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Alina goes to Shu Han, comes back with an academic that is teaching her the language, her eyes bright as she tells him about it, about connecting with her culture, Nikolai smiling as he listens to her enthusiasm until she looks away, “sorry, I’m rambling.”
“I like your rambling,” Nikolai is quick to assure her, Alina’s eyes shifting to him, a pleased, shy little smile around her lips, before looking away again. Nikolai swallows, then asks her to teach him some words and Alina turns back to him, all shyness gone, shining and some people might think it is because of the power she holds inside but Nikolai knows the truth, that she only holds it because it’s her.
Nikolai is in love with Alina. He doesn’t tell her this, never mentions the possibility of turning their political match into something more aside from the comment about a kiss – not unless you’re thinking of me instead of trying to forget him –, tells his advisors over and over again “when the time is right” when they push about setting a wedding date.
He writes to Mal. It isn’t regular, can’t be, what with the fact that Mal is aboard a ship that has no schedule to go to port or, even, a specific one to go to. But there’s a system. Nikolai was on that ship for years, after all, has known Tamar and Tolya almost as long, knows their habits, and so he leaves a letter in a specific port, an answer making its way to him in ways he doesn’t know and, honestly, doesn’t much care to learn about.
It's not awkward. It’s not about Alina either. Nikolai does mention her sometimes; how could he not, considering how important she is in his life, feelings or no feelings? Mal does it too, replies to one of Nikolai’s comments about how she talked to one of the men in his council with a not so dissimilar story that took place at the orphanage when they were children.
It isn’t about her. Not only, at least. It’s about… well, it’s about Mal.
Nikolai doesn’t quite remember meeting him. Oh, he knows when and where it happened, but when he thinks back, he thinks of Alina, and he doesn’t even think it’s because she started taking up a considerable amount of his attention since they first met, but because Mal hadn’t seemed important.
Nikolai wasn’t overly impressed with the man following the Sun Summoner around. But… he had started paying attention, had learnt his name from the start, even as he’d pretended otherwise, simply to see what would happen, because Nikolai’s always liked to find what makes people tick. And the way a man reacts when he feels oversighted… it says a lot about him.
Mal had managed to make an impression on him despite Alina. He had shown Nikolai his character and Nikolai had found himself impressed, respecting and even liking Mal.
So no, Nikolai doesn’t start a correspondence – an awkward letter that barely takes up one page at the start, then ones that take Nikolai days to write, finally having to stop himself before it doesn’t even fit an envelope because he keeps thinking of things to add, that he thinks Mal would like to hear about, and others he simply wants to tell him – with Mal because of Alina.
He does it because he likes Mal.
In hindsight… it should have been obvious just how much.
Mal comes back. Or, at least, he comes to visit. Nikolai always knew it would happen; if for no other reason than for Nadia to visit Adrik. Nikolai and Alina – and a respectful amount of guards, which he’s found easier to accept than Alina, who is the Sun Summoner and can take care of herself, but sometimes appearances are important – go to receive them at the port.
“Aren’t you coming?” Alina asks as she dismounts (she accepts the guards, but not the carriage, not unless Nikolai takes it too), Nikolai doing it as well. He shakes his head.
“I’ll catch up.”
She sends him a look, but doesn’t argue, instead walking quickly to the ship. She hugs everyone she meets on the way and then there’s Mal and Nikolai doesn’t look away as they stop in front of one another, staring, studying each other… and then they’re hugging and Nikolai releases a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.
He doesn’t feel jealous. He’s happy for them, truly. He doesn’t want to replace Mal, or be him, because that would imply… no Mal. If anything, he wants to be there. With Alina. With Mal.
“Oh,” Nikolai lets out, blinking. If any of the guards heard him, they say nothing, know it’s not any of their business if the king has just had some kind of epiphany. He shakes his head at himself because of course, of course he wouldn’t fall in love with just one person.
If Dominik could see him now, he would roll his eyes and tell him, “really, you didn’t figure it out before? You gave him your compass, didn’t you?”
Nikolai doesn’t bother scoffing at the mental image because when put that way… He shakes his head again. No matter. It doesn’t change anything. He swallows, and finally starts walking towards the ship, receiving hugs on the way, which he knows makes the guards shift on their feet, but these are his friends, family, and Nikolai has never regretted not telling them almost from the start who he was.
Mal smiles when he sees him and they hug and Nikolai exhales slowly, likes the way Mal smells of the sea now, lets go and places his hands on his upper arms to squeeze, just to feel him alive, Mal still smiling.
