhales Kaneda between hisses. “Oooh-kay, I like this...”
He holds onto his wrist like a lifeline, spurring Tetsuo to give him more, harder, deeper, and Tetsuo obliges. He traces a wet line along the perineum with his tongue, sinking his nose into it and exhaling Kaneda’s strong scent. He laps at the testicles and sucks them in his mouth; then he starts massaging them with his free hand as he descends again to lick the perineum, reveling in the moans and whimpers he’s getting in response. Kaneda’s hips move of their own accord toward his hand and mouth by now. Tetsuo chuckles against him.
“You like it that much?” he asks.
“I like you,” Kaneda specifies eagerly. “You could piss on me and I’d probably jerk off to it”
Tetsuo shuts his eyes with a deep sigh, turning his prayers to someone he is not even sure he believes in.
“Fucking hell, Kaneda, you can’t be that kinky”
Kaneda bursts into laughter. “I'm kidding, you big idiot”
“Oh, thank God. Besides, I’d never do such a thing”
Kaneda beams at him from above, petting his head with his free hand.
“Aw, baby!” he purrs fondly. “I’d never piss on you either...”
“Sssh, shut up!” says Tetsuo, impatiently. “I need to focus”
He casts around again, stretching out Kaneda’s walls. “Shit, I lost it...”
“Try curling your fingers upwards.... A-Ah”
Once found again, Tetsuo makes sure to hit the bundle of nerves with each thrust of his fingers, dipping his tongue into Kaneda’s belly where he has already started leaking pre-cum. He slips in a third finger and increases the pressure of the tips, moaning against his skin as he tries to give himself a bit of relief by humping the bed.
“Holy shit, Tets– Tetsuo” whines Kaneda, his voice high-pitched. “ God, you’re... You’re too good, Tets– You’re so fucking good. This can’t be the first time you do this...”
“It’s because I've been where you are now” answers Tetsuo, a little short of breath for fucking Kaneda’s belly with his tongue. “I know what feels good”
“Can we do this forever?” Kaneda shouts louder and looks up at him with lust in his eyes. “Tets, come... Come here”
Without pulling out his fingers, Tetsuo lies down beside him, stretches his left arm under Kaneda's neck and resumes hitting the target hard. “Can you come like this?” he asks.
“I don’t know-ooh” Kaneda lets out a choked moan toward the end. “Yes, maybe, I-I… Ah, fuck” As if he’s been waiting for that, Tetsuo starts finger-fucking him mercilessly. “Wait wait wait— Ah... Ah... AH”
He keeps letting out those sounds like he’s about to sneeze, his face concentrated and his brow furrowed, his eyes squeezed tight as he pulls on Tetsuo’s hair so hard it hurts. Tetsuo doesn’t complain and lets him do it – after all, he deserves it, since he hasn’t touched himself once since they started. He almost can’t believe it. He only ever saw Kaneda coming untouched a few times, but it always makes him proud. Also, it’s hot to watch. The hottest thing, maybe.
So he thrusts his tongue into his mouth, drinking in Kaneda’s moans, mixed with the one Tetsuo makes when he feels him clench around his fingers with messy contractions – just imagining such a feeling around his cock almost makes him come. It’s just a fleeting, alarming second, but he really thinks he’s going to – and fucks him throughout the orgasm. When they part to catch their breath, he has to check and make sure his hard-on is still there.
Kaneda’s stomach is covered with white trickles, but he doesn’t seem to mind: he just lies with arms open and breathes, used like Tetsuo’s never seen him. He did a pretty fucking great job, and it’s just the beginning, thinks Tetsuo while pulling out his fingers slowly. Kaneda grunts in slight pain, takes a deep breath and looks at Tetsuo as if he were a mythological creature.
“Fuck” he blurts out. “You’re out of your fucking mind”
He pulls him down to kiss him with a hand behind the back of his head, no haste and no tongue; Tetsuo lies on top of him but keeps his eyes open the whole time, studying Kaneda's tired, relaxed, fulfilled face. Then Kaneda pulls away and looks between their bodies.
“Want me to go down on you?” he asks with a crooked smile.
“With all the effort it took me not to come?” retorts Tetsuo.
Never would he have imagined – and nor did he ever want – to say no to that, but tonight there’s only one place he plans to come into. So he gets up, tired of waiting for the thing he has been yearning for for weeks, and coats his cock with lube. Meanwhile, Kaneda quickly wipes his stomach with tissues and turns so he’s on all fours, immediately starting to touch himself to get his hard-on back. Tetsuo hears him hiss in annoyance.
“You just came” says Tetsuo. “Let’s just wait a—”
“No, I can do it” then, barely audible. “Come on, come on, come on…”
While he jerks off, Tetsuo rests his hands on the inside of his thighs and spreads them apart, hungrily watching his loose hole contract around nothing. Finally, he holds his cock at the base and rests the tip against it.
“Are you sure?” he asks one last time.
Kaneda stops jerking off and sighs soundly.
