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It was a cold night.
Tsukasa hates the cold. He hates the rain. He hates empty houses. He hates the sound of silence. He hates the cold.
It was always far too cold when he was alone.
In his house as a child without mother nor father to keep him company. To help him fill the gaping hole the absence of his sickly sister left behind.
(Really how selfish of him for wanting comfort when she obviously needed it more)
During the winter season, when he'd stare thoughtlessly at the snow blanketed forest behind his house curled up atop his unswept porch; having gone there to escape from the stifiling and unsettling atmosphere created by a brightly decorated home with no real warmth of a family to fill it.
And more recently, when he would lay basking in the moonlight on top of freshly washed flower scented sheets and blankets, tracing the cool tempered glass of his window with the calloused pads of his fingers.
He always found it to be much too cold on his own.
But now, as he stood at a time nearing the middle of the night. Hands resting now numbly on a freezing metal bar as wind violently whipped his hair every which way, the sound of water beneath the bridge he stood upon rushing loudly in his ears, he decided it was different.
It was cold indefinitely. The goosebumps on his skin and tremors which racked his body occasionally told him that much. But this time, he couldn't feel it.
Everything was numb to him.
Inside, and out. He felt distant, as if everything that was there wasn't really there, or as if he himself was not truly present. He felt numb to both his emotions, and to his surroundings.
Sometimes in other scenarios Tsukasa would feel something alike this, emptiness filling his hollow heart and ribcage like air. But this numbing feeling was different, it weighed more like water.
The cruel jabs his mind shot at him felt like nothing more than a series of words strung together to create a sentence. Any and every emotion Tsukasa should had been feeling seemed to be snuffed out like a flame pinched by hands of static, leaving nothing but the unpleasant smell of smoke and ash in it's wake.
Somewhere within his scattered mind, Tsukasa wished that the thoughts drawing his attention to the abyss below him could scare him. That the loud howling of the wind and sharp sting of his fringe slapping against his skin could overwhelm him, and that the temptation of death which pulled him toward the edge of the platform could make him feel something so that he could focus on that and use it to try and find logic within the muddled, dark mess that was his mind.
But Tsukasa continued to feel nothing, and so his figure stood still in the frigid midnight cold.
As if he were being controlled like a puppet by a puppeteer, his hand dropped as he contemplated the action of jumping over the guard.
He was sure there was a good reason not to.
But what was it again?
His mind drew blank.
Forgetting again? It's no wonder you're not needed anymore. It's no wonder Saki no longer seeks you for anything, compared to her friends, you could never be enough. Do everyone a favor, and ju
-His brain wasn't the most helpful in providing answers right now.
But then again, it was really the only thing Tsukasa had readily available to him, so with a flick of the pupeteers wrist, and no real will of his own, he jumped over the railing.
He landed stiffly on the other side. His hand shifted to hold the bars, grip loose.
It was quiet in his head for the first time all night.
For a moment Tsukasa thought naively that since he'd listened, his mind would leave him alone. That it'd drop the strings which wrapped his lungs and allow him to breathe again.
But of course, nothing good ever remained when it came to him, and so as the second's ticked by the cursed voice which mocked his own and haunted the interiors of his brain echoed closer as it returned.
Why did he even listen to it in the first place?
You're so close, it pushed. Just do it. Nobody would ca
-Normally, Tsukasa cut it off, exasperated.
The sudden silence rang loudly in his head. It made him anxious; so he continued,
-Normally, Tsukasa would find a means to distract himself from it. Would disappear to his sekai, talk to Miku, sit with Kaito, tell stories to the plushies.
Other times he would find Saki and spend time with her, time he was never able to spend with her before.
And if that wasn't an option, he'd text his troupmates, maybe even go out to see them.
Hang out with Mafuyu, with Touya, sometimes even more distant friends like Mizuki or Shizuku.
Always doing something, never nothing.
Because nothing meant silence. It meant the loneliness of his own company, it meant the coldness of his empty home, of his empty bedroom.