“How does it feel to run a country?” He asks and Nikolai lets him go, but doesn’t move away.
“How does it feel to be Sturmhond?”
Mal laughs and Nikolai looks his fill, at the comfortable way Mal is standing, the coat fitting him so well it’s like it never belonged to anyone before.
“Good. It feels good.”
There’s a dinner. It’s just Nikolai, Alina and the crew because while Nikolai would love to see the faces of some of the nobles having to deal with his friends, that isn’t what he wants. Not tonight.
It’s good. Great even. The crew has no shortage of stories to regale them with, some born storytellers there to embellish the moments that Nikolai knows from experience weren’t that incredible, or to downplay the ones that made them sure this was going to be their last adventure.
Eventually, the group disperses and Nikolai makes his way to his office, pouring himself a couple fingers of whiskey.
There’s a knock at his door and he turns, drink in hand but unsipped. “Come in.” The job of a king is never really done.
“Hey,” Mal says, opening the door, but not entering. “You mind?”
“Of course not,” Nikolai puts down his glass to pour a second one, Mal closing the door behind him and walking towards him. Nikolai passes the glass, grabs his own and clinks them together.
“What are we toasting to?”
Nikolai shrugs, smiles, takes a sip before answering, Mal copying him, “whatever you want it to.”
“The friends in our lives, then,” Mal says, smiling and Nikolai smiles back, even as he feels his stomach squeezing and he’s sure he could have gone his whole life unaware of his feelings.
“Thank you,” Mal eventually says, after a couple of minutes of silence, which should have felt more awkward than they did in fact.
Nikolai blinks, “for what?”
“Making me Sturmhond. It’s… it’s a gift I’ll never forget. Or be able to repay.”
Nikolai raises an eyebrow, “you saved the whole of Ravka with your sacrifice, if not the whole world. It’s us who can never repay you.”
Mal shakes his head, “it was Alina.”
Nikolai likes the way he says her name. No room to doubt his feelings about her, but no reverence. Mal looks at Alina and sees how amazing she is… but Nikolai is sure he always did it, light on her fingertips or no light.
“She told me what happened.” Nikolai raises his empty hand to Mal’s arm, squeezes, “she couldn’t have done it without you. And you,” Nikolai swallows, squeezes again, “you didn’t try to find a way out. You’re a brave man, Mal. Thank you,” Nikolai says the words slowly, wants to make sure Mal knows he means it. Mal’s name will probably never make it to the history books, but that doesn’t mean all of them are unaware of what he did.
Mal swallows, looks away and Nikolai lets go of him, takes another sip.
“You haven’t gotten married yet,” Mal says and it does sound lighthearted but there’s no disguising the hurt in his eyes.
“No, we haven’t,” Nikolai replies.
“Why?” Mal doesn’t look away from him as he asks, which is probably the only reason Nikolai doesn’t laugh and say something like “what, with all the free time we have?”
Instead, he swallows, downs his glass in search of some liquid courage and, in a tone too raw – which he’s blaming on the alcohol –, says, “it’s you.”
Mal’s eyes widen, and then he’s frowning, shakes his head again. “I’m not in your way. I’ve told Alina…” he doesn’t finish, still frowning.
Nikolai swallows again, places the glass on the table, Mal following his example.
“I mean,” he starts, heart beating too fast, Mal’s unwavering attention on him and Nikolai should shut up, shut up, shut u-, “you’re missing.”
Mal blinks again, lips downturned. He sighs, “look, Nikolai, I like you, but I don’t want to see you marrying the woman I love.”
Nikolai should leave it at that. And yet… Nikolai has never been left wanting. Not with things, anyhow. People… he learnt from a young age that it does not matter your wealth, your titles… people will love you or not based on who you are, what you do. And Nikolai… in the end, he’s only a man and that is what he wants. Peace, prosperity and health for his people… their love too, perhaps, but he thinks he would be happy with just a few specific people feeling that for him, the real him, not the king of Ravka.
“I wouldn’t want to see you and Alina get married either,” Nikolai says and he can see that Mal is starting to get angry, so almost in a rush, he finishes, “because then I would lose you both.”
Mal blinks, anger gone just as quick as it appeared. He swallows, “I don’t understand.”
“I’m in love with Alina. I’m in love with you too,” Nikolai says, feeling proud of how certain the words come out.
“Oh,” Mal says and then… nothing.