“Tetsu, baby,” he punctuates firmly. “I’ll try to be as convincing as possible” He turns to look at him over his shoulder. “I better be limping in the morning”
He has not even turned around yet that Tetsuo has slipped into him, slow but steady, his lips tight and a concentrated look on his face. Kaneda collapses with his forehead on the pillow, letting out a long grunt and bending his back. Tetsuo would give anything to see his face right now, but he knows that this way is more comfortable for both of them.
“Wow... Wow” he hears him say, taking in a series of quick pants. “Okay, okay, okay...”
“Better than Akane’s finger, huh?” chuckles Tetsuo.
“Okay, I’m getting used to it...”
Tetsuo's hands wrap around him from behind, pressing on his stomach. He feels like he’s getting even harder, and he probably is, so he forces himself to breathe deeply and hopes to regain some self-control over his hardness. He kisses Kaneda’s nape and lets his lips there, half-open to breathe on him. “How’s it going?”
“Great” mutters Kaneda. “I can feel its shape—”
“Can I go deeper?”
“Fuck, yes”
Kaneda’ actually the one who moves: he starts rocking, enjoying the feeling of Tetsuo’s cock dragging along his walls and marveling at the way his own body immediately adapts to him. He goes along with Tetsuo’s first thrusts and arches his back, guided by the other’s hands on his stomach and back.
“Ohh God, I can feel it moving... It’s…”
Tetsuo starts to fuck him gently, and Kaneda screams almost immediately.
“Oh, shit” he says, squeezing the sheets between his fingers. “Can you do that again?”
“There?” A smile spreads across Tetsuo’s face as he lowers his body until his chest touches Kaneda’s back. “You like it?”
“Yeah, I... Move. Please”
Tetsuo obeys, moaning against his skin and basking in Kaneda’s wet, tight, hot insides. It’s definitely different than sex with a girl. It has nothing to do with sex with a girl. But maybe it’s just because it’s Kaneda, and that’s enough to take what they are doing now to a whole other level than what he knew before. He runs his hands over his nipples and teases them, panting in his ear.
“Oh, fuck...” murmurs Kaneda hoarsely. “You’re big”
After an indefinite time in which they have done nothing but rocking together in no hurry, sliding slowly but inevitably into more intense pleasure, Tetsuo stops. Kaneda whimpers in protest.
“Can I go faster?” Tetsuo asks him. “Are you okay?”
Kaneda laughs as if he has made a joke and looks over his shoulder at him.
“My knees hurt,” he replies as he rocks backward. “But I’m fine. I’m great” Then he places his hand over Tetsuo’s on the mattress and squeezes it. “Keep going,” he says, and it’s all so fucking soft, his voice, his smile, the look he’s giving him, that Tetsuo can’t help but throw himself forward and kiss him wherever he can reach – his temple, ear, and cheek.
“Love you” It’s just a quick, shy whisper, but it’s enough for Kaneda.
He pulls back and thrusts in again, increasing the speed and it’s so much better. “Ffffuck, yes,” he grunts, pushing Kaneda back down with a hand on his back. “Spread your legs a little bit more for me—”
Kaneda obeys, spreading his legs as wide as he can; he puts one elbow down on the bed and he reaches with one hand back, traveling between their legs until he reaches the younger boy’s balls with his fingertips. He grabs them, soft but firm, and starts to roll them in his hand.
“Come on, baby,” he says, turning his head to the side and smirking at him. “I bet you can go harder than this”
Tetsuo grabs him by the hips and increases the pace, hitting his spot at every thrust. He thrusts so hard that Kaneda’s grip on his balls vanishes and the latter falls face-first into the pillow, muffling his screams. He sees stars behind his eyelids as sparks of pleasure spread from that spot inside him, causing shivers throughout his body.
Tetsuo must feel merciful, because he surrounds his waist with one hand and grabs his throbbing erection, jerking him in time with the thrusts.
“Fuck, you’re beautiful, baby,” he moans between gasps. “Just like this… God, yes… No one… No one gets to have you like this. Fucking no one”
“Yes, yes, yes,” Kaneda screams. “I’m almost there, Tets, please.... I—”
“Me too,” gasps Tetsuo. “What do you want? Harder, faster?”
“Yes, fuck, harder. Harder”
“Yeah, okay. Okay”
Tetsuo fucks him exactly as he asked, harder than Kaneda has ever dared to fuck him. He bangs him as he pleases and it’s fucking fantastic. It certainly ranks among the multiple, exceptional discoveries Tetsuo has made in the past few months: before Kaneda, he would acknowledge the wild, dirty and numb kind of sex, while the more disgustingly cheesy and sentimental kind existed only in the movies and, even assuming it was real, would never have been about him. Then had come sex with Kaneda, and not only had he realized that the second kind existed and could be about him, but that it even matched the first. Their fucking, the way they touch and what they say to each other in the process are as obscene and vulgar as anything he has ever experienced with anyone and yet, somehow, there’s a complicity, a tenderness and an adoration that never feels corny.