And it also meant having to deal with his thoughts. Normally so tame, would run rampant if Tsukasa even dared to allow himself to feel even an inkling of time spent alone undisturbed.
His thoughts were always eager to jump in and tear him apart, remind him of all the things he'd like to, for the better part, believe to be untrue. Always eager to remind him of his failures, ones which he will obsess over because of course he will.
Even now, this monologue of thoughts were simply a poor excuse of a distraction created by Tsukasa. Because if he occupied the space dedicated toward word based thoughts long enough, then that persistent nuisance of a voice couldn't shove its way through and infiltrate his mind.
But in honesty, the fact that it was there already likely meant it'd already done just that, that Tsukasa had long since failed, and all of this was nothing more than a pitiful attempt at reclaiming something that could never truly be taken back, even if it had belonged to him to begin with.
It was okay, though. Nothing really belonged to him anyway.
He was getting tired. He was running out of things to think about. Something, anything. Anything to distract him he'd take it, if it meant not having to deal with the voice he'd do it. Just something that could-
A vibration. His phone.
Oh thank god.
He'd forgotten, he had his phone.
Another vibration.
He would need to check that.
One of these moments.
He forced a hand he did not feel into the pocket of his cardigan and pulled it out.
Powering on the screen, he found that there was much more than just one notification. There were multiple, many in fact.
Missed calls from Saki, from his troupmates, Toya, hell even Akito. Text messages upon text messages left unread, messages which continued to multiply by the second.
And then suddenly, Miku appeared.
"Tsukasa-kun?" the girl called in her high pitched robotic voice. A darker blue haired figure leaned into frame and peered at him.
"Tsukasa? Are you alright?" Kaito asked.
He didn't answer them. They didn't look the least bit phased.
"Hey Tsukasa-kun, Emu-chan and the others are super worried for you!! You should go check on them ."
Tsukasa stared.
"Miku's right, we're all worried for you. Say, where are you right now Tsukasa?"
Tsukasa scanned his face for anything that might have indicated that something was wrong. He found nothing, but perhaps Kaito was simply that good at acting, or maybe he really had not grasped the situation at hand entirely. Either way, considering that everything was fine, Tsukasa answered.
"At the bridge."
The words left his mouth a little too fast, as he was eager to go back to existing quietly. His voice made him feel too real and he silently hoped that they wouldn't make him talk again , though realizing how vauge his words were he knew the likelihood of that was rather low.
He wasn't immediately met with a follow up question, instead the two virtual singers began looking around his surroundings.
Seemingly failing to find what they were looking for, Kaito turned back to Tsukasa with Miku following shortly.
"Where's this bridge?" Kaito asked with the same empty smile he had been wearing earlier.
Tsukasa stared at him for a moment.
"The park closest to the hospital..... Closest to me."
This had not been Tsukasa's first visit to this park. No, his first visit had been way back when Saki had first been admitted within Shibuya. Overwhelmed with emotions and fear for his sister's health, he ran out and to this park.
The first time, he had sat on the swings and stared at his feet dangling only inches off the ground. The next time, they hung a few feet from atop the playground. The last time, they dangled from atop the guard which framed the bridge, nearly 40 feet above the water below. Now they stood planted on the opposite side.
"Is the stars pretty, Tsukasa-kun?"
Tsukasa blinked, not having realized he'd spaced out. Noticing there was now only Miku present, Kaito having gone off somewhere else, he dragged his tired gaze to the sky above.
It wasn't often that you'd see stars in Tokyo, all of the light pollution being the reason behind that. But sometimes, on the occasion that you are somewhere away from most buildings and the main shopping centers, some amount of stars would make themselves present among the night sky.
It would seem to be that occasion.
"...I think so." Tsukasa answered.
Miku made a mopey sound.
"I wish I could see them, say, I'm sure all the others would enjoy seeing them with you too!"
Tsukasa hummed.
Saki and her friends would enjoy it no doubt. Shizuku would too, and maybe even Mafuyu.
Just maybe.
He wished he could take Mafuyu out to see the stars with him.
"You still can."