Nikolai waits. For rejection, for… something. But over a minute passes and Mal still just stands there. Nikolai clears his throat, “right, well, obviously you don’t have to-”
“You mean it?” Mal cuts him off and Nikolai can’t help but to frown.
“I don’t lie about my feelings.”
“But… why? Why would you love Alina… and me?”
Mal looks kind of uncomfortable but also… also almost small. In a way, Nikolai can understand what he means because he might not have witnessed Alina bringing down the Fold but he’s seen her do countless incredible things and has seen there is a difference between them. On the other hand… Nikolai is a king.
“Because you’re brave. And kind. And patient… Honestly, Mal, I don’t think it’s possible not to love you.”
Mal laughs and it comes out a bit choked. “I can think of a lot of people that don’t feel the same.”
“They’re fools,” Nikolai is quick to tell him and Mal laughs again, open and Nikolai can almost feel his heart explode.
“You’re nice.” Mal shakes his head, smile playing around his lips, “hard to hate the guy getting engaged to the woman I love when it’s… you.”
It’s a compliment, Nikolai is sure. But it doesn’t tell him anything about Mal’s feelings. Which he guesses is answer enough.
“Right,” he’s getting another drink the moment Mal is out of sight, he decides. “We never have to talk about this again. I do think we might be able to break off the engagement in another year or two-”
“What? What are you talking about?”
Nikolai almost clenches his jaw. Instead, he leans against the drink cabinet. “I don’t want to be married to someone that doesn’t love me,” he laughs and it isn’t happy, “that probably makes me a bad king.”
“That’s impossible. You could never be a bad king,” the way Mal says the words, absolutely no doubt, almost makes Nikolai believe him.
“I appreciate that. Be as it may, it doesn’t change that-”
“She loves you too.”
Nikolai… Nikolai has suspected that for a while. Alina is fond of him, certainly, and he’s seen the way she looks at him when she thinks he isn’t looking…
“I don’t want to be her second choice,” maybe it’s selfish but he thinks he deserves this one little thing.
“Is that how it is for you? You love one of us more than the other?” Nikolai has no idea how Mal manages to sound so normal, eyes intent on him.
Nikolai shakes his head, “no, of course not.”
“Then why do you think it’s the same for Alina? Have you even asked her?”
Nikolai opens his mouth, closes it, sure that he’s lost control of the situation though, really, how much did he even have in the first place?
“Right, I’m going to get her.”
Nikolai’s eyes widen, “what, now?”
Mal nods, “she should be here too.”
Nikolai opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, “here for what?”
Mal’s eyes soften because he hears what’s unsaid – please make this real –, “how we’re going to make this work. The three of us.”
Nikolai releases a breath like one does after too much time underwater. If it weren’t for the cabinet still by his back, he would definitely have fallen to the floor.
Mal places a hand on his cheek, immediately commanding his attention. “I love you too.”
“You do?” Nikolai doesn’t feel bad about the way his voice comes out, the almost desperation there because he meant what he said: he doesn’t lie about his feelings. And as scary as it is… he likes being seen.
Mal rolls his eyes, “you’re pretty easy to love too. Now I’m going to find Alina before she kills us for leaving her so long in the dark.”
Nikolai lets out a laugh, and Mal leans forward to kiss his opposite cheek. He smiles and then he turns around and is gone.
Nikolai doesn’t reach for the whiskey. It takes him a while to force himself to stand on his own two feet. And then he starts pacing because he doesn’t doubt Mal’s feelings, but he doesn’t know Alina’s and she would never be cruel, Nikolai can not imagine a world where she would force either of them to choose but… but what if this isn’t what she wants?
The door is pushed open, Nikolai’s eyes widening, Alina almost rushing to him, already in sleeping clothes, a robe thrown over them. She stops with barely any space between them, smiles.
“I love you, Nikolai Lantsov.”
Nikolai’s eyes are still surely too big, but he can’t help it. He almost falls on Alina as he hugs her, letting out a noisy breath. Her arms envelop him immediately and then there’s Mal and Nikolai closes his eyes because this… this feels right.
“We’re going to cause a scandal,” Alina says, matter-of-factly.
“We’ll get through it. We’ve managed worse,” Mal replies and Nikolai almost makes a joke about the aristocracy of Ravka not being all that different from Volcra, but instead he simply keeps holding onto Mal and Alina.
“Yeah,” he eventually says, tone low, “we’ll make it.”