It’s always perfect, like it is now: he’s fucking him like there’s no tomorrow, with all the long pent-up anger and pining and a hint of perversion at seeing Kaneda under him, weak and pliant and totally gone for him. But it’s not about the mere act of taking him: it’s about knowing he’s his. Suddenly he’s reminded of that time when, right after fucking, Kaneda pulled himself up from his body, where he had collapsed, and looked down at him; he put his hand on Tetsuo’s forehead and left it there, stroking it slowly with his thumb and the rest of his fingers threaded through his hair as he always does, ever since they were little, a gesture so innocent and simple and yet so full of love that it makes Tetsuo’s stomach fill with butterflies every time. He stayed like that for a few seconds in complete silence, sweating and panting, before asking:
“Are you mine?”
Tetsuo knew right away that he wasn’t talking about sex and the exclusiveness of their relationship: he was actually asking him to belong to him in a deeper way and to be there with him, to really be there, despite everything. It was his way of telling him, ‘I know I can’t get inside your head, but at least I want to try. I need to know you feel just as complete as I do right now, that you don’t feel the need to be anywhere else with anyone else, that you don’t miss anything else. That everything that haunts and pains you and traumas and bad memories can’t get to you when I’m around. That none of it touches you when we’re together. I’m all yours, Tets. Are you?’
Tetsuo had understood all of this from just three words, because they’re Kaneda and Tetsuo, and they never needed too much talking. So he swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, nodded, and answered, “Yeah,” then, with more conviction, pulling himself up to get closer to him. “Yes”
What followed was one of the most beautiful and meaningful kisses they had ever shared.
The memory is interrupted by Kaneda’s broken whimper.
“Tets– Tetsuo” he whines. “Pleasepleaseplease—”
Tetsuo grabs Kaneda’s dripping erection from behind, and he knows it’s over: he keeps thrusting and jerking him off at the same time, while the other goes back and forward to his cock and hand, and suddenly twitches, so much that Tetsuo’s breath is ripped out of his lungs like he has just been punched in the stomach. Instead, it’s just Kaneda coming hard, his face pressed into the pillow to muffle his cries. His walls contract around Tetsuo, milking him until the last drop: holding it down, because all the heat in his groin radiate and resonates throughout his whole body, overwhelming him. It’s like slipping into a tub full of hot water. He can only close his eyes tightly and surrender to thrusts without a shred of control, choked moan escaping from his lips. If someone heard him now, they would probably think he was screaming in pain. It’s the most intense, slow orgasm he has experienced in weeks. Once it’s over, he tilts his head enough to look at the mess under Kaneda.
“God, Kaneda, you came so much” he pants, getting some tissues from the nightstand.
“Your fault” chuckles Kaneda.
It takes him quite a long time to pull out, because after after two orgasms Kaneda must be more sensitive and sore than ever, but he doesn’t hear a single complaint. Kaneda melts down into the mattress, completely spent. He feels Tetsuo’s hands venture back between his legs to clean him and smiles, eyes still shut.
“Even making me wipe your ass now” mutters Tetsuo, rubbing between his thighs and then throwing the tissues on the floor.
Kaneda turns around, cups his face in his hands and pulls him down.
“Shut up” he says against his lips, just before working his way into his mouth.
Tetsuo kisses him back, sighing in his mouth; then he lies down beside him, leaves a hand on his chest to caress it with his thumb. Kaneda runs his fingers through the damp hair at the top of his forehead.
“You’re sweating” he says. His usual arrogant smile peeps out on his face as he bends an arm behind his head and looks at him expectantly. “So? How was I?”
Tetsuo rolls his eyes with a chuckle.
“You were good”
“Just good?”
“Why do I always have to fuel your ego after a fuck? You can give me some satisfaction for once!”
Kaneda laughs. “Fair enough,” He gets pensive. “Well, then: I think you just made me come harder than that time in Haruki-ya’s toilet”
“… That’s not possible”
“You came close, though”
He stretches out an arm and Tetsuo knows the signal, so he snuggles into him and lets himself be held. Suddenly he feels so tired, he could fall asleep.
“So are we going to do it this way from now on?”
Tetsuo thinks about it for a while.
“Nah” he finally replies. “It was fun. And I’m glad we tried it. But we can go back to the way it was before” And then, just because he’s Kaneda and he knows there would be no point in keeping something he already knows from him, “I like being on the other side too much”
The resigned sigh he receives in response confirms this.
“Ah, I knew it would end like this!” he says, not at all surprised. “You just needed to get it off your chest and know how it feels. You spoiled brat”
One of the first things they learned once they got together is that they can only afford this kind of insults in bed.
“However...” says Tetsuo tentatively. “I mean... It doesn’t have to be like this every time. We can switch. Just once in a while, whenever we feel like it”
“Trust me, Tets” retorts Kaneda in an obvious tone. “After tonight, all you're gonna have to do is ask, and I’ll be more than happy to bend over for you”
Tetsuo turns his face with one hand and kisses him again, slow and soft. When they part, Kaneda strokes his Adam’s apple with his thumb, as serious as he has ever been all night.
“Once we're ready,” he says, “we'll do this again. Now shut up and spoon me”
Tetsuo obliges happily, burying a relaxed smile in Kaneda’s nape.