He looked back down and now there was Luka, leaning on Miku's shoulder with a dazed look on her face (though he couldn't ignore the slight uncharacteristic sharpness of her tone).
Miku hummed in agreement.
Had he said his wish out loud? Or perhaps they simply knew because they were created from the feelings within his heart?
It didn't matter.
Luka yawned. "Are you not....zzz.....Tired...... Tsukasa... kun?"
Her eyes closed then opened, taking a considerable amount of effort to remain open than closed.
He didn't answer. They likely already knew the answer anyway.
Tsukasa was always tired.
Luka dozed off on Miku's shoulder, wearing that peaceful smile she always had on. He wondered if she smiled like that because she was having a good dream, or if it was because she was happy.
Happy about what? He wish he could know.
After all he yearned to be able to smile so peacefully like that himself.
A cold breeze brought him back to reality.
He looked past the virtual singers and to the rushing water below. It was likely cold down there, even colder than it was up here.
Would he stop breathing?
"Tsukasa-kun, have you finished planning for the next show?" Meiko.
"I can't wait for your guy's next one! Hey, do you think I can be in the next one?" Miku bounced around, shifting Luka off her shoulder but still she remained sleeping with her head lolled to the other side.
"I wanna be in the next one too!" Rin fussed.
"Rui already has some pretty big ideas for the next show, fufu," Len chuckled.
"Sounds like fun. I'm sure this show will make everyone in the audience smile, don't you agree, Tsukasa-kun?" Meiko smiled in a manner that reminded him a bit of Kaito.
"....Yeah," he answered half-heartedly.
Maybe they would smile. Would they smile more if he wasn't there?
Kaito popped back into frame.
"You guys better not have been nagging Tsukasa..." he said pointedly, and half of the virtual singers looked away.
He made a noise of disappointment.
"Where did you go?" Tsukasa asked.
He'd been gone for a while.
Kaito's gaze held Tsukasa's own.
"I went to comfort the plushies, they're all rather down right now." he answered.
Rin glanced at him curiously, but Kaito did not pay her any mind.
He searched Kaito's eyes. He found nothing.
"Are they okay?" he asked, with no real interest in their well-being. But it was the right thing to do, it was what a star would do. So it was what Tsukasa had to do.
"They're fine now, though the bunny tied to the balloon still seems pretty distraught."
The bunny tied to the balloon.
For the longest time Tsukasa found the poor thing so familiar to him, but never understood why. After all, he never owned stuffed animals as a child.
It wasn't until the time he had gone looking for the Dolls in their attic had he realized why. One of the many dusty boxes up there held a picture. A picture, depicting Saki and him when they were both still young, and healthy. Saki was holding up a plush bunny, the same one he saw in the Sekai every time he visited, while Tsukasa held a balloon. They smiled cheerfully at the camera, or more so, at their parents behind the camera. He flipped the picture over to read the back.
7.23, The kid's first visit to the amusement park! Ft. Miss. Blossom ✿
Immediately he had recognized his Mother's flowery handwriting, but what drew more of his attention was the name at the end of it.
Miss. Blossom was the name of the bunny. The bunny which he and his Mother had worked together to make Saki for her 5th birthday.
He remembered now, how could he have ever forgotten? She loved that toy, brought it with her everywhere until it was misplaced one day and never found again. He remembered his parents comforting Saki as she wept the night she finally realized it was gone, and then moving to comfort a little Tsukasa as well who'd begun crying because well, his sister was crying. He remembered how much the bunny had meant to her, it had been that knowledge entirely which inspired him to sew many more plushies after that in an effort to cheer her up when she'd been hospitalized.
He supposed, at some point in all that, he had forgotten why he was creating the plushies and just continued making them.
In retrospect, it was no wonder Saki got mad one day when he had brought her one of his newest bunny like creation's in the hospital, and with tears in her eyes she'd yelled at him to stop trying to replace Miss. Blossom.
Back then, he hadn't paid any attention to the reason and simply to the fact that he had failed to make her happy. That he'd failed to be a good brother once again. And so he went home that night, gave up all of his creations up for donation, and then cried himself to sleep.
And then he forgot.
He was always forgetting things, wasn't he? By the end of the day he found it hard to recall much of anything that had happened, but had no problem recalling information.
It isn't too bad, he supposes. It makes surviving easier, and that's all that really matters, isn't it?
Suddenly, a sense of purpose took ahold of him, something which occurs normally when he spends far too much time doing nothing when he's supposed to be doing something, and he snapped himself from his thoughts for the last time.
"You guys have to go away now. I have things I need to do that doesn't include any of you," he said bluntly.
They all looked troubled.
"Are you..... sure, Tsuaksa-kun?" Miku whirred sadly.
He steeled his nerves, though it was really only for looks.
"I'm sure. Goodbye, you guys. And thank you." The words, take care of the others for me, were left unsaid for he was not certain they'd even continue to exist once Tsukasa was no longer in this world.
And how selfish of him was that, stealing the lives of the virtual singers all because he no longer wanted to continue his own?
One by one they all said their sad farewells, until only Kaito remained.
Kaito looked at him with determination in his eyes.
"This won't be our final goodbye, Tsuaksa-kun," He said, and Tsuaksa's eyes widened just a bit.
And despite himself, he replied;
"I hope you're right."
Because Tsukasa Tenma does not want to die.
With a sad smile and a wave of his hand, Kaito disappeared and so did any light from his phone. The darkness returned and Tsukasa was alone once again.
It was time to go, he supposed.
Placing his phone down on the guard beside him, he began to properly prepare himself. After all, everything about a star must be perfect, including his death.
He slid off the brown knit cardigan he was wearing and hung it over the railing next to his phone, leaving him in just his black slacks and white button up. Looking down to his feet, he carefully removed his shoes and bent down to slide them through the gaps in the railing to the other side. Ensuring that they were perfectly lined up on the concrete floor, he stood up once more and turned to face the edge.
He had left a note in his cardigan, he couldn't remember much of what it said anymore but he was sure that it had everything that needed to be said on there. It had taken him a while to write the note. Sometimes it would be paragraphs long, othertimes it would be a few words long. This one was only one paragraph, including apologies, thank you's, and farewells. All the necessities to a goodbye.
Focusing back into reality he noticed that the wind had died down, leaving the park eerily silent. Even now, the silence sat uncomfortably with him.
Cold hands let go of an even colder bar and came to rest at his sides.
He was going to miss them.
He closed his eyes. He leaned forward, and finally- finally, let gravity win.
"TSUKASA!"
A scream, his eyes flew open.
A hand grabbed ahold of his wrist,
His spinning vision came to an arupt stop.
He came to a stop.
Hurried footsteps sounded from behind him,
And stopped.
Everything stood still for a moment.
And then-
He turned his head to the right to find Rui holding onto his wrist, eyes wide and alight with desperation, breathing harsh, and a look of fear written across his face as tears threatened to spill from the corners of his gleaming eyes.
This look was nothing like Tsukasa had ever seen from him before. Desperation and fear did not have a place anywhere on Rui's face; the director was the most composed person he knows. Tsuaksa admired him for that trait of his. And yet, these emotions showed itself glaringly obvious on Rui's face and Tsuaksa's chest strained knowing he'd been the one to put them there.
Tsukasa wanted to smile, to reassure him some how to make that look on his face go away, but he couldn't. He couldn't find it within himself to smile.
His heart thumped madly in his ears and the wrist held by Rui burned in pain. Adrenaline coursed through his veins and the feeling of nothingness beneath his tilting body made him feel alive in the twisted way he felt whenever his life was at stake. He couldn't bring himself to do much of anything, like this.
"Tsukasa-kun, take my other hand please."
Rui pleaded, and it was only then that Tsukasa realised that Rui was the only thing keeping him from falling.
Tsukasa was certainly heavy, and so he knew that the longer he hung over the side with barely anything more than Rui to lean on for support the more of a burden he was on the other teen. And Tsukasa simply could not be a burden to anyone, even in death.
And so shifting on his right foot, he swiveled his body so that it was facing toward the railing and brought his left foot back onto the ledge, flinging his left hand out to grab onto Rui's. The director grunted at the shift in weight as he quickly released his hand to grab ahold of Tsukasa's own.
Immediately Tsukasa was tugged forward so that he was fully on top of the ledge, and with barely a second to recover Rui let go of his hands and grabbed ahold of him in a deathly tight hug- or hold. Tsukasa wasn't all too sure.
Rui was warm despite the cold night's air, so warm that Tsukasa guessed he might had ran there. It would make sense considering Rui's ragged breathing pattern as he squeezed Tsukasa so tight he could hardly breath himself. Not that he really wanted to.
Over Rui's shoulder, Tsukasa caught sight of his other partners, Nene and Emu, who stared at him with a look that nearly tore his heart apart.
Clear devastation hung from their tear filled eyes. Emu clung onto Nene, pressing a hand against her mouth to silence the whimpers that threatened to spill while Nene shook quietly beside her, suppressing her own silent cries. Those emotions belonged nowhere near his friends, his lovers. They looked so confused, sad, afriad- and in that moment more than anything Tsukasa wanted to reach out and hold the both of them in his safe and comforting arms until they could both smile at him once more.
But instead, he stayed deathly still in the arms of Rui. Selfishly enough he felt afriad. Afraid that if he were to move he'd have to face the fact that he was in fact still alive, and not 10 feet deep dead in the river down below.
He'd have to deal with the fact that he was still here. And that was something he did not want to deal with. He just couldn't.
Tsukasa felt moistness begin to gather on his shoulder, and he tilted his head to find Rui crying; staining his white collar shirt and shaking Tsukasa's entire frame with his own tremors.
Rui. Crying.
He made Rui cry.
Oh god.
Any numbness he'd felt before disappeared as if it were never there to begin with, as the weight of everything that had happened up until then hit him all at once and-
fuck,
it hurt so much.
Why did he do this?
Why was he such a fucking mistake?
Why couldn't he do anything right?
As the realization dawned over him and his thoughts teared into him, tears began streaming down his face and he found he couldn't keep quiet no matter how hard he tried. All of the emotions he'd subconsciously suppressed flooded him all at once, and like a newborn baby Tsukasa began to cry. Embarrassing, loud, frustrated sobs, teared itself from his throat as his hands made their way up to cling onto Rui even tighter than the director previously had, shaking like a frail leaf in the wind.
He couldn't stop, he couldn't think, all he could do was cry. At some point he heard crying from a distance, and realized that both Emu and Nene had both begun to sob as well, Emu clinging onto Nene as they held each other on the floor.
He cried even harder.
"Shh.... I-It's ok-kay, Tsukasa, don't- don't cry please," Rui whispered shakily, bringing his hand up to pet the back of Tsukasa's head as he tried to console the teen to no use.
Tsukasa buried his face even more in the taller's shoulder. "I'm-I'm sorry," he inhaled sharply, which was then followed by a shuddering sob. "I-I shouldn't had-"
"It's okay Tsukasa, really."
Rui's voice shook as he comforted Tsukasa in a breathy voice. His hand continued to pet Tsukasa's head, and comfortingly rub his back. "...it is."
Rui's words brought some sense back into him and he knew he couldn't keep sobbing like a lost child forever.
Silencing his sobs with great effort, he began crying soundlessly into Rui's shoulder while he focused only on the taller's warm touch and gentle whispers of reassurance and comfort.
Eventually as time passed, his frequent sharp inhales became infrequent and the tears he'd shed dried on his cheeks, though the shaking which racked his body never seemed to cease.
He no longer heard the cries of either Emu nor Nene, but he did hear the rushing water and wind pick up again. It would be bad for them to stay out in the cold for too long.
"L-Let's go home," Tsukasa said, and Rui nodded his head against his shoulder.
"Okay."
Holding onto Tsukasa the whole way, Tsukasa climbed back over the railing and onto the other side. Immediately Rui moved to grab ahold of Tsuaksa once again when he wobbled slightly upon gaining footing, but Tsukasa waved his hand away and moved down to put his shoes back on.
He felt nervous now with his friends watching him like a hawk, as if he'd shatter into tiny little pieces if they even dared to look away from him.
He slid his cardigan back on and it was only then did he realize the bandages which wrapped his left forearm was on full display.
Tsukasa had stopped self harming when he'd entered highschool, he was doing better that's why. He has been doing pretty good too all the way up until the other night where in the silence of his empty home and the chaos of his mind, he reached for a blade he never had the heart to throw away to silence his rampant thoughts. It wasn't until afterward had the guilt hit him and he hated himself even more for being so goddamn weak and not being able to deal with it by himself.
And now his friends had saw just how much of a weakling Tsukasa is too.
There was no going back now was there?
He looked to the ground in shame.
His eyes and lips were no doubt swollen and puffy from all the crying, his face likely flushed an ugly uneven red and his hair a mess from all the time spent in the wind.
He felt ashamed that his friends had to see him like this. This was not how a star was supposed to look like.
"..... Ts-Tsukasa-kun?"
Tsuakasa looked up to find a hesitant looking Emu holding her hand out to him, eyes glued to the floor rather than him.
He took her hand with a forced gentle smile, and her eyes flickered up for a moment before falling back down. He frowned.
There was a tug on his free hand and he looked to the side to find Nene peering up at him hesitantly as well. Her eyes were puffy too.
Wordlessly he took her hand and she squeezed it tight. They looked scared, and it was all his fault.
He squeezed their hands in his own.
He vaguely noticed Rui grab ahold of Emu's hand and plant a kiss atop her head. He looked away.
They began to walk back to Tsukasa's home wordlessly, that being the most obvious destination.
Tsukasa was scared. He was scared to go home and see Saki's disappointed face. Scared of the fact that now Saki, the only person in the world who he never wanted to see this side of him, was going to see it. But most of all, he was scared of the change that was going to come.
Did Touya know? He hasn't checked who'd been messaging him. Was anyone at home with Saki? Was she crying? Did she hate him? Was Touya disappointed in him too? Did they think he was a failure? They had to.
His chest burned and every part of his brain yelled at him to stop, to let go of their hands and run away from them all. Run away from all of it. He didn't want to go home and see Saki's face, see his parent's, see anybody's when they realized Tsukasa was nothing more than a fucking disappointment who would be better off
"Tsukasa-kun."
He jolted and turned to the source of the voice, being met with Rui's gaze which made him feel as if the teen had known everything he had been thinking. His steps faultered.
"Saki-san doesn't know about any of this." And that was what made Tsusksa pause in his tracks.
He looked intensely into Rui's eyes, his own wide.
"She doesn't?"
He shook his head.
Tsukasa pressed on,
"Who does?"
"Only us, and the virtual singers."
And Tsukasa nearly collapsed in relief. His hands fell limp in the girl's holds and he barely registered their own losing strength as well.
He stepped toward Rui with a newfound determination.
"You cannot tell Saki, or anybody else for that matter."
Rui took a step toward Tsukasa as well, challenging Tsukasa's gaze with his own determined look. Tsukasa tried not too focus too much on the puffiness of them, did not need to think about why he'd been crying.
"Why not? " he questioned.
Tsukasa furrowed his brows, "Because, Saki will be distraught which could make her more likely to fall ill again. I cannot risk her health for something as minor as this," he answered pointedly.
Rui's gaze became dangerously sharp and he took another, more bold step in Tsukasa's direction.
"Minor?" his voice raised in volume, and everybody took a collective step back.
"Tsukasa-kun you nearly killed yourself," he spat.
"I hardly consider that to be "minor." He reasoned, and Tsukasa felt that familiar blaring anger make its way up his throat like bile.
"Does it matter? It still isn't reason enough to endanger my sister's health!" He shot back, yelling now, and out of the corner of his eyes he saw Nene wince and cover her ears.
Rui seemed to have seen this too, for he clamped his mouth shut, letting whatever words that had threatened to leave his mouth before die on his tounge, and he stood rigidly with his arms crossed. He took a deep breath, then sighed.
"And what about your parents?" Tsukasa stiffened, and he continued. "Surely they'd be better equipped to handle the news, no?"
And Tsukasa knew he had no more excuses. So in a final, desperate attempt, he told the truth.
"I couldn't live knowing I'm more of a burden to them than already. I'm.... I'm supposed to be the child they don't have to worry about, if they find out how I feel all they'll do is blame themselves. I wouldn't be able to live knowing that it's all my fault," he gritted out between clenched teeth and foggy eyes.
His friends shared sympathetic glances before their eyes came to rest on him. Tsukasa bit the inside of his cheek and tried his best not to focus on their stares; he normally hates receiving sympathy but receiving such a look from his lovers right now some how makes it all so much worse. They made him feel so seen in a moment where all he wanted to do was hide.
Rui took another step forward until there was no more than a foot of space remaining between the both of them.
"I won't tell anybody as long as you comply to my three conditions."
Rui's said suddenly, and Tsukasa had to look up to meet his eyes. Curse Rui and his intimidating height.
"Which are?"
"For starters, talk to us. Whenever you're sad, or stressed, or even depressed please talk to us, or at the very least one of us. We love you Tsukasa-kun, and couldn't bare to be without you, so please just let us know what you're thinking. These past few days we've all been worried for you, you were obviously not doing fine, but you kept smiling, and then this happened....." he trailed off and Tsukasa could feel guilt wrap it's way around his heart.
His gaze dropped to the concrete sidewalk below so he could avoid Rui's expression which was filled with such genuine concern and care, affection, emotions which he did not deserve.
"....We won't see you any differently just because you have problems, Tsukasa-kun, you always help us when we need it most so let us help you too."
Tsukasa bit his lip and slowly nodded his head.
"Okay. What else?"
"Secondly," he paused, and brought his hand up to reach for Tsukasa's arm. He held it up limply. "No more hurting yourself," he whispered, and Tsukasa felt his heartbeat spike.
Immediately his first instinct was to deny it, to pull his arm away and lash out that he was being ridiculous, that Tsukasa would never hurt himself.
But he knew that even if he were to deny it, they would just make him take off the bandage to prove his innocence anyway. So instead, he looked away.
"And your last condition?" he murmured defeated.
Rui let go of his arm and brought his hand back into a fold on his chest. Though Tsukasa couldn't see it, Rui wore a pained expression at his response.
"My last condition," he unfolded both arms now and reached down to take Tsukasa's hands in his own.
"Is to rely on us. You do everything for others without a single complaint Tsukasa-kun, even when you barely have the means to do it yourself. I know I can't ask you to stop being so selfless as I know it's practically within your nature, but all I ask is that you ask for our help when you need it."
"Whether it be a show, or school, or even some errands, we want to help you. You could never be a burden to us Tsukasa-kun, it'd honestly make me, us, feel more at ease to know that we're able to help you."
Rui squeezed Tsukasa's hands and softly pressed his lips against the crown of his forehead.
"Let us help you, please."
Tsukasa felt his heart squeeze, tears he didn't know he had left stung his eyes and burned his nose. He squeezed Rui's hands back.
For the first time since they'd began talking, Tsukasa looked up to meet Rui's eyes. His lips were quirked up slightly into a forced smile, eyebrows furrowed with lingering distress, and just barely Tsukasa was able to catch the pleading glint in his eyes. But further down, behind all the emotions Rui did not try to conceal, Tsukasa could feel, could see, how scared the teen was. Scared he was going to lose him, that he wouldn't be able to save him, fear, that Tsukasa would leave him, leave them.
But even so, he put on a brave face. Like always, he put on a brave face.
That time he had defended Nene when Tsukasa was yelling at her, or the other time when he had stood up for Emu against her brother's. Back then, Tsukasa had never bothered to wonder why Rui's hands would tremor, or why immediately after he'd tuck them across his chest and hide them close to his body. Never questioned why he'd shift on his feet as if he was afraid that if he stood still for too long, the shake in his legs would become painfully obvious. Never, did Tsukasa try to look past the brave facade Rui wore in situations Tsukasa would normally shy away from. Never did he ever think that Rui was just as scared as he was, as all of them were in that moment, and was simply putting on a brave face for the sake of them.
Just as he was now.
And for once, even if it wasn't really the same, Tsukasa wanted to be the same way as well. To be brave in the face of discomfort and obstacles, for both himself and for his lovers.
And so inspired by the man he faced, he smiled to the best of his abilities right back at him.
"Okay."
"Tsukasa-kunnnnn!!"
Suddenly, Emu came flying at Tsukasa as she tackled him onto the ground in a hug, fat tears rolling down her cheeks as she burrowed her face into his chest.
"I was so-! Wo-worried about you! A-And Miku was too! And-and we didn't know where you were...!" Her voice warbled as she sobbed, and Tsukasa wrapped his arms around her. He hated seeing Emu cry, but he knew he preferred her crying over her forcing herself to be happy.
"I know- I'm sorry Emu..."
There were footsteps and Tsukasa looked up to see Nene staring down at Emu.
"Emu don't- don't cry...!" Nene said, trying and failing to comfort the other girl as she was close to tears again herself, and Rui rubbed her shoulders from behind. She covered her eyes with her hand and shook her head.
"Tsukasa you idiot! Why did you-" she stopped, gritting her teeth as she suppressed her sobs. He knew he owed them some sort of explanation.
He couldn't keep being the reason why his friends cried.
His gaze dropped to the floor.
"... I was tired of being alive I guess, I was home alone and just couldn't stop thinking about how much I'm falling behind. You all shine so brightly, and all I do is hold you all back. It- It was so quiet, and I was so tired, I..... " he shook his head.
"It was wrong of me."
Nene dropped her fist from her face and balled it up at her side, the tears which had been welling up in her eyes finally spilling over.
"You idiot! You aren't falling behind at all, you- you shine the brightest, brighter than all of us! You shouldn't have done that, you should've called us! We.... I, would have came to your house at any time if you needed me there! So why....?!" She shook her head as her voice gave out under the weight of her tears. Her face furrowed with frustration, and when Tsukasa brought his hand up to hold hers she crumpled to the floor beside him.
"I know now. I'm sorry Nene," He whispered as he began to pet her head as she cried beside him. Wordlessly, Rui knelt behind all of them and wrapped his arms around them, tucking his head into the crook of Tsukasa's neck.
How could Tsukasa have been so foolish?
He's not alone, not anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. He had his friends, his lovers, the virtual singers, his siblings, everything he'd ever wished for as a kid. And yet some how, he hadn't noticed.
Tsukasa shook his head.
That isn't right, he had noticed.
He'd known all along. But somewhere along the way- admist the hospital visits, him chasing his dream, trying to make Saki smile, to make everyone smile, he'd gradually lost his mind in the sound. Always in motion, he chose to bury the feelings he didn't have the time to deal with deep down thinking that if he pretended they weren't there, they would disappear. But things never were that simple, and now as a result of his actions he'd nearly thrown away everything he's ever cared and worked for with little regard to who and what he'd be leaving behind.
Looking at them now, he wonders how he could had ever tricked himself into thinking they'd be better off without him.
Truly, what a fool he has been.
Nene shivered against him, and Tsukasa pulled her closer.
"Let's go home before we all catch a cold, okay?" Rui let go of them and stood up to help both Nene and Emu get up as well.
Tsukasa had barely registered their warmth leaving him before he was looking up at Rui, who was holding a hand out to Tsukasa as well.
"Shall we?" He asked, a warm smile softening his gaze.
Warmth flooded Tsukasa's heart as he smiled back, and took his lover's warm hands in his own.
"We shall."
Tsukasa hates the cold.
But thanks to the people he loves, he'd never have to face the cold alone again.